It's been said that, according to Greek mythology,
humans were originally created with four arms, four legs,
and a head with two faces.
But fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts,
condemning humans to spend the rest of their lives
searching for their other half, their soul's equal.
And if that's true,
then Zeus is an asshole.
Sure, dating has never really been easy,
but modern dating online is even harder.
I keep thinking my perfect match has to be out there, just one click away.
- Someone kind, and honest, and ideally… - Honey?
…someone that doesn't already have a wife. Am I right?
Despite my gut telling me that maybe I should give up altogether,
along comes Ted, a Libra who likes puppies
and offers to take me on a sunset sail
until he ghosts me.
But on a positive note,
I've turned my horrible love life into a successful online writing career.
For years, I've been chronicling my disaster dates
under the pseudonym "Always a Bridesmaid."
And people seem to love that I can't find love.
But honestly, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.
How is it that everyone has found the one, and I haven't?
Either I'm the unluckiest woman in the world,
or my picker is broken.
It's both.
What's the one common denominator in all of these dates?
It's you.
I beg your pardon?
The common denominator is that it's a bunch of LA assholes.
That's your other problem. You're only looking local.
I had to import Mark from Ohio, for God's sakes.
You gotta think bigger.
Jesus, Nat! You only have your dating radius set to five miles.
You gotta look outside West Hollywood.
Gas is so expensive.
I mean, it'd be 40 bucks to get to Glendale, and that's only one way.
It's cheaper to do cocaine and then run everywhere.
Okay. Fixed it.
I'm gonna get a juice. Want something?
Ooh yeah, uh, grab me a Green Latifah with an extra shot of wheatgrass.
- Oh, but no kiwi because I'm... - I… I know, you're allergic. No kiwi.
Sorry. Habit.
The last time an intern forgot, I almost died.
Natalie, where's my next story? I'm assuming your next date is lined up.
I was thinking for the next one, maybe we'll try something different. Like…
Something a little bit more upbeat?
Why the hell would you do that?
So I don't spend another evening
with a guy who was featured on an episode of Hoarders.
- It's making me miserable. - Oh, I'm sorry.
Everyone's miserable, though.
But that's why Soash Media exists
to either distract people from their own lives,
or to show them that things could be, you know, so, so much worse.
Remember, a disaster for you is a hit for me. Okay?
- Got food in your teeth. - You might wanna…
Get it to me!
I'm a nude yoga instructor. Namaste.
Semi-finalist on Dancing with the Stars.
Devoted feminist. Favorite movie: The Noteb...
This could be yours, girl.
Why don't you come over and play with...
Passionate about life and all things outdoors.
When I'm not traveling for work,
you'll find me at home in Lake Placid, New York, planning my next move.
Wow!
Looking for a woman who's spontaneous and drama-free.
Ugh.
Love Actually? Worst Christmas movie ever!
Hey, Natalie.
So how do you really feel about my favorite Christmas movie?
It's a movie about people falling in love based on how they look.
I like to think it's a story about the triumph of love over reality.
I can work with that.
So, what's your favorite Christmas movie?
That's easy. Hands down, Die Hard.
You really think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
Yippee Ki Yay, I do!
Okay. Convince me.
Okay.
Fine. I can give you seven reasons, to be exact.
You've studied this in depth.
One, it takes place during a Christmas party.
- Doesn't make it a Christmas movie! - I have more evidence.
Two, it snows at the end. Number three, there are presents involved.
There are presents involved in most movies ever made!
You know what? I'm willing to reconsider this. I might actually...
Holy shit! I mean, this guy is, like, friggin' hot.
He knows the difference between there and they are, which you'd be surprised by.
He's Asian-American and speaks three languages.
He's a world traveler but hasn't been to any places on the watch list.
- So really there's only one con. - What?
You've never seen him.
Come on. There's six pictures on his profile.
That means nothing. Remember the last guy you met up with in public?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
He ended up being 20 years older than his photos.
This guy could be old. He could be a waiter from the Last Supper.
- What? - Look at me. Look at me.
You do not trust anybody unless he sends you a photo
holding today's newspaper with the date on it. Okay? Yeah.
Oh yeah, that's what we're gonna do. I'm calling him to get a photo.
- No! No. - Yeah. What?
I'm… I'm sorry.
- I'm a large woman. - No.
- You cannot get this phone. - No.
- Yeah, try me. Oh! Okay, fine! - No. Oh!
Sounds like I'm missing a fun party.
Hello?
- Josh! - Hey, Natalie.
- I'm sorry. - Hi!
- Hey. - Mm-hmm.
I… I actually didn't mean to call you. I was, um, hiking and…
- I tripped and accidentally hit "Call." - What the fuck are you saying?
- Glad you're still alive. - What?
I'm happy to be your emergency contact,
even with the three-hour time difference.
- I'm sorry. - Nope. Nope. I'm still alive.
So anyway, I… I better get back to it.
Sorry to bother you. Bye.
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm sorry!
What?
- What? - Are you satisfied?
Oh!
Yeah, she's satisfied. Oh my God.
He is so cute!
- Oh. - What is… like… what is this?
I mean…
…but when you start making toast in the tub, that's when we'll worry.
You know, when I first saw your profile, I thought you'd just be another guy
who's really hot and has a dick pic on standby.
Well, what makes you think I'm not?
- Ah. - Your turn! Tit for tat, Nat.
Oh! That's a weird Dick!
At least mine's not crooked.
My parents got divorced when I was three,
but I got a pretty great stepmom now, so…
My mom passed away last year. You would've loved her.
Everyone did.
Honestly, I'm so over eating out. I prefer to just stay in and cook.
- Oh! You cook? - Oh yeah. All the time.
Tonight I'll be assisted in the kitchen
by Chef Boyardee and my good friends Ben and Jerry.
No way. You were chubby as a kid too?
I swear to you.
Kids in middle school used to ask me which chin I really used.
Ugh, kids can be so cruel.
You're telling me it's really Tom Cruise flying these planes?
That was him driving the car in Days of Thunder,
him hanging from the ceiling in Mission Impossible... Oh, drink!
Ugh. I had no idea that this movie was so homoerotic.
Yeah, actually I think Maverick and Iceman get married in the sequel.
Ugh. "Bottom Gun"?
I'd watch that.
Ooh! Maverick just disobeyed an order! Chug!
What was your favorite book as a kid?
It was a book of poems called Where The Sidewalk Ends.
"I cannot go to school today, said little Peggy Ann McKay."
I can't believe that you know that.
Before there was Ferris Bueller, there was Peggy Ann McKay.
You know,
my, um, my mom, she used to read that to me when I was little.
It used to help me sleep, but I honestly can't
think of a single thing that's more comforting than
being read to.
"This bridge will only take you halfway there
to those mysterious lands you long to see."
"Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fairs."
"And moonlit woods where unicorns run free."
"So, come and walk awhile with me
and share the twisting trails
and wondrous worlds I've known."
"But this bridge will only take you halfway there."
"The last few steps you will have to walk alone."
Josh?
Good morning.
Oh, I guess I really should have gotten the Verizon Unlimited plan.
Natalie. My office, now.
It's been two weeks. Where's my next Disaster Date story?
Um… Could you just pause for a second? It's a little distracting.
No. I can't stop. I won't stop. Now, where's my next story?
Here's the thing.
- I met someone. - Mm-hmm.
I think this might be the real deal.
- Oh boy. Here we go. - I'd like to write about that instead.
I'm not buying it.
Just go out with some Tinder tool and complain about him, please.
I don't complain.
Why'd you dump the guy with the guinea pigs?
They freaked me out.
And the guy who smiled all the time?
You could never tell if he was actually happy.
How about the guy who kept calling your relationship a collab?
Do I really need to explain?
Natalie, here's the deal, okay?
Your dating life is a disaster.
But you should be thankful because it's why you have a job.
What if I write a piece
about a girl on the verge of completely giving up on love
when she comes to find that the perfect guy might actually exist?
So she risks it all.
Her sanity, her common sense,
her ability to ever be on The Bachelor,
and it's worth it because they fall in love
just in time for Christmas.
Ooh, I like it.
I just don't think you're the one to write it.
You gotta leave the serious stuff to the real journalists, like Steve.
Screw Steve.
I did. Hastag don't tell HR. Low-key.
You know what?
As of this moment right now, my disaster dating days are over.
I'm gonna fly to Lake Placid, New York.
I'm gonna surprise Josh, and I'm gonna get my happy ending.
I'm sorry. So, you haven't even met this dude yet?
- Well, not… not in person, but... - Oh, I take it all back.
No, I take everything back. You should write about this.
You should fly across the country
and surprise a virtual stranger for the holidays.
This is gonna be your most epic Disaster Date yet.
Uh-oh. Who's doing the dance?
You're wrong, Lee, and I'm gonna show you.
Because this is going to be the most epic love story
that you have ever read.
Now, if you'll please excuse me, I have bags to pack.
Okay.
Is this insane? It's kind of insane.
- Am I insane? I'm insane. What am I doing? - No, no, no, no.
Hey. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again
and expecting different results.
You, my friend, are about to fly 3,000 miles
to meet up with a guy who is literally the polar opposite
of anybody you've ever dated before, so...
Oh my God. The mother of all ironies is
this might be the most sane thing you've ever done.
Oh. Sir, excuse me. Um…
My bags...
Ooh. Hi.
I just landed, but my bag didn't arrive.
Fill out the form to your left and drop it in the after-hours slot when you're done.
Why would I drop it in the after-hours slot?
You're here. This office is open.
It's literally hours.
Just fill out the form, and someone will contact you.
Okay.
Is this a joke?
Oh, the gig economy's no joke.
I'll get a different Uber. Thanks.
I'm the only Uber in town.
Fine. I'll get a Lyft.
4.9 stars, and I offer snacks.
Nacho cheese?
Baked potato? I've got baked potatoes.
You want some papaya? Kiwi?
No kiwi. I would swell up like a blowfish.
- Where am I taking you, again? - 420 Holt Street.
The Lin household?
- Mm-hmm. - Nice.
How could you possibly know that?
Josh Lin is an old buddy of mine,
and given the stuff we used to smoke in his basement after school,
that's not exactly an address you forget.
Okay. Can you please just turn the radio off?
It's a great song and a classic.
Yeah. It's been putting the hip in Rohypnol since 1944.
What are you talking about? It's a cute and flirty Christmas duet.
Maybe if you're Bill Cosby.
If you could please change the station?
You're the boss.
Wow.
They really love Christmas, huh?
You should see this place at Halloween.
Stephen King is too afraid to trick-or-treat here.
Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you give this to Josh
and tell him E-Rock says to pass the Dutch?
- Okay, Snoop. - Oh yeah.
Thank you for the ride.
- Oh. Hi. - Hi.
Merry Christmas. Can I help you?
Hi. Yeah. I'm, um, Natalie Bauer. I'm here to see Josh Lin.
Is he home?
Uh. He's not here right now, but I expect him any minute.
Uh, why don't you come inside and wait?
Oh. Um. Sure.
Oh my goodness. Um.
I wasn't expecting company, uh, tonight. I'm Barb. I'm Josh's mom.
- Nice to meet you. - Hi. You too.
So, you and Josh are friends?
Yeah. Yeah. I guess you could say that.
Is that the Mormons again? For the last time, we're not converting!
It's not the Mormons, Bob!
It's a friend of Josh's!
He does that every single, solitary time, even Halloween.
Every time it rang one year, he was like, "Is that the Mormons?"
Here is Bob.
This is Josh's Dad. And this is his Grandmother, June.
- Hello, dear! - Hi. Oh.
Okay, that's good. That's good.
- How do you know Josh? - Ah, they're friends, Grandma June.
We're maybe just a little bit more than just friends.
Oh my God. Are you… are you his "G Word"?
- Geisha? - No.
Oh, you're his girlfriend?
I mean maybe. There's no titles yet.
Oh my! This… this is just off the charts. Look at you!
- Thanks. It's a new lip gloss. - Josh has a girlfriend?
Well, I mean… no…
Do we have something special? Yes.
Did I fly from LA to surprise him for Christmas?
- Mm-hmm. Sure did. Here I am. Am I crazy? - A little.
- Uh, yeah, maybe a little. - You are... This is just so romantic.
Oh God, I hope so.
Oh, Natalie, we are so...
That's him. Josh!
Someone's here to see you!
The UPS guy's not here to see me. Just sign for the package!
It's not UPS!
Just come up!
Surprise!
Natalie?
What are you doing here?
Surprising you for Christmas!
Uh…
I…
Um…
Forgot my luggage. So I'm gonna…
Josh, go help her with her luggage.
Natalie!
Good work, Josh.
No, no, no, no, no. This cannot be happening.
- Look. I… I can explain! - I don't understand.
We talked. I made sure... The… the photo!
It had my name on it. You wrote, "Bye, Natalie!"
I'm pretty good at Photoshop.
Oh my God!
Okay, let's take a deep breath.
Not the baby Jesus. Don't. Don't. No, no, no, no.
What kind of psychopath creates a fake profile
and then starts a fake relationship online?
What kind of psycho
flies across the country and shows up on somebody's front lawn?
You said, and I quote, "I wish you were here with me for Christmas."
That's just something people say. Like, "Your baby's so cute"
or "My diet starts tomorrow."
Everybody knows that.
Well, apparently not everybody. Mm.
Are you implying that this is my fault?
- Nobody is blaming anybody, okay? - Oh!
Maybe, maybe I get it, you never dated a Chinese guy before, and you're in shock!
Yes, I have. He was born in Beijing, and he was amazing in bed.
How could you lie to me? I really liked you.
I'm sorry. I… I never meant for it to go this far. Okay?
- Can we… can we go back inside and... - No, I'm not going inside!
I'm not going anywhere with you.
I never want to see you again. Okay?
- You don't know where you're going! - Baby Jesus will take the wheel.
Yeah!
Hey, um, grab me another one of these green apple thingies.
I got you. One sec, baby girl.
And so, Sarah asked me, "Would you rather have a better memory or a bigger penis?"
Okay. What'd you say?
I don't remember.
Cali Asskicker.
Cali Asskicker!
Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Get over here! - Put 'em up, put 'em up!
- Triple Sec. Rum juice. - Okay. Talk to me.
- Orange juice. Kiwi. - Say what?
- Great. - You know me.
Come on, Kerry, answer the phone.
Tell me you are calling me from his bathroom
after the most intense orgasm of your life.
Hard to have an orgasm when you've been catfished!
Shut up. Are you joking?
Oh Jesus.
You're telling me the guy exists, and he's there?
Yup.
That is not a coincidence, bitch. That is a sign from God.
You should totally go for it.
What are you, an LA six, which makes you a Lake Placid ten?
You owe it to yourself
and your 50,000 frequent-flyer miles to go for it.
Besides, what do you have to lose? Huh?
The last remaining microscopic shred of my pride and self-respect?
Long gone, Nat. Besides, think of the story you'll write.
Oh my God, Lee would be eating his freakin' words.
You know what, you're gonna go, and you're gonna do this,
and I… I want you to make that rugged unicorn notice you, okay?
You got this. Go, go, go, go. I love you. Call me later.
- Here are your drinks, guys. Get involved. - Thanks.
Sorry, I need these more than you do.
Hey!
The roof might not be my child…
but I'm still gonna raise it.
Hey!
Where's my drink? Who has my drink?
Okay, what do we got?
This is Christmas karaoke.
Just play it, please.
Okay, up next, we have Natalie doing
her idea of a Christmas song.
Sweet baby Jesus.
Yes! Whoo!-
Huh!
Be respectful.
- She has a condition. - Um.
Okay.
I am a Christian!
- Oh! Careful. Careful. - Okay.
Mm.
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Whoo.
Yeah! Very solid.
Here. You left these inside.
Shit. There must've been kiwi in those shots.
What?
Where is it? Where is it?
Wha... Where's what?
My EpiPen!
Oh shit!
Oh! Thank God you're not dead.
Where am I?
A hospital.
You took me to a vet?
Well, the real human hospital's 30 minutes away,
and I didn't want to risk it.
But relax, Dr. Foye is the best in town.
Hello. I'm Dr. Foye. Wow! You look a lot, uh, a lot better.
Huh? Right? Good thing Josh brought you in when he did, huh?
'Cause you were like… Whoo!
You're gonna be fine. Stay as long as you like.
Couple biscuits under the tree for you if you like.
- Thank you. - Thanks, Doc.
- So, you met the real Tag tonight, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Did you really think sexy karaoke was going to work?
This is not LA, and Tag is not an LA guy.
Hot girls hit on him here all the time, and they're all the same.
If you want him to notice you, do something different.
Oh, he noticed me tonight.
Honestly, your face was so swollen, you looked more like Chucky.
I doubt he'll recognize you.
- I don't know anything about this guy. - But I do.
Not only were Tag and I best friends until 8th grade,
I have been pretending to be him for the last two weeks.
So what?
So, I know Tag better than he knows himself.
I can help you get him.
Why would you do that?
Well, maybe if I'm helping you with something,
maybe you can do something for me in return.
I am not having sex with you.
No! That's not what I'm saying at all.
I was thinking maybe you can, um, pretend to be my girlfriend until Christmas.
Um.
Why?
Did you see how my parents looked at me tonight
when they thought you were my girlfriend?
Okay, you're crazy.
Being seen with you? That would be a huge win.
I mean, you know,
look at you.
All I'm asking for is a week.
Then we'll stage a breakup, and you'll be free from me forever.
You're gonna set me up with Tag?
Yes! You guys will be in love by New Year's.
Have a baby by next Thanksgiving.
By the way, do you have insurance? They were asking me.
Well, welcome to my crib.
This is where the magic happens.
That's just something people say. Not a lot of magic has happened at all.
Uh… but got a mini-fridge with all kinds of soda.
There's laundry, bathroom, foosball table if you want to play.
Oh. I love what you've done with the place.
Well, it's still, you know, it's pretty much temporary.
My apartment is still under renovation. It sustained a little smoke damage, so…
Well, good night.
- Just make yourself comfortable. - Uh. No.
You, on the floor. Now.
This is the only Tempur-Pedic in the house, and I have a bad back.
I don't care if this bed is the only thing keeping you from complete paralysis.
We ain't sharing.
- What if we put pillows in the middle? - No.
- Okay. What if we do like head to toe? - Mm. It's always gonna be no. So, yeah.
We should probably address the, uh, catfish in the room.
You do realize that at some point, you were going to have to meet me.
Well, I didn't set out to catfish you. It just kind of happened.
It kind of happened?
I had my profile up for a year, and guess how many matches I got.
Three.
And one of them was my old English teacher.
She's 70 now, and she has a pacemaker.
Having sex with her would literally kill her.
So just as an experiment,
I thought I could use a picture of a standard hot guy
and see what would happen. I got 85 matches in five minutes.
So, apparently, there's plenty of girls out there.
They just didn't want to date me.
Are you seriously looking for sympathy right now?
There are no words for what you did.
- Well, I would... - No words!
But a deal's a deal. So let's just move on.
Okay.
And you had to write the words on your hand.
He keeps taking his glove off.
His hands are freezing.
I… I… I thought your finger was gonna fall off, Dad, for sure!
- Natalie! - Oh.
Come on in, come on. Join us for breakfast. We just sat down.
Um, I actually should probably go shower.
Oh, I'm sure you look absolutely beautiful.
But full disclosure, I can't see shit.
Please, sit.
Wow, this all looks so delicious.
Oh, please, help yourself to anything.
Oh, bacon?
- Oh, she's a vegetarian. - I'm a vegetarian.
But thank you, Mr. Lin.
So where did you lovebirds rush off to last night?
- Oh, we went to McGregor's for karaoke. - Mm-hmm.
Oh, how was that?
- Oh. - It was, uh…
Swell? Right, Natalie?
Well, I want to hear all about how you two met.
Oh, it's just an online dating app.
Not much to it.
Just text, text, send.
Next thing you know, she's right next to me.
Here I am.
What nonsense.
People used to fall in and out of love based solely upon the written word.
The pen is mightier than the penis.
Grandma, let's... We have company.
Let's eat our eggs before they get cold.
So, Natalie, what was it about Josh that first caught your eye?
Gee, I mean, um…
I don't even know where to start.
There was just so many unbelievable things in his profile.
His photos. I took one look at that hair, that unique physique.
Uh, I mean, that jawline.
I thought to myself, "It's too good to be true."
Oh no, it's true.
He's gotten more chiseled in the last couple of years.
Oh, but it wasn't just the photos that ensnared me.
His bio. He's passionate about life,
loves all things outdoors.
Oh hey. He mentioned the store.
My father started it 50 years ago.
I run it now, but Josh is one of the salesmen.
- We don't have to talk shop at breakfast. - Oh, but it's so fascinating.
And all the travel that it must involve.
Well, if you count lunch runs to Applebee's,
then Josh travels every day.
Applebee's!
Applebee's.
You know, I've been thinking about joining one of those dating sites.
My friend Darlene
down at Shimmering Pines, she joined one called Gray Play,
and she has seen more ass than a church pew.
- Okay, June! Seriously. - Mom.
Let's just…
I could use your expertise in setting up my profile.
- Oh. Um… - Yeah.
- Okay. - Sure.
May I see yours? And can you show me Josh's?
- I didn't bring my phone. It's downstairs. - Maybe later, Grams.
Yeah. Natalie and I have to head out.
Uh, I'm gonna show her a grand tour of Lake Placid and the store.
- Oh. That's a great idea. Fun. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Take your toast. - Drive carefully.
Oh. Yeah.
- Mmm. So good! - She loves her toast!
Okay. The first thing you need to know about Tag
is he likes outdoorsy, adventurous women.
Not Instagram models who count carbs.
I don't count carbs.
I monitor them.
Sure. Whatever you say. So, uh, what size are you?
None of your business. Besides, what's wrong with what I'm wearing?
You wanna look relaxed, like you don't care.
So go put these on because Tag is gonna be here any minute.
What?
Yeah, he's got an order come in. I told him to swing by at 11:00.
- Oh, also, take this. - Uh.
Walden? Are you kidding me? Thoreau was an asshole.
Pretend you like it because that's Tag's favorite book.
Also! When you're talking to him, throw in some rock climbing lingo.
He loves that shit.
- What's up, Tag? - Hey, buddy, how's it going?
Hey, man.
- Is that Tag? Captain America! - How's it going?
- Ooh! Solid as a rock! - Thank you. It's good to see you, Mr. Lin.
- I hear you got some carabiners for me? - Sure do. They're in the back.
- I want you to meet someone today. - Oh? Okay.
Yeah.
- Nice stuff. Get some new duds in? - Always.
Tag, I want you to meet my cousin Natalie.
And Natalie, I want you to meet my old friend Tag.
You two are cousins?
Yeah. Uh. We… Well...
From my stepmom's side, so that would technically make us step-cousins.
Oh.
A distinction that only really matters if you're from Alabama.
She's such a joker.
Yeah.
Walden?
Oh.
That's my favorite book. I reread it every year.
- Really? Wow. - Yeah.
- No way! - Yeah.
Isn't Thoreau the best?
Well, some people find him a self-obsessed narcissist,
fanatical about self-control, not to mention a total hypocrite,
but personally, I find him so inspiring.
"Rather than love, than money,
than fame,
give me truth."
I'm sorry. It gets me every time.
If anyone gets it, it's me.
God.
Have we met before?
Because you look so familiar. I… I just can't put my finger on it.
Unlikely. Natalie just flew in from California this morning.
This morning.
I actually teach a survival course in Yosemite every summer.
Savage!
- I guess you could say that, yeah. - I love Yosemite.
It's, uh, I mean, there's some gnar... Like, gnarly climbing there.
You climb?
Me? Do I climb? I'll climb anything that moves.
I'm an aggro.
- Aggro? - Yeah, like aggressive. Aggro.
An aggressive climber. I climb all kinds of things like
ladders, um, houses, um, trees,
ladders…
Mostly ladders.
That's cool.
Um, a few of us are climbing at Rock Ventures tomorrow.
Wanna join?
Hell yeah! Let's do it.
- Great. - Mm-hmm.
- 10:00 a.m.? - Perfect.
Um. Well, hey, it was nice to meet you, Natalie.
- I'll see you guys at 10:00 a.m. - See you, bro.
Climb you later!
Savage?
Gnarly?
Aggro?
You're the one who told me to look up the lingo!
Yeah. Real words like "rappel" and "harness."
You sound like you got Millennial Tourette's!
Well, you know what? We've got bigger problems.
I once broke my toe climbing out of bed. How am I gonna climb a wall?
I can teach you right here. I mean, how bad could you possibly be?
- All right. Come down! - I can't hold on!
Here. Here. Come on.
Sweet baby Jesus.
The key is to not focus on the wall, but to focus on your first move.
Here, look at this.
And then, your second. Okay?
Onto your third.
See, great things are done by a series of small things brought together.
- Hmm? - Whew.
That's actually very insightful.
Van Gogh. Feel free to use it on Tag sometime.
Any questions?
What was he like in high school?
Exactly what you'd expect.
Class president, prom king, star of the football team.
Why did you stop being friends?
Because he got popular.
And you?
Didn't.
Go ahead, come on.
Full disclosure,
I was kind of a late bloomer too.
I find that very hard to believe.
Yeah, well, If it wasn't for Invisalign and Accutane,
you would not have swiped on me.
Well, if it wasn't for Tag's photos, you wouldn't have swiped on me.
How am I doing so far?
- You're actually doing great. - Yeah?
Yeah.
- Do you have a hamper? - It's over by the closet.
Is this how you boil your victims?
Careful! Careful! Careful! That's a wax warmer for candle-making.
It's very expensive.
Okay.
Grandma June makes candles?
Yes, it's one of her hobbies.
Josh Lin?
All right, fine, they're mine.
Guys can do things besides hunt and pay for everything, okay?
Plus, I see this more as a business than a hobby.
- All right. - Wait, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!
- Let's see what you got. - Come on!
Okay.
Oh.
You see, candles are solely marketed to women.
They all smell like flowers and candy
with names like "Sweet Caresses" or "Shooting Star."
No self-respecting man's gonna buy those,
even if his apartment smells like bong water.
So, I created my own line of masculine candles
that captures the essence of a dude.
Yeah, I don't see "Compulsive Liar,"
"Left The Toilet Seat Up," or "Won't Ask For Directions" in here.
Make all the jokes you want,
but 50 percent of the US candle market is underserved.
So, then why don't you serve them?
Because a business costs money.
Then ask your dad for a loan. I feel like he's the target customer.
- Have you met him? - Yeah.
- The old Asian man upstairs? - Oh yeah.
He's only interested in sporty, manly things.
Plus, he and my brother would just tease me about it.
- You have a brother? - Prodigal son has returned!
Christmas may now commence!
Speak of the devil.
Owen's here! Now it's Christmas!
Is that my baby?
- Owen! - Mom! Mm!
- Hi, Chelsea! - Merry Christmas, honey.
Merry Christmas. Look at what I got you.
- It's so good to see you! - Honey! Wow!
- Wow! Look at you! - Merry Christmas!
You've been lifting those weights I bought you. Huh? Yeah!
- You've been so busy with the new house! - Okay. Game face.
Hey, Joshy!
- What's going on, bro? - What's up, Owen?
Merry Christmas, man.
Wow!
Oh, and, uh, who do we have here?
Oh, this is Natalie.
Oh, is she Grandma's new nurse?
- No. - Ah! She must be in Mom's new book club.
- No, she is... - Oh shit. Shit. Uh…
Is this another intervention?
No, honey. Natalie is your brother's girlfriend.
Oh, you're… you're… you're serious.
Really?
- Really. - Mm-hmm.
Oh! Well, that is awesome.
Yeah, we... You know, we were just saying in the car, right?
- We were just talking about it. - We talked about this for hours.
- Yeah. Yeah. - How is Joshy still single?
Yeah, I mean, granted, he still lives at home,
and the glasses aren't doing him any favors.
No, they're not.
- I am so pumped about this. Aren't you? - I'm so pumped.
Oh, we... This is a Christmas miracle.
Thank you so much, Natasha.
You know what? The pleasure's all mine, Oren.
- Yeah, I made this! - Yeah.
It's still in good condition.
Speaking of stocks, uh, the market has been crazy this year.
- So crazy. - Yeah.
A lot of guys bet big on China Tire.
They lost everything except their virginity.
Hey!
Oh my God.
- Look at this. Look at this. - Oh, look at my little guy.
- Look at junior jumbo Josh. - Oh no.
- We don't have to... - Yes! You remember this one?
That is my favorite ornament of all time.
God, you were such a cutie, Josh. Look at that rat tail. Do you see that?
He was such a cutie!
- Those chubby little cheekies! - He was eight.
You know, I'm actually super grateful for my awkward teenage years.
They helped me develop resilience, empathy.
If it wasn't for that, I'd be, I don't know, uh,
an insensitive, attention-seeking jerk?
Former chubster, huh?
Tsk. Aw!
Mm!
- Where does this one go? - Oh!
That one goes on top of the… the tree.
Um.
I put it up every year.
It's, like, a tradition sort of thing. It's no big deal.
Actually, I was thinking maybe Natalie could put it up this year
since it's her first time here, and she's our guest and all.
Uh, yeah, well, sure. Sure.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
- I think she cut me. - It's okay, baby. I think she did too.
- Hold on to her tight, Josh. - Oh, I got her.
- Careful. - Just right on top there.
- I'm gonna help her. - It's okay. Focus on...
- I got it. Oh, look at that. - Perfect!
- It's so crooked. - It's very crooked.
- Here we go. - Light her up.
I'll come back and fix it.
- Whoo! - Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas.
Great!
Everyone did a great job on it this year.
Except for the star.
- Well, especially Natalie. - Yeah.
Owen really likes being the center of attention, huh?
Likes to be? He has to be. He's a Pisces.
The next time he tries to steal the spotlight, steal it back.
- Easier said than done. - No, I'm serious. Steal it back.
All right. Come on. We gotta go. Don't want to be late.
Tag is fanatically punctual.
So, is the, uh, wall that we're climbing like the one we climbed at your store?
- Yeah. Pretty much. - Okay.
Natalie! You coming or what?
Yup. Definitely. Be right there.
- You didn't tell me he was Tom Cruise. - Oh, I thought you were an aggro.
I can't do this.
- Yes, you can. - Get this off me.
- Get this off. - Don't undo that, come on.
- Off! Off! Off! Off! Get this off me. No! - Just stop. Stop.
Stop. You got this, okay?
Here, look.
Put these in.
What? Why?
It'll help you relax. And it's your favorite song.
It's gonna help me relax. Gonna help me relax.
Yeah, it's gonna help me rel... Oh.
Remember, one move at a time.
- What? - One move at a time!
Thanks, Joshy-poo. Not my first climb, though, man.
We know, bro!
Go get him!
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah, snap! Hug those jugs!
Natalie, kill it! Whoo!
Hah!
Whoo!
Yes!
I thought you guys said this was hard…
Not bad. Come on down.
Um…
Actually, I think, um…
I'm gonna stay up here and enjoy the view for a little while.
My turn.
Natalie, what're you doing?
- Go get it. - Watch, you might learn something.
Okay, Joshy.
- Go hard. - Get it, Joshy!
I see you.
All right, Josh.
Hey. What are you doing?
- The hard part is over. Just rappel down. - Uh-uh.
You got through the tough part. It's nothing.
Oh God, this is how I die. I'm gonna die. This is… this is it. This is it for me.
Okay. Okay. I think I actually know a trick to get you down,
but you gotta trust me.
Trust the guy who catfished me?
No, trust the guy who got you up here in the first place.
Look, I know you're scared, but you've got this.
And I've got you.
Okay? I promise.
Come on.
Breathe. Breathe.
That was so awesome. You got all the way up here by yourself.
Good. Okay. Stand up.
Okay, great.
Oh my God.
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Don't look backwards.
Okay.
- I can't do this, Josh. I can't do this. - Yes, you can.
Slowly walk backwards towards the edge of the wall.
- What? No. No, Josh. - Yeah. Come on. You're doing great.
I don't like this.
- Oh God! - It's okay. It's okay.
Now, close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
And release.
Oh!
Whoa!
Did you just jump? You really stuck the landing.
What, that?
Yeah, you should see me on a real mountain.
- Well, I'd like that. - Mm.
If you're not busy tomorrow morning, come meet me at Corbin Glen Park.
9:00 a.m.? And wear something comfortable.
It's a date.
All right.
Lin family, let's go!
Owen seems psychotically into this.
- You have no idea. - Proud voices! Loud voices! Come on!
- Did he just…? - Yup.
You're off-key, Dad.
How much is too much?
Other side, baby. It's your mark.
Quick finish, Grandma, don't mess it up!
Jesus!
Back by popular demand. Lin family carolers!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Do we have any more requests?
- "Baby, It's Cold Outside"! - Yes!
I think we can make that happen. Who wants to take the duet?
Big mystery there, Bob.
Natalie and I got this one, Dad.
Huh?
- Wait, what? - Yup.
Uh.
Over my cold, dead, lifeless body. I'm not singing that.
That is, like, the sexual assault theme song.
Hey, bro, why don't you let me and Chels take this?
- Yeah. - Don't think she knows the lyrics.
- I do know them. I just don't... - She knows the lyrics.
We're good.
Josh, I...
- This is what we're gonna do. - No!
You just do your part.
I will change my lyrics so the song doesn't sound so, uh, rape-y.
Fine, let's just get this over with.
Dad? Hit it.
I'm okay. Okay.
Totally consensual.
To take a hint?
- Aw! What a duet! Terrific! - What a beautiful voice, Natalie!
- Oh no. No, I don't. - It was wonderful!
Okay, okay. I think… I think we should tell them.
- It's time to tell them. Let's tell them. - I think it's time. Okay.
- Can I have your attention? Please? - So clever...
Uh. You know, we… we were gonna wait to tell everyone the great news, but…
after hearing all this singing about babies,
we just got so darn excited, and, uh,
uh, we just couldn't keep it to ourselves anymore. Um…
Mom? Dad?
- You're gonna be grandparents. - We're pregnant.
Oh wow!
Oh, son!
Oh, come here, come here. Come on, come on, Grandma.
- I'm so proud of you. - We gotta come up with some names.
Mom!
This is gonna be so much fun.
We're gonna do the bedroom, we're gonna do the nursery room.
Oh my...
May I have everyone's attention, please?
May I… may I have everyone's attention, please?
Owen and Chelsea, I just wanna say congratulations.
Seeing you guys so happy in love and now pregnant.
I mean, it's a… it's a dream come true.
It's a dream I never dared to have for myself.
Finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.
It just didn't really seem to be in the cards…
Until I met Natalie.
Hmm?
Oh no.
What are you doing?
Get up.
Natalie. I… I know we haven't known each other for that long...
No, we haven't. We really haven't.
But you know what they say. When you know, you know.
I'm serious. This is not funny.
Natalie Bauer.
Stop it. Get up.
Will you marry me?
Stop...
He doesn't even have a ring.
Yeah, you don't have a ring.
Say yes. Just say yes. Just say it.
Jesus Christ.
You can take mine. I don't have to be buried with it.
Oh, thank you, Grandma.
You're the best!
Natalie.
Will you?
Come on. Everybody's looking at us.
- Say yes! - Yes! Yes!
Everyone's looking. Just say yes.
We're not getting any younger, dear.
Yes.
She said yes!
Oh my God!
- Oh my God. - Oh my goodness!
Oh, it fits perfect!
- Oh! - Oh!
You're making me the happiest boy... We're the happiest family in town!
- Welcome to the family, Natalie. - Oh, thank you, Grandma.
- Oh! - It's crazy!
I'm the happiest man in town. Thank you. Thank you, everyone.
Okay. I… I know you're mad,
but you told me to stand up for myself, and… and it worked!
I told you to stand up, not get down on one knee!
This was not part of the plan.
I'm… I'm sorry. I got carried away in the moment.
But if you think about it, nothing's changed.
Nothing's changed?
Your grandma gave me her ring
off of her finger!
Still, we just gotta make it through Christmas.
When you get back to LA, I just tell them we didn't work out.
And then I look like the asshole? Your family is gonna be crushed.
Don't worry. They're very used to me disappointing them.
What about Tag? I have a date with him tomorrow.
What if he finds out I'm engaged to my cousin?
He won't. I promise you that. Okay?
Everything will be fine. Just trust me.
Tr… trust you?
That is literally the one thing that I cannot do!
I even wore this stupid hat!
You wanted me to wear a hat. You're like, "It's cute." It's dumb!
Now I'm apparently getting married!
I don't know about this Natalie.
If she wants to be in our family, I need to know who she is.
And I've been,
I've been searching for like an hour and nothing.
Not being Google-able is the modern equivalent
of driving a white, windowless van by a playground.
I went to prom in a white windowless van.
Huh?
I think you should just let it go.
I mean, she's not that bad, and Josh seems really into her.
Chels, the baby barely has a heartbeat, let alone ears.
Music prevents stretch marks, Owen.
Let me get this straight.
You're dating the real Tag, and you're engaged to the fake Tag?
Correct.
My God, honey, you are gonna make a therapist very wealthy one day.
This isn't funny, Ker!
I am so screwed!
All you have to do is make sure Tag and the Lins
don't find out anything before Christmas, and you're golden.
Just sit back, enjoy it.
I don't know, Ker.
I feel like this is gonna blow up in my face.
Honey, sometimes blow-ups can be a good thing.
You might not always get the ending you want,
but you'll get the ending you need.
Worst case, you get a free diamond ring.
Oh. Hey… hey, Nat. Sweetie, I love you, but I gotta go. My sponsor's calling.
Bye, sweetie. Love you.
Hey.
Kerry?
Is everything okay?
Oh, uh, Natalie, can you please hand me my… my wrench?
Uh, yeah.
- Here. - Thanks.
No problem.
Got it.
Whew.
Damn flue always gets stuck.
Oh, would you like to help me with kindling?
Sure.
Just roll it lightly and scrunch.
Yeah, my dad didn't set fires unless there was an insurance claim involved.
Who's that?
Oh.
Oh, that's my dad.
Yeah. He passed a few years ago.
Oh, I'm…
- Oh. - I'm sorry.
You know, that man loved two things in this world,
his family and Christmas.
He used to climb up on the roof every Christmas Eve and stomp around
so the boys knew Santa had arrived.
He fell off one year and broke his arm.
But he told the boys he broke it, protecting their presents from the Grinch.
He sounds like a great guy.
Yeah.
Hey, listen, um…
I just wanted you to know that
we're really happy to have you joining the family.
Okay. Well, enough of that.
Ready to give this bad boy a go?
Sure.
Oh. Okay. All right.
This is the most beautiful hike I've ever been on.
I'm glad you like it.
I used to come here every day with my golden retriever, Chewy.
He passed away last year, actually.
- I miss him every day. - Mm.
He would've liked this hike a lot…
Mm.
…and you.
This has been nice. I haven't been on a hike date in years.
Oh, this is not the date. It's just a warm-up.
You ever been bobsledding before?
I'm not good at this kind of stuff, Josh.
Okay. You just have to relax.
Relax? I can't relax. The tension is the only thing holding me together.
Put in your AirPods, and put on some music.
I don't know if I have them.
Actually, I think I have something even better.
Oh, um, E-Rock says "pass the dutch."
E-Rock?
When did he get out of jail?
Yeah!
How are you feeling back there, Natalie?
Flying high back here.
Glad you're not dead.
Oh! I've never felt more alive!
Not only did Tag ask me to dinner tomorrow night,
but I'm pretty sure I qualified for the winter Olympics in Beijing.
Oh!
For the first time,
I met someone who's as perfect in person
as they are on paper.
I hate to break it to you, but Tag is actually far from being perfect.
In first grade, he had a lazy eye and needed to wear an eye patch.
Why are you being all weird?
I'm just trying to point out that in some cultures,
height and facial symmetry are repulsive.
It's a good thing I'm not part of those cultures.
Whatcha doin' over here?
Just mixing some new scents.
Mmm.
Smells like freshly cut grass.
- Well, that one's called Lawn Mower. - Mm.
Mmm.
Getting a feeling.
Bear with me. Um…
It's like a... You know those blue-collar mechanics guys
with the tight shirts, that put in a hard day's work?
Jiffy Lube is what I'm calling it.
You might want to rethink the names, but you did nail the scents.
Oh, sorry, that's just for me.
Ooh. Yeah, well, looks like now it's just for me.
Mmm!
Eucalyptus. I love eucalyptus.
And Old Spice.
And there's, like, a tiny little tinge of, hmm… gasoline?
What is this one?
Grandpa.
I started making candles because of him in the first place.
You know they say a scent can make a memory come alive.
So I made one of him.
It's lame, I know.
No.
It's not lame.
It's actually really sweet.
Hey, guys, the movie's about to start!
What movie?
The greatest Christmas movie of all time.
It's carol singers.
I've seen him in something.
He's from Game of Thrones.
No, he's from that zombie show.
Walking Dead.
Ew. I hated that documentary.
Guys, come on. This is my favorite part.
Oh shoot.
Oh!
Oh, look! It's going to print! Little lovebirds.
Your engagement announcement. It's gonna be in the Gazette tomorrow.
Get in! Get in!
You can run, but you can't hide!
Oh shit. Stay down. Stay down.
- He's gone. - Are you sure?
I'm pretty sure that paperboy is gonna get fired over this.
- I'll give him a job at the store. - Oh, well, I hope he likes to travel.
That's an upgrade, I'd say.
Okay. This is the last street. I think we got all of it.
Oh my God.
I mean, I… I look like a deer in the headlights in this photo.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
It's a pretty decent photo of you, though.
Look at that.
Probably the only one in existence.
Come on, Josh.
I know a lot of girls who'd be very into you.
Well, they're definitely not on FlirtAlert.
Do you still have your original profile photos?
- Oh my God, you do. - No.
Come on, show me.
- I deleted the whole thing. - No, you didn't.
Please?
- No. No. - I know you. I know you.
- Okay. Okay. - Show me the photos!
Dude. You're holding an ax. You literally look like an ax murderer.
I was going for, like, a rugged look.
Okay.
What? Who doesn't like a bathroom selfie? I looked kind of cut that day. Look.
No one loves a bathroom selfie! Also, why are you holding a wrench?
I was fixing the toilet downstairs. Girls like guys who fix things.
What?
Okay, okay. Come here. Come here.
Let's recap for a second. You're holding a wrench, an ax, and some rope.
Were you actually trying to find a girlfriend
or the person who murdered Colonel Mustard in the library?
No wonder you only got three matches. You were hiding your strengths.
And what strengths are those?
Well.
For one, you have very nice eyes.
You gotta show those puppies off.
And those teeth.
You have really straight teeth.
They're freakishly straight.
Well, five years of braces.
So then smile more!
There you go.
There it is.
I'm kidding.
But more importantly, you're a good guy, Josh.
Well, I don't know how to show that in a photo.
Well, for starters, you have to believe that it's true.
And then, once you do,
trust me,
it'll show.
Promise me that when this is all over,
you'll put up an honest profile with real photos
that show the real you.
I promise.
I know you're in there, you mofos.
I can see the steam!
Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Sure you don't want to stay the night? We're making a gingerbread house.
I told Tag I'd meet him at eight.
Hmm.
Okay. So?
What do you think?
Wow.
I know. I... It's the best I could find in your mom's closet.
But I did have to make a couple of alterations. I hope she doesn't mind.
No. You look…
Perfect.
Okay.
No need to oversell it.
- So, where are you guys going tonight? - Um… Abbott's, I think.
- You know that's a steakhouse, right? - Yeah. His parents own it.
Right, and you're vegetarian,
but Tag's a real meat-and-potatoes type of guy,
and he likes his girls the same way.
Okay, so I'll eat a potato.
Worst case, maybe I'll have a little meat.
Yeah, don't you think this is going a little too far?
No.
Okay. Pretending to like rock climbing or a book, that's one thing.
But now you're compromising your beliefs.
Okay, relax. It's not like I'm opening up a slaughterhouse.
Well, it's meat today, but then what are you going to lie about tomorrow?
I'm… I'm sorry. Lie?
Let's not forget the only reason I'm here is because you lied.
- I lied about a photo. - No.
You hid behind a photo. You lied about your identity.
But it was still me.
Every conversation we had, every text we exchanged,
every laugh we shared.
It was me.
You liked me.
And you like me so much,
you flew across the country to surprise me for Christmas.
You're right. I liked you.
But you were a lie.
A piece of fiction.
Good evening. Any questions on the menu?
I will have the porterhouse.
And how would you like that cooked?
You know me. So rare, a good vet could bring it back to life.
Josh, I'm sorry that Natalie couldn't be with us tonight.
Where is she?
Uh, Abbott's.
What's she doing there?
Uh, she's just… uh… uh… sampling the menu, uh, for the wedding meal.
Mm.
Isn't that something you do together?
No, it doesn't matter what I like.
You know, as long as she's happy, I'm happy.
Ah crap. I'm out of Twizzlers.
How can I build my beautiful roof without Twizzlers?
I'm gonna head to the store real quick.
Uh, and I'll be right back. Anyone need anything? No? No? Okay.
So, um, what do you think of the place?
It's really something.
You can see Bambi without actually going to Disney World.
You know, I shot that one, actually.
- Wow. - Yeah.
Okay, so you like pizza, rock climbing, and Thoreau.
- Mm-hmm. - What else do you like?
Movies.
Specifically, Die Hard.
It is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
Well, cheers to that.
I totally love Christmas,
but Santa's actually kind of creepy when you think about it.
He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.
He always makes you sit on his lap.
Yep. Totally agree.
I mean, that guy is everything that's wrong with Christmas.
It's pretty much why I don't celebrate it.
Oh, you're serious? You don't celebrate Christmas?
No.
Stopped three years ago.
- Why? - Because it's a total scam.
Okay.
Really? Okay.
Oh, uh, don't pull up to the house.
- Everyone's sleeping. - Okay.
No offense, but your car is a little loud.
Okay.
Well, I had a really nice evening.
I did too.
Thank you.
Thank you. Um…
Good night.
There's cereal in there.
Hey, Josh, listen. About what I said last night, I...
Look, you don't have to say anything.
No, I want to.
- Hey, kids. - I shouldn't have...
I need your help. Go get dressed, and meet me at the car.
Where are we going?
Shimmering Pines.
Come on, Grandma. Just ask Mom to help. Okay? She loves that place.
I don't need your mom. I need you.
We're starting now. We're going to start now, everyone.
We're going to be starting now.
Many of you've expressed interest in online dating.
Well, I've brought you two experts.
My grandson, Josh, and his fiancée Natalie.
Oh.
They actually met online and now are engaged.
So, who better to come and talk to you about
the dos and don'ts of online dating?
Any questions?
How do I make it clear
that I'm not looking for anything long-term?
Yeah.
Um… I… I think that might be implied.
Do I have to mention my Parkinson's?
I think being honest is always a good idea.
- Oh. - What if I spruce it up just a little bit?
Instead of "has Parkinson's,"
I go with, uh,
"Always on the move."
Ooh, that's a good idea! I like that.
I want to avoid mentioning that I'm in a wheelchair.
Then just change it. Say, "I enjoy rolling with my homies."
- Yeah! That's good. - Oh, that sounds really good!
Guys, I… I think you guys got the wrong idea.
And will the fact that I live in a nursing home turn off a lot of men?
- Uh. - Not necessarily.
Just say, "Into the group thing."
And then Hank there would prefer staying in over going out.
Stop. Stop. Everyone just stop.
I… I get it.
I… I really, really do.
You wanna put your best foot forward.
You lived a full, vibrant life, and you're a good person.
Traveled the world, fought in a war.
And Gladys, you met Sinatra.
I heard about your night at the Flamingo.
But then the insecurities creep in, and you start with a slight exaggeration.
Still you, just a shinier version.
But… you like it.
So you tweak it just a little more
until the real you, which was probably pretty great to begin with,
is unrecognizable.
But here's the thing.
You're not just fooling yourself.
There's someone else on the other side of that lie
falling in love with a version of you that doesn't exist.
And that's not fair
because the only way it ends for them is disappointment.
And the only way it ends for you
is heartbreak.
If I've learned anything,
it's that love doesn't have to be perfect.
It just has to be honest.
- Is "curvy" spelled with a Y or an EY? - There's no E.
I guess I never realized. I was so busy being mad at you
that I… I never stopped to think about why you actually did it.
Look. Natalie,
the… the why doesn't even matter anymore.
It was wrong. I shouldn't have asked you to lie in the first place.
And I'm just gonna go to my family and come clean with everything.
Wait, what? No. No, no, no, no. You can't do that.
Josh, this isn't all your fault. I mean…
Besides, a deal's a deal. We've made it this far.
It's only two days till Christmas. Let's stage a breakup like we planned.
Don't worry, I'll sell it.
I don't know. It… it doesn't feel right.
Grandma, the car's that way!
Grandma! That's the wrong way!
Wait up!
Grandma, where are you going?
- Here they come. - Surprise!
Hey, guys!
Oh, we are so excited to have you join the family!
Your parents threw us a surprise engagement party? Here?
Yeah. Not ideal.
Let's party!
- Hi. - Hey.
What are you doing here?
Your aunt asked if we could throw a surprise engagement party for Josh here.
- I figured it's the least I could do. - Oh.
Where's the bride-to-be anyway? I haven't met her yet.
She's doing the rounds.
- Congratulations, dear. - Thank you. You look hungry.
Why did he just congratulate you?
- Oh. You didn't hear? - Uh-uh.
I was the millionth customer at the Supermart. Hmm.
- Huh? - Free non-perishables for life.
- Wow! - Yeah, lucky me!
- I know a great charity that... - Do you know where the coat check is?
- Yeah. Oh, okay. Uh-huh. - Do you mind taking that for me?
- Thank you so much. - You… you look great, by the way.
Thanks.
Hors d'oeuvres?
J-Dog! Congrats, my man!
E-Rock! My mom really did invite everybody in town. Huh?
Well, actually, I was just dropping off your, uh, your lady's suitcase.
There's so much nice underwear in there. You're a lucky guy.
I gotta say I'm surprised.
Lee?
- I didn't think it was gonna work out. - How… how… are you here?
Duh, first class, honey. I'm not a peasant.
No, I… I mean, um...
Listen, you're not the only one that can stalk people on the internet.
I found out about this little soirée courtesy of Barb's Facebook page. Hello!
Hey, how's it going?
So, Tag and Lee are here.
- Lee? Are you dating two guys now? - No, he's my boss.
What? Why is he here?
Because God hates me.
Glenlivet 12, neat.
That's a man who knows how to drink.
Just act natural. We'll figure a way out. We just got to stick together. Okay?
Hey, babe. I want to introduce you to my parents.
I'm out.
What brings you here?
I'm Natalie's boss.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Tell me more.
Mom, Dad, this is Natalie.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Tag's told us so much about you.
He never says anything about his girlfriends, so…
Dad, come on.
Girlfriend. Wow. It's… it's so, so nice to meet you.
I think I'm just gonna go use the ladies' room.
Hey, not so fast. We need to talk.
- I'm kind of busy, Owen. - Oh, talking to your lover, Tag?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw you two here last night looking pretty damn cozy.
Okay, it's not… it's not what you think.
Ah, that's funny, because I didn't know what to think
until I spoke to your boss a few seconds ago,
and now it all makes sense.
Okay, look, I… I can explain.
- So the thing is... - La-la-la-la…
I don't want to hear it. I just want you to stop this charade with my brother.
Two glasses of Veuve, please.
- Tag, what's going on, bro? - What's up, E?
Can you believe that J-Dog is getting married?
- Chick's pretty cool too. - I haven't met her yet.
Well, she's right there.
Dude, that's his cousin.
I don't judge. You love who you love.
No. You know wh...
Why should I believe what comes out of your mouth?
- Are you serious... - Hey! Everything okay here?
- No! - Yes.
Natalie, she didn't come to New York for love. She came here for a story.
She's been playing you since day one, bro.
She's a writer for a Disaster Date column, and you're not her fiancé.
You are her subject.
- Don't... - Wait. What? Nat.
What is he talking about?
Could I have everyone's attention?
I'm not one for speeches, so I'll keep this quick.
Uh…
Josh.
I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye on things,
but you're a good kid with a big heart,
and after spending, uh, the last week with your beautiful bride-to-be,
I think the whole family agrees that you've picked a winner!
I couldn't be happier for you, son.
So let's all raise a glass to future Mr. and Mrs. Lin,
- Josh and... - No!
Not yet. Um…
Uh…
We can't cheers before all the speeches are done.
I mean, I'd like to add to your beautiful, beautiful speech
with my own speech.
A speech sequel, per se,
about, um, love, and, uh, Josh,
and…
And?
…dishonesty.
Because that's what I've been,
dishonest
with Josh, and the Lins,
Tag,
everyone, really. I...
Here it goes.
Four weeks ago, I met a guy online.
He was smart, funny, sweet, and he looked like him.
So, I decided to come here and surprise him for Christmas.
But when I got here, I realized that the guy
I was really talking to was him.
I got catfished,
and I was furious.
But Josh told me that he would help get me Tag
if I pretended to be his girlfriend for the holidays.
And I honestly just...
I… I thought that my perfect match was here,
so I agreed, and I pretended to be someone that I'm not, but…
I just wanted my happy ending.
But I can't do it anymore. I… I… I can't lie.
I just can't, I'm sorry. I…
I'm so sorry.
Do you even climb?
What about Thoreau?
I hate him.
Bobsledding?
I literally had to get stoned to get through it.
Yeah. Now, that's my girl.
Okay, so… so you got mad at Josh for catfishing you,
and then you go and do the exact same thing to me.
Congratulations.
And… and by the way,
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.
Yeah.
Okay, all right, show's over. Nothing to see here, all right?
Okay? All right?
All right. Time to go home. Stop looking at my brother.
A passion whose flame fails to be fanned eventually burns out.
Don't be afraid to be you. Natalie.
I was happy with their meat.
That's what they're known for. Good old steak as always.
She's gone.
Baby.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Thank you, Grandma.
Chin up, brother bear.
Sorry, Josh.
It's okay.
Here's the deal. Things happen for...
I'm sorry, son.
What are all these?
Oh, just candles I made. It's… it's nothing.
You made this?
You make candles?
It's… it's no big deal. It's just… it's just a hobby.
Wow! I don't know how you did it, but…
This smells exactly like Grandpa.
It's as if he's here in the room with us.
I can smell his aftershave.
The wool of his sweater.
Wait, there's something else that I just can't place.
- Eucalyptus? - Bengay.
Well.
That's one hell of a hobby.
Actually, Dad, it's not just a hobby.
I… I think it could be a business.
A big one.
I know, it's not like helping someone ascend Everest
or providing scuba gear for the Great Barrier Reef,
but it's what I want to do with my life.
Wait. Uh…
Are you saying you don't want to work at the store anymore?
No, I… I don't.
I'm… I'm sorry, Dad.
Oh.
Thank God.
I love you, son, but you're terrible at selling sporting goods.
I know!
So...
You're… you're not mad at me?
Ah, of course not.
My son wants to make candles,
so go make candles.
Yeah.
You won't find my article in the bottom of that glass.
Jesus Christ, Lee. You're everywhere.
A beer, please.
No problem.
So, kiddo. That was one hell of an engagement toast.
Seriously, though, that train wreck was a little too much, even for me.
Are you all right?
Did you see the look on Josh's face? I'm the furthest thing from all right.
Hmm. When you found out you were getting catfished,
why didn't you just leave?
Because I owed you an article, and I didn't want to get fired.
I fired you four times. You just keep showing up.
Why did you really stay?
I… I… I don't know.
Okay. I mean, I just find it odd
because you usually run at the first sign of imperfection.
Josh is imperfect, but yet you decided to stay?
It doesn't really matter.
Honey, it's the only thing that matters.
I think I'm gonna head back up to my room.
- This article isn't gonna write itself. - Good idea.
Just because we're girlfriends now doesn't mean I won't fire you.
Webster's Dictionary defines love as…
To paraphrase my girl Celine Dion, "My heart, too, will go on."
What?
Half of you love a great Disaster Date story.
The other half, a storybook romance.
Now, the first half of you are going to be really, really happy.
Allow me to explain.
It all started with a swipe.
Tag Abbott, he may as well have been Zeus's son…
Josh Lin…
His family took me in. I have never felt worse in my entire life.
So, there you have it, folks. Another disaster for the record books.
But this time, I realized that in order to find true love,
I need to be honest about who I am too,
and maybe that's been the problem all along. I mean...
I've been so focused on other people's dishonesty
that I never really stopped to look at my own.
And maybe if I did, I'd finally see what's right in front of me,
and perhaps the ending to my story could be…
Um…
Who is it?
It's the Mormons.
For the last time, we're not converting!
So, what do we do now?
Kiss her, you idiot!
So, yeah. I thought I'd flown 3,000 miles to see how my story ended.
And instead, I found out how it begins.
- Come over. Yeah, yeah. - Okay, this is not mine. This is Josh.
Owen! Owen!
You two, time for presents!
I gotta warn you,
my family is pretty intense when it comes to Christmas presents.
You don't say.
'Cause that wires kinda goofy.
Hey, you two.
Quick question. What's a dick pic?
- Um… - Ew!
Grandma, why...
You want to take this one maybe?