1
00:01:07,602 --> 00:01:09,269
Oh! Cripes.
2
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:11,739
Sorry.
3
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:16,376
We have to circle round.
4
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:18,145
Approach the escalator
from the east.
5
00:01:18,278 --> 00:01:20,314
Remember what's at the top
of that escalator?
6
00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:23,952
Abercrombie.
Where they breed them.
7
00:01:24,117 --> 00:01:25,520
Okay...
8
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:28,656
We're gonna run
to the brick wall,
9
00:01:28,790 --> 00:01:30,223
and then we're gonna
get on the escalator.
10
00:01:30,357 --> 00:01:31,391
That's risky.
We'll be trapped.
11
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,393
Hey, dudes, dudes, um,
12
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:35,830
what's our position on online
matchmakers instead of the apps?
13
00:01:35,964 --> 00:01:37,665
-Get over here.
-Bitch, please.
14
00:01:37,799 --> 00:01:40,200
My mother wants to sign me up.
She's desperate.
15
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,736
Guys, can we please
talk about this
16
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,571
when no one is trying
to kill us?
17
00:01:43,705 --> 00:01:45,773
Dating algorithms
are basically meaningless.
18
00:01:45,907 --> 00:01:47,107
There was a 2012 paper
19
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,375
published by
Northwestern University
20
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,011
that basically eviscerates
21
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:52,513
-the very concept--
-Meta.
22
00:01:52,647 --> 00:01:55,382
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Are we ready?
23
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,752
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Great. Let's go.
24
00:02:34,022 --> 00:02:35,890
-Abort. Abort.
-Oh, bad choice, bad choice.
25
00:02:36,024 --> 00:02:37,625
Abort. Abort.
26
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:46,266
Take as many
as you can with you.
27
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,670
Gentlemen, it's been an honor.
28
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:51,271
Say hello to my little friend.
29
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,840
Oh, bugger.
30
00:02:54,876 --> 00:02:56,110
Ugh.
31
00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:03,885
Next time, we need more people.
32
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:06,154
That all you got, Dumbledork?
33
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:07,622
Come on.
34
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:09,157
Where are your Hobbitses now,
Gandalf?
35
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:10,958
Dan?
36
00:03:11,092 --> 00:03:12,760
Kip.
37
00:03:12,894 --> 00:03:14,095
-Hey.
-Hey.
38
00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,763
-How's it going?
-Oh, shit.
39
00:03:15,897 --> 00:03:18,365
Is that the same Dan
that ghosted you last week?
40
00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:19,967
It doesn't matter.
41
00:03:20,101 --> 00:03:21,602
Yes, it does. It's rude.
42
00:03:21,736 --> 00:03:23,470
Okay, okay, you're right.
I should have texted.
43
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:27,141
But get this, our second date,
she asks,
44
00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:28,543
"Outside of the Marvel Universe,
45
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,078
who could pick up
Thor's hammer?"
46
00:03:31,813 --> 00:03:33,147
I mean, come on.
47
00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:34,816
Next date you go on
with a guy,
48
00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:37,585
maybe keep that weirdness
tucked away a little bit better.
49
00:03:37,719 --> 00:03:40,253
-You know?
-Hey. You are dismissed.
50
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,692
Fine. Whatever.
51
00:03:46,060 --> 00:03:47,995
-Come on, Zoe.
-Data.
52
00:03:49,831 --> 00:03:51,032
What?
53
00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:52,232
Data from The Next Generation.
54
00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:53,901
He could lift Thor's hammer.
55
00:03:54,035 --> 00:03:57,071
Yes! Also, Ted Lasso,
but he'd do it by accident.
56
00:03:57,205 --> 00:03:58,305
Please.
57
00:03:58,438 --> 00:04:00,141
Two words: Superman.
58
00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:03,477
And Betty White.
59
00:04:04,311 --> 00:04:05,412
Neville Longbottom.
60
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:06,981
Ah.
61
00:04:08,950 --> 00:04:10,852
Not worth it.
62
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,455
I feel sort of bad
killing you now.
63
00:04:15,590 --> 00:04:17,424
Oh, no, that's okay.
64
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:19,359
Death sounds pretty good
right now.
65
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:20,962
All right then.
66
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,209
Yeah, buddy!
67
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:09,677
Thank you. Thank you.
68
00:05:09,811 --> 00:05:11,512
But the real thanks
goes to my family,
69
00:05:11,646 --> 00:05:13,413
who never, ever learned
how to knock.
70
00:05:13,548 --> 00:05:16,383
Hey, hey, do "Wonderwall."
71
00:05:17,151 --> 00:05:18,385
Oh.
72
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:19,987
Here.
73
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:22,190
Thanks, Mom.
74
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,391
-Sweetie.
-Okay, Mom...
75
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:27,161
You cannot keep doing
these all-nighters.
76
00:05:27,295 --> 00:05:28,596
I know, I know.
77
00:05:28,729 --> 00:05:31,398
But you should
have seen the numbers.
78
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,568
We doubled our users
in the last month.
79
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,636
Well, then it's time
to hire someone.
80
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,638
And it has to be from
outside the family this time,
81
00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:40,373
since Sarah's the only one
that doesn't work for you yet.
82
00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:42,310
Mom, I get it,
83
00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:44,212
and I will...
84
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,980
I'll think about it.
85
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:47,715
Okay, well, it's...
86
00:05:47,849 --> 00:05:51,052
It's not just you
I'm worried about.
87
00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:53,721
If you slip up,
88
00:05:53,855 --> 00:05:55,488
the entire company
is at risk.
89
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:57,058
I get it.
90
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,993
Okay. I'm going.
91
00:05:59,894 --> 00:06:01,295
Thank you for the coffee.
92
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:02,730
Sure.
93
00:06:09,604 --> 00:06:13,274
I got so tired
of swiping left, left, left.
94
00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:16,077
Those other apps
are all based on looks.
95
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,444
Jones.
96
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:20,014
I created for you a bride.
97
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,149
And we shall give it life!
98
00:06:22,283 --> 00:06:25,319
His sense of humor.
99
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:27,021
Her plans and dreams.
100
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,789
When you answer
the app questions,
101
00:06:28,923 --> 00:06:31,726
you really think about
who you are.
102
00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:34,762
Your soulmate is out there.
103
00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:38,699
I promise.
104
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,369
Hey, Jones.
105
00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:43,537
Your grape is out there.
106
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:51,045
I promise.
107
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:57,151
My soulmate, however,
apparently got lost.
108
00:06:57,285 --> 00:07:00,187
Although, if he really is
my soulmate,
109
00:07:00,321 --> 00:07:03,157
his watch would be synced
to the atomic clock.
110
00:07:05,126 --> 00:07:06,694
Bye, Jones.
111
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,680
At least you didn't
have to deal with dating apps,
112
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,715
where, I swear,
every third photo
113
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:30,751
is some guy posing
with a fish he just caught.
114
00:07:30,885 --> 00:07:33,220
"I'd like to believe
there was someone special
115
00:07:33,354 --> 00:07:34,454
in your life once.
116
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:36,557
And I'll find someone too.
117
00:07:36,691 --> 00:07:38,159
But maybe I'm just
old-fashioned
118
00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,528
and the world doesn't work
like that anymore."
119
00:07:42,196 --> 00:07:44,699
You're okay that I blog
about you sometimes?
120
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:46,901
You'd tell me, right?
121
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,005
Oh. Check this out.
122
00:07:52,106 --> 00:07:53,374
I made it for you.
123
00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:02,083
I got to get my bus.
124
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:03,718
See you.
125
00:08:12,193 --> 00:08:13,861
All I'm saying is,
126
00:08:13,995 --> 00:08:15,930
guys figure there's something
wrong with the other person,
127
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:18,799
While women assume there's
something wrong with us.
128
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:21,435
No, I pretty much always assume
that I'm the problem.
129
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,204
Yeah, well, in your case,
you'd be right.
130
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:24,638
Hey, you know
what'd be awkward?
131
00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,140
If one of these guys
132
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:27,508
reads about himself on
your blog.
133
00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:28,709
I have, like, three readers,
134
00:08:28,843 --> 00:08:30,177
and two of them are my mother.
135
00:08:30,311 --> 00:08:31,345
Dude, I read it.
136
00:08:31,479 --> 00:08:32,813
Don't read my blog, you creeper.
137
00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:35,649
Then don't put it
on the Internet.
138
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:39,587
Ugh, Marco alert.
Banking in, port side.
139
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,489
Marco's a douche.
140
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,691
I can't believe they hired him
instead of promoting you.
141
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:46,260
I can. They were never
gonna promote me.
142
00:08:46,394 --> 00:08:47,561
Why not?
143
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,196
Uh, women's intuition.
144
00:08:49,330 --> 00:08:52,099
Years of watching men like Marco
take credit for my work.
145
00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:54,301
-There's a word for that.
-Patriarchy?
146
00:08:54,435 --> 00:08:57,204
I was thinking "dick,"
but sure.
147
00:08:59,774 --> 00:09:01,742
-Interrupting?
-No. What's up?
148
00:09:01,876 --> 00:09:03,444
I need your help
with the Gemco presentation.
149
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:06,414
Oh, you want me to run through
the technical content?
150
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:07,615
No.
151
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:08,883
I've got all that covered.
152
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,185
Presentation itself is superb.
153
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,653
Are you sure?
154
00:09:12,787 --> 00:09:14,755
It's pretty advanced.
155
00:09:14,889 --> 00:09:16,424
I mean, the processing
requirements alone--
156
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:17,825
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
157
00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:19,226
Are you womansplaining this
to me?
158
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:21,429
-Uh...
-That's not very woke, Kip.
159
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:22,630
Am I right, guys?
160
00:09:27,468 --> 00:09:28,736
Look, I just need you
161
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,505
to fix a virus on my laptop.
162
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:32,339
Must have been infected
by a competitor
163
00:09:32,473 --> 00:09:33,641
trying to sabotage us.
164
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,242
But we can't fix it here,
165
00:09:35,376 --> 00:09:36,944
because I can't risk
contaminating the network.
166
00:09:37,078 --> 00:09:41,015
So I need you to fix it tonight
from home.
167
00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:44,885
I would do it myself,
but I've got a date.
168
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:46,320
Ooh!
169
00:09:46,454 --> 00:09:47,522
Okay?
170
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:48,856
Superb.
171
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:52,359
Well, I might have plans
tonight too.
172
00:09:56,430 --> 00:09:58,466
God, you're hilarious.
173
00:09:58,599 --> 00:09:59,667
Boop!
174
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,669
Yeah.
175
00:10:08,242 --> 00:10:09,777
Dickhead.
176
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,680
Stain.
177
00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:15,950
Such a cretin.
178
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,556
Hey.
179
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:24,391
Ready? Ready?
180
00:10:24,526 --> 00:10:26,694
You ready? You ready?
181
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,563
But seriously,
how are you still coding
182
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:30,431
all of I Promise by yourself?
183
00:10:30,565 --> 00:10:32,666
Well, it's easy, I just,
you know, survive on popcorn,
184
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,101
I sleep at my desk,
185
00:10:34,235 --> 00:10:35,703
and my application
for the monastery
186
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,404
just arrived in the mail,
so, hey!
187
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,174
Honestly, volunteering here
188
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,877
is the only time
I actually get outside.
189
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,112
Well, when you're hiring,
you know how to find me.
190
00:10:45,246 --> 00:10:46,313
Thank you.
191
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,216
Oh, I thanked you.
192
00:10:56,591 --> 00:11:00,961
I know a porn virus
when I see one, you sleaze.
193
00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:06,333
Uh... yup!
194
00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,202
Hmm. See?
195
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,671
I am superb, Jones.
196
00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:12,507
And how about I put
a little picture
197
00:11:12,641 --> 00:11:14,041
of your gross search history
198
00:11:14,175 --> 00:11:15,544
in the middle
of your presentation, Marco?
199
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,678
How superb would I be then?
200
00:11:24,919 --> 00:11:27,321
"I hope Mr. Lawn Chair Man
talks..."
201
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:28,889
Oh, that's nice.
202
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,025
"Come to church with us.
203
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:32,493
There's so many nice men"?
204
00:11:32,627 --> 00:11:34,361
God, Mom.
205
00:11:34,495 --> 00:11:36,730
"Is your poppy floppy?"
206
00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:38,933
Gross.
207
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,303
Hmm.
208
00:11:52,046 --> 00:11:54,848
Hmm. What do you think, Jones?
209
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:57,084
Yeah.
210
00:11:57,218 --> 00:11:58,986
That's a really bad idea.
211
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,422
No, no, no, no, no, no!
212
00:12:01,556 --> 00:12:02,990
Ugh.
213
00:12:05,259 --> 00:12:08,395
Huh. "Would you share your
toothbrush with your lover?"
214
00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:09,830
Uh...
215
00:12:09,964 --> 00:12:11,065
I know where his mouth has been.
216
00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:13,033
No.
217
00:12:14,268 --> 00:12:16,470
"Are you a good dancer?"
Seriously?
218
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:19,106
That's the second-most
important thing to catalog?
219
00:12:20,474 --> 00:12:22,611
"Have you ever had sex
in public..."
220
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,245
Who are these people, Jones?
221
00:12:24,378 --> 00:12:25,980
It's disgusting.
222
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:28,816
Hey, Jones, three no's.
It's like a drinking game.
223
00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:31,352
"Have you been to a bar
this week?" No.
224
00:12:31,485 --> 00:12:33,688
"Do you kill spiders
rather than carry them outside?"
225
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,389
Never.
226
00:12:35,523 --> 00:12:38,693
Number 14. "Your romantic
partner is bitten by a zombie."
227
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,028
Head shot immediately.
228
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,130
"Would you rather
vomit on your hero
229
00:12:43,264 --> 00:12:46,367
or have your hero
vomit on you?"
230
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,269
On me. On me.
231
00:12:48,402 --> 00:12:51,606
244: Nude beach.
232
00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:53,407
Sure.
233
00:12:53,541 --> 00:12:55,677
"Have you, uh...
234
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,011
ever...
235
00:12:57,144 --> 00:12:59,880
Have you ever
been skinny...
236
00:13:00,014 --> 00:13:01,782
skinny dipping?"
237
00:13:07,756 --> 00:13:09,156
Question 500:
238
00:13:09,290 --> 00:13:11,593
Who ended your last
relationship?
239
00:13:11,726 --> 00:13:12,960
Don't lie to me.
240
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,895
I hate you.
241
00:13:17,565 --> 00:13:18,733
Congratulations.
242
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:19,933
Your matches will be sent
243
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,036
within 24 hours.
244
00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:39,053
- What?
- Where the hell are you?
245
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,655
Rideshare's on the way.
246
00:13:40,789 --> 00:13:43,223
-Mom?
-Yeah, it's your mom.
247
00:13:43,357 --> 00:13:45,993
Marco's Gemco presentation
starts in 20--
248
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:50,164
Correction, 19 minutes,
and you have his laptop.
249
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,099
You're not his favorite person
right now.
250
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,868
He's sniffing around your desk
like a rabid skunk.
251
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:57,071
A driver's gonna be there
in one minute.
252
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,006
Get down there now.
253
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:02,610
Where is she?
254
00:14:02,744 --> 00:14:04,311
Yeah, yeah.
She's always late on Tuesdays.
255
00:14:04,445 --> 00:14:06,013
It's her day to babysit
during morning Mass.
256
00:14:09,784 --> 00:14:12,453
Bring it right over. I'll stall.
257
00:14:12,587 --> 00:14:14,888
Yeah. No problem.
258
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,918
Make a hole!
259
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:46,954
Oh!
260
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,605
You are in control. Right?
261
00:15:03,738 --> 00:15:05,774
You are a goddess.
262
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,542
He is nothing.
263
00:15:07,675 --> 00:15:12,413
He's a pimple on the butt
of a big baboon. Nothing.
264
00:15:17,719 --> 00:15:19,319
Now I'm not just saying this
265
00:15:19,453 --> 00:15:22,156
to blow smoke up your behinds,
266
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:24,391
but the new build truly is
one of a kind.
267
00:15:24,526 --> 00:15:27,027
So, once we incorporate
the new code,
268
00:15:27,161 --> 00:15:29,864
we will have the fastest product
on the market.
269
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,566
And with that processing speed,
270
00:15:31,699 --> 00:15:34,702
your ROI will be superb.
271
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:37,572
Get the lights.
272
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:46,748
He is so gonna write me up.
273
00:15:46,881 --> 00:15:49,116
No. You were terrific in there.
274
00:15:50,518 --> 00:15:52,887
Seriously, guys,
I don't know how to thank you.
275
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,421
You can start
by brushing your teeth.
276
00:15:54,556 --> 00:15:56,990
-Damn, girl.
-And you have keyboard scars.
277
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,761
Guys, really?
278
00:15:59,894 --> 00:16:01,696
She's also got her T-shirt on
back to front,
279
00:16:01,830 --> 00:16:03,598
but she's still the best.
280
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:12,439
Good night, Kip.
281
00:16:12,574 --> 00:16:14,107
Jeopardy!
Tournament of Champions?
282
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:16,210
Yup. And Shirley's making tacos.
283
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,111
Ugh, you're living the dream,
Meta.
284
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,013
I am. I am.
285
00:16:25,553 --> 00:16:26,621
Oh, hey, Marco.
286
00:16:26,754 --> 00:16:27,822
How'd the presentation go?
287
00:16:27,956 --> 00:16:29,156
Superb!
288
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:30,357
No thanks to you.
289
00:16:30,491 --> 00:16:32,025
Inside voice, Marco.
290
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,361
Inside voice.
291
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:36,598
Right.
292
00:16:38,432 --> 00:16:40,000
No thanks to you.
293
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,936
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
I'm superb.
294
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:43,538
Oh, really?
295
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:45,773
So your smut virus
just healed itself, did it?
296
00:16:45,907 --> 00:16:47,575
Great.
297
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,778
Oh.
298
00:16:53,648 --> 00:16:55,082
Hmm.
299
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,484
No.
300
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,724
Okay.
301
00:17:19,007 --> 00:17:20,575
A dog?
302
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:29,149
That's it right there.
303
00:17:29,283 --> 00:17:31,251
That's the moment
I had my epiphany.
304
00:17:31,385 --> 00:17:33,387
Every time I get ghosted,
305
00:17:33,521 --> 00:17:35,289
Meta says there's nothing
wrong with me.
306
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:37,224
But it's pretty hard
to maintain that position
307
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:39,126
when a whole-ass
matchmaking site
308
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:41,428
rejects you as unmatchable.
309
00:17:41,563 --> 00:17:43,598
There were always signs.
310
00:17:43,731 --> 00:17:45,600
I mean, I played with Barbies.
311
00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:48,101
I just accessorized
differently.
312
00:17:49,737 --> 00:17:51,539
Oh, my God.
313
00:17:51,673 --> 00:17:54,207
You're so weird.
314
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,476
I had a sweet 16,
like everyone else.
315
00:17:56,611 --> 00:17:57,679
Mostly.
316
00:17:57,812 --> 00:17:59,112
Thank you!
317
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:01,181
Who wants to play D&D?
318
00:18:01,315 --> 00:18:03,216
I know I'm not a real woman.
319
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:05,118
My shoes don't hurt.
320
00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:06,386
I like math.
321
00:18:06,521 --> 00:18:08,155
I couldn't flirt if I tried.
322
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,190
And for me, dressing up means
putting on mascara.
323
00:18:10,324 --> 00:18:14,261
Everything in my life
has told me that's not enough.
324
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,997
That I'm not enough.
325
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,833
But I guess I never really
believed it before.
326
00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:20,602
In their huge database,
327
00:18:20,735 --> 00:18:23,037
there wasn't one guy
who might like me?
328
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:24,739
Really? Not one?
329
00:18:24,872 --> 00:18:27,307
Statistically,
is that even possible?
330
00:18:27,441 --> 00:18:29,242
"Read this blog."
331
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:31,478
I don't know how to fix this
332
00:18:31,613 --> 00:18:33,781
without pretending
to be someone I'm not.
333
00:18:33,915 --> 00:18:36,149
Hmm. It's nice.
334
00:18:36,283 --> 00:18:39,053
I feel seen.
335
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:40,588
And look, I have a good job.
336
00:18:40,722 --> 00:18:42,857
A nice apartment.
I take my own trash out.
337
00:18:43,024 --> 00:18:44,491
I know how to use a plunger
338
00:18:44,626 --> 00:18:45,927
and a comprehensive
set of power tools.
339
00:18:46,060 --> 00:18:47,127
Hell, yeah, we do.
340
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,863
I don't need a man.
341
00:18:49,030 --> 00:18:50,798
It's just that maybe,
every now and then,
342
00:18:50,932 --> 00:18:53,133
I'd like to reach out
and find someone there.
343
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,603
Reaching back.
344
00:18:55,737 --> 00:18:58,238
I don't care what
the I Promise people say.
345
00:18:58,372 --> 00:18:59,607
There is someone
out there for me.
346
00:18:59,741 --> 00:19:01,909
For all of us unmatchables.
347
00:19:03,111 --> 00:19:04,679
I promise.
348
00:19:10,818 --> 00:19:12,252
Hey.
349
00:19:16,924 --> 00:19:18,026
And don't you forget it.
350
00:19:20,695 --> 00:19:23,363
Whoa, whoa. Quiet down.
351
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:28,836
Wrong brother, Bonus.
352
00:19:28,970 --> 00:19:31,539
All hair and grooming questions
go to David and me.
353
00:19:31,673 --> 00:19:33,141
Have I taught you nothing?
354
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,307
Dad told me
why you call me that.
355
00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:36,110
It's a term of endearment.
356
00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:38,646
Everyone loves a surprise.
357
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,282
And the parentals wonder why
you're still single.
358
00:19:42,416 --> 00:19:43,918
She's doing my nails later.
359
00:19:44,052 --> 00:19:47,155
Hmm. That's not all
we're doing later.
360
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:48,756
Hey!
361
00:19:51,159 --> 00:19:52,694
There we go.
362
00:19:57,665 --> 00:19:58,766
A blog?
363
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:00,400
Who still blogs anymore?
364
00:20:00,535 --> 00:20:02,369
Just read it.
365
00:20:04,138 --> 00:20:05,338
This is unreal.
366
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:06,874
My blog has, like,
20 comments.
367
00:20:07,008 --> 00:20:09,811
I usually have,
like, two.
368
00:20:09,944 --> 00:20:12,279
"Thanks, Kip,
for speaking for me."
369
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:14,916
"I could have written this."
370
00:20:15,049 --> 00:20:17,484
"I'm crying as I write this."
371
00:20:18,619 --> 00:20:20,688
Oh, wow. It's up to 32 now.
372
00:20:20,822 --> 00:20:22,255
Look.
373
00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:33,768
Ruh-roh.
374
00:21:25,385 --> 00:21:27,420
So you believe
375
00:21:27,555 --> 00:21:31,291
just because you couldn't
find Mittens all night...
376
00:21:31,424 --> 00:21:34,228
Yes, she was abducted
by aliens.
377
00:21:34,394 --> 00:21:36,531
And they brought her back.
378
00:21:37,497 --> 00:21:39,867
-In time for breakfast.
-Yeah.
379
00:21:40,001 --> 00:21:43,671
Yeah, so there I was
making bacon,
380
00:21:43,805 --> 00:21:46,406
and she just came trotting in
381
00:21:46,541 --> 00:21:49,243
like she hadn't been MIA
all night.
382
00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:50,711
She looks at me differently.
383
00:21:50,845 --> 00:21:52,880
There's something
in her eyes, she...
384
00:21:54,849 --> 00:21:56,617
I can't explain--
You know what?
385
00:21:56,751 --> 00:21:58,485
There's this thing on her butt
I want to show you...
386
00:21:58,619 --> 00:21:59,921
Oh, and we are done.
387
00:22:01,556 --> 00:22:04,125
Thank you so much
to this week's guests,
388
00:22:04,258 --> 00:22:06,961
Kevin and Mittens.
389
00:22:07,094 --> 00:22:08,696
Now, before I go,
390
00:22:08,830 --> 00:22:11,666
I appreciate
all of the comments
391
00:22:11,799 --> 00:22:14,334
about the I Promise sitch.
392
00:22:14,467 --> 00:22:16,704
If you're not following
the shenanigans
393
00:22:16,838 --> 00:22:21,108
of my soon-to-be-new-bestie
Kip Parsons, you should be.
394
00:22:21,242 --> 00:22:23,376
I'm gonna get her in here
to spill more tea with me,
395
00:22:23,544 --> 00:22:24,579
Annie Lee.
396
00:22:24,745 --> 00:22:26,346
Check back soon.
397
00:22:30,117 --> 00:22:33,287
Okay, you're getting tagged
in this over and over.
398
00:22:33,453 --> 00:22:34,655
This is huge.
399
00:22:34,789 --> 00:22:37,024
Then what are you still
doing here?
400
00:22:37,158 --> 00:22:40,094
-Call her, get her in here.
-Okay.
401
00:22:44,265 --> 00:22:46,133
Don't look at me like that.
402
00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:52,206
She's straight-up lying.
403
00:22:52,340 --> 00:22:53,774
No one gets rejected.
404
00:22:53,908 --> 00:22:55,710
I mean, I can't even find her
in the system.
405
00:22:55,843 --> 00:22:57,311
It doesn't matter.
406
00:22:57,444 --> 00:22:58,779
Hashtag "unmatchable"
is trending,
407
00:22:58,913 --> 00:23:01,481
and lying or not,
she has hit a nerve.
408
00:23:01,616 --> 00:23:04,785
Oh, this couldn't happen
at a worse time.
409
00:23:04,919 --> 00:23:06,687
We have to handle this
carefully.
410
00:23:06,821 --> 00:23:08,823
There's nothing
malicious in her blog.
411
00:23:08,956 --> 00:23:11,993
This just doesn't feel like
some massive corporate plot.
412
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:14,862
Dirk, call Frankie.
413
00:23:14,996 --> 00:23:16,864
Tell her we're gonna need
the office tomorrow.
414
00:23:16,998 --> 00:23:18,498
-Perfect.
-Whoa, whoa.
415
00:23:18,633 --> 00:23:19,967
You know,
just a radical idea here.
416
00:23:20,101 --> 00:23:22,236
Maybe we should just
invite her here
417
00:23:22,370 --> 00:23:25,506
and, um, tell her the truth.
418
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:27,241
No, no, no, no.
We need to impress her.
419
00:23:27,375 --> 00:23:28,876
You mean scare her.
420
00:23:29,010 --> 00:23:31,478
Riley, you hired us
to make the tough decisions.
421
00:23:31,612 --> 00:23:33,080
Now let us make them.
422
00:23:33,214 --> 00:23:36,050
Yes, is this Kip Parsons?
423
00:23:37,518 --> 00:23:39,020
This is Ivy Detamore,
424
00:23:39,153 --> 00:23:43,157
chief legal counsel
at I Promise.
425
00:23:43,291 --> 00:23:45,793
They want to meet to clear up
any "misunderstandings."
426
00:23:45,927 --> 00:23:47,628
So, you go down there
and you smack the shit
427
00:23:47,762 --> 00:23:48,996
out of their lying asses.
428
00:23:49,130 --> 00:23:50,831
I'm not good
with confrontation.
429
00:23:55,403 --> 00:23:56,804
You'll be fine.
430
00:23:56,938 --> 00:23:59,040
You're like Saint Joan
at the Siege of Orleans.
431
00:23:59,173 --> 00:24:01,776
You know, you're not just
fighting for yourself anymore.
432
00:24:01,909 --> 00:24:04,946
That's right, you're fighting
for all of us unmatchables, Kip.
433
00:24:09,449 --> 00:24:11,786
Hey, you're her.
434
00:24:11,919 --> 00:24:14,288
Hashtag "unmatchable."
I love it.
435
00:24:14,422 --> 00:24:18,491
Those ass-hats say they promise,
look at what they do.
436
00:24:18,626 --> 00:24:20,795
I literally cried
reading that.
437
00:24:20,928 --> 00:24:22,897
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
438
00:24:23,030 --> 00:24:24,265
Look at me.
439
00:24:24,398 --> 00:24:26,634
You don't see anybody
queuing up to date me?
440
00:24:27,467 --> 00:24:29,103
Oh, well...
441
00:24:29,236 --> 00:24:30,304
in the name of sisterhood,
442
00:24:30,438 --> 00:24:31,605
could you give me a pass?
443
00:24:31,739 --> 00:24:33,607
Get real.
444
00:24:35,676 --> 00:24:37,211
They killed Joan, didn't they?
445
00:24:37,345 --> 00:24:38,946
Burned her alive
at the stake?
446
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,682
Oh, God.
447
00:24:41,816 --> 00:24:43,918
Yeah, it's not
a perfect metaphor.
448
00:24:44,051 --> 00:24:46,554
We need more people.
449
00:24:52,259 --> 00:24:53,928
Have you seen the retweets?
450
00:24:54,061 --> 00:24:55,663
She's like the digital
Bachelorette.
451
00:24:55,796 --> 00:24:57,898
I've been promoting it
everywhere.
452
00:24:58,032 --> 00:24:59,367
We need to get her in here.
453
00:24:59,499 --> 00:25:00,801
I've left six messages.
454
00:25:00,935 --> 00:25:02,403
Well, call her again.
Be her friend.
455
00:25:02,536 --> 00:25:04,105
She sure sounds like
she needs one.
456
00:25:05,139 --> 00:25:06,240
Raina?
457
00:25:06,374 --> 00:25:08,009
This story could launch me.
458
00:25:08,142 --> 00:25:11,712
And wherever I go,
you'll be right there with me.
459
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:13,914
Now call her.
460
00:25:18,753 --> 00:25:20,855
Wait, your motto is "I promise,"
461
00:25:20,988 --> 00:25:23,591
and you told her
she was unmatchable?
462
00:25:23,724 --> 00:25:25,626
-It's Riley's fault.
-No, uh-uh.
463
00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,129
No, the code is perfect,
thank you.
464
00:25:28,262 --> 00:25:30,197
Well, you can end up
in the crapper on this one.
465
00:25:30,331 --> 00:25:32,166
She could sue you dry.
466
00:25:32,299 --> 00:25:34,101
She would have to prove
that she got rejected,
which she can't do.
467
00:25:34,235 --> 00:25:36,637
So without that,
the most she can do is,
468
00:25:36,771 --> 00:25:38,739
I don't know,
complain about us.
469
00:25:38,873 --> 00:25:42,076
Yeah, all over the Internet.
Which never dies.
470
00:25:43,811 --> 00:25:45,646
So why are you
bringing her here?
471
00:25:45,780 --> 00:25:47,581
To show her
we're the good guys.
472
00:25:47,715 --> 00:25:49,016
So in other words,
473
00:25:49,150 --> 00:25:50,718
you want her
to take the blog down.
474
00:25:50,851 --> 00:25:52,286
Pretty much exactly.
475
00:25:53,687 --> 00:25:54,822
You can leave that on, you know.
476
00:25:54,955 --> 00:25:56,123
Nah, our market research says
477
00:25:56,257 --> 00:25:57,691
that we're better
positioned
478
00:25:57,825 --> 00:25:59,593
if people think
I'm straight and single.
479
00:26:01,896 --> 00:26:03,330
We live in weird times.
480
00:26:05,499 --> 00:26:06,767
Well, it's go time.
481
00:26:06,901 --> 00:26:08,736
So, we get the call she's here.
482
00:26:08,869 --> 00:26:10,571
From the lobby to here,
483
00:26:10,704 --> 00:26:12,940
you charm her with your
"I'm a sun god" shtick.
484
00:26:13,074 --> 00:26:14,509
You take her down
to the broker room.
485
00:26:14,642 --> 00:26:17,278
Show her a couple of computers,
right?
486
00:26:17,411 --> 00:26:19,747
Ten minutes tops. She's out.
487
00:26:20,581 --> 00:26:21,682
All right, I'm gone.
488
00:26:21,816 --> 00:26:23,117
Careful she doesn't see you.
489
00:26:23,250 --> 00:26:24,985
Um, it doesn't matter,
remember?
490
00:26:25,119 --> 00:26:26,420
She doesn't know who I am.
491
00:26:26,555 --> 00:26:27,988
Still.
492
00:26:30,758 --> 00:26:31,926
Mr. Detamore
will be with you soon.
493
00:26:32,059 --> 00:26:33,928
Help yourself
to some water.
494
00:26:52,713 --> 00:26:55,883
Oh, hey. What are you?
495
00:27:03,023 --> 00:27:04,391
Huh.
496
00:27:08,829 --> 00:27:10,798
Puffer fish, huh?
497
00:27:13,501 --> 00:27:16,103
So is this your deflated state?
498
00:27:17,572 --> 00:27:19,006
You are so sweet.
499
00:27:20,174 --> 00:27:22,109
-Oh, I wouldn't do that...
-Ah!
500
00:27:24,745 --> 00:27:26,180
Oh, shit.
501
00:27:28,215 --> 00:27:29,551
Uh...
502
00:27:29,683 --> 00:27:31,285
-No!
-No!
503
00:27:31,418 --> 00:27:32,587
Should we grab him?
504
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,255
-Hell no.
-Whoa.
505
00:27:34,388 --> 00:27:36,390
-Are you gonna faint?
-No. Are you?
506
00:27:36,525 --> 00:27:38,492
I don't think so.
507
00:27:38,627 --> 00:27:40,060
No!
508
00:27:40,194 --> 00:27:41,862
-Okay, what do we do?
-Uh, move the couch.
509
00:27:41,996 --> 00:27:43,430
Okay.
510
00:27:51,906 --> 00:27:54,275
Okay. Shh.
511
00:28:02,383 --> 00:28:03,817
Go!
512
00:28:04,952 --> 00:28:06,954
Oh, no. Oh!
513
00:28:21,001 --> 00:28:23,804
-Ah! Oh, uh...
-No.
514
00:28:23,938 --> 00:28:25,406
That was amazing.
515
00:28:25,540 --> 00:28:27,308
-You have such good reactions.
-Oh, thank you.
516
00:28:27,441 --> 00:28:29,276
-I hunt zombies, so...
-Do you get medical with that?
517
00:28:29,410 --> 00:28:31,712
Absolutely.
We're a full union now.
518
00:28:35,249 --> 00:28:37,117
Um, Kip Parsons?
519
00:28:38,520 --> 00:28:39,621
There was a spider.
520
00:28:39,753 --> 00:28:40,854
It was sizable.
521
00:28:40,988 --> 00:28:42,256
I need a Band-Aid.
522
00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:43,757
Oh, of course.
523
00:28:43,891 --> 00:28:45,359
Right this way, please.
524
00:28:57,938 --> 00:28:59,473
Wow, huh?
525
00:29:01,075 --> 00:29:03,177
I mean, I know she almost
killed you, but...
526
00:29:04,044 --> 00:29:06,480
other than that... wow.
527
00:29:09,216 --> 00:29:11,085
So, this is my office.
528
00:29:11,218 --> 00:29:12,654
-Thanks for this.
-Oh, yeah.
529
00:29:12,786 --> 00:29:14,255
No, of course. Please.
530
00:29:14,388 --> 00:29:16,056
Uh, have a seat.
531
00:29:25,432 --> 00:29:26,934
Um...
532
00:29:28,435 --> 00:29:32,906
Look, I never expected
so many people to read my blog.
533
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:34,475
I'm as surprised as anyone.
534
00:29:35,843 --> 00:29:37,311
Well, you put it
on the Internet.
535
00:29:37,444 --> 00:29:38,879
I put a lot of things
on the Internet,
536
00:29:39,013 --> 00:29:40,814
but no one
ever reads them.
537
00:29:40,948 --> 00:29:43,017
I guess...
538
00:29:43,150 --> 00:29:45,620
I guess I was just angry.
539
00:29:45,754 --> 00:29:48,088
I mean, unmatchable?
540
00:29:48,222 --> 00:29:50,759
Here's the thing that's really
curious about that.
541
00:29:50,891 --> 00:29:52,993
I checked with Development,
542
00:29:53,127 --> 00:29:55,429
and they assure me
there's no code in the system
543
00:29:55,563 --> 00:29:57,231
that rejects people.
544
00:29:57,364 --> 00:30:01,135
So, are you sure
you used I Promise?
545
00:30:03,170 --> 00:30:06,173
Well, unless you have
a doppelganger.
546
00:30:06,307 --> 00:30:08,375
I'm pretty sure.
547
00:30:08,510 --> 00:30:12,514
Yeah, but if you got rejected,
why hasn't anyone else?
548
00:30:12,647 --> 00:30:14,081
Well, I don't know
about anybody else.
549
00:30:14,214 --> 00:30:15,849
I only know about me.
550
00:30:15,983 --> 00:30:17,184
And besides,
how would I know
551
00:30:17,318 --> 00:30:19,086
that no one else been rejected?
552
00:30:19,219 --> 00:30:20,888
Because you told me?
553
00:30:21,021 --> 00:30:22,423
And if your code's so great,
554
00:30:22,557 --> 00:30:26,093
then how come
you haven't found love yet?
555
00:30:27,595 --> 00:30:30,732
Look, I'm just trying to clear
up any misunderstandings
556
00:30:30,864 --> 00:30:32,266
-that we have.
-I understand.
557
00:30:32,399 --> 00:30:34,068
I just think you have
a credibility issue.
558
00:30:34,201 --> 00:30:37,004
Because I have no reason to lie
and, well, you guys...
559
00:30:40,007 --> 00:30:41,609
You do.
560
00:30:45,012 --> 00:30:46,447
How about that tour?
561
00:30:47,716 --> 00:30:48,882
Sure.
562
00:30:49,016 --> 00:30:50,685
Great.
563
00:30:50,819 --> 00:30:53,020
So, yeah,
so this is it.
564
00:30:56,023 --> 00:30:57,826
These are your programmers?
565
00:30:57,958 --> 00:30:59,627
Sure, yeah.
566
00:30:59,761 --> 00:31:00,928
Those guys? Them?
567
00:31:01,061 --> 00:31:03,931
Uh, yeah. That's them.
568
00:31:07,301 --> 00:31:08,969
Thank you for your time.
569
00:31:10,772 --> 00:31:12,239
I hope we've resolved
any old feelings.
570
00:31:12,373 --> 00:31:14,441
And so you'll take down
your blog?
571
00:31:20,247 --> 00:31:22,416
Hey, man.
That went well, huh?
572
00:31:24,952 --> 00:31:27,321
I have no idea
what just happened.
573
00:31:42,002 --> 00:31:45,339
They say Google performs
six billion searches a day,
574
00:31:45,472 --> 00:31:48,208
but it only took me four
to prove something.
575
00:31:48,342 --> 00:31:50,010
I Promise is a pack of liars.
576
00:31:50,144 --> 00:31:52,413
Score! Retweet that.
577
00:31:52,547 --> 00:31:54,047
Already on it.
578
00:31:54,181 --> 00:31:55,784
Ironic,
since they just accused me
579
00:31:55,916 --> 00:31:57,418
of lying about being rejected.
580
00:31:57,552 --> 00:31:59,386
But that's what liars do,
isn't it?
581
00:31:59,521 --> 00:32:00,988
Go get 'em, Kip.
582
00:32:01,121 --> 00:32:02,757
You know that slick building
in the commercials?
583
00:32:02,891 --> 00:32:06,861
That's home to a brokerage firm
called Kaplan-Meyers.
584
00:32:07,027 --> 00:32:08,429
Meyers, coincidentally,
585
00:32:08,563 --> 00:32:10,063
is the maiden name
of Dirk's mother.
586
00:32:10,197 --> 00:32:11,932
Aren't search engines cool?
587
00:32:14,001 --> 00:32:15,969
Hashtag "unmatchable."
588
00:32:16,103 --> 00:32:19,406
It's not their building.
They just use it to look cool.
589
00:32:19,541 --> 00:32:22,409
They're lying about everything,
and here's the fun part:
590
00:32:22,544 --> 00:32:25,713
they didn't even get to know me
before rejecting me.
591
00:32:25,847 --> 00:32:28,415
If they had, they wouldn't
have tried to pass off
592
00:32:28,550 --> 00:32:31,519
a bunch of brokers
as programmers.
593
00:32:31,653 --> 00:32:34,154
Ties and headsets
on programmers?
594
00:32:34,288 --> 00:32:35,723
Not in this world, pal.
595
00:32:35,857 --> 00:32:37,057
Represent, bruh.
596
00:32:37,191 --> 00:32:38,760
Oh, her.
597
00:32:38,893 --> 00:32:40,728
Oh.
- But the clincher
598
00:32:40,862 --> 00:32:42,597
was a glass statue.
599
00:32:42,730 --> 00:32:44,164
A huge honor, really.
600
00:32:45,232 --> 00:32:46,233
Employee of the Year.
601
00:32:46,366 --> 00:32:48,736
Lotus Corporation.
602
00:32:48,903 --> 00:32:50,437
Only problem is,
603
00:32:50,572 --> 00:32:52,774
as any self-respecting geek
could tell you,
604
00:32:52,907 --> 00:32:54,776
Lotus was bought by IBM in...
605
00:32:54,909 --> 00:32:56,109
1995.
606
00:32:56,243 --> 00:32:58,212
-'95.
-Duh.
607
00:32:58,345 --> 00:33:00,013
June 12, 1995, actually,
608
00:33:00,147 --> 00:33:02,951
for 3.5 billion
in a hostile take over.
609
00:33:03,083 --> 00:33:04,151
I believe it was a Monday.
610
00:33:04,284 --> 00:33:06,320
1995.
611
00:33:06,453 --> 00:33:09,256
"I doubt Dirk D. Detamore
was employee of the year at 8,
612
00:33:09,389 --> 00:33:11,492
as gifted as he may be.
613
00:33:11,626 --> 00:33:14,495
But that fourth search?
Yep, Francesca Meyers.
614
00:33:14,629 --> 00:33:17,932
Lotus Employee of the Year,
1992."
615
00:33:18,065 --> 00:33:20,467
Please make it stop.
616
00:33:20,602 --> 00:33:22,937
"So my question is,
do you trust your love life
617
00:33:23,070 --> 00:33:26,373
to someone who doesn't even
bother to get to know you?
618
00:33:26,508 --> 00:33:28,776
Me? I'll take my chances."
619
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:34,516
What?
620
00:33:35,617 --> 00:33:37,552
"And while we're speculating,
621
00:33:37,685 --> 00:33:39,754
I think Dirk is married.
622
00:33:39,888 --> 00:33:41,890
But why hide it?
623
00:33:42,022 --> 00:33:43,658
I'd rather know he found love
624
00:33:43,791 --> 00:33:47,060
than to see underdressed models
hanging on him in every ad."
625
00:33:47,194 --> 00:33:49,964
I told you.
She doesn't miss anything.
626
00:33:50,097 --> 00:33:52,000
She's worse than Mom.
627
00:33:52,132 --> 00:33:54,101
- Hush!
- And she finishes with,
628
00:33:54,234 --> 00:33:57,237
"P.S., against all laws
of probability,
629
00:33:57,371 --> 00:34:00,173
if the cute guy
in the waiting room is reading,
630
00:34:00,307 --> 00:34:03,678
I'd fish-wrangle again
with you anytime."
631
00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:07,214
Did she say "cute guy"?
632
00:34:07,347 --> 00:34:10,117
Ow! What the actual hell?
633
00:34:10,250 --> 00:34:11,553
I can't believe
you hit on the chick
634
00:34:11,686 --> 00:34:13,220
trying to ruin
our company.
635
00:34:13,353 --> 00:34:15,557
How was I supposed to know
who she was?
636
00:34:17,659 --> 00:34:19,359
Oh!
637
00:34:20,962 --> 00:34:23,531
Knock it off! Right now!
638
00:34:27,334 --> 00:34:29,537
What is wrong with you?
639
00:34:29,671 --> 00:34:32,941
We are going to lose everything
that we have worked so hard for,
640
00:34:33,073 --> 00:34:35,577
and all because this silly girl
641
00:34:35,710 --> 00:34:39,647
thinks she has to express
everything she feels.
642
00:34:39,781 --> 00:34:44,953
You know, maybe a little legal
action would calm her down, hmm?
643
00:34:45,085 --> 00:34:46,754
You mean, sue her? For what?
644
00:34:46,888 --> 00:34:47,989
Slander.
645
00:34:48,155 --> 00:34:49,189
Libel, actually.
646
00:34:49,323 --> 00:34:50,424
Oh, yeah.
647
00:34:50,558 --> 00:34:51,893
I always get those backwards.
648
00:34:52,026 --> 00:34:54,161
You got to be kidding me, right?
649
00:34:54,294 --> 00:34:57,532
The Internet
is the written word.
650
00:34:57,665 --> 00:34:59,266
You can't just say
whatever you want.
651
00:34:59,399 --> 00:35:02,704
Well, yeah, you kind of can.
652
00:35:02,837 --> 00:35:04,872
Okay, well, then you give us
another solution.
653
00:35:05,006 --> 00:35:09,877
Um, we bring her here
and we tell her the truth.
654
00:35:10,011 --> 00:35:11,846
Riley, no.
That's a terrible idea.
655
00:35:11,980 --> 00:35:13,681
Not when we're trying to expand.
656
00:35:13,815 --> 00:35:15,482
And we can't risk having her
write about it.
657
00:35:15,617 --> 00:35:17,417
We'll sound like
a mom-and-pop shop.
658
00:35:17,552 --> 00:35:19,787
But we are a mom-and-pop--
659
00:35:19,921 --> 00:35:21,321
This is a family business.
660
00:35:21,455 --> 00:35:25,292
And since I'm in charge,
no legal action.
661
00:35:29,564 --> 00:35:31,431
Where are you going?
662
00:35:31,566 --> 00:35:33,467
To improve my mental state.
663
00:35:33,601 --> 00:35:35,235
-Come on, Sarah.
-Okay.
664
00:35:38,806 --> 00:35:42,543
Hey, Jones, what do you think
about a dog?
665
00:35:45,947 --> 00:35:47,949
Yeah, me too.
666
00:35:48,082 --> 00:35:49,449
But maybe they're right.
667
00:35:49,584 --> 00:35:51,653
Maybe I should go look, hmm?
668
00:35:51,786 --> 00:35:53,655
Get rid of it!
669
00:35:53,788 --> 00:35:55,355
Get rid of it, get rid of it,
before he eats your hand.
670
00:35:55,489 --> 00:35:56,958
- Go get it!
- Nice one!
671
00:35:57,091 --> 00:35:59,459
-Fergus, come here.
-Why can't we adopt Fergus?
672
00:35:59,594 --> 00:36:01,529
-He's been here for, like, ever.
-You know why, stinker.
673
00:36:01,663 --> 00:36:04,098
What's Mom's one rule
about me taking you here?
674
00:36:04,231 --> 00:36:05,600
No stowaways.
675
00:36:05,733 --> 00:36:07,501
Exactly. Fergus, come here.
676
00:36:07,635 --> 00:36:09,604
- Come on. Come on.
- All right, ready?
677
00:36:09,737 --> 00:36:11,506
- Go get it.
- Nice one.
678
00:36:11,639 --> 00:36:13,340
Aw, good boy.
679
00:36:13,473 --> 00:36:15,877
So, like, why can't I throw
as far as you?
680
00:36:16,010 --> 00:36:18,646
Um, maybe it has something to do
with me being, like,
681
00:36:18,780 --> 00:36:20,748
super manly!
682
00:36:20,882 --> 00:36:23,450
Hi! Are you looking
to adopt a dog?
683
00:36:23,584 --> 00:36:26,688
-Because Fergus needs a home.
-Maybe. Yeah.
684
00:36:28,056 --> 00:36:29,791
-Hey.
-Hey.
685
00:36:29,924 --> 00:36:31,859
Do you remember, um...
686
00:36:33,393 --> 00:36:34,494
I'm not sure.
687
00:36:34,629 --> 00:36:36,597
Something about you seems...
688
00:36:36,731 --> 00:36:38,733
-Fishy?
-"Dolphin-ately."
689
00:36:43,203 --> 00:36:44,739
What does that mean?
690
00:36:48,576 --> 00:36:49,711
I have a hermit crab.
691
00:36:49,844 --> 00:36:51,145
-Cool.
-Yeah. Named Jones.
692
00:36:51,278 --> 00:36:52,814
He was my first pet.
693
00:36:52,947 --> 00:36:56,450
So a dog just feels like
this huge step
694
00:36:56,584 --> 00:36:57,785
up the commitment ladder.
695
00:36:57,919 --> 00:36:59,219
Yeah, I mean, well...
696
00:36:59,352 --> 00:37:00,955
Uh, I guess I work from home,
697
00:37:01,089 --> 00:37:02,590
so it's pretty easy.
698
00:37:02,724 --> 00:37:04,391
Oh, I wish
I could do that,
699
00:37:04,525 --> 00:37:05,960
but my boss,
he takes micromanagement
700
00:37:06,094 --> 00:37:07,762
to a whole new level.
701
00:37:07,895 --> 00:37:09,063
Oh, a nano-manager?
702
00:37:10,397 --> 00:37:11,666
A pico-manager.
703
00:37:11,799 --> 00:37:13,968
Hey, Riley, watch this.
704
00:37:14,102 --> 00:37:15,203
One, two, three.
705
00:37:17,205 --> 00:37:18,673
Oh, my gosh, that was amazing!
706
00:37:18,806 --> 00:37:20,742
She loves cartwheels.
707
00:37:20,875 --> 00:37:22,309
Mm.
708
00:37:24,946 --> 00:37:27,849
So are you, like,
a cool dad
709
00:37:27,982 --> 00:37:30,350
that lets his daughter call him
by his first name?
710
00:37:30,484 --> 00:37:32,452
What?
711
00:37:32,587 --> 00:37:34,789
No, no, no,
I'm like a...
712
00:37:34,922 --> 00:37:37,390
You know, a very cool
much older brother
713
00:37:37,525 --> 00:37:40,561
who is just happy
when his sister calls him
714
00:37:40,695 --> 00:37:42,930
by his actual name
instead of one of the thousands
715
00:37:43,064 --> 00:37:45,933
of kind of rude nicknames
that she has for me, so...
716
00:37:46,067 --> 00:37:47,135
Yeah, kids are brutal.
717
00:37:47,267 --> 00:37:48,703
Yeah.
718
00:37:52,372 --> 00:37:53,541
Hey, so...
719
00:37:53,674 --> 00:37:56,010
super awkward transition.
720
00:37:56,144 --> 00:37:59,279
Are you, uh, seeing anyone?
721
00:38:01,616 --> 00:38:02,917
Like an apparition?
722
00:38:03,050 --> 00:38:04,952
Or like a therapist?
723
00:38:05,086 --> 00:38:06,286
Or a boyfriend?
724
00:38:06,419 --> 00:38:08,089
Uh...
725
00:38:08,222 --> 00:38:09,791
Any. All.
726
00:38:09,924 --> 00:38:11,159
No.
727
00:38:11,291 --> 00:38:13,493
To all.
728
00:38:13,628 --> 00:38:14,962
Kind of a disappointment.
729
00:38:15,096 --> 00:38:16,664
If you saw ghosts,
that would be cool.
730
00:38:16,798 --> 00:38:18,766
So, uh, I don't know.
Maybe we could...
731
00:38:18,900 --> 00:38:19,967
We could, uh...
732
00:38:20,101 --> 00:38:22,136
Sometime, we could...
733
00:38:22,270 --> 00:38:23,905
-I don't know...
-Bus!
734
00:38:26,107 --> 00:38:27,642
Oh, uh, thanks.
735
00:38:29,043 --> 00:38:31,612
Please adopt Fergus next time.
736
00:38:31,746 --> 00:38:34,081
Yeah, I'll...
I'll think about it, okay?
737
00:38:34,215 --> 00:38:35,683
Um...
738
00:38:38,786 --> 00:38:40,021
Bye!
739
00:38:42,489 --> 00:38:44,525
Hey, what's wrong?
740
00:38:44,659 --> 00:38:47,028
I just-- I...
741
00:38:47,161 --> 00:38:48,896
I didn't get a chance
to ask her out.
742
00:38:50,198 --> 00:38:51,532
I know.
743
00:38:51,666 --> 00:38:54,135
It's because you have zero game.
744
00:38:54,268 --> 00:38:56,304
Now, you have to give it
back to her.
745
00:38:56,436 --> 00:38:58,039
Boom.
746
00:38:58,172 --> 00:38:59,406
Who are you?
747
00:38:59,540 --> 00:39:01,374
I'm your amazing sister.
Period.
748
00:39:10,551 --> 00:39:11,953
Do you know her socially?
749
00:39:12,086 --> 00:39:13,654
What? It wouldn't
be appropriate.
750
00:39:13,788 --> 00:39:15,590
You heard it here first, folks.
Channel 8 news.
751
00:39:15,723 --> 00:39:16,958
This is Janine,
signing--
752
00:39:17,091 --> 00:39:18,993
What are you
doing tonight, Janine?
753
00:39:19,126 --> 00:39:21,062
Cut.
754
00:39:24,298 --> 00:39:25,967
Hey.
755
00:39:26,100 --> 00:39:28,002
Did Marco finally get arrested
for felony-level assholery?
756
00:39:28,135 --> 00:39:29,737
Not this time.
They're here for you.
757
00:39:29,871 --> 00:39:32,273
-Oh.
-Side door, LB's waiting.
758
00:39:32,405 --> 00:39:34,542
Great, I lost my badge again.
759
00:39:35,442 --> 00:39:37,011
She's just late.
760
00:39:37,144 --> 00:39:39,513
She does soup kitchen stuff
in the mornings.
761
00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:41,048
As if!
762
00:39:41,182 --> 00:39:42,750
What a scrote.
763
00:39:42,884 --> 00:39:44,685
And do you know Miss Parsons?
764
00:39:44,819 --> 00:39:47,989
Oh, absolutely, I know her.
She's like...
765
00:39:49,357 --> 00:39:51,192
She's like my assistant.
766
00:39:51,325 --> 00:39:53,961
His assistant?
That's it, I'm killing him.
767
00:39:54,095 --> 00:39:55,796
Wait, wait, wait,
this is the best part.
768
00:39:55,930 --> 00:39:58,132
Do you know her socially?
769
00:39:58,299 --> 00:40:00,134
Of course not.
We work together.
770
00:40:00,268 --> 00:40:02,270
It wouldn't be appropriate.
771
00:40:02,402 --> 00:40:03,704
-Ugh.
-Right!
772
00:40:03,838 --> 00:40:05,106
Like he hasn't tried to bone
773
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:06,674
every girl in the office.
774
00:40:06,807 --> 00:40:08,609
Except, you know, you.
775
00:40:10,477 --> 00:40:11,812
-Yeah, it's taken.
-What, the whole thing?
776
00:40:11,946 --> 00:40:13,314
-Yeah.
-But there's a girl in there.
777
00:40:13,446 --> 00:40:14,515
Yeah, I know.
778
00:40:14,649 --> 00:40:16,150
Perhaps you should consider
779
00:40:16,284 --> 00:40:17,385
holding a press conference.
780
00:40:17,518 --> 00:40:19,452
No, no. Do a live AMA.
781
00:40:20,420 --> 00:40:21,856
-All right, I...
-What'd I say?
782
00:40:21,989 --> 00:40:24,091
-I have to go!
-Well, go to the fifth floor.
783
00:40:24,225 --> 00:40:25,526
The fifth floo--?
784
00:40:25,660 --> 00:40:26,961
I don't know
how to set up an AMA.
785
00:40:27,094 --> 00:40:29,030
I'll set it up.
Tomorrow, 9:00 a.m.
786
00:40:29,163 --> 00:40:30,631
In the conference room.
787
00:40:32,700 --> 00:40:35,603
-Sure.
-Okay, let's go.
788
00:40:35,736 --> 00:40:37,071
Oh, you're still here.
789
00:40:37,204 --> 00:40:38,539
- Thank God.
- You're safe now.
790
00:40:38,673 --> 00:40:39,774
I think we got most of them.
791
00:40:39,907 --> 00:40:41,542
Just watch your back.
792
00:41:07,668 --> 00:41:09,103
Good night.
793
00:41:11,539 --> 00:41:13,007
Okay.
794
00:41:22,683 --> 00:41:24,618
Riley?
795
00:41:24,752 --> 00:41:26,153
Kip. Hey.
796
00:41:26,287 --> 00:41:28,756
Um, hey, you left this
at the dog orphan--
797
00:41:28,889 --> 00:41:31,158
The, um, the shelter.
798
00:41:31,292 --> 00:41:32,426
Right. Thank you.
799
00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:34,595
Yeah.
800
00:41:37,031 --> 00:41:38,099
Oh.
801
00:41:38,232 --> 00:41:39,333
Was that your bus?
802
00:41:39,467 --> 00:41:41,402
-Yeah.
-Oh.
803
00:41:41,535 --> 00:41:42,737
Um...
804
00:41:42,870 --> 00:41:45,006
Are you doing anything?
805
00:41:45,139 --> 00:41:46,607
Like, right now?
806
00:41:47,675 --> 00:41:49,043
So, we're really leaning heavily
807
00:41:49,176 --> 00:41:50,745
into the fish thing, huh?
808
00:41:50,878 --> 00:41:52,880
It's the new VR aquarium.
809
00:41:53,014 --> 00:41:56,350
I thought it was topical.
Or tropical.
810
00:41:58,285 --> 00:42:02,823
Oh, well, we got, uh,
like two hours until they close.
811
00:42:02,957 --> 00:42:04,859
-So...
-That's a cool watch.
812
00:42:04,992 --> 00:42:07,094
It's synced to the atomic,
of course.
813
00:42:07,228 --> 00:42:09,263
It's binary? For real?
814
00:42:09,397 --> 00:42:11,732
Yeah, naturally.
815
00:42:14,468 --> 00:42:15,970
Sharks are so cool.
816
00:42:16,103 --> 00:42:17,838
They've been around
since the dinosaurs.
817
00:42:17,972 --> 00:42:19,740
Well, yeah, they
basically haven't had to evolve
818
00:42:19,874 --> 00:42:21,510
because they're, like,
perfect creatures.
819
00:42:21,642 --> 00:42:24,145
I know, even shark embryos
can sense danger approaching,
820
00:42:24,278 --> 00:42:25,613
and they stop moving.
821
00:42:25,746 --> 00:42:27,048
I actually
read this study
822
00:42:27,181 --> 00:42:28,616
where a scientist
followed a female shark
823
00:42:28,749 --> 00:42:29,984
for, like, 20 years.
824
00:42:30,117 --> 00:42:31,685
And they found
that they returned
825
00:42:31,819 --> 00:42:33,154
to where they were born...
826
00:42:33,287 --> 00:42:35,256
-To give birth.
-...to give birth, yeah.
827
00:42:36,724 --> 00:42:38,192
-I'm a geek.
-Same here.
828
00:42:38,325 --> 00:42:40,694
Yeah, I have, like,
all these totally random,
829
00:42:40,828 --> 00:42:42,329
useless facts floating around
in my head,
830
00:42:42,463 --> 00:42:44,265
and then half the time
I can't even remember
831
00:42:44,398 --> 00:42:46,200
it's my mom's birthday.
832
00:42:46,333 --> 00:42:48,302
But that's boring. I'm boring.
Tell me more about you.
833
00:42:48,436 --> 00:42:51,806
Oh, no, I'm significantly
more boring.
834
00:42:51,939 --> 00:42:53,741
Well, I don't
believe that at all.
835
00:42:53,874 --> 00:42:56,511
I mean, for starters, you...
836
00:42:56,644 --> 00:42:58,179
You wrangle fish.
837
00:42:58,312 --> 00:42:59,880
Oh, that's true. Yeah.
838
00:43:00,014 --> 00:43:01,882
It's a gift.
A calling, really.
839
00:43:02,016 --> 00:43:04,519
And, um, and you don't drive,
840
00:43:04,652 --> 00:43:06,187
so you're, like, what,
a greenie?
841
00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:08,622
Not really.
My car got stolen.
842
00:43:08,756 --> 00:43:10,024
Oh, my God.
843
00:43:10,157 --> 00:43:11,625
Do you think the police
are gonna find it?
844
00:43:11,759 --> 00:43:13,461
Probably not.
It's been two years.
845
00:43:13,594 --> 00:43:15,262
Oh.
846
00:43:15,396 --> 00:43:17,164
It's just a whole thing,
getting a new car.
847
00:43:17,298 --> 00:43:18,866
Well, I mean, it could be easy.
848
00:43:18,999 --> 00:43:20,468
I actually have a CarMax app
on my phone.
849
00:43:20,601 --> 00:43:22,002
We can get you one
right now.
850
00:43:22,136 --> 00:43:24,105
They have all different
colors of cars now.
851
00:43:24,238 --> 00:43:26,907
You can get blue ones
and red ones.
852
00:43:27,041 --> 00:43:29,143
-You could do like a pink car.
-Wow.
853
00:43:29,276 --> 00:43:30,478
-Wow.
-Yellow.
854
00:43:30,611 --> 00:43:31,946
Wow, you know a lot
of colors.
855
00:43:32,079 --> 00:43:33,848
Yeah, well, it's like
a hobby of mine.
856
00:43:33,981 --> 00:43:35,883
It's just memorizing
different color names.
857
00:43:36,016 --> 00:43:37,384
-I have a weird hobby.
-What's that?
858
00:43:37,519 --> 00:43:40,087
I make templates
for windup toys,
859
00:43:40,221 --> 00:43:42,591
and then I upload them
so people can print them
860
00:43:42,756 --> 00:43:44,658
from their 3D printers.
861
00:43:46,894 --> 00:43:48,863
That is so cool.
862
00:43:52,199 --> 00:43:54,001
Thanks.
863
00:43:56,270 --> 00:43:57,905
Oh, puffer fish.
864
00:43:58,038 --> 00:43:59,306
Oh. There he is.
865
00:43:59,440 --> 00:44:01,175
Fang's cousins.
866
00:44:01,308 --> 00:44:02,409
You know, because...
867
00:44:02,544 --> 00:44:03,711
Oh, that's--
868
00:44:03,844 --> 00:44:04,945
Oh, I see.
Yeah, no, that's--
869
00:44:05,079 --> 00:44:07,281
Well, we should maybe...
870
00:44:08,883 --> 00:44:10,918
- To commemorate.
- Okay.
871
00:44:11,051 --> 00:44:12,686
-To Fang.
-To Fang.
872
00:44:15,422 --> 00:44:17,158
Wow, this is a fancy car.
873
00:44:17,291 --> 00:44:18,560
Yeah, it's my brother's.
874
00:44:18,692 --> 00:44:20,194
It's a lot.
875
00:44:20,327 --> 00:44:22,196
-Okay, controversial question.
-Hmm?
876
00:44:22,329 --> 00:44:25,399
Episodes Four, Five, Six.
Luke or Han?
877
00:44:25,534 --> 00:44:26,867
Luke or Han what?
878
00:44:27,001 --> 00:44:28,669
Who's your dream
Star Wars guy?
879
00:44:28,802 --> 00:44:31,372
Sweet, earnest Luke,
or bad boy Han?
880
00:44:31,506 --> 00:44:33,307
Oh. Neither.
881
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:34,675
What?
882
00:44:34,808 --> 00:44:36,076
Neither Han nor Luke
883
00:44:36,210 --> 00:44:37,845
is the perfect man
in OG Star Wars.
884
00:44:37,978 --> 00:44:41,148
That title undeniably belongs
to Chewbacca.
885
00:44:41,282 --> 00:44:44,185
Don't laugh.
886
00:44:44,318 --> 00:44:46,320
Okay, wait, so...
887
00:44:46,453 --> 00:44:47,622
Sorry, big, hairy Chewie?
888
00:44:47,755 --> 00:44:50,925
Oh, my goodness, yes.
889
00:44:51,058 --> 00:44:53,227
You know, he's loyal.
890
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:54,629
Just turn up here.
891
00:44:54,762 --> 00:44:56,096
Oh, okay. So big, hairy, loyal.
892
00:44:56,230 --> 00:44:57,932
Which is why
you're looking for a dog.
893
00:44:58,065 --> 00:44:59,700
He's macho, but he's not afraid
to show his feelings.
894
00:44:59,833 --> 00:45:02,336
And he hates being away
from the people that he loves.
895
00:45:02,469 --> 00:45:04,271
Who just happen to be
of the male persuasion.
896
00:45:04,405 --> 00:45:06,240
- Which is fine...
- No way.
897
00:45:06,373 --> 00:45:08,643
-It's not a bad thing.
-Chewie? No.
898
00:45:08,776 --> 00:45:10,311
Chewie's totally straight.
899
00:45:10,444 --> 00:45:13,648
Uh, just turn up there,
and then it's another block up.
900
00:45:13,781 --> 00:45:15,783
And the best part
about Chewie?
901
00:45:15,916 --> 00:45:18,285
He wears nothing
except for that gun belt.
902
00:45:18,419 --> 00:45:20,454
Oh, a gun belt.
Now I know what I'm doing wrong.
903
00:45:20,589 --> 00:45:22,990
Mm-hmm.
904
00:45:23,123 --> 00:45:24,959
Who says you're doing
anything wrong?
905
00:45:26,961 --> 00:45:30,599
Oh, just, you know,
when I go on dates,
906
00:45:30,731 --> 00:45:34,368
uh, I just seem to always
do something wrong.
907
00:45:34,501 --> 00:45:36,538
Yeah. Me too.
908
00:45:36,671 --> 00:45:39,641
My last date, I asked the guy
who, outside the MCU,
909
00:45:39,773 --> 00:45:41,242
could hold Thor's hammer.
910
00:45:41,375 --> 00:45:43,077
Easy. Janet from The Good Place.
911
00:45:45,012 --> 00:45:46,313
Oh, uh...
912
00:45:46,447 --> 00:45:48,048
Oh, there she is. Miss Parsons!
913
00:45:48,182 --> 00:45:49,718
Actually, no,
Can you go around the back?
914
00:45:49,850 --> 00:45:50,918
You need to go around the back.
915
00:45:51,051 --> 00:45:52,286
What's going on?
916
00:45:52,419 --> 00:45:54,955
Miss Parsons! Got it.
917
00:46:00,995 --> 00:46:02,631
Is there something
you're not telling me?
918
00:46:02,763 --> 00:46:03,998
No! Uh, well, yes.
919
00:46:04,131 --> 00:46:05,966
It's just...
It's embarrassing.
920
00:46:08,435 --> 00:46:10,871
Look, it was just a bad day
involving my bad boss
921
00:46:11,005 --> 00:46:12,072
and his bad habits.
922
00:46:12,206 --> 00:46:13,974
I blended up some margaritas,
923
00:46:14,108 --> 00:46:17,111
and before I knew it,
I signed up for online dating.
924
00:46:17,244 --> 00:46:19,380
Not the apps.
Just that I Promise thing.
925
00:46:20,749 --> 00:46:23,050
So you signed up drunk?
926
00:46:23,183 --> 00:46:25,654
Yeah. But that's not
the embarrassing part.
927
00:46:25,786 --> 00:46:27,689
Oh, I mean...
928
00:46:27,821 --> 00:46:29,490
-Just...
-No.
929
00:46:31,392 --> 00:46:35,362
The embarrassing part
is that they rejected me.
930
00:46:36,864 --> 00:46:39,701
Yeah. There I was going lower
than I thought I'd ever go,
931
00:46:39,833 --> 00:46:43,505
and then they said
I was unmatchable, so...
932
00:46:43,638 --> 00:46:45,406
And I got pissed off,
so I wrote a blog about it.
933
00:46:45,540 --> 00:46:47,007
And I didn't expect
anybody to read it,
934
00:46:47,141 --> 00:46:48,510
and then it kind of took off,
935
00:46:48,643 --> 00:46:50,077
and now the company's
calling me a liar.
936
00:46:50,210 --> 00:46:52,946
It's just all gotten
really ugly.
937
00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:55,916
It was like they knew me
and they still thought I sucked.
938
00:46:59,019 --> 00:47:00,287
Well, I...
939
00:47:00,421 --> 00:47:01,855
Yeah.
940
00:47:02,691 --> 00:47:03,957
It's weird. It's fine.
941
00:47:04,091 --> 00:47:05,225
I'm gonna do
an AMA thing tomorrow.
942
00:47:05,359 --> 00:47:06,761
and I'm gonna get everybody
943
00:47:06,894 --> 00:47:08,228
to just stop talking
about it.
944
00:47:08,362 --> 00:47:09,963
I don't want
to talk about it anymore.
945
00:47:10,097 --> 00:47:12,634
You think I'm whacked.
946
00:47:14,335 --> 00:47:16,870
I think you're
a little whacked.
947
00:47:17,938 --> 00:47:19,373
And a little wonderful.
948
00:47:23,243 --> 00:47:26,046
You're really a nice guy,
you know that?
949
00:47:29,718 --> 00:47:31,885
Even if you think Chewie plays
for the home team.
950
00:47:34,855 --> 00:47:37,124
I had lot of fun
with you tonight.
951
00:47:37,257 --> 00:47:38,560
Me too.
952
00:47:47,836 --> 00:47:50,371
Crap. Uh, I got to go.
953
00:48:06,286 --> 00:48:07,522
Anything?
954
00:48:07,655 --> 00:48:09,524
I finally found her application,
955
00:48:09,657 --> 00:48:12,493
but I haven't found any record
that we actually replied to her.
956
00:48:12,627 --> 00:48:15,396
I've been through this
a hundred times.
957
00:48:15,530 --> 00:48:18,867
I thought we auto-checked
and sent replies to everyone.
958
00:48:18,999 --> 00:48:21,168
We did, and I'm telling you,
we...
959
00:48:21,301 --> 00:48:23,772
We have no record of sending
a response to her.
960
00:48:23,904 --> 00:48:25,507
A match report, nothing.
961
00:48:25,640 --> 00:48:27,609
Okay, but it's a computer,
right?
962
00:48:27,742 --> 00:48:29,176
So all the info is in there.
963
00:48:29,309 --> 00:48:31,145
It's just a matter
of pulling it out, right?
964
00:48:31,278 --> 00:48:33,080
Thank you, Steve Jobs.
965
00:48:33,213 --> 00:48:36,818
Riley, just tell us.
966
00:48:36,950 --> 00:48:39,319
Is it possible
she's telling the truth?
967
00:48:39,453 --> 00:48:40,454
No.
968
00:48:40,588 --> 00:48:44,893
No, I-I test everything,
every change.
969
00:48:45,025 --> 00:48:46,960
There is a very slim chance
970
00:48:47,094 --> 00:48:48,663
that she didn't receive
any response at all,
971
00:48:48,797 --> 00:48:51,932
but there is no code in here
to reject her or anyone.
972
00:48:52,065 --> 00:48:53,500
No way.
973
00:49:01,041 --> 00:49:02,142
Guess what?
974
00:49:02,276 --> 00:49:03,977
I'm doing an online talk thing
975
00:49:04,111 --> 00:49:05,747
Probably gonna tank,
but I bought a new shirt
976
00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:07,281
just in case.
977
00:49:07,414 --> 00:49:09,584
What do we think? Hmm?
978
00:49:09,717 --> 00:49:12,887
And I even put
some eye gunk on.
979
00:49:13,020 --> 00:49:14,823
Huh.
980
00:49:14,955 --> 00:49:17,892
But the big news
is I went on a date
981
00:49:18,025 --> 00:49:19,661
with the fish cowboy.
982
00:49:19,794 --> 00:49:22,196
I know. I know.
983
00:49:22,329 --> 00:49:24,632
I really like him.
984
00:49:24,766 --> 00:49:26,066
So...
985
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:28,001
All right, I gotta go.
986
00:49:28,135 --> 00:49:30,505
Wish me luck.
987
00:49:37,377 --> 00:49:38,713
Hey.
988
00:49:39,747 --> 00:49:41,749
Oh, no one showed?
989
00:49:41,883 --> 00:49:43,818
Yes.
990
00:49:43,952 --> 00:49:45,452
Nobody cares.
991
00:49:45,587 --> 00:49:47,020
As predicted.
992
00:49:49,056 --> 00:49:50,625
What? What's so funny?
993
00:49:51,391 --> 00:49:53,126
What don't I know?
994
00:49:53,260 --> 00:49:54,762
It's because LB
set up a waiting room.
995
00:49:54,896 --> 00:49:56,764
-They're all in there.
-How many people?
996
00:49:57,966 --> 00:49:59,266
Five... hundred.
997
00:49:59,399 --> 00:50:01,168
The maximum allowed.
998
00:50:01,301 --> 00:50:02,570
Filled up over an hour ago.
999
00:50:02,704 --> 00:50:04,606
No. Not doing it.
1000
00:50:04,739 --> 00:50:06,139
-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-I'm not doing it.
1001
00:50:06,273 --> 00:50:08,141
I don't want to do it.
1002
00:50:08,275 --> 00:50:09,577
That's too much.
I'm not doing it!
1003
00:50:09,711 --> 00:50:11,144
Breathe. You got this.
1004
00:50:11,278 --> 00:50:13,480
I don't know
what I'm gonna say.
1005
00:50:13,615 --> 00:50:16,083
-Didn't you prepare something?
-No, I didn't prepare something.
1006
00:50:16,216 --> 00:50:18,418
I didn't think that far ahead,
mentally.
1007
00:50:18,553 --> 00:50:20,153
What's that black shit
on your eyes, dude?
1008
00:50:20,287 --> 00:50:22,022
Shut up!
1009
00:50:22,155 --> 00:50:23,758
I can't do this alone.
1010
00:50:23,892 --> 00:50:26,528
Who says you're doing it alone?
1011
00:50:34,602 --> 00:50:36,036
Okay.
1012
00:50:36,905 --> 00:50:38,338
Okay.
1013
00:50:39,339 --> 00:50:41,408
-Let them in.
-All right.
1014
00:50:50,384 --> 00:50:51,819
I'm good.
1015
00:50:52,954 --> 00:50:54,254
She has a posse?
1016
00:50:54,388 --> 00:50:55,957
For a girl
who can't find a date,
1017
00:50:56,089 --> 00:50:57,692
she's got options.
1018
00:50:57,825 --> 00:50:59,459
They're her friends.
1019
00:50:59,594 --> 00:51:01,663
What? She told me about them.
1020
00:51:03,063 --> 00:51:04,231
Good morning.
1021
00:51:04,364 --> 00:51:06,701
Um, thank you for coming.
1022
00:51:11,305 --> 00:51:13,140
I'm sorry, I'm really nervous.
1023
00:51:13,273 --> 00:51:15,342
I didn't expect so many of you
to show up.
1024
00:51:15,475 --> 00:51:17,444
But, um, as my friends say,
1025
00:51:17,579 --> 00:51:19,346
when you put something
on the Internet,
1026
00:51:19,479 --> 00:51:22,382
you take your chances, right?
1027
00:51:22,517 --> 00:51:24,418
Um, I've had so many
wonderful messages
1028
00:51:24,552 --> 00:51:26,453
from so many of you.
1029
00:51:26,588 --> 00:51:30,257
Uh, I wish that I could just
match you all with one another.
1030
00:51:30,390 --> 00:51:33,427
But I came on here to say that,
thank you,
1031
00:51:33,561 --> 00:51:37,799
but I would like all of this
to stop now, okay?
1032
00:51:38,833 --> 00:51:40,001
Lots of hands up.
1033
00:51:40,133 --> 00:51:42,436
-What?
-Lots of hands up.
1034
00:51:42,570 --> 00:51:44,072
Oh. Oh.
1035
00:51:44,204 --> 00:51:47,575
Okay, uh, yeah. I'll take--
I'll take some questions.
1036
00:51:49,376 --> 00:51:51,879
Kip, Annie, from "Spill the Tea
with Annie Lee."
1037
00:51:52,013 --> 00:51:54,147
We would love to have you
on the show to interview.
1038
00:51:54,281 --> 00:51:56,216
No. Please stop asking.
1039
00:51:56,350 --> 00:51:59,621
It would be so good for your
blog's brand awareness, and--
1040
00:52:04,324 --> 00:52:05,827
Kip, what do you have to say
1041
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,662
to all the other unmatchables
out there?
1042
00:52:07,795 --> 00:52:10,632
Uh, I guess to ignore
labels like that.
1043
00:52:10,765 --> 00:52:13,233
But have you given up on love?
1044
00:52:15,435 --> 00:52:17,337
No, um, I haven't.
1045
00:52:17,471 --> 00:52:22,076
Actually, uh, I met
an amazing guy this week.
1046
00:52:22,242 --> 00:52:25,546
So maybe love can find anyone,
1047
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:28,382
even us unmatchables.
1048
00:52:29,651 --> 00:52:31,519
Kip, I love your blog.
1049
00:52:31,653 --> 00:52:33,955
I'm definitely
Team Unmatchable.
1050
00:52:34,088 --> 00:52:37,257
Can you tell us what I Promise
said in the rejection email?
1051
00:52:42,329 --> 00:52:46,768
You know what? I'd rather not
relive that particular moment.
1052
00:52:47,735 --> 00:52:49,070
Oh.
1053
00:52:49,202 --> 00:52:51,506
Kip, is online dating a scam?
1054
00:52:51,639 --> 00:52:54,108
Look, we are the online
generation, right?
1055
00:52:54,241 --> 00:52:57,411
We work, and shop, watch movies,
1056
00:52:57,545 --> 00:53:00,447
and express ourselves
creatively.
1057
00:53:00,581 --> 00:53:03,117
Some of us
maybe a bit too much.
1058
00:53:03,250 --> 00:53:06,921
Uh, so I think that you can
find love online,
1059
00:53:07,055 --> 00:53:09,957
I just think you might want
to use a different company
1060
00:53:10,091 --> 00:53:11,959
than I Promise.
1061
00:53:12,093 --> 00:53:13,995
Go.
1062
00:53:16,329 --> 00:53:18,700
Kip Parsons?
1063
00:53:18,833 --> 00:53:20,735
-You've been served.
-What?
1064
00:53:23,504 --> 00:53:25,106
It's a temporary
restraining order
1065
00:53:25,238 --> 00:53:28,643
barring you from discussing
I Promise or risk arrest.
1066
00:53:41,288 --> 00:53:43,290
What did you do?
1067
00:53:44,357 --> 00:53:45,793
Riley, you said it yourself.
1068
00:53:45,927 --> 00:53:47,360
Either she believes
she was rejected,
1069
00:53:47,494 --> 00:53:49,664
or else she's a master liar.
1070
00:53:49,797 --> 00:53:52,633
In either case,
she's a very troubled girl.
1071
00:53:52,767 --> 00:53:55,203
And this is how you thought
you'd help her?
1072
00:53:55,335 --> 00:53:57,071
After I explicitly
asked you not to?
1073
00:53:57,205 --> 00:54:00,373
She's gonna destroy our business
if we don't stop her.
1074
00:54:00,508 --> 00:54:02,977
Dad ran the numbers,
and it's not good.
1075
00:54:04,011 --> 00:54:05,345
Let me ask you something,
1076
00:54:05,479 --> 00:54:07,447
since we're talking about truth.
1077
00:54:07,582 --> 00:54:09,050
When was the last time we once,
1078
00:54:09,183 --> 00:54:13,353
just once told her the truth
about who we are?
1079
00:54:13,487 --> 00:54:14,689
About who I am?
1080
00:54:14,822 --> 00:54:16,524
Those were business
decisions.
1081
00:54:16,657 --> 00:54:18,526
Well, when did we become
that kind of business, Dad?
1082
00:54:23,164 --> 00:54:24,599
No, you know what?
1083
00:54:26,067 --> 00:54:27,367
I started this company
1084
00:54:27,501 --> 00:54:28,936
because I was so tired
1085
00:54:29,070 --> 00:54:31,404
of working for shitty,
sleazy people.
1086
00:54:31,539 --> 00:54:33,674
And now here I am,
working with more--
1087
00:54:33,808 --> 00:54:35,308
Riley.
1088
00:54:35,442 --> 00:54:37,011
You're fired.
You're all fired.
1089
00:54:37,145 --> 00:54:38,378
Hey, hey, Riley, come on.
1090
00:54:38,513 --> 00:54:41,115
No, I'm serious.
You're fired. Go.
1091
00:54:41,249 --> 00:54:42,349
I mean it. Go.
1092
00:54:42,482 --> 00:54:43,918
Leave.
1093
00:54:52,760 --> 00:54:54,327
- Hey, Law & Order girl.
- Hmm?
1094
00:54:54,461 --> 00:54:55,963
-Did you check your code in yet?
-Tomorrow.
1095
00:54:56,097 --> 00:54:58,199
I'm reading about
temporary restraining orders.
1096
00:54:58,331 --> 00:55:00,201
Is this your first?
1097
00:55:00,333 --> 00:55:01,969
Yes.
1098
00:55:03,403 --> 00:55:05,106
Are they really
gonna send me to jail?
1099
00:55:05,239 --> 00:55:08,109
Well, not if you avoid
saying "I Promise."
1100
00:55:08,242 --> 00:55:11,112
Which you could do by staying
in your cube and working.
1101
00:55:11,245 --> 00:55:13,681
Hey, dude, dude.
You got to get on Twitter.
1102
00:55:13,815 --> 00:55:16,416
If I wanted to listen to people
yell, I'd go visit my parents.
1103
00:55:16,551 --> 00:55:18,152
Look, look, look.
1104
00:55:18,286 --> 00:55:21,454
Some guy named Michael Rex
made a fan account for you.
1105
00:55:21,589 --> 00:55:24,258
Look, it has 92,000 followers
already.
1106
00:55:24,391 --> 00:55:25,927
Michael Rex?
1107
00:55:26,060 --> 00:55:29,197
Oh, I dated this guy in college
for, like, five minutes.
1108
00:55:29,329 --> 00:55:33,366
You better hope he doesn't have
any indiscreet pictures of you.
1109
00:55:33,500 --> 00:55:36,604
-Ooh, does he?
-No! Jeez.
1110
00:55:43,845 --> 00:55:45,378
Are any of those important?
1111
00:55:45,513 --> 00:55:47,682
No, it's just guys
asking me for dates.
1112
00:55:47,815 --> 00:55:49,349
And they all send pictures.
1113
00:55:49,482 --> 00:55:51,219
Any decent ones?
1114
00:55:51,351 --> 00:55:53,453
You tell me.
1115
00:55:53,588 --> 00:55:55,189
- Oh!
- The hell's wrong with you?
1116
00:55:55,323 --> 00:55:58,391
You cannot show us some dude's
tackle without warning.
1117
00:55:58,526 --> 00:56:01,062
Oh, really? That's the sound
of every woman on the Internet
1118
00:56:01,195 --> 00:56:02,763
rolling her eyes.
1119
00:56:02,897 --> 00:56:04,599
Seriously, Kip,
you gotta delete those.
1120
00:56:04,732 --> 00:56:07,335
You can't have pictures
like that on your work computer.
1121
00:56:07,467 --> 00:56:09,369
Oi, oi. Pictures like what?
1122
00:56:09,502 --> 00:56:10,571
Nothing.
1123
00:56:10,705 --> 00:56:12,073
Are they naughty ones?
1124
00:56:12,206 --> 00:56:13,941
Ugh.
1125
00:56:19,247 --> 00:56:20,681
Are your 15 minutes up yet?
1126
00:56:20,815 --> 00:56:22,583
Marco, I never intended--
1127
00:56:22,717 --> 00:56:25,620
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
1128
00:56:25,753 --> 00:56:27,555
You're not a victim.
1129
00:56:27,688 --> 00:56:28,923
You set this into motion,
1130
00:56:29,056 --> 00:56:31,058
and you kept it up
at every turn.
1131
00:56:31,192 --> 00:56:32,793
I don't know if you're doing it
to spite me,
1132
00:56:32,927 --> 00:56:34,195
or you just want attention.
1133
00:56:34,328 --> 00:56:35,395
I give up, Marco.
1134
00:56:35,529 --> 00:56:37,464
How is this possibly about you?
1135
00:56:37,598 --> 00:56:39,466
It is about me,
1136
00:56:39,600 --> 00:56:41,102
because we're releasing
tomorrow,
1137
00:56:41,235 --> 00:56:43,638
and you still haven't checked in
your code for the build.
1138
00:56:43,771 --> 00:56:45,539
And that, sweetheart,
1139
00:56:45,673 --> 00:56:49,710
has everything to do with me
and my department.
1140
00:56:52,713 --> 00:56:54,148
You're right.
1141
00:56:54,282 --> 00:56:56,817
I'm gonna work all night.
I'll get it done.
1142
00:57:48,936 --> 00:57:50,604
Hey. What are you doing here?
1143
00:57:50,738 --> 00:57:53,040
Oh, I am taking you to dinner?
1144
00:57:55,543 --> 00:57:57,411
Ugh, 404. I have a deadline.
1145
00:57:57,545 --> 00:57:59,046
Come on, it'll be fast.
1146
00:57:59,180 --> 00:58:02,283
We can go get sushi.
1147
00:58:02,416 --> 00:58:04,418
You're over-embracing
this fish theme a little bit.
1148
00:58:04,552 --> 00:58:06,354
Please come out with me.
I just...
1149
00:58:06,486 --> 00:58:07,588
I'd love to talk to you,
1150
00:58:07,722 --> 00:58:09,557
and I'll bring you right back.
1151
00:58:09,690 --> 00:58:13,027
We'll get takeout,
and then... yeah.
1152
00:58:15,563 --> 00:58:17,965
Okay.
1153
00:58:26,474 --> 00:58:27,708
Crap. You're married?
1154
00:58:27,842 --> 00:58:29,577
-No.
-Gay?
1155
00:58:29,710 --> 00:58:32,480
Ryan Reynolds confuses me,
but no.
1156
00:58:32,613 --> 00:58:34,648
Convicted felon?
1157
00:58:34,782 --> 00:58:36,617
Not convicted.
1158
00:58:39,186 --> 00:58:41,255
Oh, this is a friend-zoning
session, isn't it?
1159
00:58:41,389 --> 00:58:43,691
No. No, absolutely not.
1160
00:58:51,332 --> 00:58:53,567
Listen, just hear me out, okay?
1161
00:58:53,701 --> 00:58:55,202
Two years ago,
1162
00:58:55,336 --> 00:58:57,638
I quit my awful job
working with awful people
1163
00:58:57,772 --> 00:59:00,641
because I wanted
to start my own company.
1164
00:59:00,775 --> 00:59:02,943
And when I left my awful job,
1165
00:59:03,077 --> 00:59:04,845
I told myself
that from here on out,
1166
00:59:04,979 --> 00:59:06,515
I only wanted
to work with people
1167
00:59:06,647 --> 00:59:07,748
who were super talented,
1168
00:59:07,882 --> 00:59:10,618
but also ethical people,
right?
1169
00:59:10,751 --> 00:59:13,821
So I hired my mom and dad.
1170
00:59:13,954 --> 00:59:16,957
And I hired my brother
and his husband.
1171
00:59:18,192 --> 00:59:19,827
And it was great.
1172
00:59:22,163 --> 00:59:26,333
But then today, I-I realized
we've become a company
1173
00:59:26,467 --> 00:59:28,936
that I hate.
1174
00:59:31,305 --> 00:59:32,773
And, um...
1175
00:59:33,841 --> 00:59:35,643
I fired everyone.
1176
00:59:35,776 --> 00:59:37,711
Whoa.
1177
00:59:37,845 --> 00:59:39,580
And the reason I'm telling you
this is because...
1178
00:59:39,713 --> 00:59:41,348
Oh, my God.
1179
00:59:44,118 --> 00:59:45,820
Hold on one second.
I'm sorry.
1180
00:59:47,221 --> 00:59:49,356
Hey, look,
I don't want to talk about it.
1181
00:59:52,393 --> 00:59:53,828
Which hospital?
1182
00:59:54,662 --> 00:59:56,163
Okay, I'm on my way.
1183
00:59:56,297 --> 00:59:57,598
Is everything okay?
1184
00:59:57,731 --> 01:00:00,000
Um, no.
1185
01:00:07,975 --> 01:00:10,411
Um, you can take the car
to get home.
1186
01:00:10,545 --> 01:00:12,213
No, it's okay.
I take the bus all the time.
1187
01:00:12,346 --> 01:00:14,281
Don't worry about it.
Get in there.
1188
01:00:15,749 --> 01:00:17,885
Oh, Riley. Riley.
1189
01:00:23,324 --> 01:00:24,825
Riley?
1190
01:00:30,731 --> 01:00:32,166
Riley.
1191
01:00:34,435 --> 01:00:36,670
The good news is that
she didn't have a stroke.
1192
01:00:36,804 --> 01:00:38,839
-They're still running tests--
-Riley.
1193
01:00:38,973 --> 01:00:40,575
What the hell is she doing here?
1194
01:00:40,708 --> 01:00:42,810
-Dad, she doesn't know.
-Hey, you dropped your phone.
1195
01:00:42,943 --> 01:00:44,278
Thanks. Um...
1196
01:00:44,411 --> 01:00:45,479
I think you need to leave.
1197
01:00:45,614 --> 01:00:46,814
You know what? Don't worry.
1198
01:00:46,947 --> 01:00:48,916
I'll-I'll-I'll just, uh...
1199
01:00:49,049 --> 01:00:51,285
-I'll explain it to you later.
-Okay.
1200
01:00:51,418 --> 01:00:52,887
I'll...
1201
01:00:53,921 --> 01:00:55,489
-I'll call you soon.
-Sure.
1202
01:00:55,624 --> 01:00:57,358
What are you doing here?
1203
01:00:58,325 --> 01:01:00,127
How's Mom?
1204
01:01:01,295 --> 01:01:03,664
Mom?
1205
01:01:03,797 --> 01:01:05,833
- Kip, I can explain.
- Mom?
1206
01:01:07,201 --> 01:01:08,903
-Oh, no.
-Kip, no, let me explain.
1207
01:01:09,036 --> 01:01:10,671
-This is...
-Oh, I'm so stupid.
1208
01:01:10,804 --> 01:01:12,574
-No, no.
-I'm so stupid.
1209
01:01:12,706 --> 01:01:14,475
Kip!
1210
01:01:28,422 --> 01:01:30,391
Kip. Hi.
1211
01:01:30,525 --> 01:01:32,193
I'm Raina from...
1212
01:01:32,326 --> 01:01:33,794
Spilling the Tea with Annie Lee.
1213
01:01:33,928 --> 01:01:35,396
Yeah, yeah, I know.
1214
01:01:38,132 --> 01:01:40,134
Are you my stalker now?
1215
01:01:42,403 --> 01:01:44,371
Look, she's doing
a show tomorrow...
1216
01:01:45,339 --> 01:01:46,608
Actually, today.
1217
01:01:46,740 --> 01:01:48,375
...and she is desperate
to have you on.
1218
01:01:48,510 --> 01:01:50,512
I have a restraining order
against me right now,
1219
01:01:50,645 --> 01:01:53,480
which is a sentence I never
thought I would say in my life.
1220
01:01:53,615 --> 01:01:57,918
But the result is, I will not
be spilling any tea.
1221
01:01:58,052 --> 01:02:01,255
Okay, but you don't have
to mention I Promise.
1222
01:02:01,388 --> 01:02:05,560
Just... just talk about
the challenges of finding love
1223
01:02:05,694 --> 01:02:07,127
as a woman in this digital age.
1224
01:02:07,261 --> 01:02:08,796
Raina, I'm not good
at this stuff.
1225
01:02:08,929 --> 01:02:10,331
I get really wound up,
1226
01:02:10,464 --> 01:02:12,166
and then I just say things
I don't want to,
1227
01:02:12,299 --> 01:02:14,235
and I get into a situation
I don't want to be in.
1228
01:02:14,368 --> 01:02:17,238
Yeah, and that's why
people love you.
1229
01:02:19,106 --> 01:02:22,209
Kip, you speak
so many people's truths.
1230
01:02:22,343 --> 01:02:24,979
They're listening.
You should use your voice.
1231
01:02:25,112 --> 01:02:26,747
Are those Croc earrings?
1232
01:02:28,482 --> 01:02:29,817
Yeah. I love Crocs.
1233
01:02:29,950 --> 01:02:32,119
Don't tell my boss.
She would kill me.
1234
01:02:37,992 --> 01:02:39,226
Okay, I'll make a deal.
1235
01:02:39,360 --> 01:02:41,962
I have a friend.
His name is Sanjay.
1236
01:02:42,096 --> 01:02:45,299
He is a really sweet guy
with a good heart.
1237
01:02:45,432 --> 01:02:48,269
You go for a coffee with him,
I'll do your show.
1238
01:02:52,406 --> 01:02:54,341
-Just coffee?
-Just coffee.
1239
01:02:54,475 --> 01:02:56,343
And if I check
offender databases?
1240
01:02:56,477 --> 01:02:59,313
Oh, my God, no.
Not there. I swear.
1241
01:03:00,515 --> 01:03:02,249
Deal?
1242
01:03:06,521 --> 01:03:07,756
Okay. Yes.
1243
01:03:07,888 --> 01:03:10,090
-Yes. Deal.
-Great.
1244
01:03:10,224 --> 01:03:11,526
Go home.
1245
01:03:14,596 --> 01:03:17,064
-Hey, Kip?
-Yes?
1246
01:03:17,197 --> 01:03:20,401
What happened
to that nice guy you met?
1247
01:03:22,803 --> 01:03:24,305
Uh...
1248
01:03:28,309 --> 01:03:30,177
turned out he wasn't that nice.
1249
01:03:45,560 --> 01:03:47,027
Come on.
1250
01:03:48,262 --> 01:03:49,564
Come on.
1251
01:03:53,100 --> 01:03:54,435
You know, Jones,
in retrospect,
1252
01:03:54,569 --> 01:03:58,872
this has been the crappiest day
of my life.
1253
01:04:01,643 --> 01:04:04,411
But I know what you're thinking.
1254
01:04:04,546 --> 01:04:05,780
"Suck it up, Kipper,
1255
01:04:05,913 --> 01:04:08,182
and get me a grape."
1256
01:04:12,386 --> 01:04:13,621
Jones?
1257
01:04:16,558 --> 01:04:18,492
No, no, no, no, no.
1258
01:04:20,528 --> 01:04:21,596
No.
1259
01:04:22,930 --> 01:04:24,365
No.
1260
01:04:25,567 --> 01:04:27,134
Jones.
1261
01:04:57,665 --> 01:04:59,567
I can't believe you're not
going to fight this.
1262
01:04:59,701 --> 01:05:01,502
I missed the deadline.
1263
01:05:01,636 --> 01:05:02,970
We all miss deadlines.
1264
01:05:03,103 --> 01:05:04,539
There were naked guys
on my computer.
1265
01:05:04,672 --> 01:05:08,142
We all have naked guys
on our computers.
1266
01:05:08,275 --> 01:05:12,212
Look, my Internet presence
was becoming disruptive.
1267
01:05:12,346 --> 01:05:14,849
Come on, guys,
this was inevitable.
1268
01:05:14,982 --> 01:05:16,417
Marco read some management book
1269
01:05:16,551 --> 01:05:18,419
about getting rid
of the competition,
1270
01:05:18,553 --> 01:05:20,020
and I just gave him
a way to do it.
1271
01:05:20,154 --> 01:05:21,422
Because firing our favorite lead
1272
01:05:21,556 --> 01:05:24,091
is the best way
to rally the team.
1273
01:05:24,224 --> 01:05:26,927
Hey, Kip, you know,
I'm old enough
1274
01:05:27,060 --> 01:05:28,797
to have been there
for "fight the power"
1275
01:05:28,929 --> 01:05:30,998
and "stick it to the man."
1276
01:05:31,131 --> 01:05:32,801
Are you sure
about doing this show?
1277
01:05:32,933 --> 01:05:35,436
You know, you talk about
wanting this all to be over,
1278
01:05:35,570 --> 01:05:37,337
and then you turn around
and poke the bear again.
1279
01:05:37,471 --> 01:05:39,039
Well, Meta, I made a promise,
1280
01:05:39,173 --> 01:05:41,709
and there's nothing else
left to lose.
1281
01:05:41,843 --> 01:05:43,143
Look at me.
1282
01:05:43,277 --> 01:05:45,979
There's always more to lose.
1283
01:05:46,113 --> 01:05:48,482
Always.
1284
01:05:59,761 --> 01:06:02,229
Be nice to the replacement,
okay?
1285
01:06:05,165 --> 01:06:06,433
And clean your desk
from time to time,
1286
01:06:06,568 --> 01:06:09,203
-for everyone's sake.
-I will.
1287
01:06:11,305 --> 01:06:13,340
A woman named Raina
will text you.
1288
01:06:13,474 --> 01:06:17,244
Go out with her.
Please wear matching socks.
1289
01:06:22,684 --> 01:06:25,653
I'm gonna miss you most of all,
Scarecrow.
1290
01:06:27,321 --> 01:06:29,089
Ah, you'll be back.
You'll see.
1291
01:06:29,924 --> 01:06:32,192
So I'm just gonna say, uh,
1292
01:06:32,326 --> 01:06:34,328
"See you later, kiddo."
1293
01:06:57,017 --> 01:06:58,586
I got fired,
1294
01:06:58,720 --> 01:07:02,022
so I won't be able to see you
every morning anymore.
1295
01:07:05,192 --> 01:07:06,594
Okay then.
1296
01:07:08,095 --> 01:07:10,397
It's been really nice chatting
to you for all these years.
1297
01:07:10,532 --> 01:07:12,199
I mean,
I'm gonna come by when I can,
1298
01:07:12,332 --> 01:07:14,702
it just won't be every morning.
1299
01:07:22,944 --> 01:07:25,178
You know, right now would be
a really good time
1300
01:07:25,312 --> 01:07:27,447
for, like, a Yoda moment.
1301
01:07:27,582 --> 01:07:29,449
Or some advice?
1302
01:07:30,552 --> 01:07:31,786
Anything?
1303
01:07:36,624 --> 01:07:38,058
Cool.
1304
01:07:47,434 --> 01:07:50,270
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.
1305
01:07:50,404 --> 01:07:53,708
Now, I know you're upset
about me letting Kip go,
1306
01:07:53,841 --> 01:07:55,777
but I'm still your boss.
1307
01:07:58,078 --> 01:08:01,315
Giving me the Gandhi treatment
ain't a power move here.
1308
01:08:01,448 --> 01:08:03,551
I can fire you all.
1309
01:08:03,685 --> 01:08:06,286
You know, as soon as the next
release is out.
1310
01:08:06,420 --> 01:08:10,525
And, and, and you train
your replacements.
1311
01:08:13,761 --> 01:08:15,295
Guys?
1312
01:08:16,764 --> 01:08:18,098
Guys?
1313
01:08:18,231 --> 01:08:21,501
Guys, look,
this is just childish.
1314
01:08:27,474 --> 01:08:30,845
Well, uh,
it's good we had this talk.
1315
01:08:30,979 --> 01:08:33,715
So... yeah.
1316
01:08:33,848 --> 01:08:36,551
Yeah, get back to work.
1317
01:08:36,684 --> 01:08:38,251
And you too.
1318
01:08:43,625 --> 01:08:46,561
Is calling me Gandhi racist?
1319
01:08:46,694 --> 01:08:48,495
I like how he said
he let her go,
1320
01:08:48,630 --> 01:08:51,331
like she was trapped and
he released her into the wild.
1321
01:08:51,465 --> 01:08:54,569
You fired her,
you bearded fruit bat!
1322
01:08:54,702 --> 01:08:56,804
Hey, your car got
a big trunk, right?
1323
01:08:56,938 --> 01:08:58,506
Um, ahem, hello.
1324
01:08:58,640 --> 01:09:00,908
Uh, is-- Is Kip Parsons here?
1325
01:09:01,042 --> 01:09:04,244
Nope. Not since they fired her.
1326
01:09:05,046 --> 01:09:06,114
She got fired?
1327
01:09:06,246 --> 01:09:07,949
Who are you?
1328
01:09:08,082 --> 01:09:10,150
My name's Riley Detamore.
1329
01:09:10,283 --> 01:09:13,688
I'm... Well, I guess
I'm kind of a friend...
1330
01:09:16,256 --> 01:09:18,158
Uh, nice chicken.
1331
01:09:18,291 --> 01:09:21,361
That's Grimaldi QR model?
1332
01:09:27,367 --> 01:09:29,436
We love meeting couples
who have found love,
1333
01:09:29,570 --> 01:09:32,305
but remember, not everyone
gets a happy ending.
1334
01:09:32,439 --> 01:09:35,275
- Stop fidgeting.
- Our next guest...
1335
01:09:35,409 --> 01:09:36,678
You look beautiful.
1336
01:09:36,811 --> 01:09:38,146
I feel awkward.
1337
01:09:38,278 --> 01:09:39,547
Graceful.
1338
01:09:39,681 --> 01:09:40,748
Dorky.
1339
01:09:42,083 --> 01:09:43,918
-Like a gazelle.
-Hmm.
1340
01:09:44,052 --> 01:09:46,921
Just remember, you're live.
Watch what you're saying.
1341
01:09:47,055 --> 01:09:48,623
Got it.
1342
01:09:48,756 --> 01:09:52,093
Please welcome my special guest,
Kip Parsons.
1343
01:09:52,259 --> 01:09:54,762
Oh, wait. Any bats in the cave?
1344
01:09:56,463 --> 01:09:58,666
All clear.
1345
01:10:00,400 --> 01:10:04,138
Thanks to Wild Mountain Chai
for providing us
with our tea today.
1346
01:10:04,271 --> 01:10:07,075
You can taste the mountain air
in every sip.
1347
01:10:07,207 --> 01:10:09,577
Oh, and please don't forget
to subscribe.
1348
01:10:11,145 --> 01:10:12,580
Kip, it's lovely
1349
01:10:12,714 --> 01:10:14,615
to finally put a face
to your name.
1350
01:10:14,749 --> 01:10:16,751
-Many of us unmatchables...
-She almost looks like a...
1351
01:10:16,884 --> 01:10:18,152
...feel like we know you
already.
1352
01:10:18,285 --> 01:10:19,419
...like a girl.
1353
01:10:19,554 --> 01:10:20,755
How has this all been for you?
1354
01:10:20,888 --> 01:10:21,989
She looks beautiful.
1355
01:10:22,123 --> 01:10:23,256
Shut up.
1356
01:10:23,390 --> 01:10:24,959
- Guys, grow up.
- I bet.
1357
01:10:25,093 --> 01:10:27,494
You've gone from lowly
computer programmer
1358
01:10:27,628 --> 01:10:30,397
to woman's spokesperson
in a week.
1359
01:10:30,531 --> 01:10:32,365
Of course, as you know,
the dating service...
1360
01:10:32,499 --> 01:10:34,234
Which I cannot name.
1361
01:10:34,367 --> 01:10:36,436
...because they're taking
legal action against you...
1362
01:10:36,571 --> 01:10:39,107
Okay, you are ready to go,
but we have some things
to go over.
1363
01:10:40,775 --> 01:10:42,944
I'm sure you've heard
the rumors.
1364
01:10:44,078 --> 01:10:45,412
You can't actually prove
1365
01:10:45,546 --> 01:10:47,247
that the dating service
rejected you.
1366
01:10:47,380 --> 01:10:49,517
Uh, I could.
1367
01:10:49,650 --> 01:10:51,552
But why should I have to?
1368
01:10:51,686 --> 01:10:53,286
Well, see, you keep dodging
the question,
1369
01:10:53,420 --> 01:10:54,522
and that makes me question
1370
01:10:54,655 --> 01:10:55,990
whether it really happened,
1371
01:10:56,124 --> 01:11:00,561
or whether this
is a publicity stunt.
1372
01:11:01,428 --> 01:11:02,897
Publicity for what?
1373
01:11:03,030 --> 01:11:04,966
I'm-I'm...
1374
01:11:05,099 --> 01:11:06,466
I'm just a normal person.
1375
01:11:06,601 --> 01:11:08,002
I'm not trying
to sell anything.
1376
01:11:08,169 --> 01:11:10,004
But why would I Promise
come after you
1377
01:11:10,138 --> 01:11:11,973
unless they knew you couldn't
back up your claims?
1378
01:11:14,609 --> 01:11:16,677
You know why, Annie?
1379
01:11:16,811 --> 01:11:21,414
Big guys taking on the one
person telling the truth.
1380
01:11:21,549 --> 01:11:22,817
It happens every day,
1381
01:11:22,950 --> 01:11:24,685
and it's so easy
to hide behind lawyers,
1382
01:11:24,819 --> 01:11:26,921
and getting other people
to do your dirty work.
1383
01:11:27,054 --> 01:11:30,323
I'm standing here, alone,
talking about my experiences,
1384
01:11:30,457 --> 01:11:32,425
and I'm the one
going to court.
1385
01:11:32,560 --> 01:11:34,195
And she's off.
1386
01:11:34,327 --> 01:11:36,363
I mean, Dirk didn't serve me
those papers.
1387
01:11:36,496 --> 01:11:38,900
He knew where I was.
And his brother Riley,
1388
01:11:39,033 --> 01:11:40,333
he definitely knew.
1389
01:11:40,467 --> 01:11:41,969
But they were too afraid
1390
01:11:42,103 --> 01:11:43,738
to man up and face me.
1391
01:11:43,871 --> 01:11:45,807
You know what?
Just once, Annie, just once,
1392
01:11:45,940 --> 01:11:48,341
I would like to see someone
from that company say,
1393
01:11:48,475 --> 01:11:50,678
"Hey, we made a mistake.
We're sorry."
1394
01:11:50,812 --> 01:11:52,479
But they will never do that.
1395
01:11:52,613 --> 01:11:53,948
Because that's not
the kind of people they are,
1396
01:11:54,081 --> 01:11:56,217
and it's not the kind of company
I Promise is.
1397
01:11:57,552 --> 01:11:58,653
No. Stop!
1398
01:11:58,786 --> 01:12:00,555
Kip Parsons...
1399
01:12:02,355 --> 01:12:04,959
you're under arrest for
violating a restraining order.
1400
01:12:06,227 --> 01:12:07,962
Oh, no.
1401
01:12:08,095 --> 01:12:09,730
Did you know about this?
1402
01:12:11,299 --> 01:12:12,465
No, I...
1403
01:12:18,005 --> 01:12:19,207
I...
1404
01:12:19,339 --> 01:12:20,942
I don't know what to say.
1405
01:12:21,075 --> 01:12:22,475
I...
1406
01:12:22,610 --> 01:12:24,444
We're gonna end it here
for us today,
1407
01:12:24,579 --> 01:12:27,682
and I will report back once
I get to the bottom of this.
1408
01:12:27,815 --> 01:12:29,116
- Wait.
- I'm Annie Lee.
1409
01:12:29,250 --> 01:12:30,350
Aren't you supposed to explain
1410
01:12:30,483 --> 01:12:33,120
the discharge plan to me?
1411
01:12:34,522 --> 01:12:37,158
Figure it out yourself.
It's not that hard.
1412
01:12:37,291 --> 01:12:38,993
I promise.
1413
01:12:45,099 --> 01:12:46,701
Oh, my God, Annie.
1414
01:12:46,834 --> 01:12:48,803
Where did the cops come from?
I-I didn't let them in.
1415
01:12:48,936 --> 01:12:50,137
I'm so sorry.
1416
01:12:50,271 --> 01:12:52,006
They were in my back room
the whole time.
1417
01:12:54,374 --> 01:12:57,645
Wait, you set this all up?
1418
01:12:57,778 --> 01:12:59,580
I knew she wouldn't be able
to keep her mouth shut.
1419
01:12:59,714 --> 01:13:01,115
I was counting on it.
1420
01:13:01,249 --> 01:13:03,483
Now I'm gonna go watch
my view count go up.
1421
01:13:45,192 --> 01:13:46,928
Y'all have fun now.
1422
01:14:07,248 --> 01:14:08,883
- I need to talk to her.
- Yeah, well,
1423
01:14:09,016 --> 01:14:10,985
only a lawyer can get in
to talk to her now.
1424
01:14:14,055 --> 01:14:15,890
Maybe it's time
she got a lawyer.
1425
01:14:25,399 --> 01:14:27,335
Funeral home's two doors down.
1426
01:14:27,467 --> 01:14:30,470
Uh, we're actually
Kip Parsons' attorneys.
1427
01:14:38,679 --> 01:14:40,114
Firm?
1428
01:14:45,086 --> 01:14:47,254
Dorkus...
1429
01:14:47,388 --> 01:14:48,522
Knapsack...
1430
01:14:48,656 --> 01:14:49,924
Ruffles...
1431
01:14:50,057 --> 01:14:51,592
and Crocs.
1432
01:15:05,206 --> 01:15:06,540
That's good.
1433
01:15:06,674 --> 01:15:09,343
You know, I call my ex
"the appendix."
1434
01:15:09,477 --> 01:15:11,312
He caused me a lot of pain,
1435
01:15:11,445 --> 01:15:12,780
gave me a few scars,
1436
01:15:12,913 --> 01:15:14,281
but once he was gone,
1437
01:15:14,415 --> 01:15:15,950
I figured out
I didn't need him anyway.
1438
01:15:17,752 --> 01:15:19,220
Okay, okay, I have one.
1439
01:15:19,353 --> 01:15:22,490
Chewbacca: straight or gay?
1440
01:15:22,623 --> 01:15:23,858
Straight.
1441
01:15:23,991 --> 01:15:25,359
-Yes.
-Oh, man!
1442
01:15:25,493 --> 01:15:27,028
And that gun belt?
1443
01:15:27,161 --> 01:15:28,696
- Come on, now.
- Damn.
1444
01:15:28,829 --> 01:15:30,531
That's what I said!
1445
01:15:30,664 --> 01:15:32,466
Kip Parsons?
1446
01:15:32,600 --> 01:15:34,168
-Yeah?
-Your lawyer's here.
1447
01:15:35,436 --> 01:15:36,504
What? I don't have a lawyer.
1448
01:15:36,637 --> 01:15:39,607
Well, now you got a whole firm.
1449
01:15:39,740 --> 01:15:42,643
Oh, my God, guys!
1450
01:15:42,777 --> 01:15:44,545
This has been crazy.
1451
01:15:44,678 --> 01:15:46,647
So, what's the plan?
1452
01:15:54,588 --> 01:15:56,924
-Meta...
-It's gonna be okay.
1453
01:15:58,192 --> 01:15:59,427
We'll, uh...
1454
01:15:59,593 --> 01:16:01,228
We'll wait outside.
1455
01:16:04,198 --> 01:16:05,499
Kip, we gotta get you
out of here.
1456
01:16:05,633 --> 01:16:06,700
Well, you put me in here.
1457
01:16:06,834 --> 01:16:08,069
No, it...
1458
01:16:08,202 --> 01:16:09,603
It was my parents.
It wasn't me.
1459
01:16:09,737 --> 01:16:11,540
And that's because
they were scared
1460
01:16:11,672 --> 01:16:12,740
and they didn't know you.
1461
01:16:12,873 --> 01:16:14,543
Oh, okay. And you do?
1462
01:16:14,675 --> 01:16:16,977
You're just like me.
1463
01:16:19,947 --> 01:16:21,782
-Kip, you got to believe me.
-Why?
1464
01:16:21,916 --> 01:16:24,785
Riley, you lied to me.
Over and over.
1465
01:16:24,919 --> 01:16:26,587
What I told you was true.
1466
01:16:26,720 --> 01:16:30,758
Okay, I used to work for this
super sleazy dating app company,
1467
01:16:30,891 --> 01:16:32,460
and I left to start my own
1468
01:16:32,626 --> 01:16:34,361
because I wanted to build
something with integrity.
1469
01:16:34,495 --> 01:16:37,798
So I coded everything,
you know, from the ground up.
1470
01:16:37,932 --> 01:16:40,634
And that's how I know
that you didn't get rejected.
1471
01:16:40,768 --> 01:16:42,236
And it's okay
that you made that up.
1472
01:16:42,369 --> 01:16:43,804
I didn't make it up!
1473
01:16:45,005 --> 01:16:46,874
I didn't make it up.
1474
01:16:47,842 --> 01:16:48,976
And if you think I made it up,
1475
01:16:49,110 --> 01:16:52,680
then you don't know me at all.
1476
01:16:54,982 --> 01:16:57,218
-Kip, I--
-I should have gotten the dog.
1477
01:16:58,786 --> 01:17:00,888
He would have been
more trustworthy.
1478
01:17:06,093 --> 01:17:07,428
Uh, there's been a mistake.
1479
01:17:07,562 --> 01:17:09,830
They're not on my side, so...
1480
01:17:15,302 --> 01:17:16,871
You fired them all?
1481
01:17:17,004 --> 01:17:20,174
I fired them all.
1482
01:17:20,307 --> 01:17:21,942
You think they'll be
at the hearing tomorrow?
1483
01:17:22,076 --> 01:17:23,677
Yeah. Probably. Oh, hey.
1484
01:17:23,811 --> 01:17:26,013
Oh, all right. Have fun.
1485
01:17:26,147 --> 01:17:27,616
You should have gotten
a smaller dog.
1486
01:17:27,748 --> 01:17:29,283
Yeah.
1487
01:17:30,818 --> 01:17:32,186
Remember when that used to be
1488
01:17:32,319 --> 01:17:34,054
your standard
placeholder error message?
1489
01:17:34,822 --> 01:17:36,591
Stack overflow.
1490
01:17:36,724 --> 01:17:38,159
Get a dog.
1491
01:17:39,360 --> 01:17:41,162
Null pointer exception?
1492
01:17:41,295 --> 01:17:42,396
"Get a dog."
1493
01:17:44,633 --> 01:17:46,300
Holy shit balls.
1494
01:17:46,433 --> 01:17:47,902
What?
1495
01:17:48,035 --> 01:17:50,070
Come on, I need your help.
1496
01:17:51,839 --> 01:17:53,407
Excuse me.
1497
01:17:58,679 --> 01:18:00,714
All rise.
1498
01:18:05,986 --> 01:18:09,290
The Honorable Judge Wilks
presiding.
1499
01:18:13,528 --> 01:18:14,962
Be seated.
1500
01:18:18,533 --> 01:18:20,034
Well, I've got to be honest.
1501
01:18:20,167 --> 01:18:22,036
You know, I've been sitting
up here a long time,
1502
01:18:22,169 --> 01:18:26,240
and I don't believe I have ever
been quite this popular before.
1503
01:18:27,841 --> 01:18:29,810
Sir?
1504
01:18:29,944 --> 01:18:31,712
You ordering a pizza, sir?
1505
01:18:33,414 --> 01:18:36,417
I'll call you back.
1506
01:18:36,551 --> 01:18:39,053
Your Honor, we would like
to respectfully...
1507
01:18:39,186 --> 01:18:42,524
Settle down.
I know why we're here.
1508
01:18:42,657 --> 01:18:46,227
I read every little piece
of paper that you gave me.
1509
01:18:47,728 --> 01:18:49,830
Miss Parsons?
1510
01:18:50,665 --> 01:18:51,799
Yes, sir?
1511
01:18:51,932 --> 01:18:53,767
Sit down, please.
1512
01:18:55,269 --> 01:18:57,606
I'm thinking I should probably
explain how this all works,
1513
01:18:57,738 --> 01:18:59,974
as it appears that your counsel
1514
01:19:00,107 --> 01:19:01,809
may not be the finest
this city has to offer.
1515
01:19:03,678 --> 01:19:05,547
Temporary restraining orders
1516
01:19:05,680 --> 01:19:07,081
are issued ex parte,
1517
01:19:07,214 --> 01:19:09,216
which basically means
anyone can get one.
1518
01:19:09,350 --> 01:19:12,920
As for the other party--
You, in this case.
1519
01:19:13,053 --> 01:19:15,089
--doesn't have much of a say.
1520
01:19:15,222 --> 01:19:17,324
But today is your chance
to convince me
1521
01:19:17,458 --> 01:19:21,529
that this restraining order
shouldn't be made permanent.
1522
01:19:21,663 --> 01:19:24,398
Whereas the folks over there
are gonna try to convince me
1523
01:19:24,532 --> 01:19:26,367
that they should.
1524
01:19:26,500 --> 01:19:28,969
Now I've read
all they had to say.
1525
01:19:30,504 --> 01:19:33,173
It sure sounds like
you've been mouthing off a bit.
1526
01:19:34,208 --> 01:19:35,276
Yeah.
1527
01:19:35,409 --> 01:19:36,810
I do that now.
1528
01:19:36,944 --> 01:19:38,747
I used to be nicer.
1529
01:19:38,879 --> 01:19:40,414
Sorry.
1530
01:19:40,548 --> 01:19:44,084
Well, why don't you
just scoot yourself up here
1531
01:19:44,218 --> 01:19:46,453
and tell me all about it?
1532
01:19:47,622 --> 01:19:49,056
Okay.
1533
01:20:01,201 --> 01:20:03,003
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,
1534
01:20:03,137 --> 01:20:04,972
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
1535
01:20:05,105 --> 01:20:07,074
-I do.
-Be seated.
1536
01:20:12,346 --> 01:20:15,382
Miss Parsons, you signed up
with an online matchmaker.
1537
01:20:15,517 --> 01:20:17,719
Yes, sir.
1538
01:20:17,851 --> 01:20:20,755
And in their advertising,
this dating service implied
1539
01:20:20,888 --> 01:20:23,223
they can find at least one man
to go to dinner with you.
1540
01:20:23,357 --> 01:20:25,225
-Correct?
-Well, they did more than imply.
1541
01:20:25,359 --> 01:20:28,797
Their company name
is literally "I Promise,"
1542
01:20:28,929 --> 01:20:31,865
and their slogan is...
1543
01:20:32,900 --> 01:20:35,169
Yes, sorry, sir.
1544
01:20:35,302 --> 01:20:39,206
Well, I think we all
agree so far.
1545
01:20:39,340 --> 01:20:43,812
But here's where
our paths diverge.
1546
01:20:43,944 --> 01:20:45,547
You say they rejected you.
1547
01:20:45,680 --> 01:20:47,615
But you have no proof.
1548
01:20:47,749 --> 01:20:49,818
And yet, you're still
talking about it,
1549
01:20:49,950 --> 01:20:52,353
despite the restraining order.
1550
01:20:52,486 --> 01:20:55,557
How was your night
in our fine facility?
1551
01:20:55,690 --> 01:20:57,592
Not my best, Your Honor.
1552
01:20:57,726 --> 01:20:59,761
Your Honor,
we did not ask the police
1553
01:20:59,927 --> 01:21:01,995
to arrest Miss Parsons,
1554
01:21:02,129 --> 01:21:04,264
and regret that she had to spend
the night in jail.
1555
01:21:04,398 --> 01:21:06,066
It's hard to imagine
1556
01:21:06,200 --> 01:21:07,968
who else would have
a vested interest
1557
01:21:08,102 --> 01:21:10,504
in seeing Miss Parsons
go through that ordeal.
1558
01:21:13,107 --> 01:21:15,610
I know who.
1559
01:21:15,744 --> 01:21:17,010
Sit your ass down.
1560
01:21:17,144 --> 01:21:18,847
And what is your name,
young lady?
1561
01:21:18,979 --> 01:21:21,181
Raina Suryanarayama.
1562
01:21:34,796 --> 01:21:37,766
And your role in this
twisted little drama is?
1563
01:21:37,898 --> 01:21:41,268
Well, I was Annie Lee's
assistant...
1564
01:21:41,402 --> 01:21:43,605
until yesterday,
when I quit.
1565
01:21:45,205 --> 01:21:47,241
She was the one who had
the police on standby
1566
01:21:47,374 --> 01:21:50,745
because she wanted Kip
to be arrested live.
1567
01:21:50,879 --> 01:21:52,913
And which one of you is Annie?
1568
01:21:56,316 --> 01:21:59,554
It's all about the followers,
sir.
1569
01:22:01,422 --> 01:22:05,359
Bailiff, please escort Miss Lee
from my courtroom.
1570
01:22:05,492 --> 01:22:06,761
On what grounds?
1571
01:22:06,895 --> 01:22:08,863
Well on the grounds
that just you piss me off.
1572
01:22:12,099 --> 01:22:14,001
Bye-bye now.
1573
01:22:36,490 --> 01:22:39,828
Miss Parsons, if we knew
what the message said,
1574
01:22:39,993 --> 01:22:42,597
then the folks at I Promise
say they would be happy to prove
1575
01:22:42,730 --> 01:22:44,766
that there's no rejection
message like that
1576
01:22:44,899 --> 01:22:46,400
in the system.
1577
01:22:46,534 --> 01:22:48,368
But since you can't tell me
what the message said...
1578
01:22:48,502 --> 01:22:52,473
I can tell you exactly
what the message said.
1579
01:22:52,607 --> 01:22:53,974
I thought you said
you deleted it.
1580
01:22:54,107 --> 01:22:55,175
I'll remember that message
1581
01:22:55,309 --> 01:22:56,410
until the day I die.
1582
01:22:56,544 --> 01:22:58,178
Well, let's hear it, please.
1583
01:23:04,318 --> 01:23:05,753
It's just really embarrassing.
1584
01:23:05,887 --> 01:23:07,354
Miss Parsons?
1585
01:23:07,488 --> 01:23:08,790
I'm gonna have to rule
against you.
1586
01:23:08,923 --> 01:23:10,190
Look, Your Honor,
1587
01:23:10,324 --> 01:23:12,125
I didn't do anything wrong here.
1588
01:23:12,259 --> 01:23:14,328
And this is just often
what happens with women.
1589
01:23:14,461 --> 01:23:15,730
You know,
everyone calls me a liar
1590
01:23:15,864 --> 01:23:16,931
because I told the truth.
1591
01:23:17,064 --> 01:23:18,766
I don't know what you...
1592
01:23:22,402 --> 01:23:24,171
I am sorry.
1593
01:23:24,304 --> 01:23:26,808
But I'm gonna have to ask you
1594
01:23:26,941 --> 01:23:30,010
to be honest just one last time.
1595
01:23:39,621 --> 01:23:41,054
"Unmatchable.
1596
01:23:42,924 --> 01:23:44,458
You're a nerd and a loser.
1597
01:23:46,093 --> 01:23:48,395
No one will ever
find you attractive.
1598
01:23:49,731 --> 01:23:51,331
Take our advice.
1599
01:23:51,465 --> 01:23:55,402
Give up on love and get a dog
so you don't die alone."
1600
01:24:01,009 --> 01:24:02,944
Damn.
1601
01:24:03,076 --> 01:24:04,779
Wait...
1602
01:24:07,447 --> 01:24:09,283
I Promise would like to drop
1603
01:24:09,416 --> 01:24:10,685
the restraining order,
Your Honor.
1604
01:24:10,818 --> 01:24:12,554
Miss Parsons
is telling the truth.
1605
01:24:13,621 --> 01:24:15,222
And you are?
1606
01:24:15,355 --> 01:24:17,057
Uh, I'm Riley Detamore.
1607
01:24:17,190 --> 01:24:20,528
I programmed
the I Promise system.
1608
01:24:20,662 --> 01:24:22,362
And the...
1609
01:24:23,397 --> 01:24:25,833
The message is real, Your Honor.
1610
01:24:27,702 --> 01:24:29,202
Oh, no.
1611
01:24:29,336 --> 01:24:30,772
- Keep talking.
- Well,
1612
01:24:30,905 --> 01:24:33,641
when I initially coded
the I Promise system,
1613
01:24:33,775 --> 01:24:37,377
I-I used myself
as a test subject.
1614
01:24:40,782 --> 01:24:42,449
That message, Kip...
1615
01:24:43,985 --> 01:24:45,687
it was meant for me.
1616
01:24:47,789 --> 01:24:49,289
I guess I just...
1617
01:24:49,423 --> 01:24:51,491
I forgot to delete the code.
1618
01:24:52,326 --> 01:24:53,695
And I didn't think of it
1619
01:24:53,828 --> 01:24:55,429
until Dennis reminded me
1620
01:24:55,563 --> 01:24:58,198
that the initial test response
was, "Get a dog."
1621
01:24:58,332 --> 01:25:01,569
And then I thought about us,
and-- And Fergus.
1622
01:25:01,703 --> 01:25:05,305
And I realized why you were
trying to get a dog
1623
01:25:05,439 --> 01:25:07,875
in the first place.
1624
01:25:08,009 --> 01:25:12,112
The reason why that message
never triggered is because...
1625
01:25:12,245 --> 01:25:17,317
no one ever signed up
that was like me.
1626
01:25:18,151 --> 01:25:19,587
You know...
1627
01:25:20,688 --> 01:25:22,122
weird, I guess.
1628
01:25:23,123 --> 01:25:24,559
Like me.
1629
01:25:26,027 --> 01:25:27,895
Until now.
1630
01:25:29,063 --> 01:25:30,130
Riley...
1631
01:25:30,263 --> 01:25:33,568
I'm so sorry, Kip.
1632
01:25:33,701 --> 01:25:35,970
You were telling the truth
the whole time, and I...
1633
01:25:36,104 --> 01:25:37,872
I didn't believe you.
1634
01:25:40,675 --> 01:25:42,644
Can you please forgive me?
1635
01:25:52,553 --> 01:25:53,788
No.
1636
01:25:56,024 --> 01:25:57,759
Miss Parsons...
1637
01:25:57,892 --> 01:25:59,027
Kip...
1638
01:25:59,159 --> 01:26:01,829
I'm the one who escalated this.
1639
01:26:01,963 --> 01:26:03,430
Not Riley.
1640
01:26:04,666 --> 01:26:08,235
Please don't hold a grudge
against my son.
1641
01:26:08,368 --> 01:26:09,871
I'm not holding a grudge,
Miss Detamore.
1642
01:26:10,004 --> 01:26:11,939
I'm trying to set a boundary.
1643
01:26:15,076 --> 01:26:16,778
You really hurt me.
1644
01:26:18,012 --> 01:26:21,381
So why would I give you
a chance to do it again?
1645
01:26:46,841 --> 01:26:49,777
As much as I would like
to see what happens next,
1646
01:26:49,911 --> 01:26:52,412
my job is to keep
this room moving.
1647
01:26:52,547 --> 01:26:54,949
So if no one
has anything else...
1648
01:26:55,083 --> 01:26:56,818
I'm gay!
1649
01:26:58,586 --> 01:27:02,824
And I'm married to David.
1650
01:27:04,759 --> 01:27:05,760
What?
1651
01:27:05,893 --> 01:27:07,695
Oh, come on.
How could you not know?
1652
01:27:07,829 --> 01:27:10,164
I went back in the closet
because I thought it would hurt
1653
01:27:10,297 --> 01:27:11,532
my brother's business
1654
01:27:11,666 --> 01:27:14,501
to have a gay,
married spokesman.
1655
01:27:15,870 --> 01:27:17,171
But Kip's right.
1656
01:27:17,304 --> 01:27:19,540
Truth matters.
1657
01:27:21,876 --> 01:27:23,745
And that's all.
1658
01:27:26,614 --> 01:27:27,849
I'm so proud of you.
1659
01:27:27,982 --> 01:27:30,151
Well, thanks for that,
my friend.
1660
01:27:30,283 --> 01:27:33,386
You have my sincere hope
that no one cares.
1661
01:27:33,521 --> 01:27:34,889
Anyone else like to share?
1662
01:27:35,022 --> 01:27:36,624
No?
1663
01:27:37,390 --> 01:27:38,726
Okay.
1664
01:27:38,860 --> 01:27:40,528
If there are no
further objections,
1665
01:27:40,661 --> 01:27:45,900
I am declaring the order void.
1666
01:28:01,816 --> 01:28:03,985
Sorry, Jones.
1667
01:28:04,118 --> 01:28:06,821
You were the best roommate ever.
1668
01:28:08,455 --> 01:28:10,625
Kip, come on. Please open up.
1669
01:28:10,758 --> 01:28:13,060
Go away.
1670
01:28:21,936 --> 01:28:23,336
Kip? Are you okay?
1671
01:28:23,470 --> 01:28:25,540
Open the door!
1672
01:28:26,306 --> 01:28:28,109
My crab, he's immortal.
1673
01:28:28,242 --> 01:28:30,377
Oh. What?
1674
01:28:31,478 --> 01:28:35,650
Jones died,
but now he's in there.
1675
01:28:35,783 --> 01:28:38,286
Well, was he just lying there,
like, out of his shell?
1676
01:28:38,418 --> 01:28:41,022
And did he just molt?
1677
01:28:41,155 --> 01:28:42,690
Oh. I guess so.
1678
01:28:42,824 --> 01:28:44,759
He's never done that before.
I thought he was dead.
1679
01:28:44,892 --> 01:28:47,028
See, he can't grow
in his old skin,
1680
01:28:47,161 --> 01:28:48,896
so he has to shed it.
1681
01:28:49,030 --> 01:28:51,364
Actually, fun fact
about hermit crabs--
1682
01:28:51,498 --> 01:28:53,000
I'm doing that nerd thing again.
1683
01:28:53,134 --> 01:28:55,670
I'll stop.
1684
01:28:57,038 --> 01:28:59,339
Jones, uh,
I am so proud of you.
1685
01:28:59,472 --> 01:29:00,575
That must have hurt
like a bitch.
1686
01:29:00,708 --> 01:29:02,076
You just do your thing in there,
1687
01:29:02,210 --> 01:29:03,644
and I'm gonna get you
something special,
1688
01:29:03,778 --> 01:29:05,780
like a real pineapple.
1689
01:29:07,281 --> 01:29:09,750
Okay, you can leave now.
1690
01:29:24,397 --> 01:29:25,833
Question 82.
1691
01:29:27,235 --> 01:29:30,004
Question 82 on the I Promise
questionnaire.
1692
01:29:30,137 --> 01:29:34,709
"What's one thing
that you will always regret?"
1693
01:29:34,842 --> 01:29:37,578
You know, I felt a little weird
writing that question
1694
01:29:37,712 --> 01:29:39,013
because I didn't
have an answer for it.
1695
01:29:39,146 --> 01:29:42,415
I mean, I should floss more,
but...
1696
01:29:43,450 --> 01:29:44,886
Anyway...
1697
01:29:45,853 --> 01:29:47,188
just...
1698
01:29:47,321 --> 01:29:49,891
now I'll have something I regret
for the rest of my life.
1699
01:30:07,341 --> 01:30:10,645
Also, the Immortal Crabs is the
name of my new calypso band.
1700
01:30:18,819 --> 01:30:20,588
And I haven't seen him since.
1701
01:30:20,721 --> 01:30:22,990
I'm not mad anymore.
I'm just...
1702
01:30:24,825 --> 01:30:27,862
I don't know.
I did all of that for nothing.
1703
01:30:29,462 --> 01:30:31,098
I lost my job.
1704
01:30:31,232 --> 01:30:32,833
My dignity.
1705
01:30:32,967 --> 01:30:34,168
My privacy.
1706
01:30:34,302 --> 01:30:35,770
And for what?
1707
01:30:39,907 --> 01:30:43,744
I've spent my life feeling like
no one really gets me.
1708
01:30:44,645 --> 01:30:47,648
Like I'm not enough.
1709
01:30:50,251 --> 01:30:51,719
But with Riley...
1710
01:30:53,287 --> 01:30:54,956
With Riley, I felt enough.
1711
01:30:59,226 --> 01:31:00,828
Then he's the one.
1712
01:31:04,398 --> 01:31:05,833
Hi.
1713
01:31:09,469 --> 01:31:11,172
You're enough, Kip.
1714
01:31:12,907 --> 01:31:14,608
The real question is...
1715
01:31:16,077 --> 01:31:17,511
Is he?
1716
01:31:21,349 --> 01:31:24,018
I guess I got to stop
tucking away my weirdness, huh?
1717
01:31:25,386 --> 01:31:26,821
Yes.
1718
01:31:28,823 --> 01:31:30,490
See if he can keep up.
1719
01:32:02,690 --> 01:32:04,158
Can we talk?
1720
01:32:18,639 --> 01:32:21,208
Let's go. Come on.
1721
01:32:21,342 --> 01:32:22,777
Come on.
1722
01:32:26,213 --> 01:32:28,517
-Hey.
-Hey.
1723
01:32:28,649 --> 01:32:30,384
Oh, my God! Is this Fergus?
1724
01:32:30,519 --> 01:32:32,386
Yeah. Someone--
1725
01:32:32,521 --> 01:32:33,888
I can't remember who.
1726
01:32:34,021 --> 01:32:36,624
--suggested that I get a dog.
1727
01:32:39,060 --> 01:32:40,995
Too soon?
1728
01:32:50,071 --> 01:32:52,073
Kip.
1729
01:32:53,574 --> 01:32:55,476
So, this is it.
Corporate headquarters.
1730
01:32:55,609 --> 01:32:58,079
Also known as my house.
1731
01:32:58,212 --> 01:33:01,916
If you'll excuse us,
we have that appointment.
1732
01:33:02,049 --> 01:33:03,984
Right. We have to see that guy.
1733
01:33:04,118 --> 01:33:06,954
-What guy?
-Uh, about that thing.
1734
01:33:07,088 --> 01:33:08,489
Ahem.
1735
01:33:13,994 --> 01:33:15,729
Bye, guys.
1736
01:33:18,065 --> 01:33:20,734
Oh, they're not very good
at pretending
1737
01:33:20,868 --> 01:33:22,837
that they have
other things to do.
1738
01:33:22,970 --> 01:33:25,406
I feel-- I mean,
I'm embar-- I'm embar--
1739
01:33:25,540 --> 01:33:27,141
Oh, dear.
1740
01:33:27,274 --> 01:33:28,510
Yeah, uh...
1741
01:33:28,642 --> 01:33:30,611
Okay, now I'm really
embarrassed.
1742
01:33:30,744 --> 01:33:32,379
Uh, Mom, I think that's...
1743
01:33:32,514 --> 01:33:34,949
Yeah, so, Mom, I think now
is probably a good time to...
1744
01:33:35,082 --> 01:33:37,519
-Um...
-Oh, I-I-I'm going.
1745
01:33:37,651 --> 01:33:39,120
-I'm going.
-Okay.
1746
01:33:42,256 --> 01:33:44,191
Can I show you my office?
It's kind of cool.
1747
01:33:44,325 --> 01:33:46,327
-Sure.
-All right, I'll show you.
1748
01:33:49,330 --> 01:33:51,632
So I took my own advice
and got a dog.
1749
01:33:52,399 --> 01:33:53,834
That's Odin.
1750
01:34:02,843 --> 01:34:04,311
You asked me here to talk,
1751
01:34:04,445 --> 01:34:06,714
so talk.
1752
01:34:10,084 --> 01:34:11,185
Um...
1753
01:34:14,355 --> 01:34:15,723
Kip, I-I didn't...
1754
01:34:15,856 --> 01:34:18,959
Kip, that message
wasn't meant for you.
1755
01:34:19,093 --> 01:34:21,495
I would never say anything
like that to you,
1756
01:34:21,630 --> 01:34:24,064
or anyone else.
1757
01:34:24,198 --> 01:34:25,499
But you did.
1758
01:34:25,634 --> 01:34:28,269
You said it about yourself,
and that's not okay.
1759
01:34:31,405 --> 01:34:33,007
[chuckles lightly
1760
01:34:44,653 --> 01:34:46,287
We hospitalized my mom.
1761
01:34:46,420 --> 01:34:47,788
Yeah.
1762
01:34:47,922 --> 01:34:49,591
We traumatized
an innocent fish.
1763
01:34:49,723 --> 01:34:51,692
Mm-hmm. I got fired.
1764
01:34:51,825 --> 01:34:53,394
I destroyed my company.
1765
01:34:53,528 --> 01:34:56,030
I got both served and arrested
live on the Internet.
1766
01:34:56,163 --> 01:34:57,765
We have a terrible record.
1767
01:34:57,898 --> 01:34:59,200
We're a dumpster fire.
1768
01:34:59,333 --> 01:35:03,404
But if there's any way
that we can...
1769
01:35:12,746 --> 01:35:16,585
In the end, I Promise did
match me with my perfect man.
1770
01:35:16,750 --> 01:35:18,653
The man I adore.
1771
01:35:21,556 --> 01:35:24,626
After the trial, Raina
and Sanjay got coffee together.
1772
01:35:24,758 --> 01:35:26,427
Then dinner.
1773
01:35:26,561 --> 01:35:28,095
Then breakfast.
1774
01:35:31,999 --> 01:35:33,535
I Promise did survive,
1775
01:35:33,668 --> 01:35:35,704
and eventually
Riley rehired his family.
1776
01:35:35,836 --> 01:35:38,372
Of course, under the condition
they will never send
1777
01:35:38,505 --> 01:35:39,974
another client to jail,
1778
01:35:40,107 --> 01:35:42,876
and that I Promise brand
wasn't skyscrapers
1779
01:35:43,010 --> 01:35:44,579
and supermodels,
1780
01:35:44,713 --> 01:35:46,747
but helping people find a home.
1781
01:35:46,880 --> 01:35:47,982
A family.
1782
01:35:48,115 --> 01:35:49,718
However they define it.
1783
01:35:49,850 --> 01:35:51,519
Riley also hired
his friend Dennis.
1784
01:35:51,653 --> 01:35:56,290
And Raina, who has them all
next-level organized.
1785
01:35:57,692 --> 01:35:59,493
It didn't take long
for my CEO to realize
1786
01:35:59,661 --> 01:36:02,564
who was actually doing all
the work Marco took credit for.
1787
01:36:02,697 --> 01:36:08,035
Soon after, Marco himself was
released back into the wild.
1788
01:36:10,170 --> 01:36:11,640
They offered me his position.
1789
01:36:11,805 --> 01:36:13,274
I accepted,
1790
01:36:13,407 --> 01:36:16,343
as long as they paid me
exactly one dollar more
1791
01:36:16,477 --> 01:36:17,911
than he made.
1792
01:36:25,219 --> 01:36:27,689
Riley became
an important member
1793
01:36:27,821 --> 01:36:29,857
of our zombie strike team.
1794
01:36:29,990 --> 01:36:32,694
And a few more
members joined too.
1795
01:36:32,826 --> 01:36:36,230
Business boomed after Dirk
made several TV appearances.
1796
01:36:36,363 --> 01:36:39,534
Apparently not that many people
come out, go back in,
1797
01:36:39,701 --> 01:36:41,569
then come out again
in a courtroom.
1798
01:36:42,537 --> 01:36:43,904
Love is love,
1799
01:36:44,038 --> 01:36:45,573
and we all need help
finding it.
1800
01:36:45,707 --> 01:36:48,909
"With that in mind,
please listen to these words.
1801
01:36:49,043 --> 01:36:52,112
From one unmatchable
to another.
1802
01:36:55,049 --> 01:36:57,552
Don't tuck away
your weirdness for anyone.
1803
01:36:57,686 --> 01:37:01,756
Someone is out there,
waiting for you.
1804
01:37:01,889 --> 01:37:03,157
And they will love you,
1805
01:37:03,290 --> 01:37:05,660
not in spite
of how you really are,
1806
01:37:05,794 --> 01:37:07,961
but because of it."
1807
01:37:08,862 --> 01:37:10,331
I promise.