(vintage movie projector reeling )
(upbeat music)
- I think we're almost there.
- Good, I hope there's a bar.
- Oh, there will be.
I stayed at a dude ranch once in Montana,
there's these cute cabins
and we ate in this beautiful dining room
with this big fireplace.
It was really romantic.
- Cute, you feel okay about accepting this from Derek?
- Yeah, I mean, he's still Amber's dad.
Sure, sometimes I wanna cut his dick off.
But then, I don't.
- Yeah, I get it.
That's how I feel about most of these guys at the club.
- Besides this will be good for us, the movie.
- Yeah, and we'll get a little vacation,
thanks to your ex.
(laughs) (upbeat music)
- Oh, I think this is it.
(birds chirping)
(drum beats)
(birds chirping)
- Oof.
(horse snorting)
(car door closing)
- Maybe there isn't a bar.
- Good thing that I came packing.
- Eyes on the prize ladies.
(suspenseful music)
(cabin door closing)
- You must be the girls I've been expecting.
- Hi, I'm Cassie, this is Holly.
- You're late.
- I'm sorry (chuckles) got a little lost.
There's no signal out here.
- You should have left earlier then.
- Oh well we're here now,
anxious to get to work.
- Do you mind if we freshen up a bit?
- What for?
- Oh, we just had a long drive.
- I'm supposed to make genuine cowboys out here.
Genuine cowboys don't 'freshen up'.
- Cowgirls, actually. (horse neighing)
- Do you ever hear John Wayne say
he need to freshen up?
- No.
- Clint Eastwood never had check his hair
or go to the little girl's room.
You know is, sex build like a dead road.
- Ew. (laughs)
- Yes, sir, dirt skin, and dirty fingernails.
That's the cowboy way.
- Okay, well we're not real cowboys, we're actors.
And we just need a little less-
- Should know you ain't no real cowboys.
You're not even close.
But when I get through with you
you're gonna know how to rope, how to ride,
how to shoe a horse, milk a cow,
build a barn, and how to shoot the eye out
of a sparrow from a hundred yards.
- We're only here for two days.
- Then we'd better get started.
(upbeat music)
- Yeah, no, I set them up with some 'Western training'.
(laughs)
It'll break them down for sure.
- Good, I'm counting on you
to wrestle Deep Gorge Drifters away from them.
They wouldn't know what to do with it anyway.
- Right, and then once it's a Centaurus Picture
then it's mine to direct, right?
- That's the deal.
- I'm trusting you Miles.
- I'm trusting you first.
- But can I trust you?
- Can I trust you?
- Please get up phone
I've trying to unblock energy flow to your liver.
- Hold on, what?
(foreign language)
- Look, Derek I gotta go.
Ho Chi Minh here is trying to unblock my Qi.
- Your what?
- Apparently I have Qi stagnation.
Probably not enough charcoal in my health shakes.
Or maybe it's too much charcoal, fuck.
(foreign language)
- Call me later with some good news, I gotta go.
- Well, I'm heading out there later.
They'll break them down and,
I'll be there to pick up the pieces.
- Ciao, hey, you offer a happy ending?
(foreign language)
(upbeat music)
- Yeah, this here, is a lasso.
We use it for?
- Roping cattle.
- That's right.
(laughs)
(lasso whizzing)
(cheering) (clapping)
- That looks easy enough.
- Who's first?
- I'll try.
- Okay, it's not a tampon woman.
Hold it like you're in charge.
- Okay, my tampons know who's boss.
- Now swing it over your head and just let her go.
(upbeat music)
How the hell you're supposed to look
like a real cowboy on screen,
tossing a rope like that?
That's the worse damn roping I'd ever seen in my life.
My mama can rope better than that, and she dead.
My sister can rope better than that,
and she ain't got no arms.
- I'm sorry.
- Damn right you're sorry.
Sorry ass excuse for a cowboy.
- Hey Buster, give her a break.
It was her first try.
- Yeah, you're supposed to be teaching us
how to do this stuff.
- Okay, princess, you're next, now.
- Go girl.
- Show me how easy it is.
(cheering)
- All right, lucky shot.
Let's see how good you do with the horses.
- Horses. - (laughs)
(upbeat music) - Go.
- You got it, you can do it.
(upbeat music)
- Just relax, come on Cassie.
(upbeat music)
(gun shot) (upbeat music)
- Don't let her go straight.
There you go (laughs)
(cheering)
(upbeat music) (horse neighing)
(gun shots) (upbeat music)
- Okay ladies, put them backs into it.
- Yeah, put your back into it.
- What are you doing?
(upbeat music)
- (exhales) Please sheriff.
I have a child who's sick and needs me.
You can't lock me up.
- I wish I could help you
but the law doesn't look kindly on ladies over few.
- Well, isn't that something.
The law shouldn't seem to take issue
with me when you was in my bed.
- That wasn't official business.
- It sure was, it was my business.
- Okay, very nice, sweetie.
(giggling)
- Cool, thank you so much for having me.
I really love the script.
(paper crumpling)
(footsteps pattering)
- Hi, there.
- Hi. - Have a seat.
As soon as you're ready.
We'll have you slay to the camera
with your name, your height,
the role you're reading for,
and then we'll get started, okay?
- Okay, but I was actually wondering
if it's possible to read one of the lead roles.
The three girls.
- Well, I'm sorry those roles are already cast.
- But the director told me I'd be perfect for lead.
- I'm sorry, the producers
haven't signed the director yet.
(laughs)
You sure, 'cause he told me himself.
- Who's this director?
- Derek Abrams?
- Really, and what exactly did Derek tell you?
- That the producers were fired
and that he's directing this movie for Centaurus.
And that the leads haven't been booked yet.
So I should read for the led role.
- Well, welcome to Hollywood, sweetheart.
That asshole lied right to your face.
- Oh my God, what a jerk.
- Oh, no honey, please I'm sorry.
Don't tell me you didn't...
- Sleep with him.
- Well, I was gonna say suck his dick, but sure.
- I feel so stupid.
- Oh, honey please, now don't cry.
It's gonna be okay, really.
- Do you still want to read?
(crying)
- Yes, can you just give me a minute please?
- Of course. - Why don't you wait outside?
Let me know when you're ready.
- Okay.
- What was all that about?
- Typical Hollywood bullshit.
Shows you we still ain't got past all that yet.
- Knock-knock.
- Lord have mercy.
- So I know I'm not on the list
but I was hoping you'd see me for the role you're casting.
(upbeat music)
I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot before,
but I feel like I'm perfect for this role.
- The character is black.
- I can be black.
I do a great Jennifer Hudson, and I...
(upbeat music)
(birds chirping)
- Why is there no signal?
I would kill to have a delivery of tequila right now.
- Is it too late to make a movie about three girls
on a resort in Fiji?
- I have so much hay in my puss.
I look like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz down there.
- I have calluses on my hands, my feet, my butt.
- At least we learned something.
- Yeah, never to make a Western again.
(bell ringing)
- Chow time, come and get it.
- Oh, thank God I'm starving.
- Me too.
- Let's go.
- My God, this is what old age feels like.
- Okay, don't show any weakness.
He might kill us and eat us.
- Grab a bowl ladies.
Part of living as a cowboy is eating like a cowboy.
- Good, we're hungry.
- What are we having, Barbecue beans, ribs?
- Whoo potato salad.
- (gasps) What the fuck is that?
- Sop.
- Sop?
- Is what the cowboys eat out on the trail.
Sour belly fat, whistle berries and some beans.
- Is it gluten-free?
- It'll keep you regular that's for damn sure.
Them whistle berries will clean you out
like shit through goose.
- Is that all we eating?
I mean, damn can I get a salad or something?
- Oh I made biscuits too.
You dip the bread in the sop. (soup squelching)
- Ew, no, you need to wash your hands
and you've been touching horses.
- Suit yourself.
(birds chirping)
- What's that smell?
- What smell?
- I don't know, kind of like poop.
- Oh, that's the fire we cook it on.
Out on the rains, the cowboys burn Buffalo chips.
- What's that?
- Buffalo shit.
- Hell no, I'm not eating no goose shit
cooked over no cow shit.
(car revving)
(car honking) (horse neighing)
- Ladies, hey Buster. (horse snorting)
- Ah my man (laughing)
- Oh boy.
- Oh no, no, it's okay, I'm fine.
- You sure, you're not gonna kick him
in the nuts or anything, aren't you?
(laughs)
- I think I got that all out of my system, I'm fine.
(car door closing)
- Who wants chicken and wine?
- Yes, yes, and yes. - My God, my Hero.
- Here you go, mac and cheese, hush puppies,
collard greens, buttered corn.
- The only thing that's missing is...
- Red or white?
- Give me a strong.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, it's my pleasure.
I figured you'd be hungry by now
and I've had Buster's cooking.
- Oh (chuckles)
- Let me fix your plate?
- Sure.
- Plates are here, great.
Babes, you want a little of everything?
- Derek Abrams, yes, sure I've heard of him.
He's a decent director.
- He also happens to be Cassie's ex-husband.
Can you believe he sent in a woman to audition?
- What's wrong with that?
- Because he told her he was the director,
and that she could read for one of the leds.
- (laughs) that's a good one (laughs)
- That's not good, that's disgusting.
- Mabel I once told a young hopeful,
I was John Slazenger fresh off Midnight Cowboy.
- Archibald Maxwell, were you trying
to get into her pants?
- No, I was just trying to get a free breakfast
at IHOP and it worked too.
- Oh stop, well, we need to figure out
what his game is.
Why he going around telling everyone
he's directing our movie.
- He's just trying to get laid.
You got Cassie now?
- No, I can't find her.
I know they were going off
to do some sort of cowboy training.
- Oh, yeah that's right I forgot.
So how's casting coming anyway?
- It's pretty much done.
We've got a really strong cast.
Your words are in good hands, sir.
- Yeah, trust me, this script is so good
Ben Affleck couldn't fuck it up.
(footsteps pattering)
- Cold out here.
- A little bit.
- Better?
- Yeah, thanks.
- Well, I hope the training was helpful?
- Yeah, it was a great idea.
I think by the end of the day tomorrow
we will be genuine Deep Gorge Drifters, thanks again.
- My pleasure, no, I figured I owe you
a few years of good deeds
to make up for, you know.
- (laughs) More than a few.
- I know, I know, I'm really sorry.
I know I was a total shit before.
But people change.
I really wanna see you succeed.
I wanna help you Cas.
- To be honest, we could use all the help we can get.
- I mean, if I were you I would consider
taking this movie big.
Try to get a studio behind.
- Oh, trust me we've had offers.
But they want us to hand it over
and let them make it.
- A small piece of a huge pie
can really change your life Cas.
And then you'll be on the map.
This won't be your last movie
because you'll be in the game.
- But we worked so hard to get here.
Why would we just give it away?
- Think of what it would mean with a big budget
and a powerful studio, like Centaurus behind you.
- Wait I never said anything about Centaurus.
How did you know about them?
- I mean, it was an example,
you know, they're a big studio.
I was just using them as an example.
- Well actually they did approach us,
and they said that we'd have to step aside for name actors.
- I'd consider it Cas, I really would.
And then you can act in the next one
'cause with Centaurus backing you,
there will be a next one.
Otherwise you might be just one done.
- Maybe you're right.
- Look, I don't have a dog in this fight.
But try to look at it this way.
What's the most important thing in the world to you?
- Easy, Amber.
- How much you making
on this movie doing it your way?
- Well, that's not the point, I mean-
- How much?
- Nothing, but after it sells...
- If, if it sells.
- Maybe we'll beat the odds.
- I hope so, I really do.
But the better bet is to release it through the studio.
So, you've gotta ask yourself what your goal is.
Is it to satisfy your ego and prove to the world
that you can do it.
Or to make sure your daughter goes
to a great school and your house is paid for.
- You make it sound like I'm being selfish.
- No, I don't mean it that way, no, please understand.
I will stand by you no matter what.
You know I wanna do right by you.
I'm rooting for you.
- I get it, I appreciate it.
(soft music)
- Okay, this is not happening. - Okay right.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
(upbeat music)
- Okay, I should go.
- (exhaling) Yeah.
- (chuckles) whoo, I didn't mean
to horn in like this, you know.
Just trying to make sure you're taken care of.
- If only you'd done more of that
when we were married.
- Ouch.
- But I appreciate it.
- Okay, I'll see you around, okay.
- Drive safely.
(upbeat music)
(car engine roaring)
- Once we have it, we start to clean house.
The ladies out, Harpo out.
Archibald, we'll make sure our lawyers tie up
all the sequel rights, prequel rights,
spin-off rights, TV rights.
I mean clearly this was his swan song.
So let's send the whole fruit back to the home,
where you can spend the rest of his years
talking about the good old days,
with all the other has-beens.
- And then it's mine right?
- As promised, but you better deliver me a hit
or I'll send you out to pasture.
- Who are we gonna cast the leads?
Halle Berry, Zoe Saldana, Tessa Thompson?
- You know I was thinking
#Hollywood's so black, right now.
Black Panther, BlacKkKlansman, Black Mirror.
- Actually Black Mirror is not a...
(finger snaps)
- I got it, Jennifer Lawrence.
Reese Witherspoon, Scarlett Johannson.
Now that is a cast.
- I like it.
- You know maybe,
we cast Bruce Willis and the Harpo part.
It's not like anyone's chompin' at the bit
to make another Die Hard sequel.
(upbeat music) (eagle hawking)
(car beeping)
- I think that's everything.
- Whew. (car door closing)
- Well, ladies you came here as
entitled, sniveling, spoiled little actresses.
But you leaving here as real cowgirls.
(chuckles)
- Sniveling? - Entitled?
- Spoiled?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's the speech I usually give
to rich kids whose parents send them
up here to break the little a-holes.
(laughs)
- But to tell you the truth,
I really enjoyed you three.
- Thank you for everything.
- Yeah, thanks.
- I hope to never be back.
- Sharice.
- (laughs) - I'm serious
- That's okay, that's okay.
I know what you mean.
And I'd like to leave you with one more thing.
Don't ever forget the cowboy code.
- There's a code?
- Live each day with courage.
Take pride in your work.
Always finish what you started.
And know where to draw the line.
(laughs)
You live your life by those rules.
When it's time for you to jump into the box.
You'll do so without regrets.
- [All Three Girls] Aww
- Oh, come on now.
Okay, that's enough now.
(laughs)
(car doors opening)
- Off into the sunset with you.
(car door closing)
(signs)
- For the love of God.
Drive woman drive.
(car engine revving)
- Is it too much to ask you
to stop at the nearest bar?
(upbeat music)
- That's right Derek Abrams, ring a bell?
- Sure, Cassie's ex.
That story about her giving him a beat down
spread faster than gonorrhea in the 60s.
- Well, he's going around town
telling everyone he's directing our movie,
and that the leads are still open for casting.
Archibald thinks that he's using it to try to get laid.
But I think he's up to something.
- Not on my watch, he ain't.
No, sir Mr. Derek Abrams.
This here is my juke joint
- Hey ladies?
- Yeah - It wasn't me.
- No, I just wanted to run something by you.
- What's up?
- Have you guys considered that maybe.
And I'm just saying hypothetically.
Maybe we should let the studio make our movie?
- Fuck no. - No way.
- Just hear me out?
Okay, there could be something to the thought
that says a small piece of something big,
could be more help than a big piece of something small.
- Yeah, but this is our big shot.
- Word.
- Why would we give that up now?
- And I got us a million dollars
to make this movie, that's huge.
- Sure, but imagine a hundred million.
I mean we'd be producers on a ginormous movie
rather than you know.
- Yeah, but we'd be watching from the sidelines.
- Yeah and we're actresses first,
I mean these roles were written for us.
- Yeah, I'm just saying.
What if we don't get distribution?
What if no one sees this movie?
Would it all have been worth it?
When you're back shaking your tits for tips,
and you Holly have to go back to parking cars?
- We'll at least we will have done something major
for our careers.
- That's the point, let's do something major, not minor.
- I don't know Cas.
Remember the cowboy code,
always finish what you started?
Know where to draw the line.
- And I draw the line
at watching someone else get our parts.
- Yeah, well I draw the line at doing something
that will keep Amber at a good school.
- Okay, so we don't have kids.
God, do you always have to throw that in our faces?
- What, I'm not.
- You kinda are.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- What's ridiculous is getting this far,
and bailing out.
- I'm not bailing out.
Are you missing something here?
- I'm not missing anything.
You want us to sell out, fuck that.
- Who said sell out?
I'm saying do something big, get noticed.
And then we can make the rules on the next one.
I mean, God forbid you two do something
that will get you out of your shitty jobs.
- Wow, shitty jobs?
Oh, judge much?
- I didn't mean it like that.
- Oh I think that's exactly what you meant.
We know you look down your nose at us because what,
we don't live in a house or have a kid
and you speak another language
and book more jobs than we do.
- Oh, and it costs me, my marriage.
- Whatever, you made it out okay.
- No amount of money is worth the acrimony.
- Every time you use words like 'acrimony',
we know that you're being snobby by the way.
- That's insane.
- And I remember you using 'diaphanous' once.
You know what I mean?
What black girl, God, uses 'diaphanous'?
- This black girl.
- It's just weird.
- Oh so what now I'm not black enough for you either?
- You know what Cas, go ahead, sell us out.
I don't give a shit anymore.
- Yeah, do whatever.
(suspense music)
(upbeat music)