[door opens, shuts]
KEVIN: Hey.
I brought you some breakfast as a peace offering.
Food here is a little tricky.
It's just a closet full of beef jerky.
Apparently, Macho Man Randy Savage was an alum here,
and he left his entire food supply to Ron in his will, so,
snap into a Slim Jim?
- Care to join me for breakfast?
- Of course.
Jerky for two. [chuckles]
Um... look,
I wanted to apologize.
You know, I didn't mean to... - Stab me?
- Well, I wasn't gonna use those words.
Look, Ron-Ron is crazy.
I'm serious. He's-he's nuts.
Sick-in-the-head crazy.
And I'm convinced that that motherfucker killed
a dude named Rodrigo.
And the motherfucker tried to kill me
just for being around his office.
And as far as your arm goes, I know you think I'm lying...
I heard "retractable."
- You know, I've dated guys like you before.
It's always someone else's fault.
- That's not true.
That's not true at all. When I'm wrong, I...
I shouldn't say that 'cause I'm never wrong.
If... if I'm wrong,
I have no problem admitting that I'm wrong.
But in this case, I'm not. He said "retractable."
- Hey, part of me is glad you stabbed me.
It's a badge of honor.
I heard when Jason Statham came through here,
he got stabbed directly in the heart.
- Did he survive that?
- He shot Transporter, like, a week later.
- What the fuck?
In the heart? They stabbed him in the heart?
- Yep, right through it. - Goddamn it.
Maybe I'm just doing the wrong fucking thing here.
I mean... [laughs]
...maybe this just isn't for me, you know?
- So, just leave.
Go home. I'm sure there's
a real hero somewhere in need of a goofy sidekick.
- Okay, uh, that backfired.
I thought that you would go the opposite direction
and tell me that, no, I should stay,
and that this is for me.
That's what I... thought...
- Well, what do you want me to say?
If you need extra motivation to be the star
of a Claude Van De Velde movie... [chuckles]
...uh, you're in the wrong business.
This is probably my only shot to be a big action star, so
I'm not gonna blow it.
I'll do anything it takes.
- You're right.
You are absolutely right.
I need to stop all the bitching and moaning,
and I need to cowboy the fuck up.
- There you go.
[dramatic music plays]
- When I first started in the business,
training action stars,
every stunt scene was practical.
Or, as Kevin might say, "retractable." [laughs]
- Oh, that's really good. That's great.
It's not funny. - But the industry has changed.
You can't even be an action star without,
well, knowing how to work green.
- Uh, I'm very familiar with the green screen.
I mean, I've done about 15 movies
where we've had a green screen.
- In which of those 15 movies were you the leading man?
Any idiot can jump on a green screen
and pretend to be eaten by a CG dragon.
Hell, even Little Kevin can do that.
- Oh, hell no!
- Okay, who's finding the time to dress him like me?
It's really... WILCOX: Okay, question.
What does a leading woman or a leading man
get to do on-screen that sidekicks don't?
- Win fights. - Uh, murder bad guys.
- Make love.
Today's lesson is in lovemaking.
- Yes!
[clears throat] On the green screen?
Are we doing it on the green screen?
- Bingo. KEVIN: Nice.
Adding effects to the bed, to the wall, just cracking 'em.
- Okay, I'm gonna be candid.
I-I don't want to do a sex scene with him.
- That's fine, 'cause I don't want
to do a sex scene with her. Ugh.
- [Jordan and Wilcox laugh]
- What's so funny? - Okay, well, look at you,
and then look at her.
And look at you, then her.
Then you, then her. - Okay.
I don't get the joke. What is...? What-what am I missing?
- All right, let me put it another way. Uh...
Look at you, and then look at her.
[laughs] Then look at you, and then her.
- Can we just get this shit over with, please?
- Okay, let's discuss motivation.
All right, now...
after almost killing each other,
Agent Hart and Agent King
discover that they're on the same team.
After diffusing a bomb,
at the top of a skyscraper,
in-in the middle of an earthquake,
they discover this overwhelming passion for each other.
- Wait, wait, wait. We-We're at the top of a skyscraper
in the middle of an earthquake?
- Yes! Yes! Goddamn it!
You are the dumbest actor that I've ever worked with!
Go! Action!
[rhythmic beeping] - Red wire... or blue wire?
- It's got to be the red. - Are you sure?
Agent Hart, are you sure?
- I don't know.
[dramatic music playing]
[beeping speeds up]
[exhales]
- [soft chuckle]
♪
WILCOX: Earthquake. Earthquake!
The building's falling apart!
- Oh, okay, um... - Oh, okay.
WILCOX: Good, great.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, shit!
Hold on! Wait! Oh!
Where you at? Wait, wait, wait, wait.- Kevin.
- Hold on, wait, give me a second! Shit!
- Okay. - Okay, all right.
Come on, it's an earthquake. It's an earthquake.
Go. - Yeah.
- Go. - Agent Hart,
I can't believe we just diffused that bomb.
We just saved thousands of lives, maybe millions.
- This earthquake's got to be about a 7.5 magnitude.
This could be our last time being together before we die.
- Now kiss her neck softly and start fucking.
[wires squeaking] - What...? Wait.
Kiss-kiss her neck and then start fucking?
- Kiss her neck softly and start fucking!
- Oh, okay. He... - Uh...
- I'm just gonna do it 'cause that's what he s...
- Yeah, no, it's fine. - Yeah, let me put your...
Give me that. WILCOX: Be sexy! Do something!
- Grab my leg. - Okay, give me this one.
- Have you never had sex before?! Do it!
- That's not... - We need... All right.
One second. That's it. - I think we got it.
WILCOX: Go! Go!
- Agent Hart, no. We shouldn't do this.
It's against Bureau protocol.
- Well, protocol was meant to be broken.
[screams]
Help! Help! Don't drop me! Don't drop me!
Please don't let go! Don't let go!
- I won't! I got you! - Don't let go!
- I've got you, I promise!
CLAUDE: Can you push in a little closer?
KEVIN: Help me! Help me!
I'm too young to die!
- Any closer, they'll see the cameras.
- Okay, good. Hold there.
JORDAN: I got you. - Perfect.
- Help! - Kevin, you're, like, one foot
off the ground. - You cannot teach acting like that.
JORDAN: I'm just gonna let you down, okay?
KEVIN: Aah!