[inhales sharply]
[grunts, groans]
[sputters]
- Welcome to Ron Wilcox's Action Star School.
I'm Ron Wilcox, and that was your first lesson.
- Getting hit in the head with a bat?
- Oh, you are naive. That was a prop bat.
It was made of plastic. - Wasn't goddamn plastic.
I've been hit with a bat before.
I know what a metal bat fucking feel like.
- All right, hey. Mr. Van De Velde told me to tell him
if you complain about anything being too difficult.
- No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not complaining.
- Mm-hmm. - I'm not complaining about nothing. I loved that.
- Mm-hmm. - I thought it was great,
to be honest with you. Gave me a rush. - Good. Let's take the tour.
- Yeah. - Come on.
This place used to be a slaughterhouse
up until the '70s, and then, as legend has it,
the animals revolted against their tormentors
and they slaughtered the humans.
KEVIN: Oh, my God. - And my pal Charles Norris--
you know him as Chuck-- well, he needed a place to train.
- Mm-hmm. - I bought it, I mentored him.
And that's why he's the badass that he is today.
[exhales sharply] Yeah.
He nearly died within these walls.
And that's how Ron Wilcox's Action Star School got born.
- Ron Wilcox's ASS for short.
- What the fuck did you just say to me?
- Did Matt get... Matt Damon go here?
[laughs] Oh, Matty boy!
Fuck yeah!
Matt Damon. Before he came to me,
he was a no-name actor from New England.
He was nothing. He was 100 pounds soaking wet.
- Uh, you sure we're talking about the same Matt Damon?
- Hell yeah. Matt Damon.
- Huh. Okay. [phone ringing]
Yeah. If you say... - Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Rule number one: no phones till you graduate.
- Okay, I-I run an empire, so unfortunately, I need my...
- Okay, fine. You know what I'll do?
I'll just call Mr. Van De Velde, and I'll tell him, "Oh,
"the phone policy wasn't working for him.
It-it wasn't to his liking."
- I never s... - I know what you're gonna do with this.
You're gonna make calls to Hollywood, you're gonna say,
"Hello, Hollywood, Ron's school is too tough for me.
I need more drugs."
- No. - Yeah. You're gonna say,
"Oh, I'm Kevin Hart. I need more caviar and champagne."
- I just want to talk to my employees.
- That's fine, but I'm still keeping it.
- Okay.
[dramatic music plays]
[sighs]
- Okay. Until you graduate, you are forbidden
from visiting the outside world.
You'll stay here.
- Say what? - You got your bed,
you got your toilet, you got your sink.
All the modern amenities.
[metal thudding, creaking]
- Okay. It's supposed to toughen me up.
Okay, I get it.
Yeah. I'm good with that.
Yeah.
Might be a little too good with it.
- And rule number two: no fucking on the premises.
No anal, no blowjobs, no nothing.
- Who else is here?
- Just me.
- So those-those two Colombian guys that hit me
in the head with the prop bat, they were actors, right?
- Yeah. Exactly.
Okay, rule number three:
when you're under this roof, your name is no longer Kevin.
It's Agent Hart.
And you'll refer to me
as Ron Wilcox or Ron or Wilcox or Coach Ron.
- I like Coach Ron. - And I refer to you as?
- Agent Hart. Right? See, I'm on it. - Right. Yes.
- Now I assume you got me in this FBI jacket and stuff
for a reason, so what is it? - Hey.
Uh, would you do me a favor? - Yeah.
- Uh, Kevin, would you grab that chair for me?
- Yeah, you need this one?
- No, goddamn it!
I said respond only to "Agent Hart."
- Fuck. [sighs]
You just said that. I fucked up.
I'm sorry. That's not gonna happen again.
Why don't you just call me Kevin?
- Okay, in your life, have you ever heard
an action star leading man ever called "Kevin"?
- I mean, Kevin James in Mall Cop. -No, no.
- Kevin is the name of a punk bitch.
Ethan Hunt. That is an action star name.
Tom Cruise-- who's my alumni-- for nine years of his life,
he only responded to "Ethan Hunt."
Whether he was on camera
or off camera, whether he was... - Wow.
- ...in the shower or on the toilet, whether he was fucking
or not fucking. - All right, okay.
I fuck-- I understand, Coach Ron.
- Do you? Do you really?
I hope so.
For your sake, 'cause your life depends on it.
[dramatic music plays]
Okay, next lesson.
Every leading man needs to know how to run
into a burning building and save a stranger.
- Mm.
Wow.
Holy shit, how'd you do that? - And the stranger
that we are going to save today is our own Action Star dummy
Lil Kevin.
- That supposed to be me?
- I don't see the resemblance.
- Are you fucking kidding... - No, w--
We-we've had this dummy for years, buddy.
DUMMY: Oh, hell no!
- Bitch, that's my line.
I've said that line in, like, 12 movies.
- Agent Hart, are you a narcissist?
- No. - Do you think the whole world is all about you?
- That's not, I'm not... - No, no.
You look at you and then you look at him.
- That's why I... - Look at you and look at him.
Do you see any resemblance?
- Kinda sorta, man.
O-Okay. All right, okay.
Maybe I'm crazy.
DUMMY: Help! Help me!
Oh, hell no! Help!
Help me! Oh, hell no!
- Now, safety during stunts is of the utmost importance.
- Yeah, but I mean, that's why you got stuntmen, right?
- Watch it.
- No, for the other guys. Not for me.
The-the lightweights. I don't...
- Okay. Your jacket is flame-retardant,
which means that if you catch on fire,
don't panic, I will come in and put you out.
- Okay. Y-You're gonna...
Ok-- I feel, I feel good, I feel good about that.
- When you're ready, I want you to storm the house,
find the victim and bring him to safety.
- [growling]
- What is that?
- [growling]
- What are you doing? I-I don't...
I don't... - [barking]
Psyching myself up.
[barking]
[growling]
[howling]
It's hot.
Hot.
[barking]
[coughing]
[hacking]
It's fucking hot! Where the fuck are you at?
Oh, God. Oh, fuck, I can't see shit.
Lil Kev?
- Excuse me?
Are you Ron Wilcox? - Well, hello.
How are you? - Jordan King.
- We've been waiting for you. - [chuckles]
DUMMY: Help! Help me! - I got you, buddy.
I got you, Little Kev! - Oh, hell no!
I'm about to save your little beautiful black ass.
[coughing] - Help! Help me!
Oh, hell no!
KEVIN: What the fuck? - Help! Help me!
- Who's this? What the...? - Oh, hell no!
- Oh! [screams] - Help! Help me!
[screams]
Oh, hell no! - It's fucking hot!
- Help! Help me! - Get your ass up.
- Yeah, um, I'm just so nervous.
[chuckles] I've never been in an action movie before.
I just want bring my A game here.
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit! - 90% is mental, okay?
- It's hot! It's hot! - You are gonna be fantastic.
- Coach Ron! [screaming] - I just know it.
- Oh, shit, is he okay?
- Oh, Christ, you leave this guy alone for five seconds. Geez.
KEVIN: Put me out! Put me out, put me out, put me out!