[female voice] I was a good person
before it all went down.
I was good my entire, life.
Good Morning!
I hope you all did your homework!
♪ We love to do our homework, ♪
♪ and we love our teacher too! ♪
♪ Then when I throw out these fun questions, ♪
♪ you should know just what to do! ♪
Ok!
Two plus six is
Eight!
And good behavior is
Great!
♪ And it’s now that part of the class when ♪
♪ we say the time of day and date! ♪
It's nine in the morning
On January 8th
The sun is out and smiling
And it’s your husbands birthday!
[Class Singing ‘La La La’]
Oh my stars,
stop singing children.
Hush up now!
I forgot it’s my husband’s birthday,
I didn’t get him anything special.
Maybe if we call him,
we can do a happy birthday surprise!
[male voice] Ok...oh yeah...right there.
[female voice] I told you, we’re not going to use these
[unused condom splats triggering video call]
[female voice] That's actually my asshole.
[male voice] Right there, oh yeah
[pornographic lovemaking noises over the internet]
Wait… Mrs.Mayberry, remember what you taught us?
Think, before you act.
[pornographic lovemaking noises over the internet]
[male voice] Oh shit,
sweety, what are you doing here?
[Mrs. Mayberry] Shut up, Gerald!
[Chainsaw revs, female scream]
[Mrs. Mayberry] You scream like a bitch.
[More chainsaw]
[Gerald] Oh god, what have you done?
She had a family!
[Mrs. Mayberry] We could have had a family!
[Gerald] Wa-wa-wait, no, no, no--
[Mrs. Mayberry] Oh dear god, what have I done?
In front of you all, I’m so sorry my children;
don’t forget to work on your times tables!
[lone gunshot]
You do everything right in life;
play by all the rules,
and still get sent down here, with all the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world.
After one measly massacre propelled by blind rage.
So that’s why I’m here, to get my revenge.
I mean, was she hotter?
Just saying, I had a hard time
understanding the unprompted melodrama
you just spat at me, tits.
Anyway… I don’t think you quite understand how we’re operatin’ down here.
See, we take revenge out on the living, and it sounds like the core cast of your
sitcom of a death, frankly, are all probably down here, in Hell, with you.
Boop.
Not all of them...that whore survived.
Now they all call her a hero.
How does it feel to have survived such a crazy bitch?
I just hope that sick woman finally found peace.
[female reporter] You are so brave.
[female reporter] Here’s 2 million dollars.
Ohhh, thank you.
[Mrs. Mayberry] Between the talk shows and donation bullshit,
she made so much goddamn cash.
[Mrs. Mayberry] Getting shot was the best thing to happen to her.
[female reporter] You’re a hero!
You’re a hero, girl!
My momma’s a hero.
She is a hero.
Ugh, Ugh, Ugh, you’re a hero.
You’re a heroooooooo!
You’re a hero!
Ho, ho, hohh you’re a hero.
She is not a hero!
Mhm, yeah ok, yep, my thoughts exactly.
Moxxie stop shaking,
you’re gonna shoot our only Hellhound.
Wow, I feel so loved here.
Just take a deep breath,
[inhales] and let it out.
But…it’s a family.
Under what circumstances would ever need to kill a human family?
I mean, if that’s what the client wants…
Maybe like a shitty dad... or a mob family, that’s understandable.
But to eradicate an entire innocent,
seemingly in this instance,
upper middle class family bloodline?!
Hey, you don’t know they’re innocent!
This kid probably sets dogs on fire.
Maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online.
And this guy,
this guy definitely watches.
Exactly!
Humans are full of secret nasties.
It’s why so many of them end up here.
But--
Guilty and innocent aren’t our business, Moxx.
Killin’ who we’re paid to is our business.
Shoot the target.
I just think it’s a bit excessive,
and we could be a bit more selective, is all.
Guys, I want you to meet
our newest client!
DAMMIT MOXXIE! I just bought those eels!
Bye!
And don’t worry, we’ll get that skank
in less than 24 hours or your first kill is freeeeeee!
When did we start implementing that deal?
When you set fire to my office in front of a client,
you fucking dick shit!
Now someone please tell me that fancy book is still intact!
You mean, our only ticket to the other side?
Yeah, got it.
And that’s why you’re my favorite Loony,
you get a tweat now.
Ew, stop.
You’re so gross!
Aww, stop it.
I get enough of that from my therapist.
Now let’s go lick some ass!
The expression is kick some ass... Blitz.
Mine’s better.
Awww… fuck.
[stealthy grunge rock music plays]
That’s gotta be her.
[slyly laughing] This is too easy.
Moxxie, do you want this one?
Me?
Yeah, this one’s simple enough for you to handle.
Just a happy mother who just got out of the hospital.
Snooze you lose, Mox.
And... I got ya bitch.
Wait, are we actually killing a family?
No don’t be a puss, we’re just killing a mother.
We’re ruining a family.
But, ho-hold on, hold on, let’s just think about thi—
[gunshot]
[gasp]
What was that, Ralphie?
I don’t know Martha,
but whatever it is,
they’re gonna be ‘morrow night’s dinner.
All right kids, guns out!
[Ralphie] Looks like we got some rabbits to catch, youngins.
[Ralphie evilly laughing]
What the fuck was that Moxxie?
[exhale like a frog being strangled to death]
I’m sorry, they just seemed so
wholesome and happy, I panicked.
Oh, who the fuck is innocent Moxxie?
From the moment of birth,
you’re already a parasite,
leeching off your mama’s tits,
get the fuck over yourself you baby dick prude—
OW, A NEW HOLE!
SCATTER!
[suspenseful music plays]
Where’d ya go little critter?
Y’all can’t hide long from me!
[intense fight music and noises]
[bottle smash and screech]
[Moxxie coming to, groaning]
[eerie, suspenseful music plays]
[children growl]
Oh, well hello little ones.
Aren’t you cute?
It’s nice having a new critter to play with.
Oh...
crumbs.
[gunshots]
[gunshots and evil laughter]
[intense suspenseful music plays]
[Martha] I know you’re hurtin’ little devil.
I promise, I can make that pain go real quick.
Just come let momma Martha
put a bullet in your pretty little skull.
[Hellish screaming ringtone]
Dammit.
Stolas this is a really bad time.
[coos] When isn’t it a bad time, Blitzy?
[Blitzø] What is it?
I’ve been meaning to follow up on our last
little conversation regarding my grimoire.
[Blitzø] What did you just call me?
My book, Blitzy.
The book I was given to do my job,
that I have allowed you to use to do yours.
[shotgun racks]
[Martha] I can hear you, darlin’!
Shit!
[tsk] Anywho, I have been thinking.
You know I have been permitting you to
access the mortal realm less than,
legally for some time now.
But I do need it back to fulfill my duties.
I was thinking, what if we…
worked out some kind of exchange;
favors for favors.
[Stolas] Doesn’t that sound… enticing?
Gotta stop using your fancy-ass rich people talk, ok?
I’m trying to concentrate on not getting fucked in my A.
[Stolas] Then let me keep it simple.
Once a month on the full moon,
you return the book to me,
followed by a night of
passionate fornication.
Aaaand you get to keep it
all the rest of the time, hm?
Sound fair, my little imp?
Fine, whatever!
[Stolas] Oh Blitz, I’m so excited!
I cannot wait to feel your slimy c**k
inside of my *** and lubed up--
Got ya, so you’re a little devil, huh?
[horny Stolas continues on phone]
Come to drag me and my kin to Hell?
Well, not today, Satan!
Gonna send y’all back where you came from!
[struggling against bondage noises]
[bell tolls]
Millie!
[more struggling noises]
[panting and running]
[evil laughing and gasoline splashing]
[suspenseful eerie music returns]
I had that fucking shot, goddammit Moxxie!
Satan we return your filthy creatures
back to the pits of Hell!
May the root of evil remain honored
as we continue thy work!
[evil sniggering as flames erupt]
Yeah…that’s not exactly how it works lady.
Sorry, your fire doesn’t really hurt us,
but I mean, I could fake it if that’ll get your dick hard.
Oh, shit.
Well… I’ll just shoot you in your smart ass mouths.
That would be more effective.
Blitz!
[laughing as shotgun racks]
[gunshot]
Moxxie!
You’re not getting your goddamn
paycheck for this one, Mox.
Oh yeah thanks, I’m fine.
I’m sorry, sir.
I compromised our objective,
and put us in harms way;
It won’t happen again,
I promise.
Apology accepted,
[whispering] but if you ever pull a stunt like this again,
I will fuck you and your wife.
Allllrighty, job well done!
Now let’s get off.
Ehhh... yeah give me a moment,
I need to get something I left at the house.
Ok, fine, but hurry up.
Loona, we’re ready to come home, dear.
[horny Stolas on phone still talking]
Don’t move.
What are you gonna do, little guy?
Kill us?
I should, you people are monsters.
But, you should have a chance at a life, and a purpose.
Look at your children, they have
their whole future ahead of them.
You are going to face your crimes justly.
I will call your Earthly authorities,
and they will make sure you are dealt with, fairly.
I’m handling this my way.
Oh shit, uh,
do you have a phone to summon 9-1-1?
Yeah, it’s in the kitchen.
Then, what is this for?
It’s a universal remote,
got it for the kids.
Awwww.
There he is, have a good wank off session, Moxxie?
Excuse me?
Look I don’t care where you cum in the living world,
just come to your job on time, alright?
See you in the office!
You doin’ ok sweety?
Better now honey,
I think I just needed a minute to process.
You have a good heart honey,
just a fuzzy head.
[police chatter and vehicles]
Did you see my little Moxx-Moxx, he did it!
Oh Moxxie!
Well, here’s to another mission accomplished,
and Moxxie finally learned not to fuck up.
And killing people isn’t that big a deal
if they try to kill you back!
That’s messed up, but I paid for it!
Yeah, fuck that family!
Cya in Hell, NORD.