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[female voice] I was a good person
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before it all went down.
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I was good my entire, life.
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Good Morning!
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I hope you all did your homework!
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♪ We love to do our homework, ♪
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♪ and we love our teacher too! ♪
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♪ Then when I throw out these fun questions, ♪
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♪ you should know just what to do! ♪
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Ok!
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Two plus six is
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Eight!
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And good behavior is
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Great!
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♪ And it’s now that part of the class when ♪
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♪ we say the time of day and date! ♪
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It's nine in the morning
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On January 8th
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The sun is out and smiling
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And it’s your husbands birthday!
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[Class Singing ‘La La La’]
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Oh my stars,
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stop singing children.
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Hush up now!
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I forgot it’s my husband’s birthday,
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I didn’t get him anything special.
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Maybe if we call him,
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we can do a happy birthday surprise!
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[male voice] Ok...oh yeah...right there.
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[female voice] I told you, we’re not going to use these
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[unused condom splats triggering video call]
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[female voice] That's actually my asshole.
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[male voice] Right there, oh yeah
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[pornographic lovemaking noises over the internet]
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Wait… Mrs.Mayberry, remember what you taught us?
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Think, before you act.
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[pornographic lovemaking noises over the internet]
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[male voice] Oh shit,
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sweety, what are you doing here?
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[Mrs. Mayberry] Shut up, Gerald!
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[Chainsaw revs, female scream]
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[Mrs. Mayberry] You scream like a bitch.
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[More chainsaw]
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[Gerald] Oh god, what have you done?
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She had a family!
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[Mrs. Mayberry] We could have had a family!
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[Gerald] Wa-wa-wait, no, no, no--
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[Mrs. Mayberry] Oh dear god, what have I done?
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In front of you all, I’m so sorry my children;
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don’t forget to work on your times tables!
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[lone gunshot]
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You do everything right in life;
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play by all the rules,
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and still get sent down here, with all the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world.
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After one measly massacre propelled by blind rage.
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So that’s why I’m here, to get my revenge.
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I mean, was she hotter?
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Just saying, I had a hard time
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understanding the unprompted melodrama
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you just spat at me, tits.
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Anyway… I don’t think you quite
understand how we’re operatin’ down here.
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See, we take revenge out on the living,
and it sounds like the core cast of your
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sitcom of a death, frankly, are all
probably down here, in Hell, with you.
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Boop.
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Not all of them...that whore survived.
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Now they all call her a hero.
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How does it feel to have survived such a crazy bitch?
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I just hope that sick woman finally found peace.
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[female reporter] You are so brave.
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[female reporter] Here’s 2 million dollars.
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Ohhh, thank you.
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[Mrs. Mayberry] Between the talk shows and donation bullshit,
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she made so much goddamn cash.
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[Mrs. Mayberry] Getting shot was the best thing to happen to her.
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[female reporter] You’re a hero!
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You’re a hero, girl!
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My momma’s a hero.
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She is a hero.
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Ugh, Ugh, Ugh, you’re a hero.
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You’re a heroooooooo!
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You’re a hero!
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Ho, ho, hohh you’re a hero.
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She is not a hero!
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Mhm, yeah ok, yep, my thoughts exactly.
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Moxxie stop shaking,
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you’re gonna shoot our only Hellhound.
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Wow, I feel so loved here.
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Just take a deep breath,
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[inhales] and let it out.
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But…it’s a family.
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Under what circumstances would ever need to kill a human family?
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I mean, if that’s what the client wants…
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Maybe like a shitty dad... or a mob family, that’s understandable.
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But to eradicate an entire innocent,
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seemingly in this instance,
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upper middle class family bloodline?!
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Hey, you don’t know they’re innocent!
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This kid probably sets dogs on fire.
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Maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online.
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And this guy,
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this guy definitely watches.
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Exactly!
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Humans are full of secret nasties.
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It’s why so many of them end up here.
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But--
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Guilty and innocent aren’t our business, Moxx.
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Killin’ who we’re paid to is our business.
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Shoot the target.
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I just think it’s a bit excessive,
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and we could be a bit more selective, is all.
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Guys, I want you to meet
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our newest client!
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DAMMIT MOXXIE! I just bought those eels!
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Bye!
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And don’t worry, we’ll get that skank
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in less than 24 hours or your first kill is freeeeeee!
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When did we start implementing that deal?
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When you set fire to my office in front of a client,
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you fucking dick shit!
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Now someone please tell me that fancy book is still intact!
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You mean, our only ticket to the other side?
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Yeah, got it.
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And that’s why you’re my favorite Loony,
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you get a tweat now.
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Ew, stop.
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You’re so gross!
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Aww, stop it.
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I get enough of that from my therapist.
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Now let’s go lick some ass!
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The expression is kick some ass... Blitz.
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Mine’s better.
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Awww… fuck.
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[stealthy grunge rock music plays]
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That’s gotta be her.
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[slyly laughing] This is too easy.
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Moxxie, do you want this one?
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Me?
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Yeah, this one’s simple enough for you to handle.
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Just a happy mother who just got out of the hospital.
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Snooze you lose, Mox.
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And... I got ya bitch.
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Wait, are we actually killing a family?
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No don’t be a puss, we’re just killing a mother.
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We’re ruining a family.
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But, ho-hold on, hold on, let’s just think about thi—
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[gunshot]
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[gasp]
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What was that, Ralphie?
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I don’t know Martha,
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but whatever it is,
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they’re gonna be ‘morrow night’s dinner.
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All right kids, guns out!
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[Ralphie] Looks like we got some rabbits to catch, youngins.
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[Ralphie evilly laughing]
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What the fuck was that Moxxie?
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[exhale like a frog being strangled to death]
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I’m sorry, they just seemed so
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wholesome and happy, I panicked.
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Oh, who the fuck is innocent Moxxie?
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From the moment of birth,
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you’re already a parasite,
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leeching off your mama’s tits,
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get the fuck over yourself you baby dick prude—
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OW, A NEW HOLE!
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SCATTER!
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[suspenseful music plays]
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Where’d ya go little critter?
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Y’all can’t hide long from me!
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[intense fight music and noises]
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[bottle smash and screech]
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[Moxxie coming to, groaning]
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[eerie, suspenseful music plays]
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[children growl]
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Oh, well hello little ones.
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Aren’t you cute?
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It’s nice having a new critter to play with.
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Oh...
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crumbs.
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[gunshots]
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[gunshots and evil laughter]
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[intense suspenseful music plays]
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[Martha] I know you’re hurtin’ little devil.
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I promise, I can make that pain go real quick.
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Just come let momma Martha
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put a bullet in your pretty little skull.
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[Hellish screaming ringtone]
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Dammit.
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Stolas this is a really bad time.
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[coos] When isn’t it a bad time, Blitzy?
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[Blitzø] What is it?
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I’ve been meaning to follow up on our last
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little conversation regarding my grimoire.
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[Blitzø] What did you just call me?
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My book, Blitzy.
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The book I was given to do my job,
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that I have allowed you to use to do yours.
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[shotgun racks]
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[Martha] I can hear you, darlin’!
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Shit!
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[tsk] Anywho, I have been thinking.
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You know I have been permitting you to
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access the mortal realm less than,
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legally for some time now.
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But I do need it back to fulfill my duties.
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I was thinking, what if we…
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worked out some kind of exchange;
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favors for favors.
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[Stolas] Doesn’t that sound… enticing?
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Gotta stop using your fancy-ass rich people talk, ok?
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I’m trying to concentrate on not getting fucked in my A.
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[Stolas] Then let me keep it simple.
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Once a month on the full moon,
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you return the book to me,
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followed by a night of
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passionate fornication.
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Aaaand you get to keep it
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all the rest of the time, hm?
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Sound fair, my little imp?
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Fine, whatever!
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[Stolas] Oh Blitz, I’m so excited!
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I cannot wait to feel your slimy c**k
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inside of my *** and lubed up--
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Got ya, so you’re a little devil, huh?
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[horny Stolas continues on phone]
225
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Come to drag me and my kin to Hell?
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Well, not today, Satan!
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Gonna send y’all back where you came from!
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[struggling against bondage noises]
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[bell tolls]
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Millie!
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[more struggling noises]
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[panting and running]
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[evil laughing and gasoline splashing]
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[suspenseful eerie music returns]
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I had that fucking shot, goddammit Moxxie!
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Satan we return your filthy creatures
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back to the pits of Hell!
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May the root of evil remain honored
239
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as we continue thy work!
240
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[evil sniggering as flames erupt]
241
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Yeah…that’s not exactly how it works lady.
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Sorry, your fire doesn’t really hurt us,
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but I mean, I could fake it if that’ll get your dick hard.
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Oh, shit.
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Well… I’ll just shoot you in your smart ass mouths.
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That would be more effective.
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Blitz!
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[laughing as shotgun racks]
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[gunshot]
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Moxxie!
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You’re not getting your goddamn
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paycheck for this one, Mox.
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Oh yeah thanks, I’m fine.
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I’m sorry, sir.
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I compromised our objective,
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and put us in harms way;
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It won’t happen again,
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I promise.
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Apology accepted,
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[whispering] but if you ever pull a stunt like this again,
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I will fuck you and your wife.
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Allllrighty, job well done!
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Now let’s get off.
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Ehhh... yeah give me a moment,
265
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,700
I need to get something I left at the house.
266
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:21,900
Ok, fine, but hurry up.
267
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,200
Loona, we’re ready to come home, dear.
268
00:11:27,450 --> 00:11:33,250
[horny Stolas on phone still talking]
269
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:36,100
Don’t move.
270
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,800
What are you gonna do, little guy?
271
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:39,900
Kill us?
272
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,100
I should, you people are monsters.
273
00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:46,400
But, you should have a chance at a life, and a purpose.
274
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,450
Look at your children, they have
275
00:11:48,450 --> 00:11:50,450
their whole future ahead of them.
276
00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:53,850
You are going to face your crimes justly.
277
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:56,300
I will call your Earthly authorities,
278
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:59,500
and they will make sure you are dealt with, fairly.
279
00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:02,000
I’m handling this my way.
280
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:04,700
Oh shit, uh,
281
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:08,100
do you have a phone to summon 9-1-1?
282
00:12:08,100 --> 00:12:09,100
Yeah, it’s in the kitchen.
283
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:10,850
Then, what is this for?
284
00:12:10,950 --> 00:12:12,450
It’s a universal remote,
285
00:12:12,450 --> 00:12:13,800
got it for the kids.
286
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:14,600
Awwww.
287
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,800
There he is, have a good wank off session, Moxxie?
288
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:19,700
Excuse me?
289
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,200
Look I don’t care where you cum in the living world,
290
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,900
just come to your job on time, alright?
291
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:24,900
See you in the office!
292
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,500
You doin’ ok sweety?
293
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:28,900
Better now honey,
294
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,000
I think I just needed a minute to process.
295
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:33,200
You have a good heart honey,
296
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,300
just a fuzzy head.
297
00:12:38,850 --> 00:12:40,750
[police chatter and vehicles]
298
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:57,600
Did you see my little Moxx-Moxx, he did it!
299
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:58,850
Oh Moxxie!
300
00:12:58,950 --> 00:13:01,150
Well, here’s to another mission accomplished,
301
00:13:01,150 --> 00:13:04,550
and Moxxie finally learned not to fuck up.
302
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:07,050
And killing people isn’t that big a deal
303
00:13:07,150 --> 00:13:08,650
if they try to kill you back!
304
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,400
That’s messed up, but I paid for it!
305
00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:15,300
Yeah, fuck that family!
306
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000
Cya in Hell,
NORD.