- Welcome
to the Mayor's office.
You're just in time
to meet everyone
before we head home
to our loving families.
Plus, my mom's
new boyfriend, Blandon.
This guy who's disgusted
by my sandwich is Tommy,
our Chief Strategist.
- Why does it smell like
maple syrup plus hospital?
- And this woman over here
who's dressed like
she's gonna teach us about
jungle birds at Busch Gardens
is our Deputy Mayor, Arpi.
- I don't high-five anymore.
It appropriates pimp culture.
- In that office is Chief
of Staff, Mikaela,
up to some important
city biz no doubt.
- I just feel like there is
a lack of transparency
over how transparent
your leggings are.
- Ooh, and
this delicious silver fox
is the main man himself,
Mayor Neil Bremer.
It's the most wonderful time
of the year, sir.
- Oh, for me
that's the Buick classic.
But this is pretty good, too.
- And who am I?
Well, I'm just
little old Jayden,
and I make the sweet filling
for the Mayor's piehole.
I'm his
Communications Director.
- Seems like
a real fun ensemble.
Where do you want this?
- Happy holidays from LA!
[bright music]
*
- So do you think this'll be
a half-day or what?
- Oh, of course,
I mean, it's bad enough
the Mayor made us come in
on LA Christmas Eve.
- Christmas Eve?
It's the 22nd.
- Yeah, exactly, it's the three
to seven days before Christmas
when everyone leaves to go
celebrate someplace human.
- What?
LA Christmas is the best.
Everyone's all bundled up
in light sweaters
sitting on sexy Santa's lap
at the Beverly Center.
- No, thank you.
Hey, if my flight's at 4:00,
when should I leave for LAX?
- Do you have TSA PreCheck?
Oh, honey,
you're gonna die here.
- But if I miss that flight,
I have no backup plan.
Please, hot Filipino Jesus,
don't let me spend
Christmas in Los Angeles.
- Hey, look, I know
this isn't the first place
that everyone thinks of
when they think Christmas,
but it's because LA doesn't
have a good Christmas song,
which is why I have been
working on one for 15 years.
It's halfway done.
- Oh, you don't have
to sing it.
- Oh, are you--okay.
- * There's no snow in sight
* Say the weather folks
* And it's hard as a crotch
out in Sherman Oaks *
- Nuh-uh.
- Gonna be a no from me, dawg.
- Why are you all still here?
- Have we been released?
- No, what's the Mayor
waiting for?
- Oh, dear God,
this is a disaster.
- What?
- The gifts I ordered my staff
are delayed in transit.
- Why can't people just
get them when they get back?
- And think that I'm a chiseler
who bought them on sale
on the 26th?
No, no, no way.
You know, it's really hard
to be a wealthy person
this time of year.
- Dad, no.
- Everybody expects a gift.
Your staff, your housekeepers,
your masseuse, your pool guy,
the pool guy's son
who's just sort of around
once December starts.
- His name is Raphael,
and he's a grout artist.
- I know,
and I got him a cashmere beret.
When I was growing up, I didn't
get anything at Christmas.
- Because your family's Jewish.
- But also poor.
Oh, I spent so much time
and money getting everyone
monogrammed garment bags,
and now they're
not gonna make it.
- Monogrammed garment bags?
I'm not getting one, am I?
- Hey, sorry to interrupt,
but can either of you think
of a Christmassy word
that rhymes with horchata?
- Not now, Jayden.
- A little bent,
but I'll try it.
- Now I gotta get
something else here.
- People don't want
more things.
An experience is
way more meaningful,
like how we all went to Vegas
for Ceviche's birthday.
- Vegas?
When was that?
- Disney, Dad, better turn
your hearing thing up.
- An experience?
You know something?
That's helpful.
Thank you.
- No, Spirit Airlines.
The one time I need you
to be trash, you're on time?
- Hey, so if you end up
getting stuck here,
you're totally welcome
to pretend to be bi
and say you're my boyfriend
at my parents' house.
- What?
No.
- I can't take another
Christmas Eve
where I'm the only single adult
in my family.
I want someone to make
snide comments with
or kiss under the mistletoe,
our breath rich
with Andes mints and ham.
- Sorry, but I'm catching
my flight to PA,
and then I'm going to the Wawa
where "Mare of Easttown"
and my cousin Nico were shot.
- Oh, great.
Now this dill weed, Patrick,
City Council's videographer.
- Okay, tension.
- Of course, I'm tense.
That guy's the worst.
- Really?
He's giving me
sad Pa Ingalls vibes,
like after Mary goes blind.
I'm into it.
- There's definitely an energy
between you.
Like, you're the two
hottest people
at a Rite Aid, and you know it.
- No, man,
he's always been rude to me.
The day I got sworn
into City Council, I asked him
for a copy of the video,
and he told me he lost it.
And this is back when the tapes
were, like, this big, liar.
- Hey, does anyone have
a festive rhyme
for "Pink's Hot Dogs"?
- Twink's eggnogs.
- I am telling you Arpi,
this is the holiday romance
that we all need,
and I am gonna prove it to you.
- Stop pointing at him.
- Ms. Shaw, Department
of Transportation on line one.
- Oh, great, thanks.
Maybe they wanna French me
in my childhood bedroom.
- Everybody, I have
an announcement to make.
My personal gifts for you
will not be arriving
in time for the holidays.
So stick around because
I have a new gift coming,
an experience.
- Sir, a little issue,
you know how people here
dump their trees
on the curb by December 22nd
because everyone leaves because
LA Christmas is the worst?
- Yeah, no kidding.
- Well, apparently
the Santa Ana winds
are blowing the discarded trees
onto roads
and causing some
pretty severe traffic problems.
- Aha, see, that's what
messed up my garment bags.
- Oh no, we're getting
garment bags?
- Disgusting,
you know how many Angelenos
can't even afford
a Christmas tree
while rich scum
just throw them away.
- Okay, well,
you know, some rich scum
are doing their best.
Tommy, call sanitation, handle
this before you leave, please.
*
- Excuse me, Tommy Tomás
from the Mayor's office.
I couldn't find
anyone upstairs.
- Well, yeah, 'cause all
the bosses are gone already.
- Well, Cesar.
- Oh, good job reading
my name tag.
- We need teams dispatched ASAP
to remove discarded
Christmas trees.
- Yo, I saw that on the news.
Cars were bonking
like Mario Kart.
We can get some guys out,
but we're gonna need
quadruple overtime
for working on Christmas.
- But it's the 22nd.
- Yeah, which is LA
Christmas Eve.
All my best guys
are gone already.
They're in Tulum, Kauai,
Jackson Hole.
- Boy,
you guys make more than me.
- I'm down to my skeleton crew,
which is what I call my guys
with the weakest arms.
- Oh.
- If you want
the big boys back,
we're gonna need that quad.
- No, I can't authorize quad.
[phone buzzes]
Sir, the Mayor is not asking.
He's telling you
to do your jobs.
- And what am I supposed to do
with all those Christmas trees?
- I don't care where
you put them.
Just put them.
*
- I knew it.
- What?
It's just work.
- No, it's not.
All your footage is of Arpi.
This is the Keira Knightley
story in "Love Actually,"
the greatest
Christmas rom-com ever.
- No, "Elf."
- I told Arpi, I saw the way
you looked at her.
I knew it was love.
- Arpi knows who I am?
- Hey, you can't just sit here
pining after her.
Do something.
Learn Portuguese.
- What?
- I don't know.
Colin Firth does that.
I'm just excited.
- Whoa, my pine-scented candle
is getting it done.
Oh, wait, no,
it's all those Christmas trees.
- What the hell is this?
- Is it Christmas magic?
Wait, has anyone run into
a mysterious new janitor
that may or may not be Santa?
- Oh, come on, Sanitation.
You're dumping the trees here?
Hey, tell your boss, this is
like a baby saying curse words,
not cute, not funny.
.
- Every Christmas,
the office empties out,
and I get real work done.
When are you letting
these turkeys go home?
- As soon as I dazzle everyone
with my generosity.
Do you like this time of year?
- Part of it, pfeffernuesse,
that Mariah Carey song,
"Touch My Body."
- It really stresses me out.
I feel like
I'm never doing enough.
- That's because you've bought
into the consumer's perversion
of the Christian rip-off
of a pagan
solstice celebration.
- Okay, road closed, withdrawn.
- Arpi, a Christmas miracle
is happening.
The footage, Patrick's footage.
It's all you.
He's, like, obsessed with you.
- I'll call security.
- No, no, Arpi,
don't you get it?
You're in a Christmas rom-com.
- What's Christmas got
to do with romance?
There's nothing romantic
about pushing out a baby
in a donkey stall.
- All I've ever wanted my whole
post-puberty life
was to be in love at Christmas.
And if we are
in a "Love Actually,"
I'm, like,
lucky if I'm the woman trying
to steal Snape
from Emma Thompson.
I have nothing, Arpi.
I need you
to take this seriously.
Patrick is in love with you,
and now you get
to do what Keira Knightley
couldn't pull off
back in the day.
And I don't mean low-rise
jeans with a bralette.
- I just want the office
to myself so I can work,
and now I'm dealing
with this moon-eyed nonsense?
- Yes, yes, a million times.
Yes.
- Whoa, hey, stop!
Why are you doing this?
- Hey, you told me
you didn't care
where we put the trees, so...
[whistles]
- Come on, man.
We're in the same boat here.
Look, I will figure out how
to get you double overtime.
Deal?
- All right, deal,
my new friend, Tommy.
- Glad to hear it,
my new friend...
Oh, God,
what's his name?
I know it's a kind of salad.
Caprese.
- Caprese, what the hell?
And I remembered his name.
- Not cool.
[soft music]
- Hey, everyone,
gather around please,
and prepare yourself
for the mind-blowing mentalism
of Mr. Taryn DiGiacomo.
Ha!
Okay, now you may
have seen Taryn's
incredible streaming special,
"Mind Jacker: Wondermind,"
or if you were like me,
you had the privilege
of seeing him work up close
and personal at Eric Schmidt's
60th birthday party.
- Why would I have been there?
- Linda,
I don't know your life.
Anyway, I was able
to book him last minute
to perform for us today.
It's--well,
it's my gift to you.
And you'll still be getting
the monogrammed garment bags
sometime in the new year.
- Monogrammed?
I can't re-gift that.
- The heart is a muscle.
The brain is a muscle.
- Not true.
- The more I use my heart,
the more my brain
can know about you.
You sir, how many meals
have you had today?
- One.
- And how many wings
do birds have?
- Nine.
- And how old
would you say I am?
- Oh, that feels like a trap.
- Hmm, is this the address
of your childhood home?
- Yes, can I get on a plane
and go there now, please?
*
- "You should have gotten
TSA PreCheck."
- You see, it's magic,
but it's also funny.
All right, just leave.
- You sir, what is your name?
- Guess.
- Well, you're too old
to be a Jayden.
- Oh, my gosh,
you're exactly right, I am.
This guy is
the real deal, folks.
- Also, your heart didn't beat
that entire time.
I'd get that checked out.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
"Because it's LA Christmas,
and at Christmas,
you tell the truth."
- What?
That's not a thing.
- "I have loved you from afar,
"but you always felt so close
because of my zoom lens."
- Oh, brudder.
- No, this happens to
Keira Knightley in the movie.
- The guy holds signs
at close range like this?
- So her husband
won't hear, yes.
- Why doesn't he need
just whisper?
Why risk getting caught holding
a stack of incriminating signs?
- Hey, guys, quiet.
He's about to guess
Orly's favorite restaurant?
- Is it Matsuhisa Aspen?
- Yeah, but isn't that
everyone's favorite restaurant?
Sorry, I hear it.
*
- Damn you, Cobb.
- I'm getting corn, or masa.
Look at your phone.
[phone chimes]
- She just got a text.
Right when he said that.
- It's my grandchildren
making tamales.
Usually, I'm there by now.
Can I go?
- Yeah, once the sad guy
says things to us,
are we allowed to go?
- No because he does
a really cool thing
with everyone at the end
that's gonna make us
all feel connected.
Taryn, what's next, buddy?
- Intermission.
Do you have
to take the intermission?
.
[soft music]
- Hello, Taryn.
- Oh, I'm kind of
on a break now.
- Okay, well, you're not
a very good mentalist.
You don't remember
that we matched
a couple years ago on Bumble,
and then you never answered.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, here's another chance.
My family does
this Christmas thing.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I met someone on there,
and we're married now.
She's a retired ballerina.
Her breasts got too large
to continue dancing.
- Oh, well, good for you.
Best wishes.
One more thing,
will I find love
in the coming year?
- I'm not a psychic.
I'm a mentalist.
But just like, as a person,
I will say you
vibrate desperation.
- Oh, thank you
for your feedback.
- Happy holidays.
- Mikaela, wait.
You were right.
I'm gonna go for it
with Patrick
because love is possible.
- Arpi, yes, yes, run to him!
Run as fast
as your bone density allows.
[dramatic music]
- Why are you being
so mean to me?
I thought we were friends.
- Me too, bro.
And you didn't
even know my name.
Now you're gonna know it.
'Cause it's spelled out
on your car in pine sap.
[phone buzzes]
- Well, I just
missed my flight.
I hope you're happy.
All I wanted to do
was get home to my Lola,
sit on her
plastic-covered couch,
and eat bebinca together,
and this was my last chance.
She's not dying, I just plan
on doing keto in the new year.
- Nah, nah, nah.
I'm the mean character here.
Okay, I hate Christmas time
because in this time of giving,
nobody ever thinks about us.
We're invisible elves.
Just one day, one day,
I'd like to feel like Santa.
- Yeah, well,
I might have an idea
that would make being in LA
for Christmas
slightly less than terrible
and let you be Santa.
[upbeat music]
- Patrick, wait!
There's a woman
watching us right now
for that building behind us.
That woman thinks everything
you did today was romantic
because she's been brainwashed
by some British people.
What you did today is
not romantic, it's weird.
And "Love Actually" sounds like
a deeply problematic movie.
One of the stories
is Bilbo Baggins
shooting a porno on Christmas.
- But, Arpi,
I just wanna film you forever.
- Listen to yourself, man.
Look, I hate all of this,
but I care deeply
about my friend up there,
and I want her to believe that
love actually exists actually,
so this is for her.
*
Now I'm gonna whisper a list
of free mental health resources
available through city funding
because you need serious help.
*
- I don't really work here.
- [sighs]
- Leslie, eyes on Taryn.
- Okay, listen.
Tough love right now.
Dad, you're bad at gifts.
- What?
What about that beautiful
candelabra I got you?
- I was nine and not Liberace.
And don't bring up
the dollhouse when you said
I couldn't touch it
because it was an antique
that had belonged
to French royalty.
- Because it did.
And you shouldn't.
- You're super generous,
but Christmas makes you weird.
Just let all these people
go home.
- The queen of diamonds
is in your mouth, sir.
- Oh, hey.
All right, there Taryn.
Thank you so much.
That'll be enough.
All right, everybody,
go on home.
[cheers and applause]
But you know what?
You all are ungrateful.
Do you have any idea
how much time I spent
picking the monogram fonts
on those garment bags?
I found out all
of your middle names!
Yeah, Anna, Anna, Eduardo,
Anna, Moon-system.
But you don't appreciate that!
And yes, it stinks
to be poor at Christmas.
No one wants to hear this,
but it really stinks
for millionaires.
- Okay, thanks for watching--
- It does.
- Don't forget
to smash that like button.
- Tell you what?
Go on, go home.
Seriously, go on.
Get out of here.
Take these stupid trees
with you.
[dramatic music]
*
- Not me,
I don't do fire stuff.
- My words, my beautiful words!
- Oh, no.
- My song is gone,
and I never got to sing it.
- Jayden, I am so sorry.
- You've made a fool out of me.
And you've made the life
I lead foolish, too.
.
- [gasps]
I told you,
love is all around us.
- You were right, and now
Patrick and I are lovers.
Thanks.
- Hey, Arpi, can I talk
to you for a minute?
I feel like I've ruined
everyone's Christmas.
- Yes, sir.
What's your question?
- Why am I so terrible at this?
Every year I go all out.
I try to dazzle people.
- Well, there it is.
You're trying to show off,
instead of thinking about
what people really want.
You know what
I just gave Mikaela?
I kissed a weirdo
because that's what she needed.
Giving a good gift isn't
about what you want.
It's about
what the recipient wants.
- Of course.
Oh, my God, it's like sex.
Why haven't I ever connected
this before?
- Probably because it's
mostly a holiday for children.
- No, but I get it.
I really get it.
Hey, everyone, hey, listen up.
I am sorry that I made today
about me
instead of about your pleasure.
- Oh, gross, sir,
but we all forgive you.
- Thanks, Tommy,
yeah, not Jayden.
I destroyed his Christmas song.
No amount of money
is gonna bring that back.
- Wait, can you call
Taryn DiGiacomo?
I mean, maybe he can--
- Use his mental powers
to guess the lost lyrics?
Yes, I'm still here
because my Lyft canceled
because traffic's a mess.
- Flag on the play.
No one goes home.
- Damn it, man.
- Hey, can you do that?
Can you mentalize
Jayden's song back?
- Again, I'm not a psychic.
I just read body language.
Okay, some of what I do
involves hiding microphones
in bathrooms,
but I did not do that here
because it was
too short notice.
- How are you married
and I'm not?
- What I do do is thin-slice
people by asking questions.
For example,
if the guy was here,
I would ask, "Jayden,
what's your favorite color?"
all: Yellow.
- 'Cause minions.
- Jayden, what's a three-digit
number that's important to you?
All: Seven, eight, nine.
- It's why six is
afraid of seven.
Boy, we know that kid
really well, don't we?
- You know what?
Maybe I can do this.
Maybe Taryn DiGiacomo
can finally prove
to his father
that mentalism is a valued--
- Taryn, you're not
the main character.
Orly, get some paper.
[soft music]
- Stop prank knocking!
I know you're retired,
but you have to find
a new hobby, Mrs. Chen!
- Jayden, we've got
something for you.
- * There's no snow in sight
say the weather folks *
* It's still hot as a crotch
out in Sherman Oaks *
* But the fires have died and
there's a little less smoke *
* Now it's Christmas in LA
* There's no Jack Frost
nipping your redone nose *
* But no one will ask
why your forehead's froze *
* And that filler sure
makes your cheekbones glow *
* Yes, it's Christmas in LA
[together]
* In LA
- * There's a fistfight
at the Trader Joe's on Vine *
* And a pileup on the ten
* They found a human head
by the Hollywood sign *
* It's Christmas Eve again
[together]
* Eve again
[soft music]
- Is that your song?
- No, but I loved
every word of it.
*
- * We may not have ice skates
or sleds that soar *
* But we've got horchata
and Pauly Shore *
* Grab a Pink's hot dog
* Drink a twink's eggnog,
for its Christmastime LA *
* It may not be the ushe,
but if I can choose *
* I'd still spend my Christmas
here with you *
*
- It's ashing!
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!