1 00:00:04,091 --> 00:00:06,006 - It's "Mayor Chat" 2 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,398 with your hosts, Chet Danville 3 00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:09,400 and Grover Sepulveda. 4 00:00:09,444 --> 00:00:10,880 - It's 4:00 a.m., Monday morning. 5 00:00:10,923 --> 00:00:12,142 I'm Chet Danville. 6 00:00:12,186 --> 00:00:14,492 Grover Sepulveda died in 2003. 7 00:00:14,536 --> 00:00:16,277 Joining us today to talk about his push 8 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:17,713 for dedicated bus lanes, 9 00:00:17,756 --> 00:00:20,585 the 43rd mayor of L.A., the Honorable Neil Bremer. 10 00:00:20,629 --> 00:00:22,326 - Thanks, Chet. Why is this live? 11 00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:24,850 - Also joining us is the 42nd mayor of L.A., 12 00:00:24,894 --> 00:00:26,200 Victor Delgado. 13 00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:28,376 - My God. I didn't recognize you. 14 00:00:28,419 --> 00:00:31,683 I--I thought you were an animal expert or something. 15 00:00:31,727 --> 00:00:35,078 - No, more like Princess is an expert on me. 16 00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,080 - So what have you been doing since you left office, Vic? 17 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:39,517 - Self-care, Chet. I've been meditating. 18 00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:41,606 I took a Zoom break, so I wanted to come on 19 00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:44,087 and let all my fellow Angelenos know 20 00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:45,871 that Victor Delgado is... 21 00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,482 almost back to normal. 22 00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,049 - Oh, that's so good to hear. 23 00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:51,486 You served during such a difficult time. 24 00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:53,096 Oh, did I? 25 00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:55,272 Thanks, 'cause I forgot 26 00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,361 about when that lady in Playa del Rey shot me 27 00:00:57,405 --> 00:00:59,407 with a BB gun for handing out masks. 28 00:00:59,450 --> 00:01:00,843 The last time I was on this show, 29 00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:03,193 I was begging people not to drink bleach! 30 00:01:03,237 --> 00:01:05,239 - Or do drink it, but in moderation. 31 00:01:05,282 --> 00:01:06,457 - I know it's a tough job, but-- 32 00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:08,285 - Do you? What have you done? 33 00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:11,114 A straw ban and some scooter helmets? 34 00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:13,116 - And eventually, a bus lane. 35 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,378 And that's cool! 36 00:01:14,422 --> 00:01:16,293 Rock bands ride in buses. 37 00:01:16,337 --> 00:01:18,034 - Uh-huh, and how are you gonna pay for that? 38 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,122 The city's broke. 39 00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:21,385 - Chet, I-I think your viewers-- 40 00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:22,952 - Viewer, singular. Helen got Netflix. 41 00:01:22,995 --> 00:01:24,606 - Uh, my point is that 42 00:01:24,649 --> 00:01:27,087 the bus lane will get paid for. 43 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:30,960 If anyone knows how to work a budget, it is me, Neil-- 44 00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:32,744 - It's now 4:02 and that means we're out of time. 45 00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:35,660 Thanks for watching, Steve. Up next, static. 46 00:01:46,193 --> 00:01:47,803 - Hey. 47 00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:48,978 - What are you doing here? 48 00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:51,111 - School's closed. - Closed? For what? 49 00:01:51,154 --> 00:01:52,416 - There was an accident. 50 00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:54,549 Did you not see the official school TikTok? 51 00:01:54,592 --> 00:01:56,725 Some palm tree branches fell and knocked a girl unconscious. 52 00:01:56,768 --> 00:01:58,596 ♪ Down south, hood baby ♪ 53 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,859 ♪ Hood baby make all the girls go crazy ♪ 54 00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,557 ♪ Go, go, go ♪ 55 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,428 - This is how they disseminate important information? 56 00:02:04,472 --> 00:02:07,214 - L.A. is a damn hellscape, 57 00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:09,912 and I am not to blame. 58 00:02:09,955 --> 00:02:13,089 - What--see, those palm trees need to be maintained. 59 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,873 What is her plan to rectify this? 60 00:02:14,917 --> 00:02:17,528 That's what I wanna know. - Um, let me see. 61 00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:20,488 - These palm trees are on city property. 62 00:02:20,531 --> 00:02:23,186 So to everyone attacking me, 63 00:02:23,230 --> 00:02:25,232 um, let's think. 64 00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:28,191 Whose responsibility is this, really? 65 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,801 Uh--oh. 66 00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:32,978 If only someone from the Gregory community 67 00:02:33,022 --> 00:02:34,458 worked for the city. 68 00:02:34,502 --> 00:02:36,286 - Is she talking about me? 69 00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:37,461 - Oh, sarcasm. 70 00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:39,159 What the ancient Greeks called 71 00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:42,379 "dígma orgizménu adrós estí," 72 00:02:42,423 --> 00:02:44,555 the bite of the sassy man. 73 00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,211 - Give me a break, L.A. 74 00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:49,778 ♪ 75 00:02:49,821 --> 00:02:51,736 Hey, Tommy, how much do we spend 76 00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:54,174 to take care of the city's palm trees? 77 00:02:54,217 --> 00:02:55,871 - Oh, uh-- 78 00:02:55,914 --> 00:02:57,351 - $50 million a year, sir. 79 00:02:57,394 --> 00:02:58,830 - 50? Do you have any idea 80 00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:01,485 how many miles of bus lane I could buy with that? 81 00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:03,487 A bunch, I'll bet. 82 00:03:03,531 --> 00:03:05,272 - Sir, I have been trying to call attention 83 00:03:05,315 --> 00:03:07,665 to this topic for years! 84 00:03:07,709 --> 00:03:10,451 Palm trees are not even supposed to be here. 85 00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:11,974 Most of them were planted 86 00:03:12,017 --> 00:03:14,629 for the 1932 Olympics to trick people 87 00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:18,023 into thinking L.A. wasn't a waterless scorpion graveyard. 88 00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:20,678 - So palm trees are expensive, dangerous, 89 00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:22,332 and they shouldn't be here in the first place. 90 00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:24,552 - Like an NFL franchise, sir. 91 00:03:24,595 --> 00:03:28,643 They get tax breaks to build a $5 billion stadium, 92 00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:30,862 but we can't afford housing for the homeless? 93 00:03:30,906 --> 00:03:32,647 Wait. 94 00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:34,126 What was I furious about before? 95 00:03:34,170 --> 00:03:36,085 Eh, it was good. - Palm trees, Arpi. 96 00:03:36,128 --> 00:03:38,957 - Yes! Here's what we do. 97 00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:41,525 Hire the homeless to cut down all the palm trees 98 00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,005 and dump them in the stadium. 99 00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:44,398 - We're not chopping them down, 100 00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:46,617 but the city should be able to share the cost. 101 00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:49,838 - Wow. Bold stand, sir. 102 00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:51,056 I'm being sarcastic, 103 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:52,536 but not when I said I'm being sarcastic. 104 00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:54,930 That was dead serious. - All right. 105 00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:56,018 Good morning. 106 00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:58,412 New agenda item--palm trees. 107 00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:00,240 - Can we replace them all with signs that say 108 00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,285 "we are the virus"? - Okay. 109 00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:03,765 First on the agenda, 110 00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:06,376 someone wrote "Jayden's big announcement" on here. 111 00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:09,379 - I'm gonna be a father! 112 00:04:09,423 --> 00:04:11,512 - Oh, you mean like a Catholic priest? 113 00:04:11,555 --> 00:04:13,035 - Oh, that makes sense. - Oh, now I get it. 114 00:04:13,078 --> 00:04:14,515 Celibacy. - No! 115 00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:18,214 I mean a daddy of a baby! 116 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,085 - Oh. 117 00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:21,522 Wow. Uh... 118 00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:24,089 who's the lucky-- well, the lady? 119 00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,613 - We met at L.A. Comic-Con. 120 00:04:25,656 --> 00:04:28,311 She was working the DC booth dressed as Talia al Ghul. 121 00:04:28,355 --> 00:04:29,878 I was in my Aquaman costume, 122 00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:32,881 so the allure of the forbidden was in the air. 123 00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:35,318 - Well, uh, Jayden, this is wonderful news. 124 00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,929 I'm sure that...Samanthee? 125 00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:40,367 Samanthee will make a terrific mom. 126 00:04:40,410 --> 00:04:41,890 - Yeah! Totally! 127 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,674 She already has all her makeup tattooed on 128 00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:46,155 so she won't have to waste any mommy time on that. 129 00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:47,939 Also, 130 00:04:47,983 --> 00:04:50,115 you're all invited to the baby shower this afternoon. 131 00:04:50,159 --> 00:04:52,596 I don't wanna impose a gender, so the cake will be gray. 132 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,207 - Okay, moving on. Item two, 133 00:04:55,251 --> 00:04:57,122 "everyone hugs Jayden"? 134 00:04:57,166 --> 00:04:59,081 - Absolutely not. - No, we're not doing that. 135 00:04:59,124 --> 00:05:00,822 - You always leave a stain on my shirt. 136 00:05:00,865 --> 00:05:03,912 - There's only one thing I like less than workplace hugs, 137 00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:05,914 and that's not following the agenda. 138 00:05:05,957 --> 00:05:07,524 ♪ 139 00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:14,531 ♪ Renegade, renegade, renegade ♪ 140 00:05:14,575 --> 00:05:16,577 ♪ Let's go ♪ 141 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:19,275 ♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪ 142 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,756 ♪ Ooh, go, go, go ♪ 143 00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:24,106 ♪ Yeah, go, go, go ♪ 144 00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:26,195 - L.A. is a damn hellscape, 145 00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:28,415 and I am not to blame. 146 00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,808 - Are you sure people are gonna understand that? 147 00:05:30,852 --> 00:05:32,375 There's a lot going on. 148 00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,986 - Well, it is trending under "dad bod fail." 149 00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:39,339 - Sir, Victoria Santos from the Chamber of Commerce is calling. 150 00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:41,776 - Ah, thank you. I should take this. 151 00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:43,125 Ms. Santos. 152 00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:45,170 - Mr. Mayor, if you're gonna screw me like this, 153 00:05:45,214 --> 00:05:46,433 at least buy me dinner first. 154 00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:47,912 Then, get my husband out of the house 155 00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:49,610 and put on a movie for my kids, 156 00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,438 one they can all agree on, 157 00:05:51,481 --> 00:05:52,787 so good luck with that. 158 00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:54,179 - Vicki, if this is about the TikTok, 159 00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:57,226 I hate it too, but we do have a problem here. 160 00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:59,402 - Yeah, you're trying to take away our palm trees. 161 00:05:59,446 --> 00:06:01,143 - No, no, no one's trying to take away-- 162 00:06:01,186 --> 00:06:02,971 - Palm trees symbolize this city! 163 00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:04,625 We have countless local businesses 164 00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,278 with "palm" in their names. 165 00:06:06,322 --> 00:06:08,193 - Look, those trees are a menace, 166 00:06:08,237 --> 00:06:10,195 but I have to pay $50 million a year 167 00:06:10,239 --> 00:06:11,545 to keep them here. 168 00:06:11,588 --> 00:06:12,894 So if your buddies want them, 169 00:06:12,937 --> 00:06:14,809 they gotta pay to maintain them. 170 00:06:14,852 --> 00:06:16,158 - They'll never go for that. 171 00:06:16,201 --> 00:06:17,551 - Bring them in. Bring them all in. 172 00:06:17,594 --> 00:06:19,509 Let's have a meeting. - Your funeral. 173 00:06:19,553 --> 00:06:22,338 - We'll be at the 18th hole of the Brentwood Country Club. 174 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,645 They're gonna use my ashes to make a golf ball, 175 00:06:24,688 --> 00:06:27,387 and Phil Mickelson's gonna hit a drive at sunset. 176 00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:29,214 This will be nothing like that. 177 00:06:30,912 --> 00:06:32,174 - Sir, somebody changed the password 178 00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,436 to the city's TikTok account. 179 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,308 - Where are you getting the costumes? 180 00:06:39,486 --> 00:06:41,662 - Okay, there's no way that guy's 181 00:06:41,705 --> 00:06:43,359 actually gonna be a father. 182 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,883 - Wait, do you not believe Samanthee, a fellow woman? 183 00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:47,232 - Oh. - Hey. 184 00:06:47,276 --> 00:06:49,931 Do one of you guys have, like, a coat hanger? 185 00:06:49,974 --> 00:06:51,323 Or hands? 186 00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:54,370 - So, Jayden, have you and Samanthee 187 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:58,069 discussed the, um, legalities of your situation? 188 00:06:58,113 --> 00:07:00,332 - Oh, well, I offered to marry her, 189 00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:01,943 obviously, but she didn't wanna-- 190 00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:03,292 ♪ Put a ring on it ♪ 191 00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:04,902 - That is not how that song goes. 192 00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,034 - What song? Anyway, 193 00:07:06,077 --> 00:07:07,209 I'm fine with whatever she wants. 194 00:07:07,252 --> 00:07:08,906 I'm just so psyched to be a dad, 195 00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:10,778 you know, like my hero, my dad. 196 00:07:10,821 --> 00:07:11,953 - But there are some real things 197 00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:13,302 that you guys need to work out. 198 00:07:13,345 --> 00:07:15,043 Like what about visitation? 199 00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:17,262 Or, um, grandparents' rights to see the kid? 200 00:07:17,306 --> 00:07:19,613 - Oh, my grandparents are either all dead or estranged. 201 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:20,918 - No, he means your parents. 202 00:07:20,962 --> 00:07:22,354 - My parents can see me whenever they want, 203 00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:23,921 just not together. - Oh, boy. 204 00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:25,923 Um, Jayden, you need to get a lawyer. 205 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,359 - Okay, well, you're a lawyer, right? 206 00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:28,709 - Well, I-- - Yes! 207 00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:29,971 Tommy would be happy to help 208 00:07:30,014 --> 00:07:31,886 because maybe Samanthee could come by 209 00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:33,670 and we could meet Samanthee. 210 00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:35,977 Get a sense of her deal, 211 00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:37,369 maybe play two truths and a lie. 212 00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:40,851 - Yes, that is a very good idea. 213 00:07:40,895 --> 00:07:42,462 - Game night! I'll text Samanthee 214 00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:44,333 and see if she can get time off from the hospital tonight. 215 00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,856 She gives blood, like, every day. 216 00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:50,165 ♪ 217 00:07:50,208 --> 00:07:51,862 - Following up on the palm trees, sir. 218 00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:54,996 I found a guy who's willing to donate axes to the homeless. 219 00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:58,695 And I've got the perfect native replacement flora, milkweed! 220 00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:01,437 Boy, oh, boy, do wasps love it. 221 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,612 ♪ 222 00:08:04,919 --> 00:08:06,790 - Hey, 223 00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:10,098 let me ask you a question. 224 00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:12,753 How do I not invite somebody to something 225 00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:14,276 without them finding out? 226 00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,800 - You don't. You have to invite everyone. 227 00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:18,802 We do tons of workshops in school about this. 228 00:08:18,846 --> 00:08:20,717 - School is teaching you that? 229 00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:23,198 - Exclusion is a form of relational aggression. 230 00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:24,460 - Oh, come on. 231 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,549 A little exclusion builds character. 232 00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:28,551 - I assume you're trying to exclude Jayden, 233 00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:31,467 but it's not his fault. Most TikToks are bad. 234 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,990 - It doesn't matter who the person is. 235 00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:34,252 I just need this meeting to go well. 236 00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:37,255 - Dad, exclusion always backfires. 237 00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:38,866 Do you remember what happened in seventh grade 238 00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:41,564 when Olivia P. didn't invite Olivia S. to a bowling party? 239 00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,914 - There are too many Olivias to keep track of. 240 00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:46,351 - We were at SkyBowl, just talking and having a good time, 241 00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:48,223 but Olivia P. was mad because none of us 242 00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:49,833 were taking the bowling seriously. 243 00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,618 - Yep, I'm following this. 244 00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,663 - Then, Olivia S. showed up with her parents 245 00:08:53,707 --> 00:08:56,797 in the next lane, and she went totally psycho. 246 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,407 - Got it. Psycho. 247 00:08:58,450 --> 00:09:00,452 - She started screaming that she was gonna tell Ms. Adams, 248 00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,063 so Olivia P. panicked and was like, 249 00:09:02,106 --> 00:09:03,804 "No, this isn't my birthday party. 250 00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:05,501 We're on a bowling team." 251 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,677 So we had to pretend to be the middle school bowling team 252 00:09:07,721 --> 00:09:09,374 and bowl so much. 253 00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,028 And they never brought the cake out, 254 00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:14,162 and they sent us the gift bags in the mail, and by that time, 255 00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:16,338 the gerbils were dead. - Ooh! 256 00:09:16,381 --> 00:09:18,340 - It's like Ms. Adams always raps, 257 00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,647 "Ditch the 'tude. Don't exclude." 258 00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:21,822 - Oh, boy. 259 00:09:21,865 --> 00:09:24,607 Ms. Adams should not be rapping, right? 260 00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:26,391 - No, it's really bad. 261 00:09:26,435 --> 00:09:27,741 - Yeah, even I know that. 262 00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:30,004 - Book a room at the Y. I'll do an ax seminar 263 00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:31,527 for the homeless. Then, 264 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:34,138 we seize the Ram's stadium by eminent domain, 265 00:09:34,182 --> 00:09:35,575 fill it with dead palm trees, 266 00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:38,447 then sell the mulch. Yes! 267 00:09:41,058 --> 00:09:43,626 - This building's tall, like Vegas! 268 00:09:43,670 --> 00:09:46,194 - Sure. Um, so we just have 269 00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:48,065 some standard documents to go over. 270 00:09:48,109 --> 00:09:50,328 - But first of all, congratulations. 271 00:09:50,372 --> 00:09:51,721 - I know, right? 272 00:09:51,765 --> 00:09:54,506 The timing on this baby thing is, like, perfect. 273 00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,291 - Oh, the timing is? 274 00:09:56,334 --> 00:09:58,162 - I just found out you have to have a license 275 00:09:58,206 --> 00:10:00,425 to make CBD dog food out of your home, 276 00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:01,775 but you don't need a license 277 00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:05,082 for cute internet kid videos. Ah! 278 00:10:05,126 --> 00:10:07,519 Plus, if I have it at a theme park, 279 00:10:07,563 --> 00:10:09,826 lawsuit. 280 00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,654 - And just to cross all of our Ts here, 281 00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:14,004 you and Mr. Kwapis have confirmed his paternity? 282 00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:16,572 - No, a woman knows. Right, Mystique? 283 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,661 - Oh, it's Mikaela, actually. - Mikaela? 284 00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,358 I don't know. You look like a Mystique. 285 00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:23,187 Anyway, I know it's not any of those other guys. 286 00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,538 - Oh, no, coffee. 287 00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:27,757 Here it comes. Look out, accident! 288 00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:31,761 - Oh, no, the paperwork. We have to redo it. 289 00:10:31,805 --> 00:10:33,458 - Not the paperwork. 290 00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:36,418 Will you come back when we redo the paperwork? 291 00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,463 - Sure. I'll just go lay out. 292 00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:40,335 I'm tanning for two. 293 00:10:40,378 --> 00:10:43,338 Mm! 294 00:10:43,381 --> 00:10:44,731 - Jayden. 295 00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:46,515 - I'm so sorry about the papers, guys. 296 00:10:46,558 --> 00:10:48,691 I didn't mean to. - You didn't? 297 00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:50,780 You naturally said, "Oh, no, coffee. 298 00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:52,564 Here it comes. Look out, accident"? 299 00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:53,696 - Yeah, why? 300 00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:55,219 - But you heard what she said about 301 00:10:55,263 --> 00:10:57,700 being with other guys, right? - So? 302 00:10:57,744 --> 00:10:59,136 I mean, it's not like we're exclusive. 303 00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:01,225 You guys remember Emily from the Dodgers? 304 00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:03,793 I'm not one to kiss and tell, but we hugged. 305 00:11:03,837 --> 00:11:05,577 If this was a TV show, 306 00:11:05,621 --> 00:11:06,796 it'd be called "The Romances of Jayden." 307 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:08,711 - Okay, but you have no proof 308 00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,582 that you're the biological father. 309 00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:13,150 - Then out of all those guys, why did she say I was? 310 00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:14,717 - Because you're-- how do I put this? 311 00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,240 Extremely gullible. 312 00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:17,938 The other day, I heard you give out 313 00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:19,722 your social security number on the phone. 314 00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:22,725 - The man said I was nominated for a Social Security Award. 315 00:11:22,769 --> 00:11:24,945 - We're just saying that Samanthee is shady. 316 00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:27,599 We're only looking out for you. 317 00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:30,298 - No, I see what this is. 318 00:11:30,341 --> 00:11:31,734 Jayden is having a baby, 319 00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:33,562 and all you two have is college debt 320 00:11:33,605 --> 00:11:35,085 and rejection emails from Raya. 321 00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:36,608 - I filled out the form wrong, okay? 322 00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:38,088 It's being rectified. 323 00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:39,699 - It's like how you're jealous of your sister's baby, 324 00:11:39,742 --> 00:11:42,092 and how mad you get every time you see Neil Patrick Harris' 325 00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:43,398 "Architectural Digest" cover. 326 00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:44,878 - I'm not jealous, I just hate what they did 327 00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:46,183 with the charades room. 328 00:11:46,227 --> 00:11:49,099 - Looking out for me? As if. 329 00:11:49,143 --> 00:11:51,101 You know, you guys are uninvited to the baby shower. 330 00:11:51,145 --> 00:11:53,930 And when I do the balloon release, do not look at them. 331 00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:57,107 They are not for you. 332 00:11:57,151 --> 00:11:58,761 - Okay. 333 00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:01,111 Thank you all for coming in to meet with me. 334 00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:04,636 I know together we can find a reasonable so-- 335 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:08,466 - Yeah, don't bother with this let's share the cost nonsense. 336 00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:12,166 That idea is a big old penguin, 'cause it ain't gonna fly. 337 00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:15,430 - Hey look, I get it, I get it. You guys need palm trees. 338 00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:17,693 Whether it's because you own a business 339 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:21,001 with "palm" in the name or you run an outdoor boot camp. 340 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,480 - What are my hot gays supposed to climb? 341 00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:24,656 - Or you're a Hollywood locations manager. 342 00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,658 - We're gonna have to shoot the "La La Land" sequel 343 00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:28,530 in Tampa. Tampa! 344 00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:31,663 - And obviously, you need palm fronds for Sukkot. 345 00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:33,796 So what kind of business do you run, sir? 346 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,493 - A dry cleaners. - Great. 347 00:12:35,537 --> 00:12:37,452 So annually, how much do you-- 348 00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:39,715 - But that's not why I'm here. 349 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,978 Using codes on license plates, 350 00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:45,329 aliens taught us how to impregnate palm trees 351 00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:47,331 and create a super race. 352 00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:49,986 - Oh, my God, this city. 353 00:12:50,030 --> 00:12:52,380 - This is my son... - What-- 354 00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:53,816 - And we're very litigious. 355 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,993 - Mr. Mayor, you're gonna destroy Los Angeles. 356 00:12:57,037 --> 00:12:59,822 - And the universe. 357 00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:02,999 I'm just asking you to-- take that off my table. 358 00:13:03,043 --> 00:13:05,001 I'm just asking you to consider. 359 00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:06,916 That's all I'm asking from you. - Uh-uh. 360 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,919 We are not playing your little game, it's insane. 361 00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:14,750 And frankly, you're being a total psycho. 362 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,535 - I'm a psycho? - Mm. 363 00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:20,625 - Huh. - Hella psycho. 364 00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:22,932 What? I'm an L.A. rabbi. 365 00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:26,066 - Dad, do you have the Postmates password? 366 00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:29,896 The food here is, like, subhuman. 367 00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:32,550 - Sorry this meeting's taking so long. 368 00:13:32,594 --> 00:13:33,813 It's a disaster. 369 00:13:33,856 --> 00:13:35,815 I'm so glad I didn't invite Arpi. 370 00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,817 - Wait, Arpi is the one you didn't invite? 371 00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,035 - Hey, do me a favor. 372 00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:40,994 Take my phone, order whatever you want. 373 00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:43,997 We're downtown, so it's mostly bulk meat, but it's good. 374 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:46,042 - Dad, palm trees are, like, Arpi's thing. 375 00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:49,480 She had a whole binder. It had color-coded tabs. 376 00:13:49,524 --> 00:13:51,221 - Sweetie, I know you think 377 00:13:51,265 --> 00:13:53,920 this is toxic Boomer-linity or whatever. 378 00:13:53,963 --> 00:13:56,444 But do not say anything to Arpi, okay? 379 00:13:56,487 --> 00:13:58,272 I gotta go. 380 00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:04,191 ♪ 381 00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:06,410 - Mikaela, are we jealous? 382 00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:08,848 - Of my sister's baby? No, we're both cute. 383 00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,415 It's not a competition unless she makes it a competition. 384 00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:13,461 - No, of Jayden. 385 00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:15,071 Was he right? 386 00:14:15,115 --> 00:14:16,638 I mean, I don't want kids per se, 387 00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,248 but I always thought that by now I'd at least have, like, 388 00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,207 a French bulldog and an at-risk teen 389 00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,817 I keep forgetting to mentor. - Yeah. 390 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,210 Jayden is supposed to be here 391 00:14:23,253 --> 00:14:24,776 to make me feel better about myself. 392 00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:26,387 Now he's got a kid, 393 00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:28,606 and he gets his hair to curl like that without any product? 394 00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:31,261 - You know, we said we were just looking out for him, 395 00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:34,090 but if that were really true, would we have stopped 396 00:14:34,134 --> 00:14:35,962 looking out just 'cause he got mad at us? 397 00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:38,094 ♪ 398 00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:39,879 When was L.A. Comic-Con? 399 00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:41,141 Why would I know? 400 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:44,100 'Cause Chris Pine is sometimes there. 401 00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:46,494 - Deputy Mayor Meskimen. - Orly. 402 00:14:46,537 --> 00:14:48,757 Tell your old man I'm almost done here. 403 00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,106 He asked me to find every mention 404 00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:51,978 of the word "tree" in the city charter. 405 00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:54,937 I found two, one of which was a typo for "three." 406 00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:57,113 - You were Olivia S. at the bowling party. 407 00:14:57,157 --> 00:15:01,074 - Is that a Netflix show about sexy teen suicide or... 408 00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:02,640 - My dad is trying to distract you 409 00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:04,425 so that you don't go to his palm tree meeting. 410 00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:06,383 It's happening right now. 411 00:15:06,427 --> 00:15:07,819 - Relational aggression. 412 00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:12,607 Orly, thank you for having my back. 413 00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:14,783 The future is female. 414 00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:17,090 - Actually, gender is a construct, 415 00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:19,266 but I'm still rooting for you. 416 00:15:19,309 --> 00:15:21,703 - Look, palm fronds don't kill people. 417 00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:23,618 Gravity kills people. 418 00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,794 - Only if you let it, human. 419 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:28,057 Free your mind. - Okay. 420 00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:29,624 - Mr. Mayor, without the palm trees-- 421 00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:30,973 - In the pandemic-- 422 00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:34,759 - We're off track here. 423 00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:38,285 - All right, I'm gonna need you all to do two types of ups: 424 00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:39,460 shut and listen. 425 00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:41,157 - Arpi, please, please calm down. 426 00:15:41,201 --> 00:15:42,550 - Oh, it's too late for that, sir. 427 00:15:42,593 --> 00:15:44,117 If you wanted calm Arpi, 428 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:45,770 you should have invited her to the meeting. 429 00:15:45,814 --> 00:15:47,990 Now you get fired-up, 430 00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:51,994 ineptly swearing Arpi, you bitch craps. 431 00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,865 - If I may-- - You mayn't. 432 00:15:53,909 --> 00:15:56,390 This excessive concern 433 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:59,480 with palm trees that you have is a sickness. 434 00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:02,004 They are not even endemic to Los Angeles. 435 00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,484 Nothing is. 436 00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,181 Not grass, not water, 437 00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:08,184 and don't get me started on people. 438 00:16:08,228 --> 00:16:10,056 - You think human beings shouldn't be here? 439 00:16:10,099 --> 00:16:11,840 - You know what the native tribes call this region? 440 00:16:11,883 --> 00:16:13,973 Nothing! Because they knew better 441 00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,539 than to try to live here. 442 00:16:15,583 --> 00:16:19,195 I say we return L.A. to its vacant desert state, 443 00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:20,718 and give it back to the mini wolves. 444 00:16:20,762 --> 00:16:21,937 Howl if you're with me. 445 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,689 - Hey, I said you're not invited, okay? 446 00:16:34,732 --> 00:16:36,343 So have a slice of cake, decorate a onesie, 447 00:16:36,386 --> 00:16:38,127 hug me, and then go. - It's okay. 448 00:16:38,171 --> 00:16:40,347 We're just here to drop off the new paperwork. 449 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,786 - Where did you get that from? - We took it off your desk 450 00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:46,353 during the half hour you were in the bathroom. 451 00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:48,659 - Because I have problems urinating. 452 00:16:48,703 --> 00:16:51,140 - It shows a fetal development of eight weeks, tops. 453 00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:54,448 But L.A. Comic-Con was three months ago, 454 00:16:54,491 --> 00:16:58,626 over a month before that was made. 455 00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:02,108 - But that's impossible because of time. 456 00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:05,154 But when I was at Comic-Con, I got my picture taken 457 00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:06,808 inside the "Back to the Future" DeLorean. 458 00:17:06,851 --> 00:17:08,201 So maybe-- - Oh, my God! 459 00:17:08,244 --> 00:17:10,725 Just forget it. 460 00:17:10,768 --> 00:17:12,988 You're not the father, okay? 461 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,425 - What? No! 462 00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:17,079 No, my proposal is off the table. 463 00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,777 It is off the table, and it is on the floor. 464 00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:22,911 There's no five-second rule, the cat's got it! 465 00:17:25,435 --> 00:17:27,437 - Thanks a lot. 466 00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:28,743 Now I have to track down the real dad, 467 00:17:28,786 --> 00:17:30,919 Zac Efron's trainer. 468 00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:34,705 - That guy must be hot. - And outstanding at his job. 469 00:17:34,749 --> 00:17:37,012 - Why wouldn't you just go to him in the first place? 470 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:40,755 - Because Jayden would actually be, like, nice to the kid, 471 00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:43,410 teach it stuff, give it a better name, 472 00:17:43,453 --> 00:17:45,368 than whatever I'll come up with. 473 00:17:45,412 --> 00:17:47,762 I'm thinking "Vape" spelled with a dollar sign? 474 00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:49,329 - Where would it go? 475 00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:52,810 - After, in parentheses. Ugh! 476 00:17:52,854 --> 00:17:55,944 - Ideally, the San Andreas Fault snaps 477 00:17:55,987 --> 00:17:58,077 and just catapults everything south of Hollister 478 00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,035 into the ocean, and we start over. 479 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,906 - Look, look, you can leave if you want to, 480 00:18:01,950 --> 00:18:03,908 but we still have to figure this out, hmm? 481 00:18:03,952 --> 00:18:05,562 - I want a one-on-one tomorrow. 482 00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:08,130 - Oh, yeah, I'm not available tomorrow. 483 00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:09,479 - But I'm free, 484 00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:11,916 as free as every prisoner in America should be, 485 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,702 and I take prescription lozenges so I can just talk. 486 00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:17,313 - Okay, Arpi, you got what you want. 487 00:18:17,357 --> 00:18:18,532 This show is yours. 488 00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,838 - How's 4:00 a.m. for you folks tomorrow? 489 00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:23,798 - I think someone mentioned half earlier? 490 00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:26,235 Us paying half. Could we just do that? 491 00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,759 - Oh, yeah, but you had turned down my offer. 492 00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:31,588 - 60%, we'll pay 60. 493 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:34,504 Let's just stop talking about it, okay? 494 00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:38,508 - That worked out swell, didn't it? 495 00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:42,773 We just saved the city $30 million. 496 00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:45,472 Bus lane. Here come the buses. 497 00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:49,040 Oh, I'm good. 498 00:18:49,084 --> 00:18:50,172 - You used me. 499 00:18:50,216 --> 00:18:52,392 You made me a non-consensual bad cop 500 00:18:52,435 --> 00:18:54,089 to get your filthy compromise. 501 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:57,353 - I didn't use you, Arpi. I would never-- 502 00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,877 oh, for-- Okay, all right. 503 00:18:59,921 --> 00:19:03,054 Maybe I lightly utilized you. 504 00:19:03,098 --> 00:19:04,186 I didn't plan it, 505 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,014 but they wouldn't come to their senses, 506 00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:08,669 so yeah, yeah, I had a little helper, 507 00:19:08,712 --> 00:19:12,151 trick my bad cop into interrupting the meeting. 508 00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:14,544 - Wait, what? 509 00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:17,504 - Right, you're here. I love you. 510 00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:19,549 - You wanted her to. 511 00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:22,465 You used me! 512 00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,685 - Okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait. 513 00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:26,513 Okay. 514 00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:28,123 So you didn't learn anything from me? 515 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,733 - Oh, but I did. 516 00:19:29,777 --> 00:19:31,692 Remember your birthday party story? 517 00:19:31,735 --> 00:19:34,825 Olivia P. got exactly what she wanted. 518 00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:37,306 Everyone agreed to hunker down and bowl because 519 00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:40,875 Olivia S. was screaming like a lunatic. 520 00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:44,052 Arpi, in this metaphor, bowling-- 521 00:19:44,095 --> 00:19:47,055 - Yeah, we get it. - We are not idiots, sir. 522 00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:53,061 - Yeah, I don't like the two of you on the same side. 523 00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:55,106 - Get him. - No, not my face. 524 00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:59,676 ♪ 525 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,853 - Hey, mind if we sit down? 526 00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:06,509 - I don't know, can you? 527 00:20:06,553 --> 00:20:08,076 - Listen, Jayden, 528 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:10,121 what we said before about Samanthee... 529 00:20:10,165 --> 00:20:12,254 - Yeah, we thought she looked at you and saw 530 00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,561 someone who'd believe whatever she told him. 531 00:20:14,604 --> 00:20:15,953 - Oh, really? 532 00:20:15,997 --> 00:20:17,259 Well, but I didn't believe her when she said 533 00:20:17,303 --> 00:20:18,521 I look like Josh Gad. 534 00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:20,523 I knew that was just pillow talk. 535 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:23,613 - The point is, we were wrong. 536 00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:26,050 She chose you because she knew that 537 00:20:26,094 --> 00:20:28,662 out of all the guys who could be the father, 538 00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:30,707 she knew you'd be the best father. 539 00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:33,449 - And you will be someday. 540 00:20:33,493 --> 00:20:36,757 - Oh, wow. 541 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,194 Thank you. 542 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:42,284 Until then, I have my work family, where I'm the baby. 543 00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:43,894 - No, Jayden, we're not doing that. 544 00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:45,200 - But I'm thirsty. 545 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,420 I want juice. - Absolutely not. 546 00:20:47,463 --> 00:20:49,509 - It's just easier if we get him juice, Mikaela. 547 00:20:49,552 --> 00:20:51,032 ♪ I'm just a loser ♪ 548 00:20:51,075 --> 00:20:52,947 ♪ Shouldn't be with ya ♪ 549 00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:54,688 ♪ Guess I'm a quitter ♪ 550 00:20:54,731 --> 00:20:55,776 ♪ While you're ♪ 551 00:20:55,819 --> 00:20:56,907 ♪ Out there drinking ♪ 552 00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:58,648 ♪ I'm just here thinking ♪ 553 00:20:58,692 --> 00:20:59,823 ♪ About where ♪ 554 00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:01,042 ♪ I should've been ♪ 555 00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:02,304 ♪ I've been lonely ♪ 556 00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:03,653 ♪ Mm, ah, yeah ♪ 557 00:21:03,697 --> 00:21:05,742 ♪ La, la, la, la, whoo! ♪ 558 00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:07,309 - I feel wonderful today. 559 00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:09,833 Look at my little outfit. 560 00:21:09,877 --> 00:21:11,661 - I know I don't understand social media, 561 00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:13,794 but this seems bad, right? 562 00:21:13,837 --> 00:21:15,839 - What? No. 563 00:21:15,883 --> 00:21:18,146 - Oh, the comments. 564 00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:21,323 "Dr. Frankenstein and his monster"? 565 00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:23,238 Which one am I? 566 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,000 Corrected by == Flatto (subscene.com) ==