1 00:00:04,007 --> 00:00:05,101 Come on, we gotta get back home 2 00:00:05,218 --> 00:00:06,507 for the "Property Brothers" marathon. 3 00:00:06,594 --> 00:00:07,882 Oh, I can't wait; they're finally 4 00:00:07,968 --> 00:00:10,686 airing the episode where they accidentally kiss. 5 00:00:10,788 --> 00:00:12,637 - I'll make guacamole. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 6 00:00:14,568 --> 00:00:16,601 Sir, where are all your avocados? 7 00:00:16,677 --> 00:00:18,277 We haven't gotten any in all week. 8 00:00:18,345 --> 00:00:19,545 Those are the last two. 9 00:00:19,613 --> 00:00:21,246 What do you mean, you haven't gotten any? 10 00:00:21,315 --> 00:00:22,481 Avocados are local. 11 00:00:22,550 --> 00:00:24,283 Oh, give me those. 12 00:00:24,351 --> 00:00:25,723 My children their healthy fats. 13 00:00:25,778 --> 00:00:28,854 Yeah, excuse me, but my daughter was here first, 14 00:00:28,923 --> 00:00:29,988 - so can I... - Excuse me, 15 00:00:30,057 --> 00:00:31,489 I drove in from Santa Monica 16 00:00:31,536 --> 00:00:33,659 because my psychic told me this place had avocados. 17 00:00:33,684 --> 00:00:34,632 Wait a second. 18 00:00:34,657 --> 00:00:36,261 The whole city's out of avocados? 19 00:00:36,330 --> 00:00:39,231 - What? - No, I was asking. 20 00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:41,366 Okay, you should... 21 00:00:41,435 --> 00:00:44,303 - Oh, you all right? - Which way is Mexico? 22 00:00:44,371 --> 00:00:47,072 - Uh-oh, uh-oh. - Security to aisle three. 23 00:00:47,141 --> 00:00:49,608 - Security to aisle three. - Oh! 24 00:00:49,677 --> 00:00:52,244 Dad, what's going on? 25 00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:56,081 Is there an avocado crisis? 26 00:01:05,159 --> 00:01:07,626 The agricultural commissioner says the avocado shortage 27 00:01:07,695 --> 00:01:09,261 is affecting the whole region. 28 00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,096 Supermarkets ran out over the weekend, 29 00:01:11,165 --> 00:01:12,965 local Girl Scouts ran out of their vegan 30 00:01:13,033 --> 00:01:14,433 Avoca-Go-Girl cookies, 31 00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:16,602 and also, Passover's coming up. 32 00:01:16,670 --> 00:01:19,037 And there won't be guacamole or dragon rolls. 33 00:01:19,106 --> 00:01:20,973 LA Judaism's weird. 34 00:01:21,041 --> 00:01:22,107 - Sir. - Hmm. 35 00:01:22,176 --> 00:01:23,442 Adolphus Hass is here to see you. 36 00:01:23,510 --> 00:01:25,429 The California 'Cado King? 37 00:01:25,515 --> 00:01:26,578 Good. 38 00:01:26,647 --> 00:01:27,946 Look, we're all scared, 39 00:01:28,015 --> 00:01:29,114 but it's gonna be okay. 40 00:01:29,183 --> 00:01:30,231 This is a business problem, 41 00:01:30,301 --> 00:01:33,285 and solving business problems is my middle name. 42 00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:34,486 That's beautiful. Is that Polish or... 43 00:01:34,555 --> 00:01:38,190 Whatever I was supposed to be doing today, cancel it. 44 00:01:38,959 --> 00:01:40,459 Get out of here! 45 00:01:40,527 --> 00:01:42,261 We don't have time for you! 46 00:01:45,933 --> 00:01:46,954 Finally. 47 00:01:46,979 --> 00:01:49,001 God, these interns get worse every year. 48 00:01:49,069 --> 00:01:50,869 No, I'm your boss. 49 00:01:50,938 --> 00:01:52,504 Hey, where the hell have you been? 50 00:01:52,573 --> 00:01:55,040 I know, rough morning. I haven't been sleeping. 51 00:01:55,109 --> 00:01:57,910 Neil texts me every time he gets up to pee at night. 52 00:01:57,978 --> 00:01:59,144 Oh, that's too many times. 53 00:01:59,213 --> 00:02:00,879 And then I can't fall back asleep, 54 00:02:00,948 --> 00:02:02,080 and blah, blah, blah. 55 00:02:02,149 --> 00:02:04,816 Take some melatonin and watch a Cardi B ASMR video. 56 00:02:04,885 --> 00:02:06,652 That's my move, and I sleep like a toddler. 57 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:08,020 Hmm. 58 00:02:08,088 --> 00:02:09,154 Hi. 59 00:02:09,223 --> 00:02:11,323 Makeup-free Monday, very brave. 60 00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:13,425 - No, I'm not sleeping. - Me neither. 61 00:02:13,494 --> 00:02:15,794 I've been so excited to get into this with you. 62 00:02:15,863 --> 00:02:18,030 Right, your water table thing. 63 00:02:18,098 --> 00:02:19,464 You know it! 64 00:02:19,533 --> 00:02:21,800 Mm, um, I've actually got a meeting right now. 65 00:02:21,869 --> 00:02:23,635 Perfect, that'll give me time 66 00:02:23,704 --> 00:02:25,170 to do some vocal warm-ups. 67 00:02:25,239 --> 00:02:28,707 Water table, water table, ball gag. 68 00:02:28,776 --> 00:02:29,775 Okay. 69 00:02:29,843 --> 00:02:31,810 I'm glad you came by, Adolphus. 70 00:02:31,879 --> 00:02:34,513 Oh, all my friends call me Adolph. 71 00:02:34,581 --> 00:02:36,915 No, thank you. Go ahead, sit down. 72 00:02:36,984 --> 00:02:40,018 I tell you, the Southland's avocado farmers 73 00:02:40,087 --> 00:02:42,321 are bearing the brunt of this crisis. 74 00:02:42,389 --> 00:02:43,655 The first thing we need to figure out 75 00:02:43,724 --> 00:02:45,691 is what's causing the shortage. 76 00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:47,559 It's this drought we're having. 77 00:02:47,628 --> 00:02:50,929 My farm's yields are lower than a limbo bar in Lilliput. 78 00:02:50,998 --> 00:02:53,198 - God, he's folksy. - You need water. 79 00:02:53,267 --> 00:02:54,833 I mean, it's the story of this city. 80 00:02:54,902 --> 00:02:57,202 If only the LA River had water in it 81 00:02:57,271 --> 00:03:00,372 instead of what I've been told is called pornography runoff. 82 00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:02,874 So how are we gonna fix this, Adolphus? 83 00:03:02,943 --> 00:03:04,237 I'm glad you asked. 84 00:03:04,386 --> 00:03:06,545 See, I've been meeting with all the local mayors: 85 00:03:06,613 --> 00:03:08,947 Santa Monica, Burbank, Shondaland. 86 00:03:09,016 --> 00:03:10,649 Shondaland, is that a real place? 87 00:03:10,718 --> 00:03:12,117 Yes, but it's not for you, sir. 88 00:03:12,186 --> 00:03:15,387 And they're all pitching in, but no place on Earth 89 00:03:15,456 --> 00:03:17,923 eats more 'cados than the City of Angels, 90 00:03:17,992 --> 00:03:20,225 so I sure do hope that you'll pony up. 91 00:03:20,294 --> 00:03:23,395 I'm sorry, is that just a folksy way of asking for money? 92 00:03:23,464 --> 00:03:26,431 If you subsidize Hass Farms, 93 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,867 I can afford to ship water down from Seattle, 94 00:03:28,936 --> 00:03:31,236 and that place is wetter than an Italian... 95 00:03:31,305 --> 00:03:32,437 No, no, no, no, no. 96 00:03:32,506 --> 00:03:33,972 Look, that... that's not a solution. 97 00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:35,240 That's just a patch. 98 00:03:35,309 --> 00:03:37,476 Hey, we're up crap crick here, boss. 99 00:03:37,544 --> 00:03:38,977 We need a patch, 100 00:03:39,046 --> 00:03:41,046 and isn't patches what government does best? 101 00:03:41,115 --> 00:03:44,016 Sir, this avocado thing is a four-quadrant problem. 102 00:03:44,084 --> 00:03:46,752 It affects moms, babies, gay-bies, and ag workers. 103 00:03:46,820 --> 00:03:48,253 Yeah, some people use avocados 104 00:03:48,322 --> 00:03:50,122 to trick himself into swallowing pills. 105 00:03:50,190 --> 00:03:52,557 A subsidy is a win-win. 106 00:03:52,626 --> 00:03:54,760 I get water. People get their 'cados. 107 00:03:54,828 --> 00:03:56,461 We take a picture in an orchard. 108 00:03:56,530 --> 00:03:58,130 You get all the headlines. 109 00:03:58,198 --> 00:04:00,232 Sir, a photo op and a positive headline 110 00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,634 might not be such a bad thing for you right now. 111 00:04:02,703 --> 00:04:04,236 Yeah, your first 100 days are almost up, 112 00:04:04,304 --> 00:04:06,505 and according to all the reporters I've spoken to, 113 00:04:06,573 --> 00:04:08,206 the current angle is 114 00:04:08,275 --> 00:04:10,842 "New mayor is old but rich hot." 115 00:04:10,911 --> 00:04:12,711 Rich hot? What, like Bezos? 116 00:04:12,780 --> 00:04:14,513 - No, not like Bezos. - Exactly, sir, like, Bezos. 117 00:04:14,581 --> 00:04:16,715 Look, writing checks to make problems go away 118 00:04:16,784 --> 00:04:18,283 is not how I do things. 119 00:04:18,352 --> 00:04:19,951 "Back at my company..." 120 00:04:20,020 --> 00:04:23,155 Back at my company, I learned how to do every job 121 00:04:23,223 --> 00:04:24,656 so I could fix every problem. 122 00:04:24,725 --> 00:04:27,292 I learned how to drive a forklift, balance the books. 123 00:04:27,361 --> 00:04:29,494 After the '94 earthquake, 124 00:04:29,563 --> 00:04:31,797 my drivers said the roads were not safe, 125 00:04:31,865 --> 00:04:33,665 so I went out, and I got a Class A 126 00:04:33,734 --> 00:04:36,468 tractor trailer license, and the next day, 127 00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:39,304 billboards for "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" 128 00:04:39,373 --> 00:04:41,506 were all over Southern California. 129 00:04:41,575 --> 00:04:44,309 All righty, then! 130 00:04:46,613 --> 00:04:48,246 Yeah, I'm gonna fix this thing, Adolphus, 131 00:04:48,315 --> 00:04:51,049 but I'm gonna do it my way. 132 00:04:51,118 --> 00:04:52,584 Well, 133 00:04:52,653 --> 00:04:54,052 when you come to your senses, 134 00:04:54,121 --> 00:04:56,689 you can find me on my farm in the Valley. 135 00:04:56,728 --> 00:04:59,491 - Okay. - Or if it's a weekend, Six Flags. 136 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:03,061 I'm tall enough to ride everything. 137 00:05:03,130 --> 00:05:04,563 Yee-ha! 138 00:05:06,533 --> 00:05:10,702 Borings, they are anything but. 139 00:05:10,771 --> 00:05:12,904 Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself. 140 00:05:12,973 --> 00:05:16,708 What is water? 141 00:05:16,777 --> 00:05:19,311 It's transparent... 142 00:05:19,379 --> 00:05:20,689 Wet. 143 00:05:20,814 --> 00:05:24,275 Common street names include wa-wa, the drink, God's tears. 144 00:05:24,345 --> 00:05:26,952 We live in a desert, which is why boring, 145 00:05:27,020 --> 00:05:29,788 boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, 146 00:05:29,857 --> 00:05:31,723 boring, boring, boring, boring, boring... 147 00:05:31,792 --> 00:05:34,726 Oh, the end! 148 00:05:34,795 --> 00:05:35,961 Ah. 149 00:05:36,029 --> 00:05:37,562 Have you been talking for an hour? 150 00:05:37,631 --> 00:05:38,730 Doesn't feel like it, does it? 151 00:05:38,799 --> 00:05:39,898 So what do you say? 152 00:05:39,967 --> 00:05:41,766 Take it to the mayor? Dazzle him? 153 00:05:41,835 --> 00:05:43,768 Well, it's a lot to absorb. 154 00:05:43,837 --> 00:05:45,237 Absorb. 155 00:05:45,305 --> 00:05:46,738 Water table humor. 156 00:05:46,807 --> 00:05:50,275 Well, absorb away, you walking phreatic zone. 157 00:05:51,445 --> 00:05:54,379 A reference to the presentation. 158 00:05:54,448 --> 00:05:55,714 Holler if you have any questions. 159 00:05:55,782 --> 00:05:59,618 I'm available 24-7, 366 if it's a leap year. 160 00:06:01,989 --> 00:06:04,823 I saw you. You slept through Arpi's pitch. 161 00:06:04,892 --> 00:06:06,324 Delete that, and not just because 162 00:06:06,393 --> 00:06:08,760 it's misogynist to take unflattering photos of women. 163 00:06:08,829 --> 00:06:10,595 Yeah, she's gonna kill you if she finds out. 164 00:06:10,664 --> 00:06:11,963 I didn't mean to fall asleep. 165 00:06:12,032 --> 00:06:14,232 She just talked so much. Give me that. 166 00:06:14,301 --> 00:06:15,934 Do you remember when she caught the chief of police 167 00:06:16,003 --> 00:06:17,636 using his phone during a meeting? 168 00:06:17,704 --> 00:06:19,905 She made him cry, and he was at Fallujah. 169 00:06:19,973 --> 00:06:21,339 I don't know if you know this, but not everyone here 170 00:06:21,408 --> 00:06:23,074 sees you as an authority figure. 171 00:06:23,143 --> 00:06:24,242 This is wrong. 172 00:06:24,311 --> 00:06:28,213 I asked for half-and-half and a splash of Nestle Quik. 173 00:06:29,917 --> 00:06:33,418 Be-because it's mine, because I'm your boss. 174 00:06:37,826 --> 00:06:39,527 Kwapis, get in here. 175 00:06:42,747 --> 00:06:45,693 People are upset because they want avocados 176 00:06:45,779 --> 00:06:48,083 - and they can't get them. - Nodding, getting it. 177 00:06:48,154 --> 00:06:50,287 And I can't end the drought 178 00:06:50,356 --> 00:06:52,356 or make avocados magically appear, 179 00:06:52,425 --> 00:06:55,678 so how do you get a bone away from a dog? 180 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,716 - Kiss it. - You distract it 181 00:06:57,784 --> 00:06:59,384 with something it wants even more. 182 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,324 - Mm. - Now, when did people become 183 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:03,688 so obsessed with avocados in the first place? 184 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,892 Uh, 2013, LA restaurants 185 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,693 started serving the Australian breakfast, 186 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,463 which is boiled steak, Dunkaroos, and avocado toast. 187 00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:15,433 Avocados are just the latest well-branded LA health fad. 188 00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:17,502 Over the years, I have put up billboards 189 00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:20,505 for everything from pine nuts to pomegranate juice, 190 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:23,742 and no one liked those things until marketers told them to. 191 00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,176 Did you know that quinoa 192 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,479 was originally just Beanie Baby filler? 193 00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:29,547 Well, then why does it say "do not eat" on the tag? 194 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,917 We just need to find the next fad. 195 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,752 We need to find something that's abundant, 196 00:07:33,820 --> 00:07:35,287 that's high in omega-3s, 197 00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:38,023 and that people don't yet think of as edible. 198 00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:40,492 And then we rebrand it as... 199 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,127 The avocado fish. 200 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,929 Don't listen to anyone who says its real name 201 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,497 is the monkeyface eel. 202 00:07:45,861 --> 00:07:46,875 It's not. 203 00:07:46,930 --> 00:07:47,999 And is it supposed to smell like that? 204 00:07:48,060 --> 00:07:49,159 Absolutely. 205 00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,869 Now, this superfood has all 206 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:52,771 the healthy fats of an avocado 207 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,005 with none of the pits, 208 00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,774 just twice the bones of a normal fish 209 00:07:55,842 --> 00:07:57,943 and a poisonous swim bladder. 210 00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,078 And so you're hoping that this will catch on? 211 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:03,081 It can do everything an avocado used to do. 212 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,951 Hey, Ana, help me mash these guys up, will you? 213 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,252 Wait, you're not pregnant, right? 214 00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:08,586 - No. - All right, great, great. 215 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,221 Mash, mash, mash. 216 00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,490 Wow, and it's, uh, green, just like guacamole. 217 00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:14,793 Yup, now, eat it quick before it hardens. 218 00:08:14,861 --> 00:08:16,027 Mmm. 219 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,802 Let's go to Chuck with the w... Chuck with the weather. 220 00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,070 No one named Chuck works here. 221 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,805 Just cut away. 222 00:08:26,873 --> 00:08:28,740 We'll be right back. 223 00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:32,043 So now I'm gonna, like, bite 224 00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,813 these wet-ass pickles. 225 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:36,748 How does Tommy fall asleep to this? 226 00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,149 This is not relaxing. 227 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:41,586 I'm irritated and turned on and kind of hungry. 228 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:42,979 Et cetera. 229 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,962 Alexa, why can't I sleep? 230 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,999 According to Mayo Clinic, insomnia is usually caused 231 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:57,402 by depression, stress, or anxiety, lack of exercise... 232 00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,537 Alexa, stop. 233 00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:00,638 Thank you. 234 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,075 Alexa, 235 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:05,777 call Scary McTinybird. 236 00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:09,481 Calling Scary McTinybird's mobile. 237 00:09:14,445 --> 00:09:16,988 Ms. Shaw, what a pleasant surprise. 238 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,356 Unless this is a kidnapper 239 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,425 using Ms. Shaw's telephone to demand a ransom, 240 00:09:20,494 --> 00:09:22,260 in which case, I will not negotiate. 241 00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:23,372 You can go ahead and kill her. 242 00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:25,263 Um, no, no, it's me. 243 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,432 Uh, I hope I'm not calling too late? 244 00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:29,267 If it's city business, it's never too late. 245 00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:30,544 What can I do you for? 246 00:09:30,630 --> 00:09:33,038 Well, I was thinking now that I have 247 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:37,542 a baseline understanding of what a borings is, 248 00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:41,146 I was thinking you could go more in-depth? 249 00:09:41,230 --> 00:09:43,130 Depth? 250 00:09:43,190 --> 00:09:44,556 Borings are all about depth. 251 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,885 Man, you are funny. 252 00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:48,319 Zing! 253 00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:52,857 Now, I wish you were here to see this soil sample, 254 00:09:52,926 --> 00:09:55,894 but I'll describe it to ya. 255 00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:57,262 Brown, 256 00:09:57,345 --> 00:09:59,483 light brown, dark brown. 257 00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:02,434 The first brown again. 258 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,737 Oh. Hello, sir. 259 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,138 Mrs. Baby Sir. 260 00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,773 Orly's spending the day here. 261 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,675 Yeah, my school's closed 262 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:13,511 'cause they ordered a bunch of avocado fish for the salad bar, 263 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,346 but it turns out you can't transport them dead. 264 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:16,740 Because they harden. 265 00:10:16,873 --> 00:10:18,850 You know, the city's been very up-front about that. 266 00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,519 Did the city know that they could crawl short distances? 267 00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:24,089 'Cause one of them got in the pool and laid eggs. 268 00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:28,026 Fine, the avocado fish was a bad idea, okay? 269 00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:33,131 This cannot be how you end your first 100 days, sir. 270 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,466 "Eel Bummer"? 271 00:10:34,534 --> 00:10:36,367 Inside, they did a really good job 272 00:10:36,436 --> 00:10:38,670 of photoshopping the creature from "Shape of Water"... 273 00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:39,938 Oh, no. 274 00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:41,372 Oh, they made you the mute lady. 275 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,308 Gosh, he is really giving it to you. 276 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:44,542 This is the kind of problem 277 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:46,744 that I have been solving my entire life. 278 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:50,215 I just don't know how to truck-drive my way out of this. 279 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,450 Oh, my God, what is that smell? 280 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:55,286 There are protesters outside throwing monkeyface eel. 281 00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,222 Fun fact: the avocado fish 282 00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,891 exclusively eats the feces of other fish. 283 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,327 Jayden, get Adolphus Hass on the phone. 284 00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:03,528 Yeah, I think that's the right call, sir. 285 00:11:03,597 --> 00:11:05,296 - We subsidize... - Please leave. 286 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,932 You smell like the bathroom at a ferry terminal. 287 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,300 I know, sir. I'm so sorry. 288 00:11:17,145 --> 00:11:18,512 Oh, Ms. Shaw? 289 00:11:18,566 --> 00:11:21,066 - Do you have a moment? - Of course, always. 290 00:11:21,144 --> 00:11:22,400 I don't know if you realized this, 291 00:11:22,489 --> 00:11:25,242 but you fell asleep last night while I was talking to you. 292 00:11:25,305 --> 00:11:26,371 Me did? 293 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:27,640 Are you sure? 294 00:11:27,703 --> 00:11:29,169 Ms. Shaw? 295 00:11:29,232 --> 00:11:32,366 No, Cardi B, don't hurt that pickle with your nails. 296 00:11:32,443 --> 00:11:34,910 It's a cucumber's baby. 297 00:11:36,013 --> 00:11:37,612 That was a chair. 298 00:11:37,682 --> 00:11:40,315 It happens. Our bodies betray us sometimes. 299 00:11:40,378 --> 00:11:43,519 I pee a little when I laugh, so needless to say, 300 00:11:43,587 --> 00:11:46,196 I'm very concerned about this "Who's the Boss?" reboot. 301 00:11:46,250 --> 00:11:48,056 Anyway, maybe I need 302 00:11:48,117 --> 00:11:49,908 to tighten up my "presentache" 303 00:11:49,938 --> 00:11:51,360 before we take it to the mayor. 304 00:11:51,427 --> 00:11:54,171 From the pitch yesterday, what would you cut? 305 00:11:54,218 --> 00:11:58,054 Oh, gosh, that's hard. It's so good. 306 00:11:58,109 --> 00:12:01,170 Okay, well, what would you say I have to keep? 307 00:12:01,238 --> 00:12:06,008 I really responded to... graph. 308 00:12:06,537 --> 00:12:08,404 You narcoleptic skunk. 309 00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:10,065 You fell asleep yesterday too! 310 00:12:10,090 --> 00:12:11,300 I know. I'm so sorry! 311 00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:13,079 I haven't been sleeping. Please don't hurt me. 312 00:12:13,196 --> 00:12:14,696 I'm your boss, but you can be boss. 313 00:12:14,758 --> 00:12:15,857 What do you want for lunch? 314 00:12:15,926 --> 00:12:18,159 Okay, get it over with. Just hit me. 315 00:12:18,228 --> 00:12:19,127 Oh. 316 00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:26,745 Oh, no, what was that? 317 00:12:26,815 --> 00:12:28,211 That was so weird. 318 00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,471 What did it mean? 319 00:12:33,185 --> 00:12:35,119 Well, if it isn't the man of the hour. 320 00:12:35,210 --> 00:12:37,144 I just want to put this whole thing behind me. 321 00:12:37,199 --> 00:12:39,533 Oh, said the farmer's daughter to the Bible salesman. 322 00:12:39,619 --> 00:12:40,685 Sorry 323 00:12:40,753 --> 00:12:42,286 for the constant folksiness. 324 00:12:42,355 --> 00:12:44,055 I think maybe I'm nostalgic 325 00:12:44,123 --> 00:12:46,090 for an America that never existed. 326 00:12:46,159 --> 00:12:47,792 Okay, sorry, we're gonna have to move this truck. 327 00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:50,594 It's blocking the H in Hass Avocado Farms, 328 00:12:50,663 --> 00:12:53,429 so it, uh, looks like "Ass Avocado Farms." 329 00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:56,096 No, I can't move it. I had to lay off all my drivers. 330 00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,964 That poor truck's been there all week. 331 00:12:58,058 --> 00:12:59,391 Well, I can move it. 332 00:12:59,460 --> 00:13:01,293 I've actually got a trucker's license. 333 00:13:01,362 --> 00:13:02,861 Mm, triple threat: 334 00:13:02,953 --> 00:13:05,063 mayor, truck driver, 335 00:13:05,156 --> 00:13:07,957 and legs for days. 336 00:13:20,147 --> 00:13:24,111 I'm gonna have to put a hold on those funds, Adolphus. 337 00:13:24,166 --> 00:13:26,132 Something's come up. Right, Jayden? 338 00:13:26,209 --> 00:13:27,275 Um, yes. 339 00:13:27,343 --> 00:13:30,383 Uh, there's been an accident, and the doctor said, 340 00:13:30,469 --> 00:13:33,181 "I can't operate on this boy. He's my son," 341 00:13:33,249 --> 00:13:36,684 - because the doctor was a mommy! - Uh, who is this... oh, oh! 342 00:13:36,796 --> 00:13:39,230 - Wait! Wait! - Sir, what's going on? 343 00:13:46,996 --> 00:13:48,468 Ms. Meskimen? 344 00:13:48,623 --> 00:13:50,064 I'm sorry to be calling so late, 345 00:13:50,171 --> 00:13:52,738 but I feel terrible about what happened today, 346 00:13:52,807 --> 00:13:55,174 and I also had a couple follow-up questions 347 00:13:55,242 --> 00:13:57,458 about the kiss of death that you gave me. 348 00:13:57,505 --> 00:13:59,438 I thought I might hear from you tonight. 349 00:13:59,507 --> 00:14:00,706 Still can't sleep, huh? 350 00:14:00,775 --> 00:14:02,247 "We need to get to the root of this," 351 00:14:02,310 --> 00:14:04,077 said the endangered California vole. 352 00:14:04,145 --> 00:14:05,445 Is that a joke, 353 00:14:05,513 --> 00:14:07,223 or did he really say that? 354 00:14:07,248 --> 00:14:08,347 I'm so tired. 355 00:14:08,408 --> 00:14:11,454 I know what kept me up at night when I was your age. 356 00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:14,475 It was a little something called impostor syndrome. 357 00:14:14,781 --> 00:14:16,914 Men are immune to it, 358 00:14:16,975 --> 00:14:19,042 but it's got a taste for skirts. 359 00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:21,005 It's that feeling that you're in over your head 360 00:14:21,052 --> 00:14:22,393 and that everyone knows, 361 00:14:22,503 --> 00:14:25,196 and every time someone mistakes you for an intern 362 00:14:25,257 --> 00:14:27,284 or leaves you off an email chain 363 00:14:27,378 --> 00:14:28,925 about entering through the garage 364 00:14:28,962 --> 00:14:30,784 to avoid getting eel thrown at you, 365 00:14:30,962 --> 00:14:32,504 that feeling grows, 366 00:14:32,566 --> 00:14:35,765 that feeling that you don't deserve to be here. 367 00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,400 It adds up, right? 368 00:14:37,469 --> 00:14:39,897 I mean, what were your jobs before this? 369 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:41,446 According to LinkedIn, 370 00:14:41,538 --> 00:14:43,787 you were a vibe coordinator at The Wing. 371 00:14:43,959 --> 00:14:45,340 - Uh... - And what the hell 372 00:14:45,409 --> 00:14:47,008 is the Fyre Festival? 373 00:14:47,085 --> 00:14:48,941 It would have worked if Blink-182 374 00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:50,153 had gotten on the plane. 375 00:14:50,221 --> 00:14:52,255 I think we both know you don't believe that. 376 00:14:52,324 --> 00:14:54,934 Anyway, impostor syndrome, that's your problem. 377 00:14:54,997 --> 00:14:57,327 Sweet dreams. 378 00:14:57,395 --> 00:14:58,628 Oh. 379 00:15:06,351 --> 00:15:08,084 Now will you tell me why we're here? 380 00:15:08,161 --> 00:15:10,028 I tried to tell you in the car, Jayden, 381 00:15:10,097 --> 00:15:12,097 but you wouldn't stop singing along with the radio. 382 00:15:12,165 --> 00:15:14,497 Well, because Mandy Moore has found her voice, sir. 383 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:15,600 All right. 384 00:15:15,669 --> 00:15:17,645 This is the closest bar to Hass Farms 385 00:15:17,696 --> 00:15:19,062 that doesn't sell wine. 386 00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:20,463 We're looking for truck drivers, 387 00:15:20,525 --> 00:15:24,151 anyone with a Local 63 hat or a tramp stamp. 388 00:15:27,532 --> 00:15:29,599 Jackpot. 389 00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:31,667 Excuse me, fellas, uh, sorry. 390 00:15:31,736 --> 00:15:33,467 Are you guys long haul or local? 391 00:15:33,562 --> 00:15:35,595 Honk, honk, beep, beep. Am I right, guys? 392 00:15:35,664 --> 00:15:37,397 Uh, sorry. What were you saying? 393 00:15:37,473 --> 00:15:39,873 We all drive for big farms in Simi Valley. 394 00:15:39,935 --> 00:15:41,334 I'm with Hass. 395 00:15:41,403 --> 00:15:42,542 - Really? - Yeah. 396 00:15:42,589 --> 00:15:45,690 Well, I'm, uh, Local 848, Long Beach. 397 00:15:45,753 --> 00:15:47,841 A city boy. 398 00:15:47,910 --> 00:15:50,744 Hey, city man, okay? Just look at him. 399 00:15:50,812 --> 00:15:52,251 Let me buy you guys a round. 400 00:15:52,329 --> 00:15:53,548 - You want four beers? - No, no. 401 00:15:53,665 --> 00:15:55,528 Just seltzer for me. Thank you. 402 00:15:55,634 --> 00:15:56,566 - Really? - Yeah. 403 00:15:56,635 --> 00:15:57,901 Are you driving late? 404 00:15:57,970 --> 00:15:59,336 Oh, maybe he's pregnant, sir. 405 00:15:59,405 --> 00:16:01,641 Well, I'm not supposed to talk about it, 406 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,319 but driver to driver... 407 00:16:10,526 --> 00:16:12,092 So how was the rest of your night? 408 00:16:12,128 --> 00:16:14,471 - Not great, Arpi. - Poor thing. 409 00:16:14,534 --> 00:16:17,034 Me, I slept like a baby: 410 00:16:17,071 --> 00:16:19,738 butt in the air, belly full of milk. 411 00:16:19,773 --> 00:16:22,007 Sleep deprivation's a form of torture, you know? 412 00:16:22,042 --> 00:16:24,076 That's why you see so many new mothers 413 00:16:24,111 --> 00:16:25,978 weeping in the Whole Foods parking lot. 414 00:16:27,715 --> 00:16:29,214 I'll get that later. 415 00:16:29,250 --> 00:16:30,949 So would you like to sleep? 416 00:16:30,985 --> 00:16:33,585 Yes! Please, I'll do anything! 417 00:16:33,621 --> 00:16:35,187 What do you want? Money, drugs? 418 00:16:35,222 --> 00:16:36,455 I'll give you a piggyback ride. 419 00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:38,190 Okay, I'll quit torturing you. 420 00:16:38,225 --> 00:16:39,725 In fact, 421 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,760 I'll call you every night and bore you to sleep. 422 00:16:41,795 --> 00:16:45,664 I'll be your own personal little Lunesta insect. 423 00:16:45,699 --> 00:16:48,367 But first, I do need something from you. 424 00:16:48,402 --> 00:16:50,636 You want a kid? My sister's got two! 425 00:16:50,671 --> 00:16:52,638 One has blue eyes. How does that sound? 426 00:16:52,673 --> 00:16:54,439 You said you'd listen to my presentation, 427 00:16:54,475 --> 00:16:55,874 and that's what you're gonna do. 428 00:16:55,910 --> 00:16:59,611 - Oh. - Without falling asleep. 429 00:16:59,647 --> 00:17:03,615 Borings, they are anything but. 430 00:17:04,818 --> 00:17:06,718 Neil. 431 00:17:06,754 --> 00:17:08,553 Oh, I'm so glad you called. 432 00:17:08,589 --> 00:17:10,055 When you skedaddled like that yesterday, 433 00:17:10,090 --> 00:17:12,224 I thought maybe our deal was off. 434 00:17:12,259 --> 00:17:13,525 Get in here. Sit down. 435 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:14,559 Thank you. 436 00:17:14,595 --> 00:17:16,762 So yesterday, 437 00:17:16,797 --> 00:17:19,531 you said your trucks hadn't gone out all week. 438 00:17:20,601 --> 00:17:22,734 Or are they? 439 00:17:22,770 --> 00:17:25,070 See... 440 00:17:25,105 --> 00:17:27,472 When I went out to move that truck, 441 00:17:27,508 --> 00:17:29,942 the headlights were on. 442 00:17:29,977 --> 00:17:33,045 The lights were on, and the battery wasn't dead. 443 00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,481 That truck had been driven recently, at night. 444 00:17:36,517 --> 00:17:38,817 Ah. What's that supposed to prove? 445 00:17:38,852 --> 00:17:40,252 I'm only fidgeting like this 446 00:17:40,287 --> 00:17:42,054 because of my oversized genitals. 447 00:17:42,089 --> 00:17:44,256 So I talked to one of your drivers. 448 00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:46,425 You must be mistaken. I don't have any drivers. 449 00:17:46,460 --> 00:17:47,759 I had to lay them off. 450 00:17:47,795 --> 00:17:49,494 I was confused, too, until I went out 451 00:17:49,530 --> 00:17:51,630 to your warehouse in Santa Clarita, 452 00:17:51,665 --> 00:17:53,966 and while Jayden distracted the dog... 453 00:17:54,001 --> 00:17:57,102 - With kisses. - Guess what I found in there. 454 00:17:57,972 --> 00:17:59,638 'Cados. 455 00:17:59,673 --> 00:18:01,473 Whole warehouse full of 'em. 456 00:18:01,508 --> 00:18:03,976 That drought didn't ruin your harvest. 457 00:18:04,011 --> 00:18:06,578 It was just an excuse for you to stockpile avocados 458 00:18:06,613 --> 00:18:07,980 to drive the prices up 459 00:18:08,015 --> 00:18:11,416 while you took a handout from my taxpayers. 460 00:18:11,452 --> 00:18:12,884 You weren't gonna ship in any water. 461 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,320 You were just gonna ship that money to your own pocket. 462 00:18:15,356 --> 00:18:17,322 Oh, snap. 463 00:18:17,358 --> 00:18:19,458 Yeah, and you almost got away with it too. 464 00:18:19,493 --> 00:18:24,763 Except I'm still holding all the cards, Mr. Mayor. 465 00:18:24,798 --> 00:18:27,766 You can't afford for the shortage to go on much longer. 466 00:18:27,801 --> 00:18:31,136 Your own staff said you need some positive press, 467 00:18:31,171 --> 00:18:33,538 so you need me. 468 00:18:33,574 --> 00:18:35,841 Tick-o-tockety, friend. 469 00:18:35,876 --> 00:18:37,509 Wait, is that supposed to be a clock? 470 00:18:37,544 --> 00:18:40,779 Tick-o-tockety for you. 471 00:18:40,814 --> 00:18:42,214 Give that guy a squeeze. 472 00:18:44,151 --> 00:18:45,751 It's not hard! 473 00:18:45,786 --> 00:18:47,252 They're ripening too early! 474 00:18:47,287 --> 00:18:49,354 I think that the City of Los Angeles 475 00:18:49,390 --> 00:18:50,856 will keep its money, 476 00:18:50,891 --> 00:18:53,258 'cause if you don't get those avocados on the street, 477 00:18:53,293 --> 00:18:54,659 you're toast. 478 00:18:54,695 --> 00:18:56,194 Plain toast. 479 00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:57,229 You son of a bitch! 480 00:18:57,264 --> 00:18:59,331 Now, get out of here. 481 00:18:59,366 --> 00:19:01,299 We don't have time for you! 482 00:19:07,207 --> 00:19:09,041 - You okay? - Mm-hmm. 483 00:19:09,076 --> 00:19:10,709 I got scared when he threw the... 484 00:19:10,744 --> 00:19:13,278 Which brings us to the end. 485 00:19:13,313 --> 00:19:14,646 So what do you say? 486 00:19:14,681 --> 00:19:16,748 Take it to the mayor for real? 487 00:19:16,784 --> 00:19:19,117 Absolutely not. 488 00:19:19,153 --> 00:19:20,274 I'm sorry, what? 489 00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,656 Arpi, if we deprivatize the borings process, 490 00:19:22,733 --> 00:19:25,336 there may be a period of time where we can't guarantee 491 00:19:25,374 --> 00:19:27,571 the safety of LA's drinking water? 492 00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:30,242 24 hours max, people can stockpile. 493 00:19:30,281 --> 00:19:33,370 - They'll use bathtubs. - You can't mess with people's water, Arpi 494 00:19:33,441 --> 00:19:35,661 When I was hydration's *** for the Fyre Festival 495 00:19:35,731 --> 00:19:37,330 it went sideways fast. 496 00:19:37,366 --> 00:19:39,366 Billy McFarland hired Adriana Lima 497 00:19:39,401 --> 00:19:42,235 to captain the Evian boat, and she sank it, 498 00:19:42,271 --> 00:19:44,838 and then 20,000 stoned idiots panicked 499 00:19:44,873 --> 00:19:46,373 and started drinking salt water. 500 00:19:46,408 --> 00:19:47,774 You should just watch the documentary. 501 00:19:47,810 --> 00:19:49,076 I look so thin. 502 00:19:49,111 --> 00:19:50,844 And that took place on a mountain of guano 503 00:19:50,879 --> 00:19:52,212 in the middle of the ocean, 504 00:19:52,247 --> 00:19:56,783 but LA is a desert with 3 million stoned idiots. 505 00:19:56,819 --> 00:19:58,018 We do not want to be 506 00:19:58,053 --> 00:19:59,519 the Billy McFarlands of Los Angeles, 507 00:19:59,555 --> 00:20:02,189 so it's a hard no, Arpi. 508 00:20:03,459 --> 00:20:04,658 Huh. 509 00:20:04,693 --> 00:20:07,194 Well, obviously, I'm disappointed, but... 510 00:20:07,229 --> 00:20:09,229 you seem to know what you're talking about. 511 00:20:09,264 --> 00:20:10,897 Oh, I do. 512 00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:12,833 You mess up water, next thing you know, 513 00:20:12,868 --> 00:20:14,434 some trust fund douche named Preston 514 00:20:14,470 --> 00:20:17,537 is pulling turtles apart to get their liquid. 515 00:20:17,573 --> 00:20:19,439 Hard to argue with that. 516 00:20:19,475 --> 00:20:20,540 Very good. 517 00:20:20,576 --> 00:20:22,042 Thank you for your time. 518 00:20:22,077 --> 00:20:24,811 Would you like me to put you to sleep tonight? 519 00:20:24,847 --> 00:20:27,347 I think I'm gonna be all right. 520 00:20:27,382 --> 00:20:28,448 I'm feeling... 521 00:20:28,484 --> 00:20:31,451 Like you're the real deal and not an impostor. 522 00:20:31,487 --> 00:20:32,552 Good for you. 523 00:20:34,189 --> 00:20:36,089 - I'm not an intern! - I know. 524 00:20:36,125 --> 00:20:38,158 I was bringing you a goldfish to apologize. 525 00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,327 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 526 00:20:40,362 --> 00:20:41,709 Oh, no. 527 00:20:41,803 --> 00:20:43,169 Avocados are back on the shelves, 528 00:20:43,205 --> 00:20:45,271 and Angelinos are back to being happy. 529 00:20:45,307 --> 00:20:46,505 On the outside. 530 00:20:46,638 --> 00:20:48,742 I just want to thank Mayor Bremer. 531 00:20:48,777 --> 00:20:50,777 Now my baby's back on keto. 532 00:20:50,812 --> 00:20:53,213 I know, this is three months postpartum? 533 00:20:53,248 --> 00:20:54,981 Well, there's always a solution, Tommy. 534 00:20:55,017 --> 00:20:57,283 Solution. That reminds me. 535 00:20:57,319 --> 00:20:58,892 I have to go flush out my dog bites. 536 00:20:58,917 --> 00:21:00,854 We're joined now live by the mayor's chief of staff, 537 00:21:00,889 --> 00:21:02,188 Mikaela Shaw, who, uh... 538 00:21:02,224 --> 00:21:05,392 Ms. Shaw? 539 00:21:05,427 --> 00:21:08,161 Harry Potter, take me to the ball? 540 00:21:08,196 --> 00:21:09,629 'Bout Cho Chang? 541 00:21:09,664 --> 00:21:11,164 - Ms. Shaw? - Whatever. 542 00:21:11,199 --> 00:21:12,399 I'll boogie. 543 00:21:13,918 --> 00:21:15,057 Ms. Shaw? 544 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,274 No further questions. 545 00:21:19,345 --> 00:21:23,345 -- Subs by kinglouisxx -- for www.addic7ed.com