[CELL PHONE BUZZES]
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
- What? I didn't hear my alarm go off. - That's 'cause it's only 6:23.
Oh, give me my seven more minutes,
- for the love of the Lord. - No!
I can't wait to tell you any longer.
Oh, no. Did someone die?
Please, don't let anyone be dead.
No one died, except my former child-self,
who was murdered by sex!
Miles and I had sex last night.
[SQUEALS]
You've been waiting for so long for this moment.
I don't even know what you're gonna obsess over now.
Hey, shut up!
Well, tell me everything. How was it?
Okay, the first time was really slow,
and romantic, and sweet, and gentle.
Wait. The first time?
Yes. And then the third time
was really this just surprised continuation
of the end of the second time,
but the fourth time was the best time.
You had sex four times in one night?
Mm-hm.
I didn't know that was possible. Why was the fourth time the best?
Because that was the time I had an orgasm
while he was inside of me.
I had a sex-gasm.
- You did? - Yes!
And it was, like, so different than when I do it to myself, you know?
But it was also different than when.
Miles made it happen with other stuff.
I can't really explain it. It was, like, deeper.
I saw fireworks or, like, fire dancers.
People eating fire. I don't know.
What did you see the first time you came with Luke?
Oh. Um...
Like, balls of fire and God.
He asked about Chloe, he's so nice.
Cool.
I'm sorry that I asked about Luke.
Are you doing okay?
Oh, better than him.
Oh, my God, 27 text messages.
Poor guy.
Actually, props for his Bitmoji. It's, like, really accurate.
I don't know what to say. You know?
Like... I don't want him to hurt,
but I'm not actually feeling sad about it.
And I'm trying to. Like...
Like, last night, I watched a really serious movie
to try and make myself cry
and I just ended up feeling really smart and happy
because it had subtitles.
[SCOFFS] You never could have watched that with Luke. He reads so slow.
I know he's, like, "Why would I read a movie?
I don't drink meatloaf."
I think you made the right choice.
You deserve to be with somebody
who makes you feel the way Miles makes me feel.
And how is that?
Like a grown-ass woman.
[THEME MUSIC]
[VOCALIZING]
[DEBBIE CLEARS THROAT]
Jugo de Naranja?
I went shopping down at that Mexican market.
I think we all need to learn to broaden our taste buds.
- [BLAIR] Mmm. - [DEBBIE CLEARS THROAT]
Okay, fine.
Girls... [EXHALES DEEPLY]
...we're going to have to cut some corners now.
[BLAIR] Now that what?
Now that I'm unemployed.
Your mother's pretty disappointed about that, if you hadn't noticed.
Well, I'm not disappointed, honey.
I... I want whatever makes you happiest.
Which, apparently, is hunting deer on a weekday.
[ANDERSON] It could be dinner. Besides, it's been nice to relax a bit.
Clear my mind.
Think about what I want to do next. [CHUCKLES]
Please don't leave me, honey.
Promise me you won't.
- Promise me, baby. - [CHUCKLES]
Promise me, please, promise.
Yeah. I promise. That's enough. [CHUCKLES]
Anyway, Sterling's debate championship is tomorrow.
Exciting, right?
[DEBBIE] Very exciting.
I wish you'd let your father and me come.
I'm sorry, Mom. It's just, this one's a really big one
and I don't want to panic and fold.
And having you there would only stress me out more.
Your mother's always had that effect on people.
Wow. Mm.
[ANDERSON] I wa...
[ANDERSON SIGHS]
[RECEDING FOOTSTEPS]
Uh, wow.
Mom and Dad are both on their periods, it seems like.
Did you know that guys can get their periods, too?
Like, hormonally?
Of course I knew that.
I know a lot of things.
And... I know a lot of things that you don't know.
Sex has made you a little bit insufferable.
Listen up, forensics warriors.
As you know by now,
Willingham is hosting the citywide tournament tomorrow,
and we're going to do what?
- Win! - Oh. [SQUEALS]
Now, "Winning isn't everything."
Said no one in this room, right?
Miss Johnson has graciously volunteered to assist us.
I assume you have debate experience?
Oh, yes, sir.
Oh, my mail person was leaving things behind my planter,
so I said, "Excuse me.
Could you please put my stuff in my slot?
Because we have gophers and we have robbers."
And so we had this whole little back and forth.
Oh, but now guess what?
She does what I ask.
On... On most days.
Well, I can assure us all that I know how to win a point
and let me tell you,
as the school's first white female captain,
I am honored to lead you.
I miss Linda Chatterjee's grace and unflappable cheer.
I miss her too,
but she has taken her formidable brain
and remarkably large overbite
- to the leftist coast at Stanford. - [ELLEN] Hm.
So, with the Lord's help, we will soldier through.
I've prepared dossiers on every school's forensics captain,
including this year's defending champion, Craig Wu.
[ELLEN] Ooh.
The dossiers include: Strengths, weaknesses,
marital status of the parents
and yes, perceived hotness at their respective schools.
All of us need to be on point tomorrow.
We don't want any screw-ups like last year.
[SIGHS]
Therefore, federal funding for transportation infrastructure
- should not be guaranteed. - [TICKING]
Isn't improving ports the most federal of responsibilities?
Federal government investment is needed
to maintain the US as a world leader in global commerce.
- You make a great point. - [TIMER BEEPS]
[MAN] Don't worry, Wesley.
Tomorrow's a new day, so go get some sleep.
And all of you, if you come in here looking bleary-eyed,
I will pin you down and Visine you myself.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Girls, try to remember that you're on the same team.
You used to be so close.
I'm sure you can find that again.
Just try.
Coach, I was thinking about bringing muffins to the other teams.
I was thinking, would you want to go in halfsies or...
[ELLEN CONTINUES TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
We used to be on the same page, like, all the time.
Did we?
Maybe I blocked it out.
Come on.
Remember in fifth grade when we convinced Mrs. Willis
that we should have a lesson
on the cultural significance of the "Bad Blood" music video?
Till that rat-faced Marcy Browning reminded her of our quiz.
She was the worst.
Total narc.
At least I still got 100 on that quiz.
I got 95 because I spelled Quakers with a "C".
"Quackers".
It drove me crazy for, like, a month.
[BOTH LAUGH]
We need to be on each other's sides to win,
but after tomorrow, it's back to normal.
I.e., me knowing that you're fake
and being the only person in school who can see it.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Did you know that the French call the moment of orgasm.
"The Little Death"?
Do you think cumming is like dying?
If it is, then I'm like a cat with nine lives,
and I just used a big one.
[CHUCKLES] But I'm gonna need, like, 9,000 lives
if I die a little bit every time I have a sex orgasm.
Ah, here it is.
Okay. I think we've reached a point in our relationship
where I would like stronger boundaries.
The next time Miles and I have sex I'm going to be, like...
[GRUNTING]
And then I'm gonna flip him over
and I'm gonna be like bam! Bam! Bam!
And then he's gonna be, like... [MOANS]
And then I'm going to do this thing with my hips that I read about,
and he's gonna be, like, [SQUEALS]
Okay, I don't wanna hear anymore.
Wait, I'm just getting to the best part.
Then I'm gonna grab his neck and I'm gonna pull...
Stop it!
Dude, what's up?
I lied, I've never had an orgasm with Luke! I...
Oh, shit.
Oh.
[SIGHS] I'm so sorry.
I thought he would have hit the spot, like, at least once.
You know what they say,
"Even a blind squirrel trips over a nut every once in a while."
We only had sex six times.
Um... [SIGHS]
Well, sex orgasms are really hard for a girl.
I mean, did you ever get close when he was going down on you?
We only did that one time and, uh, it didn't feel very good.
One of the guys on his golf team said that he should say,
"Peanut butter lumberjack,"
and he almost suffocated.
Um, why didn't you tell him what to do?
What? You can't talk during sexual activities.
What? How else is he supposed to know?
The only reason I came with Miles
is because I told him precisely how it works when I'm alone.
I literally wrote it down on my iPad
and showed him the notes in between takes, I mean...
- [GASPS] - Hold on.
Did you ever use that vibrator that I got you?
Or read any of those articles on self-pleasure?
They were great stocking stuffers, truly...
You've never masturbated.
Or had an orgasm.
At all.
No, and don't make fun of me. Or Luke.
We tried.
Hey, it's okay.
No judgment.
It's just... it's a great use of after-school time
and then also, you get to tell somebody exactly what it is you like.
I would highly recommend doing it yourself
before you go out on the open road.
Who says I'm going to do that?
Why wouldn't you? The world is your jizz oyster.
- Ew. - Look around you.
You can have any guy you want.
I guess I am kind of curious
to see what it's like to kiss someone else, like...
maybe Darren Boggs?
Yes!
Ooh, or Brett McNease.
You could even touch his butt.
If you could get your hands around that thing.
It's a monster.
I would never hook up with someone from school, though,
so I can get called a slut again.
- Mm. - I mean, me and God are cool.
But the Judgment of the Willingham student body
is a different story.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Hey, who says he has to be from this school?
You can scroll through Geekster.
Hey, he's cute in, like, a Space Camp kind of way.
- [BLAIR] Hm. - Always go for the nerds.
They're the ones who end up being the most successful.
Excuse me! We plan on making our own money.
Sure, mija, but I don't live in a zero-sum world.
Money, plus more money, equals fuck you money.
- [BOWSER] All right. - Yes, it does.
Sent out mailers for free yogurt
to our list of low-rent Dekalb skips.
How do you know they're going to come?
Trust me, I've done this a bunch of times in Florida.
Criminals are hungry, stupid people.
- That is a hurtful stereotype. - I'm hungry, and stupid,
- and I'm not a criminal. - So...
tomorrow, when they show up with their bogus coupons,
we arrest them.
And then once we get a good-sized group,
we'll load 'em up in here
and off we go to the county jail.
Wait, is that tomorrow?
I started this out with, "So tomorrow." Yes, Sterling.
Dang it! I thought it was Sunday. I have my forensics tournament tomorrow.
Your forgetfulness is disappointing but not surprising.
So here's who the three of us will be apprehending.
This guy is missing four teeth.
Also, he's only worth 100 dollars.
Well, you don't need teeth for yogurt.
And yes, only a hundred,
but an easy day worth of these folks is a pretty penny.
Speak for yourself. A hundred for y'all if you bring him in,
if you don't, that's negative one-thousand for me.
- [INHALES THROUGH TEETH] - Wow, your business cycle
really relies on Bowser being good at his job.
That's why my black book of bounty hunters is very thick.
I rely on Bowser, Terrance, Chuck, Perry D,
Michael, Rojelio, Jorge...
Okay, all right.
Enough naming your boyfriends. I'm your favorite.
Not after this stupid plan.
- Stupid? [CHUCKLES] - Mm-hm.
Instead of wasting whole days chasing fifty buck skips,
they all come to us in one big bunch.
That's genius if you ask me.
Oh, Einstein.
Mm-hm. You're just mad 'cause you gotta get your hands dirty.
- [CHUCKLES] - Please.
The old Yolanda used to love that.
- Oh, gross. - Ooh, like how?
Wrangling drunks in the club. Mm-hm.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I was a cop, and she was a bouncer.
- Yeah. - That's before she got soft.
[GASPS] You should talk, Krispy Kreme.
- [BOWSER MUMBLES] - Although, I do endorse this shirt.
Oh, you got love for Tommy Bahama, huh?
Well, any place that sells a burger and a blouse is okay with me.
[YOLANDA AND BOWSER CHUCKLE]
What the actual heck?
She's basically undressing Bowser with her eyes.
I think she was just complimenting his shirt.
But it's hideous.
She obviously wants to get with him, sex style.
Sex. She wants to have sex with him
and we need to clear the way.
But wait, he married her sister,
so if he sleeps with Yolanda,
it's like he's sleeping with his sister.
But in reality, Yolanda was already his former wife's sister
when they did the dirty the first time,
so, technically, they've been doing an incestuous ménage à trois
this entire time.
Wow, your brain works really quickly when it comes to intercourse.
Yeah, it does.
Hey Bow-Wow, I can't attend coupon day either
because I have to go support Sterling and be her good luck charm.
[GASPS] Aw!
I always lose in the first round.
Yeah, that's because I'm never there.
So, I guess you guys are doing this thing together.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my gosh. You guys are so cute.
- [CELL PHONE CLICKS] - [BLAIR] Ohhh.
I'll send it to you.
[GASPS]
Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Can I borrow this?
Depends. You gonna bring it back?
If the way I borrow Sterling's bras is any indication,
probably in two to three years,
and may be stretched out a little bit.
- Fine. - Thank you.
Thanks for coming with me tomorrow.
I really wouldn't mind kicking butt for a change.
Don't be weird.
I just said that to give Yolanda and Bowser time to get busy.
Really, I'm going to hang out with Miles,
make sweet love, and talk about adult things like the Federal Reserve
- or doing laundry. - Thrilling.
Hey! Hit me as hard as you can.
It's designed to stop bullets, not hands.
Just pretend that you're an immature teenage bank robber
and I'm a sexy adult FBI agent trying to stop you.
Okay, fine!
But I'm a grown-ass bank robber
with an opioid addiction and a really tragic backstory.
Wait! Opioid addiction isn't funny.
Okay, fine. No addiction, just still a really tragic backstory, okay?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
I can take you. Oh, my God!
[GIGGLING]
[CAR APPROACHES]
- Was that Mom? - I think so!
Did she just see us standing in front of an RV with bail bonds
- and me in a bulletproof vest? - Looks like it.
Holy shit.
Oh, we're so busted!
- Mom knows we're bounty hunters! - Mom thinks we're slacking off at work...
We're bounty hunters!
That's what I was gonna say.
- Hey. - Oh, hey, Mom. Hope you had a great day.
We totally did. We worked so hard.
Yeah, which you already know since you saw us outside the yogurt shop today.
Yeah, you should have stopped and said hi.
We would have introduced you
to this wonderful, incredible woman that Bowser knows.
Her name is Yolanda and she's a nun,
and she drives around delivering yogurt to underserved youth.
She's bailing out hunger.
[STERLING] Yeah, while also creating a bond.
You might have also noticed that new vest that I was sporting.
It's from H&M, their new Desert Storm collection.
What a deal.
[FORCED CHUCKLE]
Right. Well, yeah, and I would have stopped myself,
but I was having drinks with the girls across town
and I was in a big hurry. [CHUCKLES]
She got a promotion, Sheila did, so we were celebrating.
Anyway... Um...
I know that I've been acting... [GIGGLES] stressed out lately,
but I want you both to know we are all good here.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay. Come here.
[CHUCKLES]
[KISSING]
Love y'all.
She was lying.
No, she wasn't. You're so dramatic.
Lack of eye contact, quickly changing the subject,
and since when does Mom ride in an Uber?
She says that she hates them because they smell like people.
What does Mom have to lie about?
I don't know, but she's obviously hiding something.
We just have to figure out what it is.
No, we don't.
We both know Mom can be a bit much sometimes
but actually, with all things considered, she's been pretty cool to me lately,
and I think that she deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Of course she's been cool to you.
You're her favorite.
I don't have that luxury.
I can see her way more clearly than you can.
You're... a parakeet living in her gilded cage.
I look nothing like a parakeet.
An eagle maybe, or, like, a really pretty hawk.
Nope. You're a tiny blonde parakeet
and I'm a sexy, wise raven
living outside the cage with no access to bird food or water.
She's up to something.
I'm gonna figure out what.
Wow, you are really taking this "sex-gave-me-X-ray-vision" thing
to a whole new level.
It's right there in front of our faces, Sterl.
Or you're making it up out of boredom,
like that summer the pool shut down
and you thought that Mrs. Miller across the street was burying a body.
[GRUNTS] Who gardens at one in the morning?
Like, nobody!
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Sterling! You look amazing.
I know you're gonna do great today.
And I...
[GROANS] I can't.
I attempted to picture you as someone I love and respect,
but it's too much work.
- Even God rested on the seventh day. - Wu! Wu!
Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu!
Wu! Wu! Wu!
There he is. Craig Wu.
Last year's champion, this year's roadkill.
And not the cute kind where they look like they're sleeping.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Hey.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- [BLAIR] Hey. - Hey.
Um, I don't know if I could do this whole Geekster thing.
I mean, I'm excited to explore but I...
But nothing. Just pick one and hop on.
Okay. What does that even mean?
It means don't overthink it.
You've never even kissed another guy.
Just experiment.
You're in the driver's seat.
What?
Am I just supposed to walk up to one of these guys
and be, like, "Hey, do you want to make out with me?"
Whoa.
Your tongue is scratchy.
Like a cat's.
Did you like it?
Yeah, I did.
Wow. Thank you for broadening my horizons.
Good luck on your debate.
Welcome.
Morning.
I'm here for my free yogurt.
- Do you have your coupon? - Yes, sir. Got it right here.
Uh-huh.
Well, if you just follow me into my office and fill out some paperwork,
we'll get you your yogurt.
[CHUCKLES]
Welcome to the party, my bro.
I'm gonna sue y'all, I really am.
Do I still get the yogurt?
Sure, we'll give it to you on your way to jail.
I mean, everybody's parents have stuff they don't want you to know about.
Doesn't mean it's all secret, evil Darth Vader stuff.
Then why hide it?
Look, if she's spending this much energy lying about it,
it must be serious.
Not necessarily.
Take my mom,
the first and only African-American female senator from our district.
- Mm-hm. - Check it, she doesn't know I know this
but before her last election, she went to a tanning salon.
What?
Her media consultant said that her skin tone
polls differently in different regions
based on the socio-economic makeup.
- I... - Yeah, I don't know.
She had this big debate coming up.
Let's just say she went from latte to mocha.
By the time we got to Bankhead, she was black, no sugar.
- No! [LAUGHS] - [APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS]
Well, hello there, Miles.
I didn't know that you two were here...
alone. Hm.
Seems like I could have gotten a text about that.
Uh, Dad's out back in the wood shop whittling ducks.
Good, money right in our pockets.
Well, hello, Miss Wesley. You look very nice today.
Oh, well, thank you.
You certainly know how to flatter. [CHUCKLES]
You must get that from your mother. Always campaigning?
You know, I know that your mother and I have different politics.
Oh, Lord, that straw ban...
Makes it impossible to drink an iced latte without messing up my lipstick,
but, nonetheless, I am so glad
that Blair can be around different kinds of people and...
absorb... er... different cultures. [CHUCKLES]
Oh. Uh, yes. It's such a complete pleasure to be...
black in front of your daughter.
Good.
Um, I'm gonna run out and go do some errands. And you two?
We're just gonna hang out...
and watch cartoons.
You know, childlike things.
Well, I'll be back in a little bit.
Oh, and, uh...
[CLICKS TEETH]
Leave room for Jesus.
- Yeah. - Oh.
Got it.
[BLAIR] Bye.
[DEBBIE] Bye!
Let's go.
- What? Go where? - [DOOR SHUTS]
We're going to follow her.
She's up to something and I want to figure out what it is.
Do we really have to be spies and shit?
I just wanted to kick it.
Think about it this way.
We actually are spies,
and we're on a super dangerous mission
to bring us closer...
and closer.
It is very hard to argue with you.
Mm-hm.
And you get to absorb more of my culture on the way.
Please erase that interaction from your memory.
Mm-mm, no. It's already ingrained.
Please!
[TAPPING OVER LOUDSPEAKER]
Good morning, everyone.
And welcome to Willingham Academy
for the Southeastern Semi-Quarter Regional Forensics Tournament!
[CHUCKLES]
Whoo!
Okay.
Now, today's topic is:
Should governments be held responsible
for economic reparations
for their own country's historical injustices.
I'm about to text everyone
their first room assignments and their opponents
in tres, dos, unos...
[CELL PHONE BLEEPS]
[MULTIPLE CELL PHONE ALERTS BLEEP]
[STUDENTS CHEERING]
[ELLEN] Whoo! Let's debate!
Remember, you're the affirmative in this round
so affirm that dude's place in hell.
- Crusader-style! - Got it, coach.
I know cross usually trips you up,
but don't focus on the curveball.
Just lean into it. Move when he moves.
Dance with him.
Sweet moves.
Why are you so relaxed?
You're usually crying hysterically by now.
I don't know, just feeling as chill as a scratchy-tongued cat.
I don't know what that means.
Neither do I.
Just win.
Hello, opponent.
[TIMER STARTS TICKING]
I affirm that government should be responsible
for economic reparations for their country's historic injustices.
Throughout our shared global history,
crimes against humanity have had unintended consequences
that have yet to be remedied...
My opponent has made some valid points,
and sure, in theory, reparations are great.
But who decides the definition of an atrocity?
Well, let's start with six million Jews,
fifty million Africans who died in the Middle Passage,
and the genocide of the American Indians.
Are you saying the nature of these horrors are up for debate?
No, no, no, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.
You... You... You can't debate these kind of...
[ALARM BEEPS]
- [BEEPING STOPS] - Time.
[SIGHS]
I won. I actually made it through the first round.
Oh. I've never thought I would say this to you at one of these tournaments,
but congratulations.
Thank you.
Are you on Ritalin or something?
Or did you go up a bra size?
No, why?
How are you getting all this confidence?
Just hitting my stride, I guess.
Uh, my dudes.
Could I trouble you for some water?
Yeah, you got to give us water.
Basic human right.
[BOWSER] We don't have to do shit. Huh?
You signed your rights away the day the lovely Miss Yolanda here
generously paid your bond.
We didn't even get any damn yogurt.
And you promised.
Well, you promised you wouldn't skip bail.
Do you remember that?
[LOUD THUD]
[ENGINE RUMBLING]
["WORK IT" PLAYING]
My God!
Yay!
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Sterling. Yes!
[WITH BRITISH ACCENT] Many atrocities have proved the need
for just and impartial reparations.
For example, genocide of the Aborigines
is a classic tragedy of epic proportions...
[CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
♪ I put my thing down Flip it and reverse it ♪
♪ Ti esrever dna ti pilf ♪
I'd just like to congratulate you
- on your victory. - I don't care. Just say words.
British words.
Uh, garage. Privacy. Aluminum.
Ron Weasley.
♪ Lost a few pounds and my waist for ya ♪
♪ This the kinda beat that go ra-ta-ta ♪
♪ Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta ♪
♪ Sex me so good I say blah-blah-blah ♪
♪ Work it, I need a glass of water ♪
♪ Boy, oh boy, it's good to know ya ♪
♪ Is it worth it? Let me work it ♪
♪ I put my thing down Flip it and reverse it ♪
♪ Ti esrever dna ti pilf Nwod gniht ym tup ♪
♪ If you got a big... [ELEPHANT TRUMPET] Let me search ya ♪
♪ And find out how hard I gotta work ya ♪
How do you feel about not asking questions, Miss Cathy?
Aye-aye, Cap'n.
♪ Sdrawkcab ti ekat ot ekil YssiM yaw eht hctaw ♪
♪ I'm not a prostitute But I could give you what you want ♪
♪ I love your braids And your mouth full of fronts ♪
...in Rhodesia, by European nations...
♪ Keep your eyes On my bum-bum-bum-bum-bum ♪
♪ You think you can handle this Badonka-donk-donk ♪
Should I... switch hands?
♪ Is it worth it? Let me work it ♪
♪ I put my thing down Flip it and reverse it ♪
♪ Ti esrever dna ti pilf Nwod gniht ym tup ♪
♪ If you got a big... [ELEPHANT TRUMPET] Let me search ya ♪
♪ And find out how hard I gotta work ya ♪
♪ Ti esrever dna ti pilf Nwod gniht ym tup ♪
♪ C'mon to my fellas ♪
♪ I like the way you work that ♪
So, in conclusion, what my opponent said
- is forensically unsupportable. - Mm-hm.
[ALL MUTTERING]
♪ You sure know how to work that ♪
- All right! Yes. - Yes.
Thank you.
Oh oh.
[ELLEN SIGHS]
[STUDENTS] Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu!
Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu!
Wu! Wu! Wu!
Turns out Craig had his own dossier on me.
You got out-dossiered?
He said things about me I've never told anybody in my entire life.
How does he know I fell out of my canoe at camp?
I swam to shore by myself.
Why didn't you use your intel?
I was about to and then he brought up my dad and I fell apart.
It sucks you're going through this.
It's all fine.
I'm still the team's first white female captain,
and we... are still going to win.
How? If Craig beat you, what chance do I have?
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
You were never supposed to make it this far.
So, he doesn't have a dossier on you.
Your being a giant nobody has finally paid off.
Thanks?
All you have to do is use this last bit of dirt.
It'll be the final nail in his coffin.
H... His mom slept with her trainer?
How do you know this?
I lift. I asked around.
Okay...
Um... How am I supposed to use this?
He's the affirmative.
Part of his case is built on the personal anecdote
of his parents' divorce.
It's that weird thing
where you appear vulnerable to appear strong.
He'll give you the opening you need.
I don't know if I can stoop that low.
He did it to me.
Besides, stooping low is something
you've proven yourself very capable of in the past.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, please. Back when we were friends in fifth grade
and you gave me away to Jessica's group at recess.
What are you talking about?
You...
We just stopped hanging out and you started hanging out with Jessica
because you had more in common with her.
No.
You very specifically and intentionally gave me away.
You, and Blair, and Hannah S, and Hannah G were playing soccer
and I was going to sit on the swings and memorize the Republican presidents.
Then you came up to me.
You took me over to Jessica
and you said, "April's in your group now."
And then you walked away.
I don't remember it like that.
I do.
I don't know... I don't know what to say.
If that's true, then I'm so sorry.
It doesn't matter.
The past is the past.
We're all adults here.
- No, April. I want to talk about it. - We just did.
So...
if you have a shred of decency,
you will bring up this boy's philandering mother
in front of his friends and family.
[DUCKS QUACKING]
I am so bored right now.
I can feel my hair growing.
Either she starts selling drugs in the next five minutes,
or I'm going to run her over.
[CELL PHONE DINGS]
[CELL PHONE CLICKS]
[CELL PHONE BLEEPS]
[CELL PHONE CLICKS OFF]
- Hey. - Mm.
I have to get going.
I promised my mom I'd help stuff flyers.
I'm sorry.
We didn't even get to the end of the mission
where we get to, like, bang in Thailand.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, well, that's what tomorrows are for.
- Oh, Yeah? - Yeah.
Bring that red wig.
Okay. Only if you wear it.
- You want me to drive you home? - No, the MARTA's right there.
Besides, you don't want to miss it
if she, like, starts counting leaves or something.
Oh, yeah, everything's a joke to you.
Later.
Bye!
[DOOR SHUTS]
[SHOUTING]
[GRUNTS]
[CELL PHONE DINGS]
Officer said if you finish those BOBs before five,
he can process before the shift change.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- That's great. - Mm.
- Hey, thanks for sticking around. - Did I have a choice?
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Easy day, my ass.
Quit your bellyaching. You had fun.
Maybe. I guess we don't make a half bad team.
Yeah, I always thought so.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
You have a funny way of showing it.
You're saying I'm funny? Thank you.
- [BOWSER CHUCKLES] - [YOLANDA SIGHS]
I'm saying if you had such a good time with me that one and only night,
why didn't you lock it down?
Why didn't you ask me to?
I had to ask?
Well, I'm not a mind reader,
and you wasn't emmitin' no commitment vibes.
And my sister was?
She at least acted like she was interested.
Oh, please.
Miss Michelle was probably still coming down from Burning Man.
Well, then you should have asked her to save you a hit of whatever it was.
- And that would have changed things? - I don't know, I can't time travel.
Or read minds.
- You know... - Mm-hm.
If you keep reminding me of all the super powers I don't have...
- Yes? - ...you'll miss the ones I do have.
Like your brute strength?
And my winning smile.
Yeah, and I have X-ray vision. I can see through shit.
- "I can see through shit." - Yes, I can!
[SIGHS]
So, how is Michelle doing anyway?
Fine.
- Yeah? - Mm-hm.
What is she up to?
[CHUCKLES]
- You know Michelle. - Mm-hm.
She's either visiting an ostrich farm
or trying to become an astronaut.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. She tried to convince me once to grow crystals in our bathroom.
[CHUCKLES] Said we'd make a fortune.
[YOLANDA CHUCKLES]
I should get going.
Hey, are you sure?
Yeah. Tow truck will be showing up soon.
My whole life's in that thing.
Yes, but in a hyper-capitalist framework,
reparations would be counter-intuitive to a nation's productivity.
I'd contend that a nation's productivity would improve
if its citizens could endorse their government's morality.
Isn't that what this is all about, anyway?
What's right and what's wrong?
Take my parents, for example.
They got divorced.
It was amicable.
But only because my father made reparations to my mother
for being absent for many years.
So you're contending that your mother was the victim?
I... I guess, but I mean that the situation was resolved
because one party admitted guilt.
One party?
My point is that institutions as small as families and as big as nations
can only move on with the truth.
I mean, don't you think when someone was wronged in the past
that the offending party has an obligation to address that grievance?
Even if it's years later?
You make a great point.
[SIGHS]
Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu!
Wu! Wu! Wu!
- We did it, boys! Yes! - Wu! Wu! Wu! Wu!
Wu! Wu! Wu!
Hey! What was that?
Why didn't you drop the trainer hammer?
I'm sorry, the moment came and I just couldn't do it.
Oh, so, you can be mean when it helps you
but not when it might actually help me?
[SIGHS] You're right.
You're right, April. You're right about a lot of stuff,
like the fact that I was your bully.
What are you talking about?
In fifth grade, we were close and I gave you away and I'm sorry.
What?
I don't care about your stupid apology.
You know what's going on with my family right now.
We have become the black sheep of the entire community.
I needed a win.
Healing of our relationship is bigger than a win.
Says the person who wins all the time!
- April...! - No!
You screwed me over then and you screwed me over now.
I didn't think our relationship could get worse.
I was wrong.
Hey, I just wanted to congratulate you.
- Hope to see you next year? - Thanks.
[BREATHING FAST]
[MOANS ECSTATICALLY]
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]
Uh... hmm.
[DOORS THUD]
["MOTHER" PLAYING]
♪ Mother ♪
♪ Tell your children not to walk my way ♪
♪ Tell your children Not to hear my words ♪
♪ What they mean What they say ♪
♪ Mother ♪
♪ Can you keep them in the dark for life?
♪ Can you hide them From the waiting world ♪
♪ Oh mother ♪
♪ Father ♪
♪ Gonna take your daughter out tonight ♪
♪ Gonna show her my world ♪
♪ Oh father ♪
♪ Not about to see your light ♪
♪ But if you want to find hell with me ♪
♪ I can show you what it's like ♪
♪ Till you're bleeding ♪
♪ Not about to see your light ♪
♪ But if you want to find hell with me ♪
♪ I can show you what it's ♪
♪ Mother ♪
♪ Tell your children Not to hold my hand ♪
♪ Tell your children not to understand ♪
♪ Oh mother ♪
♪ Father ♪
♪ Do you want to bang heads with me ♪
♪ Do you want to feel everything ♪
♪ Oh father ♪
♪ Not about to see your light ♪
♪ And if you want to find hell with me ♪
♪ I can show you what it's like ♪