1 00:00:00,209 --> 00:00:01,339 Help! 2 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:10,387 That hurts like a motherfucker! 3 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,143 Possum tits that hurts! 4 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:28,704 Abigail. 5 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,449 Oh, no! 6 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,951 Abigail. 7 00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:36,951 Oh, that's not right. 8 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,041 Monster! 9 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,785 Abigail it's me, it's Gilbert! 10 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,167 What? Who? 11 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,464 Gilbert, your husband. 12 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,508 Who you loved before the amnesia. 13 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:50,971 Nice try, Gilbert. 14 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,261 What are you doing here? 15 00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:56,184 Well I like a little self-care too. But, I saw your pubic message 16 00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:57,845 and I wanted to make sure you were safe. 17 00:00:57,933 --> 00:01:00,103 That's very kind but you smell like sushi 18 00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:01,895 that's been sprayed with men's cologne. 19 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,189 Well, what happened here? 20 00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:06,232 Well, I was taking a nice sauna, 21 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:09,356 and someone locked me in there and turned up the heat. 22 00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:11,823 It was more terrifying 23 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,825 than that solstice vaginal steam I had earlier. 24 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,198 Hey, I got that one too. 25 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:21,829 Ding-dong. 26 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:28,052 I don't like just laying here and doing nothing! 27 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:31,220 I feel as useless as a penis at the Lilith Fair! 28 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:34,430 Aunt Abigail, I know you're a real tough bitch. 29 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,511 But you have to let me help you. 30 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,557 So let me help you! 31 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,270 Listen to your niece. 32 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,350 Jerry, what are you doing in my bedroom? 33 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:45,152 Did you just let yourself in? 34 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,190 I don't mean to intrude, but I took the liberty 35 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:50,154 of hiring you a bodyguard for the next few weeks. 36 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:53,605 I can't have you dying before you finish your next novel. 37 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,947 You've got a really weird sense of humor. 38 00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,493 I'm trying to lighten the mood and make you feel safer. 39 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:03,077 This is your bodyguard whose name is... 40 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,875 -Yoda. -Yoda. 41 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,998 Wait that-- That can't be right. 42 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,416 You're named after Yoda? 43 00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:11,125 Jedi master, Yoda? 44 00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:14,295 Resident of Dagobah? Original seat on the-- 45 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:18,104 My parents named me Yoda way before those stupid movies! 46 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,850 Everything was fine and then Empire Strikes Back comes out, 47 00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:23,983 and Yoda's the name of this weird little monster. 48 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,441 Okay, well. 49 00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:29,651 Yoda will be at your front door all night so that you can finally get some sleep. 50 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,193 No, we don't need him. 51 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:35,656 I'm actually incredibly strong and can really fuck someone up. 52 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:36,909 Bring it. 53 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,080 It's all right, Heidi. 54 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,408 I'm too tired to argue tonight. Let the men be men. 55 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,115 -Well, then it's settled. -All right. 56 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:45,415 Everyone, get out. My aunt needs some beauty sleep. 57 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,919 Beauty sleep? You could not get any more beautiful. 58 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:52,762 No need to butter me up like a hunk of hot sour dough, Jerry. 59 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,220 Abigail, your skin looks amazing. 60 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,760 That mud mask did wonders. 61 00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:01,178 Aunt Abigail? 62 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:04,135 I'm gonna sleep in the dog's room tonight 63 00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:05,726 so that you can rest. 64 00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:06,651 All right. 65 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,558 Now get some sleep. 66 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,015 Yoda. 67 00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,556 To jail you are going. 68 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:52,566 -Why'd you say it like that? -That's how Yoda speaks in Star Wars! 69 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,939 Never saw it, but let me try. 70 00:03:56,278 --> 00:04:01,408 Abigail, I am your killer. 71 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:05,291 You sure you've not seen the films? Because that sounds like Darth Vader. 72 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,290 Don't talk about my little brother! 73 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:12,712 Time to say goodnight forever, Mrs. Mapleworth. 74 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:15,054 Think, Abigail. 75 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,879 How you write yourself out of this one? 76 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:25,178 Mrs. Mapleworth froze as her nemesis moved towards her 77 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,055 in all his hunkiness. 78 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:30,312 She was reminded of a recent self-defense class she attended, 79 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,805 taught by a handsome woman named Dallas, 80 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:37,528 who had arms of steel and fingers like feathers. 81 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,203 You're a force of nature, Mapleworth! 82 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,495 Are you dating anyone? 83 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:49,788 Namaste on the floor, dipshit. 84 00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,043 Mrs. Mapleworth. 85 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,881 And this! 86 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,973 And another one of these, and... 87 00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:03,508 And we have a double elbow to the testiculars. 88 00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:07,274 Get your ass out of my face! 89 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,646 Don't move. Don't move a muscle. 90 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:15,019 -What? -I got flustered. 91 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:18,317 Aunt Abigail, are you okay? 92 00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:19,572 I'm peachy. 93 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,363 You are going to jail. 94 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,816 For attempted murder. 95 00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:24,986 What's your name? What's your name? 96 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,985 -His name's Yoda. -Yoda? 97 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,827 As in pointy-ear Chihuahua Yoda? 98 00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,462 It's a pretty stupid name. 99 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,459 Bills! Cuff him! 100 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,211 He's not here. 101 00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:35,173 He's not here. 102 00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:37,302 Hold this, hold this, hold this. 103 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:42,717 Yeah, how'd that smirk on your face get in that bunk 104 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:45,681 with your cell mate who likes to spoon? 105 00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,394 Hey, where'd you get these from, Toys "R" Us? 106 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:52,604 Shut up. So, we finally found the murderer. 107 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:53,556 No, Bills. 108 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:56,725 -Yoda is simply a paid assassin. -Assassin! 109 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,685 All the black outfit, I knew it! 110 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,735 Same thing happens in all the James Bond movies. 111 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:01,859 Dude always wears black. 112 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:04,195 -He is not the murderer. -Not the murderer! 113 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,781 I was gonna say that until you stole my words. 114 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:11,287 But now, I know who the real murderer is. 115 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:14,211 Don't worry, Morty. Even though Mrs. Mapleworth is unable 116 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:17,291 to finish her new novel because she's dead, 117 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:22,337 I have something I think you're gonna like a lot more. 118 00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:24,425 Hello, Jerry. 119 00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:25,890 Abigail. 120 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,389 You're alive! I mean, you're not dead. 121 00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,562 I mean, you're alive. Damn it! 122 00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:31,981 -What's this, Jerry? -No, nothing! 123 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,729 Oh, you thought with me out of the way, 124 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,900 you could sell Morty some of your own writing? 125 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,649 No! No, I mean, I wrote it. It's my first novel. 126 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,902 But it's pretty good if you ask me. 127 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:42,154 "Something incredible happened 128 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:45,696 and I'm going to tell you the whole entire story right here." 129 00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:48,911 That's terrible writing, it's really shit. 130 00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,792 And what is this trash font? 131 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,829 Comic Sans Any Talent? 132 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,423 Fine, I get it. It stinks. 133 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,919 Call me crazy, but I wouldn't mind reading that. 134 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,381 Shame on you, Jerry. 135 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,841 Trying to get me out of the way in order to further your own career? 136 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,343 I would never-- 137 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,724 You would and you did! Take him away! 138 00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:10,312 Oh, thank God, for once we're gonna get a long, drawn-out Maple log. 139 00:07:10,389 --> 00:07:13,979 But how did you know it was him? Please explain it to us in detail. 140 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,099 You stupid asshole! 141 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:21,226 Well, I was initially suspicious of Jerry when he complimented my skin. 142 00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:25,316 There were only three people who knew that I had a mud mask on at that spa. 143 00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:29,624 Myself, Gilbert, and the person that locked me into the sauna. 144 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:30,780 This is ridiculous. 145 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:35,368 And he's my agent that's why all the books were in the car's trunk. 146 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,915 What about the orange nail polish? 147 00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,829 It wasn't orange nail polish at all. 148 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:42,457 It was orange-colored pencil. The same pencil he uses 149 00:07:42,546 --> 00:07:44,126 to edit all my books. 150 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:47,844 And also to do his color by number paintings in his office. 151 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,596 What about the tissues? 152 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,848 Clearly he has an insatiable masturbation habit. 153 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:54,060 He likes to pop is Perignon. 154 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,731 That is a disgusting lie. 155 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,689 I shove tissues down the front of my pants 156 00:07:57,769 --> 00:08:00,809 to create a bigger pelvic topography. 157 00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:03,318 That's not better. 158 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,400 Okay, fine, you know what? Yes, I tried to kill you. 159 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:10,066 I'm sorry. I loved watching you fly at first, 160 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,037 but then I wanted to be the one with wings. 161 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,368 I guess I should have told you a long time ago. 162 00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:18,254 Jerry if you told me a long time ago I would have fired you. 163 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,502 I don't want to mentor anyone. 164 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,802 Well, of course besides my niece, Heidi. 165 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,170 I think we actually mentor each other, don't we? 166 00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,507 -Okay. -Gilbert, cuff him. 167 00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:32,934 This is the hardest part of my job. 168 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:36,183 Because I'm not good at these. I'm not really good at putting this... 169 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,476 -You okay? -Yeah, I'm all right. 170 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,889 -What your thumb this time. -Okay. 171 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,807 -There we go. -Is that too tight? 172 00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,606 -No, that's fine. -All right. 173 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,609 I want to thank all of you. 174 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,151 Minus Jerry. 175 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:49,235 Heidi, thank you for saving me from the dildo stick of dynamite. 176 00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:52,371 Chief Bills, thank you for saving me from Yoda. 177 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,869 And Gilbert, thank you for rescuing me 178 00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:57,912 from crock potting it in the sauna. 179 00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:02,246 Well, I guess there's just one last mystery for me to solve. 180 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:05,214 I can't find my favorite neck massager... 181 00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,045 Purple Princess.