1 00:00:00,417 --> 00:00:02,917 Heidi, you don't have to be here. It's Saturday night. 2 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,633 Shouldn't you be out with your friends fidgeting each other's spinners? 3 00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:08,215 That's an old one. 4 00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,010 Now we just like listening to people whisper things. 5 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,925 And besides, I like being here with you. 6 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,314 And now, the BcBillan you just can't kill. 7 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:20,354 Oh, my goodness. 8 00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,227 So many beautiful faces tonight. 9 00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:25,734 So kind of you all to be here for this concert 10 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:29,567 to benefit my dead or jailed family members. 11 00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:32,865 My beloved brothers were poisoned 12 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:36,410 by my cunt of a sister right there on the end. 13 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,915 Oh, no, no. Don't feel bad for me, guys. 14 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,788 It's a pretty good diet, really. 15 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:45,085 Just don't eat anything Because you might get poisoned 16 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:51,969 But seriously, though, 17 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,512 I was never allowed to write any of our songs 18 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,636 because of those cocksuckers right there. 19 00:00:56,723 --> 00:01:00,063 But I'm the only one left, so I had no choice. 20 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:02,685 We've got "Short Straw." 21 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,611 Great. 22 00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:13,534 Here we go! 23 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:17,445 I picked the short straw The bruisiest apple 24 00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:20,536 The grocery cart With the fucked-up wheel 25 00:01:20,622 --> 00:01:24,332 I got that short-ass straw That looks like a toothpick 26 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:29,508 The puniest boobs In the whole damn field 27 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:30,760 Short straw 28 00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:35,801 That's right, people. I got that short straw. 29 00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:38,268 And by "Short straw," I mean, "Stripper pole." 30 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,232 Thanks for putting it in, Gene. Wink. 31 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:46,732 Short straw 32 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,243 All right, spin me. Spin me. 33 00:01:52,863 --> 00:01:55,413 I lost feeling down there hours ago. 34 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:06,839 She's dead. 35 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:13,926 Oh, dear. 36 00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:16,639 She's as dead as a goldfish on a couch. 37 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:19,765 You know what? 38 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:22,478 Branda couldn't have been the murderer this time. She's in jail. 39 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:26,899 The good news is that Branda is not the murderer. 40 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,900 The bad news is that Branda 41 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,443 is the murdered! 42 00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:34,858 -No. -What in the hot fudge? 43 00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,777 -How did you know Branda was in there? -I figured it out. 44 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:41,036 Because I stan the BcBillan family so much. 45 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:44,119 And I thank my niece for teaching me the word "Stan." 46 00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,706 My aunt's my best friend. 47 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,665 Don't know why I said that. Why not? 48 00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,763 There are many things about me that are not perfect. 49 00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:52,839 Liar! 50 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:55,973 I have irregular pubic borders, I have butter-soft nails, 51 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,801 and I have a fourth nipple. 52 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,006 Stuff of nightmares. 53 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:02,806 But I do have perfect pitch and that piano was off-key. 54 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:03,891 We didn't notice it 55 00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:08,056 because Broda was actually the most talented musically in the family. 56 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,896 But she didn't get a chance to show it. 57 00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:12,902 She was adjusting to the off-key accompaniment. 58 00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:15,605 -Let me explain this further. -Why don't you sing it? 59 00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,620 You know I can't do that. 60 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,780 Don't be afraid. 61 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,368 Who wants to hear her sing? 62 00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,452 Abigail. 63 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:27,168 Abigail. 64 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,249 Abigail. 65 00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:30,714 Abigail. 66 00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:34,014 When I was in my 20s, a moth flew into my windpipe 67 00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:36,839 and ever since then, I'm terrified to sing in public. 68 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,795 Singing in public, my greatest fear. 69 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,597 Think, Abigail. 70 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,930 How would you write yourself out of this? 71 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:51,645 Mrs. Mapleworth stood center stage in front of 2 million people 72 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:55,072 at the International Arena of Europe. 73 00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:59,322 I'm not afraid anymore 74 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:04,156 I've kicked down that scaredy-cat door 75 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,414 Hey, world 76 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:09,996 Hear me 77 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:15,553 Roar 78 00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,024 You can do it, Aunt Abigail. 79 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:32,112 You see, this is a tale family jealousy 80 00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,689 A destructive tale indeed 81 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:37,145 Prior to the concert Broda bailed out Branda 82 00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:40,696 Even though she was always in her shadow 83 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:43,911 I just don't understand why she has to sing it, you know what I'm saying? 84 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,582 It's not even an actual song. 85 00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:47,961 She's just giving us dry information on the case. 86 00:04:48,038 --> 00:04:51,248 Broda loved her sister But hated brother Brody 87 00:04:51,333 --> 00:04:54,043 So she poisoned him 88 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,957 But wait, there's more 89 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:59,086 Stop half-singing. It's unnatural. 90 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,934 You should be afraid to sing in public. 91 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,140 What is happening right now? 92 00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,809 Oh, now it's a duet. 93 00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:08,309 Then Brody murdered Bran 94 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:11,522 -Because Bran had the best voice -Best voice, best voice 95 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:12,863 And one more thing 96 00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:13,978 Thank the Lord. 97 00:05:14,064 --> 00:05:17,364 Bran gave Branda a breath mint days ago 98 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:20,862 That was a slow-working Russian poison 99 00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:24,656 And she wandered into the piano 100 00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:31,161 Thinking it was a tiny home 101 00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:34,708 -And that's how BBPS -And that's how BBPS 102 00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:38,673 -Died -Died 103 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,800 I'm clapping for all of us because that was amazing. 104 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,847 But wait, who killed Broda? 105 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:49,563 -So-- -Enough with the damn singing! 106 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:52,271 -Who did it? -Death by splits. 107 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:55,652 She died of a broken vulva. 108 00:05:55,731 --> 00:06:00,571 Fun fact, did you know the heart and the vulva are the same organ? 109 00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,452 It's the longest organ in the body. 110 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:07,409 No, actually, sorry. That's not true. I was premed at Princeton. 111 00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,120 Just... 112 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:12,463 Actually, no, I didn't go to classes so it might be. 113 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:13,459 Either or. 114 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,714 All this crying has made me chafe my lips. 115 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,006 Do you have any lip salve? 116 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,220 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 117 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:26,680 I'm sorry, Aunt Abigail. I know it was your favorite band. 118 00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,312 I'll make you a playlist of some of the bands I like 119 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,929 and maybe you'll like them too. 120 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,477 That's very kind of you. 121 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,600 Real talk? 122 00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:38,147 You look like a clown whore. 123 00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,402 Well, that's not the first time I've heard that. 124 00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:44,324 I used to have a lucrative job as a circus prostitute. 125 00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:47,624 And I was always paid under the table, where the B.J.s happened. 126 00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:51,499 Oh, God. I miss B.J.s. Just kidding. 127 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,828 Oh, excuse me. 128 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:59,251 Even though they resented each other... 129 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,506 -And murdered each other. -That's true. 130 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,218 They were still family. 131 00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:06,128 They stuck together till the end. 132 00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:10,389 Yeah. 133 00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:31,029 You'll love this band, Aunt Abigail. They're loud and filthy, 134 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,288 just like you, you disgusting creature. 135 00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,501 I'm actually not staying, dear. 136 00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:40,542 I thought you'd enjoy this concert with a couple new school friends. 137 00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,422 They look like total weirdos. 138 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,296 Yep. 139 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,473 Thank you. I feel seen. 140 00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:54,062 What's up, my bitches? 141 00:07:55,392 --> 00:07:56,692 Oh, no. 142 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,649 Abigail! 143 00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,526 Gilbert. 144 00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,781 Lovely night for a stroll. 145 00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:13,736 May I escort you home? 146 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,867 Yes, of course. 147 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,714 Isn't this pleasant? 148 00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,337 Abigail, watch out!