Heidi, you don't have to be here. It's Saturday night.
Shouldn't you be out with your friends fidgeting each other's spinners?
That's an old one.
Now we just like listening to people whisper things.
And besides, I like being here with you.
And now, the BcBillan you just can't kill.
Oh, my goodness.
So many beautiful faces tonight.
So kind of you all to be here for this concert
to benefit my dead or jailed family members.
My beloved brothers were poisoned
by my cunt of a sister right there on the end.
Oh, no, no. Don't feel bad for me, guys.
It's a pretty good diet, really.
Just don't eat anything Because you might get poisoned
But seriously, though,
I was never allowed to write any of our songs
because of those cocksuckers right there.
But I'm the only one left, so I had no choice.
We've got "Short Straw."
Great.
Here we go!
I picked the short straw The bruisiest apple
The grocery cart With the fucked-up wheel
I got that short-ass straw That looks like a toothpick
The puniest boobs In the whole damn field
Short straw
That's right, people. I got that short straw.
And by "Short straw," I mean, "Stripper pole."
Thanks for putting it in, Gene. Wink.
Short straw
All right, spin me. Spin me.
I lost feeling down there hours ago.
She's dead.
Oh, dear.
She's as dead as a goldfish on a couch.
You know what?
Branda couldn't have been the murderer this time. She's in jail.
The good news is that Branda is not the murderer.
The bad news is that Branda
is the murdered!
-No. -What in the hot fudge?
-How did you know Branda was in there? -I figured it out.
Because I stan the BcBillan family so much.
And I thank my niece for teaching me the word "Stan."
My aunt's my best friend.
Don't know why I said that. Why not?
There are many things about me that are not perfect.
Liar!
I have irregular pubic borders, I have butter-soft nails,
and I have a fourth nipple.
Stuff of nightmares.
But I do have perfect pitch and that piano was off-key.
We didn't notice it
because Broda was actually the most talented musically in the family.
But she didn't get a chance to show it.
She was adjusting to the off-key accompaniment.
-Let me explain this further. -Why don't you sing it?
You know I can't do that.
Don't be afraid.
Who wants to hear her sing?
Abigail.
When I was in my 20s, a moth flew into my windpipe
and ever since then, I'm terrified to sing in public.
Singing in public, my greatest fear.
Think, Abigail.
How would you write yourself out of this?
Mrs. Mapleworth stood center stage in front of 2 million people
at the International Arena of Europe.
I'm not afraid anymore
I've kicked down that scaredy-cat door
Hey, world
Hear me
Roar
You can do it, Aunt Abigail.
You see, this is a tale family jealousy
A destructive tale indeed
Prior to the concert Broda bailed out Branda
Even though she was always in her shadow
I just don't understand why she has to sing it, you know what I'm saying?
It's not even an actual song.
She's just giving us dry information on the case.
Broda loved her sister But hated brother Brody
So she poisoned him
But wait, there's more
Stop half-singing. It's unnatural.
You should be afraid to sing in public.
What is happening right now?
Oh, now it's a duet.
Then Brody murdered Bran
-Because Bran had the best voice -Best voice, best voice
And one more thing
Thank the Lord.
Bran gave Branda a breath mint days ago
That was a slow-working Russian poison
And she wandered into the piano
Thinking it was a tiny home
-And that's how BBPS -And that's how BBPS
-Died -Died
I'm clapping for all of us because that was amazing.
But wait, who killed Broda?
-So-- -Enough with the damn singing!
-Who did it? -Death by splits.
She died of a broken vulva.
Fun fact, did you know the heart and the vulva are the same organ?
It's the longest organ in the body.
No, actually, sorry. That's not true. I was premed at Princeton.
Just...
Actually, no, I didn't go to classes so it might be.
Either or.
All this crying has made me chafe my lips.
Do you have any lip salve?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry, Aunt Abigail. I know it was your favorite band.
I'll make you a playlist of some of the bands I like
and maybe you'll like them too.
That's very kind of you.
Real talk?
You look like a clown whore.
Well, that's not the first time I've heard that.
I used to have a lucrative job as a circus prostitute.
And I was always paid under the table, where the B.J.s happened.
Oh, God. I miss B.J.s. Just kidding.
Oh, excuse me.
Even though they resented each other...
-And murdered each other. -That's true.
They were still family.
They stuck together till the end.
Yeah.
You'll love this band, Aunt Abigail. They're loud and filthy,
just like you, you disgusting creature.
I'm actually not staying, dear.
I thought you'd enjoy this concert with a couple new school friends.
They look like total weirdos.
Yep.
Thank you. I feel seen.
What's up, my bitches?
Oh, no.
Abigail!
Gilbert.
Lovely night for a stroll.
May I escort you home?
Yes, of course.
Isn't this pleasant?
Abigail, watch out!