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ABIGAIL: There's been a murder.

2
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[dramatic music]

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[bell dings]

4
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- Abigail, you know I can't just let you
barge into a crime scene.

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- Gilbert, you know it's always helpful
to have an extra set of eyes.

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- Well, you do have a nice set.
[laughs]

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[clears throat]
Of eyes.

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I--wh--

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what I mean is,
you're a very observant woman.

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I mean, you always notice
when I lose an adult tooth.

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- Let me take just a swift peek

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and maybe I'll find something peculiar.

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[gasps]

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♪ ♪

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Murder by ham!

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- Chief of police here!

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Oh.

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You didn't tell me
that Herlock Holmes was here.

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- Chief of Police Bills.

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- Mm.
How'd she get in here?

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- Through the front door?

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- Not today, Gilbert.

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No, not today, man.

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You're about as sharp
as a baked potato, man.

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I know you got a theory.
What happened here?

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- Well, after solving 116 of your murders,

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you'd think that I'd get a "Come on in."

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- 116?
Christ.

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- It's our job as police officers,

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Gilbert and I, to solve crimes.

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It's your job as a writer
to write your little stories

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for lonely gals laying around
eating chocolate.

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The little round bonbons.

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What are they called?
The round bonbons.

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You--and you got the little cherry inside.

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- What, the maraschino cherry?

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- Yeah, you bite it, and it's like
the bonbon threw up in your mouth.

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- Chief, my niece and I were here
before the murder,

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and we overheard some tidbits
you may want to hear about.

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- You are itching, about to burst,
with the information.

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Please.
Huh?

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I'd love to partake in that.
How about you, Gilbert?

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- Yeah.
- Give it to us.

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- It appears he was killed with ham--

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- Ham!
He was killed with ham.

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- Approximately 15 minutes--

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- 15 minutes ago!
15 minutes ago.

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I was gonna say 15 minutes.
You saw me, right?

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But the spit got caught in my throat.

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You didn't even pat my back
to see if I was choking or not.

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- There is definitely foul play--
- Foul play going on here!

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There's so much foul play in this room,
I can smell it.

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Matter of fact,
we gotta vent this room out

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'cause some more foul play might happen.

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- And if I was looking for a suspect,

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I would check out the competing butcher.

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He seems a little interested
in what we're talking about.

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- Hey, you're being pretty nosy right now
for someone who's not guilty!

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Puence, go get him!
Get him!

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Get him!
Get him!

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God damn it!
Pull it, don't push it!

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It's not a revolving door!

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- Wow, Aunt Abigail,
you're on a writing roll.

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How's the novel coming along?

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- Well, I haven't started it yet,

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but I'm writing a diary entry
about the nature of procrastination...

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- Ha.
- And very shortly,

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I'm getting ready to almost start.

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[keys clacking]

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- I can't believe on my first day here,
someone got murdered.

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It's pretty cool.

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- I mean, that's a normal afternoon
in New Woodstream, dear.

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[laughs]

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But something isn't sitting quite right
with me.

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♪ ♪

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[grunts]

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Ah, there's where that went!

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Well, now that I can think more clearly,

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I don't think Andy Hapsburg
is our murderer.

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He wouldn't hurt a fly!

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- Well, he's a butcher.

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I've got an idea.

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We should talk to the son.

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Bet he knows all his dad's enemies.

85
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- Now, Heidi, we must allow the police

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to have enough time to do their jobs.

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And that's enough time.
Let's go.

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- Yes.

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- It was supposed to be our grand opening,

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but it feels more like a bland opening.

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I wanted to make him proud,
and then he died.

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- I'm so sorry.
- Thanks.

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I'm still gonna open today.

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Dad would've wanted Canelli and Son
to go on.

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I owe him that.

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The way he hated me was the way
a father was supposed to hate his son.

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- Ben Jr., I know this is a terrible time
to ask, but--

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- Who wanted to kill your dad?

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- Easy, Heidi.
[laughs]

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His father just got murdered.

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- Sorry.
I had a generic Red Bull.

102
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- That's all right.
I'm riding on Adderall.

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- What my niece meant to say was,

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who do you think would want
to murder your father?

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- I have no idea who'd wanna ham my dad.

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If I were you guys though,
I'd talk to my mom.

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She's--
- An asshole, we know.

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- I was gonna say she's at home.

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- My apologies.
I misspoke.

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- Well, thanks so much for the tip.

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Um...

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[solemn music]

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Group shot.

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♪ ♪

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BILLS: Come on, Puence.
Puence, come in.

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- Puence here.

117
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BILLS: I'm gonna come over there
and sit next to you.

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- Roger.

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- [sighs]

120
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What do we do here, Andy?

121
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Oh, wow.

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People saw you yelling at Canelli

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before he was hammed.

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- Billy, come on.
You know I'm a yeller.

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[yelling]
It's how I deal with stress!

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You know I would never hurt anyone.

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[yelling]
Except with my voice!

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- You made me run today

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in my standing slacks.

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Oh, that makes me mad.

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You know why?

132
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'Cause my insurance
does not cover chafing.

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- I'm sorry.

134
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I just got really nervous

135
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when everyone turned around
and looked at me

136
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and Mrs. Mapleworth fingered me.

137
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- The bottom line of this, Andy--
you're going to jail for murder.

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[yelling]
If you don't tell us

139
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where the hell you were at 11:40!

140
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- I got the perfect alibi.

141
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[yelling]
And the yelling thing is mine!

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You came into my shop at 11:40.

143
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- You know what?
I was at your shop at 11:40.

144
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- Yes.

145
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- Yeah, I came in here...

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I had a taste for bacon.
I wanted some bacon.

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- Right, remember?

148
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You said you wanted to make some BLTs
for lunch.

149
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- Bacon, lettuce, and tomato.
- BLT.

150
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- I wanted to put it on wheat bread.
- Mm-hmm.

151
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- With a toothpick stuck in it like that.

152
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- And then you got a phone call
and you said, "Ope, I gotta go.

153
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Someone's been murdered."
- Yep, that's what happened.

154
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- So am I free to go?

155
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- Yeah.

156
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Hey, hey, hey, hey, one more thing.

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[dramatic music]

158
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Now...

159
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did I happen to leave that bacon
on that counter?

160
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That I purchased?

161
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'Cause if I did, I wanna talk to you
about getting a meat credit.

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♪ ♪

163
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- [whispering]
I don't think so.

164
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[sleuthing music]

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- Must not be home.

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[gunshot]

167
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Was that a gunshot?

168
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ABIGAIL: Something's amiss.

169
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My Maple sense is tingling,

170
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and not the sexy part.

171
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Heidi, you wait here.

172
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- No.

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♪ ♪

174
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- Now, when you're probing someone,

175
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you have to go for the sweets
before you get the deets.

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[gun cocks]
- Watch out, Aunt Abigail!

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[dramatic musical flourish]
[gunshot]