ABIGAIL: There's been a murder.
[dramatic music]
[bell dings]
- Abigail, you know I can't just let you barge into a crime scene.
- Gilbert, you know it's always helpful to have an extra set of eyes.
- Well, you do have a nice set. [laughs]
[clears throat] Of eyes.
I--wh--
what I mean is, you're a very observant woman.
I mean, you always notice when I lose an adult tooth.
- Let me take just a swift peek
and maybe I'll find something peculiar.
[gasps]
♪ ♪
Murder by ham!
- Chief of police here!
Oh.
You didn't tell me that Herlock Holmes was here.
- Chief of Police Bills.
- Mm. How'd she get in here?
- Through the front door?
- Not today, Gilbert.
No, not today, man.
You're about as sharp as a baked potato, man.
I know you got a theory. What happened here?
- Well, after solving 116 of your murders,
you'd think that I'd get a "Come on in."
- 116? Christ.
- It's our job as police officers,
Gilbert and I, to solve crimes.
It's your job as a writer to write your little stories
for lonely gals laying around eating chocolate.
The little round bonbons.
What are they called? The round bonbons.
You--and you got the little cherry inside.
- What, the maraschino cherry?
- Yeah, you bite it, and it's like the bonbon threw up in your mouth.
- Chief, my niece and I were here before the murder,
and we overheard some tidbits you may want to hear about.
- You are itching, about to burst, with the information.
Please. Huh?
I'd love to partake in that. How about you, Gilbert?
- Yeah. - Give it to us.
- It appears he was killed with ham--
- Ham! He was killed with ham.
- Approximately 15 minutes--
- 15 minutes ago! 15 minutes ago.
I was gonna say 15 minutes. You saw me, right?
But the spit got caught in my throat.
You didn't even pat my back to see if I was choking or not.
- There is definitely foul play-- - Foul play going on here!
There's so much foul play in this room, I can smell it.
Matter of fact, we gotta vent this room out
'cause some more foul play might happen.
- And if I was looking for a suspect,
I would check out the competing butcher.
He seems a little interested in what we're talking about.
- Hey, you're being pretty nosy right now for someone who's not guilty!
Puence, go get him! Get him!
Get him!
God damn it! Pull it, don't push it!
It's not a revolving door!
- Wow, Aunt Abigail, you're on a writing roll.
How's the novel coming along?
- Well, I haven't started it yet,
but I'm writing a diary entry about the nature of procrastination...
- Ha. - And very shortly,
I'm getting ready to almost start.
[keys clacking]
- I can't believe on my first day here, someone got murdered.
It's pretty cool.
- I mean, that's a normal afternoon in New Woodstream, dear.
[laughs]
But something isn't sitting quite right with me.
♪ ♪
[grunts]
Ah, there's where that went!
Well, now that I can think more clearly,
I don't think Andy Hapsburg is our murderer.
He wouldn't hurt a fly!
- Well, he's a butcher.
I've got an idea.
We should talk to the son.
Bet he knows all his dad's enemies.
- Now, Heidi, we must allow the police
to have enough time to do their jobs.
And that's enough time. Let's go.
- Yes.
- It was supposed to be our grand opening,
but it feels more like a bland opening.
I wanted to make him proud, and then he died.
- I'm so sorry. - Thanks.
I'm still gonna open today.
Dad would've wanted Canelli and Son to go on.
I owe him that.
The way he hated me was the way a father was supposed to hate his son.
- Ben Jr., I know this is a terrible time to ask, but--
- Who wanted to kill your dad?
- Easy, Heidi. [laughs]
His father just got murdered.
- Sorry. I had a generic Red Bull.
- That's all right. I'm riding on Adderall.
- What my niece meant to say was,
who do you think would want to murder your father?
- I have no idea who'd wanna ham my dad.
If I were you guys though, I'd talk to my mom.
She's-- - An asshole, we know.
- I was gonna say she's at home.
- My apologies. I misspoke.
- Well, thanks so much for the tip.
Um...
[solemn music]
Group shot.
♪ ♪
BILLS: Come on, Puence. Puence, come in.
- Puence here.
BILLS: I'm gonna come over there and sit next to you.
- Roger.
- [sighs]
What do we do here, Andy?
Oh, wow.
People saw you yelling at Canelli
before he was hammed.
- Billy, come on. You know I'm a yeller.
[yelling] It's how I deal with stress!
You know I would never hurt anyone.
[yelling] Except with my voice!
- You made me run today
in my standing slacks.
Oh, that makes me mad.
You know why?
'Cause my insurance does not cover chafing.
- I'm sorry.
I just got really nervous
when everyone turned around and looked at me
and Mrs. Mapleworth fingered me.
- The bottom line of this, Andy-- you're going to jail for murder.
[yelling] If you don't tell us
where the hell you were at 11:40!
- I got the perfect alibi.
[yelling] And the yelling thing is mine!
You came into my shop at 11:40.
- You know what? I was at your shop at 11:40.
- Yes.
- Yeah, I came in here...
I had a taste for bacon. I wanted some bacon.
- Right, remember?
You said you wanted to make some BLTs for lunch.
- Bacon, lettuce, and tomato. - BLT.
- I wanted to put it on wheat bread. - Mm-hmm.
- With a toothpick stuck in it like that.
- And then you got a phone call and you said, "Ope, I gotta go.
Someone's been murdered." - Yep, that's what happened.
- So am I free to go?
- Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, one more thing.
[dramatic music]
Now...
did I happen to leave that bacon on that counter?
That I purchased?
'Cause if I did, I wanna talk to you about getting a meat credit.
♪ ♪
- [whispering] I don't think so.
[sleuthing music]
- Must not be home.
[gunshot]
Was that a gunshot?
ABIGAIL: Something's amiss.
My Maple sense is tingling,
and not the sexy part.
Heidi, you wait here.
- No.
♪ ♪
- Now, when you're probing someone,
you have to go for the sweets before you get the deets.
[gun cocks] - Watch out, Aunt Abigail!
[dramatic musical flourish] [gunshot]