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- Good morning, New Woodstream.
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Let's have a day of it.
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[light music]
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♪ ♪
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Good morning, Peter.
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Saw your wife.
She told me everything.
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[cat meows]
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[gasps] Well, who are you, sir?
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I'm going to name you hungry for now.
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And you can call me sucker.
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Let's go. Come on in.
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You're gonna love it.
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Izzy, I have very exciting news.
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Today I am going to start
my first ever full-length novel.
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No more procrastination.
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Now you go lay down
in your orthopedic bed.
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Good darling.
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And begin.
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[phone rings]
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Abigail Mapleworth.
To whom am I speaking?
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- Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.
How's the novel coming?
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- Jerry, I've written
64 murder mystery novellas.
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I think I've got this.
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I once wrote a Yelp review
that was 20 pages long
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about a restaurant that used balsamic
that was not house-made, as claimed.
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- Okay, well,
I'll let you work your magic.
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- There's nothing magic
about murder, Jerry.
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And you should also wear pants
when you're in the office.
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- How did you...
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I hate when you do that.
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- All right. For real this time, Abigail.
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And begin.
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[doorbell dings]
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Oh, my goodness gracious.
[dogs barking]
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No bark! [barking stops]
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[gasps] Heidi?
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- Hi, Aunt Abigail.
- Ohh, come in here!
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Look at you!
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Oh, you've grown into
such a beautiful young gal.
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I thought you were going to be
a little mushroom like I am,
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but your legs got in the game
just in time.
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- Mom and Dad said thanks so much
for letting me stay here.
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- Of course.
- It was either this
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or go home to Australia,
you know, back in the marsupial pouch.
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- Oh. [laughs] [dogs barking]
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- Oh!
- Oh, here are all the babies
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from my marsupial pouch.
- Hi! Ohh.
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- Oh, and give her kisses.
Oh, kisses!
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So your parents tell me
that you're going to be finishing college
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at New Woodstream
instead of Princeton.
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- Uh, that reminds me.
I've gotta go online
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and register for classes. - Hm.
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- Um, what's your Wi-Fi?
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- It's Wireless Network.
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- You should change that.
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Uh, password? - Oh.
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WXRT443MQ123four...
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The four is spelled F-O-U-R...
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And then an entire line of asterisks
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that just look like
a little blanket of snow.
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- It's a strong password.
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- And if you need anything at all,
at any time, you just...
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[rings bell]
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Dingy-ding.
And I'll be right in that bed right there.
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- Wait, we're sleeping
right next to each other?
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- Mm.
- Don't you have, like,
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three other bedrooms? - I do.
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There's one for the dogs,
one for the cats,
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and then the third one
is where they all meet for parties.
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[light music]
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♪ ♪
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As you can see, Heidi,
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the town square
is quite the bevy of activity.
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This is my favorite shop
All windchimes all the time,
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and it's open till 11:00.
- [chuckles]
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I can't post any of these.
Is it possible to have negative bars?
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- Oh, there's a grand opening sign
up there.
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Something is exciting.
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Let's check it out.
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- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it says it's a hot spot. Let's go.
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- Well, I mean, it hasn't opened.
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That's pretty cocky
to call themselves a hot spot. [chuckles]
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- No, it's an Internet hot spot.
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- Congrats on your big opening, jackass.
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Maybe you can finally
pay me back the money
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you sucked from my savings,
you prick.
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I hope you die soon!
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And if you don't, let me know,
so I can kill you myself!
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[screams]
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- Sorry about that.
That's my ex-wife.
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She's an asshole.
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So what do you think
of the shop?
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- It's very nice.
I don't usually frequent meat markets.
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- Oh, God damn it, Ben Jr.!
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What are you doing now?
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- Oh, I wanted to display
my homemade dry rub.
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- [mocking] Dry rub.
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You know what I wanted?
A daughter.
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- You have Samantha.
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- Yeah, but she's a shithead.
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Now get that crap out of here!
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Be better!
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- Yes, sir.
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- Come on. Move it!
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God damn, that boy's got
about as much common sense
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as a bee in a camper toilet.
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Just like his mom,
the asshole from earlier. Hm.
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- Um, excuse me,
what's your Wi-Fi?
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- Wireless Network.
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Password is A1B2C3D4
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and then that little squiggle
that goes over Ns in Mexican words.
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ABIGAIL: Okay.
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- Canelli.
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Get out of here, Andy Hapsberg.
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- You get out of here,
and by out of here,
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I mean out of this town!
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I've been the New Woodstream butcher
since 1987.
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- Well, we're all tired
of your limp meats.
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- You're gonna be closed
and out of business in 30 days.
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- Over my dead body.
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- Well, I can arrange that!
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- I'd like to see you try to kill me!
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- Stop this nonsense.
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You two are grown men.
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I'm trying to show my young niece
around the beauty of New Woodstream,
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and you two are acting
like ridiculous pussies
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going at it hard in the alley.
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- Wow.
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- Now shake hands.
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That's it. I believe in no time
you two will be fast friends,
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sharing grinder stories
and comparing the size of your giblets
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over a cold beer.
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- That was surprisingly fun.
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- Wait till you meet
the women's crochet league.
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Now those are some skilled hookers.
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- That was for you, Heidi.
- [laughs]
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And finally, this is the western
New Woodstream cemetery.
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- Aunt Abigail, this is
the fourth cemetery you've shown me.
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- Well, the rest of them
are closed on Mondays.
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Now let's go have a luncheon.
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- Who says luncheon?
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- I just did.
Did you not hear me?
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And that's my favorite place
to get sanitary napkins.
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[police siren wailing]
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Oh, Heidi.
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I'm going to have to
take off my tour guide hat for a moment
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and exchange it for a mystery-solving tam.
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Let's get to snooping.
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- Okay, yeah.
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- Gilbert, has there been
a crime committed?
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- Ouch, ah, hey, Abigail.
[chuckles]
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Not sure. I was just about to
go check it out myself, but...
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[siren wails]
[laughs] Gol dang it.
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This thing's on the fritz again.
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[laughs] It's possessed.
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Ohh. Okay.
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[siren stops]
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Oh, wait, Abigail.
You know the drill.
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You gotta let me go in first.
Come on!
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- Heidi, turn away, dear.
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[dramatic music]
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There's been a murder.
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Subtitles Diego Moraes(oakislandtk)
www.opensubtitles.org