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Downloaded from
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["Pale Blue Eyes" plays]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪
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♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪
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♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪
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♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪
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♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪
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♪ Linger on ♪
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♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
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♪ Linger on ♪
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[crowd cheering]
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Aziz Ansari's Right Now!
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Aziz Ansari!
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[cheering and applause]
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♪ Thought of you as my mountaintop ♪
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♪ Thought of you as my peak ♪
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[cheering and applause continues]
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Thought of you as everything
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I've had but couldn't keep
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I've had but couldn't keep
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Thank you. Thank you very much!
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Thank you. Thanks.
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[cheering and applause]
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I appreciate that. Thank you so much.
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Take a seat. Take a seat.
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Thanks so much.
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Wow. What a nice welcome.
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-[cheering]
-Wow, wow, wow.
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Very excit--
By the way, this guy's with me.
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He's, uh... he's authorized.
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He's not, like,
a very audacious bootlegger
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who really doesn't give a fuck.
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[laughs]
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"You said no phones,
but what about full-on cameras?"
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[laughter]
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Uh...
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Yeah, we're filming these shows,
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so, you know, you might be in the show,
uh, when it's on,
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whatever I put it on.
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You'll be like, "Oh, shit. I was there!"
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[laughter]
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But we're filming a few shows,
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so if you're, like, the shitty crowd,
we won't use any of the footage.
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[laughter]
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Um...
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I'm psyched to be here.
I-I've been on the road for a while.
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Um, I just got back to New York,
uh, my home,
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uh, a few days ago,
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-and, uh, yeah.
-[cheering and applause]
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[clears throat]
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I, uh...
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I was walking around the other day,
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and this guy, uh,
came up to me on the street,
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and he was like, uh,
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"Hey, man. Love the Netflix show!"
And I was like, "Oh, thanks so much."
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He was like, "Yeah, yeah, I really liked
the episode you did on Supreme!"
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I was like, "What?
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[laughter]
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I didn't do no episode on Supreme."
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And then I quickly realized
he's talking about Hasan Minhaj.
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-[laughter]
-Patriot Act.
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Different show.
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Different guy.
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[laughter]
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And he felt horrible, right?
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He immediately realized his mistake,
and he was trying to buy it back.
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He was like, "Oh, no, no, Aziz, right?"
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I was like, "Yeah, yeah. That's me."
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"Master of None!"
"Yeah, yeah. That's me."
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"Parks and Rec."
"Yeah, yeah. That's me."
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"Treat yo' self."
"Yeah, yeah. That's me."
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"And, uh, you had that whole thing
last year, sexual misconduct?"
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"No, no, no, no, no!
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That was Hasan."
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[laughter]
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[applause]
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You know, I...
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I haven't said much
about that whole thing, um,
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but I've talked about it on this tour,
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'cause you're here,
and it means a lot to me.
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And I'm sure some of you are curious
how I feel about that whole situation.
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And, uh, it's a tricky thing
for me to answer,
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'cause I've felt so many things
in the last year, so...
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There's times I felt scared.
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There's times I felt humiliated.
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There's times I felt embarrassed.
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And ultimately,
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I just felt terrible
that this person felt this way.
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And after a year or so,
I just hope it was a step forward.
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It moved things forward for me
and made me think about a lot.
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I hope I've become a better person.
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And I always think about a conversation
I had with one of my friends
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where he was like, "You know what, man?
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That whole thing made me think
about every date I've ever been on."
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And I thought,
"Wow. Well, that's pretty incredible.
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It's made not just me,
but other people be more thoughtful,
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and that's a good thing."
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And that's how I feel about it.
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And I know...
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this isn't the most hilarious way
to begin a comedy show.
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[laughter]
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But it's important to me that you know
how I feel about that whole thing
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before we share this night together.
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[cheering and applause]
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Well, that was pretty intense.
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[laughter]
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What else shall we talk about?
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[laughter]
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America?
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Everyone's very worried right now.
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A lot of people are bummed.
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People are like, "Oh, my God.
Shit has hit the fan."
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I'm not worried, though.
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You know why? 'Cause...
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this is America, okay?
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Shit didn't hit the fan,
shit's always been on the fan, okay?
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There's never been a clean fan out there.
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There's always been shit up there.
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Every generation of Americans
has had their shit.
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And they've persevered,
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and we will as well, okay?
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And some of those generations have had
even crazier shit than we do, right?
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Things like the Depression,
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Vietnam, the draft...
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Could you imagine if we had a draft?
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[laughter]
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With today's people?
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[laughter]
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"Uh, I can't go to war.
I just started this company.
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We make eco-friendly shoes
out of cashews.
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They're called "Cashoes".
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[laughter]
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Just a few generations before,
they'd give that guy a rifle,
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they're like,
"Go shoot some Asian people!"
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Now he's at work like,
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"Uh, it's not pronounced 'pho', Valerie,
it's 'faa.'"
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[laughter]
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His grandfather...
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[screaming]
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[laughs]
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But I promise you,
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we're gonna be okay,
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'cause despite how it may seem,
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we still have a capacity for listening,
for understanding.
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I'll give you an example, okay?
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There was a story I read.
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This girl goes to her high school prom.
White girl. She wears an Asian garment.
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And there's an Asian kid at the school
and he's offended.
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He actually did something really cool.
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He actually went up to her
and they had a conversation.
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He explained his concerns
about cultural appropriation.
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She assured him she was coming
from a place of respect and admiration.
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And they both learned
about each other's perspectives.
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And it was a really--
Just kidding. None of that shit happened.
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Oh! Why would that happen?
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No, he just Tweeted out her pictures
and wrote,
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"My culture's not
your goddamn prom dress!"
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[laughter]
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And this became global news!
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And there was articles,
and comments, and tweets.
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And I read all of 'em.
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And my favorite thing is
you go on these threads,
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and you'd see people arguing,
trying to, like, out-woke each other.
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You know what I mean?
Like, one person'd be like,
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"Oh, I can't believe she'd just steal
from Chinese culture like that."
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Another guy'd be like, "Actually,
the Chinese stole that from Malaysia."
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And I was like, "Oh, shit!
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You just got out-woked!
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You thought your eyes were open.
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This other dude doesn't even
have a forehead.
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His eyeball just keeps going...
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just so he can see all the injustice."
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[laughter]
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Man, look, man. I saw the pictures.
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It didn't seem like this person's heart
was in the wrong place.
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It's not like she tweeted,
"Hey, everybody,
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check out my ching-chong,
bing-bong dress!"
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[laughter]
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Well, that would be bad.
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Do I not have all the facts?
Did she step out of the limo like...
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[sings Oriental riff]
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"Konichiwa, bitches!
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[mock Chinese accent] Where's the prom?"
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All right, that's problematic.
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[laughter]
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Nowadays, man,
sometimes even when the stuff is racist,
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I'm like, "Can we just talk
about something else?
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I don't think we're gonna fix it
at this brunch.
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I don't think this is the crew
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that's gonna crack the case."
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[laughter]
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Say what you will about racist people,
but they're usually very brief.
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Newly woke white people are exhausting!
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"Uh, what's the statistic?
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Where'd you read the article?"
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Chin, chin, chin, chin, cha.
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"Aziz, have you seen this episode
of The Simpsons?
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There's an Indian character
and dabu do dabee dabade dabado."
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♪ Think piece, stink piece
I just read a think piece ♪
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♪ Now I'm gonna say what I read to you ♪
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♪ Here are the bullet points
For this issue ♪
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♪ Badoo-badoo, badoo-badoo
badoo-badoo, ba-doo-doo ♪
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Oh, can you just call me Apu
and leave me alone?
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[laughter]
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[applause]
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Yeah!
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I'm aware.
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[applause]
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I'm aware, Candice. I saw it 30 years ago.
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It's a white guy doing an Indian voice.
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I appreciate the support,
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but things don't just become racist
when white people figure it out.
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[laughter]
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[cheering and applause]
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Don't get me wrong,
I don't like those Simpsons people either.
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They're running around, "Why did
no one say anything 30 years ago?
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We're winning awards and stuff,
no one said anything."
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'Cause Indian people could only
say something, like, four years ago, okay?
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We've had a slow rise in the culture.
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You know who the first Indian person
I saw on MTV was?
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00:10:08,005 --> 00:10:08,838
Me!
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00:10:08,921 --> 00:10:10,046
[laughter]
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00:10:10,796 --> 00:10:12,255
It's taken a minute.
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00:10:12,338 --> 00:10:13,338
[cheering]
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00:10:15,255 --> 00:10:17,630
All right, truth be told,
it was that bass player in No Doubt,
227
00:10:17,713 --> 00:10:18,546
but, you know...
228
00:10:18,630 --> 00:10:19,713
[laughter]
229
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He was in the background playing bass!
230
00:10:22,505 --> 00:10:25,005
He didn't have a platform
to speak on these things!
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[laughter]
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Plus, we all know the dynamic
in that band.
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00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,213
[laughter]
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"Uh, Gwen, there's a couple of issues
in the Indian-American community and--"
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♪ Don't speak! ♪
236
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"Okay, shit, I'm sorry."
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[laughter]
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Interesting times
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for, uh, white people.
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00:10:44,838 --> 00:10:46,588
Uh... I've been observing you.
241
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I see what's going on.
242
00:10:48,671 --> 00:10:51,505
You're trying really hard
to be nice to minorities...
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00:10:52,421 --> 00:10:53,880
in a way I've never seen before.
244
00:10:53,963 --> 00:10:56,171
Putting in the time,
putting in the effort.
245
00:10:56,255 --> 00:10:59,963
Getting out there.
Watching Crazy Rich Asians.
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00:11:00,046 --> 00:11:01,130
[laughter]
247
00:11:01,213 --> 00:11:03,546
White people went in droves. Very cool.
248
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:05,546
Any white people here
see Crazy Rich Asians?
249
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-Raise your hands, everybody. Yeah?
-[cheering]
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00:11:07,921 --> 00:11:08,796
Yeah.
251
00:11:09,046 --> 00:11:10,671
You, man, in the front. You saw it?
252
00:11:10,755 --> 00:11:13,713
Yeah? It had, like,
a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes.
253
00:11:13,796 --> 00:11:15,338
You think it was that good, 97%?
254
00:11:15,421 --> 00:11:16,505
[laughter]
255
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:19,671
Eh, maybe a little less?
What-- what number would you give it?
256
00:11:19,838 --> 00:11:21,005
Eighty-five.
257
00:11:21,088 --> 00:11:22,796
Eighty-five? Wow!
258
00:11:24,463 --> 00:11:26,421
Twelve percent less.
259
00:11:26,505 --> 00:11:27,630
[laughter]
260
00:11:27,713 --> 00:11:29,588
Anything in particular you didn't like
261
00:11:29,671 --> 00:11:32,338
that made you dock it 12 points, man?
262
00:11:32,421 --> 00:11:34,130
[laughter]
263
00:11:36,005 --> 00:11:38,713
Are you nervous right now? [laughs]
264
00:11:38,796 --> 00:11:39,630
[laughter]
265
00:11:39,713 --> 00:11:42,630
I'm just messing with you. It doesn't
matter what you think about the movie.
266
00:11:42,713 --> 00:11:44,838
It's just fun
to make white people feel bad.
267
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:45,755
And...
268
00:11:45,838 --> 00:11:46,880
[laughter]
269
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,213
This is so adorable.
Look how far we've come...
270
00:11:52,296 --> 00:11:53,213
[laughter]
271
00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:55,046
...in just two generations, right?
272
00:11:55,130 --> 00:11:57,713
Like, your grandma doesn't even
call that movie "Crazy Rich Asians."
273
00:11:57,796 --> 00:12:00,546
She calls it "that movie
that has too many Orientals."
274
00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:01,463
[laughter]
275
00:12:01,796 --> 00:12:05,255
And now you're sitting here like,
"Uh, 85? Shit. I take it back, 97.
276
00:12:05,338 --> 00:12:07,838
What do I need to say
to not get in trouble? Uh..."
277
00:12:07,921 --> 00:12:08,921
[laughter]
278
00:12:09,921 --> 00:12:13,338
It's coming from a good place,
but some people are acting weird, man.
279
00:12:14,171 --> 00:12:17,171
I asked this one lady, I was like,
"You see Crazy Rich Asians?"
280
00:12:17,255 --> 00:12:19,088
She was like, "Yeah!"
I was like, "You like it?"
281
00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:21,963
She was like, "Uh, I actually
didn't see it, I'm sorry!" I'm like...
282
00:12:22,046 --> 00:12:24,088
"What are you lying for?!
283
00:12:24,296 --> 00:12:26,713
What did you think,
I was gonna give you some cookies?"
284
00:12:26,796 --> 00:12:27,630
[laughter]
285
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:30,463
My favorite thing, though,
one time I asked someone, I was like, uh,
286
00:12:30,546 --> 00:12:31,671
"You like Crazy Rich Asians?"
287
00:12:31,755 --> 00:12:34,380
They're like, "You know what, Aziz?
I'm gonna be honest with you.
288
00:12:34,463 --> 00:12:36,921
The first time I saw it,
I didn't really enjoy it.
289
00:12:37,005 --> 00:12:40,088
But then I watched it again
with one of my Asian friends,
290
00:12:40,838 --> 00:12:42,588
and I saw how much it meant to her
291
00:12:42,671 --> 00:12:45,005
to see herself represented on the screen,
292
00:12:45,421 --> 00:12:47,380
and that made me really like the film."
293
00:12:47,963 --> 00:12:50,505
And I said, "Oh, um, that doesn't mean
you like the movie,
294
00:12:50,588 --> 00:12:53,630
that's just a weird, condescending,
shitty thing to say."
295
00:12:53,713 --> 00:12:55,046
[laughter]
296
00:12:55,130 --> 00:12:58,671
Could you imagine
if I watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop...
297
00:12:58,755 --> 00:12:59,921
[laughter]
298
00:13:01,088 --> 00:13:02,755
...and I was like,
"I didn't really like it,
299
00:13:02,838 --> 00:13:06,088
but then I watched it again
with one of my chubby white friends...
300
00:13:06,171 --> 00:13:07,088
[laughter]
301
00:13:07,630 --> 00:13:09,338
Really changed my perspective."
302
00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:10,588
[laughter]
303
00:13:12,213 --> 00:13:13,046
Oh.
304
00:13:13,838 --> 00:13:16,338
But, look,
I'll give credit where credit's due.
305
00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:17,588
I've been around 36 years.
306
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:20,796
I've never seen white people
trying this hard be nice to minorities.
307
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,171
I know there's some people
that are not trying at all,
308
00:13:23,255 --> 00:13:26,463
and some people going a bit aggressively
the other direction...
309
00:13:26,546 --> 00:13:27,380
[laughter]
310
00:13:27,463 --> 00:13:32,005
But overall, I'd say this edition
of white people is trying the hardest.
311
00:13:32,088 --> 00:13:35,380
And I think it's cool,
and I appreciate it.
312
00:13:35,463 --> 00:13:36,296
[laughter]
313
00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:38,046
[cheering and applause]
314
00:13:39,505 --> 00:13:42,255
But... sometimes I'm a little suspicious.
315
00:13:42,338 --> 00:13:44,296
Uh, minorities,
you know what I'm talking about?
316
00:13:44,588 --> 00:13:49,380
Doesn't it seem a little weird sometimes?
Doesn't it seem a little strange?
317
00:13:49,463 --> 00:13:51,505
Almost like some people are playing a game
318
00:13:51,588 --> 00:13:54,630
where they're, like, tallying up points
for doing nice stuff.
319
00:13:54,713 --> 00:13:57,546
Like, is there some sort
of secret, progressive Candy Crush
320
00:13:57,630 --> 00:13:58,630
we don't know about?
321
00:13:58,713 --> 00:13:59,546
[laughter]
322
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:02,588
Like, don't you imagine some white people
getting together in secret, like,
323
00:14:02,671 --> 00:14:05,963
"All right, let's tally up our scores.
What did everyone do for equality today?"
324
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:08,380
Let's hear it.
Brian, tell us about your day."
325
00:14:08,463 --> 00:14:11,380
"Well, I told
one of my African-American friends
326
00:14:11,463 --> 00:14:13,838
I thought Black Panther
should have won Best Picture.
327
00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:14,838
[imitates chime]
328
00:14:14,921 --> 00:14:15,963
[laughter]
329
00:14:18,005 --> 00:14:20,463
[sighs] Then I tweeted out some support
330
00:14:20,546 --> 00:14:23,338
for this new documentary
by a lesbian filmmaker.
331
00:14:23,421 --> 00:14:24,380
[imitates chime]
332
00:14:24,463 --> 00:14:25,380
[laughter]
333
00:14:25,463 --> 00:14:27,880
Then I Instagrammed a little love
for Colin Kaepernick.
334
00:14:27,963 --> 00:14:28,796
[imitates chime]
335
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:29,838
[laughter]
336
00:14:29,921 --> 00:14:32,463
Then I crossed the street
when I saw a black guy.
337
00:14:32,546 --> 00:14:33,380
[sinking sound]
338
00:14:33,463 --> 00:14:34,296
[laughter]
339
00:14:34,380 --> 00:14:36,630
Shit! I need more points.
I need more points.
340
00:14:36,713 --> 00:14:38,796
What can I do?
341
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:39,880
[gasps]
342
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:43,588
Wrote a lengthy Instagram post
calling myself out for white privilege
343
00:14:43,671 --> 00:14:45,421
based on something I did in 2015."
344
00:14:45,505 --> 00:14:48,380
[imitates chime]
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
345
00:14:48,588 --> 00:14:50,505
"Tell him what he's won, guys!"
346
00:14:50,588 --> 00:14:52,713
"Oh, Brian's won a bunch
of Instagram likes
347
00:14:52,796 --> 00:14:56,546
from other white people
playing the same game!"
348
00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:57,838
[applause]
349
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:04,671
And look, I know there's some people
sitting here like, "Come on, Aziz.
350
00:15:04,755 --> 00:15:05,671
What the hell?
351
00:15:05,755 --> 00:15:08,005
I'm white. I don't do this shit, okay?
352
00:15:08,088 --> 00:15:11,338
I'm here, watching you,
supporting minorities in the arts!"
353
00:15:11,463 --> 00:15:12,463
[laughter]
354
00:15:12,546 --> 00:15:13,421
[imitates chime]
355
00:15:13,505 --> 00:15:14,588
[laughter]
356
00:15:19,380 --> 00:15:21,463
It's a weird time to be working on jokes.
357
00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:24,588
Gotta be very careful
about what you say, right?
358
00:15:24,671 --> 00:15:27,463
I've seen people in regular jobs
getting in trouble these days, you know?
359
00:15:27,546 --> 00:15:32,046
I recently saw some people got in trouble
for, uh, saying the word "niggardly."
360
00:15:32,546 --> 00:15:34,630
Which, take it easy,
has nothing to do with race.
361
00:15:34,713 --> 00:15:36,171
It just means cheap or stingy.
362
00:15:36,255 --> 00:15:38,921
You can look up the etymology,
it's a completely innocent word.
363
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:40,671
And people are getting in trouble for it.
364
00:15:40,755 --> 00:15:41,921
Which is crazy.
365
00:15:43,338 --> 00:15:46,755
But... it seems like they could've
just said cheap or stingy, right?
366
00:15:46,838 --> 00:15:47,880
[laughter]
367
00:15:47,963 --> 00:15:50,130
I don't know why they had
to walk the plank on this one.
368
00:15:50,213 --> 00:15:52,088
"Mmm...
369
00:15:52,171 --> 00:15:54,505
I know what it sounds like.
370
00:15:55,380 --> 00:15:58,046
But I want to use my big word!
371
00:15:58,130 --> 00:16:00,005
What do you mean
you're getting a regular ticket?
372
00:16:00,088 --> 00:16:02,963
Let's get a Fast Pass.
Quit being so niggardly!"
373
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:04,005
[laughter]
374
00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:09,630
One of the guys that got in trouble,
he's a senator from Ohio, right?
375
00:16:09,713 --> 00:16:11,088
His name's Sherrod Brown.
376
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,296
They had a meeting
about military spending.
377
00:16:13,380 --> 00:16:14,671
And he goes to the legislators,
378
00:16:14,755 --> 00:16:17,213
"You all, when it comes to spending
on the weapons and the wars,
379
00:16:17,296 --> 00:16:18,880
you all want to spend very lavishly,
380
00:16:18,963 --> 00:16:22,213
but when the veterans come home,
you start acting very niggardly."
381
00:16:22,463 --> 00:16:24,713
-They're like, "Uh, what'd you say?"
-[laughter]
382
00:16:24,796 --> 00:16:27,088
"I said,
'You just start acting very niggardly.'"
383
00:16:27,171 --> 00:16:29,796
"Uh, just the last word again, Sherrod?"
"I said, 'Niggardly.'"
384
00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,546
"Get him out of here!"
385
00:16:31,963 --> 00:16:33,546
And he got in all this trouble.
386
00:16:33,630 --> 00:16:35,963
And then,
they looked it up in the dictionary,
387
00:16:36,046 --> 00:16:37,213
and he was fine.
388
00:16:37,296 --> 00:16:39,046
[laughter]
389
00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:42,088
But when I first read the article,
I was really confused,
390
00:16:42,171 --> 00:16:44,755
'cause I read his name as Sherrod Brown,
391
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:48,546
and I was like, "Uh, seems like
Sherrod Brown should be okay here, right?
392
00:16:48,630 --> 00:16:49,546
[laughter]
393
00:16:49,630 --> 00:16:52,005
Am I missing something here,
Sherrod Brown?
394
00:16:52,088 --> 00:16:54,463
Do I not have all the facts? Uh...
395
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:56,880
Oh, he's a white guy?
Get him out of here!" No.
396
00:16:56,963 --> 00:16:57,796
[laughter]
397
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,505
It's a completely innocent word.
398
00:17:00,046 --> 00:17:00,921
Nothing wrong with it.
399
00:17:01,005 --> 00:17:02,588
So, you know, white dude in the front,
400
00:17:02,671 --> 00:17:05,796
if you want to put it in rotation
every now and then, go for it.
401
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:06,755
Nothing wrong with it.
402
00:17:06,838 --> 00:17:09,421
I just explained to you, there's nothing
wrong with the word, right?
403
00:17:09,755 --> 00:17:10,880
Right? You got it.
404
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:13,296
So, why don't you just yell it
into the microphone right now?
405
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:17,255
Okay, here we go, let's do it. Here we go.
Let's go. Here we go. Let's go, let's go.
406
00:17:17,338 --> 00:17:18,171
Here we go.
407
00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:21,380
He was about to do it!
Can you believe it, guys? Come on, sir!
408
00:17:21,463 --> 00:17:22,546
That's not cool.
409
00:17:23,296 --> 00:17:24,880
That was a test and you failed!
410
00:17:25,546 --> 00:17:27,671
You can't just throw it around
willy-nilly.
411
00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:30,213
Maybe if it comes up
in your life organically,
412
00:17:30,296 --> 00:17:31,755
then you can consider throwing it in.
413
00:17:31,838 --> 00:17:34,505
I don't know what the scenario is,
maybe, uh...
414
00:17:35,005 --> 00:17:38,171
Maybe go out to dinner
with your African-American boss, right?
415
00:17:38,505 --> 00:17:41,213
And... he grabs the bill,
and then you look at the tip.
416
00:17:41,296 --> 00:17:44,380
You're like, "Mm, I don't know, sir,
seems a bit niggardly." Like, that...
417
00:17:44,463 --> 00:17:46,213
seems okay. [laughs]
418
00:17:48,546 --> 00:17:52,088
Gotta be careful about what you say.
419
00:17:52,588 --> 00:17:54,463
And about what you said, right?
420
00:17:55,755 --> 00:17:58,171
'Cause they'll dig up the old tweets.
421
00:17:58,255 --> 00:18:00,296
They'll find the old clips.
422
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,463
You know what's strange
about that whole thing, though?
423
00:18:02,546 --> 00:18:06,463
Is like... you ever just watch
very popular mainstream stuff
424
00:18:06,546 --> 00:18:08,005
from not that long ago?
425
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:10,963
Uh, there's stuff in there, guys! [laughs]
426
00:18:11,046 --> 00:18:12,671
I was watching The Hangover the other day.
427
00:18:12,755 --> 00:18:15,463
This is one of the biggest movies ever,
right? It's not that old.
428
00:18:15,546 --> 00:18:17,671
There's a scene in that movie
where Bradley Cooper goes,
429
00:18:17,755 --> 00:18:19,380
"Paging Dr. Faggot!"
430
00:18:20,130 --> 00:18:21,421
That's in the movie!
431
00:18:21,505 --> 00:18:22,338
[laughter]
432
00:18:22,421 --> 00:18:25,463
Did you guys write a letter?
I didn't write a letter.
433
00:18:25,546 --> 00:18:26,588
[laughter]
434
00:18:26,921 --> 00:18:30,255
Not only is it in the movie,
it's in the trailer for the movie!
435
00:18:30,338 --> 00:18:32,463
-[laughter]
-You know why it was in the trailer?
436
00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:33,921
'Cause they did test readings,
437
00:18:34,005 --> 00:18:36,963
and whenever Bradley Cooper went,
"Paging Dr. Faggot,"
438
00:18:37,046 --> 00:18:39,921
everyone went, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
This movie rules!
439
00:18:40,005 --> 00:18:41,838
I love that word!"
440
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,005
[laughter]
441
00:18:44,505 --> 00:18:47,130
You can watch stuff that's not that old
442
00:18:47,338 --> 00:18:49,880
with 2019 eyes
and things can seem weird now.
443
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,546
Like... like, I was watching a...
a rerun of The Office.
444
00:18:52,630 --> 00:18:53,671
What's the biggest story?
445
00:18:53,755 --> 00:18:56,130
"Jim and Pam.
Oh, I hope they get together!"
446
00:18:56,213 --> 00:18:58,588
You watch it now, though,
it's like, "Mmh, I don't know.
447
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,338
This lady's engaged. He's been
hitting on her for, like, four seasons.
448
00:19:01,421 --> 00:19:03,630
I don't know if this is cool
in the workplace.
449
00:19:03,713 --> 00:19:04,546
[laughter]
450
00:19:04,630 --> 00:19:06,421
If they rebooted The Office now,
451
00:19:06,505 --> 00:19:09,921
it'd end with Pam winning
a landmark sexual harassment case.
452
00:19:10,005 --> 00:19:11,005
[laughter]
453
00:19:11,463 --> 00:19:12,713
And then, in the series finale,
454
00:19:12,796 --> 00:19:14,880
you'd find out
that's what the documentary was,
455
00:19:14,963 --> 00:19:17,421
they were just gathering evidence
against Jim!
456
00:19:17,505 --> 00:19:18,713
[laughter]
457
00:19:23,088 --> 00:19:26,213
I was even watching my own show.
I was watching a Parks and Rec rerun.
458
00:19:26,296 --> 00:19:29,005
I love Parks, love my Parks family.
459
00:19:29,088 --> 00:19:32,380
But I was watching some season's rerun,
and I was like, "Eee, I don't know.
460
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,755
Like, we had a whole scene in the show
461
00:19:34,838 --> 00:19:38,380
where my character Tom gets a gift
for Rashida Jones's character.
462
00:19:38,463 --> 00:19:40,713
Right? I get her a teddy bear.
463
00:19:40,796 --> 00:19:44,046
But the teddy bear has a nanny cam in it.
464
00:19:44,296 --> 00:19:46,130
Nuh...
465
00:19:46,213 --> 00:19:48,005
I feel like if I got script today,
I'd be like,
466
00:19:48,088 --> 00:19:50,880
-"Mmh, yeah, I'm not doing this one, guys.
-[laughter]
467
00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:53,338
Pretty sure
Tom would go to jail for that."
468
00:19:53,421 --> 00:19:55,088
-[laughter]
-But back then, I was like,
469
00:19:55,171 --> 00:19:58,088
"Oh, I get it. Now I can see
inside her house. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."
470
00:19:58,171 --> 00:19:59,255
[laughter]
471
00:20:02,421 --> 00:20:04,505
But that's very interesting.
What does that mean?
472
00:20:04,588 --> 00:20:07,463
Does that mean me and the people
that made Parks are bad people?
473
00:20:07,546 --> 00:20:09,630
No. It was a different cultural context.
474
00:20:09,713 --> 00:20:12,463
You can't judge everything
by 2019 standards.
475
00:20:12,546 --> 00:20:15,338
Sure, some things, of course,
but not everything.
476
00:20:15,713 --> 00:20:19,546
Yeah? I guess what I'm saying is,
"Look, we're all shitty people, okay?
477
00:20:19,630 --> 00:20:21,796
-[laughter]
-And we have our blind spots.
478
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,963
And we become aware,
and we slowly get better.
479
00:20:24,046 --> 00:20:26,255
We're all on a journey.
And if you're sitting there, like,
480
00:20:26,338 --> 00:20:28,588
"I'm not shitty. I'm aware
of all the marginalized groups."
481
00:20:28,671 --> 00:20:31,171
-You're extra shitty, okay?
-[laughter]
482
00:20:31,255 --> 00:20:32,671
'Cause you're arrogant.
483
00:20:33,463 --> 00:20:34,963
Have some humility.
484
00:20:35,421 --> 00:20:36,838
[cheering and applause]
485
00:20:38,921 --> 00:20:41,046
Don't you realize in 50 years
486
00:20:41,130 --> 00:20:44,130
we're all gonna look back
and feel like complete assholes?
487
00:20:44,213 --> 00:20:46,088
-[laughter]
-Like, isn't that the dream,
488
00:20:46,171 --> 00:20:47,130
in a way?
489
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:48,671
That 50 years from now, we look back,
490
00:20:48,755 --> 00:20:50,796
we can't even justify ourselves
to our grandkids.
491
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,505
We're just sitting there like, "Uh, yeah.
492
00:20:52,588 --> 00:20:54,588
I don't know what the fuck
was going on. Um...
493
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:55,505
[laughter]
494
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:59,755
There was just homeless people everywhere
and no-one gave a shit. Uh...
495
00:20:59,838 --> 00:21:02,046
You'd just kind of avoid eye contact,
walk around 'em,
496
00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:04,630
hope it wasn't one of the ones
that'd chase you down.
497
00:21:04,713 --> 00:21:07,380
Every now and then they'd have cups out
and you'd open up your wallet
498
00:21:07,463 --> 00:21:09,255
and be like,
"Uh, sorry, all I got's twenties."
499
00:21:09,338 --> 00:21:12,796
And then you'd hop on one of those weird
scooters and get the fuck out of there!
500
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,380
[laughter]
501
00:21:14,463 --> 00:21:16,130
It was a weird time, 2019.
502
00:21:16,755 --> 00:21:18,671
We put every single black guy in jail.
503
00:21:18,755 --> 00:21:20,630
Every single black guy was in jail,
504
00:21:20,713 --> 00:21:24,671
except for, like, Drake, LeVar Burton,
and that little kid from Stranger Things.
505
00:21:24,755 --> 00:21:25,630
[laughter]
506
00:21:25,713 --> 00:21:28,130
Besides them,
we put every single black guy in jail
507
00:21:28,213 --> 00:21:29,755
for, like, a little bit of weed.
508
00:21:29,838 --> 00:21:32,921
And then we made weed legal
and we just left 'em in there.
509
00:21:33,005 --> 00:21:36,213
I don't know, it seems like
we could have made a couple of calls.
510
00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,546
[applause]
511
00:21:37,630 --> 00:21:38,963
[cheering and applause]
512
00:21:42,921 --> 00:21:46,046
Cultural context, right,
could change everything.
513
00:21:46,546 --> 00:21:48,171
Look at all this R. Kelly stuff.
514
00:21:48,505 --> 00:21:50,671
All this information was out there
in the past, right?
515
00:21:50,755 --> 00:21:52,963
There was the Aaliyah thing,
there were the tapes,
516
00:21:53,046 --> 00:21:55,713
and everyone just kind of
looked the other way, right?
517
00:21:55,963 --> 00:21:58,796
But now, the culture
has reached a breaking point.
518
00:21:59,046 --> 00:22:03,005
Now that there's a bingeable
six hour documentary, the culture's like,
519
00:22:03,088 --> 00:22:05,421
"Hey, it's one thing
for all this information to be out there
520
00:22:05,505 --> 00:22:06,671
in a 20-page long read,
521
00:22:06,755 --> 00:22:10,588
but now that it's been packaged
in an entertaining fashion, no more!"
522
00:22:10,671 --> 00:22:11,671
[laughter]
523
00:22:12,796 --> 00:22:13,713
I watched it.
524
00:22:14,921 --> 00:22:15,796
Intense.
525
00:22:16,755 --> 00:22:20,213
Just out of curiosity, you guys,
clap if you're done with R. Kelly.
526
00:22:20,296 --> 00:22:21,630
Clap if you're done with R. Kelly.
527
00:22:21,713 --> 00:22:23,505
-[cheering and applause]
-Yeah.
528
00:22:23,796 --> 00:22:24,630
Wow.
529
00:22:25,088 --> 00:22:26,796
A lot of people.
530
00:22:28,380 --> 00:22:30,380
Yeah. I mean,
it was a very compelling piece.
531
00:22:30,463 --> 00:22:32,463
A lot of people putting out statements
and stuff now.
532
00:22:32,546 --> 00:22:33,963
People that used to work with him.
533
00:22:34,046 --> 00:22:37,213
People like Lady Gaga, Chance the Rapper.
534
00:22:38,130 --> 00:22:40,338
You know who I haven't seen
a statement from?
535
00:22:40,630 --> 00:22:43,130
This guy right here.
Nothing from you, sir!
536
00:22:43,921 --> 00:22:45,713
-Sir, what's your name up here?
-Dan.
537
00:22:45,796 --> 00:22:47,755
-Dan, what's your last name?
-Greenblatt.
538
00:22:47,838 --> 00:22:49,046
Dan Greenblatt.
539
00:22:49,130 --> 00:22:51,671
I've seen nothing from Dan Greenblatt.
540
00:22:51,755 --> 00:22:52,838
But why would I, Dan?
541
00:22:52,921 --> 00:22:56,005
There's no documentation
of your R. Kelly patronage, right?
542
00:22:56,588 --> 00:22:58,255
You're very lucky in that regard.
543
00:22:59,296 --> 00:23:00,630
Wouldn't that be embarrassing?
544
00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:02,630
What if you were watching
that documentary, right,
545
00:23:02,713 --> 00:23:04,671
and they're like,
"Oh, and then the tape comes out"
546
00:23:04,755 --> 00:23:07,505
At this point, you've got to know
something's not right.
547
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:09,046
But people didn't care.
548
00:23:09,588 --> 00:23:12,921
Here's footage of Dan Greenblatt
just one week after the tape was released.
549
00:23:13,005 --> 00:23:16,255
♪ It's a remix to ignition
I got them fresh out of the kitchen ♪
550
00:23:16,338 --> 00:23:17,546
♪ I got the rollin'-- ♪
551
00:23:17,630 --> 00:23:20,088
Here's footage of Dan
just two weeks later,
552
00:23:20,171 --> 00:23:21,130
driving to work.
553
00:23:21,213 --> 00:23:23,005
♪ I'm sippin' on Coke and rum ♪
554
00:23:23,088 --> 00:23:26,338
♪ I'm like, "So, what? I'm drunk"
It's the rar, rar, rar, rar" ♪
555
00:23:26,838 --> 00:23:28,921
You're lucky
they don't have that footage, Dan.
556
00:23:29,005 --> 00:23:31,088
You know you got down to those tunes.
557
00:23:32,463 --> 00:23:34,213
Wouldn't that be so awful?
558
00:23:34,296 --> 00:23:36,588
What if they had footage of you
from, like, 18 years ago?
559
00:23:36,671 --> 00:23:40,755
Maybe, uh, you know, talking about going
to an R. Kelly concert.
560
00:23:41,046 --> 00:23:43,838
Talking about how you had a great time
and how it was so silly.
561
00:23:43,921 --> 00:23:46,630
Wouldn't that be awful? You know
who they do have footage of like that?
562
00:23:46,713 --> 00:23:48,921
-Me!
-[laughter]
563
00:23:49,296 --> 00:23:53,005
Yeah, it's the end of my first
stand-up special. I put it out myself.
564
00:23:53,088 --> 00:23:54,046
[laughter]
565
00:23:54,130 --> 00:23:56,505
I had this whole bit
at the end of my first stand-up special.
566
00:23:56,588 --> 00:23:59,796
I'm like, "I went to an R. Kelly concert.
It was crazy!"
567
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:00,713
[laughter]
568
00:24:00,796 --> 00:24:03,421
I don't do that shit now,
but it's still out there.
569
00:24:03,505 --> 00:24:06,255
And I'm watching this documentary,
I'm terrified!
570
00:24:06,755 --> 00:24:09,588
I'm like, "Man,
they'd better not pull up them clips!
571
00:24:10,088 --> 00:24:12,296
I've had a tricky year as it is."
572
00:24:12,380 --> 00:24:13,380
[laughter]
573
00:24:16,005 --> 00:24:17,713
[cheering and applause]
574
00:24:21,588 --> 00:24:24,505
'Cause... I listened to it
the other day, guys,
575
00:24:24,588 --> 00:24:27,171
and the bit has not aged well.
576
00:24:27,255 --> 00:24:28,296
[laughter]
577
00:24:29,130 --> 00:24:33,880
Like, all the wording I used
is the worst possible wording.
578
00:24:33,963 --> 00:24:36,463
And I'm imagining Wendy Williams
or whoever
579
00:24:36,546 --> 00:24:38,546
going to one of these clubs
where I'm on stage like,
580
00:24:38,630 --> 00:24:42,338
"You know, guys, my favorite musician
I've ever met is R. Kelly!"
581
00:24:42,713 --> 00:24:45,588
[dramatic voice] "His favorite musician
he's ever met...
582
00:24:46,088 --> 00:24:47,130
is R. Kelly.
583
00:24:47,713 --> 00:24:48,713
And it doesn't end there.
584
00:24:48,796 --> 00:24:51,296
Let's look at a clip
from Aziz's second stand-up special,
585
00:24:51,380 --> 00:24:53,546
which came out just two years later."
586
00:24:53,630 --> 00:24:56,130
"You know, guys, in my last special,
I talked about R. Kelly.
587
00:24:56,213 --> 00:24:58,088
And I figured I don't need
to do that this time,
588
00:24:58,171 --> 00:25:02,046
but here's the problem,
R. Kelly keeps doing amazing things!
589
00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:04,005
Amazing things!
590
00:25:04,088 --> 00:25:05,838
Amazing things!
591
00:25:05,921 --> 00:25:07,755
Amazing things!
592
00:25:07,838 --> 00:25:10,963
[deep voice] Amazing things!"
593
00:25:11,046 --> 00:25:11,880
[laughter]
594
00:25:11,963 --> 00:25:12,880
[whistling]
595
00:25:13,463 --> 00:25:14,796
[cheering and applause]
596
00:25:17,713 --> 00:25:19,838
You know what's weird
is I was watching that special,
597
00:25:19,921 --> 00:25:22,671
and there was a lot of jokes on there
I'd forgotten.
598
00:25:22,755 --> 00:25:24,255
It was, like, ten years old, you know?
599
00:25:24,338 --> 00:25:27,005
There was bits, I was like,
"Ooh, I don't know if I'd say that today."
600
00:25:27,088 --> 00:25:29,296
I felt bad.
Then I was like, "Eh, that's fine."
601
00:25:29,380 --> 00:25:31,005
That's the way it's supposed to be, right?
602
00:25:31,088 --> 00:25:33,671
If you're the same person
you were ten years ago, you're shitty!
603
00:25:33,755 --> 00:25:35,380
Like, you're supposed to change.
604
00:25:36,213 --> 00:25:38,838
But there was jokes on there,
like, I wouldn't do that now, you know?
605
00:25:38,921 --> 00:25:42,130
Like, I had this old bit where I used
to talk about my little cousin Harris,
606
00:25:42,213 --> 00:25:43,088
-and, uh...
-[applause]
607
00:25:43,213 --> 00:25:45,213
Yeah, yeah, thank you, whatever.
And, uh...
608
00:25:45,296 --> 00:25:46,296
[laughter]
609
00:25:46,380 --> 00:25:50,296
I-I had this joke in there where I would
talk about how he watched weird TV shows
610
00:25:50,380 --> 00:25:51,630
and how he's a little chubby.
611
00:25:51,713 --> 00:25:53,338
I had one bit where I was like,
"Know what?
612
00:25:53,421 --> 00:25:55,838
There's not a lot of chubby Indian kids!
It's kind of a rarity.
613
00:25:55,921 --> 00:25:59,796
It's kind of like seeing a shooting star,
only it's fat, brown, and on the ground."
614
00:26:00,255 --> 00:26:01,255
It's fine, whatever,
615
00:26:01,338 --> 00:26:03,921
but I feel like if I had thought
of that joke today, I'd be like,
616
00:26:04,005 --> 00:26:08,255
"Uh, probably no reason to fat shame
my little cousin on a global scale.
617
00:26:08,338 --> 00:26:09,255
[laughter]
618
00:26:09,338 --> 00:26:11,296
Maybe I'll tuck that one aside."
619
00:26:11,380 --> 00:26:12,296
[laughter]
620
00:26:12,380 --> 00:26:13,796
But back then, I was 25.
621
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:16,463
I was like, "I've got to fill this hour,
I don't give a shit!"
622
00:26:16,546 --> 00:26:19,505
-[laughter]
-I just threw little Harris under the bus.
623
00:26:19,588 --> 00:26:20,796
[laughter]
624
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,005
Well, he is a little chubby,
so, technically, I squeezed him in, right?
625
00:26:24,088 --> 00:26:25,171
[laughter]
626
00:26:25,921 --> 00:26:26,963
[laughs]
627
00:26:27,421 --> 00:26:28,546
He's fine.
628
00:26:29,380 --> 00:26:31,755
He got internships and stuff
'cause of that bit.
629
00:26:31,838 --> 00:26:32,713
[laughter]
630
00:26:32,796 --> 00:26:35,380
Yeah! People were like,
"What? You're that Harris?"
631
00:26:35,463 --> 00:26:36,380
[laughter]
632
00:26:37,630 --> 00:26:38,755
And he's not chubby no more.
633
00:26:38,838 --> 00:26:41,296
He's like super buff.
He goes to gym all the time.
634
00:26:42,046 --> 00:26:44,421
-Probably 'cause he was scarred for life.
-[laughter]
635
00:26:44,505 --> 00:26:47,671
"I'm not a shooting star!
I'm not a shooting star!"
636
00:26:47,755 --> 00:26:48,713
[laughter]
637
00:26:52,255 --> 00:26:53,421
I watched that, uh...
638
00:26:53,630 --> 00:26:55,755
I watched
that Michael Jackson documentary.
639
00:26:56,088 --> 00:26:58,130
Ooh, I don't know if you had a chance
to see this one,
640
00:26:58,213 --> 00:27:00,630
but let's just say hypothetically you did
641
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,338
and you're equally as convinced
as you are about R. Kelly.
642
00:27:03,421 --> 00:27:05,796
Clap if you're done with Michael Jackson.
Clap if you're done.
643
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:07,171
[moderate applause]
644
00:27:10,046 --> 00:27:13,380
What happened to all them R. Kelly claps?
645
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,171
That was way less people.
646
00:27:16,463 --> 00:27:17,838
You guys are all collectively like,
647
00:27:17,921 --> 00:27:21,005
"Uh, I don't know what to tell you, Aziz.
The music's way better. Sorry, I...
648
00:27:21,088 --> 00:27:21,963
[laughter]
649
00:27:22,046 --> 00:27:25,963
I'll take the hit on Kells, but Michael
is a bridge I'm not willing to cross.
650
00:27:26,255 --> 00:27:28,505
I got a wedding next month,
let's be serious!"
651
00:27:28,588 --> 00:27:29,713
[laughter]
652
00:27:30,296 --> 00:27:31,921
Dan, nothing from you?
653
00:27:32,005 --> 00:27:32,921
[laughter]
654
00:27:33,380 --> 00:27:36,505
Dan's like, "I heard it's, like, two kids.
I don't give a shit.
655
00:27:36,796 --> 00:27:39,588
Sorry, Aziz, I'm going home,
I'm listening to "Thriller,"
656
00:27:39,671 --> 00:27:42,421
I'm watching The Cosby Show
and going to bed. Deal with it!"
657
00:27:42,505 --> 00:27:43,588
[laughter]
658
00:27:45,921 --> 00:27:47,213
All right. But, Dan. Okay.
659
00:27:47,296 --> 00:27:50,213
Let's say... let's say another doc
comes out. Now it's worse.
660
00:27:50,296 --> 00:27:51,630
Now they're saying it's, like,
661
00:27:52,046 --> 00:27:54,546
a thousand kids.
Now are you done with Michael Jackson?
662
00:27:55,671 --> 00:27:57,338
Yeah. See?
663
00:27:57,671 --> 00:28:00,338
Dan is a man of principle, okay?
664
00:28:00,421 --> 00:28:01,380
[laughter]
665
00:28:01,463 --> 00:28:04,338
He was like, "Two kids are one thing,
but I got to draw the line somewhere,
666
00:28:04,421 --> 00:28:07,213
and Dan's gonna draw the line
at a thousand kids!"
667
00:28:07,296 --> 00:28:08,255
[laughter]
668
00:28:11,505 --> 00:28:14,588
Isn't it weird we're just watching
this stuff as entertainment?
669
00:28:14,671 --> 00:28:16,005
Right? Isn't that kind of strange?
670
00:28:16,088 --> 00:28:19,213
Your friends were like,
"Oh, man. Have you seen that show
671
00:28:19,296 --> 00:28:23,755
where those two guys graphically describe
being molested for four hours?"
672
00:28:24,630 --> 00:28:25,546
"No."
673
00:28:25,630 --> 00:28:26,630
[laughter]
674
00:28:26,713 --> 00:28:28,671
"You gotta watch it!"
675
00:28:28,755 --> 00:28:30,213
[laughter]
676
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:34,505
I don't know what went down,
677
00:28:34,588 --> 00:28:39,005
but I will say that it did seem
like something weird was happening
678
00:28:39,088 --> 00:28:40,713
and that Michael was kind
of a sick guy.
679
00:28:40,796 --> 00:28:44,255
And I wish the people around him
had done more to get him help.
680
00:28:44,838 --> 00:28:45,671
You know?
681
00:28:46,046 --> 00:28:48,921
Like... like, he would bring these kids
on tour and stuff.
682
00:28:49,213 --> 00:28:52,963
I've been on tour. I know what it's like.
There are plenty of other people around.
683
00:28:53,046 --> 00:28:55,255
I got a tour manager,
I got opening comedians,
684
00:28:55,338 --> 00:28:56,630
I got the venue staff.
685
00:28:56,713 --> 00:28:59,963
I feel like if I showed up on a Friday
and I was like,
686
00:29:00,046 --> 00:29:02,546
"Hey, guys. This is Justin.
He's gonna be with me all week."
687
00:29:02,630 --> 00:29:03,880
[laughter]
688
00:29:10,005 --> 00:29:16,963
"Um...
689
00:29:17,046 --> 00:29:19,755
-Aziz, Justin's six."
-[laughter]
690
00:29:20,255 --> 00:29:21,463
"But he's my friend."
691
00:29:22,880 --> 00:29:25,421
-"Um...
-[laughter]
692
00:29:25,963 --> 00:29:28,255
Maybe you need some friends
your own age."
693
00:29:28,588 --> 00:29:31,296
"Uh, but I didn't have a childhood.
I'm Peter Pan."
694
00:29:31,380 --> 00:29:32,505
[laughter]
695
00:29:33,005 --> 00:29:35,755
"No, you might be a pedophile.
Come on Justin.
696
00:29:35,838 --> 00:29:37,338
Let's get you to your parents.
697
00:29:37,546 --> 00:29:40,088
Have a talk with your mom
about her priorities."
698
00:29:40,171 --> 00:29:41,505
[laughter]
699
00:29:44,088 --> 00:29:45,046
[laughs]
700
00:29:45,755 --> 00:29:46,921
[laughter]
701
00:29:47,671 --> 00:29:48,796
Stand up for a second.
702
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:49,963
[laughter]
703
00:29:50,796 --> 00:29:52,130
I don't know this kid.
704
00:29:52,213 --> 00:29:53,255
[laughter]
705
00:29:54,546 --> 00:29:55,963
[cheering and applause]
706
00:29:56,046 --> 00:29:56,921
[laughs]
707
00:29:57,338 --> 00:29:58,963
You could have played Justin.
708
00:29:59,046 --> 00:30:00,005
[laughter]
709
00:30:00,796 --> 00:30:03,880
This is my friend Justin.
He's gonna be with me all week. [laughs]
710
00:30:03,963 --> 00:30:05,838
[laughter and applause]
711
00:30:05,921 --> 00:30:07,130
[cheering]
712
00:30:11,130 --> 00:30:14,046
Why the fuck are you sitting
in the front row of this show?
713
00:30:14,130 --> 00:30:15,380
[laughter]
714
00:30:17,755 --> 00:30:18,963
[cheering]
715
00:30:24,421 --> 00:30:26,421
What was that, dad and two sons?
716
00:30:26,505 --> 00:30:28,921
Well, uh... you know...
717
00:30:29,255 --> 00:30:30,588
[laughter]
718
00:30:31,255 --> 00:30:34,421
If that ends up in a special,
mom is not gonna be pleased.
719
00:30:34,505 --> 00:30:35,338
[laughter]
720
00:30:35,421 --> 00:30:37,213
[angrily] "Way to go, Dad!"
721
00:30:37,296 --> 00:30:38,463
[laughter]
722
00:30:43,213 --> 00:30:44,255
What is your name?
723
00:30:44,338 --> 00:30:45,171
I'm Tyler.
724
00:30:45,255 --> 00:30:47,630
-[Aziz] Tyler. And the other kid's name?
-I'm Dylan.
725
00:30:47,713 --> 00:30:50,921
Dylan. Tyler and Dylan. Okay.
How old are you, Tyler?
726
00:30:51,255 --> 00:30:52,130
-Ten.
-[Aziz] Ten?
727
00:30:52,213 --> 00:30:53,255
Oh, shit!
728
00:30:53,338 --> 00:30:54,630
[laughter]
729
00:30:54,713 --> 00:30:56,463
Perfectly cast!
730
00:30:56,546 --> 00:30:57,963
[laughter]
731
00:31:00,963 --> 00:31:02,046
Jesus.
732
00:31:02,130 --> 00:31:03,213
[laughter]
733
00:31:03,796 --> 00:31:04,838
What's your name, Dad?
734
00:31:05,296 --> 00:31:07,130
-Uh, Ben.
-[Aziz] Ben, okay.
735
00:31:08,588 --> 00:31:11,255
[sighs] You made an awkward decision
bringing these kids.
736
00:31:11,338 --> 00:31:12,505
[laughter]
737
00:31:17,713 --> 00:31:20,213
You know, the other thing that's tricky
about the Michael thing is
738
00:31:20,296 --> 00:31:22,296
[stammers] I don't know what to think
739
00:31:22,380 --> 00:31:24,255
'cause I have the internet,
740
00:31:24,546 --> 00:31:28,380
and the internet can confirm
anything you want to believe, right?
741
00:31:28,921 --> 00:31:33,171
You know, I can go on there,
I can type "Michael Jackson guilty."
742
00:31:33,421 --> 00:31:34,671
And I'll be like, "What?
743
00:31:34,755 --> 00:31:35,755
[laughter]
744
00:31:35,838 --> 00:31:39,046
Michael is a monster.
I can't believe he'd do that."
745
00:31:39,546 --> 00:31:40,755
But then, I can go on there,
746
00:31:40,838 --> 00:31:43,296
I can go on YouTube
and type "Michael Jackson innocent,"
747
00:31:43,380 --> 00:31:44,671
and be like, "What?
748
00:31:45,421 --> 00:31:47,088
Those kids set him up!"
749
00:31:47,171 --> 00:31:48,296
[laughter]
750
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:50,171
I don't know what to believe,
751
00:31:50,255 --> 00:31:53,505
'cause a YouTube video
can convince you of anything!
752
00:31:54,130 --> 00:31:56,505
I watched a YouTube video once,
I was like, "Whoa,
753
00:31:56,588 --> 00:31:58,380
am I in the Illuminati?
754
00:31:58,463 --> 00:32:00,296
-Like...
-[laughter]
755
00:32:00,380 --> 00:32:03,255
This is some compelling evidence
they've put together."
756
00:32:03,588 --> 00:32:07,380
I watched this video, it's like,
"Aziz Ansari: illuminati.
757
00:32:07,463 --> 00:32:09,463
Look at his name. How does he spell it?
758
00:32:09,546 --> 00:32:12,213
Two As. What do As have on the top
of them? Triangles.
759
00:32:12,296 --> 00:32:13,421
Two triangles.
760
00:32:13,505 --> 00:32:15,630
What else does he have in his name?
Two Is.
761
00:32:15,713 --> 00:32:17,796
A-Z-I-Z, A-N-S-A-R-I.
762
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:19,505
Two Is, two triangles.
763
00:32:19,588 --> 00:32:21,546
What does he have in his head?
Two eyes.
764
00:32:21,630 --> 00:32:24,671
Aziz Ansari: illuminati."
765
00:32:24,755 --> 00:32:26,088
[laughter]
766
00:32:26,171 --> 00:32:27,880
[cheering and applause]
767
00:32:32,671 --> 00:32:33,546
[sighs]
768
00:32:35,546 --> 00:32:36,713
If Michael did do this stuff,
769
00:32:36,796 --> 00:32:39,880
it's created, you know,
a weird cultural conundrum for us.
770
00:32:40,338 --> 00:32:42,755
You know. 'Cause, you know,
music's very visceral.
771
00:32:42,838 --> 00:32:44,296
It becomes a part of your life.
772
00:32:44,380 --> 00:32:47,130
You know, my first memory of music itself,
773
00:32:47,588 --> 00:32:51,463
is when I was probably
not that much younger than Tyler.
774
00:32:51,546 --> 00:32:52,505
And I remember...
775
00:32:52,588 --> 00:32:53,463
[laughter]
776
00:32:53,546 --> 00:32:58,171
...listening to a Michael Jackson
cassette, to Thriller.
777
00:32:58,255 --> 00:32:59,796
That was my first memory of music ever.
778
00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:02,588
What's your first memory of music ever,
Tyler? Like, the first song
779
00:33:02,671 --> 00:33:04,755
you remember putting on
and listening to, you remember?
780
00:33:04,838 --> 00:33:07,463
-Probably "Thriller", actually.
-Probably "Thriller"?
781
00:33:08,255 --> 00:33:09,130
Which song?
782
00:33:10,005 --> 00:33:11,713
-What do you mean?
-Which song from Thriller?
783
00:33:11,796 --> 00:33:13,880
Oh, "Thriller", the song "Thriller"?
Oh, okay.
784
00:33:14,546 --> 00:33:17,255
But how do you erase that stuff
from your life, Tyler?
785
00:33:17,546 --> 00:33:19,213
[laughter]
786
00:33:24,296 --> 00:33:26,088
It becomes a part of you, right?
787
00:33:27,921 --> 00:33:30,463
You know what I always thought
would be the craziest conundrum?
788
00:33:30,546 --> 00:33:32,380
What if in 1999,
789
00:33:32,963 --> 00:33:34,713
Osama bin Laden put out...
790
00:33:35,380 --> 00:33:36,880
an incredible jazz album?
791
00:33:36,963 --> 00:33:38,296
[laughter]
792
00:33:40,130 --> 00:33:42,046
And people are like,
"This is seminal work.
793
00:33:42,130 --> 00:33:44,880
This is Miles Coltrane bin Laden," right?
794
00:33:44,963 --> 00:33:45,838
[laughter]
795
00:33:45,921 --> 00:33:48,671
Then that day, you're watching the news,
and the anchor's on there like,
796
00:33:48,755 --> 00:33:50,880
"Uh, it appears the perpetrator
of the attacks was...
797
00:33:51,171 --> 00:33:53,296
jazz legend, Osama bin Laden?
798
00:33:53,380 --> 00:33:54,380
[laughter]
799
00:33:54,463 --> 00:33:57,338
The saxophone player?
Are we sure it's the same guy?
800
00:33:57,796 --> 00:33:59,880
Oh, my God, we're in complete shock
here in the studio.
801
00:33:59,963 --> 00:34:02,880
Uh, right now we have the representative
from his record label on the phone,
802
00:34:02,963 --> 00:34:05,171
this is Darren
from Bop Boppity Bop Bop Records.
803
00:34:05,255 --> 00:34:06,963
Darren, what do you think about all this?"
804
00:34:07,671 --> 00:34:10,421
"I'm in... I'm in complete shock.
I-I can't believe it.
805
00:34:10,505 --> 00:34:13,796
I was with him a couple of weeks ago,
he couldn't have been a nicer guy."
806
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:15,338
"Really? A nice guy?"
807
00:34:15,630 --> 00:34:18,296
"Well, I mean, you know,
he helped me move into my apartment.
808
00:34:18,380 --> 00:34:19,880
-Uh...
-[laughter]
809
00:34:19,963 --> 00:34:22,838
Used to always pick me up
at the airport. Uh...
810
00:34:22,921 --> 00:34:26,088
Shit. I should probably
tell the FBI about that. Uh...
811
00:34:26,171 --> 00:34:27,588
-[laughter]
-[inhales deeply]
812
00:34:27,671 --> 00:34:29,630
[sighs] But I really can't believe it."
813
00:34:31,046 --> 00:34:32,796
"And what about the music, Darren?"
814
00:34:33,921 --> 00:34:35,713
[sighs] "Well, you know, we just...
815
00:34:36,713 --> 00:34:38,838
recorded this Christmas album
with Michael Bublé,
816
00:34:38,921 --> 00:34:40,296
-and, uh...
-[laughter]
817
00:34:40,630 --> 00:34:41,713
I got to be honest,
818
00:34:42,296 --> 00:34:43,130
it's sick.
819
00:34:43,213 --> 00:34:44,380
[laughter]
820
00:34:45,338 --> 00:34:46,171
But...
821
00:34:47,130 --> 00:34:49,255
we're probably gonna have to shelve it."
822
00:34:49,755 --> 00:34:51,755
"Probably will have to shelve it.
823
00:34:52,255 --> 00:34:54,921
I think this might be a question
on a lot of jazz lovers' minds today:
824
00:34:55,005 --> 00:34:57,838
Are we still going to be able
to enjoy this music?
825
00:34:58,296 --> 00:35:00,630
Uh, let's see what the viewers think.
Let's go to the phones.
826
00:35:00,713 --> 00:35:02,755
We have a gentleman calling
from Brooklyn, New York.
827
00:35:02,838 --> 00:35:04,838
This is Dan Greenblatt.
828
00:35:04,921 --> 00:35:06,796
-Dan, what do you think?"
-[laughter]
829
00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:09,838
"Meh, it's not like
it was a thousand buildings."
830
00:35:09,921 --> 00:35:11,255
[laughter]
831
00:35:11,338 --> 00:35:12,588
[applause]
832
00:35:14,296 --> 00:35:15,421
[cheering]
833
00:35:16,963 --> 00:35:17,796
Um...
834
00:35:18,296 --> 00:35:21,171
Oh. I don't know what's gonna happen
to Michael, but...
835
00:35:21,963 --> 00:35:24,630
I think R. Kelly's
in a little bit of a pickle.
836
00:35:24,713 --> 00:35:27,005
Uh... it seems like he's getting charged.
837
00:35:27,088 --> 00:35:31,005
All of the companies have abandoned him.
RCA, Sony, all these places.
838
00:35:31,088 --> 00:35:34,421
You know, nowadays,
you know, you have a big corporation,
839
00:35:34,505 --> 00:35:37,546
even one employee does something,
the whole company's under fire, right?
840
00:35:37,630 --> 00:35:40,005
You know, we saw this
with this whole Pizza Hut thing, right?
841
00:35:40,088 --> 00:35:42,046
Guy orders a pepperoni pizza.
842
00:35:42,130 --> 00:35:43,171
He gets the pizza,
843
00:35:43,255 --> 00:35:46,255
the pepperonis are arranged
to look like a swastika.
844
00:35:46,796 --> 00:35:49,963
But now some people online are saying
it doesn't look like a swastika.
845
00:35:50,046 --> 00:35:52,421
They're saying
it looks like a regular pizza.
846
00:35:52,505 --> 00:35:54,130
So the internet is split.
847
00:35:54,213 --> 00:35:56,963
I saw it. It kinda looked
like a regular pizza to me.
848
00:35:57,046 --> 00:36:00,255
I don't know. What do you guys think?
Clap if you think it was a swastika.
849
00:36:00,338 --> 00:36:02,046
Clap if you think
it looks like a swastika.
850
00:36:02,130 --> 00:36:03,921
[little applause]
851
00:36:04,005 --> 00:36:05,046
Okay. A couple in the back.
852
00:36:05,130 --> 00:36:07,755
Now clap if you think
it just looks like a regular pizza.
853
00:36:08,171 --> 00:36:09,380
[slightly more applause]
854
00:36:09,463 --> 00:36:10,296
Yeah.
855
00:36:10,546 --> 00:36:12,463
So, you, sir, right here...
856
00:36:13,588 --> 00:36:15,838
You-- you think it looks
like a regular pizza?
857
00:36:16,255 --> 00:36:19,213
Yeah? [stammers] And what, you think
this guy's just lying
858
00:36:19,296 --> 00:36:21,088
to get attention or something like that?
Yeah?
859
00:36:21,505 --> 00:36:22,963
And do you remember
where you saw it?
860
00:36:23,046 --> 00:36:25,505
'Cause, uh, it was in New York Times
and Washington Post,
861
00:36:25,588 --> 00:36:28,421
but Washington Post
supposedly accidentally posted
862
00:36:28,505 --> 00:36:30,796
a digitally-altered photo.
Do you remember where you saw it?
863
00:36:31,963 --> 00:36:34,046
-Washington Post.
-You saw in Washington Post?
864
00:36:34,130 --> 00:36:37,130
Okay. Well, you know
what's interesting is, um...
865
00:36:38,213 --> 00:36:40,005
I just made all that up.
None of that happened.
866
00:36:40,088 --> 00:36:41,255
[laughter]
867
00:36:45,880 --> 00:36:50,005
I'm not trying to embarrass you, dude,
but you and everyone that clapped earlier,
868
00:36:50,088 --> 00:36:51,880
you're the fucking problem, okay?
869
00:36:51,963 --> 00:36:54,380
What are you doing?
870
00:36:55,255 --> 00:36:57,213
This is where we're at now?
871
00:36:59,380 --> 00:37:01,463
You think your opinion's so valuable
872
00:37:01,546 --> 00:37:04,921
you need to chime in on shit
that doesn't even exist?
873
00:37:05,005 --> 00:37:06,213
[cheering]
874
00:37:06,296 --> 00:37:09,630
I mean, I do this every night.
Every night, people clap.
875
00:37:09,713 --> 00:37:11,088
First, the first group claps.
876
00:37:11,171 --> 00:37:13,130
"Yeah, it's a swastika.
That's what the country is.
877
00:37:13,213 --> 00:37:15,755
Trump probably put those pepperonis
on there himself!"
878
00:37:15,838 --> 00:37:16,671
[laughter]
879
00:37:16,755 --> 00:37:17,880
Then, the other crew claps.
880
00:37:17,963 --> 00:37:21,671
"No way. The country's way too sensitive.
PC police. Snowflakes!"
881
00:37:21,963 --> 00:37:23,380
And what these people don't realize
882
00:37:23,463 --> 00:37:25,880
is despite believing
completely different things,
883
00:37:26,088 --> 00:37:27,755
they're actually the same person.
884
00:37:28,296 --> 00:37:32,338
'Cause they don't really care about
learning, and exploring, and discussing,
885
00:37:32,671 --> 00:37:35,963
they just want to chime in
with their little programmed reactions.
886
00:37:36,171 --> 00:37:38,296
They already know what they think
about everything.
887
00:37:38,505 --> 00:37:40,838
And the rest of you,
the ones that didn't clap,
888
00:37:41,213 --> 00:37:42,421
you're not off the hook.
889
00:37:42,505 --> 00:37:43,755
[laughter]
890
00:37:43,838 --> 00:37:47,380
I saw your faces. No one was sitting there
like, "Oh, no. This poor guy.
891
00:37:47,463 --> 00:37:48,505
I hope that didn't happen."
892
00:37:48,588 --> 00:37:50,588
No, you were all sitting there
893
00:37:50,963 --> 00:37:53,338
with the same thought
running through your head.
894
00:37:54,505 --> 00:37:57,005
-"How did I miss this Pizza Hut thing?
-[laughter]
895
00:37:57,088 --> 00:37:58,671
You see the--? You see it?
896
00:37:58,755 --> 00:38:02,171
I watch so much news.
I'm watching CNN all goddamn day!
897
00:38:02,255 --> 00:38:03,713
I'm on my phone the rest of the time,
898
00:38:03,796 --> 00:38:06,505
I've had my shit locked up
in this stupid pouch for an hour,
899
00:38:06,588 --> 00:38:08,046
and I'm already behind!"
900
00:38:08,130 --> 00:38:09,296
[laughter]
901
00:38:09,963 --> 00:38:11,463
[cheering and applause]
902
00:38:15,130 --> 00:38:17,921
By the way, you had to be
a little skeptical of this thing,
903
00:38:18,005 --> 00:38:21,380
'cause, you know, if this happened,
it wouldn't have been a Pizza Hut,
904
00:38:21,463 --> 00:38:23,338
it would've happened at Papa John's.
905
00:38:23,421 --> 00:38:24,755
[laughter]
906
00:38:24,838 --> 00:38:26,213
[applause]
907
00:38:30,130 --> 00:38:30,963
[woman] Funny!
908
00:38:31,046 --> 00:38:32,338
[chuckles] Cool.
909
00:38:32,421 --> 00:38:33,338
[laughs]
910
00:38:33,421 --> 00:38:35,505
Some lady just yelled, "Funny!"
911
00:38:35,588 --> 00:38:36,671
[laughter]
912
00:38:37,421 --> 00:38:39,463
Unnecessary, but appreciated.
913
00:38:39,546 --> 00:38:40,880
[laughter]
914
00:38:42,505 --> 00:38:45,963
This is why it's cool
to come to live stuff.
915
00:38:46,046 --> 00:38:47,671
You never know
what's gonna happen, right?
916
00:38:47,755 --> 00:38:48,671
"Funny!"
917
00:38:48,755 --> 00:38:53,171
That's never happened ever
in 18 years of doing comedy.
918
00:38:53,255 --> 00:38:54,546
[laughter]
919
00:39:00,713 --> 00:39:01,546
So...
920
00:39:01,630 --> 00:39:02,463
Ooh!
921
00:39:02,963 --> 00:39:05,088
Let's talk about Alzheimer's for a minute.
922
00:39:05,171 --> 00:39:06,380
[laughter]
923
00:39:07,505 --> 00:39:09,546
My grandma has Alzheimer's.
924
00:39:09,963 --> 00:39:12,463
I just saw her in India
over the Christmas holiday.
925
00:39:12,755 --> 00:39:14,005
And, um, you know,
926
00:39:14,088 --> 00:39:16,380
I don't know if you've got
Alzheimer's people in your life,
927
00:39:16,463 --> 00:39:18,296
but it's a very sad disease.
928
00:39:18,588 --> 00:39:21,255
Uh, she has a caretaker now.
This woman named Fatima.
929
00:39:21,505 --> 00:39:25,255
And, uh, Fatima kind of explained to me
how you hang out with Alzheimer's people,
930
00:39:25,338 --> 00:39:26,171
'cause, you know,
931
00:39:26,255 --> 00:39:28,713
they have all these little tics and stuff
you gotta account for.
932
00:39:28,796 --> 00:39:31,546
Like one thing my grandma would do
is she would ask the same questions
933
00:39:31,630 --> 00:39:32,796
over and over, you know?
934
00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:34,880
Like, one thing she kept asking,
she kept going, uh,
935
00:39:34,963 --> 00:39:37,130
"Is Aisha in there making samosas?"
936
00:39:38,171 --> 00:39:40,296
And Fatima would go,
"Yep, she's in there!"
937
00:39:41,005 --> 00:39:43,880
This was very strange to me
'cause Aisha's her sister...
938
00:39:44,213 --> 00:39:45,630
[whispers] that passed away.
939
00:39:46,088 --> 00:39:48,671
She's definitely not in the kitchen
making samosas.
940
00:39:48,755 --> 00:39:49,671
[laughter]
941
00:39:50,630 --> 00:39:51,921
And I asked Fatima, like,
942
00:39:52,005 --> 00:39:53,921
"Why are you saying that?
Why are you lying?"
943
00:39:54,005 --> 00:39:57,880
She goes,
"Oh, sometimes it's easier that way."
944
00:39:59,213 --> 00:40:01,755
And I was like,
"Oh. That seems kind of mean."
945
00:40:01,838 --> 00:40:02,671
[laughter]
946
00:40:03,088 --> 00:40:06,255
But I was there with my girlfriend, right,
who's a Caucasian woman.
947
00:40:06,338 --> 00:40:08,630
And every now and then,
we'd be sitting around,
948
00:40:08,713 --> 00:40:11,380
and my grandma would just go,
"Who's this white lady?"
949
00:40:11,463 --> 00:40:12,421
[laughter]
950
00:40:13,588 --> 00:40:15,671
I'd go, "It's my girlfriend, Grandma."
951
00:40:15,755 --> 00:40:17,005
"Does that mean it's your wife?"
952
00:40:17,088 --> 00:40:18,296
"No, no, no. We're just dating.
953
00:40:18,380 --> 00:40:20,630
Love each other very much,
might get married in the future,
954
00:40:20,713 --> 00:40:22,921
but she's very important to me,
I wanted you to meet her."
955
00:40:23,005 --> 00:40:24,255
"Oh, okay." Blah, blah, blah.
956
00:40:24,338 --> 00:40:26,213
-"Who's this white lady?"
-[laughter]
957
00:40:26,296 --> 00:40:27,588
"It's my girlfriend, grandma."
958
00:40:27,671 --> 00:40:28,546
"Is that your wife?"
959
00:40:28,630 --> 00:40:30,421
"No, no, We're just dating,
might get married.
960
00:40:30,505 --> 00:40:32,046
Love each other.
She's someone important.
961
00:40:32,130 --> 00:40:33,796
Wanted you to meet her."
"Okay." Blah, blah.
962
00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:35,213
Who's this white lady?"
963
00:40:35,630 --> 00:40:37,546
Um, "The British are back, Grandma.
964
00:40:37,630 --> 00:40:38,921
[laughter]
965
00:40:43,921 --> 00:40:46,671
And... we're gonna need
to see your papers."
966
00:40:46,755 --> 00:40:47,880
[laughter]
967
00:40:52,546 --> 00:40:53,463
[clears throat]
968
00:40:53,546 --> 00:40:56,421
The saddest thing that happened
was when my grandma goes, uh...
969
00:40:56,546 --> 00:40:59,213
At one point, she kept asking me
to stay with her a little bit longer.
970
00:40:59,296 --> 00:41:01,505
She was like, "Why don't you stay here
a couple of nights,
971
00:41:01,588 --> 00:41:03,005
spend some time with your grandma?"
972
00:41:03,088 --> 00:41:04,796
I was like, "Oh, I can't, Grandma.
973
00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:06,921
I've got to head back
and get ready for my tour."
974
00:41:07,005 --> 00:41:08,005
She was like, "Oh, okay.
975
00:41:08,088 --> 00:41:10,005
Hey, why don't you stay here
for a couple of days,
976
00:41:10,088 --> 00:41:11,463
spend some time with your grandma?"
977
00:41:11,546 --> 00:41:12,713
I was like, "I can't, Grandma.
978
00:41:12,796 --> 00:41:14,963
I gotta fly back tomorrow
and get ready for my tour."
979
00:41:15,046 --> 00:41:15,880
"Oh, okay."
980
00:41:15,963 --> 00:41:18,630
She kept asking me.
I kept saying my thing.
981
00:41:19,171 --> 00:41:21,213
And it was killing me because...
982
00:41:22,255 --> 00:41:23,421
I knew it wasn't true.
983
00:41:23,713 --> 00:41:24,921
[laughter]
984
00:41:25,005 --> 00:41:25,838
I mean...
985
00:41:26,421 --> 00:41:27,921
I had a flight the next day,
986
00:41:28,005 --> 00:41:31,213
but I could've rearranged some things
and stayed a little longer.
987
00:41:31,880 --> 00:41:33,838
But I'm not that good a person.
988
00:41:33,921 --> 00:41:35,088
[laughter]
989
00:41:35,171 --> 00:41:38,421
I'm one afternoon good,
I'm not two nights good.
990
00:41:38,505 --> 00:41:39,671
[laughter]
991
00:41:40,505 --> 00:41:43,963
And, uh, she asked me again,
and I was about to go into my spiel,
992
00:41:44,046 --> 00:41:46,088
and then Fatima
just taps me on the shoulder,
993
00:41:46,171 --> 00:41:47,088
and she just goes,
994
00:41:47,546 --> 00:41:49,130
"Just tell her you're staying."
995
00:41:49,213 --> 00:41:50,546
[laughter]
996
00:41:53,380 --> 00:41:54,755
And I was like, "Oh, man...
997
00:41:55,671 --> 00:41:57,130
I'm a bad grandson, but...
998
00:41:57,838 --> 00:42:01,421
you're like a demon or something.
I'm not doing that! That's mean!"
999
00:42:01,505 --> 00:42:03,130
"Yeah, Grandma, I'll be here all week!
1000
00:42:03,213 --> 00:42:06,630
And guess who else is here?
Aisha, bring out those samosas!"
1001
00:42:06,713 --> 00:42:07,880
[laughter]
1002
00:42:07,963 --> 00:42:08,963
[applause]
1003
00:42:12,630 --> 00:42:14,421
It's hard seeing my grandma that way,
though,
1004
00:42:14,505 --> 00:42:17,630
'cause I remember her
when she was younger, you know?
1005
00:42:18,296 --> 00:42:20,796
And that's a scary thing
when you get to the age I'm at.
1006
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:21,880
I'm 36 now, so,
1007
00:42:21,963 --> 00:42:23,380
I've seen people get old.
1008
00:42:23,463 --> 00:42:25,296
I see what old age can do to people.
1009
00:42:25,630 --> 00:42:27,546
When you're younger
and you meet people that old,
1010
00:42:27,630 --> 00:42:30,838
you only knew them
in the deteriorated state, right?
1011
00:42:31,046 --> 00:42:33,338
Like, if you ever met your great-grandma,
1012
00:42:33,421 --> 00:42:35,963
the first time you met her,
she was like, "Aah!"
1013
00:42:36,046 --> 00:42:37,921
Uh, "Hi, Great-grandma Carol."
1014
00:42:38,005 --> 00:42:39,255
[yelling]
1015
00:42:40,005 --> 00:42:42,213
You didn't know her
when she was jumping rope or whatever.
1016
00:42:42,296 --> 00:42:46,171
Like, you only knew her
as this Star Wars villain-type person.
1017
00:42:46,255 --> 00:42:47,380
[laughter]
1018
00:42:49,255 --> 00:42:51,671
But now, you see that change.
1019
00:42:52,380 --> 00:42:53,421
It's very scary.
1020
00:42:54,130 --> 00:42:57,588
'Cause you realize
that's coming for us all, right?
1021
00:42:58,171 --> 00:42:59,463
It's coming for us.
1022
00:43:00,255 --> 00:43:01,796
It's coming for our parents.
1023
00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:05,046
[whispers]
That's when it gets scary, right?
1024
00:43:05,296 --> 00:43:07,130
You start thinking about your folks.
1025
00:43:07,630 --> 00:43:08,796
I'm very lucky,
1026
00:43:09,255 --> 00:43:11,463
both of my parents
are still alive and well,
1027
00:43:11,546 --> 00:43:12,880
still have it all up here.
1028
00:43:13,921 --> 00:43:16,421
And I completely take it for granted.
1029
00:43:17,588 --> 00:43:19,963
I don't call 'em enough.
I don't see 'em enough.
1030
00:43:21,505 --> 00:43:22,838
You see your folks enough?
1031
00:43:23,421 --> 00:43:26,880
How often you see them?
What, two or three times a year?
1032
00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:29,088
What have they got left?
1033
00:43:29,963 --> 00:43:30,963
Maybe 20 years?
1034
00:43:32,046 --> 00:43:32,921
That's...
1035
00:43:33,421 --> 00:43:35,838
60 more times you get to see 'em.
1036
00:43:37,046 --> 00:43:37,963
That's it.
1037
00:43:38,588 --> 00:43:40,255
Sixty more times.
1038
00:43:41,296 --> 00:43:42,796
Sixty more hangs.
1039
00:43:44,838 --> 00:43:46,380
Are you making the most of these hangs?
1040
00:43:47,338 --> 00:43:49,421
Are you creating cherished memories?
1041
00:43:51,213 --> 00:43:53,505
You know what? Everyone just
close your eyes for a second.
1042
00:43:53,588 --> 00:43:55,421
Close your eyes for a second.
Close your eyes.
1043
00:43:59,130 --> 00:44:01,213
Come on, man. Let's close 'em.
You're the only one.
1044
00:44:01,296 --> 00:44:02,880
[laughter]
1045
00:44:03,838 --> 00:44:07,213
Just think back to that last weekend
you saw your parents, right?
1046
00:44:08,963 --> 00:44:10,546
Think about everything you did.
1047
00:44:13,588 --> 00:44:15,671
Hone in on your most cherished memory.
1048
00:44:17,796 --> 00:44:20,880
And when you've got your memory,
just raise your hand.
1049
00:44:25,130 --> 00:44:27,046
There's, like, five hands right now.
1050
00:44:27,130 --> 00:44:28,088
[laughter]
1051
00:44:28,171 --> 00:44:31,838
You know why? 'Cause we all had
the same shitty weekend, okay?
1052
00:44:32,130 --> 00:44:34,921
I know what you did,
'cause I did the same thing.
1053
00:44:35,213 --> 00:44:36,546
You show up late on a Friday like,
1054
00:44:36,630 --> 00:44:38,880
"All right, well, I better unpack my stuff
and get to bed."
1055
00:44:38,963 --> 00:44:41,796
"All right, we'll see you in the morning."
Day one done.
1056
00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:43,171
[laughter]
1057
00:44:44,171 --> 00:44:48,588
Then, you wake up early the next day
at like... 11:30.
1058
00:44:48,671 --> 00:44:50,005
[laughter]
1059
00:44:50,088 --> 00:44:52,921
go in the kitchen, making coffee.
"Oh, you guys got a new coffee machine."
1060
00:44:53,005 --> 00:44:54,505
"Yeah, we like it."
1061
00:44:54,588 --> 00:44:55,463
[laughter]
1062
00:44:55,546 --> 00:44:57,421
Conversation done.
1063
00:44:57,505 --> 00:44:58,838
[laughter]
1064
00:45:00,296 --> 00:45:02,588
The rest of the day,
everyone's on their phones, computers,
1065
00:45:02,671 --> 00:45:04,463
doing whatever they can
to avoid eye contact
1066
00:45:04,546 --> 00:45:06,213
or any kind of deep conversation.
1067
00:45:06,546 --> 00:45:09,171
At a certain point,
collective guilt sets in.
1068
00:45:09,255 --> 00:45:11,505
The entire family convenes
in the living room.
1069
00:45:12,130 --> 00:45:13,880
No one knows what the fuck to say.
1070
00:45:13,963 --> 00:45:15,046
[laughter]
1071
00:45:15,130 --> 00:45:17,005
Then, at some point, for some reason,
1072
00:45:17,088 --> 00:45:20,296
you and your entire family
watch the film Speed together.
1073
00:45:20,380 --> 00:45:21,755
[laughter]
1074
00:45:22,838 --> 00:45:24,213
And then, it's dinner time.
1075
00:45:24,421 --> 00:45:28,463
One of your parents is like, "Hey, let's
go to any restaurant you like. You pick."
1076
00:45:28,546 --> 00:45:31,171
And you're like, "I don't live
in this shitty town. You pick!"
1077
00:45:31,755 --> 00:45:33,796
And they're like, "Let's go
to that restaurant we like
1078
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:36,338
and don't realize is actually a chain!"
1079
00:45:36,671 --> 00:45:39,963
You show up, you order jalapeno poppers
and the fried onion thing.
1080
00:45:40,046 --> 00:45:41,338
You eat all the stuff, come home,
1081
00:45:41,421 --> 00:45:43,588
you take the biggest shit
you've had in months.
1082
00:45:43,671 --> 00:45:44,505
[laughter]
1083
00:45:44,588 --> 00:45:47,088
Wake up the next morning,
pack your stuff up,
1084
00:45:47,505 --> 00:45:48,380
wheeling it out.
1085
00:45:48,463 --> 00:45:49,630
Just as you're leaving,
1086
00:45:50,380 --> 00:45:52,921
one of your parents
finally looks you in the eyes.
1087
00:45:53,588 --> 00:45:54,671
And they're like, uh,
1088
00:45:55,380 --> 00:45:56,963
"Is your life okay?"
1089
00:45:57,046 --> 00:45:58,088
[laughter]
1090
00:45:58,755 --> 00:46:00,005
And it never is.
1091
00:46:00,088 --> 00:46:01,380
[laughter]
1092
00:46:01,463 --> 00:46:03,296
But you're just like, "Yeah!"
1093
00:46:03,380 --> 00:46:04,421
[laughter]
1094
00:46:04,505 --> 00:46:06,630
'Cause we're completely incapable
1095
00:46:07,088 --> 00:46:08,880
of having a real conversation
1096
00:46:09,296 --> 00:46:13,046
with these people we've known
our entire lives.
1097
00:46:13,838 --> 00:46:15,796
We do this whole song and dance
1098
00:46:16,338 --> 00:46:18,088
59 more times...
1099
00:46:18,171 --> 00:46:19,380
[laughter]
1100
00:46:23,130 --> 00:46:24,296
And then they're dead.
1101
00:46:24,380 --> 00:46:25,463
[laughter]
1102
00:46:30,046 --> 00:46:32,130
What if I ended the show right there?
1103
00:46:32,213 --> 00:46:33,380
[laughter]
1104
00:46:37,005 --> 00:46:40,046
By the way, poor Tyler.
None of this applies to you, dude.
1105
00:46:40,130 --> 00:46:41,213
[laughter]
1106
00:46:41,713 --> 00:46:44,671
He's sitting there like,
"My dad's gonna die in 20 years!"
1107
00:46:44,755 --> 00:46:45,713
[laughter]
1108
00:46:48,713 --> 00:46:50,921
You're all good, man.
You're with your dad right now.
1109
00:46:51,005 --> 00:46:52,046
It's all good.
1110
00:46:52,130 --> 00:46:54,380
[laughs] He's gonna go home
and just hug his mom,
1111
00:46:54,463 --> 00:46:57,046
"Mom, the man said
you're gonna die in 20 years!"
1112
00:46:57,130 --> 00:46:58,713
[laughter]
1113
00:47:01,755 --> 00:47:04,588
I'm not saying all this stuff
to make us sad, okay?
1114
00:47:04,671 --> 00:47:06,963
I'm saying it to hopefully inspire us
1115
00:47:07,046 --> 00:47:09,755
to talk to these people,
get to know 'em, right?
1116
00:47:10,130 --> 00:47:13,338
'Cause when they pass, we're the ones
that tell their story, okay?
1117
00:47:13,421 --> 00:47:14,838
You know, we're their biographers.
1118
00:47:14,921 --> 00:47:18,630
And I'm sure they're way more interesting
than we give 'em credit for.
1119
00:47:18,713 --> 00:47:20,921
So, next time we're home,
I challenge us all,
1120
00:47:21,005 --> 00:47:22,963
sit down with these people, talk to 'em.
1121
00:47:23,046 --> 00:47:25,213
You know? Sit down with your mom
and say, "You know what?
1122
00:47:25,296 --> 00:47:26,713
Put away the phones and everything.
1123
00:47:26,796 --> 00:47:28,880
I want to talk to you.
I want to learn about your life.
1124
00:47:28,963 --> 00:47:30,713
Tell me your story."
And she'll be touched.
1125
00:47:30,796 --> 00:47:34,046
You look her in the eye
and you ask her stuff. You go big.
1126
00:47:34,546 --> 00:47:36,005
Say, "So, Mom...
1127
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:39,213
You ever fuck a black guy?
1128
00:47:39,296 --> 00:47:40,630
[laughter]
1129
00:47:43,630 --> 00:47:44,588
[gasps]
1130
00:47:44,671 --> 00:47:46,796
"Why would you ask me
something like that?"
1131
00:47:46,880 --> 00:47:48,005
[laughter]
1132
00:47:48,630 --> 00:47:51,880
"I'm just trying to learn about your life,
I don't know. I just want to know things."
1133
00:47:51,963 --> 00:47:54,463
"Well, that seems
like a very strange place to start!
1134
00:47:54,796 --> 00:47:56,505
"I don't know. I'm trying."
1135
00:47:56,963 --> 00:47:57,796
[scoffs]
1136
00:48:00,171 --> 00:48:03,005
All right, it was '98,
and the Bulls were in their prime.
1137
00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:04,088
[laughter]
1138
00:48:04,171 --> 00:48:05,505
[applause]
1139
00:48:09,921 --> 00:48:12,421
Um... Tyler, you can do that part
if you want.
1140
00:48:12,505 --> 00:48:13,880
[laughter]
1141
00:48:14,213 --> 00:48:15,755
[Aziz laughs]
1142
00:48:20,338 --> 00:48:22,171
Tyler, promise me you'll do that.
1143
00:48:22,255 --> 00:48:23,880
-[laughter]
-Will you do it?
1144
00:48:24,046 --> 00:48:26,421
Will you do it? Will you do it?
Will you do it?
1145
00:48:26,921 --> 00:48:27,921
Yes!
1146
00:48:28,005 --> 00:48:29,421
[cheering and applause]
1147
00:48:30,505 --> 00:48:31,921
[Aziz laughs]
1148
00:48:33,338 --> 00:48:34,921
Mmm...
1149
00:48:36,171 --> 00:48:37,046
Uh...
1150
00:48:38,005 --> 00:48:40,088
I, uh... I'm in a relationship right now.
1151
00:48:40,380 --> 00:48:42,713
-[cheering]
-Yeah, a very wonderful woman.
1152
00:48:42,796 --> 00:48:44,463
Uh, we're an interracial couple.
1153
00:48:44,546 --> 00:48:46,713
You know, most people
don't care about that. But, uh...
1154
00:48:46,796 --> 00:48:49,546
some people don't like it!
1155
00:48:50,088 --> 00:48:52,380
We kind of get it on two fronts nowadays,
you know?
1156
00:48:52,463 --> 00:48:55,505
One front, we get kind of old-school,
classic stuff, you know?
1157
00:48:55,588 --> 00:48:57,296
Like, "Y'all don't match!"
1158
00:48:57,380 --> 00:48:58,588
[laughter]
1159
00:48:58,671 --> 00:49:02,088
And you also get kind of new school stuff,
like, "Aziz, you're in entertainment,
1160
00:49:02,171 --> 00:49:04,130
you shouldn't be dating
outside your ethnicity,
1161
00:49:04,213 --> 00:49:05,213
especially a white person,
1162
00:49:05,296 --> 00:49:09,296
'cause that propagates ideas
of white beauty being put on a pedestal!"
1163
00:49:09,463 --> 00:49:12,296
Which is just a fancy way of saying,
"Y'all don't match!"
1164
00:49:12,380 --> 00:49:13,588
[laughter]
1165
00:49:14,046 --> 00:49:17,171
'Cause, look, man, I understand.
I get the argument, okay?
1166
00:49:17,255 --> 00:49:20,338
But I've dated Indian people.
I've dated people of many ethnicities.
1167
00:49:20,421 --> 00:49:22,755
But this is the person
I have a deep connection with.
1168
00:49:22,838 --> 00:49:24,171
That's very hard to find.
1169
00:49:24,338 --> 00:49:27,005
And I'm sorry
we're not the same skin tone.
1170
00:49:27,088 --> 00:49:28,213
But I'm also kind of tired
1171
00:49:28,296 --> 00:49:31,213
of people telling me
what race person I'm allowed to date.
1172
00:49:31,296 --> 00:49:33,421
This has happened my entire life,
you know?
1173
00:49:33,505 --> 00:49:34,671
Even when I was a little kid.
1174
00:49:34,755 --> 00:49:38,213
I remember being in first grade,
every single kid in the class was white,
1175
00:49:38,296 --> 00:49:40,505
except for me and this little Asian girl.
1176
00:49:40,588 --> 00:49:42,630
And even back then,
people used to be like,
1177
00:49:43,255 --> 00:49:46,046
-"All right, Aziz!
-[laughter]
1178
00:49:46,130 --> 00:49:49,005
What's going on with you
and Christine Li, man?
1179
00:49:49,088 --> 00:49:52,255
I see you two. What's going on over there?
1180
00:49:52,338 --> 00:49:56,463
Come on, man. You look weird.
She looks weird...
1181
00:49:56,546 --> 00:49:57,713
[laughter]
1182
00:49:57,796 --> 00:49:59,255
Let's do this!"
1183
00:50:00,671 --> 00:50:02,588
Then 20-odd years later,
I get into show business,
1184
00:50:02,671 --> 00:50:04,046
it's the same thing, right?
1185
00:50:04,296 --> 00:50:05,421
"All right, Aziz,
1186
00:50:05,505 --> 00:50:07,505
you're an Indian comedy actor...
1187
00:50:07,588 --> 00:50:08,463
[clears throat]
1188
00:50:08,546 --> 00:50:13,255
Mindy Kaling's an Indian comedy actor.
What's going on-yam-yam-yam-yam?"
1189
00:50:13,713 --> 00:50:14,880
[laughter]
1190
00:50:16,630 --> 00:50:17,505
Uh...
1191
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:21,796
You know, uh, my girlfriend, she's Danish,
1192
00:50:21,880 --> 00:50:25,713
so she doesn't even understand
some of the racism we deal with sometimes.
1193
00:50:25,796 --> 00:50:28,921
'Cause, you know, they don't have
the same kind of racism in Denmark.
1194
00:50:29,005 --> 00:50:32,796
Just culturally, it's different,
'cause they don't have any other races.
1195
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:33,755
[laughter]
1196
00:50:34,088 --> 00:50:34,963
Just Danish people,
1197
00:50:35,046 --> 00:50:38,046
and the closest thing they've got
to minorities is rye bread.
1198
00:50:38,130 --> 00:50:39,380
[laughter]
1199
00:50:39,463 --> 00:50:42,296
So sometimes, I've got to explain stuff
to her, you know?
1200
00:50:42,671 --> 00:50:44,796
And, okay, I'm gonna do her voice
for this next bit.
1201
00:50:44,880 --> 00:50:46,171
This is not her voice, okay?
1202
00:50:46,255 --> 00:50:47,671
Her... her accent's a little tricky,
1203
00:50:47,755 --> 00:50:49,921
'cause she's lived
in a few different parts of the world,
1204
00:50:50,005 --> 00:50:52,338
so, I'm just saying that
'cause I don't want to do this voice
1205
00:50:52,421 --> 00:50:56,713
and people be like, "Whoa, Aziz is dating
some Mary Poppins-sounding motherfucker."
1206
00:50:56,796 --> 00:50:57,630
[laughter]
1207
00:50:57,713 --> 00:50:59,505
Anyway, she comes up to me one day,
she goes,
1208
00:50:59,838 --> 00:51:02,505
"Darling, I did something a bit naughty.
1209
00:51:02,671 --> 00:51:04,963
Um, I went on some internet forums
1210
00:51:05,046 --> 00:51:07,755
and I saw people have been posting
paparazzi photos of us.
1211
00:51:07,838 --> 00:51:09,296
And I'm just wondering,
1212
00:51:09,380 --> 00:51:12,588
why do these people think
that my name is Becky?"
1213
00:51:13,005 --> 00:51:13,963
[laughter]
1214
00:51:15,921 --> 00:51:20,046
And I had to explain to her,
"No one thinks your name's Becky.
1215
00:51:20,130 --> 00:51:22,796
That's just internet slang
making fun of white girls.
1216
00:51:23,130 --> 00:51:26,005
Like the Beyoncé song,
"Go call Becky with the good hair."
1217
00:51:26,130 --> 00:51:29,088
"Oh... so it's kind of like a slur?
1218
00:51:29,713 --> 00:51:32,671
Not that bad really,
just calling me a different name."
1219
00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:35,421
And then she opened up her umbrella
and flew into the sky.
1220
00:51:35,505 --> 00:51:37,005
[laughter]
1221
00:51:37,088 --> 00:51:38,296
[applause]
1222
00:51:39,255 --> 00:51:40,713
One time... [laughs]
1223
00:51:40,796 --> 00:51:42,796
we were walking around in New York,
right?
1224
00:51:43,171 --> 00:51:45,296
And we're just holding hands,
minding our business.
1225
00:51:45,380 --> 00:51:47,421
Dude just points at us, and he goes,
1226
00:51:47,505 --> 00:51:50,171
"Bet you get a lot of free taxi rides
with that one!"
1227
00:51:50,255 --> 00:51:51,171
[audience] Oh!
1228
00:51:51,255 --> 00:51:53,463
Before I could even say anything,
my girlfriend just goes,
1229
00:51:53,546 --> 00:51:57,796
"Excuse me, sir. I pay for my fair share
of the taxis, thank you very much!"
1230
00:51:58,130 --> 00:51:59,255
[laughter]
1231
00:51:59,338 --> 00:52:03,005
And then just started strutting
like she'd dominated the interaction.
1232
00:52:03,088 --> 00:52:04,088
[laughter]
1233
00:52:06,130 --> 00:52:09,546
And... I didn't even get a chance
to get angry at this guy
1234
00:52:09,630 --> 00:52:11,630
'cause I was so confused.
1235
00:52:11,713 --> 00:52:12,963
[laughter]
1236
00:52:13,046 --> 00:52:15,630
And I was eventually like,
"Why did you say that?"
1237
00:52:16,296 --> 00:52:18,380
She goes,
"Well, this gentleman is clearly implying
1238
00:52:18,463 --> 00:52:22,213
that I'm dating you for your wealth
and that I am some kind of gold digger."
1239
00:52:22,296 --> 00:52:23,671
[laughter]
1240
00:52:25,088 --> 00:52:26,213
[laughter]
1241
00:52:26,296 --> 00:52:27,338
[applause]
1242
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:30,755
"That's what you think just happened?
1243
00:52:30,838 --> 00:52:31,796
[laughter]
1244
00:52:31,880 --> 00:52:32,755
No.
1245
00:52:33,463 --> 00:52:36,505
He's making fun of me 'cause I'm Indian.
He's saying that I drive a taxi."
1246
00:52:37,005 --> 00:52:40,463
"Hm, well, you don't drive a taxi. Ha-ha!"
1247
00:52:40,546 --> 00:52:41,838
[laughter]
1248
00:52:41,921 --> 00:52:43,421
"No, he knows that.
1249
00:52:43,921 --> 00:52:44,880
[laughter]
1250
00:52:44,963 --> 00:52:46,338
He's just saying that...
1251
00:52:47,046 --> 00:52:49,380
a lot of times you get in a cab,
it's a brown guy.
1252
00:52:49,463 --> 00:52:52,046
It's a stereotype.
It's a job Indian people have a lot."
1253
00:52:52,130 --> 00:52:54,213
"Mmm, well, a lot of Indian people
are doctors as well.
1254
00:52:54,296 --> 00:52:57,338
He could've said, 'Oh, bet you get a lot
of free check-ups with that one."
1255
00:52:57,421 --> 00:52:58,380
[laughter]
1256
00:53:00,796 --> 00:53:01,630
Uh...
1257
00:53:02,671 --> 00:53:06,171
"I guess technically, yes, but...
why the fuck would he say that?
1258
00:53:06,255 --> 00:53:09,213
That's not... not really
what he's going for here, okay?
1259
00:53:09,296 --> 00:53:11,130
He's trying to be demeaning, okay?
1260
00:53:11,213 --> 00:53:14,838
He's not trying to make fun of me
for potentially being a doctor. Uh...
1261
00:53:14,921 --> 00:53:15,838
[laughter]
1262
00:53:17,005 --> 00:53:20,796
He's just saying, often you get in a cab,
it's a brown guy and he's Indian, okay?"
1263
00:53:20,880 --> 00:53:22,380
"Hm, well, someone send him a memo,
1264
00:53:22,463 --> 00:53:24,880
'cause just 'cause someone's brown
doesn't mean they're Indian.
1265
00:53:24,963 --> 00:53:27,296
They could also be Pakistani,
Bangladeshi, and many other--"
1266
00:53:27,380 --> 00:53:29,046
[yells] "Yeah, he knows all this!
1267
00:53:29,130 --> 00:53:30,380
[laughter]
1268
00:53:30,463 --> 00:53:33,255
Goddammit, Becky,
this is what racism is."
1269
00:53:33,338 --> 00:53:34,421
[laughter]
1270
00:53:34,505 --> 00:53:35,671
[applause]
1271
00:53:38,796 --> 00:53:41,338
For birth control stuff, my girlfriend,
1272
00:53:41,421 --> 00:53:42,963
uh, she has an IUD.
1273
00:53:43,546 --> 00:53:44,380
[cheering]
1274
00:53:44,463 --> 00:53:46,255
Got some fans in the house!
1275
00:53:46,338 --> 00:53:47,505
[laughs]
1276
00:53:47,588 --> 00:53:50,005
"Whoo, I have one in my pussy, as well!"
1277
00:53:50,088 --> 00:53:51,130
[laughter]
1278
00:53:52,213 --> 00:53:53,963
[laughing]
1279
00:53:54,046 --> 00:53:56,088
Two people that are sitting
pretty close together.
1280
00:53:56,171 --> 00:53:57,713
There's a little cluster.
1281
00:53:57,796 --> 00:53:59,088
[laughter]
1282
00:54:00,463 --> 00:54:02,421
But, you know, my girlfriend has one,
1283
00:54:02,505 --> 00:54:05,713
and she's very surprised that more people
in America don't have the IUDs,
1284
00:54:05,796 --> 00:54:07,963
'cause they're very popular in Europe.
Here, not as much.
1285
00:54:08,046 --> 00:54:09,838
Here, people are more into the pills.
1286
00:54:09,921 --> 00:54:11,588
If you think about it,
I get her confusion,
1287
00:54:11,671 --> 00:54:14,421
'cause the pills really are
a crazy product, right?
1288
00:54:14,838 --> 00:54:17,505
Pills are like you and your partner,
Lisa and David,
1289
00:54:17,588 --> 00:54:19,213
go to the doctor, you're like, "Uh...
1290
00:54:19,296 --> 00:54:23,171
Yes, um, we're worried about pregnancy
but we don't want to use condoms.
1291
00:54:23,255 --> 00:54:24,713
Is there anything we can do?"
1292
00:54:25,046 --> 00:54:27,713
The doctor's like,
"Yes. I've got the perfect plan.
1293
00:54:28,338 --> 00:54:30,421
Lisa, I'm gonna give you this pill.
1294
00:54:31,171 --> 00:54:32,421
This pill, uh...
1295
00:54:32,505 --> 00:54:34,421
-this pill's gonna fuck you up.
-[laughter]
1296
00:54:34,505 --> 00:54:37,130
It's gonna put a bunch of hormones
in your body, it's gonna be weird,
1297
00:54:37,213 --> 00:54:39,880
but I need you to take the pill every day
at the same time, okay?
1298
00:54:39,963 --> 00:54:41,505
Every day, same time.
1299
00:54:41,588 --> 00:54:45,088
Don't forget. You forget even once,
you'll get pregnant today, okay?
1300
00:54:45,171 --> 00:54:47,546
Every day, same time.
1301
00:54:48,005 --> 00:54:49,630
Don't fuck this up, Lisa!
1302
00:54:49,713 --> 00:54:50,755
[laughter]
1303
00:54:50,838 --> 00:54:52,921
All right, David,
this is what you're gonna have to do.
1304
00:54:53,005 --> 00:54:56,713
Nothing. I got you, dog, just go ahead.
Drop it in. Have a good time.
1305
00:54:57,421 --> 00:55:00,046
I don't even know why you came
to the appointment. You're adorable."
1306
00:55:00,130 --> 00:55:01,255
[laughter]
1307
00:55:02,255 --> 00:55:04,921
Now, the way the IUD thing works...
1308
00:55:06,046 --> 00:55:08,463
The way the IUD thing works is
1309
00:55:08,546 --> 00:55:11,713
there's this little copper guy,
and the doctor puts it in there very deep
1310
00:55:11,796 --> 00:55:13,213
in a very painful procedure.
1311
00:55:13,296 --> 00:55:14,880
And it's got these strings on the outside
1312
00:55:14,963 --> 00:55:17,963
so the doctor can take it out
if you decide you want to have kids,
1313
00:55:18,046 --> 00:55:20,755
or I guess after, like, seven years,
it has to be replaced.
1314
00:55:20,838 --> 00:55:23,630
And, uh, one time, we're doing stuff,
1315
00:55:23,963 --> 00:55:25,296
and I hit the string...
1316
00:55:25,713 --> 00:55:27,588
-[whispers] with my penis.
-[laughter]
1317
00:55:27,671 --> 00:55:28,838
And...
1318
00:55:29,463 --> 00:55:30,880
it hurt very badly.
1319
00:55:31,588 --> 00:55:32,671
And, oh, man...
1320
00:55:33,338 --> 00:55:36,380
It's hard to go back in there
with that same level of enthusiasm...
1321
00:55:36,463 --> 00:55:37,921
[laughter]
1322
00:55:38,005 --> 00:55:39,671
after an attack.
1323
00:55:40,671 --> 00:55:43,005
I'm trying to think of an analogy.
It's like...
1324
00:55:43,088 --> 00:55:45,171
Uh, let's say
you're eating a bag of chips, right?
1325
00:55:45,255 --> 00:55:48,046
And... everything's fine, right?
You're having the chips...
1326
00:55:48,130 --> 00:55:49,505
"Meh, eh, eh, eh."
1327
00:55:49,588 --> 00:55:51,338
And then one time, you reach for a chip
1328
00:55:51,421 --> 00:55:54,130
and... something bites your dick, right?
1329
00:55:54,213 --> 00:55:55,630
[laughter]
1330
00:55:55,713 --> 00:55:59,463
And the next time you reach for the chips,
you're not gonna be like, "Eh..."
1331
00:55:59,546 --> 00:56:02,046
You're gonna be like,
"Oh, hold on, don't move the bag.
1332
00:56:02,130 --> 00:56:04,171
I'm coming in. Don't move the bag!"
1333
00:56:04,671 --> 00:56:05,505
It's different.
1334
00:56:05,963 --> 00:56:07,171
[laughter]
1335
00:56:08,338 --> 00:56:10,921
So, this eventually becomes a problem,
right?
1336
00:56:11,296 --> 00:56:13,505
And... my girlfriend's like,
"We gotta do something.
1337
00:56:13,588 --> 00:56:16,296
I don't like this.
Maybe I should go back on the pills."
1338
00:56:16,380 --> 00:56:18,130
"Hey, whatever you want to do
is fine with me.
1339
00:56:18,213 --> 00:56:20,463
It doesn't really feel like my place
to say, you know?"
1340
00:56:20,546 --> 00:56:23,046
And she's like, "Yeah, I know,
but I don't really like the pills."
1341
00:56:23,130 --> 00:56:24,130
I'm like, "Why not?"
1342
00:56:24,213 --> 00:56:26,588
She goes, "Ah, you know.
You get very cranky,
1343
00:56:26,671 --> 00:56:28,296
very moody, irritable.
1344
00:56:29,338 --> 00:56:30,713
But I guess I could do it."
1345
00:56:32,463 --> 00:56:33,588
And I was like, "What?
1346
00:56:33,671 --> 00:56:35,046
[laughter]
1347
00:56:35,630 --> 00:56:37,630
These are the two options?
1348
00:56:37,713 --> 00:56:39,005
[laughter]
1349
00:56:40,130 --> 00:56:42,255
Either I risk penal bruising,
1350
00:56:43,255 --> 00:56:47,463
or you just resign yourself
to becoming this shittier person?
1351
00:56:47,546 --> 00:56:48,588
[laughter]
1352
00:56:48,671 --> 00:56:50,380
There's got to be another way."
1353
00:56:51,463 --> 00:56:52,463
Sure enough...
1354
00:56:53,463 --> 00:56:58,296
she goes to the doctor, finds out
there's this brand new male IUD...
1355
00:56:59,296 --> 00:57:00,588
And I got one put in.
1356
00:57:00,880 --> 00:57:02,088
And now we're all good.
1357
00:57:03,046 --> 00:57:03,880
Yeah.
1358
00:57:04,380 --> 00:57:06,255
So, the way this thing works--
1359
00:57:06,338 --> 00:57:08,088
There is no male IUD!
1360
00:57:08,171 --> 00:57:10,546
-[laughter]
-Look how excited people got!
1361
00:57:10,630 --> 00:57:12,546
This lady in the front
just pulled out her phone,
1362
00:57:12,630 --> 00:57:14,880
"I'm calling to make an appointment
for my boyfriend.
1363
00:57:14,963 --> 00:57:15,838
[laughter]
1364
00:57:15,921 --> 00:57:17,755
What time do you open?
Uh, eight o'clock?
1365
00:57:17,838 --> 00:57:19,296
Yeah, he'll be there at 7:15.
1366
00:57:19,380 --> 00:57:20,630
[laughter]
1367
00:57:20,713 --> 00:57:22,588
Let's go ahead
and put two of those guys in there
1368
00:57:22,671 --> 00:57:24,796
in case one of them breaks down,
and, uh...
1369
00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:28,338
Please, tuck those strings in nicely,
I don't want anything poking my pussy.
1370
00:57:28,880 --> 00:57:31,713
Uh, his name? Uh, it's Dan Greenblatt.
That's right."
1371
00:57:31,796 --> 00:57:32,838
[laughter]
1372
00:57:32,921 --> 00:57:33,963
[applause]
1373
00:57:37,421 --> 00:57:38,546
Oh...
1374
00:57:40,130 --> 00:57:42,713
Dan, glad you came out tonight.
1375
00:57:42,796 --> 00:57:44,380
[laughter]
1376
00:57:44,713 --> 00:57:46,421
I'm glad you all came out tonight.
1377
00:57:46,921 --> 00:57:48,421
-[cheering]
-And... yeah.
1378
00:57:48,505 --> 00:57:50,005
[cheering and applause]
1379
00:57:54,921 --> 00:57:55,963
I really mean that.
1380
00:57:56,505 --> 00:57:58,713
I really am very grateful you came,
you know?
1381
00:57:58,796 --> 00:58:01,671
'Cause, you know,
I've done a lot of shows in my career.
1382
00:58:01,755 --> 00:58:03,755
At the end of the shows,
I'd always go,
1383
00:58:03,838 --> 00:58:05,588
"Good night. Thank you very much!"
1384
00:58:06,338 --> 00:58:07,463
But the truth is,
1385
00:58:08,171 --> 00:58:09,505
I never really meant it.
1386
00:58:09,588 --> 00:58:11,296
[laughter]
1387
00:58:11,380 --> 00:58:15,588
I was just saying that 'cause it's what
you say at the end of a show, right?
1388
00:58:15,880 --> 00:58:18,588
I mean, sure, I was grateful.
I'm not a dick.
1389
00:58:18,671 --> 00:58:21,338
But... I wasn't grateful enough.
1390
00:58:22,046 --> 00:58:25,546
I didn't really think about what it means
that all you guys came out.
1391
00:58:25,630 --> 00:58:29,088
But now, when I see you guys here,
it hits me in a different way.
1392
00:58:29,630 --> 00:58:32,796
I think about what it means
that all you guys,
1393
00:58:33,171 --> 00:58:34,380
you drove down here,
1394
00:58:34,838 --> 00:58:36,005
you waited in line.
1395
00:58:36,505 --> 00:58:38,005
And you did all of this stuff
1396
00:58:38,380 --> 00:58:41,796
just to hear me talk into a microphone
1397
00:58:42,338 --> 00:58:43,588
for, like, an hour or so.
1398
00:58:44,630 --> 00:58:46,671
And it means the world to me,
1399
00:58:47,338 --> 00:58:48,213
'cause...
1400
00:58:48,838 --> 00:58:50,088
I saw the world...
1401
00:58:51,671 --> 00:58:53,921
where I don't ever get to do this again.
1402
00:58:56,088 --> 00:58:56,921
And...
1403
00:58:58,338 --> 00:59:00,963
it almost felt like I'd died.
1404
00:59:03,130 --> 00:59:04,046
In a way...
1405
00:59:04,963 --> 00:59:05,796
I did.
1406
00:59:08,046 --> 00:59:12,088
That old Aziz who said,
"Oh, treat yo' self," whatever, he's dead.
1407
00:59:12,505 --> 00:59:14,005
[laughter]
1408
00:59:14,671 --> 00:59:15,630
But I'm glad...
1409
00:59:17,505 --> 00:59:18,421
'cause that guy...
1410
00:59:19,588 --> 00:59:21,046
was always looking forward...
1411
00:59:21,755 --> 00:59:23,005
to whatever was next.
1412
00:59:23,671 --> 00:59:25,130
"Oh, am I gonna do another tour?
1413
00:59:25,213 --> 00:59:27,588
Am I gonna do another season of the show?"
Blah, blah, blah.
1414
00:59:28,630 --> 00:59:30,255
I don't think that way anymore.
1415
00:59:33,171 --> 00:59:34,338
'Cause I've realized...
1416
00:59:36,671 --> 00:59:37,713
it's all ephemeral.
1417
00:59:39,255 --> 00:59:40,255
All that stuff...
1418
00:59:41,963 --> 00:59:43,130
it can just go away...
1419
00:59:44,171 --> 00:59:45,588
like this... [snaps fingers]
1420
00:59:47,921 --> 00:59:49,338
And all we really have...
1421
00:59:50,796 --> 00:59:52,130
is the moment we're in...
1422
00:59:53,213 --> 00:59:54,671
and the people we're with.
1423
00:59:55,880 --> 00:59:59,005
Now, I talked about my grandma earlier,
and it was sad.
1424
00:59:59,713 --> 01:00:02,671
But what I didn't tell you was
the whole time when I was with her,
1425
01:00:02,755 --> 01:00:06,838
she was smiling, she was laughing,
she was there with me.
1426
01:00:07,088 --> 01:00:08,463
She was present in a way
1427
01:00:08,796 --> 01:00:12,171
no other people I've been around recently
have been.
1428
01:00:12,838 --> 01:00:14,463
I've tried to take that with me.
1429
01:00:15,588 --> 01:00:17,005
And Granny, my grandma,
1430
01:00:18,005 --> 01:00:20,005
doesn't have much choice in this matter.
1431
01:00:21,088 --> 01:00:21,921
But I do.
1432
01:00:22,505 --> 01:00:24,588
And that's how I choose to live,
1433
01:00:25,088 --> 01:00:27,963
in the moment I'm in
with the people I'm with.
1434
01:00:28,755 --> 01:00:31,546
And right now, this is our moment, right?
1435
01:00:32,505 --> 01:00:35,630
Me, you guys, Dan...
1436
01:00:35,713 --> 01:00:37,755
[laughter]
1437
01:00:37,838 --> 01:00:40,255
Random lady that yelled, "Funny!"
1438
01:00:40,338 --> 01:00:42,046
[laughter]
1439
01:00:44,088 --> 01:00:46,088
Young Tyler who's scarred for life.
1440
01:00:46,171 --> 01:00:47,255
[laughter]
1441
01:00:49,505 --> 01:00:50,588
It's all of us.
1442
01:00:51,046 --> 01:00:53,713
And this is our moment right now.
So, you know what?
1443
01:00:54,880 --> 01:00:58,005
Why don't we all just take it in
for just a second?
1444
01:01:06,338 --> 01:01:07,255
An on that,
1445
01:01:07,838 --> 01:01:09,213
I'll say good night,
1446
01:01:09,421 --> 01:01:11,213
and thank you very, very much.
1447
01:01:11,296 --> 01:01:12,713
[cheering and applause]
1448
01:01:13,796 --> 01:01:15,171
["Pale Blue Eyes" plays]
1449
01:01:20,171 --> 01:01:21,046
Thank you.
1450
01:01:21,130 --> 01:01:23,755
♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪
1451
01:01:26,963 --> 01:01:28,838
♪ Sometimes I feel so sad ♪
1452
01:01:28,921 --> 01:01:30,463
Thank you very much, Brooklyn.
1453
01:01:30,921 --> 01:01:32,588
I hope to see you again sometime.
1454
01:01:32,796 --> 01:01:35,380
♪ Sometimes I feel so happy ♪
1455
01:01:36,880 --> 01:01:40,671
♪ But mostly you just make me mad ♪
1456
01:01:43,088 --> 01:01:46,546
♪ Baby, you just make me mad ♪
1457
01:01:50,630 --> 01:01:55,046
♪ Linger on ♪
1458
01:01:55,713 --> 01:01:58,671
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
1459
01:02:02,296 --> 01:02:06,963
♪ Linger on ♪
1460
01:02:07,421 --> 01:02:10,338
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
1461
01:02:16,546 --> 01:02:19,005
♪ Thought of you as my mountaintop ♪
1462
01:02:22,296 --> 01:02:24,755
♪ Thought of you as my peak ♪
1463
01:02:28,296 --> 01:02:30,880
Thought of you as everything
1464
01:02:33,005 --> 01:02:36,005
♪ I've had but couldn't keep ♪
1465
01:02:38,796 --> 01:02:41,755
♪ I've had but couldn't keep ♪
1466
01:02:46,171 --> 01:02:51,213
♪ Linger on ♪
1467
01:02:51,296 --> 01:02:54,255
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
1468
01:02:57,880 --> 01:03:02,671
♪ Linger on ♪
1469
01:03:02,838 --> 01:03:06,046
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
1470
01:03:11,130 --> 01:03:15,296
♪ If I could make the world as pure ♪
1471
01:03:16,921 --> 01:03:19,838
♪ And strange as what I see ♪
1472
01:03:22,796 --> 01:03:26,296
♪ I'd put you in the mirror ♪
1473
01:03:28,588 --> 01:03:31,630
♪ I put in front of me ♪
1474
01:03:34,421 --> 01:03:37,171
♪ I put in front of me ♪
1475
01:03:41,088 --> 01:03:43,963
♪ Skip a life completely ♪
1476
01:03:46,963 --> 01:03:49,338
♪ Stuff it in a cup ♪
1477
01:03:52,505 --> 01:03:56,380
♪ She said, "Money is like us in time ♪
1478
01:03:57,755 --> 01:04:00,588
♪ It lies but can't stand up" ♪
1479
01:04:03,838 --> 01:04:06,255
♪ Down for you is up ♪
1480
01:04:10,880 --> 01:04:15,213
♪ Linger on ♪
1481
01:04:15,880 --> 01:04:18,921
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
1482
01:04:22,505 --> 01:04:27,088
♪ Linger on ♪
1483
01:04:27,671 --> 01:04:30,671
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
1484
01:04:37,213 --> 01:04:42,088
♪ Linger on ♪
1485
01:04:42,338 --> 01:04:45,380
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪
1486
01:04:48,880 --> 01:04:53,755
♪ Linger on ♪
1487
01:04:54,046 --> 01:04:57,296
♪ Your pale blue eyes ♪