Prepare to be amazed. Fire away.
MISPLAYED PIANO Oh! Oh, right.
It's out of tune.
HALTING PIANO TUNE
This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Oh.
TUNE PAUSES Oh...
TUNE RESUMES, THEN GOES WRONG This is the hard bit. Oh, hello.
TUNE CONTINUES TO STRUGGLE
You've made all of it sound quite hard.
# In a perfect world... #
Argh! Ah!
Yes! How did you do that?!
Is this an adult programme? This is actual television.
Bring the corpse of Stephen Deathbeds.
Oh! Good one. Pop culture reference. Good one.
Ha! HE LAUGHS
Feels quite highbrow, this, doesn't it?
Does it ever. Yeah.
Oh! Oh! SHE LAUGHS
That'd be us when we've got a fag on the go.
Oh, lovely. Feel-good television with a heart.
Very clever. Clever, I like that.
Anyone that goes on this show thinks it's magic.
It's good, though, isn't it? Yeah. Passes the time.
Hey, you know what that makes that? What?
An 'Appy Monday! An 'Appy Monday!
Wahey!
In the week it didn't quite come home,
we enjoyed lots of great telly.
There were more Americans on The Floor,
showing off their expertise...
There's going to be 45 seconds on the clock.
Benedetta, you are the challenger.
The category is yoga.
What would be your chosen subjects?
Oh, that's a really good question.
I think my chosen subject would be...
..cruises.
You've got a selection, actually.
You could be cruises, Jane McDonald,
the Sugababes, um...
..Spice Girls, the Saturdays.
Who else do you like? I'm so butch, aren't I?
..we were all ears for Chris Packham on BBC Two...
From Earth's earliest moments,
evolution has quietly, relentlessly
shaped the story of life.
I am the product of years of evolution.
Yeah, but you're like the sort of...
..flat-nosed dog of the people world.
HE LAUGHS
Like, yeah, they're still surviving and they're around,
but everyone knows that, push came to shove,
they'd be the first to go.
..and there was drama in a barn on ITV1.
Yes, she told me.
Every single gritty detail.
Start. Middle. End.
Only we don't know how it ends yet, do we?
But, you know, when you're in a soap,
people think that you are the person you're playing.
Yeah, I'm sure. And when I was in Corrie,
I-I stole money from... BOTH:..Audrey.
Mm. People say, "Give her the money back, you shit!"
It's a testament to your acting, I suppose.
In Essex...
The end to a successful day.
Successful? Yes.
Why? What you been doing? Two dump trips today.
Oh, from the garage? Yeah. Got rid of a load of crap.
..the Buckleys.
But, yeah, I'm in and out. I'm like a ninja at the dump.
And also you know everybody. Yeah. Which is...
Chat to them, see how they're getting on.
They're like, "You know where...?"
I go, "I know where everything goes. Don't worry."
Oh, yeah. Didn't you get annoyed that there was a new guy once,
and he tried to explain to you how the...how the tip worked? Yeah.
I was going, "I've been here longer than you, mate. All right?
"You're new around these parts. I'm here every other week." Yeah.
You should stop buying so much crap that you need to throw it.
Well, I'm keeping the economy alive, mate.
It's people like me that keep a thriving economy.
APPLAUSE AND SHOW THEME TUNE
On Monday, there was more quizzing on our favourite Floor on ITV2.
Isn't this the world's easiest game show? Yeah.
You've just got to say what you see.
I'm not sure if I'm enjoying this show or not yet.
It's because I can't relax.
Would you ever be a team with me on a quiz show?
Um...
How many other people do we have in our team?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I like this show. It was good last week, weren't it?
I can't remember it, B. Do you not remember it? No.
In the programme, a couple of contestants
were ready to face another tricky round.
We're going to go Math. Let's go!
Math? Math?
Oh, this is going to be horrendous. Why?
Maths. Oh, here we go.
Oh, he's giving it the biggun. Let's have it!
They call it "math" rather than "maths".
I know. They do. They've got some funny ways. Yeah.
You know what they call it over here?
"Maths". They call it "maths". Yeah. Which is the weirdest thing.
"Mathssss". Yeah, well, there's a bunch of them.
It doesn't say... Yeah, but it just doesn't sound... "Mathssss".
Like, "I'm good at mathsss." "Mathsss."
But I got to say, the weird thing is,
after living over here for a while, you start to say shit like "maths".
This is... Oh, I can't even say it.
APPLAUSE
..multiplication.
Whoo!
I just know I have nothing in common with these people.
They just cheered for multiplication.
You must solve the equation you see.
Oh, you've got to solve equations.
Oh, this is a bit of a nightmare.
We're going to get found out here, Vern. I know.
Good job I've got my flip flops on - I can use my toes here.
2. 1 x 1 is... 1. ..1.
BOTH:What?
Oh, come on now. Jesus.
2. No, 1.
1... ..x 1 = 1
1.
I mean... I thought it was going to be 21 x 17. Yeah.
BOTH:4!
4. 4.
Oh, no. Is this for real? Yeah.
2 x 2 = 2
No, 4! 4!
SHE LAUGHS
Oh! 3 x 2. 1 x 3 = 3
2 x 3 = BOTH:6!
15.
8. 16. Oh, yeah.
12! 4 x 4 = 8
16.
16. 16, I mean.
THEY LAUGH Oh, God!
Come on! 36.
10! 25. Well...
25. Nice.
25.
41. 42. No, 49!
What did you say? BOTH:41!
41. 48.
49. I've not got enough fingers.
49.
Oh, one out.
22... Er, 42.
1 x 7 = 7 2 x 7 = 14
3 x 7 = 21 4 x 7...
Sound like you're at the auction!
"I'll take the cow!"
28.
12 x 2... 24. 24.
Come on. 12 x 2 = 24
BOTH:24. 24.
You're very good. You're good.
33. Oh, I like the 11 times table.
13. 0.
13.
0. 13.
0.
Oh, yeah! Oh!
13 x 0... Anything times by 0... What?
Anything times by 0 is 0. What?! Anything times by 0 is 0.
54. Oh!
54.
88. 88. BOTH:88.
It's our favourite. It's our favourite.
90.
8 x 11, Richie?
90. No? No.
I think it's 90.
88.
Oh, the nine times table... 45. ..also it's like this.
Bang! Out come the fingers. Duh. Five.
Duh, dah. 45.
Do you know that trick? No.
45.
57.
56. Oh, no, I can't do it any more.
56!
63. I can't do it.
9 x 7. So you count to the seventh finger - this guy.
Pop him down. Good. 63 is the answer.
Oh!
And that works all the way through? All the way through.
You're kidding me. You're sailing through.
4 x 2. 8. 2 x 4 = 8.
Oh, my God.
Shoot me in the face. Just give us something difficult.
14.
3 x 3 = 9
18.
This is... Is this an adult programme?
This is actual television.
Er...90... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Is that it? I think so.
It's a daft game, innit?
I think my IQ actually dropped
and, frankly, I can't afford to lose any numbers. Yeah.
Right. The only numbers I really count up to are eight
because of dance.
Five, six, seven, eight. We only start from five.
Count to eight, but start from five.
BOTH:A-five, six, seven, eight. A-one, two, three. Yeah.
A-five, six...
Although sometimes I've had to start, "One, two, three, four."
Have you? Because the dance move itself begins on five.
Do you never give them a five...? Oh, right.
You start on the five but you give them the one?
"Here we go. Four in, darling. A-one, two, three, four."
BOTH:"A-five, six, seven, eight." A-one.
In Cheshire...
Look at that. Happy to see me? That's just not a good look.
It's these bloody... You know they're my golf shorts.
Oh, is that what it is? My golf shorts.
It looks like I've got half a bar on permanently.
Do you want to hold hands?
..good mates Paddy and Vernon.
Push that. Put your finger on that. Not a chance.
No, honestly! I don't know what's inside.
Not a lot. That's what I'm saying. Don't go too fast,
but just slowly push it down till you get to ground zero.
THEY LAUGH
See what I mean? See what...?
Ow! You silly fucker!
On Sunday night, the railway stations of the nation
were treated to another batch of talented performers.
Ah, The Piano. Oh, lovely. Feel-good television with a heart.
Claudia Winkleman. She's a, er...
She's a real sort of a legend over here. Oh.
She's amazing. She's beloved.
Claudia Winkleman is beloved in the UK.
We love Claudia.
I like a good Winkleman from time to time.
Miks! Claud.I missed you.
Aww! I missed you, too.
Do you know who that is? Claudia Winkleman.
No, the other one. That is...
HE VAGUELY SINGS: Grace Kelly by Mika
# Blah, blah-blah-blah-blah Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah! #
That's him. Yeah.
I've missed putting a piano in the middle of a station
and seeing what happens. So lots of things are the same.
Is that the Winkleman right there? That's the Winkleman.
Look how fab her look is. Yeah, she does... She's so fab.
She, like, serves it.
It makes my eyes actually hurt
and I get headaches just looking at her fringe
and it being so near her eyes. Yeah. It really affects me, that.
I can't play any instruments. Flute.
I've never played the flute. Well, I have.
You've played the f...? Yeah, at school.
Do you mean recorder? Recorder, sorry. There you go.
Same, innit? No. Different.
We're beginning our piano journey across Britain
at the heart of the nation - Birmingham's New Street.
Look at that Bull. The Bullring. Ah, the Bullring. I guess.
Grace, I'm Claudia. Nice to meet you, Claudia.
Lovely to meet you, darling.
I met your mum and dad.
Have you ever played in front of this many people? No, never.
Oh, go on, Grace.
I'm a bit nervous,
but I feel like it would be good for my confidence.
Oh, come on, girl, you can do it.
Don't be nervous, Grace. Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous.
Just...take command. You know what?
Can I say, if you don't get nervous before a show, you ain't human.
Yeah, you're not human.
I live with my mum, my dad and my older brother, Tom,
and I have two cats, a parrot, and then I have a snake.
Oh, gosh, you wouldn't be happy about that snake, would you?
I think I'd like a parrot. I'd love a parrot.
I think animals are very good therapy.
I prefer them over people, actually.
Wow. Hang on. There's something going on with her.
What? Look at her hands.
Grace is very special.
Very special.
Well, she is.
She didn't have any fingers. Do you see that then?
When we go to the station,
it'll be 15 years to the day that Grace got meningitis.
Oh, my gosh.
So scary.
It's your worst fear, innit, for your kids? Kids, yeah.
We were told she's not going to make it through the night.
Oh, my gosh.
She was flatlined and nothing was happening.
Before she went into hospital, she always wanted a cat.
You used to tell her, "Grace, you can have that kitten.
"Just stay here, Grace. You can have one." And honestly,
with them words, it went, "Beep!"
Aawww!
No way!
You could see the sepsis, couldn't you? Yeah.
We knew she was going to lose her legs and her hands.
Oh, don't!
God, it looks so painful.
"I don't want them to take my legs, Daddy."Yeah.
Bless her little heart.
Oh, God, I can't.
Oh, dear. SNIFFLING
I had to have my legs amputated,
and then my fingers as well,
on both hands.
Oh...
God, that is a special girl.
Hard to explain that to a child, isn't it?
How does she play the piano?!
Get yourself comfy and then we can move it down, up,
whatever you fancy.
Maybe just a little bit more forward.
Go on, Grace! Jeez!
SHE PLAYS
Wow!
Oh, my God, that's incredible. She's incredible.
I mean this sincerely - I do not understand...
How?
..how she is doing what she is doing.
Oh, my goodness! Wow!
That's incredible.
What people perceive to be how it has to be,
can be done so differently.
Absolutely. She's breaking down barriers. Yeah.
I can see it...
..and I don't know how she's doing it.
Oh, my gosh.
She's unbelievable, isn't she? Incredible.
I mean, this is where you're like, the world is full of magic.
No matter what's going on in the world, it's out there.
I've never really had piano lessons.
Wow! I started just getting tutorials up on YouTube,
and I had to figure out what parts of my hands I could use
to get the notes that I needed.
So she's adapted it to fit her abilities.
To teach yourself that!
Have you ever learned anything from YouTube?
Skateboarding.
This song is the most challenging piece that I've learned to play.
I had to take bits out of it and change things around.
She has no choice but to reinterpret everything and make it hers.
Take things out of it and change things around.
Yeah, she's a proper musician, isn't she?
That word "can't". That's...that's not in her vocabulary.
That really isn't.
Isn't it amazing, like, human beings... Yeah.
..what we do and what we go through, and resilience?
CHEERING
Well done, her. Look at this girl.
She's staggering.
It's getting me a little teary!Aw!
I feel like the disability is a big part of me,
but I don't feel like it's who I am.
I'm just Grace.
It's just me. SHE LAUGHS
Cool.
What an inspiration she is, though. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, I do. Amazing.
What a special person.
Yes! CHEERING
Oh...!
HE WHISTLES, CHEERS
I got emotional watching that, I tell you.
Oh, my God, I feel so emotional.
I think we have a winner for this year's Piano!Yeah!
I've had a big weekend out and this is like,
no, I'm feeling... My emotions are running away with me. Emotional.
In North London...
I appealed against walking my motorbike across
a pedestrian-only area because I got lost.
You got done for that? I got done for it.
So I appealed and it's going... I'm going in front of the court
next week. Well, good luck with that, Nigel. Thank you.
..Julian and his good friend Nigel.
Cos it's all done by machines,
they don't take account of, you know, human error,
like some poor old codger getting lost.
No, and with the pouring rain...
It was actually after rehearsals, when we were doing the panto.
Really? Yeah. Dark. Cold. Miserable. I was lost.
Yes. They closed all the bridges
and there was no-one in the vicinity.
No pedestrians. Mm.
I've got a legitimate case.
Do you want me to come and sit in the public gallery
and say, "Free Nigel"?
No.
On Monday night, there was more drama in the Dales on ITV.
No, I've got a bit of a soft spot for Emmerdale. Have you. Yeah.
You know... Makes two of us.
Emmerdale! Come on! I didn't know it was still on.
What?! Do you watch it?No.
My dad used to love it when it was Emmerdale Farm,
because there was lots about Jack Sugden having a problem with a ewe.
MUSIC: Emmerdale Theme by Tony Hatch
So long since I've seen any Emmerdale.
Oh, I did a ballet to this music.
Did you? Yeah. It was called... I called it the Emmerdale Ballet.
It was full of chasse pas de bourree...
..and lots of Grand Ronde de Jambe.
Oh, I love it. Oh, yes, darling!
Oh, sweep the arms! Join me, join me. Oh.. And open.
Here she is! And then we went over, like this. Over!
And then up onto point! Oh! Point! Oh, my God!
There you are. You've been hiding from me.
I've been trying to get in contact with you. Is your phone off?
This is Mack, and the man he's talking to, Ross,
has had a one-night stand with his wife and got her pregnant. Oh!
From a one-night stand! Oh, wow!
I need you to help me with something up at the farm. Two-man job.
Two-man job.
Just him and me, in a bar. Yeah.
It'll just be a favour.
I'm sure you owe me for something.
Oh! Oh, he means business. He's planning something.
You can tell that he knows. He knows. He knows, but he doesn't
know that he knows. Yeah.
Well, you know, obviously me and you have had our things
in the past, but we're all good now, right?
Why wouldn't we be?
HE LAUGHS
"Why wouldn't we be?!" With the eyes as wide...
"Why wouldn't we be?! I'm fine!"
THEY LAUGH
"Why? have you got...You got a problem?
"Is there something YOU want to tell ME? Is there?!"
SHE LAUGHS
"Then we're all just great!
"Let's pop off to a secluded part of the farm together,
"just me and you, shall we?"
It's funny, what you said at the cafe.
Because when you first got back here,
I really couldn't stand you.
"I thought you were a twat.
"Ah, good times." SHE LAUGHS
Friendship? What does that mean to you?
It means "bang your wife", is what it means.
Are we really doing this?
Look, Ross knows. Ross knows.
They were friends. This is about to go horrible. Yeah.
I'm not playing your game anymore.
It kind of sounds like you need to get something off your chest.
So, whatever it is, mate, I'm all ears.
That's not a friendly way to say "mate".
"Whatever it is, MATE!"
Is this how heterosexual men talk to each other?
Yes, we do it all the time.Mate! Mate.
It was a one-time thing. It was stupid. It didn't mean anything.
Oh! That is the worst thing you could say. Yeah.
Is Mack then just going to come back with,
"Oh, and what might that one-time thing be?"
Mm. Yeah, 100%, he is.
What didn't mean anything?
There we go. There we go.
Stop pretending like you don't know.
Or do you need me to say it out loud?
Mm. Oh, both standing up, means something. Confronting him!Yeah.
I slept with Charity, and I could not be any more sorry.
Ho-ho! He said it!
Oh, no... That's a nice thing to say.
It didn't mean anything. "Look, I just..." Just one of those things.
NIGEL LAUGHS
We've all been there!
I hate myself. Nobody hates me, right now, more than I hate myself.
Really?
No, I think HE does. THEY LAUGH
You lie to Sarah and Jacob. They're holding their baby.
You're telling them how much it's grown. It's YOUR baby, Ross!
What am I supposed to do, eh?!
Quite. What's he supposed to do? If you had slept with my husband,
I wouldn't carry on like this.
What would you do? I'd say, "How was it for you?"
You're sort of rewriting history here,
because when it happened, we weren't friends. We were far from it.
Why has he gone up there?!
See that timber framing there? That is...
Nice bit of timber, that, innit?
Nice bit of... That is brand-spanking-new, that. Yeah.
And yet we are. How messed up is that?
You stand up. Maybe we should do it while we chat. What?
Just, like...? Get up higher. Shall I go up here?
Yeah. Go up there.
Anyway, you all right, Clare? THEY LAUGH
Steph had just dumped me, and I was all over the show.
So I got wasted, and...it didn't matter who she was.
How is he saying that to him?
Oh, have they gone up high so one can throw the other off?
Oh, yes, of course! Classic.
I know you don't want to hear that,
but I was single and I did not go looking for it. But she did?!
Well, it takes two to tango, doesn't it? Ooh! It does.
She was up for it. And who could blame her?
Well, she'd had a few bevvies.
And you can't be too picky in the countryside. No, you can't be.
She's the married woman.
She's the one who cheated, Mack, not me! Oh, hello! It's all kicked off.
Charity, your wife!
And I think deep down, you know I'm telling the truth!
BOTH:Oh! Fight, fight, fight!
Oh, he's getting thrown off! Oh, no!
He's getting thrown off! He's going down. He's going over!
GRUNTING
Look at this.Just rolling around in the muck together.
Are THEY going to have sex now? What is this tension
that I'm feeling here? That's what I'm gathering.
What a merry dance they dance!
Oh, they're doing the cha-cha-cha! Oh, it's a ten from me, boys!
SHE LAUGHS
HE LAUGHS
Oh, God. Here we go. Here we go. Off the top.
Off the top. He's going off the top!
GROANING
0oh!Oh! Oh, my goodness!
Oh, that was... What is that?
Fell in a bunch of manure. That's because this is shit!
HE GROANS
Why did they finish it there?!
Gosh, who is it, though?
Looked like a soft landing, to be fair.Soft landing, yeah.
Some grain feed, or whatever it is.
Oh, is it Ross? Is it Mack?
The real question - who gives a fuck?Innit?!
THEY LAUGH
In north London...
There's a bit football competition at the moment.
And one of our own's in the team.
I know. Jude Bellingham. Where's he from? Near Stourbridge.
..Ellie and her good friend Richie.
Does he speak like us? Yeah, proper. I love that.
Proper... Cos he plays in Madrid now,
and obviously, he's played in Dortmund. Has he lost his accent?
No. I don't think we do. I think it's one of those parts
of the country where you do not lose the accent.
If anything, it gets broader.
I haven't really lived back home now since I was 19.
But you still sound a Brummie, don't you? Still as common as muck.
It just doesn't leave you, the accent.
I love the accent. Our accent's the best in the country. Yeah.
And Jude Bellingham's got that accent. So he's proudly a Brummie.
He's one of us.
On Saturday night, a Pointless man had crossed the pond on Channel 5.
I like Alexander Armstrong. Do you? Why?
He's kind of funny and charming
and a bit posh. Ohh.
I have got a type, haven't I? You do have a type.
Alexander Armstrong In America.
A pairing we never knew we needed or wanted, but let's see.
In the programme, Zander was in the Utah desert to meet
a fella called Brian.
Zander! Good to see you. Welcome to the desert.
Pretty striking landscape, huh?
Zander's tooled up.
He's got a lot of equipment around his little waist.
He has. I wonder what he's gonna do.
Brian is a real mountain man
and he's keen to offer me an experience that combines
extreme danger with deep mental wellness.
He's not gonna do, like, a Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible 2,
is he? He might. It's Armstrong.
Tell me what I am actually doing?
Well, we have ropes 600ft long. Yeah.
He doesn't look very rugged in that outfit, does he, Alexander?
What's he got on?!
Who goes to the mountains with a shirt and a tank top on?
Alexander Armstrong. Ohh.
You're not dressed for this, pal. He's a gentleman abroad.
Come here and get your first glimpse of the cliff and the good view.
No, thank you! Absolutely not.
He's gotta go down there? Down that wire? Ooh!
Yes, he wants me to jump off this cliff.
Listen how he's saying that.
BOTH:He wants me to jump off this cliff.
And I say I might exactly do it.
Did he say this is a wellness thing?
Yeah. I would not feel very well if I was doing this.
It doesn't feel very healthy. No.
Feels good? Yeah. Make sure the boys are in the same room.
Boys are all in the same room?!
SHE LAUGHS
That's a man thing.
See this crack in front of you? Yep. You're gonna run
in that direction. Yep.
Oh, has he gotta run and jump?
Run off? Yeah, I think he has. Fuck off!
ALEXANDER EXHALES
The jump is in your hands.
This is horrible.
There is no way I could do this.
Why is he not thinking about his life?
I would be debating everything.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY
He looks terrified. Yeah. Fuck that. Honestly, fuck that.
Here we go. Come on.
He's about to jump off a cliff dressed as an accountant.
He's gotta put his library card down, tighten up that sweater vest.
BOTH:Put the boys in the same room.
And go for it.
Speed, speed, speed... Ohh! Yeah!
THEY SHRIEK
Oh, my God!
He didn't really commit to it. No, he wasn't really feeling it.
Help!
Very cool. Beautifully done.
But did you see how sheepishly he ran?
It wasn't a very good run.
No. I mean, it had no intent behind it. No, no.
I'd want a bit more gusto in the run.
Yeah. The run was pathetic.
OK. Hang out right there. OK. Take some deep breaths for me.
He's like, "Get me out of here."
"Get me out of this fucking harness!"
But think of that adrenaline dump he has right now.
He's probably on cloud nine. Yeah.
He's gonna have a good day. Good for you.
I will file that in a very special part of my memory banks.
And, yeah, I can be dipping into that for just...
..add little piquance to my nightmares.
Wait, wait, what did he say?
Add piquance to his nightmares - is that what he said?
"Piquance to my nightmares"? Who says, "Piquance to my nightmares?!"
Piquance to my nightmares!
Come here, Brian.
Ohh...
It's an emotional moment.
That's a trauma bond. He's just thrilled to be back on land.
"Yes, tremendous.
"I shall remember that when I wake up screaming at night in terror
"for the next 30 years."
In east London...
I love to vacuum.
How did you discover...? It's just so cool, that look at it all
and then it's gone.
..good mates Jake and Josh.
It feels so good. I just read today that some guy got arrested
for public indecency with a vacuum.
Wow. I didn't click on it but I wanted to.
Well, you know... I didn't have time. Whole thing about vacuums
is that they suck. They do.
And I think he was... I think he was... Testing one out?
He was giving one a little... Black & Decker pecker wrecker? Yeah.
On Monday, Chris Packham took us back to where it all began
on the BBC.
Do you know what? I do believe in dinosaurs... You believe in them?!
Yes. Some people don't.
Some people like, "No, it was Jesus. He came 2,000 years ago
"and then that's that."
I believe in dinosaurs. OK.
I think they were all big birds.
But they...
Yeah, that is what leading scientists are suggesting, yeah.
Really? Yeah. I've just seen a few TikToks about it
and I thought, "You're onto summat, you."
Do you ever think about where we came from, Nigel? Not really, no.
The history of evolution?
I love history and I've been reading a whole trilogy
called The Cicero Trilogy about Rome.
Have you dropped off? Sorry, I just faded out there, Nigel.
Talking of evolution,
you know that bony bit at the bottom of my back? Yeah.
Just above me pants. I think that's where my tail dropped off.
I think it dropped off later on me that on most people.
What, like recent? Have a feel.
Have a feel there. Have you got that bone? Ohh! No.
It's my tail!
I think you've still got one.
I don't think about where we came from.
I think about what I'm having for my dinner.
I think about where we're going next.
Yeah. And I know what you're going to say now. What?
Switzerland?
So where does our story begin?
Come on, then.
Go on, tell us, Chris. Come on. Put us out of our misery.
They may be the world's largest land mammals,
they may be beautiful,
but brutally biologically speaking,
this is just a giant mass of cells.
Of cells? Ohh.
That's not as exciting as we thought it was gonna be.
Cells? What does he mean?
Aren't we all?
I know. And also, they're right there.
Look at the size of their ears. They can hear you, Chris!
Cells are the fundamental building blocks,
not just of elephants but of all life today.
Yes. See, all the same, and we're all made out of the same shit,
atoms and, you know... Sod. ..stardust.
So, where did those cells come from?
God. Meteor.
God. Meteor!
A common ancestor that lived billions of years ago.
Right. Is he definitely walking at the side of them?
Yeah, it's not a green screen.
The cell that started everything.
Oh, we're going to go to the first cell.
So every living thing on the planet originated from one cell?
The elephant's improbable journey before mammals.
Before dinosaurs stomped about.
He's going way back. He is.
Yeah, like the big bang. Big bang. Hydrogen.
I bet Tony Blackburn was still DJ-ing, though!
BOTH LAUGH
Ooh, we're really going back.
4.2? Billion years ago.
Ohh! Oh, I didn't see that part.
Trillions of tiny primitive cells battle the elements.
But how does he know?
Huh? How does HE know?
I dunno. Ask him.
No-one knows, do they? Dunno!
Almost all will perish.
They're perishing, Nigel. The cells are perishing. Ohh!
Unbelievable, innit?
I don't know what he's showing us here, do you? No.
But one cell is different.
Yeah. It's the freak one.
But one survives. Oh, my God, like in Nemo.
The one egg was there and it was Nemo.
That's quite crazy when you think about it. Yeah.
Within this tiny speck
lies the future of all living things.
Ohh! This is exciting. That's the fella.
It's a speck with a name.
Meet Luca...
Luca? Huh? Luca. Luca?
..the ultimate survivor.
Luca? How do we know its name?
Who called it Luca? Bleeding Luca?
I bet it wasn't called Luca billions of years ago.
Luca? I've got a grandson called Luca. Yeah.
The great-great-great times a billion grandparent of you
and every other living thing on Earth.
I love this. Wow!
Oh. We all come from that one cell.
Amazing, isn't it? It is, really, if you can be bothered with it.
Luca stands for Last Universal Common Ancestor.
Yeah, one cell worked and survived and multiplied and then...
..then... Turned into elephants.
Elephants and...Take That.
And...piranhas.
And badgers.
Hmm.
Just to name but a few. Yeah.
In north London...
How are you feeling now?
Are you getting up a lot earlier? Yeah.
What, for Breakfast? Yeah.
What time are you getting up?
I know everyone asks you that. Getting up at 5:00,
out the door at 5:30. Mm!
..best mates Sara and Clare.
I just put loads of make-up on, and then I hope,
like, a couple of hours later, when the guests come in,
I'm less like aunt Sally and look more like J-Lo.
Settled in. Ideally, yeah - and it's settled in.
It's going good, though.
Nice, though, it's summer, isn't it?
You're getting up and the... Yeah.
Be different in winter, won't it?
It'll be very different in February. Thanks for pointing that out. Yeah.
On Monday night, we buckled up
for another adrenaline-filled ride on Channel Five.
Time to catch some road scum.
Some baddies.
Have you ever been in a high speed pursuit?
Well, yeah, once, you know... Yeah.
Who hasn't? Who hasn't?
What's the sexiest emergency service?
Well, my dad, my uncle... Oh...! Whoa!
No, let me finish! Let me finish! Mental place to take it!
My father was a policeman.
Was he? Of course he was. Yeah.
A nice policeman, but he used to plant drugs on me.
A silver Audi A3 that failed to stop
for Warwickshire cops a few days ago...
BOTH: Warwickshire. Yeah. That's not far from us.
..has hit one of Northamptonshire's ANPR cameras.
OK, we're in Northamptonshire. Of course. Hello.
So, got away from Warwickshire police, and now in Northamptonshire.
Where's Warwickshire? I've no idea where they are
in relation to... Where's Northamptonshire?
I just know this person's on tour! Right! Whoo!
You can't just go shire-hopping. No.
"Shire" you can.
POLICE SIRENS
The team's heading to the north of the county to intercept.
Here they go. Come on, boys.
An ARV already has the Audi in its crosshairs.
Oh, he's a bad 'un. Look at that.
They're going to follow him.
OFFICER: Approaching, now, traffic lights.
Put your foot on it. Go on, sunshine.
It's quite dangerous, isn't it, this?
You fail to stop, then you've got to put your foot down.
You could end up in all sorts of trouble, couldn't you?
You could, Nigel - and perhaps that will be the outcome.
We just don't know at this stage.
The light's on red as the smoking Audi approaches at over 80.
He's going over 80! It's over 80!
Is he going to stop for the light's?
Straight through red ATS.
He's done the red light. Whoa!
Oh! Gee. I thought he was gonna get crashed into, then. Yeah.
Crashy-crash, then.
So I think, now, if you're running red lights at that speed,
this is now a critical situation.
Big time, big time. Let's finish this.
Vehicle moves to lane three of three.
Oh, making me feel sick.
Oh, good. Slight oversteer.
Smoky's shambolic driving...
That'd be us when we got a fag on the go.
It's smoky and shambolic.
On t' school run.
You, not me. No, sorry.
Not one, not one, not two, not two.
Oh, my God! He's going down the...
What's it called? The grass! The grass!
Look at that! Bold. Oh, that is good.
..as he heads back onto the dual carriageway.
Back on the A14.
There's no escape. Or is there?
An innocent Merc driver enters TPAC territory.
Travelling westbound.
Oh, he's cut him off! Oh, eh, lovely!
Vigilante! Lovely! Vigilante. Lovely, in the Merc.
Imagine pulling over to let the police pass
and then some Muppet comes up on your inside.
He seems to think this is a game of Mario Kart...
Oh... Good one. Pop culture reference. Good one.
Did he just throw something? Did he just throw something?
He's throwing stuff.
Oh, no. He just threw a can. Oh!
Take that Lilt!
It literally is like Mario Kart. Pop a little banana skin out.
Oh! Whoa! Jesus, what a knobhead.
That is dangerous. Bloody idiot.
I find it quite erotic.
Do you? I'd like to meet this driver. Would you?
..but his brush with the barrier has taken its toll.
Oh... Oh, his car's knackered.
It's game over for Mario.
Oh... Oh, yeah!
There we go. Yeah. He was actually called Mario.
Oh! Oh! He's stopping at nothing.
Contact with his vehicle. Stand by.
No, he doesn't! No, he doesn't, Paddy! Oh, he's trying.
He's having it! He's trying it. They've done him.
He's not going anywhere now.
Brilliant. Oh, my goodness. Brilliant.
Oh, he's not giving up.
He'll get out of the car and run now.
The front passenger is pulled out.
Oh, there's a passenger in there!
..but the driver jumps in the back and won't play ball.
He's in the back! "Not getting out!"
50,000 volts should bring him on side.
Oh, wow.
50,000 volts? 50,000 volts. Is he tasering him? Yeah.
SCREAMS:You're tasering me!
"You're tasering me!" "You're tasering me!"
I've never been tased. Have you ever been tased?
No, but, you know, I'm here to learn.
Get your hands behind your back!
Get your hands behind your back, now!
He's still fighting them.
I mean, really, give it up now.
Look at that. Oh, look at his haircut.
That's the new haircut, isn't it?
Please...! No point saying please now, is there?
Fucking please?
You've just caused mayhem, you bell.
Not so tough now, are you? Yeah!
It's like talking to a toddler.
"Please!" "There's no point in saying please now."
Attention turns to the passenger.
Who's this passenger? Is it a girl?
I only met him yesterday on Tinder.
Oh...!
"I only met him yesterday on Tinder!"
You swiped the wrong dude.
A first date? Yeah!
Like, not bad for excitement.
Like... It feels like the first time we hung out, frankly. Yeah!
Where it's like, "Are you up for a bit of excitement, or no?"
No action was taken against the passenger.
And they're now happily married!
If she wants a second date, it'll have to be in prison...
Oh-ho! Oh, look at you!
"If she wants a second date, it'll have to be in prison."
Brilliant.
..as he receives 60 weeks behind bars.
Wow. Wow.
Did he? God.
Imagine when her mate says, after,
like, "How was your date with that lad?"
"Well..."
"Are you seeing him again?" "Not for two years."
"Why?" "Well, he's in prison..." Complicated. Yeah!
You know what? I like that.
A bit of excitement on a Monday night. Monday night excitement.
You know what that makes that? What? A happy Monday.
Happy Monday! Yeah! A happy Monday!
In south London...
I know it's the height of summer
and the weather's been beautifully sunny... Mm.
..but you do look like you're going to go for a game of cricket.
THEY LAUGH
..Mollie and her fiance Stuart.
I was - I was actually more thinking
that maybe I looked like I was in like a '90s boyband
about to stand up out of my chair and sing Flying Without Wings -
which, again, I wouldn't turn down.
Which would be your preference?
Onstage, Flying Without Wings...
..open the bowling at Lord's?
What a question! Um...
Because you're dressed for both!
ONLY CONNECT THEME MUSIC
On Monday night, there were wall-to-wall boffins on BBC Two.
This is an absurdly difficult quiz.
What is it called? Only Connect.
You know what we are?
Twats. No, we're...
No, we watch a lot of telly, don't we, mate?
We do watch a lot of telly.
You could almost call us experts.
Well, yeah.
VIOLIN PLAYS
Ooh! Oh, I like the high pitched one. Get your chin right. Oh, yeah.
Imagine hitting that note.
It feels quite highbrow, this, doesn't it?
Does it ever. Yeah.
This is like a smarty pants show. OK, all right. Here we go.
Don't expect this to give you any confidence
at all with your quizzing, Clare. SHE SIGHS
On my right, Charlie Brookfield,
a consultant microbiologist who got married in a zoo...
Got married in a zoo?!
Getting married in a zoo, though.
Imagine that. Where did she get married?
In the monkey enclosure? In the monkey enclosure!
Brought together by microbiology,
they are Culture Club.
Very clever. Clever name. Yeah. Clever, I like that.
Oh! Culture. You see what they did there?
I see what they did. Clever.
On my left, Omer Elchanan, a resident doctor...
Doctor.
Oh! I wonder what his bedside manner's like. Mm.
..who collects rubber ducks.
Oh, he's a rubber duck doctor.
We've got rubber ducks.
We do, Clair. We do.
..and their captain, Eleanor Stiles,
a business analyst who once fell in the Danube.
Once fell in the Danube!
Classic!
You just imagine them getting - the researcher,
getting these little quips. Little nuggets. Yeah.
"Have you fallen in any rivers, by any chance?"
The Lion, please.Lion.
These are picture clues.
What do they have in common? Here's the first.
Picture clues! We like a picture clue.
Right, don't panic. Here we go.
Drumsticks.
Drumsticks! Yeah.
Drumsticks. Chopsticks. Oh... That's a drumstick.
Fruit salad.
BOTH:Drumsticks, fruit salad...
Oh...! Them sweets! Drumstick, fruits...
What are they called, them sweets?
Fruit salad is a sweet,
and drumsticks is a sweet. Yes!
Next.
What's that?
A buffalo's eye?
Bull's-eye. Bull's-eye, it's a lollipop!
Yeah. It's a lolly, so it is sweets.
They are all sweets.
Yes! Yes!
Well done, B.
Sweets?
Do you have any idea what they're talking about?
Not a fucking clue.
Back to you, Culture Club,
for the last question, the Two Reeds.
What would come forth in this sequence?
I'm going to need a sports round here.
Sheek.
Sheek. Kebab.
I think we need to see the next one, please.
Sheek. Seeik.
Religion. Food.
They're all people.
Seeik... They're all people. Sheek...
A Sheikh, a Sikh...
Can we have the next, please?
All words with two Es and a K at the end.
All I'm thinking is Shrek's coming next.
I've got no idea.
I can't see it being in the letters...
Something to do with the Es. Mark my words. OK.
I'm sure it's something to do with letters,
because you change out the H for the I
and change out the I for the D...
Hide...and seek. Seek. Hide and seek.
You were looking at the word "seek" containing the word "hide".
Containing what? The word what?
I have a new new-found... new-found respect!
At last, after 23 years! Darling...!
Hide in seek?
It's hide AND seek, isn't it? Hide and seek.
I... I don't know. Hide and seek. I honestly... Hide and seek.
Hide AND seek.
Now, in round four, the missing vowels round.
Missing vowels.
This is where I come into my own, Nigel. I can't wait to see it.
The first group of connected and disguised clues
are all musical acts and their nicknames.
Oh.
And nicknames. Nicknames.
What?
That lesbian...
Oh... That lesbian!
The... The Beatles... The Beatles and... ..and the Fab Four.
..and the Fab Four. Well done.
Culture Club. The Beatles and the Fab Four.Yes, it is.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God! Jesus! Come on.
Bring the Corpse of Stephen Deathbeds.
Er, Br... Bruce Springsteen.
Yes!
The Boss - Bruce Springsteen, The Boss.
Makeweights. Bruce Springsteen and The Boss.Yes, it is.
Yes! Brilliant.
I was gonna say Bruce Springsteen. Of course you were. I was.
Jane... That is John...
John and Edward. Jedward. Final answer.
Jennifer Lopez and J.Lo.
Jennifer Lopez DJing. Er... Jennifer...
Jennifer Lopez. Er...
Makeweights. Jennifer Lopez and J.Lo.Yes, it is.
Oh... Oh, for God's sake, you were so close.
Yes! How did you know that?!
Next group, things which revolve or rotate.
What? What? Is this still vowel shit, this?
Nigel's bedroom door.
Er, vinyl record.
Oh, vinyl record. Vinyl record! Good job!
VINYL RECORD!
Culture club.
Vinyl record.Yes, it is.
Did I shout, there? Sorry!
I'm figuring out that I'm quite good at this.
That child...
That child shouldn't run... Who?
That child is racist.
That child's head in The Exorcist.
You know, that child's head in The Exorcist!
You know! You know!
You can't do that. That child's head in The Exorcist?
It's on at six o'clock, this. Yeah.
That's not a real thing.
It doesn't matter... The child's head...
Yeah, but it's one of the most famous
rotating things I've ever seen.
Next group, spring sporting events.
Come on, we've got this. Come on!
Grand National. Oh! Good shout, Vern.
Grand National.
Oh! We're on fire! Oh, my God!
World... World wrestling championships.
World. World...
Snooker... No. No. Snooker, yeah.
Snooker... Championships. Championships!
World... World... World darts... World...
World dishm...
It's so hard to try and... Fuck! ..think when you're here.
World Snooker Championship. Yes, it is.
Snooker! Oh.
I... The World Snooker championship?
I wish I was intelligent. Imagine if we was intelligent.
Oh, if we was intelligent...!
..we'd be less dangerous.
Do you reckon?!
# In a perfect world
# Singing, ooh
# In a perfect world
# In a perfect, perfect world. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media