What have we got behind us here, Luke? What have we got?
What haven't we got probably? So, what, are these for...?
Premier League nightly wins. Is that from this year?
Probably this year or last year.
Yeah. How many did you get, five this year? Phwoar, yeah.
Five, and you get a nice bonus as well, don't you,
for winning the night? Ooh...
We can all do the maths, Luke. What's that, five times...?
You're doing all right.
Nice. Some nice family photos.
But you can do all this and you can't pass your driving theory.
This programme contains strong language, adult content and scenes of nudity
This is what we've tuned in for.
Munya, look at this! I can't!
Oh!
THEY LAUGH
It's pretty racy telly, isn't it?
Oh. Oh!
What?!
Oh, no! Oh, this is awful!
Crying?
HE LAUGHS
Oh.Oh!
Oh, I'm happy. Yeah. That makes me happy.
This is a bit you.My people.
Fist bump me! Wahey!Wahey!
We've all got an undercarriage.
We don't... Grow up!
In the summer of 2025, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
Singletons were full of hope
as they looked for love abroad on Discovery Plus.
People probably say I'm a people pleaser.
I like to say yes, not no.
And I have like a resting happy face.
A resting happy face.
I think that would annoy me quite quick if someone was like this.
Yeah, you... You're one of those people
that frown upon people's happiness.
No, I don't!
You are. Like, that's such an amazing trait to have.
And you're like, oh,
you dumped someone because they're happy. Happy.
The hardest working man in pop was on his travels on ITV.
I'm Gary Barlow from Take That.
There's a big audience out there and we're ready.
And we're on a huge world tour.
I saw Jason Orange every day
and I've got to tell you this, the truth, no-one sees him
and everyone's looking for him on Reddit.
This is true. And he did like a Traitors...
When he recognised...
When he realised I'd recognised him, I was in Muswell Hill.
This is God's honest truth.
I was like, "That's Jason Orange." And he went like this...
What? He hid? ..with his hood and sort of smiled and scurried off.
And then I googled it and no-one knows where he is.
What did you Google? "Where's Jason Orange?"
"Jason Orange. What's he been up to?
"Does he live in Muswell Hill?"
And the bed hopping began on ITV2.
Is everyone happy now in their new couples?
I don't even feel like I need to say too much, like.
I am glad, though, that I'm not in the dating game any more.
And to be clear, I never was.
How did you meet your missus?
Well, I did the classic move of working with her for a year.
OK. Player!
He got game.
In Essex...
They're lovely crisps, them. I like them.
They're Kettle Chips.
The Kettle ones. They're nice.
They cook 'em in a kettle.
..Rylan and his mum Linda.
So you know like your kettle,
for example, you could slice up potato...
Right, this ain't a wind-up? I'm telling you now, Mum,
you slice... That's why they're called Kettle Chips!
Oh, I'm going to try, then.
You slice up potato, put it in... Yeah. ..and...
You're winding me up, aren't you?
Oh, was that your bad arm? Sorry.
Do you know what... It was only when you said, "I'm going to try it,"
I thought, "You better ... not."
You'll burn the house down.
In June, it was time to find out
how clever some famous faces were on ITV.
I'm actually getting a little bit hot now, thinking about the fact
we're going to have to try and answer this question,
and I think you're going to get it, and I'm not,
because The 1% Club is not my comfort zone.
How would you say your general knowledge is?
Not good.
No. I'll be honest, that was the answer I was expecting. Yep.
And you got the right answer.
You just have no general knowledge.
Cos you don't watch the news.
I do watch the news. Do you? Yeah.
I always swipe through the, like, little side...
I don't mean the news on your phone!
I mean on the TV. Yeah, I watch you!
Do you? When Mum puts it on.
HE SCOFFS
Tonight, our contestants are all professional footballers
and celebrities who support Soccer Aid.
Why haven't they asked me to play in Soccer Aid?
Oh, I hate it when they do celebrity versions of stuff.
It's never as good as just the normal one.
I normally do quite all right on this.
You're good at any quiz, you are.
It's time for our first question.
All right, get ready, lock in. I'm going to lock in. Lock in.
90%, this is always easy. This is like, "What day is it?"
Ooh, I like Jill Scott. I do.
Easily the ear.
Earring, B. Yeah. Earring, B.
Wait, the eye. No, it's not the eye.
No, the earring. What, doesn't match? Doesn't match.
No, I think there's an extra wrinkle there and there shouldn't be.
But then it... No, cos of her mouth...
Oh, my God. I think her eye is OK. The mouth isn't.
I think it's the eyebrow.
No, it's B. It's A.
It's B!
Nobody should get this wrong.
We can't be out first one.
See that's the thing as well,
they always make it easy for celebrities
cos yous are all thick.
I've even forgot what we did.
Yeah, we was naming...
B, did we do? Yeah, yeah.
BOTH:One out?!
Right, we lost one of you.
LAUGHTER AND JEERING
He's a referee. Is he? Yeah.
It's true what they say about referees, boy.
# You don't know what you're doing! #
He's the ref that's always on Sky,
that stands by the wrong decisions,
so I'm glad he's out.
It's B cos the earring is different on Jill's ear.
Woo! We got it, right, B. Yes, indeed.
90% of the country got that right
and you and the ref got it wrong.
Let's move on to the 35% question.
Oh, 35, right. Oh, no. Get on your game.
This is going to be hard.
Ooh, trickier. Ooh.
Which Premier League football team is this rhyming code for?
Nest jam.
It's not West Ham, is it?
Ah! He's on it. He's on it. Is it?! It's West Ham!
West Ham.
Why is it West Ham? "Nest jam."
Bird's nest. Jam jar. Yeah?
Bird's nest. Jam jar.
Come on.
Tottenham.
Nest pot. Tottenham, Totten-jam. No, it's a rhyming.
Yes, bro, Tottenjam.
Premier League football - West Ham... Nest, nest.
West Ham, Liverpool...
I don't know all the teams. ..Arsenal, Brentford...
Nest jam, nest jam. No, don't say, "Nest jam."
You've said "nest jam" 17 times now - it's not helping!
West Ham! West Ham!
What?
Neston Villa.
Erm, no idea.
Nest jam. Nest jam.
Nest jam. West jam.
Nest... West Ham!
I can't believe you actually got that right.
That's fucking unbelievable. Mm.
I'm not going to lie, that was very quick from me.
I'm quite proud of that. Nest jam!
Yeah, if you say it quick and...
"Oh, oh, oh, nest jam!"
I don't know their chant, but...
Yeah, you've never been to a football game.
"Ooh, ooh, ooh, West Ham!"
It's time for the 30% question.
Come on, Perri, head in the game.
30% question.
What does that even mean?
Oh, no.
Eh?! How am I supposed to know hieroglyphics?
I used to know them. I used to learn them.
I used to have a hieroglyphics bookmark on papyrus.
What? They've got to be Roman letters or summat.
Snake. Eye. Bird. Wave.
Whale. Comb. Eye. Foot. Wings.
Right, let me concentrate!
Oh, uh...
It's Fran Kirby, I think.
I think one of us has to just gamble.
You have to go summat and I'll go summat.
Otherwise, we're both out.
A, Mary Earps.
I'm going to go Fran Kirby.
It's Fran Kirby!
Because the second letter of the first name
and the third letter of the last name
are the same in Fran and Kirby.
Makes no sense at all. Absolutely not.
I think I'm using a pass. I'll definitely use my pass.
Let's see who got it right.
Everyone's going to be out.
This is going to separate the wheat from the chaff,
I'll tell you that for nowt.
Oh, they're just ticking them off.
Well, and me.
No, cos we used a pass.
It's Fran Kirby. The only symbol that is repeated represents
the second letter of the first name
and the third letter of the second name.
Mm!
Well, you need to go on there.
Does that mean I'm most clever now? Oh, no.
Absolutely not. You took a guess and I took a guess.
Strategically, we've played for each other there
cos we took a punt each.
After whittling down the sports stars and celebrities
here in the studio, we are left with the 1% question.
This is it. Right, Deels. Come on.
# Three lions... # Mum, please don't.
# They've seen it all before
# They just know, they're so sure... #
Is it it? It. It!
It! It!
It! It! It!
So it and know.
No. Argh! It and know.
England's gonna throw...blow it away.
But no. So know. Is it know? I don't know.
Oh, this game's stressing me out!
Three knows. It's know and it. Know and it.
Yeah, there's three knows... Know and it.
It and know.
That's what I said.
I said know, did I? Yeah. You said know.
Know and it.
Yeah!
It's literally the greatest moment of my life.
Oh... Why haven't they asked you on this?
I can't believe it.
And they all thought I was dopey. Yeah.
But why did we get it right?
Cos you're fucking intelligent.
You're answering things right, and you just do it automatically.
Yeah. Yeah. Without thought.
As soon as you start thinking... I do everything without thought.
I mean, there's nothing worse
than fucking thinking, is there? Yeah. Yeah.
In Brighton...
I like your socks, Joe.
They're, um... They're tartan.
Where are they from? Scotland.
..friends Roisin and Joe.
They're not from Scotland.
I get all my socks in Scotland. You don't get all your socks...!
I do, I get my socks... Where are your...?
I get my socks from Scotland, my trousers from Wales
and my top and my underwear from England.
And Ireland I get... I accessorise.
I accessorise from Ireland. OK.
Socks from Scotland, trousers from Wales,
tops and underwear from England.
I don't care about the rest of your clothes. OK.
I only cared about the socks. The rest of your clothes are boring.
The socks add some pizzazz.
Do you want to know where I got my luggage? No. Mainland Europe.
In July, there was some transatlantic dating
on Discovery Plus.
Hey, Clare, you're single. Would you let me matchmake you? No.
What do you mean, "No"? Who would you put me with?
Would you not trust me? I don't know.
I once went on a date when I lived in Paris with a French girl.
Woohoo! Oh, la-la! So...
I might be able to bring some expertise to this.
I've got a friend who's married to someone who lives abroad,
and he quite likes it because he's got to come back here for work,
so he gets to be away from her quite a lot.
That sounds like a good relationship! Oh, yeah. Rock solid.
I'm Victoria.
Hi, Victoria.
I like her already. I love her.
In a few hours, I'm headed to the airport, going to Ireland.
Ireland! You do like Irish accents. I love an Irish accent.
I mean, I do love a ginger.
"I love a ginger!" I love a ginger, that's why I'm going to Ireland.
I love some freckles. They drink a lot.
I mean, she has just stereotyped a whole nation there. Yeah.
She's going to Ireland because she thinks they drink a lot,
they're ginger, and they have freckles.
Sorry?
She calls herself an equal opportunity dater.
This is the matchmaker. But what it actually means is
that she is desperate to date anyone.
Flipping hell! All right! "She's desperate to date anyone."
I want to see your wishlist.
Oh, a wishlist. Here we go.
Right, let's find out what she wants.
So, what have we got here? OK. Full head of hair.
LAUGHS
Full head of hair, good. No bald people. Right.
Cos I feel like I'm, like, spontaneous. And I want someone
with, like, a dark side.
BOTH: A dark side. "Yeah, I'm really into goths."
Yeah, "Or evil villains."
Yeah, "Preferably stroking a cat on a spinning chair."
Tattoos... Do, like, drugs on the spur of the moment.
Did she say drugs? Did she say drugs?
"You know, just someone who could do drugs on the spur of the moment."
I thought she said that. What the fuck?
Someone, like, wild. Like, maybe they've been arrested.
LAUGHS
"Been in prison." She wants an absolute rogue.
Normally you say, "I quite like bad boys, but I shouldn't."
She got really excited. Like, "I need him to have been arrested.
"I need a few tattoos, preferably on the neck."
"I really love a mug shot."
Today is my first official date.
Katarina has picked an oyster farm for our date spot.
An oyster farm? A bit obvious. An oyster farm with a bad boy.
So, the match I have for Victoria is Dave.
Dave. Dave. Dave. Dave.
Dave. The dangerous Dave. Dangerous Dave. Oh, watch out!
Let's see if an Irish bad boy is the kind of guy Victoria needs.
Irish bad boy. Come on, where's Dave at?
HORN TOOTS
LAUGHS
Fricking hell.
LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHAT
Why does he sound like the cross-Channel ferry?
MIMICS HORN
Hey. How are you? Good, how are you? Very good. Nice to meet you.
He looks like a nice boy.
No, he looks quite nice, doesn't he?
So, just there.
Ah! There you go.
Oh, God. Don't give dangerous Dave a hose.
LAUGHS Can I blast myself with it?
"Can I blast myself with it?"
Whoa!
THEY LAUGH
He's mad! He's mad, he's fucking mad!
That was kind of sore, actually.
Course it was. You just jet washed your face, Dave.
LAUGHING:Probably got a black eye!
MUMBLING: "Yeah, quite sore actually."
Victoria seems like she's up for good fun
and I really liked that about her, I appreciated that, so, like,
I wouldn't mind, like, sleeping with her.
LAUGHS
Davie is unbelievable!
That is definitely an aphrodisiac. I am getting so excited.
I'm feeling randy now. What about you?
You sweet-talking bastard.
Imagine in broad daylight, without a drink,
without even a bit of flirting, someone just goes,
"I've got the horn for you."
"Uh, just to let you know, I have an erection.
"Um, I've had four oysters and, uh, I'm as hard as a tank."
Let me try some... Like, the green sauce.
How's that? Oh, that's a good... Is that enough?
He's put too much on there.
This is gonna be another Dave wild moment, isn't it?
Mm!
Oh, wow! Yeah. COUGHS
LAUGHS
Well, that's taken the horn out of him.
Speaking of spice, let's put some in my eye.
Please do it. Please do it. Please do it. Please do it!
What are you doing? No!
No! The fuck?! No, no, no!
Oh-ho!
Oh! Ah! Ah!
LAUGHS
"Argh!"
LAUGHING:Imagine being on a date and someone does that!
Oh, my eye!
Ah! Ah!
He's an absolute fucking lunatic.
For her next date... Uh-huh? ..great icebreaker.
Like, to be able to go, "What's your worst first date?"
No-one would believe her. Yeah, that's true.
"A guy turned up with a train horn
"that told me he was horny and then poured Tabasco in his eyes."
Yeah. "And sprayed himself in the face with a high-pressured hose."
In Manchester...
Do you know what? In all my time,
I've never been on a parents WhatsApp group.
How good is that? For school. That's terrible!
Friends Mark and Kelly...
Oh, they're funny though. They're not.
They are. I was clap rep one year. Class rep one year.
Class rep?
What did you have to do to be class rep?
I don't know, but I put a lot of gifs on my WhatsApp.
You'd have hated me.
You just put gifts on your WhatsApps all the time.
You'd have hated me.
I would put little things out going, "Morning, everyone."
Leave. Leave.
"Mark Chapman has left the group."
In the summer, we were taken on
another big boating adventure with this.
Quick, hurry up. What?
Cos we're gonna miss Canal Boat Diaries
if you don't change the channel.
Have you been on a canal boat? Yeah, bruv. Slept on one.
Really? Horrible experience.
I'm Robbie Cumming.
That's me.
Hello. That's him.
I've watched this before. I love him.
You know what? I think Robbie has now become one of my heroes.
And this is my narrow boat home, the Naughty Lass.
The Naughty Lass. Hello!
I like that. I like that name. The Naughty Lass. Double entendre.
Come on. Come on. I learned that word recently, you know.
What? Really? I've been waiting to use it, boy.
Lovely start to the morning.
He just had his hands in the Naughty Lass's gearbox then.
Can you show that on the telly?
This time, I'm tackling the Basingstoke Canal.
The Basingstoke Canal.
Don't want to throw shade at anyone here -
doesn't sound amazing.
Do you reckon by lock three it's a bit boring?
I think it's... Like, the first one's quite fun. Second one,
you get the end of it, and then you're like, "Ugh, this again."
Novelty's worn off. Yeah.
This trip is likely to be a bit of a challenge for me.
Go on.
The Basingstoke Canal is notorious for weed...
Basingstoke Canal's notorious for weed.
It always was. Yeah, it always was.
Always was, mate.
Weed? What, weed weed?
Oh!
..getting caught on the propeller.
Oh, no. Weeds! Oh, weeds. I thought you meant weed. No.
Although it's somewhere I'm really looking forward to exploring,
there is a side of me that's thinking,
"Can I actually make it to the end?" I don't know.
Oh, shit. Oh, God. There's the jeopardy.
Robbie, don't be mad. Turn back! It's the Basingstoke Canal!
As soon as I enter it, there's a massive raft of weeds.
Oh! He's got to get through those weeds.
Yeah. And we know the Basingstoke Canal is notorious for them, Denise.
HE SIGHS Here we go.
I love it. Go on.
Thankfully, that weed wasn't a worry.
Oh, thank God for that, Robbie.
I'm so happy for you. Phew!
Right, another early morning,
and I just need to make myself some breakfast before I set off.
Oh, what's he going to have?
This is going to be interesting.
What's he got?
Looking at my supplies here of my home-made muesli...
That needs to be topped up.
Oh, there's nothing like watching someone make their own muesli.
I'll tell you what, mate, that's it. Life in the fast lane.
Add some more oats,
some seeds, dried fruit.
That's not breakfast. No.
And I usually put in some kind of naughty sugary cereal,
so I've got some hoops.
Hang on. He's chucked some Cheerios in there!
That's not healthy. No!
This is the most wholesome but boring man I've ever met.
"And, guys, no-one say anything, but, er, Frosted Shreddies."
Whoa!
Oh, I feel sorry for him now. Why? I don't know.
Look at him. Look at his little hat.
That's so patronising. "Look at his little hat"?!
Just coming into Fleet.
Oh, he's coming into Fleet now.
Oh!
I've just seen possibly the lowest bridge that I've ever come across.
Oh! Oh, no!
HE LAUGHS This is the highlight of his day.
This is hilarious.
That's going to be tricky.
I bet it gets stuck. I bet the boat gets stuck.
Well, if it does, it will liven it the fuck up. Yeah.
SCRAPE AND CLANG
Oh!
No! Robbie!
I think there might have been some breakage.
Oh, shit.
He's going to be stuck. This is what we've tuned in for.
The boat is basically wedged underneath this bridge.
Why did he go that far in?
I don't know what I'm going to do.
And they thought the weed was going to be the problem.
Common sense. Like, why did he not think,
"Oh, I'm not getting under there"?
Take all the stuff off before...
He's used all his energies on knocking up his own muesli. Yeah.
Going to have to call my friend Jamie.
He lives locally with his family, and he helped me the other day,
so I'm hoping he can help me again.
Unless he's fucking Superman or something,
what do you want? Imagine turning up to that going,
"What the fuck? What do you want me to do?
"Why have you called me?"
"Well, cos you're a mate and I know you live local."
You know, "I work in an office."
He came down, jumped on the front of the boat, adding a bit more weight.
He don't weigh owt! Does he?
That gave us just enough room with Jamie on the front
to get the boat underneath the bridge.
Wow.
And he's through.
Oh, thank God. That was real... That was touch-and-go then.
Thanks for rescuing me.
Thanks, Jamie. See you.
Is this actually a show? Yeah, yeah.
I'll be honest with you, he's not done a good job of showing you
how good life could be on a little narrow boat.
No, what he has done is show you what it's really like.
No. He has. You need to eat food out of boxes.
You get stuck under bridges. You know the way television works.
It was all X Factor-ed and made to look more interesting
than what it was.
That was MORE interesting? Yes.
In Essex...
I tell you what shocks me to this day, I can't get over it.
Do you know how much a pack of dishwater tablets are?
I don't know why they're pricing them there.
You need a small mortgage...
LAUGHS
..for dishwasher tablets.
..best mates Jordan and Perri.
Oh, if I take them home and I've got to rip the packet open... Yeah?
..fuming. Fuming because it's not a little pot that pops, yeah?
But even when you rip the packet open, I find it all the time,
it's like putting my hand...
If you put your hand in it, a lot of them are burst.
All the time... Maybe I'm too rough.
No, you're heavy-handed. I am quite heavy-handed.
None of them have burst.
I like doing and then doing whoo!
OK, I think you need to... You need to grow up a bit, man. Really? Yeah.
That's how you turn the dishwasher on?
I think you need to live a little. Next time...
Next time you put your hand in that packet,
I'm telling you, do that. "Wwweeeeerrrr!" Yeah.
Is that it?
Yeah, but it's better without the eye contact.
Back in June, Weatherfield's finest were on the warpath again on ITV.
I done sommat in Coronation Street I could never tell anyone.
I went to a party there once.
I won't let you know what happened, but...
What, you mean on set? On the set?
In the back of the Rovers.
Coronation Street. All right.
The funniest of the soaps, am I wrong?
What's the concept?
Is it one street? Is it like Sesame Street?
It's just the area, isn't it? It's not...
Big Bird's gonna make it a... My favourite - Mr Snuffleupagus.
Snuffleupagus. I like Oscar.
In the episode, we dropped into Roy's Rolls
and a tense standoff between Lou and Maria.
Do you want something? Mum!
Me and my family are decent people,
I'd prefer if you kept your distance.
Wow! Oh, no.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
That's a bold opener, isn't it?
I mean... "You scumbag."
Just stay out of my business and I'll stay out of yours.
BOTH: Ohhhhhhh!
Judgy! Judgy! Judgy!
That's what you're like. Judgy, judgy!
Oh, dear.
Something wrong?
Oh, I don't know. I just...
I guess I just feel like I'm trying so hard to fit in around here
and no-one wants to know me.
Well, no-one wants to know Lou
because her old fella killed the cop.
Killed Craigy. Did he? Yeah.
Her husband's been done for murder, and she's just trying to fit in now.
Well, I think everybody's still very angry with that husband of yours.
So who's...
"I just think everybody's a bit miffed with your husband
"for killing that police officer.
"He's a cheeky bugger, isn't he?"
David was supposed to take this to the bank,
but I haven't seen hide nor hair of him.
She's not daft. Did you see her eyes light up
when Audrey was doing the till? Yeah.
I can take it if you like.
No, no, it's all right. Thank you.
Uh, Shona can give it to him and give him a kick up the backside.
Spinning a lot of plates here, Audrey, isn't she?
Yeah, she's... This is her in the scene.
Hold on. Hold on. What do you want?
"No, you take it." "No, no, you take it."
"No. You." "No."
"Which one of you will take it?"
A bit later, and everyone had popped round to David Platt's
for a barbecue.
..said it was a deal breaker.
Why's David so iconic?
This is the fella that's just won... Big Brother!
And cop a load of that.
I saw that last time I came.
Huh? What is it?
Oh, David loves his new table, does he?
All right, everyone, nibbles.
No, not on there!
Seriously, don't...don't put them on there.
Come on.
So it's four? Massive chat about a table.
I was gonna say,
what are they all just talking about the one-piece table.
Yes. Big topic in the household. That must have been a local tree.
All right. Barry Keoghan's got the same one, apparently.
No. He has.
Who's Barry Keoghan? Barry Keoghan.
The actor Barry Keoghan.
Is he called Kee-an? From Saltburn.
David. Huh?
Here, what do you want me to do with this?
What is it? It's cash from the salon.
BOTH: Oh!
She's got her eye on that cash from the salon again, Lou.
Plotting and scheming.
It's like a front for a heroin business or something.
Audrey'd be right on it, wouldn't she? Yeah.
Shine up the coffee table. She is as well.
She's seen that coffee table. She's gone,
"Is that Barry Keoghan's one?"
Oh, She's nicking the cash.
Mm-mm.
Don't do it. Don't do it! No!
She's put it back.Put it back.
Good choice.
I knew it.
Oh!
"Oh! How dare you?"
I was just looking... Yeah, I know
exactly what you were doing, you thieving cow.
Oh! Thieving cow. See, that's what I'd have called her too.
I was looking for a brown envelope.
I brought my own brown envelope with me.
Saw a brown envelope there. I thought,
'Oh, is that my brown envelope?
'No, that's the one with all the money in.'
Yeah, that's got the money. I don't want that one.
My one's the one without the money in it.
Yeah. Which is um...
So if you do see that, let me know.
Anyway, love this coffee table.
I know you're up to summat. Wind your neck in...
You're going nowhere.
What are you doing? Get off of me. Maria.
"You're going nowhere.
"You're gonna sit on that coffee table, love."
They're going to smash the table. David's gonna be livid.
Don't fight near the table.
Shut up, Captain Know-it-all.
Right. I think we're gonna have to send out for pizza.
I wouldn't even give that to David the dog.
GLASS SHATTERS
No. What was that? The table!
Barry Keoghan's coffee table.
Oh.
No...
LAUGHS
What was that smash? You know what it was, David.
It's your coffee table, mate.
Oh, my arm is killing me.
Are you joking?
BOTH:You're joking. You're joking.
That was Barry Keoghan's one.
I didn't fall, I'm not drunk. She pushed me.
GASPS
Oh.
Come on. Who's standing on what side?
She was rummaging through that bag, yeah.
And I said to her, "What are you playing at?"
She said, "Nothing."
So I said, "Right, OK, show me your pockets then."
She did.
Look at them all standing round there like it's fucking Cluedo.
I like how she's explaining everything
and, um, poor old David's there,
just looking at his table.
Just looking through. Just picking up the bits.
You know, if you don't believe me, just look in Shona's bag.
Oh.
Money's still here.
Still, she's guilty.
But it's not all there, though, is it? Is it not?
Why is there a painting of Jim Broadbent behind her?
Oh, yeah.
Do you reckon that was a real table they used, or was it a stunt table?
I hope not.
It's going to keep me up tonight.
I'm not going to stop thinking about that coffee table. Sorry.
In London...
Shall we compare helmets?
Cos you've got a Vespa here, I've got a bike.
Wow, yours is very pink and shiny.
..mates Munya and Jamie.
I'm aerodynamic, yeah?
Look at the... You look like a professional.
Look at the point on that, yeah?
I'm a professional cyclist when I do this. It is unbelievable.
Stay like that. Do you know how you can tell if it's good?
Stay like that, don't move, don't move.
This is how you can tell. Ready?
Look at the arch,
the arch is crazy.
I'm bringing some water.
Now I can't move. Now do the legs, do the legs.
No, cos it's going to spill on me. It's not. You just trapped me.
You've trapped me in some sort of weird, twisted Saw challenge.
If I cycle real slowly... OK, go on, pedal.
Look at that... I'm pedalling, I'm just going up a hill.
Pedal. I am pedalling, bro. Pedal.
In the summer, Gary Barlow was enjoying some culinary delights
down under on ITV.
I'm into my wine at the minute, aren't I?
Yeah, you have really got into wine. Oh, I love it.
Every time I ring you, it's like,
"Yeah, I'm just enjoying a bottle of red." And I'm like...
He's aged better, actually.
He looks much better now than when he was first in Take That.
Yeah. Really? Yeah.
Men do seem to age well. Don't we?
Generally.
Most men. Oh...
He had a good lockdown, didn't he, Barlow?
What do you mean?
What did he do in lockdown? He played his piano a lot online.
Did he? Yeah.
Sounds someone was watching him a lot on lockdown.
You couldn't stop him. Could not watch him.
GARY SIGHS
I'm hundreds of miles from the nearest city.
Alice Springs. We've been there. Yeah.
But I'm not quite as alone as I look.
Oh, he's got company. Who is it?
Because unless I'm hallucinating...
It's Ronan!
..I'd swear that was Ronan Keating coming towards me.
What's he doing there? It's boyband heaven.
Gary! Yes. Yes.
What are the chances?
I hate things like this on programmes like this, because...
It's not a surprise, Gary. You knew. It's not a surprise.
Production have told you.
They've told you. Ronan Keating has not walked there,
across Australia.
Don't you bring me to all the nice places?
Look at this.
Sworn enemies up until ten minutes ago.
That's the truth.
I've got another surprise for Ronan.
And he should like this one.
They're actually very similar, aren't they? Yes, they are.
They're slowly turning into the same person, aren't they?
I think that's what Gary Barlow show's about.
He just slowly turns everyone into Gary Barlow. Yeah.
We try our hands at creating a sound that's become synonymous
with Australia's Indigenous culture.
Beattie, I sense a didgeridoo will be upon...
Oh! The didgeridoo. It's going to be the didgeridoo.
So we've come to a sand dune for a didgeridoo masterclass...
I'd love to have a go on one of them. I think quite hard.
I don't know, there's no buttons, is there?
..to learn all about the rhythms of this ancient, mystical instrument.
Are they not allowed one? They've got to play the sticks.
They can only afford one.
Do you know what I really, really wanted to see today
is Gary Barlow and Ronan Keating banging sticks together.
You said that before we started this. I did, yeah.
Love that sound of the didgeridoo.
Absolutely, you can't not love that sound. Yeah.
All day with that buzzing around your nut, eh?
That'll twist your melon. Yeah.
Where you breathe is on the "ch" and on the "doo".
Huh? What did he say?
So, tuwacki, tuwacki.
Go on, try that. Tuwacki, tuwacki.
So tuwacki, I leap out of the water going tuwacki, tuwacki.
I come up to the part I'm going to breathe and go, "Tu."
He's like the worst teacher in the whole world.
I haven't got a single clue what he's talking about.
Here, here. Mouth, didge, two forces meeting.
Oh, shut up.
Can I just say, it's a didgeridoo.
All you've got to do is just blow. Yes.
Hum at the back of your throat and just go, "Didgeri."
Didgeri.Didgeri.
Didgeridoo!
Fucking Dalek.
SHE BURBLES
Didgeridoo!That's it, that's it.
Didgeridoo!Love it.
Ronan's involved now. I think he might be winding them up.
I think it is. I feel like Ant and Dec are going
to come out in a second. Ahhhh!
Been in the earpiece the whole time.
Listen.
LOW NOTE That's the didgeri.
That's the didgeri. Didgeri.
Where's the doo?
Then the doo. LOW NOTE
Not massively different.
Put them together.
HE PLAYS A TUNE
He literally is just saying "didgeridoo".
Didgeridoo, didgeridoo, didgeridoo, didgeridoo, didgeridoo, didgeridoo,
didgeridoo, didgeridoo.
What was the thing I need to do?
Oh, no. He's not going to have a go, is he?
That's it. Do that.
WHEEZING NOTE
THEY LAUGH
Excuse me.
Thanks, mate.
And with that, we're both back where we started -
on the rhythm section.
Gary didn't have a go.
Why isn't Gary going to have a go?
Doesn't want to make an idiot of himself. Oh, OK.
HE PLAYS TUNE
Is this really... I feel like I'm hallucinating.
What would you rather have played? Maracas or didgeridoo?
The maracas are easy, but I play both equally as bad.
In North London...
Want a crisp? No.
Trying not to eat crisps.
Why not? I'm just trying to, you know, keep it real.
..Stephen and his sister Anita.
I did the marathon, and then what happens is
you stop running and you just eat for six months.
So I'm going to try not to do that.
Oh, I see, so you're trying not to eat or...?
Well, I'm trying not to eat rubbish. I see. Yeah.
Cos you think you can eat anything when you're running that much,
and then you stop running
and then you carry on eating that much.
I love the way you've just got that in there,
cos I've just done the marathon.
I just like to drop that in to every occasion.
Excuse me. Do you know that I just ran the marathon a few weeks ago?
Hello? He's not listening.
356 and 22 seconds.
Oh, my God.
In June, ITV livened up our morning with more of this.
Wakey-wakey, mate. Fucking This Morning's on.
Coming, B!
Let's see how they manage to fill a few hours of television.
Geez. Come on, bruv.
This is something called morning TV.
Yeah. You know, while you're asleep...
Yeah. ..other people are making television.
Yeah. You've never watched this, have you?
Cos you've literally never been awake. Yeah.
Not just any old Fish Friday today.
No. It's officially...
O-fish-ially. Get it?
..National Fish And Chip Day.
"National Fish And Chip Day"?
"National Fish And Chip Day"? OK. Wow.
Do you like fish and chips? I do, I love fish and chips.
I like fish, chips, loads of salt and vinegar,
and curry sauce to dip in.
Oh, you're so northern.
To celebrate, we've got the potato queen herself, Poppy O'Toole.
Oh, I like Poppy the potato...
She cooks potatoes in lots of different ways.
Poppy is amazing. She's incredible.
I've seen this girls do things with potatoes that are inhuman.
What's your favourite way to have a potato? Go.
Dauphinoise.
You fancy fucker!
So, we've got the mega fish and chip butty but...
Oh, my goodness. ..all of the components are quite flashy.
Ooh, look at that. Ah, yah.
I would murder that. Oh, man.
That's not a fish butty, mate, that's a banquet.
And I'm all for it.
10.30 or not, mate, I'm in there.
So, we're starting off with a vodka and tonic battered fish. What? Yes.
Vodka? Vodka in the batter? Oh, she's my sort... I like her.
Yeah, a vodka tonic batter. Yeah.
Just when it couldn't get any better. You would love that.
Vodka, fish and chips, my worlds are colliding.
What's your favourite fish to have as fish and chips?
Are you a cod girl? Haddock?
Cod. It's got to be cod.
This is journalism. This is good.
I'm haddock. I am haddock.
They all taste the same when they're in batter.
I'd have a remote control thrown in a deep fat fryer.
What's your favourite fish? Haddock.
Is it? Yeah. What's yours?
Haddock as well, actually. Well, that's...
Good chat.
If you go to a fish and chip shop, what's your normal order?
What about a pickled egg?
I don't mind a pickled egg.
I love a pickled egg.
What are you?
Ooh, chips and a battered sausage.
Oh, you love your sausage. I do.
And a bit of curry sauce to dip it in.
SHE GIGGLES You...
SHE GIGGLES
I've got another question. Really?
What do you drink with fish and chips?
Dandelion and burdock.
Yes!
Water. You drink water? Yeah, cos there's enough going on.
Also, you know,
I like to make fish feel at home.
Yeah, I go lemonade or a cup of tea. Oh!
Cup of tea?
Nah. Nah.
Get Phil back. Get Phil back.
Cos he wouldn't drink tea.
No. He wouldn't. Get Phil back on.
Really? A cup of tea? I love a cup of tea.
You know what's nice with fish and chips? A Malbec.
A Malbec with fish and chips?
Is that wine?
Well, I think it's... You don't fucking drink wine,
Malbec wine, with fish and chips.
Unless you're an alcoholic.
Well, unless you're a twat.
Very nice. What do you drink at home?
Just send that into us so that we know.
Let them know, Kelly. Let them know.
Who's messaging This Morning to tell them
what drink they have with a chippy tea? Fucking hell.
More people than you think.
"Oh, hang on one second, I'm just going to message This Morning."
"I must let Alison and Dermot know."
"I have a glass of water." Send.
Some of your lovely goujons with your vodka tonic.
How are we get to get our mouth round this?
Well. Well... Thank you. I'm glad someone said it, Alison.
That's too big for my mouth.
Yeah, you can't open your mouth very wide so that's not going in.
Can't do it.
Guys, I cannot eat that sandwich. Look at the size of that.
That is a big sandwich. Go on. Go on!
I would be like, "You've got to go to break,
"cos things are about to get real freaky with this sandwich."
Honestly.
You would not want to cut back to me.
You'd come back from break and I'd be on the sofa going...
In Birmingham...
Do you know what I've got? What? What you got?
It's been so hot recently... It has.
..I've got these at home that I use. What's that? They're fans, look.
..Alison, her son Aidan and her sister Saundra.
Oh, you put them round your neck? But this one...
That's huge. Look at the size of it.
Yeah, but look, it twists. It's really good. Look.
You can have it anywhere. At night, when you can't sleep... Yeah?
..turn it on... Feel that.
You can have one up there and then... I need that.
Where's the other one? ..just lie back...
Well, wherever you want it!
Over the summer, Channel 4 turned up the heat
with another toe-curling trip to the Open House.
What are we watching now? Sex!
Come on. I'm so excited for this. Sexy time. Come on!
It's basically loads of up-for-it people who go to a house and bang.
Nice house. It's a great house. If you're gonna have sex in a house...
Go there. ..do it in that one. Yeah.
Where are you with sex? Well... Do you like it?
I think I'm rather splendid at it, in my own opinion.
It's brief but it's enjoyable. That's all you need.
Heading to the retreat are married couple -
hairdresser Tanya
and window cleaner Ashley, from Leeds.
OK. All right.
Classic - window cleaner.
A window cleaner! Oh!
JENNIFER CHUCKLES
Tanya brought up the idea of an open relationship
and letting other women join us, which was a bit of a shock at first.
I didn't know if it was a trap.
He's like, "Tread carefully, boy!"
He's like, "I would never do that!"
Yeah. "I couldn't.
"I mean, if it's gonna make you happy..."
Tanya and Ashley have been having sex with other people
for five years.
Oh... I say, how do they get in?!
Have you got underwear that looks like that? Is that underwear?
I think so. OK. I have a lot of ribbons. I could probably make that
out of my arts and crafts drawer.
So we're coming in to venture off our own separate ways
to have sex separately from each other.
Oh, right. So now, having done everything together,
now it's doing it apart.
It's so dangerous, this game, isn't it?
I would be so nervous right now. Would you? Yeah.
Obviously, there's always a worry about rejection,
but I'm hoping that that doesn't actually happen.
Tanya finds someone and she goes off and I sit in a room clock-watching,
waiting for her to come back, would be pretty horrible.
Oh, no! Oh, he's struggling. I feel sorry for him already.
I'm worried he's gonna be sat there with a word search
and a cup of cocoa while she's off having...you know?
The time of her life. Yeah.
Are you going?
Have fun.See you soon. See you soon.
Oh. God! Are you going? Go on!
Go on, off you go. Go on! Ohh... Let Mummy have some fun.
This is gonna work out quite badly, I think. Right.
See you back here in half an hour. Yeah. Or not. Or not.
I'm Olivia. It's lovely to meet you.
Is Tanya, like, your comfort blanket? Yep. Yeah?
It's not very sexy, though, is it? The nervousness. No.
It's relatable and I'm definitely that person,
but if you're looking to go upstairs to the west wing and get banged,
you're not going to be looking to him, are you? No.
My husband's in there and I'm like, "Where is he?"
Oh, so her husband's in there and talking to his wife. Right.
Is this you asking me back? Potentially.
Yeah? I'm interested. I'm definitely interested.
You're not going to reject me? I'm not gonna reject you, no.
Cos if you do, honestly, I'll hunt you down.
Aw, look at him. Look.
I want to go and give Ashley a hug.
That may be misinterpreted within that environment. In the context...
See you soon.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! "See you soon"?! I couldn't...
Listen, each to their own, but he clearly ain't into this. No.
You all right? Yeah, I'm good. How are you? I'm good.
It's gone really quiet. I know.
Aw, she's sweet. She's sweet.
So this is the bloke's wife. Oh.
Plot twist. Mmm.
This prosecco's nice.
That was his chat. Prosecco's nice.
I wondered if you wanted to go spend a bit more time together.
Yeah, I would like to get to know you more. That's good to hear.
Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, this is tragic.Come on, Ash. Come on, Ash, do the best.
I'm taking my shoes off. Yeah, take your shoes off.
Let's get comfortable.
Mummy, there's cameras. Mummy, there's cameras everywhere!
Are we gonna...? We're not. We're not. Are we...? We're not.
Are they gonna...?
Do you wanna have fun? We can go to the yurt, if the yurt's available.
The yurt? Ohh!
What is a yurt? I think it's like...
I thought it was where you milked goats.
Oh, it's nice.
Oh, it's a nice yurt. Mmm... It's the sort of glamping I do.
You've got, like, Peter Stringfellow's bedroom
or we've gone camping.
You awkward? Yeah.
Oh... Oh, Ash. It's unbearable. I can't bear this.
SHE GASPS
Meanwhile...
Oh, no, it's a bit near the mark now, innit?
No...
What?! Ohh! BEN LAUGHS
No-o-o!
Whoa!
She's twerking.
Where's our guy? Ash, come on, mate.
I swear, if we go back this yurt and they're just eating Pom Bears
and having a chat I'm not going to be happy.
It had better be a mess in there. It better be. It better be.
She can't be doing our guy like that, man.
Do you have pineapple pizza?
NOOOO!
No, no pineapple pizza. Do you have pineapple on your pizza?
Pineapple pizza?!
Ohh.
Ash!
Shall we get this awkwardness out the way?
Cos this is making me cringey!
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, he's stripping off.
Just take it off. SHE GIGGLES
Ooh! Let's have it all.
Come on, Ash. We're not going to see some awkward sex now?!
Come on, stuff her crust.
SHE GASPS
Oh, good luck to them both. Ohh.
It's a happy ending. Yeah. In more ways that one. Twice.
Hmm. Very much so.
Always great to watch with your sister.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media