1 00:00:06,123 --> 00:00:08,443 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:28,363 --> 00:00:29,683 That's not a happy face. 3 00:00:29,843 --> 00:00:31,723 -[Jeremy] Well, it isn't a happy face. -What happened? 4 00:00:32,603 --> 00:00:34,043 -They're not going to do it at all? -No. 5 00:00:34,683 --> 00:00:35,723 Total refusal. 6 00:00:36,523 --> 00:00:40,603 And the lawyer told the council... All right, Alan. 7 00:00:40,803 --> 00:00:42,603 That's made us redundant then, for the next six months. 8 00:00:42,763 --> 00:00:43,563 [Jeremy] You're redundant. 9 00:00:44,363 --> 00:00:45,803 Fucking planners. 10 00:00:46,003 --> 00:00:47,723 You must have come across them a lot. 11 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,003 [Alan] Fucking ridiculous. 12 00:00:49,163 --> 00:00:51,403 Fifty plus people, that would have employed. 13 00:00:51,563 --> 00:00:52,363 [Alan] Unbelievable. 14 00:00:52,563 --> 00:00:55,203 What about all the farmers that would have employed, you know, 15 00:00:55,363 --> 00:00:56,523 pork and stuff like that, local people? 16 00:00:56,683 --> 00:00:58,003 [Jeremy] I know. We told them that. 17 00:00:58,163 --> 00:01:00,363 Crop to farm. It's not gonna happen now, is it? 18 00:01:00,523 --> 00:01:02,563 [Jeremy] And now we've got these cows 19 00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:05,923 and absolutely no way of selling them profitably. 20 00:01:06,123 --> 00:01:07,763 [Kaleb] We're committed now, aren't we? 21 00:01:07,963 --> 00:01:08,763 -Investment. -[Jeremy] Yeah. 22 00:01:08,923 --> 00:01:09,763 -'Cause there was gonna be a restaurant. -Yeah. 23 00:01:09,963 --> 00:01:11,523 I know people at home are going to be thinking 24 00:01:11,683 --> 00:01:14,443 "Why did he spend all this money before he got planning permission?" 25 00:01:14,603 --> 00:01:16,963 Well, if the restaurant opened in April, May, 26 00:01:17,163 --> 00:01:18,323 whenever Alan got it built, 27 00:01:18,483 --> 00:01:21,123 you had to be able to sell something. That's why we got the cows now. 28 00:01:21,243 --> 00:01:23,723 'Cause I couldn't see a reason why they'd turn the planning permission down. 29 00:01:23,883 --> 00:01:26,883 I didn't know that that man watches Sky At Night. 30 00:01:27,563 --> 00:01:29,483 I couldn't see that that was a relevant fact. 31 00:01:29,683 --> 00:01:31,843 -You can appeal. -Secretary of State. 32 00:01:32,003 --> 00:01:33,643 What's a Secretary of State? What does that mean? 33 00:01:33,803 --> 00:01:35,403 Secretary of State is the actual government. 34 00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:36,363 [Charlie] Yeah. 35 00:01:36,563 --> 00:01:37,603 We can't not do anything. 36 00:01:37,803 --> 00:01:40,003 [soft music] 37 00:01:41,443 --> 00:01:43,203 [Jeremy] The next day at the farm shop, 38 00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:46,443 Lisa and I were discussing the fallout. 39 00:01:47,323 --> 00:01:50,163 So you know I worked out last night how much I spent on the cows so far? 40 00:01:50,323 --> 00:01:51,123 [Lisa] No. 41 00:01:51,323 --> 00:01:53,963 -Right. On the whole cow enterprise... -Yeah. 42 00:01:54,123 --> 00:01:55,803 Bearing in mind we were going to get 43 00:01:55,963 --> 00:01:57,763 £10,000 a cow in the restaurant. 44 00:01:57,963 --> 00:01:59,563 This is the cost so far of the cow enterprise-- 45 00:01:59,723 --> 00:02:02,723 £240,822.20! 46 00:02:02,883 --> 00:02:03,683 Yeah. 47 00:02:03,883 --> 00:02:06,363 Nigh on a quarter of a million pounds. 48 00:02:06,523 --> 00:02:08,523 -Now, if you sell ten grand a cow... -Yeah? 49 00:02:08,763 --> 00:02:10,083 -Twenty-five cows... -Yeah. 50 00:02:10,283 --> 00:02:12,883 Ten grand, and we've paid for the cow enterprise. 51 00:02:13,083 --> 00:02:15,483 [Jeremy] If you were to sell a cow to a supermarket, 52 00:02:15,643 --> 00:02:18,563 you get twelve hundred quid, basically, for a cow. 53 00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:21,403 So, now I've got to sell 250 cows. 54 00:02:21,563 --> 00:02:23,283 And I haven't got 250 cows. 55 00:02:23,483 --> 00:02:27,083 I mean, it's gonna be thirty years... thirty years before we turn a profit. 56 00:02:29,043 --> 00:02:32,443 [Jeremy] The other problem was that our request to make a parking area 57 00:02:32,603 --> 00:02:35,923 had been tied in to the restaurant application. 58 00:02:36,443 --> 00:02:38,843 So now, because it had all been refused, 59 00:02:39,643 --> 00:02:44,283 we wouldn't be able to provide parking for visitors to the farm shop. 60 00:02:45,603 --> 00:02:48,963 The council's saying that this is an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, 61 00:02:49,123 --> 00:02:51,843 which it isn't, because... look. 62 00:02:52,003 --> 00:02:55,043 And we say to them, "Can we have permission to put some hardstanding down 63 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,843 "so that visitors can not chew the fields up?" 64 00:02:58,603 --> 00:02:59,923 "No, you can't." 65 00:03:00,123 --> 00:03:02,643 And people can't go in that, so they go and park on the verge. 66 00:03:02,843 --> 00:03:04,563 If you come and look at this... 67 00:03:08,723 --> 00:03:13,083 So the locals complain that people are parking on the verge and chewing them up. 68 00:03:13,243 --> 00:03:15,043 Which is true, they are. 69 00:03:15,203 --> 00:03:18,003 Right, so we say to the council, "Can we build a car park?" 70 00:03:18,163 --> 00:03:19,163 "No, you can't." 71 00:03:21,083 --> 00:03:21,923 [Jeremy] Back at the office, 72 00:03:22,083 --> 00:03:25,443 I discovered that even people on their side of the fence 73 00:03:25,603 --> 00:03:27,123 agreed with me. 74 00:03:27,683 --> 00:03:31,563 I've had messages on social media from councillors 75 00:03:31,723 --> 00:03:33,963 in other councils saying... 76 00:03:34,643 --> 00:03:37,083 that decision was idiotic 77 00:03:37,243 --> 00:03:40,083 and that I should take them to court. 78 00:03:40,963 --> 00:03:43,243 And I've had one from Roger Daltrey saying, 79 00:03:43,403 --> 00:03:45,483 "Welcome to the land of no. 80 00:03:45,643 --> 00:03:47,443 "I'm sorry to hear your planning was turned down, Jeremy. 81 00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:48,403 "How dare you diversify." 82 00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:50,363 This is the lead singer of The Who. 83 00:03:50,523 --> 00:03:54,843 I'll listen more to him than some... Herbert councillor. 84 00:03:55,003 --> 00:03:57,843 "I am putting in planning permission for a microbrewery on my farm. 85 00:03:58,003 --> 00:04:00,723 "Water from a spring, hops and grain from the local farms. 86 00:04:00,883 --> 00:04:03,683 "The cost of just putting in the planning with all the environmental surveys, 87 00:04:03,843 --> 00:04:06,803 "newts, bats, earwigs and such: £70,000. 88 00:04:06,963 --> 00:04:09,683 "How can the average farmer afford that? 89 00:04:09,843 --> 00:04:12,483 "Oh boy, can you have some fun with this when you go to appeal. 90 00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,643 "Be lucky, mate. Roger." 91 00:04:15,363 --> 00:04:16,683 [sighs] 92 00:04:18,283 --> 00:04:21,763 [Jeremy] I then had to break the news to our little cooperative. 93 00:04:23,043 --> 00:04:25,403 -[Jeremy] They've turned us down. -[man] Yeah, we heard. 94 00:04:25,643 --> 00:04:26,963 That's really disappointing for us. 95 00:04:27,563 --> 00:04:31,123 We're desperate, on our knees, to get rid of more pigs. 96 00:04:31,283 --> 00:04:33,083 Our farm's overflowing with pigs at the moment. 97 00:04:33,243 --> 00:04:37,243 Pig farmers are suffering... Well, I was about to say "more than anyone." 98 00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:39,083 But Emma's got TB, so. 99 00:04:39,243 --> 00:04:41,643 So how many... You've lost sixty cows now? 100 00:04:41,843 --> 00:04:43,803 Yeah. Yeah, sixty in total. 101 00:04:43,963 --> 00:04:45,363 [Jeremy] And you can't get rid of pigs. 102 00:04:45,563 --> 00:04:46,723 We can't get rid of them. 103 00:04:46,843 --> 00:04:51,043 And the price is horrendous. And the feed costs are astronomical. 104 00:04:51,203 --> 00:04:53,603 We're cereal farmers and we're buying in wheat 105 00:04:53,763 --> 00:04:55,763 at these astronomic prices to feed the pigs. 106 00:04:55,923 --> 00:04:57,523 They're making no money. 107 00:04:57,723 --> 00:04:58,963 Jesus! 108 00:05:00,683 --> 00:05:02,403 [Jeremy] I then went back to the farm, 109 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:06,523 and got some bad news about the thumb-flavoured crisps 110 00:05:06,683 --> 00:05:09,483 I'd been making from our potatoes. 111 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:14,603 "Environmental and regulatory services of West Oxfordshire District Council. 112 00:05:14,763 --> 00:05:16,403 "According to the results, the sample measures 113 00:05:16,563 --> 00:05:19,283 "10,500 micrograms of acrylamide." 114 00:05:19,483 --> 00:05:20,283 What? 115 00:05:21,963 --> 00:05:24,163 My crisps are carcinogenic. 116 00:05:26,283 --> 00:05:28,403 How many people knew 117 00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:31,043 that a certain type of potato 118 00:05:31,203 --> 00:05:33,643 when cooked in a certain type of oil 119 00:05:33,803 --> 00:05:36,243 could perhaps cause cancer? 120 00:05:36,443 --> 00:05:38,243 How would you know that? 121 00:05:38,923 --> 00:05:40,763 [mutters] 122 00:05:41,083 --> 00:05:42,763 Prepared from twenty... 123 00:05:47,203 --> 00:05:48,003 [groans] 124 00:05:48,163 --> 00:05:52,403 So if I want to make crisps, I have to use a different type of potato. 125 00:05:54,563 --> 00:05:57,123 That means I've got-- How many tons of Melody potatoes 126 00:05:57,283 --> 00:05:59,443 have I got in cold storage? 127 00:06:00,203 --> 00:06:02,123 Which have started to sprout. 128 00:06:02,283 --> 00:06:04,643 Oh God! 129 00:06:07,403 --> 00:06:08,403 [Jeremy] The only good news 130 00:06:08,563 --> 00:06:10,883 is that we couldn't actually sell the crisps anyway 131 00:06:11,043 --> 00:06:14,683 because at this point, we didn't even have a farm shop. 132 00:06:15,523 --> 00:06:17,003 [Jeremy] Right. So we'll clear all this out. 133 00:06:17,163 --> 00:06:17,963 [Lisa] Yeah. 134 00:06:18,763 --> 00:06:22,243 [Jeremy] The council had decided that its traditional green-tin roof 135 00:06:22,403 --> 00:06:26,323 was an eyesore and that it must be replaced with slate. 136 00:06:27,243 --> 00:06:31,603 So the shop had had to close while the work was done. 137 00:06:31,763 --> 00:06:35,123 The problem we've got is because we're having to put heavy slate on, 138 00:06:35,283 --> 00:06:39,363 these simple beams and rafters, or whatever they're called, 139 00:06:39,523 --> 00:06:40,403 aren't strong enough. 140 00:06:40,603 --> 00:06:42,963 So we've gotta replace the whole structure of the roof. 141 00:06:43,123 --> 00:06:44,043 It's almost like the council knew. 142 00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:46,843 "Can we put composite slate on," which is light? "No. 143 00:06:47,323 --> 00:06:49,083 "Gotta be proper slate." 144 00:06:50,723 --> 00:06:52,363 It's, um... 145 00:06:54,563 --> 00:06:55,683 [scoffs] 146 00:07:03,603 --> 00:07:05,683 [Jeremy] While the roof work was going on, 147 00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:09,883 Charlie was busy preparing a new separate planning application 148 00:07:10,083 --> 00:07:11,443 for a parking area. 149 00:07:12,883 --> 00:07:17,003 That car park is, you know, absolutely vital 150 00:07:17,163 --> 00:07:19,523 to service the needs of the farm shop. 151 00:07:20,003 --> 00:07:23,283 And if we've ticked the box with the roof, 152 00:07:23,483 --> 00:07:25,043 I'm really hopeful they turn around and say, 153 00:07:25,203 --> 00:07:27,163 "Yeah, great, have your car park." 154 00:07:28,963 --> 00:07:32,683 [Jeremy] That left me free to get on with some actual farming. 155 00:07:33,443 --> 00:07:35,683 The hens didn't need much attention 156 00:07:35,883 --> 00:07:39,763 as they were still toughing it out in bird-flu quarantine. 157 00:07:39,963 --> 00:07:42,603 [Margaret Thatcher's voice] To those waiting with baited breath 158 00:07:42,803 --> 00:07:46,803 for their favourite media catchphrase "the U-turn", 159 00:07:46,963 --> 00:07:49,403 I have only one thing to say. 160 00:07:49,883 --> 00:07:51,963 You turn if you want to. 161 00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:54,203 [laughter] 162 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:58,563 [Jeremy] But the new calves all needed to have their ears pierced. 163 00:07:58,763 --> 00:08:01,083 And, as I didn't know how to do that, 164 00:08:01,283 --> 00:08:03,243 I had to ask Kaleb for help. 165 00:08:04,523 --> 00:08:06,363 [Kaleb] These are the taggers, yeah? 166 00:08:06,563 --> 00:08:07,923 [Jeremy] So that goes through their ear? 167 00:08:08,083 --> 00:08:11,843 Yeah. We've gotta find 10002. 168 00:08:12,003 --> 00:08:13,803 -[Jeremy] What, in there? -There it is. Look. 169 00:08:14,003 --> 00:08:15,403 Open up, open up. Relax. 170 00:08:15,603 --> 00:08:17,603 Give it a bit of a spray with iodine. 171 00:08:19,003 --> 00:08:20,643 Just to disinfect it. And then go put it in his ear. 172 00:08:21,443 --> 00:08:22,643 -I'm not doing that. -Why? 173 00:08:22,843 --> 00:08:26,683 Could you just-- It's the first one. I've gotta see it being done. 174 00:08:26,843 --> 00:08:29,003 Hold that one, then. You do the tags, I'll do the ear. 175 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:30,443 [Kaleb grunts] 176 00:08:30,963 --> 00:08:33,523 [Jeremy] They're all a bit surprised by this. 177 00:08:33,723 --> 00:08:35,563 [Kaleb] Steady, steady, steady. 178 00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:37,563 I'm gonna get killed in a minute. Let's do it quick. 179 00:08:37,763 --> 00:08:40,163 You get 'em like that. Yeah? 180 00:08:41,483 --> 00:08:43,683 [cow mooing] 181 00:08:43,883 --> 00:08:46,163 [Jeremy] It's all right, cow. Relax. We should have brought some nuts-- 182 00:08:46,323 --> 00:08:47,763 [Kaleb] Right, number two. We've got another one. 183 00:08:47,923 --> 00:08:49,243 -[Jeremy] What? -Quickly. 184 00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:51,203 [Jeremy] What? Another one of what? 185 00:08:51,403 --> 00:08:53,083 [Kaleb] The other number two. We've gotta put two in their ears. 186 00:08:53,243 --> 00:08:56,403 You didn't tell me that. There's thirty-seven, five... 187 00:08:56,563 --> 00:08:57,923 -[Kaleb] I need two... -Two! 188 00:08:58,563 --> 00:08:59,403 [Kaleb] Got 'em? 189 00:08:59,563 --> 00:09:02,483 [Jeremy] Please tell me I've done this right. 190 00:09:02,683 --> 00:09:06,563 [Jeremy] You've got new earrings! Yes! Look at your earrings! 191 00:09:07,203 --> 00:09:09,443 It's like going to Accessorize, this is. 192 00:09:09,563 --> 00:09:10,763 [Kaleb] Next one, quick. 193 00:09:11,683 --> 00:09:12,523 [Kaleb groans] 194 00:09:12,683 --> 00:09:14,683 -No. -[Jeremy] Is that your testes? 195 00:09:16,043 --> 00:09:17,243 Yeah. 196 00:09:17,443 --> 00:09:19,403 I reckon you could definitely tackle this calf. 197 00:09:22,683 --> 00:09:24,683 [Kaleb] Right, come on, then, quickly. Quickly, quickly. 198 00:09:24,883 --> 00:09:25,683 [Jeremy] What? 199 00:09:25,883 --> 00:09:27,163 -[Kaleb] You see them two marks? -No! 200 00:09:27,323 --> 00:09:28,123 [Kaleb] There, look. 201 00:09:28,283 --> 00:09:30,403 [Jeremy] I haven't got my glasses on. There? 202 00:09:30,563 --> 00:09:32,883 [Kaleb] No, no, no. Now. Squeeze hard. 203 00:09:33,043 --> 00:09:35,363 -[Kaleb] Hard! Hard! -[Jeremy] She squeezed her ear up... 204 00:09:35,523 --> 00:09:38,883 -[Jeremy] She squeezed her ear up... -Hard, hard. That's it. Perfect. 205 00:09:39,483 --> 00:09:40,923 [Jeremy] I did a thing! 206 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,923 [soft music] 207 00:09:46,483 --> 00:09:48,923 [Jeremy] Once the tagging was complete, 208 00:09:49,123 --> 00:09:52,803 the numbers all had to be registered with the government's cow police. 209 00:09:53,003 --> 00:09:55,083 So, Kaleb stayed in the shed 210 00:09:55,243 --> 00:09:58,363 and rang them through to Charlie and me. 211 00:09:58,523 --> 00:10:00,683 -[Kaleb] Right. Are you ready? -[Charlie] Yeah. 212 00:10:00,883 --> 00:10:04,643 [Kaleb] So, 300225... 213 00:10:04,803 --> 00:10:06,043 [Charlie] Yeah. 214 00:10:06,203 --> 00:10:08,123 [Kaleb] Is the mother of 215 00:10:08,283 --> 00:10:11,683 50002. 216 00:10:11,803 --> 00:10:14,803 Whoa, whoa... 400002? 217 00:10:14,923 --> 00:10:17,043 -[Kaleb] No, 5. -5. 5? 218 00:10:17,243 --> 00:10:18,803 How can that be? 219 00:10:19,443 --> 00:10:23,403 [Kaleb] Trust me. Hear me out, hear me out. Chill out. Chill out. 220 00:10:23,563 --> 00:10:25,003 Right. 221 00:10:25,163 --> 00:10:26,243 And now, I don't know. 222 00:10:26,443 --> 00:10:28,883 [Jeremy laughs] 223 00:10:30,003 --> 00:10:33,883 [Kaleb] The 400177... 224 00:10:34,803 --> 00:10:36,203 Yeah? 225 00:10:40,563 --> 00:10:43,923 225's heifer calf is which one? 226 00:10:44,123 --> 00:10:45,083 [Kaleb] Number 1. 227 00:10:45,243 --> 00:10:46,923 [Charlie] No, that was 164's, Kaleb... 228 00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:47,883 [Kaleb] Number 3. 229 00:10:48,883 --> 00:10:51,043 No, number 2. 230 00:10:51,243 --> 00:10:52,483 Oh my God, this is hard. 231 00:10:52,643 --> 00:10:57,083 The chances of these being registered accurately: nought. 232 00:10:57,283 --> 00:11:01,123 I'm still not happy about 300225. 233 00:11:01,763 --> 00:11:02,643 That's the mother. 234 00:11:02,843 --> 00:11:04,963 [Kaleb] Yeah? I just told you, that's number 2. 235 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,643 -[Charlie] No, you didn't. -[Kaleb] 3, sorry. 236 00:11:06,803 --> 00:11:09,443 [Charlie] Yeah... Which one? Which one? 237 00:11:09,643 --> 00:11:11,683 [Kaleb] Poppy's mum. I just read her out, yeah? 238 00:11:11,843 --> 00:11:13,643 I don't know who Poppy is. 239 00:11:13,843 --> 00:11:15,683 -The first one. Number 1. -[Kaleb] Right. 240 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:19,523 400177 241 00:11:19,683 --> 00:11:21,643 is the mother of 242 00:11:21,803 --> 00:11:26,803 40001. 243 00:11:27,003 --> 00:11:30,323 Last time you said 500164 244 00:11:30,483 --> 00:11:33,443 had calf 400001. 245 00:11:33,603 --> 00:11:34,603 [Kaleb] 2. 246 00:11:35,483 --> 00:11:36,883 That's number 2. 247 00:11:37,043 --> 00:11:39,483 [Jeremy and Charlie laughing] 248 00:11:39,643 --> 00:11:40,843 No, seriously... 249 00:11:42,523 --> 00:11:43,963 [Kaleb] I'm going from the beginning. 250 00:11:44,123 --> 00:11:45,683 Oh no! 251 00:11:45,843 --> 00:11:46,963 No! God! 252 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:48,323 Has anybody got a gun? 253 00:11:49,803 --> 00:11:50,963 [Jeremy] After all that, 254 00:11:51,123 --> 00:11:54,523 we assumed that registering the numbers with the cow police 255 00:11:54,683 --> 00:11:56,763 would be a breeze. 256 00:11:57,123 --> 00:12:00,043 [automated voice] Thank you for calling the British Cattle Movement Service. 257 00:12:00,243 --> 00:12:02,803 Many of our people are still working from home, 258 00:12:02,963 --> 00:12:05,323 so you may hear additional background noise. 259 00:12:05,483 --> 00:12:06,483 We've gone back to work. 260 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:09,683 [automated voice] For information on how we handle personal data, 261 00:12:09,843 --> 00:12:14,643 go to www.gov.uk and search Rural Payments Agency... 262 00:12:14,803 --> 00:12:15,643 This is what we have to put up with. 263 00:12:15,803 --> 00:12:18,163 [automated voice] ...Personal Information Charter. 264 00:12:18,843 --> 00:12:22,083 To report animal births, movements and deaths to us, 265 00:12:22,243 --> 00:12:23,523 press one. 266 00:12:23,723 --> 00:12:25,723 Please tell me your county parish holding number. 267 00:12:25,883 --> 00:12:27,243 That's the CPH. 268 00:12:27,963 --> 00:12:31,803 Three, three, slash, one, zero, two, 269 00:12:31,963 --> 00:12:35,363 slash, zero, one, six, zero. 270 00:12:36,443 --> 00:12:39,723 [automated voice] Thank you. Was that: three, zero, one... 271 00:12:39,883 --> 00:12:41,523 No! No. 272 00:12:41,683 --> 00:12:43,483 [automated voice] ...zero, two, zero, one? 273 00:12:43,683 --> 00:12:46,123 Okay. Sorry about that. Let's try again. 274 00:12:46,283 --> 00:12:48,963 Please tell me your county parish holding number. 275 00:12:49,123 --> 00:12:50,723 Three, three, 276 00:12:50,883 --> 00:12:53,283 one, zero, two, 277 00:12:53,443 --> 00:12:56,563 zero, one, six, zero. 278 00:12:57,603 --> 00:12:58,483 [automated voice] Thank you. 279 00:12:58,643 --> 00:13:02,563 Was that: three, three, one, zero, two, 280 00:13:02,723 --> 00:13:05,403 zero, one, six, zero? 281 00:13:05,563 --> 00:13:06,763 Yes. 282 00:13:07,683 --> 00:13:11,243 [automated voice] Right. Please wait while I check those details. 283 00:13:11,403 --> 00:13:14,123 Sorry, there isn't a match between the CPH number 284 00:13:14,283 --> 00:13:15,643 and the phone number you're calling from. 285 00:13:15,803 --> 00:13:16,603 No ? 286 00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:20,123 [automated voice] I cannot put you through to the BCMS helpline. 287 00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:22,083 For further help and information, 288 00:13:22,243 --> 00:13:24,363 please hang up and call the following number 289 00:13:24,523 --> 00:13:26,443 during normal office hours. 290 00:13:26,603 --> 00:13:27,563 The number is: 291 00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:32,723 0345-050-1234. 292 00:13:32,883 --> 00:13:36,003 Charlie, that was all recorded, OK? 293 00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:38,123 I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. 294 00:13:38,483 --> 00:13:40,723 They can piss off. 295 00:13:40,883 --> 00:13:43,363 I hate the government so much. 296 00:13:46,563 --> 00:13:48,843 [soft music] 297 00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:52,243 [Jeremy] Mercifully, I was scheduled to spend the next day 298 00:13:52,403 --> 00:13:55,283 with a normal, nice, proper person 299 00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,083 who wasn't from the government. 300 00:13:57,723 --> 00:13:59,923 All right, looking for a man called Robin, 301 00:14:00,083 --> 00:14:02,203 who is a hedge person. 302 00:14:03,363 --> 00:14:07,523 [Jeremy] Robin is a scout for the British Hedgelaying Society. 303 00:14:07,683 --> 00:14:10,523 And he'd come to see me because Diddly Squat 304 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:14,643 had been invited to host a prestigious competition. 305 00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:17,083 There he is. 306 00:14:17,243 --> 00:14:19,123 Examining the hedge. 307 00:14:20,003 --> 00:14:21,563 Excellent. 308 00:14:21,763 --> 00:14:24,483 -[Jeremy] Robin. Are you well? -Always good. 309 00:14:24,643 --> 00:14:25,683 [Jeremy] Have you found a suitable hedge? 310 00:14:25,843 --> 00:14:26,643 [Robin] Yes. 311 00:14:26,843 --> 00:14:30,603 So we're going to lay this hedge, with your permission, 312 00:14:30,763 --> 00:14:33,043 from here right way round to there. 313 00:14:33,203 --> 00:14:37,203 And we'll have thirty-two competitors doing five different styles. 314 00:14:37,403 --> 00:14:39,243 [Jeremy] You're basically making a fence out of a hedge? 315 00:14:39,403 --> 00:14:41,523 [Robin] Yes. Well, see, it's a craft. 316 00:14:42,363 --> 00:14:44,803 [Jeremy] In my mind, I was being rather cunning, 317 00:14:45,003 --> 00:14:48,043 because I assumed I was getting a free fence. 318 00:14:49,043 --> 00:14:50,483 However... 319 00:14:50,643 --> 00:14:53,163 [Robin] The competition, we start it at nine. 320 00:14:53,323 --> 00:14:56,763 Five hours. You'll be very kind to provide them with something to eat. 321 00:14:56,923 --> 00:14:58,843 -Oh, so I'm doing lunch? -Yes, yes. 322 00:14:59,043 --> 00:14:59,923 How many people? 323 00:15:00,083 --> 00:15:00,963 Thirty-two. 324 00:15:01,123 --> 00:15:03,123 -Plus... -And wives and partners. 325 00:15:03,323 --> 00:15:04,763 So it could be sixty? Seventy? 326 00:15:04,963 --> 00:15:06,923 -Yes, yes. -So, big lunch. 327 00:15:07,083 --> 00:15:10,243 And does that tend to be in the house or do we put up a marquee? 328 00:15:10,403 --> 00:15:14,003 -If you're gonna put up a marquee... -A marquee. 329 00:15:14,203 --> 00:15:16,043 And at the end of this, 330 00:15:16,203 --> 00:15:19,523 you will put in the prize money, etcetera. 331 00:15:19,723 --> 00:15:22,043 -So I do the prize money? -Yes, you do. 332 00:15:22,243 --> 00:15:24,523 What sort of level of prize money would it normally be? 333 00:15:24,723 --> 00:15:27,043 Per class, it's about £240. 334 00:15:27,243 --> 00:15:29,563 £240 per class and there's five classes? 335 00:15:29,723 --> 00:15:30,683 Five classes, yes. 336 00:15:30,883 --> 00:15:35,483 [Jeremy] This news caused me to break out my emergency first-aid kit. 337 00:15:36,243 --> 00:15:37,803 [Robin] Oh my God! 338 00:15:38,843 --> 00:15:41,003 I'd been sitting looking at the sloe gin... 339 00:15:41,163 --> 00:15:42,203 I mean the sloe berries. 340 00:15:42,403 --> 00:15:43,683 These are ones we made earlier. 341 00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:45,803 Oh my God. This is good. 342 00:15:46,763 --> 00:15:47,643 -Cheers! -[Robin] Cheers to you. 343 00:15:52,003 --> 00:15:53,123 That's good. 344 00:15:53,283 --> 00:15:55,163 -The sloe's out of there. -Yeah. 345 00:15:55,323 --> 00:15:56,683 Mixed with a little bit of gin. 346 00:15:56,883 --> 00:16:00,403 There's a drink here... I don't know if you've come across it, King's Ginger. 347 00:16:01,883 --> 00:16:03,523 Which I'm always amused by. 348 00:16:03,723 --> 00:16:06,123 It says here: "This ginger beverage 349 00:16:06,283 --> 00:16:09,643 "was specifically formulated by Berry Brothers in 1903 350 00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,483 "for King Edward VII." 351 00:16:11,683 --> 00:16:14,803 "It was created to stimulate His Majesty 352 00:16:14,963 --> 00:16:17,723 "during morning rides in his new horseless carriage." 353 00:16:17,883 --> 00:16:21,323 It was actually invented for drinking and driving! 354 00:16:22,043 --> 00:16:24,843 -"This'll keep you warm, sir." -Horseless carriage! 355 00:16:25,003 --> 00:16:27,403 [Jeremy] In his new horseless carriage in 1903. 356 00:16:27,563 --> 00:16:28,683 Yeah, yeah. 357 00:16:28,843 --> 00:16:31,243 So, my mine's evaporated. 358 00:16:31,403 --> 00:16:33,123 [laughs] 359 00:16:34,763 --> 00:16:37,683 [Jeremy] After Robin's hedge fund had emptied my wallet 360 00:16:37,843 --> 00:16:39,443 and my drinks cabinet, 361 00:16:39,603 --> 00:16:42,963 I went off to see the entrepreneurial foetus, 362 00:16:43,123 --> 00:16:45,323 who'd just invested in some new kit 363 00:16:45,523 --> 00:16:48,563 for his ever-growing farm contracting business. 364 00:16:49,803 --> 00:16:51,003 [Kaleb] What do you think? 365 00:16:51,163 --> 00:16:52,763 Have you got a new tractor? 366 00:16:53,603 --> 00:16:55,203 A bit small. 367 00:16:55,363 --> 00:16:56,963 [Kaleb] What do you mean, "small"? 368 00:16:57,123 --> 00:16:59,283 210 horsepower. 369 00:16:59,443 --> 00:17:01,243 -[Jeremy] Well, with boost. -Yeah. Yeah. 370 00:17:01,403 --> 00:17:02,203 [Jeremy] 185. 371 00:17:02,363 --> 00:17:05,123 What do you think of the wheels, though? I customised it. 372 00:17:05,283 --> 00:17:06,923 -[Jeremy] Black wheels? -Black wheels. 373 00:17:07,083 --> 00:17:09,403 [Kaleb] I put a go-fast stripe on it as well. 374 00:17:09,563 --> 00:17:11,323 Where is it? Is it on the roof? 375 00:17:11,483 --> 00:17:13,723 No, on the bonnet. So it starts here, look. 376 00:17:14,323 --> 00:17:15,123 [Jeremy laughs] 377 00:17:15,323 --> 00:17:16,723 So that's your go-faster stripe? 378 00:17:16,843 --> 00:17:18,683 -[Kaleb] And it's on the top as well. -Yeah, because... 379 00:17:18,843 --> 00:17:21,963 So the only evidence that you've got a go-faster stripe is that. 380 00:17:22,123 --> 00:17:23,123 Yeah. 381 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:26,683 185 horsepower. How much was it? 382 00:17:26,843 --> 00:17:28,683 A hundred and four. 383 00:17:28,843 --> 00:17:33,243 Two and a half times more expensive than my tractor 384 00:17:33,363 --> 00:17:35,803 and with a hundred horsepower less. 385 00:17:36,003 --> 00:17:37,563 Lifting capacity of this? 386 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,003 Eight point seven-five? 387 00:17:39,203 --> 00:17:41,043 -Ten and a half. -Yeah? 388 00:17:41,243 --> 00:17:42,603 I've got GPS. 389 00:17:44,043 --> 00:17:47,483 Right. And how long do you think you're gonna have GPS before it's stolen? 390 00:17:47,683 --> 00:17:49,803 Oh, a couple of months. 391 00:17:50,003 --> 00:17:52,603 What's the longest a farmer's ever owned GPS 392 00:17:52,803 --> 00:17:54,443 before they get up in the morning and someone's nicked it? 393 00:17:54,603 --> 00:17:56,603 Probably six months is the longest time. 394 00:17:57,603 --> 00:17:59,803 [Jeremy] His piddly tractor's first job 395 00:18:00,003 --> 00:18:02,723 would be to help me plant the spring barley. 396 00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:05,003 [Kaleb] You're missing a few, um... 397 00:18:05,123 --> 00:18:06,203 pins, look. 398 00:18:06,723 --> 00:18:08,563 [Jeremy] Which meant attaching the drill 399 00:18:08,763 --> 00:18:12,123 to my vastly superior Lambo. 400 00:18:12,963 --> 00:18:14,603 -[Kaleb] Oh my God! -[Jeremy] What? 401 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,803 [Kaleb] It's a little shrew or something. 402 00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,483 -[Jeremy] Oh, there he is! Oh wow! -[Kaleb] Get the gun. 403 00:18:19,603 --> 00:18:22,563 [Jeremy] Don't be so unkind. 404 00:18:23,843 --> 00:18:25,763 -[Jeremy] You're not frightened of mice? -I don't like rats and mice. 405 00:18:25,923 --> 00:18:27,723 -It's not a rat, it's a mouse. -[Kaleb] Can you finish him off, please? 406 00:18:27,843 --> 00:18:28,803 I'm not gonna finish him off! 407 00:18:29,003 --> 00:18:30,683 And I'm not going out there with him in there. 408 00:18:31,283 --> 00:18:33,123 [Jeremy] Do you think that goes all the way down? 409 00:18:33,323 --> 00:18:34,243 [Kaleb] Yeah, yeah. 410 00:18:34,443 --> 00:18:35,483 [Jeremy] Come on, little mouse. 411 00:18:36,083 --> 00:18:38,443 [Kaleb] Just dangle it down there. He'll be all right. 412 00:18:38,603 --> 00:18:42,123 [Jeremy] This is kind to the environment and kind to animals. 413 00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:45,523 Sir Attenborough would like me for doing this. 414 00:18:46,683 --> 00:18:49,203 [Jeremy] There he goes! Mr Mouse! 415 00:18:49,363 --> 00:18:52,243 [Kaleb] He's underneath your wheel. He's actually underneath your wheel. 416 00:18:52,443 --> 00:18:54,043 As soon as you move, you're gonna kill him. 417 00:18:54,243 --> 00:18:58,243 He's in the tyre tracks of the tractor down there. 418 00:18:58,443 --> 00:19:00,283 Come on! Out. [kicks wheel] 419 00:19:00,483 --> 00:19:02,963 [Kaleb] we can't afford to lose any more time 'cause of the mouse. 420 00:19:03,123 --> 00:19:06,523 Oh bloody hell. I mean, there's a lot of decisions in farming 421 00:19:06,723 --> 00:19:07,803 but this is a really nasty one. 422 00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:08,763 [Kaleb] Just go. 423 00:19:11,203 --> 00:19:13,003 [Kaleb] We've gotta go drilling. 424 00:19:15,243 --> 00:19:17,603 [Jeremy] If I roll back a millimetre, 425 00:19:17,763 --> 00:19:21,003 Mr Mouse is toast. 426 00:19:22,563 --> 00:19:23,363 [engine] 427 00:19:37,923 --> 00:19:40,843 Now, that is how you do a hill start. 428 00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:43,283 [Jeremy] But then, when I lifted the drill... 429 00:19:43,443 --> 00:19:45,243 Oh shit. I've rolled back! 430 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:52,683 [Kaleb] You just killed that poor mouse. I'll bury him. 431 00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:53,963 Back up. 432 00:19:54,483 --> 00:19:55,363 [Jeremy] No, forwards. 433 00:19:55,563 --> 00:19:57,443 Is he stuck to the tyre? 434 00:19:59,443 --> 00:20:00,363 [Kaleb] He lived! 435 00:20:00,523 --> 00:20:04,123 [delighted laughter] 436 00:20:04,323 --> 00:20:06,003 [Kaleb] Meow! [laughter] 437 00:20:06,123 --> 00:20:09,523 The mouse lives because I can drive. 438 00:20:09,723 --> 00:20:11,803 [upbeat music] 439 00:20:13,283 --> 00:20:17,043 [Jeremy] Crisis over, we got down to planting. 440 00:20:17,763 --> 00:20:19,323 Look at this, we are working as a team now. 441 00:20:19,483 --> 00:20:24,123 You're fertilising and I'm drilling in the same field at the same time. 442 00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:27,843 [Jeremy] And instead of expensive chemical fertiliser... 443 00:20:30,243 --> 00:20:32,843 We were using my very own chicken muck, 444 00:20:33,363 --> 00:20:35,923 which made Kaleb very happy. 445 00:20:36,723 --> 00:20:40,363 My brand-new tractor's covered in chicken shit. It stinks. 446 00:20:43,603 --> 00:20:47,003 [Jeremy] The spring barley from here, if the quality's good enough, 447 00:20:47,203 --> 00:20:51,083 will go to the brewery and will be made into Hawkstone beer. 448 00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,923 That's why we have to do it really, really, really 449 00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:55,843 to the best of our abilities. 450 00:20:57,523 --> 00:21:00,563 [Jeremy] However, at the moment there was neither a farm shop 451 00:21:00,723 --> 00:21:04,443 nor a restaurant in which to sell that beer. 452 00:21:05,763 --> 00:21:08,203 But, over at the Royal Academy, 453 00:21:08,683 --> 00:21:12,283 Charlie was working on a plan to sort that out. 454 00:21:12,443 --> 00:21:15,603 To take the restaurant appeal to the next level 455 00:21:15,803 --> 00:21:18,483 is to take it to the Secretary of State. 456 00:21:18,603 --> 00:21:22,283 We've got one shot at this. This is our last chance. 457 00:21:22,443 --> 00:21:27,443 So we need the best specialist advisors to help with this, 458 00:21:27,603 --> 00:21:30,083 and, you know, barristers and lawyers. 459 00:21:30,243 --> 00:21:32,363 And I'm looking at, you know, who they are now. 460 00:21:32,603 --> 00:21:35,123 [lively music] 461 00:21:35,483 --> 00:21:36,603 [Jeremy] By some miracle, 462 00:21:36,843 --> 00:21:41,203 Charlie had also managed to register the calves with the cow police. 463 00:21:41,363 --> 00:21:45,763 And today was yet another milestone in their adolescence, 464 00:21:45,963 --> 00:21:49,363 because two of them were due to be dehorned. 465 00:21:50,123 --> 00:21:51,723 [Dilwyn] So I'm just gonna jab 'em. 466 00:21:51,883 --> 00:21:53,443 [Jeremy] And this is what? To calm them down? 467 00:21:53,643 --> 00:21:55,963 Just to make 'em... They'll hopefully fall asleep. 468 00:21:56,163 --> 00:21:57,963 -[Kaleb] Bring that gate round this way. -[Jeremy] What, now? 469 00:21:58,123 --> 00:22:00,083 -[Kaleb] Yeah. -[Jeremy] That's the ticket. 470 00:22:00,243 --> 00:22:01,323 -[Kaleb] This one first? -[Dilwyn] Yeah. 471 00:22:01,483 --> 00:22:03,603 -[Kaleb] Where does it go? -[Dilwyn] In the neck. 472 00:22:09,163 --> 00:22:11,203 -[Dilwyn] Is this the other one? -[Kaleb] Yeah. 473 00:22:14,043 --> 00:22:15,083 [Dilwyn] Jolly good. 474 00:22:15,283 --> 00:22:18,243 We'll just leave 'em now for 10-15 minutes and they'll just fall asleep. 475 00:22:19,763 --> 00:22:21,883 [Jeremy] Why do you get rid of their horns? 476 00:22:22,043 --> 00:22:25,443 [Dilwyn] Because the ones with horns become dominant and bully the rest. 477 00:22:25,603 --> 00:22:27,763 -[Kaleb] And safety for us as well. -[Dilwyn] Yeah. 478 00:22:28,643 --> 00:22:29,723 [Kaleb] Oh, there you go, look. He's down. 479 00:22:30,243 --> 00:22:31,203 Look at his face. 480 00:22:31,363 --> 00:22:33,163 [Jeremy] Yeah, really sleepy. 481 00:22:33,363 --> 00:22:35,923 The mother looking all concerned, look. 482 00:22:36,123 --> 00:22:37,723 All right, mum, she's fine. 483 00:22:39,403 --> 00:22:40,683 [Jeremy] There we go. 484 00:22:42,323 --> 00:22:44,203 -[Jeremy] What's this? A local? -[Dilwyn] Yes. 485 00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:46,443 [Dilwyn] Normally, when they're conscious you're grappling with them now. 486 00:22:46,603 --> 00:22:50,763 But because we knocked 'em out, it's a lot less stressful for the calf. 487 00:22:52,043 --> 00:22:56,523 [Jeremy] Dilwyn's medical equipment then became slightly less high-tech. 488 00:23:02,643 --> 00:23:05,843 [Jeremy] Oh my giddy aunt. You've set fire to her head. 489 00:23:06,003 --> 00:23:08,003 Holy cow! 490 00:23:08,723 --> 00:23:11,043 [Kaleb] So you keep going round in a circle. 491 00:23:11,243 --> 00:23:13,083 [Jeremy] But there's actually flames. 492 00:23:14,803 --> 00:23:17,443 [Jeremy] Aw. That must hurt. 493 00:23:17,603 --> 00:23:19,363 Aw! 494 00:23:22,923 --> 00:23:24,603 [Jeremy] And this kills the horn? 495 00:23:24,763 --> 00:23:26,443 [Dilwyn] Yeah, it burns the germinal layer, 496 00:23:26,603 --> 00:23:28,483 which is the bit of the horn that grows. 497 00:23:28,643 --> 00:23:30,843 So you get rid of the horn 498 00:23:31,003 --> 00:23:35,603 and also you get rid of the tissue where the horn grows from. 499 00:23:36,483 --> 00:23:38,283 Is this iodine you're putting on there, Kaleb? 500 00:23:38,443 --> 00:23:40,883 [Dilwyn] It's an antibiotic spray, actually, 501 00:23:41,043 --> 00:23:42,563 to stop it becoming infected. 502 00:23:42,723 --> 00:23:45,963 And I'm gonna give her an injection of a pain killer 503 00:23:46,123 --> 00:23:48,483 'cause one of the things that sometimes happens 504 00:23:48,683 --> 00:23:52,603 is, as the anaesthetic wears off, the head becomes tickly. 505 00:23:52,763 --> 00:23:55,323 [Jeremy] I don't think anybody who's ever had their head set on fire 506 00:23:55,483 --> 00:23:57,003 says, "It's a bit tickly." 507 00:23:57,683 --> 00:23:59,323 [Dilwyn] So there, that's one done. 508 00:24:00,163 --> 00:24:01,923 [Jeremy] Poor little fella. 509 00:24:02,483 --> 00:24:05,163 [Jeremy] Thankfully, the coming weekend's activities 510 00:24:05,323 --> 00:24:08,203 promised to be much less stressful. 511 00:24:11,803 --> 00:24:15,403 [epic music] 512 00:24:21,163 --> 00:24:24,403 [Jeremy] Thirty-two of the country's finest competitors, 513 00:24:24,563 --> 00:24:28,563 each allotted a nine-metre section of unkempt hedge, 514 00:24:28,723 --> 00:24:31,363 would be making a living fence 515 00:24:31,563 --> 00:24:34,203 using five different styles. 516 00:24:34,403 --> 00:24:35,363 Dorset, 517 00:24:35,563 --> 00:24:36,843 North Somerset, 518 00:24:37,043 --> 00:24:37,963 Midland, 519 00:24:38,163 --> 00:24:39,803 Lancs & Westmorland 520 00:24:40,003 --> 00:24:41,643 and Welsh. 521 00:24:41,843 --> 00:24:43,843 [man] Welcome to Diddly Squat. 522 00:24:44,003 --> 00:24:46,043 Judging will take place through the day. 523 00:24:46,203 --> 00:24:48,843 The scores will be added up on the computer this time, 524 00:24:49,003 --> 00:24:50,243 so there'll be no mistake. 525 00:24:50,443 --> 00:24:51,403 [laughter] 526 00:24:51,563 --> 00:24:53,683 If you're all ready, go! 527 00:24:53,883 --> 00:24:58,123 [upbeat music] 528 00:25:01,883 --> 00:25:05,163 [Jeremy] These premier-league fencemakers had five hours 529 00:25:05,323 --> 00:25:07,603 to complete their hedges. 530 00:25:12,803 --> 00:25:15,723 And it wasn't just a beauty contest. 531 00:25:16,243 --> 00:25:21,043 This is the traditional way of creating a fence, 532 00:25:21,203 --> 00:25:23,203 an impenetrable fence, from a hedge. 533 00:25:23,363 --> 00:25:25,803 They've been doing it this way for... 534 00:25:25,963 --> 00:25:27,043 hundreds of years. 535 00:25:27,723 --> 00:25:30,563 The idea is, you cut the trunk, but not completely, 536 00:25:30,763 --> 00:25:33,283 and then bend it over. 537 00:25:33,483 --> 00:25:34,603 Here we go, look. 538 00:25:36,963 --> 00:25:38,243 And he pulls them down. Look at that. 539 00:25:38,403 --> 00:25:39,963 You just go, "Well, you've ruined that," but he hasn't. 540 00:25:40,123 --> 00:25:42,683 They're still attached to the roots. 541 00:25:42,883 --> 00:25:44,563 But it'll now be going that way. 542 00:25:44,763 --> 00:25:47,683 And then you have to find another one to sort of intertwine it with. 543 00:25:48,763 --> 00:25:51,483 And then you've got a living... 544 00:25:51,683 --> 00:25:53,963 Literally a living fence 545 00:25:54,123 --> 00:25:56,603 through which sheep can't pass. 546 00:25:58,283 --> 00:26:00,083 When they get the trunk down to that, you say, 547 00:26:00,243 --> 00:26:01,723 "Well, don't bend that, it's just going to snap." 548 00:26:01,923 --> 00:26:03,443 -[Jeremy] But it doesn't. -[man] No. 549 00:26:03,643 --> 00:26:06,723 [man] Eighty percent is what you want to be looking for. 550 00:26:06,923 --> 00:26:09,083 -Eighty? -Eighty percent cut. 551 00:26:09,283 --> 00:26:11,403 -[Jeremy] You need twenty percent left? -[man] Yeah. 552 00:26:11,563 --> 00:26:12,523 [Jeremy] And twenty percent is enough 553 00:26:12,683 --> 00:26:14,443 -to keep the plant alive? -Yes. 554 00:26:14,643 --> 00:26:17,043 [chainsaw] 555 00:26:22,003 --> 00:26:25,363 [Jeremy] As the hedge-bound managers toiled away, 556 00:26:25,563 --> 00:26:29,483 they were joined by a rival from "Wall Street", and his wife. 557 00:26:30,723 --> 00:26:32,203 -[Jeremy] Hi, Gerald. -Good morning. 558 00:26:32,363 --> 00:26:34,323 -[Jeremy] How are you, Mrs Gerald? -Fine, thank you. 559 00:26:34,483 --> 00:26:35,803 -[Jeremy] This is good, innit? -Yeah, it is. 560 00:26:36,003 --> 00:26:39,683 [Gerald speaking indistinctly] 561 00:26:40,243 --> 00:26:41,123 Yeah. 562 00:26:41,323 --> 00:26:45,563 [Gerald speaking indistinctly] 563 00:26:45,763 --> 00:26:47,963 This, I don't know, I think I'll just... 564 00:26:48,163 --> 00:26:51,923 [continues speaking indistinctly] 565 00:26:52,443 --> 00:26:54,523 That's what I didn't like about the job. 566 00:26:54,723 --> 00:26:56,243 [Gerald's wife laughing] 567 00:26:56,403 --> 00:26:57,563 Well, I'm gonna have a try at this. 568 00:26:58,443 --> 00:27:02,323 [Jeremy] In fact, Kaleb and I both decided to have a try. 569 00:27:02,523 --> 00:27:03,923 Have you noticed again 570 00:27:04,083 --> 00:27:07,523 how we are hitting every single diversity target 571 00:27:07,683 --> 00:27:09,243 that you have to hit on TV these days? 572 00:27:09,883 --> 00:27:13,083 Black, homosexual, transitioning. 573 00:27:14,723 --> 00:27:17,683 -That's what I used. -Which do you want? That one? 574 00:27:17,843 --> 00:27:19,603 I mean, I've gotta have the feel for it. 575 00:27:19,763 --> 00:27:22,483 Why won't it cut... It won't cut through this. 576 00:27:24,643 --> 00:27:28,403 Yeah, that's exactly what I was about to do. Just show me again. 577 00:27:29,803 --> 00:27:30,763 [Kaleb] Don't do it all for him. 578 00:27:30,923 --> 00:27:33,683 [Jeremy] And again. Yeah! 579 00:27:34,163 --> 00:27:36,803 [Jeremy] Having trimmed the branches, on my own, 580 00:27:36,963 --> 00:27:38,883 I switched to the axe... 581 00:27:39,043 --> 00:27:39,923 which went well. 582 00:27:41,603 --> 00:27:43,123 [Jeremy] Oh, God! 583 00:27:43,323 --> 00:27:44,883 [Kaleb] It's thinner. Shall I start at the top 584 00:27:45,043 --> 00:27:46,603 and then come down nicely like that? 585 00:27:46,763 --> 00:27:47,723 [man] Yeah. That's nice. 586 00:27:47,883 --> 00:27:49,683 -[Kaleb] A bit more? -[man] Yeah. 587 00:27:50,523 --> 00:27:51,563 [man] Excellent. Excellent. 588 00:27:52,203 --> 00:27:53,643 [Jeremy groans] 589 00:27:54,083 --> 00:27:55,483 [Jeremy] I've got it. 590 00:27:56,083 --> 00:27:58,683 Jeremy? Are you doing Midland style? 591 00:27:59,843 --> 00:28:02,563 I'm doing a Brazilian, unless I get it wrong, 592 00:28:02,723 --> 00:28:04,763 in which case it's a Hollywood. 593 00:28:06,283 --> 00:28:07,603 You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? 594 00:28:07,803 --> 00:28:10,083 Do you not know what a Brazilian is? 595 00:28:10,283 --> 00:28:12,243 I've never ever seen a Brazilian person. 596 00:28:13,123 --> 00:28:16,803 [Jeremy] Mercifully, we were interrupted at this point by Gerald, 597 00:28:16,963 --> 00:28:19,643 who wanted to inspect my handiwork. 598 00:28:19,803 --> 00:28:20,603 [Jeremy] That looks great, doesn't it? 599 00:28:20,803 --> 00:28:22,603 [Gerald] Dear oh dear. 600 00:28:22,803 --> 00:28:24,843 [Jeremy] But that, that... those... 601 00:28:25,003 --> 00:28:28,483 [Gerald] What a load of shit. I mean... [speaks indistinctly] 602 00:28:28,643 --> 00:28:33,643 Every time you pull out you've gotta try and get the baby between the stumps. 603 00:28:33,843 --> 00:28:36,043 You're never gonna... [speaking indistinctly] 604 00:28:36,243 --> 00:28:40,083 'Cause you're looking at cars and buses and stuff all the time. 605 00:28:40,283 --> 00:28:43,083 You can't mow-- You know, it's like mowing grass. 606 00:28:43,283 --> 00:28:45,163 You go whoof, like that, one hit, and it's all done, innit? 607 00:28:45,363 --> 00:28:46,483 [man] Yeah. 608 00:28:46,643 --> 00:28:48,003 [Gerald laughs] 609 00:28:48,203 --> 00:28:49,843 [upbeat music] 610 00:28:50,043 --> 00:28:54,643 [Jeremy] Having created nothing more than a sodding great gap in the hedge, 611 00:28:54,843 --> 00:28:58,563 Kaleb and I went to see how the experts were getting along. 612 00:28:59,763 --> 00:29:01,643 [upbeat music continues] 613 00:29:07,723 --> 00:29:10,003 -[Jeremy] Holy shit, look at this. -[Kaleb] That is amazing. 614 00:29:10,163 --> 00:29:13,523 [Jeremy] This is absolutely stunning. And this is Dorset? 615 00:29:13,723 --> 00:29:15,283 Birds can nest in this, can't they? 616 00:29:15,443 --> 00:29:17,643 [man] Yes. It's good for wildlife. And butterflies. 617 00:29:17,843 --> 00:29:21,043 Well, I think that's incredible. 618 00:29:22,523 --> 00:29:25,323 [Jeremy] Oh, hello. There's another beauty here, look. 619 00:29:25,483 --> 00:29:27,123 -And that's Midlands? -[woman] Yes. 620 00:29:27,323 --> 00:29:29,203 [Jeremy] Yeah, they made the Austin Allegro and the Morris Marina, 621 00:29:29,363 --> 00:29:30,163 the Midlands. 622 00:29:30,323 --> 00:29:34,923 But they do give us the best hedge. That's a beautiful hedge. 623 00:29:35,123 --> 00:29:37,203 Yeah. Is Midlands Birmingham? 624 00:29:37,403 --> 00:29:40,043 [upbeat music] 625 00:29:40,243 --> 00:29:41,883 [Jeremy] Eventually, the five hours were up. 626 00:29:42,563 --> 00:29:46,403 The fencemakers went off to have lunch in the marquee. 627 00:29:46,603 --> 00:29:51,003 And Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden moved in to start judging. 628 00:29:51,203 --> 00:29:53,163 It's not following the flow of the hedge. 629 00:29:53,363 --> 00:29:55,043 But otherwise, they've done a very good job. 630 00:29:55,723 --> 00:29:57,523 [Jeremy] I did not envy their task, 631 00:29:58,043 --> 00:30:00,523 because the whole length of the field 632 00:30:00,883 --> 00:30:02,923 was now a work of art. 633 00:30:03,763 --> 00:30:06,563 [soft music] 634 00:30:24,443 --> 00:30:27,723 Judging over, it was time for the prizegiving. 635 00:30:28,283 --> 00:30:31,683 Third place in the North Somerset class 636 00:30:31,843 --> 00:30:33,923 is Colin Clutterbuck. 637 00:30:34,323 --> 00:30:36,243 [Jeremy] Well done, Colin. 638 00:30:37,483 --> 00:30:40,963 Second place in the North Somerset, Alex Bown. 639 00:30:42,243 --> 00:30:43,683 [Jeremy] With the runners-up sorted, 640 00:30:43,843 --> 00:30:46,723 Kaleb and I then had to announce the overall winner. 641 00:30:46,883 --> 00:30:49,403 And we were very slick. 642 00:30:50,203 --> 00:30:52,843 Right, so, this is it. The supreme champion. 643 00:30:53,643 --> 00:30:55,003 -Do we know who it is? -[man] Yes. 644 00:30:55,163 --> 00:30:56,523 -I mean, we... -[laughter] 645 00:30:56,683 --> 00:30:59,523 -[man] The supreme champion today... -[Jeremy and Kaleb arguing] 646 00:30:59,683 --> 00:31:01,763 I know, but I need to know the name. 'Cause we... 647 00:31:01,923 --> 00:31:03,003 [man] Paul Gulliford. 648 00:31:03,163 --> 00:31:04,363 [cheers] 649 00:31:05,563 --> 00:31:07,763 He's done it. Congratulations. 650 00:31:07,923 --> 00:31:09,603 Now you're gonna have your local newspaper... 651 00:31:09,763 --> 00:31:10,923 I've gotta come round by you, have I? 652 00:31:11,083 --> 00:31:12,443 You hold that one end. 653 00:31:15,443 --> 00:31:16,723 Thank you all ever so much for coming. 654 00:31:16,883 --> 00:31:18,643 We hope you enjoyed your day 655 00:31:18,803 --> 00:31:21,723 and we hope you enjoy watching yourselves on television. 656 00:31:21,883 --> 00:31:23,083 Well, you will 'cause you won. 657 00:31:23,283 --> 00:31:24,843 Everybody else is being edited out. 658 00:31:25,043 --> 00:31:26,883 [laughter] 659 00:31:29,763 --> 00:31:31,883 [lively music] 660 00:31:33,803 --> 00:31:37,483 [Jeremy] On the Monday after the wonderful hedge-laying weekend, 661 00:31:37,643 --> 00:31:38,963 I went to the farm shop, 662 00:31:39,123 --> 00:31:42,603 because Alan had finished the new roof. 663 00:31:49,203 --> 00:31:50,843 -[Jeremy] Morning, Alan. -[Alan] Morning, Jeremy. All right? 664 00:31:51,003 --> 00:31:53,283 [Jeremy] Good work. You've done a bloody good job. 665 00:31:53,483 --> 00:31:55,203 That's the fastest I've ever seen you move. 666 00:31:55,363 --> 00:31:56,763 -No, it's not. -Yeah, it is. 667 00:31:56,923 --> 00:31:58,483 Yeah, that's bloody quick. 668 00:31:59,003 --> 00:32:01,723 [Jeremy] Alan had also been busy making the shop ready 669 00:32:01,883 --> 00:32:04,843 for the arrival of the fire inspector. 670 00:32:06,123 --> 00:32:08,643 Fire alarm's up there, just if you don't know there's a fire. 671 00:32:08,803 --> 00:32:10,963 And a smoke alarm. "Ah!" Panic, panic. 672 00:32:11,123 --> 00:32:13,243 -Is that the rules? -Yeah, yeah. Listen. 673 00:32:13,443 --> 00:32:15,523 Fire extinguisher's there, in case you wanna put it out. 674 00:32:15,723 --> 00:32:16,923 We had to put a light up there, look. 675 00:32:17,403 --> 00:32:19,843 Emergency light in case it gets dark and we shut at four. 676 00:32:21,163 --> 00:32:24,083 And I put signs on the door in case nobody knows which way to run. 677 00:32:24,283 --> 00:32:25,363 [Jeremy laughs] 678 00:32:25,523 --> 00:32:27,563 [Jeremy] The fire inspector then arrived. 679 00:32:27,763 --> 00:32:29,163 -Jeremy. Nice to meet you. -[Alan] Fire officer. 680 00:32:29,323 --> 00:32:31,603 [Jeremy] And though Alan had been very thorough, 681 00:32:31,803 --> 00:32:35,043 this chap reckoned we could go further still. 682 00:32:35,243 --> 00:32:39,083 I would maybe just suggest some emergency lighting on the outside 683 00:32:39,243 --> 00:32:41,323 to cover any darkness. 684 00:32:41,523 --> 00:32:43,363 I'm sorry, light out here? 685 00:32:43,523 --> 00:32:44,563 Yeah, emergency lighting. 686 00:32:44,723 --> 00:32:48,843 So if it's dark outside and people obviously have to evacuate. 687 00:32:49,043 --> 00:32:51,963 You know it's not a Boeing 747 this? It's just a shop. 688 00:32:52,163 --> 00:32:53,363 [fire officer] Yeah. 689 00:32:55,563 --> 00:32:58,083 [Jeremy] Bottom line, though, the fire inspector was happy 690 00:32:58,603 --> 00:33:02,003 and the roof was how the council wanted it to be. 691 00:33:02,163 --> 00:33:04,563 All we needed now, then, was planning permission 692 00:33:04,723 --> 00:33:08,323 to put down some gravel to make a car park. 693 00:33:09,563 --> 00:33:12,523 [Lisa] Uh-oh. Charlie's got a notepad and pen. 694 00:33:12,723 --> 00:33:14,003 [Jeremy] And a couple of days later, 695 00:33:14,163 --> 00:33:17,323 Charlie dropped round with the planner's decision. 696 00:33:18,323 --> 00:33:20,123 [Jeremy mutters while reading the letter] 697 00:33:20,323 --> 00:33:22,363 "Would not be compatible or consistent in scale 698 00:33:22,523 --> 00:33:24,763 "with the existing farming business..." 699 00:33:24,923 --> 00:33:26,323 -They didn't give us an alternative. -"Visibly intrusive..." 700 00:33:26,523 --> 00:33:28,803 They simply say at the top that the-- 701 00:33:29,003 --> 00:33:32,243 -"Notice." -Oh, "Hereby refuses the application." 702 00:33:32,403 --> 00:33:34,443 [Lisa] They can't refuse the car park, Charlie. 703 00:33:34,643 --> 00:33:35,803 Well, they've refused everything now. 704 00:33:35,963 --> 00:33:38,603 They've refused the restaurant, the car park. 705 00:33:38,803 --> 00:33:40,203 They've just refused everything. 706 00:33:40,403 --> 00:33:43,843 The strange thing about this decision is that this is-- 707 00:33:44,003 --> 00:33:45,283 They've just done this without the committee. 708 00:33:45,443 --> 00:33:46,923 [Charlie] They've done this without committee. 709 00:33:47,083 --> 00:33:49,803 So they haven't asked councillors, they've just decided on their own. 710 00:33:49,963 --> 00:33:52,323 Do you know all planning applications are meant to be treated 711 00:33:52,483 --> 00:33:54,803 in a positive and creative manner? 712 00:33:55,003 --> 00:33:56,643 You know, for farmers, the government policy 713 00:33:56,843 --> 00:34:01,763 is supporting social and economic development, wherever it is, 714 00:34:01,923 --> 00:34:03,723 as long as it's sensitive to the environment. 715 00:34:03,883 --> 00:34:05,203 But we've still ended up with that! 716 00:34:05,363 --> 00:34:06,443 -[Charlie] Yes. -I know. 717 00:34:06,603 --> 00:34:08,203 And we're always going to end up with this. 718 00:34:08,363 --> 00:34:11,083 A council have decided there will be 719 00:34:11,243 --> 00:34:15,723 no more development of any sort at Diddly Squat. 720 00:34:17,483 --> 00:34:19,043 [soft music] 721 00:34:19,203 --> 00:34:21,963 [Jeremy] To get a car park, then, and, more importantly, 722 00:34:22,123 --> 00:34:24,443 a restaurant where we could sell our meat, 723 00:34:24,603 --> 00:34:27,683 we'd have to appeal to the government. 724 00:34:28,243 --> 00:34:30,203 [Jeremy] And you're not really seeing it at its best 725 00:34:30,363 --> 00:34:33,443 'cause you're looking into the sun. But it's a hell of a view, that. 726 00:34:33,603 --> 00:34:35,203 [Jeremy] And to help us do that, 727 00:34:35,363 --> 00:34:38,403 Charlie had finally managed to assemble a team 728 00:34:38,563 --> 00:34:40,723 of legal Avengers. 729 00:34:40,963 --> 00:34:42,963 If you have evidence on footfall, 730 00:34:43,123 --> 00:34:45,123 on usage, on turnover and all that sort of thing 731 00:34:45,243 --> 00:34:48,243 from last year's operation, that's going to be very, very important. 732 00:34:48,803 --> 00:34:50,883 Where's the nearest footpath in that direction? 733 00:34:51,043 --> 00:34:52,923 -There isn't anything. -[Jeremy] There is no footpath. 734 00:34:53,083 --> 00:34:55,883 So the road, the visual receptor would be the road. 735 00:34:56,043 --> 00:34:56,843 Yeah, something like that. 736 00:34:57,043 --> 00:34:59,403 And the building, I take it, was built in accordance with the plans? 737 00:34:59,563 --> 00:35:00,443 -There's no issue about that? -Yeah. 738 00:35:01,923 --> 00:35:04,563 [Jeremy] Once the legal team had assessed the situation, 739 00:35:04,683 --> 00:35:06,843 they laid out their plan, 740 00:35:07,003 --> 00:35:08,883 which was impressive. 741 00:35:09,083 --> 00:35:10,723 [man] So you appeal to the Secretary of State. 742 00:35:10,923 --> 00:35:12,883 The Secretary of State appoints a planning inspector. 743 00:35:13,083 --> 00:35:16,803 We'll be going for a public enquiry, so he convenes a public enquiry 744 00:35:16,963 --> 00:35:18,403 in an appropriate room. 745 00:35:18,563 --> 00:35:21,523 And he hears the evidence, he hears the advocates, he hears the submissions. 746 00:35:21,683 --> 00:35:23,523 We're going to have a landscape bod. 747 00:35:23,683 --> 00:35:26,243 We're going to have a transport bod. 748 00:35:26,483 --> 00:35:28,403 We're going to have a planning bod. 749 00:35:28,563 --> 00:35:30,803 We might have a farm business bod. 750 00:35:31,563 --> 00:35:33,643 So, what's that, four witnesses so far? 751 00:35:33,843 --> 00:35:36,083 -Lighting. -Oh, lighting. 752 00:35:36,243 --> 00:35:39,403 There may be a technical lighting bod involved. 753 00:35:39,563 --> 00:35:42,003 So that's four to five witnesses for us. 754 00:35:42,163 --> 00:35:44,883 We can expect the authority to match those. 755 00:35:45,083 --> 00:35:46,843 We've then got a row of third parties, 756 00:35:47,043 --> 00:35:48,883 who, I mean, someone like Mr Dewar 757 00:35:49,043 --> 00:35:51,683 might decide he'd like to be what's called a Rule 6 party, 758 00:35:51,883 --> 00:35:53,483 which is where he takes a formal position. 759 00:35:53,683 --> 00:35:55,883 He's the one who had the council's opinion, isn't he? 760 00:35:56,043 --> 00:35:56,843 Yeah. 761 00:35:57,003 --> 00:36:00,203 So you can well imagine that he might decide to instruct planners, 762 00:36:00,403 --> 00:36:03,363 landscape bods and turn up as another party. 763 00:36:03,523 --> 00:36:07,483 So we're then looking two to three weeks of enquiry. 764 00:36:07,643 --> 00:36:12,123 [Jeremy] Everything he was saying was leading me to one question. 765 00:36:12,323 --> 00:36:15,483 Broadly speaking, how much does it cost? 766 00:36:15,683 --> 00:36:17,523 I did give a figure to Mark. 767 00:36:17,683 --> 00:36:19,163 Which was? 768 00:36:19,923 --> 00:36:21,883 It was on the basis of a one-week enquiry. 769 00:36:22,083 --> 00:36:24,243 How much would a one-week enquiry be? 770 00:36:24,483 --> 00:36:29,123 Probably around two hundred... to two fifty. 771 00:36:29,243 --> 00:36:31,723 [Jeremy] So a three-week enquiry would be? 772 00:36:31,963 --> 00:36:34,683 There'll be a larger brief for you and then you have more refreshers. 773 00:36:34,883 --> 00:36:36,203 It's going to-- So on that-- 774 00:36:36,363 --> 00:36:37,323 And someone from us. So... 775 00:36:37,483 --> 00:36:39,243 It's going to be £300,000. 776 00:36:39,443 --> 00:36:41,203 If it's that long, yeah. 777 00:36:41,403 --> 00:36:43,043 You talk about 300,000, 778 00:36:43,203 --> 00:36:45,323 there are obviously the consultants' fees. 779 00:36:45,483 --> 00:36:48,483 Because each one's gonna have to produce a proof of evidence, 780 00:36:48,643 --> 00:36:51,803 -various documents go with it... -So that's more? 781 00:36:51,963 --> 00:36:53,123 So more than 300,000? 782 00:36:53,243 --> 00:36:54,923 300,000, that's the legal. 783 00:36:55,083 --> 00:36:58,843 So QC, us, and then the witnesses. 784 00:36:59,003 --> 00:37:00,363 The witnesses are all going to have to be... 785 00:37:00,963 --> 00:37:01,963 [Charlie] It's gonna be half a million. 786 00:37:02,163 --> 00:37:04,363 It is going to be half a million, isn't it? 787 00:37:04,523 --> 00:37:06,323 -When all is said and done. -[man] Yeah. 788 00:37:08,643 --> 00:37:10,123 [sighs] 789 00:37:16,963 --> 00:37:17,883 [sighs] 790 00:37:18,043 --> 00:37:21,123 OK, that's that, then. 791 00:37:21,643 --> 00:37:24,483 You know, with that level of cost, 792 00:37:24,643 --> 00:37:29,003 you know, there's no chance ever of making, you know, a profit. 793 00:37:29,163 --> 00:37:33,723 No matter, you know, how good the business plan is. 794 00:37:33,923 --> 00:37:37,523 Half a million pounds to fund an appeal for the Secretary of State 795 00:37:37,683 --> 00:37:39,083 that we might not even win, 796 00:37:39,203 --> 00:37:40,563 you know... 797 00:37:40,683 --> 00:37:43,323 You know, that's the notion of the restaurant gone. 798 00:37:43,483 --> 00:37:46,883 I just... Actually even I don't know what we should do now. 799 00:37:47,083 --> 00:37:48,403 [dramatic music] 800 00:37:50,203 --> 00:37:53,323 [Jeremy] We're gonna have to live in a murky, grey area 801 00:37:53,483 --> 00:37:56,163 of loopholes and cunning reasons. 802 00:37:56,363 --> 00:37:58,083 You can turn that into something straightaway. 803 00:37:58,243 --> 00:37:59,683 Hold on... 804 00:38:00,403 --> 00:38:02,083 [Charlie] We are allowed to do it. 805 00:38:02,243 --> 00:38:04,323 [Kaleb] Why didn't anybody figure this earlier? 806 00:38:04,483 --> 00:38:05,843 I don't know. 807 00:38:07,883 --> 00:38:09,843 It's clever this. 808 00:38:10,043 --> 00:38:12,243 [upbeat music]