Where do you want these? Well, let's have a think...
The table's here, we've got to sit around it to have lunch,
so maybe you should throw them in the flowerbed.
Very good, Ray, you should write that down.
By the way, your front nearside tyre's bald.
You need to get it replaced. OK.
Have you, uh, sorted your pension out?
Are we really talking about this on my birthday?
Ray!
Haven't you finished yet?
Simon's dad and Melissa will be here soon.
Well, with his help, we'll be done by Christmas.
Those chairs are looking a bit tatty.
Well, it's all we've got,
unless you want me to magic a new set out of my arse.
I need you today, Ray. I really do.
I've been thinking - when I get married, I'd like a gazebo
at my wedding reception.
Why don't you concentrate on getting a girlfriend,
and worry about the awnings later?
Yep. No... Point well made. Stop shouting, David.
Yes. Keep volume nice and low.
Just getting prepared, mate, aren't you? Just in case.
Absolutely.
Love can hit you when you least expect it.
I mean, you don't know, but I might fall in love tomorrow.
I bloody hope not.
You're coming with me to pick a load of plasterboard up tomorrow.
And I'm not marrying you. Ah.
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY Oh...
Everything looks great. Oh, I hope so, Donna.
I've been up since five.
Should be a nice day, shouldn't it? Yes.
To be honest, though...
..I've been on and off the loo all morning.
Oh... Are you OK? Hmm...
I thought I'd had a funny grapefruit.
I'm very sensitive to citrus.
I'm the same with warm orange juice.
It just goes through me like a tap.
Oh... But actually, I think it's nerves.
Larry and I have hardly been in the same room since he left.
Oh, right, yeah, course. Yeah.
Oh, listen to me going on!
I've got to finish this.
What is it? This is my famous egg mayonnaise
with secret ingredient.
I've never, ever told anybody what it is.
Would you like to know what it is, Donna?
Uh, yeah?
Oh. Right, well, I use egg,
mayonnaise, salt, pepper and...
..I use a teaspoon of mustard powder.
Oh, right.
Thank you for that.
Mum's the word. Yeah...
I won't tell a soul.
Do you want me to make the salad?
You're a guest. You can't be making the salad.
No, I want to. Let me.
Y-You... You just relax, Donna.
I'll get you a drink.
I'm all right for a drink, Sue,
I really want to make the salad.
Are you sure I can't get you a drink? What about an orange squash?
Or there's fresh orange in the shed?
Sue, I really want to make the salad.
No... I'm not having it.
SHE CHUCKLES
I'm going to open you a bottle of Shloer. Oh...
It's Simon's 40th. I'd really like to contribute to the day, please.
I'm not having you going back to the mainland and saying that
I let you make lunch. Now, go on! Go on, off you go.
Go on, hop it. Heh!
Hop it!
SHE CHUCKLES
Hop it.
Andre...
It's Sam's birthday today, and we're having a little party
in the garden. So this is a bit inconvenient.
COUGHING
Oh, hello.
This is Sheena. We met in the pub last night. Oh, right...
SHEENA COUGHS Hello, Sheena.
SHE SNIFFS
Hi. SHE COUGHS
She's got the flu.
Oh, dear!
Is it all right if she waits in the car till I finish the work, Ray?
Andre...
The point is... I won £100 in the fruit machine last night.
Did ya? Right...
I promised to take her to the Premier Inn in Newport later... Oh.
..so we can have sex.
Oh, right. Well, look, sorry, but...
..we're in the garden, but you can clear out the back shed.
Right? And just try to stay out of sight.
OK? Thanks, boss. You're welcome.
See you in a bit, Sheena.
SHE REPLIES WEAKLY
SHE GROANS
Sue, please, is there anything I can do to help?
SHE TURNS OFF HOOVER
Oh, sorry. I thought you were Sue.
Oh, no, no. I'm Lyn, Sue's friend from up the road. Oh...
Nice to meet you. You must be Donna. Yeah.
Would you like a little glass of white wine?
Uh, no, no, I'm fine, thanks.
Well, I'm going to have another one.
It is a party after all, isn't it? Oh-ho!
POURING CONTINUES
Sue tells me this is your first time on the Isle of Wight.
Uh, yeah... Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?
I've been here nearly 20 years. Moved here with my husband, Jack,
for his work. He was a prison officer.
Oh, OK. Then he died.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
But then my luck turned, and I found my Ken.
Second love of my life. Oh! Well, that's nice.
Then he died. Oh...
Are you sure you don't want a glass of white wine?
No, no, honestly, I'm fine. Oh! Donna...
You're not too hot, are you? Because I can open some windows.
No, I'm OK. Thanks. Well, you let me know if you want me to... OK.
Oh, Sue. Sue! You'll like this.
I was hoovering...
..and Donna thought I was you!
THEY LAUGH IN HIGH PITCH
Did you, Donna? Yeah.
Oh, Simon! Lyn was hoovering,
and Donna mistook her for me.
Did you? Yeah.
She thought we look similar. THEY LAUGH IN HIGH PITCH
Oh, right... I've never really thought about it.
Oh! Ray!
I was in the hall, and Donna thought I was Sue!
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
She thinks we look similar!
The eagles, as they say, have landed.
Oh! Ray. Ray! They're here.
Come on, darling. Take your time.
All right, Dad?
Oh, bear with us, guys,
Melissia had one too many drinks last night.
She's feeling a teensy bit fragile.
I'm not... Oh, my God. In you go.
HE CHUCKLES
Nice of her to turn up pissed.
HE SIGHS Don't start, Ray...
Hi, everyone. Hi, Sue. Hi, Larry.
Hi...
Oh... Can I get you anything, Melissa?
Oh, Sue, I feel so awful. Oh, no!
I shouldn't really be like this on your birthday, Simon,
I'm really sorry. That's...all right. Don't worry about it.
Is there anywhere she can have a bit of shut eye for five minutes?
Yeah. I just think if I had a little power snoozy,
I would feel so much better.
Oh, well, you can have a little lie-down on the sofa.
No, I don't think so.
Um...
Is there anywhere else that I could go where I could be alone
and in complete darkness?
We could stick you in the chest freezer if you want.
THEY CHUCKLE
Well, she could lie on our bed, couldn't she, Ray...?
Oh, God, Christ, no. God! I don't want to make a scene...
I just... I just feel really nauseous...
Honestly, it's fine.
Do you know what? No. I've got this. I'm going to be fine.
I'm going to be fine. I'll be fine in a bit. Really, I will.
If you want to have a lie down, you have a lie down, darling.
It's OK if she has a lie down, isn't it, Sue? Yes, it's fine.
MELISSA SOBS DRAMATICALLY
David, will you show Melissa up to our bedroom, please?
At your service, milady.
I just want to say, um...
I'm so sorry. I hate making a fuss.
I really do. I hate it. Hate it.
I love you, I love you... Sorry, Simon.
S'all right. Come this way...
I don't drink myself, so I've never actually had a hangover.
But what I famously overindulge in, is Netflix and granola.
SHE SIGHS IN EXASPERATION Thanks...
PAPER RIPS Oh...!
And it's from the exhibition we went to!
I'd forgotten about this! Yeah!
Well, we remembered you liked it, so Ray went back to get it for you.
I love it, thank you!
Now for my present.
I was toying with the idea of giving you a condolence card,
which would've been superb, seeing it's your 40th!
HE LAUGHS
Anyway, here's your present.
Oh, brilliant. Thanks.
Well, let's see what it looks like on.
I could have a guess.
Yeah, let's have a look.
Ooh! That's nice.
That's really nice.
Go on, then, Fonzie. I'll have a milkshake. Ah.
Very funny. Go on, turn round.
No... Come on! I'm not going to turn around.
No, turn round, see if it fits you nice and snug...
No, you can say it as much as you like, I'm not turning round.
Wouldn't make much of a catwalk model, would he, Sue? No!
He looks like a prat. No, joking apart, that's...
It's really lovely.
OK. Thanks.
Would you like some more quiche, Donna?
Oh, no, no, I'm OK, thanks.
You can have some of mine.
Mum, she said she's OK and...there's some left anyway. Oh!
SHE CHUCKLES
Ooh, this is a lovely drop of vino. Is it, Lyn? Yes.
It's... It's as if 100,000 little gooseberries...
..had taken on a whole new lease of life.
SHE CHUCKLES
Does it makes sense? Absolutely. 100%.
Well, it's very nice.
Ooh! Simon...
Tell your dad about your new job. Ooh, spill the beans.
Oh, well, I'm in London now. Been there about six months.
I'm sort of hoping to get some bigger projects, but it's going...
It's going all right. Yeah, it's going well. Oh, it's nice to hear.
Really good. Yeah, and we're going to try and save a bit of money
and get a deposit... Oh, here she comes. Oh, God, she's back.
Are you feeling better, my love? Sorry, Simon.
MELISSIA REPLIES, HE KISSES HER
Come and sit down. Come on. Hi, everyone. Over there. See?
Come and sit here, there you go... I'm OK here? Take it easy.
Sorry. No, it's OK. Just take it nice and easy.
There you go. SHE EXHALES, CHUCKLES
Would you like something to eat, Melissa?
Oh, God, no. Uh, thank you.
No, no, I just...
I just don't think I can eat anything right now.
I can. Pass us the sausages.
Oh, there you are.
Sue, this is lovely.
Oh, thank you, Donna. That's very kind.
Are you OK, darling?
What's troubling you? Hm?
Um, sorry...
Is it OK if we move the egg away from me? Please?
Oh. Is that all right? It's just that I can't stand the
smell of eggs, and I just got a massive whiff of it.
And eggs are, like, literally my worst nightmare. I'm really sorry.
It's OK. We can move the egg. MELISSA GROANS DRAMATICALLY
It's OK to move the eggs, Sue, isn't it?
David, will you move the eggs, please? Oh, uh, yes, yes, of course.
Oh, Christ. I just got another massive...
..whiff of it. It's not your fault.
Oh... Is that better for you now?
Could you put a plate on it, Ray? Is that OK? Then Melissa can't see it.
Sorry, is that all right?
Look, why don't I just pop it in the kitchen
and then I can top everyone up.
Pass it to me.
Thank you, thank you. Oh. I fancied a bit more egg!
But, oh... Don't worry about me.
You OK, darling? Yeah.
Melissa...
Donna knows Anne Hegerty, don't you, Donna?
Uh, not really. I don't know her...
What? Aw, who's Anne Hegerty?
She's in the TV programme The Chase?
The Chase.
Donna used to live next door to her.
It was the next village,
but if you don't know her,
then it doesn't mean anything.
What's up, pal?
Uh, hi, everyone.
I won a bit of money on the fruit machine last night. Oh!
- So I bought you all a chocolate bar. - Aw!
How lovely!
Oh, you shouldn't go spending your money on us, Andre.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you!
Aw! Thank you...
Ooh!
Oh, me too...!
I didn't get you one, cos I don't know you.
Hey, dude, that's not a problem.
What a shame. Nice one, Andre.
And, Sue, thanks for the wardrobe.
Oh, you're welcome. I'm glad it could be put to good use, Andre.
Yeah, I burnt it to heat my caravan.
I got that from John Lewis!
So, how did you two meet, Melissa?
Er...
..um, are we OK to talk about this?
Er, Sue?
That's fine.
Well, let's do it.
OK, all right, erm, so I'm bisexual...
Yeah, so before Larry and I met, I was mostly into women.
I guess I just really like the female form.
But I realised that sexuality
isn't an exact science.
It isn't.
And after years of relationships
with women, I met Larry.
And I was just really surprised and shocked...
..to find him attractive.
Thank you.
Can I get you anything, Donna?
I'm all right, thanks.
So, do you still like women, Melissa?
David, pack it in!
If you want to leave me, I wouldn't blame you.
I'd get out of this family if I could.
Oh, no, that's never going to happen.
Oh, yeah? But it might if your mother doesn't stop fussing over me!
Ooh, you just carry on.
Don't mind me.
All right, Mum.
All right, Simon, out you go.
What? Go on, tell him, tell him, Donna.
Do as your mum says. Oh, right, yeah.
Doo-doo-doo!
Do you want to take the cake out, Donna?
It's all right, you can take it. Oh, no, no, you take it out.
No, you made it, you should take it.
Simon doesn't want me taking it out.
Of course he does. No, you take it out.
OK, I'll take it.
Would you light the candles? Yeah.
Now, just give me a sec, cos I'm going to film it.
# Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you,
# Happy birthday, dear Simon,
# Happy birthday to you!#
Hey, blow, blow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Oh!
What? Oh, it hasn't recorded.
Now, why hasn't that recorded?
Bloody hell, Sue! What?
You've got it on camera!
GROANS
Donna, can we do it again?
I haven't videoed it.
Are you serious, Mum? Yeah, is that OK, Donna?
Yeah, OK. We can't do it again, it's mental.
Oh, we can.
Sorry about this, Melissa.
Right, are you ready, Sue?
Oh, no, hang on, hang on. Yes, ready, Donna.
# Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you,
# Happy birthday, dear Simon, Happy birthday to you.#
CHEERING
Oh, I don't believe it.
What now?
It hasn't recorded again.
Oh, Mum!
Only joking!
LAUGHTER
Ooh!
So, Melissa, how are you liking living on the island?
Erm, well, to be honest,
I'm really struggling.
Oh, no.
Yeah, it's, erm...
..it's hard, it's been hard.
Yeah, I think what Melissa is trying to say
- and I don't want to put words into your mouth, darling -
but she worked in the fashion business for so many years now...
Oh! She's travelled the world a hell of a lot,
so living on the island, she finds a bit...
..claustrophobic. Would I be right in saying that?
Yeah, maybe.
And she's just used to a certain kind of person
with a certain kind of zhuzh!
Yeah, I guess so, yeah.
Anybody want any wine?
No, we've all got one, Lyn.
Well, I'm getting one.
Sorry, Larry, what was that wonderful little word you just used?
Mm? Oh, zhuzh.
That's it. Wonderful. Zhuzh!
Sorry about that, Melissa.
I suppose the island isn't for everybody.
Well, Sue, I suppose sometimes it can seem a little...
..backwards.
No, I've never said that. No, I never said you have.
Yeah, but it sounds like I've said that and now you're making me
come across like a bit of an arse!
No, I'm so sorry, darling, I didn't intend that at all.
Everyone, please, she didn't say that,
she would never say that.
Chardonnay!
We've all got one, Lyn.
So, Ray...
..how long have you lived here?
35 years.
Wow!
That's extraordinary.
Down the hatch!
Dad used to work on the ferries, Melissa.
He was one of their top engineers.
I wouldn't say a top, David.
Well, obviously, you've travelled more than I have, Ray.
Back and forth to Portsmouth ten times a day.
SHE LAUGHS
Cheeky one!
Lovely, lovely stuff.
And you've never, ever wanted to live anywhere else?
No, no - we love it, don't we, Suzie?
Oh, yes, the Isle of Wight is our own version of Paradise.
I hope you don't mind me saying this,
and I mean, I know it was a long, long, long, long time ago,
but you and Larry,
you just strike me as such an odd couple.
Oh...
Huh?
Yeah, I mean, I just can't imagine you being together.
Humph.
Mm, yes, yes.
A definite hint of aggressive lemon peel.
I'll just clear away the plates.
I'll help you. Thank you.
Sorry we have to go, but we're meeting up with some
of Melissa's friends later for a drink.
Oh, well, nice to see you both. Yeah.
Well, good to see you, Donna.
Bye. Look after this one - he needs it!
Yeah.
Mustn't leave it so long next time, eh?
No, you should pop over to ours at some point.
Yeah, what I mean is we're going to San Fran at the end of the summer,
and I'm sure we can sort something out.
Yeah, that'd be great, yeah. Larry? Yeah.
Bye. Bye, Dad.
Andre, step back from the car.
Yeah. That's a good lad.
What's that? That's the dead rats!
Oh, Jesus Christ! Found them in Ray's shed.
SIGHS
Mum? What?
Well, what did that mean?
I don't know why your dad bothers turning up.
Well, at least he did. Well, as usual, it's all about him.
Well, and her! Not now, Mum, please.
What's going on? Nothing. Can you stay out of it?
Suzie? We're just talking about Larry.
Oh, right, well, you know what I think about him.
Well, here we go, this should be good. Oh, I'm sorry.
can't I have an opinion in me own house?
Everything all right? Yes, everything's fine, Donna, love.
Can I get you a glass of Shloer? No, I'm OK, thank you.
Oh, no, go on, let me get you a glass. Mum, she said she's OK.
Can you stop fussing, please?
Have a bit of respect for your mother.
Well, why don't you have a bit of respect for me dad?
You've been digging at him all afternoon.
I have, and I wouldn't piss on him if he was alight!
Oh, Ray, stop it. Well, when's he going to wake up?
We all know he's not going to visit him.
You love making me feel uncomfortable, don't you?
For goodness' sake, both of you.
You don't even try and get on with my dad, do you?
At least he makes an effort.
He makes an effort?! He didn't want to even come today.
Ray! What are you on about?
He told me he got tickets for the Goodwood races and he got all
Bolshie when I told him he should be here to celebrate your 40th.
You're enjoying this, aren't you?
I'm just telling you, that's your dad for you, Simon.
I'm going home. Good - about time!
And I know you're making Mum sell the house and I know
she doesn't want to, but it's all about you, Ray, isn't it?
Shut up, Simon!
Are you going to tell him, Dad?
What?
He should know.
What should I know?
Doesn't matter? No, you said it now.
What do I need to know, David? What do I need to know?
He's been having some tests on his heart.
What?
They think he's got the beginning of heart disease.
How long have you known, Ray?
I've gone a bit downhill since Christmas, if I'm honest.
But, I mean, I'm 72, and that's what happens.
None of us are getting any younger.
No, but you've got an appointment, haven't you, love?
Next month on the mainland with the top specialist.
He's one of the best. He'll open me up, have a rummage round
and then put me back to normal.
Well...
..why didn't you tell me?
We didn't want to spoil your weekend, son.
That's why we're moving, love, Ray needs to be closer to the shops,
it'll be easier for him.
Sue! I've found a bottle of fizzy in the kitchen!
Anyone want a drop?
The old pisshead's drank half of it!
I'm sorry, Ray, I didn't mean what I said.
Ah...
..it's just water under the bridge.
I want us to get on.
Well, miracles do happen.
Oh, yeah,
I'm thinking of asking Donna to marry me.
That's great.
That's good.
You've got a good 'un there.
Yeah.
So has she.
MUSIC STARTS
Do you fancy a dance?
Piss off!
Don't Stop by Fleetwood Mac
# If you wake up and don't want to smile
# If it takes just a little while...
Oi! Simon!
No, no, no, no! Oh, yeah!
Come on! No, no!
Have a dance with your old mother!
Go on, have a dance with your mum!
Woo!
Hasn't it been a lovely day?
It's been a wonderful day.
# Yesterday's gone...#
There's something I need to say to you.
What's that? Fire away!
Er...
..if er...
..if you're ever feeling lonely...
..I'm just down the road.
Ooh! Oh!
OK.
That's very good of you.
I'm serious.
Thank you.
Do you want a drink?
Do you want me to take a photo of you all?
Yeah!
Donna, you've got to be in it, because you're part of the family.
Oh, I'll put it on timer then.
Oh, yes, quick, everybody.
Er, Simon, before you go, do you think we can get together for a few
hours and go through your pension plan I've got for you?
Have a day off, Dad!
# All I want is to see you smile
# If it takes just a little while
# I know you don't believe that it's true
# I never meant any harm to you
# Don't stop thinking about tomorrow
# Don't stop, it'll soon be here
# It'll be better than before
# Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone...#