- We're still on the ferry, Mum. - How come? Because it's
a 45-minute crossing and you only phoned 15 minutes ago.
Where's he driving from the ferry? Tell him to go via Afton,
not Norton Green. Ray says to go via Afton.
Yeah, I heard him. We're not going that way. It takes longer.
No, it doesn't! Ray's shaking his head. He says it doesn't.
Give me the phone, Sue.
You there, Simon? No, I've thrown myself overboard.
When you get to Yarmouth, go via Afton, not Norton Green.
It'll be quicker. No, it won't. It takes longer.
No, it doesn't! Yes, it does!
Listen, I've lived on the island for 35 years.
Well, you should know your way round the place, then, shouldn't you?
Will you just listen to me for once and go via Afton?
I'm handing you back to your mother. Oh!
Hello, love. Is Donna there? Yeah.
You have a go.
Hello, Sue? Hello, Donna.
Donna, I can't sign in to me iPad.
Oh. OK, er, it's probably your password.
What's your password?
It's shitpipe17.
Don't look at me like that! Andre set it up.
Mum, can we sort this out when we get there?
OK, love, yeah. Drive carefully.
Yeah. Bye. Bye! Bye-bye!
Did he say he'd go via Afton?
Why does your mum always think I work in IT? I've no idea.
I've put it on a long list of things
I do not understand about that woman.
SHE CHUCKLES Come on, then.
# Oh, get me away from here, I'm dying
# Play me a song to set me free
# Nobody writes them like they used to
# So it may as well be me
# Here on my own now after hours... #
You're definitely going to split up with me after this weekend.
Probably. No, I'm serious. Mum and Ray are going to do your head in.
PHONE RINGS Speak of the devil.
Hello, Mum? We're five minutes away.
Quick question. Can you ask Donna if she likes raw carrot?
Do you like raw carrot?
Yes, thanks, Sue. Yes, she does, Mum.
Oh, thank God. Donna does like raw carrot, Ray.
What are you on about?
I'll see you when you get here, love. Bye! OK. Bye, Mum.
Bye!
SIMON CHUCKLES
Just missed the turning for Afton.
Oh, right. Well, you know, that's the kind of bloke I am, Donna.
If I want to go via Norton Green, I'm going to go via Norton Green.
Oh, you're so butch. I know. It's about time you bloody noticed.
# Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
# From where I'm sitting, rain falling against the lonely tenement
# Has set my mind to wander
# Into the windows of my lovers
# They never know unless I write... #
HORN TOOTS
Hello, Mum. Hello, love!
DONNA CHUCKLES
Hello, Donna. Hiya, Sue. Welcome to the island!
DOG BARKS
Oh, Peanuts! I'm sorry. Well, she wets herself when she gets excited.
I have the same problem with her, Mum.
I don't doubt that for a second!
These are for you, Sue. Oh, they're lovely!
Did you go via Afton? Er, no. No.
Well, that's why you're late. Not late, are we?
Look at these! Well, they'll need to go in the lean-to
cos of me lips. Ohhh! Yeah.
Well, you weren't to know, Donna.
These'll give Ray a runny nose and big lips.
Hello, Donna. Welcome to the island.
Hello, Ray. Nice to see you.
How's me favourite stepson?
I'm good. How are you, Ray?
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Do you want to park your car in front of mine?
Er, I'll just leave it there. It's been a long drive.
Just pop it in front of mine.
Right. I'll clean it for you later. You don't have to.
I'll hoover the inside, as well.
ENGINE STARTS
Ray went into Totland this morning, Donna,
and got you a block of lard. Oh, thanks... Yeah.
We noticed when you came to visit you didn't have any.
Ooh! Now, would you kids like to have lunch inside or outside,
Donna?
Er, I don't mind.
Oh, well, it might be nice to have it outside.
You don't think it's too hot to eat gala pie in the garden?
Maybe. Hmm...although we might regret it if we have it inside.
Let's eat in the garden, then.
Yeah.
What about the midges? Oh, well, let's eat inside, then.
Although the midges don't really bother me and Ray.
Well, let's eat outside, then, Mum! Yeah. It seems a shame
when you've come all this way.
Right, Ray, change of plan.
The kids want to eat outside now. Ah! I thought they would.
Yeah, make up your mind, Donna!
Bloody hell! Is that you?
Yeah, that was my storing-food-in-my-cheeks phase.
Fair play to your mum for not lobbing you into the sea at birth.
Oh, the eagles have landed! Hello, pal. How are you?
Yeah, good. Erm, you remember my stepbrother?
Yeah. Hello, David. Hello, Donna. Oh, wow.
Nice shoes.
Oh, thanks. They're just plimsolls.
No, absolutely. That was a bit much, wasn't it?
Rein it in, David! DONNA CHUCKLES POLITELY
So, how are you, David? I'm good, I'm good.
I lost my job, but, er, you know, it's probably for the best.
Oh! Why, what happened? Well, to a large extent,
for some reason, working on ferries,
specifically the ones I've worked on,
and I think there should be a documentary made
about this - bullying occurs.
No-one wants to hear about this again, David.
Well, I'm sorry, Dad, but comments were made about the length
of my trousers. I was ostracised by the other cafeteria staff.
And on top of that, I had my coffee sweetener stolen.
And I said to the captain, "It's not lost. It's stolen."
Me and David shared this room.
Wow. What was that like?
Yeah, he chatted A LOT.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Oh! Is this all right for you, Donna? Yeah, it's great. Right.
Well, there's a spare duvet under there, and I've emptied
these drawers out for you. Brilliant. Thanks.
Well, I'll get out of your hair, let you get settled. - Thanks.
Oh, I'll just quickly plug this air purifier in for you, Donna.
Do you want me to put your suitcase in the loft?
Er, no, we're all right.
Ray? No, we're all right.
Are you sure? Yeah, we're fine.
Fair enough. Well, give us a shout
when you want me to put it up there.
We don't want to put them in the loft.
Right. If you say so.
Right, I think that's about it. SHE CHUCKLES
Oh, Donna, do you need any washing doing?
No, it's OK, thanks.
Oh! You won't need that! SHE LAUGHS
Ohhh!
Oh, right, do you need anything else? No, we're fine, thanks, Mum.
Well, I'll let you get on with it. Ooh!
We've got a new paper shredder!
Oh! Cool.
I'll be going.
DOOR CLOSES
I'm so glad you've come over for your birthday.
Oh, well, thanks for having us, Mum.
I can't believe my little boy is going to be 40.
HE LAUGHS
Where does the time go, eh?
They're really sweet.
Ooh!
SHE SIGHS HAPPILY
Ooh!
HE URINATES
TOILET FLUSHES
Come and have some food, Mum. Yeah, come on, Sue,
come and sit down.
Pass us the piccalilli, David.
Absolutely.
Stop shouting, please. Yep. No, keep volume to a reasonable level.
So, are you living here now? Er, yes.
Dad's been very generous and patient and has allowed me
to stay here until I'm back on my feet.
Well, you've got a month, and then you're out on your arse.
There's only so much wittering a man can take, Donna.
Sossies! Sausages!
Eat up, everybody.
Oh, my God.
Everything all right, Mum?
What's she doing now?
Napkin rings!
At least we can all relax now.
Thank you.
How's your mum, Donna?
Yeah, good.
How's your dad, Donna?
Good, thanks. Lovely. Give them my love.
Bloody hell, Suse, you're talking as if you know 'em.
You've never even met 'em!
Are you too hot, Donna?
No, I'm...I'm fine, thanks.
Do you want to go in the shade, love? Oh! Oh, yes, I think so.
Move yourself a little to the left, then.
Mum doesn't know if she's sitting in the shade or not.
Am I in the shade now?
No, no. Just a bit more.
Now?
A bit more.
Now? Now you're in. Oh, yeah, that feels better.
Don't know if you're in the shade or not, do you, Mum?
No, I've never been able to tell
where the sun ends and the shade begins, Donna!
A worry, isn't it? No, it isn't! Slap him for me, Donna.
Everybody enjoying their gala pie?
- Yeah. Yeah, it's lovely. - Very good.
If this recipe was online, I'd give it a digital kiss.
Oh, David, that's a lovely thing to say.
What's that you're eating there, David?
Sweetcorn niblet pie.
David's a vegetarian, but he doesn't really eat vegetables.
You live on cereal, don't you, David? Absolutely.
A big bowl of granola drenched in full-fat, lactose-free milk
is my crack cocaine.
Would you like some more gala pie?
No, I'm fine, thank you. Not that little bit?
Honestly, I'm full. Oh, go on, eat it.
It'll only go to waste.
You met anyone famous lately, David? Erm, yes, I have.
I met Clare Balding at the Medina Centre back in April
and Dan Walker at the Southampton Boat Show.
He's a creationist, you know. Oh, is he?
David likes to have his photo taken with celebrities.
Oh! Erm, have you met anyone else?
Well, next month I'm popping over to the Bournemouth International Centre
to see if I can get a selfie with Gladys Knight and the Pips.
- Ooh! - I think it's high time
you left these celebrities alone.
I've seen the photos, and they look very, very wary of you.
VERY wary.
SUE CHUCKLES
Oh, yeah, Mum, why is there a bread knife in the downstairs loo?
It's for David.
Can we just leave it there?
All right.
Erm, as Susie was saying, I don't eat enough vegetables or grains.
Like, sometimes the flush isn't powerful enough, so it just needs
a bit of persuasion. You know, chopping up.
Oh, God!
More gala pie, Donna?
Oh! Andre, love!
- I've pruned the roses, boss. - Good lad. Andre,
would you like some quiche, love?
I don't know, really.
I don't usually like your food, Sue.
Oh.
Well...help yourself, then.
That's horrible.
I can't believe they reckon it's going to rain later.
Oh, it won't rain. It's lovely!
Do you want to stop for a breather, love? Please, love.
Where's that over there?
- That's Tennyson Down. - Round the corner
there, past those chalky bits over the Solent,
that's Lymington, where they filmed Howards' Way.
Can we go one day without you mentioning that bloody programme?
Sorry. I was just so fond of that series.
Donna, do you want to see this trick?
Peanuts, sit. Good. Sit.
Now howl for Donna.
SUE HOWLS
SUE AND RAY HOWL
PEANUTS HOWLS
THEY ALL CONTINUE HOWLING
Good girl. Good girl! Yeah! Isn't she clever, Donna?
Yeah, she certainly is. Yeah, I think a better trick might be
to teach her not to piss on people's shoes, Mum.
SIMON LAUGHS
Oh! This is the spot where we want our ashes scattered.
Oh, I don't want to talk about this now, Mum.
Oh, well, you have to, you know, because you never know what's going
to happen. I mentioned it to your mum about scattering them in the
Solent, but she said no because she can't swim. Well, I can't!
SIMON LAUGHS
Oh, man! What? Don't you dare, Ray. What's going on?
I'm not having this again.
Come on, Peanuts.
Ray, what are you doing?
Ray says this is a right of way, so he doesn't see why
we should have to walk round.
SHE SIGHS Mum!
Sorry. I should probably...
Excuse me?
It's that little prat from the village again.
What are you doing?! Sorry. So sorry.
Sorry. Oh, sorry. Sorry about this.
What is your problem, mate?
Come on, let's get out of here.
At least the cricket match'll be rained off. That's the spirit, Ray,
live and let live. DAVID: Good job we brought these umbrellas,
isn't it, Simon? We'd have been absolutely soaked.
HORN TOOTS
Is that Dad?
Hey, Simon! Hi, Dad.
Hi, Sue. Hi, Larry.
This is Melissa, everyone.
Hi. Hi. Hi, everyone. Great to meet you.
This is my son, Simon.
Oh, wow! Simon! Yeah, this is Donna.
Hello. Hey, Donna. Nice to meet you at long last.
Where have you been hiding this one, Simon? Er...
Have you dyed your hair, Dad? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was my idea.
Embarrassing. Looks great, doesn't it?
I have. Do you like it?
- I love it. - Oh, superb.
Congratulations!
Yeah, it's very nice, Larry.
Yeah, it's great. Yeah, so far so good.
You know, I've had a lovely reaction from everyone I've met.
I just don't think you should have been grey. I mean, who does?
You know, it just made his face look so old.
Melissa wanted me to have a full head of, you know, darker hair.
Yeah. Oh, and we're getting that varicose vein seen to
in the new year. Again, congratulations.
You don't have to tell everyone, darling.
Isn't that a dangerous procedure? No, no. Basically, they just heat up
the leg until the vein collapses.
Yeah, they said it might hurt a little. I'll have to wear
a big stocking for a month. Yeah, but it'll be so worth it.
Yeah, of course it'll be worth it! Yeah, it'll be worth it. Worth it.
- No pain, no gain. Yeah. - Well, I wish you all the best
with your endeavours. Simple as that. Oh, thank you!
That's really sweet.
All right, Larry, we should go. Oh, yes.
Erm, hey, listen, it's been a real pleasure. Yeah.
Lovely to meet you, Donna. And you.
Oh, you are still coming to Simon's birthday lunch, aren't you,
on Sunday?
We should go.
Of course we are! What time?
Well, we said about one. Excellent, with bells on.
OK, goodbye, everyone. Bye now.
Bye, Dad. Bye, Melissa.
Bye now. Bye. See you Sunday.
I'm not saying anything. Can we just go? I'm bursting.
Your dad's in better nick than you are. Oh, thanks very much.
Do you know he's got a tattoo of a skull on his shoulder blade? Has he?
Yeah. You don't seem that surprised.
You're like two peas in a pod, you two.
THEY LAUGH
What did you think of his new girlfriend?
Oh, yeah, lovely, yeah. Yeah, really nice. Really unpretentious.
Just the sort of person you want coming to your birthday.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
Yeah, let's hope it will be.
You all right, mate?
Oh, sorry. I'm just afraid of birds getting in here.
What? I don't like it when birds come through the door.
Has that happened? Oh, yes. It's very disorientating.
And it's a double threat, because they drop their faeces everywhere.
And last time, I got incredibly ill. Sorry, what are you on about?
I was given the bacteria virus campylobacter
by a garden wren, Simon. SIMON LAUGHS
Now, you may mock, but it saw an opportunity
and managed to squeeze its way in. I had a rolled-up copy
of the Radio Times, and Dad had a rolled-up copy of the County Press,
and we finally managed to guide it out.
So, as you can imagine, I'm keen not to experience that again.
TV ON QUIETLY
SNIP Good heavens! That's a thick one.
SNIPPING CONTINUES Oh, bloody hell.
Why don't you cut your own toenails, Ray?
Cos Sue does it better than me.
And it turns me on!
Oh, how lovely...
Oh, Donna, can you pass me that little Tupperware container, please?
Thank you, Donna.
SUE HUMS A CHEERFUL TUNE
# Fiddle-ee-dee Diddle-dee-dee... #
Go on, you naughty thing! SHE CHUCKLES
SHE CONTINUES HUMMING
Ooh, you'll be doing this for him in a few years, Donna.
DONNA CHUCKLES Trust me, I won't.
Oh! What time do you normally go to bed, Donna?
Erm... I dunno, about half ten?
That's the time we'll all go to bed, then.
No, no. We don't have to. No, no.
What are you watching, David?
Oh, I'm on Google Maps, just having a look round Hollywood.
Oh, right.
It's a fascinating place.
Ha! I've just turned into Hugh Hefner's street.
My word, there are so many cars parked on his driveway!
He's not blessed, is he, that Andy Murray?
He's like his mother, his neck's as thick as his head.
Oh!
How much do them Wimbledon winners get paid?
Why, are you thinking of entering, Ray?
SHE LAUGHS
Siri, how much do Wimbledon winners get paid?
Let me think. Here's what I found on the web
for "How much do Wimbledon winners get paid?"
£2 million?! That's amazing, Susie.
And the women get paid the same as the men,
which doesn't make sense, because they're not as good.
And they only play three sets. Well, that's because they bring in
the same amount of audience, isn't it?
We don't watch the women, do we, Sue? No.
To be honest, Donna, I don't like the ones who grunt.
Mum, do you know you say Donna's name a lot?
Do I? Yeah, at the end of a lot of your sentences.
Doesn't matter. I've not noticed her saying, "Donna."
Well, I have, that's why I brought it up. Honestly, it's fine.
I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
Oh, do you, Ray? It's not like you to have an opinion.
Simon! You didn't seem to mind what Susie said
when we gave you our old car last year.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, look at the state of it!
Hey, now's not the time, Ray. Sorry, what's your point?
When we give it to you, it were spotless. Now look it.
All that crap in the footwells. That's the problem with you, Simon,
you don't know how to look after things. What are you on about?!
That car was a present, and you've turned it into a dustbin.
In fact, we feel quite disrespected. Well, if I'm not looking after it
to your standard, you can have it back, if you want.
Oh, stop it, the pair of you!
Honestly, Donna, they're like oil and water - they just don't mix.
Oh, I've said Donna again.
Oh, for God's sake, you and Ray are a bloody nightmare sometimes.
Well, getting Mum to cut his toenails?
What does he think he is, a parrot? Can you just rise above it, please?
I'm here as well, so it affects me. Ohhh...
Oh! God, this bed is so uncomfortable.
It's like lying on a cattle grid.
I don't think my dad remembered it was my birthday this weekend.
Do you fancy going into Ventnor tomorrow? We could look at some of
those knick-knack shops that you hate.
Oh, great, yeah, I'll look forward to that.
DONNA CHUCKLES
THEY SIGH CONTENTEDLY
Mmm...
KNOCK ON DOOR
Hello?
KNOCKING CONTINUES
Can you deal with this? Otherwise I'll head-butt someone. God!
Hello, Donna. I just wanted to say, you don't
have to get up early in the morning. Stay in bed as long as you like!
Oh, OK, thanks. But we'll still be getting up at six. OK.
But we won't have breakfast till you come down.
No, no, if you're hungry, have breakfast.
We'll grab something when we get up.
Yeah, we'll grab something. No, no, no, no, no. No.
We'll wait for you. Now, have you got enough pillows?
Er, yeah, thanks. Yeah. Are you sure you wouldn't like
a couple off our bed? No, don't worry, we're fine.
I'll get you a couple, just in case.
Oi! Why are you taking me pillow?
Ray, will you put your pyjama bottoms on?!
There you are, Donna. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
No, thanks. OK, right. Well, I'll say goodnight, then.
Goodnight. Goodnight, Giuseppe!
SHE KISSES
Night, Mum. Come to bed, you daft cow!
Simon and Donna are going to bed!
Goodnight! Goodnight!
Oh, it's like Piccadilly Circus! G'night, Donna.
G'night. Goodnight, David.
Goodnight. Night, Dad. Go to bed, David!
Absolutely! Stop shouting, David!
Night-night! Night.
Night-night.
Why's your mum got a paper shredder?
She does a lot of secret work for the Ministry of Defence, you know,
between keep fit and the craft club.
DONNA LAUGHS Oh!
SIMON SIGHS
Are you all right?
Yeah. You?
Are you sure? Yeah. Why?
Not too mental for you, are they?
Oi!
SHE LAUGHS I'm loving it.
Mm. I thought you might. Yeah. Goodnight, Giuseppe.
HE LAUGHS Yeah, goodnight.
TOILET FLUSHES
Oh!
OWL HOOTS
Susie?!
Any idea where the bread knife is?
# Oh, get me away from here, I'm dying
# Play me a song to set me free
# Nobody writes them like they used to
# So it may as well be me
# Here on my own now after hours
# Here on my own now on a bus
# Think of it this way
# You could either be successful or be us
# With our winning smiles... #