Your comrades will be men who need only one order,
go, kill, return, go again.
We're going to be taking a guest with us.
His first name is Randolph, his second name is Churchill.
So, you're going to just drive into Benghazi and plant explosives?
I'm now 25.
So what will you say to your father when we get back to London?
I will say, holy, holy.
I have 20 of the toughest,
finest paratroopers in the French Army under my command.
Company, follow monsieur.
Paddy, perhaps you would like to inspect your men.
You are a German in a Frenchman's uniform.
Expect to be isolated by my contempt.
- I am German too. - Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Deutsch.
This is Aspirant Halevy.
He speaks German as well. He is Jewish
I am a hand grenade, sir.
Pull the pin, throw me where the enemy's most numerous.
And how is Dudley Clarke responding to all the glory?
It seems he's inpatient for your destruction.
We are apparently the talk of Cairo.
I'm going to ask GHQ for jeeps,
Vickers machine guns, explosives, more men.
Now is our moment.
Based on a true story,
the events depicted which seem most unbelievable
are mostly true.
CIARO JUNE 1942
Following the defeat of army
in the western desert battle and the fall of Tobruk,
disappointment,
another defeat after so many defeats.
With Egypt, the naval base of Alexandria,
all that stands in the middle.
Malta is our last hope of fighting back in the Mediterranean.
If Malta falls... Africa is lost.
Can't be relied upon to do it yourself.
And besides, some of the infected places would be very difficult for you to reach.
I don't want you going into any of those places.
You go nowhere the sunlight does not go.
Unfortunately, in the desert the sun goes everywhere and the sand.
It's the grit that does the damage.
Oh, god.
Do you remember collapsing?
I remember hearing Tobruk had fallen and then I fell.
And I remember getting very drunk. And dancing at the Empire Club.
You were leaning not dancing.
You stood on the table and told everyone you loved me.
Dear God.
Love?
Oh, I do apologise.
It must've been the whisky.
It was delirium, sunstroke,
deep tissue infections accumulated during three months in the deep desert
without a break.
While I was delirious, I had this rather mad delusion
that should officially confirm that you are my girlfriend.
Officially?
As if it were a military rank.
Quite. And as my temperature rose,
I thought I might propose marriage.
- But, in the cold light of day... - It's never cold in the day in Cairo.
Well in the light of day I suppose it would be rather odd
to propose to a woman whilst she removes puss
from open wounds in your infected groin.
If that is rather odd, I'd hate to see very odd.
Well very odd would be me talking about the subject at all, Eve, but
if I were to propose...
If you were to propose,
I would remind you that there is a war going on which we are losing.
I have nothing else on my mind.
You need to be on top form for your meeting with your Prime Minister.
Try not to walk like a duck.
Turn over for me.
Absolutely not.
No, no. No!
BRITISH EMBASSY CAIRO
Julius Caesar.
Act one scene... two.
"Let me have men about me that are fat."
"Sleek headed men, and such as sleep o' nights."
"Yon Cassius has a lean and hungry look."
"He thinks too much. Such men are dangerous."
Come on, Winston.
Next line.
"Fear him not, Caesar. He is not dangerous,"
"he is a noble Roman and, well given."
"He reads much, he is a great observer"
"and he looks quite through the deeds of men."
You are Major David Stirling.
I Detachment SAS, sir.
This is the famous Phantom Major.
This is Field Marshal Jan Smuts, Prime Minister of South Africa.
And General Auchinlek... you know.
You were walking in a little awkwardly, Stirling.
- Have you been wounded? - No, I.
I have desert sores all over my cock.
Most crucially,
I have one four inches up my arse.
ROGUE HEROES
Can I pinch a light?
Sorry. I've been in the desert a long, long time.
One loses propriety very quickly.
When my son reported back to me about you,
he quoted Lord Byron.
"He is the mildest manner'd man"
"whoever scuttled the ship or cut a throat."
We are a band of oddities, gentlemen and pirates.
I brought you into the garden to tell you that now more than ever,
your new brand of warfare is needed.
Auchinlek has been too cautious.
Tobruk has fallen, Rommel's now 50 miles outside of Alexandria.
Malta is our last remaining hope
for controlling the Mediterranean
and supplying our North Africa armies.
Now, Malta is still under siege
and it's been hammered and hammered,
but it has not surrendered.
My wish
is that the Island of Malta be saved.
I intend
to send two convoys of relief supplies
from Gibraltar and Alexandria.
These convoys must get through.
And what exactly would you like me to do?
I want you to not ask that question.
Do whatever you think best to achieve this goal.
You have a free hand
from Tripoli to Greece.
To Greece?
I have told General Auchinlek that the whole of the south Mediterranean coast
is now your remit.
If you succeed,
I will recommend to Army Council that the SAS become a regiment.
Not a phantom regiment, but a real one
with you as commanding officer.
Yes, sir. It...
- That would be... - It would be what?
I would be achieving what I set out to achieve, sir.
Now, exactly how serious
is your cock and arse condition?
It's... it's nothing that kind hands and iodine cannot resolve.
Well then, we must set you to work straight away.
- What will you need? - I will need your autograph, sir.
My autograph?
A souvenir to remember the day.
Of course.
My autograph.
- Do you have a pen? - Yes.
General Auchinlek.
Prime Minister.
Stirling would like your autograph. He wants your signature.
A souvenir of the day.
Sir, a blank sheet of paper signed by the two of us could be used for...
Just sign it, General.
Thank you.
Stirling.
Forget the etiquette of war.
Do whatever it takes.
Prime Minister, I hope you know what you're doing.
Of course I know what I'm doing.
I'm letting slip the dogs of war.
Bloody hell.
I'm gonna shoot the wee ball bag.
Oh, for fucks sake.
Well, well, well.
Nice 'tache.
Is this Agincourt or Orleans?
It's Orleans, sir.
And I'm afraid the game is over.
I have new instructions from Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
Go to the mess hall and take off all your clothes.
E'are boys. Winston wants to see your winkies.
Firstly,
I have asked you all to stand naked because this gentleman is a doctor,
Doctor Gamal.
He is a man I've known for a very long time and whom I trust implicitly,
even when he's high out of his head on his own laughing gas.
He is very discreet.
Go on.
I've brought him here from Cairo to make sure you men are all fit and ready
for what lies ahead.
The first task I have given him
is to inspect you all for desert sores
and open ulcers which many of you have
and conceal as I once did.
So we need you all to be fit
because, gentlemen,
our moment of truth has come.
- Dear God, man. - I'm sorry, sir.
That's no desert sore, doctor, I can hear Dave at night.
I'm sorry, sir.
We are about to embark on a mission
from which I would estimate one third of us will not return.
In 48 hours, two convoys are taking supplies to Malta.
Hitler will throw every plane he has at them.
Our job is to destroy as many of those planes on the ground as we can
before those convoys set sail.
We are going to simultaneously attack six airbases
along the Mediterranean coast.
From Benin a, in the west,
to Heraklion, in the east.
- Yes, Paddy? - What business do we have in Crete?
Our sphere of operation has expanded.
- And how the fuck do we get to Crete? - In a submarine.
And how the fuck are we gonna get a submarine?
I've already got a fucking submarine.
As well as 50 extra jeeps to go with the 50 already promised,
which will all fitted with Vickers heavy machine guns
and bulletproof windscreens taken from fighter planes.
We also have 20 new trucks,
Beretta submachine guns adapted for sand conditions,
replacement engines for all our vehicles with cooling systems.
And just wait until you see what the twin Vickers can do.
And the good wishes of the King via the Commander in Chief
of British Forces North Africa.
But firstly, whose cock did you suck in Cairo, sir?
Right, those of you with ribbons go with Doctor Gamal,
he will remove the infected flesh with a toothbrush.
When you are brushed, bandaged up,
pumped full of pain killers, amphetamines and sulphur,
we will begin our glorious expansion.
Yes!
Hands up.
God almighty.
From here on in, I'm going to keep my toothbrush on me at all times
so that Doctor Gamal doesn't get to it first.
Six targets.
Who's going where?
Well, Paddy, you will take Berka satellite airfield number one.
While Zirnheld, you will take Berka satellite airfield number two
so that you can compete with one another
for most number of planes destroyed.
Captain Berge,
you will board the submarine Triton
and travel to the Gulf of Malia off the coast of Crete.
You will be met by Captain Alexander Norton.
Together you will attack the airstrip at Heraklion.
Who will take Derna and Martuba?
They're 190 kilometres behind German lines.
You will take Derna and Martuba.
Intelligence have provided us with a stolen German truck.
Yes, and I have offered the services of Bruckner and Essner,
our two native Germans.
- Essner? - Yes, Essner.
What is it, Paddy?
If it were me crossing front lines into German territory with...
Sergeant Essner,
I would keep a Colt .45 revolver in very close proximity
to the back of his head at all times.
- I know my men. - Nobody can know nobody.
- Nobody can know everybody. - Nobody can know everybody.
Not bad, Paddy.
I mean look at my friend here
before he left for Cairo he was like a pirate.
Now there's a different look about him.
Too many pats on the head from generals has made you dizzy boy.
Counting airstrips like a rich man counting coins.
You have great difficulty with approval, don't you, Paddy?
You'd just rather play the renegade.
- I see a new ambition. - There is no time to be unambitious.
Convoys are setting sail for Malta.
You don't know who might be listening to you.
- I know my fucking... - Colt .45 at all times!
Fuck you.
David, I assume you'll be taking the remaining airstrip.
- Benin a. - Benin a.
Aye, right, Benin a.
The biggest airstrip of them all.
More kills in bloody Benin a, more bangs and fuel at Benin a.
Given himself the best as per fucking usual.
Yes, that's right, Paddy, and I'm bringing back the blackboard.
Now, you should know I'll be taking no part in counting dead bodies.
Nobody's asking you to you white flagged waggon shite of buckets.
Paddy!
Tonight we are soldiers with one goal, we fight as one or fail,
including the two Germans, Paddy.
Do not think that I did not see you refuse Doctor Gamal's ribbon.
Go and get your fucking ulcers scrubbed
before we depart and that is an order.
I remember when this regiment used to be unknown and unobserved.
Christ, we used to be some crack back then.
We're not a regiment.
Not yet.
Now I get it.
We will be reckless in pursuit of your own lofty ambition.
Yes, that's right, Paddy. Exactly right.
The prize has been offered, the game is on,
and we will win if we do this my way.
When the rest of you fuck up,
I'm answerable to myself.
- A moment... - Are you done?
I gad to switch the spark plugs. All six are working now.
All of them?
You're now the property of the German Reich!
My friend, you are right.
Remember we're prisoners of war. You need to look defeated.
- Come on, boys. - Come on boys, let's crack on.
Good luck, gentlemen!
Good luck, old chap. Race you to Berka.
Our biggest jolly yet.
Let's go!
GREAT SAND SEA 20 MILES SOUTH OF BERKA
Frenchie!
This is where we split.
You're going northeast!
And Frenchie, remember.
You don't fire a shot until the moon sets.
May the best man win.
Aye, right.
GREAT SAND SEA 20 MILES WEST OF BENINA
MALIA BAY CRETE
COAST ROAD 20 MILES WEST OF DERNA
- What is this? - Looks like an Italian checkpoint.
Tell them to shut up.
Silence.
Papers.
How are the women in Derna?
- What are you carrying? - We're carrying prisoners.
A group of French bastards.
Hey, brother! Do you have a cigarette for me?
- These Germans won't give me any. - You want a cigarette?
Bastards. Fuck you!
- Here. - The pride of the Free French Army.
- Let them through. - Thank you!
- Start setting the fuses. - Now?
We'll be at Derna airstrip in half an hour. Prime the one hour fuses.
Roll out the barrel.
The gangs all here.
Those are your disguises, gentlemen.
- Got a bit wet when the tide came in. - I hung them out to dry.
Everyone on this island wears black
to mourn the death of the Messiah.
Another English madman.
You're Norton I presume?
Yes. Better get into costume.
Curtain up in 45 minutes, chaps.
Monsieur. Let's go!
Pistols only, gents.
We don't wanna draw attention to ourselves.
BENINA AIRFIELD
What fuses do we use tonight, boss?
Tonight we don't use fuses.
So what do we do?
They used to call people whose minds were altered by the moon, lunatics.
Tonight we will raise a little bedlam with our new toys.
- I have had an idea. - Fuck.
BERKA AIRFIELD 1
We'll wait here until the moon sets.
BERKA AIRFIELD 2
It looks quiet. Should we go now Zirnheld?
CRETE
We've seen Nazi occupied Europe.
For every German we kill,
there may be a reprisal.
Don't think about it, old boy.
Just do it.
Right. This is where we split up.
- Bonne chance. - Good luck.
Come on.
Right, prepare to attack.
For fuck sake.
Think Zirnheld might have gone a tad early, sir.
- Very free. - Very French.
Fuck, I knew it. Bravo Stirling. There goes Malta.
Paddy?
Paddy come on, you know we can't do this.
You have to stand down.
Paddy, I could give the order.
Let the French have this one.
We can get them another day, Paddy.
Maybe the others will have better luck.
We're standing down boys. Head back to the rendezvous point.
Fuck sake.
There's something wrong with the engine.
- It's probably the spark plug again. - I thought you'd fixed it.
I thought I had.
Shit!
This can't be Derna. Why have we stopped?
The engine is misfiring. I need to fix it.
It's not long until the bombs go off.
Give me a minute. There's a repair shop here.
- I just need a spark plug. - Go, quickly.
Essner is a good man.
Essner is a good man?
I've known him for two years.
He only calls me Jew when he is drunk.
Cut me free.
Come on, cut me free. Hurry up!
Cut everyone free. And be ready.
Thank you!
- What are you doing? - Did you get it?
Hurry up!
It's ok, Essner is alone.
- Where is Brükner? - I don't know.
- Where is Brükner? - He was just here.
- Hands up, now! - What have you done?
Hands up!
Now!
It's over.
Move. Get back to your men. Move!
I will warn every airfield in the Mediterranean.
Malta will fall and all Africa will have the honor of serving The Third Reich.
Get out. Get out of the truck! We've been betrayed.
Halvéy, get out!
Get out you Jewish pig! Get out or I will shoot you!
Get out the truck, Halévy!
Halévy, get out now, you dirty little Jew!
Get out now, you coward!
I don't forget. I don't forgive!
Get out or you can sing for your dead family.
Courage, soldier!
For my family!
HERAKLION AIRFIELD CRETE
Go, go, go!
Now fly like geese!
Butcher 'em...
Sarge, they're unarmed.
Rat bastards!
Yeah!
Come on!
Johnny. How old are you now?
I don't add unarmed men to my tally.
You stay low.
Hands up!
CAPITAINE GEORGE BERGÉ CAPTURED CRETE.
JUNE 19TH 1942
nearly on, lads.
Oy, any score?
Anything for your famous blackboard?
15 Stukas,
18 Messerschmitts.
How about you?
Nothing.
Premature ejaculation on part of the French.
Who's back?
You, me, Zirnheld and Jordan.
You did well.
Why is there no jollity?
Jollity?
Because...
We caught them off-guard. Shot at them rather like you at Ta met.
Armed or unarmed they are the enemy.
Yes?
I asked you a question...
Captain Mayne.
Yes, sir.
Armed or unarmed... they are the enemy.
I was wrong about Essner.
The traitor was Bruckner.
The whole unit wiped out except Jordan.
Death sits easy on your shoulders comrade.
Turns out
we drink from the same well after all.
If you're drunk, please go away.
If you're sober, I will throw you off this balcony.
I've stopped drinking, completely.
Three months.
I need to speak to you.
Yes, I've found someone,
someone who's prepared to tolerate the sharp words and harsh impulses.
You nearly killed the son of the Prime Minister.
Yes, well Vodka does...
- Does make some poor decisions. - Yeah.
Now, I would apologise, but...
After you've heard what I have to say,
you won't remember anything I said before, so...
When did you get back to Cairo?
Yesterday.
Have you been trying to contact Eve?
I called her, but there was no reply, I thought she might be here.
Yeah, Eve was flown over to Alexandria three days ago
on the orders of General De Gaulle.
And she set off back to Cairo yesterday afternoon,
I think she was wanting to be there for your arrival.
And she hitched a lift from a mail plane.
There was a terrible sandstorm east of Alexandria last night.
And the pilot took evasive action but...
The Chief of Cairo Bureau said that the plane went down
in the Qattara Depression.
Wreckage hasn't been located yet.
I'm so sorry, David.
I mean...
Of course.
- I'm so, so sorry, it's just... - What else?
Everything I touch, boom, gone.
There no more.
Would you like me to order you a...
- Order you a car? - No.
No, I'm just... I'm just waiting for it to catch up.
Never real, the first minutes.
She was remarkable woman.
Terribly bad luck, isn't it, I suppose.
Just when we had something to celebrate, I mean...
You should go home.
I was going to take her dancing.
Dancing.
I'll be at the bar, I'll...
When you're ready to leave I'll order you a car.
So, gentlemen,
news of the real world beyond our jolly little circus.
We are fewer than we were,
but... those men we lost gave their lives in a winning cause.
The relief convoys which set sail from Malta one week ago
consisted of 17 ships.
15 of those ships were sunk by German aircraft,
but two ships made it through to the letter.
Two heavily laden supply ships with food,
medicine, weapons, and ammunition.
Malta is saved.
Africa is saved from fascism
because of you.
Because the planes you destroyed
are the planes that would've sunk the two ships that made it.
But in the words of Winston Churchill,
this is not the beginning of the end, this is the end
of the beginning.
While we were saving Malta,
our American cousins finally finished their extended round of golf
and decided to join in and give us a bit of a hand.
- Well about fucking time. - Too right.
The Americans are landing their first attachment of elite troops at Casablanca
and will head east.
We will gather our forces in Egypt and head west.
The Germans and the Italians are in the middle.
It would be foolhardy
to think that any of our forces can make it all the way through enemy lines
to link up with the Americans, but we are fools.
Famous fools.
So that is exactly what I am going to try to do.
I shall enter the lion's den
in search of a potential supply line through Gabes Gap
to link up our two armies.
The rest of you continue your fantastic work
making axis aeroplanes go pop and bang in the middle of the night.
While I was in Cairo I got a note from GHQ.
The special air service known as I Detachment
is now
officially
a British Army regiment.
- I owe you a shilling, lads. - Come on!
- That's on the house, mate. - We did it, gentlemen.
We did it.
Congratulations, sir.
Hurrah for the new Colonel, lads.
To fallen comrades.
- Well done, reg. - Good.
Congratulations, boys.
- Well done. - Pleasure.
Dear Mother,
you may have read in the papers the good news about Malta.
I don't want to come the swank or be pomposo,
but I want you to know that I had some part in making this happen.
And you should know that you and Father
had some part in making me the soldier who could play that part.
Meanwhile, my holiday in the sun continues to be eventful.
Yours in victory, your loving son, David.
Go.
Kill.
Return.
Go again.
We're trapped!
Fuck!
Stop!
Stop. Sadler, run!
Sir, fucking run!
Phantom Major, drop your weapon.
He's got to surrender. If he shoots, he's dead.
Fucks sake.
Shit!
Drop your weapon. Last warning or we will shoot.
What the fuck are we supposed to do now?
I suppose we better go and find some Americans.
Come on.
Head down.
Vehicle approaching!
This came in from GHQ Cairo, sir.
Stirling captured at Gabes Gap.
Stop.
Overall command of SAS regiment, all units to pass to...
Major Robert Blair Paddy Mayne.
They've made you a major and put you in charge, Paddy.
The mad bastards have put you in charge of fucking everything.
Now the blood will flow.
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