Your comrades will be men who need only one order. Go.
Kill. Return. Go again.
We're going to be taking a guest with us.
His first name is Randolph.
His second name is Churchill.
So you're going to just drive into Benghazi and plant explosives?
LOUD EXPLOSIONS
I'm now 25.
What will you say to your father when we get back to London?
I will say holy, holy...
I have 20 of the toughest, finest paratroopers in the French army
under my command.
Paddy, perhaps you would like to inspect your men.
You are a German in a Frenchman's uniform.
Expect to be isolated by my contempt.
I'm German too. Tweedledum and Tweedledeutsche.
This is Aspirant Halevy, he speaks German as well.
He is Jewish.
I am a hand grenade, sir.
Pull the pin, throw me where the enemy is most numerous.
And how is Dudley Clark responding to all the glory?
It seems he is impatient for your destruction.
We are apparently the talk of Cairo.
I'm going to ask GHQ for Jeeps, Vickers, machine guns,
explosives, more men. Now is our moment.
RADIO: ...In the Western desert battle in the fall of Tobruk.
Disappointment, another defeat after so many defeats in Egypt.
RADIO: ...are fighting back in the Mediterranean.
If Malta falls, Africa is lost.
Can't be relied upon to do it yourself.
Besides, some of the infected places would be very difficult
for you to reach.
I don't want you going into any of those places. Sh, sh, sh.
You got nowhere the sunlight does not go.
Fortunately, in the desert, the sun goes everywhere.
And the sand. It's the grit that does the damage.
Oh, God. Argh! Sh, sh.
Do you remember collapsing?
I remember hearing Tobruk had fallen and then I fell.
And I remember getting very drunk and dancing at...
..the Empire Club.
You were leaning, not dancing.
You stood on the table and told everyone you loved me.
Dear God.
Love?
Now, I do apologise.
It must have been the whisky. HE GASPS
It was delirium, sunstroke, deep tissue infections
accumulated during three months in the deep desert without a break.
While I was delirious, I had this rather mad delusion
that I should officially confirm that you are my girlfriend.
Officially? As if it were a military wreck.
Quite.
And as my temperature rose, I thought I might propose marriage.
But in the cold light of day... It's never cold in the day in Cairo.
And in the light of day, I suppose it would be rather odd to propose
to a woman while she removes pus from open wounds
in your infected groin.
If that is rather odd, I'd hate to see very odd.
Oh, very odd would be me talking about the subject at all.
But if I were to propose...
If you were to propose, I would remind you
that there is a war going on which we are losing.
I have nothing else on my mind.
You need to be on top form for your meeting with your Prime Minister.
Try not to walk like a duck.
Turn over for me.
Absolutely not.
Nooo!
# You've bitten off
# Much more than you can chew
# Come on, hold your hand out
# We're all fed up with you. #
Julius Caesar.
Act one, scene two.
Let me have men about me that are fat.
LAUGHTER
Sleek-headed men and such as sleep o'nights.
Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look.
He thinks too much.
Such men are dangerous.
Come on, Winston.
Next line.
Fear him not, Caesar, he is not dangerous.
He is a noble Roman and well given.
He reads much, he is a great observer.
And he looks quite through the deeds of men.
You are Major David Stirling.
L Detachment SAS, sir.
This is the famous Phantom Major.
This is Field Marshal Jan Smuts,
Prime Minister of South Africa.
And General Auchinleck you know.
You were walking in a little awkwardly, Stirling.
Have you been wounded? No, I...
I have desert sores all over my cock.
GUESTS GASP
Most crucially, I have one four inches up my arse.
Can I pinch a light?
Sorry. I've been in the desert a long, long time.
One loses propriety very quickly.
When my son reported back to me about you,
he quoted Lord Byron.
He was the mildest mannered man
Who ever scuttled a ship or cut a throat.
We are a band of oddities, gentlemen and pirates.
I brought you into the garden to tell you that now,
more than ever, your new brand of warfare is needed.
Auchinleck has been too cautious, Tobruk has fallen
and Rommel is now 50 miles outside of Alexandria.
Malta is our last remaining hope for controlling the Mediterranean
and supplying our North Africa armies.
Now, Malta is still under siege.
Has been hammered and hammered, but it has not surrendered.
My wish is that the island of Malta be saved.
I intend to send two convoys of relief supplies
from Gibraltar and Alexandria.
These convoys must get through.
And what exactly would you like me to do?
I want you to not ask that question.
Do whatever you think best to achieve this goal.
You have a free hand.
From Tripoli to Greece.
To Greece?
I've told General Auchinleck
the whole of the south Mediterranean coast is now your remit.
If you succeed, I will recommend to Army Council the SAS
become a regiment.
Not a phantom regiment, but a real one
with you as commanding officer.
Yes, sir.
It would be... It would be what?
I would be achieving what I set out to achieve, sir.
Exactly how serious is your cock and arse condition?
It's nothing that kind hands and iodine cannot resolve.
Then we must set you to work straight away. What will you need?
I will need your autograph, sir.
My autograph?
Souvenir to remember the day.
Of course.
My autograph.
Do you have a pen handy?
General Auchinleck.
Prime Minister? Stirling would like your autograph,
he wants your signature.
A souvenir of the day.
Sir, a blank sheet of paper signed by the two of us
could be used for... Just sign it, general.
Thank you.
Stirling.
Forget the etiquette of war.
Do whatever it takes.
Prime Minister, I hope you know what you're doing.
Of course I know what I'm doing.
I'm letting slip the dogs of war.
# I've been staying in watching television
# While my mates got put in prison
# You don't care what's happening to me
# I went out on a Saturday night
# I got in a bleedin' fight... #
Bloody hell.
I'm going to shoot the wee ball bag.
Well, well, well.
Nice 'tache, Erroll.
Is this Agincourt or Orleans?
Oh, it's Orleans, sir.
Then I'm afraid the game is over.
I have new instructions from Prime Minister Winston Churchill.
Go to the mess hall and take off all your clothes.
There we are, boys. Winston wants to see your winkies.
MEN CHEER
Firstly, I've asked you all to stand naked
because this gentleman is a doctor.
Dr Gamal is a man I've known for a very long time
and whom I trust implicitly,
even when he's high out of his head on his own laughing gas.
He is very discreet. Go on.
I've brought him here from Cairo to make sure you men are all fit
and ready for what lies ahead.
First task I have given him is to inspect you all for desert sores
and open ulcers, which many of you have and conceal
as I once did.
So we need you all to be fit because, gentlemen,
our moment of truth has come.
Dear God, man. I'm sorry, sir.
That's not a desert sore, doctor, I can hear Dave at night.
Sorry.
We are about to embark on a mission from which I would estimate
one third of us will not return.
In 48 hours, two convoys are taking supplies to Malta.
Hitler will throw every plane he has at them.
Our job is to destroy as many of those planes on the ground as we can
before those convoys set sail.
We are going to simultaneously attack six air bases
along the Mediterranean coast.
From Benina in the west...
..to Heraklion in the east.
Yes, Paddy. What business do we have in Crete?
Our sphere of operation has expanded.
How the fuck do we get to Crete? In a submarine.
And how the fuck are we going to get a submarine?
I've already got a fucking submarine.
MEN LAUGH
As well as 50 extra jeeps to go with the 50 already promised,
which will all be fitted with Vickers heavy machine guns
and bulletproof windscreens taken from fighter planes.
We also have 20 new trucks, Beretta submachine guns
adapted for sand conditions, replacement engines
for all our vehicles, with cooling systems.
Just wait till you see what the twin Vickers can do.
Ow!
And good wishes of the King via the Commander in Chief
of British forces, North Africa.
Precisely whose cock did you suck in Cairo, sir?
Right, those of you with ribbons go with Dr Gamal.
He will remove the infected flesh with a toothbrush.
When you are brushed, bandaged up, pumped full of painkillers,
amphetamines and sulphur,
we will begin our glorious expansion.
Yes!
MEN CHEER
God almighty, from here on in,
I'm going to keep my toothbrush on me at all times
so that Dr Gamal doesn't get to it first.
Six targets.
Who's going where?
Well, Paddy, you will take Berka satellite airfield number one.
While, Zirnheld, you will take Berka satellite airfield number two,
so that you can compete with one another for most number
of planes destroyed.
Captain Berge, you will board the submarine Triton
and travel to the Gulf of Mali off the coast of Crete.
You will be met by Captain Alexander Norton.
Together you will attack the airstrip at Heraklion.
Who will take Derna and Martuba?
They're 190 kilometres behind German lines.
You will take Derna and Martuba.
Intelligence have provided us with a stolen German truck.
Yes. And I have offered the services of Brukner and Essner,
our two native Germans.
Essner? Yes, Essner. What is it, Paddy?
If it were me crossing front lines into German territory
with Sergeant Essner, I would keep a Colt 45 revolver
in very close proximity to the back of his head at all times.
I mean, look at my friend here.
Before he left for Cairo, he was like a pirate.
Now there's a different look about him.
Too many pats on the head from generals has made you dizzy, boy.
Counting air strips like a rich man counting coins.
You have great difficulty with approval, don't you, Paddy?
You'd just rather play the renegade. I see a new ambition.
There is no time to be unambitious.
Convoys are setting sail for Malta. Sh!
You don't know who he might be listening to you.
I know my fucking...
Colt 45 at all times.
Fuck you. David, I assume you'll be taking the remaining airstrip.
Benina. Benina.
Ah, right, Benina. The biggest airstrip of them all.
More kills and blood at Benina.
More bangs and fuel at Benina.
Giving himself the best as per fucking usual.
Oh, yes, that's right, Paddy. And I'm bringing back the blackboard.
Now, you should know I'll be taking no part in counting dead bodies.
Nobody's asking you to,
you white-flagged wagon of shite of buckets... Paddy!
Tonight we are soldiers with one goal.
We fight as one or we fail, including the two Germans, Paddy.
Do not think that I did not see you refuse Dr Gamal's ribbon.
Go and get your fucking ulcers scrubbed before we depart.
And that is an order.
I remember when this regiment used to be unknown and unobserved.
Christ, we used to be some crack back then.
Well, we're not a regiment.
Not yet. Ah!
Now, I get it.
We will be reckless in pursuit of your own lofty ambitions.
Yes, that's right, Paddy. Exactly right.
The prize has been offered.
The game is on and we will win if we do this my way.
When the rest of you fuck up, I'm answerable to myself.
Good luck, old chap. Race you to Burka.
Our biggest jolly, yet.
Let's go.
# Out of my mind on Saturday night
# 1970 rollin' in sight
# Radio burnin'
# Up above... #
Frenchie! This is where we split.
You're going northeast.
And Frenchie!
Remember, you don't fire a shot until the moon sets.
# Oh, man... #
May the best man win. Aye, right.
# All right
# I feel all right
# Baby, oh, baby
# Burn my heart
# Baby, oh, baby
# Burn my heart
# Fall apart, babe
# Fall apart
# Baby, oh, baby
# Burn my heart
# All night
# Till I blow away
# All night
# Till I blow away
# I feel all right I feel all right. #
Roll out the barrel.
The gang's all here.
Those are your disguises, gentlemen.
Got a bit wet when the tide came in. Hung them out to dry.
Everyone on this island wears black to mourn the death of the Messiah.
You're Norton, I presume. Yes.
Better get into costume. Curtain up in 45 minutes, chaps.
Monsieur.
Pistols only, gents.
We don't want to draw attention to ourselves.
What fuses do we use tonight, boss?
Tonight we don't use fuses.
So what do we do?
They used to call people whose minds were altered by the moon lunatics.
Tonight we will raise a little bedlam with our new toys.
I have had an idea. Oh, fuck.
We'll wait here until the moon sets.
SINGING AND MERRIMENT
We've seen Nazi occupied Europe.
For every German we kill, there may be a reprisal.
Don't think about it, old boy.
Just do it.
Right, this is where we split up.
Bon chance. Good luck.
Come on.
Right. Prepare to attack.
DISTANT BOOMING
Oh, for fuck's sake.
SIREN WAILS
Think Zirnheld might have gone a tad early, sir.
Very free. Very French.
Fuck, I knew it. Bravo, Stirling.
There goes Malta.
Paddy?
Paddy, come on, you know we can't do this. You have to stand down.
Paddy, I can give the order.
Let the French have this one.
We can get them another day, Paddy.
Maybe the others will have better luck.
SIRENS WAIL
We're standing down, boys. Back to rendezvous point.
Fuck sake.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS
LORRY BACKFIRES
GEARS GRIND
Huh?
THEY CHUCKLE
Danke. Danke.
Hey, hey.
SHOUTS IN GERMAN
SHOUTING IN GERMAN
GERMAN SOLDIERS CONVERSE
Go, go, go.
SOLDIERS LAUGH
Now fly like geese.
Butcher 'em.
Sarge, they're unarmed.
Yeah!
Kraut bastards!
Woohoo!
Come on!
CHEERING
Johnny, how old are you now?
I don't add unarmed men to my tally.
WOMEN SCREAM GUNFIRE
GERMAN CONVERSE IN GERMAN
Stay low.
Nearly on, lads.
Oh, any score?
Anything for your famous blackboard?
15 Stukas.
18 Messerschmitts.
How about you? Nothing.
Premature ejaculation on the part of the French.
Who's back? You, me, Zirnheld and Jordan.
You did well.
Why is there no jollity?
Jollity?
Because...
..we caught them off guard, shot at them rather like you at Tamet.
Armed or unarmed, they are the enemy.
Yes?
I asked you a question...
..Captain Mayne.
Yes, sir.
Armed or unarmed, they are the enemy.
I was wrong about Essner.
The traitor was Bruckner.
The whole unit wiped out except Jordan.
Death sits easy on your shoulders, comrade.
Turns out we drank from the same well after all.
If you're drunk, please go away.
If you're sober, I will throw you off this balcony.
I stopped drinking completely. Right. Three months.
I need to speak to you.
Yes, I've found someone, someone who's prepared to tolerate
the sharp words, harsh impulses.
You nearly...
..killed the son of the Prime Minister.
Yes, well, vodka does...
It does make some poor decisions. Yes.
I would apologise but,
well, after you've heard what I have to say,
you won't remember anything I said before so... Ah.
When did you get back to Cairo?
Yesterday. Have you been trying to contact Eve?
I called her, but there was no reply.
I thought she might be here.
Eve was flown over to Alexandria three days ago
on the orders of General de Gaulle.
She set off back to Cairo yesterday afternoon.
I think she was wanting to be there for your arrival.
And she hitched a lift from a mail plane.
There was a terrible sandstorm east of Alexandria last night.
And the pilot took evasive action, but...
The Chief of the Cairo Bureau said that the plane went down
in the Qattara Depression.
Wreckage hasn't been located yet.
So sorry, David.
I mean...
..of course.
So, so sorry. It's just... What else?
Everything I touch... Boom! Gone.
There no more.
Would you like me to order you a, order you a car? No.
No, I'm just, I'm just waiting for it to catch up.
it's never real the first minutes.
And she was a remarkable woman.
Terribly bad luck, isn't it, I suppose?
Just when we had something to celebrate, I mean.
You should go home.
I was going to take her dancing.
Dancing.
Well, I'll be at the bar.
When you're ready to leave, I'll order you a car.
So, gentlemen,
news of the real world beyond our jolly little circus.
We are fewer than we were.
But those men we lost gave their lives in a winning cause.
The relief convoys which set sail for Malta one week ago,
consisted of 17 ships.
15 of those ships were sunk by German aircraft,
but two ships made it through to Valletta.
Two heavily laden supply ships with food,
medicine, weapons and ammunition.
Malta is saved. Come on.
Africa is safe from fascism because of you.
Because the planes you destroyed are the planes that would have sunk
the two ships that made.
But in the words of Winston Churchill, this is not...
..the beginning of the end, this is the end...
..of the beginning.
While we were saving Malta,
our American cousins finally finished their
extended round of golf and decided to join in
and give us a bit of a hand.
Well, about fucking time.
The Americans are landing their first detachment of elite troops
at Casablanca and will head east.
We will gather our forces in Egypt and head west.
Germans and the Italians are in the middle.
It would be foolhardy to think that any of our forces can make it
all the way through enemy lines to link up with the Americans.
But we are fools.
Famous fools.
So that is exactly what I am going to try to do.
I shall enter the lion's den in search of a potential supply line
through Gabes Gap to link up our two armies.
The rest of you continue your fantastic work
making Axis aeroplanes go pop and bang in the middle of the night.
While I was in Cairo, I got a note from GHQ.
The Special Air Service, known as L Detachment...
..is now officially...
..a British Army regiment.
Yes! THE MEN CHEER
I owe you a shilling, Reg. Come on!
We did it, gentlemen.
We did it.
Congratulations, sir.
Hurrah for the new colonel, lads. Hip, hip!
ALL: Hurray!
Hip, hip! Hurray!
Well done, Reg. Well done. Yes.
Congratulations, boys. Well done.
STIRLING READS: Dear Mother, you may have read in the papers
the good news about Malta.
I don't want to come the swank or be pomposo, but I want you to know
that I had some part in making this happen.
And you should know that you and father had some part
in making me the soldier who could play that part.
Meanwhile, my holiday in the sun continues to be eventful.
Yours in victory, your loving son, David.
Go.
Kill.
Return.
Go again.
At the front!
Fuck!
Sir! Sir!
Sadler! Run!
Sir, fucking go!
Phantom Major, drop your weapon.
He's got to surrender.
He shoots, he's dead.
Fuck sake. What's he doing?
Shit! Sh!
Drop your weapon. Last warning or we will shoot.
March.
What the fuck are we supposed to do now?
Erm...
I suppose we'd better go and find some Americans.
Come on.
Head down.
# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
# Cheerio, here I go on my way
# Wish me luck as you wave goodbye
# Not a tear but a cheer Make it gay
# Give me a smile I can keep all the while
# In my heart while I'm away
# Till we meet once again, you and I
# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
# Cheerio, here I go on my way
# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye
# With a cheer not a tear Make it gay
# Give me a smile I can keep all the while
# In my heart while I'm away
# Till we meet once again, you and I
# Wish me luck as you wave me
# Goodbye. #
Vehicle approaching.
This came in from GHQ, Cairo, sir.
Stirling captured at Gabes Gap.
Stop.
Overall command of SAS regiment, all units to pass to Maj...
Overall command of SAS regiment, all units to pass to...
..Major Robert Blair Paddy Mayne.
They've made you a major and put you in charge, Paddy.
The mad bastards have put you in charge of fucking everything.
PADDY CHUCKLES
Now the blood will flow.
MUSIC: If You Want Blood - You've Got It by AC-DC
# It's criminal
# There ought to be a law
# Criminal
# There ought to be a whole lot more
# You get nothing for nothing
# Tell me who can you trust
# We got what you want
# And you got the lust
# If you want blood
# You got it. #