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Monica, if you spell this next word correctly,
we will declare you the 2005 Scribbs National Spelling Bee champion.
-Opsimath. -Definition, please?
Opsimath is a person who begins to learn or study late in life.
-Language of origin? -Ancient Greek.
-Are there any alternate pronunciations? -Just the one.
-Part of speech? -Noun.
-Can you please repeat the word again? -Opsimath.
Opsimath.
O-P-S-I-M-A-T-H.
Opsimath.
That is correct!
- -Congratulations, Monica.
You are the 2005 Scribbs National Spelling Bee champion!
Joining us now via satellite is this year's Scribbs national champ
or "Scramp," as she likes to call herself…
- -…Monica Chowdry,
who has stolen America's hearts with her stoic demeanor
and spelling prowess.
Hi, I'm Monica Chowdry.
I'm eight years old, and I'm from Greensburg, Pennsylvania.
Oh, she is as sweet as a glass of mango lassi.
I could just slurp her right down, Wayland.
-Oh, me too, Crystal. Me too. -Mm-hm.
Learning is like chewing gum.
Some gum, you spit out, like the multiplication tables.
You might find a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe,
like discovering roosters have built-in ear plugs.
That's true.
Other gum, you swallow, and it stays with you for years.
-Like riding a bike.
Today's Learning with LeVar little learner is a very special person.
I am so proud to be able to invite the Scribbs Spelling Bee champion,
-Monica Chowdry, to our classroom. -Hooray!
-Words, words, words, words, words!
Opsimath, O…
Ma, you're watching this again?
But I cannot believe that you let me cut your hair into that boy cut.
Well, I didn't have much choice as a kid.
Mm. Oh, honey.
Your chai is Oprah-level quality.
Eat all the Marie biscuits, okay?
I don't want to find them all crumby in your pocket
next time I'm doing laundry.
Will you be home this afternoon?
Ma, yes!
I told you this, like, five times already.
I've got a couple tutoring sessions, and then I'll be home after lunch.
Eat all your Marie biscuits.
Greetings, Ms. Chowdry. Good news.
We'd love to offer you the full-time clinical research technician post
at Dellview Labs.
So please call me back at your earliest convenience.
Good job!
-Boony! -Dada.
Oh, I hope you got extra hush puppies.
Oh, I gotta take these off you.
Sorry, I'm starving. Ooh, what'd you get?
Ma's on a diet.
Suicide, it's cheat day!
Yo, Mom, food's here!
I-I feel like there's extra crispy to this one.
Dada helped me send the paperless post for Baba's memorial.
Did you just forget to add my name to the guest list?
We knew you would have this kind of reaction.
Okay.
So we thought it was best to tell you one-to-one.
-I can't fucking believe this. -Don't say that F!
I don't like that F.
Dada is here for one week for Baba's memorial.
-Ah, my pressure has lifted. -O-Okay. Okay.
Now I have made a list of food that we need for the havan.
He can't go by himself?
Boony!
-Fine, fine.
Did you get extra kurkure?
Yes, of course and crab cakes.
You know, I might have gormandized one in the car.
-Good. You are too skinny. -Yeah, Boony has always been too skinny.
Ho-ho.
Ooh, what's going on over here? Shah Rukh Khan?
Hey, what's up with Hrithik Roshan? Still has six fingers? Look at that, Mama.
Hey, Boony, you up here?
Whoa.
I love what you've done with this place.
Except this bunny. Ooh, this bunny is fugs.
Sewed it in middle school.
It's creepy. Still fugs though.
-You gonna offer me a hit or what? -You don't smoke.
Uh… …newsflash, Boony,
I've been known to get into the reefer, you know, occasionally.
-Help yourself. -Thanks.
Let's see if this competes with the Cali cron.
I'm used to the California stuff, you know.
You still have this?
Yup.
Conway Kid Olympics.
I can't believe I organized that whole thing.
You were the only female competitor.
Uh-huh.
Baba made that kick-ass jump-jump apparatus.
This tree house too.
Yeah.
Maybe you should dust it off, defend your medal.
Maybe.
Okay, well, great talk.
I'll let you get back to your painting, Picasso.
Okay.
Cool, see you.
I probably shouldn't have smoked before climbing down this ladder.
-To clinical research lab person… -Technician.
To clinical research lab technician, Monica Chowdry.
Ugh. What's even the point of virgin shots?
Empty calories?
I haven't said yes yet.
But you will.
You have to, it's your dream job,
sitting in a dark room, breathing dangerous chemicals,
cloning ugly-ass rats, curing cancer and shit.
We'll see how Ma convalesces.
Mon, I wasn't a word nerd.
Sorry. We'll see if Ma gets better.
Gracias.
And let Sonny take care of Jaya for once.
All right.
You okay? You wanna crash at my place?
Nah, it's just for a week. Sonny's gotta get back to work.
Well, it's good he's got a job, right?
I guess. We'll see for how long though.
Well, you know I've got you if you need some air.
I know.
I don't know how you work here sober.
Oh, I got my poison.
Licentious.
L-I-C-E-N-T-I-O-U-S. Licentious.
Promiscuous and unprincipled in sexual matters.
Hey, um, can I just get a beer or something?
Yeah.
Y-You know what? I'll take, uh, a whiskey, neat.
-Okay. -On the rocks.
Actually, I'll just take a vodka soda.
-Yeah. You got Tito's? -Yes.
-Cool. Thanks. -That's a skinny bitch drink.
Monica Chowdry?
Yeah?
Holy shit!
You-- You won the spelling bee.
Yo, we had that big pep rally when you got back from DC.
Oh, my God.
-Scribb, Scribb, Scribb!
Greensburg's own Scribb champ.
Man, you were like a… A legit celebrity.
I guess.
I'm Richie. Richie Kim?
I was in Mrs. Jugen's science class with you guys.
Um, Krista Santos, right?
Oh, yeah. Richie Kim!
You were the one that took those baby chicks home
then brought them back the next day
'cause you never asked your mom, and she was pissed.
Yo, she was so pissed.
There was, like, little baby chicken shit
-all over her fancy shag carpet.
What brings you back to the GBG?
Uh, um…
my Uncle Quincy died, so you know, funeral stuff, yeah.
Um, sorry.
Psh, whatever. He was a racist jagoff.
-Rest in peace, dick.
I'm looking down 'cause he probably went to hell.
-Shit.
-Oh, another brewsky for the champ? -You want another one?
Sure.
Thanks.
Is-Is this seat open?
-Yep. -Oh, cool.
Ah.
You know, I, um…
I totally had a crush on you in high school.
-Yeah, right. -Yeah.
I wore my brother's hand-me-downs
and had those thick purple glasses
that were, like, ten times the size of my cranium.
Still cute.
-But you never asked me out. -You wanna go out?
-Get your hands off my little sister! -What are you doing?
Dude, it's cool, man! It's, like, consensual or whatever!
-Address me as "sir"! -Hey!
What?
You want me to come over to your place and fucking bang out your little sister?
-Stop! -No, no, no!
-No, what? -No-No, sir. No, sir.
Good!
Now get your six-pack, skinny jean-wearing ass out of here.
I never wanna see your fucking face again, you hear me?
You got it, sir, yep. Loud and clear, sir.
-Good. -Yep, okay.
Move it!
You're not funny!
What the hell? Hey, I was just messing around!
-I wasn't gonna actually-- -Fucking crazy!
-Wait! Ooh, relax.
-Come on. -Why did you come back?
Did you shower?
Ma, don't worry. I'm not gonna sully our puja.
We can't just lock our doors at night
and pretend that everything's copacetic.
This is crazy.
You were the one who tried to beat him with the bat.
Maybe it is you who are crazy.
I can't believe you're taking his side.
He is trying his very best. Just let him be.
I found Dr. Goodwin's number in my backpack, and I…
I have not seen Dada for one whole year since Baba died.
He came all the way out from California.
I want to enjoy my time with him.
One week.
That is all.
Fine.
Hey. No! No, you know I'm allergic to flowers.
It's a blessing. You cannot reject a blessing!
Cypseline.
Definition, please.
Louder, Payal!
Enunciate! Remember.
Mrs. Gandhi, if you're gonna stay in the kitchen, I really need you--
Just sorry. Sorry. My lips are sealed.
Of or relating to the swifts.
Language of origin?
Greek and English.
Are there any alternate pronunciations?
Nope.
-Part of speech? -Adjective.
-Can you please repeat the word? -Cypseline.
Cypseline.
S-I-P…
S-A-L-I-N-E.
Cypseline.
That is correct.
Good job, Payal.
Mm. My smart girl!
Pizza bags for everyone.
That wasn't right though.
No, but look, you were close.
Thanks, Monica Didi.
Hey, hey. You're gonna be okay, all right?
Let's just get through some more of these drills
and we'll get you right back on track.
Oh, banana chips. Let's get the banana chips for sure.
Yo, Thums Up!
Yo, Baba used to buy us crates of this stuff growing up.
I'm only here because Mom wants me here.
Look, for the last time,
I am so sorry for joking around and going full Liam Neeson on your date.
It's kinda hard to tell when you're joking or not.
Man, this stuff's like crack.
It's got five times the amount of caffeine as Coke.
Do you want one?
-Well, I want it.
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, Jimit uncle, don't worry, I'll pay for it.
-Okay, 'cause I have cameras now. -Uh-huh.
Mm, "Thums Up! Too fun thandak!"
Do you-- Do you wanna sip? It's so good!
Come on, come on. Seriously.
Crack.
What does "too fun thandak" even mean?
Uh, "cold fun," I think?
Like, thandak means "cold," so yeah, "cold fun."
Actually, "taste the thunder."
"Too fun thandak…" …means nothing.
-We have a sale on mangoes. -Mm.
-I'm pretty sure it's "too fun thandak." -Me too.
Uncle, too fun thandak!
-I heard that.
I can't believe Mom let us drink this stuff.
-It definitely stunted my growth. -Definitely.
You can come out to California whenever you want.
I… I can't.
Well, you'd have a place to stay.
You know, uh… I could take a day or two off from work.
We could drive to the coast, or… Oh, maybe we could hit the beach.
-I hate the beach. -Oh.
-Sonny! -Hey, buddy. How you been?
-I'm good. How are you? -Good.
Yeah.
Monica.
Rahul.
Wait, the two of you still aren't beefing over the spelling bee, are you?
What beef? I won fair and square.
Oh, depends on what your definition of winning is.
-Oh, it's good to see you. -You too.
That was cute. No, it was not cute at all.
-You guys are weird.
-So I see you're living the LA life, huh? -Yeah, man, things are pretty good.
But, uh, dating is not so hot.
I was seeing this Pakistani girl.
She actually was, uh, Miss Pakistan-America.
-Agoura. Super hot! -Oh, wow.
-Really. -Yeah?
-Yeah. -And what about the water…
Boony.
You had the roti last time.
Brother's turn. No.
Um, fair is fair, Boony.
Here you go, Boony.
Enough is enough, no?
-I can handle myself.
Um, hey, Boony, I think Ma's list only said only two boxes of mangoes.
Oh, wow.
"You can never have too many mangoes."
You know who said that? It wasn't me, it was Gandhi.
Indira.
No, honestly, it was Mother Teresa.
-Um… -I don't think she ever said that.
Fine, fine. I'll put it back.
Just remember, don't @ me when you run out of lassi.
And you will. You will.
Hey, uncle, we won't.
Don't worry, uncle. We're not gonna @ you.
He has a Twitter?
Hey, you coming to Baba's anniversary?
Yeah, of course. We'll be at the havan.
Don't invite uncle.
-Yeah, pay for this. -Yes, yes.
According to Wombat, you were gonna marry Lonnie Erling,
live in Tahiti in a shack, drive a Jeep Wrangler,
and have 16 kids.
-Wombat told no lies.
Dude, everyone wanted to get their hands on Wombat back in the day.
-Mm-hm.
Wombat rules!
I mean, who didn't wanna know
if Nathan or Curtis gave you three carnations on Valentine's Day?
Mm. Nathan, three. Curtis, two. Rajiv, one.
-Ugh. Justin, one.
-Monica, one. -Aw.
What was my count?
-Trey, one. Andrew, one. -Mm-hm.
Krista, duh, one.
Richie, one.
Damn, lover boy planted the seed in middle-school.
Stop, stop.
That hook-up was a one-time amalgamation.
Well, he came into Jay's last night looking for you.
-He did? -No!
You totally care even though you're pretending not to.
So now you're subterfuging me?
-Basic English for basic bitch. -You're tricking me.
-Well, you're retaining the subject… -Mm.
-…because you care so much.
Do you remember what we promised each other?
Yes.
We promised each other that we would…
get out of this boring-ass town and do big things.
Big.
Does it bug you?
What?
That you're still here in Greensburg, doing the opposite of big things.
No.
Honestly, I'm just happy to be alive.
Don't ever OD on me again, okay?
The only thing I'm OD'ing on is sweet motherfucking fish, bitch.
I think about that night a lot.
Why? Does it bug you?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess it does.
Well, good. It should.
You know, Mon, I Google all the "Where Are They Now?" articles
about past Scramps…
and they're all doing sick shit, like working for NASA, playing pro poker,
making billions off start-ups.
Yeah.
You know, you need to be on those articles.
Dada needs to take his meds.
And you need to stop worrying about other people
and start worrying about yourself.
You could be a life coach.
-Bartender, life coach.
Same thing.
Ma, are you awake?
-How are you doing, hm?
Come in, come in.
-I don't want you to die.
So morbid.
Keep up that negative attitude, I probably will die.
-I'm serious. -Mm.
Our little Boony is always very serious.
Am I taking bad care of you?
Of course not.
That's not why I called Dada here.
Then why did you call Dada?
When God takes me--
-Positive attitude. -Yes, yes.
The past has passed, Boony.
-And when I am in the grand upstairs… -Cheater.
-When I am upstairs…
…Dada's the only family you have downstairs.
It's not fair.
Oh, you remember where the safe deposit key is, yes?
-Now who's the saturnine one? -Mm.
I have a lot of family gold there.
You can sell it if you get into trouble.
It's, uh, under the bed…
in the Payless shoe box
wrapped in a paper towel under your wishbone collection.
Good, good.
I don't care about the jewelry. I care about you.
If you care about me, please, please open your heart to Dada.
I know. Mood stabilizers have come a long way since we--
You can't just make up the words to the song.
You know this part.
-Cough.
-Again? A big one this time.
-Mm.
-Relax, Jaya.
You can tell them. They are adults.
There's, uh, zero improvement from my first diagnosis three weeks ago.
Her triiodothyronine and thyroxine hormones appear inflamed.
But we're doing everything right though.
She's taking all the pills you prescribed, and her diet is--
Well, we cheat every now and then, but--
-I cannot give up hush puppies for good. -Jaya, you must.
Her meals have been mostly pretty healthy.
Yeah, uh, just salads and sabzis.
Oh, and your dal.
Do you know that Dada makes the most expert moong dal?
I'll have to try it.
If Ma's not getting any better, maybe we should take her to the hospital.
Oh, Boony, hospitals. Hospitals are so depressing.
Jaya's heart rate is up. Is there any stress in her life?
Dada and Boony.
They cannot get along.
I-I don't-- I don't know what to do.
I don't know what a dying mother is supposed to do
-when her children cannot… -Jaya, Jaya.
…come together and support. -Calm down, okay?
They are always fighting.
Okay, you must rest.
Nothing is ever good between them. There is no hope.
-Relax, okay?
Come. You must rest.
Dr. Ali, thank you so much--
Your mother's fatigue, depression, and stress levels is a direct symptom
-of you and you fighting.
That's physical assault, and I'm not gonna take it.
You Indian kids in America have no shame, huh?
Your hardworking parents sacrificed so much for you,
and you just take, take, take, and you throw it all away.
-Um, Auntie, I--
You are both blessed with smart brains
and connected by a deep love for your mother.
You are in a versus.
Like Ram and Lakshman.
Krishna and Arjuna.
Farhan and Zoya.
Farhan and Zoya? Who are…
Akhtar.
They are brother-sister Bollywood power duo.
No?
Dil Dhadakne Do.
Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara?
-I don't know that one. -Yeah, I've never heard of it.
Google it, you fucking fools!
Your mother was my first friend in America.
She is like my sister.
Uh, actually, I don't like my sisters really all that much.
They take all my money. But I love Jaya.
She's perfect.
Do something special for her.
Together.
It will lift her spirits.
Okay?
Okay, beta?
-Okay, beta? -Yeah, oh--
-Yes. -Do something.
-Mm-hm. -Do something.
-Mm-hm. -Yes. Something.
You know, I'm always slightly disappointed with udon.
I want it to be spicy like ramen, but it's just fucking soup.
Frosty Shack never disappoints.
Are you cool putting this show together with Sonny?
Sort of.
We're basically just concentrating on rehearsing the acts and not much else.
Becquerel.
B-E-C-Q-U-E-R-E-L. Becquerel.
The SI unit of radioactivity corresponding to one disintegration per second.
Hey, you're Sunshine's sister, right?
Yeah, I'm Sonny's sister, Monica.
Yeah, right on. I'm Javi.
I used to play soccer with him back in the day.
-Cool. -Tell him I said what's up.
I will.
-I know. -What are you doing?
Checking out Javi's butt.
-It's so obvious.
I don't like the mustache.
-Okay, where's my cane? -Pretty creepy.
Fuck.
Okay, go team.
Why are you so sweaty?
-Cue music! -Oh, shit. Sorry.
-Come one, come all,
to the exciting, popular, world-renowned Funny Sonny Show!
Whoo!
I'm your emcee with the key, Sir Rupert Coldwallace!
Welcome to my home, Rupert.
Ma, you can't break the fourth wall.
Pretend you're at the Benedum Center, okay?
Entertainers from all over the multiverse and beyond
have been gathered and waiting
for this one moment in their lives to be funny…
to be savvy…
to show!
Our first performance is a muscle man who has conquered weights
on all four corners of the Earth.
-The Earth is round. -Ugh!
Just saying!
Presenting Manish the Magnificent Muscle Man!
Whoo!
You forgot to play the Muscle Man music.
I didn't want to miss my cue, I told you we should've hired
Krista as the stage manager.
-You're the worst! -No, you're the worst!
-Dada, Boony, stop fighting.
We're not Dada and Boony!
Then Rupert and Manish, behave!
-Ah! Whew! -O-ho!
Uh, all right. Ah, yeah.
-Whoo! Whoo! -Ooh!
-Pretty good, right? -Yeah.
One second.
-I forgot my weights. -You forgot-- That's your only prop!
-Okay, just-- just get out of my way. -How could you--
Get out of my way.
Check out my Swipe Right Diet online
and join our ever growing team of salesmen.
Are you seriously recruiting Ma for your pyramid scheme?
It's not a pyramid scheme, okay?
It's a lucrative business opportunity for entrepreneurs.
Check it out. I'm very close to Emerald status.
-Mm. -There's some really attractive people.
-I think-- Is that-- -Get in here!
-Oh, is it mine? Okay! -Okay, you have to help me take this out.
-Okay. Okay, Jesus! -You have to help me!
Couldn't you just, like, play the flute or something?
No, I don't know how to play the flute.
Well, you don't know how to play this either.
-Yes, I do! I took that one lesson. -Yeah, whatever.
-Take your weights with you. -I will, I will!
You gotta take my mustache!
This is disgusting, what the fuck?
My music, Lily Chakravarty's music, is for lovers.
Kissing in the monstoon f--
My music, Lily Chakravarty's music, is for lovers.
A stolen glance from a second-story window…
…kissing in the monsoon floods,
-romantic candlelight goat curry dinners.
Ah, join me, Lily Chakravarty,
as I sing my hit song that I learned
from Shammi Ji at Hindu temple camp.
He ended up molesting some of the tween girl campers,
but…
…that is neither here nor there, you know?
Judge the art, not the artist.
You know, Lily, in this political climate, you should judge the artist.
Shut up, Dada! Just get backstage and remember your--
Okay! Okay, okay, Jesus.
Yep, that definitely sounds like a child molester song.
-Shh, just get your friggin'--
-You just remember your cues. -Okay.
It has been an absolute honor and phenomenal pleasure
to perform for you, the greatest audience in the world.
Now please enjoy the soul-stirring bhajan…
Can you play the fucking bhajan?
Oh, fuck, dude, I don't know…
Enjoy the soul-stirring bhajan
as our next entertainers prepare to dazzle you
with an extraordinary, excellent finale number.
Namaskar.
-Can you help? -Yeah, I thought I was-- I was just…
Finally, you got a-- You got a cue right, finally.
Right. I-I gotta get ready. You gotta go do something.
-Yeah, but we didn't rehearse this. -Just sing something.
-Oh, fuck.
-Okay, okay. Oh, my God.
-Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready, shut up.
Dude, I was-- That was good.
-Oh, shit! -You gotta keep going!
-Okay! Ow! -You're not dancing!
Whoa, we are dancing, dancing!
-Ah, Boony.
That is not a circle!
That looks like Motu Mamu's belly. It's small, then very large.
You know what? That does look like Motu Mamu's belly.
-It's lopsided. -Uh, I'm trying.
You know, it's hard to maintain
the exact same pressure as it circumvolves.
Mm.
You could just say rotate.
All right. No fighting, please.
-Flour is your best friend.
Krista is my best friend.
-And Richie is your boyfriend. -Shut up!
-Who is Richie? Richie? -He's just a friend.
If you get pregnant, do not have an abortion.
-I will raise the baby. -Ma!
-Oh, my God!
You're so dead!
-Dada, let me taste the shahi. -Mm.
It's good. It's spicy.
Mm.
Needs more salt.
Really?
-I thought it was pretty--
-It's pretty-- -You think too much, hm?
All you have is the present.
Past is past. The future is not here.
See? You know.
I taught you one thing at least. Put more salt.
I was never good enough for you.
Or for Baba.
Boony was always the perfect one.
I'm just your stupid son.
Dada, are you joking?
Hm. When did I say you are stupid?
Every day.
It's why I never wanted to come home.
Baba would always ask me about MBA this and grad school that.
You know, all the other sons are lawyers, doctors, and engineers.
You know, like Rahul.
-And I'm just a stupid trainer at the gym. -All right, all right, all right.
You know what, Baba and I, we made mistakes.
And y-you are great. Just as you are.
If I'm so great…
where is my diploma?
Where is my framed graduation picture?
Where is my art work on the fridge, hm?
-Huh?
Uh, I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Boony! Boony, Boony.
These pictures…
They're great, Boony, huh?
I didn't-- I didn't mean to do-- You're such a good artist.
They're great, I didn't mean to…
It's all right. It's all right. It is a tough day for all of us.
-Oh, baby.
-Oh, Dada, no…
-It's-It's okay. It's okay. -I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.
Boony?
Oh, fuck.
-You should be resting.
Well, Dr. Ali says that I should get some fresh air, so…
Not that the air up here is very fresh.
-Where's Dada? -He's lying down. He was tired.
There's nothing wrong with getting help.
Yes, Boony, I know, but he is an adult, and we cannot force him to get medication.
I miss Baba.
Me too.
Dada does too, he just…
He acts out when he has emotions.
And you…
You disconnect, you come up here, you take your marinara.
-Marinara? -Yes, you take your marinara.
What are you talking about…
Oh, marijuana.
-I don't smoke-- -Mm-hm.
Okay, this is the first time I smoked.
Okay.
-Hey, can I try? -Really?
Yeah.
You know, my friends with cancer, they love it.
And-And it's basically legal, yeah?
Okay.
-How does it-- -Put it to your lips,
and you just suck it in.
Okay, okay. Not too much, not too much.
That's it. Good.
-Okay. Are you okay?
Here, here.
It just burns your throat a little.
-Just…
This is… weird.
You know…
Dada, he stopped himself this time before he got violent, that is…
That is progress.
I guess it is.
-Do you have any snacks or… -Yes.
-You know, this was Baba's favorite song.
Mine too.
-Stop!
-Stop! Ugh!
Spoliator.
S-P-O-L-I-A-T-O-R. Spoliator.
One who plunders, pillages, despoils, or robs.
Dumb brown turd! Never teaming up with you again.
What the fuck? Get back here, you little piece of shit!
-Come here! -Let me go!
Not until you promise me never to fuck with my girl Payal again.
Who, the president of the role-playing wizard club?
Pile of shit!
Ew, gross! Fine, fine, I won't mess with her!
Hey, that's mine, give it back!
Just Venmoed Payal a hundred bucks for that fancy handbook you aggregated.
-Get out of my face.
You're pathetic.
You got nothing else to do than live at home in your mom's basement
and beat up little kids in your spare time.
I don't live in the basement!
I'm on the second floor. I have my own bathroom, you know that.
Let's get your stuff.
You okay?
Yeah. You didn't have to do that. I can handle them.
I know.
I wish someone had helped me when I was getting bullied in school.
-Didn't Dada help you? -Yeah, I guess he did.
Is he still sick?
Yeah.
So you got bullied?
Yeah, Annie DiMarco called me "clam chowder," and it stuck.
-Oh, you think that's funny?
Well, kinda.
Clam chowder, and your last name is Chowdry.
I-I-I like clam chowder.
Clam chowder is bomb!
Leslie's right, though.
-I'm dumb. -You're not dumb.
Now, let's get you home and get you some new RPG shit.
I still got it.
Well, yeah, that's the lowest rung.
Do I sniff a challenge?
Gotta defend my title. Next rung.
Gauntlet thrown!
Boony, are you sure?
-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. -Okay.
Maybe we should advise a doctor before you jump or something.
I don't want you to get hurt.
-Okay. -I'm just looking out for you.
-Okay.
Oh, my God!
Okay, relax, okay? Don't celebrate just yet.
-Oh, I'm gonna celebrate. -Okay.
-Oh, my God! -You won't be celebrating after this.
-Uh, this should be… -Oh, you'll never clear that.
This is, like, what? Like, an inch taller than you?
-What?
-Oh, shit! -Oh, shit, I win, I win, I win!
-All right, relax! Okay! -I win, I win!
-Okay, I-- You win, you win. -I win, I win, I win!
-You win. You don't need to rub it in. -Ha-ha!
-Well, yeah, I kind of do.
You're the athlete in the fam.
-I guess.
This is now yours.
What?
Ha-ha! I'm a jump-jump beast!
-That you are.
You seem better.
Yeah. Uh, I feel better.
Must be that fresh Greensburg air.
Wait. How come my name's on this?
-Did you let me win? -It's tea time for Ma.
Yo, yo, I can kick your ass
-fair and square. -Mm-hm.
-I don't need any special treatment! -Uh-huh.
-I demand a rematch immediately. -Uh-huh.
What do you think he's saying?
Ouch.
Do you think he uses that on other fruit sometimes?
Joshi Ji says "chup."
Or Baba's soul will never reach nirvana.
I don't think Joshi Ji ever said "chup."
-Yeah. Fill it up. -Mm-hm.
-All the way. -Okay, auntie.
-Ooh, it's so hot. Mm. -Okay, that's enough.
-Yo, you want some? You good? -I'm good.
-Good. -I'm wired.
No more for you then.
Hey, you want some chai?
Oh, such a gentleman.
Sonny, when are you gonna find a wife?
Oh.
Well, if she has your genes, I'm sure she is.
Cabotinage.
C-A-B-O-T-I-N-A-G-E.
Cabotinage.
Behavior befitting a second-rate actor.
Obvious playing to the audience.
-Hey, do you got a match for Scramp? -Let me go!
Well, but, yeah-- But Scramp, you're such a catch.
-Stop it! -Yeah, Boony.
I think it is time for us to take out the sandesh, no?
Come on.
Sonny, I'm on the market.
-Oh. -Like, I'm single.
That's nice.
Seems like he's doing better.
You know, we all worshiped him growing up, Sonny Dada.
-Mm-hm. -He was the only sporty Indian jock.
He lettered in baseball, tennis, and soccer.
We all wanted to be him.
What happened?
Who broke the moorti?
Huh?
Who broke it?
Baba, it was me.
Come here. Come here.
Sorry.
Oh, shit. Do you guys need help?
Uh, we got it.
You know, Sashi auntie wants to bottle your chai and sell it at her GNC.
I've been trying to get Monica to bottle it for years.
She's a no-go.
-Not even for a million dollars? -Maybe for a million.
-Oh, that's huge. She's negotiating. -I want 15 percent for brokering the deal.
-Ten. -Twelve.
-Fine.
-Great! -There we go.
You know, Sonny protected you for so long.
Maybe it's your turn to protect him.
Whoo!
-Ma, board's ready. -Mm.
I'm so tired.
Why don't you play with Boony?
Carrom dash, huh?
-Baba's favorite game. -Mm.
-I'm kind of tired too. -No, you can play one game.
Yeah, come on, Boony. I'll let you win.
I don't need you to let me win.
-Night, Mom. -Mm.
Ladies first.
I don't see any ladies. All I see is a bad-ass bitch.
Okay, well, you know what?
Bad-ass bitches go first. You know what I mean?
That was pretty good.
-Ooh! -I'm warming up.
-Nice shot, nice shot. -I'm just warming up.
You know, I have to sell two more Swipe Right packages
and then I get to Emerald status.
That's cool.
If Ma buys a Swipe Right package from you…
-…I swear, I'll just--
I'll…
Uh, what?
Ooh, five points.
-You're on fire. -Oh, yeah, yeah.
I don't know, I'll, like, do something wacky.
-Like move to Fiji or something.
Do it.
What? Move to Fiji? Okay.
No, dummy. Like, just move out of the house.
Get an apartment in Pittsburgh or something.
Nah, I like it here. I like helping Ma.
I like making my students' dreams come true.
Okay, well, what about your dreams?
Boony, you should be working in some research facility by now,
making six figures.
Yeah, it's like you got this noodle,
but you do not want to boil the water and you don't want to put the pasta in it
so it cooks and becomes edible.
Are you hungry? Is that what this vituperation is about?
Are you coming at me with Missy Elliott lyrics?
No one's perfect, okay?
I wanna climb up that ladder one day and you're not there.
I want to see the walls empty of all your pictures.
I want to see your paints gone.
I wanna not see the creepy eyes of that fugly rabbit of yours.
My rabbit's not fugly.
-Oh! -Does that me-- Does that count?
-Yes! -You shot off half the pieces
off the board!
-Insouciant. -Definition, please.
Light-hearted concern, nonchalance.
Uh, language of origin?
French and Latin.
-Are there any alternate pronunciations? -No.
-Part of speech? -Adjective.
-Can you please repeat the word? -Insouciant.
Insouciant.
I-N-S-O-U…
C-E-N-T.
Insouciant.
That is correct.
It is A-N-T. Not correct at all.
-Why can't you be more like Adithi? -Mrs. Gandhi, just--
And you! What the hell are we paying you for?
You're supposed to teach her the correct spelling.
I know, I know, it just takes Payal a little more time to learn--
Well-- Well, of course, all learning, it takes time,
but you're teaching her to lie to her mother, her family.
I don't wanna do the spelling bee!
What did you say?
I don't want to do it.
Payal, you will do the spelling bee!
If she doesn't want to do the spelling bee this year,
then maybe we can just prep her for next year.
Oh, no, no, no, no, she will do it this year
and go all the way to national.
And if she doesn't win this year,
then we'll do it again next year and the year after that.
It just doesn't seem--
Monica, you can be as much of a failure as you want to in your own life.
Your mother really let you run wild, especially after Radesh died,
but you leave my daughter out of your willy-nilly influence.
-I just don't-- -This is it for today's session.
I'm only paying you out of respect for Jaya Didi.
We no longer need your services.
BCAs…
-Hey. -Oh, hey.
-What's this? -Oh, it's just, uh, some event swag.
-A water bottle. -Yeah, actually, it's really cool.
You can put hot water or cold water in there,
and it stays the temperature.
-Cool. -Yeah.
Why would you send me this card?
Oh, I don't know. I guess I thought it was funny.
But I don't like yoga.
Oh, I thought you liked to work out, so…
I hate yoga.
I'm not even flexible.
I mean, you…
You know I don't like yoga.
I mean, I like girls in yoga pants, but…
I told you I don't like yoga.
-Sonny Chowdry.
Sunny is a girl's name.
Sonny is not a girl's name.
Why does everyone think Indians love yoga, okay?
Yoga is the worst!
Yoga is for girls.
Hm? Yoga is for girls.
This is your fault.
This is all your fault.
Okay, Dada, come here, huh?
-Come here. -No, no, no. Yoga is for girls.
And Sonny is a stupid name for a boy.
-You can change your name. -No, no, no. Okay?
Because they made fun of me.
Because I had a girl's name.
And I am a boy!
I am a boy, okay?
And yoga is for girls.
They called me Sunshine, okay?
This is your fault.
This is Baba's fault.
Baba and I, we made mistakes,
uh, we didn't understand…
and we're sorry, I'm so sorry.
Baba is so sorry.
-Huh?
It's not your fault, Dada.
Who's gonna pay for that moorti?
Where is your pay for moorti, huh? Huh?
-Huh?
-You pay for it!
-Will you buy another moorti, huh?
Bloody useless! Useless!
Enough, Baba!
Bewusstseinslage.
A state of consciousness or a feeling devoid of sensory components.
Bewusstseinslage.
-Fuck!
No, no!
I love you so much. I love you.
They called me Sunny Sunshine. This is your fault!
-Mom! What did you do?
Mom, Mom! Mom!
Ma! Ma, come on, wake up!
Word, word, word.
Callipygian.
C-A-L-L-I-P-Y-G-I-A-N.
Callipygian.
Having well-shaped buttocks.
Monica, Sonny?
I'm Dr. Chiou.
-Is she okay? -Yes.
Your mother has a mild concussion.
We wrapped her head.
Give her plenty of rest,
and she'll be fully recovered in a couple days.
-She can go home today.
Thank God.
What about her hypothyroidism?
Hypothyroidism?
Her fibromyalgia developed into hypothyroidism
almost a month ago.
Your mother has a clean bill of health.
Her medical history shows no record of either of those diseases
or any disease for that matter.
Sonny, your mother called your previous therapist, Dr. Goodwin?
I spoke to him myself. He'd love to see you again.
Hey, Boony, are you-- Are you up there?
Can I come up?
-Okay.
So the other day,
I went to the Westmoreland Mall and I saw Larry Hawkins.
He still works at Sbarro's. I mean, I can't believe it.
I'd be so sick of pizza if I worked there since high school.
You need professional help, Dada.
This isn't a joke.
Look, uh, Boony, I'm really sorry about what happened to Ma, but I--
You know, everything's okay, right?
And I'm fine.
No, you're not.
I'm not crazy.
I can't be in your life if you're not on any medication.
-I'll-- -I just can't. I can't.
I'm fine.
You have to go.
Go make, like, Emerald level status
or whatever the fuck it is you do with your life, okay?
Just, like, don't come back. Leave us alone.
-Okay, ready? Good. -Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.
"Swish Swish Max"? Can you handle it?
-You know I can.
-I don't know if I can. -Thanks.
-For what? -For being the best bestie.
Mon, you never told anyone when I peed in my pants on 1-19,
-walking home from Park N Pool…
…in fourth grade.
I told Oreo.
And I forgive you for tattling on me to my cocker spaniel.
-May he rest in peace. -Oh, RIP Oreo.
-But you know I got your back. -I know.
-Always. -Always.
Stop trying to distract me.
-Come on. Okay.
Huh? What? Hi, how…
-How did you get in here?
The door was open.
These jagoffs stopped in at Jay's, and they were asking about you.
Well, I was asking about you.
Yes.
I got you.
Ah.
-I, um…
I go back to Detroit on Sunday.
-Cool. -Yeah.
Back to the grind, Richie!
-Sorry.
Okay.
Um, you know what, you should…
You should come visit.
It's only a two and a half hour drive from Cleveland.
Oh. Oh, Krista told me you were moving.
Congrats on the job, by the way.
Yeah, I'm, you know, still kind of on the fence about it.
I have a shit-ton of stuff going on around here,
and wouldn't wanna cancel my students.
Well, the ones I have left anyway.
Okay.
O-Oh, shit, shit.
-Uh, good morning, sir! -Shut up.
Yes, sir.
-You should probably… -Uh, nah, I should--
-Yeah, I should, um… -That's a great idea.
Thank you so much.
Grab this right here, and, uh…
Mm. Okay, bye.
I'll never forgive you for this.
-You're not supposed to be here.
I hate her.
I know.
Got you something.
Thank you.
How come you're so nice to me but not nice to Dada?
-Dada, are you in there?
Cracked open a couple Thums Up, and set up carrom dash.
-For a rematch before we go out to eat.
I still maintain that I didn't cheat,
but if the only way to prove it to you is a rematch, I'm game.
Um, you know, it's cool. We can always play later.
Totally cool.
…and also because I thought to myself, you know,
this is a good opportunity to have a vacation.
So then I called Dr. Ali,
and she agreed to help me.
Ma, what you did, faking being on your death bed,
is literally like one of those Bengali soap operas
you're so obsessed with.
Where do you think I got the idea from?
It's reassuring to know which side of the family
we inherited the bizarre from.
Mm, we need to make sure you take the bread home
in a doggy bag, huh?
Why would you order another basket if you weren't gonna eat it?
I am going to eat it.
Tomorrow morning for breakfast.
Dada, Dada, let's…
Let's tell them it's your birthday.
Boony…
I have a headache.
You know what, we'll take the rest of this to-go,
then we'll go home, no?
Mm.
But you love telling them it's your birthday.
They come over, and they sing that stupid song,
and they have the cake with the one candle in it,
and you hate cake, so you give me the cake, and then…
Prosopopoeia.
P-R-O-S-O-P-O-P-O-E-I-A.
Prosopopoeia.
A figure of speech in which an imagined or absent person or thing
is represented as speaking.
My head hurts.
Pretty bad.
Really bad.
Dada's tired.
-So when's your going away party? -What do you mean?
You can take the job now. There's no Jaya to look after.
-Dada's on his meds. -That's good, right?
He's there, but he's not, like, there.
The lamictal-lithium combo just kills his personality.
I get it now. I get why he hates the meds.
Mon, it's okay.
He sleeps all the time.
Even when he's awake, it's like he's asleep.
I Googled into bipolar black hole last night,
and I saw the definition with him.
Around your brother?
He's not a stranger.
Exactly.
It was normal, but then it just got all blurry.
It's never blurry.
Okay, first of all, you have to get the fuck off Google.
And second of all, at rehab, we addicts were fed all kinds of pills.
I went through, like, six different pills
before one didn't make me absolutely insane or fat or nauseous.
But he hates me.
No, his body is just figuring things out right now.
If you're worried, get involved. Call his doctor.
Maybe there's another pill he can take.
Maybe.
Yeah, if he even wants me involved.
Do not let Sonny's thing be another excuse.
You can't just take care of people your whole life
without taking care of yourself.
-Cleveland sucks though. -Well, so do the Browns.
But the job doesn't.
I mean, think of all those shiny beakers and petri dishes
and microscopes you'll get to play with.
Yeah.
Oh, hold on.
-I know it's not V-Day…
…but I thought you could use some old-school Wombat love tonight.
-I do not deserve you. -Yes, you do.
I know.
I didn't mean that, it just felt like something I should say.
Wombat rules for life!
Oh, I know. You're allergic to flowers.
Payal, if you spell this next word correctly,
we will declare you the 2020 Harold Junior High Spelling Bee champion.
Morosoph.
Definition, please.
Morosoph is a philosophical or learned fool.
-Language of origin? -Obsolete French and Greek.
Are there any alternate pronunciations?
-Just the one. -Part of speech?
Noun.
Can you please repeat the word?
Morosoph.
M-O-R…
I don't give a fuck.
-Morosoph.
That is absolutely not correct!
Payal, goodness gracious, take your seat.
Derek, you are the 2020 Harold Junior High Spelling Bee champion,
which means you're gonna be going to the regionals next month in Harrisburg.
So, that's all the time we have today.
Sonny didn't even say anything.
I don't have anything to say to you.
Why did you come?
Because you wanted me to.
That was last time.
I know.
I'm sorry. I was scared.
Not to blame you for anything,
but that's when I convinced myself that I wasn't bipolar, that I was cured.
I was afraid you were gonna love me less
because you thought I was One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
I fucking love you so much.
I hated not talking to you.
You're my big Dada.
Then this thing, this invisible disease just took over,
and I felt like the old you died and some stranger just took your place.
It's still me. It's still your big Dada.
I was just ashamed
because I didn't understand what was happening to me.
And after everything with Baba, I…
I just didn't want to hurt anyone else, so I just stayed away.
I thought that was the best thing for everybody.
I missed you.
I missed you too.
I know I let you down.
My little Boony…
I just thought if I ignored it
and pretended like nothing was wrong, it would all just magically go away.
Me too.
And now, Boony, you take the sindoor, and phota it on Dada.
Dada has to phota me first.
That is not bhai phota.
This is so sexist.
How come Indians celebrate a Brothers Day, but not a Sisters Day?
-Ugh. Forget it.
Hey, hey, hey, just-- Just sit down.
Sit down, sit down. I'll do it, okay? I'll phota you first.
It can be Brother and Sister Day.
-Oh, Hindu gods are so chill. -Very chill.
Ma, I just feel like you're just pulling those chants out of your ass.
Don't say that A. I hate that A.
Did you know the definition of a male donkey is…
Ass!
-Do the phota!
Mine looks better though, right?
-You could tell us. Tell us the truth. -Y-- No!
We're old. We're old enough. We can handle it.
Who-- Which one's better?
-I don't choose between my children. -Ha, bullsh--
I'll see you in Cleveland.