ALL ABOARD!
You're kidding me. What was I thinking of?
Vlad, ready?
Screw it.
What the heck? Are you out of your mind?
In August, there's no snow. Hurry up!
8- It's not funny. - Jokes off limits now?
Vlad, cut it out. Move it now!
Funny fail.
Who is it?
Mom.
Can I talk?
Hurry up, go on!
Vlad, please!
No, in the next room.
I can't tell him now.
Just before his summer camp with friends. Let him enjoy it.
We'll tell him after.
Leave it to me.
Focus on you. I've got this.
You're kidding me, come on!
Help me, can't you?
It's Marie.
Yeah, I'm on my way.
What? They're bringing their kids to your place.
I'm not on my way.
I'll be on my way. Soon.
What the hell! Move!
Let's go!
It's a mess. I can't help you with the kids.
Shit! How come?
Work emergency. I take it or lose it.
- No choice. - I didn't catch that. What?
I can't hear you. Dammit!
I can't hear you!
- Dad! - It's breaking up.
Quit yelling hello then.
Gramps!
Can you hear me?
Come on!
I'll call you back.
You're here?
To say goodbye to my grandchildren.
Sure, go on, say goodbye.
Where were you?
Buying groceries.
With a suitcase?
Yes.
He totally blew you all off.
Marie called. She can't come with me.
It's no big deal. I have it covered.
Excuse me?
All right...
Kids and train is too much alone.
You'll lose them.
Come off it, seriously it's...
It's not sensible. The kids are tricky right now.
Calm down, Gaston. Calm down!
What's with you all?
You think I suck?
Marie.
Sorry, we were cut off. We need another person to go.
I can go if you want.
No way.
- Who's that? - Nobody, just my dad.
Not your dad, please!
Don't worry, there's no way.
We'll crack this. We'll find someone.
My ex, not a chance. Your wife?
- Complicated? - Forget it.
Nobody else can do it?
Nobody can step in?
- I'm stuck. - Me too.
Same here. We have plans.
Mom maybe?
Mom's complicated right now.
She's overrun. Anyway, I'm here.
Yeah, I know.
- How about I go alone? - Douchebags!
I booked the train, the camp...
They could move their fat asses.
What was that?
Nothing. How about I go alone?
Come off it. Honestly, it's a pain.
Leave it with me.
You go as planned, and I'll find someone.
Don't forget Maxime.
- Who's Maxime? - Audrey's son.
Arnaud's new squeeze.
- The dorkbrain? - I couldn't say no.
She'll meet you on the platform.
I'll keep you posted.
Yeah, big kiss.
I can take them. I don't see what the problem is.
The problem is, I can't trust you.
You take them to the opera
and cops haul them from the catacombs.
Horrible! My kids in handcuffs.
- So embarrassing! - It was only once.
When I took them to the theatre...
it all went great.
The palace of Versailles...
- Gramps, I'm scared. - Don't be.
- Just great. - It was...
awesome!
Absolutely great, in fact.
The Orsay Museum...
didn't go too bad.
Not too bad, except for Jane's dislocated shoulder.
Mom, it was the kick from all the art.
I look stupid?
No way.
Of course, I understand.
You must have other options.
Ok, but if anything happens to them, never again.
Where are they?
- Excuse me... - Sir?
How long before we leave?
Three minutes.
Freeze or I'll punch your ticket!
Jacques-Yves!
You'd go without Michaud?
What brings you here?
Just a moment.
Weren't you, like, retired?
Clearly not.
I heard...
It was canceled.
What? You wanna check?
I'm on duty with Cédric.
Nope.
It's great to be back in the field.
Stop that!
Lots of kids.
If you want, I've got it.
No, as the saying goes...
Get back in the saddle.
Where's this Benjamin of yours?
- Can you see him? - There he is!
Him?
Yes!
Shit!
It's not looking good.
- Hey, Benjamin. - Hi, buglets.
Where's Vlad?
They're all aboard. Go ahead!
Hello, I'm Antoine.
Yes, we already met.
Yes, that's right.
Benjamin.
Of course.
Well, about time!
Late trains are down to late passengers.
The Intercity Night Train no. 5789
to Briançon will depart
15 minutes late.
Your lucky day, the train's late.
But if it wasn't late, you'd be late.
Yes, of course.
If you're good to go, welcome aboard.
Enjoy the ride.
Am I right?
Sure.
No, stop that.
You're down below. Me and Basile up here.
I don't see why.
Because!
If we let the kids share one compartment,
we can kick back next door.
Leave them without supervision?
Benjamin, can we go to the bar for dinner Snickers?
You can eat anything you want, champ!
No, there won't be any "dinner Snickers."
Marie made sandwiches.
Where are the sandwiches?
In the sandwich bag.
How about we let the train get going? It's early for dinner.
Dad, we're hungry!
Vlad, please.
- Come on. - Stop!
Buzz kill!
Don't answer back.
Or else France v. England, bye bye.
- I'll ask Mom. - No.
Don't call Mom, she's busy.
- I get it. - You get on my nerves!
I need to go outside.
- For a smoke. - I'll come with.
You smoke?
Yes, but not cigarettes.
A joint now and then?
No, a cigar.
So do you work with my daughter?
No, we met at high school.
She's best friends with my wife.
Really?
- And what do you do? - Homemaker.
Say, young man!
Give a lady a hand up? The steps are a kilometer each.
Sorry, our train's about to leave.
I'm not talking to you!
I'm talking to that pretty fellow there.
Yes, of course.
Let's be quick.
Lazybones can bring my bags!
Be a sweetie pie and take me to my seat.
We have good news!
Our train is ready to go. If not traveling,
please get off and mind the closing doors.
Departure imminent.
Where are they?
You are so helpful. Positively scrumptious!
I can't wait to taste.
I hope we'll run into each other on the journey.
I fear not. Our train's the one opposite to Embrun.
Embrun?
Why on earth not?
- When do we leave? - In a few...
Damn! Benjamin!
Holy shit!
Vlad!
Daddy's not on the train.
I'm not on the train but don't do anything stupid!
Lose the shitty grin! You're under my...
I'll be waiting for you. Stop it!
Cut that out!
It's not funny! I'll be there to meet you.
I'll be there to meet the train.
Vlad, dammit!
For freak's sake!
Shit! Shit!
Shittiest shit!
I have good and bad news.
Bad news is, Dad and Antoine missed the train.
The good news?
Dad and Antoine missed the train!
We can do all we want!
Shitty shit!
That's it...
A catastrophe.
What did we do?
And what will we do now?
Start by calming down.
They're on a train. It's safe.
We're on a train. It's safe.
Just the opposite. It's totally not safe!
They're dopes at that age!
What shall we do?
Call my parents.
Besides that?
- Anything you want. - Like going to bed really, really late?
What would you say
to not going to bed at all?
What's he up to? No idea, who knows?
Call the conductors, the police, anyone.
I'm a doctor. It's not so serious.
The army. Call in the army.
They have choppers!
You're in shock.
Maybe so.
Get a grip, we'll come up with something.
Too bad, I liked the sound of Embrun.
They're gonna give me hell! As for Marie...
What about Marie?
She'll go ape.
Under no circumstance must my daughter find out.
They're her children.
She's my daughter!
If we tell her, she'll slaughter us.
I'll never see my grandkids.
Here's what we'll do. We'll rent a car and catch the train.
Cars and I don't go together.
There must be 7-800 km max.
- When does the train arrive? - Dunno. 7 am?
That gives us 12 hours. Way more than we need.
It could work?
Of course!
Damn kid won't pick up!
My phone's aboard but if you want,
I can call it with your phone.
Someone will answer.
Hello, Basile?
No way!
This is Gramps!
See that? We missed the train.
All right. How's it going with you?
That's great!
Listen, we'll rent a car and meet you off the train at Embrun.
You'll be ok on your own?
Yup?
Good.
And whatever you do, if Mom calls don't pick up.
If she finds out, she'll bawl us all out. You and me.
Good job, Basilou.
Love to Jane, talk later.
All right, bye!
Well?
All good. They're behaving themselves and...
not worrying at all.
All right, let's go.
Here we are!
Shit! Maxence!
- I totally forgot him. - Who?
Hi, Audrey!
I really thought it had gone.
Hello.
Hello, ma'am. I'm Antoine.
No, our train's right here.
Of course, it's not gone. We were waiting for you.
Hi, Maxence.
Maxime.
Super.
So here's his bag.
Give your Mom a kiss goodbye 'cause...
We don't want to miss our train.
All right!
Love you, little prince. Any problems,
call me.
See you.
You're not getting on?
Sure.
Bye!
All right...
Come with me, Maxime.
Here we go...
We're going.
We're...
We're getting on the train.
I'll wave him off through the window.
Obviously.
You want to wave him off through the window.
That's it, we're screwed.
No, it's not so serious.
Where's everybody?
It's a train to Dijon.
In the right direction.
They missed the train?
No...
We missed it.
What's this train?
It's a train.
It's not our train?
Why did we get on it?
You're batshit!
I'm hungry.
Give him 10 Euros to buy himself some food.
I left my wallet on the other train.
Shit, me too.
I don't believe this.
So we'll have...
- Snickers! - 6 snickers...
- And 12 bags of chips. - Anything else?
Coke!
- 6 Cokes. - And ketchup.
Ketchup isn't for sale.
Only comes with hot dogs.
So 6 hot dogs then.
Hello?
Yeah! I ran into this chick...
A real bombshell!
I offered her a coffee, of course.
I'll seal that deal before we arrive. That ass is mine!
Sure, with a pic if I can.
Hey, how are you?
Why don't you pick up? Pick up!
What did I just do?
We missed the train!
No way, I didn't notice.
We'll meet you there.
With a rental?
That was the plan but we were forced onto another train.
- What train? - I don't know yet.
I'm begging you, no messing around.
Eat Marie's sandwiches...
Keep an eye on the little ones.
First Aid is in my bag.
- If you need... - Just a second, Dad.
Yes?
Yes, love to.
Dad, gotta go.
Ginger guy in an overcoat
invited us to his compartment.
Vlad, what is this?
Do not go with gingers on trains.
No, you're right...
I'll invite him to ours.
See you later.
Freaking out. Awesome!
Vlad's ramping it up here.
The highest bullshit bar my son hits when he chooses.
Olympic bullshit from my son.
Ok, look...
Our thing's not working out.
We had wonderful times together,
but I need something new.
Perhaps we'll be reunited one day, who knows?
Young man!
Wait for me.
No, Marie. Why "Vlad"?
No reason really.
Sorry about Dad, I couldn't find anyone else.
You're not mad?
No, not at all. It's great.
Going well?
Yes.
Put him on?
Yes.
Marie...
You're not answering your phone.
I put it on silent mode so it won't bother the kids.
Signal's bad. Where are you?
Seriously? On the train.
Sure, very funny.
It's all good?
They like it, ate their sandwiches?
Yes, they were delicious.
Now, brush teeth and bed.
Perfect. I just got them into pajamas.
Pajamas?
They have no pajamas.
Their outfit, the outfit they...
This is a bad time, actually.
I'm telling them a story. We love you!
What now, we have no tickets?
I know. I'll say you have a mental disorder.
No, enough lies. I've got this.
Hello, sir.
Slight problem.
It's a little tricky, as you'll see...
My father is sick.
He suffers from a disorder that's...
mental and fatal.
We had an appointment earlier
at the hospital in Paris. Very important.
On the way back, he had an attack and...
He ran away,
screaming crazily at anyone he saw.
Fairy...
Skank...
- Slut... - I see.
Bitch, son of a bitch...
Yes, I get it.
He jumped onto this train.
So me and my son...
He's not my Dad.
Hold on a second...
He's not your son?
Not my real son.
But right now, I feel like I'm...
a father to him.
My real son, to tell the truth...
I forgot him on another train.
Anyway, that's irrelevant. So, the doors closed...
And here we are...
All alone, without tickets or money.
With nowhere to go and my...
father yelling the car's full of scumsuckers.
Come with me.
Actually, I don't know if I like Snickers.
Hey, half-pints! Quit mining your noses and beat it.
- It's not fair. - Life isn't fair.
Beat it, you're boring. Move it!
Who does he think he is!
No kidding.
Wait for me.
- Where are you going? - Wait there for me.
So I thought I'd privatize the lounge area for us.
To get to know each other.
Your hair reminds me of Dad, a horse breeder.
Takes me back.
Daddy! Come quickly, Mommy's sick.
What the heck's going on?
No idea, I have no kids. It's all good.
Daddy, why say that about me?
Beat it now.
Go on!
You creep!
Happy, you airhead?
Sorry, I thought you were my Daddy.
Beat it!
Shit, the good stuff too!
There you go.
It's much quieter here.
Shout if you need me.
I nailed it, right?
Yes, you were very impressive.
I'm hungry.
What now? We don't have a penny.
Don't worry, I'm on it.
I'm a doctor.
Their train stops before Embrun?
I don't know.
So, check.
- Doesn't it have internet? - Yes, sorry.
First stop at Beaune, then...
There we go!
Beaune! Just perfect.
- What time does it arrive? - 8:20 pm.
We arrive at Dijon at 7:30.
Dijon-Beaune, by car?
45 mins.
In Dijon, we grab a cab and catch up with them.
We have zero money.
Minor detail.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
See? All under control.
- Him. - Him?
What's wrong with you?
Know what your son did?
Hit my Jordan to steal his sandwich.
No, he's not my son.
- They kidnapped me. - No.
Don't exaggerate, Maxime.
Look, barely started.
Apologize and give it back.
Give it back.
Let go of that!
Here...
Come on, they're weird.
You're cracked.
We'll shortly make an unplanned stop.
For your safety, do not leave the cars.
Shit, I hope that won't make us late.
Hear that?
I found you an ambulance to take you back to Paris.
No, there's no need.
No worries, it's all done.
Thanks!
You're welcome.
What on earth is this?
Look at the mess they made of it!
That poking out...
That!
Get rid of it.
Likewise.
It's nobody's.
Jacques-Yves!
What are you doing?
As you see...
squaring this off.
Guess what, I just read the travel schedule.
And you're not on it.
And?
And so there you are.
Well, I'll need your help, doing compartment 2.
Be right there, when I'm done...
What are you doing? Where are your tickets?
In the bag you just threw out.
Very funny.
Tickets to hand. That's rule no.1!
I could fine you.
But I won't.
Cause I'm good guy Michaud.
A real good guy.
Enjoy the trip.
He's cracked.
Take a seat, sir.
What? I'm not your patient.
We're here for a mental patient
in his early 40s.
Clearly not me.
Who then?
You?
I am Dr. Antoine Villechaize,
surgeon at Bichat Hospital in Paris,
and I'm of sound mind.
Dumbbells!
It says a man in his 40s.
Let me see!
Nonsense!
Look...
I need to get the boy to Beaune for an urgent operation.
- What? - Don't worry, it'll be fine.
I'm warning you, if he touches me, I talk.
Come on, son, be reasonable.
Let me go!
Hurry, before he goes catatonic.
Restrain him and give him oxygen
before anoxia kicks in.
You'll be fine now, son.
Take lots and we'll choose the best.
He'll freak.
Wow, I have boobs!
So big.
Maybe you went too far.
If not, the scumbag ratted us out.
He's far more endearing like that.
Oh my god.
They're dead!
All dead!
Look!
Killed themselves laughing!
You don't know them or what they can do.
It's only ketchup.
You are so naive.
Calm down.
Take deep breaths.
Oxygen's your universal remedy?
Yes.
Not bad.
Doctor, we're there.
We're here!
Prep Room 2 for me!
28 cc of analgesic
and 32 mg of platelet antiaggregant.
Yes.
That's right.
It's my job to take him to...
Yes, prep that for me!
Seriously, Paris doctors!
Bet you he's a big mucky-muck.
Really?
Antoine, it's happening again.
They'll wave at us until we go inside. We're screwed!
Look lively!
It's Marie.
Yes, hello?
Hello, yes?
You're kidding me!
I found the sandwich bag.
You meant those sandwiches?
I see, sorry.
Right, my mistake.
My bad.
You lie to me. I can't trust you.
Let's not fight over sandwiches.
The main thing is the children.
You're interrupting our discussion
of funding for political parties.
We're going deep. Let me concentrate.
Shit!
- Where's the station? - That way.
5 minutes.
Hi, this is Vlad. Leave a message.
It's Dad! We're on our way. See you at Beaune station.
Our next stop on the way to Embrun will be at Beaune.
Alone on a train, with an infinity of possibilities.
And they're riveted to a phone.
Young people today!
Let's have some fun.
Gaston!
Look, a huge bag of candy!
Where?
Where's the candy?
Nowhere. Fooled you!
It's Dad! We're on our...
Shit! They're coming!
Who?
My Dad. They're coming!
There!
How'd he get here?
Not bad for a homemaker.
We gotta do something.
Think!
I know!
- Dad, it's horrible! - We're at the station.
- On the platform. - No!
- We're not on the train! - Yeah, as if.
Honestly. Guys forced us off
and locked us in a van
in the parking lot.
You swear?
I swear, Dad. We're scared.
They've been kidnapped in the parking lot.
What?
- Vlad, where are you? - I can see you, Dad. Behind you.
- Where? - Here!
- What is this? - Other way!
Other way where?
Behind you!
Behind, there's nobody!
I can see you. Look!
Where? You're confusing me!
Where do you think?
On the train outta here. See you!
Where are they, Benjamin?
On the train.
Shitty shit!
You're kidding. We were right there.
Knock it off!
I knew I should never listen to you.
Are you kidding? If not for your pathological credulity,
we'd be on the train by now.
You hypocrite!
All your decisions mess up.
I got us all the way here.
But fine, I'll follow you.
What now?
We could...
No, that's...
It's too late for them to do anything.
I don't know. I'm so shit!
No, you're not shit. Don't say that.
You're just a bit...
gullible.
I'm a complete loser here.
I mess everything up. People laugh at me.
Even you.
I see you struggling to put up with me.
Cut it out!
There are lots of solutions. We just need to...
Whatchamacallit? With people.
An orgy.
Vehicles, lots of people.
A bus.
No!
Nobody knows anybody. Car... cara...
Car-sharing.
Instead of being a smartypants,
look it up on internet.
Don't pffff me!
Yeah.
He was on the steps, boarding.
Poor guy.
Yeah.
Check this out! We found something awesome!
Got one.
A car going to La Rochelle.
- La Rochelle? - Yes.
Great, that's a city.
How about one in the right direction?
Bordeaux? Lyon?
Barcelona? Châteauroux?
Shat-a-Roo!
Lyon, just perfect!
Shat-a-Roo!
We got it.
It's a minivan with four seats free.
- Perfect. - I'll confirm then.
- Cool! - What are you kids doing?
Nothing, it was open. Just looking.
No, no, no. That's forbidden!
I'm tired of you monkeys.
Is that the second time? Third time?
No?
No, second time. That's two too many!
From now on, I have my eye on you.
We didn't do anything.
Yo, we didn't do anything. Whassup!
Little minx, I'll send you into care.
Yeah, go ahead.
Cry, you'll pee less.
Nutcase.
What was that?
Michaud's no nut!
He knows your game.
Kicking up a riot
to get me fired!
I'm warning you...
next time
I see you, catch you,
I'll massacre you.
Jacques-Yves!
Coming!
Hell on earth!
There we are!
So...
What a psycho!
Kinda scary.
Look!
He forgot his keys.
Let's tell him.
Maybe not.
You see?
What?
It all works out.
All works out? What do we do after Lyon?
Who says we'll stop in Lyon?
Who's on the road in a minivan at midnight in the sticks?
Hippies!
They rock up, laidback.
We make friends, talking and joking.
Gradually, our story comes out.
We smoke joints.
We tug at their heart strings.
They're touched.
And they take us to Embrun.
So clichéd, honestly.
Look!
What did I tell you?
I can smell the goat's cheese from here.
Hi, guys, how are you?
We kept you waiting?
You're joking. You're a life savior, sir!
Let me hug you.
Sure, on one condition.
Don't call me sir!
With pleasure!
Shit!
Ok, all together.
A round dance?
It's a bit late for that maybe.
Yeah, let's save it for when we arrive!
What do you have lined up in Lyon?
We're not stopping in Lyon.
We're in deep shit, my friend.
Tell us.
We helped a lady out at the station,
and our train left without us.
Bummer!
With the children aboard.
No way!
And our friends' children.
We hope to reach Embrun before them.
But how?
To be honest,
we have no idea.
Look at me.
You see a guy who leaves friends by the roadside?
I don't know.
Definitely not.
Next stop, Embrun.
Thanks. That is so kind of you.
I'll be straight with you,
we left our wallets on the train so we're broke.
Are you kidding?
You're giving us so much more. An encounter!
True, money kills encounters.
At a restaurant, this guy...
A restaurant?
- Yes, and this guy... - What did you eat?
Steak tartare maybe.
Beat it.
- Buddy, hold on... - Beat it!
- Animal killers. - Murderers!
Meat-eaters!
Freaking lefties!
I think I killed a sheep.
You psychos!
Murderers!
What are you doing?
I'm sick of it.
I'm calling Mom to come get me.
Maxime, I know you're scared and...
And that's normal.
You don't know where you're at, and frankly,
neither do we.
What the heck? Like I give a shit.
Don't be scared of your feelings, but we're gonna make it.
Quit yakking.
My phone.
Stop, your breath stinks.
Let your rage out!
Any way you want. But give me my phone.
Like shit.
Thank you.
You hit me.
That's illegal!
What are you gonna do? Call your mother?
Shit, that was a real smacker.
Don't worry, he's a doctor.
Let's see what he did.
All right, sir?
I can't find the...
Hold on, let me help.
Headed home?
We can't let you drive in your state.
I'll drive.
Come on.
Yes, we're going now.
Over here, fast!
Whose car is this?
The gentleman offered us a lift.
Sir, do you mind if we take a small detour?
See, he agrees.
He's wasted.
I'm a doctor. The best thing for him is to sleep.
Ok, if it's medical.
Where do we drop him?
After we drop ourselves off,
we'll see about him.
Who knows where he lives? I doubt he does.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
Hey, it's Vlad. Leave a message.
Vlad, this is Daddy.
Guess what...
I'm in a car on the way to Embrun.
There you go, all my love.
Daddy calling. Big kiss.
Have a nap.
You think?
Sure.
It's all good now.
No, it's all going just fine.
You're doing a great job.
On arrival, they'll say,
Michaud, what brings you here? You shouldn't be on the train.
Me: Maybe so but...
you gotta admit, it went just fine.
Them: Yeah, you're right. It went fine.
Here, have your job back.
Me: Thanks.
Thanks.
Actually...
you know,
my dream's to work the Thalys.
Them: Well, what a coincidence, we're hiring.
Me: Oh, how about that!
What a stroke of luck!
Michaud, a toast? A glass of champagne?
No, not when I'm on duty.
C'mon, Michaud!
Jacques-Yves.
Take that outside maybe?
You're freaking me out, talking to yourself.
Everything's just fine.
Go back to sleep.
What the hell is this?
What's going on?
Hello!
- What are you doing? - Putting our pajamas on.
Are you shitting me?
You've trashed the place.
No, we just made one stain and wanted to clean it up.
I don't know...
I'm thinking this...
On the ceiling even!
Nuts! You think it's funny?
I'm gonna...
You're gonna what?
Don't act smart, poop tart.
You lucked out.
When I want, I splatter you. This way.
I'd like to see him try.
Really?
Hold this.
You don't scare me. I took down smaller than you.
You don't scare me either.
Is that so? You should be terrified.
What's going on here?
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Chewing the fat with the kids.
If I see you again,
you're dead meat.
Not again. Quit taking stuff out on kids.
Where are your parents?
Problem is, there are no parents.
Go on!
Everybody in!
Go on, you too.
Not acting so big now, huh?
When we arrive, I'll hand you over to the police.
That will be fun.
A quick word?
Sure.
I totally oppose your actions.
What will you do?
I'll start by...
withdrawing my support.
There you go.
It's cool, putting us in the control room.
What are you talking about?
Check out the buttons.
Like here, I'm increasing speed.
From 18
to 40, so we arrive faster.
It's the air con, stupid. We're in a broom closet.
Gramps and Benjamin had better be there.
If it's screwed,
let's punish him for locking us up.
Shit!
What? What's wrong?
No, don't worry, it's...
It's just, we're out of gas.
How long did I sleep?
About 250 kilometers.
Really?
How do we get gas?
James Bond has nothing on him?
Maxime?
What?
Check his pockets.
Whose?
The tux.
I did already. Nothing.
Are you crazy?
Who raised you?
That's stealing!
Whoa, I don't get you guys. You both...
Dug into his pockets?
You want this?
So how do we get gas?
I may have an idea.
Such as?
Just do what I say.
I'll pull in to fill up.
Meanwhile, you take over at the wheel.
There we go.
Very discreetly, start the engine.
And slip it into first gear.
Where am I going?
Take the first left.
Accelerate!
And go, go, go!
Pedal to the metal!
What the heck are you doing?
- You said first left. - Not that first left.
The way out there!
You say first left, I take first left. I do what you say.
Smile, smile...
So that was your plan?
- Fill and fly? - Yes.
That's a non-plan plan
With hindsight, sure.
I guess...
it's pretty effective.
I'd like to see my buddies try.
The guys that blow me off as a flake.
Marie would have a heart attack from the get-go.
She is so tight-assed,
she cannot do anything on the fly.
That's a little harsh.
Maybe.
Trouble is, she's shit boring.
For example, I found a guy to take us out in a dragster.
I'll have to fabricate a story again for her to let me take the kids.
I have no choice!
Yeah, I guess.
It's pretty around here, though.
- You know the region? - Not a bit.
Shit! Cops.
Let them past perhaps?
Antoine, I lost my license 6 months ago.
Goodness!
Well...
Maxime, wake him. We need the car's registration.
Come on.
Your ride's registration papers.
It's not my ride.
- What? - It belongs to some loser.
I'll wreck his wheels.
Game changer.
How come?
It's a stolen vehicle.
Floor it!
Holy shit!
Drive!
Fast, fast!
Ma'am.
Switch off the ignition.
Exacxtly what I was trying to do.
Know why we pulled you over?
I don't have a license but I can explain.
It's because...
You maybe forgot to pay for fuel?
We did?
I forgot to pay for the gas?
I've known this gentleman for years
and I guarantee he always makes a point
of paying for his gas. For sure!
In fact, I'm a...
regular, an aficionado of that gas station.
I've been going there years.
I have their loyalty card.
The Dyneff station?
Yes, the Dyneff station.
He's got a gun!
Listen, kid,
put the gun down.
Be sensible. You're not going to shoot.
The psycho!
He smoked a sheep.
What do we do now?
Drive!
It's your fault, buttface!
Shitbag!
I think he gets it.
Asshole!
We gotta catch them.
Shit!
It's my gun he stole.
He stole it. The shame!
So let's get after them.
Last month, the paddy wagon. Last week, it was my...
Someone swiped my cap at a protest march.
- I'm not cut out for this. - Don't!
- I'm going sick. - No way!
They're too far now. It's pointless.
Look, let's go back to base.
A cup of herb tea.
And we won't tell a soul.
- You think? - Sure.
Come on.
I'll cover for you.
Watch out!
That's enough.
That'll stink like it's rotten.
That turns it green.
I'll try some of mine.
No, Gaston, only the stinkiest.
- And now? - Splash it around the cars.
The door?
With these.
Sheep!
You ok?
Nothing broken?
You?
Hello.
Sure.
If we stay here, they'll catch us.
Come on.
Happy morning!
Little jerks!
The big jerk!
Let's go! Go, go, go!
Quickly!
You too. I saw you!
Key.
Key!
If I hear a peep out of you again,
I can't say what will happen but...
it won't be pretty.
What's that smell?
- It stinks. - Dunno, but it makes me laugh.
Sorry, but where are we?
Not far now.
No time to waste, let's go.
C'mon, Antoine, wake up!
I quit.
What?
Enough now. We've tried everything.
All that could go wrong went wrong.
Antoine, chin up, we're nearly there.
Cut out the lame optimism. It's pathetic!
I'm sick of it. Got that?
Sick of it!
What about Marie?
Too bad for Marie.
And the others.
They'd have found out anyway.
And the children?
Knock it off.
They'll get over it.
I mean now. Who picks them up?
If we don't, will you ever see them again?
Stop the parenting lessons.
Your homemaker's homilies, I've had it up to here.
You're right.
You were such a perfect father.
I beg your pardon?
You ever change a diaper?
Irrelevant.
Marie may be tight-assed, as you say,
but she raises two kids on her own.
All work, no fun, and no sex for 5 years!
But she's "shit boring!"
Ok, fine!
No, not fine.
Look after her instead of yourself.
You can help her and you don't.
Pisses me off!
I've heard it all now. It's not your problem!
It so is.
I'm looking at raising my son on my own, too,
without Marie's strength or anyone to help me!
Come off it.
50% of couples get divorced. People move on.
What? What divorce?
My wife has cancer.
Cancer, get it?
She's doing chemo.
Maybe she won't make it.
I don't have the guts to tell my son.
So, no way am I not there when they arrive.
Catch that train
and I show him we can cope without his mom.
I don't care what you do but I'm not giving up.
Never, you hear me?
Benjamin...
I'm sorry. Sincerely.
You know,
it is what it is.
You're right, I'm a schmuck.
No, you're not a schmuck, Antoine.
It's not about you.
You can change stuff, but me...
This is no time for this.
Come along or there'll be hell to play, doctor.
I believe the expression is "hell to pay."
But "to play" works too.
No hanky-panky for 5 years, you said?
Don't tell her I told you.
Chimel?
Where are you, bro?
In the cabin, and you? You ok?
Sure.
Get down here.
We got a big, big issue.
There's a stench
that is absolutely rancid.
People are dropping like flies.
Or maggots.
Are you drunk?
What is this now? I'm on my way.
Sure.
The cops!
They found us!
The looks on your faces!
Jeez!
You jerks!
Joker.
Yeah!
And quit carrying that around.
Here. I hate those things.
We take his shit?
Maybe you overreacted.
You think?
Headbutting a child...
Vlad.
Not acting so big now, huh?
As soon as we arrive, I'll hand you over to the police.
Shit!
You drained my battery with your dumbass games.
You're pure trouble!
Look, a farm.
They'll help us, right?
Come on.
Anyone home?
Shit!
Who the hell are you?
No, keep cool, it's fine.
We'll be going, sir.
We saw nothing.
You have stuff to do.
No, he's just my buddy, Humphrey.
He was your buddy? Reassuring.
Let's go.
No, wait!
I didn't kill him. He self-destructed.
It's not our style to judge.
He torched his tubes with vintage pear brandy.
Produced locally, absolutely extraordinary.
Would you like...
He fell over fast asleep.
Like a real dope.
So you rolled him up in a rug?
He's a heck of a chunk of meat.
I rolled him in the rug
to drag him to the cart.
Look, it's a misunderstanding.
No, don't cry. That's very awkward.
Put your hands down, please.
There, better now?
Can you help us? With no car,
we need to get to Embrun
in under an hour.
No sweat.
It's around the corner, 20 minutes away.
I could perhaps take you, if you want.
Sure, with pleasure.
I just gotta drop Humphrey off home.
Just down the trail.
C'mon.
Sure...
We can leave him right there.
Jacqueline!
What?
He's back!
You drunkards got wasted again?
- See you. - Bye, big kiss.
At what time did you say the train was?
- In 40 minutes. - 40 minutes?
No, we'll never make it.
There are roadworks. It's an hour's drive.
When we had an hour, you said "no sweat."
In normal conditions. But there are roadworks.
Maybe you can take a boat from the marina.
Just down the trail.
You have a boat?
Nope.
Funny guy.
I'm a farmer, not a sailor.
What a moron!
We'd be on time except for him.
I know but violence doesn't solve anything.
- There's the key. - Magnificent.
This is our time, Benjamin!
Well?
It should start.
Shit!
Crazy.
Or there's this!
We can't go in that.
What now?
Sorry, I'm beat.
It's exhausting.
And I get seasick.
If you want, I...
Can it.
If you want, I could put foot to pedal.
Be my guest.
Make yourself useful for once.
Thanks, guys.
A blast!
Thanks for?
Thanks for all this.
It's superbly well done.
Inspired ideas,
the best bachelor party ever.
How do you know Seb?
Seb? Who on earth's that?
All right,
I get it.
Didn't say a word.
- Chimel! - Jacques-Yves...
I am so sorry.
I wanted to say, you have my full support.
So much support.
Super support.
Ladies and gentleman, this is your conductor speaking.
On behalf of our captain,
I inform you our train has been
rerouted to go to Brest.
We will be going on strike permanently.
For more info or complaints, talk to
- Conductor Michaud. - Jerks!
Your name's on the radio!
It's him! He's Michaud!
It's him!
To make up for the inconvenience,
here's a brief musical interlude.
Come on, Antoine!
Move, it's still some way.
Hurry. I'll catch my breath and join you.
What was going on aboard, Gabriel?
In terms of...
Michaud?
How come you're here?
I'll tell you.
Keeping things under control. If not, chaos.
I apprehended a gang of thugs
on the rampage. Here they are.
Come out!
There's a lot of them. One...
Two.
There's more. Three, four.
Look, pullulating. Five, six.
A swarm.
Your thugs are children!
You have no idea.
And their parents? They weren't alone aboard?
Problem is, there are no parents.
Right, I'll go that way. You go that way.
- What are we looking for? - Zip it!
Excellent!
Edward, you're drunk!
Dad!
Look!
There you are! I was looking everywhere.
Are you out of your minds, going off like that?
Poppet.
You know them?
Of course! I'm his father and group leader.
I searched the whole train. Where were you?
Blame him.
He locked us up.
- You locked up the kids? - Not locked up.
Neutralized them.
Sir, calm down, please!
- Michaud, explain! - We're all ears.
Yeah, speak up. We're all ears.
Sir, no violence!
Come this way. Follow me.
Parents or not, they trashed my train.
- A point to him. - It wasn't them.
It wasn't them.
Who then?
- It was me. - Yeah, sure.
You soaped up a car,
endangering passenger safety?
Yes, I sure did.
Cause I'm crazy.
A nutcase, scared of nothing.
Look at your crappy badge.
You and your cap!
Look, my sleeve. You like my sleeve?
- Take it. - What the heck?
Self-harm!
Sir, keep calm.
- We'll take you in. - It's nonsense.
Look at her.
She made a costume with train curtains.
You did that?
That's awesome.
- Really good. - That's not the point.
People will file complaints and I'll be first to testify.
This is a mess, so what we'll do
is call Railroad Police.
We'll contact the parents and clarify all this.
Great idea.
You blame us after this guy kidnaps the kids.
Absurd!
Actually, I'll file a complaint.
Kidnapping's serious.
Sir, I can assure you
this individual is not rail staff.
There.
Which explains my surprise.
Well, I gotta move my train.
Two officers will be here in 10 minutes.
Stay here, Michaud, for now.
I don't know if you hear me...
Your attention, please.
Passengers on track 4...
Gramps!
will leave from track 2.
Passengers on track 2 will leave from track 4.
As for passengers on track 1...
they must transfer to track 2.
What the hell? Morley-Pegge, Dumont,
stop that!
Track 3, no, my mistake...
Passengers on track 4
will leave from track 1.
Passengers on track 2
must transfer to track 4
and those on track 3
must transfer to track 2.
Let's go around.
One final detail.
- It's mindblowing. - What is?
To think all this is for me.
Seb's a crackpot.
Sir, open up!
- Open the door. - Your attention...
To all passengers!
All trains will depart 10 minutes early for security reasons.
Euvrard! De Witte!
Inform passengers. Maintain order.
You stay there, right?
Ok, kids, let's go.
He said, don't move.
Really?
What will you do?
We can whale on each other, too.
You have anger issues, don't you?
2 seconds, scram.
You know, people like you...
One...
Come on.
Arrivals, with luck.
All good.
Thank you for your attention.
We wish you a very pleasant trip.
Please, open the door!
Be reasonable, open up.
Come out, sir!
You win.
I surrender.
- We have no handcuffs. - No, no handcuffs.
You walk in front.
Don't pull anything.
That was so funny.
The conductor spooked by your dad.
You saw how he left?
A total takedown.
You have fun together, right?
You had fun on the train, too.
Yeah, you bet!
There!
That's for the stunts you pulled on the train!
France v. England in London,
you'll be with me.
Yeah, I know.
I get that you're divorcing and Mom's leaving us.
What absolute nonsense!
We're madly in love. Forever.
Yeah but...
Forever, hear me?
Gramps!
- Well? - 600 euros, no less!
"For abusing and degrading official equipment
"for offensive purposes."
This will make a souvenir.
Let's go.
Come on, kids.
One last thing...
We keep this whole thing quiet.
If your parents hear we missed the train, I'll tell them
what you did aboard.
Got that? No one has a problem with it?
Didn't hear you.
No, Benjamin.
Ok, let's go.
You talked with Vlad?
No.
His mother and I...
will tell him later after a fun vacation.
If you need anything, did I mention that I'm a doctor?
I wanted to say bravo.
The organization, you nailed it!
You really don't get it.
Honestly, we don't know Seb.
This is not a bachelor party.
Yeah, love it!
Love it. So funny.
It's Marie.
Dad, just wondering if you arrived safely?
Obviously. We were on a train, what could go wrong?
No, it's just that I was worried.
Stop worrying. I've got this.
You do everything
and I wasn't always there for you, but trust me.
Let me make up for it.
Have fun, put yourself first.
I've got it. Everyone's waiting for me.
- Love you. - Love you too. I'll call later.
So no more lying to Mom when we go tagging the Metro?
Yes. I mean, no!
She doesn't need to know that.
I get in too, I guess.
No.
Seb's on his way.
Cool!
- Wait here for him. - All right.