1 00:00:04,989 --> 00:00:08,943 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:10,989 FEMALE NARRATOR: Our love lives can quite easily 3 00:00:11,014 --> 00:00:12,683 be reduced to data. 4 00:00:13,005 --> 00:00:15,820 For instance, by the time the average person 5 00:00:15,845 --> 00:00:17,787 ends up with the love of their life, 6 00:00:17,812 --> 00:00:20,335 they will have been in seven relationships. 7 00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:24,014 Of those, two are often long-term relationships, 8 00:00:24,039 --> 00:00:26,625 while the rest are a mix of short-term flings, 9 00:00:26,650 --> 00:00:29,451 casual dating, and one-night stands. 10 00:00:29,476 --> 00:00:32,397 The average person will also fall in love 11 00:00:32,422 --> 00:00:33,922 two of those times 12 00:00:33,947 --> 00:00:36,507 and have their heart broken twice as well. 13 00:00:36,929 --> 00:00:38,904 Yet behind all of those numbers, 14 00:00:38,929 --> 00:00:41,843 there is always a much bigger story. 15 00:00:42,060 --> 00:00:46,310 This is the story of Darby Carter. 16 00:00:47,401 --> 00:00:50,814 Darby doesn't remember her parents ever being married. 17 00:00:50,839 --> 00:00:53,170 They got divorced when she was four, 18 00:00:53,195 --> 00:00:54,585 and she spent her childhood 19 00:00:54,610 --> 00:00:57,397 being shuttled back and forth between their new houses 20 00:00:57,422 --> 00:00:59,257 and new families. 21 00:00:59,703 --> 00:01:02,148 Coward. Won't even come to the door. 22 00:01:02,173 --> 00:01:03,882 It's fine, Mom. 23 00:01:04,173 --> 00:01:07,856 NARRATOR: This made Darby feel like a permanent hotel guest, 24 00:01:07,881 --> 00:01:10,765 one who couldn't stay past 12:00 checkout. 25 00:01:10,790 --> 00:01:12,022 Hi, Larry. 26 00:01:12,047 --> 00:01:14,064 [UPBEAT MUSIC] 27 00:01:14,147 --> 00:01:16,522 NARRATOR: As a result, Darby's adolescence 28 00:01:16,547 --> 00:01:20,226 was marked by myriad misguided attempts at connection. 29 00:01:20,251 --> 00:01:21,687 You didn't have to walk me home. 30 00:01:21,712 --> 00:01:23,703 Oh. But my house is just up there. 31 00:01:23,728 --> 00:01:25,564 I didn't know you lived up here. 32 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,687 - Bye. - Bye. 33 00:01:31,422 --> 00:01:33,839 NARRATOR: Darby had no idea where she was, 34 00:01:33,864 --> 00:01:36,049 and she was so nervous that this young man 35 00:01:36,074 --> 00:01:37,856 would find out she'd been lying 36 00:01:37,881 --> 00:01:41,534 that she took an anxiety poo in his family's yard. 37 00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:44,799 When Darby moved to New York for university, 38 00:01:44,824 --> 00:01:48,323 she imagined she'd become a cosmopolitan woman. 39 00:01:49,015 --> 00:01:50,581 Okay, yeah. Hi. 40 00:01:50,606 --> 00:01:52,909 NARRATOR: In reality, it was fun, 41 00:01:52,934 --> 00:01:54,987 but slightly empty. 42 00:01:55,474 --> 00:01:56,854 Get the curtain. 43 00:01:59,839 --> 00:02:02,456 NARRATOR: Darby started to wonder if she'd ever reach 44 00:02:02,481 --> 00:02:04,064 the next level, 45 00:02:04,089 --> 00:02:06,772 where you're really dating someone, 46 00:02:06,797 --> 00:02:08,564 where you don't change your outfit 47 00:02:08,589 --> 00:02:10,797 just because you're seeing the person, 48 00:02:10,822 --> 00:02:13,238 where you just wear what you're wearing 49 00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:15,388 because you are who you are. 50 00:02:15,511 --> 00:02:18,760 And then she met Augie Jeong. 51 00:02:18,808 --> 00:02:22,659 ♪ ♪ 52 00:02:22,975 --> 00:02:24,487 - _ - All right, baby girl. 53 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:26,252 This is the hottest you have ever looked 54 00:02:26,277 --> 00:02:27,689 in your entire life. 55 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:29,273 - I'm serious. - These are your clothes. 56 00:02:29,297 --> 00:02:31,272 What is it like to be an actual goddess? 57 00:02:31,297 --> 00:02:33,606 Oh, my God. I'm PMS-ing. It's been dark since 4:00 p.m. 58 00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:35,472 - I'm in no mood, man. - Yeah, and I have a UTI, 59 00:02:35,496 --> 00:02:37,939 but it's Jim's birthday, so we gotta rally. 60 00:02:37,964 --> 00:02:39,547 All I'm doing for his birthday 61 00:02:39,572 --> 00:02:41,096 is, like, karaoke and a blow job, 62 00:02:41,121 --> 00:02:42,932 so they both have to be really good. 63 00:02:42,957 --> 00:02:44,823 I would never miss Jim's birthday. 64 00:02:44,848 --> 00:02:46,528 I would, however, make a polite appearance 65 00:02:46,553 --> 00:02:48,877 - and then skip out early. - You are killing me. 66 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:50,587 Once you leave, it's just gonna be his work friends 67 00:02:50,611 --> 00:02:52,314 talking about Occupy Wall Street. 68 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:53,713 Hey, you ladies are looking good. 69 00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:55,620 - We know, bro. - Eat shit, motherfucker. 70 00:02:55,645 --> 00:02:58,346 ♪ And I was thinkin' 'bout myself ♪ 71 00:02:58,371 --> 00:03:01,424 ♪ Then there she was ♪ 72 00:03:01,729 --> 00:03:04,354 ♪ In platform double suede ♪ 73 00:03:04,379 --> 00:03:08,088 - ♪ Yeah, there she was ♪ - Yeah! 74 00:03:08,113 --> 00:03:11,147 I think Jim wants to fuck that Zooey Deschanel wannabe. 75 00:03:11,172 --> 00:03:13,298 Shut up. He's so in love with you. 76 00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:15,981 No, I know he is, but I still think he wants to fuck her. 77 00:03:18,897 --> 00:03:19,933 ♪ Who's that lounging... ♪ 78 00:03:19,957 --> 00:03:22,620 People can love people and still fuck other people. 79 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,215 You done with the book? 80 00:03:24,812 --> 00:03:26,534 - What? - Did you pick a song yet? 81 00:03:26,559 --> 00:03:27,838 Okay, fuck this. 82 00:03:27,863 --> 00:03:30,010 Um, uh... 83 00:03:30,158 --> 00:03:31,282 Sorry. 84 00:03:31,307 --> 00:03:33,190 Hey, bitch. Excuse me. 85 00:03:33,215 --> 00:03:35,190 - All right, titty boy. - Yeah, I don't know. 86 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,909 No, no. We can look together. 87 00:03:38,281 --> 00:03:39,776 Um... 88 00:03:39,801 --> 00:03:41,301 I'm... I'm Augie, by the way. 89 00:03:41,326 --> 00:03:43,401 - Uh, Darby. - Furby? 90 00:03:43,885 --> 00:03:45,095 - Darby. - Darby. 91 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:46,297 Yeah, I know. 92 00:03:46,322 --> 00:03:48,767 I've gotten Furby before, at Starbucks a lot. 93 00:03:48,792 --> 00:03:49,792 - Right? - Yeah. 94 00:03:49,817 --> 00:03:51,308 The names that I've gotten on my cups... 95 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:53,290 - ... fuckers. - [LAUGHS] 96 00:03:53,315 --> 00:03:56,002 ♪ I smell sex and candy ♪ 97 00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,213 Wow, Jim's girlfriend's on one, huh? 98 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,238 - Sara? - Yeah. 99 00:03:59,263 --> 00:04:00,893 Yeah, um... 100 00:04:00,918 --> 00:04:02,253 yeah, she can't handle her liquor, 101 00:04:02,277 --> 00:04:04,612 but uh, she drinks every night anyway. 102 00:04:04,637 --> 00:04:08,268 Cool. So, she's an alcoholic. 103 00:04:08,293 --> 00:04:10,446 - No! No. - [LAUGHS] 104 00:04:10,471 --> 00:04:13,167 I mean, she's... you know, if we were older... 105 00:04:13,192 --> 00:04:14,214 - Right. - Maybe, but like, 106 00:04:14,238 --> 00:04:15,885 right now, she's just, like, so fun. 107 00:04:15,910 --> 00:04:17,346 [LAUGHS] 108 00:04:17,371 --> 00:04:20,792 ♪ ... surely is a dream ♪ 109 00:04:20,817 --> 00:04:23,940 Um, I actually have a song up next, 110 00:04:23,965 --> 00:04:26,995 if you wanted to duet, perhaps? 111 00:04:27,862 --> 00:04:29,401 - You already picked one? - Yeah. 112 00:04:29,426 --> 00:04:31,101 I just wanted to talk to you. 113 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,182 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 114 00:04:35,207 --> 00:04:37,707 BOTH: ♪ You cut me open and I ♪ 115 00:04:37,732 --> 00:04:39,476 - ♪ Keep bleeding ♪ - Oh, this part I know. 116 00:04:39,501 --> 00:04:41,807 BOTH: ♪ Keep, keep bleeding love ♪ 117 00:04:41,832 --> 00:04:43,620 - Happy birthday, Jim! - ♪ I keep bleeding ♪ 118 00:04:43,645 --> 00:04:46,065 BOTH: ♪ I keep, keep bleeding love ♪ 119 00:04:46,090 --> 00:04:48,526 - I mean, I know a little bit. - [LAUGHING] ♪ Keep bleeding ♪ 120 00:04:48,551 --> 00:04:50,573 BOTH: ♪ Keep, keep bleeding ♪ 121 00:04:50,598 --> 00:04:52,870 - New York classic. - Oh, boy. 122 00:04:53,112 --> 00:04:56,088 People just say things like "New York classic." 123 00:04:56,113 --> 00:04:59,030 [MELLOW MUSIC] 124 00:04:59,055 --> 00:05:01,763 ♪ ♪ 125 00:05:01,788 --> 00:05:03,954 Well, this is me. 126 00:05:03,979 --> 00:05:05,520 [LAUGHS] 127 00:05:05,545 --> 00:05:07,252 I'm glad I got you home safe. 128 00:05:07,277 --> 00:05:09,026 These mean streets. 129 00:05:09,669 --> 00:05:12,976 Um, uh... 130 00:05:13,001 --> 00:05:15,459 I'm trying to think of something else to say. 131 00:05:15,484 --> 00:05:17,401 Well, I should, um... 132 00:05:18,732 --> 00:05:20,377 I should, uh... 133 00:05:42,323 --> 00:05:43,581 My other roommate, Mallory, 134 00:05:43,606 --> 00:05:46,206 like, literally lives in this alcove thing. 135 00:05:46,231 --> 00:05:47,637 - Yeah? - Yeah. 136 00:05:47,662 --> 00:05:49,995 Um, yeah, so... 137 00:05:50,020 --> 00:05:53,057 I promise this isn't, like, a move, 138 00:05:53,082 --> 00:05:56,565 but is it cool if we hang out in my room? 139 00:05:57,235 --> 00:05:59,049 Yeah. 140 00:06:00,576 --> 00:06:02,404 Um, I mean, they've been divorced 141 00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:04,334 for 20 years or something. 142 00:06:04,359 --> 00:06:05,359 So what about you? 143 00:06:05,384 --> 00:06:07,640 Uh, my parents were the complete opposite. 144 00:06:07,665 --> 00:06:10,312 High school sweethearts that are somehow still in love. 145 00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,062 - That's nice. - But they're Satanists, 146 00:06:12,094 --> 00:06:13,898 so I guess it's not all good, right? 147 00:06:14,552 --> 00:06:16,094 Balances out, you know? 148 00:06:16,119 --> 00:06:17,944 Yeah, that's fair. 149 00:06:18,032 --> 00:06:19,835 Are you losing on purpose? 150 00:06:19,860 --> 00:06:21,319 This is so pathetic. 151 00:06:21,344 --> 00:06:22,391 Well, I mean, to be honest with you, 152 00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:23,680 I'm pretty sure you made this game up. 153 00:06:23,704 --> 00:06:26,226 Oh, I did not. How dare you? 154 00:06:26,251 --> 00:06:27,827 This is a very popular game. 155 00:06:27,852 --> 00:06:29,101 Who's played this game before? 156 00:06:29,126 --> 00:06:30,702 I've explained this to lots of people, 157 00:06:30,727 --> 00:06:32,179 and nobody has ever critiqued 158 00:06:32,204 --> 00:06:33,852 - me as a teacher. - No, no, no, I... [LAUGHS] 159 00:06:33,876 --> 00:06:35,859 They've... they say it's so fun. 160 00:06:35,884 --> 00:06:38,226 So I don't know. You're the first... 161 00:06:38,251 --> 00:06:43,679 ♪ ♪ 162 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,585 - I do want to hear about this game. - I'm gonna tell you. 163 00:06:47,633 --> 00:06:49,398 - Just gonna... - Oh, yes. 164 00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:51,843 - Yeah, it's... Yeah. [GIGGLES] - I can... 165 00:06:51,868 --> 00:06:56,868 ♪ ♪ 166 00:07:00,239 --> 00:07:01,513 - Ow. - What? 167 00:07:01,538 --> 00:07:03,005 - You're bony. - [LAUGHS] 168 00:07:03,030 --> 00:07:04,697 - What? - Just... I mean, 169 00:07:04,722 --> 00:07:06,161 you... I just mean you have, like, 170 00:07:06,186 --> 00:07:11,169 a surprisingly slender, fit, um, body. 171 00:07:11,194 --> 00:07:12,599 Mm-hmm. Thank you. 172 00:07:13,419 --> 00:07:14,537 Oh, no, don't, don't, don't, don't. 173 00:07:14,561 --> 00:07:15,725 I'm sweaty, I'm sweaty, I'm sweaty. 174 00:07:15,749 --> 00:07:16,927 It's okay. I like it. 175 00:07:16,952 --> 00:07:18,880 [PANTING] 176 00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:23,905 ♪ ♪ 177 00:07:25,292 --> 00:07:28,251 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 178 00:07:28,276 --> 00:07:33,276 ♪ ♪ 179 00:07:55,204 --> 00:07:58,225 [BREATHES DEEPLY] 180 00:08:04,835 --> 00:08:06,289 - Like, embarrassed. - Babe, you were good. 181 00:08:06,313 --> 00:08:07,479 It was good. 182 00:08:08,002 --> 00:08:09,983 - Hey. - Oh, hey. 183 00:08:10,008 --> 00:08:11,905 Good morning, bud. 184 00:08:11,930 --> 00:08:13,694 - Good morning. - Hey. 185 00:08:13,719 --> 00:08:15,139 Do you have coffee here? 186 00:08:15,164 --> 00:08:17,065 Uh, I could make another pot. 187 00:08:17,090 --> 00:08:19,030 Oh, no, that's okay. I'll go out and grab some. 188 00:08:19,055 --> 00:08:21,382 - Just gonna... - Oh, yeah, go for it. It's communal. 189 00:08:21,913 --> 00:08:24,538 [MOUTHING WORDS] 190 00:08:26,901 --> 00:08:28,655 - Hey, morning. - Hi. 191 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:29,905 [BOTH LAUGH] 192 00:08:29,930 --> 00:08:31,546 Um... 193 00:08:31,899 --> 00:08:33,514 I had a lot of fun last night. 194 00:08:33,539 --> 00:08:36,522 'Cause you had a good time. I... it was fine for me. Whatever. 195 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,991 Um, anyway, I have to, uh... 196 00:08:40,016 --> 00:08:41,017 [SIREN CHIRPS IN DISTANCE] 197 00:08:41,041 --> 00:08:42,523 I have to go play basketball with some buddies. 198 00:08:42,547 --> 00:08:44,553 Yeah, I have to, um, knit scarves 199 00:08:44,578 --> 00:08:46,069 with the other Army wives. 200 00:08:46,094 --> 00:08:47,983 - Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Nice. - Yeah. 201 00:08:48,617 --> 00:08:50,905 Do you want my number, or... 202 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:53,343 I'm just gonna leave it all up to chance, you know? 203 00:08:53,368 --> 00:08:55,936 I think I got a $5 bill. You seen "Serendipity"? 204 00:08:55,961 --> 00:08:58,293 That's a... uh, that's a solid reference, man. 205 00:08:58,318 --> 00:08:59,443 [LAUGHS] 206 00:09:05,498 --> 00:09:06,983 Okay. 207 00:09:07,490 --> 00:09:09,163 Bye. 208 00:09:09,368 --> 00:09:11,100 [SQUEALS] Oh. 209 00:09:13,243 --> 00:09:15,913 - Okay, seriously. - Okay, okay. 210 00:09:15,938 --> 00:09:17,406 - Like, that's enough. - I'll leave, I'll leave. 211 00:09:17,430 --> 00:09:18,882 Okay. 212 00:09:20,321 --> 00:09:22,029 All right, I'm leaving. 213 00:09:22,885 --> 00:09:25,186 - See you, Jimbo. - See you at work, buddy. 214 00:09:25,211 --> 00:09:26,961 - See you, Sara. - Bye. 215 00:09:28,927 --> 00:09:30,561 Um, I'm sorry. 216 00:09:30,586 --> 00:09:32,320 I'm sorry. What just happened? What just happened? 217 00:09:32,344 --> 00:09:33,586 - What just happened? - Excuse me. 218 00:09:33,610 --> 00:09:35,663 Do I have a husband now? Is he my husband? 219 00:09:35,688 --> 00:09:37,280 I don't... I mean, I just... is that... 220 00:09:37,305 --> 00:09:38,999 Is that what... Is that how that works? 221 00:09:39,024 --> 00:09:41,702 Yeah, well, I'm glad to see you're taking it slow. 222 00:09:41,727 --> 00:09:44,272 I'm just excited. 223 00:09:44,297 --> 00:09:45,507 Be happy for me. 224 00:09:45,539 --> 00:09:47,999 - Jim. - Come on, Jim. Please. 225 00:09:48,024 --> 00:09:51,139 - So serious, Jim. - Please be happy for me. 226 00:09:51,164 --> 00:09:52,569 Mm, I can't think straight. 227 00:09:52,594 --> 00:09:54,844 - Help me, help me, please. - All I can do is smell these bath salts 228 00:09:54,868 --> 00:09:55,951 - that I got... - Morning. 229 00:09:55,976 --> 00:09:57,952 - Oh, hey. - Ugh, Darby. 230 00:09:57,977 --> 00:10:00,684 Thank God. I need a woman to look at these. 231 00:10:00,709 --> 00:10:03,309 Which font do you like for the escort cards? 232 00:10:03,334 --> 00:10:05,669 - This one or this one? - Um... 233 00:10:06,198 --> 00:10:07,657 The left one. 234 00:10:07,927 --> 00:10:09,755 - Yes. See? - Mm-hmm. 235 00:10:09,780 --> 00:10:11,264 Told you, babe. Whatever one you want. 236 00:10:11,288 --> 00:10:12,974 Oh, God, honey, have an opinion. 237 00:10:12,999 --> 00:10:14,584 It is your wedding too. 238 00:10:14,609 --> 00:10:16,044 - Mm... - Okay. 239 00:10:16,069 --> 00:10:17,084 Speaking of which, Darby, 240 00:10:17,109 --> 00:10:19,209 do you plan on bringing someone to the wedding? 241 00:10:19,234 --> 00:10:20,818 Not to pressure you or anything. 242 00:10:20,843 --> 00:10:23,177 Um... yeah. 243 00:10:23,202 --> 00:10:24,451 - Whoa. - Hmm. 244 00:10:24,476 --> 00:10:26,201 - New boyfriend? - I don't know. 245 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,643 - Maybe. - [LAUGHS] 246 00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:28,975 Explains why you look like shit this morning. 247 00:10:28,999 --> 00:10:30,170 - Okay. All right. - [LAUGHING] Oh. 248 00:10:30,194 --> 00:10:31,810 Let's... let's leave her alone. 249 00:10:31,835 --> 00:10:32,974 - See you at home. - Bye. 250 00:10:32,999 --> 00:10:33,999 - Bye, Kate. - Bye. 251 00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:37,138 Darby, your first tour today is some assholes from Gawker. 252 00:10:37,163 --> 00:10:38,849 Oh, fuck you. 253 00:10:38,874 --> 00:10:40,755 Gawker? What do I like about this job? 254 00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:43,068 Maybe 'cause you get to say "fuck you" to your boss? 255 00:10:43,093 --> 00:10:44,677 Very true. All right. 256 00:10:44,969 --> 00:10:46,591 - _ - NARRATOR: That whole day, 257 00:10:46,616 --> 00:10:48,154 Darby was buoyant. 258 00:10:48,179 --> 00:10:50,470 Who knew when she'd see Augie again, 259 00:10:50,495 --> 00:10:52,904 but for now, she was walking on air, 260 00:10:52,929 --> 00:10:55,471 alive with the glow of a new connection. 261 00:10:55,634 --> 00:10:56,763 - _ - The next day, 262 00:10:56,788 --> 00:10:58,560 that glow began to wear off, 263 00:10:58,585 --> 00:11:00,185 and she hadn't heard from him, 264 00:11:00,210 --> 00:11:02,904 so Darby went to great lengths to keep herself busy, 265 00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:06,351 deciding it was time to color-code her book collection. 266 00:11:06,517 --> 00:11:07,912 Hey. 267 00:11:07,937 --> 00:11:09,818 [MELLOW MUSIC] 268 00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:13,802 Do you think I should do, like, an accent wall in here? 269 00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:16,068 What kind of accent? 270 00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:18,091 Just... I mean, just like... 271 00:11:18,116 --> 00:11:19,787 - Australian? - Oh, my God. 272 00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:20,812 That's not helpful. 273 00:11:20,837 --> 00:11:22,254 You know what I'm going through. 274 00:11:22,279 --> 00:11:23,788 [AUSTRALIAN ACCENT] Darby, I'm an accent wall. 275 00:11:23,812 --> 00:11:24,818 I hate you. 276 00:11:24,843 --> 00:11:26,646 - _ - NARRATOR: The third day was harder. 277 00:11:26,671 --> 00:11:29,334 Darby sunk into an awful apprehension. 278 00:11:29,359 --> 00:11:31,317 Why hadn't Augie texted? 279 00:11:31,548 --> 00:11:32,923 Was she boring? 280 00:11:32,948 --> 00:11:34,448 Was her body weird? 281 00:11:34,698 --> 00:11:37,309 Darby's brain started doing mental gymnastics, 282 00:11:37,334 --> 00:11:40,476 coming up with ways she could casually run into him. 283 00:11:40,501 --> 00:11:43,232 Honestly, like, at this point, I'm kind of pissed. 284 00:11:43,257 --> 00:11:46,255 You know, I'm tempted to, like, just go to Politico and confront him. 285 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,677 Okay, Darby, look, I love you, 286 00:11:47,702 --> 00:11:49,584 but do remember that's my place of work, okay? 287 00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,044 So keep that in mind. 288 00:11:51,069 --> 00:11:52,935 - No, please, do it. - Thank you. 289 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,241 - She thinks it's funny. - Honestly. 290 00:11:54,265 --> 00:11:55,279 I would never. 291 00:11:55,304 --> 00:11:57,238 I would never! Mostly. Maybe. 292 00:11:57,263 --> 00:11:58,459 - Are those dates? - Mm-hmm. 293 00:11:58,484 --> 00:12:01,115 Okay, so date farmers are on strike in Mexico, 294 00:12:01,140 --> 00:12:02,717 so technically, you guys are like scabs. 295 00:12:02,741 --> 00:12:04,335 You know what, Jim? We don't need that from you. 296 00:12:04,359 --> 00:12:05,460 Jim, we don't need that from you. 297 00:12:05,484 --> 00:12:07,826 - _ - On the fourth day of radio silence, 298 00:12:07,851 --> 00:12:09,787 Darby buried herself in her work. 299 00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:11,943 ... very special tour: the butt tour! 300 00:12:11,968 --> 00:12:13,693 - [WOMEN CHEERING] - Yeah. 301 00:12:13,718 --> 00:12:16,010 I'm tired. How long is this tour? 302 00:12:16,035 --> 00:12:18,052 It is two full hours. Get ready. 303 00:12:18,077 --> 00:12:20,077 - Fuckin' heels. - Okay. 304 00:12:20,102 --> 00:12:22,076 We're gonna start over here. 305 00:12:22,101 --> 00:12:24,927 This super cute muscular bronze butt. 306 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,099 This Greek bronze butt is very rare 307 00:12:27,124 --> 00:12:29,249 because when Romans took over Greek dominions, 308 00:12:29,274 --> 00:12:30,491 they knew how valuable the bronze was 309 00:12:30,515 --> 00:12:32,147 the sculptures were made of, so they often 310 00:12:32,171 --> 00:12:34,498 melted them down to make armor and weapons, 311 00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:37,287 and we're very fortunate that this sculpture's been preserved 312 00:12:37,312 --> 00:12:39,826 so we can all enjoy its very... 313 00:12:39,851 --> 00:12:42,841 emotional, expressive clenched butt. 314 00:12:42,866 --> 00:12:45,537 [LAUGHING] It looks like Spencer's dick. 315 00:12:45,562 --> 00:12:48,029 - [LAUGHTER] - Okay, guys, please. 316 00:12:48,054 --> 00:12:49,388 Don't touch the statues. 317 00:12:49,413 --> 00:12:51,726 This is... this is really against the rules. 318 00:12:51,751 --> 00:12:52,880 [DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC] 319 00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:54,241 NARRATOR: As Darby watched this woman 320 00:12:54,265 --> 00:12:57,373 climb a statue that had managed to survive centuries, 321 00:12:57,398 --> 00:12:58,732 she couldn't help but marvel 322 00:12:58,757 --> 00:13:01,318 that someone chose this person. 323 00:13:02,126 --> 00:13:04,240 And not just for a day, 324 00:13:04,265 --> 00:13:06,591 but for the rest of her life. 325 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,638 Darby couldn't even get a "Wazzup?" 326 00:13:11,662 --> 00:13:13,316 _ 327 00:13:13,341 --> 00:13:15,242 Around her, life continued 328 00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:16,755 as if somehow there was anything 329 00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:19,363 more important than what she was going through. 330 00:13:19,409 --> 00:13:20,990 By this point, she'd managed 331 00:13:21,015 --> 00:13:23,001 to pull her flat mates into it 332 00:13:23,026 --> 00:13:25,485 as she carried on in the grand tradition 333 00:13:25,510 --> 00:13:27,885 of women waiting by the phone. 334 00:13:27,910 --> 00:13:30,037 [PHONE CHIMES] 335 00:13:30,568 --> 00:13:32,279 - It's your dad. - Good. 336 00:13:32,304 --> 00:13:33,740 Uh, he wants to know 337 00:13:33,765 --> 00:13:37,934 "who sings the song... 'Wonderwall'..." 338 00:13:37,989 --> 00:13:39,531 Ugh. 339 00:13:40,409 --> 00:13:42,326 I'm sorry it wasn't Augie. 340 00:13:42,351 --> 00:13:43,768 It's okay. 341 00:13:43,810 --> 00:13:45,357 You know, it was my dad. 342 00:13:45,382 --> 00:13:47,288 At least it wasn't my gym asking where I've been. 343 00:13:47,312 --> 00:13:48,521 [CHUCKLES] 344 00:13:48,546 --> 00:13:50,169 Oh, my God. Why am I spinning out? 345 00:13:50,194 --> 00:13:51,654 All this sucks. 346 00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:54,512 Why don't you just take the reins and text him? 347 00:13:55,831 --> 00:13:58,240 - Can I do that? - No, you can't. 348 00:13:58,265 --> 00:13:59,779 Look, I know it's fucked up, 349 00:13:59,804 --> 00:14:01,560 but you have to wait for him to hit you up. 350 00:14:01,585 --> 00:14:02,585 Are you s... 351 00:14:02,610 --> 00:14:04,381 I don't want to get into a political debate about it. 352 00:14:04,405 --> 00:14:06,044 It's just the world right now. 353 00:14:06,069 --> 00:14:07,482 Says the girl who made Jim 354 00:14:07,507 --> 00:14:10,240 read his high school diary out loud to you 355 00:14:10,265 --> 00:14:11,848 like there are zero boundaries. 356 00:14:11,873 --> 00:14:13,529 - Look... - Boundaries don't exist. 357 00:14:13,554 --> 00:14:15,154 Yeah, 'cause I paid my dues. 358 00:14:15,179 --> 00:14:18,138 Look, you can play the crazy card down the road, 359 00:14:18,163 --> 00:14:20,538 but right now, you gotta, like, bear down. 360 00:14:20,563 --> 00:14:21,647 No, no, no. No, no. 361 00:14:21,672 --> 00:14:23,459 That shit's so antiquated. 362 00:14:23,484 --> 00:14:25,388 Listen, why do you need a boyfriend right now? 363 00:14:25,413 --> 00:14:26,827 Honestly, look what it's doing to you. 364 00:14:26,851 --> 00:14:28,701 This isn't Jane Austen times. I'm sorry. 365 00:14:28,726 --> 00:14:30,459 I think I'm just stressed because, like, 366 00:14:30,484 --> 00:14:32,170 I told my boss that I was bringing a plus-one 367 00:14:32,194 --> 00:14:33,857 to his wedding, and now I think 368 00:14:33,882 --> 00:14:35,615 it would be super embarrassing 369 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:37,029 to just, like, not bring anyone. 370 00:14:37,054 --> 00:14:39,287 I know what you're thinking, you little 0 to 60 freak. 371 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,624 Even as a favor. I could just be like, 372 00:14:40,648 --> 00:14:41,974 "Hey, as a friend, as a buddy..." 373 00:14:41,999 --> 00:14:45,201 You cannot invite Augie to that wedding, right? 374 00:14:45,226 --> 00:14:46,404 Oh, my God. 375 00:14:46,429 --> 00:14:48,841 I'm obsessed with him, and it's so pathetic. 376 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,748 [PHONE CHIMES] 377 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,084 I'll just... 378 00:14:59,151 --> 00:15:02,177 - [SQUEALS] - No way! 379 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:03,618 [BOTH SQUEAL] 380 00:15:03,643 --> 00:15:05,685 - [LAUGHS] - Fine. 381 00:15:05,710 --> 00:15:07,357 - I'm gonna be totally chill. - Totally. 382 00:15:07,382 --> 00:15:08,982 - I'm gonna be totally chill. - Mm-hmm. 383 00:15:09,007 --> 00:15:11,216 [CHILL MUSIC] 384 00:15:11,241 --> 00:15:13,693 Haven't actually read any Jane Austen. 385 00:15:13,718 --> 00:15:14,897 - What? - I know, which was surp... 386 00:15:14,921 --> 00:15:16,279 Deal-breaker. I can't do this. 387 00:15:16,304 --> 00:15:17,748 - Oh, you too? - I'm kidding. 388 00:15:17,773 --> 00:15:19,115 - Okay. - Kidding. 389 00:15:19,140 --> 00:15:20,365 - 'Cause Mallory... - Uh-huh. 390 00:15:20,390 --> 00:15:22,427 Was making fun of me, 'cause I don't... 391 00:15:22,452 --> 00:15:24,702 Actually, there is one of these books that I've been looking for. 392 00:15:24,726 --> 00:15:27,373 Why wouldn't we get ten romance novels? 393 00:15:28,204 --> 00:15:31,123 Okay, so if I had to tell you something... 394 00:15:31,148 --> 00:15:32,623 - Yeah. - ... unexpected about me... 395 00:15:32,648 --> 00:15:35,232 Yeah. I'll give you $1,000. 396 00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,740 Wh... that you wouldn't have guessed this was... 397 00:15:37,765 --> 00:15:39,941 No, I'll give you $1,000 to tell me something 398 00:15:39,966 --> 00:15:42,108 - that really shocks me. - I was just gonna tell you for free. 399 00:15:42,132 --> 00:15:44,124 I was just gonna tell you for free. 400 00:15:44,323 --> 00:15:46,185 I was actually so into musical theater 401 00:15:46,210 --> 00:15:48,146 that my mom thought that I was gay. 402 00:15:48,171 --> 00:15:49,421 - Oh. - She asked me 403 00:15:49,446 --> 00:15:51,482 if I had seen the movie "Milk," 404 00:15:51,507 --> 00:15:53,505 because she had rented it. 405 00:15:53,717 --> 00:15:55,427 And she thought it was really important 406 00:15:55,452 --> 00:15:56,873 that we watch it together. 407 00:15:56,898 --> 00:15:58,896 - [LAUGHING] - That's so sweet. 408 00:15:58,921 --> 00:16:00,004 - Yeah. - That's nice. 409 00:16:00,029 --> 00:16:01,974 - Yeah. - You know, um, 410 00:16:01,999 --> 00:16:05,373 I, too, have done some musical theater. 411 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,505 - Get the fuck out. - Yeah, in high school. 412 00:16:07,530 --> 00:16:09,263 - One time... - Mm-hmm. 413 00:16:09,288 --> 00:16:11,568 - In "Cats"... I know. - You were in "Cats"? 414 00:16:11,593 --> 00:16:13,490 - Yeah. [LAUGHS] - What? 415 00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:15,451 Like, there were so many kids, 416 00:16:15,476 --> 00:16:17,677 and there weren't enough parts... 417 00:16:17,702 --> 00:16:19,404 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So they, like, 418 00:16:19,429 --> 00:16:21,248 did that thing where they made up a cat. 419 00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:22,491 Just... but just for you, though. 420 00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,287 Yeah. It was something insane. 421 00:16:24,312 --> 00:16:26,812 It was like Carbucketty or something. 422 00:16:26,837 --> 00:16:29,927 - Carbucketty? - Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. 423 00:16:30,748 --> 00:16:34,162 I... is it weird that I'm kind of turned on 424 00:16:34,187 --> 00:16:36,162 by you being an ensemble cat? 425 00:16:36,187 --> 00:16:38,017 You're such a jerk. 426 00:16:38,042 --> 00:16:39,748 [BOTH LAUGH] 427 00:16:39,773 --> 00:16:40,940 This is stupid. 428 00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:42,287 Do... [GROANS] 429 00:16:42,312 --> 00:16:44,623 Do you want to go to my boss's wedding with me? 430 00:16:44,648 --> 00:16:47,565 [TENDER MUSIC] 431 00:16:48,477 --> 00:16:50,669 What? You don't have to. 432 00:16:50,694 --> 00:16:51,826 No, yes, I do! 433 00:16:51,851 --> 00:16:53,052 I do want to go! 434 00:16:53,077 --> 00:16:54,873 I do want to go. 435 00:16:55,399 --> 00:16:57,865 - Yes, absolutely. - Great. 436 00:16:58,024 --> 00:16:59,349 When is it? 437 00:16:59,374 --> 00:17:01,540 - I don't know. - Okay, great. 438 00:17:01,565 --> 00:17:03,940 Lin for the win! 439 00:17:03,965 --> 00:17:05,794 [PEOPLE CHEERING] 440 00:17:05,819 --> 00:17:06,919 This dude is unbelievable. 441 00:17:06,944 --> 00:17:08,568 - I'm losing my mind. - What a great day. 442 00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:09,676 - Holy shit! - Yes! 443 00:17:09,701 --> 00:17:11,302 Linsanity forever! 444 00:17:11,327 --> 00:17:12,451 He's on fire! 445 00:17:12,476 --> 00:17:13,828 Oh, Darbs, are you into sports now? 446 00:17:13,852 --> 00:17:14,958 - Is that... - I don't know. 447 00:17:14,983 --> 00:17:16,302 I'm trying to sound cool. 448 00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:17,404 You do sound cool. 449 00:17:17,429 --> 00:17:18,619 - Thank you. - You're hustlin'. 450 00:17:18,643 --> 00:17:19,644 - I don't know. - I'll take it. 451 00:17:19,668 --> 00:17:22,055 - Yes. - This kid came out of fucking nowhere. 452 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,454 I... tell me about it. 453 00:17:23,479 --> 00:17:24,844 - Shit. - NARRATOR: It was January 454 00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:26,407 when they met at karaoke, 455 00:17:26,432 --> 00:17:27,508 and by February, 456 00:17:27,533 --> 00:17:29,774 they were acting like boyfriend and girlfriend. 457 00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:31,251 Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. 458 00:17:31,275 --> 00:17:33,039 Okay. Please do. 459 00:17:33,064 --> 00:17:34,689 - These are fakes. - What? 460 00:17:34,714 --> 00:17:36,672 - Don't tell anybody. - Okay. 461 00:17:37,326 --> 00:17:39,250 They ignored all the usual rules 462 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:41,430 about keeping things mysterious. 463 00:17:41,455 --> 00:17:43,829 - [GRUNTS] - [BLOWING NOSE] 464 00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:44,868 [URINE TRICKLING] 465 00:17:44,893 --> 00:17:47,018 You guys are nasty! 466 00:17:47,043 --> 00:17:50,032 [UPBEAT PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] 467 00:17:50,057 --> 00:17:52,057 ♪ ♪ 468 00:17:52,316 --> 00:17:53,914 [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] 469 00:17:53,939 --> 00:17:55,212 - Nice. - That's gonna be the one. 470 00:17:55,236 --> 00:17:56,986 - [LAUGHS] - For sure. 471 00:17:57,011 --> 00:17:58,094 I love this table. 472 00:17:58,119 --> 00:17:59,744 I want ten more beers. 473 00:17:59,769 --> 00:18:01,811 Does anybody else want ten more beers? 474 00:18:01,971 --> 00:18:03,346 Just me? 475 00:18:03,371 --> 00:18:05,091 NARRATOR: For too long, she'd merely watched 476 00:18:05,116 --> 00:18:08,149 these kinds of relationships from the outside, 477 00:18:08,174 --> 00:18:10,422 and anything she knew about the way they felt 478 00:18:10,447 --> 00:18:12,489 was purely speculative. 479 00:18:12,690 --> 00:18:16,065 But now she had some firsthand experience. 480 00:18:16,376 --> 00:18:20,292 This is what it was really like to love someone. 481 00:18:20,317 --> 00:18:23,626 [TENDER MUSIC] 482 00:18:23,985 --> 00:18:26,563 Lin on the penetration, he got bottled up... 483 00:18:26,588 --> 00:18:28,383 What happened to our friend? 484 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,074 He's just having an off night. 485 00:18:30,290 --> 00:18:31,844 Hey, Aug, we're gonna roll. 486 00:18:31,869 --> 00:18:32,870 - All right, man. - I'll see you at home. 487 00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:34,064 Sorry, buddy. They'll bounce back. 488 00:18:34,088 --> 00:18:35,836 Yeah, thanks for coming, man. See you, Sara. 489 00:18:35,861 --> 00:18:37,344 - See you, Sara. - Bye. 490 00:18:37,369 --> 00:18:39,071 Bye, Mallory. 491 00:18:39,096 --> 00:18:41,586 [INDISTINCT TV CHATTER] 492 00:18:41,611 --> 00:18:43,320 I'm sorry, baby. 493 00:18:43,513 --> 00:18:45,524 It's okay. Thank you. 494 00:18:46,548 --> 00:18:49,506 [RELAXED MUSIC] 495 00:18:49,531 --> 00:18:52,110 ♪ ♪ 496 00:18:52,135 --> 00:18:53,855 Is this what it's like being a Knicks fan? 497 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,836 [CHUCKLES] 498 00:18:55,861 --> 00:18:57,476 Yeah, kind of. 499 00:18:57,501 --> 00:18:58,696 ♪ ♪ 500 00:18:58,721 --> 00:19:00,344 Hey, um... 501 00:19:00,369 --> 00:19:01,953 ♪ ♪ 502 00:19:01,978 --> 00:19:04,103 - What's up? - Oh, uh... 503 00:19:04,391 --> 00:19:06,235 [SCOFFS] Never mind. It's cool. Nothing. 504 00:19:06,260 --> 00:19:07,580 - Whoa. - It's cool. It's nothing. 505 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,836 Hey, come on. Don't do that. 506 00:19:09,861 --> 00:19:10,891 - Oh, my God. - No. 507 00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:12,392 I just, um... 508 00:19:13,415 --> 00:19:14,815 I just don't want you to freak out, 509 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,586 'cause this timing really sucks, but, uh... 510 00:19:17,611 --> 00:19:20,258 Okay. [SNEEZES] Sorry. 511 00:19:20,283 --> 00:19:22,242 - Bless you. - Thank you. 512 00:19:22,267 --> 00:19:23,725 Uh... 513 00:19:23,843 --> 00:19:26,133 I just found out that 514 00:19:26,158 --> 00:19:28,450 Politico wants to send me out on the road 515 00:19:28,475 --> 00:19:30,235 as an embed in a couple of weeks, 516 00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:32,414 and I'll be gone till November, so... 517 00:19:33,010 --> 00:19:34,579 Oh, wow. 518 00:19:34,604 --> 00:19:35,854 - Yeah. - Ugh. 519 00:19:35,879 --> 00:19:37,485 - [CHUCKLES] - Okay. 520 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:41,188 I mean, well, if you're gonna be gone till November... 521 00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:44,204 Well, no, 'cause, you know, if all goes well, 522 00:19:44,229 --> 00:19:46,524 then after that, I'd be working out of the D.C. bureau, 523 00:19:46,549 --> 00:19:48,446 which would be like... 524 00:19:48,792 --> 00:19:50,392 I'd be moving there. 525 00:19:51,385 --> 00:19:54,157 Um... okay. 526 00:19:55,727 --> 00:19:59,559 Is that, like, optional or... 527 00:19:59,584 --> 00:20:00,672 [SCOFFS] 528 00:20:00,697 --> 00:20:02,321 I mean, I guess it is, but I... 529 00:20:02,346 --> 00:20:03,822 It's a pretty big opportunity 530 00:20:03,847 --> 00:20:06,024 - for me, you know. Yeah. - Right. Yeah. 531 00:20:06,049 --> 00:20:08,466 - No, of course. - Yeah. 532 00:20:08,491 --> 00:20:09,571 What the fuck am I saying? 533 00:20:09,596 --> 00:20:11,486 I'm gonna be on Obama's press bus and everything. 534 00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:13,289 It's... it's my dream. 535 00:20:13,448 --> 00:20:16,198 - Dude, that's amazing. - Yeah. 536 00:20:16,223 --> 00:20:17,598 - Yeah. - I mean, congratulations. 537 00:20:17,623 --> 00:20:18,790 - Oh, thank you. - Holy shit. 538 00:20:18,815 --> 00:20:20,032 Thank you very much. 539 00:20:20,057 --> 00:20:21,477 [STAMMERING] And look. 540 00:20:21,502 --> 00:20:25,289 If that makes you not want to hang out with me anymore, 541 00:20:25,314 --> 00:20:27,571 I totally get it, because... 542 00:20:28,071 --> 00:20:30,063 this can't really go anywhere, you know? 543 00:20:30,088 --> 00:20:31,819 Yeah. I mean, it can't go anywhere, 544 00:20:31,844 --> 00:20:33,711 but we were just, like, 545 00:20:33,736 --> 00:20:35,033 seeing if it was gonna go anywhere, 546 00:20:35,057 --> 00:20:36,367 - so it's not a big deal. - Yeah, yeah. 547 00:20:36,391 --> 00:20:37,933 Yeah, right. Right, yeah. 548 00:20:37,958 --> 00:20:39,375 That's... yeah, exactly. 549 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:41,268 I'm really glad we're on the same page about that. 550 00:20:41,292 --> 00:20:43,766 I mean, I know it... It sounds corny, 551 00:20:43,791 --> 00:20:46,989 but I feel like it's my civic duty, in a way. 552 00:20:47,014 --> 00:20:48,075 - Do you know what I mean? - Mm-hmm. 553 00:20:48,099 --> 00:20:51,012 Like, can you imagine if Romney was fucking president? 554 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,517 The world would end. 555 00:20:53,542 --> 00:20:54,833 [BOTH LAUGH] 556 00:20:54,858 --> 00:20:55,981 Um... 557 00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:57,214 Yeah. 558 00:20:57,239 --> 00:20:59,168 But we should just, like, keep hanging out 559 00:20:59,193 --> 00:21:01,145 until you leave, right? 560 00:21:01,170 --> 00:21:02,865 - Are you sure? - I mean, do you not want to? 561 00:21:02,889 --> 00:21:04,451 No, no, no, no, no, I... I definitely do. 562 00:21:04,475 --> 00:21:06,122 I... of course I do. I... 563 00:21:06,147 --> 00:21:07,973 I really like you, Darby. 564 00:21:07,998 --> 00:21:08,998 - A lot. - Great. 565 00:21:09,023 --> 00:21:10,023 - I just... - Great. 566 00:21:10,048 --> 00:21:12,403 Yeah, I just... Yeah. 567 00:21:12,428 --> 00:21:14,123 I've been through the whole long-distance thing before, 568 00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:16,215 and I don't... I don't want either of us to get hurt 569 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,825 or anything like that. 570 00:21:17,850 --> 00:21:20,051 I don't think that's gonna happen. 571 00:21:20,076 --> 00:21:22,833 Okay, so what... I mean, should I just bail? 572 00:21:22,858 --> 00:21:23,899 Is that what we're saying? 573 00:21:23,924 --> 00:21:25,382 On your boss's wedding? 574 00:21:25,407 --> 00:21:27,262 On Augie's last night? No. 575 00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:28,950 Baby, you are playing the long game. 576 00:21:28,975 --> 00:21:31,184 You just... you keep your eyes on the prize. 577 00:21:31,209 --> 00:21:33,333 When you talk about love, you turn into Coach Taylor. 578 00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:34,708 - Really sweet. - Oh. 579 00:21:34,733 --> 00:21:37,434 Coach and Mrs. Coach are the model couple in my eyes, so... 580 00:21:37,459 --> 00:21:38,622 Okay, look, I... 581 00:21:38,647 --> 00:21:40,685 I will be your plus-one if you want to bail on Augie. 582 00:21:40,709 --> 00:21:42,496 - I will be there. I will do that. - Mallory, no. 583 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,245 - I am here for you. - Darby, you just go 584 00:21:44,270 --> 00:21:46,588 with the flow, okay? Who knows what could happen? 585 00:21:46,613 --> 00:21:48,112 It could be a magical night, 586 00:21:48,137 --> 00:21:50,838 and then you could be the first ever real-life person 587 00:21:50,863 --> 00:21:52,392 to chase someone to the airport. 588 00:21:52,635 --> 00:21:54,401 What? 589 00:21:54,565 --> 00:21:56,149 That was, like, a great buildup, 590 00:21:56,174 --> 00:21:57,859 and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. 591 00:21:57,883 --> 00:22:00,612 I've been watching a ton of Hugh Grant movies. 592 00:22:00,637 --> 00:22:02,221 Okay. 593 00:22:02,246 --> 00:22:04,838 [UPBEAT MUSIC] 594 00:22:04,863 --> 00:22:07,510 NARRATOR: And so Darby trudged on with a brave face, 595 00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:09,410 trying to make the best of it, 596 00:22:09,435 --> 00:22:13,127 but beneath that façade was an unavoidable fact: 597 00:22:13,505 --> 00:22:15,755 he was really leaving. 598 00:22:15,780 --> 00:22:17,854 This was really ending. 599 00:22:17,879 --> 00:22:21,620 ♪ ♪ 600 00:22:21,645 --> 00:22:23,309 You look really great tonight. 601 00:22:24,352 --> 00:22:26,143 Thank you. 602 00:22:26,274 --> 00:22:27,690 Um, so do you. You look great. 603 00:22:27,715 --> 00:22:29,090 Oh, thank you. 604 00:22:29,115 --> 00:22:31,542 I mean, it was between this or my tuxedo tee. 605 00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:33,877 - Mm. - Or my "ripped abs" tee. 606 00:22:33,902 --> 00:22:35,846 - Wow. - Or my Bulbasaur tee. 607 00:22:35,871 --> 00:22:36,949 - You've seen that one? - [LAUGHS] 608 00:22:36,973 --> 00:22:39,487 I've... I didn't know you were such a novelty tee guy. 609 00:22:39,512 --> 00:22:40,512 - Really big. - Yeah. 610 00:22:40,537 --> 00:22:42,347 - I go to the club. - There's a club? 611 00:22:42,372 --> 00:22:43,580 - There's a club. - See? 612 00:22:43,605 --> 00:22:45,292 Now, this is why you can't leave. 613 00:22:45,317 --> 00:22:46,721 - Oh... - 'Cause we have so much 614 00:22:46,746 --> 00:22:47,871 to learn about each other. 615 00:22:47,896 --> 00:22:50,230 - There's a club? I want to know more! - Yes, I said... yeah, I know. 616 00:22:50,254 --> 00:22:51,659 I just... 617 00:22:51,684 --> 00:22:53,484 Let's not... let's not think about it tonight. 618 00:22:54,620 --> 00:22:55,760 Yeah. 619 00:22:55,785 --> 00:22:57,702 I kind of can't not think about it. 620 00:22:57,727 --> 00:22:59,174 - Yeah. - So... 621 00:22:59,199 --> 00:23:00,713 [CLEARS THROAT] 622 00:23:00,738 --> 00:23:03,018 Um, should we dance? 623 00:23:03,043 --> 00:23:04,112 - Oh. - Yeah. 624 00:23:04,137 --> 00:23:05,137 Okay. 625 00:23:05,162 --> 00:23:07,409 Make the most of our last night together. 626 00:23:07,715 --> 00:23:09,159 Right. 627 00:23:10,426 --> 00:23:11,718 Yeah. 628 00:23:11,743 --> 00:23:12,845 I don't know if you're ready for this, though. 629 00:23:12,869 --> 00:23:14,307 Oh, boy. 630 00:23:14,332 --> 00:23:16,410 - I don't know him. - I have this philosophy of dance. 631 00:23:16,434 --> 00:23:19,502 I need help, actually. Does anybody have a whistle? 632 00:23:19,527 --> 00:23:21,277 [SOFT MUSIC] 633 00:23:21,302 --> 00:23:24,190 NARRATOR: After a few hours of alcohol consumption, 634 00:23:24,215 --> 00:23:25,862 Darby and Augie found themselves 635 00:23:25,887 --> 00:23:27,221 at that point of the evening 636 00:23:27,246 --> 00:23:30,526 when it's easy to say something you'll regret. 637 00:23:30,933 --> 00:23:33,940 Is it possible to, like, overdose on frosting? 638 00:23:33,965 --> 00:23:36,049 'Cause I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. 639 00:23:36,074 --> 00:23:37,652 - It's like I'm hazing myself. - [LAUGHING] 640 00:23:37,676 --> 00:23:39,759 Nobody's making me do this. 641 00:23:39,844 --> 00:23:41,844 A "Post" headline: 642 00:23:41,869 --> 00:23:46,119 "Tour Guide Dies from Frosting/Open-Bar Combo." 643 00:23:46,144 --> 00:23:48,745 [LAUGHING] 644 00:23:48,770 --> 00:23:50,936 - Wow. - What? 645 00:23:51,251 --> 00:23:54,809 No, I'm glad to know you think of me as a tour guide. 646 00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:55,854 What? 647 00:23:55,879 --> 00:23:58,127 I'm sorry my career isn't as sexy as yours is right now. 648 00:23:58,152 --> 00:23:59,252 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. 649 00:23:59,277 --> 00:24:00,729 [STAMMERS] I was kidding. 650 00:24:00,754 --> 00:24:02,635 - You know I'm kidding, right? - Yeah. 651 00:24:02,660 --> 00:24:03,885 Mm, truth in every joke. 652 00:24:03,910 --> 00:24:05,432 [LAUGHS] 653 00:24:05,457 --> 00:24:07,174 What are you doing right now? 654 00:24:07,443 --> 00:24:08,932 [LAUGHS] 655 00:24:08,957 --> 00:24:10,495 I'm having feelings. 656 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:12,456 I'm sorry, like... 657 00:24:12,481 --> 00:24:14,856 feelings that you are very good at not having. 658 00:24:14,881 --> 00:24:16,221 I'm having feelings too. 659 00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:18,893 I just don't want to process them at your boss's wedding. 660 00:24:18,918 --> 00:24:21,674 Yes, that's fine. That's fine. 661 00:24:21,699 --> 00:24:24,346 - You're right. That's fine. - [SCOFFS] 662 00:24:24,371 --> 00:24:26,917 ♪ ♪ 663 00:24:26,942 --> 00:24:28,734 Darby, I love you. 664 00:24:28,759 --> 00:24:30,534 ♪ ♪ 665 00:24:30,559 --> 00:24:33,385 You don't have to say that. You don't. 666 00:24:33,410 --> 00:24:35,660 You're not... you're not gonna say you love me back? 667 00:24:36,732 --> 00:24:39,495 I do, but what... What's the point of... what's... 668 00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:40,663 Why does there have to be a point? 669 00:24:40,687 --> 00:24:42,187 Okay. I love you. 670 00:24:42,212 --> 00:24:43,627 - Really? - Yeah. 671 00:24:43,652 --> 00:24:44,971 - You know I do. - Awesome! 672 00:24:44,996 --> 00:24:46,752 - That's great! - Yeah, it is great. 673 00:24:46,777 --> 00:24:48,194 It's great. 674 00:24:48,219 --> 00:24:49,471 I love you. 675 00:24:49,496 --> 00:24:51,675 - Bye forever. - Oh, come on. Stop. 676 00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:53,206 That is not fair. 677 00:24:53,574 --> 00:24:56,019 You said long-distance doesn't work. 678 00:24:56,044 --> 00:24:57,535 So fuck it. So fuck it. 679 00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,244 Please don't put words into my mouth. 680 00:24:59,269 --> 00:25:00,473 Is that not exactly what you said? 681 00:25:00,497 --> 00:25:01,622 Just because I'm leaving does not mean 682 00:25:01,646 --> 00:25:03,040 that we'll never see each other again. 683 00:25:03,064 --> 00:25:04,403 - W-we can Skype, right? - Oh, great. 684 00:25:04,427 --> 00:25:06,105 - We can try and make it work. - Oh. 685 00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:07,872 - Oh, my God, we can Skype. - What are you doing? 686 00:25:07,896 --> 00:25:09,519 - Seriously? Hello? - Oh, my God. 687 00:25:09,544 --> 00:25:10,575 Are you really doing this? 688 00:25:10,599 --> 00:25:13,222 This is our last night together, and you're really gonna do this? 689 00:25:13,247 --> 00:25:15,144 Seriously? Come on. What is... 690 00:25:15,169 --> 00:25:17,711 - What do you say? Do you want... - Okay. All right. 691 00:25:18,623 --> 00:25:20,855 Yeah, we can Skype. 692 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:23,172 We can Skype until you find somebody new, 693 00:25:23,197 --> 00:25:25,550 'cause I know how things go on these tour buses. 694 00:25:25,575 --> 00:25:26,597 What? Do you think 695 00:25:26,622 --> 00:25:29,105 I'm going on the road with the fucking Stones? 696 00:25:29,130 --> 00:25:30,547 No. 697 00:25:30,572 --> 00:25:33,574 - I... I work at Politico. This is... - I know. I know. 698 00:25:33,599 --> 00:25:34,911 I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. 699 00:25:34,935 --> 00:25:36,800 - Whatever. - No, it's not... 700 00:25:36,825 --> 00:25:38,972 [EXHALES] 701 00:25:40,302 --> 00:25:41,980 Fucking hell. 702 00:25:42,005 --> 00:25:43,422 ♪ You should be glad ♪ 703 00:25:43,447 --> 00:25:46,621 ♪ Your leading man always be glad ♪ 704 00:25:46,646 --> 00:25:49,042 ♪ Sit by home ♪ 705 00:25:49,067 --> 00:25:51,941 ♪ And let me kiss your lovely lips ♪ 706 00:25:51,966 --> 00:25:54,132 ♪ Ooh ♪ 707 00:25:55,557 --> 00:25:59,089 ♪ Didn't I do it, baby? ♪ 708 00:26:02,131 --> 00:26:04,824 ♪ Didn't I do right? ♪ 709 00:26:08,509 --> 00:26:11,988 ♪ Why you wanna leave me, baby? ♪ 710 00:26:14,950 --> 00:26:17,908 ♪ I said didn't I treat you right? ♪ 711 00:26:21,633 --> 00:26:23,730 ♪ It's a mystery... ♪ 712 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,927 [SNIFFLING] 713 00:26:44,539 --> 00:26:46,285 Can you help me? 714 00:26:50,533 --> 00:26:52,112 Thanks. 715 00:27:02,466 --> 00:27:04,441 Augie, I'm sorry. 716 00:27:06,508 --> 00:27:08,238 I know. 717 00:27:09,201 --> 00:27:11,701 It's okay. We both drank too much. 718 00:27:18,674 --> 00:27:20,883 I really do love you. 719 00:27:23,966 --> 00:27:26,174 I really love you too. 720 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:38,870 [SIGHS] 721 00:27:42,623 --> 00:27:44,503 [SIREN BLARING] 722 00:27:44,528 --> 00:27:46,964 [MELANCHOLY MUSIC] 723 00:27:46,989 --> 00:27:48,434 Hey. 724 00:27:50,195 --> 00:27:52,403 Told you the snow gets gross. 725 00:27:52,850 --> 00:27:55,371 Yeah. Guess you were right. 726 00:27:56,236 --> 00:27:57,253 Uh, by the way, 727 00:27:57,278 --> 00:27:58,878 I have some information 728 00:27:58,903 --> 00:28:01,361 that I think will change your life. 729 00:28:01,768 --> 00:28:03,222 [LAUGHS] 730 00:28:03,247 --> 00:28:05,789 Carbucketty is a real cat. 731 00:28:05,959 --> 00:28:07,394 - What? - [LAUGHS] 732 00:28:07,419 --> 00:28:08,419 What do you mean? 733 00:28:08,444 --> 00:28:10,050 Well, let's just say I spent some time 734 00:28:10,075 --> 00:28:12,825 on the old "Cats" Wikipedia page this morning, 735 00:28:12,850 --> 00:28:14,847 and Carbucketty, 736 00:28:14,872 --> 00:28:16,574 who is also sometimes known as Pouncival, 737 00:28:16,599 --> 00:28:18,503 is very much a real character... 738 00:28:18,528 --> 00:28:19,528 What? 739 00:28:19,553 --> 00:28:21,036 And not at all made up for your production. 740 00:28:21,060 --> 00:28:22,601 Oh, my God! 741 00:28:22,626 --> 00:28:23,769 [BOTH LAUGH] 742 00:28:23,794 --> 00:28:24,917 That's amazing! 743 00:28:24,942 --> 00:28:26,684 I don't know why that makes me want to cry. 744 00:28:26,709 --> 00:28:28,308 - [LAUGHS] - [GASPS] 745 00:28:28,333 --> 00:28:30,503 Ooh! Carbucketty's real! 746 00:28:30,528 --> 00:28:32,642 This is... This is a game-changer. 747 00:28:32,667 --> 00:28:35,144 - [SNIFFS] - I just wanted you to know. 748 00:28:35,169 --> 00:28:36,628 Thanks. 749 00:28:40,276 --> 00:28:41,800 Um... 750 00:28:42,797 --> 00:28:44,213 I should go. 751 00:28:44,238 --> 00:28:46,605 Yeah. Yeah, you should go. 752 00:28:56,751 --> 00:28:58,251 Bye, Darby. 753 00:29:00,665 --> 00:29:02,277 Bye, Augie. 754 00:29:03,532 --> 00:29:05,910 NARRATOR: After a relationship ends, 755 00:29:05,935 --> 00:29:09,253 most people feel like they'll never meet anyone else, 756 00:29:09,278 --> 00:29:11,550 but they always do. 757 00:29:11,575 --> 00:29:13,464 Darby doesn't know it yet, 758 00:29:13,489 --> 00:29:15,572 but her person is out there. 759 00:29:15,597 --> 00:29:17,430 Maybe she's met them already, 760 00:29:17,455 --> 00:29:18,949 maybe she hasn't, 761 00:29:18,974 --> 00:29:20,933 but they are alive in this city, 762 00:29:20,958 --> 00:29:22,956 and they are looking for her too. 763 00:29:22,981 --> 00:29:24,902 ♪ Each step is moving ♪ 764 00:29:24,927 --> 00:29:27,094 ♪ It's moving me up ♪ 765 00:29:27,119 --> 00:29:28,786 ♪ ♪ 766 00:29:28,811 --> 00:29:30,761 ♪ Moving ♪ 767 00:29:30,786 --> 00:29:32,827 ♪ It's moving me up ♪ 768 00:29:32,852 --> 00:29:34,143 ♪ ♪ 769 00:29:34,168 --> 00:29:37,309 ♪ Every step is moving me up ♪ 770 00:29:37,334 --> 00:29:38,488 ♪ ♪ 771 00:29:38,513 --> 00:29:40,726 NARRATOR: It will all happen for her. 772 00:29:41,555 --> 00:29:44,355 Just not the way she thinks it will.