1 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,094 Hawaii. 2 00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,055 Are you ready? 3 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,601 Ladies and gentlemen, 4 00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:23,523 give it up for Jo Koy! 5 00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:26,609 ♪ Five, four, three, two, I let one go ♪ 6 00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:29,029 ♪ Bow, get the fuck though I don't bluff, bro ♪ 7 00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:32,032 ♪ Aimin' at your head like a buffalo ♪ 8 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,367 ♪ You a roughneck, I'm a cutthroat ♪ 9 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,411 ♪ You're a tough guy That's enough jokes ♪ 10 00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:39,122 ♪ Then the sun die The night is young though ♪ 11 00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,665 ♪ The diamonds still shine  ♪ 12 00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:42,459 That's what I'm talking about. 13 00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:44,127 Yes! 14 00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,130 Had to bring it to Hawaii, baby. 15 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:51,426 Aloha is real. 16 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,345 If you're in a bad mood, just , shoot them with some Aloha. 17 00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:58,600 You guys are like Care Bears, it just comes out of your chests. 18 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,311 "Someone having a bad day?" 19 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:03,897 Oh, shit. 20 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:09,110 People in Hawaii brag about shit that no one else brags about. 21 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:11,529 That's real! 22 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,657 'Cause you cher-- you cherish the things that you have. 23 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,410 It's yours. I love this, it's mine, brother. 24 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,081 I had a guy walk up to me, 25 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:24,292 he was like, "Hey, brother, you see my... you see my brand new 26 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,419 2003 Toyota Tacoma? 27 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,632 Cherry, bro. 28 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,426 Fucking cherry! 29 00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:37,263 Lifted, bro. Lifted. 30 00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:40,683 Lifted, 2003! 31 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:43,937 Brand new, 2003. 32 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,273 Toyota Tacoma." 33 00:01:53,571 --> 00:01:55,240 You don't care, you're laid back. 34 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:56,449 You live in paradise. 35 00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:58,701 You don't have time... You're not uptight. 36 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,703 You go out, "Good, we go out." 37 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,832 Dress nice. "Okay, dress nice." 38 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,293 Nice outfit, "Where's my slipper? 39 00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,466 Where's my slipper?" 40 00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,636 You guys will wear a slipper. 41 00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:18,263 "Slipper!" 42 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,806 Always, "Slipper." 43 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,809 "Slipper." Fucking brand new outfit, 44 00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:23,768 "Slipper." 45 00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:28,189 No one outside of Hawaii knows what "slipper"... 46 00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,984 I'll tell you what "slipper" is. It's fucking, look... 47 00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:32,861 -Look, "Slipper." 48 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:35,029 "Slipper, slipper, 49 00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:36,489 slipper. 50 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,077 Slipper, slipper, slipper, slipper." 51 00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:46,875 I don't even know why you wear it. They're barely on your fucking foot. 52 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,132 That's how you guys walk. 53 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:59,179 "Slipper" at the front of your foot. You're not even... 54 00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:01,973 It's not even on your foot. You just, kick the slipper, step. 55 00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:03,016 Kick, step, 56 00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,768 kick slipper, step, kick slipper, step, kick... 57 00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:12,609 You love the vowels. You guys love vowels. 58 00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,820 You don't care. A, the letter A. 59 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,073 How many A's can you put in one street name? 60 00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,577 How many A's? That's too many A's. 61 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:26,539 That's why if anyone comes to Hawaii, I'm talking to the world right now, 62 00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:28,625 if you come to Hawaii, don't ask for directions. 63 00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,794 -All the streets sound the same. 64 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,296 Ask for directions, they'll be like, 65 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:35,465 "Oh, that's easy, brother. This how you get there. 66 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,385 You just go down Kaleakalakaka. 67 00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:45,350 Make a right turn on Laukaladakalakau. 68 00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:49,854 Left turn on Naukauaakala. 69 00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:56,527 And then a right turn on Ahaahahaha'aaa. 70 00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,037 Love everything about Hawaii. 71 00:04:06,537 --> 00:04:07,789 Can't get enough of it. 72 00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:10,416 I don't even listen to the music and I love it. 73 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,210 When I'm here, I can't stop listening to it. 74 00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:14,170 Don't know any of the words. I don't care. 75 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:16,881 I drive and I sing... 76 00:04:33,898 --> 00:04:36,359 You're clapping. I just made that song up. 77 00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:39,946 You guys don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. 78 00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:42,407 All I did was the vowels... 79 00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,633 That hula is this shit! 80 00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:02,468 Hula is everything. 81 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,595 That is the sexiest dance ever. 82 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,515 All that shit they're doing now, all the sexy dances they're doing, 83 00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:09,809 -they stole it from the hula. 84 00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:12,270 Hula... that shit is sexy. 85 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,356 She talks to the man through dance. 86 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,066 -That is sexy. 87 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,569 She tells him what she wants through dance. 88 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,947 "You come see me... 89 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,994 when the sun go down. 90 00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,706 You take me to dinner. 91 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,084 If I like you... 92 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:37,754 I give you pussy." 93 00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:47,221 Everybody, look at this. Every culture. Every race. 94 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:48,973 Every ethnicity is in here, 95 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,183 hanging out, laughing. 96 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:53,478 "Good time." They don't care, "Good time, bro." They don't give a shit. 97 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:58,066 And we look... I look out into the crowd, you can't tell us apart. You can't! 98 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:01,527 You know how many Mexicans my mom walks up to and goes, "Filipino?" 99 00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:08,618 "Mexican!" 100 00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,204 "Sorry, sorry! 101 00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,414 Sorry, sorry." 102 00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:20,254 There's a way you can tell Asians apart from other Asians. 103 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,967 It's by their accent, and only if they have accents. 104 00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:28,304 Out of all the Asians, Koreans are the easiest, 105 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,390 'cause when a Korean person talks, 106 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,101 they sound like they've been smoking weed all day. 107 00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:36,562 Like right before they talk to you... 108 00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:52,328 Koreans sound like Asian ghosts. 109 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,419 My best friend growing up was Korean. 110 00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:01,504 I remember the first time I went to his house, 111 00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:02,880 his dad yelled from upstairs. 112 00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,966 I thought the fucking house was haunted. 113 00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:07,468 -Swear to God, right when I walked in... 114 00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,938 -I was like, "What the fuck was that?" - 115 00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:21,941 "Ah, it's my dad. He just wants to know if you're hungry." 116 00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:26,320 You can do that with any Asian. 117 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:27,530 Vietnamese. 118 00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:30,616 What? I haven't even done anything yet. 119 00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,663 Vietnamese, I love Vietnamese people. 120 00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,582 -You're my... I love you. 121 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,417 You're the smallest of the Asians. 122 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,212 You're smaller, 123 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:44,839 but I will tell you this, 124 00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,924 don't fuck with Vietnamese people. 125 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,427 They will fight anybody. 126 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:52,972 Those little fuckers will fight any... They don't give a shit. 127 00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:56,267 I don't care how strong you are, they will fight you. 128 00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,603 -They will run up to you and say shit. 129 00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:01,397 That's their little feet. 130 00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:06,027 I had one run up to me at the end of the show. 131 00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,448 "Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude?" 132 00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:13,993 -They talk... 133 00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:15,745 They talk... 134 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:19,415 They talk real fast... You know they talk that fast. 135 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,958 They talk like this, real fast, like, 136 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,211 "Dude, what you say to me like that, dude?" 137 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,796 -They talk real fast like that, dude. 138 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,300 Koreans sound like they've been smoking weed all day. 139 00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:32,970 Vietnamese people sound like they've been doing cocaine their whole life. 140 00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,640 "Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude? 141 00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:37,391 Don't you talk to me like that, dude. 142 00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:39,060 What you say to me like that?" 143 00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:43,189 Vietnamese people put a period after every word that come out. 144 00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,942 "Hey. Dude. What. You. Say. To. Me. Like. That. Dude?" 145 00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:49,737 Vietnamese people go real high. 146 00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:51,614 They go real high, like that, dude. 147 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:54,534 They go down low, like that. They start low, like that, dude. 148 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,869 Then they'll go real high like that, dude. 149 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,874 Vietnamese people sound like they're in a car far away 150 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,293 and they drive by you real fast when they're talking to you. 151 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,421 Like, "Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude? Don't say that!" 152 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:10,216 Man, say that shit again, man. Get out the car and say that shit. 153 00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:17,139 -Japanese. 154 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,933 What? 155 00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:27,400 Japanese, only if they have accents you can tell us apart. 156 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:28,651 Japanese, 157 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:29,819 very distinct. 158 00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:32,363 When a Japanese man talks... 159 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,532 it come from diaphragm. 160 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:41,038 This where Japanese man purr. 161 00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:44,208 Huh! 162 00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:46,294 Hi! 163 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,421 Japanese! 164 00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:53,968 Japanese woman, 165 00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,596 doesn't matter if she's 12 years old, 166 00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:58,973 or 75 years old, 167 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,601 they always sound 12 years old. 168 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,146 Let's go! 169 00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:06,647 Okay! 170 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,404 That's why no one watches Japanese porn. 171 00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:16,282 No one watches Japanese porn. 172 00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:18,075 You know how annoying that shit is to watch? 173 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,248 All right, let's go! 174 00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:29,378 Oh-oh, keep going! 175 00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:33,716 Uh-oh, in my eye! 176 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:34,634 Ooh! 177 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:35,760 Ooh! 178 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,690 Ever since my last Netflix special, 179 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,234 I've been getting a lot of Mexicans coming to my shows. 180 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,029 -A lot of Mexicans come to my shows now. 181 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:56,739 And they always come up to me 182 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,532 and say the same shit at the end of my show. 183 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,660 They always go, "Hey fucker." 184 00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:03,037 Sorry. 185 00:11:05,539 --> 00:11:07,249 It's so racist. I don't know why. 186 00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:10,461 I don't know why... "Hey fucker." Why... 187 00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:13,714 Why when I impersonate a Mexican guy, I always gotta sound like... 188 00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,800 I always gotta sound like I'm falling off a cliff. 189 00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,260 It's so fucked up. 190 00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:23,432 It's a horrible impersonation, but that's what they sound like. 191 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,644 They always sound like they're falling off the cliff. 192 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,980 The longer the sentence, the further the fall. 193 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,865 Mexicans always come up to me 194 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:42,618 and say the same thing at the end of my shows, all the time. 195 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,079 They're like, "Hey, your mom's just like my mom. 196 00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,374 Everything your mom does, my mom does." 197 00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:50,292 What'd I say? 198 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:53,003 "Everything..." You look like a cholo, I swear to God. 199 00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:55,715 -Its scaring the shit out of me. 200 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,220 I'm trying to do this joke, but this guy's like, 201 00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,430 "Say it right, fucker. 202 00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:05,891 "Say it right, fucker. Don't..." 203 00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:11,564 You know how hard is it to be funny when a cholo's looking at me like this? 204 00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,069 What's your name, bro? 205 00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:18,571 -Jason. -Jason? 206 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:20,865 -Are you Filipino or Mexican? -I'm Filipino. 207 00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,283 He's fucking Filipino! 208 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,452 -Goddammit. 209 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,370 See what the fuck I'm talking about? 210 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:33,002 -You look like my brother, man. 211 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:34,795 Jason? 212 00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,673 See, this is what I want everyone to know, man. 213 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,968 There's a reason why Mexicans and Filipinos look a like. 214 00:12:41,051 --> 00:12:43,763 There's a reason why Mexicans and Filipinos relate. 215 00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,890 It's a lot deeper than Vicks VapoRub. 216 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,728 That's not the only common bond we have. 217 00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,980 I don't want you to come up to me at the end of the show, 218 00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:55,149 "Hey, my mom use Vick's VapoRub too. That's so crazy." 219 00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:56,859 -No, it's not. 220 00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,319 There's a reason why. 221 00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:01,071 There's a reason why we relate on so many other levels. 222 00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:05,201 Spain conquered the Philippines for over 350 years. 223 00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:06,702 That's real shit. 224 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,537 You guys bred with us. 225 00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:11,999 We're the first hybrid race. 226 00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,501 That's what Filipinos are: 227 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:14,710 Spanish, Asian. 228 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:15,711 Filipino. 229 00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,008 That's what we are. 230 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,345 It's a bad thing what happened, but it's also a good thing. 231 00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,430 We got a lot of their traits, a lot of their culture. 232 00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,015 Know what I'm saying? We look like 'em. 233 00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:30,392 Look at us. We're two hour flight from Japan. 234 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,395 We are in the heart of Asia, that's where for the Philippines sits. 235 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:37,233 But look at us, we don't even have Asian last names. 236 00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:40,611 Because they left their fucking names there. 237 00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:44,114 We don't have Asian names, we have Latino last names. 238 00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:45,825 Look at our fucking last names. 239 00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,619 In my family alone, De La Fuente, Santos, Gonzalez. 240 00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:50,454 We're fucking Mexicans! 241 00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,961 We are the Mexicans of Asia. 242 00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,840 That's... that's real talk. 243 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,342 Everything Mexicans do, Filipinos do. 244 00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:04,468 Everything! 245 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,637 What do you guys have? Quinceañera, debut. 246 00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:09,598 We got that from them, right? 247 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,518 We celebrate the daughter when she turns 15, right? 248 00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,061 She's 15? Same shit! 249 00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,312 Throw a big ass party. 250 00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,023 Mexicans do that shit all the time, right? 251 00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:21,735 "You're 15, you're ready to be a woman, mija, it's your quinceañera." 252 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:24,613 "Are you sure Papa? I'm only 15." 253 00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:27,700 "Yes, I'm sure. 254 00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,077 Your mother's only 30." 255 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,331 Okay, okay, okay, that was fucked up! 256 00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:36,917 That was fucked up. But it's funny, come on. 257 00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,843 -Is it fucked up? It's just a joke! 258 00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:47,469 Fuck! Stop being sensitive. 259 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,888 Go fuck yourselves! 260 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,933 Stereotypes are funny for a reason, 'cause they're true. 261 00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:57,271 We all have stereotypes. Embrace it. Fuck it. Laugh at it. Who gives a shit? 262 00:14:57,354 --> 00:15:00,524 Not all Filipinos are nurses, but a lot of you motherfuckers are. 263 00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,282 I don't know all these Filipinos in here, but I know one thing, 264 00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:10,284 -we have the same uncle. 265 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,746 Every holiday, he has to talk to everybody. 266 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,082 And we dread it, 'cause it takes forever to talk to him. 267 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:19,710 'Cause he doesn't even know what he wants to say. 268 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,880 He always starts off every conversation like this, "Ah... 269 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:25,424 You know, uh... 270 00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:26,675 Josep, ah... 271 00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,887 Remember the... 272 00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,306 The... 273 00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,683 Shit, the..." 274 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,314 Always, "Ah..." 275 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,691 I took... 276 00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:46,779 I took my uncle to the to the mall, and we were in the food court. 277 00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,822 We're just sitting there, he's just trying to talk. 278 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,658 And he's loud, so everyone's watching. 279 00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,451 That's the part that embarrassed me the most, 280 00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:55,746 'cause he's loud, and everyone's looking, and he's like, "Ah... 281 00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:59,541 Josep, you remember the... 282 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,710 that, uh... 283 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,295 one time you... 284 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,047 got me... 285 00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,508 -the..." -I'm like, "What? What are trying to say?" 286 00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:09,343 "Hey, I'm trying to tell you. Wait! 287 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,597 Don't rush me, huh. I'm trying to think and you're rushing... 288 00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:14,890 Don't rush me, huh! 289 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,645 The... that one time you got me..." 290 00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,648 Everyone's watching. Everyone in the food court is looking. 291 00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:23,732 "Ah... 292 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:26,110 that, ah, you got me a drink? 293 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,195 You got me that drink?" 294 00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,947 "Yeah, I got you that drink. What about it?" 295 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,574 "Yeah, and, uh, you come back, it had that, uh... 296 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:33,617 that big straw? 297 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,703 -Remember, it has that big straw. 298 00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,997 I look at it, go, 'Putang ina, that's a big straw!' 299 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,251 Remember that, you look at this big straw, and then you got mad at me?" 300 00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,337 -"Yeah, what about it?" -"Yeah, you told me to just drink it. 301 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,048 -Remember? You told me, 'Just drink it.'" 302 00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,258 "Yeah, what about it?" 303 00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:51,844 -Everyone's watching. Everyone's watching. 304 00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:53,971 "Yes, so I start to drink like that, 305 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:55,764 and... 306 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,516 -I'm... I... 307 00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,645 I'm drinking like that and I start sucking on the straw... 308 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,774 And then, this, uh, black ball starts shooting in my mouth... 309 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,152 -And I'm sucking. 310 00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:10,279 I'm sucking like that, and I'm... I'm... 311 00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,613 Black balls are in my mouth 312 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,742 and I'm sucking and choking on these black balls. 313 00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:18,328 I got mouth full of black balls, and I'm choking, sucking..." 314 00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:19,621 "Shut the fuck up! 315 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,334 Boba, it's fucking boba!" 316 00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,840 "Oh, yeah, boba. I hate that shit." 317 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:37,181 That's why Filipinos should only be nurses. 318 00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,684 Just be nurses, don't be doctors. 319 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,103 Imagine my uncle a doctor, 320 00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:45,397 during surgery. 321 00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,860 "Nurse, can I get the, uh... 322 00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:52,571 the... oh shit. 323 00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:54,406 The... you know, that, uh... 324 00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:55,824 you know, to cut the... 325 00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:57,409 to cut, uh... 326 00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,869 you know, the..." 327 00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:01,413 The nurse is like, "Putang ina, what? They all cut, what? 328 00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:02,539 What do you need, doctor?" 329 00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,708 "The... the shit... the... 330 00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:05,876 the..." 331 00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:09,421 "He's dying, what the fuck do you need? What? What? 332 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:10,380 Say it." 333 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,341 "The shit... the... 334 00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:13,842 the..." 335 00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:19,681 We are a stereotype. 336 00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,726 Filipinos morph into a fucking stereotype. 337 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:26,313 I don't know what it is, they just morph into a goddamn stereotype. 338 00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:29,566 I talked about that on my last special, but look, look around you. They're here. 339 00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:34,071 See, my mom's not here tonight, but I look out, and fuck, there she is! 340 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,242 Short hair, glasses. 341 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:40,619 Purse on the lap. 342 00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:42,788 -Look, right there, there she is. 343 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:43,747 There she is. 344 00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,749 Handkerchief, handkerchief. 345 00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:48,669 Louis Vuitton purse. 346 00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,004 Confused, "Where are we? 347 00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,136 Where... where are we? What is this?" 348 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:01,974 I love us. 349 00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:05,144 They got to have that Louis Vuitton purse. That's their purse. 350 00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,730 You know how many Louis Vuitton purses I bought my mom? So many. 351 00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:11,316 You know what she puts in it? Snacks. 352 00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:15,112 It's the most expensive lunch box you'll ever see. 353 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,031 And they're not even good snacks. 354 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,119 All my friends, when I was a kid, man, they would go to the mom, 355 00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,203 "Mom, can I get a snack?" 356 00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,581 And she'd pull out delicious snacks out of her purse. 357 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:26,623 Doritos. 358 00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:28,250 Fun Size Snickers. 359 00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:29,585 I run up to my mom... 360 00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:30,627 Shit! 361 00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,173 Her snacks were something she took from a restaurant. 362 00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,097 Run up to my mom, "Mom, can I get a snack?" 363 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,141 "Oh, here's some oyster crackers." 364 00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,898 Oyster crackers are made to absorb soup. 365 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,193 And she wants me to eat this before I go to class. 366 00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,694 "Put that in your stomach." 367 00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:57,362 I'd put it in my... 368 00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:01,283 -"Swallow it!" 369 00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,832 That's my mom's hustle. 370 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,960 That's any mom's hustle, I swear to God. 371 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:15,339 And here's the thing, man, it doesn't matter how much they make, 372 00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,549 It doesn't matter. They will get free shit. 373 00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,052 "If it's there, get it." 374 00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,721 My mom said that to me all the time, "Get it. 375 00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:24,681 -Go back in there and get it." 376 00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:26,808 "Get what?" 377 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,061 "Just what... that... whatever that is. 378 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,942 Just get more, grab more. 379 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,862 Put it in the purse. Put it in the purse. Go! 380 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:42,699 Get it, get extra." 381 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,159 She always said that, "Get extra. 382 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,620 Joseph, go back in there and get extra. 383 00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:47,704 Get extra." 384 00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,082 You know what "get extra" means? Steal! 385 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,417 Steal! 386 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,503 She wants her kid to fucking steal. 387 00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:56,880 "Get extra." 388 00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,716 I used to hate going to McDonald's. 389 00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:05,347 'Cause she'd always make me go back in, "Go back in there and get extra napkins." 390 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,187 "Why?" 391 00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:15,649 "Because we need extra for the... the house. 392 00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:19,778 Get extra, Joe. Go, go back in there." 393 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:21,780 "God, how many do you need?" 394 00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,326 "Well, your birthday is coming up. Go back in there." 395 00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:27,619 -"Fuck!" 396 00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,586 Stuffing my pocket with napkins. 397 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,880 I'm so mad, I'm looking at my mom. 398 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,466 She's out in the parking lot. 399 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,468 I'm crying. 400 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:45,595 She doesn't care. 401 00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:47,431 "The other pocket! Fill it!" 402 00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:57,232 My son has no idea how that feels. 403 00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:58,900 He doesn't know. 404 00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:00,235 I buy napkins. 405 00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:04,072 I buy expensive napkins, because I'm traumatized. 406 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,700 Stealing napkins my whole life. 407 00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:08,493 I don't want my son to go through that shit. 408 00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:11,538 My son doesn't know how embarrassing birthdays are. 409 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,415 My birthday sucked. 410 00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:16,418 My mom was handing out slices of cake to all the kids, 411 00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:17,753 then she hand out napkins. 412 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:18,712 None of them match. 413 00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:21,340 "KFC, McDonald's, Taco Bell, 414 00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:23,300 Burger King, KFC, 415 00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:25,469 Cheesecake Factory, ooh that's a good one. 416 00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:28,305 That's... that's a lot thicker than the other." 417 00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:33,935 These kids got a good though. 418 00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:36,980 Fifteen-year-old kid. Man, my son has no idea. 419 00:22:37,230 --> 00:22:39,316 He has no idea how good he's got it. 420 00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:41,693 These fucking millennials, millennials! 421 00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:45,280 Is that what they're called this year? Millennial? Gen X? Millennial? 422 00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:47,157 Pussies! 423 00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:52,454 Is that what they're called, pussies? They're pussies. All of them, pussies. 424 00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:55,791 If there's 15-year-olds in here, you're fucking pussy, all of you. 425 00:22:57,834 --> 00:22:59,169 Fucking pus... Right? 426 00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:02,631 Am I my fucking right? They complain. You can't... you can't yell at 'em. 427 00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:04,966 They'll... they'll say something. You'll get in trouble. 428 00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:08,178 They go, "Oh my God, my... my mom yelled at me, 429 00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:11,348 and I'm so scared to go to the house, 430 00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:13,058 'cause my mom yelled at me." 431 00:23:13,141 --> 00:23:15,435 Man, go fuck yourself. Are you kidding me? 432 00:23:16,436 --> 00:23:18,605 You're scared to go home 'cause you're mom yelled at... 433 00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:20,899 That's all my mom did, was yell at me. 434 00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:23,944 That was the only language my mom spoke, was yell. 435 00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:24,945 "Ha? 436 00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:27,280 -What? 437 00:23:27,364 --> 00:23:28,824 -Say it again! 438 00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:29,908 Say it again! 439 00:23:30,075 --> 00:23:30,909 Say it! 440 00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:32,828 -What did you say, Joseph? 441 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,496 What did you say? Turn around. 442 00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:35,497 Turn around, Joseph. 443 00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:42,421 That's the only language my mom talked. 444 00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:43,755 Yell! "Ha? 445 00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:45,882 When? When did you do it? 446 00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:47,592 Where? Where did you go? 447 00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:49,261 Ha? What? 448 00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,556 Did you lose your lunch box?" 449 00:23:52,639 --> 00:23:55,392 I remember when I lost my lunch box one time, holy shit! 450 00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:57,978 That's how my mom disciplined. 451 00:23:58,061 --> 00:24:00,230 Through the... She never, like, physically touched. 452 00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:03,150 She... she verbally attacked you. That's when she went after you. 453 00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:04,818 She'd break you down in words. 454 00:24:05,485 --> 00:24:06,570 Interrogation. 455 00:24:06,653 --> 00:24:08,947 -Two and a half hours of yelling. 456 00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:09,865 "What? 457 00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:11,908 Where... where's your lunch box, Joseph? 458 00:24:11,992 --> 00:24:13,118 Where did you put it?" 459 00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:15,078 "I... I don't know!" 460 00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:19,249 "What do you mean 'you don't know'? Where? Where did you go? 461 00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,919 You go from house to school. School to house. 462 00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,713 Where the fuck did you lose it? 463 00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:30,719 What? You just take your lunch box, put it anywhere, 'Oh, I don't know where. 464 00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:33,597 I don't know where anything is. I don't know where.' 465 00:24:35,515 --> 00:24:37,142 Where's your lunch box, Joseph? 466 00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:38,268 Where? 467 00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:39,644 Where did you put it?" 468 00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:42,147 "I don't... I don't know!" 469 00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:45,567 Then she'll just repeat what I said in a stupid voice. 470 00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:47,736 "I don't... I don't know! 471 00:24:54,242 --> 00:24:56,161 How do you not know, Joseph? How?" 472 00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:59,372 "I don't know, Mom, what do you want me to say?" 473 00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:00,415 "Tell me where it is?" 474 00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:02,501 -"I don't..." 475 00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:03,502 Two hours of that. 476 00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:05,045 -"Where?" -"I don't know." 477 00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:07,714 -"Ha?" -"I don't..." 478 00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,260 She wants me... she want me to have snot 479 00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:15,514 coming out of my mouth, and then breathe it in at the same time. 480 00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,224 -That's when she's happy. 481 00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,059 That's what my mom knows she got me. 482 00:25:19,142 --> 00:25:20,393 I don't know where... 483 00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:30,612 That's when she walks up to me, "Okay, okay, breathe, Joseph, breathe. 484 00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:33,240 -Breathe. My God." 485 00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:36,701 "Breathe, my God, Joseph. Breathe, breathe. Breathe " 486 00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:40,455 "It's just a lunch box." 487 00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:48,755 Then she's gotta embarrass me. 488 00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:52,676 Then she's got to put my lunch in a Tupperware container. 489 00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:54,803 That's how she embarrasses me. She always says, 490 00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:57,722 "I'm going to put your lunch in a Tupperware container." 491 00:25:57,806 --> 00:25:59,391 And then, I'd cry more, "Why? 492 00:26:00,475 --> 00:26:01,977 I don't want to go to school." 493 00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:03,645 "Why not?" 494 00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:08,483 "Because I don't want to go to school with my lunch in one of your Tupperwares." 495 00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,987 'Cause that shit's embarrassing. 496 00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,906 If I send my son to school with the Tupperware container, 497 00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:18,076 he goes to school with a clear bowl, and it's got a blue lid, 498 00:26:18,159 --> 00:26:19,869 and it says Tupperware on the lid. 499 00:26:20,161 --> 00:26:22,497 My son would be proud to go to school with that shit. 500 00:26:23,081 --> 00:26:24,457 My mom's Tupperware... 501 00:26:26,710 --> 00:26:28,753 usually an empty Cool Whip container... 502 00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:37,345 Country Crock. 503 00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:43,727 One time, she put it in an empty Neapolitan ice cream container. 504 00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:46,688 Had the red handles, she put my homework and my lunch. 505 00:26:46,771 --> 00:26:49,024 It looked like a fucking briefcase, like what the fu... 506 00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:59,117 Put my lunch in a Cool Whip container, that shit is so embarrassing. 507 00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:03,580 Then she goes, "Grab a Sharpie so I can write your name on the lid." 508 00:27:03,663 --> 00:27:04,539 Like... 509 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:07,375 Like someone else has a Cool Whip container lunch box. 510 00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:12,297 "I'm pretty sure I'm the only one with a Cool Whip container lunch box." 511 00:27:12,672 --> 00:27:13,715 "You never know, Joseph." 512 00:27:13,798 --> 00:27:14,716 "No, I know." 513 00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:21,640 I'm walking around the lunch room, 514 00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:23,516 looking for a place to sit, 515 00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,561 with my Cool Whip container lunch box. 516 00:27:27,937 --> 00:27:29,814 All the other kids are looking at me. 517 00:27:30,523 --> 00:27:31,650 "Whoa. 518 00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:35,820 Your mom's gonna let you eat Cool Whip?" 519 00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,579 "I don't know what's inside it." 520 00:27:47,290 --> 00:27:49,167 I'm sitting down at the lunch table, 521 00:27:50,126 --> 00:27:52,170 with my Cool Whip container lunch box. 522 00:27:52,545 --> 00:27:55,298 All these other kids are trading lunches in front of me, 523 00:27:55,674 --> 00:27:58,093 but no one wants to trade for the mystery bucket. 524 00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:02,389 My mouth is watering, 525 00:28:02,722 --> 00:28:05,392 'cause you see all these delicious trades going down. 526 00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:09,479 "I'll give you my turkey and cheddar cheese sandwich, 527 00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:11,773 for that peanut butter and jelly." 528 00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:14,943 "I'll give you my chocolate chip cookies 529 00:28:15,026 --> 00:28:16,486 for those Pringles." 530 00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:19,572 "I'll give you my chocolate milk 531 00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:20,949 for that Gatorade." 532 00:28:22,033 --> 00:28:23,576 And I'm looking at all of 'em. 533 00:28:25,453 --> 00:28:27,122 "Does anyone want munggo? 534 00:28:34,295 --> 00:28:35,130 Munggo? 535 00:28:36,297 --> 00:28:37,173 Munggo? 536 00:28:38,341 --> 00:28:40,176 No munggo? It's so good, munggo? 537 00:28:41,386 --> 00:28:42,971 You get to keep the container." 538 00:28:47,016 --> 00:28:49,894 Some kid was like, "What the fuck is munggo?" 539 00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:54,023 I had to explain it to him. 540 00:28:55,024 --> 00:28:57,193 "It's these little round green beans. 541 00:28:58,194 --> 00:29:00,697 And it sits on top of a bed of rice. 542 00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:04,242 And if you dig deep enough, you might find a shrimp or two." 543 00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:09,122 Some other kid was like, 544 00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:12,292 "What the fuck is that bag of sauce next to it?" 545 00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:15,336 "Patis. 546 00:29:17,380 --> 00:29:19,215 Filipino fish sauce. 547 00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:23,011 It really accents the flavor of the munggo. 548 00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:27,098 Don't spill it on your shirt, you'll smell like pussy all day. 549 00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,231 Here's the thing about my son, man. 550 00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:37,692 He doesn't know what a lunch box is. 551 00:29:37,984 --> 00:29:39,569 This kid has a debit card. 552 00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:42,113 I'm even embarrassed to say this. 553 00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:44,616 His school takes credit and he has a debit card. 554 00:29:44,699 --> 00:29:45,825 It fucking sucks. 555 00:29:46,284 --> 00:29:48,495 Doesn't know the responsibility of a lunch box, 556 00:29:48,578 --> 00:29:50,330 just goes to school and rings it up. 557 00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:51,915 I still discipline him. 558 00:29:52,207 --> 00:29:53,374 I still get mad at him. 559 00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:56,419 He called me on a Wednesday one time, he was like, "Hey Dad, 560 00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:59,172 there's only, like, $0.40 left on my debit card." 561 00:30:00,548 --> 00:30:02,008 And I was like, "Oh, my God. 562 00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:04,761 Go fuck yourself! 563 00:30:09,390 --> 00:30:12,143 The fuck did you eat on Monday, asshole, filet mignon? 564 00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:15,855 What, you're walking into the lunchroom like a fucking nightclub? 565 00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:18,817 "Ah, chocolate milk's on this motherfucker, let's go!" 566 00:30:21,110 --> 00:30:24,864 I know this is weird for me to even say, but my son doesn't know what rice is, 567 00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:25,990 the way I knew rice... 568 00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:28,159 Rice was fucking everything to me. 569 00:30:28,618 --> 00:30:32,330 Rice was breakfast, rice was lunch, rice for dinner. 570 00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:35,166 And I know there's a lot of people going, "Oh, Filipinos eat breakfast?" 571 00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:36,459 Yes, we do. 572 00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:39,045 It's... it's just last night's dinner with an egg. 573 00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:41,256 That's all that... that's all that is. 574 00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:46,344 And it's delicious. 575 00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:49,180 That's all we ate was rice. 576 00:30:49,973 --> 00:30:53,351 That's the key to a Asian household, rice. 577 00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:57,355 That shit is always cooking. There's always a pot of rice cooking. 578 00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:59,357 The rice cooker is always on. 579 00:30:59,858 --> 00:31:02,777 You could get locked in an Asian person's house, and all the lights are off. 580 00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:05,029 -You can find the kitchen. 581 00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:07,365 Just look for that little square red light. 582 00:31:08,741 --> 00:31:10,869 Now, there's the fucking rice, right there. 583 00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:16,040 I sent my son to go get rice the other day, 584 00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:18,167 I go, "Joe, go grab a bag of rice." 585 00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:19,502 And he ran down a couple aisles, 586 00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:21,880 and then he came back with this little-ass bag of rice. 587 00:31:21,963 --> 00:31:23,882 -Was in his hand like that. 588 00:31:24,340 --> 00:31:27,176 And even though I knew that was the bag of rice he was supposed to get, 589 00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:29,637 I started reflecting back to when I was his age. 590 00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:31,806 The bag of rice I had to get... 591 00:31:32,599 --> 00:31:34,475 was a size of this fucking stool. 592 00:31:36,644 --> 00:31:38,396 That shit was twice my body weight. 593 00:31:38,479 --> 00:31:40,440 I had to drag that shit back to my mom. 594 00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:45,570 It was a big nylon bag, 595 00:31:46,237 --> 00:31:48,072 with Chinese writing on the front. 596 00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:50,617 Said 50 pounds at the bottom of it. 597 00:31:51,534 --> 00:31:54,871 My mom would sit that in the back of the kitchen next to the trash. 598 00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:56,956 Top just ripped open. 599 00:31:57,749 --> 00:32:00,627 Inside that bag was a coffee mug with a broken handle. 600 00:32:01,794 --> 00:32:03,463 She called that a measuring cup. 601 00:32:08,343 --> 00:32:10,136 She taught me how to make rice. 602 00:32:10,553 --> 00:32:13,222 I remember that day. "I'm going to teach you how to make rice, 603 00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:15,767 and this is the only time I'm going to teach you." 604 00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:17,352 -"Okay. 605 00:32:18,144 --> 00:32:19,270 How do I do it?" 606 00:32:19,854 --> 00:32:22,899 "You take a couple scoops of rice, Joseph, put it in the pot, 607 00:32:23,650 --> 00:32:25,735 put water in the pot, squish it around. 608 00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,236 Clean the rice like that. 609 00:32:27,487 --> 00:32:30,615 If the water is cloudy, the rice is dirty, pour that water out. 610 00:32:31,157 --> 00:32:33,409 Put more water in there. Squish it around. 611 00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:34,494 Squish it around. 612 00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,289 If the water is still cloudy, the rice is dirty, pour that water out. 613 00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:41,417 Continue the process, Joseph, until the water is clear. 614 00:32:41,709 --> 00:32:44,462 When the water is clear, add water. It's ready to cook." 615 00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,048 "Well, then, how much water do I add?" 616 00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:50,385 "Just fill it to this line right here, Joseph." 617 00:32:57,433 --> 00:33:00,144 This is how you cook perfect rice. 618 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,897 I want the world to know that right now. 619 00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:06,359 This is an ancient fucking secret. 620 00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:10,655 Every Asian knows how to make rice, and this is how you do it. 621 00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:14,367 You don't need a measuring cup, and you don't need no fucking rice cooker. 622 00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:16,536 All you need is rice, a pot, 623 00:33:16,619 --> 00:33:18,413 and this fucking line right here. 624 00:33:27,213 --> 00:33:28,631 And I know there's people watching, 625 00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:30,633 "How do you do that? That doesn't make any sense." 626 00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:31,926 Well, let me explain it to you. 627 00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,470 Put as much rice as you want in any pot, 628 00:33:34,554 --> 00:33:36,097 then fill it up with water. 629 00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:37,140 "How much water, Joe?" 630 00:33:37,223 --> 00:33:40,393 Well, you touch the top of the rice with this finger right here, 631 00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:43,938 and fill it up with water till it hits that fucking line right there. 632 00:33:48,276 --> 00:33:49,277 Perfect rice. 633 00:33:52,113 --> 00:33:54,032 This kid's got it so good now. 634 00:33:54,657 --> 00:33:55,616 So good. 635 00:33:56,284 --> 00:33:58,828 Disciplining him is easier too, though, I will say that. 636 00:33:58,911 --> 00:34:01,122 It is a lot easier to discipline my son. 637 00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:02,623 My mom had to be creative. 638 00:34:03,291 --> 00:34:04,625 With me, shit, it's easy. 639 00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:07,670 If my son fucks up, and this is anyone, though, with a teenager, 640 00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:09,088 they fuck up, what do you do? 641 00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:10,298 Take their phone away. 642 00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:12,175 That shit works. 643 00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:16,054 You don't have to verbally abuse 'em, you don't have to physically touch 'em. 644 00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:18,181 Just take their fucking phone away. 645 00:34:18,347 --> 00:34:20,892 My son doesn't know what to do when I take his phone away. 646 00:34:20,975 --> 00:34:23,603 My son physically breaks down when I take his phone away. 647 00:34:24,604 --> 00:34:27,065 I'm like, "Give me that phone." He's like, "Ah, Dad, ah. 648 00:34:34,530 --> 00:34:36,032 What do I do now, Dad?" 649 00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:39,619 He's never seen his hand before. "What is this? 650 00:34:40,036 --> 00:34:40,870 Hello?" 651 00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,127 My mom, when she disciplined, shit! 652 00:34:49,378 --> 00:34:51,547 Like I said, she never hit me, but goddamn, man. 653 00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:53,466 I remember one time, I was hiding in the closet, 654 00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:55,176 and she walked by and I scared her. 655 00:34:55,468 --> 00:34:56,636 Jumped out, "Ba!" 656 00:34:57,637 --> 00:34:59,680 -My mom got so... "Ah!" 657 00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:01,015 "You think that's funny? 658 00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:04,060 Jump out and scare me like that, ha? 659 00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:06,312 Get back in that closet. 660 00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:08,689 Get back in there. Sit there. 661 00:35:08,773 --> 00:35:11,442 You sit there till I tell you to come out. Sit there." 662 00:35:17,740 --> 00:35:19,325 And I sat in that closet. 663 00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,787 And then she forgot I was in that fucking closet. 664 00:35:23,955 --> 00:35:26,207 She came back with laundry, "Ha, what are you doing here?" 665 00:35:26,290 --> 00:35:27,583 "You told me to go here. 666 00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:32,672 I've been here all day." 667 00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:39,262 She didn't even apologize. "Just go to your room, it's late now. 668 00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:43,933 Go to my room crying. She didn't give a shit. 669 00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:47,270 Called her sister, bragged about what she did. 670 00:35:48,312 --> 00:35:50,773 "You're not going to believe what I did to Joseph. 671 00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:56,195 I put him in the closet. 672 00:35:58,406 --> 00:35:59,615 All day! 673 00:36:00,116 --> 00:36:01,325 All day, I swear to God. 674 00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:04,120 I was even walking around, 'Where the fuck is Joseph?'" 675 00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:07,665 My son, goddammit. 676 00:36:07,957 --> 00:36:10,626 He's 15. Here's the thing about 15-year-old boys, man. 677 00:36:11,127 --> 00:36:13,129 He thinks he's being slick and he's not. 678 00:36:14,630 --> 00:36:16,174 I keep telling him that, too. 679 00:36:16,382 --> 00:36:18,801 And that's the thing. If you got boys, if you got a little boy, 680 00:36:18,885 --> 00:36:21,262 just be honest with 'em, talk to 'em like dudes. 681 00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:24,223 I can't speak for girls. I'm just saying, if you have a little teenage boy, 682 00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:26,559 talk to 'em like dudes, they'll respect you more. 683 00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:29,187 I don't hide shit, I don't candy coat shit. 684 00:36:29,270 --> 00:36:30,313 I let my son know. 685 00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:32,857 Like, "Joe, I know what you did in there." 686 00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:38,821 "What are you talking about, Dad?" 687 00:36:38,905 --> 00:36:40,364 "Well, I'm just saying, like, 688 00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:41,782 I was 15. 689 00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:44,619 And II know what you did in there. 690 00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:47,997 Like, all the creepy shit you're doing, I did too. 691 00:36:49,081 --> 00:36:50,374 I was just better at it." 692 00:36:51,959 --> 00:36:54,754 "What are you talking about, Dad?" "Joe, come on, man. I know what you... 693 00:36:54,837 --> 00:36:57,423 You were in the shower for 30 minutes, man. I know what you did." 694 00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:00,927 "I didn't do... I just took a shower." I'm like, "You didn't take a shower." 695 00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:05,014 "How do you know I didn't take a shower?" "Joe, you were in there for 30 minutes, 696 00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:06,682 and your hair is dry. 697 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,443 Bought you a big bottle of Head and Shoulders and it's empty. 698 00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,615 But you still have dandruff. I don't know how... what... 699 00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:27,370 But your dick always smells like mint. It's just mint. 700 00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:29,372 Mint and zinc come from here. 701 00:37:33,834 --> 00:37:36,796 It's Head and Shoulders, Joe, not Dick and Hand. That's it. 702 00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:42,218 It says Head and Shoulders! 703 00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:45,846 It doesn't say Dick and Hand, Joe. It says Head and Shoulders. 704 00:37:48,724 --> 00:37:50,768 It's not slick. Come on, man. 705 00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:52,520 "All right, Dad. All right." 706 00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:55,564 That's how my son is now. Now he's cool with it, "All right. 707 00:37:56,065 --> 00:37:56,899 All right. 708 00:37:57,984 --> 00:37:58,859 I promise. 709 00:37:59,485 --> 00:38:02,154 I'll be... I won't... I'll make it so you don't know." 710 00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:06,158 Then he went to high-five me, "I promise." 711 00:38:06,242 --> 00:38:08,744 I'm like, "I'm not gonna fucking shake your hand." 712 00:38:08,828 --> 00:38:11,539 -I'm not gonna touch the murder weapon. 713 00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:15,584 Good-looking kid, man. 714 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:19,547 He's got a full head of hair, man. He's got a big afro, man. 715 00:38:20,131 --> 00:38:21,299 He's got dark skin. 716 00:38:21,966 --> 00:38:23,843 All right, he's got the darker skin. 717 00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:26,679 He's been going to a lot of the other football games from other schools, 718 00:38:26,762 --> 00:38:28,723 and all the kids are asking him if he's half-black. 719 00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:32,310 He even came up to me, like, "Dad, a lot of kids think I'm half-black." 720 00:38:32,393 --> 00:38:34,312 I'm like, "All right, what'd you say?" 721 00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:36,230 He goes, "I've been saying yes." 722 00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:43,863 "Why would you say that?" "I don't know, like, they don't know." 723 00:38:43,946 --> 00:38:46,198 "Well, how about when I come pick you up or something, 724 00:38:46,282 --> 00:38:48,367 and they notice that you're not half-black?" 725 00:38:48,451 --> 00:38:50,536 He's like, "Well, just don't pick me up." 726 00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,835 And then he asked me if he can get a DNA test, 727 00:38:58,336 --> 00:38:59,712 'cause he saw a commercial, 728 00:39:00,046 --> 00:39:03,007 and he's like "Hey, Dad, let's get one of those DNA tests." 729 00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:05,092 "Why do you want to get a DNA test?" 730 00:39:05,176 --> 00:39:08,012 "Let's just see, maybe there's black in the family, Dad? 731 00:39:08,304 --> 00:39:12,141 Maybe a long... maybe a long time ago, there... 732 00:39:12,224 --> 00:39:15,186 maybe a long time ago there was someone black in our family, 733 00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:16,771 and it's catching up to me, 734 00:39:16,854 --> 00:39:18,147 Let's just see, it would be fun." 735 00:39:18,230 --> 00:39:20,107 I'm like, "Joe, there's no black in the family." 736 00:39:20,191 --> 00:39:21,525 "You don't know. Let's just see." 737 00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,235 I'm like, "Joe, there's no black in the... 738 00:39:23,319 --> 00:39:26,781 Your aunt married a black guy, but that doesn't help you at all." 739 00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:31,786 "Come on, Dad. 740 00:39:32,453 --> 00:39:33,704 Just get it. 741 00:39:34,455 --> 00:39:36,957 Just get it. It'll be cool. Just get it." 742 00:39:38,834 --> 00:39:39,835 So I got it. 743 00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:42,922 And we're gonna do it. 744 00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:45,883 And I hope, I don't know... 745 00:39:46,967 --> 00:39:48,844 I hope it comes back black. I don't know... 746 00:39:49,845 --> 00:39:52,932 If the results come back black, I'm just gonna be like, "Um... 747 00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:55,059 get the fuck out of my house. 748 00:39:56,644 --> 00:39:58,896 -Go find your real dad. Who the fuck... 749 00:39:59,438 --> 00:40:00,731 Who the fuck is this kid? 750 00:40:01,107 --> 00:40:03,192 Give me back that debit card, motherfucker. 751 00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:09,824 He's constantly fucking with me. 752 00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:11,367 Always fucking with me. 753 00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:13,661 -Oh, I'm sorry there's a wire. 754 00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:15,454 A black guy right here, I'm sorry. 755 00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,375 -That's... no. What's your name, sir? -Malcolm. 756 00:40:19,458 --> 00:40:22,336 Malcolm. Goddammit, couldn't get any blacker than that, shit! 757 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:23,671 -Motherfucker! 758 00:40:25,714 --> 00:40:26,715 Shit. 759 00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:27,967 Malcolm. 760 00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:32,263 Of course it is. 761 00:40:35,516 --> 00:40:37,810 -Is this... is this your lady? -This is my wife. 762 00:40:37,893 --> 00:40:40,020 -And what are you? What's your ethnicity? -I'm Filipino. 763 00:40:40,104 --> 00:40:42,314 -You're Filipino. See, this is what... 764 00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:45,317 This is what my son's parents should look like, right here. 765 00:40:48,070 --> 00:40:49,447 My son's parents are here! 766 00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:56,412 You think I'm joking? Wait... wait till I bring 'em out. 767 00:40:56,495 --> 00:40:59,081 You're gonna be like, "Oh fuck, that is our kid, shit!" 768 00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,002 You know my son ran up to me one time... 769 00:41:03,085 --> 00:41:04,044 This is true story. 770 00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:05,087 We were, uh... 771 00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,131 I was, uh... I was in my room, 772 00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:09,133 and he ran up to me, he always fucks with me. 773 00:41:09,216 --> 00:41:11,802 But he... 'Cause he's got such a beautiful head of hair. 774 00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:14,054 Right? It's fucking beautiful, man. 775 00:41:14,138 --> 00:41:14,972 And, um... 776 00:41:15,055 --> 00:41:18,225 He looks like one of the Jacksons, from the Five, like, "Hey!" Like... 777 00:41:22,521 --> 00:41:23,522 But... 778 00:41:23,856 --> 00:41:26,650 And it comes up to me, Malcolm, and he goes... 779 00:41:27,902 --> 00:41:29,403 "Dad, when I get older, 780 00:41:30,237 --> 00:41:31,864 am I gonna be bald like you?" 781 00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:35,826 And that hurt me so bad. 782 00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:39,205 Like, he doesn't understand how hard that hurt. 783 00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:40,164 And I was like... 784 00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:42,833 So I wanted to, like, let him know that it hurt, but not with words, 785 00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:44,210 just by my tone. 786 00:41:44,293 --> 00:41:48,297 I was like, "You know what, Joe? You get your hair from your mom's side. 787 00:41:49,298 --> 00:41:51,592 And on your mom's side, everyone has a full head of hair. 788 00:41:51,675 --> 00:41:54,261 That's probably why you have so much hair. So you have to be worried 789 00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:56,430 about being bald like your dad." 790 00:41:58,474 --> 00:42:00,476 And my son goes, "Sweet! 791 00:42:02,728 --> 00:42:03,729 Sweet!" 792 00:42:04,605 --> 00:42:07,691 And went into his fucking room like an asshole. 793 00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,528 And I was crushed. 794 00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:13,197 I was like, "Man, fuck this kid, man." 795 00:42:16,325 --> 00:42:19,537 That's why any time he asks a question, I have an opportunity to knock him down, 796 00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:21,789 I do it, Malcolm. Fuck him, man. 797 00:42:25,459 --> 00:42:27,253 He came up to me, like, two weeks after that. 798 00:42:27,336 --> 00:42:29,255 And he was like, "Dad." He was like all sad. 799 00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,674 "Dad, can I talk to you for a second, 800 00:42:31,757 --> 00:42:32,633 please 801 00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:34,718 and you promise you won't make a joke?" 802 00:42:38,597 --> 00:42:39,473 "Yeah. 803 00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,267 I pr... I promise." 804 00:42:42,351 --> 00:42:44,937 "No, I'm serious, Dad. Like, it's been bothering me, 805 00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:47,940 and I need to talk to you about this, so please, no jokes." 806 00:42:48,023 --> 00:42:50,067 "All right, Joe, talk to me. What's wrong? 807 00:42:50,401 --> 00:42:51,944 Why are you crying? What's wrong?" 808 00:42:52,027 --> 00:42:53,070 "Okay, um... 809 00:42:53,988 --> 00:42:55,990 Ah... I don't even know how to say this. 810 00:42:56,407 --> 00:42:57,241 Um... 811 00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:02,121 Okay, I've been growing my pubic hairs for a couple years now..." 812 00:43:08,460 --> 00:43:10,504 "Joe, you gotta warn me about the topic. 813 00:43:12,965 --> 00:43:15,968 Like, you can't just come in hot like that, man. You gotta... 814 00:43:16,051 --> 00:43:17,052 warn me, let me know. 815 00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:19,430 -I'm trying to eat lunch right now. 816 00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,807 -Now I got pubic hairs on my mind." 817 00:43:21,890 --> 00:43:23,892 "All right, come on, Dad. You said you were gonna 818 00:43:23,976 --> 00:43:26,395 not joke around, I'm being serious. Like, listen to me. 819 00:43:26,478 --> 00:43:29,690 I've been growing pubic hairs for a while now, like for a couple years." 820 00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:32,067 "Yeah, you're a teenager, that's what you're supposed to do. 821 00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:34,570 You're supposed to grow your pubic hairs, what's bothering you? 822 00:43:34,653 --> 00:43:36,030 Why is that making you mad?" 823 00:43:36,113 --> 00:43:37,072 "No, just listen to me." 824 00:43:37,156 --> 00:43:39,450 "Okay, I'm listening. What? What's bothering you?" 825 00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:41,118 "Okay, well, I always thought, 826 00:43:41,201 --> 00:43:43,954 Dad, that once you start to grow your pubic hairs, 827 00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:46,749 that... that the penis was supposed to start growing." 828 00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:51,587 "Yeah, and?" 829 00:43:53,589 --> 00:43:55,424 "My penis isn't growing, Dad! 830 00:43:57,426 --> 00:43:58,802 Just my pubic hairs. 831 00:43:59,928 --> 00:44:02,056 My penis is still the same size from two years ago, 832 00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:03,849 but my pubic hairs are long, Dad. 833 00:44:04,350 --> 00:44:06,477 It just keeps growing. I don't get it, Dad. 834 00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:08,270 Dad! 835 00:44:09,563 --> 00:44:10,397 Dad! 836 00:44:12,149 --> 00:44:12,983 Dad!" 837 00:44:14,026 --> 00:44:17,488 I didn't know what to do. I just got on my phone like, "What the fuck?" 838 00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:21,116 He's like, "What are you doing, Dad?" 839 00:44:22,576 --> 00:44:23,702 And I was like... 840 00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:28,082 "I'm canceling that DNA test." 841 00:44:38,717 --> 00:44:40,761 "Oh, my God, Dad. 842 00:44:41,428 --> 00:44:43,764 Does everything have to be a joke, Dad? 843 00:44:44,098 --> 00:44:45,849 Does everything have to be a joke?" 844 00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:50,312 And I was like, "Well, you made fun of my hair. 845 00:44:51,730 --> 00:44:53,190 Now I'm making fun of yours." 846 00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:59,029 "Oh, my God, Dad. Come on. 847 00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:00,531 Seriously. 848 00:45:00,906 --> 00:45:02,700 I don't understand what's going on. 849 00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,369 Dad, what's going on? 850 00:45:05,619 --> 00:45:06,995 What's supposed to happen? 851 00:45:07,079 --> 00:45:09,248 I've been waiting, nothing's happening, Dad. 852 00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:10,708 Dad! 853 00:45:11,417 --> 00:45:12,710 Dad!" I just grabbed him. 854 00:45:13,794 --> 00:45:16,213 Grabbed him, I was like, "Yo, stop. Stop fucking crying. 855 00:45:16,296 --> 00:45:17,631 -Stop!" 856 00:45:17,715 --> 00:45:20,551 "Well, tell me what I'm supposed to do. I don't get it, Dad." 857 00:45:20,634 --> 00:45:23,470 "Well, stop crying, first of all." "Well, then, tell me. What?" 858 00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,055 I go, "Listen to me. 859 00:45:26,181 --> 00:45:27,516 Look at me. Listen to me." 860 00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:29,643 "Oh, my God, what, Dad?" 861 00:45:32,479 --> 00:45:33,605 "Unfortunately, Joe... 862 00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:38,694 That comes from your mom's side too." 863 00:45:51,081 --> 00:45:52,207 Okay, now... 864 00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:55,377 Now here's a fucked-up part about the story. 865 00:45:57,463 --> 00:45:58,797 I lied to my son. 866 00:46:01,216 --> 00:46:03,177 He didn't get that from his mom's side. 867 00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:07,473 That's 100% my dick, 100%. 868 00:46:08,807 --> 00:46:10,392 I knew it was mine when he described it. 869 00:46:10,476 --> 00:46:12,811 I was like, "Oh, shit. That's mine. I got the same... 870 00:46:13,228 --> 00:46:14,813 I got the same fucking thing." 871 00:46:17,733 --> 00:46:19,359 But I'm not gonna tell him that. 872 00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:21,862 I'm not gonna be like, "Yeah, that's the family dick 873 00:46:21,945 --> 00:46:24,364 and I'm heading down to you." Like no, fuck that! 874 00:46:26,366 --> 00:46:29,119 It's the dick I hand down from generation to generation. 875 00:46:31,163 --> 00:46:32,581 I'm not gonna tell him that. 876 00:46:32,956 --> 00:46:34,333 That's the hand he was dealt. 877 00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:36,293 Now he has to play his own cards. 878 00:46:36,710 --> 00:46:38,587 I had a small dick and it worked. 879 00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:42,174 Worked for me, goddammit. It'll work for him. 880 00:46:42,257 --> 00:46:45,010 Not gonna be sad about it. He's gotta deal with it. Deal with it. 881 00:46:45,093 --> 00:46:48,472 I'd be sad if he walked up to me and was like, "Dad, I don't have a dick." 882 00:46:48,555 --> 00:46:49,681 I'd be like, "Oh shit! 883 00:46:49,765 --> 00:46:51,767 - I'm so sorry. 884 00:46:53,143 --> 00:46:54,102 Oops! 885 00:46:56,230 --> 00:46:57,856 Maybe Malcolm isn't your dad." 886 00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:08,158 Fuck you, Malcolm, you're laughing too hard at that shit. 887 00:47:08,242 --> 00:47:10,410 -Fuck you, man. See? 888 00:47:12,955 --> 00:47:15,541 Laughing hard at the big black dick joke. 889 00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:20,128 But then he got mad at the Malcolm joke, "Oh, 'cause I'm black. 890 00:47:20,212 --> 00:47:21,797 Gotta have a name like Malcolm." 891 00:47:23,507 --> 00:47:27,010 Stereotypes are funny for a reason, for that reason right there alone. 892 00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:29,805 That's a good stereotype, Malcolm, and you know it. 893 00:47:30,430 --> 00:47:33,183 Your whole life, you've been blessed with that stereotype. 894 00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:36,895 The big dick stereotype. We don't know if you have a big dick, 895 00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:39,147 but none of us in here wanna take that bet. 896 00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:50,117 We just assume Malcolm has a big dick, 'cause that's your stereotype. 897 00:47:50,617 --> 00:47:52,536 Just like you assume I'm good at math. 898 00:47:52,619 --> 00:47:53,704 Fuck you, Malcolm. 899 00:47:59,459 --> 00:48:02,045 But that's the fucked-up part. That's the fucked-up part, Malcolm. 900 00:48:02,129 --> 00:48:05,465 You can't get mad when someone else calls you out on another stereotype, 901 00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:06,592 'cause it's just funny. 902 00:48:06,675 --> 00:48:09,011 We're just having fun, man. So, don't get mad. 903 00:48:09,094 --> 00:48:12,180 If you're gonna take that stereotype, you have to take 'em all, Malcolm. 904 00:48:12,264 --> 00:48:15,475 You have to take 'em all. Don't be biased with your stereotypes. 905 00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:18,312 Don't get mad if someone walks up to you, "Hey, you like chicken?" 906 00:48:18,395 --> 00:48:20,939 -"Why? 'Cause I'm black, motherfucker?" 907 00:48:21,023 --> 00:48:23,942 Black man's gotta like chicken all the time, motherfucker?" 908 00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:27,237 "You got a big dick?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." 909 00:48:40,334 --> 00:48:41,668 Unfortunately... 910 00:48:41,752 --> 00:48:42,961 Unfortunately... 911 00:48:44,379 --> 00:48:45,589 I don't have a big dick. 912 00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:47,716 And neither does my son. 913 00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:54,473 Oh, this is gonna suck for my son when this goes out on Netflix. 914 00:48:55,807 --> 00:48:56,975 Goddammit. 915 00:48:58,518 --> 00:48:59,603 Fuck! 916 00:49:05,692 --> 00:49:07,653 He's gonna walk through the hallways at his school, 917 00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,738 and everyone gonna be like this, "Whoa." 918 00:49:12,532 --> 00:49:14,201 "It was just a joke." 919 00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:15,953 No, it wasn't! 920 00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,122 That shit is real. 921 00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:22,084 So what? 922 00:49:22,626 --> 00:49:25,504 He has a small dick, and? It doesn't matter. 923 00:49:26,296 --> 00:49:27,464 Small dick... fuck it. 924 00:49:27,547 --> 00:49:30,550 It'll work. It works. It fucking works. 925 00:49:31,677 --> 00:49:33,387 I'm gonna... You know what? Here's the thing. 926 00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:36,473 He's gonna go through his teenage years, be insecure about his small dick. 927 00:49:36,556 --> 00:49:37,933 Then he'll go through his twenties, 928 00:49:38,016 --> 00:49:41,144 probably build-up some confidence, I think. Then he'll get to his thirties. 929 00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:43,772 If he's not confident about his small dick then, 930 00:49:43,855 --> 00:49:45,565 then I'll step in and talk to him. 931 00:49:47,442 --> 00:49:49,528 Then I'll walk up to him, like, "Hey man. 932 00:49:50,195 --> 00:49:51,071 Hey! 933 00:49:51,947 --> 00:49:53,907 Still mad about that small dick thing?" 934 00:49:56,243 --> 00:49:58,495 - "Yeah, Dad. It sucks." 935 00:49:58,578 --> 00:50:01,248 -That's my son, 30-year-old voice. 936 00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:03,250 -"Yeah, Dad. It sucks. 937 00:50:03,333 --> 00:50:05,460 I'm 30 years old, I got a 15-year-old dick. 938 00:50:12,843 --> 00:50:15,137 Here, I'm gonna do it to this side, "Yeah, I'm 30 years old, 939 00:50:15,220 --> 00:50:17,347 -I got a 15-year-old dick, Dad. 940 00:50:17,431 --> 00:50:18,432 What the fuck?" 941 00:50:20,142 --> 00:50:21,476 That's what I'll grab him. 942 00:50:21,601 --> 00:50:22,436 "Listen to me. 943 00:50:22,978 --> 00:50:24,104 All right? Listen to me." 944 00:50:24,187 --> 00:50:25,439 "What? What, Dad? 945 00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:27,941 What could you possibly tell me?" 946 00:50:29,943 --> 00:50:32,779 I'll just tell him, "From the bottom my heart, look, Joe, 947 00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:35,073 you got a small dick and... 948 00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:37,367 This is all you got to do. 949 00:50:39,619 --> 00:50:40,579 Fix your credit." 950 00:50:45,917 --> 00:50:47,419 And that's the truth, Malcolm. 951 00:50:50,505 --> 00:50:51,548 You ever want to live... 952 00:50:51,923 --> 00:50:54,760 If you ever wanna live the big dick life, like Malcolm... 953 00:50:55,802 --> 00:50:57,721 -...fix your fucking credit. 954 00:50:58,013 --> 00:51:00,098 You got a small dick, fix your credit. 955 00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,309 That's the truth. You got a small dick? 956 00:51:02,392 --> 00:51:04,603 Good credit make your dick grow ten inches. 957 00:51:06,563 --> 00:51:07,689 That's the truth. 958 00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:11,985 And there's a lot of guys in here that have a small dick, just like me. 959 00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,737 You're just not laughing as hard. 960 00:51:15,530 --> 00:51:16,740 Trying to play it off. 961 00:51:17,949 --> 00:51:20,118 Try not to laugh, like this part of the joke 962 00:51:20,202 --> 00:51:22,496 doesn't relate to you. You're just looking at me like this. 963 00:51:27,334 --> 00:51:28,919 But the girl you came with his dying. 964 00:51:33,673 --> 00:51:35,092 "What are you laughing at?" 965 00:51:35,967 --> 00:51:37,344 "Fix your fucking credit." 966 00:51:43,642 --> 00:51:45,018 That's the truth. 967 00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:46,228 Fix your credit. 968 00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:47,938 Shit works, man. 969 00:51:48,688 --> 00:51:51,441 Look, it works for me. I'm confident. I don't give a fuck. 970 00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:53,610 -I'm single and I got good credit. 971 00:51:53,693 --> 00:51:55,529 I'll tell every woman in here right now, 972 00:51:55,612 --> 00:51:57,823 I got a small dick! 973 00:51:59,199 --> 00:52:00,700 But I got good credit. 974 00:52:02,035 --> 00:52:03,829 Can a big dick buy you a house? 975 00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:06,623 This little motherfucker can! 976 00:52:15,298 --> 00:52:17,134 It's real talk. 977 00:52:17,801 --> 00:52:19,845 Everything you hear, Malcolm, I hear. 978 00:52:21,054 --> 00:52:23,181 You hear big dick shit? So do I. 979 00:52:24,224 --> 00:52:25,809 Women aren't like men, man. 980 00:52:26,309 --> 00:52:29,396 Women are different creatures, man. When they love, they love. 981 00:52:29,813 --> 00:52:33,191 You take care of a woman, you provide for a woman, you protect. 982 00:52:33,316 --> 00:52:34,151 Cherish. 983 00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:35,610 Honor. Love. 984 00:52:35,902 --> 00:52:38,155 Every... All that shit, make her feel like a queen, 985 00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:39,906 watch what she does for your ego. 986 00:52:40,532 --> 00:52:42,701 -Watch what a woman does for your ego. 987 00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:44,828 'Cause she knows that's what's important to a man, 988 00:52:44,911 --> 00:52:46,663 his fucking ego. 989 00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:48,582 And men love that shit. 990 00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:51,376 She'll say shit to you that you know goddamn well 991 00:52:51,459 --> 00:52:53,044 she shouldn't be saying to you. 992 00:52:55,130 --> 00:52:57,924 She lies to you in bed, and you take that lie. 993 00:52:58,008 --> 00:52:59,926 -You love that lie, 994 00:53:00,010 --> 00:53:01,428 'cause it makes you feel good. 995 00:53:01,511 --> 00:53:03,430 You never question her on that lie. 996 00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:05,932 -"Who the fuck are you talking to?" 997 00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:08,768 You love it when she says it, you tell her to repeat it. 998 00:53:09,811 --> 00:53:12,147 "Ha, oh my... ow!" 999 00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:13,440 "Yeah, bitch, 'Ow!' 1000 00:53:13,982 --> 00:53:15,066 'Ow!' It hurts, huh?" 1001 00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:17,444 "Yeah! Oh, my God!" 1002 00:53:25,118 --> 00:53:27,996 Doesn't matter about the size. Size doesn't... look at it. 1003 00:53:28,079 --> 00:53:30,832 See, it's small, she doesn't care. She loves you. 1004 00:53:31,166 --> 00:53:32,334 She loves you. 1005 00:53:32,417 --> 00:53:35,045 What you doing, the physical act, making love, she loves making love. 1006 00:53:35,128 --> 00:53:37,756 She doesn't care about the size, "It's mine, mine. 1007 00:53:38,757 --> 00:53:40,759 Mine, mine. That's mine. 1008 00:53:41,426 --> 00:53:42,302 Mine. Muah. 1009 00:53:42,677 --> 00:53:45,513 I'm gonna sleep on it." Muah. 1010 00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,772 So, stop trying to do big dick things. 1011 00:53:54,147 --> 00:53:55,440 Why do we do that? 1012 00:53:55,523 --> 00:53:57,234 Stop trying to do big dick things. 1013 00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:59,819 Stop trying to do shit that Malcolm does naturally. 1014 00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:01,655 -Stop! 1015 00:54:01,738 --> 00:54:03,365 Just do you! 1016 00:54:03,698 --> 00:54:05,450 Do you! I do it all the time. 1017 00:54:05,533 --> 00:54:07,410 I'm in as far as I can go, but what do I do? 1018 00:54:07,494 --> 00:54:09,829 I arch my back, like more dick is gonna come out. 1019 00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:10,997 The fuck am I doing? 1020 00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:12,916 Like there's extra dick in my hip. 1021 00:54:12,999 --> 00:54:16,127 I just need to unlatch it. "There it is, bitch. You feel that shit?" 1022 00:54:18,255 --> 00:54:20,548 Your balls are a natural stopper. 1023 00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:22,634 Your balls tell you when you're out of dick. 1024 00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:24,094 Your balls always tell you. 1025 00:54:24,177 --> 00:54:27,222 Your balls are like, "That's all the dick. That's all the dick. 1026 00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:29,766 Just balls, Jo. Just balls." 1027 00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:36,189 Stop trying to do big dick things. 1028 00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:39,985 Stop. Stop doing this shit, bringing it out and going back in. 1029 00:54:40,068 --> 00:54:41,152 What are you doing? 1030 00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:44,990 You have to have laser point accuracy to get back in there. 1031 00:54:45,073 --> 00:54:45,991 Stop! 1032 00:54:46,449 --> 00:54:47,492 Stop! 1033 00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:48,910 Just leave it in there. 1034 00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:50,161 Leave it in there. 1035 00:54:50,245 --> 00:54:51,538 Cram that pussy. 1036 00:54:51,621 --> 00:54:52,872 Cram the pussy. 1037 00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:54,749 Cram it. Fuck her up. Cram it. 1038 00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:55,917 Fucking cram. 1039 00:54:56,042 --> 00:54:57,085 Fucking cram. 1040 00:54:57,168 --> 00:54:58,336 Cram. Push the bitch. 1041 00:54:58,420 --> 00:54:59,254 Cram it. 1042 00:54:59,337 --> 00:55:00,839 "Where the fuck are we going?" 1043 00:55:00,922 --> 00:55:02,090 Fuck... fucking cram it. 1044 00:55:02,173 --> 00:55:03,800 "We're in the kitchen." 1045 00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:13,768 Just be happy you've been invited to the mansion party. 1046 00:55:15,186 --> 00:55:17,689 Just be happy you've been invited to the mansion party. 1047 00:55:17,772 --> 00:55:19,107 That's her mansion. 1048 00:55:19,190 --> 00:55:21,401 Her 40-million-dollar mansion. 1049 00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:23,194 And she's throwing a party, 1050 00:55:23,278 --> 00:55:25,947 and there's only one person on that guest list, you! 1051 00:55:26,990 --> 00:55:29,242 I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking about it. 1052 00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:33,288 Forty-million-dollar mansion party 1053 00:55:33,371 --> 00:55:35,540 and she's got one person on the guest list, 1054 00:55:35,623 --> 00:55:36,458 you. 1055 00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:38,501 That's fucking amazing. 1056 00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:44,382 Unfortunately, you can't go all the way inside the mansion. 1057 00:55:48,178 --> 00:55:49,804 "It's a big place you got here." 1058 00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:54,267 But you can compliment the door frame. 1059 00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:58,396 -Jiggle the knob. - 1060 00:55:58,480 --> 00:55:59,564 Jiggle the knob. 1061 00:55:59,647 --> 00:56:03,026 Look for the spare key. It's in here, up here, and right there. 1062 00:56:03,109 --> 00:56:05,487 That's where the spare key is, I swear to God. 1063 00:56:05,570 --> 00:56:06,571 Find that shit. 1064 00:56:08,698 --> 00:56:11,910 Malcolm's upstairs, "They got a Jacuzzi up in this motherfucker." 1065 00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:14,120 Fuck you, Malcolm. 1066 00:56:24,714 --> 00:56:26,674 I'm just gonna tell my son the truth. 1067 00:56:27,217 --> 00:56:29,386 And be like, "Look Joe, size doesn't matter. 1068 00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:32,180 Size doesn't matter." 1069 00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:34,641 It got quiet in here. 1070 00:56:36,267 --> 00:56:37,310 Does size matter? 1071 00:56:37,394 --> 00:56:38,728 - Yeah. -Yeah? 1072 00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:41,314 Does size matter? 1073 00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:42,732 Yes! 1074 00:56:43,733 --> 00:56:44,609 Yeah? 1075 00:56:45,151 --> 00:56:45,985 Yes? 1076 00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:47,070 Yes! 1077 00:56:47,153 --> 00:56:48,154 One no! 1078 00:56:54,077 --> 00:56:54,994 I was right. 1079 00:56:57,247 --> 00:56:58,957 I'm gonna ask again, does size matter? 1080 00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:00,458 - Yes! - No. 1081 00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:02,293 Yes. 1082 00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:04,170 No, down here. 1083 00:57:04,254 --> 00:57:05,255 Yes, up there. 1084 00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:11,052 See what good credit will get you. 1085 00:57:20,770 --> 00:57:22,522 Good credit gets you downstairs. 1086 00:57:26,526 --> 00:57:27,694 Oh, shit. 1087 00:57:29,737 --> 00:57:32,657 Malcolm's got front row. He got a big dick and good credit. 1088 00:57:32,740 --> 00:57:33,825 Motherfucker! 1089 00:57:34,117 --> 00:57:35,702 Motherfucker! 1090 00:57:38,163 --> 00:57:39,998 You sure you don't have a big pussy? 1091 00:57:43,835 --> 00:57:45,962 What? Is that fucked up? 1092 00:57:46,629 --> 00:57:49,382 Stop. I said I had a small dick. Stop. 1093 00:57:49,716 --> 00:57:52,719 Maybe that wasn't her yelling. Maybe that was their big pussy like, 1094 00:57:52,802 --> 00:57:54,137 -"Yes!" 1095 00:57:54,220 --> 00:57:56,598 "Shut up, big pussy." "No, he's a liar." 1096 00:57:56,681 --> 00:57:58,725 "Shut up, big pussy." "No!" 1097 00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:04,814 If... 1098 00:58:04,898 --> 00:58:06,191 If size matters, 1099 00:58:06,274 --> 00:58:08,109 then why is the number-one sex toy 1100 00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:10,945 that's always sold out at the sex shop that little, tiny... 1101 00:58:13,865 --> 00:58:16,951 Look, look at all the women. 1102 00:58:19,954 --> 00:58:21,331 The size of my dick, right there. 1103 00:58:25,919 --> 00:58:27,754 Every woman buys that fucking thing. 1104 00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:31,758 Not one woman goes in the sex shop and goes, "I'll take this right here. 1105 00:58:34,093 --> 00:58:37,222 I wanna fuck something and scratch my throat at the same time." 1106 00:58:41,142 --> 00:58:41,976 Every woman... 1107 00:58:51,819 --> 00:58:54,072 When you use it... 1108 00:58:58,993 --> 00:59:01,162 I love you, Hawaii. Thank you so much, man.