1 00:00:00,421 --> 00:00:02,772 Da-ad? 2 00:00:02,930 --> 00:00:05,444 Da-ad? 3 00:00:05,469 --> 00:00:06,804 Emily? 4 00:00:06,957 --> 00:00:08,890 I had a dream. 5 00:00:10,194 --> 00:00:12,109 I know how you're gonna die. 6 00:00:12,134 --> 00:00:13,134 What?! 7 00:00:15,001 --> 00:00:16,594 What's... What's happening? What's happening? 8 00:00:16,618 --> 00:00:19,015 She just said she knows how I'm gonna die. 9 00:00:20,435 --> 00:00:21,929 Do we have life insurance? 10 00:00:23,829 --> 00:00:25,218 Can I have my iPad? 11 00:00:25,243 --> 00:00:27,507 I want to look at pictures of mummies. 12 00:00:28,132 --> 00:00:29,531 Can she? 13 00:00:29,813 --> 00:00:30,979 What? No! 14 00:00:31,004 --> 00:00:32,004 Go to bed! 15 00:00:32,029 --> 00:00:34,329 Can I at least have a Popsicle? 16 00:00:34,511 --> 00:00:36,077 Can she? 17 00:00:36,204 --> 00:00:37,867 - Uh, no? No! - No. 18 00:00:37,892 --> 00:00:39,391 No. Bed. 19 00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:42,187 If you wake your sister, no more "National Geographic for Kids." 20 00:00:43,730 --> 00:00:45,593 Bill, did you just threaten to punish her 21 00:00:45,618 --> 00:00:47,251 by taking away geography? 22 00:00:47,276 --> 00:00:48,409 Yep. 23 00:00:48,434 --> 00:00:50,210 And I'll do it, too. 24 00:00:51,076 --> 00:00:54,101 Her obsession with Ancient Egypt is very weird. 25 00:00:54,495 --> 00:00:57,578 I love her, but she is just strange. 26 00:00:57,603 --> 00:00:59,769 You know, she names all her bananas 27 00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:02,061 and then does their screams while she eats them. 28 00:01:05,820 --> 00:01:08,124 - Are we bad parents? - Ohh. 29 00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:10,203 Probably. 30 00:01:11,302 --> 00:01:13,179 She has zero friends. 31 00:01:13,204 --> 00:01:14,870 You know, I wish she could just make one. 32 00:01:14,895 --> 00:01:17,640 Must be why her teacher's making us come in for this conference. 33 00:01:17,665 --> 00:01:18,976 Yeah, it's gotta be bad news, right? 34 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,274 Or else the teacher would just text us. 35 00:01:20,298 --> 00:01:22,343 It's like, why don't people just text bad news? 36 00:01:22,368 --> 00:01:24,414 Yeah, what, do you want to stare at us while we get bad news? 37 00:01:24,438 --> 00:01:25,937 I mean, t-that's psycho. 38 00:01:27,526 --> 00:01:29,640 Our daughter's insane, and the teacher's psycho. 39 00:01:29,665 --> 00:01:32,242 Well, we figured it out. Great 2:00 a.m. talk, sweetie. 40 00:01:37,790 --> 00:01:39,218 And she woke the baby. 41 00:01:39,243 --> 00:01:41,210 Okay, that's it! No more Egypt! 42 00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:42,908 Aah! 43 00:01:54,738 --> 00:01:56,523 I hate the sunrise. 44 00:01:58,679 --> 00:02:00,070 Yeah, me, too. 45 00:02:00,095 --> 00:02:02,362 I'm already exhausted, and nothing's even happened yet. 46 00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:06,609 Hey, look at this Facebook reminder. 47 00:02:06,634 --> 00:02:10,038 10 years ago today... Whitewater rafting in Belize. 48 00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,696 Wait, who's that guy you're kissing? 49 00:02:11,721 --> 00:02:13,085 That's you. 50 00:02:13,672 --> 00:02:16,124 Wow! I have so much hair. 51 00:02:18,044 --> 00:02:19,429 I know. 52 00:02:19,454 --> 00:02:20,820 I know. 53 00:02:24,304 --> 00:02:25,828 But this is better. 54 00:02:25,853 --> 00:02:27,186 Right? 55 00:02:27,211 --> 00:02:28,242 Hmm? 56 00:02:28,267 --> 00:02:29,929 Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. 57 00:02:38,417 --> 00:02:42,196 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com 58 00:02:43,884 --> 00:02:46,404 Oh. Whatcha drawing? 59 00:02:46,429 --> 00:02:47,572 My birthday party. 60 00:02:47,597 --> 00:02:49,228 Yeah? You better leave room for your friends. 61 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,518 No, I'm done. 62 00:02:52,030 --> 00:02:53,912 Good morning, my angels. 63 00:02:53,937 --> 00:02:54,938 - Good morning, Mom. - Morning. 64 00:02:54,962 --> 00:02:55,985 Hi, Grandma. 65 00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,376 Hi, Grandma. 66 00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:00,685 My medications are interacting with each other 67 00:03:00,710 --> 00:03:02,944 in a very pleasant way this morning. 68 00:03:05,551 --> 00:03:07,548 - Here you go, kids. - Yummy! 69 00:03:07,573 --> 00:03:10,307 Or... Or maybe they'd like some of my bran cereal. 70 00:03:10,554 --> 00:03:12,775 - Please, not this again. I can't. - Give me strength, Jesus. 71 00:03:12,799 --> 00:03:15,066 I'm sorry, but, like all Americans, 72 00:03:15,091 --> 00:03:17,048 these kids need more fiber. 73 00:03:17,073 --> 00:03:19,374 What are they? 50-year-old cops? They'll be fine. 74 00:03:21,138 --> 00:03:24,976 Oh, you laugh, but if you don't eat enough fiber, 75 00:03:25,001 --> 00:03:27,032 I know how you're gonna die. 76 00:03:30,481 --> 00:03:33,785 Look, Mom, if we give them bran, they won't eat it, okay? 77 00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:34,946 Watch. 78 00:03:35,188 --> 00:03:36,255 See? 79 00:03:40,602 --> 00:03:41,693 You see? 80 00:03:41,718 --> 00:03:44,470 Are we just going to let her throw her cereal? 81 00:03:44,495 --> 00:03:46,565 Yes, that's... That's what 2-year-olds do. 82 00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:48,089 But they might not, 83 00:03:48,114 --> 00:03:52,571 if we team up together to establish consequences. 84 00:03:52,596 --> 00:03:55,282 Oh! Like how you used to threaten to take my dog away? 85 00:03:55,307 --> 00:03:57,709 Exactly! That worked! 86 00:03:57,734 --> 00:03:59,211 Through fear! 87 00:03:59,236 --> 00:04:03,048 Okay, Bill, what's your generation's enlightened way 88 00:04:03,073 --> 00:04:05,173 of stopping the bran bandit? 89 00:04:09,793 --> 00:04:10,925 Here you go, sweetie. 90 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,283 See? 91 00:04:12,541 --> 00:04:14,165 My pops! 92 00:04:15,706 --> 00:04:16,829 Mm-hmm. 93 00:04:16,854 --> 00:04:18,053 Mm-hmm. 94 00:04:23,568 --> 00:04:25,170 Good, Lulu. 95 00:04:25,407 --> 00:04:27,595 Grandma can't take you away. 96 00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:31,274 Prepare to be e-mailed several articles. 97 00:04:33,615 --> 00:04:36,881 Hey, remember when my mom moved in with us two years ago 98 00:04:36,906 --> 00:04:38,116 because she was sick? 99 00:04:38,141 --> 00:04:39,818 Then she got better and never left? 100 00:04:39,843 --> 00:04:41,776 It was the worst miracle. 101 00:04:43,191 --> 00:04:44,489 Honey, I love her, 102 00:04:44,514 --> 00:04:46,649 but we cannot let her negativity get to us. 103 00:04:46,674 --> 00:04:47,674 No, no, don't worry. 104 00:04:47,698 --> 00:04:49,961 We will never treat the kids the way she treats us, okay? 105 00:04:49,986 --> 00:04:52,731 Look, let... let's just make a conscious decision 106 00:04:52,756 --> 00:04:54,322 to be positive, huh? 107 00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,484 You know what? I like it. 108 00:04:56,509 --> 00:04:58,593 How about this... How about we both say something 109 00:04:58,618 --> 00:05:00,611 - that we're grateful for, okay? - Okay. 110 00:05:00,737 --> 00:05:01,939 - I love yo... - I love Dan, 111 00:05:01,964 --> 00:05:04,017 - the guy who trims our trees. - Huh? Oh. 112 00:05:04,834 --> 00:05:06,268 Yeah, he's good. 113 00:05:06,478 --> 00:05:09,228 Okay. Here you are, kiddo. Let me grab your backpack. 114 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,417 Oh, Bill, did you get her lunch? 115 00:05:12,442 --> 00:05:13,574 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 116 00:05:13,599 --> 00:05:15,931 Bill, I don't remember rushing around like this 117 00:05:15,956 --> 00:05:17,268 when I was raising you. 118 00:05:17,293 --> 00:05:18,926 I guess I was organized. 119 00:05:20,993 --> 00:05:21,993 Thanks, Mom. 120 00:05:22,018 --> 00:05:24,029 Hey, babe, is this a leak? 121 00:05:24,054 --> 00:05:27,588 You know, I did not marry a contractor to live like this. 122 00:05:28,269 --> 00:05:30,301 We gotta hide that bucket. Chuy's coming over. 123 00:05:30,326 --> 00:05:31,595 What? Why? 124 00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:33,909 Because I couldn't get any of my other brothers to drive me to work. 125 00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:35,836 Oh, come on. Don't let him in the house, okay? 126 00:05:35,861 --> 00:05:38,072 I can't deal with his upbeat negativity. 127 00:05:38,097 --> 00:05:40,931 He really is caring and helpful... 128 00:05:40,956 --> 00:05:43,924 and annoying and so freakin' awful. 129 00:05:44,656 --> 00:05:46,361 I love him. 130 00:05:47,414 --> 00:05:48,963 That lines up. 131 00:05:49,273 --> 00:05:51,164 Crap. He's in the driveway. 132 00:05:51,189 --> 00:05:53,647 Oh, just go. Just go. Get out the door. Don't worry about... 133 00:05:54,316 --> 00:05:56,227 - Hey! - Hey! 134 00:05:56,252 --> 00:05:58,172 What's going on there, bud? Good to see you, Chu. 135 00:05:58,197 --> 00:06:00,297 I know you guys are too proud to ask for help, 136 00:06:00,322 --> 00:06:01,821 so my wife, Brie, and I 137 00:06:01,846 --> 00:06:04,041 put together a charity box for you. 138 00:06:05,094 --> 00:06:07,772 Chuy, we both work for the family business. 139 00:06:07,797 --> 00:06:09,297 I make the same as you do. 140 00:06:09,322 --> 00:06:11,976 Come on, Jo. It's me, your brother! 141 00:06:12,001 --> 00:06:13,521 The car is "in the shop," 142 00:06:13,546 --> 00:06:15,236 you're still living with Bill's mom. 143 00:06:15,261 --> 00:06:16,661 No, she lives with us. 144 00:06:16,686 --> 00:06:18,483 - It's unclear. - No, it isn't. 145 00:06:18,916 --> 00:06:21,086 And I checked your recycling. 146 00:06:21,343 --> 00:06:23,444 There were 12 beer cans in there. 147 00:06:23,469 --> 00:06:25,023 So? 148 00:06:25,048 --> 00:06:28,082 Look, I've been known to enjoy a cerveza on a Friday night 149 00:06:28,107 --> 00:06:29,894 after the kids go to bed, 150 00:06:29,919 --> 00:06:32,987 but each of you is drinking almost a beer a night. 151 00:06:33,928 --> 00:06:36,601 Okay, well, most of those are Jo's, so... 152 00:06:36,923 --> 00:06:40,157 I can barely see you guys behind all these red flags. 153 00:06:40,244 --> 00:06:42,851 Okay, well, you should probably be getting off to work, huh? 154 00:06:42,876 --> 00:06:45,677 - Time is money. - No, no, no. Time is time. 155 00:06:45,702 --> 00:06:47,535 Maybe if you knew that, you'd have money. 156 00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:52,484 ♪ Z, Y, X, W, V, U, T... ♪ 157 00:06:52,509 --> 00:06:54,122 Oh, whatcha doing, sweetie? 158 00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:56,477 The alphabet backwards. 159 00:06:56,579 --> 00:06:57,945 Oh. 160 00:06:57,970 --> 00:06:59,491 Aren't you gonna correct her? 161 00:06:59,618 --> 00:07:01,585 They won't. I've tried. 162 00:07:02,504 --> 00:07:05,396 We will just see what her teacher has to say about it 163 00:07:05,421 --> 00:07:06,904 today at her conference. 164 00:07:06,936 --> 00:07:09,416 Oh, so, you're gonna let the teacher parent your child for you? 165 00:07:10,927 --> 00:07:12,126 Maybe. 166 00:07:13,245 --> 00:07:17,408 See, Chuy, this is the attitude I was texting you about. 167 00:07:17,433 --> 00:07:19,344 Okay, no, look, I got it, alright? 168 00:07:19,369 --> 00:07:21,241 Hey. Hey, you. 169 00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,214 Is everything alright at school? Hmm? 170 00:07:23,239 --> 00:07:24,622 Have you been disruptive? 171 00:07:24,647 --> 00:07:25,835 I don't know, Dad. 172 00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:28,286 Have you been disruptive? 173 00:07:28,311 --> 00:07:29,510 Boop! 174 00:07:37,453 --> 00:07:38,584 I can't believe we're here 175 00:07:38,609 --> 00:07:40,788 and my brother Gary's on a yacht in Italy. 176 00:07:40,813 --> 00:07:43,758 Eight of my brothers are in court, on opposite sides. 177 00:07:45,479 --> 00:07:47,289 I don't want to go to some dumb conference 178 00:07:47,314 --> 00:07:49,023 and hear that we're bad parents. 179 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:50,632 This sucks. 180 00:07:50,657 --> 00:07:52,034 Doesn't have to suck for both of us. 181 00:07:52,058 --> 00:07:54,058 Oh, nice try. You're going. 182 00:07:55,980 --> 00:07:58,514 Okay, you know what? We need a plan. 183 00:07:58,631 --> 00:08:00,430 Can I make a positive suggestion? 184 00:08:00,455 --> 00:08:01,773 - Okay? - Okay. 185 00:08:01,798 --> 00:08:03,464 Uh... 186 00:08:03,829 --> 00:08:06,881 you tend to need... everyone to like us, 187 00:08:06,906 --> 00:08:08,806 so would you mind not holding my hand in there, 188 00:08:08,831 --> 00:08:10,133 just to make us look good? 189 00:08:10,939 --> 00:08:13,312 Okay. Can I make a positive suggestion? 190 00:08:13,337 --> 00:08:14,344 Sure. 191 00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:16,991 You get very emotional whenever we talk about the children, 192 00:08:17,016 --> 00:08:18,359 so don't start crying 193 00:08:18,384 --> 00:08:20,284 and then turn this into your personal therapy. 194 00:08:20,309 --> 00:08:22,539 Alright, alright, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. 195 00:08:22,564 --> 00:08:24,397 Just being positive again... 196 00:08:24,422 --> 00:08:26,901 Don't laugh when she hasn't made a joke. 197 00:08:26,926 --> 00:08:29,062 You do that, and it's weird. 198 00:08:29,087 --> 00:08:30,531 Know what I mean? 199 00:08:30,815 --> 00:08:31,859 Okay. 200 00:08:31,884 --> 00:08:33,984 Also, being super positive... 201 00:08:34,009 --> 00:08:36,444 Don't volunteer me to make tacos for the class, 202 00:08:36,469 --> 00:08:37,672 or I will freak out. 203 00:08:37,697 --> 00:08:40,914 Okay. Alright. That feels like enough positivity for n... 204 00:08:41,341 --> 00:08:43,000 Oh, God. It's time. 205 00:08:45,462 --> 00:08:48,133 Alright. Let's not overthink this. 206 00:08:48,158 --> 00:08:49,797 We will listen, not talk. 207 00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:51,242 It's about Emily, not us. 208 00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:52,781 Great. Listen, don't talk. Got it. 209 00:08:52,806 --> 00:08:54,227 - What's more important? - You know, Emily's independent. 210 00:08:54,251 --> 00:08:56,102 - Friends or character? - Americans are independent. 211 00:08:56,126 --> 00:08:58,373 Actually, that's why we celebrate Independence Day. 212 00:08:58,398 --> 00:09:00,180 I mean, wasn't Einstein unusual? 213 00:09:00,205 --> 00:09:01,359 Right. Wasn't Picasso? 214 00:09:01,384 --> 00:09:02,734 Wasn't, uh... who's that fellow? 215 00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:04,662 Armie Hammer? 216 00:09:05,361 --> 00:09:07,125 First of all, hello. 217 00:09:09,259 --> 00:09:10,812 Not a joke. 218 00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:13,241 Please, have a seat. 219 00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:15,765 You seem nervous I called you in. 220 00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:18,172 Of course I'm nervous. My daughter knows how I'm gonna die. 221 00:09:20,036 --> 00:09:23,820 Well, I felt it important, given Emily's... 222 00:09:23,845 --> 00:09:26,406 quirks, that you hear in person... 223 00:09:26,431 --> 00:09:28,070 - Oh, boy. - Here we go. 224 00:09:28,303 --> 00:09:30,969 That I think Emily is... 225 00:09:32,625 --> 00:09:33,805 great. 226 00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:35,422 Alright, listen, where do you get of... 227 00:09:35,447 --> 00:09:36,813 Wait, what? 228 00:09:36,956 --> 00:09:38,750 Wow. That's terrific. 229 00:09:38,775 --> 00:09:40,406 That's actually a gigantic relief. 230 00:09:40,431 --> 00:09:41,884 Also feels a bit like you could have texted it. 231 00:09:41,908 --> 00:09:42,940 Yeah. 232 00:09:44,135 --> 00:09:46,695 So, she gets along with other kids? 233 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,110 No. 234 00:09:48,678 --> 00:09:51,476 But her best friend is her imagination. 235 00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:54,086 She actually reminds me of a student I had years ago 236 00:09:54,111 --> 00:09:55,859 who wound up going to Harvard. 237 00:09:55,884 --> 00:09:57,672 - Neat. - Good for him! 238 00:09:57,697 --> 00:10:00,261 Yeah, well, he was crushed by an avalanche. 239 00:10:00,286 --> 00:10:01,956 Girl, he dead. 240 00:10:05,635 --> 00:10:07,690 - Oh, no. - Sorry for your loss. 241 00:10:08,196 --> 00:10:10,263 Anyway, Emily. 242 00:10:10,288 --> 00:10:13,644 She struggles a bit socially, but still, she's happy, 243 00:10:13,669 --> 00:10:15,603 so you must be great parents. 244 00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,449 Ohh! 245 00:10:18,692 --> 00:10:20,308 Oh! 246 00:10:20,433 --> 00:10:21,940 You know, uh, this morning, 247 00:10:21,965 --> 00:10:24,534 my mom said that I was raising my kids wrong, 248 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:26,259 but she's wrong. 249 00:10:26,284 --> 00:10:27,550 She... 250 00:10:29,315 --> 00:10:30,996 was wrong about me. 251 00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:32,187 I'm sorry. 252 00:10:33,431 --> 00:10:35,206 Mrs. Shaw, thank you so much. 253 00:10:35,231 --> 00:10:36,769 My pleasure. 254 00:10:36,794 --> 00:10:37,800 We're actually having 255 00:10:37,825 --> 00:10:39,723 an international food day, if you want to volunteer. 256 00:10:39,747 --> 00:10:42,548 Oh. Nope. Sorry. No, I can't. Gotta work. Sorry. Busy. 257 00:10:43,874 --> 00:10:46,190 Emily's great! Positivity works! 258 00:10:49,875 --> 00:10:51,636 I can't wait to rub it in my mom's face. 259 00:10:51,661 --> 00:10:52,737 Me, too. 260 00:10:53,093 --> 00:10:54,192 Hi! 261 00:10:54,217 --> 00:10:55,217 Hi! 262 00:10:55,242 --> 00:10:57,112 - Oh, who's that? - No clue. 263 00:11:01,503 --> 00:11:03,721 You're probably wondering why we invited you in. 264 00:11:03,839 --> 00:11:05,205 You need money. 265 00:11:06,442 --> 00:11:09,476 You see, today, we've decided to be positive. 266 00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:10,501 Interesting. 267 00:11:10,526 --> 00:11:12,261 And at our conference, 268 00:11:12,286 --> 00:11:14,658 the teacher said she loves Emily. 269 00:11:14,683 --> 00:11:16,350 Mm-hmm. And the teacher added 270 00:11:16,375 --> 00:11:19,955 that Emily reminds her exactly of a student who went to... 271 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:21,146 Wait. Hold on a second. I forget. 272 00:11:21,170 --> 00:11:22,426 Do you remember where it was, Jo? 273 00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:23,816 Mm... Harvard. 274 00:11:25,653 --> 00:11:27,219 Harvard. 275 00:11:27,619 --> 00:11:29,581 That's a college, Mom. 276 00:11:31,236 --> 00:11:34,558 And just for reference, dear brother, 277 00:11:34,583 --> 00:11:36,855 where was it, again, that you went? 278 00:11:37,529 --> 00:11:39,308 University of Longmont. 279 00:11:39,761 --> 00:11:41,628 Well, in spite of both of you 280 00:11:41,653 --> 00:11:44,687 thinking that we do everything wrong, 281 00:11:44,781 --> 00:11:46,956 the teacher said that we are great parents. 282 00:11:47,909 --> 00:11:49,190 Great... 283 00:11:49,803 --> 00:11:51,261 parents. 284 00:11:53,224 --> 00:11:55,214 This wine tastes cheap. 285 00:11:55,646 --> 00:11:58,026 Yeah, well, last Christmas, you gave it to us. 286 00:11:58,956 --> 00:12:00,472 Mom, look! 287 00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:02,503 - Oh, my God! - What happened?! 288 00:12:02,528 --> 00:12:04,144 Why is that outside her body?! 289 00:12:04,169 --> 00:12:05,519 - I don't know! - Why?! 290 00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:08,955 Bill, get Lulu! We have to go to the ER now! 291 00:12:11,153 --> 00:12:12,911 It's a prolapsed rectum. 292 00:12:15,194 --> 00:12:17,716 Well, now we have the wedding toast. 293 00:12:18,255 --> 00:12:20,161 Oh, my God. Is she gonna be okay? 294 00:12:20,186 --> 00:12:21,232 What happened? 295 00:12:21,257 --> 00:12:22,456 Well, a prolapsed rectum is, 296 00:12:22,481 --> 00:12:24,177 for lack of a more graceful description, 297 00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:26,857 when your entire butt falls out of your body. 298 00:12:28,933 --> 00:12:33,513 Okay, so anyone's butt can just fall out at... at any moment? 299 00:12:34,431 --> 00:12:35,919 Yes. 300 00:12:36,369 --> 00:12:38,535 That is such a design flaw! 301 00:12:38,802 --> 00:12:41,552 I should know! I'm an engineer! 302 00:12:41,577 --> 00:12:43,599 What kind of life is this?! 303 00:12:44,027 --> 00:12:46,193 Bill, calmate. 304 00:12:46,218 --> 00:12:47,536 Are we looking at surgery? 305 00:12:47,561 --> 00:12:48,825 No, if she relaxes for an hour, 306 00:12:48,850 --> 00:12:50,709 everything should naturally go back into her body, 307 00:12:50,733 --> 00:12:53,263 and then you just need to make sure she gets enough fiber. 308 00:12:54,605 --> 00:12:57,205 Do not tell that to my mother. 309 00:12:57,347 --> 00:12:59,099 I... won't. 310 00:12:59,954 --> 00:13:01,587 So, it won't happen again? 311 00:13:01,612 --> 00:13:03,310 Oh, no, it could easily happen again, 312 00:13:03,335 --> 00:13:04,662 and you'll never know when or where, 313 00:13:04,686 --> 00:13:06,771 but also, maybe it won't. 314 00:13:07,543 --> 00:13:10,111 Okay, so, on top of everything else that's going on, 315 00:13:10,136 --> 00:13:12,336 we're essentially living with a butt time bomb. 316 00:13:13,457 --> 00:13:14,623 Yes. 317 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,060 For your daughter's file, can you tell me what happened? 318 00:13:18,085 --> 00:13:19,411 We don't know exactly. 319 00:13:19,436 --> 00:13:21,458 We were in the other room, she screamed for us... 320 00:13:21,483 --> 00:13:22,545 Yeah, you know how kids are constantly 321 00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:24,255 screaming and it's usually nothing? 322 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:26,591 So, you typically ignore her screams? 323 00:13:26,616 --> 00:13:29,419 No. I mean, we're not helicopter parents. 324 00:13:29,444 --> 00:13:31,256 Right, but at the same time, we're not free-range parents. 325 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:33,654 We have no style. We're... We're kind of nothing parents. 326 00:13:33,679 --> 00:13:35,024 Yeah, yeah, we're just sort of there, 327 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:37,138 yet at the same time... not. 328 00:13:37,163 --> 00:13:39,169 Why are you writing so much? 329 00:13:40,271 --> 00:13:42,966 Don't worry. This is just information for Jane. 330 00:13:42,991 --> 00:13:44,057 Who's Jane? 331 00:13:44,082 --> 00:13:46,732 Hi, I'm Jane Costa. I'm a social worker. 332 00:13:48,458 --> 00:13:51,294 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Social worker? 333 00:13:51,319 --> 00:13:53,185 Do I need to call my attorney? 334 00:13:53,210 --> 00:13:55,997 Do I need to Google attorneys and pick one really fast? 335 00:13:56,564 --> 00:13:58,732 No, I just have to ask you a few questions 336 00:13:58,757 --> 00:14:01,083 and make sure there are no parenting issues. 337 00:14:01,261 --> 00:14:02,482 Okay. 338 00:14:02,507 --> 00:14:05,675 Your kids have been to the ER three times already this year. 339 00:14:05,811 --> 00:14:07,244 Oh, that's it? 340 00:14:09,106 --> 00:14:11,740 Can you explain the reason for all these visits? 341 00:14:11,765 --> 00:14:13,755 Well, the first visit was pinworms. 342 00:14:13,780 --> 00:14:15,677 If we say anything more about it, I'll throw up. 343 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,247 The next visit... 344 00:14:18,272 --> 00:14:20,146 well, Lulu had a temperature of 107. 345 00:14:20,171 --> 00:14:21,716 It was actually a hospital record. 346 00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,365 Not that we... care about those sorts of things. 347 00:14:26,062 --> 00:14:28,708 Uh, the third visit was... again, pinworms. 348 00:14:28,733 --> 00:14:30,122 Do you have a garbage pail? 349 00:14:31,844 --> 00:14:33,497 Is there a problem? 350 00:14:33,522 --> 00:14:35,350 I mean, it's clear nothing criminal took place. 351 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:38,560 Maybe just a little bit of negligent parenting. 352 00:14:38,585 --> 00:14:39,795 - Excuse me? - No, you know what? 353 00:14:39,819 --> 00:14:42,216 Hearing it out loud, I'm beginning to see her side of this. 354 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:45,515 No. 355 00:14:45,938 --> 00:14:48,052 How old are you, Jane? 356 00:14:48,077 --> 00:14:49,200 23. 357 00:14:49,225 --> 00:14:51,318 And do you have children, Jane? 358 00:14:51,343 --> 00:14:52,944 It's not good when she starts saying your name like that. 359 00:14:52,968 --> 00:14:54,647 - Not now, Bill. - Okay. 360 00:14:55,586 --> 00:14:57,599 No offense... This isn't about me. 361 00:14:57,624 --> 00:14:58,657 It's about you. 362 00:14:58,682 --> 00:15:00,888 Oh, but this is about you, 363 00:15:00,913 --> 00:15:03,474 because you have no idea what life is. 364 00:15:03,499 --> 00:15:06,572 - I'm sorry? - 10 years ago, I was you. 365 00:15:06,736 --> 00:15:09,214 No responsibilities, life was easy, 366 00:15:09,239 --> 00:15:11,932 and now I haven't used a bathroom by myself 367 00:15:11,957 --> 00:15:13,651 in six years! 368 00:15:13,676 --> 00:15:15,487 That's a little bit on me, actually. 369 00:15:16,315 --> 00:15:20,307 You have no idea the pressure of raising kids, 370 00:15:20,332 --> 00:15:23,057 knowing that you can't possibly do everything right, 371 00:15:23,082 --> 00:15:24,557 but you have to do it anyway, 372 00:15:24,582 --> 00:15:25,987 while your mother-in-law questions 373 00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,945 every single thing you do. 374 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,557 That's kind of a cheap shot. 375 00:15:30,745 --> 00:15:32,346 And still, you make sure 376 00:15:32,371 --> 00:15:34,037 that your beautiful child is safe, 377 00:15:34,062 --> 00:15:35,721 and you send her out into the world, 378 00:15:35,746 --> 00:15:38,159 and no one at school will be friends with her, 379 00:15:38,184 --> 00:15:41,745 and then her organs just go flying out of her body! 380 00:15:41,989 --> 00:15:45,690 So, God forbid, if in the middle of all this chaos, Jane, 381 00:15:45,715 --> 00:15:48,526 you have a sip of wine and something bad happens! 382 00:15:48,551 --> 00:15:51,118 Well, let me tell you, that is not negligence! 383 00:15:51,143 --> 00:15:53,283 It's called life! 384 00:15:53,308 --> 00:15:55,182 I don't even know what time it is anymore. 385 00:15:55,207 --> 00:15:57,593 - 3:00 a.m. - It's 3:00 a.m., Jane! 386 00:15:58,148 --> 00:16:00,202 So, if my daughter's butt is back in her body, 387 00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,906 we would very much like to go home now, Jane! 388 00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:04,929 Yeah! 389 00:16:17,294 --> 00:16:19,879 Hey. How we doing? 390 00:16:19,904 --> 00:16:21,209 Everything's back where it's supposed to be. 391 00:16:21,233 --> 00:16:22,233 She's good to go. 392 00:16:22,258 --> 00:16:23,974 Ah, thank you, Doctor. 393 00:16:23,999 --> 00:16:25,989 I heard you yelled at Jane. 394 00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:29,367 Yeah. Sorry. I snapped. 395 00:16:29,392 --> 00:16:30,911 I'm a parent. I understand. 396 00:16:30,936 --> 00:16:32,919 Sometimes you just need to yell at a stranger. 397 00:16:33,922 --> 00:16:35,263 Besides, she made a big error 398 00:16:35,288 --> 00:16:38,222 in the softball game last weekend, so... good. 399 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,903 Hey. Look what we got you. 400 00:16:44,147 --> 00:16:46,114 His name is Samuel, 401 00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,006 he lives in Antarctica, 402 00:16:48,031 --> 00:16:50,898 and his main predator is seals. 403 00:16:52,009 --> 00:16:54,294 Okay, kiddo. Time to go. 404 00:16:54,319 --> 00:16:57,083 It was fun watching a movie with you, Kimmy. 405 00:16:57,108 --> 00:16:59,560 Thanks for teaching me about mummies. 406 00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:02,669 No problem. They're very interesting. 407 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:07,271 Can you come play with me sometime? 408 00:17:07,437 --> 00:17:09,653 That would be fun. Bye. 409 00:17:09,678 --> 00:17:11,341 Bye. 410 00:17:13,703 --> 00:17:15,067 Dad. 411 00:17:15,092 --> 00:17:18,255 I get to go home, but Kimmy has to stay here, 412 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,881 and I don't want her to be alone. 413 00:17:24,951 --> 00:17:26,997 Sam will take care of you. 414 00:17:27,022 --> 00:17:28,786 Thank you. 415 00:17:29,255 --> 00:17:30,981 Guess we're doing something right. 416 00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,420 Hey, keep him away from seals, Kimmy. 417 00:17:33,444 --> 00:17:34,977 Oh. Okay. 418 00:17:49,626 --> 00:17:51,208 Life is so weird. 419 00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:54,668 We're positive, and then a butt disaster happens. 420 00:17:54,693 --> 00:17:58,061 Then we're negative, and Emily finally makes a friend. 421 00:17:58,436 --> 00:18:00,708 People who don't have children are stupid 422 00:18:00,733 --> 00:18:01,950 and understand nothing 423 00:18:01,975 --> 00:18:04,242 and are also very, very lucky. 424 00:18:05,630 --> 00:18:08,052 Hey. Let's be grateful. 425 00:18:08,077 --> 00:18:10,013 Seeing all those kids in the hospitals... 426 00:18:10,038 --> 00:18:11,591 - No, I know. I know. - Ohh. 427 00:18:11,616 --> 00:18:13,153 We're blessed. 428 00:18:13,950 --> 00:18:15,911 - Hey. - Hmm? 429 00:18:18,768 --> 00:18:20,396 The universe hates us! 430 00:18:25,745 --> 00:18:27,037 Sir, have you been drinking tonight? 431 00:18:27,061 --> 00:18:28,271 You reek of alcohol. 432 00:18:28,296 --> 00:18:29,411 Oh, right. No. 433 00:18:29,436 --> 00:18:31,060 Uh, about nine hours ago, 434 00:18:31,085 --> 00:18:33,255 my wife threw a glass of white wine on me. 435 00:18:33,449 --> 00:18:35,349 By accident. 436 00:18:36,309 --> 00:18:37,724 Uh-huh. 437 00:18:39,879 --> 00:18:42,271 Hey, have you ever heard of a prolapsed rectum? 438 00:18:43,868 --> 00:18:45,488 Sir, please step out of the car. 439 00:19:08,209 --> 00:19:13,708 M, L, K, J, I... 440 00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:16,177 I... 441 00:19:16,319 --> 00:19:18,075 - H! - H! 442 00:19:18,916 --> 00:19:23,707 - G, F, E, D... - G, F, E, D... 443 00:19:23,732 --> 00:19:25,504 - C, B, A! - C, B, A! 444 00:19:25,529 --> 00:19:27,081 - Yay! - Yay! 445 00:19:27,106 --> 00:19:29,527 Whoo-hoo! Whoo! 446 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,590 I always do the alphabet backwards. 447 00:19:38,866 --> 00:19:42,613 And I will never correct anything she does. 448 00:19:42,638 --> 00:19:44,394 I mean, we're great parents. 449 00:19:44,419 --> 00:19:47,644 Who are you to tell me what's right or wrong? 450 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:49,787 I'm a police officer. 451 00:19:51,754 --> 00:19:53,351 How about I drive home? 452 00:19:57,215 --> 00:19:58,948 Hey, we did it. 453 00:19:59,050 --> 00:20:00,583 We made it home. 454 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:03,819 It's not a joke. 455 00:20:05,523 --> 00:20:07,289 I hate the sunrise. 456 00:20:07,314 --> 00:20:09,332 - The worst. - Ugh. 457 00:20:11,224 --> 00:20:14,167 Look at everything that happened just today, huh? 458 00:20:14,192 --> 00:20:15,690 That was, uh... 459 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,026 Oh, that was, uh... 460 00:20:17,051 --> 00:20:18,444 so much life. 461 00:20:19,793 --> 00:20:21,699 Too much life. 462 00:20:22,128 --> 00:20:23,840 I, um... 463 00:20:23,865 --> 00:20:26,004 I have no idea what I'm doing. 464 00:20:27,375 --> 00:20:28,894 Me either, babe. 465 00:20:28,919 --> 00:20:32,863 But... I know we can get through anything, together. 466 00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:43,308 Good morning! 467 00:20:43,333 --> 00:20:45,066 - Good night. - Good night. 468 00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:50,715 Hey! I thought you were trying to be positive!