1
00:00:02,868 --> 00:00:04,222
All right.
2
00:00:04,453 --> 00:00:07,025
Little ones are in bed.
Big ones are reading.
3
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:09,267
Time for the old ones to drink.
4
00:00:09,994 --> 00:00:11,765
Bad news:
5
00:00:11,790 --> 00:00:14,701
this is the last alcoholic
beverage in the entire house.
6
00:00:14,726 --> 00:00:15,796
Are you sure?
7
00:00:15,821 --> 00:00:17,015
Because last time you said that,
8
00:00:17,039 --> 00:00:18,976
we still had that really
old jar of peaches.
9
00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:20,530
Do you think I'd be drinking this beer
10
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:22,375
if we had a really old jar of peaches?
11
00:00:22,679 --> 00:00:24,641
Could you please just run
out and pick up more booze?
12
00:00:24,665 --> 00:00:27,076
No. I can't go back up there.
13
00:00:27,101 --> 00:00:28,443
Uh-uh. I want to stay down here,
14
00:00:28,468 --> 00:00:30,365
where it's safe and life can't find me.
15
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,436
Well, I'm not going.
16
00:00:32,461 --> 00:00:33,781
Today was horrible.
17
00:00:33,806 --> 00:00:36,877
I spent all day dreaming
about getting down here
18
00:00:36,902 --> 00:00:38,765
- and shutting off my brain.
- Okay.
19
00:00:38,790 --> 00:00:40,968
Let's play a little game.
20
00:00:40,993 --> 00:00:44,085
Worst day gets to keep
hiding in the basement.
21
00:00:44,390 --> 00:00:46,914
Loser gets more beers.
22
00:00:47,423 --> 00:00:48,577
Bring it.
23
00:00:48,828 --> 00:00:49,968
Okay.
24
00:00:49,993 --> 00:00:53,453
After work, I walked in on
Irwin changing for the gym.
25
00:00:53,478 --> 00:00:55,289
I saw everything.
26
00:00:55,985 --> 00:00:57,772
Still seeing it now.
27
00:00:58,233 --> 00:00:59,295
That's nothing.
28
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,079
One of the burlesque dancers
from the casino called in sick,
29
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:04,296
and since I'm covering
for everyone lately...
30
00:01:04,321 --> 00:01:06,046
- You didn't.
- I wish.
31
00:01:06,071 --> 00:01:08,210
I had to pick up her kid from day care.
32
00:01:08,565 --> 00:01:09,847
Okay.
33
00:01:09,872 --> 00:01:12,181
- Point you.
- Home was more brutal.
34
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,117
No one could decide what
they wanted for dinner,
35
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:16,026
so I said it's Taco Tuesday
36
00:01:16,051 --> 00:01:19,210
and then Nicole accused me
of cultural appropriation.
37
00:01:19,675 --> 00:01:21,148
You think that's bad?
38
00:01:21,173 --> 00:01:23,757
Up until right now,
I thought today was Friday.
39
00:01:23,782 --> 00:01:25,070
Oof.
40
00:01:26,820 --> 00:01:29,710
What would these two think
if they heard us complaining?
41
00:01:30,055 --> 00:01:31,398
Look at them.
42
00:01:31,423 --> 00:01:34,290
So young. So happy.
43
00:01:34,315 --> 00:01:36,296
- You know why they're so happy?
- Huh?
44
00:01:36,321 --> 00:01:39,601
'Cause they get to be in
this basement all the time.
45
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:41,652
- How about this?
- Mm?
46
00:01:41,677 --> 00:01:43,812
You finally hang up this picture,
47
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,437
we split the beer.
48
00:01:46,556 --> 00:01:47,890
Done.
49
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,257
Splitting rules apply, you pour,
50
00:01:52,282 --> 00:01:55,039
- I... Oh!
- Babe, are you okay?
51
00:01:55,064 --> 00:01:56,790
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm-I'm fine.
52
00:01:56,815 --> 00:01:59,562
But... I think there's
something in here.
53
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:01,137
Can we drink it?
54
00:02:03,117 --> 00:02:05,875
It looks like... black mold.
55
00:02:06,353 --> 00:02:08,789
Oh, my God, we're rich!
56
00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:12,597
No. No, no, no, that-that's black gold.
57
00:02:12,622 --> 00:02:14,872
This-this is poison.
58
00:02:14,897 --> 00:02:16,023
Ugh.
59
00:02:16,398 --> 00:02:17,913
We got to get out of here.
60
00:02:20,361 --> 00:02:22,453
Oh, bring that beer!
61
00:02:22,742 --> 00:02:24,359
Um...
62
00:02:24,664 --> 00:02:26,765
I think the black mold got it!
63
00:02:35,484 --> 00:02:37,914
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
64
00:02:37,939 --> 00:02:40,507
Hey. Feet off the couch.
65
00:02:40,532 --> 00:02:42,458
Hey, those apples are for company.
66
00:02:44,385 --> 00:02:46,968
And whose sweater is this?
67
00:02:47,262 --> 00:02:48,571
I swear, if someone doesn't tell me
68
00:02:48,595 --> 00:02:50,617
- whose sweater this is...
- It's yours.
69
00:02:51,242 --> 00:02:53,476
You said you were gonna wear it today.
70
00:02:53,501 --> 00:02:56,984
Oh, look at you,
knowing all the things I say.
71
00:02:57,935 --> 00:02:59,451
Mom and Dad have been in a bad mood
72
00:02:59,476 --> 00:03:01,086
ever since they lost the basement.
73
00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:03,265
Because that's where they
would go to decompress.
74
00:03:03,290 --> 00:03:06,000
Now that they don't have an
outlet for their frustration,
75
00:03:06,025 --> 00:03:08,195
they're taking it out on us.
76
00:03:08,587 --> 00:03:10,437
And they're around all the time.
77
00:03:10,462 --> 00:03:12,420
I feel like a rat in a cage.
78
00:03:13,809 --> 00:03:16,617
Now I know why all my rats
keep killing themselves.
79
00:03:17,845 --> 00:03:20,271
Things will go back to normal
soon, okay?
80
00:03:20,296 --> 00:03:21,545
The basement's supposed to be done
81
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:22,941
- by the end of the...
- Three more weeks?!
82
00:03:22,965 --> 00:03:24,333
That's what the mold guys said.
83
00:03:24,358 --> 00:03:25,848
Well, then what the hell have
they been doing this whole time?
84
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:28,612
Don't ask me. You're the one who
wanted to hire "professionals"
85
00:03:28,637 --> 00:03:30,178
who were "thorough"
and "could work within
86
00:03:30,202 --> 00:03:32,114
200 feet of a school."
87
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,595
When the cleaners are
done with the black mold,
88
00:03:34,619 --> 00:03:37,091
I'm gonna have them come back
and remove the White Mike!
89
00:03:37,799 --> 00:03:39,631
All right, it's bedtime.
Everyone in their pajamas.
90
00:03:39,655 --> 00:03:42,067
- They're in their pajamas!
- Well, then put on more pajamas!
91
00:03:43,622 --> 00:03:45,067
Three more weeks of that
92
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:48,093
and I might just start
taking candy from strangers.
93
00:03:48,975 --> 00:03:50,130
I can't take it.
94
00:03:50,155 --> 00:03:52,302
My baseline anxiety level is already
95
00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:54,653
defined medically as "yowza."
96
00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:57,153
What are they even so stressed about?
97
00:03:57,178 --> 00:03:59,310
Like parenting and
working their dumb jobs
98
00:03:59,335 --> 00:04:00,981
is so difficult.
99
00:04:01,006 --> 00:04:04,365
I know. Yeah, "Oh, my life is so hard.
100
00:04:04,390 --> 00:04:07,294
"I have to make a table and pour
my kid a glass of sink water
101
00:04:07,318 --> 00:04:08,945
"while my genius son finds the link
102
00:04:08,970 --> 00:04:11,247
between a human genome and a fruit fly."
103
00:04:11,748 --> 00:04:13,702
Oh, did you do that today?
104
00:04:13,727 --> 00:04:16,536
No, I couldn't because Dad
kept swatting my control group.
105
00:04:17,179 --> 00:04:19,547
We have to do something about this,
106
00:04:19,572 --> 00:04:21,294
or else Mom and Dad are gonna crack
107
00:04:21,319 --> 00:04:23,177
and take us down with them.
108
00:04:23,833 --> 00:04:26,302
Could you walk any louder?!
109
00:04:26,327 --> 00:04:28,692
We get it, you're in the house!
110
00:04:29,367 --> 00:04:32,536
Hey, you married these feet!
111
00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:38,427
They're coming!
112
00:04:41,436 --> 00:04:43,988
Good morning, contestants.
113
00:04:44,013 --> 00:04:46,927
Welcome to We Love Our Parents,
114
00:04:46,952 --> 00:04:50,337
the game show where you get
rewarded just for having us.
115
00:04:50,362 --> 00:04:52,130
I'm your host...
116
00:04:52,155 --> 00:04:53,661
I thought we said I'm the host.
117
00:04:53,686 --> 00:04:56,224
We did until you choked in rehearsal.
118
00:04:58,180 --> 00:04:59,606
What is happening?
119
00:04:59,631 --> 00:05:01,589
Congratulations, Mom and Dad.
120
00:05:01,614 --> 00:05:03,239
You're already winners.
121
00:05:03,264 --> 00:05:07,138
All you have to do is take
what's behind door number one!
122
00:05:08,779 --> 00:05:10,433
That's not how game shows work.
123
00:05:10,458 --> 00:05:13,558
There should be questions...
or at least another door.
124
00:05:14,097 --> 00:05:16,981
Uh, fine. Okay, there's a second door.
125
00:05:17,006 --> 00:05:18,082
Well, where is it?
126
00:05:18,107 --> 00:05:19,590
I don't see one.
127
00:05:19,615 --> 00:05:21,996
I don't know, it's-it's a mystery door.
128
00:05:22,021 --> 00:05:23,850
Oh, that sounds good,
we'll take that one.
129
00:05:23,875 --> 00:05:26,066
No, j-j-just take door number one.
130
00:05:26,091 --> 00:05:28,069
Mystery door, final answer.
131
00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:30,715
No whammies, no whammies,
no whammies. Stop!
132
00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:32,677
Mystery door!
133
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:35,465
Mystery door! Mystery door!
Mystery door!
134
00:05:35,490 --> 00:05:36,652
- Mystery door!
- Game's over!
135
00:05:36,677 --> 00:05:38,808
Leila, just open the door.
136
00:05:39,927 --> 00:05:41,376
Pack your bags!
137
00:05:41,401 --> 00:05:42,840
Something else!
138
00:05:42,865 --> 00:05:44,543
I can't remember!
139
00:05:45,632 --> 00:05:47,098
What exactly is all this
140
00:05:47,123 --> 00:05:49,420
and why is Leila dressed like a bellhop?
141
00:05:49,445 --> 00:05:51,316
We got you a night away.
142
00:05:51,341 --> 00:05:53,754
Nicole hacked the computer
system at your casino
143
00:05:53,779 --> 00:05:55,199
and we booked you a free suite.
144
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,019
Sorry, you-you hacked Mom's casino?
145
00:05:57,044 --> 00:05:58,355
How could you do that...
146
00:05:58,380 --> 00:06:00,043
and not choose somewhere better?
147
00:06:01,323 --> 00:06:03,613
You both have seemed a
little frazzled lately,
148
00:06:03,638 --> 00:06:06,022
so we thought some time
away would be good for you.
149
00:06:06,047 --> 00:06:08,652
I admit we have been a little on edge,
150
00:06:08,677 --> 00:06:11,098
but we are not leaving
you on your own overnight.
151
00:06:11,123 --> 00:06:12,493
This is insulting.
152
00:06:12,518 --> 00:06:13,754
We are not children.
153
00:06:13,778 --> 00:06:16,590
We are gifted preadults.
154
00:06:16,715 --> 00:06:19,387
We are more than capable
of being on our own.
155
00:06:19,412 --> 00:06:21,699
If I'm not qualified to watch some kids,
156
00:06:21,724 --> 00:06:23,536
then how come the girls
at school keep telling me
157
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,668
I give off "serious dad vibes"?
158
00:06:27,890 --> 00:06:31,066
If you won't do it for you,
do it for us, okay?
159
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,425
You're our black mold.
160
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:37,137
But it's illegal to exterminate you,
161
00:06:37,162 --> 00:06:39,730
so just take the damn suite.
162
00:06:41,630 --> 00:06:43,926
I mean, I guess we could use it.
163
00:06:43,951 --> 00:06:45,605
This could be good for us.
164
00:06:45,630 --> 00:06:47,379
We can recharge.
165
00:06:47,404 --> 00:06:48,699
Okay. All right, guys.
166
00:06:48,724 --> 00:06:51,268
We will accept your prize.
167
00:06:51,293 --> 00:06:53,260
Thank you. Just...
168
00:06:53,285 --> 00:06:54,410
So we know, though,
169
00:06:54,435 --> 00:06:57,387
um, what would have been
behind the mystery door?
170
00:06:58,322 --> 00:07:00,965
A washcloth soaked in chloroform.
171
00:07:03,334 --> 00:07:06,605
You were waking up in that
hotel room one way or another.
172
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:12,363
So, we're headed out.
173
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:14,081
You all set with
the babysitter instructions?
174
00:07:14,105 --> 00:07:16,012
Yeah, but how old are these?
175
00:07:16,037 --> 00:07:18,683
"Brian likes to fall
asleep to Clay Aiken songs.
176
00:07:18,708 --> 00:07:21,037
And Nicole likes to
sleep to Ruben Studdard."
177
00:07:21,062 --> 00:07:22,822
Uh, oh, right,
178
00:07:22,847 --> 00:07:24,840
we haven't had a babysitter in ten years
179
00:07:24,865 --> 00:07:26,590
because they're all scared of you.
180
00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:28,965
Okay, updated rules.
181
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:31,405
Uh, for Leila, in bed by 9:00, no candy.
182
00:07:31,430 --> 00:07:33,199
And for Marc,
I don't know... if he opens
183
00:07:33,224 --> 00:07:35,278
a book covered in spiderwebs
and starts reading backwards,
184
00:07:35,302 --> 00:07:36,457
burn him.
185
00:07:36,885 --> 00:07:38,143
W-W-Wait.
186
00:07:38,168 --> 00:07:40,004
Why are these directed at Brian?
187
00:07:40,029 --> 00:07:42,105
Brian is the oldest, he's in charge.
188
00:07:42,130 --> 00:07:43,751
Brian, watch out for coups.
189
00:07:43,776 --> 00:07:45,574
Nicole, no coups.
190
00:07:46,292 --> 00:07:48,514
All right, uh, well,
if we come back tomorrow
191
00:07:48,539 --> 00:07:50,433
and there's no caution
tape around the house,
192
00:07:50,458 --> 00:07:52,442
maybe we'll trust you enough
to do this again.
193
00:07:53,652 --> 00:07:56,480
You know who's really in charge.
You got this, right?
194
00:07:56,505 --> 00:07:59,144
I'll just pee somewhere weird.
That should keep them busy.
195
00:07:59,741 --> 00:08:01,217
That's my girl.
196
00:08:01,535 --> 00:08:04,031
- Bye, guys.
- Bye! See you later.
197
00:08:04,832 --> 00:08:06,222
Resign with dignity
198
00:08:06,247 --> 00:08:09,121
or your search history becomes
next year's Christmas card.
199
00:08:09,940 --> 00:08:12,418
I look forward to serving you.
200
00:08:16,902 --> 00:08:19,637
Whoa, nice.
201
00:08:19,662 --> 00:08:22,098
This is one of our remodeled rooms.
202
00:08:22,123 --> 00:08:24,543
All this stuff is brand-new...
203
00:08:24,568 --> 00:08:26,551
which means something
terrible happened here.
204
00:08:27,496 --> 00:08:29,364
Well, worked out for us.
205
00:08:29,389 --> 00:08:30,672
This place is awesome.
206
00:08:30,697 --> 00:08:32,175
I don't know what to steal first.
207
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,902
Nothing. Everything has ink tags.
208
00:08:34,927 --> 00:08:36,545
Remember when Rita's hair was blue?
209
00:08:36,570 --> 00:08:37,690
That wasn't a statement.
210
00:08:37,715 --> 00:08:39,426
She tried to walk out with an umbrella.
211
00:08:39,972 --> 00:08:43,598
You know, the kids were right,
this is exactly what we needed.
212
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:45,980
No stress, no responsibility.
213
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:48,266
- It's like a basement in the sky.
- Yeah.
214
00:08:48,290 --> 00:08:50,449
Yeah, I feel more relaxed already.
215
00:08:50,474 --> 00:08:52,105
I can't even hear your feet up here.
216
00:08:52,130 --> 00:08:53,168
I know!
217
00:08:53,193 --> 00:08:55,002
And your voice totally isn't...
218
00:08:55,027 --> 00:08:57,496
And I brought something
that's gonna make
219
00:08:57,521 --> 00:09:00,356
tonight even better...
220
00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:03,455
Bubble bath, because
I thought it was champagne.
221
00:09:04,221 --> 00:09:07,900
And... botched celebrity lipo stories
222
00:09:07,925 --> 00:09:09,378
for you to read after I pass out.
223
00:09:09,403 --> 00:09:12,010
Aw. You know me.
224
00:09:12,035 --> 00:09:14,560
Tonight has to last us three weeks,
225
00:09:14,585 --> 00:09:16,166
so we have to make the most of it.
226
00:09:16,191 --> 00:09:18,028
Well, I know of a good place to start.
227
00:09:18,053 --> 00:09:19,053
Mm.
228
00:09:20,704 --> 00:09:22,924
- Mm.
- Damn it!
229
00:09:22,949 --> 00:09:24,927
I left my purse in the kitchen.
230
00:09:24,952 --> 00:09:26,705
Oh...
231
00:09:26,730 --> 00:09:28,244
Role-play.
232
00:09:29,573 --> 00:09:31,330
Well, you are in luck
233
00:09:31,355 --> 00:09:33,971
'cause I'm a traveling purse salesman.
234
00:09:35,413 --> 00:09:36,979
- No.
- Oh.
235
00:09:37,004 --> 00:09:38,699
I really left my purse in the kitchen
236
00:09:38,724 --> 00:09:40,651
and it has my birth control in it.
237
00:09:40,676 --> 00:09:42,706
- I-I should go and get it, right?
- No, don't go home.
238
00:09:42,730 --> 00:09:44,541
That's where the bad stuff is.
239
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:47,824
The kids will see you and
suck you into their nonsense.
240
00:09:47,849 --> 00:09:49,494
- You're right.
- Mm.
241
00:09:50,534 --> 00:09:51,853
- We'll just use a condom.
- You know what,
242
00:09:51,877 --> 00:09:53,386
I'll just run home real fast
and get your purse.
243
00:09:53,410 --> 00:09:54,410
Wait, Mike!
244
00:09:54,435 --> 00:09:55,917
What about getting
sucked in by the kids?
245
00:09:55,941 --> 00:09:57,800
Won't happen. I'm very
motivated to get back here.
246
00:09:57,824 --> 00:09:58,824
Okay, just...
247
00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:00,594
be careful leaving the casino.
248
00:10:00,619 --> 00:10:02,465
I don't want someone to
see you and know I'm here
249
00:10:02,489 --> 00:10:04,050
or I'm gonna get dragged
into some work thing.
250
00:10:04,074 --> 00:10:06,915
Don't worry, please.
I am great at sneaking.
251
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,190
You don't spend half of high
school alone in your room
252
00:10:09,215 --> 00:10:11,854
pretending to be a ninja and
not pick up a few things.
253
00:10:13,565 --> 00:10:15,760
- Maybe you should just...
- Yeah, I'm going.
254
00:10:19,698 --> 00:10:21,009
- Mike?
- What?
255
00:10:21,034 --> 00:10:22,808
Oh, Rita! Hey!
256
00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:25,338
I didn't see you there. How are you?
257
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:27,151
Well, Mike, my dream
was to sing on Broadway,
258
00:10:27,176 --> 00:10:29,272
and instead I'm here babysitting
a bunch of lonely drunks,
259
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:30,867
so I'm gonna say medium.
260
00:10:30,892 --> 00:10:31,979
Ah.
261
00:10:32,004 --> 00:10:34,362
- Where's Kay?
- I haven't seen her, so...
262
00:10:34,387 --> 00:10:36,039
Then what are you doing here?
263
00:10:36,064 --> 00:10:37,684
Uh...
264
00:10:37,708 --> 00:10:40,010
Okay, um, you got me.
265
00:10:40,035 --> 00:10:41,815
The truth is...
266
00:10:42,763 --> 00:10:44,528
I'm having an affair.
267
00:10:45,006 --> 00:10:46,612
Sexual affair.
268
00:10:47,008 --> 00:10:49,284
And now I must go do
pleasure on her. Bye.
269
00:10:49,309 --> 00:10:50,504
Mike!
270
00:10:51,269 --> 00:10:53,274
Please, I've seen a prostitute tell you
271
00:10:53,299 --> 00:10:54,869
she just wanted to be friends.
272
00:10:55,134 --> 00:10:59,573
Okay, fine, uh, t-the real truth is, um,
273
00:11:00,639 --> 00:11:02,315
I'm a gambling addict.
274
00:11:02,705 --> 00:11:03,705
Yep.
275
00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:05,544
- I got it bad.
- Hmm.
276
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,696
Hundred on 22 black.
277
00:11:07,721 --> 00:11:09,291
16 red.
278
00:11:10,599 --> 00:11:12,557
Oh... That's the stuff.
279
00:11:13,386 --> 00:11:15,573
Well, guess I can go now. Bye, Rita.
280
00:11:15,598 --> 00:11:17,994
And 22 black.
281
00:11:21,879 --> 00:11:25,346
Well, the house is clean,
kids are bathed and in bed.
282
00:11:25,371 --> 00:11:27,308
The fact that Mom and Dad
thought that we couldn't do this
283
00:11:27,332 --> 00:11:28,717
is laughable.
284
00:11:28,742 --> 00:11:31,001
Parenting is so easy.
285
00:11:31,260 --> 00:11:32,626
I have to hand it to you.
286
00:11:32,651 --> 00:11:34,574
Training Marc and Leila to get drowsy
287
00:11:34,598 --> 00:11:38,237
whenever you ring that bell was
a stroke of Pavlovian genius.
288
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:41,315
Thank you. And while
we're giving out compliments,
289
00:11:41,340 --> 00:11:43,940
I was impressed by the
way you handled mealtime.
290
00:11:43,965 --> 00:11:46,920
I'd say my nutrition
bricks are a home run.
291
00:11:47,262 --> 00:11:48,596
But that's a sports reference,
292
00:11:48,621 --> 00:11:51,113
so I'm not sure if I'm using it right.
293
00:11:52,192 --> 00:11:54,117
Imagine how much better off we would be
294
00:11:54,142 --> 00:11:55,738
if we had us as parents.
295
00:11:55,763 --> 00:11:58,043
It would've been an
honor to call you mother.
296
00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:02,168
Okay, this conversation's
gone on one sentence too long.
297
00:12:02,793 --> 00:12:05,105
Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go upstairs
298
00:12:05,129 --> 00:12:07,159
and practice beating some polygraphs.
299
00:12:07,184 --> 00:12:10,351
I am a golden god!
300
00:12:10,376 --> 00:12:12,301
What is happening?
You said you put her to bed.
301
00:12:12,326 --> 00:12:14,855
I did. I even told her
when the lights go out,
302
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,012
the floor turns to lava.
303
00:12:16,037 --> 00:12:19,887
I can run on lava!
304
00:12:19,912 --> 00:12:21,981
Wait a second,
what did you put in these?
305
00:12:22,006 --> 00:12:24,637
Uh, egg whites for texture,
kola nuts for heart health,
306
00:12:24,662 --> 00:12:27,292
a hint of gravy for that
little je ne sais quoi.
307
00:12:27,317 --> 00:12:30,832
You used kola nuts? Those have caffeine.
308
00:12:33,574 --> 00:12:35,657
Great, now Marc's up!
309
00:12:36,082 --> 00:12:37,803
You can't catch me!
310
00:12:37,828 --> 00:12:39,246
Leila, go-go to bed!
311
00:12:39,271 --> 00:12:40,481
Yes, I can.
312
00:12:41,809 --> 00:12:43,988
Marc, stop scoring my chase!
313
00:12:49,332 --> 00:12:50,557
That was fast.
314
00:12:50,582 --> 00:12:52,645
- Did you...
- I knew it.
315
00:12:53,395 --> 00:12:56,824
It's not me. It's Alicia Silverstone.
316
00:12:57,421 --> 00:12:59,377
Cut the crap. I saw Mike downstairs.
317
00:12:59,402 --> 00:13:01,994
Ugh, sorry, I should've told you.
318
00:13:02,019 --> 00:13:03,855
We just really needed a night away
319
00:13:03,879 --> 00:13:05,927
and I didn't want to get
dragged into any work stuff.
320
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,832
I would never do that to you. Kay.
321
00:13:08,857 --> 00:13:10,503
You know what? I'm offended.
322
00:13:10,528 --> 00:13:12,506
And the only way for
you to make it up to me
323
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:14,489
is for you to help me with this
one little quick work thing.
324
00:13:14,513 --> 00:13:17,262
- Oh, come on.
- Look, the bosses are mad.
325
00:13:17,287 --> 00:13:20,513
There's this guy at my table,
he's on this huge hot streak.
326
00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:22,449
They need somebody to
come in and cool him off.
327
00:13:22,474 --> 00:13:23,942
So why are you coming to me?
328
00:13:23,967 --> 00:13:25,668
Well, you know you're a cooler, right?
329
00:13:25,693 --> 00:13:27,613
'Cause you got those bad luck vibes.
330
00:13:27,988 --> 00:13:31,262
That is ridiculous.
I don't have bad luck vibes.
331
00:13:31,287 --> 00:13:33,122
Maybe you are Alicia Silverstone,
332
00:13:33,147 --> 00:13:35,067
'cause I am looking at a Clueless bitch.
333
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:40,441
Trust me, I'm always right
about these kind of things.
334
00:13:40,466 --> 00:13:42,966
Just like I'm right about Clem,
the janitor?
335
00:13:42,991 --> 00:13:45,793
Clem is not an Undercover Boss.
336
00:13:45,818 --> 00:13:49,996
Hand to God, he is a CEO in a fake nose.
337
00:13:50,021 --> 00:13:52,419
- All right. Thanks for stopping by.
- Okay. All right, all right,
338
00:13:52,443 --> 00:13:53,513
- all right, all right.
- Yeah.
339
00:13:53,537 --> 00:13:55,809
Just come downstairs for five minutes,
340
00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:58,292
tell a few of your sad stories,
cool this guy down
341
00:13:58,317 --> 00:14:00,317
and you can come right back up here
342
00:14:00,342 --> 00:14:02,543
to the Honeymoon Murder Suite.
343
00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:07,160
Fine, I will give you five
minutes of my bad luck vibes.
344
00:14:09,246 --> 00:14:11,207
Whoa, Kay.
345
00:14:11,232 --> 00:14:14,051
Don't blow all your bad luck up here.
346
00:14:14,876 --> 00:14:16,356
Let's just go.
347
00:14:16,381 --> 00:14:18,395
I'll get Clem to clean it up.
348
00:14:18,420 --> 00:14:20,856
He's just a regular janitor after all!
349
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:23,683
Who are you talking to?
350
00:14:23,708 --> 00:14:25,410
The cameras are getting all of this.
351
00:14:26,309 --> 00:14:28,793
I'm so sorry about the room mix-up.
352
00:14:28,818 --> 00:14:31,119
There was an issue with our computers.
353
00:14:31,144 --> 00:14:33,293
Your correct suite is ready.
354
00:14:37,645 --> 00:14:39,637
Don't be scared, Leila.
355
00:14:39,662 --> 00:14:42,043
We're just gonna
wrap you up like a burrito.
356
00:14:44,005 --> 00:14:45,005
Catch her!
357
00:14:45,030 --> 00:14:46,266
You know the only thing I've ever caught
358
00:14:46,290 --> 00:14:47,805
is viral meningitis.
359
00:14:48,817 --> 00:14:51,817
Why don't you just put a stop
to whatever Marc is doing?
360
00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,020
Who is that?
361
00:14:56,045 --> 00:14:57,520
Uh, occupied!
362
00:14:57,545 --> 00:14:59,293
That always scares me off.
363
00:15:00,054 --> 00:15:02,457
No, I called in reinforcements.
364
00:15:04,158 --> 00:15:05,231
Hey, guys.
365
00:15:05,256 --> 00:15:07,112
Sorry, I would've been here sooner but,
366
00:15:07,137 --> 00:15:08,757
your neighbors saw me
come to the back door
367
00:15:08,781 --> 00:15:10,482
and they called the cops.
368
00:15:10,964 --> 00:15:12,381
We had a little talk,
369
00:15:12,530 --> 00:15:14,217
everybody learned a little something.
370
00:15:15,147 --> 00:15:17,602
The children are out of
control because someone
371
00:15:17,627 --> 00:15:20,678
gave them 600 milligrams
of caffeine before bed.
372
00:15:20,703 --> 00:15:22,061
Okay, don't pin this on me.
373
00:15:22,086 --> 00:15:23,843
You're the one who tried to
calm them down by turning on
374
00:15:23,867 --> 00:15:27,131
a Dateline special about
the Tristate Toddler Thief.
375
00:15:27,156 --> 00:15:31,108
Yeah... Keith Morrison's
voice is universally soothing!
376
00:15:31,133 --> 00:15:35,210
I'm gonna live forever!
377
00:15:35,623 --> 00:15:37,873
Why didn't you guys
just call your parents?
378
00:15:37,898 --> 00:15:39,095
Because if they know about this,
379
00:15:39,119 --> 00:15:40,731
they'll never trust us alone again.
380
00:15:40,756 --> 00:15:42,577
We're all flash and no action.
381
00:15:42,602 --> 00:15:45,320
We're Elizabeth Holmes,
and not in the way that we admire.
382
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,271
All right, I'll help.
383
00:15:47,296 --> 00:15:50,098
But maybe later down the road,
there's a new planet
384
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:53,075
or robot or eczema cream,
385
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,412
name it after me. All right?
386
00:15:55,717 --> 00:15:57,686
Hey, kids, listen up!
387
00:15:57,711 --> 00:15:59,780
Butts in bed now!
388
00:16:01,773 --> 00:16:03,209
Dad voice.
389
00:16:03,234 --> 00:16:05,554
You get it the third time
you step barefoot on a Lego.
390
00:16:06,778 --> 00:16:09,170
I don't hear no eyes closing!
391
00:16:10,613 --> 00:16:12,851
Now I'm going to get some rest, too.
392
00:16:12,876 --> 00:16:16,246
- Alexa, turn off the lights.
- We don't have an Alexa.
393
00:16:16,271 --> 00:16:19,457
Oh, right. Brian, turn off the lights.
394
00:16:28,890 --> 00:16:31,278
See? I don't walk loud.
395
00:16:32,771 --> 00:16:34,176
What was that?
396
00:16:38,223 --> 00:16:39,543
The chair's knocked over.
397
00:16:39,568 --> 00:16:41,045
Why is the door open?
398
00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:44,207
The Tristate Toddler Thief
was last seen in Philadelphia.
399
00:16:46,118 --> 00:16:47,934
Irwin!
400
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:50,059
What? What? What?
401
00:16:50,322 --> 00:16:52,004
Someone was in the house.
402
00:16:52,029 --> 00:16:54,530
Calm down. Where's your baseball bat?
403
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:57,434
- I-I don't follow.
- Metal sports wand.
404
00:16:57,459 --> 00:16:58,500
Basement.
405
00:17:01,558 --> 00:17:03,222
Ow!
406
00:17:04,543 --> 00:17:06,980
The black mold ate through the stairs!
407
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,862
What is going on?
408
00:17:08,887 --> 00:17:10,762
We got to go, now!
409
00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:12,574
What about Irwin?
410
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,840
Forget Irwin. He's already dead.
411
00:17:16,505 --> 00:17:19,144
Oh, God, I think I just ate a spider.
412
00:17:20,277 --> 00:17:21,957
So I'm on the date with him and I say,
413
00:17:21,982 --> 00:17:24,116
"Jeff, an online bookstore?
414
00:17:24,141 --> 00:17:25,667
"With ideas like that,
you should quit business
415
00:17:25,691 --> 00:17:27,449
and live in the Amazon."
416
00:17:28,412 --> 00:17:31,246
Now I guess he's super rich
or something, I don't know.
417
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,488
Blackjack. Again.
418
00:17:34,798 --> 00:17:37,574
Okay, I am putting out
all the bad vibes I can.
419
00:17:37,599 --> 00:17:38,845
It is not working.
420
00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:40,629
I'm going back upstairs.
421
00:17:40,654 --> 00:17:43,414
Wait, you can't leave yet.
Y-You're my good luck charm.
422
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,504
Come on, uh, I'll cut you in.
423
00:17:47,058 --> 00:17:49,543
Okay. A few more hands.
424
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:50,951
But we got to be careful.
425
00:17:50,976 --> 00:17:52,060
You win more than ten grand here,
426
00:17:52,084 --> 00:17:53,709
they frame you for cheating.
427
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:16,057
Guess who's not wearing a condom.
428
00:18:19,373 --> 00:18:21,230
- Whoa!
- Excuse me?
429
00:18:21,255 --> 00:18:23,339
Oh, my God... I'm sorr... Sorry.
430
00:18:23,364 --> 00:18:25,387
Sorry. Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.
431
00:18:25,412 --> 00:18:27,230
Okay. Bye.
432
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,301
Forgot my purse.
433
00:18:34,609 --> 00:18:38,340
Ooh, 22. Bust.
434
00:18:39,696 --> 00:18:42,025
Well, streak over.
435
00:18:42,230 --> 00:18:44,441
There you go, as promised.
436
00:18:44,466 --> 00:18:47,921
Ten bucks? You won, like, eight grand.
437
00:18:48,613 --> 00:18:50,871
I let him smell my hair for good luck.
438
00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:54,535
See what I mean? Bad luck vibes.
439
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,730
I promise you,
I did not know that old lady
440
00:18:56,755 --> 00:18:58,871
wasn't my wife until I
crawled into bed with her.
441
00:19:00,043 --> 00:19:01,343
Wait.
442
00:19:01,684 --> 00:19:03,332
- He's with me.
- Oh.
443
00:19:03,597 --> 00:19:06,613
Why don't you give me him,
and I'll give you this?
444
00:19:07,201 --> 00:19:08,489
Yeah, okay.
445
00:19:09,543 --> 00:19:10,644
What happened?
446
00:19:10,669 --> 00:19:12,277
The casino must've fixed Nicole's hack
447
00:19:12,302 --> 00:19:13,777
because they gave our room away.
448
00:19:13,802 --> 00:19:16,017
Ugh. Figures.
449
00:19:16,042 --> 00:19:17,778
- So, you just want to...
- Give up and go home?
450
00:19:17,802 --> 00:19:20,277
Yeah, that seems like
where the night's taken us.
451
00:19:22,351 --> 00:19:24,526
Yeah, that's right, Clem.
452
00:19:24,551 --> 00:19:26,910
You just keep on cleaning.
453
00:19:27,937 --> 00:19:29,192
I hope you guys are getting this.
454
00:19:29,216 --> 00:19:31,136
This is gonna be a great episode.
455
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:39,598
Okay, just trying to work
up the will to turn the key.
456
00:19:40,853 --> 00:19:42,371
Nope, not there yet.
457
00:19:43,278 --> 00:19:45,668
This is what it's come to.
458
00:19:45,693 --> 00:19:49,277
Hiding in our car in
the casino parking lot.
459
00:19:50,371 --> 00:19:53,002
Actually, it's-it's kind of nice.
460
00:19:53,230 --> 00:19:56,151
- Reminds me of high school.
- Yeah.
461
00:19:56,176 --> 00:19:58,601
Back then, the car was the
only place we had to ourselves.
462
00:19:58,626 --> 00:20:00,413
- Well, that and the tree house.
- Different guy.
463
00:20:00,437 --> 00:20:03,090
The car was the only
place we had to ourselves.
464
00:20:03,950 --> 00:20:05,918
You know, maybe this is all we need.
465
00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:09,363
Not a basement or a-a fancy hotel room,
466
00:20:09,605 --> 00:20:12,522
just a few moments in the day
to remind us we have each other.
467
00:20:12,547 --> 00:20:13,547
Yeah.
468
00:20:14,137 --> 00:20:15,785
I mean, this is
the most relaxed I've felt
469
00:20:15,810 --> 00:20:17,557
since we lost the
basement two months ago.
470
00:20:17,582 --> 00:20:20,275
- That was Tuesday.
- Oh, my God.
471
00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:25,178
Well, it's not a fancy hotel suite
472
00:20:25,494 --> 00:20:27,549
or some other guy's tree house, but...
473
00:20:28,007 --> 00:20:29,732
we do have some time.
474
00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:31,855
Oh...
475
00:20:34,957 --> 00:20:36,557
Let us in!
476
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:38,854
Oh, my...
477
00:20:42,049 --> 00:20:44,307
- What's going on?
- We ate food bricks,
478
00:20:44,332 --> 00:20:47,049
then we killed Irwin and
we found you with our phone
479
00:20:47,074 --> 00:20:48,908
and now it's tomorrow.
480
00:20:50,337 --> 00:20:52,525
Tonight was madness.
481
00:20:52,565 --> 00:20:53,854
We don't know how you do it.
482
00:20:53,879 --> 00:20:56,510
I'm crashing. I need a Brian Brick now.
483
00:20:57,345 --> 00:20:59,557
We saw the Tristate Toddler Thief.
484
00:20:59,582 --> 00:21:02,299
It's me he wants.
We all know how young I look.
485
00:21:03,802 --> 00:21:05,797
- Let's just... Yeah.
- Go home? Yeah.
486
00:21:09,533 --> 00:21:10,650
Hmm.
487
00:21:11,198 --> 00:21:12,798
Why won't the car start?
488
00:21:12,823 --> 00:21:14,166
I don't...
489
00:21:17,395 --> 00:21:18,573
Because it's not our car.
490
00:21:18,598 --> 00:21:20,158
- Let's go.
- Ooh.
491
00:21:20,978 --> 00:21:24,955
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www.addic7ed.com