1
00:00:01,555 --> 00:00:03,350
Final round. Winn takes all.

2
00:00:03,375 --> 00:00:05,952
This isn't fair.
My teammates are Mom and Dad.

3
00:00:06,742 --> 00:00:08,226
You picked us.

4
00:00:09,062 --> 00:00:12,101
Everyone else was taken.
It's like me in-in gym class.

5
00:00:15,555 --> 00:00:18,109
Did you guys order another pizza?

6
00:00:19,482 --> 00:00:21,039
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.

7
00:00:21,064 --> 00:00:22,064
It's gonna be a second.

8
00:00:22,089 --> 00:00:23,567
Just wrapping up a
family game night here.

9
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:25,407
Oh, well, it's good to
know we're paying our sitter

10
00:00:25,431 --> 00:00:27,382
to watch you spend time as a family.

11
00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:30,453
Players ready, and go.

12
00:00:30,478 --> 00:00:31,811
- Polio.
- Mindbox.

13
00:00:31,836 --> 00:00:32,859
- Lantern.
- Mindbox.

14
00:00:32,884 --> 00:00:34,351
- Antwerp.
- Mindbox.

15
00:00:34,376 --> 00:00:36,539
Yes. Perfect round.

16
00:00:36,564 --> 00:00:38,540
I told you they were gonna
be doing something weird

17
00:00:38,564 --> 00:00:40,546
- when we got here.
- Mm-hmm.

18
00:00:40,732 --> 00:00:42,890
It's like a deleted scene from Get Out.

19
00:00:42,915 --> 00:00:44,514
Mm-hmm.

20
00:00:44,539 --> 00:00:46,054
This is Mindbox.

21
00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:48,492
Brian and Nicole invented
it when they were little.

22
00:00:48,517 --> 00:00:50,250
It's actually two games in one:

23
00:00:50,275 --> 00:00:52,875
Mindbox and the drinking
game that Kay and I play

24
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:54,199
to get through Mindbox.

25
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,461
All right, we can do this. Just focus.

26
00:00:56,486 --> 00:00:57,486
- Ready?
- Yeah.

27
00:00:57,511 --> 00:00:58,710
- Actuary.
- Mindbox.

28
00:00:58,735 --> 00:01:00,001
Damn it, Dad!

29
00:01:00,515 --> 00:01:01,671
That's game.

30
00:01:01,696 --> 00:01:03,812
Time to total up the final score.

31
00:01:03,837 --> 00:01:05,648
Hey, this is fun.

32
00:01:05,787 --> 00:01:07,554
Why don't we play this with our kids?

33
00:01:07,579 --> 00:01:09,554
'Cause our kids have friends.

34
00:01:10,135 --> 00:01:12,343
This score is an embarrassment.

35
00:01:12,368 --> 00:01:13,734
I'm a disgrace.

36
00:01:13,759 --> 00:01:15,718
Leila, you can take my room.

37
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:18,410
I deserve to sleep
outside with the dogs.

38
00:01:19,359 --> 00:01:21,882
I want to sleep with the dogs.

39
00:01:23,327 --> 00:01:25,843
Wow. Nicole takes losing
pretty hard, huh?

40
00:01:25,868 --> 00:01:28,351
Actually, that's what she
looks like when she wins,

41
00:01:28,376 --> 00:01:31,867
by 321 points.

42
00:01:32,854 --> 00:01:34,648
Can you bring out some raw meat?

43
00:01:34,673 --> 00:01:36,625
I need to attract stray dogs.

44
00:01:36,650 --> 00:01:38,226
If I'm lucky, I'll get some on me

45
00:01:38,251 --> 00:01:40,618
and they'll rip me apart limb from limb.

46
00:01:43,497 --> 00:01:45,171
This is Get Out.

47
00:01:46,834 --> 00:01:49,312
Half of that face look like
a dude I know.

48
00:01:50,669 --> 00:01:53,656
Tommy. Tommy.

49
00:01:56,726 --> 00:01:58,640
- Nah, that ain't him.
- Okay, thank God.

50
00:02:07,039 --> 00:02:09,453
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

51
00:02:09,842 --> 00:02:11,976
How long do you think
Nicole's gonna be out there?

52
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:13,960
Ah, she talks a big game,

53
00:02:13,985 --> 00:02:17,921
but she'll only be out there,
like, six, seven hours.

54
00:02:18,554 --> 00:02:21,757
Hot tip: You better check
her room for manifestos.

55
00:02:23,107 --> 00:02:24,953
So, if she's like that when she wins,

56
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,477
- what's she like when she loses?
- Hmm.

57
00:02:26,501 --> 00:02:28,033
That's a good question.

58
00:02:28,058 --> 00:02:29,867
I don't remember her
ever losing anything.

59
00:02:29,892 --> 00:02:31,926
No, she even beat our
neighbor Colin for tenor

60
00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:33,328
in the gay men's choir.

61
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:37,007
And she did it singing
"When a Man Loves a Woman."

62
00:02:38,197 --> 00:02:40,492
Wait a minute.
That girl has never lost at anything?

63
00:02:40,517 --> 00:02:42,398
Uh-oh. That's not good.

64
00:02:42,423 --> 00:02:44,351
I think it's time I told you a story.

65
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,390
It's about a man.

66
00:02:47,216 --> 00:02:49,093
A man named Irwin.

67
00:02:50,076 --> 00:02:52,765
I hope he dramatically
tells us what year it was.

68
00:02:52,790 --> 00:02:54,640
It was 1998.

69
00:02:55,330 --> 00:02:58,273
I was the star pitcher for
my high school baseball team.

70
00:02:58,298 --> 00:02:59,731
Never lost a game.

71
00:02:59,756 --> 00:03:02,523
I got a full ride to Texas.
Living the dream.

72
00:03:02,548 --> 00:03:04,148
Then my first collegiate start,

73
00:03:04,173 --> 00:03:07,875
I take the mound,
and on my very first pitch,

74
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:09,960
kaboom! Home run.

75
00:03:10,553 --> 00:03:12,734
Next batter, next pitch,

76
00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:13,958
kaboom!

77
00:03:13,983 --> 00:03:15,082
- Oof.
- No.

78
00:03:15,107 --> 00:03:17,812
I got six more kabooms left, Kay.

79
00:03:18,097 --> 00:03:20,390
Eight straight home runs.

80
00:03:20,415 --> 00:03:22,014
My center fielder left the field

81
00:03:22,039 --> 00:03:24,085
to go get a beer from the stands.

82
00:03:25,140 --> 00:03:27,492
Anyway, I could never
pitch again after that.

83
00:03:27,517 --> 00:03:30,031
- Man, it-it broke me.
- It's true.

84
00:03:30,056 --> 00:03:32,791
He can't even look at a
diamond without freaking out.

85
00:03:32,816 --> 00:03:35,750
Which is pretty damn convenient,
if you ask me.

86
00:03:36,906 --> 00:03:40,320
Look, the problem was I
had never failed before,

87
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,250
so the first time something happened,

88
00:03:42,275 --> 00:03:44,005
I didn't know what to do.

89
00:03:44,030 --> 00:03:45,368
Wait, so you think something like that

90
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:46,789
could happen to Nicole?

91
00:03:46,814 --> 00:03:50,216
'Cause I can't even picture
how she'd react if she lost.

92
00:03:50,241 --> 00:03:52,708
I can. It ends with a coroner

93
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,718
looking at our bodies,
saying, "In all my years,

94
00:03:54,743 --> 00:03:56,664
I've never seen anything like this."

95
00:03:58,029 --> 00:04:00,617
All I know is things
got really dark for me.

96
00:04:00,642 --> 00:04:01,984
I gained 200 pounds.

97
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:04,296
They had to cut me out of my dorm room.

98
00:04:04,757 --> 00:04:06,531
It was a long road back.

99
00:04:06,556 --> 00:04:08,390
But look at me now.

100
00:04:08,596 --> 00:04:10,750
- Check this out.
- That's right, baby. Come on.

101
00:04:10,775 --> 00:04:12,328
Ha, ha. Just throw.

102
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:14,219
- You can do it.
- You can do it, just step into it.

103
00:04:14,243 --> 00:04:17,148
- You got it.
- Nothing bad is gonna happen.

104
00:04:17,173 --> 00:04:18,712
Kaboom!

105
00:04:19,632 --> 00:04:22,812
- Oh, God, it happened again!
- Mike! Oh, Mike!

106
00:04:22,837 --> 00:04:24,781
Why would you do that?!

107
00:04:25,017 --> 00:04:27,656
Now this is gonna be my whole weekend.

108
00:04:30,715 --> 00:04:32,648
Here, sweetie.

109
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,947
Mommy, Brian won't play with me.

110
00:04:34,972 --> 00:04:40,410
I asked him five times and
he said "No, no, no, no,"

111
00:04:40,435 --> 00:04:43,285
and, "Leila, shut the door!
I was just stretching!"

112
00:04:44,731 --> 00:04:46,653
Can you just play with
her for ten minutes?

113
00:04:46,678 --> 00:04:48,278
You know she worships you.

114
00:04:48,303 --> 00:04:49,902
I love Leila. Great kid.

115
00:04:49,927 --> 00:04:52,427
Small hands, good for cleaning pipettes.

116
00:04:53,151 --> 00:04:54,926
But my brain requires stimulation

117
00:04:54,951 --> 00:04:56,129
that she can't provide.

118
00:04:56,154 --> 00:04:57,824
That's why I'm teaching Marc chess.

119
00:04:57,849 --> 00:05:00,817
Now, obviously it'll be years
before he poses a challenge,

120
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:02,621
- but until then...
- Checkmate.

121
00:05:02,646 --> 00:05:05,363
Marc, Marc, Marc.
You only say "checkmate" when you've...

122
00:05:05,590 --> 00:05:08,434
How did you do that?
That-that was only five moves.

123
00:05:08,459 --> 00:05:10,207
Sorry, I'm new to this.

124
00:05:10,232 --> 00:05:12,215
Should I be taking longer to beat you?

125
00:05:13,227 --> 00:05:14,426
New game.

126
00:05:14,451 --> 00:05:16,301
- Go easy on your brother.
- Oh, I will.

127
00:05:16,326 --> 00:05:17,892
I was talking to Marc.

128
00:05:20,532 --> 00:05:22,582
I think we should have more kids.

129
00:05:23,719 --> 00:05:25,719
Come on, you usually love that joke.

130
00:05:26,139 --> 00:05:29,254
Sorry. I'm still thinking
about what Irwin said.

131
00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:31,176
I mean, Nicole's never learned to fail,

132
00:05:31,201 --> 00:05:33,309
so what if the first time she does,
she melts down

133
00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:35,942
and she's not able to be a... uh...

134
00:05:35,967 --> 00:05:38,176
Are you trying not to say "dictator"?

135
00:05:39,278 --> 00:05:41,778
No, I was trying not to say "Voldemort."

136
00:05:43,668 --> 00:05:45,101
But...

137
00:05:45,535 --> 00:05:47,895
I think I know how we can help Nicole.

138
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,059
We got to make her fail.

139
00:05:50,238 --> 00:05:52,895
I'm not sure we ever landed
on a parenting style,

140
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,879
but this feels like the wrong one.

141
00:05:55,175 --> 00:05:58,512
Okay, hear me out.
If she loses at something small now,

142
00:05:58,537 --> 00:06:01,238
while we're here to support her,
it'll help her cope later

143
00:06:01,263 --> 00:06:04,551
when she's at college or when
Batman burns off half her face.

144
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:07,623
So it's sort of like a vaccine.

145
00:06:07,648 --> 00:06:10,879
Exactly. It hurts at first,
but then you're the only kid

146
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,934
in the dirty lake who
doesn't get hepatitis.

147
00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:15,910
But there's a problem.

148
00:06:15,935 --> 00:06:17,371
What can we get Nicole to fail at?

149
00:06:17,396 --> 00:06:18,595
She's good at everything.

150
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:20,449
Oh, come on. Not everything.

151
00:06:20,474 --> 00:06:23,270
She's bad at, um, hiding her disgust

152
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:25,738
to stupid questions or, uh...

153
00:06:25,879 --> 00:06:28,379
- I think I got it.
- I got something better.

154
00:06:28,404 --> 00:06:29,832
Wow.

155
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:33,824
So confident your idea's better
without even hearing mine.

156
00:06:34,173 --> 00:06:37,465
You're right. I'm sorry. What's yours?

157
00:06:37,490 --> 00:06:39,379
I was bluffing. It's terrible.

158
00:06:40,905 --> 00:06:44,006
You want me to sign up for
a casino beauty pageant?

159
00:06:44,245 --> 00:06:46,043
Be honest. I won't be mad.

160
00:06:46,068 --> 00:06:48,668
Are you trying to sell
me to a Saudi prince?

161
00:06:49,272 --> 00:06:51,559
My casino put it together last minute.

162
00:06:51,584 --> 00:06:53,383
It was originally supposed
to be a dog show,

163
00:06:53,408 --> 00:06:55,353
but the Humane Society said
the building didn't meet

164
00:06:55,377 --> 00:06:57,996
the "minimum
requirements for dog safety."

165
00:06:59,053 --> 00:07:00,278
But it's okay for people?

166
00:07:00,303 --> 00:07:02,663
Well, I don't know. There's not
a Humane Society for people.

167
00:07:03,236 --> 00:07:04,236
Oh, heads up.

168
00:07:04,261 --> 00:07:05,906
There still might be
an agility competition.

169
00:07:05,930 --> 00:07:08,106
How good are you at catching
a frisbee with your mouth?

170
00:07:08,805 --> 00:07:10,778
Best in my class.

171
00:07:11,542 --> 00:07:14,142
But I still don't understand
how this benefits me.

172
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:18,145
Well, we thought it would
show a variety of interests

173
00:07:18,170 --> 00:07:19,603
on your college application.

174
00:07:19,628 --> 00:07:21,910
Coding, debate, linguistics, philosophy,

175
00:07:21,935 --> 00:07:24,963
game theory and cryptoeconomics
isn't a variety?

176
00:07:25,553 --> 00:07:27,737
It's pretty good,
but put "pageant winner"

177
00:07:27,762 --> 00:07:30,597
on your application,
they'll know you're hot.

178
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:32,777
And if they're choosing between hot nerd

179
00:07:32,801 --> 00:07:34,893
and maybe-hot nerd,
they'll go hot every time.

180
00:07:34,918 --> 00:07:36,565
They have brochures to think about.

181
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,962
Also, it could help
your political career

182
00:07:39,987 --> 00:07:41,586
- one day.
- Hmm.

183
00:07:41,611 --> 00:07:44,612
Pageant experience does
play well in the heartland.

184
00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:47,740
All right. I'll do it.

185
00:07:47,765 --> 00:07:51,337
You're looking at the next Miss
Teen Exit 38 Off the Parkway.

186
00:07:52,794 --> 00:07:55,259
Oof, I hope this works.

187
00:07:55,284 --> 00:07:57,717
Uh, but if it doesn't,
we can always try your idea.

188
00:07:58,334 --> 00:08:00,301
I don't think we should.

189
00:08:00,751 --> 00:08:02,641
It's dinosaur hunter.

190
00:08:14,533 --> 00:08:17,103
Oof, this is not Nicole's scene.

191
00:08:17,128 --> 00:08:19,279
If this place had a
giant bloodthirsty rabbit

192
00:08:19,304 --> 00:08:20,970
that scored higher than her on the SATs,

193
00:08:20,995 --> 00:08:22,695
it would literally be
her worst nightmare.

194
00:08:24,019 --> 00:08:26,386
All right,
I need all the bitches to line up...

195
00:08:26,689 --> 00:08:29,646
I'm sorry, I signed up for this
when it was still a dog show.

196
00:08:29,939 --> 00:08:31,773
- Rita, you're working this?
- Yeah.

197
00:08:31,798 --> 00:08:35,250
Girl, and there is no budget
for this thing, so I'm the emcee,

198
00:08:35,275 --> 00:08:37,754
I'm security and
apparently animal control

199
00:08:37,789 --> 00:08:39,477
'cause people don't
read their damn e-mails.

200
00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:41,704
Sir, you need to leave!

201
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,978
Your dog is not safe here!

202
00:08:47,557 --> 00:08:49,478
Uh, Mike?

203
00:08:49,922 --> 00:08:52,255
When did Nicole learn how to tap dance?

204
00:08:52,579 --> 00:08:54,579
I think she just learned last night.

205
00:08:56,439 --> 00:08:58,509
How is she so good already?

206
00:08:58,534 --> 00:09:00,603
Did she eat the heart of a tap dancer?

207
00:09:01,379 --> 00:09:03,457
Did we make a mistake?

208
00:09:03,482 --> 00:09:06,431
I mean, she is going
to lose this thing, right?

209
00:09:06,961 --> 00:09:10,097
Today I will be doing
a tap interpretation

210
00:09:10,122 --> 00:09:13,861
of the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858.

211
00:09:14,691 --> 00:09:18,426
She is so screwed. We'll be fine.

212
00:09:23,166 --> 00:09:24,431
That's my daughter.

213
00:09:24,456 --> 00:09:26,322
She's gonna get destroyed.

214
00:09:32,009 --> 00:09:35,093
Rosemary knight take saffron pawn.

215
00:09:35,118 --> 00:09:37,712
No, but that leaves it
open for the damn paprika!

216
00:09:39,243 --> 00:09:40,782
Marc is looking for you.

217
00:09:40,807 --> 00:09:41,852
Are you hiding?

218
00:09:42,352 --> 00:09:43,861
No. I'm a grown man.

219
00:09:43,886 --> 00:09:45,298
I don't hide.

220
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:48,697
- Okay. Marc, he's in...
- He'll find me.

221
00:09:49,653 --> 00:09:51,371
No, I can't lose to Marc again,

222
00:09:51,396 --> 00:09:53,064
but I can't figure out how to beat him.

223
00:09:53,089 --> 00:09:54,833
He's always five steps ahead.

224
00:09:54,858 --> 00:09:56,056
That's it.

225
00:09:56,081 --> 00:09:57,714
I'll throw him down the steps.

226
00:09:58,462 --> 00:10:01,014
Sometimes when I don't
know what crayon to use,

227
00:10:01,039 --> 00:10:02,197
I do something else,

228
00:10:02,222 --> 00:10:04,426
and the right color
just pops into my head.

229
00:10:04,451 --> 00:10:06,314
No. The only way to solve a problem

230
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:09,626
is to obsess over it till
you solve it or go insane.

231
00:10:10,317 --> 00:10:12,064
Yeah, I think you're already there.

232
00:10:13,132 --> 00:10:15,048
It's still your move, old man.

233
00:10:16,522 --> 00:10:18,968
Okay, let's get this over with.

234
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:21,591
He can't play chess because
he has to play with me.

235
00:10:21,801 --> 00:10:23,312
Yes. Th-That's right.

236
00:10:23,337 --> 00:10:24,761
I have to play with Leila.

237
00:10:24,786 --> 00:10:26,290
You know, I'd love to defeat you,

238
00:10:26,315 --> 00:10:29,236
- but I told Leila we'd play...
- Ponies and unicorns.

239
00:10:31,036 --> 00:10:32,936
Ponies and unicorns.

240
00:10:32,971 --> 00:10:35,839
Yep, that's the intellectual
challenge I crave.

241
00:10:36,496 --> 00:10:38,712
- To the stables.
- They live in the clouds.

242
00:10:38,737 --> 00:10:40,009
Let's just go.

243
00:10:43,725 --> 00:10:45,775
Pepper mill takes chili flakes.

244
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:46,986
Checkmate.

245
00:10:51,775 --> 00:10:54,228
Oof, tough first day for Nicole.

246
00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:57,054
My favorite part was when
she called Miss America

247
00:10:57,079 --> 00:10:59,611
"capitalism's fanciest whore."

248
00:11:02,267 --> 00:11:03,267
Yep.

249
00:11:03,939 --> 00:11:05,401
By this time tomorrow,

250
00:11:05,426 --> 00:11:09,015
we will be the proud parents
of a huge loser.

251
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,360
She is gonna be devastated.

252
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:16,673
Did we really just clink
about our daughter being sad?

253
00:11:16,698 --> 00:11:19,086
No. We clinked about our plan working.

254
00:11:19,111 --> 00:11:21,472
- It's what we wanted.
- No, I know but...

255
00:11:22,197 --> 00:11:23,197
now that it's happening,

256
00:11:23,222 --> 00:11:25,459
it kind of feels like
a weird thing to want.

257
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:27,151
I mean, are we really happy

258
00:11:27,176 --> 00:11:29,608
our little girl's gonna
get crushed tomorrow

259
00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:31,333
in front of hundreds of strangers

260
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,662
on a stage unfit for dogs?

261
00:11:34,420 --> 00:11:38,264
Well, I wouldn't say happy,
but it's the vaccine thing.

262
00:11:38,289 --> 00:11:39,545
It's for her own good.

263
00:11:39,570 --> 00:11:42,058
No parent ever wants
to see their child sad,

264
00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:44,928
and now we've gone out of
our way to make it happen.

265
00:11:45,381 --> 00:11:46,825
Maybe we should pull the plug.

266
00:11:46,850 --> 00:11:48,256
The last thing we want to teach Nicole

267
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:49,921
is how to pull the plug,
because that will definitely

268
00:11:49,945 --> 00:11:51,244
come back to haunt us.

269
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:54,037
No, babe, come on.

270
00:11:54,062 --> 00:11:57,130
We have to stay strong on this.
United front.

271
00:11:57,155 --> 00:11:59,722
You're right. You're right.
We got to stay strong.

272
00:11:59,747 --> 00:12:01,914
Yeah. Come on, we got this.

273
00:12:01,939 --> 00:12:04,389
Oh, and, uh, I do want you to know,

274
00:12:04,414 --> 00:12:07,916
if she does pull the plug on me,
do not move on.

275
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,534
It is not what I would have wanted.

276
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:17,278
Sorry, Tinsel, you're a pony,

277
00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,755
so you can't come to the unicorn ball.

278
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,680
Unless Tinsel is ranked grand master

279
00:12:21,705 --> 00:12:24,997
by the U.S. Chess Federation,
could you please keep it down?

280
00:12:25,022 --> 00:12:26,762
You said you'd play with me.

281
00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:28,286
How am I supposed to play a game

282
00:12:28,322 --> 00:12:29,588
with no internal logic?

283
00:12:29,613 --> 00:12:31,246
You've got horses living on clouds,

284
00:12:31,271 --> 00:12:33,572
and glitter is somehow a food,
a currency

285
00:12:33,597 --> 00:12:35,684
and the name of at least three ponies.

286
00:12:35,709 --> 00:12:38,277
Well, the ponies
and unicorns are fighting.

287
00:12:39,343 --> 00:12:42,043
Hmm. Well, that's an
interesting premise.

288
00:12:42,069 --> 00:12:45,470
Tribal warfare between
two rival societies. No.

289
00:12:45,495 --> 00:12:48,335
- But I really don't have the...
- And there's only one who can stop it.

290
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:50,809
Tell me more about this one.

291
00:12:50,844 --> 00:12:53,278
He's a unicorn born with no horn.

292
00:12:53,581 --> 00:12:56,114
Interesting. A zero-corn.

293
00:12:56,139 --> 00:12:58,808
Is he the one the prophecies foretold?

294
00:12:59,347 --> 00:13:00,819
I don't know.

295
00:13:01,347 --> 00:13:03,455
Leila, I shall play your game.

296
00:13:03,490 --> 00:13:04,730
Let's go.

297
00:13:05,057 --> 00:13:07,436
Okay, so what's this zero-corn's name?

298
00:13:07,461 --> 00:13:09,661
- Glitter!
- Of course.

299
00:13:13,901 --> 00:13:15,433
Hey, sweetie.

300
00:13:15,865 --> 00:13:20,082
Oh, that's a... nice gown.

301
00:13:20,107 --> 00:13:22,869
Is Miss Thing-Thing adding
some bling-bling? Nope.

302
00:13:24,768 --> 00:13:26,908
It's not a gown, it's a pantsuit.

303
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:28,885
And I'm actually
removing the rhinestones.

304
00:13:28,910 --> 00:13:31,149
They distract from the boxy cut.

305
00:13:32,210 --> 00:13:36,298
Well, tonight you will
be the box of the ball.

306
00:13:37,196 --> 00:13:38,557
- Hey, Dad.
- Mm.

307
00:13:38,592 --> 00:13:41,234
I just wanted to say thanks
for pushing me to do this.

308
00:13:41,259 --> 00:13:42,627
It got me out of my comfort zone,

309
00:13:42,652 --> 00:13:45,015
and I'm really proud of all
the hard work I put into it.

310
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,343
You haven't put, like,
that much work into it.

311
00:13:48,368 --> 00:13:51,536
Sure I have. I had to
master tap dancing.

312
00:13:51,572 --> 00:13:54,165
That took me almost four hours.

313
00:13:55,574 --> 00:13:57,352
I just hope it's all worth it.

314
00:13:58,024 --> 00:13:59,860
Yeah, me, too.

315
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:04,827
Um, you know, honey,
if I'm being honest,

316
00:14:05,196 --> 00:14:06,718
it's probably not worth it.

317
00:14:06,753 --> 00:14:08,577
I mean, the real victory here

318
00:14:08,602 --> 00:14:11,312
is you getting out of your comfort zone.

319
00:14:11,337 --> 00:14:12,898
You know? So what do you say tonight

320
00:14:12,923 --> 00:14:14,760
we just, we just pull the
plug on this whole thing?

321
00:14:14,784 --> 00:14:16,718
- What?
- Yeah. Come on.

322
00:14:16,743 --> 00:14:19,431
Instead, tonight I'll get
you those tickets you wanted.

323
00:14:19,466 --> 00:14:21,282
We'll go see Kiss.

324
00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:25,469
An Evening of Statecraft
with Henry Kissinger?

325
00:14:27,508 --> 00:14:30,264
Sadly, that is what Kiss
means in this house.

326
00:14:31,245 --> 00:14:33,514
Thanks, Dad, but I'm not going to quit.

327
00:14:34,598 --> 00:14:38,360
Okay, but, um, uh, remember,
whatever happens tonight,

328
00:14:38,385 --> 00:14:41,353
this pageant was
actually your mom's idea.

329
00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:43,341
So just be sure to remember that.

330
00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:45,647
- Seriously?
- Okay, what? Nothing, nothing!

331
00:14:46,293 --> 00:14:48,591
Why would you tell her this was my idea?

332
00:14:48,616 --> 00:14:51,380
Well... it was.

333
00:14:51,405 --> 00:14:53,465
And I am tired of living in a world

334
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:55,632
where men get credit for women's ideas.

335
00:14:56,827 --> 00:14:58,737
What happened to staying strong?

336
00:14:59,136 --> 00:15:00,161
I'm sorry.

337
00:15:00,194 --> 00:15:02,674
I-I started picturing how sad she'll be

338
00:15:02,699 --> 00:15:05,867
when this all blows up,
and I couldn't take it.

339
00:15:06,163 --> 00:15:07,653
What are we gonna do?

340
00:15:07,678 --> 00:15:09,080
Well, she's not gonna quit.

341
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,650
I already tried with AC/DC tickets.

342
00:15:12,158 --> 00:15:13,161
That's probably not...

343
00:15:13,186 --> 00:15:14,798
It's the Atlantic City
Dictionary Convention.

344
00:15:14,822 --> 00:15:15,822
Yeah.

345
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,165
So what's our plan?
We can't just do nothing

346
00:15:18,189 --> 00:15:19,468
and watch her lose.

347
00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,265
There is one other option.

348
00:15:23,054 --> 00:15:25,040
Oh, Rita, it's you.

349
00:15:25,065 --> 00:15:27,865
I thought you were one
of our teen beauties.

350
00:15:27,890 --> 00:15:29,945
Aw... Okay, what do you two want?

351
00:15:30,546 --> 00:15:31,914
We screwed up with Nicole.

352
00:15:31,939 --> 00:15:34,844
We really need her
to win this thing, so...

353
00:15:35,676 --> 00:15:38,101
we would like to do a bribe, please.

354
00:15:38,719 --> 00:15:40,278
And I would really like to help,

355
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,113
but your bribes aren't gonna work here.

356
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,216
We figured. We feel guilty even asking.

357
00:15:45,252 --> 00:15:46,985
'Cause the pageant's already rigged.

358
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:50,279
What?

359
00:15:50,304 --> 00:15:51,756
Are you surprised?

360
00:15:51,792 --> 00:15:56,008
It's a pageant sponsored by
an energy drink for dogs.

361
00:15:56,844 --> 00:15:57,929
Come on, Rita.

362
00:15:57,965 --> 00:16:00,367
Can't we re-bribe you or something?

363
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:02,670
Oh, you could bribe me all day,
but it doesn't matter.

364
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,920
Mariah's dad gave
discounts to all the judges

365
00:16:04,945 --> 00:16:05,967
at his mattress store.

366
00:16:05,992 --> 00:16:08,094
And Mariah needs a win
after she crashed her Tesla

367
00:16:08,119 --> 00:16:09,554
into her horse.

368
00:16:10,508 --> 00:16:14,379
So, uh, all the judges are on the take?

369
00:16:14,820 --> 00:16:16,681
Honey, this is Jersey.

370
00:16:17,164 --> 00:16:18,950
In that case,

371
00:16:18,986 --> 00:16:23,217
this bribe just turned into a blackmail,

372
00:16:23,249 --> 00:16:26,139
'cause I recorded
the whole th... Oh, no.

373
00:16:26,164 --> 00:16:28,765
I pocket-dialed my... Sorry.

374
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:30,562
Hi, Mom.

375
00:16:32,256 --> 00:16:34,693
No, that-that was Rita.
I was trying to do a...

376
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:37,772
- Okay. My mom says hi. Okay.
- Yeah, okay.

377
00:16:44,602 --> 00:16:45,602
All right.

378
00:16:45,627 --> 00:16:47,975
Well, that was two days of something.

379
00:16:49,081 --> 00:16:50,707
Before I announce the winner,

380
00:16:50,732 --> 00:16:52,945
tonight's got me in a singing mood.

381
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:57,032
Hit it! ♪ She's your queen
for the hour ♪

382
00:16:57,057 --> 00:16:59,369
♪ Your princess for the day ♪

383
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:02,528
♪ She's Miss Teen Exit 38 ♪

384
00:17:02,553 --> 00:17:06,021
♪ Off the Garden State Parkway ♪

385
00:17:06,046 --> 00:17:07,671
Thank you!

386
00:17:10,185 --> 00:17:11,185
So?

387
00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:12,873
- How'd it go with the judges?
- We'll see.

388
00:17:12,897 --> 00:17:14,416
There was a line to bribe them.

389
00:17:14,763 --> 00:17:16,903
You're on the hook for
a bath remodel, couple of decks.

390
00:17:16,927 --> 00:17:17,928
- That's no problem.
- And one of them

391
00:17:17,952 --> 00:17:20,192
wants you to go for a jog,
then give them your underwear.

392
00:17:21,219 --> 00:17:23,052
I have to go for a jog?

393
00:17:23,717 --> 00:17:25,995
All right, here we go.

394
00:17:26,271 --> 00:17:27,552
Ladies and gentlemen,

395
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:32,028
your 2020 Miss Teen Exit
38 Off the Parkway is...

396
00:17:32,053 --> 00:17:33,591
Nicole Bennett.

397
00:17:33,616 --> 00:17:35,466
Oh, it's never been so great

398
00:17:35,491 --> 00:17:37,028
- to hear that name.
- I know.

399
00:17:37,053 --> 00:17:40,054
Well, tied for when the folks
at Costco found her alive.

400
00:17:40,079 --> 00:17:41,581
- What?
- What?

401
00:17:41,606 --> 00:17:43,703
The unicorns gave up, Sir Gallops-A-Lot.

402
00:17:43,728 --> 00:17:45,094
Do you think it's a trick?

403
00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:47,019
I say thee neigh!

404
00:17:47,044 --> 00:17:48,410
The ponies have won!

405
00:17:48,888 --> 00:17:50,742
Oh.

406
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:52,888
He's actually playing with her.

407
00:17:52,913 --> 00:17:56,278
Let's never forget the
sacrifice of our fallen ponies.

408
00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:58,767
Sacrifice.

409
00:17:58,792 --> 00:18:00,981
That-That's it.
That's how I'm gonna beat him.

410
00:18:01,006 --> 00:18:03,066
Marc, let's finish this.

411
00:18:03,091 --> 00:18:05,503
Do you want to lose with
the board or the spices?

412
00:18:05,528 --> 00:18:08,198
Everything I need to beat
you with is right in here.

413
00:18:08,223 --> 00:18:09,571
Rook to queen one.

414
00:18:09,596 --> 00:18:10,776
Queen to king seven.

415
00:18:10,801 --> 00:18:12,245
Bishop takes rook. Check.

416
00:18:12,270 --> 00:18:13,369
Knight takes bishop.

417
00:18:13,394 --> 00:18:15,073
Dad takes walk, never comes back.

418
00:18:15,379 --> 00:18:16,912
Queen to queen's knight eight.

419
00:18:16,937 --> 00:18:18,070
Knight takes queen.

420
00:18:18,095 --> 00:18:19,828
Rook to queen eight. Checkmate!

421
00:18:19,853 --> 00:18:21,420
Guys, did you see that?

422
00:18:21,445 --> 00:18:23,722
No. No one saw anything.

423
00:18:25,112 --> 00:18:26,534
Let's keep this streak going.

424
00:18:26,559 --> 00:18:27,658
Another game, Marc?

425
00:18:27,683 --> 00:18:28,791
You're on.

426
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:31,159
I guess it was fun while it lasted.

427
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,222
Actually...

428
00:18:36,972 --> 00:18:38,133
sorry, Marc.

429
00:18:38,158 --> 00:18:41,167
Leila and I have a victory
ball in Fluffera to attend.

430
00:18:41,192 --> 00:18:43,284
Ponies, to the clouds.

431
00:18:45,766 --> 00:18:47,399
Thanks for letting him win.

432
00:18:47,434 --> 00:18:49,434
Seemed like the old guy needed one.

433
00:18:52,973 --> 00:18:54,565
There's our winner.

434
00:18:54,590 --> 00:18:56,386
How does it feel?

435
00:19:03,973 --> 00:19:05,605
Did you want the crown to be bigger?

436
00:19:06,149 --> 00:19:09,517
I didn't want the crown at all,
because I didn't want win.

437
00:19:09,542 --> 00:19:11,831
What? You wanted to lose?

438
00:19:11,856 --> 00:19:14,023
I ran the numbers, and it turns out

439
00:19:14,048 --> 00:19:16,916
losing a beauty pageant actually
helps your political odds.

440
00:19:16,941 --> 00:19:18,745
So now, instead of president,

441
00:19:18,770 --> 00:19:21,310
I'm on the fast track to state senate.

442
00:19:21,335 --> 00:19:23,300
Oh, that's okay, honey.

443
00:19:23,325 --> 00:19:25,542
I mean, you'll bounce back from...

444
00:19:26,054 --> 00:19:28,250
winning this beauty pageant.

445
00:19:28,644 --> 00:19:30,129
Do you understand what's going on here?

446
00:19:30,153 --> 00:19:32,011
I think we got what we wanted.

447
00:19:32,036 --> 00:19:35,271
By winning, she failed at losing.

448
00:19:35,792 --> 00:19:38,433
- So we did it?
- This is terrible.

449
00:19:38,458 --> 00:19:40,057
She feels this way because of us,

450
00:19:40,082 --> 00:19:41,862
and now we're helpless to do anything.

451
00:19:42,371 --> 00:19:44,019
This is terrible.

452
00:19:44,131 --> 00:19:46,300
But we are not helpless.

453
00:19:46,325 --> 00:19:50,128
This is what a lifetime of
failure has trained us for.

454
00:19:51,354 --> 00:19:52,800
Come on.

455
00:19:56,442 --> 00:19:57,741
Don't understand.

456
00:19:57,766 --> 00:19:59,599
I worked so hard at being terrible,

457
00:19:59,624 --> 00:20:01,823
and I was still too good.

458
00:20:02,006 --> 00:20:05,454
Oh, honey,
I know it feels bad right now,

459
00:20:05,479 --> 00:20:07,026
like you've hit rock bottom.

460
00:20:07,051 --> 00:20:11,220
But the thing about rock
bottom is it's kind of great.

461
00:20:11,245 --> 00:20:13,445
It's like a vacation
from your regular life.

462
00:20:13,470 --> 00:20:16,304
Yeah. You get to take
naps that look like comas

463
00:20:16,329 --> 00:20:18,300
and watch reality TV about hot people

464
00:20:18,325 --> 00:20:20,058
doing dumb things for money.

465
00:20:20,323 --> 00:20:23,395
And say goodbye to caring if
there's loose food on your face.

466
00:20:23,420 --> 00:20:25,534
What's that?
I got a little something right there?

467
00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:26,690
Just leave it.

468
00:20:27,076 --> 00:20:30,201
Yeah. Because you've
got better things to do.

469
00:20:30,237 --> 00:20:32,014
Like blaming other people for things

470
00:20:32,039 --> 00:20:34,172
that are clearly your fault.

471
00:20:34,295 --> 00:20:37,085
Yeah. Like stupid Cassie.

472
00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:39,717
You can try and hide your
ankle bracelet all you want.

473
00:20:39,742 --> 00:20:42,476
It doesn't matter if one of the
judges is your parole officer.

474
00:20:42,501 --> 00:20:44,034
See?

475
00:20:44,059 --> 00:20:45,559
You're a natural.

476
00:20:45,584 --> 00:20:47,973
Wow, that really works.

477
00:20:47,998 --> 00:20:49,721
I feel a little better already.

478
00:20:51,095 --> 00:20:53,402
- Cake?
- All right.

479
00:20:53,427 --> 00:20:54,793
Uh-uh.

480
00:20:54,828 --> 00:20:56,428
What are you doing?

481
00:21:00,604 --> 00:21:02,003
Yeah.

482
00:21:02,093 --> 00:21:03,625
There you go.

483
00:21:06,538 --> 00:21:07,834
Salud.

484
00:21:09,772 --> 00:21:10,998
Mmm.

485
00:21:11,655 --> 00:21:13,855
I'm-a go get you some sweatpants.

486
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,060
They're napkins you can wear.

487
00:21:17,974 --> 00:21:21,959
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com