♪
All right, thanks for the ride.
All right.
Well, have a good time at Six Flags, family.
Or you could come in and help.
Hmm.
Rides and treats with a grandpa
who will let us roam the park alone
or clean out a grandma's musty old basement.
What to do?
Fair. Yeah.
What have you done with my sweet little girl?
I want her back. - Come on, let's go.
I should be barfing off the side
of a roller coaster right now.
Why can't Bobbi clean out her own basement?
Because she's still in Italy with her boyfriend, Giancarlo.
With a fancy name like that,
you would never guess he was a plumber.
Well, he's sure snaking somebody's drain.
No. Go.
Oh! That ain't right.
No, it's not. Get outta here.
- ♪ Kenan - ♪ Y-yeah, yeah
- ♪ Da-da-Daddy - ♪ Kenan
♪
♪ Okay
♪
♪ That's me - ♪ Kenan
- ♪ Kenan
♪ Kenan
♪
- Ooh, good to be back home. - Yeah.
Still smell like cake in here.
That's crazy. - Uh-huh.
We here, Mama.
Hi, my babies.
I'm still in the Amalfi Coast.
Look, isn't it beautiful?
Giancarlo and I are just having
a little postcoital espresso.
Postcoital? Ma-- What is she sayin'?
Mama, speak English.
Nah, actually, Mama, don't speak English.
Is there anything in the basement you want to keep?
Oh, I don't want none of that old junk.
Take what you want. Trash the rest.
We'll be sure it's nice and clean by the time
you get back, Ma. - Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
Look, I gotta go.
Giancarlo and I are going to visit the cathedral.
Oh, that's nice.
And then it's back here for more coitus.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, do all the Italian stuff
while you're out there, Ma.
Hey, you know what?
Why don't you go on downstairs
and then google "coitus" on your way down?
All right.
Kenan, you didn't tell your brother
what's going on with the house?
Yeah, no, I will.
But I'm just waiting on the right time.
You know how emotional he gets.
Ugh, coitus means sex.
Why, Mama? Damn!
So don't worry, Mama.
The junk people will be here in a couple of hours,
so at the end of the day, no matter what happens,
the basement'll be empty.
All right? Piece of cake.
Where the hell do we start, man?
Man, I don't know.
Well, why don't we start with your little baby teeth?
Ugh.
These ain't mine.
The tooth fairy took mine,
and I spent that cash already, so...
Yeah.
Ooh.
Oh, man, there is nothing in this freezer
but an old frozen ham and a Tupperware
that says, "Gary's lasagna. Keep out!"
Yo, I forgot all about this!
Don't open that, man. It's old as--
- Mm-hmm. - Now, wait a minute.
That is not the delicious lasagna I grew up on, man,
That is butt-naked ladies.
Yes, the sweet, delicious butt-naked ladies I grew up on.
- Yeah, you did. - You know what I'm sayin'?
Well, you know, a lot of them ladies
is probably grandmamas now. - Ah, most of them dead.
And it's up to me to keep their memory alive,
and I sure will right around lunchtime.
You know what, Gary? I don't know if I've
told you this lately, but you are quite the catch.
Yeah. Speaking of catch.
My old ball sack.
- You are disgusting. - Yes.
But clever.
Oh, and look, the hoop is up.
Let's go. Come on. - You know what time it is.
- Come on, now.
Unh, wassup? - 1997.
- Defense. - Charlotte Hornets.
Muggsy Bogues sky hook. - What?
Oh, dang. - Oh.
Come on, run it back. Run it back.
Yo, Gary. You trying to hoop? - Yeah.
Let's go.
Just let me finish drawing this thugged-out Salem.
I think it's wack that you like "Sabrina" comics.
But those drawings are dope.
Man, I'm gonna read a comic about
someone running around in tights,
it might as well be a fine-as-hell witch.
Now, check ball.
Jordan's got the ball. Can he get past Shaq Fu?
Oh, you gonna get posterized.
Oh, yeah, huh?
You made it. - Hell yeah, I did.
All by myself. I wrecked you.
You were straight trash, and I was the incinerator.
Ain't that right, wack Shaq?
For real? That's how you gonna do me?
- Yup. - Come on, Kenan, let's go.
Is he gonna be on TV?
I don't know. The talent scout lady
from the mall, she wants him to audition
for a movie, so who knows how far he'll get?
All I know is, the kid is ready for his close-up.
The kid should pull his zipper up first.
Oh!
Go get 'em, fam.
Jordan for the win.
- Oh! Whoo! - Oh! Came with a shot!
The Williams brothers legacy, boy.
All started right here in this basement.
Man, I can't wait to show my kids.
Yeah, you know, you and Carrie should probably
go on and have some.
Maybe in the next two weeks.
Sorry, what was that? Two weeks?
- Gary. - Hmm?
Home is a place we all must find, child.
- Oh, my God. - It's not just a place
where you eat or sleep.
Okay, cut out "The Wiz" quotes man.
Just tell me the bad news. What's up?
All right, well, the reason
we need to clean this basement out today is...
because Mama's selling the house.
What?
Why would Mama be trying to sell our home?
Because she's been traveling for the last couple of years
and she wants to spend more time
in Italy with her boyfriend.
You remember, Gian-coitus?
- Why y'all ain't tell me? - Because we knew you would
flip out, much like you're doing now.
You are a very emotional person.
Emotional! Me? Emotional!
Oh, I'd kill you if I didn't love you so much.
God.
You always do this.
- Don't do it. - Do what?
Don't you lock me in this basement again
like when we was kids.
Ain't nobody trying to do that.
I'm grown. I'm a grown-ass man now.
Stop inching toward the steps.
I ain't inching towards nothing.
I'm a grown man. - Stop inching.
I don't gotta do nothing you say.
Gary! Gary!
Ow!
Boy, if I catch you!
Oh, why are you so fast?
Like an emotional baby cheetah.
Yeah, catch your breath, Kenan.
Oh, hush up!
Gary, open the door.
Nah, player.
Look, I should have told you that Mama
was selling the house.
I just wanted to break it to you at the right time.
Stop acting like I can't handle things.
- Gary, open it. - I said no.
I should have told you when I booked the movie
that I'd be gone for six weeks.
I just felt bad. - You should feel bad.
You're breaking up the Williams brothers summer
for that stupid movie.
Nobody's asking for "Black Goonies."
That's just a temporary title.
Come on man, open up.
Please?
All I wanted was to have another
Williams brothers summer.
I'm sorry, but six weeks isn't that long.
Are you kidding?
Jason killed 100 campers in six weeks.
No, he didn't kill the campers.
He killed the counselors
and a couple of no-account drifters.
That still made my point, though.
Look I still got a week before I have to go.
You want to play some football in the living room?
Falcons versus Eagles.
Now, y'all know better. No football in this house.
You heard her.
No football in this house, Kenan.
Okay, I admit it.
You're an adult, and I should treat you like one.
I just wanted Mama to be happy.
I'm sorry.
Thank you. Man, it does not smell great down there.
Look, man, I want Mama to be happy too.
I'm not a monster.
I'm selfish, but I'm not a monster.
I know.
Look, if you want some keepsakes,
you can bring them back to our house.
- Yeah. - All right?
Hey. - Hmm?
We should have one last hurrah up in here,
say goodbye proper-like. - Hell yeah.
Well, what's something we always wanted to do
that Mama wouldn't let us?
Falcons versus Eagles.
Oh, yeah, this is gonna happen.
All right.
Prime Time catches the ball in his own end zone.
Whoo. Whoo!
Come get it, baby.
Got him. - One man to beat!
Here comes the boom!
Ah, Mama!
Ow! Ow!
Oh, dang, Mama was right.
Hey, man, google and see if it's possible
to inside yourself.
- I don't think it is, dog. - I beg to differ.
All right, let's get started, man.
♪ Now, in my younger days, I used to sport a shag ♪
♪ When I went to school, I carried lunch in a bag ♪
♪ With an apple for my teacher 'cause I knew I'd get a kiss ♪
♪ Always got mad when the class was dismissed ♪
♪ But when it was in session, I always had a question ♪
♪ I would raise my hand to make her ♪
♪ Stagger to my desk and
♪ Help me with my problem, it was never much ♪
♪ Just a trick to smell her scent ♪
♪ And still I had to let her pass ♪
Yeah, that's right.
♪ She keeps on passing me by ♪
All right.
Making good progress, man. - Hello!
I'm here to unjunk your bunk.
Oh, okay, come on down.
- Hey, fellas. - Hey.
What's good?
You just gonna howdy walk your ass
up in this house like that? - Easy.
You left your door wide open.
This neighborhood is gentrifying but not that fast.
Thank you. But we are almost done here.
So--I'm sorry. What's your name?
No names. Best to keep it professional,
you know, like how prostitutes don't kiss on the mouth?
- Mm, respect. - No. And ew.
Okay, well, I guess you can take the couch,
the freezer, and everything on this side of the room.
Actually, you could take the couch,
the freezer, and them two things over there.
Well, what about all this junk?
Yeah, Gary, what about all this junk?
Oh, this is not junk.
This is my stuff.
Easy, Gary.
Unjunk Your Bunk lady calls everything junk.
It's company policy.
Yeah, and Kenan wants to know where
you plan on putting all this stuff.
And Gary has decided our house.
Come on, man, you can't bring 30 boxes
of junk into my house.
Hold on. Wait a minute.
You just said it was our house. Now it's your house?
Well, when you're trying to turn it
into a garbage heap, it is, yeah.
Ooh, "garbage" is a very offensive term,
especially when you're talking about somebody's junk.
Thank you.
And for the record, were you a prostitute,
or you just know prostitute facts?
What?
She ain't taking none of my stuff, man.
Why would you think that I would be okay with you
bringing all this stuff to the house?
Where we gonna even put it?
The back of the girls' room
or the back of Rick's room
or the back of the laundry room.
There's plenty of backs of rooms in that big house.
All right, well let's just see what's so important,
you got to displace my babies.
- Not displacing nobody. - What even is this?
What is this? - Be careful with that.
Oh, yeah, you definitely need
300 rap demos that you made in high school.
Actually, I made those in middle school.
I was rappin' at a high school level.
♪ Odysseus stayed fly on his ship ♪
♪ Poseidon was hating hard 'cause he blinded his kid ♪
That was called "Blooded as a Rhyme Scheme."
"The Iliad" was not to be rapped.
I think you know that. - That was groundbreaking, fam.
And what about these old-ass light bulbs?
These are new-ass light bulbs.
Come on, man, they might have been new
15 years ago,
but nobody's even using incandescents anymore.
It's all about the energy-saving LEDs.
Green.
What?
These'll come back, okay, man?
What's old is new again.
You know, like wide-legged pants
or record players or Mayim Bialik.
You definitely don't need no "Sabrina" comic books.
You are a Black man from Atlanta.
Have some self-respect.
Man, I used to love drawing. Hmm.
You know what? Unjunk Your Bunk lady!
You know what, man?
I don't care if you think this is worthless, all right?
This means a lot to me, man.
This is everything I have in the world,
and I'm not throwing it away.
- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not.
In case y'all were wondering,
I brought this from home.
Yeah, I hope so, because no one's been
shopping here for about four months.
Mm.
I'ma stop eating this, 'cause... I'm full.
Oh, that's the reason?
Take this to your truck, please.
Okay, player.
Actually, hey, hey, how about you go ahead,
put that box right back there? - Okay.
- Take the box. - Okay.
Girl, if you don't put that box down.
I see how we playin' this.
- Yeah. - Eugene!
- You can call-- - A little help!
Call Eugene, call Tyrone,
Lil' Romeo, whoever you want to.
Who is this man?
We going "Hoarders" season two today.
You are a big guy.
Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Give it--okay.
Take the box. I don't even want the box.
Damn, I'm scared of you.
What the hell, man?
You said you always had my back.
What are you talking about?
We were sitting on the porch of this very house,
and you said, "Oh, I have your back
no matter what, forever."
You remember that, Kenan? You remember that?
Bro, that does not sound like me.
Oh, wow, real convenient, man.
When something's important to me, you don't remember.
It's not about convenience, man.
I just don't remember.
Dog, you remember all kinds...
Gary. Gary!
Yo, man, I got it.
Yeah, I know you got the part in that stupid movie.
Stop rubbing it in.
I mean I found a way that we can still have
our Williams brothers summer together.
You can come with me. - Yeah, right.
For real. I already talked to Mom about it.
You can help me with my lines and keep me company on the set.
- You did that for me? - Of course, man.
I've got you forever no matter what.
Williams brothers dap?
That's my brother.
Look, Gary, you know I always have your back, man.
And if this stuff means that much to you,
we'll get you a storage unit... or five.
Man, damn, a storage unit?
Why would I pay good money
to have roaches and rats eat all of Gary's sexy lasagna
and fornicate on my mixtapes?
What? Look, man,
you can't leave your stuff at Mama's house,
and you can't bring it to my house.
So if you're not gonna get a storage unit, then...
If I don't want to get a storage unit, then what?
I'm just saying you're all outta options.
Whoo-whee, so much drama.
This is better than a Tracy Letts play.
- Who? - What?
Unjunk Your Bunk lady is cultured.
Not now, junkie!
Look, I'm sorry, Gary.
Y'all keep going, please.
- Hey, baby. - Hey, Mama.
Ooh, you look like Kenan told you about the house.
You gonna be okay with me selling?
Yes, I am, because I'm buying it.
- Oh, Gary. - No, no, no, no,
you want to get your life, and that's cool, Mama.
Meanwhile, me, I'm trying to preserve
this sacred homestead full of childhood memories.
So name your price, Mama. Name your price.
$355,000.
Damn! For this little house that smells like feet, why?
Mommy, please don't sell my house.
Oh, baby, I'm sorry, but I have to.
Honey, Mama wants a seaside villa,
and my man wants a Vespa.
You and Kenan just do whatever you want, man.
Like, y'all never care what I want.
It never matters.
Oh, now, sweetheart, that has never been true.
Oh, no, no, no? Because first of all,
you're selling the only real home that I have
and I just got to deal with it.
And then you're saying there's no place for me
to put my stuff and I'm just supposed to accept it.
Yo, it's very clear what I want never matters.
It's selfish, man.
Gary, let me break this down for you.
You just can't go around demanding that we give you
what you want when you don't have any skin in the game.
- What? - Yeah, you heard me.
I have my thing, Kenan has his thing,
and you've always been just fine going along for the ride.
What? No. What--
That is-- wow.
That is literal insanity you just said.
No, it's true. And you wanted it that way.
Ha-ha!
What are you doing on my pirate ship, Black Goonies?
You can't stop us, mister. This is our time.
Raise the roof, Black Goonies!
Why does is say "Black Goonies" so much?
And every time you have a victory,
do you have to pop-lock?
Sometimes I break-dance.
Kenan, go wash up for dinner.
I need to talk to Gary for a minute.
I'd like to eat your baked chicken
with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Boy, get your butt upstairs.
And I told you not to watch that movie.
So, Gary, I hear you're planning on coming
to North Carolina with Kenan to shoot his movie.
Yeah. He just needs me, poor guy.
But listen, I've seen your drawings,
and I know how much you love those "Sabrina" comics.
So I found an art camp for you that I think you'll like.
What's wrong with me going with Kenan?
Oh, nothing.
I mean, it's just, Kenan loves to perform.
And, baby, I want to help you figure out what you love to do
so you can have your own thing.
Wow, you get to publish your own comic book too?
Yeah, right? So should I sign you up?
But what if I go and it's terrible?
But what if you go and it's wonderful?
Baby, you'll never know what's out there for you
if you don't step away from your brother.
So what do you want to do?
Mm.
I'm good.
Yo, Kenan! Let's work on your lines.
Damn.
Gary?
Baby, you still there?
Yeah. I'm still here.
Baby, all this ranting and raving that you're doing,
it's not about my house or Kenan's house
or where you gonna put your stuff.
It's about you not having something for yourself.
What am I supposed to do, Ma?
How am I supposed to change things now?
Oh, sweetie.
If you want things to be different,
you have to make different choices.
♪
- Now, Janay... - Mm.
You know you my lady,
and you know I care about you.
And if you really care about me,
then you'll take some of Gary's boxes to your house.
Uh, please.
Have you gone crazy? Because this is crazy.
What you talking about? He's family.
Right. So say no, he'll hold a grudge for a few years,
and then he'll forgive you when he needs a kidney.
Come on, baby.
He's having a really hard time
with this house sale business.
I tried some tough love, but I think it broke him.
I do too. He is not in a good place.
Nah.
Hey, Kenan, can I talk to you for a second?
Oh.
Look at them sad eyes.
Okay, how about you two give these guys some space?
I'll wait for you inside. - Thank you.
Hey, so look, man, I'm, like, this close
to figuring out how you can hold on to your
keepsakes and whatnot. - Nah, man, I was tripping.
All that was about me being too comfortable
living in your shadow, man.
You're not in my shadow just because
you live in my house and manage my career
and your only other client is my coworker.
Damn, you literally are--
I'm getting my own place, dog.
- What? - I'm getting my own place.
Gary, you don't have to do that.
Janay is gonna take, like, five boxes,
and when I put that thang on her later,
she gonna take eight.
And as foolproof as that plan is, bro,
nah, man, it's time for me to step out
and make some things happen, you know?
Make a home of my own.
- I hear ya. - And look, don't worry, man.
It's gonna take a few months, and even when I'm gone,
I'll still be back over for most meals and to hang out
because baby steps, fam, you know?
Well, whatever you need, I'll always be here for you.
You know that. - I know.
Man, I've always known that, but I think it's time
I rely on myself for a little while, you know,
see how that goes.
You better get some extra bedrooms
for your light bulbs and nasty magazines.
Nah, man, I'm throwing all that junk out, bro.
Got a laptop anyway. More options.
Black Goonies has never die.
Never, bro.
Wait, did that movie ever get a release date?
No, NAACP shut that down.
Yeah, sounds about right, yeah.
It was bad.
Raise the roof, Black Goonies!