[epic holiday music]
*
- Man, I really love
the Grinch.
I mean, that dog
is definitely in bondage,
but it was a different time
- Hey, y'all can be cool
with that dude if you want to,
but if he try to steal
my Who hash,
I go straight
to the lockbox on him.
Get thing one
and thing two in that ass.
- Daddy, what is uncle Gary
talking about?
- Nothing.
He's just being silly.
He definitely does not have
a firearm in my house.
- No.
- Well... [sighs]
I think it's bedtime.
- Aw. Already?
- Actually, I was talking
about Papa Rick.
I had three real hard eggnogs
- But I do think it's time
for the two of you
to take yourselves
to bed as well.
Tomorrow is family
Christmas Day
- Doesn't Santa get upset
that we open our presents
a day early every year?
- Santa knows that come
Christmas morning,
I have to be in the studio
to do our holiday spectacular,
and he'll bring you presents
for you to find
when you get home.
- Come on, ladies, let's see
how many Christmas stories
I can get through
before I blackout
- Good night.
- I hate Grandma stories.
- You ready?
- You already know, dog.
- * Hey, the kids sleep?
- * Yeah
- * Put their presents
under the tree *
* My baby's name is on it,
with how it is wrapped *
* She'll know it's me
because it is crappy *
* But once you get past that,
you'll be so happy *
* 'Cause I got everything on
your list, ain't miss a lick *
- * It's Christmastime
in the A *
* Yeah, it's late
but we ain't tired *
* Still got to wrap the bikes
with some assembly required *
- * Eating cookies
off the plate *
* Then replace 'em
just for Santa *
* Got 12 reindeer with all
their names on my pajamas *
- * Christmas morning
in the streets on bikes *
* Full of glee
* Standing up while we ride
with our butts off the seat *
- Oh! [bleep]!
Hey, bro. You good?
- No.
- * Been lighting up the A
- * Since we was adolescents
* I'm drinking
and spilling milk *
* On the whole gang
of presents *
- * Cherish
the ones you love *
* Let them know
that they're your favorite *
* Sipping eggnog while I'm
watching "Trading Places"... *
- * Elf on the shelf,
lift you up if you need help *
* Pass the myrrh
- * Deck the halls
- * Merry Christmas
to you all *
* Merry Christmas to you all
* Merry Christmas
from the South *
*
- * Merry Christmas
*
* Merry Christmas
*
[cheers and applause]
- Thank you, family. Thank you.
I appreciate you
all very much
*
- * Merry Christmas
to you all *
- Whoo! Williams brothers
take down another Christmas.
- And Rick.
- Man, all you did was drink.
- Hey, you got your
family traditions, I got mine.
[cell phone vibrates]
- Well, speaking of traditions,
tomorrow I'm going to need you
to stay sober
so you can watch your
granddaughters at the studio,
while Gary and I make
the little children of Atlanta
happy playing Santa
and his trusty elf.
- Oh, hold up, man. I can't do
the elf thing anymore.
- What? What you talking
about man?
You can't miss out
on the Annual Wake Up
with Kenan Holiday Spectacular.
The community is counting
on the Williams brothers.
- I know, man, but I think
I might sign a new client.
- Whoa. That's huge.
- Right?
- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, what new client?
- Oh, this hilarious comedian
I met in LA
when you dragged
your whole family out there
to shoot the reboot
for your old sitcom.
- The train wreck of a reboot.
What a waste of three months.
And whose idea was it to cast
you as Katt Williams' father?
- We took a big swing.
- I'll say.
- Look, Shaunda is only in town
for Christmas Day,
and she chose to spend it
with me
mostly because
she hates her mama.
But still,
Merry Christmas, Gary.
- So what? You just going
to abandon your family?
- Look, come on, man,
this could be the first client
I have that
I haven't taken a bath with.
- There's an image
I didn't need.
- You know what?
Hey, I'm excited for you.
- Thank you.
- But I don't know.
I feel like you might be taking
on a little too much, you know?
Like, you already
bailing on me,
and you haven't even signed
your second client yet.
- You know what?
Okay. All right. You right.
It's not fair to abandon
you like that, man.
I take care of it, all right?
- Uh, just out of curiosity,
how old were y'all
when he took them baths?
- 12 and 10,
but he had a wild imagination.
He used to think that sharks
are gonna come up
through the pipes
and bite them on the pee-pee.
- Another image I didn't need.
- And this year's holiday
spectacular is gonna be
even bigger than last year's.
We're gonna broadcast
for seven hours straight.
We're gonna have activities
and performances
for the community to enjoy
and a huge holiday toy drive
for the kids.
- Oh, I brought something
for the kids.
- Oh.
- Say hello to Pam Chop.
[laughter]
Her mouth
is as dirty as she is.
Hey, kid. You ever wonder
why your [bleep]
is so close to your [bleep]?
[laughter]
- Okay.
Pam, you said that if I took
you off the sports desk,
I could trust you
to host this thing.
- It's not my fault people
want their Pam edgy.
- Come on, Mika,
you just got to believe
that we're gonna kick butt and
have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
- Uh-uh, Santa don't roll
with that many hos.
- Oh, yeah. No, the five hos
is how I make it my own.
Yeah, I believe in the industry
we call it a "penta-ho"
- Don't try me, Santa.
Now, where's Gary?
We finally got the blood
out of his elf costume.
- He'll be here.
But remember, it's your
responsibility to keep him safe
from those
little biters this year.
- Yes, I am aware of my duties
as executive producer,
which is basically
doing everything by myself
while you fools add extra hos
and making nasty socks talk.
- [softly] Mika, I can't speak
for them or myself really.
I am resting my voice
for the musical finale,
but I won't let you down.
- Thank you, Tami.
Song is gonna be great.
Phil, you ready
to stroke those keys?
- Thanks to my Zoom
cooking class,
I won't be stroking anything
for a long time.
- Well, if you need some help--
- Not a word, Pam Chop.
Great. How am I going to find
a keyboard player on Christmas?
- My father-in-law could do it.
I mean, he's already here
watching the girls.
- I thought he played the sax.
- He plays it all--
bongos, congos, anything that
leads to the horizontal mambo.
- I thought I played
a sax once.
Turns out it was a [bleep]
- Pam Chop!
[holiday music]
*
- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
No. Six is too many.
I heard it when I said.
- I liked it.
- Thank you, man. Uh, who this?
- This is Jordan,
your early Christmas present.
- Cool. I mean, does he sing
or make waffles?
'Cause
that would be really cool.
- He's your new assistant.
But, no, I can sing, and I'll
be happy to get you a waffle.
Do you prefer syrup
or whipped cream?
As a matter of fact, I'll just
bring you both--one second.
- So, uh, what's up with dude?
- Look, man,
I heard what you said
about dropping the ball,
and you were so right.
So I fixed the problem.
[chuckles]
- Yeah, but I thought
you was gonna blow off
that other client.
I mean, has Jordan even had
any previous elfing experience?
- You don't need experience
to get bit
by a bunch of damn kids.
Look, whatever you need,
he got you.
- I don't know.
- * I've got waffles
for Kenan *
* Ooh, yeah
* Syrup and whipped cream
* Ooh, yeah, hey
- Brother got waffles
and a perfect pitch.
Y'all have fun.
Ooh, off to my meeting.
- Damn. I guess I don't want
to let this go to waste.
- * Ooh, yeah, tastes good
.
- Okay, no pressure, everyone,
but this performance
could be my ticket
out of this Podunk town.
- What's a Podunk town?
- It's a town where most people
aren't vaccinated.
- Hey, ladies, focus.
Rick, hit it.
- Uh, not yet.
I have this little issue that
I need to bring to the band.
- Okay.
- [clears throat]
I should sing lead.
- Ha!
Excuse me?
I'm an incredible singer.
- Yeah, but I'm a professional.
I'm used to being front
and center,
and you're used to playing
second fiddle
on Kenan's morning show.
No offense.
- Ooh.
- [gasps]
Rick, I sing lead.
That's why we're called
Tami and the "Wake Up"
Christmas Band.
Now, stop being such a diva
and do as I say.
- [chuckles]
There's only one diva
in this room,
and it ain't me
or her, her, them or him.
- I think he's saying it's you.
- I get it, Bruce!
- Welcome to the
"Wake Up with Kenan"
Holiday Spectacular.
We have got hours
of fun in store.
We'll even show you how
to stuff your Christmas goose.
Uh...
So...
A goose is when somebody
pokes you in the tushy.
- Prompter is out.
Oh.
We're all living
in Pam Chop's world now
- You want to hear a limerick?
I love limericks.
There once was an elf
from Nantucket.
Yeah, and then what?
Well, I can't remember
what rhymes with Nantucket.
Hmm.
Oh, I remember.
[stammers]
From the North Pole,
please welcome Santa.
- Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho-ho.
Merry Christmas, Atlanta.
Kenan Claus wants you
to bring an unwrapped toy
down here to Santa's village.
That's right. We've got games.
We've got food, and we've got
a reindeer petting zoo,
which is really just
a bunch of dogs with horns.
We'll see you soon.
All right, thanks.
- That was great work, boss.
- Hey!
Dang, bro, back up, man.
I was about to piece you up.
- Sorry. I just wanted
to let you know
I got you some heating gels
to warm up your hands
and a peppermint mocha
to warm up your belly.
- Look, man, you're trying
too hard, all right?
Let me explain
to you what I'm used to, okay?
You say you're gonna go pick up
my dry cleaning,
and then you show up two days
later wearing the clothes.
- Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
I'll work on that.
Do you have any other
constructive criticism for me?
- Oh, no, all the construction
is done, man.
Appreciate that--
Stop being so smart.
- Okay, dumb it down,
dumb it down--I can do that.
[upbeat holiday music]
- * Christmas
- * The snow is coming down
- * Christmas
- * I am watching it fall
- * Christmas
both: * Lots of people around
- Whoa, extra voice!
- Well, you were just so sharp
that I thought a little bass
would even things out.
- Did someone say bass?
[plays notes]
- When I want bass,
I'll ask for bass, Bruce.
- [plays note]
- And I wasn't sharp.
- Let's ask Trish.
Trish, was Tami sharp?
- Whatever you say, baby.
- Who is Trish?
- She's my muse.
I met her outside
at the candy applecart.
- Welcome, Trish.
- Thanks.
- Don't welcome Trish.
And Trish doesn't get a vote.
- Trish is just as much
a part of this band as anybody.
- Okay, I've had it.
I've had it!
Ha ha!
- Okay, people,
I need a cleanup crew.
Someone done barfed
all over the gingerbread house.
Ooh, careful.
[bell dinging]
That will be a boo-boo for you
and a lot of paperwork for me.
Okay, everybody--
- Thank you.
- Oh.
Do you know you are
the first person
who has thanked me
at work in ten years?
Everyone else thinks I'm here
to solve their problems.
- Mika, I have a problem.
- Me too.
- Here.
Go buy yourself
a bucket of kettle corn.
What y'all got?
- He's impossible.
- [chuckles derisively]
She's a nightmare.
You got to choose--me or Tami.
- Tami.
- Wait a minute, wait.
Don't you want to take a moment
and think about that?
- Nah, Tami works here, and you
live in Kenan's basement.
- It's a converted garage.
- Mm...
- Okay, fine.
You're probably right.
It's just been a long time
since I've got to lead a band,
and I--
[sighs] That was just
the best part of my life.
Maybe I just went
a little overboard
trying to get
that feeling back.
[explosion]
- Mika, the gift van exploded!
- Okay. Excuse me.
I have to go put out
a literal fire.
Here, go buy yourself
a bucket of kettle corn.
I told y'all not
to put fireworks--
- All right, well,
I guess this band is yours.
Merry Christmas
- I mean,
people have been doing
"your mama" jokes for years.
Then you come out
with "your papa" jokes?
[scoffs]
Game changed.
- It's an untapped gold mine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Plus, I hate my mama.
- Yeah.
You said that several times.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, look,
I'm here to manage your career.
And unlike your mama,
I'ma always give you
my undivided attention.
- Okay.
[cell phone vibrating]
- Uh, and I'm still giving you
my undivided attention,
but I do got to take this--
one second.
Kenan, what's up, man?
You good?
- Man. Hell, no!
Your fancy-ass assistant
up and quit on me.
- What? What do you mean
Jordan quit?
He's like the most responsible
person I ever met in my life.
- Yeah, well, he packed up
his delicious little waffles
and bounced.
What's up with that, man?
It is bad enough that Black
Santa has got to work
twice as hard
to get half as far.
I need you here now, bro.
- [sighs] All right.
Okay, I'm on my way, man.
- Thank you.
- Hey, so, uh,
got to go to go take care
of something real quick.
I'm so sorry.
You got this?
.
[indistinct chatter]
- Hi, Santa.
- Hi.
- Hi, Santa.
- Hi.
- Hey, I'm sorry I'm late,
but I'm here.
- Man, you coming in late
is right on time.
So, um, how did it go
with Shaunda.
- Oh, man, that's dead,
but, you know, I'm cool.
Hey, they got the blood
out the suit.
- Nothing too good
for my little Gary Gumdrop.
That's my elf name
for you this year.
Come on, let's do this, man.
- All right, man, one second.
[cell phone vibrating]
What the hell are you
calling me for, Jordan?
You make Gary Gumdrop
look as dumb as hell.
Wait, Kenan did what?
- Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
[kids cheering]
- Oh, don't worry,
I'm just packing up my gear.
I'll be out of your way
in a second.
- [hoarsely] Actually, all that
arguing blew out my voice,
so the band could use
a singer after all.
- Really?
You sure you're not
just throwing me a bone
because of the Christmas spirit
and all?
- Have you met me?
Are you sure you didn't bow out
as a way to sort of say
"sorry things got out of hand"?
- Have you met me?
- Good.
Then neither of us
are apologizing
just 'cause
it's Jesus's birthday
- Deal.
- And it almost hit me.
- Well, I'm so sorry
about the train incident there,
little Timmy, but not to worry.
My elf has got a gift for you.
Ain't that right--Hey!
[crowd gasps]
- Uh...
looks like Garry Gumdrop
has been training
for the Elf-lympics
to probably represent
the powerful country
of Elf-Salvador
or something like that.
- No, I ain't, kid.
Santa's lying because
he is as selfish as hell.
[crowd gasps]
- Hey, what's going on, man?
You lose your scripts
or something?
- Jordan didn't quit.
You fired him.
[crowd oohs]
Ooh is right children.
You made me leave
the most important meeting
in my career for nothing.
- Okay, yes. All right.
I fired him.
But it's only because
none of this would be right
without you.
So can we talk
about this later?
We are on TV right now.
- Mm-mm, no. The reckoning
is happening right now, man,
'cause you always got to be the
big dog with me in your shadow.
- That is not true.
- Then why do you always
get to be Santa,
and I got to be the elf
with some stupid-ass name
and these stupid big old shoes?
You know what? I'm done.
[crowd gasps]
[shouting indistinctly]
- Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
that concludes our Christmas
adaptation of August Wilson's,
" Santa's Black Bottom."
Uh, thank you.
Go on, take a bow there, Timmy.
Thank you very much.
- All right, everybody,
we're back in three minutes..
Back in three minutes,
everyone, for outer six.
Let's get Pam...
- [sighs]
Whew.
Hmm.
- Do you just sneak into
my office all the time
or just on major holidays?
- I am so sorry. I-I just
needed a moment to myself.
- Hey, I get it.
- Yeah.
- I don't know
what to do about Gary.
- Okay.
I am listening.
- I mean, it's not
that I don't want him
to be more successful than me.
I want him to have
other clients.
- Well, if it's not about the
clients, then what's it about?
- Man, I don't know.
It just--
Christmas used to be
such a special day between us.
- Kenan, it's one day.
- Yeah, and if he's busy on
this one day
with his other clients,
then the rest of the days
of the year
ain't gonna stand chance.
- I think your relationship can
survive a little more distance.
I mean, I heard y'all
bathe together, so, like...
- Yeah, when we were babies.
- Oh, we calling 13 a baby now?
- Look, the point is
I'm just not ready
to lose my little Gare bro.
- Well, do you want them
to just be your Gare bro,
or do you want him
to be his own person?
- [sighs]
Sounds like a trick question,
but I know it's not.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I'll let you
think about it.
Is there, uh,
anything else you want
to say to old Mika
for helping you out?
.
[upbeat music]
- Attention, everyone--
our holiday musical finale
will begin shortly
on the main stage.
- Hey.
- What you doing here?
Ain't Santa Claus supposed to
be closing the show
in a few minutes?
- Uh, yes, he is.
So you better get on up there.
I want you to be the big man.
- Please,
you're just doing this
to make yourself feel better.
- Oh! Uh...
no, actually,
I'm doing it for you.
And I told Shaunda
to come down here.
- She's here?
- Well, no.
She actually told me to go
straight to hell, but I tried.
Oh! All right.
You know what?
I'ma just hold on
to this for you.
[clears throat]
Look, man, I'm sorry.
It's just--it's always been
the Williams brothers,
and I don't want that
to change.
- It's not gonna change, man.
I'm not going nowhere.
- You're not hearing me.
You are going places,
and you deserve to be...
and I just got to be cool
with that.
And I am.
- Excuse me, Vixen.
Man, give me the damn suit.
- Yeah! That's my brother.
Come on, man, let's calibrate
how many hos you gonna do
so you can make it your own.
- Well, it has been
a wonderful day.
Thank you everybody
for joining us.
And now for our grand finale.
- Okay, people, listen up.
We have one more song, and then
Christmas is finally over.
- Mika, we need you
on the stage quick.
There's an emergency.
- What?
What are you talking about?
[cheers and applause]
- Hi, everybody.
I just want to introduce y'all
to our executive producer,
Mika Caldwell,
who makes today and every day
around here possible.
And she thinks we don't notice,
but, Mika, we love you.
Thank you so very much
for all you do.
Mika Caldwell!
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, Tami!
Y'all appreciate me. Okay.
- Yes, we do
appreciate you, Mika.
All right, Santa,
you want to light the tree?
- [clears throat]
Merry Christmas everyone.
Ho-ho.
- Two hos, brilliant.
[all gasp,
cheers and applause]
- Okay.
[holiday music playing]
- * Christmas
- * The snow is coming down
- * Christmas
- * I'm watching it fall
- * Christmas
- * Lots of people around
- * Christmas
- * Baby, please come home
- * Christmas
- * The church bells in town
- * Christmas
- * All ringing in song
- * Christmas
- * Full of happy sounds
- * Christmas
- * Baby, please come home
* They're singing
"Deck The Halls" *
* But it's not like
Christmas at all *
* 'Cause I remember
when you were here *
* And all the fun
we had last year *
- * Please
- Take us home, Tami.
* Please, baby, please
come home *
[cheers and applause]
* Baby, please come home
- Yeah, go on, girl!
* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
[cheers and applause]
- Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Oh, thank you.
I'm feeling better.
- Merry Christmas, Pam.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.