1 00:00:09,681 --> 00:00:12,809 But now, instead of a janky-ass sticky magnet, 2 00:00:12,892 --> 00:00:15,019 imagine that this is our spaceship. 3 00:00:15,103 --> 00:00:17,605 Since when can the ship split in half? 4 00:00:17,689 --> 00:00:21,109 Also, why does it split in half? Is it ease of cleaning? 5 00:00:21,192 --> 00:00:23,611 Making it in two parts meant that I could classify Avenue 5 6 00:00:23,695 --> 00:00:24,904 as two half-mile vessels. 7 00:00:24,988 --> 00:00:26,740 Made me a substantial tax saving. 8 00:00:26,823 --> 00:00:28,074 Jesus wept. 9 00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:30,952 No, Jesus beat the shit out of the tax collectors. Look it up. 10 00:00:31,035 --> 00:00:33,413 Or have Iris look it up for you, I guess. 11 00:00:33,496 --> 00:00:35,582 So, if the ship splits, the missile can only hit 12 00:00:35,665 --> 00:00:37,250 -one half, is that right? -(FINGERS SNAP) 13 00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:40,128 No, no, no. No. We're talking about genocide. 14 00:00:40,211 --> 00:00:41,129 Again! 15 00:00:41,212 --> 00:00:43,006 It's not genocide if half of us survive. 16 00:00:43,089 --> 00:00:44,424 All right, semi-cide then. 17 00:00:44,507 --> 00:00:46,092 The missile is a real asshole. 18 00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:47,969 It will go for maximum devastation, 19 00:00:48,052 --> 00:00:50,764 so probably the back half where the engines are. 20 00:00:50,847 --> 00:00:53,641 So, who decides who goes in which half? 21 00:00:53,725 --> 00:00:56,644 (SCOFFS) No. It's not a dictator's job 22 00:00:56,728 --> 00:00:59,314 to decide on a whim who lives or dies. 23 00:01:01,065 --> 00:01:02,650 It absolutely is, isn't it? 24 00:01:02,734 --> 00:01:06,029 ♪ ("AVENUE 5" THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 25 00:01:14,370 --> 00:01:15,580 ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ 26 00:01:15,663 --> 00:01:17,624 MATT SPENCER: Okay, here's how the algorithm works. 27 00:01:17,707 --> 00:01:21,795 So, the AI algorithm delivers a rank for each passenger 28 00:01:21,878 --> 00:01:23,880 based on their perceived value to the ship. 29 00:01:23,963 --> 00:01:26,758 Knock, knock. Hello? Why was I summoned here? 30 00:01:26,841 --> 00:01:28,218 Yeah, and why wasn't I summoned? 31 00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:32,806 -Okay, so take Frank, right? -Hey. That's me. 32 00:01:32,889 --> 00:01:34,682 The algorithm has tracked Frank 33 00:01:34,766 --> 00:01:36,476 from the moment that he stepped on the ship 34 00:01:36,559 --> 00:01:39,187 and laughed at the very idea of the complimentary slippers. 35 00:01:39,270 --> 00:01:41,064 They're basically free shoes. 36 00:01:41,147 --> 00:01:44,484 Okay, so Frank produces two pounds of solid waste, 37 00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:46,027 four pints of urine every day. 38 00:01:46,110 --> 00:01:48,571 He laughs on average twice a week. 39 00:01:48,655 --> 00:01:50,406 Ah, I laugh more than that. 40 00:01:50,490 --> 00:01:52,158 You do a lot of nervous laughter. 41 00:01:52,242 --> 00:01:53,201 (CHUCKLES) Exactly. 42 00:01:53,284 --> 00:01:54,786 MATT: His testosterone levels are normal 43 00:01:54,869 --> 00:01:56,162 for a woman in her seventies. 44 00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:59,791 He has a 51 percent near-fatal embolism. 45 00:01:59,874 --> 00:02:03,127 He has hairless feet, can't taste pears, etcetera, etcetera. Okay. 46 00:02:03,211 --> 00:02:06,381 And Frank's overall ranking is 832. 47 00:02:06,464 --> 00:02:08,299 Thank you, Frank. You can go now. 48 00:02:09,425 --> 00:02:10,885 What was that about an embolism? 49 00:02:10,969 --> 00:02:12,846 KAREN KELLY: Don't stress about the embolism, Frank. 50 00:02:12,929 --> 00:02:14,556 You'll give yourself an embolism. 51 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:17,392 Every single J on this ship is embedded with a camera. 52 00:02:17,475 --> 00:02:19,602 It tracks, through our actions and demeanor, 53 00:02:19,686 --> 00:02:21,563 our positive contributions to the ship. 54 00:02:21,646 --> 00:02:25,191 It's my algorithm, but I promise to keep it fair. 55 00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:26,901 I love judging people. 56 00:02:26,985 --> 00:02:30,029 So, we lure the lower-ranked passengers to the back, 57 00:02:30,113 --> 00:02:32,615 then we split the ship in two and... mm, mm, mm. 58 00:02:32,699 --> 00:02:33,867 RYAN CLARK: A passenger pogrom. 59 00:02:33,950 --> 00:02:36,536 There's gotta be a better way of doing it than this. 60 00:02:36,619 --> 00:02:38,872 Look, we've always given machines the tasks 61 00:02:38,955 --> 00:02:41,207 that we can't handle, right? Defuse bombs, 62 00:02:41,291 --> 00:02:44,127 reset bowling pins, provide reliable orgasms. 63 00:02:44,210 --> 00:02:46,087 This is another thing that we should put 64 00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:48,798 in the hands of a machine because ours are too shaky. 65 00:02:48,882 --> 00:02:49,966 Okay. 66 00:02:50,049 --> 00:02:53,678 To use what is rapidly becoming our popular catchphrase, 67 00:02:53,761 --> 00:02:56,931 fuck it. Let us temporarily suspend our humanity. 68 00:02:57,015 --> 00:02:58,308 IRIS KIMURA: Great. 69 00:02:58,391 --> 00:02:59,934 -♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 70 00:03:00,018 --> 00:03:02,604 RYAN: Passengers, today, the ship's computer 71 00:03:02,687 --> 00:03:04,063 will be ranking all of us. 72 00:03:04,147 --> 00:03:06,608 And if you rank between one and 3000, 73 00:03:06,691 --> 00:03:09,235 you will be rewarded with a first-class cabin. 74 00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:12,196 Everyone else will be well provided for, 75 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,489 so don't worry about that. 76 00:03:13,573 --> 00:03:15,658 Keep on smiling and you will win the day. 77 00:03:15,742 --> 00:03:18,912 -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC FADES) ♪ 78 00:03:18,995 --> 00:03:20,663 Well, at least half of you will. 79 00:03:20,747 --> 00:03:23,333 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Did my ranking just go up? 80 00:03:23,416 --> 00:03:25,919 The algorithm rewards cold-hearted decisions 81 00:03:26,002 --> 00:03:28,588 -clinically made. -So it's a psychopath? 82 00:03:28,671 --> 00:03:30,632 Well, it has Judd in its coding. 83 00:03:30,715 --> 00:03:32,634 Well, if the algorithm is in charge, 84 00:03:32,717 --> 00:03:34,427 I won't need the head warmer. 85 00:03:34,510 --> 00:03:37,430 So, my followers all rank low because they follow me. 86 00:03:37,513 --> 00:03:40,725 So let's see how that's going. Oh. They've unfollowed me. 87 00:03:40,808 --> 00:03:43,019 That was fast. You have to respect that. 88 00:03:43,102 --> 00:03:45,271 -Fickle little bitches. (LAUGHS) -(DEVICE BUZZES) 89 00:03:45,355 --> 00:03:46,731 How can my ranking be so low 90 00:03:46,814 --> 00:03:50,318 when I am 3D printing an actual human baby in my cooch? 91 00:03:50,401 --> 00:03:51,903 We don't need a bigger suite, though. 92 00:03:51,986 --> 00:03:53,196 Babies are famously small. 93 00:03:53,279 --> 00:03:56,115 Not in your family. You had a head like a refrigerator. 94 00:03:56,199 --> 00:03:58,117 Honey, like I told you, it was a bad angle. 95 00:03:58,201 --> 00:04:00,787 -In every single photo. -Well, my love for you 96 00:04:00,870 --> 00:04:03,623 is even bigger than your freakish skull, Doug. 97 00:04:03,706 --> 00:04:06,250 -(BOTH GIGGLE) -(DEVICE PINGS) 98 00:04:06,334 --> 00:04:07,877 Wait. Were you saying that 'cause you meant it, 99 00:04:07,961 --> 00:04:09,212 or were you trying to get a ping? 100 00:04:09,295 --> 00:04:11,506 -Of course I meant it. -(DEVICE PINGS) 101 00:04:11,589 --> 00:04:13,508 MIA: Okay. That smile is freaking me out, 102 00:04:13,591 --> 00:04:15,176 but I'm just gonna go with it. 103 00:04:15,259 --> 00:04:18,763 How can I be bottom half? Doesn't make sense. 104 00:04:18,846 --> 00:04:21,349 -I'm a good person. Fact. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 105 00:04:21,432 --> 00:04:23,267 KAREN: Frank? Why have I gone down? 106 00:04:23,351 --> 00:04:25,645 FRANK KELLY: Sorry, I'm making bathroom. 107 00:04:25,728 --> 00:04:28,022 Ryan compliments me all the time. 108 00:04:28,106 --> 00:04:29,983 He says he never met anyone like me. 109 00:04:30,066 --> 00:04:32,944 FRANK: That's a known British insult, honey. 110 00:04:33,027 --> 00:04:35,071 -No, it's not. -FRANK: No, I think it is. 111 00:04:35,154 --> 00:04:36,990 -(DEVICE PINGS) -(FRANK LAUGHING) 112 00:04:37,073 --> 00:04:39,200 -Don't nervous laugh me, Frank. -FRANK: Sorry. 113 00:04:40,994 --> 00:04:43,496 -I'm going out. -FRANK: I'm almost done. 114 00:04:43,579 --> 00:04:46,624 ♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 115 00:04:46,708 --> 00:04:50,253 -ELENA: Oh, wow, mi amor. -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) 116 00:04:50,336 --> 00:04:52,922 Wow. "A Traditional British Eelhouse. 117 00:04:53,006 --> 00:04:55,174 -Eel-sy does it, Guvnor." -(CHUCKLES) 118 00:04:55,258 --> 00:04:56,551 Why are we eating here? 119 00:04:56,634 --> 00:04:58,970 The camera-to-customer ratio is pretty high here. 120 00:04:59,053 --> 00:05:01,389 And you lot could use a bit of a lift. 121 00:05:01,472 --> 00:05:02,557 Is the food all eels? 122 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:04,225 (IN COCKNEY ACCENT) Is it all eels? 123 00:05:04,308 --> 00:05:07,061 Eating eels is what won us the Battle of Agincourt! 124 00:05:07,145 --> 00:05:09,772 We thrashed Hitler's anus with a brace of eels. 125 00:05:09,856 --> 00:05:11,065 -I don't like eels. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 126 00:05:11,149 --> 00:05:13,192 Oh, nobody like eels. They're the celery of the sea. 127 00:05:13,276 --> 00:05:16,946 But just relax and embrace the authentic British smell 128 00:05:17,030 --> 00:05:18,573 of abandoned phone boxes 129 00:05:18,656 --> 00:05:19,866 -and James Corden. -(DEVICE PINGS) 130 00:05:19,949 --> 00:05:22,660 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hoity-ho and scupper me bollocks! 131 00:05:22,744 --> 00:05:25,371 Let me show you luverly, luverly cunts 132 00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:26,873 to your shit and stable. 133 00:05:26,956 --> 00:05:28,750 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) That means table. This way. 134 00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:31,794 I think the C-word is considered affectionate in the UK, right? 135 00:05:31,878 --> 00:05:33,212 RYAN: Yes. Absolutely. Yeah. 136 00:05:33,296 --> 00:05:35,506 -Sometimes makes it into the wedding vows. -(DEVICE PINGS) 137 00:05:35,590 --> 00:05:38,885 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Here we are, the old cock and balls. (LAUGHS) 138 00:05:38,968 --> 00:05:41,763 We'll have, uh, an "Eel-ivia Colman," 139 00:05:41,846 --> 00:05:43,097 an "Idris Eel-ba," 140 00:05:43,181 --> 00:05:45,933 and an "Eel-ementary, My Dear Wats-eel" 141 00:05:46,017 --> 00:05:47,143 for the tab-eel. 142 00:05:47,226 --> 00:05:49,062 WAITER: (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Excellent choices, man. 143 00:05:49,854 --> 00:05:51,064 ELENA: Why are you acting weird? 144 00:05:51,147 --> 00:05:53,274 I thought the rankings were just a bit of fun? 145 00:05:53,357 --> 00:05:56,736 Yeah, yeah. It's just-- it's just fun, cor blimey! 146 00:05:56,819 --> 00:05:57,987 -(CHUCKLES) -(DEVICE BUZZES) 147 00:05:58,071 --> 00:05:59,864 Is that for your dreadful cockney accent? 148 00:05:59,947 --> 00:06:01,282 Or 'cause you're lying? 149 00:06:01,365 --> 00:06:03,367 -No. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 150 00:06:03,451 --> 00:06:06,454 -It goes down when he lies. -(DEVICE PINGS) 151 00:06:06,537 --> 00:06:07,955 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) Eel-ivia Colman. 152 00:06:08,039 --> 00:06:09,624 We deboned it for you. 153 00:06:09,707 --> 00:06:11,417 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Means we took the bones out. 154 00:06:11,501 --> 00:06:14,170 -It looks like mashed up eyes. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 155 00:06:14,253 --> 00:06:15,963 RYAN: Hold your nose. Push on through. 156 00:06:16,047 --> 00:06:17,715 Or what'll happen? 157 00:06:17,799 --> 00:06:19,509 -Nothing. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 158 00:06:19,592 --> 00:06:21,469 Just as long as they don't force feed us. 159 00:06:21,552 --> 00:06:22,637 Do we die? 160 00:06:26,099 --> 00:06:30,269 -Of course... not. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 161 00:06:30,353 --> 00:06:33,606 Okay. Ryan, you need to tell us everything, right now. 162 00:06:35,399 --> 00:06:37,110 (DOOR CLOSING) 163 00:06:37,193 --> 00:06:38,444 COMPUTER MATT: Welcome, Ryan Clark. 164 00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:41,447 KAREN: Huh. Knew this software would be cheap. 165 00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:43,574 -Can you change your voice? -COMPUTER MATT: No. 166 00:06:43,658 --> 00:06:47,036 Can you change yours? See? (LAUGHS) I have a humor chip. 167 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:51,666 Mm. Okay, so let momma see what baby's been thinking. 168 00:06:51,749 --> 00:06:53,918 Ryan's most used words. 169 00:06:54,001 --> 00:06:56,546 RYAN: (OVER COMPUTER) Karen. Karen. Karen... 170 00:06:56,629 --> 00:06:58,923 -(GASPS, CHUCKLES) Ryan! -COMPUTER MATT: Hey, do you want 171 00:06:59,006 --> 00:07:00,842 -to expand context of... -RYAN: Karen. 172 00:07:00,925 --> 00:07:02,552 -COMPUTER MATT: ...words? -KAREN: Oh, yeah, baby. 173 00:07:02,635 --> 00:07:04,428 RYAN: I'm talking about fucking Karen! 174 00:07:04,512 --> 00:07:06,013 -(GASPS) -RYAN: Honestly? 175 00:07:06,097 --> 00:07:07,515 Being around Karen makes me feel 176 00:07:07,598 --> 00:07:09,183 -like a teenager again. -Oh. 177 00:07:09,267 --> 00:07:10,643 RYAN: And I was deeply uncomfortable 178 00:07:10,726 --> 00:07:13,437 as a teenager. Borderline suicidal. 179 00:07:13,521 --> 00:07:15,731 Christ, that woman is like a verruca 180 00:07:15,815 --> 00:07:18,693 -on my blinking anus! -Well, that could be anyone. 181 00:07:18,776 --> 00:07:21,988 RYAN: I'm talking about Karen, for fuck's sake. 182 00:07:22,071 --> 00:07:23,322 -Dull and draining. -(GASPS) 183 00:07:23,406 --> 00:07:25,199 RYAN: Like a month of fucking Wednesdays. 184 00:07:25,283 --> 00:07:27,243 I'll tell you who can fuck along nicely. 185 00:07:27,326 --> 00:07:28,369 -Karen Kelly. -(GASPS) 186 00:07:28,452 --> 00:07:30,288 RYAN: Karen Kelly. I bet if you say that 187 00:07:30,371 --> 00:07:32,874 in the wrong pyramid, your mouth fills with beetles. 188 00:07:32,957 --> 00:07:33,916 KAREN: You S-head. 189 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,168 RYAN: Honestly, that woman haunts me 190 00:07:35,251 --> 00:07:39,338 -like a perfumed plague pit. -Shut the fuck up! 191 00:07:39,422 --> 00:07:40,798 -(DEVICE PINGS) -PASSENGER: You deserve it. 192 00:07:40,882 --> 00:07:42,550 -(DEVICE PINGS) -No, but I wanna buy this for you. 193 00:07:42,633 --> 00:07:44,010 -(DEVICE PINGS) -I wanna buy it for you. 194 00:07:44,093 --> 00:07:45,094 -(DEVICE PINGS) -(LAUGHS) 195 00:07:45,178 --> 00:07:46,637 That's so cute. (CHUCKLES) 196 00:07:46,721 --> 00:07:49,432 I bet a beautiful couple like you are ranking highly, 197 00:07:49,515 --> 00:07:51,601 -am I right? -Uh, no. She's my sister. 198 00:07:51,684 --> 00:07:52,727 RAV MULCAIR: Oh, shame. 199 00:07:52,810 --> 00:07:54,395 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -I mean, not a shame, a waste. 200 00:07:54,478 --> 00:07:56,105 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -No. (LAUGHS) What I mean is, 201 00:07:56,189 --> 00:07:57,690 I was gonna say you would have lovely children, 202 00:07:57,773 --> 00:08:00,443 but then, children of incest are plain looking, aren't they? 203 00:08:00,526 --> 00:08:01,861 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Not that yours would be. 204 00:08:01,944 --> 00:08:03,237 -Yours would be lovely. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 205 00:08:03,321 --> 00:08:04,405 If you're planning to have them. 206 00:08:04,488 --> 00:08:06,032 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Shit. 207 00:08:06,115 --> 00:08:08,117 Did you just tell them their incest children would be plain? 208 00:08:08,201 --> 00:08:09,994 Yes. Yes, that's what just happened. 209 00:08:10,077 --> 00:08:11,871 You know, Rav, I think conversation 210 00:08:11,954 --> 00:08:13,206 isn't your natural medium. 211 00:08:13,289 --> 00:08:15,208 I think you'd do better with a grand gesture. 212 00:08:15,291 --> 00:08:16,417 Like, a "you go girl" moment. 213 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:18,419 Okay, yeah, like 10,000 points for Rav. 214 00:08:18,502 --> 00:08:20,379 Yes. Yes. As long as you're not talking, 215 00:08:20,463 --> 00:08:21,380 -I think you're-- Oh! -Oh. 216 00:08:21,464 --> 00:08:22,548 -After you. -(DEVICE PINGS) 217 00:08:22,632 --> 00:08:23,633 -Hurry up. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 218 00:08:23,716 --> 00:08:24,759 I'm sorry. Oh, shit. 219 00:08:24,842 --> 00:08:25,927 (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 220 00:08:26,010 --> 00:08:28,262 RYAN: You have five hours of ranking left. 221 00:08:28,346 --> 00:08:29,680 Five hours. 222 00:08:31,015 --> 00:08:33,351 (DEVICE PINGING) 223 00:08:35,978 --> 00:08:37,104 What are you doing? 224 00:08:37,188 --> 00:08:38,981 You just have to smile for the cameras. It's easy. 225 00:08:39,065 --> 00:08:41,609 I know the intersection points where I can hit multiple cameras 226 00:08:41,692 --> 00:08:44,278 at once. It's efficient and avoids cheek fatigue. 227 00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:47,073 (DEVICE PINGING) 228 00:08:47,156 --> 00:08:49,200 Uh, is it okay if I join you? 229 00:08:49,283 --> 00:08:51,410 -Absolutely not. -(DEVICE PINGING) 230 00:08:52,828 --> 00:08:53,829 (DEVICE PINGS) 231 00:08:57,416 --> 00:08:59,210 You know, I say screw the rankings. 232 00:08:59,293 --> 00:09:01,003 -I am not looking. -Yeah. 233 00:09:01,087 --> 00:09:02,296 I don't... (SCOFFS) 234 00:09:03,422 --> 00:09:04,590 (DEVICE PINGS) 235 00:09:06,384 --> 00:09:08,135 -Or maybe we should... -Way ahead of you. 236 00:09:08,219 --> 00:09:10,388 Four thousand four hundred seventy-two. 237 00:09:10,471 --> 00:09:12,056 Five thousand three hundred and forty-seven. 238 00:09:12,139 --> 00:09:13,808 I can't-- I can't believe it. I'm number two. 239 00:09:13,891 --> 00:09:16,644 How--? Really? Oh, I'm so pleased for you. 240 00:09:16,727 --> 00:09:18,604 -(DEVICE PINGS) -That makes me so happy. 241 00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:21,816 (CHUCKLES) Wait. Who's number one? 242 00:09:21,899 --> 00:09:24,235 Who the fuck is better than me? 243 00:09:24,318 --> 00:09:26,779 She's a real number two, all right. 244 00:09:26,862 --> 00:09:28,281 -(JAZZ CHUCKLES) -(DEVICE PINGS) 245 00:09:28,364 --> 00:09:29,865 Looks like the algorithm likes your joke. 246 00:09:29,949 --> 00:09:32,535 Does it find me attractive, too? Maybe I could take it to dinner. 247 00:09:32,618 --> 00:09:33,953 -(JAZZ LAUGHS) -(DEVICE PINGING) 248 00:09:34,036 --> 00:09:36,330 -You're on a roll. -Yeah, I think I'm gonna 249 00:09:36,414 --> 00:09:37,665 head up to the bar. 250 00:09:37,748 --> 00:09:39,333 CHARLES: I don't believe this. You told us 251 00:09:39,417 --> 00:09:42,044 it was about where we live, not whether we live. 252 00:09:43,129 --> 00:09:46,007 -I really did love you, Ryan. -(DEVICE PINGS) 253 00:09:47,258 --> 00:09:49,844 Oh, my God. You actually did. 254 00:09:49,927 --> 00:09:51,512 -I did, too. -(DEVICE PINGS) 255 00:09:52,013 --> 00:09:53,556 I did wonder. 256 00:09:53,639 --> 00:09:55,016 You always seemed to be two drinks short 257 00:09:55,099 --> 00:09:56,726 of curling up in my laundry. 258 00:09:57,768 --> 00:10:00,354 So, where do we go from here? 259 00:10:00,438 --> 00:10:03,941 -Uh, I don't know. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 260 00:10:05,151 --> 00:10:07,695 Okay, por dios. 261 00:10:07,778 --> 00:10:11,657 I love you both equally, but differently. 262 00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:12,783 (DEVICE PINGS) 263 00:10:14,035 --> 00:10:15,244 Well, this is a lot to take in. 264 00:10:15,328 --> 00:10:17,330 -(DEVICE BUZZING) -What? 265 00:10:17,413 --> 00:10:19,999 (BOTH GRUNT) 266 00:10:20,082 --> 00:10:23,711 -(PASSENGER 1 YELPS) -(PASSENGER 2 SCREAMS) 267 00:10:23,794 --> 00:10:26,005 -(DEVICE BUZZING) -I-- I didn't do anything. 268 00:10:26,088 --> 00:10:28,507 Unless I'm being penalized for existing. 269 00:10:28,591 --> 00:10:30,718 (SCREAMS) 270 00:10:30,801 --> 00:10:31,886 -(BABY CRIES) -(SCREAMS) 271 00:10:31,969 --> 00:10:33,554 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -See, this has just tipped over 272 00:10:33,637 --> 00:10:34,805 -into bullying. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 273 00:10:34,889 --> 00:10:36,307 -I'm gonna have to sort this out. -(DEVICE BUZZING) 274 00:10:36,390 --> 00:10:38,184 Guys, you know, I am getting so old. 275 00:10:38,267 --> 00:10:40,436 You know, when I go to the toilet, I don't take a book. 276 00:10:40,519 --> 00:10:42,688 -I take an encyclopedia. -(CROWD LAUGHS) 277 00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:44,732 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Back in the game. 278 00:10:44,815 --> 00:10:46,734 Now let me tell you about my brother, Larry. 279 00:10:46,817 --> 00:10:48,903 I don't wanna say he's unhygienic, but my God, 280 00:10:48,986 --> 00:10:50,446 the only time he washes behind his ears 281 00:10:50,529 --> 00:10:52,198 is when he's eating a slice of watermelon. 282 00:10:52,281 --> 00:10:53,866 -(CROWD LAUGHS) -(DEVICE PINGS) 283 00:10:53,949 --> 00:10:55,493 You ever wonder why the word "monosyllabic" 284 00:10:55,576 --> 00:10:57,244 has five syllables? 285 00:10:57,328 --> 00:10:59,705 Huh? Boy, that kind of split the room. 286 00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:02,875 Spike is gonna drop the mic and I'll be back in five. 287 00:11:02,958 --> 00:11:04,377 Thank you. 288 00:11:04,460 --> 00:11:06,337 Uh, number one stuck in your craw? 289 00:11:06,420 --> 00:11:09,173 You know that old folk song, "Simply the Best"? 290 00:11:09,256 --> 00:11:11,801 That's my funeral song. Not "Simply the Second Best." 291 00:11:11,884 --> 00:11:13,219 You know why? 'Cause that's not a song! 292 00:11:13,302 --> 00:11:16,764 -(COMMUNICATOR BEEPS) -Message. It's from number one. 293 00:11:16,847 --> 00:11:19,725 "Meet me at Judd's statue." 294 00:11:20,351 --> 00:11:21,352 How are we looking? 295 00:11:21,435 --> 00:11:22,770 We're both trending below cannibal. 296 00:11:22,853 --> 00:11:24,271 -(SCOFFS) What? -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 297 00:11:24,355 --> 00:11:28,359 RYAN: You have two hours of ranking left. Two hours. 298 00:11:28,442 --> 00:11:30,403 Oh, God. Oh, God, this is it, Doug. 299 00:11:30,486 --> 00:11:33,656 -No, I'll think of something. -No, I think the baby's coming! 300 00:11:33,739 --> 00:11:36,117 -It's too early. -It's not checking into a hotel. 301 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,828 It's literally coming out of my body right now! 302 00:11:38,911 --> 00:11:40,913 -Oh. All right. Towels! Do we need towels? -(GROANS) 303 00:11:40,996 --> 00:11:42,915 No, fuck towels! I need drugs! 304 00:11:42,998 --> 00:11:44,917 Women want to be unconscious! 305 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,836 (BABY CRIES) 306 00:11:47,461 --> 00:11:48,421 Hey, my hat! 307 00:11:48,504 --> 00:11:50,506 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Fuck. 308 00:11:50,589 --> 00:11:51,882 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Fuck. 309 00:11:51,966 --> 00:11:53,134 (DEVICE BUZZES) 310 00:11:53,217 --> 00:11:55,553 Judd's ranking advice. Hi, how are ya? 311 00:11:55,636 --> 00:11:57,888 I was told if I kept smiling, I'd be fine, 312 00:11:57,972 --> 00:11:59,932 um, but my ranking's lower than snake shit. 313 00:12:00,015 --> 00:12:01,475 I think it's because whatever's happening 314 00:12:01,559 --> 00:12:03,310 on your face right now isn't a smile. 315 00:12:03,394 --> 00:12:04,437 -It's more like a smirk. -Oh. 316 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:06,689 I want you to watch me. See this? See this? 317 00:12:06,772 --> 00:12:08,482 You see? You see what I'm doing right now? 318 00:12:08,566 --> 00:12:10,484 That's a fucking happy factory right there. 319 00:12:10,568 --> 00:12:12,111 There's thousands of people working up there 320 00:12:12,194 --> 00:12:13,362 making nothing but joy. 321 00:12:13,446 --> 00:12:16,365 -I'm smiling. -No. You maybe have 322 00:12:16,449 --> 00:12:18,367 -minor nerve damage or something? -No. 323 00:12:18,451 --> 00:12:20,202 I would maybe get your hands on some Botox 324 00:12:20,286 --> 00:12:21,454 and a disgraced surgeon. 325 00:12:21,537 --> 00:12:24,874 Judd, your algorithm inexplicably despises me. 326 00:12:24,957 --> 00:12:26,083 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -See? 327 00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:28,502 It's actually a very simple system. 328 00:12:28,586 --> 00:12:30,337 It's, um... 329 00:12:30,421 --> 00:12:32,506 -How do you turn it on? -Don't you use it? 330 00:12:32,590 --> 00:12:34,175 No. I can't be in my own app 331 00:12:34,258 --> 00:12:35,843 because then it would achieve singularity. 332 00:12:35,926 --> 00:12:38,304 -You just press that down there. -Oh. 333 00:12:38,387 --> 00:12:39,972 And let's just... 334 00:12:40,055 --> 00:12:42,516 Fuck. 335 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,894 -Are you low? -(SCOFFS) As if. 336 00:12:44,977 --> 00:12:46,896 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -RYAN: (LAUGHS) That is very cheering. 337 00:12:46,979 --> 00:12:48,689 The German word for what I'm feeling now 338 00:12:48,772 --> 00:12:50,524 is "Schitting Fantastiche." 339 00:12:50,608 --> 00:12:52,359 Okay, um, I could really use your help right now. 340 00:12:52,443 --> 00:12:55,154 Could you maybe tell me some of your problems or whatever? 341 00:12:55,237 --> 00:12:57,740 -I'd be doing you a favor. -(DEVICE PINGS) 342 00:12:57,823 --> 00:13:00,993 -So, I'm in love with a woman. -Which is great. 343 00:13:01,076 --> 00:13:03,871 -But she's married. -Which is... bad? 344 00:13:03,954 --> 00:13:06,916 Well, y-- yeah. The marriage is complicated. The thing is-- 345 00:13:06,999 --> 00:13:08,334 Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. 346 00:13:08,417 --> 00:13:10,169 Is this a problem that I can solve with either money 347 00:13:10,252 --> 00:13:12,588 -or aggressive legal action? -Uh, probably not. 348 00:13:12,671 --> 00:13:14,006 Then this is not gonna work for me. 349 00:13:14,089 --> 00:13:16,550 I need points, Ryan. I am desperate for points. 350 00:13:16,634 --> 00:13:18,219 -I will pay for points. -Christ. You're like 351 00:13:18,302 --> 00:13:20,471 an upturned turtle, aren't you? 352 00:13:20,554 --> 00:13:22,556 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -I'll take the hit on that. 353 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,016 -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -RAV: Excellent. 354 00:13:24,099 --> 00:13:25,226 Ooh, well done, you, sir. 355 00:13:25,309 --> 00:13:27,436 You-- you-- Oh, fantastic! Everyone's a winner. 356 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,104 -(DEVICE PINGS) -No, soccer's the winner! 357 00:13:29,188 --> 00:13:31,106 -(COUGHING) -Help! Somebody help! 358 00:13:31,190 --> 00:13:33,234 Oh, God, that man's choking! He's choking! Somebody help him! 359 00:13:33,317 --> 00:13:34,485 -Somebody help him! -Rav, look at me. 360 00:13:34,568 --> 00:13:35,903 Saving a life is a rankings bonanza. 361 00:13:35,986 --> 00:13:37,655 -Oh, God. -Come on. 362 00:13:37,738 --> 00:13:39,698 -I don't know what I'm doing! What am I gonna do? Help me! -Give him the Heimlich! 363 00:13:39,782 --> 00:13:40,908 -I don't know the Heimlich. -I know the Heimlich. 364 00:13:40,991 --> 00:13:42,201 -No, no. She's got it. -Do I just pump him? 365 00:13:42,284 --> 00:13:43,744 -Pump. Pump. -I'm here to help you! 366 00:13:43,827 --> 00:13:44,995 You're helping each other. 367 00:13:45,079 --> 00:13:46,830 -I think you have to do it harder! -It's not work-- 368 00:13:46,914 --> 00:13:47,873 He's bloody heavy! 369 00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:50,376 She's saving him! She's saving him. 370 00:13:54,296 --> 00:13:55,297 Thanks. 371 00:13:56,298 --> 00:13:58,926 Well, it's an easy mistake to make. 372 00:13:59,009 --> 00:14:01,762 You know, a heart attack is often indistinguishable 373 00:14:01,845 --> 00:14:02,930 from choking. 374 00:14:03,013 --> 00:14:04,431 Hey. Hey, let me help you with that. 375 00:14:04,515 --> 00:14:05,391 -No, thank you. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 376 00:14:05,474 --> 00:14:06,725 -Let me help you with your bag. -No. 377 00:14:06,809 --> 00:14:08,352 -(DEVICE BUZZING) -Please, please! 378 00:14:08,435 --> 00:14:09,812 -No. -HERMAN JUDD: Fuck. 379 00:14:10,521 --> 00:14:13,274 Hey, Iris. How are you? 380 00:14:13,357 --> 00:14:14,650 That's confidential information. 381 00:14:15,526 --> 00:14:17,361 -Damn it. -Everything okay, Iris? 382 00:14:17,444 --> 00:14:20,447 The algorithm seems to have figured out my smile hustle. 383 00:14:21,115 --> 00:14:22,658 Is the algo evolving? 384 00:14:22,741 --> 00:14:25,744 Well, if it is, then we must evolve too. 385 00:14:25,828 --> 00:14:28,831 Like how bears learned to dance. 386 00:14:28,914 --> 00:14:32,751 Um, I would like you, Iris, to be my friend 387 00:14:32,835 --> 00:14:35,921 slash employee again. My friend-ployee. 388 00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:38,966 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Did you say that for the rank? 389 00:14:39,049 --> 00:14:40,718 -No. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 390 00:14:40,801 --> 00:14:43,512 Yes. Yes. I said the friend thing for the rank. 391 00:14:43,596 --> 00:14:46,849 And then I said that I said it for the rank for the rank, too. 392 00:14:46,932 --> 00:14:48,392 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Okay. 393 00:14:48,475 --> 00:14:50,227 For this to happen, you're gonna have to treat me 394 00:14:50,311 --> 00:14:51,478 like a human being, because I am. 395 00:14:51,562 --> 00:14:52,688 You are like a human being. 396 00:14:52,771 --> 00:14:55,190 I am a human being, damn it, and I want respect. 397 00:14:55,274 --> 00:14:57,401 -I respect you so much. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 398 00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:03,657 Okay, I will do my best to make the respect happen. 399 00:15:03,741 --> 00:15:07,119 -(DEVICE PINGS) -You also need to drop all the lawsuits against me. 400 00:15:07,202 --> 00:15:08,996 -Even the fun ones? -Yes. 401 00:15:10,164 --> 00:15:11,915 Okay. Okay. 402 00:15:11,999 --> 00:15:14,793 -Oh, man. I missed you, Iris. -(DEVICE PINGS) 403 00:15:14,877 --> 00:15:17,296 -I missed you, too. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 404 00:15:17,379 --> 00:15:19,131 -You lying fuck. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 405 00:15:19,214 --> 00:15:20,507 -Goddammit, Iris. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 406 00:15:20,591 --> 00:15:22,593 -You're really fucking me here. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 407 00:15:22,676 --> 00:15:24,720 ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 408 00:15:24,803 --> 00:15:27,348 BILLIE MCEVOY: Hello? Number one? 409 00:15:28,432 --> 00:15:29,767 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 410 00:15:32,394 --> 00:15:36,148 (CHUCKLES) So... oh. 411 00:15:38,275 --> 00:15:40,944 The cream has risen. We are the cream. 412 00:15:42,112 --> 00:15:43,656 -Be the cream. -(DEVICE PINGS) 413 00:15:43,739 --> 00:15:46,200 What the fuck? You? 414 00:15:46,283 --> 00:15:48,827 -The best of us is Mads. -(DEVICE PINGS) 415 00:15:48,911 --> 00:15:53,666 You are two. I is one. We are three. Pronounced "free." 416 00:15:53,749 --> 00:15:55,501 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Oh. 417 00:15:55,584 --> 00:15:58,045 Oh, I see. No, no, no, it doesn't understand you. 418 00:15:58,128 --> 00:16:00,756 You're just saying nonsense confidently 419 00:16:00,839 --> 00:16:02,257 and you have cheekbones. 420 00:16:02,341 --> 00:16:04,677 Billie, don't overthink it. It's a very, 421 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,970 -very number two thing to do. -(DEVICE PINGS) 422 00:16:07,054 --> 00:16:08,764 Just accept that I am the king of this ship 423 00:16:08,847 --> 00:16:11,684 -and you are basically my-- -If you dare say queen, 424 00:16:11,767 --> 00:16:14,853 I will gouge out your tongue with my thumbs. 425 00:16:14,937 --> 00:16:17,690 No. I was going to say my jester. 426 00:16:17,773 --> 00:16:19,608 Your jester? 427 00:16:19,692 --> 00:16:22,945 Tongues are too slippery to gouge, you silly jester. 428 00:16:23,028 --> 00:16:24,446 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Ugh, this is ridiculous. 429 00:16:24,530 --> 00:16:25,531 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Oh! 430 00:16:25,614 --> 00:16:27,616 You are the stupidest computer I've ever met. 431 00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:31,036 I'm gonna turn you off before you make me hate numbers. 432 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,872 -(CROWD LAUGHS, APPLAUDS) -(DEVICE PINGS) 433 00:16:33,956 --> 00:16:38,043 I'm, uh, I'm actually bisexual. I've had sex twice. 434 00:16:38,127 --> 00:16:38,961 (CROWD LAUGHS) 435 00:16:39,044 --> 00:16:41,505 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Spike slam. (CHUCKLES) 436 00:16:41,588 --> 00:16:44,174 You know, people say to me, they say, "Gosh, was it scary, 437 00:16:44,258 --> 00:16:46,343 walking on Mars?" I say, "I don't know. 438 00:16:46,427 --> 00:16:48,262 I had my eyes closed the whole time." 439 00:16:48,345 --> 00:16:50,556 -(CROWD LAUGHS) -(DEVICE PINGS) 440 00:16:50,639 --> 00:16:52,182 You know, my, uh, fourth wife... 441 00:16:52,266 --> 00:16:53,308 -Fuck! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 442 00:16:53,392 --> 00:16:55,102 Okay, this-- here-- There's nobody in here. 443 00:16:55,185 --> 00:16:57,438 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -DOUG: See, that's not helping our rankings, honey. 444 00:16:57,521 --> 00:16:59,565 Maybe you could just smile through the pain? 445 00:16:59,648 --> 00:17:00,691 I hope your ass splits 446 00:17:00,774 --> 00:17:02,234 -and a bus falls out! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 447 00:17:02,317 --> 00:17:03,736 I completely understand your hatred, honey. 448 00:17:03,819 --> 00:17:05,070 -IRIS: I hear screaming. -(DEVICE PINGS) 449 00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:06,405 MATT: No, no, no. I can't get involved. 450 00:17:06,488 --> 00:17:08,490 God, we're so fucked. Babe, can I hold-- I need to-- 451 00:17:08,574 --> 00:17:09,950 What are you doing with your hands? 452 00:17:10,033 --> 00:17:12,453 Oh, my God, the baby's coming. I've never seen a real birth. 453 00:17:12,536 --> 00:17:13,746 I mean, aside from my own, 454 00:17:13,829 --> 00:17:16,582 but that was a cesarian, so I missed the money shot. 455 00:17:16,665 --> 00:17:19,251 Sadly, I am a midwife only to disaster. 456 00:17:19,334 --> 00:17:21,712 What is this, cervix tourism? Two tickets to see 457 00:17:21,795 --> 00:17:23,714 -a woman being split in half? -(DEVICE BUZZES) 458 00:17:23,797 --> 00:17:25,299 (CHUCKLES) You mean like the ship? 459 00:17:25,382 --> 00:17:26,592 The ship is being split in half? 460 00:17:26,675 --> 00:17:27,968 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Yeah, so the missile-- 461 00:17:28,052 --> 00:17:28,969 -Missile? -What? 462 00:17:29,053 --> 00:17:30,304 You know what? If you push hard enough, 463 00:17:30,387 --> 00:17:32,306 you could suffocate Matt with a flying placenta. 464 00:17:32,389 --> 00:17:34,308 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Wait, is that why you're ranking us? 465 00:17:34,391 --> 00:17:35,893 -No! No. -(DEVICE BUZZING) 466 00:17:35,976 --> 00:17:37,644 Right, stand back. Here I come. 467 00:17:37,728 --> 00:17:39,480 Auntie Iris gonna land this baby. 468 00:17:39,563 --> 00:17:41,231 -I'm not shitting out a shuttle! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 469 00:17:41,315 --> 00:17:42,858 -Just smile, like me. -(DEVICE PINGS) 470 00:17:42,941 --> 00:17:44,485 I can't get involved because last time 471 00:17:44,568 --> 00:17:46,153 I got involved in a medical emergency, 472 00:17:46,236 --> 00:17:47,112 a bald man died. 473 00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:48,781 Be uninvolved more quietly, please. 474 00:17:48,864 --> 00:17:50,115 MATT: But doesn't she need a doctor? 475 00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:51,950 -Okay, baby. Smile! -IRIS: Push! 476 00:17:52,034 --> 00:17:53,410 -Smile! -Push! 477 00:17:53,494 --> 00:17:55,370 -(GROANS) -(WHISPERING) Sound happy. There are mics everywhere. 478 00:17:55,454 --> 00:17:57,331 Just picture stroking her squidgy little cheeks 479 00:17:57,414 --> 00:17:59,458 -while she's sleeping. -I can't! I can't! 480 00:17:59,541 --> 00:18:00,793 Fucking picture it! 481 00:18:00,876 --> 00:18:02,085 (ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 482 00:18:02,169 --> 00:18:04,630 You have five minutes of ranking left. 483 00:18:04,713 --> 00:18:06,548 -Five minutes. -(BABY COOS) 484 00:18:06,632 --> 00:18:08,300 I stepped back and you all flourished. 485 00:18:08,383 --> 00:18:11,011 -Isn't that interesting? -If you said it, no. 486 00:18:11,094 --> 00:18:13,388 -♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ -DOUG: Oh, wow. 487 00:18:13,472 --> 00:18:16,350 -You're a mother, Mia. -(DEVICE PINGS) 488 00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:18,644 -And I'm a father. -(DEVICE PINGS, BUZZES) 489 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:25,150 (DEVICE BUZZES) 490 00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:26,902 -RYAN: Karen! Karen! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 491 00:18:26,985 --> 00:18:27,945 What are you doing? 492 00:18:28,028 --> 00:18:30,197 KAREN: I'm fruit effing your rank. 493 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:33,784 You called me an anal verruca, and it hurt. 494 00:18:33,867 --> 00:18:36,870 -You mind taking that off? -KAREN: You said you hated me. 495 00:18:36,954 --> 00:18:39,832 (SCOFFS) The algorithm was fooled by that? 496 00:18:39,915 --> 00:18:42,167 -Look, I don't hate you. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 497 00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:43,544 -Yeah, I do hate you. -(DEVICE PINGS) 498 00:18:43,627 --> 00:18:45,712 But there are tons of people I hate more than you. 499 00:18:45,796 --> 00:18:47,589 Matt and Judd, they're the top ten 500 00:18:47,673 --> 00:18:49,383 -all by themselves. -(DEVICE PINGS) 501 00:18:49,466 --> 00:18:51,718 -Really? -RYAN: Yes. Look at you. 502 00:18:51,802 --> 00:18:53,971 You're intelligent. Relentless. 503 00:18:54,054 --> 00:18:56,515 Not relentless. You're-- you're consistent. 504 00:18:56,598 --> 00:18:57,891 And you get things done. 505 00:18:57,975 --> 00:18:59,518 Things that don't want to be done. 506 00:18:59,601 --> 00:19:01,603 It's actually annoyingly brilliant. 507 00:19:01,687 --> 00:19:02,729 ♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 508 00:19:02,813 --> 00:19:05,399 -But I-- I am sorry. -(DEVICE PINGS) 509 00:19:05,482 --> 00:19:08,360 You know, we always hurt the ones we love. 510 00:19:08,443 --> 00:19:10,487 Yeah, that's not where this is headed. 511 00:19:11,780 --> 00:19:15,033 Hey. I'm your fruit monster. I'm sorry. 512 00:19:15,117 --> 00:19:16,410 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Oh. 513 00:19:16,493 --> 00:19:19,705 -(GASPS) Points for Karen. Ah! -♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪ 514 00:19:19,788 --> 00:19:22,708 Can someone please explain to me why she's shitting around 515 00:19:22,791 --> 00:19:23,876 and getting rewarded for it? 516 00:19:23,959 --> 00:19:25,919 What kind of value system is that 517 00:19:26,003 --> 00:19:27,546 and how may I exploit it? 518 00:19:27,629 --> 00:19:29,506 No, it's rewarding her apologizing. 519 00:19:29,590 --> 00:19:32,426 The algorithm is learning to love a teachable moment. 520 00:19:32,509 --> 00:19:34,261 -(DEVICE PINGS) -So, wait a minute. If I... 521 00:19:34,344 --> 00:19:37,389 If I were to call Matt, as I have many times, 522 00:19:37,472 --> 00:19:40,225 a dead-eyed masturbating parakeet, 523 00:19:40,309 --> 00:19:42,644 and then apologize for it, "I'm sorry, Matt," 524 00:19:42,728 --> 00:19:44,938 -I get points for that? -(DEVICE PINGS) 525 00:19:45,022 --> 00:19:47,357 No need to apologize. I mean, I-- I'm flattered 526 00:19:47,441 --> 00:19:49,359 you think I have the vibrancy of a parakeet 527 00:19:49,443 --> 00:19:53,071 or the energy to feather my cloaca to completion. 528 00:19:53,155 --> 00:19:54,281 (DEVICE PINGS) 529 00:19:54,364 --> 00:19:56,491 I'm gonna go prepare my nest for impact. 530 00:19:56,575 --> 00:19:59,536 Doesn't that mean everybody's just gonna go full metal asshole 531 00:19:59,620 --> 00:20:01,496 and then apologize to each other right after? 532 00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:04,374 -Yeah? (GRUNTS) -(DEVICE BUZZES) 533 00:20:04,458 --> 00:20:05,918 Uh, I-- I am so sorry, Spike. 534 00:20:06,001 --> 00:20:07,711 -That was an error in judgement. -(DEVICE PINGS) 535 00:20:07,794 --> 00:20:09,087 -Fuck you! -(DEVICE BUZZES) 536 00:20:09,171 --> 00:20:12,007 I'm so sorry I said that, Jaden. I've grown so much since then. 537 00:20:12,090 --> 00:20:14,134 -(DEVICE PINGS) -♪ (MID TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 538 00:20:14,217 --> 00:20:16,637 FRANK: You are indistinguishable from my mother. 539 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:19,139 -I can't believe I married you. -(DEVICE BUZZES) 540 00:20:19,222 --> 00:20:20,182 Not now, Frank. 541 00:20:20,265 --> 00:20:21,475 -See, I'm sorry. See? -(DEVICE PINGS) 542 00:20:21,558 --> 00:20:23,727 -(GRUNTS) I'm sorry. So sorry. -(DEVICES PINGING) 543 00:20:23,810 --> 00:20:25,979 -(DEVICES BUZZING) -PASSENGER 1: Sorry! 544 00:20:26,063 --> 00:20:27,648 Another beautiful day in the neighborhood. 545 00:20:27,731 --> 00:20:29,691 -PASSENGER 2: Sorry! -PASSENGER 3: (GRUNTS) Sorry, sorry. 546 00:20:29,775 --> 00:20:31,360 I think we should shut the ranking off 547 00:20:31,443 --> 00:20:32,945 -for the good of mankind. -(DEVICE PINGS) 548 00:20:33,028 --> 00:20:34,446 Not because you're in the bottom half? 549 00:20:34,529 --> 00:20:37,115 No. No, 'cause actually, because I just said 550 00:20:37,199 --> 00:20:38,784 that nice thing about mankind, 551 00:20:38,867 --> 00:20:40,494 I'm actually in the safe zone again. 552 00:20:40,577 --> 00:20:42,120 IRIS: Okay. You still want me to turn it off? 553 00:20:42,204 --> 00:20:43,956 -PASSENGER 4: Sorry! -No. No. 554 00:20:44,039 --> 00:20:45,582 -(DEVICE PINGS) -Because, for whatever reason, 555 00:20:45,666 --> 00:20:47,668 I don't feel very bothered by it now. 556 00:20:47,751 --> 00:20:50,379 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -Goddammit. Uh, yeah. Yeah. 557 00:20:50,462 --> 00:20:52,297 I should shut it off. (SCREAMS) 558 00:20:52,381 --> 00:20:53,632 -(DEVICE BUZZES) -PASSENGER 5: Sorry! 559 00:20:53,715 --> 00:20:55,175 I now believe your husband may have been killed 560 00:20:55,258 --> 00:20:58,095 by his own heart whilst I was trying to save him from choking 561 00:20:58,178 --> 00:21:01,181 on what turned out to be nothing. 562 00:21:01,264 --> 00:21:04,142 -Um, but never the, uh, less... -Let me be sorry! 563 00:21:04,226 --> 00:21:05,394 I-- I just wanted to say, 564 00:21:05,477 --> 00:21:07,437 he seemed like the most wonderful, 565 00:21:08,188 --> 00:21:11,608 bulky man. I am so sorry. 566 00:21:11,692 --> 00:21:13,986 -(DEVICE PINGING) -Oh, big upgrade! 567 00:21:14,069 --> 00:21:15,779 -(PASSENGERS SCREAMING) -(DEVICE BUZZES) 568 00:21:15,862 --> 00:21:17,447 -PASSENGER 6: Sorry! -(DEVICE PINGS) 569 00:21:17,531 --> 00:21:19,074 COMPUTER VOICE: Ranking complete. 570 00:21:19,866 --> 00:21:21,201 Ranking complete. 571 00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:26,373 -♪ (MID TEMPO MUSIC FADES) ♪ -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 572 00:21:26,456 --> 00:21:27,958 RYAN: Uh, this is just a reminder, 573 00:21:28,041 --> 00:21:29,251 you only have a couple of minutes left. 574 00:21:29,334 --> 00:21:32,087 If you ranked between one and 3000, 575 00:21:32,170 --> 00:21:33,839 please head for the front of the ship. 576 00:21:33,922 --> 00:21:36,008 Everyone else, head to the back. 577 00:21:37,217 --> 00:21:38,427 -RYAN: Elena. -Ryan? 578 00:21:38,510 --> 00:21:41,221 I'm 3,942. What are... 579 00:21:41,304 --> 00:21:42,556 What are you doing? 580 00:21:42,639 --> 00:21:44,307 -Here. -What is this? 581 00:21:46,685 --> 00:21:48,770 -I love you, Elena. -I love you. 582 00:21:48,854 --> 00:21:52,274 Five thousand nine hundred and sixty-three is... 583 00:21:52,357 --> 00:21:53,525 Yeah, sorry, Charles. 584 00:21:53,608 --> 00:21:55,193 Maybe I'll save you in the next life. 585 00:21:56,403 --> 00:21:58,196 -ELENA: Mi amor. -RYAN: Be safe, my darling. 586 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,700 ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 587 00:22:03,785 --> 00:22:08,165 -Billie, you're joining us. -But you're number two. 588 00:22:08,248 --> 00:22:11,501 Yeah, but we're engineers, so... 589 00:22:11,585 --> 00:22:13,211 we should be with the engines, right? 590 00:22:13,295 --> 00:22:17,215 You're right. Yeah. Grease and math, my two pillars. 591 00:22:19,092 --> 00:22:20,385 How did you do in the end? 592 00:22:20,469 --> 00:22:22,179 Uh, it was good, but then bad. 593 00:22:22,262 --> 00:22:23,930 Apparently, my jokes are offensive. 594 00:22:24,014 --> 00:22:25,974 I got complaints from bisexuals, 595 00:22:26,058 --> 00:22:28,602 people who don't know the meaning of the word "monosyllabic," 596 00:22:28,685 --> 00:22:31,229 folks who are allergic to watermelon. 597 00:22:31,313 --> 00:22:33,440 DOUG: Looks like there's a dipes to clean. 598 00:22:33,523 --> 00:22:35,067 -(CHUCKLES) -You know, after this one, 599 00:22:35,150 --> 00:22:36,401 it gets all yellow and seedy. 600 00:22:36,485 --> 00:22:39,029 -Okay, well, that's unpleasant. -I'll deal with those ones. 601 00:22:39,112 --> 00:22:41,281 Oh, I like Daddy Doug. 602 00:22:41,364 --> 00:22:43,241 That's why we got in the top half, baby. 603 00:22:43,325 --> 00:22:44,868 -I'll get the wipes. -(CHUCKLES) Okay. 604 00:22:44,951 --> 00:22:48,705 -AUTOMATED VOICE: Fifty seconds. -Remember me. 605 00:22:49,664 --> 00:22:51,416 Tell my story. 606 00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:54,711 -Do not believe the accusers. -AUTOMATED VOICE: Forty seconds. 607 00:22:54,795 --> 00:22:56,588 I've wished him away in the past, 608 00:22:56,671 --> 00:22:58,632 but this is as sad as a graveyard sunset. 609 00:23:01,051 --> 00:23:03,303 At least he'll live on through all this branding. 610 00:23:03,386 --> 00:23:04,638 I'll give him three minutes. 611 00:23:04,721 --> 00:23:06,139 AUTOMATED VOICE: Thirty seconds. 612 00:23:06,223 --> 00:23:08,809 Make way for King Mads of the front section. 613 00:23:08,892 --> 00:23:11,812 Happy birthday to everyone who has a birthday. 614 00:23:11,895 --> 00:23:14,856 BILLIE: Hey, this is the back. What are you doing here? 615 00:23:14,940 --> 00:23:16,066 What are you doing here? 616 00:23:16,149 --> 00:23:18,527 The algorithm peg you as an engine jockey? 617 00:23:18,985 --> 00:23:20,153 Yeah. 618 00:23:20,237 --> 00:23:22,489 Slammed you as an emotionally incontinent 619 00:23:22,572 --> 00:23:23,865 walking bald patch? 620 00:23:24,950 --> 00:23:26,701 -Exactly. -AUTOMATED VOICE: Ten seconds. 621 00:23:26,785 --> 00:23:29,412 -Ready? -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) 622 00:23:29,496 --> 00:23:35,085 Let bisection commence in three, two, one. 623 00:23:35,710 --> 00:23:37,254 (WALLS RUMBLING) 624 00:23:37,337 --> 00:23:39,172 -PASSENGER 1: Wait! -(INDISTINCT CLAMOR) 625 00:23:39,256 --> 00:23:40,757 PASSENGER 2: There's a wall coming down! 626 00:23:40,841 --> 00:23:42,384 MIA: Oh, babe, I put them over here. 627 00:23:42,467 --> 00:23:46,847 No, Doug! The doors! The doors! Doug! Doug! Doug! 628 00:23:47,764 --> 00:23:51,434 -(DOG BARKS) -Buddy! Buddy! 629 00:23:51,518 --> 00:23:54,604 There's a big-ass missile locked onto this side! 630 00:23:54,688 --> 00:23:57,440 Lock onto me if you wanna live! Ah! 631 00:23:57,524 --> 00:24:00,861 (PASSENGERS YELLING) 632 00:24:11,246 --> 00:24:14,416 (LAUGHS) You can never thank me enough! 633 00:24:14,499 --> 00:24:16,710 I'm a space Moses! 634 00:24:16,793 --> 00:24:18,211 -(ANNOUNCEMENT BELL DINGS) -Listen, 635 00:24:18,295 --> 00:24:21,214 there is indeed a missile coming towards the ship, 636 00:24:21,298 --> 00:24:23,550 and I have to tell you now that it is most probably 637 00:24:23,633 --> 00:24:25,135 aiming for the back of the ship. 638 00:24:25,218 --> 00:24:27,012 -(ALL GASP) -RYAN: Where we are. 639 00:24:27,095 --> 00:24:28,889 AUTOMATED VOICE: Sixty seconds to division. 640 00:24:28,972 --> 00:24:30,724 All the bodies that Judd took over there 641 00:24:30,807 --> 00:24:32,142 means more body heat in the front, 642 00:24:32,225 --> 00:24:33,894 so the missile probably hits them now, right? 643 00:24:33,977 --> 00:24:35,979 -AUTOMATED VOICE: Fifty seconds. -Yeah, I think so. I mean, 644 00:24:36,062 --> 00:24:37,647 it's programmed for mass destruction. 645 00:24:37,731 --> 00:24:39,900 It's a real mass-hole. 646 00:24:39,983 --> 00:24:43,945 Right. I don't care if the whole ship hears. 647 00:24:44,029 --> 00:24:45,280 I love you, Elena. 648 00:24:45,363 --> 00:24:47,490 -AUTOMATED VOICE: Forty seconds. -I love you so much, 649 00:24:47,574 --> 00:24:49,993 and it's an honor, truly, to lay down my life 650 00:24:50,076 --> 00:24:52,329 -for you and for-- -BILLIE: (WHISPERING) Ryan. 651 00:24:52,412 --> 00:24:53,663 Sorry, just one second. 652 00:24:55,165 --> 00:24:57,042 AUTOMATED VOICE: Thirty seconds. 653 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:02,547 Judd! You... gurning hemorrhoid. 654 00:25:02,631 --> 00:25:07,594 You've just taken a giant J-shaped shit on my sacrifice! 655 00:25:07,677 --> 00:25:09,137 AUTOMATED VOICE: Twenty seconds. 656 00:25:09,221 --> 00:25:10,472 Elena, I'm sorry 657 00:25:10,555 --> 00:25:13,099 that this is the last thing you're gonna hear me say. 658 00:25:13,850 --> 00:25:14,768 AUTOMATED VOICE: Ten... 659 00:25:14,851 --> 00:25:16,603 I mean, there were some really lovely bits 660 00:25:16,686 --> 00:25:18,980 for her to think about. 661 00:25:19,064 --> 00:25:22,776 AUTOMATED VOICE: Five, four, three, 662 00:25:23,693 --> 00:25:25,904 two, one. 663 00:25:25,987 --> 00:25:27,697 (RUMBLING) 664 00:25:27,781 --> 00:25:31,409 ♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 665 00:25:31,493 --> 00:25:34,829 -MIA: Doug! Doug! -Mia? 666 00:25:36,039 --> 00:25:37,123 MIA: Support the head! 667 00:25:38,291 --> 00:25:39,292 Mia! 668 00:25:45,590 --> 00:25:46,675 PASSENGER: Buddy! 669 00:25:51,012 --> 00:25:52,847 MIA: What's going on? 670 00:25:58,228 --> 00:25:59,521 -RYAN: Elena! -CHARLES: Elena! 671 00:26:01,564 --> 00:26:03,108 -RYAN: Elena! -CHARLES: Elena! 672 00:26:09,698 --> 00:26:13,785 ♪ (SOMBER MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ 673 00:27:02,834 --> 00:27:05,003 ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪