1 00:00:12,376 --> 00:00:15,084 -Hey, Dad, I did an experiment. 2 00:00:15,168 --> 00:00:18,418 By carefully exposing my turtles to select doses of radiation, 3 00:00:18,501 --> 00:00:20,084 I've begun transforming them 4 00:00:20,168 --> 00:00:22,834 into a radical, tubular crime-fighting team. 5 00:00:22,918 --> 00:00:23,751 Like on TV! 6 00:00:23,834 --> 00:00:27,584 Sweetie, that is so inventive and the cutest little experiment ever. 7 00:00:28,168 --> 00:00:30,043 Are you proud of me? 8 00:00:30,543 --> 00:00:31,751 Ha! Are you kidding? 9 00:00:31,834 --> 00:00:34,168 You just gave those turtles cancer. 10 00:00:34,251 --> 00:00:35,084 -What? 11 00:00:35,168 --> 00:00:36,959 Yeah. What were you thinking? 12 00:00:37,043 --> 00:00:39,751 You just Chernobyled their insides into turtle soup. 13 00:00:39,834 --> 00:00:40,793 Even Mipsy? 14 00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:43,334 Especially Mipsy. 15 00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:45,251 Mipsy is gonna die, honey. 16 00:00:45,334 --> 00:00:47,293 Oh gosh, what a cute idea. 17 00:00:47,376 --> 00:00:49,001 Stupid but cute. 18 00:00:49,709 --> 00:00:52,751 Okay, kid, let's go put down your turtles together. 19 00:00:55,043 --> 00:00:58,251 Whoa, look out, Michelangelo. A cyberbully. 20 00:00:58,334 --> 00:00:59,293 On fleek. 21 00:00:59,376 --> 00:01:01,251 Hey, do you have any cranberry juice? 22 00:01:01,334 --> 00:01:04,793 -Maybe in your secret woman stash? -Figure out your own mixer, Dad. 23 00:01:04,876 --> 00:01:08,043 I have an important job keeping the entire world together, remember? 24 00:01:08,126 --> 00:01:11,418 Aw, that's cute. I figured they would've fired you by now. 25 00:01:11,501 --> 00:01:12,459 I mean, I got canned, 26 00:01:12,543 --> 00:01:16,084 and genetically speaking, you're half as good as me, so… 27 00:01:16,168 --> 00:01:18,918 Sometimes, the thought that we're related 28 00:01:19,001 --> 00:01:20,293 keeps me up at night! 29 00:01:22,084 --> 00:01:24,209 Classic Ridley rage issues. 30 00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:25,959 You're definitely my girl! 31 00:01:26,043 --> 00:01:29,001 Whoa, Leo's TikTok is deadass lit! 32 00:01:29,084 --> 00:01:30,626 Jesus, they're still making these? 33 00:01:30,709 --> 00:01:32,418 Yaass, Krang! 34 00:01:59,709 --> 00:02:01,334 Reagan, pick up the phone. 35 00:02:01,418 --> 00:02:03,876 That's right. I changed your ringtone when you were sleeping. 36 00:02:03,959 --> 00:02:05,959 -Are you gonna get that? -Pick it up. 37 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,376 Pick it up. 38 00:02:10,376 --> 00:02:13,376 Hey, Reagan, I think you dropped your smile. 39 00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:15,251 Oh! What have I got here? 40 00:02:16,793 --> 00:02:18,543 Oh God, it's not working. 41 00:02:18,626 --> 00:02:21,501 Ever have those mornings where you start pulling at the mental thread 42 00:02:21,584 --> 00:02:23,168 that your entire life could be different 43 00:02:23,251 --> 00:02:26,001 if maybe you hadn't been raised by such an asshole? 44 00:02:26,084 --> 00:02:26,918 Mmm. 45 00:02:27,001 --> 00:02:31,043 No. My drive-to-work Jock Jams megamix keeps the bad thoughts far away. 46 00:02:31,126 --> 00:02:35,293 Guess I'll just throw myself into whatever inane job we're doing next. 47 00:02:35,376 --> 00:02:37,793 Probably something dumb like going to the moon. 48 00:02:37,876 --> 00:02:39,084 Good news, team. 49 00:02:39,168 --> 00:02:41,126 Today, you're going to the moon! 50 00:02:42,376 --> 00:02:44,209 But didn't we fake the moon landing? 51 00:02:44,293 --> 00:02:48,001 It is so hard to keep track of what's real and what's fake here. 52 00:02:48,084 --> 00:02:49,959 -Hi, Sasquatch. 53 00:02:50,043 --> 00:02:52,209 I can never find an inroad with that guy. 54 00:02:52,293 --> 00:02:54,501 Haven't you watched the moon-landing orientation film? 55 00:02:54,584 --> 00:02:57,918 Why did we even kidnap Ken Burns if no one's watched the movie? 56 00:02:58,418 --> 00:03:02,043 In 1962, President Kennedy had a dream to reach the moon. 57 00:03:02,126 --> 00:03:05,418 Mostly because he'd achieved every sexual experience on Earth 58 00:03:05,501 --> 00:03:07,668 and wanted to see what space sex was like. 59 00:03:07,751 --> 00:03:11,293 We choose to go to the moon not because it is easy 60 00:03:11,376 --> 00:03:13,209 but because I am hard. 61 00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:14,251 Ha ha. Nice. 62 00:03:14,334 --> 00:03:18,084 But the lure of casual sex proved too much for the astronauts, 63 00:03:18,168 --> 00:03:21,876 who created a free-love commune and refused to return home. 64 00:03:21,959 --> 00:03:24,209 To avoid a national PR disaster, 65 00:03:24,293 --> 00:03:26,751 the shadow government recruited crisis actors 66 00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:28,501 to play the rogue astronauts. 67 00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:30,959 Kubrick was hired to fake the return trip, 68 00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:34,126 and the moon was privately declared a hostile nation. 69 00:03:34,209 --> 00:03:37,584 The rogue colony still exists to this day. 70 00:03:37,668 --> 00:03:39,001 I'm Ken Burns. 71 00:03:39,084 --> 00:03:41,543 If you're watching, please, someone help me. 72 00:03:41,626 --> 00:03:42,709 I've been trapped in here… 73 00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:45,126 Blah, blah, blah, lots of sobbing. You get the gist. 74 00:03:45,209 --> 00:03:49,001 We lost communication with Aldrin's Moontopia 30 years ago 75 00:03:49,084 --> 00:03:51,501 until today's distress signal. 76 00:03:51,584 --> 00:03:54,084 Ooh, a deep-space distress call. 77 00:03:54,168 --> 00:03:56,751 Very sci-fi. I'm super invested. 78 00:03:56,834 --> 00:04:00,001 They could be finally willing to surrender. Or it's a trap. 79 00:04:00,084 --> 00:04:01,168 We'll need two volunteers. 80 00:04:01,251 --> 00:04:04,459 Be warned, this is a near-suicide mission in space. 81 00:04:04,543 --> 00:04:06,959 You may never see your families again. 82 00:04:07,043 --> 00:04:09,168 -I'm in. -I repeat, you could die. 83 00:04:09,251 --> 00:04:11,001 I'm already dead inside. 84 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,959 -Road trip! 85 00:04:19,084 --> 00:04:20,751 If I say "slam the jam," 86 00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:22,501 will you let me live? 87 00:04:22,584 --> 00:04:25,043 -Underwear, T-shirt, plasma rifle… 88 00:04:25,126 --> 00:04:26,209 Plasma rifle. 89 00:04:26,293 --> 00:04:29,918 Ah, I threw it in the trash for ya. It was based on bad science. 90 00:04:30,001 --> 00:04:32,001 Dad, you can't just throw my inventions away. 91 00:04:32,084 --> 00:04:34,751 I'm going to the moon, and I need this to shoot hippies. 92 00:04:34,834 --> 00:04:37,209 Or myself if an alien mates with my face. 93 00:04:37,293 --> 00:04:39,709 The moon? Worst dump I've ever been to. 94 00:04:39,793 --> 00:04:41,751 Yeah, right. When did you go to the moon? 95 00:04:41,834 --> 00:04:44,293 Your mother and I had a life before you came along, 96 00:04:44,376 --> 00:04:47,626 with low-gravity sex tourism, when she used to be fun. 97 00:04:47,709 --> 00:04:49,918 Ugh! This is why I'm going. 98 00:04:50,001 --> 00:04:53,168 In space, no one can hear their dad talk about boning their mom. 99 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:56,168 While you're up there, find my sunglasses I left behind. 100 00:04:56,251 --> 00:04:58,043 Ray-Bans, gray lenses. 101 00:04:58,126 --> 00:05:00,543 I was wearing them during a threesome with your mom. 102 00:05:01,126 --> 00:05:03,126 Do you hear me talking about the threesome, honey? 103 00:05:03,209 --> 00:05:05,209 Threesome. Three… 104 00:05:05,293 --> 00:05:06,126 She's gone. 105 00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:13,209 T-minus three, two, one. Ignition. 106 00:05:22,084 --> 00:05:23,501 Reagan, pick up the-- 107 00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:25,709 Oh God, I can't breathe. 108 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:28,668 Oh God, I can finally breathe. 109 00:05:28,751 --> 00:05:30,834 What if the moon people capture and torture us? 110 00:05:30,918 --> 00:05:33,834 Or worse, they mistake me for a god and ask me to lead their society. 111 00:05:33,918 --> 00:05:35,084 That's too much pressure! 112 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:39,293 No way an outpost founded by Moon Manson is still around. 113 00:05:39,376 --> 00:05:42,084 Fifty bucks says the SOS was triggered by a computer 114 00:05:42,168 --> 00:05:45,584 telling us these idiots ran out of lube and died. 115 00:05:50,543 --> 00:05:54,043 I'll show you whose rifle doesn't work, Dad. 116 00:05:54,126 --> 00:05:57,043 -And I'll replant the American flag. 117 00:05:57,126 --> 00:05:58,876 Brett, that's a flag of Rasta Garfield. 118 00:05:59,459 --> 00:06:00,793 Damn it, CafePress. 119 00:06:00,876 --> 00:06:03,168 You've hoodwinked me for the last time. 120 00:06:04,376 --> 00:06:06,543 Wow, Earth looks so different from space. 121 00:06:06,626 --> 00:06:10,834 Yeah, NASA spends a fortune photoshopping Atlantis out of photos. 122 00:06:11,334 --> 00:06:15,959 The signal's getting stronger. Keep an eye out for beads and lava lamps. 123 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,668 -Stop right there… 124 00:06:21,751 --> 00:06:24,668 …and welcome yourself to the moon. 125 00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:27,584 -Just the man we came here to see. 126 00:06:27,668 --> 00:06:29,459 Ah! Buzz Lightyear! 127 00:06:29,543 --> 00:06:31,084 Close enough. 128 00:06:31,168 --> 00:06:33,876 Buzz Aldrin, the first second man on the moon. 129 00:06:33,959 --> 00:06:35,834 Welcome to our little Moontopia. 130 00:06:35,918 --> 00:06:38,126 Yeah, we've seen the sex cult, Buzz, and we are not… 131 00:06:39,168 --> 00:06:40,376 …impressed. 132 00:06:41,209 --> 00:06:43,501 You're free to roam. Just stay away from the dark side. 133 00:06:43,584 --> 00:06:45,209 That's where the moon Nazis are, 134 00:06:45,293 --> 00:06:46,793 and they are political. 135 00:06:47,501 --> 00:06:49,543 I wonder what they're gonna do with the fake Buzz. 136 00:06:51,334 --> 00:06:52,501 Melvin Stupowitz? 137 00:06:52,584 --> 00:06:54,501 Sorry, my friend, no one here by that name. 138 00:06:54,584 --> 00:06:57,418 Though we are both made from stardust. 139 00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:59,168 Cut the shtick, Stupowitz. 140 00:06:59,251 --> 00:07:00,376 We're from Cognito. 141 00:07:01,168 --> 00:07:03,459 Come on in. 142 00:07:04,043 --> 00:07:06,626 What do you mean I'm canceled? I took every note. 143 00:07:06,709 --> 00:07:09,834 Why don't I just punch another conspiracy theorist in the face? 144 00:07:09,918 --> 00:07:12,293 Hey, hey, I could make Buzz more dynamic. 145 00:07:12,376 --> 00:07:14,459 What if the character wore roller skates? 146 00:07:14,543 --> 00:07:16,459 It's over, Melvin. The real Buzz is coming back, 147 00:07:16,543 --> 00:07:18,459 and we can't have two Buzzes running around, 148 00:07:18,543 --> 00:07:20,876 especially after three Tupacs got loose. 149 00:07:20,959 --> 00:07:23,501 But I've been Buzz Aldrin for over 50 years. 150 00:07:23,584 --> 00:07:24,834 I have grandkids. 151 00:07:24,918 --> 00:07:26,376 I'll really miss deceiving. 152 00:07:26,459 --> 00:07:28,334 This isn't a negotiation. 153 00:07:28,418 --> 00:07:30,126 Tomorrow, you're gonna show up at Cognito, 154 00:07:30,209 --> 00:07:32,959 get a new face, and, if you're lucky, maybe a new role. 155 00:07:33,043 --> 00:07:34,751 I heard a spicy rumor 156 00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:37,043 we're about to start casting for World War III. 157 00:07:37,126 --> 00:07:40,626 Apparently, this time the Americans will be the bad guys. 158 00:07:49,376 --> 00:07:50,459 Your Highness. 159 00:07:50,543 --> 00:07:52,793 -Wow! -I don't understand. 160 00:07:52,876 --> 00:07:55,501 Cognito told me this was some kind of sex cult. 161 00:07:55,584 --> 00:07:56,751 Originally, yes. 162 00:07:56,834 --> 00:07:58,751 But when my good friend Neil Armstrong 163 00:07:58,834 --> 00:08:01,126 died in the great orgy avalanche, 164 00:08:01,209 --> 00:08:02,626 bless his horny soul, 165 00:08:02,709 --> 00:08:04,834 we decided to turn our sex-periments 166 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,709 into experiments. 167 00:08:06,793 --> 00:08:08,751 -Hi, girls. -Hey, Buzz. 168 00:08:08,834 --> 00:08:11,459 I've created cigarettes that cure cancer. 169 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:13,126 And our lack of gravity 170 00:08:13,209 --> 00:08:15,543 damn near slows the aging process to a halt. 171 00:08:15,626 --> 00:08:19,084 -Thanks for the Moontopia, Buzz. -Have a great after-moon. 172 00:08:19,168 --> 00:08:20,626 Don't moon-tion it. 173 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:23,626 Oh, I should probably explain some of the lunar lingo up here. 174 00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:26,918 See, what you do is you take a regular word and put "moon" in it, 175 00:08:27,001 --> 00:08:28,001 kind of wherever. 176 00:08:28,084 --> 00:08:30,209 Wow, such a rich culture. 177 00:08:33,584 --> 00:08:35,668 Dagnabbit. That SOS we sent you 178 00:08:35,751 --> 00:08:36,959 was for our energy grid. 179 00:08:37,043 --> 00:08:38,293 Damn thing's on the fritz 180 00:08:38,376 --> 00:08:40,251 since the moon Nazis attacked. 181 00:08:40,334 --> 00:08:43,043 Have you tried shooting them? It works for Earth Nazis. 182 00:08:43,126 --> 00:08:46,209 My God, is this a zero-point fusion generator? 183 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:49,293 Looks like they sent us just the right person to help. 184 00:08:49,376 --> 00:08:50,709 Oh, thanks. 185 00:08:50,793 --> 00:08:53,543 I'm not used to people noticing or appreciating my work 186 00:08:53,626 --> 00:08:54,793 in any shape or form. 187 00:08:59,793 --> 00:09:01,834 -Oh no! 188 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:06,293 Dad?! You fucking stowed away? 189 00:09:06,376 --> 00:09:09,793 Okay, before you get all judgy, you weren't looking for my glasses, 190 00:09:09,876 --> 00:09:11,626 so this is sorta your fault. 191 00:09:11,709 --> 00:09:14,376 Even in space, I can't get any space from you! 192 00:09:14,459 --> 00:09:17,376 -At least the locals are happy to see me. 193 00:09:18,418 --> 00:09:20,709 Rand Ridley. I'd kick your ass, 194 00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:23,959 but it looks like 30 years of gravity have done enough damage. 195 00:09:24,043 --> 00:09:26,709 Wow. Congrats on making it through a whole sentence 196 00:09:26,793 --> 00:09:28,418 without forcing a moon pun. 197 00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:29,709 You two know each other? 198 00:09:29,793 --> 00:09:33,501 How could I forget the guy who infected the whole colony with syphilis? 199 00:09:33,584 --> 00:09:37,126 And how can I forget the guy who slept with my fucking wife? 200 00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:39,709 -What? -Quit living in the past. 201 00:09:39,793 --> 00:09:41,293 That was 30 years ago. 202 00:09:41,376 --> 00:09:43,084 Thirty years? 203 00:09:43,168 --> 00:09:46,418 I can't believe I'm still dealing with your bullshit, Rand. 204 00:09:46,501 --> 00:09:48,751 You're almost as annoying as my weak bladder, 205 00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:50,834 which some say is genetic. 206 00:09:50,918 --> 00:09:51,918 Oh my God. 207 00:09:52,418 --> 00:09:55,293 -Reagan, how… how old are you again? -Thirty, but who cares? 208 00:09:55,376 --> 00:09:58,376 -Why do you even wanna-- -Just sayin' Buzz and your mom… 209 00:09:58,459 --> 00:09:59,751 …trapped in the '60s. 210 00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:00,668 Oh my God. 211 00:10:00,751 --> 00:10:03,834 -Buzz Aldrin might be my dad? 212 00:10:03,918 --> 00:10:04,959 Moon guards. 213 00:10:05,043 --> 00:10:07,459 Hands off me, moon hippies. 214 00:10:07,543 --> 00:10:09,834 Your bullshit rock orbits my planet. 215 00:10:11,543 --> 00:10:14,043 I'm sorry about this, but your father is, 216 00:10:14,126 --> 00:10:15,584 excuse my moon lingo, 217 00:10:15,668 --> 00:10:17,126 a real shithead. 218 00:10:17,209 --> 00:10:19,709 We're gonna have to restrain him. Any objections? 219 00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:20,626 Ow! 220 00:10:20,709 --> 00:10:23,168 This won't be the first time I've arrested my dad. 221 00:10:23,251 --> 00:10:25,043 Just be glad he's wearing pants. 222 00:10:28,376 --> 00:10:31,459 How could you not tell me that my real father is Buzz Aldrin? 223 00:10:31,543 --> 00:10:34,959 -Because he's not. -It's been so obvious all along. 224 00:10:35,043 --> 00:10:37,501 Your intelligence, your leadership skills, 225 00:10:37,584 --> 00:10:39,751 your love of leaving footprints on things. 226 00:10:39,834 --> 00:10:41,209 Oh, this is so stupid. 227 00:10:41,293 --> 00:10:44,418 You want a dad who's cool and handsome and has perfect hair? 228 00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:47,084 Yes. I could be related to a national hero, 229 00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:48,959 instead of a guy whose biggest contribution 230 00:10:49,043 --> 00:10:51,834 is the Wendy's bags I find behind the toilet. 231 00:10:55,459 --> 00:10:57,334 So, are you gonna tell Buzz? 232 00:10:57,418 --> 00:10:59,959 No, not yet. I will not have two deadbeat dads in my life. 233 00:11:00,043 --> 00:11:02,168 -I need to make sure he's worth it first. 234 00:11:02,251 --> 00:11:04,543 If he is, then my next move is obvious. 235 00:11:04,626 --> 00:11:06,501 Fix the energy grid on his sex colony 236 00:11:06,584 --> 00:11:09,251 so he has no choice but to love me like a daughter. 237 00:11:09,334 --> 00:11:11,793 I would do the exact same thing. 238 00:11:11,876 --> 00:11:14,168 Daddy issues, yeah! 239 00:11:15,751 --> 00:11:18,501 Reagan, I'm damn happy you agreed to help. 240 00:11:18,584 --> 00:11:21,209 Of course. I just have a few quick diagnostic questions 241 00:11:21,293 --> 00:11:22,126 about the grid. 242 00:11:22,209 --> 00:11:26,376 So, what is your fuel source and your relationship to alcohol? 243 00:11:26,459 --> 00:11:27,626 I drink in moderation. 244 00:11:27,709 --> 00:11:31,334 I sleep standing up while jogging, and you have to stay hydrated for that. 245 00:11:31,418 --> 00:11:34,376 -Betty Crocker Christ! 246 00:11:35,876 --> 00:11:37,959 -What is that monstrosity? 247 00:11:38,043 --> 00:11:40,668 Moonworms. Where do you think craters come from? 248 00:11:40,751 --> 00:11:42,418 NASA's covered them up for years, 249 00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:44,918 just like the secret ninth planet Shmercury. 250 00:11:45,001 --> 00:11:48,043 -Thanks for the heads-up, NASA. 251 00:11:48,126 --> 00:11:52,251 I'm the second man on the moon, but I'll be the first to kick your ass. 252 00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:56,959 Tuck your shoulder, Reagan. 253 00:11:57,043 --> 00:11:58,168 Square your hips. 254 00:12:03,543 --> 00:12:04,459 -Hey. 255 00:12:04,543 --> 00:12:07,168 Incredible shooting, slugger. You're a natural. 256 00:12:07,251 --> 00:12:09,334 You just wrestled a moonworm. 257 00:12:09,418 --> 00:12:13,126 The only thing my dad wrestles with is the childproof cap on his Vicodin. 258 00:12:13,209 --> 00:12:16,126 You remind me of myself but female and younger. 259 00:12:16,209 --> 00:12:18,126 If only there was a word for that. 260 00:12:18,209 --> 00:12:19,626 -Uh-huh. 261 00:12:19,709 --> 00:12:21,793 -Oh, the Moon Day Fair! 262 00:12:21,876 --> 00:12:25,501 How about a detour for some floating root beer floats? 263 00:12:27,209 --> 00:12:29,126 Goddamn Aldrin. 264 00:12:29,209 --> 00:12:32,251 When I get free, I'll kick his ass from here to Shmercury. 265 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:35,793 I'm not a wires expert, but don't we need those to get home? 266 00:12:35,876 --> 00:12:38,543 Right now I need them to finish this DNA sequencer. 267 00:12:38,626 --> 00:12:41,918 It'll prove to Reagan that I'm her dad once and for all. 268 00:12:42,001 --> 00:12:44,084 Ah, an emotional mission. Love it. 269 00:12:44,168 --> 00:12:45,501 Screw you. I-- Wait. 270 00:12:47,251 --> 00:12:50,084 Aren't you gonna tell me that I'm a deadbeat asshole 271 00:12:50,168 --> 00:12:52,459 who makes Alec Baldwin look reasonable? 272 00:12:52,543 --> 00:12:53,793 Well, you're the genius, so… 273 00:12:53,876 --> 00:12:55,834 …how many wires do you need? 274 00:12:55,918 --> 00:12:57,626 Finally, some damn respect. 275 00:12:57,709 --> 00:13:00,709 Hey, any dad of my friend is a dad of mine. 276 00:13:00,793 --> 00:13:03,793 All right, let me out so we can raid the commune for parts. 277 00:13:03,876 --> 00:13:06,668 Come on, it'll be fun. We can replant that flag. 278 00:13:06,751 --> 00:13:09,876 Okay, but only if you tousle my hair approvingly. 279 00:13:09,959 --> 00:13:12,543 I still never got that "attaboy" from J.R. 280 00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:13,459 Deal. 281 00:13:14,751 --> 00:13:16,918 This means war. 282 00:13:17,001 --> 00:13:18,376 No, I got a better one. 283 00:13:18,459 --> 00:13:20,084 This means war. 284 00:13:20,168 --> 00:13:21,126 Sound colder. 285 00:13:21,209 --> 00:13:23,459 World War III is gonna be with Antarctica 286 00:13:23,543 --> 00:13:25,626 to get their precious walrus oil. 287 00:13:25,709 --> 00:13:26,959 Ugh. Next. 288 00:13:27,584 --> 00:13:29,668 I thought I told you to handle the Melvin problem! 289 00:13:29,751 --> 00:13:32,793 -He's just running late. -He's not late. He's on late night! 290 00:13:34,126 --> 00:13:37,001 So, Buzz, you said you had something special to share with us? 291 00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:39,501 That's right, Jimmy. And please, call me Melvin. 292 00:13:39,584 --> 00:13:43,001 I've just been playing Buzz Aldrin on behalf of the shadow government 293 00:13:43,084 --> 00:13:44,209 for 50 years, 294 00:13:44,293 --> 00:13:46,043 and now they wanna can me. 295 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,709 All the details are right here in this book I wrote 296 00:13:48,793 --> 00:13:51,626 and the sequel, If I Didn'tNew Moon. 297 00:13:51,709 --> 00:13:53,001 It gets a little steamy. 298 00:13:53,084 --> 00:13:54,334 Son of a bitch. 299 00:13:56,459 --> 00:13:59,668 That midlife crisis actor is gonna blow my standing with the Robes. 300 00:13:59,751 --> 00:14:01,209 Do something! 301 00:14:01,293 --> 00:14:03,793 Patch me through to sleeper agent 0816. 302 00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:05,668 -Code word, scene break. 303 00:14:05,751 --> 00:14:08,459 Okay, join us after the break when I will be… 304 00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,876 -…recalling Melvin. 305 00:14:11,376 --> 00:14:13,293 Fallon's a sleeper agent? 306 00:14:13,376 --> 00:14:15,334 Why do you think Fallon laughs all the time? 307 00:14:15,418 --> 00:14:17,209 The CIA broke his damn brain. 308 00:14:26,251 --> 00:14:28,251 Fuck! We finally met our match, 309 00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,918 and he's a 92-year-old man on roller skates. 310 00:14:32,543 --> 00:14:34,793 Reagan, you are a gas. 311 00:14:34,876 --> 00:14:37,626 Well, I sure hope I'm oxygen and not argon. 312 00:14:37,709 --> 00:14:40,543 -Oh! 313 00:14:40,626 --> 00:14:43,376 There. Buzz's DNA, ripe for the stealing. 314 00:14:43,876 --> 00:14:46,709 Brett, I'm gonna need your specific talents 315 00:14:46,793 --> 00:14:48,709 to root around in the garbage for it. 316 00:14:48,793 --> 00:14:50,501 Anything for you, Moon Daddy. 317 00:14:50,584 --> 00:14:52,168 Don't call me Moon Daddy. 318 00:14:54,084 --> 00:14:54,918 Ha ha! 319 00:14:55,001 --> 00:14:57,668 Hopefully, in 30 minutes, Reagan's fake-daddy fantasy 320 00:14:57,751 --> 00:15:00,168 will blow up faster than Apollo 1. 321 00:15:01,543 --> 00:15:04,626 Forgive the expression, Buzz, but you're so down-to-earth. 322 00:15:04,709 --> 00:15:07,168 Rand has never asked for my help with anything. 323 00:15:07,251 --> 00:15:09,584 Reagan, don't get stuck in his orbit. 324 00:15:09,668 --> 00:15:11,959 You can do amazing things on your own. 325 00:15:12,751 --> 00:15:15,168 -Done. 326 00:15:15,251 --> 00:15:17,251 Your energy is back online. 327 00:15:20,501 --> 00:15:22,251 Bravo, Reagan. 328 00:15:22,334 --> 00:15:24,168 I'm proud of you. 329 00:15:28,209 --> 00:15:29,584 Thanks, Dad. 330 00:15:33,543 --> 00:15:37,126 DNA results in 20 minutes. 331 00:15:37,209 --> 00:15:39,501 Ah! Stupid thing. Go faster. 332 00:15:39,584 --> 00:15:41,376 There it is! The flagpole. 333 00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:43,709 All right, make it quick. 334 00:15:43,793 --> 00:15:45,709 Night is when the moonworms feast. 335 00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:48,043 This is gonna kill on Snapchat. 336 00:15:48,626 --> 00:15:50,626 Rand, today has been fulfilling 337 00:15:50,709 --> 00:15:52,543 in ways I didn't think possible, 338 00:15:52,626 --> 00:15:55,584 and I was wondering if adult adoption is-- 339 00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:02,918 -Wait, what the hell? 340 00:16:03,001 --> 00:16:05,126 -Neil Armstrong? 341 00:16:05,209 --> 00:16:07,376 Buzz said he died of a sex injury. 342 00:16:08,209 --> 00:16:09,126 Oh my God! 343 00:16:09,209 --> 00:16:10,793 Neil Armstrong may be a thief, 344 00:16:10,876 --> 00:16:13,084 but Buzz Aldrin is a murderer. 345 00:16:13,168 --> 00:16:14,293 Where's Reagan? 346 00:16:15,793 --> 00:16:19,126 I have had such a great time with you today, Buzz, 347 00:16:19,209 --> 00:16:21,834 and there's something I've been meaning to share. 348 00:16:21,918 --> 00:16:24,043 I have something I wanna share too. 349 00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,043 This is phase two, 350 00:16:26,126 --> 00:16:28,668 expanding our city to the whole moon. 351 00:16:28,751 --> 00:16:30,418 Wow, free moon-iversity? 352 00:16:30,501 --> 00:16:31,709 Moon-iversal healthcare? 353 00:16:31,793 --> 00:16:33,668 A living moon-imum wage? 354 00:16:33,751 --> 00:16:35,876 Fuck, we are fucking up on Earth. 355 00:16:35,959 --> 00:16:38,418 But I can't make it happen alone. 356 00:16:38,918 --> 00:16:42,376 Are you saying you want me to stay up here forever? 357 00:16:42,459 --> 00:16:45,334 Do they really appreciate you back on Earth, Reagan? 358 00:16:45,418 --> 00:16:47,918 -Does your crew respect you? 359 00:16:48,918 --> 00:16:50,584 Boo! 360 00:16:51,126 --> 00:16:52,334 Does your family? 361 00:16:57,126 --> 00:16:59,084 This could be your destiny. 362 00:17:00,626 --> 00:17:02,043 Okay. What the hell. 363 00:17:02,126 --> 00:17:03,459 -Really? -Hell yeah. 364 00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:06,501 Earth is overrated. They're about to nuke Antarctica anyway. 365 00:17:06,584 --> 00:17:09,334 -For the walrus oil, I assume? -Very valuable oil. 366 00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:12,668 Buzz, I have something to tell you. 367 00:17:13,251 --> 00:17:15,126 -Listen, Buzz, I… I really… 368 00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:18,251 I don't know how to tell you this, 369 00:17:18,334 --> 00:17:21,334 but I think that I might be your… 370 00:17:21,418 --> 00:17:24,626 -Ah! What the fuck?! -You were gonna say moon-slut, right? 371 00:17:24,709 --> 00:17:26,876 Wait, what? Why would I call myself a moon-slut?! 372 00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:29,959 We went over this. You take a word, and you add "moon" in front of it? 373 00:17:30,043 --> 00:17:31,668 It's like a regular slut but on the moon. 374 00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,709 I know what a moon-slut is! 375 00:17:33,793 --> 00:17:36,876 I have been trying to tell you that I think I'm your daughter, 376 00:17:36,959 --> 00:17:38,001 you psycho! 377 00:17:38,084 --> 00:17:39,459 But that's, uh… 378 00:17:40,084 --> 00:17:40,918 Wow. 379 00:17:41,001 --> 00:17:43,793 I hope this won't get in the way of the deorbiting. 380 00:17:43,876 --> 00:17:45,001 The de-what now? 381 00:17:53,084 --> 00:17:54,418 -What the shit? 382 00:17:54,501 --> 00:17:56,459 -Did you just move the moon? -Negatory. 383 00:17:56,543 --> 00:18:00,084 You did, thanks to those nifty fuel cells you installed for me. 384 00:18:00,168 --> 00:18:01,251 Ah, shit. 385 00:18:01,834 --> 00:18:05,168 For too long, the moon has been in the Earth's shadow. 386 00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:09,084 It's time to reveal our superior society to the world 387 00:18:09,168 --> 00:18:13,168 by finally breaking the hell out of Earth's orbit. 388 00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,751 No moon? There will be no tide. 389 00:18:15,834 --> 00:18:17,584 Half the globe will be flooded. 390 00:18:17,668 --> 00:18:20,293 What will wolves howl at? 391 00:18:20,376 --> 00:18:21,293 Who cares? 392 00:18:21,376 --> 00:18:23,084 You're a fucking psycho. 393 00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:24,918 That's what Neil said. 394 00:18:25,001 --> 00:18:26,959 You may need a time-out. 395 00:18:32,584 --> 00:18:34,418 Moon guards, get her! 396 00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:47,293 Stand down, Melvin. 397 00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:49,043 How did you find me? 398 00:18:49,126 --> 00:18:51,751 It's all in your book. You ever hear of editing? 399 00:18:51,834 --> 00:18:55,709 I called it a tell-all, and I meant it. I'd rather die as a fake hero 400 00:18:55,793 --> 00:18:57,168 than live washed-up. 401 00:18:57,251 --> 00:18:58,626 Sweet Michael Bay, 402 00:18:58,709 --> 00:19:00,334 we're all getting washed-up! 403 00:19:00,418 --> 00:19:03,334 -Huh? 404 00:19:04,084 --> 00:19:06,293 -Buzz Aldrin is evil! 405 00:19:06,376 --> 00:19:07,543 Wait, you agree with me? 406 00:19:07,626 --> 00:19:10,209 He's trying to pull the moon out of Earth's orbit. 407 00:19:10,293 --> 00:19:12,376 And he's villainously horny. 408 00:19:12,459 --> 00:19:14,293 -She knows our plans! 409 00:19:14,376 --> 00:19:15,959 Don't let her get away! 410 00:19:21,709 --> 00:19:24,251 In 15 minutes, we'll know who the real father is. 411 00:19:24,334 --> 00:19:26,501 In 15 minutes, the gravitational disturbance 412 00:19:26,584 --> 00:19:28,418 will be enough to drown every continent. 413 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,001 We need to shut down the grid. 414 00:19:30,084 --> 00:19:33,709 That sounds, um, time-sensitive. Can you guys pimp this thing out? 415 00:19:33,793 --> 00:19:35,168 -Fine. 416 00:19:35,251 --> 00:19:37,459 All I wanted was a couple of days away from you. 417 00:19:37,543 --> 00:19:40,459 Yeah, and look what happened. You get duped by a con artist 418 00:19:40,543 --> 00:19:42,543 and almost destroy the Earth to win his approval. 419 00:19:42,626 --> 00:19:43,959 -Hand me-- -Flush cutters? 420 00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:47,793 Oh, I can't imagine why I chased a fantasy of a supportive father. 421 00:19:47,876 --> 00:19:50,209 -I need the-- -Spanner wrench. Unsupportive? 422 00:19:50,293 --> 00:19:53,168 I built an entire DNA tester out of garbage 423 00:19:53,251 --> 00:19:54,626 just to prove you're my daughter. 424 00:19:54,709 --> 00:19:55,584 A nice gesture 425 00:19:55,668 --> 00:19:59,084 if I didn't know it was more about being right than being my father. 426 00:19:59,168 --> 00:20:00,918 -Can't it be both? 427 00:20:04,168 --> 00:20:06,001 Brett, fend them off for as long as you can. 428 00:20:06,668 --> 00:20:09,459 DNA results in two minutes. 429 00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:11,793 Here we go. 430 00:20:14,126 --> 00:20:15,126 Get them! 431 00:20:19,584 --> 00:20:22,293 Oh God. Sorry. Sorry, I don't know how I did that. 432 00:20:22,376 --> 00:20:25,543 Less force on the moon means their muscles atrophied. 433 00:20:25,626 --> 00:20:27,584 -You've got-- -Earth strength! 434 00:20:29,501 --> 00:20:31,793 Wax on, wane off. 435 00:20:33,043 --> 00:20:34,501 See you crater. 436 00:20:38,459 --> 00:20:41,084 Welcome to Earth… on the moon. 437 00:20:41,626 --> 00:20:42,626 Shit. 438 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,709 Can anyone capture this historic moment? 439 00:20:46,543 --> 00:20:47,834 All done over here. 440 00:20:47,918 --> 00:20:51,251 You know, it's a shame to undo all the great work you've done here. 441 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,376 The reason I'm always hard on your inventions is to push you 442 00:20:55,459 --> 00:20:57,126 to be better than I was. 443 00:20:57,209 --> 00:21:00,334 -I maybe should have told you that sooner. 444 00:21:00,418 --> 00:21:02,334 The truth is I'm a sad asshole 445 00:21:02,418 --> 00:21:05,084 who blew his career and his shot at fatherhood, 446 00:21:05,168 --> 00:21:06,626 and you deserve better. 447 00:21:10,293 --> 00:21:13,043 -No traitor could be a daughter of mine. 448 00:21:13,126 --> 00:21:16,543 Buzz, you are the father. 449 00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:19,918 -Whoa, it's actually true? 450 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:36,376 Ha ha! Suck my Earth ass, Buzz. 451 00:21:39,126 --> 00:21:41,251 Wait, why is everyone looking so crestfallen? 452 00:21:42,751 --> 00:21:45,126 -No, it can't be true. 453 00:21:45,793 --> 00:21:48,876 Whether you're my dad or not, we are taking you back to Earth. 454 00:21:48,959 --> 00:21:51,293 I left Earth to beat a paternity test. 455 00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:53,168 -Not getting suckered in again! 456 00:21:53,251 --> 00:21:56,334 There's plenty of moons out there to conquer, 457 00:21:56,418 --> 00:21:59,376 and this time I'll be first. 458 00:21:59,459 --> 00:22:01,251 Screw you, asshole. 459 00:22:05,084 --> 00:22:07,001 He tried to kill us. Don't salute him. 460 00:22:07,084 --> 00:22:08,334 He's still Buzz Aldrin. 461 00:22:08,418 --> 00:22:11,084 Just think, how many people have walked on the moon? 462 00:22:11,168 --> 00:22:12,334 All of us. 463 00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:16,168 A device that can control the moon. 464 00:22:16,251 --> 00:22:18,834 Gotta make sure this doesn't fall into the wrong hands. 465 00:22:19,334 --> 00:22:20,751 Earth warriors, 466 00:22:20,834 --> 00:22:23,334 you freed us from the tyranny of the Moon King. 467 00:22:23,418 --> 00:22:24,751 We'll take it from here. 468 00:22:24,834 --> 00:22:26,918 Have fun. Don't invent Facebook. 469 00:22:28,668 --> 00:22:31,334 Melvin, it's time to let go of the spotlight. 470 00:22:31,418 --> 00:22:34,126 It was never about the spotlight for me. 471 00:22:34,209 --> 00:22:36,209 It was an honor just to play a part. 472 00:22:36,293 --> 00:22:38,376 Oh, just drop me off in midtown. 473 00:22:38,459 --> 00:22:41,084 There's a cattle call for an adult-diaper commercial. 474 00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:45,584 Gigi, change of plans. We need Melvin back. 475 00:22:45,668 --> 00:22:48,001 -I hear you loud and clear. 476 00:22:48,084 --> 00:22:49,209 We got renewed! 477 00:22:49,293 --> 00:22:51,876 -My goodness, this is great! -Hollywood happy ending! 478 00:22:51,959 --> 00:22:54,709 The moon landing was fake. 479 00:22:54,793 --> 00:22:56,584 I am back, folks. 480 00:23:00,043 --> 00:23:01,668 Sweet. Free space dog. 481 00:23:03,209 --> 00:23:05,834 Look, this whole thing with Buzz, it doesn't matter. 482 00:23:05,918 --> 00:23:08,626 You're the reason why I am who I am. 483 00:23:08,709 --> 00:23:10,876 I'll always think of you as a daughter. 484 00:23:11,376 --> 00:23:13,209 I just hope, in time, 485 00:23:13,709 --> 00:23:16,334 you could still be a compatible organ donor. 486 00:23:16,418 --> 00:23:19,584 -Hey, this has the wrong microchip. -What the hell, dill-hole? 487 00:23:19,668 --> 00:23:21,793 I told you to pull out the left microchip. 488 00:23:21,876 --> 00:23:23,126 Isn't the moon like Australia? 489 00:23:23,209 --> 00:23:25,793 Like, everything's upside down, so left would be right here. 490 00:23:25,876 --> 00:23:27,209 Damn it, Brett! 491 00:23:29,001 --> 00:23:31,876 Rand, you are the father. 492 00:23:31,959 --> 00:23:33,334 -What? -I knew it. 493 00:23:33,418 --> 00:23:36,084 You got half your mother's genes and half blessed with mine. 494 00:23:36,168 --> 00:23:39,126 Actually, I tweaked your DNA in the womb, so it's more like 60/40. 495 00:23:39,209 --> 00:23:41,126 Didn't want you getting too much of her judginess. 496 00:23:41,209 --> 00:23:43,293 Jesus, Dad, not okay. 497 00:23:43,376 --> 00:23:45,168 Well, obviously, it didn't work. 498 00:23:45,251 --> 00:23:46,209 Come on. 499 00:23:46,293 --> 00:23:48,251 Let's just enjoy the ride home, huh? 500 00:23:48,334 --> 00:23:49,918 -Road trip! 501 00:23:55,626 --> 00:23:57,751 -Hi there. I'm Magic Myc. 502 00:23:57,834 --> 00:24:00,418 If you're enjoying this at home, we've had some fun tonight, 503 00:24:00,501 --> 00:24:03,168 but the truth is, the moon landing was real. 504 00:24:03,251 --> 00:24:06,209 So on behalf of Inside Job, let me just say… 505 00:24:06,293 --> 00:24:09,334 Don't sue us, Buzz Aldrin.