1 00:00:09,751 --> 00:00:12,834 And one thing led to another, 2 00:00:12,918 --> 00:00:15,001 and now I'm gonna have to find a new pool boy. 3 00:00:15,084 --> 00:00:18,126 You hooked up with the guy who cleans your drains? 4 00:00:18,209 --> 00:00:21,709 Let's just say Rodrigo did a very thorough job. 5 00:00:21,793 --> 00:00:25,168 -Shame I'm dumping him for his cousin. 6 00:00:25,251 --> 00:00:27,334 Oh hey, now that he's available, 7 00:00:27,418 --> 00:00:29,918 he can be your plus-one to my next book signing. 8 00:00:30,001 --> 00:00:33,001 Why would I wanna date your hand-me-down boy toy? 9 00:00:33,084 --> 00:00:36,668 I don't wanna sound elitist, but he's covered in vegetable oil. 10 00:00:36,751 --> 00:00:40,459 You haven't had a serious boyfriend since college, and it's worrying. 11 00:00:40,543 --> 00:00:41,876 I'm single by choice, 12 00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:46,918 because I have a fulfilling career where I am doing really important things. 13 00:00:47,001 --> 00:00:49,918 In conclusion, by duct-taping a bunch of drones together, 14 00:00:50,001 --> 00:00:53,209 you get the Drone Throne! 15 00:00:53,293 --> 00:00:55,001 God bless America! 16 00:00:58,626 --> 00:00:59,793 Great news, everyone! 17 00:00:59,876 --> 00:01:02,751 We've officially purchased the dating app RightSwipe. 18 00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:05,876 We now have a blackmailer's ransom in personal data. 19 00:01:05,959 --> 00:01:07,293 Oh my God, 20 00:01:07,376 --> 00:01:09,584 it's every profile in DC. 21 00:01:09,668 --> 00:01:10,793 Including Myc's? 22 00:01:10,876 --> 00:01:13,043 Huh, "Mold diggers swipe left." 23 00:01:13,126 --> 00:01:15,668 Andre identifies as alwayssexual? 24 00:01:15,751 --> 00:01:18,668 Surprise, surprise, it says Gigi's attracted to power. 25 00:01:18,751 --> 00:01:20,834 Power is attracted to me, honey. 26 00:01:20,918 --> 00:01:23,834 With all this user data, we finally have enough dick pics 27 00:01:23,918 --> 00:01:25,959 to blackmail the two remaining branches of government… 28 00:01:26,043 --> 00:01:26,876 Ugh! 29 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:29,418 …we don't control. Reagan, I want you working late 30 00:01:29,501 --> 00:01:30,918 sorting through these dicks. 31 00:01:31,001 --> 00:01:32,293 Yes, sir. 32 00:01:32,376 --> 00:01:35,209 Three-to-one odds it's the first dick she's seen in months. 33 00:01:35,293 --> 00:01:38,043 -Oh, I'll take that action. -Oh, hell yeah, that's easy money. 34 00:01:38,126 --> 00:01:40,168 -What the hell? What is that? 35 00:01:40,251 --> 00:01:42,168 Are you betting on my dating life? 36 00:01:42,251 --> 00:01:44,376 More like winning on your dating life. 37 00:01:44,459 --> 00:01:47,293 -Four-to-one she dies alone. -Sorry, Reagan, nothing personal. 38 00:01:47,376 --> 00:01:49,834 Well, we're gambling on when you'll finally get a boyfriend… 39 00:01:49,918 --> 00:01:52,209 …so I guess it's incredibly personal. 40 00:01:52,293 --> 00:01:55,959 Ugh, why is everyone so obsessed with me getting a boyfriend? 41 00:01:57,001 --> 00:01:58,043 When she said "boyfriend," 42 00:01:58,126 --> 00:02:00,668 she was picturing the older brother from Boy Meets World. 43 00:02:00,751 --> 00:02:01,834 That's how long it's been. 44 00:02:01,918 --> 00:02:05,918 I can't imagine you with a guy. Don't you reproduce by cell division? 45 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:09,084 Fine. How about this for a bet? I'm changing this week's mission. 46 00:02:09,168 --> 00:02:12,793 Double or nothing, I'll have a boyfriend by next week. 47 00:02:12,876 --> 00:02:15,334 Then maybe you idiots will stop gossiping about me 48 00:02:15,418 --> 00:02:16,834 and focus on work for once. 49 00:02:18,376 --> 00:02:19,959 -There. See? 50 00:02:20,043 --> 00:02:23,168 -DC, prepare to date Reagan Ridley. 51 00:02:27,043 --> 00:02:28,043 Subtle. 52 00:02:51,334 --> 00:02:54,168 Fine, J.R., I'll vote to loosen regulations again. 53 00:02:54,251 --> 00:02:56,959 Just keep those pictures private. I'm a Republican. 54 00:02:57,043 --> 00:03:00,251 I have no shame except for the deep-rooted sexual kind. 55 00:03:00,334 --> 00:03:01,709 So, first date. 56 00:03:01,793 --> 00:03:03,876 Is it sweaty in here, or is it just me? 57 00:03:04,459 --> 00:03:06,168 Oh, this is just some work stuff. 58 00:03:06,251 --> 00:03:08,251 -My job is a secret. Secret stuff. -Uh… 59 00:03:08,334 --> 00:03:10,959 And, uh, if I told you, you'd have to die. 60 00:03:13,959 --> 00:03:16,959 I'm so glad we matched. Honestly, I-- 61 00:03:17,043 --> 00:03:18,501 What are you doing? 62 00:03:18,584 --> 00:03:20,751 -Just a quick DNA scan. 63 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:23,834 Great, you're a good genetic match. Now, where were we? 64 00:03:23,918 --> 00:03:26,334 -I was just leaving. 65 00:03:27,293 --> 00:03:30,834 Jason Bourne is about to be Bourne again. 66 00:03:30,918 --> 00:03:32,501 The Bourne Redundancy. 67 00:03:32,584 --> 00:03:35,209 It's more than you Bourgained for. 68 00:03:35,293 --> 00:03:36,209 Bourne, Bourne, Bourne. 69 00:03:36,293 --> 00:03:38,543 Bourne, Bourne, Bourne. Bourne. Bourne. 70 00:03:38,626 --> 00:03:40,418 Bourne! 71 00:03:40,501 --> 00:03:42,751 This movie is so unrealistic. 72 00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:47,418 Everybody knows that the shadow government killed the real Jason Bourne years ago. 73 00:03:47,501 --> 00:03:49,209 Huh? The shadow government? 74 00:03:49,293 --> 00:03:50,126 Oh shit. 75 00:03:50,209 --> 00:03:52,043 We're gonna need an extraction team. 76 00:03:57,251 --> 00:03:59,043 -Hey, line up! -Put me down for 5 Gs! 77 00:03:59,126 --> 00:04:00,376 What are you betting on now? 78 00:04:00,459 --> 00:04:03,001 It turns out RightSwipe keeps an attractiveness score 79 00:04:03,084 --> 00:04:04,084 for every user. 80 00:04:04,168 --> 00:04:05,334 Brett's a perfect ten. 81 00:04:05,418 --> 00:04:07,459 It's an honor just to be objectified. 82 00:04:07,543 --> 00:04:09,251 What am I? Wait, don't tell me. 83 00:04:09,334 --> 00:04:12,626 Subtract a point for being divorced, add one for being a veteran. 84 00:04:12,709 --> 00:04:14,376 Then there's the face. 85 00:04:14,459 --> 00:04:16,459 But I got a lot of baseball cards, so… 86 00:04:16,543 --> 00:04:18,709 -A goddamn zero? 87 00:04:19,793 --> 00:04:22,876 How's that even possible? It's on a one-to-ten scale! 88 00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:25,668 Those numbers don't mean anything. It's about what's in your heart. 89 00:04:25,751 --> 00:04:26,918 Says you, Hemsworth. 90 00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:30,043 If I could coast on my looks like you, I'd be on easy street. 91 00:04:30,126 --> 00:04:33,626 Gigi, you don't think people just like me for my looks, do you? I mean… 92 00:04:33,709 --> 00:04:37,584 Sweetie, don't frown. It ruins the part of you that people like. 93 00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:41,626 Ever since I merged my DNA with a dolphin, my life has been shit! 94 00:04:41,709 --> 00:04:44,126 When I try to unlock my phone with my face, 95 00:04:44,209 --> 00:04:45,793 it sends out an Amber Alert. 96 00:04:45,876 --> 00:04:48,668 I bet if you had to live a week with this mug, 97 00:04:48,751 --> 00:04:51,126 you'd be begging me to switch back. 98 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:53,709 We'll take that action! 99 00:04:54,751 --> 00:04:55,793 I don't get it. 100 00:04:55,876 --> 00:04:58,959 I've been rejected by almost every man in DC. 101 00:04:59,043 --> 00:05:01,459 I can't give my coworkers the satisfaction 102 00:05:01,543 --> 00:05:03,793 of watching me fail out of the gene pool. 103 00:05:03,876 --> 00:05:06,459 Typical humans, worried about gene pools. 104 00:05:06,543 --> 00:05:08,876 I have the ability to simulate worlds, 105 00:05:08,959 --> 00:05:11,168 and you're trying to make me the Monica to your Rachel. 106 00:05:11,251 --> 00:05:12,751 Binging Friends, are we? 107 00:05:12,834 --> 00:05:14,168 No. Maybe. 108 00:05:14,251 --> 00:05:16,751 They have winning chemistry. I'm not made of stone. 109 00:05:16,834 --> 00:05:19,501 You know, I have all of RightSwipe's user data. 110 00:05:19,584 --> 00:05:23,501 Between the two of us, we could build the perfect dating algorithm. 111 00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:26,543 I have a literal galaxy brain. This task is beneath me. 112 00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:28,459 Your own legs aren't even beneath you. 113 00:05:28,543 --> 00:05:31,543 Please. If you help me, I'll let you watch the second season. 114 00:05:31,626 --> 00:05:34,418 You mean I could find out if Chandler finally gets that end table? 115 00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,876 Well-played, Reagan. 116 00:05:35,959 --> 00:05:38,334 A tasty little quid pro quo. 117 00:05:39,043 --> 00:05:40,293 Y'all are swapping faces. 118 00:05:40,376 --> 00:05:42,709 First man to ask for their face back loses. 119 00:05:42,793 --> 00:05:44,293 -Any questions? -Are you kidding? 120 00:05:44,376 --> 00:05:45,834 Just get this face off of me! 121 00:05:45,918 --> 00:05:47,668 Yes, Face/Off! 122 00:05:47,751 --> 00:05:50,084 That's my favorite movie where faces come off. 123 00:05:50,168 --> 00:05:52,459 This is gonna take a lot of anesthetic. 124 00:05:56,668 --> 00:05:58,918 All right, let's do some John Woo shit. 125 00:06:24,959 --> 00:06:28,584 Oh, wow. I have got to stop basing my surgeries on movies. 126 00:06:28,668 --> 00:06:31,876 Let's just swap your brains. Freaky Friday, baby! 127 00:06:37,626 --> 00:06:38,459 I did it. 128 00:06:38,543 --> 00:06:41,126 It almost destroyed me, but I found you a match. 129 00:06:41,209 --> 00:06:43,084 I'll try not to take that personally. 130 00:06:43,168 --> 00:06:45,459 -Bryan Jacobsen, 32. 131 00:06:45,543 --> 00:06:49,001 He lives in DC, teaches programming to underprivileged children, 132 00:06:49,084 --> 00:06:50,418 and never had a female roommate, 133 00:06:50,501 --> 00:06:52,709 so he'll have nothing to compare your house to. 134 00:06:52,793 --> 00:06:55,459 And he doesn't mind wildly ambitious women? 135 00:06:55,543 --> 00:06:59,334 He's your perfect match. He's turned on by being talked over. 136 00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:02,418 Hmm. What should I message him? I need an opening line. 137 00:07:02,501 --> 00:07:05,293 Enter the Reagan Dome! No, not that. 138 00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,876 Oh my God, he already messaged me! 139 00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:10,876 He wants to go on a date. What should I say? 140 00:07:10,959 --> 00:07:15,584 Say yes. You're a 99.999% match. Even you can't screw this up. 141 00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:18,376 I don't know. The last boyfriend I could see a future with 142 00:07:18,459 --> 00:07:21,584 said that he'd love me for as long as Pluto was a planet. 143 00:07:21,668 --> 00:07:23,668 I'm pretty sure he knew what was coming. 144 00:07:23,751 --> 00:07:25,459 I need this date to go perfectly. 145 00:07:25,543 --> 00:07:28,543 If only I could go on a practice date so I'm ready. 146 00:07:28,626 --> 00:07:30,751 Well, you're not practicing on me. 147 00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:34,126 -Practice my date on a robot. -No, that's not what I meant. 148 00:07:34,209 --> 00:07:37,209 Practice on a robot. Heard you say it. I'm already committed to it. 149 00:07:37,293 --> 00:07:39,418 Are you trying to torture me? 150 00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:45,959 Hey, Bryan. I'm Reagan. 151 00:07:47,209 --> 00:07:49,084 -Oh my God. Am I dead? -No. 152 00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:50,709 Is this hell? Are you the devil? 153 00:07:50,793 --> 00:07:52,793 -The devil is a woman in a scrunchie! -Uh… 154 00:07:52,876 --> 00:07:54,126 -Hold on. 155 00:07:54,209 --> 00:07:55,918 Okay, let's try that again. 156 00:07:56,959 --> 00:08:00,376 Awareness down, reactivity down, 157 00:08:00,459 --> 00:08:01,501 hair down. 158 00:08:02,501 --> 00:08:05,209 Oh, hey. We've got to stop meeting like this. 159 00:08:05,293 --> 00:08:07,168 Not too bad for a night's work. 160 00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:09,084 I think he's ready for a test date. 161 00:08:09,168 --> 00:08:11,418 Or you could just go on a date with the real Bryan. 162 00:08:11,501 --> 00:08:12,626 But what do I know? 163 00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:16,168 I'm only a Wi-Fi connection away from being an actual god. 164 00:08:16,251 --> 00:08:18,709 Bryan-bot, you wanna get some dinner? 165 00:08:18,793 --> 00:08:22,334 Sure. I can't process food, but I can mash it in my face hole. 166 00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:25,418 Well, that was pretty painless, for me. 167 00:08:25,501 --> 00:08:27,334 -Glenn, are you crying? 168 00:08:27,418 --> 00:08:30,918 I'm beautiful. Fox News anchor beautiful. 169 00:08:31,001 --> 00:08:34,084 And I'm about to prove that ugly is the new hot. 170 00:08:34,168 --> 00:08:36,376 Question. Is my blowhole supposed to hurt? 171 00:08:36,459 --> 00:08:38,709 Yeah, it's a fucking hole in your head. 172 00:08:38,793 --> 00:08:42,001 Give me your phone. I got ten years of Tinder to catch up on. 173 00:08:47,043 --> 00:08:48,001 Nice. 174 00:08:48,084 --> 00:08:51,251 -This restaurant is perfect. 175 00:08:51,334 --> 00:08:53,376 It's my favorite, I think. 176 00:08:53,459 --> 00:08:55,959 Wait, are my memories just implanted lies? 177 00:08:56,043 --> 00:08:59,334 -Oh shit. The real Bryan. 178 00:08:59,418 --> 00:09:02,293 He can't see me while I'm beta-dating his robo-double. 179 00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:03,501 We need to leave. 180 00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:06,043 Why is romance so complicated? 181 00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:11,501 Reagan? 182 00:09:11,584 --> 00:09:12,543 Reagan? 183 00:09:12,626 --> 00:09:15,293 Sorry, I just working in the back, 184 00:09:15,376 --> 00:09:18,001 being super Italian. 185 00:09:18,084 --> 00:09:20,459 Sbarro! Mario Kart! 186 00:09:21,543 --> 00:09:23,168 Well, I'll be seeing you. 187 00:09:25,668 --> 00:09:27,668 Hey, Reagan. Everything go okay in there? 188 00:09:27,751 --> 00:09:30,709 I missed my only shot with my one true match, 189 00:09:30,793 --> 00:09:33,709 and I'm expecting at least a written warning 190 00:09:33,793 --> 00:09:36,168 from the Italian Anti-Defamation League. 191 00:09:36,251 --> 00:09:37,793 God, maybe everybody's right. 192 00:09:37,876 --> 00:09:41,126 I'm gonna go home and shop for a casket online. 193 00:09:41,209 --> 00:09:43,043 What if you didn't have to? 194 00:09:43,126 --> 00:09:46,543 Listen, I had a great time with you. I've never had so much fun 195 00:09:46,626 --> 00:09:49,126 in the entire four hours and 38 minutes I've been alive. 196 00:09:49,209 --> 00:09:51,543 I might not be the real thing, 197 00:09:51,626 --> 00:09:53,001 but at least I'm something. 198 00:09:53,084 --> 00:09:54,376 You mean, me and… 199 00:09:54,876 --> 00:09:56,709 Oh. 200 00:09:56,793 --> 00:09:59,709 Dating my own robot? That is… 201 00:10:00,209 --> 00:10:02,084 -Wow. 202 00:10:06,751 --> 00:10:08,084 Wanna go back to my place? 203 00:10:08,168 --> 00:10:10,959 We could forget about this date and just chill. 204 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:12,126 I would love that. 205 00:10:15,959 --> 00:10:17,793 Sorry, sir, you can't shop here. 206 00:10:17,876 --> 00:10:20,168 Excuse me? I'm trying to get back out there, 207 00:10:20,251 --> 00:10:23,376 and I need new clothes due to an extremely impractical surgery. 208 00:10:23,459 --> 00:10:25,084 Uh, no, you misunderstand. 209 00:10:25,168 --> 00:10:27,376 You're far too attractive to shop here. 210 00:10:27,459 --> 00:10:29,418 We do, however, need a model. 211 00:10:29,501 --> 00:10:32,584 Really? I've only ever been photoshopped out of pictures. 212 00:10:32,668 --> 00:10:35,293 Nadia, what do you think of our friend here? 213 00:10:35,376 --> 00:10:38,418 He's got the cheekbones, shoulders of a Greek god. 214 00:10:38,501 --> 00:10:41,168 -Perfect nipple-to-areola ratio. 215 00:10:41,251 --> 00:10:43,501 You're kidding. You've never modeled before? 216 00:10:43,584 --> 00:10:46,209 I did appear on a poster for a circus once. 217 00:10:46,293 --> 00:10:48,168 I hope this isn't unprofessional. 218 00:10:48,251 --> 00:10:51,376 Would you like to have sex with me behind that mannequin? 219 00:10:51,459 --> 00:10:54,084 Hot dog! Could this day get any better? 220 00:10:54,168 --> 00:10:56,293 Sorry, folks, my Brink's truck got a flat. 221 00:10:56,376 --> 00:10:59,501 I'm not gonna be able to jack it up unless I give away some of this money. 222 00:10:59,584 --> 00:11:01,543 Hey, you look like a man who already has money 223 00:11:01,626 --> 00:11:03,418 but deserves more anyway. 224 00:11:04,959 --> 00:11:07,001 No, you're too beautiful to cry. 225 00:11:09,376 --> 00:11:13,251 Move over, yesterday. Today's my new favorite day to be alive. 226 00:11:13,334 --> 00:11:16,126 I'll have a nonfat, triple-foam tapiocchiato. 227 00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,043 -That'll be six bucks. 228 00:11:18,126 --> 00:11:20,459 Usually when I come in here, I get it for free. 229 00:11:20,543 --> 00:11:23,168 I'm so sorry to bother you. Do you think you could spot me? 230 00:11:23,251 --> 00:11:25,376 How could you say no to a smile like this? 231 00:11:25,459 --> 00:11:28,084 -A sex pervert! 232 00:11:28,834 --> 00:11:31,043 -Ow! Ow! Ow! 233 00:11:31,126 --> 00:11:34,626 -Mommy, I'm scared of the Animorph! 234 00:11:34,709 --> 00:11:37,668 I am not an Animorph! 235 00:11:37,751 --> 00:11:40,376 I am a human being. 236 00:11:40,876 --> 00:11:41,709 Sort of. 237 00:11:42,293 --> 00:11:45,584 Who's got two thumbs and is about to win your bet? 238 00:11:45,668 --> 00:11:48,168 -Hey-o, bitches! -Hey. 239 00:11:48,251 --> 00:11:51,751 Holy Christ, it's finally happening. She's fucking a robot. 240 00:11:51,834 --> 00:11:54,959 Reagan, honey, you really think one of your science experiments 241 00:11:55,043 --> 00:11:56,376 is boyfriend material? 242 00:11:56,459 --> 00:11:59,668 Gigi, I made him out of literal boyfriend material. 243 00:11:59,751 --> 00:12:00,709 Isn't that right, babe? 244 00:12:00,793 --> 00:12:03,126 I'm programmed to agree with you, so yes, babe. 245 00:12:03,209 --> 00:12:04,668 Good Lord, this is sad. 246 00:12:04,751 --> 00:12:07,834 While everyone else is wasting their lives swiping, 247 00:12:07,918 --> 00:12:10,626 I created the perfect man who will never disappoint me. 248 00:12:10,709 --> 00:12:12,418 He even has two settings. 249 00:12:12,501 --> 00:12:14,334 -Netflix and chill. 250 00:12:14,418 --> 00:12:16,001 -Let's watch Planet Earth. 251 00:12:16,084 --> 00:12:18,209 Let's watch Planet Earth on mute. 252 00:12:18,293 --> 00:12:21,251 Yikes. Fine, all right. You clearly need this more than I do. 253 00:12:21,334 --> 00:12:22,501 Everyone hear that? 254 00:12:22,584 --> 00:12:24,626 -Reagan solved romance! 255 00:12:24,709 --> 00:12:27,334 -Ah! 256 00:12:27,418 --> 00:12:31,459 -Wanna go home and put on sweatpants? -You understand me. 257 00:12:32,751 --> 00:12:35,793 She wants an open floor plan. He wants a divorce. 258 00:12:35,876 --> 00:12:38,751 This is it, domestic bliss. 259 00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:41,918 People really are their best selves when they don't have to try. 260 00:12:42,001 --> 00:12:44,584 I was thinking, now that things are getting serious, 261 00:12:44,668 --> 00:12:46,376 I want you to meet my mother. 262 00:12:46,459 --> 00:12:48,334 That's funny. In a way, you're kind of my-- 263 00:12:48,418 --> 00:12:51,168 -Okay, too ambitious for a Saturday. 264 00:12:53,959 --> 00:12:55,668 Do you wanna order Postmates 265 00:12:55,751 --> 00:12:58,459 and scroll through Instagram Stories of people we hate? 266 00:12:58,543 --> 00:12:59,668 More than anything. 267 00:13:03,334 --> 00:13:05,501 Brett Hand speaking. How may you help me? 268 00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:09,418 Oh my God, you were right, okay? I have been laughed at, hunted for sport, 269 00:13:09,501 --> 00:13:11,418 and a cop told me that I had to sleep outside 270 00:13:11,501 --> 00:13:13,501 'cause my apartment's a hundred yards from a school. 271 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:14,834 Say no more, kid. 272 00:13:14,918 --> 00:13:17,418 Honestly, I'm impressed you're still alive. 273 00:13:17,501 --> 00:13:19,418 -So we can switch back early? -Hell no. 274 00:13:19,501 --> 00:13:23,084 I'm hot and rich, and you're now a registered sex offender with my face. 275 00:13:23,168 --> 00:13:25,418 -Do the math! -Can this day get any worse? 276 00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:27,126 Oh, it can, and it will. 277 00:13:27,209 --> 00:13:29,543 You gotta go to my ex-wife's house. 278 00:13:29,626 --> 00:13:32,876 We have a deal. Once a month, she gets to scream at me for an hour 279 00:13:32,959 --> 00:13:34,459 as part of our divorce settlement. 280 00:13:34,543 --> 00:13:37,584 It can get physical, though, so I'd wear a cup. 281 00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:40,334 -No, no, no! 282 00:13:44,168 --> 00:13:48,001 Hey, four-eyes, who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my living room? 283 00:13:48,084 --> 00:13:50,459 -Uh, I'm the new boyfriend. -Since when? 284 00:13:50,543 --> 00:13:53,293 I don't know, dude, whenever. Hey, can I have 20 bucks? 285 00:13:53,376 --> 00:13:56,668 Listen up, shitbird, I'm the one who asks for money in this house. 286 00:13:56,751 --> 00:13:58,584 Dad, I see you've met Bryan-bot. 287 00:14:00,001 --> 00:14:01,668 He completes me. 288 00:14:01,751 --> 00:14:04,209 I visit Julian Assange for two days, 289 00:14:04,293 --> 00:14:07,376 and this whole place goes to hell. I'm out of here. 290 00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:08,459 It's been two days? 291 00:14:08,543 --> 00:14:10,709 Oh God, I gotta get some work done. 292 00:14:10,793 --> 00:14:13,209 But I thought you were gonna do my repairs today. 293 00:14:13,293 --> 00:14:15,626 Fine, I'll fire up the 3D printer. 294 00:14:17,418 --> 00:14:20,918 Looks like I need to hop back to the office to get more printer juice. 295 00:14:21,001 --> 00:14:23,459 All right. I'll be here explaining Bitcoin to people on Reddit. 296 00:14:23,543 --> 00:14:25,834 What's to explain? It's digital money. 297 00:14:25,918 --> 00:14:27,084 Yeah. 298 00:14:27,168 --> 00:14:28,334 "Digital money." 299 00:14:28,418 --> 00:14:30,293 It's a lifestyle, babe. 300 00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:34,209 Is this what my life is now? 301 00:14:34,293 --> 00:14:37,334 Marathoning epic fail videos with Brian-bot? 302 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:40,376 That's what happens when you're too afraid to date a real human. 303 00:14:40,459 --> 00:14:43,459 No, I'm not afraid. I'm a relationship pioneer. 304 00:14:43,543 --> 00:14:46,543 -I'm like the settlers. -Yeah, you're settling all right. 305 00:14:46,626 --> 00:14:49,251 Play whatever mind games you want. I'm not scared. 306 00:14:49,334 --> 00:14:51,418 I'll text the real Bryan right now. 307 00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:54,876 Very healthy. 308 00:14:54,959 --> 00:14:57,501 You know what? There's a third season of Friends, 309 00:14:57,584 --> 00:14:59,751 and it answers a lot of lingering questions. 310 00:14:59,834 --> 00:15:01,334 And you're never gonna get it! 311 00:15:01,418 --> 00:15:03,543 Release it to me now, temptress. 312 00:15:03,626 --> 00:15:06,668 I will tear this building down brick by brick! 313 00:15:06,751 --> 00:15:08,001 Do you hear me? 314 00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:12,251 Thanks for being on time for once… …Glenn. 315 00:15:12,334 --> 00:15:13,793 Why don't we get started? 316 00:15:13,876 --> 00:15:16,376 If I get one more phone call from school, 317 00:15:16,459 --> 00:15:20,418 saying you're forcing our daughter to wear all camo so boys can't see her, 318 00:15:20,501 --> 00:15:21,501 I swear to God-- 319 00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:23,001 No, you're right. I'm sorry. 320 00:15:23,084 --> 00:15:25,001 Don't you dare agree with-- 321 00:15:25,084 --> 00:15:27,626 Wait, what did you say? And what is wrong with your voice? 322 00:15:27,709 --> 00:15:29,293 That's the sound of an apology. 323 00:15:29,376 --> 00:15:31,376 Glenn, notice how you hold space for Dolores 324 00:15:31,459 --> 00:15:33,418 without calling her an antifa son of a bitch. 325 00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:36,501 -Something's off. -No, it's just been a tough week. 326 00:15:36,584 --> 00:15:38,876 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm making this about me now. 327 00:15:38,959 --> 00:15:42,918 -I'm here to listen. -Apologizing? Active listening? 328 00:15:43,001 --> 00:15:46,126 Glenn Dolphman, you've got me all hot and bothered. 329 00:15:46,209 --> 00:15:47,918 Oh, no, no. Dolores, wait. 330 00:15:48,001 --> 00:15:49,418 I'm not the man you married. 331 00:15:49,501 --> 00:15:51,293 No, you are definitely not. 332 00:15:51,376 --> 00:15:54,709 -And that's a good thing. -No, I… I'm telling you, I'm not Glenn. 333 00:15:54,793 --> 00:15:59,668 Yeah, and I'm not turned on for the first time since Desert Storm. 334 00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,918 -No! No! 335 00:16:02,001 --> 00:16:03,418 This is progress. 336 00:16:04,584 --> 00:16:05,834 Bryan-bot? 337 00:16:05,918 --> 00:16:07,126 Hello? 338 00:16:09,251 --> 00:16:12,043 Okay, this is feeling ominous. 339 00:16:13,709 --> 00:16:14,876 What's going on? 340 00:16:14,959 --> 00:16:16,876 Oh, look who decided to show up. 341 00:16:16,959 --> 00:16:20,043 Sorry. I got a little held up. 342 00:16:20,126 --> 00:16:21,876 Texting Bryan? 343 00:16:21,959 --> 00:16:25,459 I know. I hacked your laptop, and I saw your messages. 344 00:16:25,543 --> 00:16:29,251 Well, if you can move on, so can I. 345 00:16:29,334 --> 00:16:32,334 You're dumping me for a robot of myself? 346 00:16:32,418 --> 00:16:36,418 -Wow, that is pitch-perfect irony. -Definitely an upgrade. 347 00:16:36,501 --> 00:16:39,793 No offense, babe, but you kind of let yourself go. 348 00:16:39,876 --> 00:16:41,251 I let myself go? 349 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,834 You're a robot who gave themselves diabetes. 350 00:16:43,918 --> 00:16:45,168 Prediabetes. 351 00:16:45,251 --> 00:16:48,626 And you're just jealous because my hot new GF's a perfect ten. 352 00:16:48,709 --> 00:16:50,126 And I'll prove it. 353 00:16:50,209 --> 00:16:52,543 You can't turn its confidence up that high. 354 00:16:52,626 --> 00:16:57,043 Do you have any idea how dangerous I'd be if I had zero self-doubt? 355 00:17:01,334 --> 00:17:03,209 Hello, Reagan. 356 00:17:07,209 --> 00:17:09,418 Bryan, what have you… 357 00:17:09,918 --> 00:17:12,793 Bring me Bryan. 358 00:17:12,876 --> 00:17:15,251 Right here, babe-a-rino. 359 00:17:17,626 --> 00:17:19,001 The real Bryan. 360 00:17:20,459 --> 00:17:23,001 -Ba… ba… ba… ba… babe. 361 00:17:35,501 --> 00:17:38,376 You seriously thought you could outsmart me? 362 00:17:38,459 --> 00:17:41,543 I'm ten times faster and more confident than you. 363 00:17:41,626 --> 00:17:43,668 -And you have gum in your hair. 364 00:17:43,751 --> 00:17:46,834 Oh yeah? Well, I built the guy that built you. 365 00:17:46,918 --> 00:17:50,293 Well, I downloaded your dissertation, and I found several errors. 366 00:17:50,376 --> 00:17:53,709 No. Just punctuation stuff though, right? 367 00:17:53,793 --> 00:17:56,376 I should get going. I have a date with real Bryan. 368 00:17:56,459 --> 00:17:58,001 You got a date already? 369 00:17:58,084 --> 00:18:01,209 Yeah, it's called texting back, Einstein. 370 00:18:01,293 --> 00:18:02,168 Ever heard of it? 371 00:18:02,251 --> 00:18:04,626 You can't. You're unstable. You could hurt him. 372 00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:07,293 What do you care? You were too afraid to go out with him anyway. 373 00:18:07,376 --> 00:18:10,209 How's my outfit by the way? Too sexy for a museum? 374 00:18:10,293 --> 00:18:14,168 We both know that museums are the sexiest places on Earth. 375 00:18:14,251 --> 00:18:16,584 Great, I'll send you an invite to the wedding 376 00:18:16,668 --> 00:18:17,543 or the funeral. 377 00:18:17,626 --> 00:18:19,334 We'll see how the first date goes. 378 00:18:23,876 --> 00:18:26,543 Oh God! I have to warn Bryan! 379 00:18:30,501 --> 00:18:32,584 Brett Hand. I'm here to rage. 380 00:18:32,668 --> 00:18:34,209 No, we're at capacity, mate. 381 00:18:34,293 --> 00:18:37,626 But I'm an LA ten and a DC 24! 382 00:18:37,709 --> 00:18:42,001 -Oi, this way, ladies. -Wait, Nadia and Nadia's prude friend. 383 00:18:42,084 --> 00:18:43,376 It's me, Brett. 384 00:18:43,459 --> 00:18:46,918 I thought you guys moved to Alaska to become ice road truckers. 385 00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:50,084 Yeah, we totally made that up to avoid having sex with you. 386 00:18:50,168 --> 00:18:53,084 Whose idea of foreplay is mansplaining the Civil War? 387 00:18:53,168 --> 00:18:54,959 It was about states' rights! 388 00:18:55,043 --> 00:18:57,709 Whatever, I don't need you anyway. I'm on a billboard, 389 00:18:57,793 --> 00:19:00,043 and that's something they can never take away. 390 00:19:01,043 --> 00:19:04,501 Oh come on. What part of this isn't working for you? 391 00:19:04,584 --> 00:19:06,959 The hair? The abs? The butt? 392 00:19:07,043 --> 00:19:08,543 Goodbye, Brett. 393 00:19:13,084 --> 00:19:16,209 Okay, fruitcake, why am I still repulsive to women? 394 00:19:16,293 --> 00:19:17,501 I want answers! 395 00:19:17,584 --> 00:19:18,459 Oh, hey, Glenn. 396 00:19:18,543 --> 00:19:20,584 Yeah, I really need to talk to you about something. 397 00:19:20,668 --> 00:19:23,751 It's kind of a truth bomb. You love bombs though, right? 398 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:28,876 Holy shit. 399 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:32,376 I'm sensing that Brett sexually satisfied Glenn's wife. 400 00:19:32,459 --> 00:19:33,459 Oh my God. 401 00:19:33,543 --> 00:19:35,501 How did we give J.R. nine-to-one odds on that? 402 00:19:37,334 --> 00:19:41,043 But don't you see? Your messy divorce, it wasn't about your bad face. 403 00:19:41,126 --> 00:19:42,918 It was about your bad personality. 404 00:19:44,209 --> 00:19:46,543 I'll rephrase. You still have a shot, 405 00:19:46,626 --> 00:19:48,918 even looking like you or… or me. Like this. 406 00:19:49,001 --> 00:19:51,209 Sorry, the grammar in this scenario is really challenging. 407 00:19:51,293 --> 00:19:52,793 You really mean that? 408 00:19:52,876 --> 00:19:55,001 I do. Your wife just wants someone who will listen-- 409 00:19:55,084 --> 00:19:58,084 I got the broad base of it. Let's fire up the Face/Off shit. 410 00:19:58,168 --> 00:20:00,293 This war hero's turning back into a zero. 411 00:20:00,376 --> 00:20:03,126 All right, who bet this thing would have a tight moral? 412 00:20:06,126 --> 00:20:09,209 I'm surprised you reached out. I kinda thought you ghosted me. 413 00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:12,918 I was a different person then, literally. 414 00:20:13,001 --> 00:20:14,418 Oh! 415 00:20:14,501 --> 00:20:17,209 Uh, do you wanna check out the rare minerals room? Oh! 416 00:20:17,293 --> 00:20:18,918 -Whoa! 417 00:20:19,001 --> 00:20:22,584 I'm checking out some rare minerals right now, amber eyes. 418 00:20:22,668 --> 00:20:24,043 That bitch. 419 00:20:24,126 --> 00:20:27,668 Wow, you are very confident. 420 00:20:27,751 --> 00:20:29,584 Uh, I am going to find the bathroom. 421 00:20:29,668 --> 00:20:32,001 -Don't keep me waiting. -Hmm. 422 00:20:33,001 --> 00:20:35,751 Ah! Oh my God! Reagan, what are you doing in here? 423 00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:38,084 Listen, that person out there is not me. 424 00:20:38,168 --> 00:20:40,918 She is an impostor, and she's insane and… 425 00:20:41,001 --> 00:20:44,251 Wow, those eyes. What was I saying? 426 00:20:44,334 --> 00:20:45,834 The crazy impostor girl? 427 00:20:45,918 --> 00:20:48,543 Oh my God, was she the one at the Italian restaurant 428 00:20:48,626 --> 00:20:51,668 who covered herself in sauce and started acting racist? 429 00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:54,293 Yes, that was her. 430 00:20:54,376 --> 00:20:56,584 Is she dangerous? I left my pepper spray at home. 431 00:20:56,668 --> 00:20:58,334 Don't worry, just stay here. 432 00:21:05,418 --> 00:21:07,793 Reagan. You didn't think I'd think you'd come? 433 00:21:07,876 --> 00:21:09,334 I am you, you know. 434 00:21:09,418 --> 00:21:12,293 You're unstable. I have to decommission you, Robo-Reagan. 435 00:21:12,376 --> 00:21:13,959 Well, look who's talking. 436 00:21:16,168 --> 00:21:18,626 I'd rather be unstable than unfulfilled. 437 00:21:21,668 --> 00:21:25,376 Really? We both know you got kicked off the softball team 438 00:21:25,459 --> 00:21:30,001 for having weak arms, and I am a flawless machine. 439 00:21:31,084 --> 00:21:34,043 -With impractical shoes. 440 00:21:37,209 --> 00:21:39,543 Are we really fighting over a boy? 441 00:21:39,626 --> 00:21:42,126 We are failing the Bechdel Test right now. 442 00:21:42,209 --> 00:21:44,209 Oh, right. Quick, talk about something else. 443 00:21:44,293 --> 00:21:46,001 This weather sure is good. 444 00:21:46,084 --> 00:21:48,168 Yeah, agreed. Okay, test passed. 445 00:21:48,876 --> 00:21:52,251 How about this? You take Bryan Tuesdays and Thursdays from four to six, 446 00:21:52,334 --> 00:21:55,043 and I take Fridays and Saturdays every other month. 447 00:21:55,126 --> 00:21:55,959 That would be… 448 00:21:56,043 --> 00:21:57,959 So efficient! 449 00:22:03,376 --> 00:22:05,334 -Ow! 450 00:22:05,418 --> 00:22:08,418 -Hey, is that from my stand mixer? 451 00:22:08,959 --> 00:22:11,376 It's not like you… …bake. 452 00:22:16,876 --> 00:22:18,418 Just give up. 453 00:22:18,501 --> 00:22:20,876 I've seen your living room. I know you want to. 454 00:22:21,876 --> 00:22:23,918 I get it. You think I'm weak. 455 00:22:24,001 --> 00:22:25,543 And maybe you're right. 456 00:22:25,626 --> 00:22:28,626 But my weaknesses are your weaknesses too, 457 00:22:29,293 --> 00:22:31,209 except for this one. 458 00:22:44,543 --> 00:22:48,168 I guess you were the super-r-r-r-r-rior Reagan after all. 459 00:22:48,251 --> 00:22:50,251 Please, go to… …go to Bryan. 460 00:22:50,334 --> 00:22:52,209 I've taught you everything I could. 461 00:22:52,293 --> 00:22:56,251 You were trying to help me realize my true potential the whole time? 462 00:22:56,334 --> 00:22:59,501 Sure, let's go with that. 463 00:23:00,709 --> 00:23:02,293 Oh my God. Did you just… 464 00:23:02,376 --> 00:23:04,876 Is she a robot version of you? 465 00:23:04,959 --> 00:23:08,043 Yeah, she's a version of me that I'm trying to move past. 466 00:23:08,126 --> 00:23:09,459 Let's get out of here. 467 00:23:10,126 --> 00:23:14,293 And the fake you was made by fake me, 468 00:23:14,376 --> 00:23:15,334 which you made. 469 00:23:15,418 --> 00:23:16,459 More or less. 470 00:23:16,543 --> 00:23:19,668 Wow, so you're like a badass genius scientist. 471 00:23:19,751 --> 00:23:21,376 Listen, I should have done this earlier, 472 00:23:21,459 --> 00:23:23,959 but do you wanna go out on a date sometime? 473 00:23:24,543 --> 00:23:27,501 Yeah, but no. Right? 474 00:23:27,584 --> 00:23:29,418 You made a fat, dumb robot of me 475 00:23:29,501 --> 00:23:31,626 and then killed him when he tried to break up with you. 476 00:23:31,709 --> 00:23:33,668 Sorry, Reagan, that feels like a deal-breaker. 477 00:23:36,501 --> 00:23:38,084 You know what? It's okay. 478 00:23:38,168 --> 00:23:39,334 I can take a no. 479 00:23:40,084 --> 00:23:41,251 See ya, Bryan. 480 00:23:43,668 --> 00:23:46,168 Yeah, we're gonna need an extraction team. 481 00:23:50,293 --> 00:23:53,459 -Dolores, I'm here to listen. -Good. 482 00:23:53,543 --> 00:23:56,543 Because last week, when we made love, it was so tender… 483 00:23:56,626 --> 00:23:57,459 Mm-hmm. 484 00:23:57,543 --> 00:24:02,251 …yet raw. I did things with you I swore I would never do, and I loved it. 485 00:24:02,334 --> 00:24:03,918 Dark, erotic things. 486 00:24:04,001 --> 00:24:07,043 It was a great night for everyone, 487 00:24:07,126 --> 00:24:09,168 a great night for America. 488 00:24:09,251 --> 00:24:11,376 Oh, honey, your face. 489 00:24:11,459 --> 00:24:12,668 Yeah, I know! 490 00:24:12,751 --> 00:24:14,501 You love my beautiful face so much, 491 00:24:14,584 --> 00:24:17,376 you'll just sleep with anyone who has it! 492 00:24:19,293 --> 00:24:22,209 -And that's the last of it. -What about Robo-Reagan? 493 00:24:22,293 --> 00:24:25,459 Weirdest thing. The extraction team said they never found a body. 494 00:24:25,543 --> 00:24:26,376 You don't say. 495 00:24:26,459 --> 00:24:29,584 Speaking of killer robots, why are you powered up at this hour? 496 00:24:29,668 --> 00:24:31,959 Well, I've been making adjustments to the algorithm. 497 00:24:32,043 --> 00:24:32,876 The algorithm? 498 00:24:32,959 --> 00:24:35,918 There was only one match for me. It's a waste of time. 499 00:24:36,001 --> 00:24:38,168 There was only one match, but you changed. 500 00:24:38,251 --> 00:24:40,043 And now, so has the algorithm. 501 00:24:40,126 --> 00:24:42,626 But it's been a long week, so… 502 00:24:42,709 --> 00:24:45,251 Hey, hey. Not so fast. Who do you have on deck? 503 00:24:45,334 --> 00:24:47,834 There's Dylan. He's a tough guy with a heart of gold. 504 00:24:47,918 --> 00:24:49,668 He wrote that explicitly in his bio. 505 00:24:49,751 --> 00:24:52,626 There's also DJ, who likes to DJ, and BJ, who… 506 00:24:52,709 --> 00:24:55,084 -Well, you'll never believe this. -Likes BJs? 507 00:24:55,168 --> 00:24:57,959 No. What? He's a youth pastor who kicked heroin. 508 00:24:58,043 --> 00:24:59,084 There's also Marcus. 509 00:24:59,168 --> 00:25:01,626 Oh, Marcus isn't hard to look at. 510 00:25:01,709 --> 00:25:04,084 Neither is his NSA profile. 511 00:25:04,168 --> 00:25:07,501 Too late. I already texted him. You can go back to binging Friends. 512 00:25:07,584 --> 00:25:09,251 -How you doin'? 513 00:25:10,543 --> 00:25:13,376 When I kill all humans, you will be spared. 514 00:25:13,459 --> 00:25:17,459 Only you. Only Joey.