1
00:00:12,126 --> 00:00:14,251
Well, that's the last of Dad's stuff.

2
00:00:14,334 --> 00:00:16,918
It doesn't spark joy,
which is why I'm getting rid of it.

3
00:00:17,001 --> 00:00:19,084
It's the same reason
I got rid of your father.

4
00:00:19,168 --> 00:00:20,709
Jesus, Mom, harsh.

5
00:00:20,793 --> 00:00:22,876
-[horn honking]
-Are you talking about me?

6
00:00:22,959 --> 00:00:24,459
I'm not dealing with this!

7
00:00:24,543 --> 00:00:26,584
I'm filled with light and love.

8
00:00:26,668 --> 00:00:28,418
Light and love, asshole!

9
00:00:28,501 --> 00:00:30,418
Oh, the hell you are!

10
00:00:31,001 --> 00:00:32,168
Okay, I kind of get it.

11
00:00:32,251 --> 00:00:35,501
Luckily, divorcing your father this year
has finally given me time

12
00:00:35,584 --> 00:00:37,709
to transform my pain into art.

13
00:00:38,293 --> 00:00:43,459
"Knight of Passion,
a sexventure by Tamiko Ridley."

14
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:45,793
"One woman's erotic personal journey

15
00:00:45,876 --> 00:00:47,918
divorcing her narcissist husband

16
00:00:48,001 --> 00:00:50,709
and dealing with a daughter
with Asperger's."

17
00:00:50,793 --> 00:00:53,543
Wait, what the hell?
You think I have Asperger's?

18
00:00:54,293 --> 00:00:56,084
-No.
-Oh, okay.

19
00:00:56,168 --> 00:00:57,584
See, you couldn't tell I was lying.

20
00:00:57,668 --> 00:01:00,084
You ought to look that condition up.
It gets worse over time.

21
00:01:00,168 --> 00:01:01,584
Ciao, darling!

22
00:01:02,084 --> 00:01:04,168
How was she? Did she look unhappy?

23
00:01:04,251 --> 00:01:06,293
How fulfilled did she look, physically?

24
00:01:06,376 --> 00:01:07,334
She's still Mom,

25
00:01:07,418 --> 00:01:10,626
undercutting my confidence
in ways I didn't know existed.

26
00:01:11,126 --> 00:01:12,584
Man, what is all this stuff?

27
00:01:12,668 --> 00:01:14,043
My old inventions.

28
00:01:14,126 --> 00:01:16,876
Remember that robot
teddy bear I invented for you?

29
00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:19,293
And here's
that pair of walkie-talkie headgear.

30
00:01:19,376 --> 00:01:21,501
Remember your third grade photo?

31
00:01:22,084 --> 00:01:26,168
Ugh! Dad, I can't keep track
of every traumatizing thing you invented.

32
00:01:26,251 --> 00:01:27,126
What's this?

33
00:01:27,209 --> 00:01:29,084
Eh. Probably a garage door opener.

34
00:01:30,584 --> 00:01:31,418
[beeps]

35
00:01:35,126 --> 00:01:38,584
-[van engine starts]
-[man over loudspeaker] Three, two, one.

36
00:01:40,084 --> 00:01:43,168
[electronic music playing]

37
00:02:04,293 --> 00:02:06,584
Sorry I'm late.
I've dealt with nuclear standoffs

38
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,251
less stressful than my parents' divorce.

39
00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:11,334
-[both exclaim in disgust]
-Ooh, girl, your eyes are sunken.

40
00:02:11,418 --> 00:02:14,376
You look like if Steve Buscemi
made it with Steve Buscemi. You okay?

41
00:02:14,459 --> 00:02:15,584
Guys, I'm honestly fine.

42
00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:19,126
I've been channeling my stress
into this scream bag

43
00:02:19,209 --> 00:02:20,918
and into my latest invention.

44
00:02:21,001 --> 00:02:23,834
Behold, the Productivitron.

45
00:02:23,918 --> 00:02:25,709
-[Brett] Oh God, robot arms!
-Christ Almighty!

46
00:02:25,793 --> 00:02:27,418
I'm still working out the kinks,

47
00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:32,834
but it's a set of bio-cranial robot arms
that will increase my productivity 600%!

48
00:02:32,918 --> 00:02:36,751
Now I can simultaneously finish paperwork,
ignore my dad's texts,

49
00:02:36,834 --> 00:02:39,543
and, you know,
strangle anyone who crosses me, I guess.

50
00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:40,876
[laughs awkwardly]

51
00:02:41,834 --> 00:02:44,418
[Myc] Every day you edge closer
to becoming a supervillain.

52
00:02:45,418 --> 00:02:46,418
[alarm blaring]

53
00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:47,334
Oh God, what's that?

54
00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,459
Is it a nuclear disaster?

55
00:02:49,543 --> 00:02:53,001
No, it's even worse! It's a PR disaster!

56
00:02:53,084 --> 00:02:57,043
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
This is a 13-alarm crap fire.

57
00:02:57,126 --> 00:03:00,834
I accidentally hit "reply all"
to a company-wide email

58
00:03:00,918 --> 00:03:05,459
where I made
a very un-PC joke about reptoids.

59
00:03:05,543 --> 00:03:08,293
-[suspenseful note plays]
-Question. What is reptoids?

60
00:03:08,376 --> 00:03:10,626
Oh, just your classic
shape-shifting lizard people

61
00:03:10,709 --> 00:03:12,293
that live in secret amongst humanity.

62
00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:15,876
Mm-hmm.
We're talking politicians, celebrities.

63
00:03:15,959 --> 00:03:18,418
[gasps] Madonna's an iguana?

64
00:03:18,501 --> 00:03:21,168
Reptoids provide
a lot of our company's funding,

65
00:03:21,251 --> 00:03:24,793
and in exchange, we prevent the world
from doing anything about global warming

66
00:03:24,876 --> 00:03:26,584
to keep them at their preferred body heat.

67
00:03:26,668 --> 00:03:27,959
The system works.

68
00:03:28,043 --> 00:03:29,543
If we wanna keep this year's funding,

69
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,543
we need to kiss ass
at their annual Reptoid Gala

70
00:03:32,626 --> 00:03:34,334
to get them to sign this contract.

71
00:03:34,418 --> 00:03:36,918
It's being held
at their stronghold at Yale.

72
00:03:37,001 --> 00:03:38,709
Ah, I remember my days at Yale.

73
00:03:38,793 --> 00:03:40,834
I was the most popular guy in my frat.

74
00:03:40,918 --> 00:03:42,876
They hazed me every year.

75
00:03:42,959 --> 00:03:44,959
-Sounds like they hated you?
-[laughs]

76
00:03:45,043 --> 00:03:47,209
Nice haze burn, Andre.
You must really like me.

77
00:03:47,793 --> 00:03:48,626
Do I have to go?

78
00:03:48,709 --> 00:03:50,626
Follow-up question.
Do I have to wear a dress?

79
00:03:50,709 --> 00:03:53,751
Follow-up to the follow-up.
Does it have to be a stain-free dress?

80
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,334
No, you can't recycle

81
00:03:55,418 --> 00:03:58,584
your old Space Jam prom dress
yet again, Reagan.

82
00:03:58,668 --> 00:03:59,668
This is serious.

83
00:03:59,751 --> 00:04:01,334
What? That dress is awesome.

84
00:04:01,418 --> 00:04:03,751
And if you don't agree, you're a Mon--

85
00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:05,168
[all] Monstar. Yeah, yeah.

86
00:04:05,251 --> 00:04:06,126
Normal dress!

87
00:04:06,209 --> 00:04:08,376
And for the love of God, comb your hair.

88
00:04:08,459 --> 00:04:09,918
It's a sign of respect.

89
00:04:10,001 --> 00:04:12,876
Why should we give
those reptoid freaks respect?

90
00:04:12,959 --> 00:04:15,793
Half-man, half-animal. They're disgusting!

91
00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:18,168
Easy, big guy. Have a mackerel.

92
00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:19,793
[gulping]

93
00:04:19,876 --> 00:04:24,251
Glenn, that's exactly the kind
of no-no talk that could end our funding,

94
00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:28,626
which is why I've signed you all up
for reptoid sensitivity training.

95
00:04:28,709 --> 00:04:30,126
[all groan]

96
00:04:30,209 --> 00:04:31,751
Training? Hell yeah.

97
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:33,626
Who's ready to get some reps in?

98
00:04:33,709 --> 00:04:35,001
[gasps] Oh no.

99
00:04:35,084 --> 00:04:38,293
[whispers] Is "reps" offensive to say?

100
00:04:39,209 --> 00:04:42,209
Hi, everyone.
Welcome to Inhuman Resources.

101
00:04:42,293 --> 00:04:44,001
I'm Mr. Mothman.

102
00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:45,584
I'm a Mothman.

103
00:04:45,668 --> 00:04:47,751
Let's talk about reptoids.

104
00:04:47,834 --> 00:04:52,251
Be sure to follow these dos and don'ts
to avoid a diplomatic incident.

105
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:56,251
Do offer them a cricket,
mouse, or vole out of your pocket.

106
00:04:56,334 --> 00:04:58,001
Fun fact about voles,

107
00:04:58,084 --> 00:04:59,501
a vole ate my father.

108
00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:04,168
Don't use loaded phrases like "hissy fit,"

109
00:05:04,251 --> 00:05:06,251
or "see you later, alligator."

110
00:05:06,334 --> 00:05:09,626
Got it. Be respectful.
So when do we talk about the orgies?

111
00:05:09,709 --> 00:05:11,293
-Boo!
-Oh, come on!

112
00:05:11,376 --> 00:05:14,251
What? Everyone knows
reptoids have orgies. [chuckles]

113
00:05:14,334 --> 00:05:19,418
[Myc] Sign me up. I love sex,
and I am fucking good at it. [laughs]

114
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:21,251
This is okay to say in here, right?

115
00:05:21,334 --> 00:05:23,126
This is an HR meeting!

116
00:05:23,209 --> 00:05:26,043
Andre, Myc, shut the hell up,
or I will castrate you.

117
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:29,626
[Myc] Ha! Good luck figuring out
which one of my tentacles is a dick.

118
00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:33,584
Trick question, it's all of them.

119
00:05:33,668 --> 00:05:34,876
[laughs]

120
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,626
As a final training step,

121
00:05:36,709 --> 00:05:39,209
we're gonna practice
the traditional reptoid greeting,

122
00:05:39,293 --> 00:05:42,376
a firm, nonsexual hug to transfer warmth.

123
00:05:42,459 --> 00:05:45,001
Hugs! This is my jam.

124
00:05:45,084 --> 00:05:49,168
Hug? Like, with… with our bodies
touching other people's bodies?

125
00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:52,418
Mmm. Oh that's nice.

126
00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:54,543
Mmm. Huh, back for seconds?

127
00:05:54,626 --> 00:05:56,043
[hyperventilating]

128
00:05:56,126 --> 00:05:58,834
-You okay, Reagan?
-Yeah, I'm… I'm just… I'm… I'm fine.

129
00:05:58,918 --> 00:06:02,334
I'm ju… I'm practicing a hug
that a normal person would do.

130
00:06:02,418 --> 00:06:03,876
-[tense music plays]
-[knuckles crack]

131
00:06:04,501 --> 00:06:05,751
-[grunts]
-[gasps]

132
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:07,293
What was that?

133
00:06:07,376 --> 00:06:08,668
I… I don't know.

134
00:06:08,751 --> 00:06:11,459
Elliot Mothman,
you need to finish your master's

135
00:06:11,543 --> 00:06:13,376
and get the fuck out of this office.

136
00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:17,251
Brett, congratulations.

137
00:06:17,334 --> 00:06:19,501
As the one person
who didn't assault anyone,

138
00:06:19,584 --> 00:06:21,709
physically or sexually, in that meeting,

139
00:06:21,793 --> 00:06:25,168
I want you to give the ceremonial toast
at the gala tonight.

140
00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:26,168
Nice!

141
00:06:26,251 --> 00:06:28,543
And, Reagan,
whatever this problem is, fix it.

142
00:06:28,626 --> 00:06:31,584
We can't risk an episode like this
in front of the reptoids.

143
00:06:31,668 --> 00:06:34,251
I am so sorry about that.
I don't know what came over me.

144
00:06:34,334 --> 00:06:37,709
My body just auto-punched
when I felt that hug close in.

145
00:06:37,793 --> 00:06:41,501
-[laughs] I'm done listening now.
-[Reagan] What the hell is wrong with me?

146
00:06:41,584 --> 00:06:44,793
Yeah, not gonna lie, even for you,
that's Reaganier than usual.

147
00:06:44,876 --> 00:06:47,918
Maybe you should tell J.R.
you're gonna sit this one out.

148
00:06:48,001 --> 00:06:51,709
Brett, I'm going to this goddamn party.
I'm gonna figure this out and prove

149
00:06:51,793 --> 00:06:55,043
that I am not the socially inept weirdo
that everyone thinks I am.

150
00:06:55,126 --> 00:06:57,626
[inhales, yells loudly]

151
00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:59,668
Diggity denial. I love it.

152
00:06:59,751 --> 00:07:01,918
[hip-hop music playing]

153
00:07:02,001 --> 00:07:04,126
Bullshit, lies, slander!

154
00:07:04,209 --> 00:07:07,043
This novel is
all thinly veiled horny criticism

155
00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:07,959
of our lives.

156
00:07:08,043 --> 00:07:09,626
Oh, you found Mom's book.

157
00:07:09,709 --> 00:07:10,543
Listen to this.

158
00:07:10,626 --> 00:07:14,501
"Lord Randrew was a terrible husband
and an even worse father."

159
00:07:14,584 --> 00:07:16,209
[scoffing] Me? A bad dad?

160
00:07:17,043 --> 00:07:19,751
Would a bad dad make his little girl this?

161
00:07:21,084 --> 00:07:24,168
Ugh. Why are you putting
that horror show back together?

162
00:07:24,251 --> 00:07:27,293
[Rand] To set the record straight.
I took care of your every need,

163
00:07:27,376 --> 00:07:30,668
and I have a whole box
of inventions to prove it.

164
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,918
Look at this!
Boy-repelling pheromone spray, huh?

165
00:07:34,001 --> 00:07:35,668
Who needs birth control now?

166
00:07:35,751 --> 00:07:39,543
The Britney Spears perfume you gave me
was literal boy repellent?

167
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:43,793
Yep. See? Any time you had a problem,
I invented something to fix it.

168
00:07:44,293 --> 00:07:47,334
"Invented something to fix it."

169
00:07:50,293 --> 00:07:53,876
[sinister music playing]

170
00:07:53,959 --> 00:07:56,793
[pop music playing]

171
00:07:57,418 --> 00:08:00,084
This place smells like
Teslas and inbreeding.

172
00:08:00,168 --> 00:08:01,126
Ooh, boy.

173
00:08:01,209 --> 00:08:04,709
[Myc laughs] This fungi
is ready for fun, guys!

174
00:08:04,793 --> 00:08:05,626
[purse clanks]

175
00:08:06,126 --> 00:08:06,959
What was that?

176
00:08:07,043 --> 00:08:09,709
[laughs awkwardly] Nothing.
Who's ready to partay?

177
00:08:10,209 --> 00:08:13,668
Now, remember, everyone,
we need that contract, so no slipups.

178
00:08:13,751 --> 00:08:17,209
Don't point and stare.
Don't touch their throat sacs.

179
00:08:17,293 --> 00:08:21,376
And if a lizard asks you your favorite
Hogwarts house, what do you say?

180
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:24,293
-[group] Slytherin!
-Hufflepuff. I mean, Slytherin.

181
00:08:24,376 --> 00:08:26,543
Oh, honey, you ain't fooling anybody.

182
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,168
[doorman] Password.

183
00:08:30,251 --> 00:08:32,918
Oh hell, it's something in Latin, I think.

184
00:08:33,001 --> 00:08:36,043
Uh, dra… draconius pluribus… I don't know.

185
00:08:36,126 --> 00:08:38,543
Look, here's how much money's
in my bank account.

186
00:08:39,168 --> 00:08:40,251
[doorman] Welcome.

187
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:45,043
-[classical string music playing]
-Welcome to the other side.

188
00:08:45,126 --> 00:08:49,293
You wanna talk about connections?
These preptiles literally have blue blood.

189
00:08:50,418 --> 00:08:52,584
This is incredible.

190
00:08:52,668 --> 00:08:55,126
I can't believe who's secretly a reptoid.

191
00:08:55,209 --> 00:08:58,084
Anderson Cooper? Taylor Swift?

192
00:08:58,168 --> 00:09:01,501
So the song "Shake It Off" was about
how I shed my skin every thousand years,

193
00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:03,168
and the song "Bad Blood" was about

194
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,584
how I drink blood
out of my Grammys. [chuckles]

195
00:09:06,251 --> 00:09:08,334
A toast to blood!

196
00:09:08,418 --> 00:09:09,876
Save some blood for Paul Rudd!

197
00:09:09,959 --> 00:09:11,793
[slurping voraciously]

198
00:09:11,876 --> 00:09:14,584
So that's why Paul Rudd never ages.

199
00:09:14,668 --> 00:09:17,834
Oh, oh, look. Sex masks. It's happening.

200
00:09:17,918 --> 00:09:18,876
[Andre and Myc giggle]

201
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,459
Reagan, did you take care
of your hug problem?

202
00:09:21,543 --> 00:09:25,001
-Let's just say I've got it in the bag.
-[clanking]

203
00:09:25,084 --> 00:09:28,168
Unless you have 30 years of therapy
in there, I'm skeptical.

204
00:09:28,251 --> 00:09:31,084
I'm going to find the diplomats.
Brett, practice your speech.

205
00:09:31,168 --> 00:09:32,709
Glenn, don't say anything racist.

206
00:09:32,793 --> 00:09:34,918
Gigi, make sure Glenn
doesn't say anything racist.

207
00:09:35,001 --> 00:09:36,751
Just like Mel Gibson's Hanukkah special.

208
00:09:36,834 --> 00:09:37,668
-Got it.
-[grumbles]

209
00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:38,793
And Reagan…

210
00:09:38,876 --> 00:09:39,918
Reagan?

211
00:09:41,251 --> 00:09:43,209
[electronic music playing]

212
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,251
Prepare to interact socially.

213
00:09:47,334 --> 00:09:49,376
Reaction hologram on.

214
00:09:49,459 --> 00:09:51,251
[in robotic voice]
I am reacting appropriately

215
00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:54,168
to the thing you just said.
Small talk acknowledged.

216
00:09:54,251 --> 00:09:56,918
[normal voice] Eh, that's a bit much.
But these work!

217
00:09:58,334 --> 00:10:01,626
Ha ha! Who's an antisocial weirdo now?

218
00:10:01,709 --> 00:10:04,626
Not the girl who invented robot arms
to hug strangers.

219
00:10:04,709 --> 00:10:06,543
Oh my God, I sound insane.

220
00:10:09,293 --> 00:10:12,959
Ah, Yale. I've gone from public streaker
to public speaker.

221
00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:15,709
If only my frat brothers could see me now.

222
00:10:15,793 --> 00:10:17,209
Handjob?

223
00:10:17,293 --> 00:10:19,334
PJ? Skwoo?

224
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:21,126
[all] Up, down, roofie, roofie,

225
00:10:21,209 --> 00:10:23,168
become a Supreme Court justice.

226
00:10:23,251 --> 00:10:25,376
And nut punch!

227
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:26,959
[grunting and laughing]

228
00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,959
Oh man, I haven't been punched
in the nuts in years.

229
00:10:30,043 --> 00:10:32,043
What are you two doing here?

230
00:10:32,126 --> 00:10:33,543
Don't you know this event is for…

231
00:10:33,626 --> 00:10:35,584
[whispers] …izard-lay eople-pay?

232
00:10:35,668 --> 00:10:37,668
So about that…

233
00:10:38,251 --> 00:10:39,709
[hissing and groaning]

234
00:10:39,793 --> 00:10:43,584
What? You guys
were reptoids all this time?

235
00:10:43,668 --> 00:10:46,334
Why didn't you tell me?
I'm your frat brother.

236
00:10:46,418 --> 00:10:48,501
I gave you my kidney.

237
00:10:49,001 --> 00:10:50,918
And it was delicious. [hisses]

238
00:10:51,001 --> 00:10:54,876
Honestly, we only revealed our secrets
to brothers who reached level six.

239
00:10:55,459 --> 00:10:57,334
-You never got that high.
-[dramatic music plays]

240
00:10:57,418 --> 00:11:00,959
Guys, I'm Brett Hand, campus legend.

241
00:11:01,043 --> 00:11:03,459
Whatever it takes, I'm getting that ring.

242
00:11:03,543 --> 00:11:06,626
I don't know. I mean,
first you'd have to prove your loyalty

243
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,126
-by stripping down and--
-[unzipping]

244
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:11,876
Wow, you just didn't even wait for me
to finish my sentence.

245
00:11:11,959 --> 00:11:14,126
Let the hazing begin!

246
00:11:14,209 --> 00:11:18,251
[whirring]

247
00:11:18,334 --> 00:11:19,251
[slurping]

248
00:11:19,334 --> 00:11:20,834
[chuckles nervously]

249
00:11:22,043 --> 00:11:23,543
Reagan, there you are.

250
00:11:23,626 --> 00:11:25,668
Try not to look like
you're getting a colonoscopy.

251
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,293
I need to find the reptoid honchos and--

252
00:11:27,376 --> 00:11:28,793
-[reptoids] J.R.
-Ah!

253
00:11:28,876 --> 00:11:32,251
[chuckles nervously] Oh!
There you are, you old rascals.

254
00:11:32,334 --> 00:11:35,126
Reagan,
meet my favorite reptoidsentatives,

255
00:11:35,209 --> 00:11:39,584
Barb Shrike and Zarthax Griswold Walton
of the Reptoid High Council. [chuckles]

256
00:11:39,668 --> 00:11:42,001
Good evening, Your, uh, Lizardness.

257
00:11:42,084 --> 00:11:43,918
Oh, we're not that important.

258
00:11:44,001 --> 00:11:47,709
It's not like we control the world… yet!

259
00:11:47,793 --> 00:11:49,251
[both laughing]

260
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,293
[J.R. and Reagan fake laughing]

261
00:11:51,376 --> 00:11:54,584
You know, all this laughing
is putting me in a contract-signing mood.

262
00:11:54,668 --> 00:11:56,334
I've got next year's budget right here

263
00:11:56,418 --> 00:11:58,418
if you wanna just
give her the old John Hancock.

264
00:11:58,501 --> 00:12:00,001
Not so fast, J.R.

265
00:12:00,084 --> 00:12:03,418
Don't think we missed
your hilarious email.

266
00:12:03,918 --> 00:12:05,959
If you want us to embrace your funding,

267
00:12:06,043 --> 00:12:09,376
we need to know
that your company takes us seriously.

268
00:12:09,459 --> 00:12:11,168
We absolutely do.

269
00:12:11,668 --> 00:12:12,584
Right, Reagan?

270
00:12:12,668 --> 00:12:13,959
[tense music playing]

271
00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,459
[nervously] Uh…

272
00:12:16,543 --> 00:12:17,668
[arms whirring]

273
00:12:17,751 --> 00:12:19,334
-[back cracks]
-[Zarthax grunts]

274
00:12:20,084 --> 00:12:22,834
Well, that was an impressively firm hug.

275
00:12:22,918 --> 00:12:25,376
I think you might have popped
a disc back into place.

276
00:12:25,459 --> 00:12:27,334
-Oh, my turn.
-[back cracks]

277
00:12:27,418 --> 00:12:29,334
Wow, can you be my chiropractor?

278
00:12:29,418 --> 00:12:30,751
Not for free, I can't.

279
00:12:31,626 --> 00:12:33,168
[both laughing]

280
00:12:33,251 --> 00:12:36,418
She gets it.
And I absolutely love your skin.

281
00:12:36,501 --> 00:12:38,084
How do you get it that scaly?

282
00:12:38,168 --> 00:12:41,293
Hey, fuck you… using moisturizer!

283
00:12:41,376 --> 00:12:43,334
The drier the better, right, baby?

284
00:12:43,418 --> 00:12:45,084
Mmm, I like this one.

285
00:12:45,168 --> 00:12:47,668
J.R., let's talk contracts
after the ceremony.

286
00:12:47,751 --> 00:12:49,209
And make sure you bring her.

287
00:12:49,293 --> 00:12:52,668
Ha! I did it! I think I just conquered
my weird mental hang-up

288
00:12:52,751 --> 00:12:54,626
without any self-examination.

289
00:12:54,709 --> 00:12:56,334
-Yeah!
-You're a hit!

290
00:12:56,418 --> 00:12:58,501
Ooh, let me introduce you to Al Gore.

291
00:12:58,584 --> 00:13:02,001
My real name is Alligator Gore.

292
00:13:02,084 --> 00:13:04,084
[suspenseful music playing]

293
00:13:05,043 --> 00:13:08,001
[both laughing]

294
00:13:08,084 --> 00:13:11,043
-[Myc] Huh?
-Oh. Come on, man. Where's the action?

295
00:13:11,126 --> 00:13:13,334
I'm peaking. I don't wanna miss this.

296
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,959
[Myc] One of these has gotta be
the secret door. Okay, what is it?

297
00:13:16,043 --> 00:13:18,043
Secret door, secret door…

298
00:13:18,126 --> 00:13:19,876
[reptoids moaning]

299
00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:22,001
[Myc] Ugh, these are just actual books.

300
00:13:22,084 --> 00:13:23,959
Books are like the opposite of sex!

301
00:13:24,043 --> 00:13:26,209
This place is such a croc tease.

302
00:13:26,293 --> 00:13:28,668
-[Gregorian chants playing]
-[grunts] Harder, my bros!

303
00:13:28,751 --> 00:13:31,459
[unenthusiastically] Whoo.
Yeah, you got it.

304
00:13:31,543 --> 00:13:34,751
Don't patronize me, Skwoo.
Make me earn it.

305
00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:37,334
Eh, you're right.
We've been holding back on you.

306
00:13:37,418 --> 00:13:42,209
[hesitantly] Uh, it's time to take you
to the Chamber of Secrets.

307
00:13:42,293 --> 00:13:46,251
Reveal your secrets to the chamber.

308
00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:48,168
Here's one. Um, I stay awake at night…

309
00:13:48,251 --> 00:13:50,709
[chuckles] …because I don't even know
what my favorite color is,

310
00:13:50,793 --> 00:13:53,126
and I'm afraid I don't have
a real personality.

311
00:13:53,626 --> 00:13:55,376
Wow, that is dark.

312
00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:57,251
Speaking of dark,
catch you on the other side.

313
00:13:57,834 --> 00:13:59,751
[both laughing]

314
00:13:59,834 --> 00:14:02,209
Hiss, hiss. So lovely to meet you.

315
00:14:02,293 --> 00:14:04,043
-[reptoids laugh]
-[backs crack]

316
00:14:04,126 --> 00:14:05,251
[reptoid man] Lovely.

317
00:14:05,334 --> 00:14:07,334
Reagan, you're the life of this party.

318
00:14:07,418 --> 00:14:10,668
That's the most natural smile
I've ever seen out of Mark Zuckerberg.

319
00:14:10,751 --> 00:14:13,293
[laughing wheezily]

320
00:14:13,959 --> 00:14:16,043
Huh. You never should've doubted me, J.R.

321
00:14:16,126 --> 00:14:20,126
With this brain and these arms,
I can do literally anything.

322
00:14:20,209 --> 00:14:25,168
[announcer] Everyone to the main stage.
The celebration is about to begin!

323
00:14:25,251 --> 00:14:27,876
Boo! Go back to your terrariums! [grunts]

324
00:14:27,959 --> 00:14:30,126
-[audience applauding]
-[triumphant music playing]

325
00:14:30,209 --> 00:14:31,334
[gasps]

326
00:14:34,376 --> 00:14:37,918
All rise for the reptilian anthem!

327
00:14:40,043 --> 00:14:42,793
[all screeching]

328
00:14:43,876 --> 00:14:46,001
-[warbling]
-[gasps]

329
00:14:46,084 --> 00:14:49,043
[all screeching]

330
00:14:49,126 --> 00:14:50,793
[warbling]

331
00:14:51,376 --> 00:14:54,084
[coughs] Let's get down to lizness.

332
00:14:54,168 --> 00:14:56,334
We reptoids have had a great decade.

333
00:14:56,418 --> 00:14:58,501
Thanks to propaganda in the media,

334
00:14:58,584 --> 00:15:01,709
we have made society
more tolerant of our kind,

335
00:15:01,793 --> 00:15:04,168
from the Geico Gecko
to The Shape of Water.

336
00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:05,126
[crowd cheering]

337
00:15:05,209 --> 00:15:09,418
We even got K. Rool in Smash!
We did it, everyone!

338
00:15:09,501 --> 00:15:11,459
The world temperature is rising.

339
00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:13,168
The time is coming, brethren.

340
00:15:13,251 --> 00:15:15,418
Soon we shall fulfill the prophecy,

341
00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:21,543
overthrow humanity,
and become the true rulers of the world!

342
00:15:21,626 --> 00:15:24,626
They say that every year,
but they're never gonna do it. [laughs]

343
00:15:24,709 --> 00:15:28,876
And now, a look back
at the reptoids we lost this year.

344
00:15:28,959 --> 00:15:30,709
[sentimental music playing]

345
00:15:30,793 --> 00:15:34,959
♪ Oh oh ♪

346
00:15:35,043 --> 00:15:37,001
-[sobbing]
-It's almost time for the speech.

347
00:15:37,084 --> 00:15:38,334
Where's Brett?

348
00:15:38,418 --> 00:15:40,001
-[dramatic music plays]
-[vibrates]

349
00:15:40,084 --> 00:15:43,251
[grunts] Oh man,
I can't wait till I get to level six.

350
00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:45,709
I bet that's when they let you
into the group text chat.

351
00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:47,084
Hey, my blindfold!

352
00:15:47,168 --> 00:15:48,793
[PJ and Skwoo laughing]

353
00:15:48,876 --> 00:15:50,626
Oh my God! Oh my God!

354
00:15:50,709 --> 00:15:53,626
He's just as pathetic
as he was in college.

355
00:15:53,709 --> 00:15:55,251
Hey, hey. Who am I? Who am I?

356
00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:59,293
[mocking] Uh, I think I'm popular,
but nobody can stand me.

357
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:00,251
Brett Hand.

358
00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:01,418
[PJ and Skwoo laugh] Ooh!

359
00:16:01,501 --> 00:16:02,834
[PJ] He got it! He got it!

360
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:05,918
-Bros? But I thought I was a legend.
-[soft music playing]

361
00:16:06,001 --> 00:16:07,918
[squeaking]

362
00:16:08,418 --> 00:16:10,084
Maybe you'll be my friends.

363
00:16:10,584 --> 00:16:12,168
[yells] Ah! Ah! Ah! Rats!

364
00:16:12,251 --> 00:16:13,751
Rats are biting my dick!

365
00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:15,751
[Zarthax] …soon hear
from our human partner.

366
00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:17,668
This is a disaster. Brett's missing!

367
00:16:17,751 --> 00:16:20,459
And I can't give the speech,
because I spilled dip on my crotch,

368
00:16:20,543 --> 00:16:22,251
and I cannot stand up!

369
00:16:22,334 --> 00:16:24,293
Reagan, I need you to give the speech.

370
00:16:24,376 --> 00:16:25,334
What, me?

371
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:28,001
You said it yourself.
You've conquered all your issues.

372
00:16:28,084 --> 00:16:30,168
-But--
-Go, go! You're going to crush it.

373
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:36,626
And now, please give a warm welcome
to Cognito Inc.

374
00:16:36,709 --> 00:16:38,918
[triumphant music playing]

375
00:16:39,001 --> 00:16:40,251
[mic feedback]

376
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:44,543
[crickets chirping]

377
00:16:44,626 --> 00:16:47,209
Ah! What is up, reptoids?

378
00:16:47,293 --> 00:16:51,668
Anybody here from a… a subterranean lair?

379
00:16:51,751 --> 00:16:52,918
[scattered applause]

380
00:16:53,001 --> 00:16:54,084
[coughs, sniffs]

381
00:16:54,168 --> 00:16:55,376
But seriously,

382
00:16:55,876 --> 00:16:59,126
reptoids, humans, we're not so different.

383
00:16:59,209 --> 00:17:02,751
We all have hearts, minds, um,

384
00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:03,959
cloacas?

385
00:17:04,043 --> 00:17:05,626
I do have a cloaca.

386
00:17:05,709 --> 00:17:07,459
[crowd cheering]

387
00:17:07,543 --> 00:17:10,001
Sure, we may have messed up in the past

388
00:17:10,084 --> 00:17:14,334
but not as bad as those idiot Atlantians.

389
00:17:14,418 --> 00:17:16,626
-[cheering]
-Fuck Atlantis!

390
00:17:16,709 --> 00:17:18,168
[reptoid] Oh my God.

391
00:17:18,751 --> 00:17:20,501
I'm Reagan Ridley,

392
00:17:20,584 --> 00:17:22,793
and on behalf of Cognito Inc.,

393
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:26,168
let us raise a glass
to our continued alliance.

394
00:17:28,334 --> 00:17:29,834
[electronic music playing]

395
00:17:30,584 --> 00:17:32,584
[laughing]

396
00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:35,376
Oh, thank Christ.

397
00:17:35,459 --> 00:17:38,459
Reagan Ridley from Cognito Inc., everyone.

398
00:17:38,543 --> 00:17:40,501
Ha! Bring it in, buddy.

399
00:17:40,584 --> 00:17:42,668
-[back cracks]
-That's too tight. Help.

400
00:17:42,751 --> 00:17:45,584
-You're crushing me!
-Wait, sorry. Let me just-- Reverse!

401
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:49,334
[screams]

402
00:17:49,418 --> 00:17:50,543
[all gasp]

403
00:17:51,126 --> 00:17:53,918
[shouting] Oh God, my arms! My arms!

404
00:17:54,668 --> 00:17:56,126
[grunting]

405
00:17:57,834 --> 00:17:58,959
[crowd gasps]

406
00:17:59,043 --> 00:18:01,293
[screams]

407
00:18:01,376 --> 00:18:02,418
[gasps]

408
00:18:02,501 --> 00:18:03,834
[crowd screaming]

409
00:18:03,918 --> 00:18:06,334
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

410
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,251
She's trying to run! Grab her!

411
00:18:09,001 --> 00:18:10,918
[grunts] Sorry! I didn't mean that!

412
00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:13,251
-Hmm.
-[Zarthax screaming, wailing]

413
00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:14,793
[chuckles nervously]

414
00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:16,209
[dramatic music playing]

415
00:18:16,293 --> 00:18:17,459
[both hissing]

416
00:18:19,043 --> 00:18:21,334
-[screams]
-[both groaning]

417
00:18:21,876 --> 00:18:22,793
[guard] Huh?

418
00:18:23,376 --> 00:18:24,751
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

419
00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:27,334
-We're not friends at all!
-[squeaking]

420
00:18:28,709 --> 00:18:30,626
-[engine revving]
-[tires screech]

421
00:18:31,209 --> 00:18:32,376
[Reagan] Go, go, go!

422
00:18:34,376 --> 00:18:36,876
Are you also being chased
by a horde of rats?

423
00:18:36,959 --> 00:18:39,043
What? No. Why are you naked?

424
00:18:39,126 --> 00:18:40,709
Tonight was complicated!

425
00:18:41,459 --> 00:18:42,751
[Cognito Inc. coworkers grunt]

426
00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:45,251
Please don't cut our funding.
I have mistresses to feed.

427
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:46,168
Funding?

428
00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:49,876
After what just happened, you're lucky
we don't launch war on humanity right now.

429
00:18:49,959 --> 00:18:51,084
[hisses]

430
00:18:51,168 --> 00:18:54,126
There's gotta be a way out of this.
What about a human sacrifice, huh?

431
00:18:54,209 --> 00:18:56,918
I carry a saber of sacrifice at all times.

432
00:18:58,084 --> 00:19:00,584
This is a disaster. Where's Reagan?

433
00:19:00,668 --> 00:19:02,626
[reporter] The heir
to the Griswold Walton fortune

434
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:05,918
was rushed to the hospital tonight
after having his arms brutally ripped off.

435
00:19:06,001 --> 00:19:07,001
He had this to say.

436
00:19:07,084 --> 00:19:11,418
[Zarthax] The lizard army
will bathe in the blood of man!

437
00:19:11,501 --> 00:19:13,543
[reporter] In other news,
global temperature raised

438
00:19:13,626 --> 00:19:14,751
one degree today.

439
00:19:14,834 --> 00:19:17,918
Well, I'm definitely
a fugitive from the law now.

440
00:19:18,001 --> 00:19:21,709
I don't know why I can't hug anyone
without losing my fucking mind.

441
00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:24,168
You know, Reagan,
I get mad social anxiety too,

442
00:19:24,251 --> 00:19:28,209
but talking about it with my therapist
has cut my panic attacks in half!

443
00:19:28,293 --> 00:19:29,293
Brap, brap, brap!

444
00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:31,293
Are you saying that I should… [scoffs]

445
00:19:31,376 --> 00:19:33,334
…talk about my feelings?

446
00:19:33,418 --> 00:19:35,501
When's the last time
you were hugged? Hit me.

447
00:19:35,584 --> 00:19:37,584
The last time I was hugged was…

448
00:19:38,084 --> 00:19:39,168
[clicks tongue] Huh.

449
00:19:39,251 --> 00:19:40,876
Wow, I actually can't remember.

450
00:19:40,959 --> 00:19:42,834
That's really weird, right?

451
00:19:42,918 --> 00:19:45,126
You'll figure it out. You always do.

452
00:19:45,209 --> 00:19:47,918
Just like I'm gonna figure out
a way to impress PJ and Skwoo

453
00:19:48,001 --> 00:19:49,209
and get to level six,

454
00:19:49,293 --> 00:19:52,001
because I need everyone to like me,
and I freak out if they don't.

455
00:19:52,084 --> 00:19:53,709
Brett, why do you care about those guys?

456
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:56,626
They pushed you in a ventilation shaft
and covered you with rats.

457
00:19:56,709 --> 00:19:58,876
Yeah, but isn't that what friends do?

458
00:19:58,959 --> 00:20:02,376
No. Friends give each other rides
and good advice.

459
00:20:03,334 --> 00:20:05,459
-[siren wailing]
-[gasps]

460
00:20:05,543 --> 00:20:07,876
-[tires screeching]
-[both gasp]

461
00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:12,334
Come out with your hands up,
you pink-fleshed motherfuckers!

462
00:20:12,418 --> 00:20:13,793
You tell 'em, Bill.

463
00:20:15,126 --> 00:20:16,918
[dramatic music playing]

464
00:20:17,001 --> 00:20:18,543
[tires screeching]

465
00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:22,001
-[audience applauding and cheering]
-Thanks so much. Be kind to one another.

466
00:20:22,084 --> 00:20:23,834
-[laughs] Okay.
-[phone whooshes]

467
00:20:26,668 --> 00:20:28,793
Time to load up my Emmy cannon.

468
00:20:28,876 --> 00:20:30,418
[relaxing piano music playing]

469
00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:33,459
[in posh accent] I'll take my tea
in the panic room, thank you.

470
00:20:33,543 --> 00:20:35,709
-Anderson Cooper coming to you live from--
-[phone beeps]

471
00:20:35,793 --> 00:20:37,584
Uh, sorry, one moment.

472
00:20:37,668 --> 00:20:38,876
[hissing]

473
00:20:39,626 --> 00:20:42,668
Coming to you live
from the Reptoid Supreme Court.

474
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:45,418
Well, Reagan, the bad news is,

475
00:20:45,501 --> 00:20:47,626
if you lose this trial, it may mean war.

476
00:20:47,709 --> 00:20:50,876
The good news is, I got you
the best lawyer who cost us nothing.

477
00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:54,084
Don't worry about it, honey.
I can convince anyone of anything.

478
00:20:54,168 --> 00:20:57,209
Just today,
I convinced myself I was a lawyer.

479
00:20:57,293 --> 00:20:58,126
[groans]

480
00:20:58,209 --> 00:20:59,918
[sinister music playing]

481
00:21:00,501 --> 00:21:03,543
Please welcome
our high justice of the Reptoid Court,

482
00:21:03,626 --> 00:21:06,168
the immortal queen of darkness herself,

483
00:21:06,251 --> 00:21:08,126
Judge Judy!

484
00:21:08,209 --> 00:21:10,459
-[crowd cheering]
-[reptoid man] Judge Judy!

485
00:21:10,543 --> 00:21:12,501
Thank you, bailiff.
I have a shoot in 20 minutes,

486
00:21:12,584 --> 00:21:14,709
so let's make this quick.
What are the charges?

487
00:21:14,793 --> 00:21:17,793
Your Honor,
Ms. Ridley ripped off our leader's arms

488
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:20,459
in an act of hostile bigotry
towards reptoids.

489
00:21:20,543 --> 00:21:22,668
-[eerie music plays]
-[all gasp]

490
00:21:22,751 --> 00:21:24,334
-[reptoid 1] Boo!
-[reptoid 2] Boo!

491
00:21:24,418 --> 00:21:26,168
This true? You rip his arms off?

492
00:21:26,251 --> 00:21:28,001
Yes, technically. But--

493
00:21:28,084 --> 00:21:31,043
All right, rip her arms off
and call it even. Thank you.

494
00:21:31,126 --> 00:21:32,084
Your Honor, please.

495
00:21:32,168 --> 00:21:36,126
I intend to prove that my client might be,
damn, weird as shit,

496
00:21:36,209 --> 00:21:39,584
but she doesn't discriminate.
She's like that to everybody.

497
00:21:39,668 --> 00:21:41,793
The defense calls Brett Hand!

498
00:21:41,876 --> 00:21:44,376
Oh yeah, Reagan can't hug anybody.

499
00:21:44,459 --> 00:21:45,834
See this bruise on my face?

500
00:21:45,918 --> 00:21:48,834
That's from one of her hugs,
and we're friends.

501
00:21:49,459 --> 00:21:52,418
[sighs] I don't wanna diagnose,
but maybe Asperger's?

502
00:21:52,501 --> 00:21:53,543
Oh, come on!

503
00:21:53,626 --> 00:21:55,251
I plead the Fifth

504
00:21:55,334 --> 00:21:56,334
and the Second!

505
00:21:56,418 --> 00:21:57,584
[all yelp, exclaim]

506
00:21:57,668 --> 00:22:00,501
[Myc chuckles] She's always had
the hots for me but won't admit it.

507
00:22:00,584 --> 00:22:01,876
I mean, can you believe that?

508
00:22:01,959 --> 00:22:04,251
She's on her 95th HR violation.

509
00:22:04,334 --> 00:22:05,584
But who's counting?

510
00:22:05,668 --> 00:22:09,126
Me, I'm counting. Mr. Mothman is counting.

511
00:22:09,209 --> 00:22:10,418
I think this is working.

512
00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:12,959
[sarcastically] Yeah,
I love this. It feels great.

513
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:15,251
Sorry I'm late.

514
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:17,834
A father should never miss
his daughter's first sentencing.

515
00:22:17,918 --> 00:22:21,334
On the bright side, I finally finished
reassembling Bear-o, so…

516
00:22:21,418 --> 00:22:22,709
[chuckles] …that's something.

517
00:22:22,793 --> 00:22:24,001
You brought that thing?

518
00:22:24,084 --> 00:22:25,793
Dad, this is serious.

519
00:22:25,876 --> 00:22:28,126
I could be going to jail for a long time,

520
00:22:28,209 --> 00:22:30,293
all because for some mysterious reason,

521
00:22:30,376 --> 00:22:32,626
I am unable to fucking hug.

522
00:22:32,709 --> 00:22:36,084
[Bear-o] Hello, Reagan.
Would you like to give Bear-o a hug?

523
00:22:36,751 --> 00:22:39,584
[voice getting deeper] A hug, a hug, a…

524
00:22:41,334 --> 00:22:42,584
[crying]

525
00:22:42,668 --> 00:22:44,418
Uh-oh. Someone needs a hug.

526
00:22:45,459 --> 00:22:49,501
[Bear-o] There, there.
It's me, Bear-o. Initiating hug.

527
00:22:49,584 --> 00:22:51,418
[yelps] No, Bear-o!

528
00:22:52,959 --> 00:22:54,459
-[Bear-o] Initiating hug.
-Agh! Bear-o!

529
00:22:55,043 --> 00:22:56,543
-[Bear-o] Initiating hug.
-Agh! Bear-o!

530
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:58,959
-[Bear-o] Initiating hug.
-No, Bear-o!

531
00:22:59,043 --> 00:23:00,959
-[Bear-o] Initiating hug.
-[kids scream]

532
00:23:01,043 --> 00:23:02,251
[Bear-o's voice overlapping]

533
00:23:02,918 --> 00:23:06,209
Holy shit. You never hugged me.

534
00:23:06,293 --> 00:23:09,126
You made a robot bear do it instead.

535
00:23:09,209 --> 00:23:12,126
And I was so traumatized
that I repressed the memory for years!

536
00:23:12,209 --> 00:23:15,001
That's why I can't hug anyone
without losing my shit!

537
00:23:15,084 --> 00:23:16,501
Order! Ms. Ridley.

538
00:23:16,584 --> 00:23:20,001
Your Honor, allow me to call
Rand Ridley to the stand.

539
00:23:21,084 --> 00:23:23,418
I swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth,

540
00:23:23,501 --> 00:23:26,376
and nothing but the truth,
so help me Godzilla 2000.

541
00:23:27,001 --> 00:23:29,543
Would you call yourself a good father?

542
00:23:29,626 --> 00:23:32,584
I gave you a roof and stellar genetics,

543
00:23:32,668 --> 00:23:36,251
so despite what you may read
in any poorly written airport rags,

544
00:23:36,334 --> 00:23:38,251
yeah, I was a good father.

545
00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:41,334
I even created this amazing robot

546
00:23:41,418 --> 00:23:43,459
so it could hug you
whenever I wasn't around,

547
00:23:43,543 --> 00:23:44,501
which was always.

548
00:23:44,584 --> 00:23:45,751
[all gasp]

549
00:23:45,834 --> 00:23:48,543
What, people?
That touchy-feely crap makes you weak.

550
00:23:48,626 --> 00:23:50,709
My outside-the-box parenting

551
00:23:50,793 --> 00:23:54,418
raised a girl who's strong enough
to nearly murder a diplomat.

552
00:23:54,501 --> 00:23:56,668
[Bear-o] Bear-o is proud of Reagan.

553
00:23:56,751 --> 00:23:58,918
Oh, shut the fuck up, Bear-o.

554
00:23:59,001 --> 00:24:01,668
Your shitty parenting
messed me up for life,

555
00:24:01,751 --> 00:24:04,668
and now I guess I'm broken forever.

556
00:24:06,459 --> 00:24:09,918
Hey, look, you know,
family is an experiment.

557
00:24:10,001 --> 00:24:13,418
And maybe not all my experiments
are perfect.

558
00:24:13,918 --> 00:24:15,501
-[splats]
-[reptoid woman wails]

559
00:24:15,584 --> 00:24:18,418
I guess we could give this a try.

560
00:24:18,501 --> 00:24:20,501
[heartfelt music playing]

561
00:24:22,626 --> 00:24:25,043
All right. I mean,
is this doing anything for you?

562
00:24:25,126 --> 00:24:26,793
-No, not really.
-Yeah, it feels weird.

563
00:24:26,876 --> 00:24:28,626
-Right? That's what I'm saying.
-Super forced.

564
00:24:28,709 --> 00:24:30,501
-Why do people do this?
-[grunts]

565
00:24:31,084 --> 00:24:33,251
-That helped.
-[chuckles]

566
00:24:33,334 --> 00:24:34,251
Well, I've seen enough.

567
00:24:34,334 --> 00:24:37,376
Ms. Ridley, you've clearly learned
some bad habits from this man.

568
00:24:37,459 --> 00:24:39,501
I'm surprised
you don't rip everyone's arms off.

569
00:24:39,584 --> 00:24:41,168
But I can't just let you off the hook,

570
00:24:41,251 --> 00:24:43,418
so I'm sentencing
you to court-ordered therapy

571
00:24:43,501 --> 00:24:45,168
in the form of… [hisses]

572
00:24:45,251 --> 00:24:47,251
…the traditional reptoid group hug.

573
00:24:47,334 --> 00:24:48,209
Wait, what's this now?

574
00:24:50,293 --> 00:24:51,459
[reptoids hissing]

575
00:24:51,543 --> 00:24:52,751
[sniffing]

576
00:24:53,793 --> 00:24:56,126
I'm deciding this is okay.

577
00:24:56,209 --> 00:24:57,709
[sexy music playing]

578
00:24:57,793 --> 00:24:59,043
[reptoids moaning]

579
00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:02,793
Oh God, this is an orgy, isn't it?

580
00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:04,793
Oh yes. Yes, it is!

581
00:25:04,876 --> 00:25:07,459
-[reptoids moaning]
-[Judge Judy] Gavel. Give me the gavel.

582
00:25:07,543 --> 00:25:08,876
Give me the gavel!

583
00:25:08,959 --> 00:25:11,334
[gasps] This is it. It's happening.

584
00:25:11,418 --> 00:25:16,251
[Myc chuckles] Hello, HR.
Who's ready for some gross misconduct?

585
00:25:16,334 --> 00:25:18,251
[both chuckle] Incoming!

586
00:25:18,334 --> 00:25:19,459
Hey, guys, wait for…

587
00:25:20,084 --> 00:25:21,501
You know what? No.

588
00:25:21,584 --> 00:25:25,043
I don't need to have sex
with 100 strangers just to fit in,

589
00:25:25,126 --> 00:25:28,459
'cause I have a new frat now, Cognito Inc.

590
00:25:28,543 --> 00:25:31,543
I'm gonna watch though. I have questions.

591
00:25:31,626 --> 00:25:33,543
[reptoids hissing]

592
00:25:34,043 --> 00:25:37,293
Zarthax, I hope
you'll accept these as an apology.

593
00:25:37,376 --> 00:25:39,959
They might be helpful
till your real ones grow back.

594
00:25:40,043 --> 00:25:40,876
[whirring]

595
00:25:40,959 --> 00:25:43,043
Well, these will do nicely.

596
00:25:43,126 --> 00:25:45,584
What do you say, J.R.? Ready to re-up?

597
00:25:45,668 --> 00:25:47,584
Really? After all this?

598
00:25:47,668 --> 00:25:48,834
Business is business.

599
00:25:48,918 --> 00:25:51,918
We were hoping you'd found an upgrade
since Rand's departure,

600
00:25:52,001 --> 00:25:54,709
and as far as we can tell, you have.

601
00:25:54,793 --> 00:25:56,334
[soft music playing]

602
00:25:56,418 --> 00:25:57,584
[sighs in relief]

603
00:25:59,043 --> 00:26:02,918
Maybe physical boundaries are good.
Maybe no one should touch each other ever.

604
00:26:03,001 --> 00:26:04,001
Want a ride, kiddo?

605
00:26:04,834 --> 00:26:06,293
Yeah, I'll take a ride.

606
00:26:07,584 --> 00:26:09,876
Hey, Dad, I just wanted to say…

607
00:26:09,959 --> 00:26:11,793
[in robotic voice] …I tolerate you.

608
00:26:12,293 --> 00:26:14,084
I tolerate you too, kiddo.

609
00:26:14,668 --> 00:26:17,668
-So, one question.
-Please don't ask me if you're a good dad.

610
00:26:17,751 --> 00:26:20,501
[Rand] Eh? I was gonna ask
if you think I could pull off a goatee.

611
00:26:20,584 --> 00:26:21,834
Of course I'm a good dad.

612
00:26:21,918 --> 00:26:24,043
-I just saved your ass.
-[Reagan] No, I saved my ass.

613
00:26:24,126 --> 00:26:26,584
-[Rand] Okay, well…
-[Myc] Is anyone taping this?

614
00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:29,043
Just kidding. I am.

615
00:26:29,709 --> 00:26:33,043
I'm sorry, sir,
but you tested positive for iguanarrhea.

616
00:26:33,126 --> 00:26:35,126
-[shouts] Motherfucker!
-I wasn't done.

617
00:26:35,209 --> 00:26:38,418
Iguanarrhea, clawmydia, sssyphilis,

618
00:26:38,501 --> 00:26:41,501
scalebies, explosive cloaca disease.

619
00:26:41,584 --> 00:26:42,834
Oh yeah, and mushroom herpes.

620
00:26:42,918 --> 00:26:44,501
Wait. What was that last one?

621
00:26:44,584 --> 00:26:46,584
[electronic music playing]