1 00:00:12,126 --> 00:00:14,251 Well, that's the last of Dad's stuff. 2 00:00:14,334 --> 00:00:16,918 It doesn't spark joy, which is why I'm getting rid of it. 3 00:00:17,001 --> 00:00:19,084 It's the same reason I got rid of your father. 4 00:00:19,168 --> 00:00:20,709 Jesus, Mom, harsh. 5 00:00:20,793 --> 00:00:22,876 -Are you talking about me? 6 00:00:22,959 --> 00:00:24,459 I'm not dealing with this! 7 00:00:24,543 --> 00:00:26,584 I'm filled with light and love. 8 00:00:26,668 --> 00:00:28,418 Light and love, asshole! 9 00:00:28,501 --> 00:00:30,418 Oh, the hell you are! 10 00:00:31,001 --> 00:00:32,168 Okay, I kind of get it. 11 00:00:32,251 --> 00:00:35,501 Luckily, divorcing your father this year has finally given me time 12 00:00:35,584 --> 00:00:37,709 to transform my pain into art. 13 00:00:38,293 --> 00:00:43,459 "Knight of Passion, a sexventure by Tamiko Ridley." 14 00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:45,793 "One woman's erotic personal journey 15 00:00:45,876 --> 00:00:47,918 divorcing her narcissist husband 16 00:00:48,001 --> 00:00:50,709 and dealing with a daughter with Asperger's." 17 00:00:50,793 --> 00:00:53,543 Wait, what the hell? You think I have Asperger's? 18 00:00:54,293 --> 00:00:56,084 -No. -Oh, okay. 19 00:00:56,168 --> 00:00:57,584 See, you couldn't tell I was lying. 20 00:00:57,668 --> 00:01:00,084 You ought to look that condition up. It gets worse over time. 21 00:01:00,168 --> 00:01:01,584 Ciao, darling! 22 00:01:02,084 --> 00:01:04,168 How was she? Did she look unhappy? 23 00:01:04,251 --> 00:01:06,293 How fulfilled did she look, physically? 24 00:01:06,376 --> 00:01:07,334 She's still Mom, 25 00:01:07,418 --> 00:01:10,626 undercutting my confidence in ways I didn't know existed. 26 00:01:11,126 --> 00:01:12,584 Man, what is all this stuff? 27 00:01:12,668 --> 00:01:14,043 My old inventions. 28 00:01:14,126 --> 00:01:16,876 Remember that robot teddy bear I invented for you? 29 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:19,293 And here's that pair of walkie-talkie headgear. 30 00:01:19,376 --> 00:01:21,501 Remember your third grade photo? 31 00:01:22,084 --> 00:01:26,168 Ugh! Dad, I can't keep track of every traumatizing thing you invented. 32 00:01:26,251 --> 00:01:27,126 What's this? 33 00:01:27,209 --> 00:01:29,084 Eh. Probably a garage door opener. 34 00:01:35,126 --> 00:01:38,584 -Three, two, one. 35 00:02:04,293 --> 00:02:06,584 Sorry I'm late. I've dealt with nuclear standoffs 36 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,251 less stressful than my parents' divorce. 37 00:02:08,334 --> 00:02:11,334 -Ooh, girl, your eyes are sunken. 38 00:02:11,418 --> 00:02:14,376 You look like if Steve Buscemi made it with Steve Buscemi. You okay? 39 00:02:14,459 --> 00:02:15,584 Guys, I'm honestly fine. 40 00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:19,126 I've been channeling my stress into this scream bag 41 00:02:19,209 --> 00:02:20,918 and into my latest invention. 42 00:02:21,001 --> 00:02:23,834 Behold, the Productivitron. 43 00:02:23,918 --> 00:02:25,709 -Oh God, robot arms! -Christ Almighty! 44 00:02:25,793 --> 00:02:27,418 I'm still working out the kinks, 45 00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:32,834 but it's a set of bio-cranial robot arms that will increase my productivity 600%! 46 00:02:32,918 --> 00:02:36,751 Now I can simultaneously finish paperwork, ignore my dad's texts, 47 00:02:36,834 --> 00:02:39,543 and, you know, strangle anyone who crosses me, I guess. 48 00:02:41,834 --> 00:02:44,418 Every day you edge closer to becoming a supervillain. 49 00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:47,334 Oh God, what's that? 50 00:02:47,418 --> 00:02:49,459 Is it a nuclear disaster? 51 00:02:49,543 --> 00:02:53,001 No, it's even worse! It's a PR disaster! 52 00:02:53,084 --> 00:02:57,043 I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. This is a 13-alarm crap fire. 53 00:02:57,126 --> 00:03:00,834 I accidentally hit "reply all" to a company-wide email 54 00:03:00,918 --> 00:03:05,459 where I made a very un-PC joke about reptoids. 55 00:03:05,543 --> 00:03:08,293 -Question. What is reptoids? 56 00:03:08,376 --> 00:03:10,626 Oh, just your classic shape-shifting lizard people 57 00:03:10,709 --> 00:03:12,293 that live in secret amongst humanity. 58 00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:15,876 Mm-hmm. We're talking politicians, celebrities. 59 00:03:15,959 --> 00:03:18,418 Madonna's an iguana? 60 00:03:18,501 --> 00:03:21,168 Reptoids provide a lot of our company's funding, 61 00:03:21,251 --> 00:03:24,793 and in exchange, we prevent the world from doing anything about global warming 62 00:03:24,876 --> 00:03:26,584 to keep them at their preferred body heat. 63 00:03:26,668 --> 00:03:27,959 The system works. 64 00:03:28,043 --> 00:03:29,543 If we wanna keep this year's funding, 65 00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,543 we need to kiss ass at their annual Reptoid Gala 66 00:03:32,626 --> 00:03:34,334 to get them to sign this contract. 67 00:03:34,418 --> 00:03:36,918 It's being held at their stronghold at Yale. 68 00:03:37,001 --> 00:03:38,709 Ah, I remember my days at Yale. 69 00:03:38,793 --> 00:03:40,834 I was the most popular guy in my frat. 70 00:03:40,918 --> 00:03:42,876 They hazed me every year. 71 00:03:42,959 --> 00:03:44,959 -Sounds like they hated you? 72 00:03:45,043 --> 00:03:47,209 Nice haze burn, Andre. You must really like me. 73 00:03:47,793 --> 00:03:48,626 Do I have to go? 74 00:03:48,709 --> 00:03:50,626 Follow-up question. Do I have to wear a dress? 75 00:03:50,709 --> 00:03:53,751 Follow-up to the follow-up. Does it have to be a stain-free dress? 76 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,334 No, you can't recycle 77 00:03:55,418 --> 00:03:58,584 your old Space Jam prom dress yet again, Reagan. 78 00:03:58,668 --> 00:03:59,668 This is serious. 79 00:03:59,751 --> 00:04:01,334 What? That dress is awesome. 80 00:04:01,418 --> 00:04:03,751 And if you don't agree, you're a Mon-- 81 00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:05,168 Monstar. Yeah, yeah. 82 00:04:05,251 --> 00:04:06,126 Normal dress! 83 00:04:06,209 --> 00:04:08,376 And for the love of God, comb your hair. 84 00:04:08,459 --> 00:04:09,918 It's a sign of respect. 85 00:04:10,001 --> 00:04:12,876 Why should we give those reptoid freaks respect? 86 00:04:12,959 --> 00:04:15,793 Half-man, half-animal. They're disgusting! 87 00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:18,168 Easy, big guy. Have a mackerel. 88 00:04:19,876 --> 00:04:24,251 Glenn, that's exactly the kind of no-no talk that could end our funding, 89 00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:28,626 which is why I've signed you all up for reptoid sensitivity training. 90 00:04:30,209 --> 00:04:31,751 Training? Hell yeah. 91 00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:33,626 Who's ready to get some reps in? 92 00:04:33,709 --> 00:04:35,001 Oh no. 93 00:04:35,084 --> 00:04:38,293 Is "reps" offensive to say? 94 00:04:39,209 --> 00:04:42,209 Hi, everyone. Welcome to Inhuman Resources. 95 00:04:42,293 --> 00:04:44,001 I'm Mr. Mothman. 96 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:45,584 I'm a Mothman. 97 00:04:45,668 --> 00:04:47,751 Let's talk about reptoids. 98 00:04:47,834 --> 00:04:52,251 Be sure to follow these dos and don'ts to avoid a diplomatic incident. 99 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:56,251 Do offer them a cricket, mouse, or vole out of your pocket. 100 00:04:56,334 --> 00:04:58,001 Fun fact about voles, 101 00:04:58,084 --> 00:04:59,501 a vole ate my father. 102 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:04,168 Don't use loaded phrases like "hissy fit," 103 00:05:04,251 --> 00:05:06,251 or "see you later, alligator." 104 00:05:06,334 --> 00:05:09,626 Got it. Be respectful. So when do we talk about the orgies? 105 00:05:09,709 --> 00:05:11,293 -Boo! -Oh, come on! 106 00:05:11,376 --> 00:05:14,251 What? Everyone knows reptoids have orgies. 107 00:05:14,334 --> 00:05:19,418 Sign me up. I love sex, and I am fucking good at it. 108 00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:21,251 This is okay to say in here, right? 109 00:05:21,334 --> 00:05:23,126 This is an HR meeting! 110 00:05:23,209 --> 00:05:26,043 Andre, Myc, shut the hell up, or I will castrate you. 111 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:29,626 Ha! Good luck figuring out which one of my tentacles is a dick. 112 00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:33,584 Trick question, it's all of them. 113 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,626 As a final training step, 114 00:05:36,709 --> 00:05:39,209 we're gonna practice the traditional reptoid greeting, 115 00:05:39,293 --> 00:05:42,376 a firm, nonsexual hug to transfer warmth. 116 00:05:42,459 --> 00:05:45,001 Hugs! This is my jam. 117 00:05:45,084 --> 00:05:49,168 Hug? Like, with… with our bodies touching other people's bodies? 118 00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:52,418 Mmm. Oh that's nice. 119 00:05:52,501 --> 00:05:54,543 Mmm. Huh, back for seconds? 120 00:05:56,126 --> 00:05:58,834 -You okay, Reagan? -Yeah, I'm… I'm just… I'm… I'm fine. 121 00:05:58,918 --> 00:06:02,334 I'm ju… I'm practicing a hug that a normal person would do. 122 00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:07,293 What was that? 123 00:06:07,376 --> 00:06:08,668 I… I don't know. 124 00:06:08,751 --> 00:06:11,459 Elliot Mothman, you need to finish your master's 125 00:06:11,543 --> 00:06:13,376 and get the fuck out of this office. 126 00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:17,251 Brett, congratulations. 127 00:06:17,334 --> 00:06:19,501 As the one person who didn't assault anyone, 128 00:06:19,584 --> 00:06:21,709 physically or sexually, in that meeting, 129 00:06:21,793 --> 00:06:25,168 I want you to give the ceremonial toast at the gala tonight. 130 00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:26,168 Nice! 131 00:06:26,251 --> 00:06:28,543 And, Reagan, whatever this problem is, fix it. 132 00:06:28,626 --> 00:06:31,584 We can't risk an episode like this in front of the reptoids. 133 00:06:31,668 --> 00:06:34,251 I am so sorry about that. I don't know what came over me. 134 00:06:34,334 --> 00:06:37,709 My body just auto-punched when I felt that hug close in. 135 00:06:37,793 --> 00:06:41,501 -I'm done listening now. -What the hell is wrong with me? 136 00:06:41,584 --> 00:06:44,793 Yeah, not gonna lie, even for you, that's Reaganier than usual. 137 00:06:44,876 --> 00:06:47,918 Maybe you should tell J.R. you're gonna sit this one out. 138 00:06:48,001 --> 00:06:51,709 Brett, I'm going to this goddamn party. I'm gonna figure this out and prove 139 00:06:51,793 --> 00:06:55,043 that I am not the socially inept weirdo that everyone thinks I am. 140 00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:59,668 Diggity denial. I love it. 141 00:07:02,001 --> 00:07:04,126 Bullshit, lies, slander! 142 00:07:04,209 --> 00:07:07,043 This novel is all thinly veiled horny criticism 143 00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:07,959 of our lives. 144 00:07:08,043 --> 00:07:09,626 Oh, you found Mom's book. 145 00:07:09,709 --> 00:07:10,543 Listen to this. 146 00:07:10,626 --> 00:07:14,501 "Lord Randrew was a terrible husband and an even worse father." 147 00:07:14,584 --> 00:07:16,209 Me? A bad dad? 148 00:07:17,043 --> 00:07:19,751 Would a bad dad make his little girl this? 149 00:07:21,084 --> 00:07:24,168 Ugh. Why are you putting that horror show back together? 150 00:07:24,251 --> 00:07:27,293 To set the record straight. I took care of your every need, 151 00:07:27,376 --> 00:07:30,668 and I have a whole box of inventions to prove it. 152 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,918 Look at this! Boy-repelling pheromone spray, huh? 153 00:07:34,001 --> 00:07:35,668 Who needs birth control now? 154 00:07:35,751 --> 00:07:39,543 The Britney Spears perfume you gave me was literal boy repellent? 155 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:43,793 Yep. See? Any time you had a problem, I invented something to fix it. 156 00:07:44,293 --> 00:07:47,334 "Invented something to fix it." 157 00:07:57,418 --> 00:08:00,084 This place smells like Teslas and inbreeding. 158 00:08:00,168 --> 00:08:01,126 Ooh, boy. 159 00:08:01,209 --> 00:08:04,709 This fungi is ready for fun, guys! 160 00:08:06,126 --> 00:08:06,959 What was that? 161 00:08:07,043 --> 00:08:09,709 Nothing. Who's ready to partay? 162 00:08:10,209 --> 00:08:13,668 Now, remember, everyone, we need that contract, so no slipups. 163 00:08:13,751 --> 00:08:17,209 Don't point and stare. Don't touch their throat sacs. 164 00:08:17,293 --> 00:08:21,376 And if a lizard asks you your favorite Hogwarts house, what do you say? 165 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:24,293 -Slytherin! -Hufflepuff. I mean, Slytherin. 166 00:08:24,376 --> 00:08:26,543 Oh, honey, you ain't fooling anybody. 167 00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,168 Password. 168 00:08:30,251 --> 00:08:32,918 Oh hell, it's something in Latin, I think. 169 00:08:33,001 --> 00:08:36,043 Uh, dra… draconius pluribus… I don't know. 170 00:08:36,126 --> 00:08:38,543 Look, here's how much money's in my bank account. 171 00:08:39,168 --> 00:08:40,251 Welcome. 172 00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:45,043 -Welcome to the other side. 173 00:08:45,126 --> 00:08:49,293 You wanna talk about connections? These preptiles literally have blue blood. 174 00:08:50,418 --> 00:08:52,584 This is incredible. 175 00:08:52,668 --> 00:08:55,126 I can't believe who's secretly a reptoid. 176 00:08:55,209 --> 00:08:58,084 Anderson Cooper? Taylor Swift? 177 00:08:58,168 --> 00:09:01,501 So the song "Shake It Off" was about how I shed my skin every thousand years, 178 00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:03,168 and the song "Bad Blood" was about 179 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,584 how I drink blood out of my Grammys. 180 00:09:06,251 --> 00:09:08,334 A toast to blood! 181 00:09:08,418 --> 00:09:09,876 Save some blood for Paul Rudd! 182 00:09:11,876 --> 00:09:14,584 So that's why Paul Rudd never ages. 183 00:09:14,668 --> 00:09:17,834 Oh, oh, look. Sex masks. It's happening. 184 00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,459 Reagan, did you take care of your hug problem? 185 00:09:21,543 --> 00:09:25,001 -Let's just say I've got it in the bag. 186 00:09:25,084 --> 00:09:28,168 Unless you have 30 years of therapy in there, I'm skeptical. 187 00:09:28,251 --> 00:09:31,084 I'm going to find the diplomats. Brett, practice your speech. 188 00:09:31,168 --> 00:09:32,709 Glenn, don't say anything racist. 189 00:09:32,793 --> 00:09:34,918 Gigi, make sure Glenn doesn't say anything racist. 190 00:09:35,001 --> 00:09:36,751 Just like Mel Gibson's Hanukkah special. 191 00:09:36,834 --> 00:09:37,668 -Got it. 192 00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:38,793 And Reagan… 193 00:09:38,876 --> 00:09:39,918 Reagan? 194 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,251 Prepare to interact socially. 195 00:09:47,334 --> 00:09:49,376 Reaction hologram on. 196 00:09:49,459 --> 00:09:51,251 I am reacting appropriately 197 00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:54,168 to the thing you just said. Small talk acknowledged. 198 00:09:54,251 --> 00:09:56,918 Eh, that's a bit much. But these work! 199 00:09:58,334 --> 00:10:01,626 Ha ha! Who's an antisocial weirdo now? 200 00:10:01,709 --> 00:10:04,626 Not the girl who invented robot arms to hug strangers. 201 00:10:04,709 --> 00:10:06,543 Oh my God, I sound insane. 202 00:10:09,293 --> 00:10:12,959 Ah, Yale. I've gone from public streaker to public speaker. 203 00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:15,709 If only my frat brothers could see me now. 204 00:10:15,793 --> 00:10:17,209 Handjob? 205 00:10:17,293 --> 00:10:19,334 PJ? Skwoo? 206 00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:21,126 Up, down, roofie, roofie, 207 00:10:21,209 --> 00:10:23,168 become a Supreme Court justice. 208 00:10:23,251 --> 00:10:25,376 And nut punch! 209 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,959 Oh man, I haven't been punched in the nuts in years. 210 00:10:30,043 --> 00:10:32,043 What are you two doing here? 211 00:10:32,126 --> 00:10:33,543 Don't you know this event is for… 212 00:10:33,626 --> 00:10:35,584 …izard-lay eople-pay? 213 00:10:35,668 --> 00:10:37,668 So about that… 214 00:10:39,793 --> 00:10:43,584 What? You guys were reptoids all this time? 215 00:10:43,668 --> 00:10:46,334 Why didn't you tell me? I'm your frat brother. 216 00:10:46,418 --> 00:10:48,501 I gave you my kidney. 217 00:10:49,001 --> 00:10:50,918 And it was delicious. 218 00:10:51,001 --> 00:10:54,876 Honestly, we only revealed our secrets to brothers who reached level six. 219 00:10:55,459 --> 00:10:57,334 -You never got that high. 220 00:10:57,418 --> 00:11:00,959 Guys, I'm Brett Hand, campus legend. 221 00:11:01,043 --> 00:11:03,459 Whatever it takes, I'm getting that ring. 222 00:11:03,543 --> 00:11:06,626 I don't know. I mean, first you'd have to prove your loyalty 223 00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,126 -by stripping down and-- 224 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:11,876 Wow, you just didn't even wait for me to finish my sentence. 225 00:11:11,959 --> 00:11:14,126 Let the hazing begin! 226 00:11:22,043 --> 00:11:23,543 Reagan, there you are. 227 00:11:23,626 --> 00:11:25,668 Try not to look like you're getting a colonoscopy. 228 00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:27,293 I need to find the reptoid honchos and-- 229 00:11:27,376 --> 00:11:28,793 -J.R. -Ah! 230 00:11:28,876 --> 00:11:32,251 Oh! There you are, you old rascals. 231 00:11:32,334 --> 00:11:35,126 Reagan, meet my favorite reptoidsentatives, 232 00:11:35,209 --> 00:11:39,584 Barb Shrike and Zarthax Griswold Walton of the Reptoid High Council. 233 00:11:39,668 --> 00:11:42,001 Good evening, Your, uh, Lizardness. 234 00:11:42,084 --> 00:11:43,918 Oh, we're not that important. 235 00:11:44,001 --> 00:11:47,709 It's not like we control the world… yet! 236 00:11:51,376 --> 00:11:54,584 You know, all this laughing is putting me in a contract-signing mood. 237 00:11:54,668 --> 00:11:56,334 I've got next year's budget right here 238 00:11:56,418 --> 00:11:58,418 if you wanna just give her the old John Hancock. 239 00:11:58,501 --> 00:12:00,001 Not so fast, J.R. 240 00:12:00,084 --> 00:12:03,418 Don't think we missed your hilarious email. 241 00:12:03,918 --> 00:12:05,959 If you want us to embrace your funding, 242 00:12:06,043 --> 00:12:09,376 we need to know that your company takes us seriously. 243 00:12:09,459 --> 00:12:11,168 We absolutely do. 244 00:12:11,668 --> 00:12:12,584 Right, Reagan? 245 00:12:14,043 --> 00:12:15,459 Uh… 246 00:12:20,084 --> 00:12:22,834 Well, that was an impressively firm hug. 247 00:12:22,918 --> 00:12:25,376 I think you might have popped a disc back into place. 248 00:12:25,459 --> 00:12:27,334 -Oh, my turn. 249 00:12:27,418 --> 00:12:29,334 Wow, can you be my chiropractor? 250 00:12:29,418 --> 00:12:30,751 Not for free, I can't. 251 00:12:33,251 --> 00:12:36,418 She gets it. And I absolutely love your skin. 252 00:12:36,501 --> 00:12:38,084 How do you get it that scaly? 253 00:12:38,168 --> 00:12:41,293 Hey, fuck you… using moisturizer! 254 00:12:41,376 --> 00:12:43,334 The drier the better, right, baby? 255 00:12:43,418 --> 00:12:45,084 Mmm, I like this one. 256 00:12:45,168 --> 00:12:47,668 J.R., let's talk contracts after the ceremony. 257 00:12:47,751 --> 00:12:49,209 And make sure you bring her. 258 00:12:49,293 --> 00:12:52,668 Ha! I did it! I think I just conquered my weird mental hang-up 259 00:12:52,751 --> 00:12:54,626 without any self-examination. 260 00:12:54,709 --> 00:12:56,334 -Yeah! -You're a hit! 261 00:12:56,418 --> 00:12:58,501 Ooh, let me introduce you to Al Gore. 262 00:12:58,584 --> 00:13:02,001 My real name is Alligator Gore. 263 00:13:08,084 --> 00:13:11,043 -Huh? -Oh. Come on, man. Where's the action? 264 00:13:11,126 --> 00:13:13,334 I'm peaking. I don't wanna miss this. 265 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,959 One of these has gotta be the secret door. Okay, what is it? 266 00:13:16,043 --> 00:13:18,043 Secret door, secret door… 267 00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:22,001 Ugh, these are just actual books. 268 00:13:22,084 --> 00:13:23,959 Books are like the opposite of sex! 269 00:13:24,043 --> 00:13:26,209 This place is such a croc tease. 270 00:13:26,293 --> 00:13:28,668 -Harder, my bros! 271 00:13:28,751 --> 00:13:31,459 Whoo. Yeah, you got it. 272 00:13:31,543 --> 00:13:34,751 Don't patronize me, Skwoo. Make me earn it. 273 00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:37,334 Eh, you're right. We've been holding back on you. 274 00:13:37,418 --> 00:13:42,209 Uh, it's time to take you to the Chamber of Secrets. 275 00:13:42,293 --> 00:13:46,251 Reveal your secrets to the chamber. 276 00:13:46,334 --> 00:13:48,168 Here's one. Um, I stay awake at night… 277 00:13:48,251 --> 00:13:50,709 …because I don't even know what my favorite color is, 278 00:13:50,793 --> 00:13:53,126 and I'm afraid I don't have a real personality. 279 00:13:53,626 --> 00:13:55,376 Wow, that is dark. 280 00:13:55,459 --> 00:13:57,251 Speaking of dark, catch you on the other side. 281 00:13:59,834 --> 00:14:02,209 Hiss, hiss. So lovely to meet you. 282 00:14:04,126 --> 00:14:05,251 Lovely. 283 00:14:05,334 --> 00:14:07,334 Reagan, you're the life of this party. 284 00:14:07,418 --> 00:14:10,668 That's the most natural smile I've ever seen out of Mark Zuckerberg. 285 00:14:13,959 --> 00:14:16,043 Huh. You never should've doubted me, J.R. 286 00:14:16,126 --> 00:14:20,126 With this brain and these arms, I can do literally anything. 287 00:14:20,209 --> 00:14:25,168 Everyone to the main stage. The celebration is about to begin! 288 00:14:25,251 --> 00:14:27,876 Boo! Go back to your terrariums! 289 00:14:34,376 --> 00:14:37,918 All rise for the reptilian anthem! 290 00:14:51,376 --> 00:14:54,084 Let's get down to lizness. 291 00:14:54,168 --> 00:14:56,334 We reptoids have had a great decade. 292 00:14:56,418 --> 00:14:58,501 Thanks to propaganda in the media, 293 00:14:58,584 --> 00:15:01,709 we have made society more tolerant of our kind, 294 00:15:01,793 --> 00:15:04,168 from the Geico Gecko to The Shape of Water. 295 00:15:05,209 --> 00:15:09,418 We even got K. Rool in Smash! We did it, everyone! 296 00:15:09,501 --> 00:15:11,459 The world temperature is rising. 297 00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:13,168 The time is coming, brethren. 298 00:15:13,251 --> 00:15:15,418 Soon we shall fulfill the prophecy, 299 00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:21,543 overthrow humanity, and become the true rulers of the world! 300 00:15:21,626 --> 00:15:24,626 They say that every year, but they're never gonna do it. 301 00:15:24,709 --> 00:15:28,876 And now, a look back at the reptoids we lost this year. 302 00:15:35,043 --> 00:15:37,001 -It's almost time for the speech. 303 00:15:37,084 --> 00:15:38,334 Where's Brett? 304 00:15:40,084 --> 00:15:43,251 Oh man, I can't wait till I get to level six. 305 00:15:43,334 --> 00:15:45,709 I bet that's when they let you into the group text chat. 306 00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:47,084 Hey, my blindfold! 307 00:15:48,876 --> 00:15:50,626 Oh my God! Oh my God! 308 00:15:50,709 --> 00:15:53,626 He's just as pathetic as he was in college. 309 00:15:53,709 --> 00:15:55,251 Hey, hey. Who am I? Who am I? 310 00:15:55,334 --> 00:15:59,293 Uh, I think I'm popular, but nobody can stand me. 311 00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:00,251 Brett Hand. 312 00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:01,418 Ooh! 313 00:16:01,501 --> 00:16:02,834 He got it! He got it! 314 00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:05,918 -Bros? But I thought I was a legend. 315 00:16:08,418 --> 00:16:10,084 Maybe you'll be my friends. 316 00:16:10,584 --> 00:16:12,168 Ah! Ah! Ah! Rats! 317 00:16:12,251 --> 00:16:13,751 Rats are biting my dick! 318 00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:15,751 …soon hear from our human partner. 319 00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:17,668 This is a disaster. Brett's missing! 320 00:16:17,751 --> 00:16:20,459 And I can't give the speech, because I spilled dip on my crotch, 321 00:16:20,543 --> 00:16:22,251 and I cannot stand up! 322 00:16:22,334 --> 00:16:24,293 Reagan, I need you to give the speech. 323 00:16:24,376 --> 00:16:25,334 What, me? 324 00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:28,001 You said it yourself. You've conquered all your issues. 325 00:16:28,084 --> 00:16:30,168 -But-- -Go, go! You're going to crush it. 326 00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:36,626 And now, please give a warm welcome to Cognito Inc. 327 00:16:44,626 --> 00:16:47,209 Ah! What is up, reptoids? 328 00:16:47,293 --> 00:16:51,668 Anybody here from a… a subterranean lair? 329 00:16:54,168 --> 00:16:55,376 But seriously, 330 00:16:55,876 --> 00:16:59,126 reptoids, humans, we're not so different. 331 00:16:59,209 --> 00:17:02,751 We all have hearts, minds, um, 332 00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:03,959 cloacas? 333 00:17:04,043 --> 00:17:05,626 I do have a cloaca. 334 00:17:07,543 --> 00:17:10,001 Sure, we may have messed up in the past 335 00:17:10,084 --> 00:17:14,334 but not as bad as those idiot Atlantians. 336 00:17:14,418 --> 00:17:16,626 -Fuck Atlantis! 337 00:17:16,709 --> 00:17:18,168 Oh my God. 338 00:17:18,751 --> 00:17:20,501 I'm Reagan Ridley, 339 00:17:20,584 --> 00:17:22,793 and on behalf of Cognito Inc., 340 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:26,168 let us raise a glass to our continued alliance. 341 00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:35,376 Oh, thank Christ. 342 00:17:35,459 --> 00:17:38,459 Reagan Ridley from Cognito Inc., everyone. 343 00:17:38,543 --> 00:17:40,501 Ha! Bring it in, buddy. 344 00:17:40,584 --> 00:17:42,668 -That's too tight. Help. 345 00:17:42,751 --> 00:17:45,584 -You're crushing me! -Wait, sorry. Let me just-- Reverse! 346 00:17:51,126 --> 00:17:53,918 Oh God, my arms! My arms! 347 00:18:03,918 --> 00:18:06,334 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 348 00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,251 She's trying to run! Grab her! 349 00:18:09,001 --> 00:18:10,918 Sorry! I didn't mean that! 350 00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:13,251 -Hmm. 351 00:18:21,876 --> 00:18:22,793 Huh? 352 00:18:23,376 --> 00:18:24,751 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 353 00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:27,334 -We're not friends at all! 354 00:18:31,209 --> 00:18:32,376 Go, go, go! 355 00:18:34,376 --> 00:18:36,876 Are you also being chased by a horde of rats? 356 00:18:36,959 --> 00:18:39,043 What? No. Why are you naked? 357 00:18:39,126 --> 00:18:40,709 Tonight was complicated! 358 00:18:42,834 --> 00:18:45,251 Please don't cut our funding. I have mistresses to feed. 359 00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:46,168 Funding? 360 00:18:46,251 --> 00:18:49,876 After what just happened, you're lucky we don't launch war on humanity right now. 361 00:18:51,168 --> 00:18:54,126 There's gotta be a way out of this. What about a human sacrifice, huh? 362 00:18:54,209 --> 00:18:56,918 I carry a saber of sacrifice at all times. 363 00:18:58,084 --> 00:19:00,584 This is a disaster. Where's Reagan? 364 00:19:00,668 --> 00:19:02,626 The heir to the Griswold Walton fortune 365 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:05,918 was rushed to the hospital tonight after having his arms brutally ripped off. 366 00:19:06,001 --> 00:19:07,001 He had this to say. 367 00:19:07,084 --> 00:19:11,418 The lizard army will bathe in the blood of man! 368 00:19:11,501 --> 00:19:13,543 In other news, global temperature raised 369 00:19:13,626 --> 00:19:14,751 one degree today. 370 00:19:14,834 --> 00:19:17,918 Well, I'm definitely a fugitive from the law now. 371 00:19:18,001 --> 00:19:21,709 I don't know why I can't hug anyone without losing my fucking mind. 372 00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:24,168 You know, Reagan, I get mad social anxiety too, 373 00:19:24,251 --> 00:19:28,209 but talking about it with my therapist has cut my panic attacks in half! 374 00:19:28,293 --> 00:19:29,293 Brap, brap, brap! 375 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:31,293 Are you saying that I should… 376 00:19:31,376 --> 00:19:33,334 …talk about my feelings? 377 00:19:33,418 --> 00:19:35,501 When's the last time you were hugged? Hit me. 378 00:19:35,584 --> 00:19:37,584 The last time I was hugged was… 379 00:19:38,084 --> 00:19:39,168 Huh. 380 00:19:39,251 --> 00:19:40,876 Wow, I actually can't remember. 381 00:19:40,959 --> 00:19:42,834 That's really weird, right? 382 00:19:42,918 --> 00:19:45,126 You'll figure it out. You always do. 383 00:19:45,209 --> 00:19:47,918 Just like I'm gonna figure out a way to impress PJ and Skwoo 384 00:19:48,001 --> 00:19:49,209 and get to level six, 385 00:19:49,293 --> 00:19:52,001 because I need everyone to like me, and I freak out if they don't. 386 00:19:52,084 --> 00:19:53,709 Brett, why do you care about those guys? 387 00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:56,626 They pushed you in a ventilation shaft and covered you with rats. 388 00:19:56,709 --> 00:19:58,876 Yeah, but isn't that what friends do? 389 00:19:58,959 --> 00:20:02,376 No. Friends give each other rides and good advice. 390 00:20:09,084 --> 00:20:12,334 Come out with your hands up, you pink-fleshed motherfuckers! 391 00:20:12,418 --> 00:20:13,793 You tell 'em, Bill. 392 00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:22,001 -Thanks so much. Be kind to one another. 393 00:20:22,084 --> 00:20:23,834 -Okay. 394 00:20:26,668 --> 00:20:28,793 Time to load up my Emmy cannon. 395 00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:33,459 I'll take my tea in the panic room, thank you. 396 00:20:33,543 --> 00:20:35,709 -Anderson Cooper coming to you live from-- 397 00:20:35,793 --> 00:20:37,584 Uh, sorry, one moment. 398 00:20:39,626 --> 00:20:42,668 Coming to you live from the Reptoid Supreme Court. 399 00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:45,418 Well, Reagan, the bad news is, 400 00:20:45,501 --> 00:20:47,626 if you lose this trial, it may mean war. 401 00:20:47,709 --> 00:20:50,876 The good news is, I got you the best lawyer who cost us nothing. 402 00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:54,084 Don't worry about it, honey. I can convince anyone of anything. 403 00:20:54,168 --> 00:20:57,209 Just today, I convinced myself I was a lawyer. 404 00:21:00,501 --> 00:21:03,543 Please welcome our high justice of the Reptoid Court, 405 00:21:03,626 --> 00:21:06,168 the immortal queen of darkness herself, 406 00:21:06,251 --> 00:21:08,126 Judge Judy! 407 00:21:08,209 --> 00:21:10,459 -Judge Judy! 408 00:21:10,543 --> 00:21:12,501 Thank you, bailiff. I have a shoot in 20 minutes, 409 00:21:12,584 --> 00:21:14,709 so let's make this quick. What are the charges? 410 00:21:14,793 --> 00:21:17,793 Your Honor, Ms. Ridley ripped off our leader's arms 411 00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:20,459 in an act of hostile bigotry towards reptoids. 412 00:21:22,751 --> 00:21:24,334 -Boo! -Boo! 413 00:21:24,418 --> 00:21:26,168 This true? You rip his arms off? 414 00:21:26,251 --> 00:21:28,001 Yes, technically. But-- 415 00:21:28,084 --> 00:21:31,043 All right, rip her arms off and call it even. Thank you. 416 00:21:31,126 --> 00:21:32,084 Your Honor, please. 417 00:21:32,168 --> 00:21:36,126 I intend to prove that my client might be, damn, weird as shit, 418 00:21:36,209 --> 00:21:39,584 but she doesn't discriminate. She's like that to everybody. 419 00:21:39,668 --> 00:21:41,793 The defense calls Brett Hand! 420 00:21:41,876 --> 00:21:44,376 Oh yeah, Reagan can't hug anybody. 421 00:21:44,459 --> 00:21:45,834 See this bruise on my face? 422 00:21:45,918 --> 00:21:48,834 That's from one of her hugs, and we're friends. 423 00:21:49,459 --> 00:21:52,418 I don't wanna diagnose, but maybe Asperger's? 424 00:21:52,501 --> 00:21:53,543 Oh, come on! 425 00:21:53,626 --> 00:21:55,251 I plead the Fifth 426 00:21:55,334 --> 00:21:56,334 and the Second! 427 00:21:57,668 --> 00:22:00,501 She's always had the hots for me but won't admit it. 428 00:22:00,584 --> 00:22:01,876 I mean, can you believe that? 429 00:22:01,959 --> 00:22:04,251 She's on her 95th HR violation. 430 00:22:04,334 --> 00:22:05,584 But who's counting? 431 00:22:05,668 --> 00:22:09,126 Me, I'm counting. Mr. Mothman is counting. 432 00:22:09,209 --> 00:22:10,418 I think this is working. 433 00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:12,959 Yeah, I love this. It feels great. 434 00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:15,251 Sorry I'm late. 435 00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:17,834 A father should never miss his daughter's first sentencing. 436 00:22:17,918 --> 00:22:21,334 On the bright side, I finally finished reassembling Bear-o, so… 437 00:22:21,418 --> 00:22:22,709 …that's something. 438 00:22:22,793 --> 00:22:24,001 You brought that thing? 439 00:22:24,084 --> 00:22:25,793 Dad, this is serious. 440 00:22:25,876 --> 00:22:28,126 I could be going to jail for a long time, 441 00:22:28,209 --> 00:22:30,293 all because for some mysterious reason, 442 00:22:30,376 --> 00:22:32,626 I am unable to fucking hug. 443 00:22:32,709 --> 00:22:36,084 Hello, Reagan. Would you like to give Bear-o a hug? 444 00:22:36,751 --> 00:22:39,584 A hug, a hug, a… 445 00:22:42,668 --> 00:22:44,418 Uh-oh. Someone needs a hug. 446 00:22:45,459 --> 00:22:49,501 There, there. It's me, Bear-o. Initiating hug. 447 00:22:49,584 --> 00:22:51,418 No, Bear-o! 448 00:22:52,959 --> 00:22:54,459 -Initiating hug. -Agh! Bear-o! 449 00:22:55,043 --> 00:22:56,543 -Initiating hug. -Agh! Bear-o! 450 00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:58,959 -Initiating hug. -No, Bear-o! 451 00:22:59,043 --> 00:23:00,959 -Initiating hug. 452 00:23:02,918 --> 00:23:06,209 Holy shit. You never hugged me. 453 00:23:06,293 --> 00:23:09,126 You made a robot bear do it instead. 454 00:23:09,209 --> 00:23:12,126 And I was so traumatized that I repressed the memory for years! 455 00:23:12,209 --> 00:23:15,001 That's why I can't hug anyone without losing my shit! 456 00:23:15,084 --> 00:23:16,501 Order! Ms. Ridley. 457 00:23:16,584 --> 00:23:20,001 Your Honor, allow me to call Rand Ridley to the stand. 458 00:23:21,084 --> 00:23:23,418 I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, 459 00:23:23,501 --> 00:23:26,376 and nothing but the truth, so help me Godzilla 2000. 460 00:23:27,001 --> 00:23:29,543 Would you call yourself a good father? 461 00:23:29,626 --> 00:23:32,584 I gave you a roof and stellar genetics, 462 00:23:32,668 --> 00:23:36,251 so despite what you may read in any poorly written airport rags, 463 00:23:36,334 --> 00:23:38,251 yeah, I was a good father. 464 00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:41,334 I even created this amazing robot 465 00:23:41,418 --> 00:23:43,459 so it could hug you whenever I wasn't around, 466 00:23:43,543 --> 00:23:44,501 which was always. 467 00:23:45,834 --> 00:23:48,543 What, people? That touchy-feely crap makes you weak. 468 00:23:48,626 --> 00:23:50,709 My outside-the-box parenting 469 00:23:50,793 --> 00:23:54,418 raised a girl who's strong enough to nearly murder a diplomat. 470 00:23:54,501 --> 00:23:56,668 Bear-o is proud of Reagan. 471 00:23:56,751 --> 00:23:58,918 Oh, shut the fuck up, Bear-o. 472 00:23:59,001 --> 00:24:01,668 Your shitty parenting messed me up for life, 473 00:24:01,751 --> 00:24:04,668 and now I guess I'm broken forever. 474 00:24:06,459 --> 00:24:09,918 Hey, look, you know, family is an experiment. 475 00:24:10,001 --> 00:24:13,418 And maybe not all my experiments are perfect. 476 00:24:15,584 --> 00:24:18,418 I guess we could give this a try. 477 00:24:22,626 --> 00:24:25,043 All right. I mean, is this doing anything for you? 478 00:24:25,126 --> 00:24:26,793 -No, not really. -Yeah, it feels weird. 479 00:24:26,876 --> 00:24:28,626 -Right? That's what I'm saying. -Super forced. 480 00:24:28,709 --> 00:24:30,501 -Why do people do this? 481 00:24:31,084 --> 00:24:33,251 -That helped. 482 00:24:33,334 --> 00:24:34,251 Well, I've seen enough. 483 00:24:34,334 --> 00:24:37,376 Ms. Ridley, you've clearly learned some bad habits from this man. 484 00:24:37,459 --> 00:24:39,501 I'm surprised you don't rip everyone's arms off. 485 00:24:39,584 --> 00:24:41,168 But I can't just let you off the hook, 486 00:24:41,251 --> 00:24:43,418 so I'm sentencing you to court-ordered therapy 487 00:24:43,501 --> 00:24:45,168 in the form of… 488 00:24:45,251 --> 00:24:47,251 …the traditional reptoid group hug. 489 00:24:47,334 --> 00:24:48,209 Wait, what's this now? 490 00:24:53,793 --> 00:24:56,126 I'm deciding this is okay. 491 00:25:00,959 --> 00:25:02,793 Oh God, this is an orgy, isn't it? 492 00:25:02,876 --> 00:25:04,793 Oh yes. Yes, it is! 493 00:25:04,876 --> 00:25:07,459 -Gavel. Give me the gavel. 494 00:25:07,543 --> 00:25:08,876 Give me the gavel! 495 00:25:08,959 --> 00:25:11,334 This is it. It's happening. 496 00:25:11,418 --> 00:25:16,251 Hello, HR. Who's ready for some gross misconduct? 497 00:25:16,334 --> 00:25:18,251 Incoming! 498 00:25:18,334 --> 00:25:19,459 Hey, guys, wait for… 499 00:25:20,084 --> 00:25:21,501 You know what? No. 500 00:25:21,584 --> 00:25:25,043 I don't need to have sex with 100 strangers just to fit in, 501 00:25:25,126 --> 00:25:28,459 'cause I have a new frat now, Cognito Inc. 502 00:25:28,543 --> 00:25:31,543 I'm gonna watch though. I have questions. 503 00:25:34,043 --> 00:25:37,293 Zarthax, I hope you'll accept these as an apology. 504 00:25:37,376 --> 00:25:39,959 They might be helpful till your real ones grow back. 505 00:25:40,959 --> 00:25:43,043 Well, these will do nicely. 506 00:25:43,126 --> 00:25:45,584 What do you say, J.R.? Ready to re-up? 507 00:25:45,668 --> 00:25:47,584 Really? After all this? 508 00:25:47,668 --> 00:25:48,834 Business is business. 509 00:25:48,918 --> 00:25:51,918 We were hoping you'd found an upgrade since Rand's departure, 510 00:25:52,001 --> 00:25:54,709 and as far as we can tell, you have. 511 00:25:59,043 --> 00:26:02,918 Maybe physical boundaries are good. Maybe no one should touch each other ever. 512 00:26:03,001 --> 00:26:04,001 Want a ride, kiddo? 513 00:26:04,834 --> 00:26:06,293 Yeah, I'll take a ride. 514 00:26:07,584 --> 00:26:09,876 Hey, Dad, I just wanted to say… 515 00:26:09,959 --> 00:26:11,793 …I tolerate you. 516 00:26:12,293 --> 00:26:14,084 I tolerate you too, kiddo. 517 00:26:14,668 --> 00:26:17,668 -So, one question. -Please don't ask me if you're a good dad. 518 00:26:17,751 --> 00:26:20,501 Eh? I was gonna ask if you think I could pull off a goatee. 519 00:26:20,584 --> 00:26:21,834 Of course I'm a good dad. 520 00:26:21,918 --> 00:26:24,043 -I just saved your ass. -No, I saved my ass. 521 00:26:24,126 --> 00:26:26,584 -Okay, well… -Is anyone taping this? 522 00:26:26,668 --> 00:26:29,043 Just kidding. I am. 523 00:26:29,709 --> 00:26:33,043 I'm sorry, sir, but you tested positive for iguanarrhea. 524 00:26:33,126 --> 00:26:35,126 -Motherfucker! -I wasn't done. 525 00:26:35,209 --> 00:26:38,418 Iguanarrhea, clawmydia, sssyphilis, 526 00:26:38,501 --> 00:26:41,501 scalebies, explosive cloaca disease. 527 00:26:41,584 --> 00:26:42,834 Oh yeah, and mushroom herpes. 528 00:26:42,918 --> 00:26:44,501 Wait. What was that last one?