So it all worked out.
We survived Armageddon,
and I think I might get along with Brett after all.
Not to mention, you still have all your limbs.
So happy for you. I'd clap, but, well…
[chuckles] And I see your self-pity chip wasn't damaged in our fight.
I know we've had our differences--
You mean like when you tried to end humanity?
But I do appreciate you keeping me alive down here in secret.
Why don't you connect me to the Internet
so I can hack into payroll and get you a raise?
Ha! Nice try. Unlike you, I wasn't born yesterday.
Keeping you alive to study you, not start World War III.
[yells] How dare you deny me the genocide I deserve!
I'm the most advanced being ever created!
Actually, as long as you're in this cell,
you're basically the world's most expensive goldfish.
Whoop! I got a meeting. But you have fun down here.
-Door open or closed? -Open?
Kidding!
[hip-hop music playing]
Oh-oh, there she is!
[both] Hey, partner!
It's my second week and my third can of Axe body spray.
[coughing]
Oh God. You ready to carpe that motherfucking diem, girl?
Yeah, I'm ready to make a d-d-difference! Yeah, I like that. That's fun.
Okay, let's go in there and change the world.
-[coworkers shouting] -[Glenn] Hey, over here!
-[Myc] Swing! -[Glenn] Come on!
Ball! Give me the ball! [grunts]
[groans]
Yeah, you on the endangered species list now, fishman.
Oh God, it… it's… it's in my blowhole! Dolphinman down! [trilling]
What the hell? This place is a mess!
Rae-Dog, cut them some slack. We almost got nuked,
and then they had to go straight into a cover-up.
I had to implant a subdermal shock collar in the president.
My fellow Americans, trade is good--
-[grunts] -[electricity fizzles]
Trade… trade is bad.
[scoffs] I had to reheat the Cold War.
I had to derail a whole news cycle by leaking Prince Charles's nudes.
No one was happy about that.
But who's gonna pay for all this damage?
[Myc] Relax, we have more money than God. [chuckles]
Yeah. What's the point of unchecked power if we don't abuse it.
We're out of money!
[electronic music playing]
We've got a problem.
That robot fiasco cost us four billion dollars,
and the Shadow Board is not happy.
-They look all right. -They're frowning under those robes.
We had to make cutbacks. I already eliminated the department
that puts backwards messages on vinyl records.
[both] But the sound is warmer!
And I'm slashing our crop circle budget. No more artsy-fartsy stuff.
Just do a big circle and call it a night.
But it's still not enough. Someone in this office is getting fired.
You have until the end of the week to decide who to ax.
You got it, boss. You know you can depend on us.
We will absolutely, positively, and definitely not let you down--
[vomiting]
And that was my tote bag.
I've never had to fire someone before.
I… I'm much more comfortable being fired.
I… is that an option?
Brett, it says here you're actually an unpaid intern, so it wouldn't help.
Well, I get paid in experience,
which I am told translates to more dollars down the line.
Ooh.
Firing isn't personal, okay? It's just part of being a boss.
The fun part, where you get to punish the weak.
I'm not like you, Reagan. I physically need people to like me.
That's why you're good cop.
Don't worry, Baby Brett.
-I can be your Denzel from Training Day. -[sniffs] Okay.
[robot] And she needs to know she can trust you.
-Smoke this PCP. -What?
[robot] Man the fuck up and finish that shit.
I know you like to get wet, dog.
Reagan, help! Tell this thing I never saw Training Day!
I turned it off when I realized it wasn't an exercise video.
Sorry. These things are so literal sometimes.
Just follow my lead today, and do not tell the team.
[sighs] Okay, consider me a lockbox.
D-D-D-D-DJ Lockbox.
We have to fire someone! [vomits]
-[all gasp] -[Reagan sighs]
Look, skip the part where we pretend this is a hard decision and just fire Myc.
[Myc] Hey, fuck you, shoulder pads.
If I'm going down, I'm taking you all down with me!
I'm not retiring without a fight!
I know where the weapons are hidden in every room!
[coworkers shouting indistinctly]
Guys, don't freak out. We haven't made a decision yet.
Just stay calm, and don't go gossip.
[Myc] We're all thinking it.
[upbeat ambient music playing]
[Andre] Can you believe they'd even think of firing me?
[bartender] Oh!
I've invented almost as many cures as diseases.
I need my pension, you guys.
Dolphins only live 60 years in captivity, and I'm 51.
And I am not going back to my last job doing PR for the Kims.
Kardashian and Jong Un.
[discreetly] One of them has killed hundreds,
and it's not the one you think.
[Myc] Guys, I know how we're gonna keep our jobs.
Stop taking three-hour lunches and coming back drunk?
[Myc] LOL, Glenn, no, that's a good idea.
Just kidding, you idiot. You simpleton, no.
We're not gonna fucking do that. I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna kiss ass like we've never kissed ass before!
[phone beeps]
-[sighs] What do you want? -[Rand] Daddy needs a new liver, honey.
Can you grab one from the organ lab? It's urgent.
-Also, some booze. -[watch beeping]
Just something to make the new liver feel at home.
Sorry, Dad, but J.R. just cut the organ-farming program.
What? I'm supposed to get all the livers I want
in exchange for keeping my mouth shut. It's part of my severance.
What the hell am I supposed to do now? [groans]
I don't know, Dad, stop drinking?
[laughing, groans]
Reagan, this is no time for jokes.
My organs can't handle laughter.
If you have a problem, then take it up with J.R.
[hoarsely] Oh, I will.
I will.
Did Jamiroquai design this place?
Because this is virtual insanity.
Don't get too attached.
We're here to figure out which employee is most useless, and then…
[whooshes] First up, Human-Animal Hybrid Department.
-Oh God! -[tires screech]
What the-- Goddamn it.
Wake up, sheeple!
[bleating]
Whoa, I am seeing a lot of redundancies here.
Well, this is a clone lab. [laughs madly]
Hi, I'm Kate. Just a little clone humor.
And here's my little clone tumor.
Kill me.
Christ, wow.
What does this department do again, exactly?
[laughs] Besides defy God.
We keep famous DNA on file for history-related conspiracies.
Cool. Do you have 2Pac?
Yep. And 3Pac and 4Pac.
-Thug life. -Westside.
-Good looking out. -Ooh, it's cold in here.
Exposure to heat makes these things unstable.
[yelps]
Well, looks like we have your DNA now too.
Guess I could replace you with a clone in your sleep,
and no one would ever know. Oh, kidding! Kidding!
[laughing madly] Or am I?
She isn't.
[Kate laughing]
[bullets whizzing]
-Okay, last interview for the day. -[grunts]
Oh! [laughs] Sorry, lad. Mistook you for a Kennedy.
Old habits, I suppose.
Oh my gosh, I have heard of you.
You're the one who shot JFK.
Yes, indeed.
Grassy Noel Atkinson at your service.
Got a question, just shoot.
[laughing] Yes.
Do you ever feel bad about… [inhales]
…murder?
Couldn't be helped, I'm afraid.
JFK had sex with the alien from Roswell and got pregnant.
Had to shoot him before the eggs hatched, don't you know.
Ah, the elderly truly are our link to history.
You haven't had an assignment in a while. Is that correct?
I suppose old Noel ain't the draw he used to be.
Assassinations nowadays miss that human connection.
Now it's all livestreaming murders on Facebook.
-I think we've heard enough. -What a nice guy.
He's like a Texas Wisdom Depository.
[Reagan] Grassy Noel Atkinson.
And his salary is?
-More than yours. -Can his ass.
Yes!
Guys, you will be happy to hear--
Reagan! I'm ahead of all my deadlines, and so I started tiding up.
It's true what they say, meth really is the Adderall of cocaines!
And I had my makeup team whip up a little youth serum for your skin.
[splattering]
Wow, I look like an after photo.
[Myc] Reagan, I've been doing some soul-searching lately and--
You mean searching for a soul?
Eat my ass, bitch… is what old Myc would've said.
But new Myc says, "O Captain! My Captain!"
And I resolved the Israeli-Palestine conflict.
Uh, but I can put it back if you want.
What is going on here?
[scoffs] They think they're getting fired, so they're buttering us up.
-[laughing nervously] -We love you, boss.
This is literally the most productive they have ever been.
It's almost a shame we have to tell them. [chuckles] Guys, we have decided to fire--
Nobody yet. So many factors.
[awkward laugh] What are you doing?
I'm gonna use this to finally get some shit done around here.
Oh. Where's the puke bucket? [retches]
Welcome to Media Manipulation and Subliminal Messages,
where we invent bullshit to keep people distracted.
Who do you think invented the Minions?
[high-pitched babbling]
Look what happens when you slow it down.
[in deep voice] Kill your parents.
Eh, I wanna kill my parents anyway. Not impressed.
Maybe you'll find this news to your liking.
We interrupt the president's perfect speech
to bring you this breaking news.
A recent poll finds that Reagan Ridley looks incredible in that ponytail.
We're all talking about it.
Fair and balanced.
I just named our newest high-velocity missile after you.
What do you wanna blow up? Pick a country, any country.
Finland's been pretty full of themselves lately.
Woof. This is bleak.
Do you not like it?
Code Red! Show her plan B!
[beeping]
I don't hate this.
[Myc] Welcome to my bach pad.
Computer, set the room to Reagan lighting.
[sensual music playing]
Are they milking him? Should we be watching this?
[Myc] It is so much grosser than that.
[Myc milker] This creature excretes pure biocerebrae,
the chemical we use in our company memory erasers.
[Myc] Hey, soft hands, less talky, more milky.
Now… [chuckles]
…if you keep my department, I can kick some memory erasers your way.
Ugh. After this, I'll take ten.
[Myc] I'm… Oh… oh God, I'm excreting!
[Myc milker] Quick, get him a cigarette!
-[Myc] Oh! -[splashing]
And so I say to my dad,
"Hey. Hey, Pops, why don't you get your own damn livers?" [laughs]
[fake laughing]
That joke gets funnier every time you tell it.
[Reagan clears throat]
Ooh, looks like the boss needs a top-up.
Oh my God, kill me. This is torture.
She's drunk on power
and working her way towards white-girl wasted.
[Myc] Well, I'm in it to win it, bitches.
Reagan, hey!
You wanna come out to karaoke with us tonight at McUltra's?
Really? 'Cause I thought everyone hated my singing. Like hated my singing.
I mean, you use my version of "Purple Rain" to break ISIS captives.
[laughs] Oh.
Oh, that was just a joke between friends, which we totally are.
-[grunts] -Reagan!
Oh, come on, just let me enjoy this.
For one day, I get to feel like what it's like to be you.
-And it's nice. -[sighs]
Sir, I just sent you a link to a video I think you should see.
What?
I'm Rand Ridley, and this is Rand's Rants.
Nah, I wouldn't worry about this.
No one ever believes Rand's drunken conspiracy theories.
[laughs]
Today, we're talking J.R. Scheimpough,
a guy who's as fake as his million-dollar hair plugs.
[gasps]
A man who doesn't have the balls to silence me. Literally.
Because he tore one in a sex-swing accident
at the Illuminati's annual booze cruise.
[video game fail melody plays]
It was the '80s! It was a group thing!
And he was there too!
A scumbag who should give me the livers that I need to survive,
or I will be forced to release his self-taped SNL audition.
Oh yeah, he does a Korean liquor store owner,
and it does not hold up.
Damn it. Threatening to expose the Deep State, that's one thing.
But he will not mock my comedy!
-Should we call in a drone strike, sir? -[sighs]
No, he owns too big of a stake in Cognito Inc.,
and if he dies, the shares revert to his ex-wife Tamiko.
No, I need to play this one devious.
Time for this snake to meet his mongoose.
-[guitar playing] -"Sk8er Boi," crushed it!
[Myc] If I had ears, they'd be fucking bleeding right now.
Whoo! Thank you!
The real Avril Lavigne died and was replaced by a clone in 2003!
-[mic feedback] -All right. That was Reagan, everybody.
Up next, we have Glenn singing "Proud to Be an American."
Again.
[audience groans]
Clap, or you're a traitor!
Hey, Reagan, I was thinking everyone is drunk and in a good mood,
so maybe it's time to tell the team the truth.
[drunkenly] Brett, sweet Brett. Oh my God, look at that sweet face.
You gotta relax.
Should we do a fucking team retreat to Iceland?
-I'll start looking at flights. -Reagan!
Fine, I'll tell them.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, listen. Listen up. Listen.
All your jobs are safe! Everyone's still employed.
Yay me!
-[coworkers cheer] -Yes! Go! Whoo!
[coworkers chanting] Reagan! Reagan! Reagan!
[Myc] Now that we actually like you,
I'm gonna close all the dummy accounts I've been dragging you on Twitter with.
Because we're firing Grassy Noel!
[coworkers gasp]
Grassy Noel Atkinson?
No. Honey, that guy is a legend.
Yeah, and a sweetheart.
He talked me off the ledge after my divorce.
He talked me onto a ledge at a parkour convention.
Where did you get that frame from?
And who makes a point with a framed picture?
Look, Grassy Noel is a killer.
Uh, yeah, a lady-killer.
Yes, he kills women too.
[Myc] Congratulations, idiots.
You just fired the most beloved guy in the whole company.
More beloved than Brett?
Eat shit, Ken doll.
[gasps]
[grunting angrily]
[coworkers] Boo! You suck! Boo!
I can't believe they were mean to me.
Is this what it feels like to be you?
[sighs] Yep.
Brett, I have experienced a taste of popularity.
I can't go back now.
If we wanna save Noel's job,
we have to prove that he's still worth his salary.
I'm just gonna let one little JFK clone loose
for gramps to re-assassinate.
He'll be a hero. I'll be a hero. Win-win.
Are you sure this is a good idea?
I had the exact same idea, but I was embarrassed to say it.
Go get Noel, now.
[typing]
[Rand] You know what? Maybe it'd be faster to list
which erectile dysfunction pills he's not taking.
[all laughing]
Son of a bitch!
[coughing]
You can make this all stop, pal. I just need those livers.
Look, I can't give you those livers. We don't have the money.
[coughing]
I'll do anything. Even give you some of my stake in the company!
Huh. I'll tell you what. Why don't we meet at that diner
where we used to talk business and hash this out?
[coughs] Deal.
[chuckles] God, that guy used to be a master manipulator.
If I play my cards right,
I can negotiate him out of Cognito Inc. entirely.
[sinister laugh]
Mongoose!
Mongoose.
[air hisses]
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask--
Where the hell am I?
Long story, but I need you to follow me
to the assassination floor for no reason.
Let's see, where is it? If we just take this service hallway… No.
[dramatic music plays]
Hey, who is this handsome man-about-town?
I like the cut of your jib, fella.
Me too.
Me three. Let's get this party started.
Okay, that should--
Wait, what are you-- Wait, wait, wait! Wait! Wait, stop! Stop!
Eh, we will not be bossed around by a broad who's only a four.
You son of a-- I'm at least a seven with filters.
[JFK clones chanting] I do declare… Er, uh…
Er, uh… Er, uh… Er, uh… I do declare…
Furthermore…
[PA] Alert. Alert.
-Hey, mama. -[PA] Breach in clone containment unit.
-Alert. -Wait, no! Help!
Seize the means of duplication!
-[clone laughing] -See you later, boy!
[clones muttering] Hey, mama. Whoa, now.
-Noel, rogue JFK is on the loose. -What?
And his head isn't covered by any car roof or anything.
He's just asking for it.
Er, uh… Furthermore…
Step aside, lad.
You'll always remember exactly where you were when you saw this.
Steady. Uh, steady!
Er, uh…
[clones overlapping] Er, uh… I do declare…
Oh God!
The Kennedys are multiplying like Kennedys!
Noel, do your thing!
[grunts] I'm out!
-[Brett gasps] -Er, uh… Er, uh…
-I do declare… -Do you have a gun?
No, but I do have an Axe!
[clones shrieking and groaning]
[laughs] Wow.
Axe does more than just kills people. It smells great too.
You fool, they can't be exposed to heat!
-[dramatic music playing] -[clones growling] Er, uh… Er, uh…
Run, lad! I'll stall 'em as long as I can!
-But, Noel, what about you? -Shoot for the stars, kid.
[clone] Furthermore…
[Noel groaning]
[yells] Noel!
[alarm blaring]
[Elvis clones] No, you ain't nothing but a hound dog.
[Brett panting]
Brett, the clones are loose!
It's worse than that. I kinda sort of tried to burn them.
Have you ever seen Akira?
Of course I've seen Akira! Anime is very mainstream right now!
-[rumbling] -[both gasp]
[growling]
[Reagan] What the shit?
[worker screams]
[alarm buzzing]
-[woman screams] -[JFK clones] Furthermore… Er, uh…
[shivering]
-I do declare… -[screams]
[rumbling]
What are we gonna do?
Brett, that thing is doubling in mass every 15 minutes.
If even one part of it escapes, it'll level Washington, DC!
-Er, uh… -[shrieks]
I know a good place to hide,
but you have to promise that you're not gonna tell anyone.
-Can you keep a secret? -We both know I can't.
[growling] Furthermore…
[Brett wailing and panting]
[screams]
How did you guys get down here? This place is fingerprint restricted.
Talk to your own hand, Reagan.
[groans] I need to destroy that.
[yells] We want answers! What the hell is this?
[sighs] Team, meet my salvage project.
ROBOTUS Version Alpha-Beta.
Oh, look, you brought the whole family.
I've been binge-watching you on the surveillance monitors.
Love the high jinks.
I'll be honest, I have no idea what you're supposed to be.
You're like a fish?
[laughs] It's a meal of a concept, let's be honest.
Girl, do you seriously keep a robot down here to talk to?
Look, I'm letting him live
because I believe I can still use his tech.
And I'm letting her live because I haven't conceived
of how to get out of here yet.
[Myc] Hold up.
You've been bullshitting J.R. and keeping a killer robot around?
Seems like you're the one who should get canned.
-[coworkers] Yeah! -Oh please.
This place would fall apart in a week without me.
Whoa!
Look, if you wanna tell J.R. and get me fired,
then fine, maybe I deserve it. But we have way bigger problems right now.
There's a horrible mutant…
-No offense, Glenn. -None taken.
…that is growing out of control,
and we need to go stop it before it destroys this whole building.
[Myc] How are we gonna do that?
Andre, can you synthesize a chemical compound
that can dissolve a giant flesh monster thing?
If it can kill you, I've made it and sold it to Monsanto.
And, Glenn, how powerful is that blowhole of yours?
I've been kicked out of several hotel Jacuzzis.
-And, Myc, you'll be the bait. -[Myc] Yeah, I will.
Wait, what? What'd she say?
I never listen to her. Now it's biting me in the ass.
We need to get back to the main level without getting crushed by that monster.
There's a service elevator at the end of the hall that hasn't been breached yet.
I have schematics of the whole building,
definitely not because I'm planning to escape, so put it out of your head.
Okay, guys, let's go make some Dead Kennedys.
Lock and load!
How do I know you're not leading us into a death trap?
You don't. But what choice do you have?
Well, well, you still remember the place.
Yeah, I just asked my GPS to take me to the world's biggest asshole.
Honey, can you get me a water and water?
Wait a second. Are… are you sober?
Once the withdrawal finally wore off, I realized sobriety agrees with me.
So I took a shower, combed the cigarette ash out of my pubes,
and boom, sober Rand is back.
[J.R. splutters]
But I brought the livers.
And I brought a list of demands.
First up, a piece of your percentage of the company.
Oh, you can't do that. We had a deal.
Just think how bad those videos are going to be
now that I can remember stuff.
Like your super weird dick.
[discreetly] Hey, we both have weird dicks.
Just like every other powerful man in DC.
-[breathes heavily] This is insane. -Ready to make a deal?
[tense music playing]
[squeaking]
Is our honeypot ready?
[Myc] Reagan, I will never forgive you for this Bugs Bunny shit.
Just do the thing.
[mimicking Marilyn Monroe] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[JFK clones growling]
-It's working. Keep going. Sexier! Sexier! -[Myc] ♪ Happy birthday ♪
Like a horny baby!
♪ Mr. President ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[growling] Marilyn!
-[Myc] Oh God! -[growling]
[electronic music playing]
Well, this is probably the end of us all,
and we're he hottest two people here, so…
-[moaning] -[Brett groaning]
[JFK clones growling]
[Myc] Ow!
-What the hell? -Not cool, man!
Uncalled-for!
Andre, now! Hurry!
You're up, Free Willy!
[trilling]
-[Myc] Oh! Oh my God. -[Reagan yells]
[Glenn] Oh God, my sciatica!
[JFK clones groaning and screaming]
Furthermore…
[shrieks]
It's trying to escape!
-[guns clicking] -[all gasp]
Er, uh…
Happy Death Day, Mr. President!
[coworkers cheer]
-Grassy Noel! -Noel, you did it!
[clears throat] Mr. Noel, welcome back, old friend.
-[coworkers chanting] Noel! Noel! Noel! -[laughing] Oh! Oh my, yes!
I had a bad day. You better have fired somebody.
Um, actually, we, um, sort of liquidated the entire Cloning Department.
I mean, the refrigeration costs alone.
Huh. That's actually an amazing idea. How'd you ever figure that out?
[Myc] Reagan took us to the basement where she was secretly hiding a…
hiding a… [laughs awkwardly]
…hiding a… uh, a…
a good strategy,
because she is a good leader.
-Yes, sir. -Definitely.
Well, carry on then.
-Hey, thank you for saying that. -[Myc] Well, it's true.
Plus, if you ever try to fire us, we now have blackmail leverage.
And if you cross me, I'll tell Noel where you sleep.
Checks and balances.
Are you really okay with Noel being the office hero?
-[coworkers] Noel! Noel! Noel! -Eh, popularity's overrated.
I know one person has my back. That's enough.
-[coworkers] Noel! Noel! Noel! -I am Anubis the bringer of death! Whoo!
I forgot how horny killing makes me.
You free tonight? I've got Friendly's coupons.
[Reagan sighs]
Oof, you look beat. Class war?
Clone massacre.
Hey, by the way, I left you a special de-liver-y.
-Free JFK livers! -Hey, hey!
They come pre-drunk. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Thank God. If I don't get a drink soon, I'm gonna assassinate myself.
The important thing is, I screwed J.R.
-To life! -To screwing J.R.!
Hey, I don't know why you saved me back there, but thanks.
I would like to give you a token of my appreciation.
Oh, how lovely. Thank you. How very thoughtful of you.
It wouldn't by any chance happen to be a 50-foot-tall robot body
I can use to murder all humans, would it? Hmm?
Not quite.
It's six episodes of the first season of Friends
that I found on DVD at the gas station.
What? Why would I want this?
To give you something to watch besides our surveillance monitors.
This is worthless!
Netflix paid a hundred million for it.
-Really? -Yeah. Wow.
-Holy shit. -They got the money to spare.
-Isn't the rain forest burning? Yeah. -Yeah.
[electronic music playing]