Think about it.
Comfort is like an addiction.
The more we indulge in this addiction,
the more we have to lose.
In the beginning, it was my favorite thing in the world, and I loved it.
But it was just, like, a feeling that I had.
It was like, "You have to get out."
I think he has interesting points,
and it got, you know, it got me thinking about stuff.
He's trying to win you over and keep you right now.
That day I allowed myself to like question,
"What the fuck is going on here?"
This is a group for women only.
Which I did approve.
I believe that you are at the head of it.
I'm not at the head of it.
Questioning him felt like I'd questioned everything about myself.
Were you ever invited?
Well each time I was invited,
I can't speak of that.
Sarah tells me that she is in this thing.
That it's called DOS, and they branded me.
Ok.
Mmhmm.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
♪ Days we were young ♪
♪ We took photographs of everything we could see ♪
♪ We had to run from it ♪
♪ Priest and prophetess ♪
♪ We were nothing we would defy ♪
♪ Oh, invisible skin ♪
♪ Where is the world within ♪
♪ Invincible skin ♪
♪ It's how we all begin ♪
I said, "It's important. Please call me back."
I can't believe she went through that.
What the fuck? Yeah. That's terrible.
Sarah?
Hi.
I want to talk about the thing you texted me.
Sarah?
Yeah.
So, I...
You're having a panic attack, Sarah.
You've having a panic attack, yeah.
So sorry.
I, I understand.
No...
So, this is my first year or 2 of curriculum.
It's uncomfortable for me to see it now.
"Success is an internal state
"of clear, honest knowledge of what I am,
"my value in the world, and my responsibility
"for the way I react to all things.
"There are no ultimate victims,
therefore I'll not choose to be a victim."
That is a key foundational piece for the rest of ESP.
Like, why are you a victim to it?
Why, why don't you get in there and change it?
All emotions are triggered
by the recognition of the difference between
the way we want the world to be,
and the way the world is.
You will become aware that you choose your emotional
and behavioral responses
in all situations.
This is what we refer to as being "at cause."
When you're at cause,
everything that you feel, you cause.
So, no one else can make you feel any way.
I can change my state.
That is a huge, beautiful shift to have,
that I can, I can feel whatever I want, anytime.
Yes.
That's it. Yeah.
It took a few years to crystallize
from helping me to, "this is gonna be my business,"
um, 'cause I didn't start making money right away.
The stripe path... it was just a means,
it was a vehicle for me to grow in a measurable way.
So, for example, if you wanted to earn commission,
you were to enroll, on average, 1 person a month
into minimum, a 5day.
I heard you're one of the top sales people.
True story.
I went up the stripe path very quickly.
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
It's my competitive nature.
Barbara Bouchey was the best salesperson in the company.
She invested in me.
Saw my sales. Nurtured them.
It's all marketing.
So, are you gonna be part of marketing, or not?
She would even fly me to Albany
when I didn't have any money to get trained with Keith.
Imagine if I found a way to cure cancer.
I can't run up and down the road and yell,
"I cured cancer! I cured cancer!"
And the whole world will rejoice.
I need credibility. Right?
You're going to tell someone you're gonna better their life.
Right?
Who are you competing against?
Everyone in the universe.
You better be good.
I keep drawing a blank. That's ok.
And I know I'm giving you unbearable grief.
It's ok. But...
if you could do it here, you can do it in New York.
I know. I should know this. Um...
Alright. Who's ready to have fun?
Yeah. Woo! Alright. Ok.
So, in order to have fun, we don't want anyone to get hurt.
Raniere: No, it's... Right?
No, not fun enough.
Who here is here to have fun?
Fun?
Come on. Fun?
There you... Ok.
Ok. You should be trying to
turn up their energy level. Ok.
When the audience gives you the signal that they got it,
you move, you move, you move.
Ok, what's this?
9. Ok.
How could I... How could I make this
into a representation of the number 6 with one line?
What I was sold on and what I sold other people was that
they could be the best, ideal version of themselves.
How many times are we limited of not seeing the curvy line
because we think it must be, should be, is, believe it to be straight.
Throw the curtain away from the little guy in "The Wizard of Oz." Right?
We were taught that this is...
it is manipulative, but it's a good manipulation.
You first have to establish for them
how valuable their dream is.
I need to solicit what you need
to even say, "This is how much it costs."
That's what this is about.
How much is it worth to know the little guy in your life?
How much do dropins, uh, cost?
What's the price of what we offer?
Let's say 20 bucks a week.
Now, if you were able to take
as many of those 2-hour classes a week...
Like, unlimited classes.
How much would you pay to be able to take as many as you want?
What's the price of not having it?
And what I believe from what you've told me, Mr. Jones,
is that not only do you have dreams,
but you're the sort of person, it sounds like,
you have a real passion toward your dreams,
and that your dreams are important to you.
I can't imagine that you would sell them for $10 a day.
Sell 'em away.
It's not a question of if we can be a hundred million dollar business.
It's a question of the how.
And how long do you wanna take, and how do you wanna take it,
and how do you wanna do it. Not if.
I was excited about making an actual living.
I mean, up until this point, I was bringing in thousands of dollars to the company.
No, I hear you.
Yeah.
Mmhmm.
This is Nancy and her daughters, Lauren and Michelle.
There's a Jewish term...
Do you know what mishpachah is?
Mishpachah means family.
And when you meet someone, it's like, mishpachah.
So, hi.
Uh, is everybody staying for stimulus response,
or we're doing 2?
I think I met Lauren in Albany.
Thank you.
She was the head of education, and I loved having her teach,
because she'd do it in a very cool way.
At the time I met her,
Nancy had talked her up to me a fair bit.
You know, how much I'd love her, you know,
we're both interested in theater...
I think we have a couple of, um,
NXIVM's top 10 most sexy men in our cast.
She was just over a year older than me.
My mom and her mom are both therapists.
We were so similar.
When I came to Albany, we'd go get our nails done
before intensives. We'd shop.
Yay!
It's equivalent of my therapist and superior.
And best friend. It's a very bizarre combination.
And that's who I EMed with. That's who I trusted the most.
Most EMs lead back to a memory,
and it's looking at the belief system that causes reactions.
All the facilitator has to do is fill in missing information
of logic that you didn't have when you were a kid.
The camera's gonna focus onscreen. I'm gonna turn this mic on.
Today what we're gonna do is learn how to explore meaning,
but before we can learn how to explore meaning,
we have to have a good understanding
of the surface structure versus the deep structure.
Like, you know, this cup.
Definition of a cup is...
You can use it to carry, contain, to hold things.
Meaning of it may be this is my favorite cup.
It's a very special cup. It's my... You know,
I don't feel ok if I don't have the cup.
You're interacting with things not as they are,
but as you imbue them.
I used EM with a number of other people,
which I didn't find nearly as efficient as Lauren.
Lauren was, I think, 375 U.S. for an EM.
Which is like, 3 times what everyone else charges.
But Lauren was like, sort of the... the queen of it.
Um...
You have to understand that
somebody comes to you for an EM,
what they say is, "Can you help me?"
But then when you start to get close to the issue,
they do everything to keep you from helping them.
Especially with acting.
It's really hard on the self-esteem.
If you get a part, you don't know why.
If you don't get a part, you don't, you don't know why.
And when you feel that, you make it mean something
that it doesn't mean.
You need to EM that.
And that's why I became such a good enroller.
Because I'd use the tools, and get an EM, and then I'd be like,
"Ok, well, some people are gonna reject me.
"And that's... that's ok.
They're not rejecting me. They're rejecting the tools. I'm fine."
So I became very bulletproof in that way.
That's why you get an EM with somebody else
and not with yourself, because you trust them enough
to take you through a process where you're gonna confront that fear
and come out with more information and not have it at the end.
But if it were up to you, you'd never face it.
Mmhmm.
No, Lauren!
Smile for the camera.
I met Nippy in,
was it 2006?
It was like, who is this guy?
I mean, he was super cute, but I was like,
what's his, what's his deal?
Action.
Who are you supposed to be?
Hmm.
And both of us
drove each other crazy, respectively.
And rolling.
And then we went to V-Week together.
Mark.
V-Week is like the best adult summer camp
you've ever experienced.
V-Week is the trailer of Vanguard's dream.
It's at the YMCA resort in the Adirondacks.
You just descend upon the whole camp and take over.
And we spent the whole week together.
Dancing together, or singing.
We were talking about these deep concepts and philosophy.
You say it better than I do, of course.
What's civilization?
People working together based on principle,
to improve the nature of existence itself.
You know, support the mission. Build community.
This is a mistake.
Celebrate Keith.
Celebrate his birthday.
All of it is in, in tribute to Vanguard.
It's all for you for your birthday.
So, happy birthday.
And then one time, everyone else was, like,
hunkering down to practice their EMs, and I kind of escaped to the beach,
and Nippy and I, um,
were trying to reenact that scene from "Dirty Dancing"
where she jumps, and he catches her like this.
We were doing it over and over again in the water.
And that's when the history began.
That's when the magic started.
Oh, my gosh.
Nancy was there, and Lauren was my maid of honor, and my officiant.
Probably half of the people were from ESP.
Together, you represent a special and integral balance
of ethics and humanity, empathy and discipline,
character and compassion.
Mark and Bonnie had gotten married a couple years prior,
and Keith wrote their vows,
and I got permission we could use them for ours.
I vow that there will be no trial of life,
or test of circumstance through which I will surrender this love
to the convenience of anger or fear.
This I promise you to my last breath.
I choose you, Nippy, to be my husband.
Mazel tov!
We had Allison Mack singing.
♪ From the cradle to the grave ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
I felt like I was finding it all.
Meaning family...
belonging...
community.
I remember saying to them, "I wanna bring this to Vancouver."
And, and I even told Nancy that, that when I met her,
and she was like, "Well, a lot of people say that,
so, we'll see."
She dared me. I took the dare.
Doubledog dare.
Oh, my God! Ready? Ready?
Yeah. Here we go.
And then we opened the actual center,
and that was a very selfdefining and, and beautiful moment,
because there was a group of us from Vancouver that were, like,
very dedicated young ESPians.
A lot of young people
who were in film and, film and television industry. A lot of actors.
Oh, shit, it's video.
Hi, Nicki. Hi.
Cut. And action. Let's start again.
I feel like the biggest limitation is that
we judge ourselves.
We're all sort of in the same boat,
struggling with our selfesteem,
and body issues, and meaning and purpose.
I'm Kristin, as you know.
Um, I'm excited to work with you guys, and...
I don't know what else to say.
Say hi to Sarah. Hi, Sarah.
How are we contributing
as a society, to the myth of celebrity.
'Cause a lot of things... people seem to be rather caught up in it.
Allie Mack.
When we first started,
she was living the life in Vancouver.
She was a VIP, as they called her.
Come on up.
Before we had the center,
y ou know, we were all going to Tacoma every weekend,
or flying to Albany.
It's quite far.
How it feels having a center?
I think the most extraordinary thing is,
people feel they have a home now.
We were like nomads.
We have worked really hard for this.
For this moment, for this day.
And I don't think that, uh...
I don't think I would be who I am without Mark in my life.
I know that for sure.
I'd like to say something about Proctor Edmondson.
Um, Sarah is, um,
such a shining example of somebody who,
who has a vision in her mind,
and will pursue it relentlessly. Relentlessly.
I can tell you that I would want to be in the trenches with her
in every single endeavor.
So...
I'm all verklempt now.
Extraordinary, extraordinary human being.
And somebody who I respect deeply.
So, thank you.
This is it.
Here's Sarah, one of our center owners. How does it feel?
I am so excited. Vancouver!
There's people signing applications in my office.
It's a dream come true.
How many people did you enroll?
Um, directly and indirectly, over 2,000.
People made jokes.
And they'd be like, "Oh, you go do your cult thing,"
or, "How's your cult?"
One more time. Ok, ready? Go!
I would joke, "Well, if this is a cult,
"as in a group of people that have a similar mindset or beliefs,
"it's a cult of happy, successful people, so...
What's the problem?"
Like egg yolks.
His tail is right here. Is that his tail?
Lauren, I made her godmother,
because she didn't have kids of her own,
and we wanted Troy to grow up in the ESP community.
Can you see him?
And we helped each other, and...
Oh! That's so sweet.
Oop, he's running away.
And I felt like I could tell her anything.
Alright, we're gonna go.
Yeah.
Mmhmm.
They gave me my green sash just after I'd given birth to Troy.
Troy was 3 months old.
You were supposed to get promoted every 6 months,
but for 2 and a half years, I didn't get another stripe.
And we were getting pressure from all sides to move to Albany.
I mean, we have the best culture here,
we have the most advanced society here.
This is like the Rome of the modern world, Albany.
Clifton Park in particular.
I never wanted to move there.
But at the same time, I didn't want to stagnate.
Good, babe.
And Nippy never really settled into Vancouver,
and he wasn't particularly happy there.
Boom! So focused.
And he would say, "Well, you know, like, I'm the, I'm head of SOP."
Keith wants me there.
SOP is the Society of Protectors,
w hich was a workshop for the men,
about commitment and honor,
and how to be... be a leader.
Masculinity is a tool.
This is not to say all masculinity is great.
We abuse our power, we trample on women,
we even trample on each other.
We need a group. We need hundreds of thousands.
Millions of men as a voice of honor
so that we can do more in the world.
So we don't have a President...
United States presidential election like the last one.
So we don't have media like we have.
So we don't have politicians,
and things like that like we have.
And are those people bad?
No, but they've been trained badly.
Nippy, SOP spoke to his values
very specifically.
Yeah... this is...
Mmhmm.
Yeah.
But that doesn't...
I mean, I...
And, uh...
Then DOS came around.
Lauren came to Vancouver to do a 5-day.
She said, "I want to tell you about something."
She said it was incredibly cool,
it was incredibly helpful in her life.
"You know, this, this is gonna help you in your relationship.
"This is like why you're stuck in the stripe path.
"This is exactly what you need.
This is what you need to be strong."
She couldn't tell me anything else until I gave her collateral.
And she's like, "It should be something you feel nauseated about."
I'm like, "Like what?"
She's like, "Oh, I don't know. Like, a confession about something bad you did.
"Something that I'll hold forever to make sure that you never
break your vow of secrecy."
And I felt weird about it,
but Lauren, as the head of education,
Nancy's daughter, my best friend,
all these things in my life,
she's telling me that there's something
that's helped her more than anything else.
Like, I'm definitely intrigued.
And collateral was a term that was used
as part of the vernacular.
Commitment has to be collateralized.
I don't say, "Oh, you know, oh, yeah, I give you my word on that."
"Oh, yeah. I give you my word on that. Eh."
No. If I give you my word,
it's collateralized by my whole selfimage.
The more you collateralize your word, the stronger your word becomes.
Your word is your bond.
No excuses.
I'm like, "Well, I don't, I don't have a lot of secrets.
I don't have, like, a dark, sordid past."
She said, "Just make it up."
She videotaped me... I knew I was being filmed,
but we were pretending that I didn't know that.
And I shit-talked my husband,
my mom, my dad, and my brother.
Saying things like, "Nippy's a terrible husband.
Like, he beats our son."
Awful things that have no basis in reality.
Aah!
She gets real excited.
Mmhmm.
You know how Freemasons are out there,
changing the world. You don't know who they are.
They're this force for good in the world.
It's the same thing, but for women.
It's similar to SOP.
Something happens bad to you,
don't you want a bunch of tough people
who can take on the burden,
carry the log, do it with you?
Every time we prove ourselves against comfort,
hmm, we're just... We're tougher.
And I was like, "Well, that sounds pretty cool."
And she said, "It's a vow of obedience,
and a lifetime commitment."
And what made sense to me already is that
Lauren and I have already talked about being
oldage bubbes in matching velour track suits
going for walks in the sea wall in Florida or, like, whatever,
and teaching trainings. Like, we're doing this for the rest of our lives.
So it's a like a heightened level of a coaching relationship.
Which makes sense as she goes into...
"And we call it masterslave."
So what I knew about this point was that Lauren had sisters.
She was part of a pod.
I knew there were other sisters under Lauren.
She said, "One day you'll have slaves.
And you'll have 6 slaves, and then you'll be a grandmaster."
I'm like... Now keep in mind,
every step along the way is totally weird,
just like sashes are weird.
But then Lauren explains it,
and it's, like, a little less weird.
It's like, it's more of a... a metaphor.
It's an exercise.
I said, "Ok. This is bizarre, but I'm in."
And then she said, "Ok, if you're in, then you need to give
more collateral to solidify your agreement."
She's like, "Yeah. Let's... Let's just do a nude photo."
Just for me to have. So I know you're in."
So she has the photo.
She sends it off, and I'm in.
From that point forward, Lauren was my master.
I had to be accountable to her all the time.
I had daily contact with her a few times a day.
Before this, months would go by when I hadn't heard from her.
It felt...
I felt special to be,
to be coached and mentored closely by her.
I said, "Well, it's Lauren, and I love her,
and I get to spend time with her."
And I knew I was part of a pod but I didn't know who they were yet,
'cause I hadn't met them.
I basically was in for 6 weeks
when Lauren asked me to go to Albany
for an initiation ceremony.
I got on the phone with her about something,
and I asked how she was doing. She's like, "I'm great.
"I've lost a lot of weight since you were here last thanks to DOS,
and I'm, I'm down at my goal weight."
And I said, "What is your goal weight?" It was like 103 or 104.
Lauren lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks.
So we get there, and, um,
as a part of the initiation ceremony,
you get a tattoo that, like, all the sisters have,
and that we'll all know that we have it, and it's really cool.
And that night, Nippy drops me off.
I told him I had a meeting with Lauren.
And Lauren, she was like, "Oh, my God,
I'm so excited. This is actually happening."
And like she was all, "Aah! Oh!"
You know. And she brings me upstairs. We hug.
She brings me to her guest room,
and says, "Take off your clothes,
and I'll be right... I'll be back in a little bit."
Then she came back, gave me a blindfold.
I could feel, like, there were other people around me.
And then she said,
"Ok, sisters. Take off your blindfolds."
And we took our blindfolds off and I saw who I was sitting with.
Now, I'm sitting buck naked,
crosslegged on a sheepskin rug
with 4 other women who I know,
and I've known... some of them I've known for, for years.
And we're all like, "Oh, my God. This is so weird."
And she's like, "Guys, it's just your bodies.
You have to get over your issues."
So we're like, you know.
We piled into her car, put blindfolds on again,
drove somewhere where it's supposed to be top secret.
But I cheated and looked out of the bottom of my bandanna,
and saw that we were at Allison Mack's house.
So now I know Allie's involved.
And at that point,
for the first time, Lauren showed us her brand.
It's not a tattoo.
And I just was really freaked out.
It's a fucking medical procedure without anesthetic.
And the first person lay down on the table,
and they started to draw a line in her flesh
with a cauterizing iron.
And her flesh started to burn and smoke and sizzle.
We had to hold her down.
We were crying, we were shaking, we were holding each other.
One of my other sisters and I were looking at each other, like...
"What the fuck? Like, where the fuck are we?
How did we get here?"
I don't want to do this.
I was just thinking, "How the fuck am I gonna get out?
How the fuck am I gonna get out of here?"
I was even thinking about texting Nippy and saying like,
"Hey. I think I'm at Allison Mack's house.
I'm naked. Help me."
Each person took 30 minutes.
So I had 2 hours of watching other people get branded.
And they weren't doing well. They were squirming,
they were crying, they were twitching, they were sweating.
And at one point, Lauren pulled me aside and said, "You're green.
You need, you need to show them how to do this."
Everything in my body was going,
"Don't do this. Don't do this. Get the fuck out.
This is not a good thing to do."
The other part of me is going,
"I'm a fucking pussy. I gotta be strong."
I am feeling the most fear I've ever felt in my life.
I sat down before my turn. I'm like,
"Lauren, I don't want this thing on my body."
"But what's the worst part? What does it mean?"
What does it mean to be afraid?
And she was literally EMing me just before I got branded.
What's the worst thing that can happen?
I disassociated out of my body.
And I lay on the table,
and I just, like, triggered a state of love.
And I just thought about my son.
Then I thought about the moment when I was actually giving birth to him.
And all the other women were like, "Oh, my God.
Sarah didn't even move."
Then I open my eyes,
and there's Lauren staring at me lovingly.
I came out of that, being, like...
"Holy fuck. I did it."
I can do anything.
Mmhmm. Mmhmm.
No.
I was, I was dying to tell him, and I remember just,
he had, like, you know, I said, like,
"I had a great meeting," or something.
"Oh, yeah?" Like, he wasn't engaged.
And I wanted to tell him, like, "I'm so strong."
Like, "You'd never be able to do what I just did."
Lauren told me to start
making a list of people that I wanted to do this with.
Like, at this point, I already had one slave,
and I'm like saying to Lauren, "What do I do with her?"
And I found out, like, her other slaves were doing errands for her,
and like helping her around the house, and like,
whatever needed to be done. Foot rubs.
And then at some point, she said, "Yeah, we need new collateral."
I was like, "What?"
It was like, "We need new collateral every month,
to strengthen your word every month."
She's like, "You know, like the deed to your home."
I'm like, "What do you mean, the deed to your home?"
Like, "That's not how it works."
She's like, "You take the,
"you know, the paperwork,
and you go to a lawyer and get it notarized."
I had a lot of questions.
Like, who holds my collateral?
Everything was, "You don't need to know.
That's your control issues."
It's not what I signed up for.
The whole "not what I signed up for"
doesn't hold weight, though, because
I am at cause. I chose... everything that happened
in this situation with DOS, I chose.
I, I chose to be involved.
I chose to be committed.
I chose to make a vow of obedience to her.
So now I've gotta do whatever she asks.
Lauren started sending me screen shots of women
in my organization in Vancouver through Facebook.
Like, "What about this girl? What about this girl?"
All beautiful, skinny girls.
Like it became, enroll, enroll, enroll, enroll.
Recruit, recruit, recruit.
Slaves to get slaves to get slaves.
Check in every day with who's on your list.
Have they given collateral for first,
or have they given collateral for second?
Most of the other masters, when recruiting, were just like,
"Let's just go in the bathroom and like I'll take a photo of your tits."
There were so many things that were not ok,
in a very short period of time.
I'm putting things together.
The symbol was not a symbol for the elements
or whatever bullshit they told us.
I just looked in the mirror,
and saw, like, you know when a, a picture pops up
and one of those, like, paintings with, like, the thing emerges,
and you're like, "Oh, that's what it is. It's a turtle," or whatever.
It was like, whoosh, "A.M."
I was like, "Oh, my God."
And I think it's a brand of Allison Mack's initials.
And I knew that I was in her home when I got branded,
so it seems like Allie Mack's the top of this thing.
And I showed my slave.
And I said, "Do you wanna see what you're supposed to get?"
And she was like, "Look."
You had to turn your head to the side.
It's a brand of Keith's initials, and Allison Mack's.
And I was like, "What the fuck?"
I wasn't brought in for Keith.
What, what holds us back
from being the most awesome you that you can be?
What do you think? Fear.
Fear. Correct, yeah. What, what else?
I was brought in as a recruitment tool.
Yeah.
Is that why?
Yeah.
Mark told me, um, Sarah got branded.
And I was like, "What?" Like, "What is going on?"
At first, I was kind of like, "Sarah, what are you doing?"
I didn't nec... I didn't think Keith was part of it.
In my mind, I was blaming Bonnie.
But Bonnie had seen Keith for who he really is.
And I've been out there peddling this fuckin' shit for however many years?
Um, pissed and scared.
Mostly scared.
'Cause there's also the component of like...
If this isn't true, like, what I was doing,
but, like, how do I not... What, what's real?
You know, they think it's noble to not let the fear conduct
and inform their decisions.
I'm like, look, if a bus is coming,
you need to get the fuck outta the way.
Fear is not a bad thing.
It's a warning sign.
I'm not...
What if you're wrong?
Right.
Mmhmm.
Troy: Mommy!
Ok.
Nippy?
And I think it's good... I think it's good...
Our relationships are the place where we
learn to be human.
In what capacity?
No.
'Cause ultimately I think I did.
I mean, if I had known things sooner,
and didn't do anything, yeah, obviously.
But, I... It just... The thing happened underneath my nose.
I trusted Lauren. I trusted this whole thing.
We're talking about building strength.
Let's say you're 23, 24 right now.
And you're the kind of person who wants to do good.
Where would you go?
You'd trust our legal system for that?
Do you trust our political system for that?
Responsibility exists whether you see it or not.
Responsibility is the physics,
the interconnectedness of all things.
You can try to deny it, but that's your stupidity.
Write an excuse.
Prove to me you're impotent.
Blame someone,
now you show me that, that you've been dominated
and you're a victim.
I was the jackass.
And once you can reconcile what you did,
how you did it,
the next step is pretty clear. You fix it.
Let me get a butterfly kiss.
Oh, my God, I didn't realize it's 4:28.
I gotta run. Ok.
I remember one of the things that happened
when I was first in ESP, I was driving like in a situation like this,
and, like, got a little road rage with someone,
and there was, like, there was a coach
in the back.
And he was like, "Sarah...
"You're an ambassador for humanity now.
"You're not allowed to express
that kind of emotion."
Oh, man. So complicated.
Mmm...
Been waiting to do that for a long time.
Ok?
You ok?
I'm not ok.
I feel that. I feel it.
Everything feels like my fault right now.
I think it's like, I feel like...
you know, 'cause all these people came through us, you know?
We brought them in, we had to take 'em out.
♪ Help me ♪
♪ I'm lost in a memory ♪
♪ I saw what it could be ♪
♪ But that was a dream ♪
♪ You broke my heart ♪
♪ I fell through the night ♪
♪ But I found myself ♪
♪ You broke my heart ♪
♪ I fell through the night ♪
♪ But I found myself ♪
♪ Grace is waking me quietly ♪
♪ Just as it should be ♪
♪ Washing me clean ♪
When I realized how many women
that I'd brought to the community,
I mean that was a whole different level of,
"What the fuck?"
I felt like India was my little sister.
I believe India's in danger,
so I got in touch with Catherine.
This is not anything that my child would do.
It's easy for people to say
"This is all bad," or, "This is all good."
I wanted to believe he was good.
And he would always ask, "What do I want?"
That was when it became about control.
This organization has taken my child.
I will do whatever it takes to get her back.