[eerie music playing]
["Le Chat du Café des Artistes" by Jean-Pierre Ferland playing]
[inaudible]
[vibrating]
The orgy will begin in half an hour.
Lube is available near the make-your-own-pasta station.
I'm Maria Menounos.
[Bruce chuckles]
In a few short hours,
we'll be the richest human beings in the history of mankind.
- Go check on Ken Scarborough. - [Cho] Gunter!
[footsteps tapping slowly]
Is your name even Reilly?
[Reilly] Yes. Let me explain.
There's a power struggle going on in the Pentaverate right now.
Bruce and Skip are trying to destroy everything we stand for.
Lordington, Mishu, and Shep want to save it.
Sorry. I'm jumping ahead.
[tattoo gun buzzing]
I was recruited into the Fimbra Manus from Cambridge.
I was thrilled to be part of a secret organization
that was actually doing good
and trying to create the kind of world that I wanted to live in.
Of course, then I meet the top guys,
and it's just old white man after older white man
after older, whiter, richer man after oldest, whitest, richest man.
[Lordington snoring]
[Reilly] I mean, if the most diversity in your group is Russian,
you just know it's gonna be the usual deal,
which is tons of diversity on the lower levels,
then you bang your head on that old, white ceiling.
They were never gonna let us be part of making decisions
in a world that's made up of a lot more us's than thems.
- [Patty] Three-sixty, yeah. - Patty.
So I went to see Patty,
because she's been fighting for diversity for years.
Of course, she's not in the inner circle, but she did get me in to see Lordington.
I thought my head was gonna be spiked like a kebab for speaking out, but no.
They asked me to head up a secret mission,
so secret that no one else outside the room knew about it.
All I was told was, "Go to Canada."
"Find this individual. Get him into the Liechtenstein Guard."
[chuckles] I know, right?
Another old, white man.
[mumbles] I'm not that old.
[Reilly] But Patty said Lordington was the only one she trusted.
He had a plan, and he was my only hope.
But first, I had to learn how to be Canadian.
[agent] Again.
[in Canadian accent] Sorry, but the moose is loose around the house.
Next sentence.
- My mom says my dog is conceited, eh? - Take that one again, but slow it down.
- My mom says my dog is conceited, eh? - [agent] Great.
[Reilly chuckles]
Then I went to learn everything I could about Ken Scarborough.
I knew I was gonna need some help
getting you to follow a story all the way to the States.
He didn't know it, but I used Anthony to get you excited about the Pentaverate.
The man with the mustache worked for me all along,
because, well, nothing lures someone into an adventure
like a mysterious mustachioed man with a menacing memo.
[pool balls clack]
And Captain Whitford's one of ours as well.
Sorry. You know him as Sammy.
Once you got the fob,
I managed to fast-track you into the Guard in Higgins' office.
[yells]
[Reilly] I have no idea why you still got the tug test.
But then things got out of hand.
Jason was murdered.
And so was the Pentaverate's first Black member.
Lordington told me to hold fast as our plan could still work,
but after the Maester was killed, I didn't think you'd be sent to Dubrovnik,
and nobody expected you to fuse with the spare key.
So, the mustache man and I were able to help you escape.
But yet again...
Oh, shit.
...Bruce was one step ahead.
[Bruce chuckles]
So here we are.
And now The Meadows have started.
This can't just be about diversifying.
We now have to save the whole world from Bruce.
But basically,
you lied to me, Reilly.
How am I supposed to trust you now?
I'm so sorry, Ken.
You were my mission,
but as I got to know you, I understood why you were the mission.
I can see the truth and goodness in your heart.
[gentle music playing]
[sighs]
It's a lot to process.
You know, like five minutes ago, I was in Toronto trying to get my job back.
What happens next?
[Reilly] I don't know the next steps of the plan,
but I trust that whatever Lordington and Patty are up to,
it's for the greater good. Please.
I really do believe in you.
And I believe in you, kid.
- Is he part of the plan? - [Reilly] No.
[guard in German] What's going on down there?
[Ken] "I'm breaking you out. Count to three, then duck."
[whispers] One, two,
three.
- [grunts] - [body thuds]
[dramatic music playing]
We'd better get moving.
[clears throat]
[inaudible] Save the Pentaverate!
[dramatic music playing]
[narrator] In 1347,
blah, blah, blah.
Fuck it.
[song fades out]
[Red Robes whispering indistinctly]
Shit!
[ominous music playing]
[in German] Stop the Canadian!
[in English] Run!
[gun firing]
[Red Robe in German] Freeze!
- [Reilly in English] This way! - [Ken] No, this way!
[Red Robes yell]
[indistinct chattering]
[speaker beeps]
[announcer] Please find your seats.
The Meadows' main presentation will be starting shortly.
And please beware the moon door.
- [wind whooshing] - You could fall to your certain death.
Reilly?
[Red Robe] Stop!
["Love to Love You Baby" by Donna Summer playing]
No clothes allowed in the orgy room.
All right. Well, you see, a buddy of mine's inside, and I'm just about to...
Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.
Strip.
["Love to Love You Baby" continues]
♪ I love to love you, baby ♪
[Netflix theme music plays]
Well, we tried to give Mr. Myers creative license,
but, again, he's abused that privilege.
Nobody needs to see his button on a bush.
So we're gonna blur any nudity in this next scene
using our state-of-the-art pixelation algorithm, Fix-Plix.
[enchanting music plays]
Now, we're still beta testing it, but let's try it now.
See if we can pixelate this filthy, filthy scene.
- ["Love to Love You Baby" continues] - ♪ I love to love you, baby... ♪
Oh, yeah. Thank you so much.
Hey, buddy. How's it going? Good?
Oh, sausages!
Hey, I'll have one of those, yep!
♪ Do it to me again and again ♪
♪ You put me in such an awful spin In a spin, in... ♪
♪ I love to love you, baby ♪
♪ Do it to me again and again... ♪
[music distorts, beeps]
- [dramatic music plays] - Goddamn it!
[monkeys howling]
Goddamn it!
[music distorts]
♪ I love to love you, baby ♪
[music continues, muffled]
As you can see, there are still some bugs to be worked out.
- [footsteps approaching] - [breathing heavily]
[Ken] Reilly, what happened to you?
What happened to me? What happened to you?
[Red Robe in German] I hear the Canadians.
[Ken gasps]
- [in English] Let's go! This way. - Okay.
[Ken] Left, left, left, left, left!
[dramatic music playing]
[indistinct chattering, chuckling]
The Liechtenstein Guard?
Holy crap, it's Ken.
- And a woman. - [guards groan]
What are you guys doing?
We're no match for the Red Robes,
so why don't you pull up a chair and play Ticket to Ride.
You guys are the Liechtenstein Guard. Have you no dignity?
With all due respect, Ken,
we're not the ones wearing an upside-down T-shirt diaper.
[guards chuckle]
Get me a shield.
And a uniform.
Thank you.
Have you guys lost sight of what you stand for?
- Face it, Ken, it's over. - [Ken] Over?
- [zipper zips up] - [gentle heroic music playing]
[sniffs]
Smitty, who gave you a place that you can call home
after you were out on the streets?
- The Liechtenstein Guard. - [Ken] Yeah.
Anderson, when your mom died, who gave you a shoulder to cry on?
- Liechtenstein Guard. - [Ken] Yes.
- We're gonna do this for Higgins. - [guards] Yes!
We can beat those Red Robes!
[guards] Yes!
- Because who are we? - [guards] The Liechtenstein Guard!
I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Who are we?
[guards] The Liechtenstein Guard!
This is my crossbow.
There are many like it, but this one is mine.
[guards] Without my crossbow, I am useless.
My weapons are old-timey,
but my commitment to the Pentaverate is not.
I care not if I'm killed by automatic gunfire.
Or grenades.
Or rocket launchers.
To the Liechtenstein Guard!
- [Ken] Let's go! Let's go! - [guards cheering]
[heroic music playing]
- [music crescendos] - [chuckles] There you are!
You made it. You made it. G'day.
[Bruce chuckles]
Oh! Don't you all look wonderful tonight.
- Yes! - [crowd cheering, applauding]
Oh, Angela Merkel has just entered.
Let's give a big round of applause for Angela Merkel!
[crowd applauding]
I've known Ang for many years.
She always likes a warm hand on her entrance.
[all chuckle]
Thank you.
Well, here we are at The Meadows, which is a big part of the Pentaverate calendar.
We've had a particularly fantastic year this year.
We've tackled one of humanity's greatest problems.
Climate change!
[cheering, applauding]
We've done that with the help of our supercomputer, MENTOR,
the gold standard of truth.
[applauding]
It is too bad
that the people are too stupid to deserve the truth.
[crowd murmurs]
Yeah, that's right, I said stupid.
They're so stupid that they give away their privacy online
just to be mindlessly entertained.
[crowd murmurs]
So stupid that they give away their personal data
just to have that data weaponized against them, and they don't care.
They don't deserve the truth.
But you do.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you MENTOR!
[dramatic music plays]
[crowd gasping]
Wow!
[Bruce chuckles]
With these three keys,
I now control the Pentaverate.
So tonight,
I'm selling off MENTOR,
its truth,
its known facts,
to the highest bidder.
[crowd gasps, murmurs]
[Bruce] Fine.
Go! Who needs you?
Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.
Now, for the rest of you that want to stay,
do you have a fact in your past you'd like to have removed from the public record?
Don't worry, MENTOR is your friend.
Or maybe you're a do-gooder, and you want to actually solve climate change.
But more than likely, if you're still here,
you're looking for scientific proof that there never was climate change.
It doesn't matter to me.
So let's start the bidding, shall we?
The bidding starts at 17 trillion dollars.
Do I hear 18?
Do I hear 19?
Do I hear 20-teen?
- [Cho] Hey, Bruce. - Twenty-one-teen?
Bruce. The Canadian's escaped.
Escaped?
Escaped? How the fuck did that happen?
Don't worry. He's no match for the Red Robes. They got this.
Twenty-two-teen.
[trumpet blows]
[Lordington] Tallyho!
[suspenseful music playing]
Make ready.
Fire!
[all groan]
[Red Robes chuckling]
[Ken] Let's get out of here! Move it! Move it! Come on!
[all yelling]
[yells]
[bullet shells clinking]
Shield formation!
[upbeat music playing]
[chuckles]
[Ken] Second formation!
Fire!
[Red Robes grunting]
[yells]
[in German] Right in the schnitzel!
- [in English] Yeah! - [Bruce] 31-teen, 32-teen.
- Let's go! - [all yelling]
- What is going on here, Baldwin? - Nothing to be concerned about.
Let's just keep the bidding going, shall we? Going once!
- [Ken] Let's go! - [all yelling]
[Ken] Hands up! Hands up! Hands up! Everybody, I said hands up!
Fucking hell.
Your Red Robes have been defeated, Bruce.
[grunts, sighs]
[wind whooshing]
Holy shit,
there really is a Meadows!
Bruce Baldwin!
I knew you were in the Pentaverate.
Well, well, well. Anthony Lansdowne.
You know my name?
Of course I do. You conspiracy nuts were the easiest people to control.
You don't control me.
[Bruce chuckles]
[breathing heavily]
- I'm a free man. - [Bruce] Wanna bet, mate?
You're not a free man.
You're a slave.
You're a slave to every conspiracy theory
that says that there's an other keeping you down.
An other who took your job,
your tax dollars,
your culture, your country.
So you all get together and dress alike and make up your own flags.
Well, I've got news for you.
There is no other.
There's just you.
You're why the American dream passed you by.
But...
- [footsteps approaching] - [trumpet blows]
What the blazes is going on here?
Ah, there you are. Just in time.
Okay, Bruce, we've heard enough. Hands out.
- Okay, there you go. Now, nobody move! - No!
- Or the sheila gets it! - [Reilly breathing shakily]
Prepare the Da Vinci lock.
[Lordington] Everybody, back off.
Don't do anything crazy, Bruce.
[Bruce] Too late now, mate.
You forced my hand when you forced me into this Pentaverate hellhole.
- Putin. - [Putin] Da.
You're the highest bidder. Going once, going twice, going three times. Sold!
[Cho clears throat]
Game, set, and match, motherfucker.
Three keys, Ken.
Take the Parce Clavem,
'cause now only you can use the fucking key.
Put the key into the Da Vinci lock, or I blow her fucking head off.
Don't do it, Ken! I'm willing to die for the betterment of humanity.
Reilly lied to you, Ken. The Pentaverate's a bad organization.
You got red-pilled, but you can take the blue pill again.
Forget all about this.
You can stay local, you can go back to your old life,
and leave the big world stuff to us.
You're a good man, Ken.
Do the right thing.
- Turn the key, my friend. - [whispers] Don't do it. Don't do it.
[Bruce] Turn the key
on three.
One.
Don't do it, Ken.
- [Bruce] Two. - Stop "cunting."
[Bruce] Three.
No!
[dramatic music playing]
What have you done?
The Pentaverate must never be exposed.
The people need to trust the experts.
But the experts need to serve the people.
[heroic music playing]
That was a really great speech.
You made a compelling case.
I'm only kidding.
I'm taking this little lady hostage, and I'm getting out of here.
[Reilly breathing shakily]
- Hey, Bruce! - What the...
[Anthony] Freedom!
- Oh! - But what about her emails?
- Ah! - [Bruce] Bloody hell!
- See you later, Bruce. - [Mishu] See you next fall.
- [Reilly] Ken! - Oh! There you are.
[sighs in relief]
[Lordington] Shep, Mishu,
I motion to enact the Demetrius Protocols.
Seconded.
- Affirmed. - Observed.
- Claves. - Wait, no! No! Put down the keys!
- [Lordington] Parare. - Wait, stop! What are you doing?
- Vobis. - [lock creaks, hisses]
[gasps] Don't destroy the Pentaverate!
[murmurs in Russian]
[MENTOR] Holy crap! The Demetrius Protocols...
- [electronic voice] ...have been enacted. - [indistinct chatter]
[Cho] Ah! Out of my way!
Patty, as you know, the Demetrius Protocols exist
in the event that the Pentaverate should fall into nefarious hands.
The world has changed.
The Pentaverate has not.
We have become those nefarious hands.
In the words of Alice Cooper,
"Sometimes you gotta know when to get off the stage."
School's out...
forever.
[Patty] No, Shep! Shep, wait!
[glass shatters]
[speaks Russian]
[chairs clatter]
[Maria] The Demetrius Protocols have been enacted.
[electronic voice] The Demetrius Protocols have been enacted.
- [alarm blaring] - [screams]
I'm getting the fuck outta here.
[electronic voice] The Demetrius Protocols have been enacted.
Ah. Hello!
[electronic voice] The Demetrius Protocols have been enacted.
[screams]
Shit, let me out!
I'm Maria Menounos!
[electronic voice] The Demetrius Protocols have been enacted.
[screams]
Reilly, thank you for delivering us the soul that will save MENTOR.
[electronic voice] Initiating new soul transfer procedure.
I don't understand.
That Canadian, he has kindness in his heart,
as is the way of his people.
MENTOR needs a soul.
Someone kind, someone empathetic.
[electronic voice] New soul, Ken Scarborough,
take your position, please.
[dramatic music playing]
Wait, Ken, I didn't know that I was enlisting your soul.
You don't have to do this.
You were right all along.
My journey's not over. It's just beginning.
But I realize now that my kindness is my strength,
and if my kindness is what it takes to save MENTOR,
I'm happy to do it.
This is my destiny.
[Reilly] No, you can't do this!
It's too risky. [gasps]
I'm scared.
You know, a smart person once said to me,
"That's how you know it's the right thing to do."
[whispers] You're gonna be okay.
[dramatic music playing]
[electronic voice] Soul transfer subject in place.
Initializing soul upload and transfer procedure.
It's time.
Please. Don't leave me.
You must let go, Patty.
Sir, it's been...
[sniffles] ...an honor working with you.
Thank you, Patty.
Thank you, Lord Lordington. [exhales]
[angelic music playing]
[inhales sharply]
- [thuds, metal clanks] - [Patty gasps]
[electronic voice] Bystanders, please clear the area.
[angelic music continues]
[whirring]
I understand.
[whooshing]
[angelic music fades out]
I'm pleased to announce the Lagrange Point Lens is now in orbit.
And that's a happy.
[all chuckling]
[chuckles] Thank you, Patty.
With our Lagrange Point Project,
we are one step closer to solving the issues that affect our global climate.
Go ahead, KENTOR.
[dramatic music plays]
[KENTOR] Hey there, Septaverate.
KENTOR here.
The Lagrange Point Lens has been activated, eh?
What are we working on next?
So, next on the agenda,
let's discuss...
[dramatic music playing]
[narrator] And so a new secret society was born.
This group of benevolent experts became the Septaverate.
More representative,
more inclusive.
More
nice.
[dramatic music fades out]
[tropical music playing]
[waiter] Here's your peach Bellini, Mr. Baldwin.
Thank you.
So you can see I had the Face/Off surgery to look like Rob Lowe.
Did you think you could get rid of me so easily?
[chuckles]
Cheers, mate.
[dramatic music playing]
[music fades out]
During his distinguished acting career,
there was one role Mike Myers has always wanted to play,
but fate never gave him that opportunity.
But today, thanks to the magic of television, his moment is at hand.
Here we are at Queen's Park.
Glenn Cochrane, CFTO News.
- That's my boy! - [chuckles]
- Yes, come here! Yes. - [both chuckle]
- Yay! Yay to Glenn Cochrane. - [chuckles]
- [Mike] Yay! - [Glenn] Yeah. [chuckles]
Okay.