1
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:17,375
Come on.

2
00:01:19,916 --> 00:01:21,000
Asshole!

3
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:24,041
Hey!

4
00:01:55,083 --> 00:01:56,375
Sorry about that.

5
00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:44,708
Enjoy your stay.

6
00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:55,583
Coming!

7
00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:01,500
Come on. Coming, coming, coming, coming.

8
00:04:01,583 --> 00:04:03,041
Hello. Hello?

9
00:04:03,125 --> 00:04:05,125
Shoot. God!

10
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,166
Hello! Oh, Jesus Christ!

11
00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:16,500
Listen, what do you recommend
for a catatonic fit in a parking garage?

12
00:04:16,583 --> 00:04:18,708
I… Ugh, ask your doctor.

13
00:04:18,791 --> 00:04:20,875
<i>That's why I'm calling. He just canceled.</i>

14
00:04:20,958 --> 00:04:22,208
Can I come over?

15
00:04:22,291 --> 00:04:24,416
Donald, you're about
a day and a half early.

16
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,333
<i>- What am I supposed to do?</i>
- I just got in.

17
00:04:26,416 --> 00:04:28,916
I'm not ready for you yet.
Why did the prick cancel?

18
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,750
I don't know.
He said he was just too sick.

19
00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:32,791
<i>Why don't you tell him
you're sicker than he is?</i>

20
00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:34,083
He already knows that.

21
00:04:34,166 --> 00:04:37,458
Okay, Donald, come on over,
but bring a bag of ice.

22
00:04:37,541 --> 00:04:39,375
<i>Please do not give me any responsibility.</i>

23
00:04:39,458 --> 00:04:41,458
At this moment, I cannot cope
with anything weightier

24
00:04:41,541 --> 00:04:43,083
than the directions to your apartment.

25
00:04:43,166 --> 00:04:46,083
<i>If you want a cold martini when
you get here, you'll cope with some ice.</i>

26
00:04:46,166 --> 00:04:48,333
- I'll cope with some ice.
- And hurry up.

27
00:05:07,791 --> 00:05:09,500
I gotta go.

28
00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:15,833
I was saying hello to an old friend.

29
00:05:22,125 --> 00:05:23,000
What?

30
00:05:28,250 --> 00:05:29,958
10th and Broadway, please.

31
00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:17,250
Coming! Jesus Christ.

32
00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:25,583
- How did you get inside?
- The street door was open.

33
00:06:25,666 --> 00:06:28,416
- You want a drink?
- Not until I've had my shower.

34
00:06:29,166 --> 00:06:31,125
I want something to work out today.

35
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,083
I'm gonna try to relax
and enjoy something.

36
00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:48,125
You in a blue funk because of the doctor?

37
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:52,166
Christ, no.
I was depressed long before I got there.

38
00:06:52,250 --> 00:06:53,583
This should pick you up.

39
00:06:53,666 --> 00:06:59,125
I went shopping today,
and I bought all sorts of goodies. Look.

40
00:06:59,958 --> 00:07:02,375
- Sandalwood soap.
- I feel better already.

41
00:07:02,458 --> 00:07:03,541
- Mm-hmm.
- What we got here?

42
00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:05,916
Oh! Your very own toothbrush,

43
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,125
because I am sick to death
of you using mine.

44
00:07:08,208 --> 00:07:11,458
- How do you think I feel?
- You've had worse things in your mouth.

45
00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:15,333
{\an8}Oh, also for you,
something called "Control."

46
00:07:15,416 --> 00:07:17,333
{\an8}Notice nowhere is it called "hairspray."

47
00:07:17,416 --> 00:07:20,375
{\an8}Just simply "Control"
and the words "for men"

48
00:07:20,458 --> 00:07:23,416
{\an8}written about 37 times
all over the goddamn can.

49
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,416
Yeah, it's called Butch Assurance.

50
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:28,583
Well, it's still hairspray,
no matter if they call it "balls."

51
00:07:28,666 --> 00:07:30,291
It's all on your very own shelf,

52
00:07:30,375 --> 00:07:33,458
which is to be labeled
Donald's Saturday Night Douche Kit.

53
00:07:40,041 --> 00:07:42,083
By the way, are you spending the night?

54
00:07:42,791 --> 00:07:45,541
Nope, I'm driving back.

55
00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:48,791
I still get very itchy
when I'm in this town too long.

56
00:07:48,875 --> 00:07:50,666
Why didn't the prick call you and cancel?

57
00:07:50,750 --> 00:07:52,583
Suppose you'd driven
all this way for nothing?

58
00:07:52,666 --> 00:07:54,333
Why do you keep calling him a prick?

59
00:07:54,416 --> 00:07:55,500
Who ever heard of an analyst

60
00:07:55,583 --> 00:07:58,625
having a session with a patient
for two hours on a Saturday evening?

61
00:07:58,708 --> 00:08:01,500
He simply prefers to take Mondays off.

62
00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:04,458
He works late on Saturday
taking Monday off?

63
00:08:04,541 --> 00:08:07,250
What is he,
a psychiatrist or a hairdresser?

64
00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:08,666
Actually, he's both.

65
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:11,083
He shrinks my head and then combs me out.

66
00:08:11,166 --> 00:08:15,416
Besides, I had to come in town
for a birthday party anyway, right?

67
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:17,333
Oh, you had to remind me.

68
00:08:17,416 --> 00:08:19,625
God, if there is one thing
I'm not ready for,

69
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:22,750
it is five screaming queens
singing "Happy Birthday."

70
00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:25,791
- Who's coming?
- I think you know everybody anyway.

71
00:08:25,875 --> 00:08:29,833
I mean, the same old tired fairies
you've seen around since day one.

72
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:31,500
Actually, you know what?

73
00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:34,416
There will be seven,
counting Harold and you and me.

74
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:37,083
Are you calling me
a screaming queen or a tired fairy?

75
00:08:37,166 --> 00:08:38,500
Oh, I beg your pardon.

76
00:08:38,583 --> 00:08:41,250
There will be six tired,
screaming fairy queens

77
00:08:41,333 --> 00:08:42,750
and one anxious queer.

78
00:08:43,833 --> 00:08:47,583
I'll be out of your way in a second.
I've only got one more thing to do.

79
00:08:47,666 --> 00:08:50,125
Surgery? So early in the evening?

80
00:08:50,208 --> 00:08:51,416
Sunt.

81
00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:53,708
That's French with a cedilla.

82
00:08:53,791 --> 00:08:57,083
I've got to comb my hair
for the 37th time.

83
00:08:57,166 --> 00:08:59,041
Hair, that's singular.

84
00:08:59,125 --> 00:09:03,208
My hair, without exaggeration,
is clearly falling on the floor.

85
00:09:03,291 --> 00:09:05,791
You're totally paranoid.
You've got plenty of hair.

86
00:09:05,875 --> 00:09:09,916
No, what you see before you
is a masterpiece of deception.

87
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,166
My hairline starts about here.

88
00:09:12,833 --> 00:09:15,375
All this is just tortured forward.

89
00:09:16,125 --> 00:09:16,958
Look.

90
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:19,958
That's not good, huh?

91
00:09:20,916 --> 00:09:22,333
It's not the greatest.

92
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,750
It's called getting old.

93
00:09:28,958 --> 00:09:33,041
Oh, well.
One thing you can say for masturbation:

94
00:09:33,125 --> 00:09:35,250
you certainly don't have
to look your best.

95
00:09:36,291 --> 00:09:40,375
So what are you so depressed about?
I mean, other than the usual everything?

96
00:09:40,958 --> 00:09:43,708
I really don't want to get into it.

97
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:46,375
Well, Donald,
if you're not going to tell me,

98
00:09:46,458 --> 00:09:48,833
then how can we have
a conversation in depth?

99
00:09:48,916 --> 00:09:51,541
A warm, rewarding, meaningful friendship.

100
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:52,833
Up yours.

101
00:09:53,625 --> 00:09:58,125
It's just that today I finally realized
I was raised to be a failure.

102
00:09:58,208 --> 00:09:59,500
I was groomed for it.

103
00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:03,041
Oh, Christ. How sick analysts must get

104
00:10:03,125 --> 00:10:06,375
of hearing how Mommy and Daddy
made their darlin' into a fairy.

105
00:10:06,458 --> 00:10:08,708
It's beyond just that now.

106
00:10:08,791 --> 00:10:10,291
Today I finally began to see

107
00:10:10,375 --> 00:10:12,833
how some of the other pieces
of the puzzle relate to them.

108
00:10:13,416 --> 00:10:16,250
My neurotic compulsion to not succeed.

109
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:21,250
I realize it was always when I failed
that Evelyn loved me the most.

110
00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:25,291
Because it displeased Walt,
who wanted perfection.

111
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,333
I began to fail on purpose to get love.

112
00:10:32,375 --> 00:10:34,875
Failure is the only thing
with which I feel at home

113
00:10:34,958 --> 00:10:36,583
because it's what I was taught at home.

114
00:10:37,875 --> 00:10:38,833
No.

115
00:10:45,791 --> 00:10:49,375
What is more boring than a queen
doing a Judy Garland imitation?

116
00:10:49,458 --> 00:10:51,750
A queen doing a Bette Davis imitation.

117
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:53,916
Where'd you get that sweater?

118
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,458
Oh, this clever little shop
on the Right Bank called Hermès.

119
00:10:57,541 --> 00:10:58,833
I work my ass off

120
00:10:58,916 --> 00:11:02,000
for 45 lousy dollars a week,
scrubbing floors,

121
00:11:02,083 --> 00:11:06,000
and you waltz around
throwing cashmere sweaters on them.

122
00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:07,875
The one on the floor
in the john is vicuña.

123
00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:09,875
Oh, I beg your pardon.

124
00:11:09,958 --> 00:11:11,833
You could get a job doing something else.

125
00:11:11,916 --> 00:11:15,000
Nobody holds a gun to your head
to be a charwoman.

126
00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:17,041
That is, how you say, your neurosis.

127
00:11:17,125 --> 00:11:19,458
Gee, and I thought it's why I was born.

128
00:11:19,541 --> 00:11:22,625
Besides, just because
I wear expensive clothes,

129
00:11:22,708 --> 00:11:24,291
doesn't mean they're paid for.

130
00:11:24,375 --> 00:11:27,708
That is, how you say, your neurosis.

131
00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:32,166
However, thanks to the silver screen,
your neurosis has got style.

132
00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:37,000
It takes a certain flair to squander
one's unemployment check at Joe Allen.

133
00:11:37,791 --> 00:11:40,916
What's so snappy
about being head over heels in debt?

134
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,416
The only thing smart about it

135
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,833
is the ingenious ways
I dodge the bill collectors.

136
00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:48,000
Yep, come to think of it,

137
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,416
you're the type
that gives faggots a bad name.

138
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:54,625
Oh, and you, Donald,
you are a credit to the homosexual.

139
00:11:54,708 --> 00:11:58,958
You're a reliable, hard-working,
floor-scrubbing, bill-paying fag

140
00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:00,583
who don't owe nothing to nobody.

141
00:12:00,666 --> 00:12:03,208
I am a model fairy.

142
00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:04,833
You think it's just nifty

143
00:12:04,916 --> 00:12:11,250
how I've always flitted from Beverly Hills
to Rome to Acapulco to Amsterdam,

144
00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:13,541
picking up a lot of one-night stands,

145
00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:16,083
a lot of custom-made duds along the trail?

146
00:12:16,708 --> 00:12:20,125
I'm here to tell you
the only place in all those miles,

147
00:12:20,875 --> 00:12:25,000
the only place that I've ever been happy
was on the goddamn plane.

148
00:12:26,416 --> 00:12:28,375
Run, charge.

149
00:12:28,458 --> 00:12:32,541
Run, buy, borrow, make, spend.

150
00:12:32,625 --> 00:12:35,708
Run, squander, beg.

151
00:12:35,791 --> 00:12:39,916
Run, run, run. Waste, waste…

152
00:12:40,750 --> 00:12:41,833
Waste.

153
00:12:43,166 --> 00:12:44,333
And why?

154
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:54,958
<i>Finis.</i> Applause.

155
00:12:59,791 --> 00:13:02,000
- Hey.
- Don't. You don't have to.

156
00:13:02,083 --> 00:13:03,208
Hey, come on.

157
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:10,250
Oh, there's nothing quite as good
as feeling sorry for yourself, is there?

158
00:13:10,333 --> 00:13:11,333
Nothing.

159
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:13,208
Okay.

160
00:13:17,916 --> 00:13:20,666
I adore cheap sentiment.

161
00:13:57,375 --> 00:13:59,041
Backstage, <i>Funny Girl.</i>

162
00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:02,041
<i>- Hi, it's Alan.</i>
- Alan?

163
00:14:02,125 --> 00:14:04,333
<i>Oh, my God.</i>

164
00:14:04,416 --> 00:14:08,000
Alan, oh, I don't believe it.
How are you? Where are you?

165
00:14:08,083 --> 00:14:10,916
I'm here… on business.

166
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,041
Listen, what are you doing tonight?

167
00:14:13,125 --> 00:14:16,833
Oh, I'm tied up tonight.
Alan, tonight's no good for me.

168
00:14:16,916 --> 00:14:20,625
Oh, I'm tied up, too, but I thought
I might just drop by for a drink.

169
00:14:21,833 --> 00:14:23,125
What, you mean now?

170
00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,500
Well, Alan, old boy, listen to me.

171
00:14:26,583 --> 00:14:29,666
It is a friend's birthday,
and I am having a few people in.

172
00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:31,208
- Oh.
- And I'm sorry

173
00:14:31,291 --> 00:14:33,875
I can't ask you to join us. It's just…

174
00:14:33,958 --> 00:14:36,208
It just wouldn't work out,
kiddo, you know?

175
00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:38,583
And I'd hate to just see you
for ten minutes

176
00:14:38,666 --> 00:14:41,000
<i>- and then have to say goodbye.</i>
- Mickey, please?

177
00:14:42,666 --> 00:14:43,583
Alan?

178
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,333
<i>- Mickey?</i>
- Alan…

179
00:14:48,041 --> 00:14:48,875
What's wrong?

180
00:14:48,958 --> 00:14:50,916
I've gotta see you
about something right away.

181
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:56,041
Okay, Alan, come on over.

182
00:14:56,541 --> 00:14:58,000
No, it's perfectly all right.

183
00:14:58,083 --> 00:15:00,458
Just come on over, have a quick drink,

184
00:15:00,541 --> 00:15:03,041
<i>- but-but hurry up.</i>
- Same old address?

185
00:15:03,125 --> 00:15:04,958
- Yeah.
<i>- Okay.</i>

186
00:15:10,916 --> 00:15:12,000
Well…

187
00:15:13,541 --> 00:15:14,541
Am I stunning?

188
00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:16,166
You're absolutely stunning.

189
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:19,333
You look like shit,
but I'm absolutely stunned.

190
00:15:19,416 --> 00:15:22,583
Your grapes are, how you say, sour.
Where's my drink?

191
00:15:22,666 --> 00:15:25,583
I didn't make it. My old roommate
from Georgetown just called.

192
00:15:25,666 --> 00:15:27,791
- Alan what's-his-name?
- McCarthy.

193
00:15:27,875 --> 00:15:30,500
He's up here from Washington
on business or something,

194
00:15:30,583 --> 00:15:31,833
and he's on his way here.

195
00:15:31,916 --> 00:15:34,291
I hope he knows
the lyrics to "Happy Birthday."

196
00:15:34,375 --> 00:15:37,916
Listen, asshole.
What am I going to do? He's straight.

197
00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:41,583
What'll he feel about this freak show
I've got booked for dinner?

198
00:15:41,666 --> 00:15:43,250
Ah, Christ, is that good.

199
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,958
He absolutely
lost his spring on the phone.

200
00:15:46,041 --> 00:15:48,916
He started crying,
and that's not his style at all.

201
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,125
Alan's so goddamned pulled together,

202
00:15:51,208 --> 00:15:53,541
he wouldn't show any emotion
if he were in a plane crash.

203
00:15:53,625 --> 00:15:55,125
What am I going to do?

204
00:15:55,208 --> 00:15:57,791
Are you suddenly ashamed of your friends?

205
00:15:57,875 --> 00:16:02,208
Donald, you are the only person I know
of whom I am truly ashamed.

206
00:16:02,291 --> 00:16:06,250
Some people have different standards
from yours and mine, you know?

207
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:08,541
And if we don't acknowledge them,

208
00:16:08,625 --> 00:16:12,375
then we're just as backward
and narrow-minded as we think they are.

209
00:16:12,458 --> 00:16:14,958
You know what you are, Michael?
You're a real person.

210
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,791
Thank you. Fuck you.

211
00:16:19,708 --> 00:16:21,000
Do you want some cracked crab?

212
00:16:21,875 --> 00:16:23,125
No, thanks.

213
00:16:23,208 --> 00:16:26,500
How could you ever have been friends
with a bore like that?

214
00:16:26,583 --> 00:16:29,458
Well, believe it or not,
there was a time in my life

215
00:16:29,541 --> 00:16:32,708
when I didn't go around
announcing that I was a faggot.

216
00:16:34,166 --> 00:16:37,708
That must have been
before speech replaced sign language.

217
00:16:37,791 --> 00:16:41,791
Don't give me any static on that score.
I didn't come out until I left college.

218
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,291
Seems to me
that the first time we tricked,

219
00:16:44,375 --> 00:16:48,208
we met in a gay bar on Third Avenue
during your junior year.

220
00:16:48,291 --> 00:16:49,333
Cunt.

221
00:16:49,416 --> 00:16:50,791
Thought you'd never say it.

222
00:17:13,458 --> 00:17:14,583
Don't wait up.

223
00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:19,875
Hi, doll face.

224
00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:22,791
- You look cute.
- Always.

225
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,375
- Hello, Emory.
- Hi.

226
00:17:25,208 --> 00:17:28,208
You know I hate coming
between the two of you like this.

227
00:17:28,291 --> 00:17:29,750
That makes one of us.

228
00:17:32,208 --> 00:17:33,750
This is gonna be fun.

229
00:17:35,916 --> 00:17:37,250
Oh, great.

230
00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:39,416
Well, that's all we need, for it to rain.

231
00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,875
- You want some more club soda?
- What?

232
00:17:41,958 --> 00:17:43,833
There's nothing
but club soda in that glass.

233
00:17:43,916 --> 00:17:46,208
I've been watching you
for several Saturdays.

234
00:17:46,291 --> 00:17:48,041
You've actually stopped drinking,
haven't you?

235
00:17:48,125 --> 00:17:49,083
And smoking, too.

236
00:17:49,166 --> 00:17:50,791
- How long's it been?
- Five weeks.

237
00:17:50,875 --> 00:17:53,000
- That's amazing.
- I found God.

238
00:17:53,083 --> 00:17:55,541
- It is amazing. For you?
- Or is God dead?

239
00:17:55,625 --> 00:17:59,000
I could always tell
when you were getting high. One way.

240
00:17:59,083 --> 00:18:01,208
I'd get hostile.

241
00:18:02,291 --> 00:18:04,625
Hey, what made you stop? The analyst?

242
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:08,041
Oh. He certainly had a lot to do with it.

243
00:18:08,125 --> 00:18:11,625
Mainly I didn't think I could get through
another morning-after ick attack.

244
00:18:11,708 --> 00:18:12,833
Morning-after what?

245
00:18:12,916 --> 00:18:17,666
Icks! Anxiety, guilt, unfathomable guilt.

246
00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:20,166
From the second
your eyes open and you say,

247
00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:21,958
"Oh, my God! What'd I do last night?"

248
00:18:22,041 --> 00:18:23,166
Mmm, tell me about it.

249
00:18:23,250 --> 00:18:26,125
And then that struggle
to survive till lunch…

250
00:18:26,208 --> 00:18:28,083
- Mmm.
- …where you have a double Bloody Mary.

251
00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:30,250
That is, if you've waited till lunch.

252
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:34,208
And then you're half pissed again
and useless for the rest of the afternoon.

253
00:18:34,291 --> 00:18:36,625
So you hang on till cocktail time,

254
00:18:36,708 --> 00:18:39,666
and by then, you're ready
for whatever the night holds,

255
00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,625
which hopefully is another party,

256
00:18:41,708 --> 00:18:45,375
and that whole goddamn cycle
starts all over again.

257
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:49,500
Well, I have been
on that merry-go-round long enough,

258
00:18:49,583 --> 00:18:53,583
and I either had to get off
or die of centrifugal force.

259
00:18:55,125 --> 00:18:58,125
Oh, Joe College has finally arrived.

260
00:18:58,208 --> 00:18:59,916
All right, Donald, listen to me.

261
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,833
Don't insult me by giving me any lecture
on acceptable social behavior.

262
00:19:03,916 --> 00:19:04,875
I promise

263
00:19:04,958 --> 00:19:08,041
to sit with my legs spread apart
and keep my voice in a deep register.

264
00:19:08,125 --> 00:19:11,416
Donald, you are a real card-carrying cunt.

265
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,458
All right. This is a raid.

266
00:19:20,541 --> 00:19:23,958
Everybody's under arrest.

267
00:19:24,041 --> 00:19:26,833
Hello, darling. Connie Casserole.
Oh, Mary, don't ask.

268
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,625
Hi, Emory. Come on,
you can put it in the kitchen.

269
00:19:29,708 --> 00:19:32,708
- Hi, Hank. Larry.
- Who is this exotic woman?

270
00:19:32,791 --> 00:19:34,083
My dear, I thought you had perished!

271
00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:36,541
Where have you been hiding
your classically chiseled features?

272
00:19:36,625 --> 00:19:38,208
I don't live in the city anymore.

273
00:19:38,291 --> 00:19:40,541
I'll take those.
Emory, where's your present?

274
00:19:40,625 --> 00:19:42,208
It's arriving later.

275
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:43,833
Larry.

276
00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:47,625
Larry. Larry!

277
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:49,708
- What?
- Give Michael the gift.

278
00:19:50,708 --> 00:19:52,750
Oh, here.

279
00:19:52,833 --> 00:19:55,166
Louder, so my mother
in Philadelphia can hear you.

280
00:19:55,250 --> 00:19:57,000
- You were standing there in a trance.
- Was I?

281
00:19:57,083 --> 00:20:00,208
- You both know Donald, don't you?
- Sure. Nice to see you.

282
00:20:00,291 --> 00:20:01,708
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

283
00:20:01,791 --> 00:20:03,791
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you'd met.

284
00:20:03,875 --> 00:20:06,791
Well, we haven't exactly met, but we've…

285
00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:09,000
- Hi.
- Hi.

286
00:20:10,666 --> 00:20:11,750
But you've what?

287
00:20:13,416 --> 00:20:14,875
Seen each other before.

288
00:20:15,625 --> 00:20:16,750
Oh, that sounds murky.

289
00:20:16,833 --> 00:20:18,583
You've never met,
but you've seen each other.

290
00:20:18,666 --> 00:20:21,833
- What was wrong with the way I said it?
- They're gonna have their first fight.

291
00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:23,666
The first one
since we got out of the taxi.

292
00:20:23,750 --> 00:20:27,708
- Where did you find this trash?
- Downstairs, leaning against a lamppost.

293
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,250
With an orchid behind my ear

294
00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:31,625
and big, wet lips
painted over the lip line.

295
00:20:32,708 --> 00:20:35,291
- Oh! Just like Maria Montez.
- Oh, please.

296
00:20:35,375 --> 00:20:38,333
Hey, what have you got against Maria?
She was a good woman.

297
00:20:38,416 --> 00:20:39,916
Hold on. Everybody, listen.

298
00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:42,916
This old college friend of mine
is in town,

299
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,750
and he's stopping by for a fast drink
on his way to dinner,

300
00:20:45,833 --> 00:20:47,333
but he's straight, so…

301
00:20:47,416 --> 00:20:51,041
Straight? If he's the one I met,
he's as straight as the yellow brick road.

302
00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,291
No, you met Justin Stuart.

303
00:20:53,875 --> 00:20:56,000
I don't remember meeting a Justin Stuart.

304
00:20:56,083 --> 00:20:59,083
- Of course you don't, dope. I met him.
- This is someone else.

305
00:20:59,166 --> 00:21:03,125
Yes, Alan McCarthy,
a very close total stranger.

306
00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:06,208
It is not that I care
what he would think of me. Really.

307
00:21:06,291 --> 00:21:10,125
It's just he's not ready for it,
you know, and he never will be.

308
00:21:10,916 --> 00:21:14,250
- You understand that, don't you, Hank?
- Sure.

309
00:21:14,333 --> 00:21:16,041
Do you really think
he doesn't know about you?

310
00:21:16,125 --> 00:21:18,875
If there is the slightest suspicion,
he's never let on.

311
00:21:18,958 --> 00:21:20,791
What's he had, a lobotomy?

312
00:21:20,875 --> 00:21:23,958
Hey, I was super careful
when I was in college,

313
00:21:24,041 --> 00:21:26,083
and I still am whenever I see him.

314
00:21:26,166 --> 00:21:28,708
- I don't know why, but I am.
- Tilt.

315
00:21:28,791 --> 00:21:32,000
I was just like Alan
when I was in college.

316
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,500
I was very large in the dating department.

317
00:21:34,583 --> 00:21:38,750
I wore nothing
but those constipated Ivy League clothes,

318
00:21:38,833 --> 00:21:41,458
and those, oh, ten-pound cordovan shoes.

319
00:21:45,958 --> 00:21:48,041
- No offense.
- Quite all right.

320
00:21:48,125 --> 00:21:52,208
I butched it up quite a bit,
and I didn't think I was lying to myself.

321
00:21:52,291 --> 00:21:54,291
I really thought I was straight.

322
00:21:54,375 --> 00:21:57,208
I know damn well I did not come out
until after I graduated.

323
00:21:57,291 --> 00:21:59,083
What about all those weekends
up from school?

324
00:21:59,166 --> 00:22:01,041
Oh. I still wasn't out.

325
00:22:01,125 --> 00:22:04,125
I was still in the
Christ-was-I-drunk-last-night syndrome.

326
00:22:04,208 --> 00:22:07,750
"Christ, I was so drunk last night,
I don't remember a thing."

327
00:22:07,833 --> 00:22:08,666
That's it.

328
00:22:08,750 --> 00:22:10,708
You were just guilty
because you were Catholic.

329
00:22:10,791 --> 00:22:12,375
- That's all.
- That is not true.

330
00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:16,583
The Christ-was-I-drunk-last-night syndrome
knows no religion,

331
00:22:16,666 --> 00:22:19,291
although there's a high percentage
of it among Mormons.

332
00:22:19,875 --> 00:22:22,541
Who do you have to fuck
to get a drink around here?

333
00:22:22,625 --> 00:22:24,375
Will you light somewhere?

334
00:22:24,458 --> 00:22:29,208
We all somehow managed
to justify our actions in those days.

335
00:22:29,291 --> 00:22:33,291
You know, I later found out
even Justin Stuart, my closest friend...

336
00:22:33,375 --> 00:22:34,500
Other than Alan McCarthy.

337
00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:37,375
Zip it. He was doing the same thing.

338
00:22:37,458 --> 00:22:40,166
Only Justin was going
to Boston on weekends.

339
00:22:40,250 --> 00:22:43,166
You see, in the
Christ-was-I-drunk-last-night syndrome,

340
00:22:43,250 --> 00:22:45,541
you really are drunk.
That part of it is true.

341
00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:49,416
It's just you also do remember everything.

342
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,083
Well, a lot of guys
have to get loaded to have sex.

343
00:22:54,666 --> 00:22:56,375
So I've been told.

344
00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:58,708
Donald…

345
00:22:58,791 --> 00:23:00,916
…if you remember,
the first time we made it,

346
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,625
I was so drunk I could hardly stand up.

347
00:23:03,708 --> 00:23:06,166
You were so drunk,
you could hardly get it up.

348
00:23:07,833 --> 00:23:11,791
- Christ, I was so drunk, I don't remember.
- Oh, bullshit. You remember.

349
00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:14,375
Oh, Jesus. All right, that's Alan.

350
00:23:14,458 --> 00:23:17,958
Please, everyone do me a favor.
Cool it for the few minutes he's here.

351
00:23:18,041 --> 00:23:19,833
Anything for a sis, Mary.

352
00:23:19,916 --> 00:23:21,000
Emory, no!

353
00:23:21,083 --> 00:23:23,958
I'm sorry, but that is exactly
what I'm talking about.

354
00:23:24,041 --> 00:23:26,000
- No camping.
- Sorry.

355
00:23:26,083 --> 00:23:28,416
Think the Giants are gonna win
the pennant this year?

356
00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:30,458
Fuckin' A, Mac.

357
00:23:31,416 --> 00:23:34,125
- Oh, hey, Bernard.
- Hey, baby.

358
00:23:34,208 --> 00:23:37,500
I'll take these. Everyone's outside.
You can put your present with the others.

359
00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:39,416
Oh, it's only another queen!

360
00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,583
- And it ain't the red one either.
- It's the queen of spades!

361
00:23:42,666 --> 00:23:45,083
Anybody ever tell you
you'd look divine in a hammock,

362
00:23:45,166 --> 00:23:49,333
surrounded by louvers and ceiling fans
and lots and lots of lush tropical ferns?

363
00:23:49,416 --> 00:23:52,208
You're such a fag. You take the cake. Up!

364
00:23:52,291 --> 00:23:55,625
- What about the cake? Whose job was that?
- Mine. I ordered it to be delivered.

365
00:23:55,708 --> 00:23:58,000
How many candles
did you say to put on it? 80?

366
00:23:58,083 --> 00:24:00,916
Wait, Alan. There's too much noise.
I'll get another phone.

367
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,500
- Michael, did the cake come?
- No.

368
00:24:02,583 --> 00:24:04,833
- Oh, God. Can I use your private line?
- Sure.

369
00:24:04,916 --> 00:24:08,375
Listen, everybody, there is some
cracked crab out there. Help yourselves.

370
00:24:08,458 --> 00:24:11,291
Can I have the number for the
Marseilles Bakery in Manhattan, please?

371
00:24:11,375 --> 00:24:13,416
- Is everybody ready for a drink?
- Yeah!

372
00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:16,166
Ready? I'll be your
topless cocktail waitress.

373
00:24:16,250 --> 00:24:18,375
Please, spare us the sight
of your sagging tits.

374
00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:19,666
What are you having, kids?

375
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,666
- Is there any beer?
- Oh, in the fridge.

376
00:24:21,750 --> 00:24:23,291
- I'll get it.
- Beer?

377
00:24:23,375 --> 00:24:26,166
- Who drinks beer before dinner?
- Beer drinkers.

378
00:24:26,250 --> 00:24:30,625
How can a sensitive artist like you
live with an insensitive bull like that?

379
00:24:30,708 --> 00:24:32,541
I can't.

380
00:24:32,625 --> 00:24:33,916
Well, here's hoping.

381
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:38,416
Alan, don't be silly.
There's nothing to apologize for.

382
00:24:38,500 --> 00:24:40,583
<i>It's just that I feel like such a fool.</i>

383
00:24:40,666 --> 00:24:44,833
I can shoot myself
for letting myself act that way.

384
00:24:44,916 --> 00:24:47,833
Look, it is just as well.
I have people over.

385
00:24:47,916 --> 00:24:50,041
It wouldn't be a good time to talk.

386
00:24:50,125 --> 00:24:53,708
Hey, what about this?
What if we do lunch tomorrow?

387
00:24:53,791 --> 00:24:57,708
<i>Sure. Why don't you meet me
at the Oak Room at about one o'clock?</i>

388
00:24:57,791 --> 00:24:59,416
That sounds perfect.

389
00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:03,416
And listen, Michael,
can you just forget about tonight?

390
00:25:04,750 --> 00:25:06,083
Pretend it never happened?

391
00:25:06,583 --> 00:25:08,458
Alan, done. It's forgotten.

392
00:25:08,541 --> 00:25:10,333
<i>- I'll see you tomorrow?</i>
- Great.

393
00:25:18,041 --> 00:25:21,375
Yeah, baby! Let's hear that sound! Whoo!

394
00:25:21,458 --> 00:25:24,250
A drumbeat
and their eyes sparkle like Cartier.

395
00:25:24,333 --> 00:25:25,333
Terrible.

396
00:25:26,750 --> 00:25:28,666
Wow, thanks, Bernard.

397
00:25:28,750 --> 00:25:30,708
It's like you stock up
for the whole summer.

398
00:25:30,791 --> 00:25:32,916
You kidding? That'll last him two days.

399
00:25:33,791 --> 00:25:36,083
- Well, he's not coming.
- Oh!

400
00:25:36,166 --> 00:25:38,375
Some people eat,
some people drink, some take dope.

401
00:25:38,458 --> 00:25:42,500
- I read.
- Yeah, and read, read, read.

402
00:25:42,583 --> 00:25:44,458
It's a wonder your eyes
don't turn back into your head

403
00:25:44,541 --> 00:25:47,875
- at the sight of a dust jacket.
- At least he's a constructive escapist.

404
00:25:47,958 --> 00:25:51,500
Oh, that's true.
What do I do? I take planes.

405
00:25:51,583 --> 00:25:53,208
No. No, I don't do that anymore

406
00:25:53,291 --> 00:25:56,250
because I don't have
the money to do that anymore.

407
00:25:56,333 --> 00:25:58,750
I go to the baths. That's about it.

408
00:25:58,833 --> 00:26:01,333
I'm about to do both.
I'm flying to the West Coast.

409
00:26:01,416 --> 00:26:03,416
You still got that act
with the donkey in Tijuana?

410
00:26:04,541 --> 00:26:07,708
I'm going to San Francisco
on a well-earned vacation.

411
00:26:07,791 --> 00:26:08,875
I'm going to the Club Baths,

412
00:26:08,958 --> 00:26:13,333
and I'm not leaving till they announce
the departure of TWA one week later.

413
00:26:13,416 --> 00:26:15,333
You'll never learn
to stay out of the baths, will you?

414
00:26:15,416 --> 00:26:18,208
- Bernard, don't… Bernard!
- The last time Emily took the vapors,

415
00:26:18,291 --> 00:26:20,916
this big hairy number strolled in.

416
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,791
So Emory says, "I'm just resting."

417
00:26:22,875 --> 00:26:25,875
Big hairy number said,
"Oh, I'm just arresting."

418
00:26:25,958 --> 00:26:27,708
- It was the vice.
- Emory!

419
00:26:27,791 --> 00:26:30,625
You have to tell everything,
don't you? Thanks, honey.

420
00:26:31,208 --> 00:26:32,583
You live with your parents?

421
00:26:33,291 --> 00:26:35,250
Yeah, but it's all right, they're gay.

422
00:26:38,958 --> 00:26:40,541
Thought that was funny, Hank?

423
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,375
What happened to Alan?

424
00:26:47,458 --> 00:26:52,000
Oh, he suddenly got terrible icks
about having broken down on the phone.

425
00:26:52,083 --> 00:26:54,375
Kept apologizing over and over.

426
00:26:54,458 --> 00:26:56,291
Did this big about-face,

427
00:26:56,375 --> 00:27:00,250
reverted to the old Alan
right before my very eyes.

428
00:27:00,333 --> 00:27:02,166
- Ears.
- Ears.

429
00:27:02,250 --> 00:27:05,208
Well, the cracked crab
obviously did not work out.

430
00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:07,291
I don't know why everyone
has such an aversion to it.

431
00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:10,291
Sometimes you remind me
of the Chinese water torture.

432
00:27:10,916 --> 00:27:12,583
No. No, I take that back.

433
00:27:12,666 --> 00:27:16,375
Sometimes you remind me
of the relentless Chinese water torture.

434
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,708
- Bitch.
- Whoo! Whoo!

435
00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:23,625
- Wonder where Harold is.
- Yeah, where is the frozen fruit?

436
00:27:24,208 --> 00:27:26,208
Emory refers to Harold as the frozen fruit

437
00:27:26,291 --> 00:27:28,833
because of his former profession
as an ice skater.

438
00:27:28,916 --> 00:27:30,208
Whoo!

439
00:27:31,458 --> 00:27:32,916
You know he's out here looking rough.

440
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,666
If your mother could see you now,
she'd have a stroke.

441
00:27:37,750 --> 00:27:39,833
Got a camera on you?

442
00:27:39,916 --> 00:27:42,625
Oh, my God, it's Lily Law.
Everybody, three feet apart.

443
00:27:42,708 --> 00:27:44,333
It's probably Harold now.

444
00:27:47,375 --> 00:27:49,583
No, it's the delivery boy from the bakery.

445
00:27:49,666 --> 00:27:52,291
- Oh, thank God.
- Ask him if he's got any hot cross buns!

446
00:27:56,375 --> 00:27:57,958
Come on, Emory. Knock it off.

447
00:27:58,750 --> 00:28:00,750
You can take her anywhere but out.

448
00:28:01,375 --> 00:28:03,583
You remind me
of an old maid school teacher.

449
00:28:03,666 --> 00:28:05,291
You remind me of a chicken wing.

450
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,041
- I'm sure you meant that as a compliment.
- Good evening.

451
00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:18,333
Hey, Bernard, remember that thing
we used to do on Fire Island?

452
00:28:18,416 --> 00:28:21,708
Whoo! That was in so far back,
I think I've forgotten.

453
00:28:21,791 --> 00:28:23,583
I remember.

454
00:28:23,666 --> 00:28:25,416
- Baby, come on, follow.
- What is it?

455
00:28:25,500 --> 00:28:28,166
- It goes swing, swing. Hook, hook.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

456
00:28:28,250 --> 00:28:31,083
Milk the cow,
milk the cow, milk the cow…

457
00:28:31,166 --> 00:28:33,208
You gotta swing it. You gotta hit it.

458
00:28:35,791 --> 00:28:38,916
Look, it's the Geriatric Rockettes!
Here we go.

459
00:29:07,375 --> 00:29:10,166
- Come on, Donald. Donald.
- No, God.

460
00:29:54,791 --> 00:29:56,791
- God damn it, Hank!
- Why would you...

461
00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:06,583
I thought… I'm…
You said that you weren't coming.

462
00:30:06,666 --> 00:30:08,291
Well, I'm sorry.

463
00:30:10,083 --> 00:30:12,458
Well, we were just acting silly.

464
00:30:13,958 --> 00:30:16,458
When I called,
I was at a phone booth around the corner.

465
00:30:16,541 --> 00:30:18,083
My dinner party isn't far from here.

466
00:30:18,166 --> 00:30:21,041
Emory was showing us this silly dance.

467
00:30:21,125 --> 00:30:23,250
I walked past,
and your downstairs door was open.

468
00:30:23,333 --> 00:30:24,375
This is Emory.

469
00:30:27,750 --> 00:30:29,125
Everybody, this is Alan McCarthy.

470
00:30:29,208 --> 00:30:34,166
Alan, counterclockwise, we have
Larry, Bernard, Donald, Emory and Hank.

471
00:30:34,250 --> 00:30:35,500
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.

472
00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:38,583
- Would you like a drink?
- Thanks, no. I-I can't stay long.

473
00:30:38,666 --> 00:30:41,250
You're here now, so stay.
What would you like?

474
00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:42,666
- Scotch, please.
- Scotch.

475
00:30:42,750 --> 00:30:44,583
- I'll get it.
- Thank you.

476
00:30:49,875 --> 00:30:52,375
Guess I'm the only beer drinker.

477
00:30:53,041 --> 00:30:54,875
Whose, uh, birthday is it?

478
00:30:54,958 --> 00:30:56,750
- Harold's.
- Harold?

479
00:30:56,833 --> 00:30:59,583
- He's not here yet.
- She's never been on time in her li...

480
00:31:01,916 --> 00:31:05,041
He's… never been on time in his life.

481
00:31:05,125 --> 00:31:09,875
Hank, Alan is from Washington.
We went to college together, Georgetown.

482
00:31:09,958 --> 00:31:10,958
- Ah.
- Yeah.

483
00:31:13,125 --> 00:31:14,750
Well, isn't that fascinating?

484
00:31:14,833 --> 00:31:17,416
If that's too strong,
I'll put some water in it for you.

485
00:31:18,958 --> 00:31:20,750
It's fine, thanks. Fine.

486
00:31:22,875 --> 00:31:25,666
- You in the government, Alan?
- No, I'm a lawyer.

487
00:31:25,750 --> 00:31:27,500
- What do you do?
- I teach school.

488
00:31:27,583 --> 00:31:30,416
Oh. Would have taken you
for an athlete of some sort.

489
00:31:33,458 --> 00:31:35,250
You look like you might play sports.

490
00:31:35,333 --> 00:31:39,000
Well, I'm no professional, but I was
on the basketball team in college.

491
00:31:39,083 --> 00:31:41,166
- Played quite a bit of tennis.
- I play tennis, too.

492
00:31:41,250 --> 00:31:43,291
- Great game. It is, yeah.
- Yeah, great.

493
00:31:45,166 --> 00:31:46,625
- What do you teach?
- Math.

494
00:31:46,708 --> 00:31:47,958
- Math?
- Yeah.

495
00:31:48,541 --> 00:31:49,375
Math.

496
00:31:51,291 --> 00:31:55,041
Kind of makes you want to rush out
and buy a slide rule, doesn't it?

497
00:31:56,041 --> 00:31:57,791
Emory, I need help in the kitchen.

498
00:31:57,875 --> 00:32:00,041
- You're elected. Come on.
- I'm always elected.

499
00:32:00,125 --> 00:32:02,958
- You're a natural-born domestic.
- Said the African queen!

500
00:32:03,041 --> 00:32:05,291
You come, too. Fan me
while I make the salad dressing.

501
00:32:05,375 --> 00:32:07,125
This way, Emory.

502
00:32:11,750 --> 00:32:12,750
Why don't we all sit down?

503
00:32:12,833 --> 00:32:13,916
- Sure.
- Yeah.

504
00:32:24,166 --> 00:32:26,583
I feel terrible
barging in on you fellas this way.

505
00:32:26,666 --> 00:32:27,541
Ah, that's okay.

506
00:32:27,625 --> 00:32:30,791
- How've you been?
- Fine, thanks. And you?

507
00:32:33,375 --> 00:32:34,416
You married?

508
00:32:35,750 --> 00:32:37,500
- What?
- I see you're married.

509
00:32:37,583 --> 00:32:38,750
Oh.

510
00:32:38,833 --> 00:32:42,333
Yes, Hank is married.
Donald, cope with some ice.

511
00:32:44,541 --> 00:32:46,458
- Do you have any kids?
- Yes, two.

512
00:32:46,541 --> 00:32:47,916
A boy, nine. A girl, seven.

513
00:32:48,500 --> 00:32:51,708
You should see my boy play tennis.
Really puts his dad to shame.

514
00:32:51,791 --> 00:32:53,958
- I have two kids, too. Both girls.
- Great.

515
00:32:54,708 --> 00:32:57,458
- How are the girls, Alan?
- Oh, just sensational.

516
00:32:57,541 --> 00:32:59,708
- Yeah?
- They're something, those kids.

517
00:32:59,791 --> 00:33:01,750
God, I'm-I'm nuts about them.

518
00:33:03,125 --> 00:33:04,916
- How long you been married?
- Nine years.

519
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:06,375
Ah!

520
00:33:06,458 --> 00:33:08,625
- Can you believe it, Mickey?
- No.

521
00:33:09,208 --> 00:33:11,708
Mickey used to go with my wife
when we were all in school.

522
00:33:11,791 --> 00:33:13,416
Can you believe that?

523
00:33:13,500 --> 00:33:16,125
Oh, Lord. Sorry.

524
00:33:21,208 --> 00:33:22,500
You live in the city?

525
00:33:23,250 --> 00:33:26,000
Yes, we do.

526
00:33:30,958 --> 00:33:31,958
Oh!

527
00:33:32,458 --> 00:33:34,625
I'm in
the process of getting a divorce.

528
00:33:35,125 --> 00:33:38,666
- Larry and I are roommates at the moment.
- Yes, they're roommates.

529
00:33:39,958 --> 00:33:42,208
Oh, I'm very sorry. I mean...

530
00:33:42,291 --> 00:33:43,916
- No, I understand.
- Mmm.

531
00:33:48,041 --> 00:33:50,791
- I think I'd like another.
- Of course. I'm so sorry.

532
00:33:55,125 --> 00:33:56,291
Can I help you, Alan?

533
00:33:56,958 --> 00:33:58,041
Uh…

534
00:33:59,583 --> 00:34:01,166
Can't seem to find the scotch.

535
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:03,166
It's in your hand.

536
00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:04,875
Oh.

537
00:34:04,958 --> 00:34:06,208
Of course. How stupid of me.

538
00:34:06,291 --> 00:34:08,791
- Why don't you let me do that for you?
- Thank you.

539
00:34:08,875 --> 00:34:12,833
- Where the hell could Harold be?
- Oh, he's always late.

540
00:34:12,916 --> 00:34:15,291
You know how neurotic
he can be about going out in public.

541
00:34:15,375 --> 00:34:16,791
Takes him hours to get ready.

542
00:34:16,875 --> 00:34:18,708
- Why is that?
- Why is what?

543
00:34:18,791 --> 00:34:21,958
Why does it take Harold hours
to get ready before he can go out?

544
00:34:22,750 --> 00:34:24,541
Because she's a sick lady. That's why.

545
00:34:24,625 --> 00:34:26,708
Alan, why don't we go upstairs and talk?

546
00:34:26,791 --> 00:34:28,583
I'm just gonna finish this and go.

547
00:34:28,666 --> 00:34:30,833
Come on. You can bring your drink.

548
00:34:31,750 --> 00:34:33,791
- I-I finished it.
- Here.

549
00:34:40,291 --> 00:34:43,583
- Excuse me. We'll be down in a minute.
- Oh, he'll still be here.

550
00:34:44,875 --> 00:34:46,625
- Come on. This way, Alan.
- Sure.

551
00:34:54,375 --> 00:34:55,583
What was that supposed to mean?

552
00:34:55,666 --> 00:34:57,791
- What was what supposed to mean?
- You know.

553
00:34:58,875 --> 00:35:00,375
- Do you want another beer?
- No.

554
00:35:02,208 --> 00:35:03,625
You're jealous, aren't you?

555
00:35:03,708 --> 00:35:05,833
I'm Larry.

556
00:35:06,958 --> 00:35:08,166
You're jealous.

557
00:35:10,375 --> 00:35:12,500
So, Donald, where have you been
hanging out these days?

558
00:35:12,583 --> 00:35:14,333
I haven't seen you in a long time.

559
00:35:19,666 --> 00:35:21,125
Alan…

560
00:35:23,291 --> 00:35:26,833
I want to try to explain
something about this evening.

561
00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:29,291
What's to explain? Sometimes you just…

562
00:35:29,375 --> 00:35:31,583
Can't invite everybody
to every party, and…

563
00:35:32,166 --> 00:35:34,458
Some people take it personally,
but not me.

564
00:35:34,541 --> 00:35:36,791
I should apologize for inviting myself.

565
00:35:36,875 --> 00:35:38,958
That is not exactly what I meant.

566
00:35:39,666 --> 00:35:42,250
Your friends seem like awfully nice guys.

567
00:35:43,041 --> 00:35:44,958
That Hank is a very attractive fellow.

568
00:35:45,541 --> 00:35:46,666
Yes, he is.

569
00:35:47,500 --> 00:35:50,083
- What's his roommate's name?
- Uh, Larry.

570
00:35:50,166 --> 00:35:51,000
What does he do?

571
00:35:52,166 --> 00:35:53,708
He's a commercial artist.

572
00:35:53,791 --> 00:35:56,291
I liked Donald, too.

573
00:35:59,583 --> 00:36:01,916
The only one
I didn't care for too much was…

574
00:36:02,625 --> 00:36:04,041
What's his name? Emory?

575
00:36:04,125 --> 00:36:05,916
Yes, Emory.

576
00:36:06,541 --> 00:36:09,125
Just can't stand that kind of talk.
It grates on me.

577
00:36:13,541 --> 00:36:15,333
What kind of talk, Alan?

578
00:36:15,416 --> 00:36:19,458
Oh, you know, his…
brand of humor, I guess.

579
00:36:19,541 --> 00:36:22,250
He can be really quite funny sometimes.

580
00:36:22,333 --> 00:36:25,291
I suppose, if you find
that sort of thing amusing. He just…

581
00:36:26,083 --> 00:36:28,458
Seems like such a goddamn little pansy.

582
00:36:31,583 --> 00:36:34,333
I'm sorry I said that.
I didn't mean to say that. That's…

583
00:36:35,541 --> 00:36:38,083
Such an awful thing
to say about anyone.

584
00:36:38,958 --> 00:36:40,750
But you know what I mean, Michael.

585
00:36:41,458 --> 00:36:43,375
You have to admit he is effeminate.

586
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,000
- He is a bit.
- A bit?

587
00:36:48,125 --> 00:36:50,083
He's like a butterfly in heat.

588
00:36:51,416 --> 00:36:54,083
There's no wonder
he was teaching you all to dance.

589
00:36:54,875 --> 00:36:57,166
He probably wanted to dance with you.

590
00:37:01,333 --> 00:37:03,416
Oh, come on, man. You know me.

591
00:37:04,625 --> 00:37:08,458
You know how I feel.
Your private life is your own affair.

592
00:37:09,291 --> 00:37:11,416
No, I don't know that about you, Alan.

593
00:37:11,500 --> 00:37:12,416
I-I…

594
00:37:13,291 --> 00:37:15,708
Don't care what people do
as long as they don't do it in public

595
00:37:15,791 --> 00:37:18,083
or try to force their ways
on the whole world.

596
00:37:18,166 --> 00:37:20,208
What were you crying about
on the telephone?

597
00:37:20,291 --> 00:37:24,333
All I... All I can say is
please forgive me for making…

598
00:37:25,166 --> 00:37:26,750
Such an ass of myself.

599
00:37:26,833 --> 00:37:29,083
You must have been upset
or you wouldn't have said you were

600
00:37:29,166 --> 00:37:31,125
and that you wanted to see me,
you had to see me.

601
00:37:31,208 --> 00:37:33,583
- Michael, please.
- Is something wrong between you and Fran?

602
00:37:33,666 --> 00:37:35,166
Listen, I've really gotta go.

603
00:37:35,250 --> 00:37:36,333
Why are you in New York?

604
00:37:36,416 --> 00:37:38,916
- Late for this dinner.
- Whose dinner? Where are you going?

605
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:40,250
- Is that the loo?
- Yes.

606
00:37:40,791 --> 00:37:41,958
Excuse me.

607
00:37:50,791 --> 00:37:53,333
What's going on in here?
Oh, Mary, don't ask.

608
00:37:53,916 --> 00:37:55,875
Hank, why don't you come and join us?

609
00:37:56,916 --> 00:37:59,958
That's an interesting suggestion.
Whose idea is that?

610
00:38:00,583 --> 00:38:02,583
Mine.

611
00:38:02,666 --> 00:38:04,458
He means in conversation.

612
00:38:04,541 --> 00:38:08,291
- Where are the rest of the wine glasses?
- I's working as fast as I can.

613
00:38:09,916 --> 00:38:11,666
- To your health.
- Up yours.

614
00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:13,583
Up my health?

615
00:38:14,166 --> 00:38:16,625
- Where's the gent?
- He's in the gent's room.

616
00:38:16,708 --> 00:38:18,875
If you can all hang on
for five more minutes,

617
00:38:18,958 --> 00:38:20,208
he's about to leave.

618
00:38:20,291 --> 00:38:22,083
Well, at last.

619
00:38:35,916 --> 00:38:37,000
Oh!

620
00:38:40,625 --> 00:38:42,083
Who the hell are you?

621
00:38:42,166 --> 00:38:44,833
She's Harold's present from me
and she's early,

622
00:38:44,916 --> 00:38:47,458
and that's not even Harold, you idiot!

623
00:38:47,541 --> 00:38:49,208
You said whoever answered the door.

624
00:38:49,875 --> 00:38:53,666
But not until midnight.
He's supposed to be a midnight cowboy.

625
00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:57,666
He looks right out of the chorus
of a bus-and-truck <i>Oklahoma!</i>

626
00:38:57,750 --> 00:39:01,041
Not until midnight, and you're supposed
to sing to the right person.

627
00:39:01,125 --> 00:39:05,083
I told you Harold
has very tight, tight, black curly hair.

628
00:39:05,166 --> 00:39:07,041
This number's practically bald.

629
00:39:07,125 --> 00:39:09,291
Thank you, and fuck you!

630
00:39:09,375 --> 00:39:10,875
Good thing I didn't open the door.

631
00:39:10,958 --> 00:39:13,958
Not that tight and not that black.

632
00:39:14,041 --> 00:39:15,083
I-I forgot.

633
00:39:15,583 --> 00:39:17,666
Besides, I wanted to get
to the bars by midnight.

634
00:39:17,750 --> 00:39:20,000
Oh, he's a class act all the way around.

635
00:39:20,083 --> 00:39:21,708
What do you mean, "get to the bars"?

636
00:39:21,791 --> 00:39:24,041
Sweetie, I paid you
for the whole night, remember?

637
00:39:24,125 --> 00:39:27,291
I hurt my back doing my exercises,
and I wanted to get to bed early.

638
00:39:27,375 --> 00:39:29,875
Well, that's too bad. What happened?

639
00:39:29,958 --> 00:39:32,291
I lost my grip doing my chin-ups,

640
00:39:32,375 --> 00:39:34,333
and I fell on my heels
and twisted my back.

641
00:39:34,416 --> 00:39:36,458
You shouldn't wear heels
when you do chin-ups!

642
00:39:38,833 --> 00:39:41,833
I shouldn't do chin-ups.
I got a weak grip.

643
00:39:41,916 --> 00:39:44,833
Aw, weak grip. In my day,
it used to be called a limp wrist.

644
00:39:44,916 --> 00:39:46,625
Who can remember that far back?

645
00:39:46,708 --> 00:39:49,666
- What's your card say?
- Here. Read it.

646
00:39:52,708 --> 00:39:56,000
"Dear Harold, bang-bang. You're alive."

647
00:39:56,083 --> 00:39:58,583
"Now roll over and play dead."

648
00:39:58,666 --> 00:40:01,125
"Happy Birthday, Emory."

649
00:40:01,208 --> 00:40:02,958
Sheer poetry, Emmy.

650
00:40:03,041 --> 00:40:05,083
And in your usual good taste.

651
00:40:05,166 --> 00:40:08,333
So conservative of you
to resist a sign in Times Square.

652
00:40:10,541 --> 00:40:14,291
- Cheese it, here comes the socialite nun.
- Shit. God damn it, Emory.

653
00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:20,458
Well, I'm off.
Thanks, Michael, for the drink.

654
00:40:20,541 --> 00:40:23,041
Oh, you're entirely welcome.
So I'll see you tomorrow?

655
00:40:23,125 --> 00:40:27,208
No. No, I think I'm gonna be awfully busy.
Might even go back to Washington.

656
00:40:27,291 --> 00:40:30,125
Got a heavy date in Lafayette Square?

657
00:40:30,208 --> 00:40:31,625
- What?
- Emory.

658
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:35,041
Forget it.

659
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:38,208
Are you Harold?

660
00:40:38,291 --> 00:40:41,083
No, he's not Harold. He's for Harold.

661
00:40:44,750 --> 00:40:48,000
- Goodbye, Hank. It was nice to meet you.
- Same here, Alan.

662
00:40:48,083 --> 00:40:50,125
If you're in Washington,
I'd like you to meet my wife.

663
00:40:50,208 --> 00:40:52,250
That'd be fun. Wouldn't it, Hank?

664
00:40:52,333 --> 00:40:54,833
Yeah, I'm sure they'd love to meet him…

665
00:40:54,916 --> 00:40:56,083
Her.

666
00:40:57,333 --> 00:41:00,791
I have such a problem with pronouns.

667
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:02,833
How many S's are in the word pronoun?

668
00:41:04,625 --> 00:41:07,791
How'd you like to kiss my ass?
That's got two more S's in it.

669
00:41:08,833 --> 00:41:10,750
- How'd you like to blow me?
- Mmm.

670
00:41:11,583 --> 00:41:13,750
What's wrong with your wife?
She got lockjaw?

671
00:41:13,833 --> 00:41:15,750
Faggot! Fairy!

672
00:41:18,500 --> 00:41:20,791
- Emory!
- You goddamn freak.

673
00:41:28,041 --> 00:41:31,125
Motherfucker!
I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!

674
00:41:38,250 --> 00:41:40,416
Fucking faggot! Faggot!

675
00:41:41,166 --> 00:41:42,416
- Get some ice!
- Freak!

676
00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:44,208
What the hell is wrong with you, huh?

677
00:41:45,583 --> 00:41:46,625
Just relax.

678
00:41:46,708 --> 00:41:48,833
He just
busted your lip, love. Larry?

679
00:41:48,916 --> 00:41:50,291
Here.

680
00:41:51,875 --> 00:41:53,583
- Jesus.
- Damn it.

681
00:42:00,166 --> 00:42:02,208
Do you mind waiting
over there with the gifts?

682
00:42:08,208 --> 00:42:11,375
Well, Harold! Happy birthday.

683
00:42:11,916 --> 00:42:13,625
You're just in time for the floor show,

684
00:42:14,208 --> 00:42:17,000
which you can see is on the floor.

685
00:42:17,083 --> 00:42:19,333
Hey, you, this is Harold.

686
00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:08,250
What's so fucking funny?

687
00:43:13,166 --> 00:43:14,125
Life.

688
00:43:15,750 --> 00:43:19,375
Life is a goddamned laugh riot.
You remember life?

689
00:43:19,458 --> 00:43:21,666
- You're stoned.
- Happy birthday, Harold.

690
00:43:21,750 --> 00:43:23,750
You're stoned, and you're late.

691
00:43:23,833 --> 00:43:25,500
You were supposed
to arrive at this location

692
00:43:25,583 --> 00:43:28,291
at approximately 8:30 dash 9:00.

693
00:43:29,750 --> 00:43:31,166
What I am, Michael,

694
00:43:32,416 --> 00:43:37,416
is a 32-year-old,
ugly, pock-marked, Jew fairy,

695
00:43:38,125 --> 00:43:41,583
and if it takes me a while
to pull myself together,

696
00:43:42,166 --> 00:43:45,583
and if I smoke a little grass
before I can get up the nerve

697
00:43:45,666 --> 00:43:47,416
to show this face to the world,

698
00:43:48,541 --> 00:43:52,750
then it's nobody's
goddamn business but my own.

699
00:43:54,791 --> 00:43:56,625
And how are you this evening?

700
00:43:57,208 --> 00:43:58,958
Happy birthday, Hallie.

701
00:44:00,083 --> 00:44:02,166
- What happened to you?
- Don't ask.

702
00:44:02,250 --> 00:44:03,458
Your lips are turning blue.

703
00:44:03,541 --> 00:44:05,458
You look like
you've been rimming a snowman.

704
00:44:05,541 --> 00:44:07,458
That piss-elegant kooze hit me.

705
00:44:07,541 --> 00:44:10,666
Careful, Emory. That kind of talk
just makes him so nervous.

706
00:44:10,750 --> 00:44:11,875
Who is she?

707
00:44:12,458 --> 00:44:13,666
Who was she?

708
00:44:14,333 --> 00:44:16,375
Who does she hope to be?

709
00:44:16,458 --> 00:44:18,208
Who knows? Who cares?

710
00:44:18,291 --> 00:44:20,166
His name is Alan McCarthy.

711
00:44:21,416 --> 00:44:25,666
Not the famous college chum?
Is this my surprise from you, Michael?

712
00:44:25,750 --> 00:44:27,791
I think Alan is the one
who got the surprise.

713
00:44:27,875 --> 00:44:31,625
- You'll notice he's speechless.
- I hope she's in shock! She's a beast!

714
00:44:32,458 --> 00:44:33,875
Is it his birthday, too?

715
00:44:33,958 --> 00:44:36,916
- That's your surprise.
- Speaking of beasts.

716
00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:39,000
From me to you, darling.
How do you like it?

717
00:44:39,083 --> 00:44:42,625
Well, I suppose
he has an interesting face and body,

718
00:44:42,708 --> 00:44:46,583
but it turns me right off 'cause
he can't talk intelligently about art.

719
00:44:46,666 --> 00:44:48,500
Yeah, ain't it a shame?

720
00:44:48,583 --> 00:44:51,416
- I could never love anyone like that.
- Never. Who could?

721
00:44:51,500 --> 00:44:54,416
I could and you could, that's who could.

722
00:44:54,500 --> 00:44:56,291
Mary, she's gorgeous.

723
00:44:56,875 --> 00:44:59,250
She may be dumb, but she's all yours.

724
00:44:59,333 --> 00:45:03,125
I think my present is a super surprise.
I'm so thrilled to get it.

725
00:45:03,208 --> 00:45:06,583
I would kiss you,
but I don't want to get blood all over me.

726
00:45:06,666 --> 00:45:08,500
Look at my top!

727
00:45:09,250 --> 00:45:11,250
Wait till you see your face.

728
00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:14,625
Come on, Emory. Let's clean you up, hmm?
Happy birthday, Harold.

729
00:45:15,250 --> 00:45:17,541
- Thanks, love.
- Top is ruined.

730
00:45:17,625 --> 00:45:19,291
Take one of mine
from the bedroom.

731
00:45:19,375 --> 00:45:21,166
The one on the floor is vicuña.

732
00:45:22,250 --> 00:45:25,250
Just another birthday party
with the folks.

733
00:45:26,416 --> 00:45:30,541
Here's a cold bottle of Pouilly-Fuissé
I bought especially for you, kiddo.

734
00:45:30,625 --> 00:45:34,208
Pussycat, all is forgiven. You can stay.

735
00:45:34,791 --> 00:45:39,208
No. You can stay,
but not all is forgiven. Cheers.

736
00:45:44,958 --> 00:45:48,125
Who asked Mr. Right
to celebrate my birthday?

737
00:45:49,125 --> 00:45:50,916
There are no accidents.

738
00:45:51,666 --> 00:45:53,000
And who asked him?

739
00:45:54,541 --> 00:45:55,375
Guilty.

740
00:45:56,041 --> 00:45:58,375
Always got to have
your crutch, haven't you?

741
00:45:58,458 --> 00:45:59,708
I'm not leaving.

742
00:45:59,791 --> 00:46:02,541
I feel sick. I think I'm gonna throw up.

743
00:46:02,625 --> 00:46:05,875
Say that again, and I won't
have to take my appetite suppressants.

744
00:46:05,958 --> 00:46:09,250
Easy does it. One step at a time.

745
00:46:20,125 --> 00:46:23,125
I am not ready
for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

746
00:46:25,583 --> 00:46:27,750
Nor will I be for the next two weeks.

747
00:46:27,833 --> 00:46:30,958
Oh, my God! He's after me again!

748
00:46:31,041 --> 00:46:33,458
- He's sick.
- Yeah, sick in the head.

749
00:46:35,833 --> 00:46:38,125
Mary, take me home.
These queens are crazy.

750
00:46:40,666 --> 00:46:41,833
Turning on.

751
00:46:45,791 --> 00:46:48,958
- Anybody care to join me?
- Many thanks. No.

752
00:46:49,875 --> 00:46:51,250
No, thank you.

753
00:46:51,875 --> 00:46:54,041
How about you, Tex?

754
00:46:54,666 --> 00:46:55,625
Yeah.

755
00:46:57,125 --> 00:47:01,583
Michael, I left the casserole
in the oven. Take it out anytime.

756
00:47:01,666 --> 00:47:02,750
You're not going.

757
00:47:02,833 --> 00:47:05,750
- I couldn't eat now anyway.
- Well, I'm absolutely starving.

758
00:47:05,833 --> 00:47:07,416
I'll eat until I have a fat attack.

759
00:47:07,500 --> 00:47:09,541
I said you're not going.

760
00:47:09,625 --> 00:47:11,250
Beware the hostile fag.

761
00:47:11,333 --> 00:47:14,583
When he's sober, he's dangerous.
When he drinks, he's lethal.

762
00:47:14,666 --> 00:47:17,625
- Attention must not be paid.
- Well, I'm starved, Em.

763
00:47:17,708 --> 00:47:21,666
I'm ready for some of your
Alice B. Toklas' opium-baked lasagne.

764
00:47:21,750 --> 00:47:24,375
Are you really? Aw.

765
00:47:24,458 --> 00:47:27,458
That makes me so pleased.
Maybe I'll serve it before I leave.

766
00:47:27,541 --> 00:47:30,291
Nobody is going anywhere.

767
00:47:31,458 --> 00:47:34,041
You're gonna have schmertz tomorrow
you wouldn't believe.

768
00:47:34,125 --> 00:47:36,500
Hey, do a figure-eight on that.

769
00:47:37,416 --> 00:47:41,291
I'm turning on. You're just turning.

770
00:47:41,375 --> 00:47:44,541
- Michael? Is there any air spray?
- Hairspray?

771
00:47:45,166 --> 00:47:48,666
You're supposed to be holding his head,
not doing his hair.

772
00:47:48,750 --> 00:47:50,083
Air spray, not hairspray.

773
00:47:50,166 --> 00:47:52,416
There's a can of floral spray
on top of the john.

774
00:47:52,500 --> 00:47:53,666
Thanks.

775
00:47:53,750 --> 00:47:57,000
I keep my grass
in the medicine cabinet in a Band-Aid box.

776
00:47:57,083 --> 00:47:58,833
Somebody told me it's the safest place.

777
00:47:58,916 --> 00:48:01,250
If the cops arrive,
you can lock yourself in the bathroom

778
00:48:01,333 --> 00:48:02,625
and flush it down the john.

779
00:48:02,708 --> 00:48:03,916
That's very cagey.

780
00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:05,833
Makes more sense
than where I was keeping it.

781
00:48:05,916 --> 00:48:08,208
In an oregano jar in the spice rack.

782
00:48:08,875 --> 00:48:13,000
I kept forgetting, and accidentally
turning my hateful mother on with a salad,

783
00:48:13,916 --> 00:48:15,083
but I think she likes it.

784
00:48:15,166 --> 00:48:18,625
No matter what meal she comes over for,
even if it's breakfast, she says,

785
00:48:18,708 --> 00:48:19,791
"Let's have a salad!"

786
00:48:25,250 --> 00:48:28,958
You are definitely the type
that still moves his lips when he reads,

787
00:48:29,625 --> 00:48:31,083
and who sits in a steam room

788
00:48:31,166 --> 00:48:33,583
and says things like,
"Hot enough for you?"

789
00:48:33,666 --> 00:48:36,250
I never use the steam room
when I go to the gym.

790
00:48:36,875 --> 00:48:39,208
It's bad after a workout.
It flattens you down.

791
00:48:40,541 --> 00:48:44,833
Just after you've broken your back
to blow yourself up like a poisoned dog?

792
00:48:46,416 --> 00:48:48,791
- Yeah.
- You're right, Harold.

793
00:48:49,833 --> 00:48:52,708
Not only can he not
talk intelligently about art,

794
00:48:52,791 --> 00:48:55,750
he can't even follow
from one sentence to the next.

795
00:48:56,625 --> 00:48:58,041
But he's beautiful.

796
00:48:58,916 --> 00:49:01,541
He has unnatural natural beauty.

797
00:49:02,208 --> 00:49:05,125
- Not that that means anything.
- It doesn't mean everything.

798
00:49:05,208 --> 00:49:08,708
Keep telling yourself that
as your hair drops out in handfuls.

799
00:49:09,541 --> 00:49:14,708
Not that it's not natural for one's hair
to recede as one reaches seniority.

800
00:49:15,750 --> 00:49:19,208
You know, faggots are worse
than women about their age.

801
00:49:19,291 --> 00:49:21,500
They think their lives are over at 30.

802
00:49:21,583 --> 00:49:24,708
Physical beauty
is not that goddamned important.

803
00:49:24,791 --> 00:49:27,041
Well, of course it's not. How could it be?

804
00:49:27,125 --> 00:49:29,041
It's only in the eye of the beholder.

805
00:49:29,125 --> 00:49:33,375
And it's only skin-deep.
Don't forget about that one.

806
00:49:34,833 --> 00:49:37,791
Oh, no,
I haven't forgotten that one at all.

807
00:49:38,291 --> 00:49:42,375
It's only skin-deep,
and it's transitory, too.

808
00:49:42,458 --> 00:49:44,708
It's terribly transitory.

809
00:49:44,791 --> 00:49:50,416
I mean, how long does it last?
30 or 40 or 50 years at the most?

810
00:49:50,500 --> 00:49:54,833
Yes, it's too bad
about this poor boy's face.

811
00:49:55,833 --> 00:49:57,000
It's tragic.

812
00:49:57,625 --> 00:49:59,875
He's absolutely cursed.

813
00:50:01,041 --> 00:50:04,916
And how could his beauty
ever compare with my soul?

814
00:50:05,666 --> 00:50:07,625
And although I have never seen my soul,

815
00:50:07,708 --> 00:50:10,875
I understand from my mother's rabbi
that it's a knockout.

816
00:50:11,791 --> 00:50:14,791
I, however, cannot seem
to locate it for a gander,

817
00:50:14,875 --> 00:50:17,833
and if I could,
I would sell it in a flash

818
00:50:17,916 --> 00:50:21,750
for some skin-deep,
transitory, meaningless beauty.

819
00:50:21,833 --> 00:50:24,541
Forgive him, Father,
for he know not what he do.

820
00:50:24,625 --> 00:50:27,125
Oh, Michael, you kill me.

821
00:50:27,208 --> 00:50:29,083
You don't know
which side of the fence you're on.

822
00:50:29,166 --> 00:50:31,708
If somebody says something pro-religion,
you're against them.

823
00:50:31,791 --> 00:50:34,166
If somebody denies God,
you're against them.

824
00:50:34,833 --> 00:50:37,333
One might say
you have a problem in this area.

825
00:50:37,416 --> 00:50:39,791
You can't live with it,
you can't live without it.

826
00:50:39,875 --> 00:50:41,458
- Hot stuff coming through!
- Hey!

827
00:50:41,541 --> 00:50:44,625
You know what? One could murder you
with very little effort.

828
00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:48,708
You hang on to that great
insurance policy called the church.

829
00:50:48,791 --> 00:50:50,541
That's right, I believe in God.

830
00:50:50,625 --> 00:50:54,416
And if it turns out that there
really isn't one? Okay, nothing lost.

831
00:50:54,500 --> 00:50:57,208
But if it turns out that there is,
I'm covered.

832
00:50:57,291 --> 00:50:59,958
Harriet Hypocrite, that's who you are.

833
00:51:00,041 --> 00:51:03,000
Right. I am one
of those truly rotten Catholics

834
00:51:03,083 --> 00:51:06,791
who gets drunk, sins all night,
and goes to Mass the next morning.

835
00:51:06,875 --> 00:51:09,541
It depends on what you think sin is.

836
00:51:09,625 --> 00:51:13,458
Would you shut your minty mouth
and get back to the goddamn kitchen?

837
00:51:14,875 --> 00:51:17,333
Say whatever you want. Just don't hit me.

838
00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:21,333
Well, is it bigger than a breadstick?

839
00:51:21,416 --> 00:51:23,250
He's laying down for a little bit.

840
00:51:23,333 --> 00:51:25,625
- How does the bathroom smell?
- Better.

841
00:51:25,708 --> 00:51:28,000
Before it smelled like somebody puked.

842
00:51:28,083 --> 00:51:30,583
Now it smells like somebody
puked in a gardenia patch.

843
00:51:30,666 --> 00:51:32,666
Dinner is served!

844
00:51:35,083 --> 00:51:36,666
What would you like, big boy?

845
00:51:36,750 --> 00:51:39,291
Alan McCarthy, and don't hold the mayo.

846
00:51:39,375 --> 00:51:42,833
Oh, Em, it looks absolutely fabulous.

847
00:51:42,916 --> 00:51:44,583
I'd make somebody a good wife.

848
00:51:44,666 --> 00:51:46,583
- What is it?
- Lasagna.

849
00:51:46,666 --> 00:51:49,833
Looks like spaghetti and meatballs
sort of flattened out.

850
00:51:51,166 --> 00:51:54,041
Well, it's been in the steam room.

851
00:51:54,125 --> 00:51:55,833
- It has?
- Oh, my God.

852
00:51:56,500 --> 00:52:00,458
"It looks like spaghetti and meatballs
sort of flattened out."

853
00:52:00,541 --> 00:52:02,916
Oh, yes, Harold, truly enviable.

854
00:52:03,000 --> 00:52:06,833
As opposed to you,
who knows so much about haute cuisine.

855
00:52:06,916 --> 00:52:10,458
Raconteur, gourmet, troll.

856
00:52:11,083 --> 00:52:12,875
- It's good.
- You like it? Eat it.

857
00:52:12,958 --> 00:52:14,875
Stuff your mouth
so you can't say anything.

858
00:52:14,958 --> 00:52:15,791
Turning.

859
00:52:15,875 --> 00:52:17,416
- Wine?
- No, thank you.

860
00:52:17,500 --> 00:52:19,833
Oh, go on, kiddo. Force yourself.

861
00:52:19,916 --> 00:52:23,541
Have a little <i>vin ordinaire</i>
to wash down all that depressed pasta.

862
00:52:23,625 --> 00:52:27,333
Sommelier, connoisseur, pig.

863
00:52:28,250 --> 00:52:29,708
Aren't you gonna have any?

864
00:52:29,791 --> 00:52:33,750
No, my lip hurts too much to eat.
Anybody gonna bring a plate up to Alan?

865
00:52:33,833 --> 00:52:37,833
Oh. The punching bag
is now dissolved into Flo Nightingale.

866
00:52:37,916 --> 00:52:39,375
Do you like it, Hallie?

867
00:52:39,458 --> 00:52:42,750
Mmm. I'm having seconds and thirds
and maybe even fifths.

868
00:52:42,833 --> 00:52:45,250
I'm absolutely desperate
to keep the weight up.

869
00:52:46,708 --> 00:52:50,083
You're absolutely paranoid
about absolutely everything.

870
00:52:50,166 --> 00:52:54,125
Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you
not tell me about it?

871
00:52:54,916 --> 00:52:57,125
You starve yourself all day

872
00:52:57,208 --> 00:52:59,625
so that you can
gorge yourself at one meal,

873
00:52:59,708 --> 00:53:04,500
and then you moan and groan about
how fat you are and how ugly you are,

874
00:53:04,583 --> 00:53:08,000
when the truth is you're no fatter
or thinner than you ever were.

875
00:53:08,083 --> 00:53:10,333
- Polly Paranoia.
- This is great, Emory.

876
00:53:10,416 --> 00:53:13,666
Connie Casserole. No trouble at all.
Oh, Mary, don't ask.

877
00:53:13,750 --> 00:53:18,250
Oh! Oh! And this pathological lateness,
that's downright crazy.

878
00:53:18,333 --> 00:53:19,333
Turning!

879
00:53:19,416 --> 00:53:22,291
Standing before a bathroom mirror
for hours and hours

880
00:53:22,375 --> 00:53:24,791
before you can walk out on the street,

881
00:53:24,875 --> 00:53:29,041
and looking no different
after Christ knows how many applications

882
00:53:29,125 --> 00:53:33,916
of Christ knows how many
ointments and salves and creams and masks.

883
00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:37,208
I've got bad skin. What can I tell you?

884
00:53:37,291 --> 00:53:40,041
Who wouldn't after they deliberately
take a pair of tweezers

885
00:53:40,125 --> 00:53:42,791
and deliberately mutilate their pores?

886
00:53:42,875 --> 00:53:44,666
There's no wonder
you got holes in your face

887
00:53:44,750 --> 00:53:48,583
after the hack job you have done
on yourself year in and year out.

888
00:53:48,666 --> 00:53:50,916
King of the pig people.

889
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:54,041
Yes, you've got scars on your face,
but they're not that bad.

890
00:53:54,125 --> 00:53:56,041
And if you'd leave yourself alone,

891
00:53:56,125 --> 00:53:59,125
you wouldn't have any more
than you've already awarded yourself.

892
00:54:00,541 --> 00:54:03,916
You'd really like me
to compliment you now, wouldn't you,

893
00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:05,333
for how honest you're being?

894
00:54:06,458 --> 00:54:08,250
For being my best friend who will tell me

895
00:54:08,333 --> 00:54:12,458
what even my best friends won't tell me,
you hateful sow.

896
00:54:12,541 --> 00:54:14,625
And the pills!

897
00:54:14,708 --> 00:54:16,958
Harold has been gathering, saving,

898
00:54:17,041 --> 00:54:19,708
and storing up barbiturates
for the past year

899
00:54:19,791 --> 00:54:21,375
like a goddamn squirrel.

900
00:54:21,458 --> 00:54:24,375
Hundreds of Nembutals,
hundreds of Seconals.

901
00:54:24,458 --> 00:54:26,250
All in preparation for,

902
00:54:26,333 --> 00:54:30,291
and anticipation of,
the long winter of his death.

903
00:54:30,375 --> 00:54:31,958
I'll tell you right now, Hallie,

904
00:54:32,041 --> 00:54:35,416
when the time comes,
you'll never have the guts.

905
00:54:36,041 --> 00:54:38,333
It's not always like it happens in plays.

906
00:54:38,416 --> 00:54:42,000
Not all faggots bump themselves off
at the end of the story.

907
00:54:46,625 --> 00:54:49,208
What you say may be true.

908
00:54:50,208 --> 00:54:52,416
Time will undoubtedly tell.

909
00:54:53,333 --> 00:54:56,333
But in the meantime,
you've left out one detail.

910
00:54:58,375 --> 00:55:01,666
The cosmetics
and astringents are paid for,

911
00:55:02,625 --> 00:55:05,208
the bathroom is paid for,

912
00:55:05,916 --> 00:55:07,666
the tweezers are paid for,

913
00:55:07,750 --> 00:55:12,625
and the pills… are paid for.

914
00:55:34,750 --> 00:55:36,041
You're so sweet.

915
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:39,541
Blow out the candles, Mary,
and make a wish!

916
00:55:39,625 --> 00:55:41,083
Blow out your candles, Laura.

917
00:55:49,583 --> 00:55:53,125
- She's 32 years young!
- Oh, my God.

918
00:55:53,208 --> 00:55:56,041
- Now you have to open your gifts.
- Start with this one.

919
00:55:56,125 --> 00:55:59,041
Presents! Where's the card?

920
00:55:59,125 --> 00:56:01,083
- Uh…
- Here.

921
00:56:01,875 --> 00:56:04,291
- Oh, from Larry.
- Larry.

922
00:56:04,375 --> 00:56:06,083
Why would you put it on the back?

923
00:56:09,375 --> 00:56:14,208
Oh, it's heaven.
Oh, I just love it, Larry.

924
00:56:14,291 --> 00:56:16,875
- What is it?
- The deed to Boardwalk.

925
00:56:16,958 --> 00:56:19,375
Aw. Gay pop art.

926
00:56:20,083 --> 00:56:22,666
Oh, Larry, it's super.
It goes up the minute I get home.

927
00:56:22,750 --> 00:56:24,166
- Oh, good.
- I don't get it.

928
00:56:24,250 --> 00:56:25,958
You cruise Atlantic City or something?

929
00:56:26,875 --> 00:56:28,583
How much did you pay for him?

930
00:56:29,250 --> 00:56:33,375
- He was a steal.
- I'm not a steal. I cost $20.

931
00:56:35,583 --> 00:56:38,291
And what do you do for $20?

932
00:56:38,875 --> 00:56:39,958
I do my best.

933
00:56:40,041 --> 00:56:43,416
Oh, what a nifty sweater.

934
00:56:44,416 --> 00:56:45,625
Thank you, Hank.

935
00:56:45,708 --> 00:56:47,750
You can take it back,
exchange it for something else.

936
00:56:47,833 --> 00:56:52,833
No, I think this one is just… nifty.

937
00:56:54,166 --> 00:56:55,791
- Who wants cake?
- Everybody?

938
00:56:55,875 --> 00:56:56,791
None for me.

939
00:56:56,875 --> 00:56:58,291
- There you go.
- Thanks.

940
00:56:58,875 --> 00:57:02,208
Oh, Bernard! How divine!

941
00:57:02,291 --> 00:57:05,083
Look, everybody, bejeweled knee pads.

942
00:57:07,666 --> 00:57:08,958
Monogrammed.

943
00:57:09,541 --> 00:57:11,166
Bernard, you're a camp!

944
00:57:23,125 --> 00:57:24,333
Thank you, Michael.

945
00:57:25,083 --> 00:57:26,000
What?

946
00:57:27,458 --> 00:57:28,458
Oh.

947
00:57:30,750 --> 00:57:33,333
- You're welcome.
- What is it, Harold?

948
00:57:34,083 --> 00:57:36,375
It's a photograph of him
in a silver frame,

949
00:57:36,458 --> 00:57:39,166
and there's an inscription engraved
and the date.

950
00:57:39,958 --> 00:57:41,000
What's it say?

951
00:57:46,750 --> 00:57:48,458
Just something personal.

952
00:57:51,041 --> 00:57:54,875
Hey, Bernard, what do you say we have
a little music to liven things up?

953
00:57:54,958 --> 00:57:58,333
- Okay.
- Yeah, I feel like dancing.

954
00:58:00,583 --> 00:58:01,625
Come on, Michael.

955
00:58:02,458 --> 00:58:04,375
Oh, no, thanks. I can only lead.

956
00:58:05,166 --> 00:58:08,958
- I can follow.
- Oh, I think I'll sip this one out.

957
00:58:09,041 --> 00:58:09,875
Ha!

958
00:59:06,666 --> 00:59:07,666
Come on, Tex.

959
01:00:17,625 --> 01:00:19,041
Shit.

960
01:00:20,958 --> 01:00:22,916
- Michael!
- Everybody, help clean up.

961
01:00:26,916 --> 01:00:28,791
Go, go, go! Come on!

962
01:00:33,583 --> 01:00:36,250
Come here, kid.

963
01:00:39,833 --> 01:00:42,625
- Everybody, hurry up!
- Close the door!

964
01:00:44,375 --> 01:00:46,208
- Come on, guys.
- Come on.

965
01:00:47,791 --> 01:00:49,166
Get the fuck inside.

966
01:00:50,000 --> 01:00:51,875
Oh God.

967
01:00:51,958 --> 01:00:53,208
I'm dripping all over.

968
01:00:55,083 --> 01:00:57,208
Take a towel.
Don't get the goddamn furniture wet.

969
01:00:57,291 --> 01:01:00,458
- Here. Towel. Dry off.
- Jesus, Michael.

970
01:01:00,541 --> 01:01:02,125
Thanks. Thanks, Michael.

971
01:01:05,208 --> 01:01:06,208
Wanna dance?

972
01:01:06,291 --> 01:01:08,833
Uh-oh, Yvonne the Terrible is back.

973
01:01:09,500 --> 01:01:11,833
Oh, hello, Alan. You feel better?

974
01:01:13,458 --> 01:01:15,791
Oh, no. No, no, no. Alan, no.

975
01:01:16,500 --> 01:01:20,833
As they say in the Deep South,
don't rush off in this inclement weather.

976
01:01:20,916 --> 01:01:22,250
You'll never get a cab.

977
01:01:22,333 --> 01:01:24,416
Revolution complete.

978
01:01:24,500 --> 01:01:27,916
You missed the cake
and you missed the opening of the gifts,

979
01:01:28,000 --> 01:01:29,500
but you're still in luck.

980
01:01:29,583 --> 01:01:32,208
You're just in time for a party game.

981
01:01:32,291 --> 01:01:34,125
Hey, everybody, game time.

982
01:01:34,208 --> 01:01:36,291
Michael, why don't you just let him go?

983
01:01:36,916 --> 01:01:38,333
He can go if he wants to,

984
01:01:39,083 --> 01:01:41,375
but not before we play a little game.

985
01:01:41,458 --> 01:01:43,708
What's it gonna be, movie-star gin?

986
01:01:43,791 --> 01:01:48,625
No. No, that's too faggy for Alan to play.
He wouldn't be any good at it.

987
01:01:48,708 --> 01:01:50,958
What would you like to play, Michael?
The Truth Game?

988
01:01:51,541 --> 01:01:52,458
Cute, Hallie.

989
01:01:52,541 --> 01:01:54,583
Or would you like to play Murder?

990
01:01:54,666 --> 01:01:57,750
- You all remember that one, don't you?
- Very, very cute.

991
01:01:57,833 --> 01:01:59,625
As I recall, they're quite similar.

992
01:01:59,708 --> 01:02:02,416
The rules are the same in both:
you kill somebody.

993
01:02:03,291 --> 01:02:05,250
- Mickey, I'm leaving.
- Stay where you are.

994
01:02:05,333 --> 01:02:08,958
- Michael, let him go.
- He really doesn't want to.

995
01:02:09,041 --> 01:02:11,750
If he did, he'd have left a long time ago,

996
01:02:11,833 --> 01:02:13,750
or he wouldn't have come
in the first place.

997
01:02:13,833 --> 01:02:16,291
- Mickey. I don't feel...
- My name is Michael.

998
01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:17,958
I'm called Michael.

999
01:02:18,625 --> 01:02:21,500
You must never call
anyone called Michael "Mickey."

1000
01:02:22,625 --> 01:02:26,000
Those of us who are named Michael
get very nervous about it.

1001
01:02:27,541 --> 01:02:29,166
If you don't believe it, try it.

1002
01:02:30,875 --> 01:02:32,208
I'm sorry. I…

1003
01:02:33,875 --> 01:02:35,333
I can't think.

1004
01:02:35,416 --> 01:02:36,958
You can think.

1005
01:02:37,916 --> 01:02:39,500
What you can't do is leave.

1006
01:02:39,583 --> 01:02:41,750
It's like watching
an accident on a highway.

1007
01:02:41,833 --> 01:02:44,333
You can't look at it,
and you can't look away.

1008
01:03:07,791 --> 01:03:10,041
Who's going to play
with Alan and me? Everyone?

1009
01:03:10,125 --> 01:03:13,875
- I have no intention of playing.
- Yeah, nor do I.

1010
01:03:13,958 --> 01:03:16,125
Well, not everyone
is a participant in life.

1011
01:03:16,208 --> 01:03:19,083
There are always those
who stand on the sidelines and watch.

1012
01:03:19,166 --> 01:03:21,708
- What's the game?
- Simply this:

1013
01:03:22,500 --> 01:03:25,250
We all have to call on the telephone

1014
01:03:25,333 --> 01:03:29,916
the one person
we truly believe we have loved.

1015
01:03:31,791 --> 01:03:34,625
- I'm not playing.
- Oh, yes, you are.

1016
01:03:35,250 --> 01:03:37,916
- You'd like for me to play.
- I'd like to know who you'd call

1017
01:03:38,000 --> 01:03:40,375
after all the fancy speeches
I've heard lately.

1018
01:03:40,458 --> 01:03:42,875
Who'd you call, Hank? Would you call me?

1019
01:03:42,958 --> 01:03:46,291
Oh! Sounds like there's,
how you say, trouble in paradise.

1020
01:03:46,375 --> 01:03:49,250
Well, if there isn't,
I'm sure you could stir up some.

1021
01:03:49,333 --> 01:03:51,375
And who would you call? Hmm?

1022
01:03:52,041 --> 01:03:54,458
Don't think I think for one minute
that it would be me.

1023
01:03:55,166 --> 01:03:57,583
Or that one call would do it.
You'd have to make several.

1024
01:03:57,666 --> 01:04:00,250
Three long-distance,
God only knows how many locals.

1025
01:04:00,333 --> 01:04:02,833
- I'm glad I don't have to pay the bill.
- Quiet.

1026
01:04:02,916 --> 01:04:05,833
Don't worry.
Michael won't pay it either.

1027
01:04:06,375 --> 01:04:10,875
Now, here's how it works.
If you make the call, you get one point.

1028
01:04:10,958 --> 01:04:13,958
If the person you are calling answers,
you get two more points.

1029
01:04:14,041 --> 01:04:16,041
Somebody else answers, you only get one.

1030
01:04:16,125 --> 01:04:18,375
And if there's no answer at all…

1031
01:04:18,958 --> 01:04:19,958
You're screwed.

1032
01:04:20,041 --> 01:04:21,833
You're screwed if you make the call.

1033
01:04:21,916 --> 01:04:24,750
When you get the person
whom you are calling on the line,

1034
01:04:24,833 --> 01:04:28,208
if you tell them who you are,
you get two points. And then…

1035
01:04:29,625 --> 01:04:33,083
If you tell them that you love them,

1036
01:04:33,166 --> 01:04:35,958
you get a bonus of five more points.

1037
01:04:36,041 --> 01:04:37,625
Hateful.

1038
01:04:37,708 --> 01:04:41,416
Therefore, you can get
as many as ten points and as few as one.

1039
01:04:41,500 --> 01:04:44,083
You can get as few as none
if you know how to work it.

1040
01:04:44,166 --> 01:04:45,541
Hank, leave with me?

1041
01:04:45,625 --> 01:04:47,750
Oh, well, now, did you hear that?

1042
01:04:51,500 --> 01:04:53,708
You don't understand, Alan. I can't.

1043
01:04:54,583 --> 01:04:57,166
You can, but I can't.

1044
01:04:57,250 --> 01:04:59,666
If he doesn't understand,
explain it to him.

1045
01:04:59,750 --> 01:05:01,833
- I'll explain it.
- I had a feeling you might.

1046
01:05:01,916 --> 01:05:04,416
Alan, Hank and Larry are lovers.

1047
01:05:05,083 --> 01:05:06,500
They're not roommates.

1048
01:05:06,583 --> 01:05:08,583
- Bedmates, lovers.
- Michael.

1049
01:05:08,666 --> 01:05:11,583
No man's still got a roommate
when he's over 40 years old.

1050
01:05:11,666 --> 01:05:13,583
If they're not lovers, they're sisters.

1051
01:05:13,666 --> 01:05:16,583
- Hank is the one who's over 40.
- Well, you're pushing it.

1052
01:05:17,541 --> 01:05:18,708
Hank.

1053
01:05:21,166 --> 01:05:24,625
Yes, Alan. Larry and I are lovers.

1054
01:05:24,708 --> 01:05:25,541
But…

1055
01:05:26,791 --> 01:05:27,875
But you're married.

1056
01:05:31,875 --> 01:05:33,125
Jesus Christ.

1057
01:05:34,916 --> 01:05:37,625
I think you said the wrong thing.

1058
01:05:37,708 --> 01:05:40,000
Don't you love that quaint little idea?

1059
01:05:40,083 --> 01:05:43,500
If a man's married,
he's automatically heterosexual.

1060
01:05:43,583 --> 01:05:49,708
Alan, Hank swings both ways…
with a definite preference.

1061
01:05:55,416 --> 01:05:58,791
Now… who makes the first call?

1062
01:06:03,208 --> 01:06:05,291
- Emory?
- You go, Bernard.

1063
01:06:05,375 --> 01:06:08,958
- Mm. I don't want to.
- Go on, call up Peter Dahlbeck.

1064
01:06:09,041 --> 01:06:12,000
- That's who you'd like to call, isn't it?
- Who is Peter Dahlbeck?

1065
01:06:12,083 --> 01:06:13,208
The boy in Detroit

1066
01:06:13,291 --> 01:06:15,583
whose family Bernard's mother
has been a laundress for

1067
01:06:15,666 --> 01:06:18,208
since he was a little black-eyed pea.

1068
01:06:20,541 --> 01:06:21,958
I worked for them, too,

1069
01:06:23,083 --> 01:06:24,958
after school and every summer.

1070
01:06:28,666 --> 01:06:30,416
I think I've loved him all my life.

1071
01:06:33,958 --> 01:06:36,083
<i>But he never knew I was alive.</i>

1072
01:06:42,416 --> 01:06:43,958
Besides, he's straight.

1073
01:06:44,041 --> 01:06:45,750
Nothing ever happened between you?

1074
01:06:46,541 --> 01:06:49,083
They finally made it
in the pool house one night

1075
01:06:49,166 --> 01:06:51,083
after a drunken swimming party.

1076
01:06:51,166 --> 01:06:55,458
With the right wine and the right music,
there are damn few that aren't curious.

1077
01:06:55,541 --> 01:06:58,833
And afterwards, we went swimming,

1078
01:06:59,666 --> 01:07:04,333
in the nude, in the dark,
only the moon reflecting the water.

1079
01:07:04,416 --> 01:07:06,166
How romantic.

1080
01:07:06,250 --> 01:07:10,500
And the next morning, you took him
his coffee and Alka-Seltzer on a tray.

1081
01:07:13,125 --> 01:07:16,666
I remember I was worried sick all morning
about having to face him,

1082
01:07:17,458 --> 01:07:20,166
but he pretended
like nothing at all had happened.

1083
01:07:20,250 --> 01:07:23,791
Christ, he must have been so drunk,
he didn't remember a thing.

1084
01:07:23,875 --> 01:07:25,416
Odd how that works.

1085
01:07:25,500 --> 01:07:29,458
And now for ten points,
get that liar on the phone.

1086
01:07:34,416 --> 01:07:36,583
- Mmm!
- Oh!

1087
01:07:43,791 --> 01:07:45,041
You know the number?

1088
01:07:46,083 --> 01:07:49,541
Sure, he's back
in Grosse Pointe, living at home.

1089
01:07:49,625 --> 01:07:51,875
Just got separated from his third wife.

1090
01:07:51,958 --> 01:07:53,166
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

1091
01:08:00,541 --> 01:08:02,458
- DA or BY?
- What?

1092
01:08:02,541 --> 01:08:05,625
It's operator lingo.
It means "doesn't answer" or "busy."

1093
01:08:05,708 --> 01:08:07,750
He didn't even give it time
to find out.

1094
01:08:07,833 --> 01:08:11,791
Come on, Bernard. Pick up that phone.

1095
01:08:11,875 --> 01:08:15,166
You know you want to call him.
You know that, don't you?

1096
01:08:16,333 --> 01:08:17,333
Well, go ahead.

1097
01:08:18,125 --> 01:08:22,291
Your curiosity's got the best of you now.
So go on, call him.

1098
01:08:44,541 --> 01:08:45,541
Do it.

1099
01:08:56,916 --> 01:08:58,416
- Hello?
- One point.

1100
01:08:59,125 --> 01:09:00,333
Who's speaking?

1101
01:09:03,125 --> 01:09:04,125
Oh!

1102
01:09:04,958 --> 01:09:07,208
- Mrs. Dahlbeck.
- One point.

1103
01:09:07,291 --> 01:09:08,291
It's Bernard.

1104
01:09:11,041 --> 01:09:12,291
Francine's boy.

1105
01:09:13,166 --> 01:09:15,208
- Son, not boy.
- Shh.

1106
01:09:17,833 --> 01:09:20,750
Oh, just fine, thank you.

1107
01:09:22,375 --> 01:09:25,666
Mrs. Dahlbeck, is-is… Peter at home?

1108
01:09:30,041 --> 01:09:31,166
Oh.

1109
01:09:33,708 --> 01:09:34,583
Oh, I see.

1110
01:09:34,666 --> 01:09:35,666
Oh, shit.

1111
01:09:36,166 --> 01:09:38,000
Oh, no, no.

1112
01:09:38,583 --> 01:09:42,125
Oh, no, no. No, no.
It-It's nothing important. I, um…

1113
01:09:45,708 --> 01:09:47,458
I just wanted to tell him that…

1114
01:09:51,750 --> 01:09:54,833
<i>Just to tell him that I…</i>

1115
01:09:54,916 --> 01:09:59,708
I love him… and I've always loved him.

1116
01:10:06,125 --> 01:10:08,916
That I was very sorry
to hear about him and his wife.

1117
01:10:09,000 --> 01:10:10,041
No points.

1118
01:10:11,708 --> 01:10:13,125
Mama wrote me.

1119
01:10:15,333 --> 01:10:19,166
Yes, it is. It-It-It really is. Well, uh…

1120
01:10:21,291 --> 01:10:25,416
Would you just tell him
that I called and said that I…

1121
01:10:35,166 --> 01:10:36,166
That I, uh…

1122
01:10:48,500 --> 01:10:50,333
I was just very, very sorry to hear

1123
01:10:50,416 --> 01:10:52,916
and hope they can
get everything straightened out.

1124
01:10:55,375 --> 01:10:57,750
Good night. Uh-huh.

1125
01:10:58,666 --> 01:10:59,791
Goodbye.

1126
01:11:14,000 --> 01:11:15,416
Two points total.

1127
01:11:15,916 --> 01:11:18,125
- Terrible. Next.
- You all right, Bernard?

1128
01:11:19,916 --> 01:11:20,833
Why did I call?

1129
01:11:22,833 --> 01:11:24,166
Why did I do that?

1130
01:11:24,958 --> 01:11:27,291
- Where was he?
- Out on a date.

1131
01:11:29,958 --> 01:11:30,833
Come on.

1132
01:11:31,333 --> 01:11:32,166
Emory.

1133
01:11:34,166 --> 01:11:35,208
Punch in.

1134
01:11:50,583 --> 01:11:52,458
May I have a number, please?

1135
01:11:53,583 --> 01:11:54,708
In the Bronx.

1136
01:11:57,041 --> 01:11:59,583
For a Delbert Botts.

1137
01:11:59,666 --> 01:12:04,083
A Delbert Botts?
How many could there be?

1138
01:12:04,166 --> 01:12:05,916
Wish I hadn't called now.

1139
01:12:06,000 --> 01:12:07,750
No, the residence number, please.

1140
01:12:18,708 --> 01:12:19,708
Thank you.

1141
01:12:20,500 --> 01:12:23,125
I do wish Information
would stop calling me "ma'am."

1142
01:12:23,208 --> 01:12:24,666
Hey, by all means,

1143
01:12:24,750 --> 01:12:26,375
scribble all over my phone.

1144
01:12:26,458 --> 01:12:28,375
It comes off with a little spit.

1145
01:12:28,458 --> 01:12:30,500
Ooh, like a lot of things.

1146
01:12:30,583 --> 01:12:32,541
Who the hell is Delbert Botts?

1147
01:12:32,625 --> 01:12:36,541
The one person I've always loved.
That's who you said to call, isn't it?

1148
01:12:36,625 --> 01:12:37,541
Right, emery board.

1149
01:12:37,625 --> 01:12:41,000
Ugh, how could you love somebody
with a name like that?

1150
01:12:41,583 --> 01:12:46,625
Yes, Emory, you couldn't possibly
love anyone with a name like that.

1151
01:12:46,708 --> 01:12:49,541
That wouldn't look good
on a place card. Right, Alan?

1152
01:12:49,625 --> 01:12:51,500
I admit his name is not so good,

1153
01:12:52,291 --> 01:12:53,250
but he…

1154
01:12:54,416 --> 01:12:56,250
Absolutely beautiful.

1155
01:12:56,333 --> 01:13:00,125
I've loved him ever since
the first day I laid eyes on him,

1156
01:13:01,708 --> 01:13:04,125
which was when I was in the fifth grade

1157
01:13:04,791 --> 01:13:08,291
and he was a senior.

1158
01:13:10,791 --> 01:13:12,666
Then he went away to college,

1159
01:13:12,750 --> 01:13:15,416
and by the time he got out,
I was in high school.

1160
01:13:15,500 --> 01:13:18,875
And he had become… a dentist.

1161
01:13:18,958 --> 01:13:22,958
And you went and had every tooth
in your head pulled out, right?

1162
01:13:23,625 --> 01:13:24,541
No.

1163
01:13:25,750 --> 01:13:27,875
I just had my teeth cleaned, that's all.

1164
01:13:27,958 --> 01:13:31,000
- Oh, I shouldn't have called.
- Will you shut up, Bernard?

1165
01:13:31,083 --> 01:13:34,208
And take your boring, sleep-making icks
somewhere else. Go.

1166
01:13:35,208 --> 01:13:39,458
I remember I looked
right in his eyes the whole time.

1167
01:13:41,291 --> 01:13:43,500
I kept wanting to bite his fingers.

1168
01:13:43,583 --> 01:13:45,625
Well, it's absolutely mind-boggling.

1169
01:13:45,708 --> 01:13:48,916
- Phyllis Phallic.
- It absolutely boggles the mind.

1170
01:13:49,000 --> 01:13:51,833
I told him I was having my teeth cleaned

1171
01:13:51,916 --> 01:13:56,833
for the junior-senior prom
for which I was in charge of decorations.

1172
01:13:58,375 --> 01:14:00,833
<i>I told him</i>
<i>it was a celestial theme,</i>

1173
01:14:00,916 --> 01:14:03,875
<i>and I was cutting stars out of tin foil</i>

1174
01:14:03,958 --> 01:14:08,916
<i>and making clouds
out of chicken wire and angel's hair.</i>

1175
01:14:10,541 --> 01:14:13,875
<i>Oh, Mary, it takes a fairy
to make something pretty.</i>

1176
01:14:13,958 --> 01:14:17,125
I got angel's hair down my shirt
once at Christmastime.

1177
01:14:17,208 --> 01:14:18,458
Gosh, did it itch.

1178
01:14:19,041 --> 01:14:21,541
It would be terrible
if you got that stuff in your…

1179
01:14:24,375 --> 01:14:25,333
I'll be quiet.

1180
01:14:31,416 --> 01:14:35,166
He was engaged
to this stupid-ass girl named Loraine,

1181
01:14:35,250 --> 01:14:37,708
whose mother was truly
a real see-you-next-Tuesday.

1182
01:14:37,791 --> 01:14:39,750
Uh-uh. Don't digress.

1183
01:14:41,166 --> 01:14:45,791
Well, anyway… I was a wreck.
I mean, a total mess.

1184
01:14:45,875 --> 01:14:49,333
I couldn't eat, sleep,
stand up, sit down, nothing.

1185
01:14:50,541 --> 01:14:54,500
Finally, I called him on the phone
and asked if I could see him alone.

1186
01:14:55,375 --> 01:14:57,666
Clearly, not the coolest of moves.

1187
01:14:58,708 --> 01:14:59,833
He said okay.

1188
01:15:00,875 --> 01:15:02,458
Told me to come by his house.

1189
01:15:04,791 --> 01:15:08,958
I was so nervous, my hands were shaking.
I couldn't even look at him.

1190
01:15:09,791 --> 01:15:15,041
I just… stared straight in space
and blurted out why I'd come.

1191
01:15:15,125 --> 01:15:18,500
I told him I wanted him to be my friend.

1192
01:15:19,833 --> 01:15:24,166
I said that I had never
had a friend I could talk to

1193
01:15:24,875 --> 01:15:28,583
and tell everything to and-and trust.

1194
01:15:30,541 --> 01:15:32,291
I asked him if he would be my friend.

1195
01:15:34,208 --> 01:15:36,291
He said he would be glad to be my friend,

1196
01:15:36,875 --> 01:15:40,208
and anytime I wanted
to see him or call him,

1197
01:15:40,291 --> 01:15:42,750
to just call him and he'd see me.

1198
01:15:44,083 --> 01:15:48,166
And he shook my trembling hand,
and I left…

1199
01:15:50,166 --> 01:15:53,125
- On a cloud.
- One of the ones you made yourself.

1200
01:15:53,208 --> 01:15:54,291
And the next day,

1201
01:15:55,083 --> 01:15:57,791
I went out and bought him
a gold-plated cigarette lighter

1202
01:15:57,875 --> 01:15:59,958
and had his initials monogrammed on it.

1203
01:16:00,041 --> 01:16:04,791
I wrote a card that said,
"From your friend, Emory."

1204
01:16:05,375 --> 01:16:08,166
Seventeen years old
and already big with the gifts.

1205
01:16:08,250 --> 01:16:09,958
And then the night of the prom,

1206
01:16:10,833 --> 01:16:15,083
I heard Loraine
and another girl I knew giggling together.

1207
01:16:17,708 --> 01:16:21,666
<i>Obviously, Del had told Loraine
about my calling and about the gift.</i>

1208
01:16:22,833 --> 01:16:25,625
<i>Pretty soon, everybody at the dance
had heard about it.</i>

1209
01:16:26,666 --> 01:16:28,791
<i>They were laughing and making jokes.</i>

1210
01:16:30,791 --> 01:16:34,375
<i>Everybody knew
that I had a crush on Dr. Delbert Botts</i>

1211
01:16:34,958 --> 01:16:37,500
<i>and that I had asked him to be my friend.</i>

1212
01:16:44,208 --> 01:16:46,416
What they didn't know
was that I loved him,

1213
01:16:48,375 --> 01:16:50,125
and that I would go on loving him

1214
01:16:50,208 --> 01:16:55,833
years after they had all forgotten
my funny little secret.

1215
01:16:57,916 --> 01:17:01,500
Well, I for one need an insulin injection.

1216
01:17:01,583 --> 01:17:02,750
Oh.

1217
01:17:07,083 --> 01:17:09,041
- Call him.
- Don't, Emory.

1218
01:17:09,125 --> 01:17:10,958
Since when are you telling him what to do?

1219
01:17:11,041 --> 01:17:13,166
Don't. You'll be sorry.
Take my word for it.

1220
01:17:13,250 --> 01:17:14,875
What have I got to lose?

1221
01:17:14,958 --> 01:17:17,416
Your dignity.
That's what you've got to lose.

1222
01:17:17,500 --> 01:17:19,750
Oh, that's a knee-slapper. I love…

1223
01:17:19,833 --> 01:17:21,791
You're telling him about dignity

1224
01:17:21,875 --> 01:17:24,208
when you allow him
to degrade you constantly

1225
01:17:24,291 --> 01:17:25,916
by Uncle Tom-ing you to death.

1226
01:17:26,000 --> 01:17:30,166
He can do it, Michael.
I can do it. But you can't do it.

1227
01:17:30,250 --> 01:17:33,583
Isn't that discrimination?

1228
01:17:33,666 --> 01:17:36,833
I don't like it from him,
and I don't like it from me.

1229
01:17:37,791 --> 01:17:39,458
But I do it to myself,

1230
01:17:40,375 --> 01:17:42,083
and I let him do it.

1231
01:17:42,166 --> 01:17:44,458
I let him do it
because it's the only thing that,

1232
01:17:44,541 --> 01:17:46,333
to him, makes him my equal.

1233
01:17:48,125 --> 01:17:50,500
We both got the short end of the stick,

1234
01:17:50,583 --> 01:17:53,708
but I got a hell of a lot more
than he did, and he knows it.

1235
01:17:53,791 --> 01:17:55,083
I let him Uncle Tom me

1236
01:17:55,166 --> 01:17:58,291
just so he can tell himself
he's not a complete loser.

1237
01:18:00,583 --> 01:18:02,625
How very considerate.

1238
01:18:03,125 --> 01:18:05,208
It's his defense, Michael.

1239
01:18:05,291 --> 01:18:08,083
You have your defense,
but it's indescribable.

1240
01:18:11,708 --> 01:18:17,000
Y'all want to hear a little polite
parlor jest from the liberal Deep South?

1241
01:18:17,083 --> 01:18:20,375
Do you know
why niggers have such big lips?

1242
01:18:20,458 --> 01:18:23,166
Because they're always going…

1243
01:18:23,250 --> 01:18:25,791
Christ, Michael!
Give me that. Let go, Michael.

1244
01:18:27,208 --> 01:18:30,833
I can do without your goddamn spit
on my telephone, you nellie coward!

1245
01:18:30,916 --> 01:18:33,291
I may be nellie, but I'm no coward!

1246
01:18:35,875 --> 01:18:37,041
Yo, Bernard…

1247
01:18:38,375 --> 01:18:39,666
Forgive me. I'm sorry.

1248
01:18:39,750 --> 01:18:42,250
I won't ever say
those things to you again.

1249
01:18:56,625 --> 01:18:57,708
Huh.

1250
01:19:03,750 --> 01:19:05,416
- BY.
- It's busy?

1251
01:19:05,500 --> 01:19:07,666
Loraine is probably talking to her mother.

1252
01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:11,208
Oh, yes, Delbert married Loraine.

1253
01:19:11,291 --> 01:19:14,000
I'm sorry, you'll have
to forfeit your turn. We can't wait.

1254
01:19:14,916 --> 01:19:17,041
Well, you're not wasting any time.

1255
01:19:17,708 --> 01:19:19,625
- Who are you calling?
- Charlie.

1256
01:19:20,500 --> 01:19:23,791
I refuse to forfeit my turn.
It is my turn, and I'm taking it.

1257
01:19:23,875 --> 01:19:25,750
That's the spirit, Emory.

1258
01:19:25,833 --> 01:19:29,500
You hit that iceberg! Don't miss it.
Hit it! God damn it!

1259
01:19:29,583 --> 01:19:31,500
I want a smash of a finale.

1260
01:19:31,583 --> 01:19:34,666
- God, I'm drunk.
- You're a falling-down-drunk-nellie-queen.

1261
01:19:34,750 --> 01:19:36,958
Now that's the pot
calling the kettle beige.

1262
01:19:37,041 --> 01:19:41,000
I am not drunk.
You cannot tell that I am drunk.

1263
01:19:41,083 --> 01:19:42,875
- I'm drunk.
- So am I.

1264
01:19:42,958 --> 01:19:44,708
- I am a major drunk.
- Shut up and dial.

1265
01:19:44,791 --> 01:19:49,125
I'm a major drunk
of this or any other season.

1266
01:19:56,041 --> 01:19:57,708
It's ringing. It's no longer BY.

1267
01:20:00,833 --> 01:20:02,500
- Hello?
- One point.

1268
01:20:05,000 --> 01:20:06,000
Who's speaking?

1269
01:20:07,458 --> 01:20:08,291
Who?

1270
01:20:10,041 --> 01:20:11,375
Dr. Delbert Botts?

1271
01:20:11,458 --> 01:20:12,625
Two points.

1272
01:20:17,458 --> 01:20:19,208
Del, is this really you?

1273
01:20:22,625 --> 01:20:24,791
Nobody.

1274
01:20:28,625 --> 01:20:31,333
Yeah, you don't know me.
You wouldn't remember me.

1275
01:20:32,166 --> 01:20:33,000
Um…

1276
01:20:37,375 --> 01:20:38,666
I'm just a friend.

1277
01:20:40,791 --> 01:20:42,958
A falling-down, drunken friend.

1278
01:20:47,583 --> 01:20:48,708
Hello?

1279
01:20:51,458 --> 01:20:52,458
Hello?

1280
01:20:56,625 --> 01:20:57,625
Hello?

1281
01:21:10,500 --> 01:21:13,583
- He hung up.
- Three points total. You're winning.

1282
01:21:13,666 --> 01:21:15,125
He said I must have the wrong party.

1283
01:21:15,208 --> 01:21:17,916
Well, he's right. We have the wrong party.

1284
01:21:19,708 --> 01:21:22,083
It's your party, Hallie.
Having a good time?

1285
01:21:22,166 --> 01:21:23,666
Simply fabulous.

1286
01:21:23,750 --> 01:21:26,291
How about you?
Are you having a good time, Emory?

1287
01:21:26,375 --> 01:21:29,083
Are you having as good a time
as you thought you would?

1288
01:21:35,625 --> 01:21:38,000
- My turn now.
- No, it's my turn to call Charlie.

1289
01:21:38,083 --> 01:21:40,916
No… Let me.

1290
01:21:42,791 --> 01:21:44,333
Are you gonna call Charlie?

1291
01:21:45,250 --> 01:21:46,875
Don't, Hank.

1292
01:21:46,958 --> 01:21:47,958
I want to.

1293
01:21:50,666 --> 01:21:51,541
Larry.

1294
01:21:54,666 --> 01:21:56,458
Be my eager guest.

1295
01:21:58,625 --> 01:22:00,166
Is he gonna call Charlie for you?

1296
01:22:00,750 --> 01:22:03,291
Charlie is all the people
I cheat on Hank with.

1297
01:22:03,375 --> 01:22:05,166
With whom I cheat on Hank.

1298
01:22:05,250 --> 01:22:07,625
The butcher, the baker,
the candlestick maker.

1299
01:22:07,708 --> 01:22:09,666
Right! I love 'em all,

1300
01:22:09,750 --> 01:22:13,083
but what Hank refuses to understand
is I gotta have 'em all.

1301
01:22:13,166 --> 01:22:15,541
I'm not the marrying kind.
I never will be.

1302
01:22:15,625 --> 01:22:16,708
Who're you calling?

1303
01:22:16,791 --> 01:22:18,250
Did it ever occur to you

1304
01:22:18,333 --> 01:22:20,666
that Hank might be doing
the same thing behind your back

1305
01:22:20,750 --> 01:22:21,750
that you do behind his?

1306
01:22:21,833 --> 01:22:25,833
I wish to Christ he would.
Would make life a hell of a lot easier.

1307
01:22:25,916 --> 01:22:26,791
Who are you calling?

1308
01:22:26,875 --> 01:22:30,916
Well, whoever it is, they're not
sitting on top of the telephone.

1309
01:22:31,000 --> 01:22:33,166
- Hello?
- Must have been in the tub.

1310
01:22:33,250 --> 01:22:34,166
One point.

1311
01:22:34,250 --> 01:22:37,416
- I'd like to leave a message.
- Oh, not in. One point.

1312
01:22:37,500 --> 01:22:39,166
Would you say that Hank called?

1313
01:22:40,583 --> 01:22:41,500
Yes, it is.

1314
01:22:43,041 --> 01:22:45,583
- Oh, good evening. How are you?
- Who the hell is that?

1315
01:22:45,666 --> 01:22:48,875
Yes, that's right.
The message is for my roommate, Larry.

1316
01:22:48,958 --> 01:22:50,416
Just say that I called…

1317
01:22:50,500 --> 01:22:52,458
It's our answering service.

1318
01:22:52,541 --> 01:22:54,916
…and said I love you.

1319
01:22:56,583 --> 01:22:58,000
Hank, are you crazy?

1320
01:22:59,000 --> 01:23:01,583
You heard me correctly.
The message is for Larry.

1321
01:23:01,666 --> 01:23:04,250
It's from me, Hank,
and it is just as I said.

1322
01:23:07,541 --> 01:23:08,583
I love you.

1323
01:23:12,375 --> 01:23:13,291
Yeah, thanks.

1324
01:23:14,583 --> 01:23:16,291
Seven points total.

1325
01:23:16,375 --> 01:23:20,083
Hank, you're ahead, baby!
You're way, way ahead of everybody.

1326
01:23:20,166 --> 01:23:22,416
Why, Hank? Why did you do that?

1327
01:23:23,833 --> 01:23:26,541
Because I do love him,
and I don't care who knows it.

1328
01:23:26,625 --> 01:23:28,916
- Don't say that.
- Why not? It's the truth.

1329
01:23:30,458 --> 01:23:32,333
I left my wife and family for Larry.

1330
01:23:32,416 --> 01:23:34,875
- I'm not interested in hearing about it.
- Sure you are.

1331
01:23:34,958 --> 01:23:36,666
Go ahead, Hankola. Tell him all about it.

1332
01:23:36,750 --> 01:23:39,791
- I don't want to hear it! It's disgusting.
- Some men do it for another woman.

1333
01:23:39,875 --> 01:23:42,458
Well, I can understand that.
That's normal.

1334
01:23:45,041 --> 01:23:47,000
It doesn't always work out that way, Alan.

1335
01:23:48,166 --> 01:23:50,833
No matter how you might want it to,
and God knows,

1336
01:23:50,916 --> 01:23:53,000
nobody ever wanted it more than I did.

1337
01:23:55,500 --> 01:23:58,000
I really and truly felt
I was in love with my wife

1338
01:23:58,083 --> 01:23:59,416
when I married her, but…

1339
01:24:01,458 --> 01:24:03,333
There was always that something else.

1340
01:24:03,875 --> 01:24:05,000
Always?

1341
01:24:09,250 --> 01:24:12,083
I don't know. I suppose so.

1342
01:24:12,916 --> 01:24:15,666
I've known what I was
since I was four years old.

1343
01:24:15,750 --> 01:24:18,291
Oh, everybody's always known it
about you, Emory.

1344
01:24:18,375 --> 01:24:20,833
I've always known it about myself, too.

1345
01:24:22,166 --> 01:24:24,666
I don't know
when I first admitted it to myself that…

1346
01:24:27,833 --> 01:24:30,666
I always labeled it something else
or denied it completely.

1347
01:24:30,750 --> 01:24:33,875
Oh. "Christ, was I drunk last night."

1348
01:24:33,958 --> 01:24:36,500
There came a time
where I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

1349
01:24:37,666 --> 01:24:41,291
I thought about it
but never did anything about it.

1350
01:24:44,708 --> 01:24:47,458
The first time
was during my wife's last pregnancy.

1351
01:24:50,375 --> 01:24:52,666
We lived near New Haven in the country.

1352
01:24:52,750 --> 01:24:54,750
There was
this teachers' meeting in New York.

1353
01:24:56,333 --> 01:24:59,875
My wife didn't feel up to the trip.
I came into town on my own and…

1354
01:25:01,625 --> 01:25:04,041
That day on the train,
I began to think about it.

1355
01:25:05,791 --> 01:25:07,041
And think about it.

1356
01:25:08,583 --> 01:25:09,916
And think about it.

1357
01:25:12,541 --> 01:25:14,375
<i>I thought of nothing else the whole trip.</i>

1358
01:25:17,208 --> 01:25:19,208
<i>And then 15 minutes after I had arrived,</i>

1359
01:25:19,291 --> 01:25:22,500
<i>I'd picked up a guy in the men's room
of Grand Central Station.</i>

1360
01:25:22,583 --> 01:25:23,916
Jesus.

1361
01:25:24,500 --> 01:25:26,458
I'd never done
anything like that before.

1362
01:25:28,625 --> 01:25:30,125
<i>I was scared to death.</i>

1363
01:26:02,458 --> 01:26:04,541
<i>He turned out to be a nice fellow.</i>

1364
01:26:07,375 --> 01:26:08,791
<i>I've never seen him again.</i>

1365
01:26:09,750 --> 01:26:10,958
<i>You know, it's funny.</i>

1366
01:26:13,208 --> 01:26:15,250
Can't even remember his name anymore.

1367
01:26:18,333 --> 01:26:20,041
Anyway, after that, it got easier.

1368
01:26:20,125 --> 01:26:22,208
Practice makes perfect.

1369
01:26:22,291 --> 01:26:24,416
Then, sometime later,

1370
01:26:25,791 --> 01:26:28,791
Larry and I met at a party
my wife and I went in town for.

1371
01:26:28,875 --> 01:26:31,541
And your real troubles began.

1372
01:26:31,625 --> 01:26:32,958
That was two years ago.

1373
01:26:35,416 --> 01:26:41,541
Why am I always
the goddamn villain in this piece?

1374
01:26:42,375 --> 01:26:44,666
If I'm not the happy home-wrecker,

1375
01:26:44,750 --> 01:26:47,583
I'm an impossible
son of a bitch to live with.

1376
01:26:47,666 --> 01:26:49,958
Guilt turns to hostility.

1377
01:26:50,666 --> 01:26:53,916
- Isn't that right, Michael?
- Go stick your tweezers in your cheek.

1378
01:26:54,000 --> 01:26:55,708
I'm fed up to the teeth

1379
01:26:55,791 --> 01:26:59,583
with everybody feeling so sorry
for poor, put-upon Hank.

1380
01:26:59,666 --> 01:27:02,166
Aw, Larry, everybody knows
you're Frieda Fickle.

1381
01:27:02,250 --> 01:27:04,541
Hey, I never made any promises.

1382
01:27:04,625 --> 01:27:05,708
I never intend to.

1383
01:27:05,791 --> 01:27:09,333
It's my right to lead my sex life
without answering to anybody,

1384
01:27:09,416 --> 01:27:10,583
Hank included.

1385
01:27:10,666 --> 01:27:15,250
And if those terms aren't acceptable,
then we can't go on living together.

1386
01:27:15,333 --> 01:27:18,000
Numerous relations
is a part of the way I am.

1387
01:27:18,083 --> 01:27:19,833
You don't have to be gay to be a wanton.

1388
01:27:19,916 --> 01:27:24,000
By the way I am,
I don't mean gay. And Emory…

1389
01:27:24,083 --> 01:27:25,958
You are the most
promiscuous person I know.

1390
01:27:26,041 --> 01:27:28,625
I am not promiscuous at all!

1391
01:27:28,708 --> 01:27:30,666
Not by choice, by design.

1392
01:27:30,750 --> 01:27:33,958
Why would anybody want to go to bed
with a flaming little sissy like you?

1393
01:27:34,041 --> 01:27:35,875
- Michael!
- Who'd make a pass at you?

1394
01:27:35,958 --> 01:27:37,583
I'll tell you who. Nobody.

1395
01:27:37,666 --> 01:27:39,958
Except maybe some fugitive
from the Braille Institute.

1396
01:27:40,041 --> 01:27:43,958
- Why do you let him talk to you that way?
- Physical beauty isn't everything.

1397
01:27:44,041 --> 01:27:46,000
Thank you, Quasimodo.

1398
01:27:46,083 --> 01:27:49,875
What do you think it's like
living with a goddamn Gestapo, huh?

1399
01:27:49,958 --> 01:27:52,375
Can't even take a breath
without getting the third degree.

1400
01:27:52,458 --> 01:27:55,708
- Larry, it's your turn to call.
- And I am so sick of this

1401
01:27:55,791 --> 01:27:59,083
let's-be-faithful-
and-never-look-at-another-person routine.

1402
01:27:59,166 --> 01:28:01,416
That doesn't work.
If you want to promise that, fine.

1403
01:28:01,500 --> 01:28:03,583
Then you promise it, and you stick to it.

1404
01:28:03,666 --> 01:28:05,458
But if you have to promise it,

1405
01:28:05,541 --> 01:28:08,666
as far as I'm concerned,
nothing finishes a relationship faster.

1406
01:28:08,750 --> 01:28:11,208
Give me Librium or give me meth.

1407
01:28:11,291 --> 01:28:12,875
Yeah, freedom, baby! Freedom!

1408
01:28:12,958 --> 01:28:17,125
You got to have it.
It doesn't work any other way.

1409
01:28:17,208 --> 01:28:23,333
And-And the ones who swear their
undying fidelity to each other are lying.

1410
01:28:24,291 --> 01:28:26,500
Most of them, anyway. 90% of them.

1411
01:28:26,583 --> 01:28:29,916
They cheat on each other constantly
and then lie through their teeth.

1412
01:28:30,416 --> 01:28:33,541
I'm sorry I can't be like that.
It drives Hank up the wall.

1413
01:28:33,625 --> 01:28:35,041
There is that 10%.

1414
01:28:35,125 --> 01:28:39,791
The only way it stands a chance
is with some kind of understanding.

1415
01:28:39,875 --> 01:28:41,166
I've tried to go along with that.

1416
01:28:41,833 --> 01:28:43,375
- Come on!
- I agreed to an agreement.

1417
01:28:43,458 --> 01:28:45,291
- Your agreement!
- What agreement?

1418
01:28:45,375 --> 01:28:47,625
A ménage.

1419
01:28:48,375 --> 01:28:51,583
A lot of people think that's the answer,
but that's not my style.

1420
01:28:51,666 --> 01:28:53,041
I certainly didn't want it!

1421
01:28:53,125 --> 01:28:55,000
- Then who suggested it?
- It was a compromise!

1422
01:28:55,083 --> 01:28:56,125
- Exactly!
- You agreed!

1423
01:28:56,208 --> 01:28:57,791
I didn't agree to anything.

1424
01:28:57,875 --> 01:29:01,208
You agreed to your own proposal
and then informed me that I agreed!

1425
01:29:01,291 --> 01:29:02,833
I don't understand. What's a...

1426
01:29:02,916 --> 01:29:04,583
I will kick you!

1427
01:29:04,666 --> 01:29:08,791
The ménage, baby.
Two's company, three's a ménage.

1428
01:29:10,875 --> 01:29:12,083
Oh.

1429
01:29:12,166 --> 01:29:13,458
It works for some.

1430
01:29:13,541 --> 01:29:15,958
Well, I'm not one for group therapy.

1431
01:29:16,041 --> 01:29:18,583
I can't relate to anyone
or anything like that.

1432
01:29:19,458 --> 01:29:20,458
I'm old-fashioned.

1433
01:29:20,541 --> 01:29:23,583
I like 'em all,
but I like 'em one at a time.

1434
01:29:24,375 --> 01:29:27,958
Did you like Donald
as a single side attraction?

1435
01:29:53,875 --> 01:29:54,958
Yes.

1436
01:29:58,291 --> 01:30:00,416
- Did you tell him?
- No.

1437
01:30:00,500 --> 01:30:03,000
It was perfectly obvious
from the moment you walked in.

1438
01:30:03,083 --> 01:30:04,416
What was that song and dance

1439
01:30:04,500 --> 01:30:06,958
about having seen each other
but never having met?

1440
01:30:07,583 --> 01:30:09,250
Don't look at me like that, Hank.

1441
01:30:11,583 --> 01:30:14,708
You've been playing footsie
with that penguin all night.

1442
01:30:14,791 --> 01:30:17,000
Oh! I suppose you want the three of us
to have a go at it.

1443
01:30:17,083 --> 01:30:19,833
- At least that would be together.
- Well, that point eludes me.

1444
01:30:19,916 --> 01:30:22,250
What kind of an understanding do you want?

1445
01:30:22,333 --> 01:30:23,500
Respect!

1446
01:30:23,583 --> 01:30:27,666
Respect for each other's freedom
without any need to lie or pretend.

1447
01:30:27,750 --> 01:30:30,125
Hank, in my way, I love you,

1448
01:30:30,208 --> 01:30:33,208
but you have to understand
although I want to live with you,

1449
01:30:33,291 --> 01:30:34,833
sometimes there might be others.

1450
01:30:34,916 --> 01:30:37,333
If that happens,
I know I'll never mention it.

1451
01:30:37,416 --> 01:30:40,666
But if you ask me, I will tell you.

1452
01:30:40,750 --> 01:30:42,041
He gets points!

1453
01:30:42,666 --> 01:30:43,500
What?

1454
01:30:44,750 --> 01:30:47,458
He said it. He said "I love you" to Hank.
He gets the bonus.

1455
01:30:47,541 --> 01:30:49,458
- He didn't call him.
- He called him.

1456
01:30:49,541 --> 01:30:50,916
He just didn't use the telephone.

1457
01:30:51,000 --> 01:30:54,291
- Then he doesn't get any points.
- He gets five points.

1458
01:30:54,375 --> 01:30:57,583
He didn't use the telephone.
He doesn't get a goddamn thing!

1459
01:31:16,833 --> 01:31:18,541
It's for you, Hank!

1460
01:31:31,208 --> 01:31:32,041
Hello?

1461
01:31:32,625 --> 01:31:33,500
One point.

1462
01:31:36,791 --> 01:31:38,208
Hello, Hank.

1463
01:31:39,125 --> 01:31:40,208
Two points.

1464
01:31:42,333 --> 01:31:43,625
This is Larry.

1465
01:31:44,750 --> 01:31:46,333
Two more points.

1466
01:31:48,458 --> 01:31:50,791
For what it's worth, I love you.

1467
01:31:53,333 --> 01:31:54,583
Five-point bonus.

1468
01:31:57,041 --> 01:31:57,875
I'll…

1469
01:31:59,666 --> 01:32:00,750
I'll try.

1470
01:32:10,375 --> 01:32:11,500
I will, too.

1471
01:32:16,875 --> 01:32:20,041
- That's ten points total.
- Larry is the winner.

1472
01:32:22,916 --> 01:32:26,083
Well, that wasn't as much fun
as I thought it would be.

1473
01:32:26,166 --> 01:32:27,875
Game isn't over yet.

1474
01:32:28,666 --> 01:32:32,291
It's your turn, Alan.
Pick up the phone, buster.

1475
01:32:32,375 --> 01:32:33,750
- Michael, don't.
- Stay out of this!

1476
01:32:33,833 --> 01:32:35,583
You don't have to, Alan. You don't.

1477
01:32:35,666 --> 01:32:40,000
Emory, I'm sorry for what I did before.

1478
01:32:41,958 --> 01:32:42,958
Forget it.

1479
01:32:43,541 --> 01:32:45,625
Forgive us our trespasses.

1480
01:32:45,708 --> 01:32:46,791
Christ.

1481
01:32:46,875 --> 01:32:48,916
You guys joined at the goddamn hip now?

1482
01:32:49,708 --> 01:32:52,541
Who are you going to call, Alan? Hmm?

1483
01:32:56,708 --> 01:32:58,166
Can't remember anyone?

1484
01:32:59,916 --> 01:33:03,250
I believe this will be the final round.

1485
01:33:03,833 --> 01:33:06,125
Michael, aren't you gonna call anyone?

1486
01:33:06,958 --> 01:33:10,583
How could he? He's never loved anyone.

1487
01:33:22,791 --> 01:33:25,666
My God, Michael, you're a charming host.

1488
01:33:25,750 --> 01:33:28,250
Michael doesn't have charm, Donald.

1489
01:33:29,166 --> 01:33:32,208
Michael has counter-charm.

1490
01:33:34,333 --> 01:33:37,291
- Wait, are you going somewhere?
- Yes, excuse me.

1491
01:33:37,375 --> 01:33:39,458
You're going to miss the end of the game.

1492
01:33:40,041 --> 01:33:42,541
With any luck,
I won't be down until it's all over.

1493
01:34:09,291 --> 01:34:12,583
What do you suppose
is going on up there, hmm, Alan?

1494
01:34:14,000 --> 01:34:18,208
What do you imagine that Larry and Hank
are doing up there, hmm?

1495
01:34:18,291 --> 01:34:20,833
Whatever they're doing,
they aren't hurting anyone.

1496
01:34:20,916 --> 01:34:22,875
And they're minding their own business.

1497
01:34:22,958 --> 01:34:25,125
Yeah, and you mind yours, Harold.
I'm warning you.

1498
01:34:27,041 --> 01:34:28,166
Are you, now?

1499
01:34:29,666 --> 01:34:31,041
Are you warning me?

1500
01:34:32,958 --> 01:34:33,791
Me?

1501
01:34:40,625 --> 01:34:41,875
I'm Harold.

1502
01:34:43,833 --> 01:34:46,166
I'm the one person
you don't warn, Michael,

1503
01:34:46,250 --> 01:34:48,125
because you and I are a match.

1504
01:34:49,541 --> 01:34:52,708
And we tread very softly with each other

1505
01:34:52,791 --> 01:34:55,583
because we both play
each other's game too well.

1506
01:34:57,208 --> 01:35:00,083
I know this game you're playing.

1507
01:35:01,666 --> 01:35:04,500
I know it very well,
and I play it very well.

1508
01:35:04,583 --> 01:35:06,875
You play it very well, too,
but you know what?

1509
01:35:08,416 --> 01:35:12,583
I'm the only one
who's better at it than you are.

1510
01:35:12,666 --> 01:35:15,500
I can beat you at it, so don't push me.

1511
01:35:18,125 --> 01:35:21,750
I'm warning <i>you.</i>

1512
01:35:34,208 --> 01:35:35,416
You're funny, Hallie.

1513
01:35:36,125 --> 01:35:38,416
You're a laugh riot. Isn't he funny, Alan?

1514
01:35:38,500 --> 01:35:41,375
Or as you might say, "Isn't he amusing?"

1515
01:35:41,458 --> 01:35:43,500
He's an amusing faggot, isn't he?

1516
01:35:44,375 --> 01:35:46,375
Or, as you might say, freak.

1517
01:35:47,000 --> 01:35:50,875
That's what you called Emory, wasn't it?
A freak, a pansy.

1518
01:35:51,458 --> 01:35:54,708
God, what an antiquated vocabulary
you have.

1519
01:35:54,791 --> 01:35:58,166
I'm surprised you didn't say
"sodomite" or "pederast."

1520
01:35:58,250 --> 01:36:00,333
You better let me bring you up to date.

1521
01:36:00,416 --> 01:36:03,458
Have you ever heard
the term "closet-queen"?

1522
01:36:03,541 --> 01:36:04,791
You know what that means?

1523
01:36:05,333 --> 01:36:08,666
Do you know what it means
to be "in the closet"?

1524
01:36:08,750 --> 01:36:11,041
If you're insinuating
that I'm a homosexual,

1525
01:36:11,125 --> 01:36:13,041
I can only say that you're mistaken.

1526
01:36:14,250 --> 01:36:15,208
Am I?

1527
01:36:19,208 --> 01:36:21,208
What about Justin Stuart?

1528
01:36:21,791 --> 01:36:22,916
What about Justin Stuart?

1529
01:36:23,000 --> 01:36:25,916
You were in love with him,
that's what about him.

1530
01:36:26,000 --> 01:36:28,000
And that is who you are going to call.

1531
01:36:28,083 --> 01:36:30,875
Justin and I were very good friends.
That's all.

1532
01:36:30,958 --> 01:36:34,416
According to Justin,
that friendship was quite passionate.

1533
01:36:34,500 --> 01:36:35,458
What do you mean?

1534
01:36:35,541 --> 01:36:37,875
I mean that you slept with him
in college several times.

1535
01:36:37,958 --> 01:36:39,875
- That's not true.
- Several times.

1536
01:36:39,958 --> 01:36:42,833
One time, it's youth.
Twice is a phase, maybe.

1537
01:36:42,916 --> 01:36:45,208
Several times, you like it.

1538
01:36:45,291 --> 01:36:47,500
- It's not true.
- Yes, it is!

1539
01:36:47,583 --> 01:36:50,250
Because Justin Stuart is a homosexual!

1540
01:36:51,541 --> 01:36:53,916
He comes to New York on occasion,
and he calls me.

1541
01:36:54,000 --> 01:36:55,375
I've taken him to parties.

1542
01:36:55,458 --> 01:36:59,250
Larry had him once,
and he has told me all about you.

1543
01:36:59,333 --> 01:37:00,750
Then he told you a lie.

1544
01:37:00,833 --> 01:37:03,625
You were obsessed with Justin.

1545
01:37:03,708 --> 01:37:07,208
That is all you talked about
morning, noon and night.

1546
01:37:07,291 --> 01:37:10,666
You started doing it
about Hank upstairs tonight.

1547
01:37:10,750 --> 01:37:13,416
"What an attractive fella he is."
All that transparent crap.

1548
01:37:13,500 --> 01:37:17,833
- I said he was attractive. That's all.
- How many times do you have to say it?

1549
01:37:17,916 --> 01:37:21,541
How many times
did you have to say it about Justin?

1550
01:37:21,625 --> 01:37:25,000
What a good tennis player he was,
what a good dancer he was,

1551
01:37:25,083 --> 01:37:28,125
what a good body he had,
how bright he was,

1552
01:37:28,208 --> 01:37:32,583
how amusing he was,
how-how the girls were all mad for him,

1553
01:37:32,666 --> 01:37:34,666
what close friends you were.

1554
01:37:34,750 --> 01:37:37,083
We were very close, very good friends.
That's all.

1555
01:37:37,166 --> 01:37:39,000
It was obvious.

1556
01:37:39,083 --> 01:37:42,458
And when you did it around Fran,
it was downright embarrassing.

1557
01:37:42,541 --> 01:37:45,291
- Even she must have her doubts about you.
- Justin lied.

1558
01:37:46,416 --> 01:37:48,083
If he told you that, he lied.

1559
01:37:48,166 --> 01:37:51,291
He'd say anything about me now
to get even.

1560
01:37:52,041 --> 01:37:54,625
He could never get over
the fact that I dropped him.

1561
01:37:54,708 --> 01:37:56,708
You ended the friendship, Alan,

1562
01:37:57,500 --> 01:38:00,333
because you couldn't face
the truth about yourself.

1563
01:38:00,416 --> 01:38:04,541
You could go on sleeping with Justin
as long as he lied to himself

1564
01:38:04,625 --> 01:38:06,291
and you lied to yourself.

1565
01:38:06,375 --> 01:38:10,541
And you both dated girls
and you labeled yourselves men

1566
01:38:10,625 --> 01:38:12,916
and you called yourselves
"just fond friends,"

1567
01:38:13,000 --> 01:38:16,916
but Justin finally had to be honest,
and you couldn't take it.

1568
01:38:17,000 --> 01:38:18,916
- You couldn't take it, and so…
- No.

1569
01:38:19,000 --> 01:38:21,666
…you destroyed the friendship
and your friend along with it.

1570
01:38:21,750 --> 01:38:22,708
- No.
- Oh, yes.

1571
01:38:22,791 --> 01:38:27,250
Justin never understood what he had
done wrong to make you drop him.

1572
01:38:27,333 --> 01:38:28,541
- He blamed himself.
- No.

1573
01:38:28,625 --> 01:38:31,875
He did,
until he eventually found out who he was.

1574
01:38:31,958 --> 01:38:33,041
- And what he was.
- No!

1575
01:38:33,125 --> 01:38:36,500
But to this day,
he still remembers the treatment.

1576
01:38:36,583 --> 01:38:38,291
- Scars he got from you.
- No.

1577
01:38:38,375 --> 01:38:41,083
You pick up this phone,
and you call Justin.

1578
01:38:41,166 --> 01:38:42,000
No.

1579
01:38:42,083 --> 01:38:44,250
I want you to call him and apologize.

1580
01:38:44,333 --> 01:38:47,416
You tell him what you should have
told him many years ago.

1581
01:38:47,500 --> 01:38:50,250
- He lied. Not a word of it is true!
- Call him!

1582
01:38:53,041 --> 01:38:54,666
All right, then I'll dial.

1583
01:38:56,541 --> 01:38:58,375
You're so helpful.

1584
01:38:59,708 --> 01:39:00,750
Give it to me.

1585
01:39:34,625 --> 01:39:35,458
Hello?

1586
01:39:36,041 --> 01:39:37,083
One point.

1587
01:39:39,041 --> 01:39:40,250
It's Alan.

1588
01:39:40,333 --> 01:39:41,291
Two points.

1589
01:39:43,708 --> 01:39:46,041
- Yes. Yes, it's me.
- Is that Justin?

1590
01:39:47,000 --> 01:39:49,291
You sound surprised.

1591
01:39:49,375 --> 01:39:51,625
I should hope to think so,
after all this time.

1592
01:39:51,708 --> 01:39:52,541
Two more points.

1593
01:39:54,083 --> 01:39:55,166
I'm in New York.

1594
01:39:57,416 --> 01:39:58,541
Yes, I…

1595
01:40:01,333 --> 01:40:03,333
I won't explain now, I just…

1596
01:40:05,583 --> 01:40:06,791
Called to tell you…

1597
01:40:09,625 --> 01:40:13,125
That I love you. God damn it, I love you.

1598
01:40:16,875 --> 01:40:18,041
I love you.

1599
01:40:18,125 --> 01:40:22,333
You get the goddamn bonus.
Ten points total. Jackpot!

1600
01:40:22,416 --> 01:40:25,958
- I love you, and I beg you to forgive me.
- Give me that. Give me that!

1601
01:40:26,041 --> 01:40:28,958
Justin, did you hear
what that son of a bitch said?

1602
01:40:33,958 --> 01:40:34,833
Fran.

1603
01:40:36,708 --> 01:40:40,625
No, of course I knew it was you.

1604
01:40:41,125 --> 01:40:42,333
How are you?

1605
01:40:44,416 --> 01:40:45,250
Yes.

1606
01:40:46,125 --> 01:40:47,750
Yes, he told me everything.

1607
01:40:49,208 --> 01:40:51,250
No, now, don't thank me.

1608
01:40:51,333 --> 01:40:53,375
Please. Please, don't thank me.

1609
01:40:57,125 --> 01:40:59,416
I'll put him back on.

1610
01:41:03,625 --> 01:41:04,916
My love to the kids.

1611
01:41:15,958 --> 01:41:18,791
Darling, I'll take
the first plane I can get.

1612
01:41:20,166 --> 01:41:21,666
Yes, I'm sorry, too.

1613
01:41:23,708 --> 01:41:24,958
I love you very much.

1614
01:41:54,333 --> 01:41:55,625
Thank you, Michael.

1615
01:42:09,833 --> 01:42:10,791
Who won?

1616
01:42:11,958 --> 01:42:13,625
It was a tie.

1617
01:42:21,416 --> 01:42:24,833
Now, it is my turn.

1618
01:42:27,958 --> 01:42:30,291
And ready or not, Michael, here goes.

1619
01:42:34,041 --> 01:42:39,541
You are a sad… and pathetic man.

1620
01:42:43,083 --> 01:42:46,208
You're a homosexual,
and you don't want to be.

1621
01:42:48,541 --> 01:42:51,250
But there is
nothing you can do to change it.

1622
01:42:53,583 --> 01:42:56,958
Not all your prayers to your God,

1623
01:42:58,708 --> 01:43:04,208
not all the analysis you can buy
in all the years you have yet to live.

1624
01:43:06,375 --> 01:43:11,583
We may very well one day be able to know
what it is to live a heterosexual life

1625
01:43:12,958 --> 01:43:15,000
if you want it desperately enough,

1626
01:43:17,208 --> 01:43:21,666
if you pursue it with the fervor
with which you annihilate.

1627
01:43:28,083 --> 01:43:31,875
But you will always be homosexual as well.

1628
01:43:35,791 --> 01:43:37,333
Always, Michael.

1629
01:43:40,666 --> 01:43:41,625
Always.

1630
01:43:44,541 --> 01:43:46,708
Until the day you die.

1631
01:43:53,958 --> 01:43:55,916
Oh, friends…

1632
01:43:57,500 --> 01:44:01,333
Thank you for a nifty party
and a super gift.

1633
01:44:01,416 --> 01:44:04,000
It's just what I needed.

1634
01:44:11,541 --> 01:44:13,625
Bernard, thank you.

1635
01:44:17,375 --> 01:44:18,791
And you'll get him home?

1636
01:44:18,875 --> 01:44:22,333
Don't worry about her.
I'll take care of everything.

1637
01:44:25,708 --> 01:44:27,125
Good to see you, Donald.

1638
01:44:27,625 --> 01:44:28,708
Good night, Harold.

1639
01:44:29,958 --> 01:44:32,583
- See you again sometime.
- Yeah.

1640
01:44:35,291 --> 01:44:37,500
How about a year from Shavuot?

1641
01:44:39,333 --> 01:44:42,041
Come on, Tex. Let's go to my place.

1642
01:44:45,875 --> 01:44:47,541
Are you good in bed?

1643
01:44:49,458 --> 01:44:53,083
Well… I try to show a little affection.

1644
01:44:55,458 --> 01:44:57,750
Keeps me from feeling like such a whore.

1645
01:45:03,333 --> 01:45:06,208
Uh, Michael, thanks for the laughs.

1646
01:45:13,833 --> 01:45:14,958
Call you tomorrow.

1647
01:45:21,583 --> 01:45:23,583
Come on, Bernard. Time to go home.

1648
01:45:24,125 --> 01:45:26,083
Mary, you're a heavy mother.

1649
01:45:27,375 --> 01:45:29,625
Why'd I call?

1650
01:45:31,708 --> 01:45:33,750
- Why?
- Hey, thank you, Michael.

1651
01:45:33,833 --> 01:45:35,833
- Good night, Donald.
- Good night, Emory.

1652
01:45:42,375 --> 01:45:44,250
I'm gonna
take you for some coffee,

1653
01:45:44,333 --> 01:45:46,166
and everything's gonna be all right.

1654
01:45:46,250 --> 01:45:48,625
Careful.

1655
01:46:12,791 --> 01:46:13,625
Donald?

1656
01:46:14,416 --> 01:46:16,958
- Donald, Donald. Donald?
- Michael?

1657
01:46:17,041 --> 01:46:19,625
- Oh, my God, what have I done?
- Christ, Michael.

1658
01:46:19,708 --> 01:46:21,458
- Oh, God.
- Michael, I'm not...

1659
01:46:21,541 --> 01:46:24,125
Oh, no. Oh, no.

1660
01:46:24,208 --> 01:46:26,583
- Hey, hey.
- God, Donald. Oh, my God, no!

1661
01:46:26,666 --> 01:46:29,458
- I'll get you some water. Here.
- God, what have I done?

1662
01:46:29,541 --> 01:46:31,250
- Hey, stop it. Stop it.
- Jesus, God.

1663
01:46:31,333 --> 01:46:32,750
I'm gonna give you a Valium.

1664
01:46:32,833 --> 01:46:35,750
- No! Not pills and alcohol. I'm gonna die!
- I'm not…

1665
01:46:35,833 --> 01:46:37,750
Come on, take this. You're scaring me.

1666
01:46:37,833 --> 01:46:39,166
Stop that crying. Take this pill.

1667
01:46:44,291 --> 01:46:45,875
Come here.
Come here, Michael.

1668
01:46:45,958 --> 01:46:48,625
- Come here, Michael! Come here!
- Get off of me!

1669
01:46:48,708 --> 01:46:49,666
Jesus Christ.

1670
01:46:55,833 --> 01:46:58,708
Hey.

1671
01:46:59,916 --> 01:47:00,916
It's okay.

1672
01:47:02,375 --> 01:47:03,333
It's okay.

1673
01:47:08,500 --> 01:47:09,416
It's okay.

1674
01:47:13,375 --> 01:47:14,458
Hey, it's okay.

1675
01:47:17,083 --> 01:47:17,958
It's okay.

1676
01:47:26,166 --> 01:47:28,125
Who was it that always used to say,

1677
01:47:29,000 --> 01:47:33,583
"Show me a happy homosexual,
and I'll show you a gay corpse"?

1678
01:47:35,541 --> 01:47:36,500
I don't know.

1679
01:47:37,500 --> 01:47:39,458
Who was it who always used to say that?

1680
01:47:43,416 --> 01:47:46,291
If we could
just not hate ourselves so much.

1681
01:47:48,000 --> 01:47:50,916
That's it, you know?

1682
01:47:53,041 --> 01:47:54,208
If we could just…

1683
01:47:55,333 --> 01:47:59,083
Oh. If we could just learn
not to hate ourselves…

1684
01:48:00,291 --> 01:48:01,916
Quite so very much.

1685
01:48:03,958 --> 01:48:04,916
Yes, I know.

1686
01:48:08,083 --> 01:48:10,083
I know.

1687
01:48:24,416 --> 01:48:25,250
Okay.

1688
01:48:37,958 --> 01:48:40,291
By the way,
I think your analyst is a quack.

1689
01:48:42,333 --> 01:48:46,625
- Earlier, you said he was a prick.
- That's right. He's a prick quack.

1690
01:48:46,708 --> 01:48:49,041
- Or a quack prick. Whichever you prefer.
- Okay.

1691
01:48:54,000 --> 01:48:55,375
Harold was right.

1692
01:49:01,333 --> 01:49:02,750
You'll never change.

1693
01:49:28,958 --> 01:49:32,750
You suppose there's any possibility
of just flushing this place?

1694
01:49:38,041 --> 01:49:39,125
What time is it?

1695
01:49:39,916 --> 01:49:41,000
It's early.

1696
01:49:44,916 --> 01:49:46,000
Where are you going?

1697
01:49:48,708 --> 01:49:50,625
The bedroom's <i>ocupado,</i>

1698
01:49:51,583 --> 01:49:53,708
and I don't want
to go to sleep yet anyway.

1699
01:49:54,958 --> 01:49:56,875
I'm gonna try and walk off this booze.

1700
01:49:57,375 --> 01:49:58,791
If I went to sleep right now,

1701
01:49:58,875 --> 01:50:01,875
when I woke up,
they'd have to put me in a padded cell.

1702
01:50:02,750 --> 01:50:04,625
Not that that's where I don't belong.

1703
01:50:10,458 --> 01:50:12,708
There's a midnight mass
over at St. Malachy's

1704
01:50:12,791 --> 01:50:14,583
that all the show people go to. I th...

1705
01:50:15,250 --> 01:50:17,125
I think I'll walk over and catch it.

1706
01:50:20,333 --> 01:50:21,916
Well, pray for me.

1707
01:50:25,375 --> 01:50:27,291
Maybe they'll be gone when I get back.

1708
01:50:31,791 --> 01:50:33,791
Will I see you again next Saturday?

1709
01:50:36,583 --> 01:50:38,125
Unless you have other plans.

1710
01:50:41,916 --> 01:50:42,875
No.

1711
01:50:44,625 --> 01:50:46,250
- Michael.
- What?

1712
01:50:47,916 --> 01:50:50,333
Did he ever tell you
why he was crying on the phone?

1713
01:50:50,416 --> 01:50:51,333
No.

1714
01:50:52,541 --> 01:50:54,458
It must have been that he'd left Fran.

1715
01:50:56,500 --> 01:50:59,500
Or maybe it was something else,
and he changed his mind.

1716
01:50:59,583 --> 01:51:00,708
Maybe so.

1717
01:51:03,333 --> 01:51:04,750
I wonder why he left her.

1718
01:51:07,916 --> 01:51:10,833
As my father said to me
when he died in my arms,

1719
01:51:12,916 --> 01:51:14,708
"I don't understand any of it."

1720
01:51:15,708 --> 01:51:16,958
"I never did."

1721
01:51:18,500 --> 01:51:20,625
Turn out the lights
when you leave, will you?

1722
01:52:31,291 --> 01:52:33,208
What? Oh.