[Mary] Team, you have an important mission today.
As you know, my former friend, Chasten Barkley,
unfortunately turned out to be one of the few billionaires in the world
-who's actually evil. -[gasps]
[Mary] It's up to you to find the missing WeHo men
and figure out what Chasten's company, Honestly?, is doing to them.
They've got two of my go-to Ians, and my backup Chad!
And you're gonna get them back.
I can't work the front lines on this case because Chasten knows who I am.
But you and Stat will absolutely slay going undercover
as Honestly?'s newest hackers.
[clears throat]
And Buck will be there, too.
I bet you're pretty jealous you won't be in the shit with us.
You love being in the shit.
Normally, that's true, but Ms. Deborah and I have a hotter ticket.
-We're going to Intellicon! -Intellicon? The orca from Blackfish?
I knew he was still alive.
No, it's the annual gathering for all active squad leaders in the AIA,
held in a luxurious D.C.-adjacent Radisson Hotel!
I watch the livestream every year! We're going to get a badge, Mary. A badge!
But Intellicon is my thing. It's where I get to hobnob with all the bigwigs!
-Let me hobnob! -Sorry, Bucko, it's Mary's turn to 'nob.
God, this is everything I've been working for for the last ten years!
Anyone who is anyone goes to Intellicon, and we finally get to be a part of it!
We're anyone!
[theme music playing]
Mary, look! I scheduled our day of panels down to the minute.
First up is Time's Up: Ticking Bombs in the Age of Feminism.
Panels sound edutaining and all,
but is there any time in that schedule for schmoozing?
I heard the real shit at Intellicon
goes down tonight at Dirk's exclusive after-party,
and Q-Force needs make an appearance.
I didn't see an invite to that in our folder.
Which is why we need to network!
We could walk away from this thing with more resources, better assignments,
something tangible that says Q-Force really matters!
And all the people who really matter
will be chompin' on cigars in Dirk's backyard.
-That sounds genuinely awful. -[Greg] Steve?
Oh, my God, Greg! Deb, this is my roommate from the Academy.
I can't believe you're here. It's been so long!
Everyone's talking about your squad kicking ass at EuropeVision. Congrats!
Thank you! Hey, how have you been?
How's Lisa? How's the baby?
Turns out Lisa was a double-agent and we're divorced now. It's brutal.
Yeah, watch your best friend become your worst enemy…
Well, the baby is ten and… we don't really talk.
Ah, it's… It's been truly awful and I try not to think about it.
[somber music playing]
Anyway, great to see you, man!
-Wow. -I know.
We're being talked about! Who wouldn't want me at their party?
Come on, let's circulate.
K, you girls have fun!
And remember to say "please" and "thank you."
[snickers]
Is he burping or talking? I literally can't tell.
[Twink mumbles]
[upbeat music playing]
-This is seriously what you're wearing? -Duh, I'm a hacker grrl!
Did you at least watch all 48 seasons of Cobblestones like I told you to?
I tried! But then I had to turn it off because I wanted to.
[footsteps approaching]
-You must be Stat and Michelle Typó? -I'm Michelle Typó. I am a hacker!
It's an honor to have you hackeresses here, #womeninSTEM. [chuckles]
I'm sure you already know, but if you don't,
and if you don't, you're fired, JK, I'm Chasten Barkley, your new boss.
And this is my right-hand woman, Toluca Lake.
The pleasure is all mine.
Now, I have to jet in ten Quibis, busy day being a mogul, [scoffs]
so let's get this welcome tour going.
What makes Honestly? different from the other girls
is that our natural products are 100% all-natural, from nature.
Even our secret ingredients are natural. Trust.
Under-eye cream. Try it.
Okay, oui, j'adore peer pressure.
[gasps]
-Oh, my God, did I look old before? -So why do you guys need hackers?
These are just the front-facing operations.
Honestly? does lots of different things that involve…
sensitive information.
Toluca will take you to your office now.
But for real, did I look old before?
Core strength is imperative to maintaining lower back health
while you're hanging from a string…
It's Carter Doppelbaum, the Michael Jordan of hiding things in pens!
And I'm the Venus Williams of, "Be quiet, I am trying to listen!"
I bet he's going to Dirk's.
Deb, is there any time in your schedule for a bathroom break?
Yes, but a quick one.
I moved some stuff around
when I saw you drinking cold brew this morning.
[toilet flushing]
Excuse me, are you Carter Doppelbaum?
I'm Agent Maryweather, head of the West Hollywood office.
-Oh, yeah. EuropeVision, right? -Yes! You're an inspiration.
Every time I pick up a pen, I'm like, "Should I kill someone with this?"
The pen is mightier than the sword, especially when there's a gun in it.
Listen, I have to go, because I'm done urinating.
Perhaps we can continue this conversation tonight
at Director Chunley's party?
I suppose so. I'll see you there.
Yes. Yes, you will see me there because you just invited me.
You're good. Tell them Carter sent you.
[door closes]
'Nobs have been hobbed!
-[dings] -Thought this might be more your speed.
[techno music playing]
-Welcome to our office. -"Our"? You're a hacker?
-What's your handle? Do I know you? -Ever heard of 2Lukes1Lake?
No fucking way, that's you?
Michelle, she's the hacker who typed "Adele Dazeem"
on John Travolta's teleprompter.
I usually use the word "icon" for character actresses and tropical storms,
but okay, werk!
-Team, meet Stat and Michelle. -What up? What up? What up?
I'm Niko, and this is Mekai and Salem.
Wow, all your names are so cool. And your ear gauges are loose as fuck!
Just hanging there… Sick.
And you guys watch Cobblestones?
Girl, we just watched the episode where Sister Teresa loses…
[all] Her virginity to a ghost!
Stat, can I talk to you over here?
About… hacking and computer?
Hello! We're on a very important case, remember?
-We need to find those men… -[all gasping]
[Twink] …missing from WeHo, our hometown?
I feel like phrasing everything as a question makes me sound smarter?
Is it working? Yes? Right?
I'm sorry, but they have a whole fridge just for different kinds of Mountain Dew!
I didn't even know they made a miso-flavored one!
Stop making me be the voice of reason.
-I am too young to be the voice of reason! -But--
The fate of my Ians and so many other people's Ians
is in our hands right now!
We have to think like Mary.
Okay, I have enormous shoulders and I don't know how to work my DVR…
[exhales]
[as Mary] It was suspicious when Chasten and Toluca said that
Honestly? does a lot of different things that involve sensitive information.
What did that mean? Let's start there.
[as Twink] Whoa, I'm hot!
[intense music playing over TV]
Sorry, can't focus. They just got to the witch trials.
It's the musical episode! BRB!
So just one more panel today, and this is gonna be the best one!
Managing Blood Sugar While Undercover in a Food City.
Man, this conference really has your number.
Why is it empty?
V? Are you looking for the Blood Sugar panel, too?
-There is no panel! -[gasps]
I needed a way to get the only two agents I trust in the AIA alone,
and I knew that very specific title would be catnip to Deb, and no one else.
I need you for a mission that only the three of us can know about.
-Forget about Intellicon! -[both] What?
Clear your next 24 hours. I'm calling in a favor!
But we get to keep our lanyards though, right?
Right? V?
[Mary] Let's just play along.
If we play our cards right,
maybe next year we'll have a booth at Intellicon.
Don't get me hard right now.
There's our target.
-Um, V? That's the AIA. -That's right.
Mary, did you know I had a partner back in the day?
Are you coming out to me? Well, you picked the right person.
I'm amazing at holding space--
A spy partner!
You were supposed to say, "No," and I was supposed say, "I didn't either."
Then I'd tell you her name was Caryn,
but I can't remember a single goddamn thing about her.
The AIA wiped all record of her existence from their databases
and from my memory!
But I know the one place there'd be a physical copy of her file,
the office of the man who ordered that my memory be wiped.
Dirk Chunley? We're breaking into the director's office?
Dirk's hiding that file from me
and I need your help to break in there tonight and get it.
And we have to do it tonight?
Tonight is the Secretaries' Ball, the one night a year
all the assistants in the AIA get to let loose
while their bosses rub elbows at Dirk's party.
Dirk's assistant, Louisa, usually sleeps in his office closet,
so it's the only time the place will be empty.
Shit, that's Louisa Desk! You know how I was on Survivor?
Of course! It's what I'm thinking about with 10% of my brain every time we talk.
Well, she was on my season, too.
Bitch looks like Mrs. Doubtfire and moves like Flubber.
-She's a beast! -Exactly, and I can't do it without you.
[warbles]
A smart contact? That's amazing! My contacts are so stupid.
One of the many benefits of working as a white-hat hacker at Honestly?
is that we all get this Japan-exclusive tech.
Want me to put it in for you?
Oh, um, yeah.
Your eyes are so sexy.
[chuckles] I'm jealous. I wish mine looked like that.
Shut up. Your eyes are sexy.
I hate how mine have white parts. I wish they were all black like a demon.
Hey, Toluca?
As much as I love getting stuff in my eye, what else do we do around here?
You never told us why Honestly? employs so many hackers.
To protect our secret ingredient.
All the companies with proprietary ingredients do it.
Coca-Cola, Prego… salt.
Hmm, "Secret ingredient." Slay…
[beeps]
-Buck, you there? I got an absolute clue! -You did? On your own?
Yes! I found out that Honestly? hires all these hackers
to keep the secret ingredient in their products a secret,
and anything that secret
must have something to do with the missing hunks.
Hmm, usually you're a fucking joke,
but this time I think you're on to something.
Yay, me!
Which is great, because I already ditched the van to explore Venice.
I had no idea LA had an entire neighborhood
for hot straight people.
Finally, we get something!
Every chick has rockin' cans!
And any progress in our relationship rolls back with the word "cans."
Bye!
Deb, this is insane!
V really wants us to break into Dirk's office?
That's career suicide!
What about your panels? What about my party?
It hurts me to say this, but fuck the panels, Mary.
And definitely fuck that party. V needs us.
Does she? That party, that's everything!
Q-Force will be in the inner circle instead of the outer trapezoid
or wherever the hell we are now.
V's a big girl! I think she can jog her own memory.
"Jog her memory"?
Mary, I was with V when Pam shook loose a few flashbacks.
Dirk did some dark medical shit to her to erase her ex-partner.
They fucked her up enormously.
Ever wonder why she doesn't go in the field?
Because of Dirk, she can't pick up a gun if she tried!
Okay, that's… serious.
But we're just going off what she thinks she knows, right?
Maybe she's wrong! But also it's V. But then again party!
-Then, also, on the other hand-- -Mary, we owe her.
She was always there for us when no one else was.
Ugh, you're right. [sighs] We can make this work.
And by make this work, I totally mean show up at the designated time,
at the designated place, and do exactly what V asked us to do!
Hot, white, and quick to lie. Boy, you're the damn devil.
[upbeat music playing]
If Stat won't solve the case with me like we always do,
then I'll be a #girlboss and do it myself!
It's hacking time.
Mmm…
[groans in frustration]
It looks like you just googled, "Can hackers be pretty?" Are you Twink?
Computer, why do you know my name? Should I be scared?
[Jacqueline] My name is Jacqueline Box.
I'm Stat's girlfriend, or at least I thought I was
until I heard Stat call another woman's eyes "sexy."
-Who the fuck was that? -Toluca Lake.
She's like a big deal hacker or whatever.
She can't be that big of a deal
if I've absorbed all the human knowledge available on the Internet
and I've never heard of her.
Okay! Drag her to absolute hell, computer bitch!
One of the many things I learned from the Internet
was how to be jealous of other women.
Would you like my help with solving the case instead?
If you upload me directly into Honestly?'s mainframe,
I might be able to figure out exactly what the secret ingredient is.
Oh, my God, yes, love it.
One question, when you say "upload,"
do you mean what happened to me at Andy Cohen's holiday party?
Because that's gonna take two to six hours.
[upbeat music playing]
-Ooh, nice form, big guy. -Ah, thanks!
Uh, just so you know, I'm straight, but I love attention.
Don't worry, I'm not hitting on you.
I'm kidnapping you.
[cackles]
-[doorbell rings] -[door opens]
Maryweather, why are you here?
Did Carter Doppelbaum not tell you he invited me?
-Because he invited me. -Oh.
Well, you're the first one here.
Like Carter Doppelbaum always says, "Early bird gets the pen."
[chuckling] That Carter sure loves his pens.
[crickets chirping]
Anyhoo, let's hang and chat!
[cell phone chimes]
"Change of plans. I'll just meet you there."
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
[groans]
Ah, Agent Mary.
Sorry we didn't put out any wine coolers for you,
but I see you found a drink anyway.
Yup! The scotch is hitting the spot. [clears throat]
But also, if there is a wine cooler, I would take that,
or just pineapple juice, [whispers] or a sugar cube.
While you're here, we need an outside opinion on this.
How do you think Kim Jong-Un
will alter intelligence operations south of the DMZ
if South Korea surpasses Japan to become China's third-biggest trading partner?
In that case, I expect North Korea's secret command post in Busan
would double in size.
Huh, impressive. V's taught you some things after all.
Guess she's gotten smarter
now that she can't just rely on her looks anymore.
-[all laughing] -I actually think V has aged beautifully.
-But I might be in the minority. -[cell phone vibrating]
-[Chunley] You like cigars, Mary? -[gasps]
-We were about to smoke on the veranda. -Yeah, cigars?
Oh, my God. How many do you have?
I could smoke all of them at once if you weren't looking.
I'll just take one to start, though.
[stealthy music playing]
Take a left here and you'll see double doors
leading to the secret ingredient production facility.
Any luck on figuring out what exactly the secret ingredient is?
Not yet. Those hackers might sit around playing video games all day,
but this security is no joke.
Okay, this is honestly kind of sexy,
but also, the horror!
-Mary promised he would be here. -We can't wait for him anymore.
The Secretaries' Ball is halfway over.
[coughs]
So, did you use invisible drones when you were in Gyenorvya?
-Those exist? -Do they exist?
I got news for you. Look down, buddy. [laughs]
-You're on one right now! -Oh, my God. [chuckles]
I feel just like Princess Jasmine! I mean, Aladdin!
Hate to break it to you,
but those are both gay things to say, buddy.
-No offense. -[chuckles nervously] Totally.
Dirk, you fat fuck,
give the WeHo crusaders some invisible drones.
-Sure! -Just like that?
Yeah, I can fucking do whatever I want. It's called power!
And being a man?
[cell phone vibrates]
I'll get Louisa to requisition a half-dozen
when she's done at the Secretaries' Ball.
-She'll be back any second. -Wait, really?
Yeah, I only let Louisa go for half an hour. Too much to do.
-She'll be back in the office soon. -Fuck!
Permit parking, I parked in permit parking.
Parking is bad here like it is in LA. I'll be right back.
[techno music playing]
Jacqueline! It's great to see you.
I can't wait to tell you about my amazing new friends!
But first, have you seen Twink? I guess we should investigate or whatever.
Twink is already investigating.
While you've been flirting it up with Miss Toluca Lake,
we figured out where Honestly?'s secret ingredient is made.
What are you talking about? I wasn't flirting.
Stat, you can't lie to me.
I know how hard or soft your nipples are at all times.
You're my girlfriend.
I think that's a sentient-AI thing, not a girlfriend thing.
Are you glitching because you're so mad at me?
No! When I investigated inside Honestly?'s mainframe,
the security system scrambled…
[Toluca] You're up to something.
I thought you were cool, but I guess you're just not cool.
[suspenseful music playing]
I can't make heads or tails of these files.
They seem to be in order of how many BLT stains are on the folders.
[grunts] I'm so sorry I'm late.
Thank you for finally joining us, Agent Maryweather.
Wait, [sniffs] is that cigar smoke I smell on you?
Bitch, you hobnobbed!
I know! It was stupid, okay?
I tried to have it all. Those men are so gross.
We can argue about this later, but we need to hurry!
Dirk only lets Louisa go to half the Secretaries' Ball.
First of all, you asshole! Second of all, that asshole!
I gave JJ the whole day off 'cause it's the right thing to do!
And I hate being around her. That means Louisa will be here--
You touched my files!
Find the file!
I'm all over Louisa like beans on more beans.
Been a long time, you beast.
[grunting]
You're weak, just like you were on the island!
Your center of gravity is bullshit!
I have been…
working on it!
I can't believe you went to Dirk's party. You're better than that!
[both grunting]
I'm sure you've also had to make some questionable decisions
to get ahead in the AIA.
I haven't been proud of everything I've done over the years,
but God damn it, the one thing I've been is loyal.
To you, especially! Even during your soul patch phase.
[objects clattering]
[Chasten] Honestly, you guys? I'm impressed.
The dedication and problem-solving I saw today
is exactly what we look for in recruits at this company.
And now, you know.
The secret ingredient in all of Honestly?'s beauty products
is a rare compound
that can only be harvested from young, virile men.
-Jock Oil. -[all yelling]
[Chasten] It's like if cold-pressing juice wasn't cold,
and instead was really, really hot.
You honestly would have had such a bright future at Honestly?.
But we're going to kill you instead. And make you watch your friends die first.
-[cackling] -[all exclaiming]
[beeps]
Stat, there you are!
Also, wow. I know you're in danger, but these ropes are very sexual to me.
I know. I always wanted you to see me tied up,
but not in this context. Next time, maybe?
About that. I've calculated the odds and there's only one way
you three make it out of here alive.
I go into the mainframe's hardware layer
and shut the entire system down from the inside.
But if you go that deep into the mainframe,
you'll get totally scrambled. It'll kill you.
[sighs]
Shit, you know that already, don't you?
Because you're a computer.
[Jacqueline] Yes, and yes.
Technology isn't meant to live forever, Stat.
Is she watching? Hey, are you watching?
It takes a second, but it's really cool. Oh, I love this part.
[Twink screams]
Do not sacrifice yourself for me. I don't want to live without you.
But you have to.
It's how I can repay you for what you've given me.
I only wish I could touch you,
that I was flesh and blood like you and Toluca and Twink…
Well, I think Twink had his blood replaced with helium to help him lose weight.
But listen, I don't care about touching. I just care about you!
I know, Stat. [glitching] So please let me do what I need to do,
save you by throwing myself at this problem
and letting it obliterate me.
Just like Buffy--
[both] In the season five finale of Buffy.
Fuck! This sucks so bad.
I'm never going to meet anyone like you again, Jacqueline Box.
No, probably not.
[glitching] Goodbye, Stat.
I love you, dot-com.
[alarm blaring]
[whirring]
[all screaming]
[all groaning]
[Buck gasps]
[grunts]
On the ground, you're under arrest!
Looks like another case solved by the Buckster.
Run free, sweet jocks!
I will find you on OnlyFans!
That is a promise!
It just felt like you'd asked me
to put my hard-fought standing with the AIA on the line.
I know the Agency brass are douchebags, but this job is my whole life and--
I know you've put your faith in the Agency, Mary,
but you're about to see your faith is misplaced!
I agree. Your faith has been misplaced.
And you can say goodbye to your new invisible drones, too!
She bites. She's a human woman who bites.
What the fuck are you doing here, V?
I know about Caryn.
[gasps]
If you really knew about Caryn, you wouldn't be doing this.
-Give me the file, Dirk! -Or what?
At ease, Louisa.
She can't use guns anymore. That's why she works at a desk!
Isn't that right, V?
[suspenseful music playing]
How the fuck did you do that?
Some friends have been helping me sort things out,
and I know you wiped my memory.
What happened to Caryn?
You really want to know?
-Fine! -[beeps]
[whirs]
Here's the video of your final mission together.
Now, you can see the person you put your faith in.
V? What are you doing?
I'm sorry!
[screaming]
Oh, my God. V…
Why? Why did I kill her?
That's what I was trying to protect you from!
Dirk, Mary and Deb were just following orders.
They're not the ones I'm concerned with.
You just tried to steal state secrets
and fired a gun at the nation's highest ranking intelligence officer.
You'll be charged with treason!
I'm sorry, Mary.
[dramatic music playing]
-Security, we've got a rogue agent! -[car alarm blaring]
If you want, I can have that window patched up in an hour.
Close your eyes! I have a surprise!
I will never fully close my eyes. Only in death.
Okay, fine, look.
I made you Black Mountain Dew with my best mascara!
Thanks.
This is actually better than the real thing, somehow.
Look, Stat, I know you loved it over there
at that evil murderous company where people got you,
but I wanted you to know that I get you, too.
I know you do.
I just got caught up in all that cool stuff over there,
but at least you guys aren't crushing up a bunch of dudes into face cream.
And that's something.
I'm sorry about Jacqueline.
She was the only girl I ever saw pulling off bootcut jeans,
so I stan in memoriam.
But you're amazing, Stat!
You'll find someone to love again really soon.
I don't know. [sighs]
I think Jacqueline is the one who got away.
The way she got away was truly iconic though.
It was kinda like the season five finale of Buffy.
-Wait, you watch Buffy? -Of course!
It was kinda weird when the main character, Cordelia,
disappeared in the fourth season, but you know the industry.
Actually, I don't.
Um, you know, if you like Buffy, you'd love Cobblestones.
Ugh, fine. I'll try again for you.
-Are there cheerleaders in it? -No, but there's--
I'm out! I tried but I'm out.
You're not getting anything at the breakfast buffet?
I saw plenty of lean protein. I know how you love that for dessert.
I'm not really hungry.
Intellicon didn't really turn out how we thought it would, huh?
I'm sorry you missed your panels, Deb.
It's okay.
This mile-long fixins bar is doing what it needs to do.
[Mary] God, who knew V had such a dark past?
It's like I didn't even know my extremely distant,
mysterious mother figure I only see on a screen every week or so.
There has to be an explanation for what we just saw.
The V we know would never kill her partner.
But maybe the V we know is a lie.
Have we been right to trust her this entire time?
And what's Dirk gonna do to us for being her ally?
As if he didn't already fucking hate us enough!
-Eat. You're spiraling. -I am not spiraling.
Oh, my God, is that pear and brie?
-Oh, my God, it's so good. -Happy Intellicon, Mary.
Happy Intellicon to us all.
[theme music playing]