1 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,443 Barbara? 2 00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:32,241 Barbara? 3 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:35,786 Barbara? 4 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,079 RIMA: So, you're... 5 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,456 holding each other's breasts... 6 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,667 - Boobs, yeah. - And then you leaned in 7 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,794 and stared into each other's eyes 8 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,671 and it just... happened. - Yeah. 9 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:47,589 Basically, but then this morning... - Wait. 10 00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:49,675 Was that it? 11 00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:51,969 Just... just kissing? 12 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,262 - No, I mean, we did everything. 13 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:54,972 - And when you say everything... 14 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,807 - We went down on each other, we fingered each other. 15 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,225 I mean, she can't finger me, 16 00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,893 but I moved my vagina around on her... 17 00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,728 hand, kind of. The issue is 18 00:01:01,812 --> 00:01:03,730 that this morning, I wake up and she's not talking to me. 19 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,691 She's gone. She's not there anymore. 20 00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,109 We're supposed to finish this script. 21 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:12,239 - Oh. I want you to go back and examine what you just said. 22 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:16,785 You did everything. 23 00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:18,078 - Jesus, Rima, we fucked. 24 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,454 I mean, what do you want me to say? 25 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,455 We made love, whatever. 26 00:01:20,539 --> 00:01:22,583 - Made love? 27 00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:24,459 [exhales]: Ah... 28 00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,669 There we go. 29 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,797 You made love... 30 00:01:28,881 --> 00:01:31,133 to yourself. 31 00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:34,094 The two parts became one. 32 00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:40,100 And now, you don't need Barbara to help you finish that script. 33 00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:44,521 Because you are fully self-actualized. 34 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,690 - [laughs softly] 35 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,609 [typing] 36 00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:51,069 [rapid knocking] 37 00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:55,782 [knocking continues] 38 00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,539 So then she starts threatening me. 39 00:02:02,623 --> 00:02:04,041 She's gonna, like, call the landlord. 40 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,459 And the landlord fucking hates me, 41 00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,002 so I'm trying to play it cool like, "Oh, we don't need to 42 00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:08,086 involve the landlord," 'cause, you know, 43 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:09,630 I'm on rent control, so he would just love 44 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,340 a reason to get rid of me. - Whoa, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. 45 00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,550 Calm down. Wait. This is all because you asked her son 46 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,385 to move a bookcase, and he hit his head? 47 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,221 How the fuck is that your fault? - Exactly! It isn't. 48 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,805 That's what I'm saying. And this little... 49 00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:20,349 brat, like, tattled on me, 50 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,518 and now I'm gonna have to, like, move to Koreatown 51 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,895 and, like, have this sad bachelor pad, and, like... 52 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,146 - Or... 53 00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,275 ...you can move in with me. 54 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:36,448 [intro to "Fade Into You" by Mazzy Star playing] 55 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,958 ♪ I want to hold the hand ♪ 56 00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:48,001 ♪ Inside you ♪ 57 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,758 ♪ I want to take the breath ♪ 58 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,885 ♪ That's true ♪ 59 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:03,183 ♪ I look to you ♪ 60 00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:06,186 ♪ And I see nothing ♪ 61 00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:09,731 - 'Sup, bitch? 62 00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:11,984 [song stops abruptly] 63 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,569 - Barbara? 64 00:03:13,652 --> 00:03:16,071 [chuckles softly] What the fuck? 65 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,573 Oh, my God. - Hi. 66 00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:19,867 - Barbara, yesterday you, like... 67 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,243 you went back to being inanimate. 68 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:22,536 - No, dawg, I was sleeping. 69 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:25,455 - No. Really, you were, like... - Completely zonked, 70 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,957 because someone made me scissor them 71 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,625 [laughs]: until 4:00 in the morning. 72 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,878 And also, friend to friend, 73 00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:32,337 you gotta laser your pussy, 74 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:35,048 'cause it is very prickly-pear down there. 75 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,050 My tongue is, like, completely cut up. 76 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,802 It was bleeding this morning. Look. 77 00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:41,930 What's wrong with you? 78 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,560 - Um, I'm moving in with Dan. 79 00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,855 - Oh. 80 00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:52,065 Okay. I mean... 81 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:56,445 I guess, like... I guess I'd be okay moving back to Dan's, 82 00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:59,531 and, you know, if it was just, like, a couple times a week, 83 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:03,202 I'd be down to fuck him. - No, Barbara, you're not... 84 00:04:03,285 --> 00:04:06,079 You can't come with me. 85 00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:07,789 - What? 86 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:10,918 Well, then... 87 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,961 where will I go? 88 00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:16,048 - I don't know, um, but I'm... I'll figure something out. 89 00:04:16,131 --> 00:04:18,050 - This is totally crazy. What do you mean 90 00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:20,052 you'll figure it out? I mean... 91 00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:21,803 what about our script? 92 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,096 - I don't know, I'm, like... 93 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,098 just gonna set it aside for a while. 94 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:26,975 - Gonna "set it aside"? 95 00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,769 - Yeah. You know, like, you just set it aside, 96 00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:30,604 like, put it in a drawer for a while, 97 00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:32,814 and then when you look at it with fresh eyes... 98 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:33,774 [groans] 99 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:34,983 - What? - Cody, 100 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:36,276 when Susan B. Anthony was marching 101 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,861 for a woman's right to bear arms, 102 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:39,696 do you think she, like, set it all aside 103 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,198 just to move in with her boyfriend? 104 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,325 - Okay, that's not... - And when Roe and Wade 105 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:44,993 fought each other lo those many years ago, 106 00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:46,954 do you think it was about a guy, Cody? 107 00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:48,956 No, it wasn't. It was not about a guy. 108 00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:51,667 It was about super-important, like, feminist-y type stuff 109 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,460 that I'm not gonna get into with you right now, 110 00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:55,254 because you're literally the worst feminist I've ever met. 111 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,216 And you're never gonna finish your script! 112 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,844 You're gonna keep setting it aside and setting it aside, 113 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:04,471 until one day you wake up and you realize 114 00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:07,683 that you have made nothing of yourself. 115 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:10,394 That all you are and all you'll ever be 116 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,396 is Dan Harmon's girlfriend, 117 00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:15,315 Dan Harmon's plus size, plus-one. 118 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:18,777 You're a passive protagonist in your own fuckin' life. 119 00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,779 - Fuck you! - It's true. 120 00:05:20,863 --> 00:05:24,116 And every time he calls, you drop everything to be with him. 121 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:26,577 It's so sad, and it's so pathetic. 122 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,995 But guess what, Cody? 123 00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:30,998 One day he is gonna get bored of you, 124 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,709 and as soon as you get one too many wrinkles 125 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:37,838 on that tiny little forehead, he's gonna get another plus-one, 126 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:40,132 a better one, a younger one, 127 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,383 and then... 128 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:44,011 you won't even be his plus-one. 129 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,180 You, Cody Heller... 130 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,390 [whispers]: will be nothing. 131 00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:51,018 [mid-tempo, pulsing music playing] 132 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,270 - I think that's everything. 133 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,480 - Didn't you listen to anything I just said?! 134 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,065 - Uh... oh. - This is bullshit! 135 00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:58,817 - And I'll give you my old phone. 136 00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:00,944 I got a new one, so you can keep this 137 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,988 and, I don't know, listen to music or whatever. 138 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:04,823 - Phone. 139 00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:08,076 Play a song for when your best friend stabs you in the back. 140 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,870 [intro to "Everybody Hurts" playing] 141 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,164 - Um, all right. 142 00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,249 I guess I'll see you... around. 143 00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:16,001 Okay, bye. 144 00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:17,753 - You're making a huge mistake, Cody. 145 00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,922 If you'd just listen to me! Please! 146 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,174 ♪ 147 00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:24,092 Bye. 148 00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:27,262 ♪ When your day is long ♪ 149 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,225 ♪ And the night ♪ 150 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,601 DAN [calls]: Bean, you ready? 151 00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,353 - One second! 152 00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:37,856 - It's a panel about a superhero whose whole thing is clocks. 153 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,441 I cannot be late. 154 00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:41,568 - Okay, okay, okay! 155 00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,403 [ringtone plays] 156 00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:46,740 Hello? MAN: Hi, Cody. 157 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,951 I have your agent, Chet Jacobs, for you. 158 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:50,953 - Who? Seriously, the next time this happens, 159 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,205 can you guys just give me a female agent? 160 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,999 - Cody. Chet. How you doing? 161 00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:59,086 Listen, I don't know if you heard, but Phil... 162 00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,338 Let me guess-- Phil was #MeToo'd? 163 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,673 Uh, no. 164 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,342 His wife has Stage IV breast cancer. 165 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,760 - Oh. - Yes. 166 00:07:06,844 --> 00:07:09,346 Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I loved 167 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:10,764 that script of yours. 168 00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:12,307 It's hilarious. 169 00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:14,309 - What? - And I love 170 00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:15,894 that you created the fake e-mail account 171 00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:17,771 from the sex doll character to send it to me. 172 00:07:17,855 --> 00:07:20,732 BarbaraHimmelbaum@yahoo.com? So funny. 173 00:07:20,816 --> 00:07:24,736 - Y-Yeah. Um, I was trying to, uh, be like meta to... Yeah. 174 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,363 Yeah-yeah, I do have a few thoughts. 175 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:29,241 You're not so great at writing male characters, 176 00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:31,785 and I got to be honest, I don't think the Dan character 177 00:07:31,869 --> 00:07:34,329 would pass the... whatever the male version 178 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:36,456 [chuckles]: of the Bechdel test is. 179 00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,126 - Uh-huh? - Yeah. 180 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,837 So I've got some buyers interested in this already, 181 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,256 but they're gonna want to hear a full-season pitch. 182 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:47,301 - Okay, great. I-I-I can get that done. - Great. 183 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,636 And we'll get these meetings on the books, then. 184 00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:56,018 [phone ringing] 185 00:07:58,437 --> 00:07:59,938 - Whassup, slut! 186 00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:02,357 You comin' to get me? We have a show to write! 187 00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:04,610 What are you wearing? You look like you're in, 188 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,612 like, a high school musical production 189 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:07,654 of Phantom of the Opera. 190 00:08:07,738 --> 00:08:08,780 - [Cody scoffs] DAN: Hey, Cody, you coming? 191 00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:12,159 Ticktock! We got to go! 192 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:14,536 BARBARA: Excuse me, do you have somewhere to go? 193 00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:16,830 - [whispers]: One second, one second, one second. 194 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,166 Hey. 195 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,626 - Are you coming? 196 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,045 - Uh... 197 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:25,464 [pulsing musical beat plays] 198 00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:27,966 Just go ahead without me. 199 00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:36,266 My God. I'm sweating through this blazer like a motherfucker. 200 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:37,768 - I know. Jesus. 201 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,937 - Y-You can tell? - Uh, yeah, very much so. 202 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,064 I can smell it, too. Very Baja Fresh. 203 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,483 - Dude, I'm rea... I'm, like, really nervous. 204 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,401 - Relax. These fucks would be idiots not to buy this. 205 00:08:46,485 --> 00:08:48,070 It's gonna be, like, a really good show. 206 00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:50,280 - Yeah, you think? - A thousand percent. 207 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:51,448 - And, like, we have enough material 208 00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:52,824 for a full half hour, right? 209 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,785 - Are you kidding? It could honestly be an hour long. 210 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,537 It's just, there's too much funny stuff to commit 211 00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,455 to making it a drama. - Yeah, yeah, you're right. 212 00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,457 - Just remember the casting stuff, you know? 213 00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:03,627 I play myself, and for the role of Cody, we're going diverse. 214 00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,838 - What? No, I'm gonna play myself. 215 00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:07,172 - Cody, get serious. 216 00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:09,049 The last thing anyone wants right now 217 00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:10,926 is another show about two white girls. 218 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,177 - Okay, well, then we'll cast, 219 00:09:12,261 --> 00:09:13,303 like, a diverse doll or whatever. 220 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:14,596 - Fine. - Great. 221 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,682 - Fine. Fine, and then I'll play Cody. 222 00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,392 - How would that work? 223 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:19,810 - I don't know, I'll just, like, wear a fat suit or whatever. 224 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,645 Oh, come on, you don't actually expect me 225 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,105 to, like, gain weight. - Barbara, I mean, no, okay... 226 00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:25,065 That-That's not what I meant, and you know it. 227 00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:27,818 [both talking at once] 228 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,444 - That's how dedicated I am to my craft. 229 00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:32,447 I will gain the weight to play the role of Cody Heller. 230 00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:34,533 - No. Fuck no. Fuck you, Barbara. You're being 231 00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:36,577 such a little fuckin' asshole. I hope that you just... - Hi. 232 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,287 - Um... 233 00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,038 hi. 234 00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,456 Um, I'm Cody. 235 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,375 BARBARA [coughs]: Rude. 236 00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:44,918 - And this is Barbara. 237 00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:47,045 Thank you so much for hearing our pitch today. 238 00:09:47,129 --> 00:09:49,339 - Oh. You're Dan Harmon's girlfriend. 239 00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,091 - Yes. - He actually dated me first 240 00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:53,093 and was, like, way more in love with me. 241 00:09:53,177 --> 00:09:55,053 What? He was. 242 00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:57,598 Man, that guy is such a genius.