1
00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:10,541
[Mae] When I was a kid in Canada,
I got chased by a bear.

2
00:00:11,021 --> 00:00:15,501
I was walking through the forest,
and I walked right in front of a bear.

3
00:00:15,581 --> 00:00:18,461
And it ran at me, and it chased me.

4
00:00:18,541 --> 00:00:20,861
And I ran and I hid in this cabin,

5
00:00:20,941 --> 00:00:24,341
and I could hear it,
like pacing around outside,

6
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:27,381
and breathing like the… like The Revenant.

7
00:00:28,061 --> 00:00:30,341
And, uh, I was so scared.

8
00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:33,341
And the fucked-up thing is I'm…

9
00:00:33,941 --> 00:00:37,141
I'm not 100% sure if that really happened.

10
00:00:38,461 --> 00:00:39,301
Like…

11
00:00:39,821 --> 00:00:41,621
I remember it, I have that memory,

12
00:00:42,181 --> 00:00:46,141
but if you had a gun to my head
and you were like, "Did that happen?" I…

13
00:00:46,221 --> 00:00:47,861
[sighs] It's foggy.

14
00:00:48,461 --> 00:00:51,341
And that's how I feel about my teens.

15
00:00:52,101 --> 00:00:53,621
Just foggy and, like…

16
00:00:54,461 --> 00:00:56,901
there were these relationships where

17
00:00:56,981 --> 00:01:00,061
I thought it was one thing.
Like, I thought we were in love,

18
00:01:01,101 --> 00:01:03,981
but maybe
it was something completely different.

19
00:01:04,061 --> 00:01:05,941
And I'm just, for the first time,

20
00:01:06,021 --> 00:01:07,221
looking back and…

21
00:01:08,021 --> 00:01:11,141
properly thinking about it
and just thinking, "What the fuck?"

22
00:01:11,221 --> 00:01:12,301
You know what I mean?

23
00:01:14,501 --> 00:01:16,101
Babe, I think it needs a punchline.

24
00:01:16,181 --> 00:01:20,461
It's not a joke, Donna. I'm…
I'm going through something right now.

25
00:01:20,541 --> 00:01:23,661
Well, I've got something
that'll cheer you up. Big news.

26
00:01:23,741 --> 00:01:25,741
Didn't I say
I was going to do big things for you?

27
00:01:25,821 --> 00:01:27,421
-Yeah.
-Well, listen to this.

28
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:29,261
Arnie Rivers.

29
00:01:29,941 --> 00:01:32,461
-What about Arnie Rivers?
-Calls me up out of the blue.

30
00:01:32,541 --> 00:01:34,941
Says he wants you
and Jack Barry on his panel show.

31
00:01:35,541 --> 00:01:37,901
TV, Mae. Fucking TV!

32
00:01:37,981 --> 00:01:40,421
-[sighs]
-No. What is this?

33
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:44,581
I'm sorry, it's just Arnie Rivers.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.

34
00:01:44,661 --> 00:01:46,821
He tried to show me
his donklish in a toilet stall.

35
00:01:46,901 --> 00:01:48,221
It's people like that,

36
00:01:48,301 --> 00:01:51,541
part of the reason I end up
a cupboard full of Tupperware with PTSD.

37
00:01:51,621 --> 00:01:53,701
A doctor said I had PTSD. Sorry.

38
00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,461
[breathes deeply]

39
00:01:55,541 --> 00:01:59,781
Sorry? Mae. This is incredible.
You're telling me you've been abused?

40
00:01:59,861 --> 00:02:02,421
I mean, like a bit, but I'm not special.

41
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:05,461
Most people have and they're fine.
You probably have been.

42
00:02:05,541 --> 00:02:07,901
-Of course I have.
-So what're you gonna do about it?

43
00:02:07,981 --> 00:02:09,981
Exactly. What are you going to do?

44
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:12,221
Fuck.

45
00:02:12,981 --> 00:02:16,181
When I was your age,
there was no dialogue around this stuff.

46
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:19,021
All I could do was write
a list of names in my little black book.

47
00:02:19,101 --> 00:02:21,941
Names of men
who will burn in hell for their misdeeds.

48
00:02:22,021 --> 00:02:23,821
But things are different now.

49
00:02:23,901 --> 00:02:26,221
You have a platform and an opportunity.

50
00:02:26,301 --> 00:02:29,461
-An opportunity for what?
-You're gonna do Arnie's panel show.

51
00:02:30,101 --> 00:02:33,941
And live on television,
you're gonna air his dirty laundry.

52
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:37,261
-I don't know what that will achieve.
-Retribution, Mae.

53
00:02:37,901 --> 00:02:40,821
Justice. For all the women
he's done this to before.

54
00:02:40,901 --> 00:02:44,061
You'll be like John Wick,
in John Wick Chapter 3.

55
00:02:44,141 --> 00:02:45,701
[upbeat music playing]

56
00:02:46,621 --> 00:02:48,821
I've always wanted to be John Wick.

57
00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:50,581
[upbeat music playing]

58
00:02:53,381 --> 00:02:54,541
Okay, thanks guys.

59
00:02:55,821 --> 00:02:58,981
-I won't let you d--
-I have news. Who… Who are you talking to?

60
00:02:59,061 --> 00:03:01,021
-Who are you talking to?
-To you.

61
00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:03,021
Me too. Hello, Mae.

62
00:03:03,101 --> 00:03:04,141
Hello, Phil.

63
00:03:04,221 --> 00:03:07,621
Okay. George! George, I have news.
I got big news.

64
00:03:07,701 --> 00:03:08,981
-Yeah?
-[Mae] Check it out.

65
00:03:09,061 --> 00:03:11,341
I'm gonna be on Fun Junk.

66
00:03:11,421 --> 00:03:14,541
-On Arnie River's panel show. On TV!
-What?

67
00:03:14,621 --> 00:03:16,021
Aye, aye, aye.

68
00:03:16,101 --> 00:03:19,501
Yeah, no, I know he's a creep,
and he tried to creep me, but guess what?

69
00:03:19,581 --> 00:03:22,061
I'm gonna bring that up live on the show.

70
00:03:22,141 --> 00:03:24,861
How badass is that? It's like Kill Bill.

71
00:03:26,141 --> 00:03:29,981
I don't know what to say.
That's really brave, and also quite mad?

72
00:03:30,061 --> 00:03:32,061
This is good! Donna thinks it's good.

73
00:03:32,141 --> 00:03:34,341
This is like me finally taking action

74
00:03:34,421 --> 00:03:36,621
about all the things
I'm fucking furious about.

75
00:03:36,701 --> 00:03:38,861
-That's good I think.
-I'll come with you.

76
00:03:38,941 --> 00:03:40,741
Me too. Me too. We'll all go.

77
00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,621
No, I wanna do this on my own.

78
00:03:42,701 --> 00:03:45,741
This is me being a big boy,
handling things.

79
00:03:45,821 --> 00:03:48,421
I'm a grown up. I can do it.
I'm gonna be proactive.

80
00:03:48,501 --> 00:03:50,261
What about therapy first, buddy?

81
00:03:50,341 --> 00:03:51,861
This seems kind of chaotic.

82
00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,141
No, I gotta write some jokes.

83
00:03:53,221 --> 00:03:55,381
-I've never been on TV before.
-Okay.

84
00:03:55,461 --> 00:03:58,901
What should I wear?
Black T-shirt? White T-shirt?

85
00:03:59,501 --> 00:04:01,541
I gotta pack some clothes!

86
00:04:04,301 --> 00:04:06,021
-Hello?
-Hey, Dad. [grunts]

87
00:04:06,101 --> 00:04:08,821
-I mean, Malcolm.
-Hello, Phil. Any news?

88
00:04:08,901 --> 00:04:10,741
Yeah, I got news.

89
00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:12,701
Spooky news.

90
00:04:12,781 --> 00:04:14,101
Oh, God.

91
00:04:14,181 --> 00:04:16,901
[sobbing] No. No, I can't believe it.

92
00:04:17,461 --> 00:04:19,901
[George] Clocky… Clocky, please.
I'm not dying.

93
00:04:19,981 --> 00:04:23,261
I just don't have time
for this group anymore. I'm sorry.

94
00:04:23,341 --> 00:04:26,541
-Is this about our break-up?
-Elliott, you… you have been great.

95
00:04:26,621 --> 00:04:28,021
I just… I'm sorry.

96
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,301
-Clocky.
-[Clocky sobbing]

97
00:04:30,381 --> 00:04:31,421
Clocky, stop.

98
00:04:32,301 --> 00:04:33,141
[Becky] Sorry.

99
00:04:33,661 --> 00:04:37,061
Sorry if I'm missing something, um,
but, George, wasn't it your idea

100
00:04:37,141 --> 00:04:40,821
that we met on Wednesday evenings
to talk about a big end-of-term project?

101
00:04:40,901 --> 00:04:42,901
I'm confused because that was your idea.

102
00:04:42,981 --> 00:04:44,901
Thank you, Becky. Yes, it was my idea.

103
00:04:44,981 --> 00:04:47,421
But Mae is having
a tough time at the moment,

104
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:49,021
and I need to be her support.

105
00:04:49,101 --> 00:04:51,341
She's my priority and… and…

106
00:04:52,061 --> 00:04:54,061
-This has to take a back seat.
-[sighs]

107
00:04:54,141 --> 00:04:57,821
Right, well, can we have
a group hug at least for closure?

108
00:04:58,981 --> 00:05:01,981
Could we maybe have
like a group wave instead?

109
00:05:09,981 --> 00:05:11,821
Okay, so I got a writer's room,

110
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:15,061
then a dress rehearsal,
and then like a run-through, I think.

111
00:05:15,141 --> 00:05:17,821
Have you thought about
how you're gonna feel after the show?

112
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,741
After I'm gonna feel like Liam Neeson.

113
00:05:19,821 --> 00:05:23,501
I'm finally holding people accountable.
Is my hair okay, though?

114
00:05:23,581 --> 00:05:26,661
Mae, your hair's always the same.
You're like an anime character.

115
00:05:26,741 --> 00:05:28,941
I thought it was Scott
and people in Canada

116
00:05:29,021 --> 00:05:31,581
that you wanted to hold accountable.
Now it's Arnie?

117
00:05:31,661 --> 00:05:32,981
Who cares about Scott?

118
00:05:33,061 --> 00:05:36,021
I know how I feel about Scott.
I'm not responding to any of his texts.

119
00:05:36,101 --> 00:05:37,181
He's just some schmuck.

120
00:05:37,261 --> 00:05:40,181
Nobody gives a shit about the tech guy
in a Toronto comedy club.

121
00:05:40,261 --> 00:05:43,621
This is different.
This is like somebody in power.

122
00:05:43,701 --> 00:05:44,661
It's a big deal.

123
00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:48,141
-Okay, bye.
-Bye. I'll see you there.

124
00:05:49,101 --> 00:05:51,781
-Don't you have work?
-I took the day off to help.

125
00:05:51,861 --> 00:05:54,541
That's really nice.
But I really don't need you there.

126
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:57,101
I'm not an invalid, you know?
I'm a warrior.

127
00:05:58,021 --> 00:05:59,061
I'm like Rufio.

128
00:06:04,301 --> 00:06:06,901
Jack, do you think my hair ever changes?

129
00:06:07,021 --> 00:06:09,421
Oh my God, what if I cry during filming?

130
00:06:09,501 --> 00:06:10,461
I'm scared.

131
00:06:13,061 --> 00:06:14,701
Um, I'll meet you inside, okay?

132
00:06:14,781 --> 00:06:16,501
-I want to check something out.
-Okay.

133
00:06:16,581 --> 00:06:18,501
Do you think they'll let me go toilet?

134
00:06:20,381 --> 00:06:21,221
Phil?

135
00:06:22,621 --> 00:06:24,101
-No.
-What do you mean, "No"?

136
00:06:24,181 --> 00:06:25,941
What are you doing?
I told you not to come.

137
00:06:28,141 --> 00:06:30,501
I know, your parents
wanted me to look after you.

138
00:06:30,581 --> 00:06:32,341
My parents?
What are you talking about?

139
00:06:32,421 --> 00:06:34,141
Don't hate me. We just started talking.

140
00:06:34,221 --> 00:06:37,341
You just started talking
to my parents in Canada?

141
00:06:37,421 --> 00:06:40,181
They're worried. You bailed on rehab
and ignore their calls.

142
00:06:40,261 --> 00:06:41,781
I'm not ignoring their calls.

143
00:06:41,861 --> 00:06:44,821
They don't respect my choices,
or my privacy.

144
00:06:44,901 --> 00:06:47,701
-I guess you don't either.
-Hear me out, baby, please.

145
00:06:47,781 --> 00:06:51,821
I really don't think this is a good idea.
Okay, you've got PTSD, dude.

146
00:06:51,901 --> 00:06:54,821
Don't you think, instead of your agent,
you need to speak to a professional?

147
00:06:54,901 --> 00:06:57,261
Donna is a professional.
A professional agent.

148
00:06:57,341 --> 00:07:01,861
God, this is like the first time in years
that I've felt strong and amped up.

149
00:07:01,941 --> 00:07:03,421
I feel like Kylo Ren.

150
00:07:03,501 --> 00:07:05,421
I wanna do this on my own,
on my own terms.

151
00:07:05,501 --> 00:07:09,101
Is it on your own terms, Mae?
'Cause it doesn't feel like it.

152
00:07:09,181 --> 00:07:11,781
Honestly, to me, showbiz is hell.

153
00:07:12,421 --> 00:07:13,621
It's hell.

154
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:16,461
Trust me, I know.
I'm from Tinseltown, Hollywood.

155
00:07:16,541 --> 00:07:19,301
It's a bunch of frickin' scorpions
like Donna exploiting

156
00:07:19,381 --> 00:07:21,381
and commodifying pain for giggles.

157
00:07:21,461 --> 00:07:24,941
Yeah, well, it's my job, Phil,
and I love showbiz and I love giggles.

158
00:07:25,021 --> 00:07:26,541
So maybe I'm a scorpion.

159
00:07:26,621 --> 00:07:29,141
Donna says that trauma's
incredibly trendy right now,

160
00:07:29,221 --> 00:07:32,181
and I trust her.
I trust her a lot more than I trust you,

161
00:07:32,261 --> 00:07:35,101
'cause at least
she's not stalking me in a weird hat.

162
00:07:35,181 --> 00:07:36,581
God, go home, Phil.

163
00:07:37,301 --> 00:07:38,141
[exhales]

164
00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:39,901
[sobbing]

165
00:07:45,421 --> 00:07:46,261
Sorry.

166
00:07:48,061 --> 00:07:49,701
Ahoy, Captain.

167
00:07:49,781 --> 00:07:52,461
Dad? What are you doing here?

168
00:07:52,541 --> 00:07:54,541
I thought I'd swing by,
see how you're doing.

169
00:07:54,621 --> 00:07:58,101
I'm very busy.
You can't just swing by without calling.

170
00:07:58,181 --> 00:08:00,581
-Well, I do own this house, so I can.
-[sighs]

171
00:08:00,661 --> 00:08:04,341
Uh, no, I just want to grab your old cot
and pram for the new baby.

172
00:08:04,421 --> 00:08:08,141
He's due in three weeks.
God, I am excited to be a dad.

173
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,781
You're already a dad.
My dad, if you remember.

174
00:08:10,861 --> 00:08:12,141
Oh yeah. Yeah.

175
00:08:12,221 --> 00:08:14,861
Never mind. This isn't a good time.
I'm running late.

176
00:08:14,941 --> 00:08:18,501
I'm meant to be going to a recording
of Fun Junk to support Mae, my girlfriend.

177
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:19,581
Do you remember?

178
00:08:19,661 --> 00:08:22,581
Oh yeah, no, I got the email, yeah.
Bit of fun, isn't it?

179
00:08:22,661 --> 00:08:26,061
Yeah, sorry, I didn't respond.
It was Wimbledon semifinals.

180
00:08:26,141 --> 00:08:28,901
-Oh, okay.
-Hey, I could come to the recording.

181
00:08:28,981 --> 00:08:30,261
-I don't think so.
-Yeah.

182
00:08:30,341 --> 00:08:32,541
Then… Then we could catch up,
and I could meet Mae.

183
00:08:33,261 --> 00:08:35,581
I can drive. I've got the Jag.

184
00:08:35,661 --> 00:08:37,021
Mae's put me on the guest list

185
00:08:37,101 --> 00:08:39,421
and I don't think you can get tickets
at this late notice.

186
00:08:39,501 --> 00:08:40,621
-[phone chimes]
-Got 'em.

187
00:08:40,701 --> 00:08:41,901
-What?
-Easy. Fantastic.

188
00:08:42,621 --> 00:08:45,621
Okay, we'll just get the baby stuff
out of the attic. Put the kettle on.

189
00:08:47,061 --> 00:08:47,901
Come in.

190
00:08:47,981 --> 00:08:49,981
[groovy music playing]

191
00:08:55,261 --> 00:08:57,141
-Hello, darling. Hello, my love.
-Hi.

192
00:08:57,221 --> 00:08:59,381
Let's have a little look at you, shall we?

193
00:08:59,461 --> 00:09:02,781
Bit of blusher, bit of eye shadow,
bit of lippy and we're done. Yeah?

194
00:09:02,861 --> 00:09:04,861
Maybe we just keep it really plain like…

195
00:09:04,941 --> 00:09:06,781
It's just for the camera, love, so--

196
00:09:06,861 --> 00:09:07,741
Oh my God.

197
00:09:07,821 --> 00:09:09,741
Maybe if you just do me
like you'd do a boy?

198
00:09:09,821 --> 00:09:10,701
-Like a boy.
-Mm.

199
00:09:10,781 --> 00:09:12,421
But you're not a boy, are you?

200
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:15,061
[laughs] You're not gonna make
my life difficult, are you?

201
00:09:15,141 --> 00:09:17,301
-Mae! Hey. Hi.
-Hi.

202
00:09:17,381 --> 00:09:19,701
Thanks for being part
of Season 6 of Fun Junk.

203
00:09:19,781 --> 00:09:23,061
-Oh, thanks for having me. I'm pumped.
-Oh, it's gonna be great.

204
00:09:23,141 --> 00:09:25,861
First things first.
I'm gonna get you to film a little ident,

205
00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:26,981
just introducing yourself.

206
00:09:27,061 --> 00:09:30,261
The writers have written them for you.
Jack's doing his now. Look.

207
00:09:30,341 --> 00:09:32,421
-[woman] Action, Jack.
-"I'm Jack Barry."

208
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:35,741
"I'm like Seth Rogen,
but without the brains or charisma."

209
00:09:36,501 --> 00:09:39,381
"Tune in to watch me skewer the news."

210
00:09:39,461 --> 00:09:42,541
"Mm, skewer. Me hungry."

211
00:09:42,621 --> 00:09:45,221
-[woman] And cut.
-[laughing] I love it. Funny, Jack.

212
00:09:45,301 --> 00:09:48,741
Mae, have a read of yours.
We tried to really write it in your voice.

213
00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:52,021
"Hi, I'm Mae Martin.
Some people think I look like a boy."

214
00:09:52,101 --> 00:09:55,101
"It's kinda weird,
but kinda cool too, I guess."

215
00:09:55,181 --> 00:09:56,541
-Um--
-Brilliant. Brilliant.

216
00:09:56,621 --> 00:09:59,581
Loads of enthusiasm, please.
Yeah, really sell it. [laughs]

217
00:09:59,661 --> 00:10:00,741
[woman] And action.

218
00:10:00,821 --> 00:10:03,661
"Hi! I'm Mae Martin.
Some people think I look like a boy."

219
00:10:03,741 --> 00:10:06,461
"It's kinda weird,
but kinda cool too, I guess."

220
00:10:06,541 --> 00:10:09,261
-You know what? I'm not loving it--
-Let her say what she wants, Mark.

221
00:10:09,341 --> 00:10:11,181
She's great when she's riffing.

222
00:10:11,261 --> 00:10:12,101
Arnie.

223
00:10:12,781 --> 00:10:15,221
-How you doing? Oh.
-Hi.

224
00:10:15,301 --> 00:10:17,181
-Thank you for doing this.
-Thanks for having me.

225
00:10:17,261 --> 00:10:19,581
I'll look after you out there.
It's gonna be brilliant.

226
00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:21,981
Get away from her with that, Maureen.

227
00:10:22,061 --> 00:10:25,141
-Uh, Mark, I'm just gonna steal Mae.
-[Mark] Yeah. Sure thing.

228
00:10:26,381 --> 00:10:27,221
Hi, Arnie.

229
00:10:29,301 --> 00:10:30,141
[pouring drink]

230
00:10:30,261 --> 00:10:31,301
[Arnie] Listen, Mae,

231
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:34,381
I want to apologize
for that little incident,

232
00:10:34,461 --> 00:10:37,141
when I tried to show you
my very famous penis.

233
00:10:37,741 --> 00:10:39,901
I mean,  it was so fucked up. I'm serious.

234
00:10:39,981 --> 00:10:43,541
And I was in such a weird place,
and I'm a lot better now.

235
00:10:43,621 --> 00:10:44,621
That's good.

236
00:10:44,701 --> 00:10:46,381
You're not the first comic

237
00:10:46,461 --> 00:10:49,221
to try to present an unsolicited dick
to me in the workplace.

238
00:10:49,301 --> 00:10:51,261
[laughs] That's great.

239
00:10:52,581 --> 00:10:55,221
It's not… It's not great, obviously.

240
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:58,701
You know what I mean.
Anyway, thank you for being so cool.

241
00:10:59,981 --> 00:11:03,621
Smash it out there, I will introduce you
to the execs after the show.

242
00:11:03,701 --> 00:11:06,021
They're always on the lookout
for funny people.

243
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,541
[tense music playing]

244
00:11:11,661 --> 00:11:12,581
Are you all right?

245
00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:14,781
Yeah. Yeah.

246
00:11:16,501 --> 00:11:18,141
-I'm really excited.
-Good.

247
00:11:18,221 --> 00:11:20,101
I'll be rooting for you out there.

248
00:11:20,181 --> 00:11:23,541
Having you on the show
is my lame excuse for an apology.

249
00:11:23,621 --> 00:11:24,461
[bell rings]

250
00:11:24,541 --> 00:11:26,421
[man over intercom]
Arnie, you're needed on set.

251
00:11:27,341 --> 00:11:28,821
See you on the dance floor.

252
00:11:30,261 --> 00:11:31,181
[door opens]

253
00:11:36,101 --> 00:11:38,341
So, tell me about this job of yours.

254
00:11:38,421 --> 00:11:41,701
Who's ruffling feathers?
Who's sleeping with who?

255
00:11:41,781 --> 00:11:44,181
Oh, Dad, it's a school, not a sex house.

256
00:11:44,261 --> 00:11:45,861
So tell me. What's it like?

257
00:11:46,461 --> 00:11:49,301
Well, I had set up
this like social activism group.

258
00:11:49,381 --> 00:11:51,421
That was quite good, but I gave it up.

259
00:11:52,061 --> 00:11:53,221
-Yeah.
-Why?

260
00:11:53,941 --> 00:11:56,381
Well, Mae's got a lot on her plate
at the moment.

261
00:11:57,461 --> 00:11:58,501
Fair enough.

262
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:01,861
-Ooh.
-What are you doing?

263
00:12:01,941 --> 00:12:03,981
Gonna pick up
some shades from Sunglass Hut.

264
00:12:04,061 --> 00:12:06,421
-No, Dad. We're gonna be late!
-It'll be fine.

265
00:12:06,501 --> 00:12:08,501
-It'll be two shakes of a lamb's tail.
-No, Dad.

266
00:12:13,501 --> 00:12:14,941
This doesn't look right.

267
00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:17,061
Dad, are we lost?

268
00:12:17,141 --> 00:12:19,821
No, no, not at all.
It's a… It's a shortcut.

269
00:12:19,901 --> 00:12:21,621
-Trust me.
-[phone chimes]

270
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:25,741
Oh my God. Dad, is that a nude?

271
00:12:25,821 --> 00:12:27,821
Hell's bells, that's Vivian.

272
00:12:27,901 --> 00:12:29,781
Oh. Met her at the gym.

273
00:12:30,461 --> 00:12:31,821
Bodacious pair of cans.

274
00:12:31,901 --> 00:12:33,701
Are you joking? Are you joking?

275
00:12:33,781 --> 00:12:36,621
-What?
-You're having a baby with your new wife!

276
00:12:36,701 --> 00:12:38,941
George, Camila and I
have an open marriage.

277
00:12:39,021 --> 00:12:39,901
What?

278
00:12:40,781 --> 00:12:42,181
-You do?
-Yes.

279
00:12:42,861 --> 00:12:45,061
I do a bit of rustling here,
rustling there.

280
00:12:45,141 --> 00:12:47,061
Camila does the same. No jealousy.

281
00:12:47,981 --> 00:12:50,741
Seriously, it's… it's great.
It makes us stronger.

282
00:12:51,981 --> 00:12:52,901
Jesus.

283
00:12:53,821 --> 00:12:55,941
I thought all young people did that.

284
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:59,941
Especially you and Mae, being trendy.

285
00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,501
-Actually, Mae's very traditional.
-Hmm.

286
00:13:03,581 --> 00:13:06,861
She is. She gets quite, like, stressed.

287
00:13:06,941 --> 00:13:09,701
That's not… Yeah, that's not really
something that we would do.

288
00:13:09,781 --> 00:13:11,021
Oh. Fair enough.

289
00:13:11,821 --> 00:13:12,741
Shame.

290
00:13:15,701 --> 00:13:17,661
Wanna see me do a handbrake turn?

291
00:13:17,741 --> 00:13:20,221
-No, thank you. You'll crash.
-No, I won't.

292
00:13:21,261 --> 00:13:22,821
I'll be like Bond. Watch.

293
00:13:22,901 --> 00:13:25,101
-Dad, Dad, no! Dad!
-[tires squealing]

294
00:13:25,181 --> 00:13:27,181
[upbeat music playing]

295
00:13:29,741 --> 00:13:32,421
♪ Smooth operator ♪

296
00:13:32,501 --> 00:13:35,021
♪ Protect me from the riot ♪

297
00:13:35,101 --> 00:13:37,901
♪ She don't no, no ♪

298
00:13:40,221 --> 00:13:42,621
♪ Smooth operator ♪

299
00:13:43,221 --> 00:13:45,621
♪ Push me to the side ♪

300
00:13:45,701 --> 00:13:49,381
♪ She don't love me anymore… ♪

301
00:13:52,261 --> 00:13:54,261
[crowd applauding]

302
00:13:56,541 --> 00:13:58,101
All right, give me a cheer

303
00:13:58,181 --> 00:14:01,981
if you've been to a taping
of Arnie Rivers Fun Junk before?

304
00:14:02,061 --> 00:14:04,061
-[audience cheering]
-[chuckling] All right.

305
00:14:04,141 --> 00:14:06,821
So you know the show.
This is recorded live.

306
00:14:06,901 --> 00:14:10,821
So don't pick your nose, don't heckle,
and keep the energy up.

307
00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:12,901
[audience cheering, applauding]

308
00:14:15,941 --> 00:14:16,941
I can see my mum.

309
00:14:18,621 --> 00:14:19,461
Hey, babe.

310
00:14:20,461 --> 00:14:23,181
Ready to give him hell?
Deep breath. That's it.

311
00:14:23,261 --> 00:14:25,461
Remember, right after the halfway break,

312
00:14:25,541 --> 00:14:28,621
just really confidently
look him dead in the eye and say,

313
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,741
"Are we gonna talk about the fact
that you're a fucking sleaze,

314
00:14:31,821 --> 00:14:34,461
you dirty little pig-dog."
Obviously in your own words.

315
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,541
-Yeah. I'm kind of having second thoughts.
-What?

316
00:14:37,621 --> 00:14:40,821
Have we thought about
what happens for me after the show?

317
00:14:40,901 --> 00:14:42,701
Yeah, no, no. That's the fun part.

318
00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:45,261
The tabloids calling,
morning talk show rounds,

319
00:14:45,341 --> 00:14:48,661
full page in the Sun probably,
Celebrity Big Brother.

320
00:14:48,741 --> 00:14:52,221
But what if I want to work towards
like a thoughtful Netflix special?

321
00:14:52,301 --> 00:14:54,861
-Or what if his lawyers come after me?
-[laughs]

322
00:14:54,941 --> 00:14:57,661
-Bring it on.
-[woman] Places for Mae and Jack, please.

323
00:14:57,741 --> 00:15:00,341
-[bell rings]
-Donna, what if I misremembered it?

324
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:02,021
Mae, stop dicking about.

325
00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:05,181
You owe this to everyone
who doesn't have a platform.

326
00:15:05,261 --> 00:15:08,181
-You owe this to me.
-[woman] Cue Mae and Jack, in three…

327
00:15:08,821 --> 00:15:09,901
[audience applauding]

328
00:15:09,981 --> 00:15:13,621
[Arnie] Please welcome
to Fun Junk our guest players,

329
00:15:14,421 --> 00:15:15,581
Jack Barry

330
00:15:16,901 --> 00:15:18,181
and Mae Martin!

331
00:15:18,701 --> 00:15:20,501
[audience cheering, applauding]

332
00:15:20,581 --> 00:15:23,221
Welcome to another episode of Fun Junk.

333
00:15:23,741 --> 00:15:25,421
Mae, great to have you.

334
00:15:25,501 --> 00:15:26,501
Thanks, Arnie.

335
00:15:26,581 --> 00:15:28,781
I'm just here to fill
the diversity checkbox.

336
00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:29,781
[audience laughs]

337
00:15:29,861 --> 00:15:32,341
Well, I'm glad you said it and not me.

338
00:15:32,421 --> 00:15:33,581
Jack, how are you, sir?

339
00:15:33,661 --> 00:15:36,901
-Yeah, I'm just here for the snacks.
-[all laughing]

340
00:15:37,741 --> 00:15:39,261
[speaking indistinctly]

341
00:15:42,101 --> 00:15:45,101
-How long's it gonna take?
-He said the engine's filled with sticks.

342
00:15:45,181 --> 00:15:46,861
But, uh, there's no real damage.

343
00:15:46,941 --> 00:15:49,741
-We'll be good to go in about an hour.
-An hour?

344
00:15:50,581 --> 00:15:52,221
Dad, I'm meant to be there now!

345
00:15:52,301 --> 00:15:54,341
What's the big deal?
You're in the audience.

346
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,301
-You can be a bit late.
-No. I can't.

347
00:15:56,381 --> 00:16:00,741
Being there for people means
actually physically being there, right?

348
00:16:00,821 --> 00:16:03,861
Not like rolling up smelling of cigars
whenever it suits you.

349
00:16:03,941 --> 00:16:05,501
What? What are you on about?

350
00:16:05,581 --> 00:16:08,061
You are the single
most selfish person I know.

351
00:16:08,141 --> 00:16:11,821
I was never
the most important thing to you, was I?

352
00:16:11,901 --> 00:16:14,621
That's because you should be
the most important thing to you.

353
00:16:14,701 --> 00:16:18,221
Okay, I really don't think you understand
how adult relationships work.

354
00:16:18,301 --> 00:16:20,901
Sometimes you have
to sacrifice your own needs.

355
00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:24,621
Christ on a bike, you sound
like your mother. Such a bloody martyr.

356
00:16:24,701 --> 00:16:27,261
-Ah.
-I stuck it out for years with your mum.

357
00:16:27,341 --> 00:16:30,141
I was so unhappy, and so was she, and you.

358
00:16:30,221 --> 00:16:33,181
You weren't a happy kid.
You used to go off in the garden

359
00:16:33,261 --> 00:16:35,861
and… and sing sea shanties. It was weird.

360
00:16:36,461 --> 00:16:40,861
Yes, maybe I am selfish, but I…
I took control of my own happiness.

361
00:16:40,941 --> 00:16:42,861
And I think perhaps you should too.

362
00:16:42,941 --> 00:16:45,221
Why did you even turn up today, Dad?

363
00:16:45,301 --> 00:16:49,261
Everything was fine before you came,
now we're in a ditch and Mae needs me.

364
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:51,261
I came because I’m having a son.

365
00:16:51,341 --> 00:16:53,701
And I want him
to have a sister in his life.

366
00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:54,981
I want you to know him.

367
00:16:55,061 --> 00:16:57,941
We can't always get what we want, can we?
I think I'm gonna run.

368
00:16:58,021 --> 00:17:01,821
-I'm gonna get there on time. Goodbye.
-No, George. George! George! Come on!

369
00:17:04,741 --> 00:17:06,581
Do you wanna keep these sticks?

370
00:17:07,101 --> 00:17:08,501
-[buzzer sounding]
-Mae?

371
00:17:08,581 --> 00:17:11,541
Is it Kim Kardashian in a mariachi band?

372
00:17:11,621 --> 00:17:14,221
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs] I'll give you a point for that.

373
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:18,021
And at the halftime break,
in the lead we have Mae on six points…

374
00:17:18,101 --> 00:17:20,821
-[audience applauding]
-…and Jack, true to form, is on zero.

375
00:17:20,901 --> 00:17:21,941
[audience laughs]

376
00:17:22,021 --> 00:17:23,581
We'll be back in a few.

377
00:17:23,661 --> 00:17:25,461
[show music playing]

378
00:17:25,541 --> 00:17:27,701
-Hey. How am I doing?
-Fucking great, Mae.

379
00:17:27,781 --> 00:17:28,861
-Really?
-[Mark] Honestly.

380
00:17:28,941 --> 00:17:31,181
You're a last-minute replacement
for Brad Chester.

381
00:17:31,261 --> 00:17:33,621
Best choice we ever made.
You're a way better fit.

382
00:17:33,701 --> 00:17:34,701
-Am I?
-[Mark] Yes.

383
00:17:34,781 --> 00:17:37,541
You're young and fun.
That's what this show is.

384
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:40,181
Brad was like ranting on Twitter
about defunding the police.

385
00:17:40,261 --> 00:17:41,701
We should defund the police.

386
00:17:41,781 --> 00:17:44,461
Sure, sure, and there's a time
and a place for that,

387
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,221
but this show is for funny people,
not angry people.

388
00:17:47,301 --> 00:17:50,901
Listen, would you consider coming back?
Maybe as a guest host?

389
00:17:50,981 --> 00:17:52,301
-Are you serious?
-Yeah.

390
00:17:52,381 --> 00:17:53,781
Yeah. Of course I would.

391
00:17:53,861 --> 00:17:56,501
We should catch up next week.
I wanna hear what ideas you have.

392
00:17:56,581 --> 00:17:58,501
Maybe we get something in development.

393
00:17:58,581 --> 00:17:59,661
I do have one idea.

394
00:17:59,741 --> 00:18:02,381
So it's like ninja warriors,
but with sloths.

395
00:18:02,461 --> 00:18:03,701
[laughs]

396
00:18:03,781 --> 00:18:05,901
-Yeah.
-That's insane. We'll talk, yeah?

397
00:18:05,981 --> 00:18:07,021
No, I'm serious.

398
00:18:07,701 --> 00:18:08,541
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

399
00:18:10,341 --> 00:18:11,981
Hey, so you ready?

400
00:18:12,061 --> 00:18:13,941
Yeah, this is what I'm thinking.

401
00:18:14,021 --> 00:18:17,061
Donna, I've been doing comedy
since I was 13 years old.

402
00:18:17,141 --> 00:18:21,261
So that's 17 years that I've been trying
to get on TV for being funny.

403
00:18:21,341 --> 00:18:22,541
And now I'm finally…

404
00:18:23,701 --> 00:18:26,421
-I'm not gonna do it.
-You are going to fucking do it!

405
00:18:27,021 --> 00:18:29,301
No, I'm not, Bilbo Baggins.

406
00:18:29,381 --> 00:18:31,301
[woman] Back in 15 seconds, people.

407
00:18:33,301 --> 00:18:35,061
[inaudible]

408
00:18:39,141 --> 00:18:41,381
[man] Camera one, take five.

409
00:18:41,461 --> 00:18:43,421
[show music playing]

410
00:18:43,501 --> 00:18:44,541
[audience cheering]

411
00:18:44,621 --> 00:18:47,941
And we're back. Round three on Fun Junk.

412
00:18:48,541 --> 00:18:50,541
I hope you had a drink, did a poo,

413
00:18:50,621 --> 00:18:53,901
and are ready for some puntastic revelry.

414
00:18:53,981 --> 00:18:56,501
-[audience laughing]
-Who writes this shit?

415
00:18:57,461 --> 00:19:01,101
So, guests, can anyone tell me

416
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:06,501
what's something unusual you would find
in the Prime Minister's fridge?

417
00:19:06,581 --> 00:19:07,421
Mae?

418
00:19:10,381 --> 00:19:11,661
[tense music playing]

419
00:19:19,221 --> 00:19:21,061
Arnie? Do…

420
00:19:22,821 --> 00:19:23,901
Do you remember…

421
00:19:23,981 --> 00:19:25,221
[music intensifies]

422
00:19:31,181 --> 00:19:33,461
I don't know. I don't know.

423
00:19:34,061 --> 00:19:36,541
Okay. Um… [clicks tongue]

424
00:19:37,501 --> 00:19:39,381
-Jack, what about you?
-Um…

425
00:19:40,901 --> 00:19:44,061
Uh, Arnie, is it true

426
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:47,541
that you once tried to force Mae
to touch your willy in the toilet?

427
00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:49,541
[audience murmuring]

428
00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:50,621
You what, mate?

429
00:19:53,021 --> 00:19:54,741
Mae, isn't that true?

430
00:19:59,461 --> 00:20:01,581
Jack, I think
you should leave me and Arnie

431
00:20:01,661 --> 00:20:04,181
out of your fucked up sexual fantasies.

432
00:20:04,261 --> 00:20:06,101
-You know what I mean?
-Yeah.

433
00:20:06,181 --> 00:20:08,301
Arnie, can we gunge Jack for that?

434
00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:12,061
-Damn right, we can.
-[male voice] It's gunge time!

435
00:20:13,261 --> 00:20:14,861
[audience cheering, applauding]

436
00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:19,981
[audience whistling]

437
00:20:23,341 --> 00:20:24,501
-Hi.
-[receptionist] Hi.

438
00:20:24,581 --> 00:20:27,141
Sorry, hi, I'm… I'm here for Fun Junk.

439
00:20:27,221 --> 00:20:29,061
-I'm George Lawson.
-[receptionist] Okay.

440
00:20:29,141 --> 00:20:31,461
Yeah, I'm on Mae Martin's guest list.

441
00:20:32,581 --> 00:20:33,421
Yeah.

442
00:20:34,261 --> 00:20:36,581
I'm sorry, your name's not on the list.

443
00:20:38,941 --> 00:20:41,061
-Are you sure? Yeah.
-[receptionist] Yeah.

444
00:20:43,221 --> 00:20:44,101
Sorry.

445
00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:46,301
Oh.

446
00:20:47,741 --> 00:20:48,581
Oh, right.

447
00:20:49,821 --> 00:20:50,981
Yeah, okay, thanks.

448
00:20:51,781 --> 00:20:52,781
[horn honks]

449
00:20:52,861 --> 00:20:53,781
That's fine.

450
00:21:00,821 --> 00:21:03,381
So, what happened?

451
00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:07,341
-Mae didn't put me on the guest list.
-What?

452
00:21:07,861 --> 00:21:09,781
Well, that dirty rotten bitch!

453
00:21:09,861 --> 00:21:12,541
No, no, she said…
she said that she didn't need me,

454
00:21:12,621 --> 00:21:14,421
but I insisted on coming.

455
00:21:14,501 --> 00:21:15,381
Ah.

456
00:21:16,061 --> 00:21:17,181
What am I doing?

457
00:21:19,021 --> 00:21:22,941
I took the day off work for this,
and nobody asked me to.

458
00:21:23,541 --> 00:21:28,461
You see, the thing about martyrs
is that they think,

459
00:21:28,541 --> 00:21:30,101
"Oh, woe is me."

460
00:21:30,181 --> 00:21:31,701
And then before they know it,

461
00:21:31,781 --> 00:21:34,981
they have melted
into a pile of bones and ash.

462
00:21:36,461 --> 00:21:38,461
Is that what you want for yourself?

463
00:21:40,261 --> 00:21:41,101
No.

464
00:21:41,181 --> 00:21:43,141
Okay, so what do you want?

465
00:21:43,221 --> 00:21:45,501
Gun to the head, laser to the groin,

466
00:21:46,301 --> 00:21:49,261
what do you want for your life?

467
00:21:52,461 --> 00:21:53,341
I want

468
00:21:54,621 --> 00:21:55,981
to be good at my job.

469
00:21:56,061 --> 00:21:58,621
I really like it, weirdly.

470
00:21:58,701 --> 00:22:00,421
Good. So what else?

471
00:22:02,461 --> 00:22:03,901
I want to save the bees.

472
00:22:04,781 --> 00:22:08,781
I want the kids to want to save the bees,
because they're gonna inherit the bees.

473
00:22:09,381 --> 00:22:10,341
And besides work?

474
00:22:12,741 --> 00:22:15,621
I don't want to end up like you and Mum,

475
00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:18,421
-on eggshells all the time.
-[chuckles]

476
00:22:21,141 --> 00:22:23,221
I'm worried I'm going to disappear.

477
00:22:27,861 --> 00:22:28,981
[sniffling]

478
00:22:29,061 --> 00:22:30,781
And I want to go on holiday.

479
00:22:31,381 --> 00:22:32,701
Then go on holiday.

480
00:22:39,141 --> 00:22:40,261
[sighs]

481
00:22:45,181 --> 00:22:47,661
Have you thought about
what you're gonna name the baby?

482
00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:48,821
Mm.

483
00:22:50,061 --> 00:22:52,421
-You have to be kidding.
-It's a strong name.

484
00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:55,941
-You're calling my brother "George"?
-Yes, named after me.

485
00:22:56,021 --> 00:22:59,941
-You honestly are an atrocious bellend.
-[snickers]

486
00:23:00,021 --> 00:23:02,581
What do you want to do?
Do you want to wait for Mae?

487
00:23:02,661 --> 00:23:04,701
No. Because Mae is fine.

488
00:23:04,781 --> 00:23:05,741
Mmm.

489
00:23:05,821 --> 00:23:08,301
-Could you drive me to work?
-Yeah.

490
00:23:08,381 --> 00:23:09,381
[engine starts]

491
00:23:10,781 --> 00:23:12,421
What the fuck were you thinking?

492
00:23:12,501 --> 00:23:15,821
Donna told me. She said you said
I should set you up to tell that story.

493
00:23:15,901 --> 00:23:19,741
-I swear she told me to, Mae. I fucked up.
-I don't want any of this.

494
00:23:19,821 --> 00:23:23,181
The bad guy always wins,
and I don't even know if I'm the good guy.

495
00:23:23,261 --> 00:23:24,701
Well, I'm not the bad guy.

496
00:23:27,581 --> 00:23:29,581
["No Halo" by Kevin Morby playing]

497
00:23:33,021 --> 00:23:35,181
-Well, that was a colossal shit show.
-Oh.

498
00:23:35,261 --> 00:23:37,621
-What happened to John Wick?
-Fuck off, Donna.

499
00:23:37,701 --> 00:23:39,021
Excuse me.

500
00:23:39,101 --> 00:23:41,421
-You are on very thin ice, babe.
-What?

501
00:23:41,501 --> 00:23:44,461
Are you joking? You're obviously fired.

502
00:23:45,261 --> 00:23:46,101
What?

503
00:23:47,261 --> 00:23:49,021
You're in my black book, Mae!

504
00:23:52,781 --> 00:23:57,101
♪ No rooftop on my joy ♪

505
00:24:01,021 --> 00:24:05,461
♪ When I was a child ♪

506
00:24:08,221 --> 00:24:11,221
♪ Nowhere, no how, no one ♪

507
00:24:11,301 --> 00:24:15,181
♪ Nothing was not made of fire ♪

508
00:24:16,941 --> 00:24:20,781
♪ One, two, three, four ♪

509
00:24:20,861 --> 00:24:23,541
♪ Five, six times the charm ♪

510
00:24:25,141 --> 00:24:31,341
♪ Six, six, five, four, three, two ♪

511
00:24:33,021 --> 00:24:33,981
♪ One ♪

512
00:24:40,661 --> 00:24:45,541
♪ And hey, hey, hey
No, no, no ♪

513
00:24:47,461 --> 00:24:48,501
♪ Halo ♪

514
00:24:49,781 --> 00:24:50,621
[man] Oy!

515
00:24:51,261 --> 00:24:53,221
♪ No, no, no ♪

516
00:24:53,301 --> 00:24:57,541
♪ Halo, halo, halo, halo ♪

517
00:24:58,421 --> 00:25:02,381
♪ When I was a boy ♪

518
00:25:06,261 --> 00:25:10,741
♪ No rooftop on my joy ♪

519
00:25:13,861 --> 00:25:18,221
♪ When I was a child ♪

520
00:25:20,861 --> 00:25:25,941
♪ No one, nowhere, no how
Nothing was not made of… ♪