I can't believe you don't know who Arnie Rivers is.
Well, he's an icon. You'll get it in, like, two seconds.
When my girlfriend's with her friends, weirdly, she speaks another language.
[laughs]
It's the language of drunk, feral cats.
-[audience laughing] -[Arnie howls like a cat]
I went there!
[audience applauding]
That's his couch face.
-Do you have a couch face? -Hmm, um, yeah.
It's, uh: "Oh brother, did somebody say Canada?"
-Really? -No.
Okay, look. And then he did action movies.
Oh, and he is such a good actor.
He's so tall.
Look, he's just gonna bang this girl.
[Arnie] My father owned this factory.
Now, I'm owning you.
Wow.
[woman moaning]
-So you were like... pretty into him? -[George] Oh, yeah.
Before Leo, and after Ryan Gosling.
Oh-oh!
-Oh, wow. -Yeah.
Yeah.
Um...
When I wank, I still think about him.
Oh, cool. Oh no, that's cool. Yeah, cool.
-Cool. -Are you jealous?
I just don't get why, if he's so famous,
he's coming to do a weekend of shows for Nick at The Gag Bin.
Because this happened.
He had like a full-on breakdown. Drugs, brothels.
-He hasn't worked in, like, ten years. -All right, well...
what do you want me to tell him when I meet him?
Okay, can you tell him that...
I wanted to marry him all the way through my adolescence
-and most of my early twenties. What? -Hmm.
I just--
I thought you didn't believe in marriage.
Yes, obviously not now, but like everyone does when they're a kid.
Hmm, yeah.
Um, I have to tell you something.
-Okay, -But can you pay attention?
Yes?
My father owned this factory, and now I'm owning you.
-Did you like that? -[George] I loved that.
-Can you say more? -My father was a hard man.
Okay, guys, if everyone would like to take their seats.
Welcome to our first friends and family meeting.
[group applauds]
All right, let's start over here. And you are?
I'm George, and I'm with Mae.
Welcome, George. We've heard a lot about you.
Um, and over here we have...
This is my daughter... Lava.
This is, uh, my accountant, Chris.
Sorry, I don't really know why I'm actually here.
Chris knows everything about me.
Where I go to eat, my mortgage,
my national insurance number.
[David] Um, lovely.
So, this group focuses on drug use,
but through our discussions,
Mae, particularly, has broadened our definition of addiction
to include any behavior which an addict craves,
finds relief in,
but cannot give up despite the negative consequences
it's causing in their day-to-day life.
How can I help my wife?
Sorry.
That's okay, Joseph. Um...
Brenda, how does your husband help you?
It's just, I suppose that...
he's there.
Always.
It doesn't matter how badly I treat him, he's my absolute angel.
That's lovely.
Sorry, hello, it's not lovely.
He's enabling her. He's an enabler.
[Maggie] Sorry.
Lava's had a... rough go of it.
Well, okay, for instance...
at her school, I once picked up the wrong child.
I took another child home. I genuinely...
thought it was Lava. I took him home,
and I cooked him chips.
I was fucked.
He was a little Korean boy.
[Maggie] Lava cut me off when she was 16,
but I'm gradually earning back her trust, aren't I, darling?
Yeah.
I'm in it for the long haul now.
George?
Sorry?
Are you in it for the long haul?
Yes, George. How do you support your addict?
Um...
"Are you in it for the long haul?"
Who asks a stranger that?
Can she just get off your dick for one second?
And, "How do you support your addict?"
I mean, what was I meant to say? What a weird question.
I don't know, maybe you shouldn't have said,
"I bought a strap-on, and I pay for most of our Ubers."
I mean, what is wrong with me?
Thank you very, very much for coming.
Yeah, well, it's my job.
-Love you. -[exhales]
I mean, "long haul," what does that even mean?
You just-- you just take it day-by-day.
Nobody knows the future. We're young!
I mean, are we that young?
Like... we're older than most waiters.
Did you say we're older than most waiters?
-That's very funny. -Thanks.
-Hey, you should be a comedian. -Okay.
-Really? -Yeah.
Oh no, I have to call Binky.
She's freaking out about her baby shower.
"Binky's baby shower." I can't believe I'm actually saying those words.
That's so fucked.
All right, well, I'm gonna go see your husband, Arnie Rivers.
[gasps] Oh, my... Ooh.
-Heart be still. -Okay, goodbye.
Oh-ho-ho!
-Have you seen this? -[Mae] Oh, he's got a tour to promote.
[Pete] That's why he's here. He's looking for an opener.
Mae, I swear to God, if you go on before me, and bum everyone out
talking about anxiety, I swear--
Oh cool, good chat, Pete. Have a good show.
-I will. Good. -All right.
[Nick] It's right here. Guys.
This is Arnie.
Arnie, that's Pete,
Jack, Mae.
Oh, a frat boy.
[chuckles]
Oh, another frat boy.
And some sort of androgynous muppet.
Wow, you've really pulled out all the stops tonight, Nick.
Arnie, I'm a big fan, man.
Hopefully you'll get a chance to see my set,
a bit of jizz-based material?
Yes, as a recovering sex addict,
I'm sure I will love all of your jokes about jizz.
[laughing]
I bet you do jokes about the legalization of marijuana.
Those two both fulfill the prescriptive expectations of society.
So many syllables.
Is that your thing? You just do so many syllables?
Yeah, and I like to keep my syllables with my MTV Movie Award
and my Teen Choice Award.
Oh well, those teens are such discerning comedy critics.
Wow, I bet you do jokes about the beauty of the infinite gender spectrum.
So current.
Yeah, remember what that feels like?
To be current, and relevant, and...
I like you.
Ha, show me around.
[all laugh]
-I like this muppet. -Real cute.
[laughing continues]
-Well, that went terribly. -Yeah.
Now, we need to make a stand against the generations of men
who believe that compassion somehow equates to weakness.
So I went around to my dad's house, and I beat the fucking shit out of him.
[audience laughing, applauding]
-[audience cheering] -Thank you. You guys have been great.
And just to say thank you,
I want to buy everyone in this room a drink.
[all cheering, applauding]
-[George] How was it? -Oh, man.
I get it now. That guy's cool.
He's like so at ease with himself.
-He's so tall. -Hmm.
-I have to get tall. -Hmm.
George?
Hmm?
If we broke up,
do you think you'd date other girls, or, just like...
go back to boys?
Hmm, I don't know.
Boys, I think.
You're the only girl I like.
Why does that sound kind of neat?
-You're asleep. -Mm-hmm.
[high-pitched feedback ringing]
[man chattering playfully]
Oh!
[George] Um, can you open this eye, please?
You slept, like, 12 hours last night. Are you okay?
Why is he so good with kids?
Thanks.
Excuse me, sorry. Can we get the bill?
Thank you.
Oh, you know what? I'll get this.
-Really? -[Mae] Yeah.
Um, and you know what? I'm gonna get that family's bill as well, with the kid.
Yeah, it's on me.
Sorry, what?
Yeah.
That was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
-Yeah, I know. No big deal. -I feel nervous.
Sorry, sir. Your card's been declined.
Um, she's a girl.
Oh, that's okay, um...
Sorry, I don't know why that would be.
It's okay, it's okay. I'll get it.
Thanks.
[door opens]
-Oh, shit. Wait a second! -What?
Just a second, please.
Can you just wait three seconds before you come in?
Yeah.
Okay.
-What is this? -What do you mean?
I'm just working out.
I'm getting massive.
Okay, so Binky is furious
that she's gonna be pregnant in her wedding dress.
I can't believe they're gonna have a baby in six months.
It's like there was nothing,
and then they just had sex,
and then there's a human being.
I mean, it's-- can you leave this off?
Can you just get on the bed, and take your jeans off?
Okay.
So what? What are they even gonna call the kid?
I mean, when Binky and I were in year eight,
we promised that we'd name our babies after Westlife.
So, that's gotta be something like "Brian"
or "Shane."
"Mark."
It's insane.
She's literally living the life that we made up in our dreams.
Every bit of it. She's glowing.
She's glowing-- actually, although, I do think that's fake tan.
Okay, we were gonna live in the same house, in separate wings,
and we-- wait, I have to pee.
Can you just take off your pants?
Yes.
So Hugh was high, and so was Binky,
and then he just didn't pull out.
And now suddenly, they're adults, and that's it.
He just didn't pull out, and--
Oh, Mae.
Oh my God.
[moaning]
[moaning] Oh, fuck.
Oh fuck, I can come from this.
I can come from fucking you.
I want you. You can take this off?
Can you just not move your arms, please?
[moaning]
[Mae] Oh my God, I'm going to come so fast.
Come inside me.
I want you to come inside me.
Why are-- why are you stopping?
You said come inside me.
Mae, are you serious?
You just said come inside me,
and I physically can't. Do you know that? Because I'd love to.
Mae, it's a turn of phrase,
like: "Suck my dick."
Are you--?
What are you doing?
I'm sorry.
Let's just stop.
I just thought...
I'm just trying to be what you want.
I just want you to be yourself.
I don't think that's really true.
It's definitely not what you dreamed of, so...
Oh Mae, you have so many feelings,
but it's in your head.
It's all in your head.
I'm gonna order Singapore noodles and spring rolls.
Okay.
My card's not working, so is it okay--
Okay, I'll get them.
Um, Phil?
Have you noticed that Mae's been acting weird lately,
-like on edge? -Yeah.
This morning she asked me to spar with her.
I mean, she's freaking out or something.
Yeah, I thought so.
I was talking about Binky's baby, and she just went all weird.
I hope you and Mae have a baby, like right here in this flat.
Yeah, well, I guess it's just not
that simple, is it? Girls don't just have them, do they?
Yeah, they do. Are you nuts?
But you should probably start saving now for IVF, because it is crazy expensive.
But you know, what you don't have to pay for
is sperm.
Because I have decided I am going to give you some.
Oh, by the way,
if you are going to get pregnant,
you probably shouldn't be taking this stuff.
-What's that? -Uh, your oxycodone.
I know the hospital said you should probably take some,
but it's garbage. It's like snakes in your blood.
I'm not taking it. I've never seen it before.
I found it in your coat.
That's Mae's coat.
[Phil] Oh, shit.
Oh my God.
What should I do?
I don't know.
She's going through a hard time. Why don't you go see her show?
Be supportive.
Oh, cool. Yeah, great idea. Thanks, Phil.
I'm sorry, I don't know why I was sarcastic.
It's actually a really good idea. Thanks.
Sorry, I was looking through your coat or Mae's coat.
Just needed some change.
[Arnie] And reach for the stars.
Ah, Mae.
Come and create a psychic space in your core with us.
Oh, I'd love to, but I might not have the core strength for that,
because apparently I'm a woman, I guess.
Come. Share it with the group.
-What's wrong? -[Mae] Um...
I don't feel very positive about my gender at the moment,
because my arms are made of yogurt, and I think my girlfriend wishes...
I think she wishes I was you.
That is...
so specific.
Listen, I will give you 200 pounds
if you write that up into a set, and do it tonight.
-Two hundred pounds? -Are you serious?
I was doing jokes about airplane food.
My career was dead, okay?
Then I started talking about real stuff.
Loneliness, isolation, sobriety.
Suddenly, everyone started giving a shit.
Honesty will set you free.
I want to do it too.
I wanna do honesty.
Now, you stick to your jokes about weed, Jack.
[man groans]
[crowd cheering, applauding]
Thank you so much.
You have all been very lovely,
and thank you. Well, listen. Please don't go anywhere.
I want you to stick around for our next act.
She is a personal friend of mine,
and I have challenged her tonight
to be as honest as she can.
Please welcome...
Mae Martin.
[audience cheering]
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Um, all right, I'm gonna do new stuff.
Is that okay?
-Yeah. -Okay, 'cause like-- it's not even jokes.
So, I live by a theory,
which is that, um, everyone's, like, innately bisexual to some degree,
and that sexuality's like a fluid, dynamic thing,
and it can change throughout your life. Do you guys agree?
[audience cheering]
Really? Yeah, okay. It's very trendy.
-But, um... -[audience laughing]
I find it's a--
it's also very confusing for me, because it means that...
Basically, it means that, if I'm just good enough,
-I can morph anyone's fluid sexuality. -[audience laughing]
Do you know what I mean? Like...
So, my girlfriend is straight.
I have a straight girlfriend.
Historically, she's been straight.
And, uh, I-- I'm--
exhausted?
I'm so tired
all the time from trying to be,
like, I'm basically trying to be what I imagine
her dream version of her high school boyfriend is.
That's what I'm doing.
Like a '90s heartthrob thing all the time.
I do so many push-ups and sit-ups.
-It's pathetic. -[audience continues laughing]
-Relatable? Um... -[audience laughing]
How about this? Is this relatable?
I think I'm transgender,
or like non-binary, or whatever the terms are these days.
Um, but whatever. 'Cause I've always kind of felt this way,
but it is not helping me dating her.
Like it's-- We--
-Prepare yourselves. -[laughing]
-We were having sex... -[cheering]
Yes. Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah.
And, uh...
In the middle of sex, she goes, "I want you to come inside me."
-[audience laughing] -I was like, "I physically can't."
[laughing]
She says that I'm the only girl that she's attracted to,
but she says that like it's a good thing,
like I should be so charmed and touched.
But if that's true, then she doesn't love me for who I am.
She loves me despite who I am.
Um, yeah, I...
I used to have a red hoodie.
It's like my favorite hoodie. I love it,
and I haven't worn it in six months.
I only wear black now.
You may have noticed.
I only wear black.
I don't wear colors anymore, because, um...
yeah, I'm worried she's gonna come out of the shower
and be startled if she sees a bright color,
and be like: "Oh fuck, it's a girl. Oh my God."
And the fucked-up thing is that, like,
I just know, you know?
I'm just certain that she'll wake up one day,
and she'll realize that what she really wants
and grew up wanting, is, like, simplicity,
and some beefcake boy, you know?
Called like... Charlie.
[laughing]
With a B-minus personality, you know?
'Cause she's culturally straight,
so it doesn't matter how "A-plus" my personality is,
that guy, Charlie,
he doesn't even have to try, that guy.
He doesn't have to do push-ups, or learn Sum 41 on the guitar,
or write her poems, or be good at giving head at all.
[laughing]
He just has to be simple and kind, and full of sperms.
So that he can sperm-inate her.
[laughter continues]
Um, anyway, I'm gonna go. You guys have been so nice.
Thank you so much.
[audience laughing, cheering]
That was great.
[chuckling]
Mae, I want you to open for me on tour.
[Mae] What?
Oh, my God. Yes, Arnie. Holy Toledo.
-Are you serious? -[Arnie] Don't say "holy Toledo" at me.
Yes, I'm serious.
Arnie, fuck.
We'll do a few dates at first, see how we go, all right?
-Yeah. -You can do Manchester.
-Brighton, obviously. -Yes.
-[tapping] -What the fuck are you doing?
What are you doing, man?
[Arnie snorting]
[high-pitched feedback ringing]
-You said you were clean. -I also said I was sorry for tax evasion.
Fucking hell.
I mean, you literally just said to me that honesty will set you free.
-That's what you said. -Oh, and speaking honestly,
are you a lesbian, Mae?
I mean, I don't really label myself.
As you heard, I'm very complex.
I had a threesome with Jack, and then when I was homeless,
I had a boyfriend called Vlad.
-No. -Yeah.
-Vlad the Impaler? -Yeah.
-You touched Vlad's penis? -Yes, I did.
-Yeah, I'm gonna go. -Hey, do you wanna touch mine?
Come on, don't look so shocked. We're gonna be touring together,
and it gets very intimate touring--
Are those things connected? The touring and becoming intimate
-with your dick? -Yeah, they go hand-in-hand.
-By that, I mean dick-in-hand. Come on. -[door opens]
-Where's your sense of humor? -I don't know.
What, come on. I promise you it's bigger than Vlad's penis.
Mae, congrats!
-You smashed it. -That guy's bad. That's a bad man.
-[Nick] What did he do? -[Mae] We were in the toilet stall...
Pete. Pete, mate, come here.
What do you reckon? Do you want to open on tour for me?
-Oh, what? -Fuck, yeah! Hoo-hoo!
What about Jack?
-No, wait. -It's okay, don't worry about it.
Arnie, you need to leave now.
-Get out of my club. -[snickers]
Aw, come on, mate.
Don't be fucking ridiculous.
[Nick] Oh, you've never seen me ridiculous.
And I'm about to get very fucking ridiculous.
All right. Yeah, whatever.
Fucking grow up.
-Get out. -Shithole, anyway!
Arnie, wait up!
-Idiot. -[Mae] Thank you.
-You didn't have to do that. -[Nick] He's a fucking clown, man.
Sorry, um... I should tell you that George was here.
What?
-Well, she didn't see my set, did she? -Yeah, she did.
Oh, fuck.
Hey.
Those were just jokes.
That was just jokes.
Mae, I need to ask you a question.
What are these, and where did you get them?
Um...
I found them at the hospital.
And then I've taken a few of them to sleep
-when I've been anxious. -Okay, um...
I need to ask you something else.
Do I make you happy?
Um...
Well, I'm in love with you.
That's not what I asked you.
Do I make you happy?
Does being around me make you feel good about yourself?
[gasps]
Like, not really.
But who cares? That's not what being in love is.
-That's not-- -What is it then? Is it, um...
something that you crave, but you can't give up
despite having negative consequences?
Oh, don't do that.
-Mae. -That's not... fair.
Is it true what you said?
That you don't wear colors anymore?
I mean, that's like the saddest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life.
What am I meant to do?
Your sobriety, your gender identity.
Is there anything that isn't my responsibility?
Global warming, is that my fault?
I don't know. Are you dating the ice caps?
-Mae. -Okay, um...
Is it true that no matter how good I am,
it won't be enough?
Enough for what?
We live together, I've told my friends.
-I've changed my life. -Enough for the long haul.
Like, no matter how good this is,
there's a time limit on it.
Mae, I haven't even had a minute to think about that.
Okay? Yeah, I grew up
wanting all of these things, like kids, Mae.
Kids and marriage--
I want those things too.
I know, I know you do, and--
And you deserve it all.
You deserve to be so happy and confident.
It's fine. I'm fine.
-Let's just talk about something else. -It's not fine.
You're taking sleeping pills
because you're so anxious that you're not Jason Statham.
I mean, what's next?
So you just start shooting up?
Because I'm not posting enough pictures on Instagram?
Why haven't you posted any pictures of us on Instagram?
You've never even retweeted one of my tweets.
I can't.
I can't do this.
Oh, man.
Are you--
Are you breaking up with me?
I don't-- I don't know, yeah. Yeah, I think so.
I'm really-- I'm so sorry.
Oh, man.
I'm sorry, Mae.
But you told me you loved me first.
You said it first.
That was the best moment of my life.
You told me to move in with you.
I know, I know.
Oh, my God.
I'm so embarrassed.
Embarrassed? Why, Mae? I should be embarrassed.
I'm embarrassed.
I let myself think that someone like you could be with someone like me.
I'm not a boy.
I'm not even a girl.
I'm like a failed version of both.
Why am I such a freak?
Mae, though I make you feel like that, it's not true.
It's not true. You're a thousand times better than me.
Maybe you'll name one of your kids after me.
Okay, I'm sorry, Mae. I can't do this.
Do you want me to go?
I don't know. No, I'll go.
Oh my God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Yeah, I'll go.
Well, okay. Where will you go? Will you go to Nick's?
[Mae] I don't know.
Mae, will you be okay?
Mae, please. Can you just come here?
Can you come here?
Mae, please, please.
Mae.
[crying]
[ballad playing]
Oh, no.
Oh, my God.
[sobbing] Oh, no.
♪ I'll be the first to fall ♪
♪ Give me an offer unofferable ♪
[door creaks]
♪ Imagine the warmth ♪
♪ In those tiny hands ♪
♪ That held onto a penance ♪
♪ I didn't deserve ♪