1 00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:17,809 Welcome back to the amped-up brain 2 00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:20,770 of Sherman Oaks' favorite little try-hard, Ben Gross. 3 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:24,149 I am Andy Samberg, and I'll once again be your guide 4 00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:26,735 to this kid's complicated interior life. 5 00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:31,114 Feel free to check your coats at the door, folks, because our boy has no chill. 6 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:32,991 Let's go. 7 00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:35,201 Indeed, Ben, let us go. 8 00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:37,454 ♪ Drink the blood ♪ 9 00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:39,177 ♪ No bitterness, just sweet ♪ 10 00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,248 ♪ This disco ball... ♪ 11 00:00:40,331 --> 00:00:41,958 All right, crunch time. 12 00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:43,500 You got this. 13 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,360 Ever since he was little, 14 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,214 Ben had wanted to go to Columbia, just like his father had. 15 00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:52,260 But he knew that the only way to make sure he'd get in 16 00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:54,179 was to become an academic machine. 17 00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:56,097 ♪ You flicker then you're gone ♪ 18 00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:59,100 Time for breakfast, my little prince. 19 00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:01,019 No time, Patty. I gotta get to school. 20 00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:03,354 You cannot think if you do not eat. 21 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:07,025 You need to fuel that big, handsome brain of yours. 22 00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:09,152 It's okay. I'll just eat a jerky stick on the way. 23 00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:11,571 While your parents are in Arizona, 24 00:01:11,654 --> 00:01:15,366 I am in charge, and you are working too hard. 25 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:17,577 You must slow down. 26 00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,829 I can't. There's too much at stake. 27 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,207 Plus, people aren't rooting for rich kids anymore. 28 00:01:22,290 --> 00:01:25,585 We're in a post Operation Varsity Blues society, Patty. 29 00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:28,254 My dad can't just buy my way onto an Ivy League crew team 30 00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:29,631 like in the old days. 31 00:01:29,714 --> 00:01:32,008 I'm sure he didn't really mean it like that. 32 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:35,345 He knows bribing your way into college is wrong. I hope. 33 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,388 ♪ Party like a human ♪ 34 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:50,193 Hey, watch where you're going, dumbass. 35 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:52,528 What'd you just call me? 36 00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:55,824 Nothin'. I... I was just talking to myself. 37 00:01:57,992 --> 00:01:59,994 Time to go to class, dumbass. 38 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,456 Okay. 39 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,017 - What's up? - You look hungry. 40 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:07,627 - Do I? - Yes. Get him. Get him. 41 00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:10,004 - Come on. - That doesn't even seem fun. 42 00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,841 Who needs developmentally crucial male bonding 43 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:16,219 when you've got an A-plus diorama of the Irish Potato Famine. 44 00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:18,930 Wow, that sentence made me sad. 45 00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,516 ♪ Oh my God ♪ 46 00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,244 ♪ I've been looking for another solace... ♪ 47 00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,268 Too easy. 48 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:27,814 ♪ We could spend a very, very long time ♪ 49 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:30,984 ♪ I've been looking for my old teacher ♪ 50 00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,069 ♪ Dreams and sleep, here we are ♪ 51 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,071 ♪ They say, "No way" We say, "Let's play" 52 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,198 ♪ I'm looking for the wizard ♪ 53 00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:43,204 ♪ We believe in you ♪ 54 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:44,497 ♪ We believe in ♪ 55 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,499 ♪ We believe in ♪ 56 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,085 ♪ We believe in you ♪ 57 00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:56,509 I wanted to help you out, 58 00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:59,762 but not as much as I wanted to see those books fall. 59 00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:08,513 Ben Gross. 60 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:10,815 There you are. 61 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:12,525 We need to talk. 62 00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:15,737 I just found out that you're taking ten classes. 63 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:16,738 That's crazy. 64 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:18,823 You need to drop two classes immediately. 65 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:19,991 What? No. 66 00:03:20,074 --> 00:03:22,035 This is the second semester of junior year. 67 00:03:22,118 --> 00:03:24,954 I can't slow down now. I mean, it's almost D-Day, baby. 68 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,748 Do not call me "baby." 69 00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:28,917 Sorry. It just sort of rolled out of my mouth. 70 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:32,712 Look, Ben, your schedule is untenable. You don't have a lunch period anymore. 71 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:35,423 I don't need a lunch period. I have a system. 72 00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:38,092 Mm-hmm, yes, I've seen you with your meat sticks. 73 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:41,179 Look, you have until tomorrow to drop two classes or I will drop them. 74 00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:42,138 You can't do this. 75 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,474 I already did, baby. 76 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,935 Mr. Hall-Yoshida! 77 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,231 I'm still waiting on that college essay. 78 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,983 Yep, I'm on it. I'm basically done. 79 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,860 Oh, so you'll be sending it over tonight? 80 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:56,945 Totally. 81 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,988 You told me that yesterday, and I got nothing. 82 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,740 Probably went to spam. 83 00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:02,951 Don't lie to my face, little boy. 84 00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:04,869 Get me that essay. 85 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:06,746 - You got it. - Mm-hmm. 86 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:12,502 And why are you still standing here? Don't you have a class to get to? 87 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:20,426 All right, another fun group project this week. 88 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:25,139 You're gonna create presentations based on the next few units in your syllabus 89 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:27,558 and then teach those units to the class. 90 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:31,980 Wait. Are you asking us to make lesson plans and then teach them? 91 00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,064 Isn't that your job? 92 00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:35,400 That's a lot of nit-picking from you, Devi. 93 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,904 Who do you think you are, my wife? Sorry. Ex-wife. 94 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,468 If it wasn't clear already, 95 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,700 Mr. Brighton was going through an acrimonious divorce, 96 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,952 and he wasn't handling it well. 97 00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:48,913 Um, get into groups of three. 98 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:50,775 Shouldn't be that hard to choose. 99 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:53,376 It's like how my two sons chose their mother. 100 00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,086 So, you wanna team up? 101 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,524 You're the only person in class who hates group projects as much as I do. 102 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,009 Yeah. My last group partner transferred classes 103 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:04,053 because he claimed my emails were "violently smug." 104 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:07,015 Oh, look who it is. 105 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:11,561 Two of my closest friends in school, Crazy Devi and, uh, this dude. 106 00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:14,731 Trent, are you trying to be in our group just so you can get an A? 107 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,482 How dare you suggest that? 108 00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:19,610 I was coming over to say hey and to inquire about your well-being. 109 00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:23,156 You can be in our group if you use your fake ID to buy us beer whenever we want. 110 00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:24,239 Deal. 111 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:25,782 All right. 112 00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:30,705 Uh, I have some free time between 1:15 and 2:00 a.m. tonight to work on this. 113 00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,541 - That good for you guys? - Are you out of your mind? 114 00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:35,376 We're not operating on your psycho schedule. 115 00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,500 Both of you guys just come to my house after school. 116 00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:40,089 No, I can't. That's when I Zoom with my Mandarin teacher. 117 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:43,801 Okay. Trent will do your section, and I'll just put your name on it. 118 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:44,885 No. 119 00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:46,095 I'll be there. 120 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,764 Hmm. 121 00:05:48,389 --> 00:05:50,269 I've never gotten so close to having to do work. 122 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,518 Okay, looks like Ben's overbooked afternoon 123 00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:54,270 was now even more overbooked. 124 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:56,314 But if anyone could do it, 125 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,359 Ben could. 126 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:02,070 Yeesh! You okay, little dude? 127 00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:10,495 Okay. We have to cover chapter six, Circular Motion and Gravitation. 128 00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:11,579 With all dude respect, 129 00:06:11,662 --> 00:06:14,040 I can't do that chapter because of religious reasons. 130 00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:18,961 My belief system does not include a "round" Earth. 131 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:22,006 Trent, how are you in AP physics? 132 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,466 I just signed up. 133 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:25,343 I figured if I'm gonna get a D anyway, 134 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:29,222 why not get a D in an AP class because it basically counts as a C. 135 00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,932 That's actually not that bad of a plan. 136 00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:33,393 It's certainly better than the one you're working with now. 137 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:35,436 It's actually not, because I do have an F. 138 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,729 What's wrong with my plan? 139 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,357 - It's insane. - Because I'm taking ten classes? 140 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,444 No, I'm taking eleven classes, but three of them are bullshit electives. 141 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:46,114 Two arts and a class that's a nature walk once a week. 142 00:06:46,197 --> 00:06:49,385 - My homework was to pick up an acorn. - You think that'll get you into Princeton? 143 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,369 How much you smoking on the nature walks? 144 00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:54,414 They might look at my résumé and see a couple of easy A's, 145 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:57,708 but it still will be better than when you get a bunch of B's. 146 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,919 How dare you? I would never get a B. 147 00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:02,713 You will if you keep grinding away at your bonkers schedule. 148 00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:06,884 I am really looking forward to becoming Valedictorian 149 00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:10,847 and looking at you sitting alphabetically with the rest of the losers at graduation. 150 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,306 Over my dead bu... 151 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:15,643 Did you just say, "Over my dead butt"? 152 00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:17,520 I love that. Can I steal that from you? 153 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:18,729 Devi, what... 154 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:23,025 Devi, what did I tell you about closing the door when boys are here? 155 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:26,946 You do not have to worry about these two. They barely register as boys to me. 156 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:31,576 God. Fine. Rhyah's coming over for dinner. Will you be joining us? 157 00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:33,995 Ugh! No, thanks. I'll just eat some frozen crap later. 158 00:07:47,341 --> 00:07:49,510 All right, guys, I'll compile our work together 159 00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,845 and send it over to Ben 160 00:07:50,928 --> 00:07:53,931 because obviously, you have a better printing situation. 161 00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:56,642 I will buy more black ink when we use up all the cyan. 162 00:07:56,726 --> 00:08:00,062 Trent and Ben, you both are more than welcome to join if you'd like. 163 00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,857 I wish I could, but I have six more hours of homework. 164 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,359 Damn, six hours of homework? 165 00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,571 Are you in medical school? 166 00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,199 - It's you. - Hey, Devi. 167 00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:13,534 Who the dick is this? 168 00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:15,536 And why is she looking at him like that? 169 00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,955 Hey, Andy, John McEnroe here. 170 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:19,373 Let me clarify. 171 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:22,543 That's Des, and the reason why Ben doesn't remember him 172 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:26,297 is because while Devi and Des were doing this at Trent's party, 173 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,300 your boy was doing this. 174 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,223 Oh, right, the cousin who wasn't a cousin. 175 00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:39,185 Yeah, we were a bit a-durnk that night. 176 00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:41,729 Mom, can I steal you for a moment? 177 00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:48,587 - Why didn't you tell me we had guests? - I did, 30 minutes ago. 178 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:51,364 But you didn't tell me her son was coming too. God! 179 00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:54,951 In this moment, Ben forgot about his mountain of homework. 180 00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:58,955 The only thing that mattered was seeing what the vibe was between these two. 181 00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:01,874 You know what? I'd actually love to stay for dinner. 182 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,543 It smells amazing. 183 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,711 - Aw. - No doy. 184 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,297 The cardamom is frickin' aromatic, bro. 185 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,007 Hmm. 186 00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:13,261 So, Des, what a fun surprise seeing you. 187 00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,428 What you been up to? 188 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,389 Maybe camping in the woods with no service? 189 00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:18,140 Or doing a tech cleanse in Joshua Tree? 190 00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,476 Oh, I wish he would do a tech cleanse. 191 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,979 This kid is nonstop texting all day long. 192 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:26,023 Wow. Nonstop texting? 193 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:27,900 - Fascinating. - Is it? 194 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:32,446 Well, sometimes my texts don't go through because service is spotty and stuff. 195 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:33,406 Hmm. 196 00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:34,907 Yikes. 197 00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,701 Now Ben was getting the picture, 198 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,120 and his pangs of jealousy were turning to pity 199 00:09:39,203 --> 00:09:43,165 knowing Devi had been ditched by yet another pretty dummy. 200 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,126 Oh, we got big news today. 201 00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:47,396 - Desi, tell Nalini Auntie. - Mom, come on, I don't need... 202 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,298 Okay, fine. If you don't want to brag about yourself, then I will. 203 00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:53,050 Des got into Stanford early. 204 00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:55,571 And now we're back to jealousy. 205 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:56,679 Are you all right, Ben? 206 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:59,223 Food shouldn't be too spicy. I added milk to yours. 207 00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:01,183 Oh, no, I'm... I'm okay. 208 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:10,526 So, how about that dinner last night? Someone seemed a little thirsty. 209 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,403 Yeah. You. 210 00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:14,446 When you found out that Des was going to Stanford, 211 00:10:14,488 --> 00:10:16,449 you were like trying so hard to one-up him. 212 00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,617 Mmm, no, I wasn't. 213 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,828 Yeah, you were. You started speaking to him in Mandarin out of nowhere. 214 00:10:20,911 --> 00:10:21,996 Mm, I don't remember that. 215 00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:23,747 Mmm. 216 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,667 I filmed it so I can make fun of you later. 217 00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:31,505 You don't speak Mandarin? That's surprising. 218 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:34,276 Everyone really should speak it with how globalized the world is becoming. 219 00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:39,013 Whatever. So what's your deal with him? Do you, like, like him or something? 220 00:10:39,096 --> 00:10:42,558 Mmm, I dunno. Do we talk about people we like now with each other? 221 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,934 Yeah, why not? 222 00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:47,271 I mean, you see me plowing my way through half the girls at school. 223 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:50,566 Hmm. Okay. Well, it's weird. 224 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,028 He asked me for my number, and then I never heard from him again. 225 00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:56,781 But last night, he was a little flirty, right? 226 00:10:56,864 --> 00:10:58,616 - With his mom? Yes. - Ben! 227 00:10:58,699 --> 00:11:00,326 Yeah, maybe there was a vibe there. 228 00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:02,745 But it was hard to tell with how lame you were being. 229 00:11:02,828 --> 00:11:05,828 "I don't know if I'm gonna apply to Stanford. We'll see if it's a good fit." 230 00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:09,085 Let's be clear. You'd give 1,000 HJs to go to Stanford. 231 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:12,922 Do you want me to smack that meat tube out of your tiny hands and beat you with it? 232 00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:16,425 Fine. You want my advice? Stop trying so hard. 233 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,470 - Just be yourself and ask him out. - Really? 234 00:11:19,553 --> 00:11:22,640 Yeah. What do you have to lose? Certainly not your dignity. 235 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:31,023 Okay, guys, the moment has come. 236 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:34,402 Turn in your essays on how you will use calculus in real life. 237 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:38,989 Wait, what? 238 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,867 We did an essay in math? That doesn't even make sense. 239 00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:44,203 It does make sense if you're a public school teacher 240 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:46,497 who's been disrespected for almost three decades. 241 00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:48,374 Ben had missed this assignment 242 00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:51,544 because he had started listening to an audiobook of King Lear 243 00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:53,129 midway through yesterday's class. 244 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,756 Pointless? Well, that is it. 245 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:59,969 You'll all be writing an essay explaining how you use calculus in real life. 246 00:12:01,512 --> 00:12:03,639 I missed it. Can I get it to you tomorrow? 247 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,475 Calculus not a priority for you, Ben? 248 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,061 Maybe you want to spend your time on more practical subjects 249 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,439 like personal finance or health? 250 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:12,523 No, I just... 251 00:12:12,606 --> 00:12:15,401 Guess what, Ben? You get a zero on this assignment. 252 00:12:15,484 --> 00:12:18,195 A zero? No, but if I get a zero on this essay, 253 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,656 - that will bring my grade down to a... - B. 254 00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:24,660 Okay, so, Savannah, you're the one who said, quote, 255 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:28,080 "It's hella pointless to learn this wack-ass math I'll never use." 256 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,750 So, why don't you read your essay first? 257 00:12:31,333 --> 00:12:34,587 The worst had happened. Ben had gotten a B. 258 00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:38,299 His GPA would be pulled down to the disgusting upper fours. 259 00:12:38,382 --> 00:12:39,925 But he couldn't even focus on that 260 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:43,471 because something extraordinarily painful was happening to his insides. 261 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,393 Oh, hey, you okay? 262 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,730 I think my appendix burst. I gotta go to the hospital. 263 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,482 Oh shit. 264 00:12:56,567 --> 00:13:00,112 Can you please carry me in a less emasculating way? 265 00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:03,365 Radiology tech 165 to OR3. 266 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,702 Radiology tech 165 to OR3. 267 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,954 Well, Mr. Gross, it's not appendicitis. 268 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,414 It's not? Are you sure? 269 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:13,125 Where'd you do your residency? Are you still doing it? 270 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:17,296 I'm going to ignore that series of questions and cut to the chase. 271 00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,840 It appears the pain you're experiencing 272 00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:23,093 is the result of impacted fecal matter in your colon. 273 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,847 Most likely caused by stress and poor diet. 274 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:27,931 Excuse me? 275 00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:31,685 W-Wait. So, like, he's full of shit? 276 00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,480 Yes, I guess you could put it that way. 277 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:37,566 Yeah, not really a diagnosis you want to get 278 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,568 in front of the most popular kid at your school. 279 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:42,947 When was the last time you had a bowel movement? 280 00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:46,575 Uh, I don't think it's been that long, like, if today's Thursday... 281 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:48,744 Sixteen days? 282 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,371 - Oh my God. - Oh my God. 283 00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:54,291 Okay, due to the frankly incredible volume of waste in your body, 284 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,585 we will need to perform a surgical procedure 285 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,837 to remove it immediately. 286 00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,381 Wait. What am I supposed to do? My parents are in Phoenix. 287 00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:03,926 My dad's helping Devin Booker launch his new skincare line called NBAgeless. 288 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:07,888 I know. I contacted your parents, and they referred me to your babysitter, 289 00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,850 Patty Shevchenko, but we haven't been able to reach her. 290 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,852 Is there another adult who can stay with you? 291 00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,896 Um, I'm 18. 292 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:19,984 I can stay while you empty the shit from him. 293 00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:24,280 If there is a just and merciful God, just kill Ben. 294 00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:25,865 Kill him now. 295 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,034 Mr. Gross. 296 00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:34,123 Mr. Gross, it was a successful procedure. 297 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:35,207 How do you feel? 298 00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,295 Good. I think. 299 00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:43,549 Now we just need you and your adult friend to wait here until you pass gas. 300 00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:46,510 And the humiliation keeps a-coming. 301 00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,804 It's standard. Just so we know your GI tract 302 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,556 is functioning properly post-op. 303 00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:53,392 So how big a fart we talking here, Doc? 304 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,853 Like a real sheet rustler? 305 00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:58,480 Always a pleasure dealing with teen boys. 306 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,276 Well, this is mortifying. 307 00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:05,108 You know, I kinda thought getting cheated on by Devi 308 00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:07,156 would've been the end of our journey together. 309 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,533 Yeah. Yet, here we are. 310 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:10,993 Waiting for your farts. 311 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,498 So, how is Devi? 312 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:18,834 She's good, I guess. 313 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,754 Actually, she kind of has this new guy now, 314 00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:25,674 and weirdly he's sort of a combo of the two of us if we were also Indian. 315 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,679 I always wondered how she liked both of us at the same time. 316 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,265 You know, because we're so different. 317 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,935 Yeah, you're a cool hunk, and I'm a friendless dweeb. I get it. 318 00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,937 No, I... I didn't mean it like that. 319 00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,982 I actually used to be kinda jealous of you. 320 00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,484 Huh? Why? 321 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,694 Because you're smart like she is. 322 00:15:46,236 --> 00:15:49,198 That's, like, a connection I could never have. 323 00:15:49,907 --> 00:15:50,907 Yeah, well, 324 00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,827 being smart isn't all that it's cracked up to be. 325 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,913 You probably don't go to the hospital very often 326 00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:57,915 with stress-induced constipation. 327 00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:01,085 No, I definitely don't. 328 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:06,048 So, why are you so stressed out? 329 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:08,634 Oh, I don't know. Maybe because my entire life trajectory 330 00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:10,757 is determined by the outcome of the next six months. 331 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:14,890 Are you talking about college? Dude, you'll get into college. 332 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,142 I don't want to get into just any college. 333 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:20,980 I want to go to Columbia, and I'm not sure if I can get in. 334 00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:23,190 So then you don't get in. Who cares? 335 00:16:23,273 --> 00:16:24,274 No, not "who cares?" 336 00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:26,694 - I have to get in. - Or what? 337 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:29,196 Or all this work was for nothing. My future is ruined, 338 00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:32,700 and I disappoint myself, and my family, and, you know, my dad. 339 00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:35,202 This is all about your dad? 340 00:16:35,869 --> 00:16:37,579 Dude, tell him to go to hell. 341 00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:41,166 You work so hard, you haven't had time to shit in two weeks. 342 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,419 If I was your dad, I'd be proud of you. 343 00:16:44,753 --> 00:16:47,214 Not because of the not shitting part 344 00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:49,758 but because of the hardworking part. 345 00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:54,013 Thanks. Let's change the subject. What are you working on? 346 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,223 Ugh. This stupid college essay. 347 00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:58,100 The question sucks. 348 00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,186 "Discuss an event that shaped you into who you are." 349 00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,498 I just... I don't know how to answer it. 350 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,649 Hmm. Do you not know what an event is? 351 00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,735 What the fuck, man? 352 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,778 I know what an event is, dude. 353 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,114 I just... 354 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,035 I don't really know who I am. 355 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,798 Gimme a break. What do you mean you don't know who you are? 356 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,373 You're the only person at our school who's not a nobody. 357 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:23,500 The lunch ladies named a dessert after you. 358 00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:26,962 Yeah, that's all surface stuff. That's not who I am. 359 00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,923 Okay. Then who are you? 360 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:31,050 I don't know. 361 00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:34,219 Like, I think I'm someone... 362 00:17:35,679 --> 00:17:38,057 Forget it. This is embarrassing. 363 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:42,144 You can't possibly embarrass yourself more than I have tonight, so get over it. 364 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,646 What do you know is true about yourself? 365 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:47,691 I mean, I'm a really good brother. 366 00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:51,820 Maybe I could talk about when my sister was adopted. I... 367 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:55,074 Wait, you have an adopted sister? That's essay gold. 368 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,242 Okay. Why don't you start making a list 369 00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:59,745 of all the ways that she's helped you learn about yourself? 370 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:03,082 Come on. I can... help you. 371 00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:10,214 And so, after a humiliating afternoon, 372 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:11,924 things started to look up. 373 00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:14,968 Not only did Ben finally get some much-needed male bonding, 374 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:18,138 but also his fart arrived quietly in the night, 375 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:21,058 rustling nary a sheet nor a nostril. 376 00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:29,899 Hey, champ. 377 00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:36,365 Dad? Why aren't you in Arizona? 378 00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:38,117 Because my kid was in the hospital. 379 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,118 You okay? 380 00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:41,954 Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right. 381 00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:44,373 The doctor said this was caused by stress. 382 00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,668 Sounds like you might be a workaholic like your old man. 383 00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:48,751 Yeah. 384 00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:52,297 But, um, actually, 385 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:54,341 I don't think I want to be. 386 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,303 Dad, I'm gonna scale my schedule back, 387 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,974 but that also might hurt my chances of getting into Columbia. 388 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,852 And I know how much that means to you. 389 00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:06,853 You know, 390 00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:12,192 half the reason I've worked so hard my whole life 391 00:19:12,901 --> 00:19:15,487 was to make my dad proud of me. 392 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,575 I mean, he's been dead 30 years, 393 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:22,452 and I'm still trying to impress the son of a bitch. 394 00:19:23,787 --> 00:19:26,373 Ben, I'm proud of you. 395 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,709 Wherever you go to college, 396 00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:31,211 whatever you do in this life, 397 00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:32,880 I'm proud of you. 398 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,548 Come on, Dad. 399 00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:35,631 No, I mean it. 400 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:37,926 And I want you to hear it. 401 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:42,139 I know I haven't always been the best dad, 402 00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:46,560 but this is where I can be better than mine. 403 00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:50,355 You are a brilliant boy. 404 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,358 And I really love you. 405 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,069 I love you too, Dad. 406 00:19:57,112 --> 00:20:00,407 Finally, Ben heard the words he'd been longing to hear. 407 00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:03,577 And for the first time since probably preschool, 408 00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,329 he didn't feel stressed at all. 409 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:12,211 The next day, Ben was lighter in more ways than one. 410 00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:13,837 Morning, Principal Grubbs. 411 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:17,257 I've decided to drop AP Calculus BC and statistics. 412 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,467 Good. 413 00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,261 I'm so glad you came to your senses. 414 00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:25,432 Ben finally realized that Columbia was not the end-all be-all. 415 00:20:25,515 --> 00:20:29,353 Would it be okay if I added an elective though? Maybe art studio? 416 00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,480 But he was still going to apply. 417 00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:32,606 Fine. 418 00:20:33,106 --> 00:20:35,108 Paxton! Oh! 419 00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,570 Great job on the essay. 420 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:39,654 Very moving. 421 00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:42,783 I didn't know you could actually be so deep. 422 00:20:42,866 --> 00:20:43,866 I cried. 423 00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:46,245 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 424 00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:54,670 Hey. 425 00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:55,796 Oh, hey. 426 00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,507 Guess what? Des and I are going on a date. 427 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:02,886 - Wow. Did you blackmail him or something? - Even worse. I took your advice. 428 00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:06,682 I texted him and asked him if he wanted to get FroYo sometime, and he said yes. 429 00:21:07,307 --> 00:21:09,643 So, while it pains me to say this, 430 00:21:10,143 --> 00:21:10,978 thank you. 431 00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:14,022 This would normally prompt a twinge of jealousy in Ben, 432 00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:16,275 but if last night taught him anything, 433 00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:19,111 it was that he needed to let go of whatever caused him pain. 434 00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:20,404 Do you wanna sit down? 435 00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:23,657 No. I'm just grabbing a soda before class. 436 00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:26,910 You know, I hope you don't blow it with that guy, David. 437 00:21:26,994 --> 00:21:28,370 He could be your meal ticket. 438 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:31,790 He wishes. I'm gonna be the first ethical billionaire, like Rihanna. 439 00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:33,250 No such thing. 440 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:38,964 What the hell? 441 00:21:39,047 --> 00:21:41,675 Yo, I heard you helped my best friend last night. 442 00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:45,804 Um... 443 00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:49,891 Any friend of my friend is also my friend. 444 00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:51,435 Oh, it's cool, Trent. 445 00:21:51,518 --> 00:21:53,687 Noice. Wanna hang with us? 446 00:21:53,770 --> 00:21:55,272 Like with you and the Hot Pocket? 447 00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,066 - I don't know what that is. - Oh, it's, uh... 448 00:21:59,192 --> 00:22:01,069 Never mind. Yeah, sure. 449 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:02,446 All right, come on. 450 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,949 And while Ben's future was still undecided, 451 00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:09,369 he was presently enjoying his youth for once. 452 00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:12,080 All right, McEnroe, get back in here. 453 00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:15,208 Vacation's over, you handsome son of a bitch.