1
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,926
Obviously, I'd love to work for you,

2
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,971
and I appreciate you taking the time
to meet with me.

3
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:16,349
I... I feel good about it.
I hope I didn't do too much talking.

4
00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:17,475
No, you were great.

5
00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,102
You were great.
[giggles]

6
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:22,939
-I hope to hear from you soon.
-We'll be in touch.

7
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:24,190
Really nice meeting you.

8
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:25,817
Nice to meet you as well.

9
00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:26,985
Okay.

10
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:30,321
[door clicks]

11
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:31,531
Oh!

12
00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:33,116
Looks like you push.

13
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,744
Oh, it does both.

14
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,454
-What?
-It does both.

15
00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:40,582
I was here yesterday,
and it actually goes both ways.

16
00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:43,418
Oh, okay.

17
00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:46,796
Okay, see you.

18
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,091
[menacing music playing]

19
00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:52,927
[creaking]

20
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:00,977
[creaking]

21
00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:05,356
[grinding]

22
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,738
[creaking continuing]

23
00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:18,578
[loud creaking]

24
00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:21,539
[climactic music building]

25
00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:30,381
[man] See?

26
00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:33,760
Hope to hear from you soon.

27
00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:37,597
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart
In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

28
00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:45,647
Have you been the victim of unfair
treatment by a business or a corporation?

29
00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:46,898
Has this ever happened to you?

30
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:49,192
You bought a house,
it was not disclosed to you

31
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:52,320
that there was a termite infestation
in the walls and in the moldings,

32
00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:53,988
so you have to take it upon yourself

33
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,449
to call your own
termite extermination company,

34
00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:58,243
but when the guys show up,

35
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:00,286
they immediately ask
if they can use your bathroom,

36
00:02:00,870 --> 00:02:04,332
then for over two hours,
they take turns going in and out of there,

37
00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:07,127
taking huge mud pies and over-flushing?

38
00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,295
Then they go in there together,

39
00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:11,881
and you hear a bunch of scrounging around,

40
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,716
and then you hear a bunch of yelling,

41
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,636
and one of them is standing
in the bathroom doorway shouting at you

42
00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:18,721
that his friend's foot's
stuck in the toilet,

43
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:21,391
and he says,
"Help him! You got to help him!"

44
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,059
And when you go in there to help him,

45
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:26,813
he just pulls it out easily and laughs
'cause his foot wasn't stuck.

46
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:29,607
It wasn't stuck at all,
he was just faking it.

47
00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:32,485
And then they get really serious and say,
"It's Turbo time!"

48
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,655
And they both start running around
the house as fast as they can

49
00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:37,115
and jumping over the couches.

50
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,909
But when you try and jump in,
they yell at you and they say,

51
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:43,246
"You're not part
of the Turbo Team! Don't run!

52
00:02:43,746 --> 00:02:46,749
You don't run with us!
We're the ones who run!

53
00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,127
Until you're part of this Turbo Team,

54
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:52,172
walk... slowly!"

55
00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:55,758
So you go and lay down
to be by yourself and read your art books,

56
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,886
but then the next day,
you went into the bathroom, 

57
00:02:57,969 --> 00:03:00,722
and it looked like the hole
in your toilet had shrunk.

58
00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:03,474
"How could that be? There's no way 
they could have shrunk the toilet."

59
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,894
But then you saw in the trash 

60
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,478
a receipt from Home Depot

61
00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:10,857
for a toilet the exact same size as yours,

62
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,693
but with a joke hole
that's just for farts!

63
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,238
They replaced your real toilet
with a fart toilet,

64
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:19,741
and now you can't take
a dump in your house

65
00:03:19,824 --> 00:03:21,576
'cause your toilet can't suck 'em down,

66
00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,369
and you feel sick to your stomach!

67
00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:24,829
Has that ever happened to you?!

68
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:26,998
Call me right now, please.

69
00:03:27,081 --> 00:03:29,417
["Blending Soul" by Soul Blenders playing]

70
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,296
[applause]

71
00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:39,427
[crooning]
♪ Who will be the Baby of the Year? ♪

72
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:40,678
♪ Look at their rolls ♪

73
00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:42,347
♪ Look at their folds ♪

74
00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:45,642
♪ Look at their rummy, bummy tummies ♪

75
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:48,436
♪ Heads are round
Bellies are squishy ♪

76
00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:49,604
[in hard rock style]
♪ Look at their toes ♪

77
00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:51,648
♪ Like so many curled canned shrimp ♪

78
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,066
[crooning] ♪ Are they ticklish? ♪

79
00:03:53,149 --> 00:03:54,275
♪ Are they jigglish? ♪

80
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:57,445
♪ Can they be tricked?
Can they be chucked? ♪

81
00:03:57,528 --> 00:03:58,780
♪ Which ones will move? ♪

82
00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:00,114
♪ Which ones will talk? ♪

83
00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:04,118
♪ But more important
Which ones can dance? ♪

84
00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:11,167
♪ Oh, who will be Baby of the Year? ♪

85
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,003
[cheering and applause]

86
00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:17,340
[host] Thank you.

87
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,175
Welcome back.

88
00:04:19,467 --> 00:04:20,969
It's been a grueling three months,

89
00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:22,220
but we've narrowed it down

90
00:04:22,303 --> 00:04:25,014
-to three chubby little babies.
-[applause]

91
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:28,142
From Salisbury, North Carolina,
Michael Patrick Porkins.

92
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:29,936
[cheering and applause]

93
00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:33,231
From Luverne, North Dakota,

94
00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:35,108
little Taffy Lee Fubbins.

95
00:04:35,191 --> 00:04:37,193
[applause]

96
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:42,031
And the bad boy of the competition,
Bart Harley Jarvis.

97
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,034
-[hard rock music playing]
-[audience booing]

98
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,869
Fuck you, Harley Jarvis!

99
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,246
-[booing]
-Fuck you, Harley Jarvis!

100
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,623
Get her out! Goddamn it!

101
00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:52,875
[clears throat]

102
00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:55,461
Judges, do you need any more information
to help with your decision?

103
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,922
I have firmly made up my mind.

104
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,716
I would like more information.

105
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,427
-I'm a wreck right now.
-I understand.

106
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,053
This is a hard decision.

107
00:05:04,595 --> 00:05:07,724
Let's hear once again
from the babies' pediatrician.

108
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:10,018
[applause]

109
00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:11,019
[clears throat]

110
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,981
Baby Porkins is 99th percentile

111
00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:18,026
in weight and 10th percentile in height.

112
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:19,110
[host chuckles]

113
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,279
We got a certified chode on our hands.

114
00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:22,196
Little tuna can.

115
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:25,491
Baby Fubbins is also
90th percentile in weight.

116
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:26,826
Ooh! Another chode.

117
00:05:27,076 --> 00:05:31,122
Mr. Jarvis is one of the most
aggressive babies I've ever met.

118
00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:32,999
-[audience booing]
-He has a massive underbite

119
00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:35,126
and completely flat back of the head.

120
00:05:35,209 --> 00:05:37,754
I hope you fucking die, Harley Jarvis!

121
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,340
Get... him... out of here!

122
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,925
I'm honestly done.
I don't want to read anymore.

123
00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:46,262
Yeah. Don't let it ruin your day, okay?
You're still a great doctor.

124
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,682
All right, judges, do you need more time?

125
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,768
It's Porkins by a mile.

126
00:05:51,851 --> 00:05:54,228
-[applause]
-The button nose, the apple cheeks...

127
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,105
He's the best baby.

128
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,775
If Taffy Lee Fubbins
isn't the Best Baby of the Year,

129
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,693
I'll kill myself on live TV.

130
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:01,944
Stop saying that.

131
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,280
All right, that... That's it.

132
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,698
I have to get this off my chest.

133
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:11,287
"Earlier today, when I was waiting
to use the private bathroom,

134
00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:13,956
I witnessed
Michael Patrick Porkins' father

135
00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:17,502
performing oral on the mystery judge
of the competition."

136
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:18,544
[audience clamoring]

137
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,174
"I've been conflicted about
whether to say anything,

138
00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:25,385
because I feel like
Michael Patrick Porkins

139
00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,470
could win it even without the oral.

140
00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:29,847
His father didn't need to do the oral."

141
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,849
And that is why this is so tough...

142
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:33,935
for me to tell about the oral.

143
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:35,436
Oh, man, that's a bummer.

144
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,813
Might fuck this whole thing up.

145
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,648
While the judges make their decision,

146
00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:41,234
let's watch our In Memoriam segment.

147
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:42,151
Oh, no.

148
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,113
Calm down, they're old ones.
They don't stay babies forever, idiot.

149
00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,573
-[gentle acoustic music playing]
-Fucking stupid asshole.

150
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,951
Little Denny Doo Dinkins,

151
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:51,994
92, respiratory failure.

152
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,288
Shirley Cratsworth Shane,

153
00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,957
78, car crash.

154
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,292
In Memoriams
don't usually include how they died.

155
00:06:58,376 --> 00:06:59,585
Shut up.

156
00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:01,337
Little Jeffy Jeremy,

157
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,673
96, throat slashed.

158
00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:04,841
God.

159
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,384
-[glass shatters]
-[woman screaming]

160
00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,428
Someone get her!
She's trying to get Jarvis!

161
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:14,475
All right, you know what? This is dumb.
Dump it. Trash it. This one's garbage.

162
00:07:15,309 --> 00:07:16,936
Tiny Dinky Daffy,

163
00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:20,606
92, pancaked by drunk
dump truck driver.

164
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:27,029
["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart
In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

165
00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:31,492
-[camera clicks]
-Let me see it.

166
00:07:33,035 --> 00:07:35,204
-Oh, yeah, that's good. That's great.
-Thank you.

167
00:07:35,496 --> 00:07:37,790
-Thank you. Is it cute?
-Yeah, so cute.

168
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,375
-Send it to me.
-Me too.

169
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,044
Yeah, okay. Sending now.

170
00:07:42,336 --> 00:07:43,171
Okay.

171
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,381
Look what I just posted.

172
00:07:45,631 --> 00:07:47,133
"Brunch with these two dumdums."

173
00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:48,468
[woman 2] Oh, my gosh, so good.

174
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:51,387
Is this good? I said,
"Sunday funday with these idiots."

175
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,806
-Yeah, that's good. That's great. So cute.
-So cute.

176
00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,725
Okay, okay, so cute.
Look what I just posted.

177
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:57,977
"Eating crap with these sacks of shit.

178
00:07:58,060 --> 00:08:00,480
If they died tomorrow,
no one would shed a tear."

179
00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:01,481
So cute?

180
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:02,732
Wait, what the hell?

181
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:05,651
Well, you called me a dumdum,
and she called me an idiot, so...

182
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,321
Yeah, when you post a pic of yourself
where you look really cute,

183
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:10,323
then you have to say something
self-deprecating

184
00:08:10,406 --> 00:08:12,283
so it doesn't look like
you're just bragging.

185
00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:15,119
Oh! Okay... got it.

186
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,537
-Sorry.
-Yeah.

187
00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:19,248
-[clears throat] All right, this is good.
-Okay.

188
00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,167
"Slapping down some pig shit

189
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,920
with these fat fucks,
and I'm the fattest of them all.

190
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:26,422
If I died tomorrow,
no one would shed a tear.

191
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,175
Load my fricking lard carcass
into the mud.

192
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:32,136
No coffin, please,
just wet, wet mud...

193
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,304
bae."

194
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,056
Jesus, Brenda...

195
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:37,892
-You called me a dumdum.
-Right, it's like a term of endearment.

196
00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:41,979
Okay. All right. I got you.

197
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:42,980
-Okay.
-Okay.

198
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:46,150
"Gulping down some pig dicks
with these bags of meat.

199
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,528
Sunday funday with these pig dicks.

200
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,196
Hope nobody gulps us."

201
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:53,115
So are we the pig dicks
or the bags of meat?

202
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:54,075
Let me try another.

203
00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:56,661
"Slurping down fish piss
with these wet chodes.

204
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,622
Total tuna cans.
Put a bullet in their fucking brains

205
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,999
and leave their wet bodies
on the side of the road.

206
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,084
Boo caught me sleeping."

207
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,252
You're not sleeping.

208
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:05,920
-Okay, let me try another one.
-Okay.

209
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:08,214
"Sitting here with two bona fide
pieces of hog shit."

210
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:09,882
-No.
-[woman 2] Basically the same thing.

211
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:13,344
"They're mad 'cause I won Best Hog
at the hog shit snarfing contest,

212
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:15,721
but I'm not mad,
'cause we're all loads of beef,

213
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,181
sitting on the side of a highway

214
00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,267
getting our butts sucked by flies."

215
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:20,977
-I tagged you both in that.
-Why?

216
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,603
Why are you guys bullying me?

217
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:25,773
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

218
00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:29,110
♪ Whoa, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

219
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:31,696
All right, I'm gonna...

220
00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:33,614
-Maybe I'll go for this.
-That could be a good one.

221
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:34,699
-Is this you?
-Yeah.

222
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:38,244
Oh, my... This is perfect.

223
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,037
Babe, we were just talking about

224
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,665
how we needed a new salt and pepper
shaker set. Remember this?

225
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,168
-Thank you. This is incredible.
-[woman] I'm so glad you like it.

226
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,421
There's a gift receipt in case
you want to get something that's...

227
00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,548
Won't need it, 'cause this is perfect.

228
00:09:50,631 --> 00:09:51,799
-Thank you.
-Happy birthday.

229
00:09:51,882 --> 00:09:53,217
[man] Thank you.

230
00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,636
That one's mine.
I forgot to put my name on it.

231
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,846
Cool, all right.

232
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,516
-Cool.
-[gift giver] Yeah, it's a wreath.

233
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,893
The guy at the store
said he has the same one.

234
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:04,145
He said it works great.

235
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:06,772
-Thank you so much, Lev.
-Yeah, there's a gift receipt in there

236
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:09,191
if you want to exchange it
for something that's more you.

237
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,610
Okay, cool. Thanks.

238
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:12,528
But you like it?

239
00:10:13,904 --> 00:10:15,031
I like it, Lev.

240
00:10:16,073 --> 00:10:16,991
Great.

241
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,329
Then give me back the receipt.

242
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,331
What?

243
00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:25,499
Prove it.

244
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,043
You said you like it.

245
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,795
Give me back the gift receipt.

246
00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:32,715
You don't need it anymore.

247
00:10:34,258 --> 00:10:36,510
-Lev, he likes the gift.
-Then he doesn't need the gift receipt.

248
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:38,346
I'm just gonna put all this stuff together

249
00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,473
in the same pile over here,
if that's cool?

250
00:10:41,515 --> 00:10:42,350
Okay.

251
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:45,394
Ooh! I think I know who this is from.

252
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:48,272
If you love it as much as you say you do,

253
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,983
and as much as you have been saying...

254
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:56,030
then it shouldn't be a problem
if I take the receipt back.

255
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:58,616
Okay.

256
00:10:59,158 --> 00:10:59,992
Yeah.

257
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:01,410
Here you go.

258
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:02,328
Jesus.

259
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,456
-Glad you like it. Happy birthday.
-Thanks.

260
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,167
Um, let... Let me open... Who...?

261
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,336
-Oh, that one's ours.
-All right.

262
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:13,464
[laughs]

263
00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:15,966
Are you serious? Firefighter pugs?

264
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:17,677
Honey, we got to put this
up on our fridge.

265
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,595
This is incredible!

266
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,014
-We just thought it was cute.
-And you'd be fine if I ate it?

267
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,394
-Huh?
-The gift receipt.

268
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:28,688
You'd be fine if I ate it?

269
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:30,022
Why would you eat it?

270
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,732
You said you liked the gift.

271
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,901
So you wouldn't have any qualms

272
00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:36,529
if I ate the gift receipt
and it didn't exist anymore.

273
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,155
Right, Rick? Right, Melissa?

274
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:42,243
Uh... I don't have any qualms.

275
00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:44,203
You can eat it if you like.

276
00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:45,162
Awesome.

277
00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:47,832
Down the hatch, bon appétit.

278
00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:58,551
[Melissa] Should we open another gift?

279
00:11:58,634 --> 00:11:59,593
Ye... Yes.

280
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,262
[chuckles] Yes.

281
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,349
Uh, okay, how about this one?

282
00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:07,727
I think I know what's in this one.

283
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,688
Oh, whoa!

284
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:13,649
Hey! I just heard an interview
of this guy!

285
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,693
This is so interesting. Thank you.

286
00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:16,944
[Lev] I hate to do this,

287
00:12:17,194 --> 00:12:20,948
but I'm afraid our gracious host
didn't wipe properly.

288
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,617
What are you talking about?

289
00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:26,454
When you went to the bathroom earlier
to do the mud pie...

290
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,539
you must have used

291
00:12:28,622 --> 00:12:31,917
too small of a slice of toilet paper
when you wiped,

292
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,086
and you got mud pie on your hands,

293
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,796
and then you touched the receipt,

294
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:37,923
and then I ate the receipt,

295
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:41,844
-and now I'm sick off of your mud pie.
-What the hell are you talking about?

296
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,138
You're probably sick 'cause you ate paper,
you fricking psycho.

297
00:12:44,221 --> 00:12:47,016
No, I eat paper all the time!

298
00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,810
What I don't like to make a habit of doing

299
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,061
is eating mud pie!

300
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,272
Why do you even eat paper?!
That doesn't even make sense!

301
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:56,025
Okay, you guys, calm down! This is insane!

302
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,194
There's a simple solution to this.

303
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:02,656
Jacob hasn't touched my gift receipt
because he likes my gift.

304
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,409
So we just have someone else
eat my gift receipt

305
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,244
-and see if they get sick.
-But it can't be Jacob,

306
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:10,623
'cause he's gonna pretend he's not sick
even if it's caked in pure shit.

307
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:11,999
[Melissa] I'll do it.

308
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,084
I'll eat the receipt to solve the problem.

309
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,878
And Jacob doesn't touch it!

310
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:18,339
[woman]
That's right. And if Melissa gets sick,

311
00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:20,591
then that means that paper makes you sick.

312
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:23,385
But if Melissa doesn't get sick,

313
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,346
then that means Lev ate the mud pie.

314
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:28,265
There is no mud pies, okay?

315
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,643
And I genuinely like the gifts.

316
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:31,769
Swear to fucking God?

317
00:13:32,686 --> 00:13:33,646
Yes.

318
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,816
Then let my wife eat the fucking receipt.

319
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,108
[murmuring]

320
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,111
Oka... Okay.

321
00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:44,824
I am now sanitizing my hands.
I have not gone to the bathroom yet today.

322
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:48,327
I took a shower last night
after I took a piss and shit.

323
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,038
Now... someone hand me the receipt.

324
00:13:52,206 --> 00:13:54,625
Jacob, don't you get anywhere near that!

325
00:13:57,294 --> 00:13:58,379
[Melissa inhales deeply]

326
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:05,261
-[Rick] How you doing, honey?
-[Melissa] I feel...

327
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:07,596
fine.

328
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,682
-[partygoers gasp]
-Paper doesn't make you sick on its own.

329
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:11,809
-He used too small a piece.
-Lev's probably not even sick!

330
00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:14,019
-He's probably faking it!
-You son of a bitch!

331
00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,354
[groans in pain]

332
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,439
[Rick] Jacob was lying about the mud pie.

333
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,275
And if he was lying
about something as simple

334
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:20,776
as grabbing too small a slice,

335
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,945
that probably means
he doesn't like the gift either.

336
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,656
-Exactly!
-But you liked my gift, right, Jacob?

337
00:14:25,739 --> 00:14:27,533
-Yes!
-What about Rick and Melissa's?

338
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,703
You piece of shit!

339
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:32,454
-Rick!
-Fuck!

340
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:33,706
Somebody call 911.

341
00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:35,875
-Oh, my God.
-Tell 'em to send an ambulance.

342
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:36,834
Tell 'em it's...

343
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:39,420
the ugly house on Kenmore.

344
00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:43,424
The one where you can see
the KFC sign through their front window.

345
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:45,259
♪ Happy birthday... ♪

346
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:46,844
-[yelling] No!
-♪ ...to you--♪

347
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,889
-Don't let Jacob touch that!
-[partygoers gasp]

348
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,516
Everybody, let's get out of here.

349
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:55,185
This place is covered head-to-toe in shit.

350
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,396
[footsteps]

351
00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:00,733
[sighs]

352
00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:03,110
[Lev] All you had to do...

353
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:05,154
was like the gift...

354
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,366
and not have a big old mud pie
on the bottom of your butt.

355
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:10,534
It's not a big deal.

356
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,287
You had a big mud pie,
you had too small of a slice,

357
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:14,955
then I ate the mud pie,

358
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:17,750
now my stomach's absolutely fucked.

359
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:18,959
[sighs]

360
00:15:20,669 --> 00:15:22,838
Shouldn't have had such a sloppy mud pie.

361
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,173
Get off me, man.

362
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:25,382
Fine!

363
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:29,553
Nobody likes your house anyway.

364
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,765
[melancholic instrumental music playing]

365
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:35,935
You should know...

366
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,396
your wife kissed me on the cheek
when I got here.

367
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:41,565
Now look at you...

368
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:43,317
all alone.

369
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,278
Everybody's going to party at my house.

370
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,073
Happy birthday, Jacob. 

371
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:56,914
I just...

372
00:15:57,873 --> 00:16:00,626
I was just trying not to use
a ton of paper towel.

373
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,003
I just hope Lev's all right.

374
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,714
Okay, you guys, I've got Lev in my car,
so just follow us.

375
00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:11,971
Lev, what's your address?

376
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:15,391
[screams]

377
00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,894
[instrumental music continuing]