1
00:00:12,992 --> 00:00:13,993
[sighs]

2
00:00:19,707 --> 00:00:22,209
-What the fuck did I do?
-[Tulving] Luca.

3
00:00:23,210 --> 00:00:26,297
-Yes, Miss Tulving.
-Just tell me what happened here.

4
00:00:26,881 --> 00:00:31,177
[scoffs] I fucked up.
That's what happened. I fucked up.

5
00:00:31,260 --> 00:00:34,638
I found a guy who looks just like Dave
who can take huge dumps,

6
00:00:34,722 --> 00:00:37,516
so people would think
Dave was taking huge dumps.

7
00:00:38,184 --> 00:00:40,019
-Why did you do that?
-I don't know.

8
00:00:40,561 --> 00:00:44,148
I mean, ultimately,
I guess I wanted people to think

9
00:00:44,231 --> 00:00:46,150
Dave was taking huge, embarrassing dumps.

10
00:00:46,233 --> 00:00:49,195
If I had to come up with a reason,
that would be it.

11
00:00:49,278 --> 00:00:51,947
And honestly, that might be it.

12
00:00:52,031 --> 00:00:54,200
This guy barely looks like Dave.

13
00:00:54,283 --> 00:00:55,201
From the back, he does.

14
00:00:55,284 --> 00:00:58,120
When he hugs the wall and crab walks,
from the back, he does.

15
00:00:58,204 --> 00:01:01,457
With all due respect, it worked 150 times.

16
00:01:01,540 --> 00:01:04,335
Oh, my God.
How long have you been doing this?

17
00:01:04,418 --> 00:01:06,003
What do you want me to do?

18
00:01:06,087 --> 00:01:08,839
Luca, you're gonna have to
start taking this seriously.

19
00:01:08,923 --> 00:01:10,174
[shouting] I am serious, ma'am!

20
00:01:10,257 --> 00:01:12,593
I'm serious as a heart attack!
I didn't do this!

21
00:01:12,676 --> 00:01:15,429
-[in normal voice] What?
-You know what the fucked up part is?

22
00:01:16,013 --> 00:01:18,224
I think part of me wanted to get caught.

23
00:01:18,307 --> 00:01:22,478
I was sick of the cat and mouse game
because, Dave, you're no Tom.

24
00:01:23,312 --> 00:01:26,524
It was just Jerry running around the house
doing whatever he wanted,

25
00:01:26,607 --> 00:01:27,775
sniffing the wife's panties.

26
00:01:27,858 --> 00:01:29,610
I don't think Jerry
ever sniffed anybody's panties.

27
00:01:29,693 --> 00:01:32,988
You weren't with him 24/7 in the cartoon.

28
00:01:33,072 --> 00:01:34,990
You don't think
that a little piece of food

29
00:01:35,074 --> 00:01:37,493
ever got caught in the underwear drawer
and he took a whiff?

30
00:01:37,576 --> 00:01:39,537
Jesus, Luca, come on.

31
00:01:41,622 --> 00:01:44,333
Could I just have a few moments
to collect my thoughts?

32
00:01:49,839 --> 00:01:50,840
[exhales]

33
00:01:56,637 --> 00:01:59,849
[softly] What the hell, dude,
I already told you, "No."

34
00:02:00,850 --> 00:02:02,518
[in normal voice]
Trying to sell my bike stand.

35
00:02:02,601 --> 00:02:04,979
And this guy lives, like, 200 miles away.

36
00:02:05,062 --> 00:02:08,190
He wants to meet me halfway.
I'm like, "Hell, no!"

37
00:02:09,108 --> 00:02:13,154
"No way, dude. You live, like, so far."

38
00:02:13,237 --> 00:02:14,780
"Come to me."

39
00:02:17,408 --> 00:02:20,870
-Luca.
-I think I just need some time at home.

40
00:02:20,953 --> 00:02:24,665
Look inside myself, be with my family
and try new restaurants.

41
00:02:25,416 --> 00:02:29,211
Dave, do you want to speak to
how this has impacted you?

42
00:02:29,295 --> 00:02:31,255
I guess I'm just a little confused.

43
00:02:31,338 --> 00:02:33,883
Well, it's really pretty simple.

44
00:02:33,966 --> 00:02:36,760
Every time you would get up
from your desk, I would call Rodney.

45
00:02:36,844 --> 00:02:38,637
He'd come here and do his business.

46
00:02:38,721 --> 00:02:41,640
He lives really close to here
in, like, a little shithole.

47
00:02:41,724 --> 00:02:42,933
Am I in trouble?

48
00:02:44,185 --> 00:02:46,478
That's your voice?
I've never talked to him.

49
00:02:46,562 --> 00:02:49,648
His voice is wildly high.

50
00:02:49,732 --> 00:02:51,650
[theme music playing]

51
00:02:57,698 --> 00:02:59,366
[instructor] Now, everybody in here

52
00:03:00,117 --> 00:03:05,873
knows or has heard about
the dangers of driving while inebriated.

53
00:03:06,498 --> 00:03:11,086
But some of the things people do every
single day can be just as dangerous.

54
00:03:11,170 --> 00:03:14,465
Now, I'm going to show you
a video of a woman

55
00:03:14,548 --> 00:03:18,260
who got so wrapped up
with a problem at work

56
00:03:19,094 --> 00:03:22,681
that she puts herself
and others in danger.

57
00:03:22,765 --> 00:03:25,392
-Now, these videos are a little old.
-[chuckling]

58
00:03:25,476 --> 00:03:27,186
They look a little dated.

59
00:03:27,269 --> 00:03:31,106
I don't want to hear any jokes about them,
and don't let the style distract you.

60
00:03:32,149 --> 00:03:34,985
[shouting] And I don't want any questions
about the tables!

61
00:03:37,613 --> 00:03:38,781
[in normal voice] All right.

62
00:03:40,699 --> 00:03:41,700
[music plays]

63
00:03:45,537 --> 00:03:49,166
Yep, honey, I'll be home from work soon.
I'm just picking up my last table.

64
00:03:54,546 --> 00:03:57,216
What the hell did Eddie do to my table?

65
00:03:57,299 --> 00:04:00,761
It's filthy. Oh, my God.

66
00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:08,102
[clicks tongue] What the heck?

67
00:04:08,185 --> 00:04:12,106
It's so dirty. These are my livelihood.

68
00:04:13,148 --> 00:04:15,025
Hey, man, I just got my table back.

69
00:04:15,109 --> 00:04:19,071
And I don't know what the hell
Eddie Munster did to my table.

70
00:04:19,154 --> 00:04:22,116
It looks like he stepped on them,

71
00:04:22,199 --> 00:04:24,660
or, I know it's not this,

72
00:04:25,244 --> 00:04:27,705
it looks like he threw them
in a mud puddle.

73
00:04:27,788 --> 00:04:30,749
These tables are how I buy my house.

74
00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:32,167
They keep my house hot.

75
00:04:32,251 --> 00:04:37,256
If I were a farmer, and Eddie Munster
came in and started kicking my corn,

76
00:04:37,339 --> 00:04:39,800
you could understand
how I could be a bit upset.

77
00:04:39,883 --> 00:04:43,595
Do you understand
the tables are my corn? Whoa!

78
00:04:43,679 --> 00:04:44,638
[crashes]

79
00:04:48,183 --> 00:04:50,728
Wow. Pretty serious.

80
00:04:52,146 --> 00:04:53,230
Any questions?

81
00:04:54,148 --> 00:04:56,650
-Yeah.
-What was her job?

82
00:04:59,862 --> 00:05:01,947
-Tables.
-What do you mean?

83
00:05:02,614 --> 00:05:05,576
-Guys, what did I say?
-Her job is so confusing.

84
00:05:05,659 --> 00:05:06,827
The job isn't important.

85
00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:11,874
It's just a generic job
that the writers of this made up for this.

86
00:05:11,957 --> 00:05:15,127
-But what is the generic job?
-Just tables.

87
00:05:15,210 --> 00:05:16,712
And dealing with Eddie Munster.

88
00:05:16,795 --> 00:05:18,297
She shouldn't have yelled at Eddie.

89
00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:21,675
She actually didn't yell at Eddie Munster.
I've seen this a ton of times.

90
00:05:21,759 --> 00:05:23,886
-What does she do?
-Tables!

91
00:05:23,969 --> 00:05:25,054
But how is tables a job?

92
00:05:25,137 --> 00:05:27,556
I cannot hear any more about tables.

93
00:05:28,307 --> 00:05:31,477
All right, I'm gonna show you
a whole new video,

94
00:05:32,102 --> 00:05:36,690
and I want you to tell me what the person
in the video did right or wrong.

95
00:05:41,904 --> 00:05:43,155
It's the same woman.

96
00:05:43,238 --> 00:05:44,114
[shushes]

97
00:05:44,656 --> 00:05:48,035
I just got screamed at by Freddy Krueger.

98
00:05:48,118 --> 00:05:51,872
All I said was,
"What did you do to my table?"

99
00:05:51,955 --> 00:05:55,626
"It's filthy.
You should be ashamed of yourself."

100
00:05:55,709 --> 00:05:57,586
"You're a fucking pig."

101
00:05:57,669 --> 00:06:02,466
And that's when he snapped.
I thought he was gonna kill me.

102
00:06:03,342 --> 00:06:05,469
I'm so mad about this.

103
00:06:05,552 --> 00:06:08,597
Fuck! They're so dirty. [cries]

104
00:06:09,181 --> 00:06:10,015
[screams]

105
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:15,020
Wow. Pretty crazy.

106
00:06:16,105 --> 00:06:17,981
-What'd she do wrong?
-What is her job?

107
00:06:18,065 --> 00:06:19,858
[shouts] Tables!

108
00:06:19,942 --> 00:06:23,320
Do you want me to turn the lights off?
Everybody puts their heads down.

109
00:06:23,403 --> 00:06:25,447
Nobody gets their license,
gotta walk everywhere.

110
00:06:25,531 --> 00:06:27,324
Gotta walk to the food store, the house.

111
00:06:28,826 --> 00:06:31,495
-I'm gonna show you one more video.
-Is it the same woman?

112
00:06:31,578 --> 00:06:34,289
Same actress. Don't know
if she's supposed to be the same person.

113
00:06:34,373 --> 00:06:36,041
Save your questions till the end.

114
00:06:37,584 --> 00:06:40,212
Ugh! What the hell happened to them?

115
00:06:41,630 --> 00:06:42,840
I'm so mad about that.

116
00:06:44,299 --> 00:06:47,719
Hey! What's up, Carrie?

117
00:06:47,803 --> 00:06:49,638
Not now, George.

118
00:06:49,721 --> 00:06:52,266
I heard you had some problems
with your tables.

119
00:06:52,349 --> 00:06:54,726
Go to hell, George. You fucking pig!

120
00:06:54,810 --> 00:06:56,645
[George] You don't know
how to treat the customer.

121
00:06:56,728 --> 00:06:58,897
You don't know
how to treat the crypt keeper.

122
00:06:58,981 --> 00:07:00,691
-[honking]
-Come on! Go!

123
00:07:00,774 --> 00:07:04,194
If you're gonna keep renting tables
to comic-cons and horror-cons,

124
00:07:04,278 --> 00:07:06,071
you better learn how to treat the talent.

125
00:07:06,155 --> 00:07:08,949
-Oh, my God, that's why.
-[shouts] Shut up!

126
00:07:09,032 --> 00:07:12,119
This is the maddest I've ever been!

127
00:07:12,703 --> 00:07:14,037
[engine accelerating]

128
00:07:18,459 --> 00:07:19,751
[in normal voice] Any questions?

129
00:07:19,835 --> 00:07:21,503
Why is there swearing?

130
00:07:21,587 --> 00:07:23,589
They didn't. All they said was "shoot."

131
00:07:23,672 --> 00:07:25,424
-[laughs]
-[instructor shouts] Don't laugh!

132
00:07:25,507 --> 00:07:27,801
[funky instrumental music playing]

133
00:07:30,596 --> 00:07:31,472
[sniffs]

134
00:07:32,723 --> 00:07:36,477
Something smells.
Tammy, did you have an accident?

135
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,897
-[Tammy] No. Let's just keep playing.
-[laughs] Are you sure?

136
00:07:39,980 --> 00:07:42,941
[Tammy] I swear to God it wasn't me.
Let's play and forget about it.

137
00:07:43,025 --> 00:07:46,153
I love Tammy Craps. I'm 60 pounds.

138
00:07:46,236 --> 00:07:49,448
I'm 62 pounds,
and Tammy Craps is my favorite doll.

139
00:07:49,531 --> 00:07:52,075
[narrator] That's right, girls.
Start packing on those pounds.

140
00:07:52,159 --> 00:07:54,495
The only doll that poops,
then lies about it

141
00:07:54,578 --> 00:07:56,538
doesn't have farts in her head anymore.

142
00:07:56,622 --> 00:07:57,539
What?

143
00:07:57,623 --> 00:07:58,874
Tammy Craps doesn't have
farts in her head.

144
00:07:58,957 --> 00:08:00,250
Does she still lie?

145
00:08:00,334 --> 00:08:02,294
She still craps. She still lies.

146
00:08:02,377 --> 00:08:05,797
They just fired the guy that was farting
in all the doll heads at the factory.

147
00:08:05,881 --> 00:08:07,674
Don't those dolls
have farts in their head?

148
00:08:07,758 --> 00:08:11,303
They used to. The disgruntled employee
who was farting in the heads

149
00:08:11,386 --> 00:08:12,638
was upset the company was treating

150
00:08:12,721 --> 00:08:14,765
their full-time employees
as contract employees.

151
00:08:14,848 --> 00:08:17,267
Now that the heads are sprayed
with a deodorizing poison,

152
00:08:17,351 --> 00:08:19,144
the farts isn't a problem anymore.

153
00:08:19,228 --> 00:08:21,355
See? They ain't got farts no more.

154
00:08:21,438 --> 00:08:24,858
-Oh, I see. Can I play with it?
-How many pounds are you?

155
00:08:24,942 --> 00:08:26,443
I think 54 pounds.

156
00:08:26,527 --> 00:08:28,445
-Ooh.
-Sorry, hon.

157
00:08:28,529 --> 00:08:31,323
Being under 60 lbs
and holding a Tammy Craps doll

158
00:08:31,406 --> 00:08:34,284
is like smoking
five Macanudo Cigars a day.

159
00:08:34,368 --> 00:08:35,786
-That's a lot.
-No.

160
00:08:35,869 --> 00:08:38,664
Yeah. It's a good way to decompress.
Lighting one up.

161
00:08:38,747 --> 00:08:40,666
-Kids over 60 lbs…
-Like me.

162
00:08:40,749 --> 00:08:44,628
…have a body density that can withstand
the low, low dose of premium-grade poison

163
00:08:44,711 --> 00:08:47,297
-they spray in the Tammy Craps' heads.
-[coughs]

164
00:08:47,381 --> 00:08:48,924
You gotta get out of here, little girl.

165
00:08:49,007 --> 00:08:51,843
This, for you, is like
smoking five Macanudos. Bye, hon.

166
00:08:53,303 --> 00:08:54,304
[laughs]

167
00:08:55,597 --> 00:08:57,849
Mom! I'm 60 lbs.

168
00:08:59,017 --> 00:09:00,769
I knew you could do it.

169
00:09:10,279 --> 00:09:12,531
Don't put rocks in your pockets
and lie about your weight

170
00:09:12,614 --> 00:09:14,157
just to get a Tammy Craps.

171
00:09:14,241 --> 00:09:15,951
That can be very dangerous.

172
00:09:16,034 --> 00:09:17,286
Almost as dangerous

173
00:09:17,369 --> 00:09:20,539
as having five of these beautiful
hand-rolled Macanudo Cigars.

174
00:09:20,622 --> 00:09:21,873
[sniffs]

175
00:09:21,957 --> 00:09:23,500
That smells good.

176
00:09:23,584 --> 00:09:26,753
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby
Bay-bay-bay ♪

177
00:09:26,837 --> 00:09:29,506
♪ Whoa, baby, baby
Bay-bay-bay ♪

178
00:09:29,590 --> 00:09:32,384
And that takes care of addendum four.

179
00:09:33,176 --> 00:09:34,803
-[exhales]
-How's everybody doing?

180
00:09:34,886 --> 00:09:36,972
Great. I think
we're really making progress.

181
00:09:37,055 --> 00:09:39,516
[man 1] Awesome. I got to
jump on a call real quick.

182
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,020
When I get back,
we'll get started on addendum five.

183
00:09:48,609 --> 00:09:51,111
And boss is gone.

184
00:09:53,405 --> 00:09:55,073
[man 2] Whoa! Whoa!

185
00:09:55,157 --> 00:09:57,326
Surf's up, dudes.

186
00:09:57,409 --> 00:09:58,327
This is…

187
00:09:58,869 --> 00:09:59,703
[chuckles]

188
00:10:01,955 --> 00:10:03,040
[humming]

189
00:10:04,082 --> 00:10:06,752
[chuckles] Paul, what are you doing?

190
00:10:06,835 --> 00:10:08,378
I'm surfing, baby.

191
00:10:08,462 --> 00:10:10,464
[chuckles] Awesome. Hang ten, brother.

192
00:10:10,547 --> 00:10:13,592
-Yeah, ride the big waves, baby.
-Guys.

193
00:10:16,511 --> 00:10:20,307
Yes. That's what I'm talking about,
ladies. Look at them go.

194
00:10:20,390 --> 00:10:22,059
Feel that breeze, baby.

195
00:10:22,851 --> 00:10:24,728
-Come on, guys.
-This is so fun.

196
00:10:24,811 --> 00:10:27,022
-Watch out for the spray!
-[all cheering]

197
00:10:27,105 --> 00:10:28,940
[man 3] I'm digging it. Groovy, girls.
Very groovy.

198
00:10:29,024 --> 00:10:31,443
-I'm a shark. Watch out.
-[screams]

199
00:10:32,486 --> 00:10:34,488
-Comin' to get you.
-[man 3] Gnarly, dude!

200
00:10:34,571 --> 00:10:35,864
[chuckles]

201
00:10:36,573 --> 00:10:37,991
Check out these whirlpools.

202
00:10:39,451 --> 00:10:41,620
[Paul] Very creative. Hey, check this out.

203
00:10:42,371 --> 00:10:43,455
Whoa!

204
00:10:43,538 --> 00:10:45,707
-Awesome. 360.
-Woo! Yeah!

205
00:10:45,791 --> 00:10:46,875
More spray!

206
00:10:46,958 --> 00:10:48,460
[all exclaiming and laughing]

207
00:10:48,543 --> 00:10:50,045
Here comes a big wave!

208
00:10:51,505 --> 00:10:52,756
-[grunts]
-[all shriek]

209
00:10:52,839 --> 00:10:54,549
-[man 2] What the hell, man!
-Ah!

210
00:10:55,884 --> 00:10:58,470
-[woman 1] My leg!
-[man 3] Napkins. I need napkins.

211
00:10:58,553 --> 00:11:01,556
-Can you hear me, honey?
-Can somebody move this chair?

212
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:02,933
I need a wet paper towel.

213
00:11:03,016 --> 00:11:04,434
Russell, you could've killed Paul.

214
00:11:04,518 --> 00:11:06,478
-[man 2] What is wrong with you?
-[man 4] Fucking psycho.

215
00:11:06,561 --> 00:11:08,271
-What happened here?
-Ask Russell.

216
00:11:09,773 --> 00:11:11,608
Russell? What happened?

217
00:11:14,277 --> 00:11:16,113
We were joking around again, sir.

218
00:11:16,780 --> 00:11:20,700
And it went too far. Just like it
always does. Someone always gets hurt.

219
00:11:23,537 --> 00:11:26,790
Just like when I almost killed myself
when Julie gave me chode jeans.

220
00:11:26,873 --> 00:11:27,958
What?

221
00:11:28,041 --> 00:11:32,337
Like when I turned 45,
and I said, "No gag gifts,"

222
00:11:33,171 --> 00:11:36,258
and Julie gave me chode jeans
and I almost killed myself.

223
00:11:36,341 --> 00:11:39,469
-What are "cho" jeans?
-Chode jeans.

224
00:11:40,387 --> 00:11:42,222
They're jeans for a chode.

225
00:11:42,305 --> 00:11:46,351
A size 54 waist,
10-inch legs, fucking junk.

226
00:11:46,435 --> 00:11:48,895
-Julie gave them to me.
-It was just a joke.

227
00:11:48,979 --> 00:11:51,314
I almost killed myself, Julie!

228
00:11:51,398 --> 00:11:54,067
Russell, you need to let go
of that birthday.

229
00:11:54,151 --> 00:11:55,944
Because it's a long time ago.

230
00:11:56,653 --> 00:11:58,989
It's just hard for me to accept

231
00:11:59,072 --> 00:12:01,658
chode jeans from Julie
when her husband's loaded.

232
00:12:03,034 --> 00:12:06,621
I mean, you're not shy about that,
that your husband's loaded, right?

233
00:12:06,705 --> 00:12:10,292
We've all seen him. He's a bit older,
doesn't look that good, right?

234
00:12:10,375 --> 00:12:13,879
I'm not saying anything
you're not completely open about, right?

235
00:12:14,546 --> 00:12:18,049
-I shouldn't have got up on that desk.
-Yeah, you're right.

236
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:20,051
My husband is very good-looking.

237
00:12:21,136 --> 00:12:22,345
Julie.

238
00:12:26,558 --> 00:12:28,435
[funky instrumental music playing]

239
00:12:30,937 --> 00:12:32,189
-[woman 1] Hi.
-[woman 2] Hi.

240
00:12:32,272 --> 00:12:35,567
We're getting our ears pierced,
but she's a little scared.

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Aw, there's nothing to be scared of.

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We have a little video for you to watch
that will put you at ease.

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-[woman 1] Great.
-Right this way.

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[narrator over TV] Thank you
for making Claire's

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the worldwide choice for ear piercing.

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Getting your ear pierced
for the first time

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can be an exciting
but also sometimes scary experience.

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Lot of girls in my class have their ears
pierced, but I was a little nervous.

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I'd always wanted earrings,
but I really don't like needles.

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I always wanted an earring.
But I was so nervous.

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The night before,
I made a mess in the bathroom.

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I had to jump in the tub.

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But at Claire's, they were so nice.

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They understood I was nervous
and made me feel okay.

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We're going to Florida, and I really
wanted an earring for Florida.

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But I was nervous
to the point of diarrhea.

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[narrator] At Claire's,
your comfort is our priority.

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[girl 1] They let my mom
sit with me the whole time.

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[girl 2] I had Jessica,
she was in college and was really cool.

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I had Chloe. She was really cool.

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She stood outside the bathroom

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and assured me
no one could hear the splashes.

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I know all this already. I am not nervous.

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I was a little scared
I was going to die on the slab.

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Like my dad.

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This shit is for babies, for little kids.
I know this already. God damn it.

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They had stars, they had unicorns.
I had such a hard time choosing.

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A couple of years ago,
I ordered my wife a Sybian.

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Hello? Do I have to sit here
and watch this whole thing?

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I know all this already.
I'm not nervous at all.

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Finish the video
if you want to get your ear pierced.

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[man] All right then. Go!
Get out of here. Let me watch this.

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We were just to the point where
we were more friends than lovers.

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All my friends have their ears pierced.
Now I do, too.

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It's just another way to express myself.

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Sometimes I put my dad in JibJab videos
so he's alive again.

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I showed it to my mom.

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She said, "Where is he?"

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This is so boring.

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I go, "Mom, it's not real. It's a JibJab."

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It's just hard.

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To see the people
who cared for you as a baby

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become a baby themselves.

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They showed me how to clean my ears
so they didn't get infected.

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They gave me an ice pack
to help with the swelling.

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Life's a fucking funny thing.

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You know, if it's true that when you die,

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you get to go back through your life
and relive all the moments for eternity,

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then I want some moments in there
where I'm just dying laughing.

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I fake laugh every day for ten minutes,

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so that when I die
and relive life's little moments,

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all I see is happy times.

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Ain't that the fucking saddest thing
you ever heard?

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I'm sitting in an empty room,
laughing my ass off to trick my dead self.

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I had a great life.

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[man laughing on TV]

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[uplifting music playing]