[sighs]
-What the fuck did I do? -[Tulving] Luca.
-Yes, Miss Tulving. -Just tell me what happened here.
[scoffs] I fucked up. That's what happened. I fucked up.
I found a guy who looks just like Dave who can take huge dumps,
so people would think Dave was taking huge dumps.
-Why did you do that? -I don't know.
I mean, ultimately, I guess I wanted people to think
Dave was taking huge, embarrassing dumps.
If I had to come up with a reason, that would be it.
And honestly, that might be it.
This guy barely looks like Dave.
From the back, he does.
When he hugs the wall and crab walks, from the back, he does.
With all due respect, it worked 150 times.
Oh, my God. How long have you been doing this?
What do you want me to do?
Luca, you're gonna have to start taking this seriously.
[shouting] I am serious, ma'am!
I'm serious as a heart attack! I didn't do this!
-[in normal voice] What? -You know what the fucked up part is?
I think part of me wanted to get caught.
I was sick of the cat and mouse game because, Dave, you're no Tom.
It was just Jerry running around the house doing whatever he wanted,
sniffing the wife's panties.
I don't think Jerry ever sniffed anybody's panties.
You weren't with him 24/7 in the cartoon.
You don't think that a little piece of food
ever got caught in the underwear drawer and he took a whiff?
Jesus, Luca, come on.
Could I just have a few moments to collect my thoughts?
[exhales]
[softly] What the hell, dude, I already told you, "No."
[in normal voice] Trying to sell my bike stand.
And this guy lives, like, 200 miles away.
He wants to meet me halfway. I'm like, "Hell, no!"
"No way, dude. You live, like, so far."
"Come to me."
-Luca. -I think I just need some time at home.
Look inside myself, be with my family and try new restaurants.
Dave, do you want to speak to how this has impacted you?
I guess I'm just a little confused.
Well, it's really pretty simple.
Every time you would get up from your desk, I would call Rodney.
He'd come here and do his business.
He lives really close to here in, like, a little shithole.
Am I in trouble?
That's your voice? I've never talked to him.
His voice is wildly high.
[theme music playing]
[instructor] Now, everybody in here
knows or has heard about the dangers of driving while inebriated.
But some of the things people do every single day can be just as dangerous.
Now, I'm going to show you a video of a woman
who got so wrapped up with a problem at work
that she puts herself and others in danger.
-Now, these videos are a little old. -[chuckling]
They look a little dated.
I don't want to hear any jokes about them, and don't let the style distract you.
[shouting] And I don't want any questions about the tables!
[in normal voice] All right.
[music plays]
Yep, honey, I'll be home from work soon. I'm just picking up my last table.
What the hell did Eddie do to my table?
It's filthy. Oh, my God.
[clicks tongue] What the heck?
It's so dirty. These are my livelihood.
Hey, man, I just got my table back.
And I don't know what the hell Eddie Munster did to my table.
It looks like he stepped on them,
or, I know it's not this,
it looks like he threw them in a mud puddle.
These tables are how I buy my house.
They keep my house hot.
If I were a farmer, and Eddie Munster came in and started kicking my corn,
you could understand how I could be a bit upset.
Do you understand the tables are my corn? Whoa!
[crashes]
Wow. Pretty serious.
Any questions?
-Yeah. -What was her job?
-Tables. -What do you mean?
-Guys, what did I say? -Her job is so confusing.
The job isn't important.
It's just a generic job that the writers of this made up for this.
-But what is the generic job? -Just tables.
And dealing with Eddie Munster.
She shouldn't have yelled at Eddie.
She actually didn't yell at Eddie Munster. I've seen this a ton of times.
-What does she do? -Tables!
But how is tables a job?
I cannot hear any more about tables.
All right, I'm gonna show you a whole new video,
and I want you to tell me what the person in the video did right or wrong.
It's the same woman.
[shushes]
I just got screamed at by Freddy Krueger.
All I said was, "What did you do to my table?"
"It's filthy. You should be ashamed of yourself."
"You're a fucking pig."
And that's when he snapped. I thought he was gonna kill me.
I'm so mad about this.
Fuck! They're so dirty. [cries]
[screams]
Wow. Pretty crazy.
-What'd she do wrong? -What is her job?
[shouts] Tables!
Do you want me to turn the lights off? Everybody puts their heads down.
Nobody gets their license, gotta walk everywhere.
Gotta walk to the food store, the house.
-I'm gonna show you one more video. -Is it the same woman?
Same actress. Don't know if she's supposed to be the same person.
Save your questions till the end.
Ugh! What the hell happened to them?
I'm so mad about that.
Hey! What's up, Carrie?
Not now, George.
I heard you had some problems with your tables.
Go to hell, George. You fucking pig!
[George] You don't know how to treat the customer.
You don't know how to treat the crypt keeper.
-[honking] -Come on! Go!
If you're gonna keep renting tables to comic-cons and horror-cons,
you better learn how to treat the talent.
-Oh, my God, that's why. -[shouts] Shut up!
This is the maddest I've ever been!
[engine accelerating]
[in normal voice] Any questions?
Why is there swearing?
They didn't. All they said was "shoot."
-[laughs] -[instructor shouts] Don't laugh!
[funky instrumental music playing]
[sniffs]
Something smells. Tammy, did you have an accident?
-[Tammy] No. Let's just keep playing. -[laughs] Are you sure?
[Tammy] I swear to God it wasn't me. Let's play and forget about it.
I love Tammy Craps. I'm 60 pounds.
I'm 62 pounds, and Tammy Craps is my favorite doll.
[narrator] That's right, girls. Start packing on those pounds.
The only doll that poops, then lies about it
doesn't have farts in her head anymore.
What?
Tammy Craps doesn't have farts in her head.
Does she still lie?
She still craps. She still lies.
They just fired the guy that was farting in all the doll heads at the factory.
Don't those dolls have farts in their head?
They used to. The disgruntled employee who was farting in the heads
was upset the company was treating
their full-time employees as contract employees.
Now that the heads are sprayed with a deodorizing poison,
the farts isn't a problem anymore.
See? They ain't got farts no more.
-Oh, I see. Can I play with it? -How many pounds are you?
I think 54 pounds.
-Ooh. -Sorry, hon.
Being under 60 lbs and holding a Tammy Craps doll
is like smoking five Macanudo Cigars a day.
-That's a lot. -No.
Yeah. It's a good way to decompress. Lighting one up.
-Kids over 60 lbs… -Like me.
…have a body density that can withstand the low, low dose of premium-grade poison
-they spray in the Tammy Craps' heads. -[coughs]
You gotta get out of here, little girl.
This, for you, is like smoking five Macanudos. Bye, hon.
[laughs]
Mom! I'm 60 lbs.
I knew you could do it.
Don't put rocks in your pockets and lie about your weight
just to get a Tammy Craps.
That can be very dangerous.
Almost as dangerous
as having five of these beautiful hand-rolled Macanudo Cigars.
[sniffs]
That smells good.
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
♪ Whoa, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
And that takes care of addendum four.
-[exhales] -How's everybody doing?
Great. I think we're really making progress.
[man 1] Awesome. I got to jump on a call real quick.
When I get back, we'll get started on addendum five.
And boss is gone.
[man 2] Whoa! Whoa!
Surf's up, dudes.
This is…
[chuckles]
[humming]
[chuckles] Paul, what are you doing?
I'm surfing, baby.
[chuckles] Awesome. Hang ten, brother.
-Yeah, ride the big waves, baby. -Guys.
Yes. That's what I'm talking about, ladies. Look at them go.
Feel that breeze, baby.
-Come on, guys. -This is so fun.
-Watch out for the spray! -[all cheering]
[man 3] I'm digging it. Groovy, girls. Very groovy.
-I'm a shark. Watch out. -[screams]
-Comin' to get you. -[man 3] Gnarly, dude!
[chuckles]
Check out these whirlpools.
[Paul] Very creative. Hey, check this out.
Whoa!
-Awesome. 360. -Woo! Yeah!
More spray!
[all exclaiming and laughing]
Here comes a big wave!
-[grunts] -[all shriek]
-[man 2] What the hell, man! -Ah!
-[woman 1] My leg! -[man 3] Napkins. I need napkins.
-Can you hear me, honey? -Can somebody move this chair?
I need a wet paper towel.
Russell, you could've killed Paul.
-[man 2] What is wrong with you? -[man 4] Fucking psycho.
-What happened here? -Ask Russell.
Russell? What happened?
We were joking around again, sir.
And it went too far. Just like it always does. Someone always gets hurt.
Just like when I almost killed myself when Julie gave me chode jeans.
What?
Like when I turned 45, and I said, "No gag gifts,"
and Julie gave me chode jeans and I almost killed myself.
-What are "cho" jeans? -Chode jeans.
They're jeans for a chode.
A size 54 waist, 10-inch legs, fucking junk.
-Julie gave them to me. -It was just a joke.
I almost killed myself, Julie!
Russell, you need to let go of that birthday.
Because it's a long time ago.
It's just hard for me to accept
chode jeans from Julie when her husband's loaded.
I mean, you're not shy about that, that your husband's loaded, right?
We've all seen him. He's a bit older, doesn't look that good, right?
I'm not saying anything you're not completely open about, right?
-I shouldn't have got up on that desk. -Yeah, you're right.
My husband is very good-looking.
Julie.
[funky instrumental music playing]
-[woman 1] Hi. -[woman 2] Hi.
We're getting our ears pierced, but she's a little scared.
Aw, there's nothing to be scared of.
We have a little video for you to watch that will put you at ease.
-[woman 1] Great. -Right this way.
[narrator over TV] Thank you for making Claire's
the worldwide choice for ear piercing.
Getting your ear pierced for the first time
can be an exciting but also sometimes scary experience.
Lot of girls in my class have their ears pierced, but I was a little nervous.
I'd always wanted earrings, but I really don't like needles.
I always wanted an earring. But I was so nervous.
The night before, I made a mess in the bathroom.
I had to jump in the tub.
But at Claire's, they were so nice.
They understood I was nervous and made me feel okay.
We're going to Florida, and I really wanted an earring for Florida.
But I was nervous to the point of diarrhea.
[narrator] At Claire's, your comfort is our priority.
[girl 1] They let my mom sit with me the whole time.
[girl 2] I had Jessica, she was in college and was really cool.
I had Chloe. She was really cool.
She stood outside the bathroom
and assured me no one could hear the splashes.
I know all this already. I am not nervous.
I was a little scared I was going to die on the slab.
Like my dad.
This shit is for babies, for little kids. I know this already. God damn it.
They had stars, they had unicorns. I had such a hard time choosing.
A couple of years ago, I ordered my wife a Sybian.
Hello? Do I have to sit here and watch this whole thing?
I know all this already. I'm not nervous at all.
Finish the video if you want to get your ear pierced.
[man] All right then. Go! Get out of here. Let me watch this.
We were just to the point where we were more friends than lovers.
All my friends have their ears pierced. Now I do, too.
It's just another way to express myself.
Sometimes I put my dad in JibJab videos so he's alive again.
I showed it to my mom.
She said, "Where is he?"
This is so boring.
I go, "Mom, it's not real. It's a JibJab."
It's just hard.
To see the people who cared for you as a baby
become a baby themselves.
They showed me how to clean my ears so they didn't get infected.
They gave me an ice pack to help with the swelling.
Life's a fucking funny thing.
You know, if it's true that when you die,
you get to go back through your life and relive all the moments for eternity,
then I want some moments in there where I'm just dying laughing.
I fake laugh every day for ten minutes,
so that when I die and relive life's little moments,
all I see is happy times.
Ain't that the fucking saddest thing you ever heard?
I'm sitting in an empty room, laughing my ass off to trick my dead self.
I had a great life.
[man laughing on TV]
[uplifting music playing]