That's not what I said. You always do this.
Hello?
[yells] Ah!
[tires screech]
What are you doing?
Fucking asshole. Come on, man.
-[tires screech] -Come on, man. Go! What?
Going around this asshole.
-What the fuck? -[car honks]
-Come on, man, go! -[honking continues]
What is your problem, man? Do you know how to fucking drive?
No.
What?
No, I don't know how to fucking drive.
I don't know what any of this shit is, and I'm scared.
What are you talking about? You don't know how to drive?
Not everybody knows how to do everything. Driving isn't the only thing--
-Just move your car! -Okay.
[muttering] I don't know how. I can't--
My God. Just grab the steering wheel.
Fine! [screams]
-It hurt? -Yeah, it does. It does hurt, actually.
What if where you're going is a job interview and I turn out to be the boss?
I'm not going to a job interview!
-You could be a year from now. -Oh, my God.
Everybody says, "That guy's great." I say, "Wait a minute."
-"That guy yells." -Move your fucking car!
-I can't! -Why not?
-Oh. I'm good. Thank you. -What?
I'm good. Thank you. You don't wanna help me. Just wanna yell.
[softly] Fuck.
-[horn honks] -[screams]
That's just the horn.
I don't know that, do I?
You know?
[gentle music plays]
-I want to tell you something. -What?
-You yelled at me. -Oh, my God.
-[horn honks] -[screams]
[opening theme music playing]
She slams down her computer screen when she sees me behind her.
I'm like, "Lady, I need to look at your computer to get ideas?"
-"I've been all over the world." -[all laughing]
You've been all over. Why would you want to steal her idea?
Thank you!
I didn't get my ideas from a lady in a coffee shop.
[crowd laughs]
You've been to Egypt.
I lived in Egypt for a month. I lived in Egypt for a month!
Partying with Hal is the best.
-Hey, guys. Are we gonna split this? -Ten ways?
Wait. Has anyone ever played credit card roulette?
Oh, my God!
Hal is a genius at having fun. I truly believe that.
Here's how it works. Everyone throw in your credit card.
-Okay. -We put 'em in this hat. We pick a card.
Whoever's card it is has to pay for the entire meal.
[laughs]
-Come on. Throw it in. -I love it.
Every night I've ever gone out with Hal has been insane.
-Now you're starting to see why. -[Hal] Listen.
You only go around this old blue marble once.
Might as well have the best time here.
He's a complete night owl.
-[Vicky] There. -No, Vicky. You do the honors.
-Oh! My pleasure. -Drumroll, please.
[Vicky] Okay.
-[woman] No looking, no peeking. -It is… [gasps]
-Ooh, Leslie. -Leslie!
I'm not paying it.
-[chuckles] What's that? -Uh, I'm not paying the bill.
This is too much money. I'm not paying it.
Maybe if I'd have gotten a bite of everyone's meal or something…
No, no. I just don't want to do it. I just don't want to pay it.
-Okay, you know what? -And I'm not gonna pay.
[Hal] Why don't I just pick my card and I'll pay for it.
-Fine, yeah, that's fair. -No. You do not have to do that.
-It's fine. It was my dumb idea. -[Leslie] It's fine. God! All fine.
[chuckles] I'm not gonna pay for it, it's fine.
It's got to be fine, 'cause I ain't gonna fuckin' pay for it. [laughs]
I'm not paying.
-Just put it all on there. -Of course.
Linda, are you still dating that bad guy?
-What? -Are you still dating that big, bad guy?
His name was David or something.
Yeah, I'm still dating David.
[laughing] That's a bad guy!
That is a rotten egg.
Linda…
Dump him, girl.
So, um, is everyone going to Cheryl's art show?
[yelling] Fuck! I should have lied! No!
Fuck!
-Oh! -[in normal voice] What?
I should have said there was some reason I couldn't pay,
not just right away say I'm not gonna!
[groans dramatically]
I hate that game.
I've always hated that game.
[crying] You all know that.
I hate that game.
No, I actually don't hate that game because--
[whimsical music playing]
Hey, give me that.
-No way. I had it first. -Give me that right now.
-No, no, no! -No. I'm sorry, guys.
I'm just not in the mood for the hilarious waiter brothers.
Okay? I think you guys are funny. I like the three funny waiter brothers.
Just not in the mood 'cause of what I did tonight, I forgot to lie.
Wait. Didn't you say there'd be five people at this table?
-No. I said there'd be only four people. -You said five.
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
♪ Whoa, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
I feel like a kid. You have to get skates.
-I would love to feel like a kid again. -Then you have to get skates.
-Hey. There's the birthday girl. -Oh, my God.
-Matt Alex, you're here. -And I'm here all night.
Matt Alex gets the funniest, unique stuff. Last year he got me a close-up magician.
-The magic was really good. -What'd you do this year?
I think you're gonna like it.
I understand there's a birthday here.
Wild stuff. Wild stuff.
-[laughs] Oh, my God, Matt! -Wild.
You got a Johnny Carson impersonator, that is so funny.
-[Joni] This is so random. -Wild.
[Matt] I honestly almost forgot 'cause I moved this week.
I was like, "I'm so distracted, but I have to outdo myself from last year."
Oh, my God. Johnny Carson just fucking hit me.
-What the hell? -The fuck are you doing?
He can! He can! He can! Oh! He can.
-He can what? -He can hit. He can hit you.
-Who are you? -I'm with Stable of Stars.
That's my guy. He's one of our Carsons.
-Okay, well, he just hit Todd. -Right.
That's why I ran over screaming, "He can," 'cause he can.
He can't just hit people. That's assault. That's against the law.
Well, your friend paid for him to be here as a joke
at a low, low, low price point. And at that price point,
at Stable of Stars, he can hit.
[grunts] Ow!
It's fine!
He got him so bad. Who is that?
-That's our friend. -He really whacked him.
It's fine. Ugh!
-Guys! Please. It's fine. -Matt, what the hell?
-I had no idea they could hit. -They can't.
I had no idea he'd say that at that price point, they can.
Wild. Wild.
Wild.
[yells] Johnny, go around!
Go to other people. Don't just go to them.
Move! Go, move! Go around.
Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
I gotta push him around the party, make sure everybody gets to see him.
-Whose house is this? -It's mine.
There's no cute restaurants in the neighborhood.
What? Look, we don't want to insult you,
but since it was a joke, he got the low price point,
which we now know means, at Star Wagon…
Or Stable of Stars.
-That you allow them to hit. -They're not allowed to hit.
Oh, right. Yes, at that price point, yes, they are allowed to hit.
-I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm saying. -[fake laughs] Understanding all of that,
we were just hoping that maybe there's another version of this
where everyone kind of gets what they want.
-I know it's not your fault. -What the fuck are you doing?
-[Joni] Who is that? -[man] That's my George Kennedy.
-I brought him here as a perk. -Why would I want George Kennedy?
I know. That's why he's a perk.
And that's also why he can't hit!
He can't hit. Carson can hit all the day he wants.
Can he hit vases?
Uh… Yeah, he can.
I like that they can hit. It's cool.
-Okay. Thank you. -And I think it's great.
-Thank you so much. Thank you. -Is he with you?
Busted. That's my George Bush. What the fuck are you doing?
You can't hit!
Both of you, go sit in the wagon.
I'd send 'em to a coffee shop or something,
but there's nothing in this area.
It's a really nice neighborhood.
Oh, my God, the Carson just passed out.
Uh…
["Pretty Please" by Triplett Twins plays]
♪ Pretty please with sugar on top ♪
♪ Baby, give me that love you've got ♪
[grunts loudly]
So you're thinking about becoming a owner of your own
Little Buff Boys Corporate Competition?
Well, I may have a little good advice for you.
Absolutely do it!
I'm Dave Campor,
Little Buff Boy Champ of '96.
Twenty-five times out of the 50-city run.
I still think I should have won in Tucson.
God, I miss those days.
But now, my muscles are up here,
as I run one of the most successful Little Buff Boy franchises
out here in Cincinnati.
Now I eat at some of the best restaurants in town.
I get full to the brim, eating cherry chuck salad.
People say that it's healthy, but with that much cherry
and that much ground chuck, it can't be healthy.
[roaring]
[music playing]
Wow. This place is amazing. Look at all the attention to detail.
I did think it'd look a little more galactic, didn't you?
I think it looks very galactic.
-You do? You wanna leave? You too scared? -No, it's fun.
Oh, that's great. A buddy told me about this place.
He said it was nuts. Fucker.
Oh! Here we go. This looks great. Hey, wait a minute.
My drink's smoking. We gotta send this back.
I gotta talk to the captain.
-Gary, you're being so silly. -I'm just having fun.
[both chuckle]
Uh…
Seriously, though, you were saying,
-the trouble you have with your sister. -Oh, Gary. It just keeps piling on.
Every time we think we're out of the woods,
she just falls right back into her old habits.
It must be so difficult for you, Jeanine.
-[voice over PA system] Danger! -What the hell?
…detected. Danger! Unmanned spaceship detected.
What is… This is part of the show? [chuckles]
What the… Look at this. This stuff moves.
It's like CGI. The money going into this place.
Hey, what's an alien gotta do to get a drink around here?
[laughs]
I just came from a planet that was all bugs.
And I can safely say a lot better-looking than this crowd.
[laughing] Shit. Whoa!
I came here looking for intelligent life,
and I can tell you right now, it ain't at table seven.
Oh! They're like, "Huh?"
I came here looking for the perfect specimen to abduct.
Hey, table three. Uh, hard pass.
Oh! [laughs]
-"Hard pass." -Brutal.
That is nuts.
Anyways, my friend Bruce is going through the same thing
that your sister's going through. Guy had everything.
Look at table five. She's thinking, "I should've swiped left."
Not right now, buddy. Okay.
If this date were a movie, it'd be Bore of the Worlds.
[audience laughing]
You have no clue.
Talk about abduction, someone abducted all the fun from this date.
Her sister's addicted to drugs. Okay? Does that sound boring to you?
What?
-That's what we're talking about. -It's okay.
I'm sorry if that's the most boring thing you've ever heard,
that she's scared because her sister loves drugs so much
that she can't stop taking them!
-I didn't know. -Exactly.
You know nothing about her. This woman's been through absolute hell.
Just to get school supplies, her mom had to drink puke
for a local morning radio show.
-Did you know that? -What?
She knew that every little pencil she broke,
her mom had to take another big gulp of vomit for the Davy and Rascal Show.
-Does that sound boring to you? -She did it more than once?
She had a standing invitation.
And the listeners loved it when she drank stuff.
And she did it for us just so we could get school supplies and trips to Florida.
-Does that sound boring? -No.
I'm sorry if the most boring thing you ever heard
is my mom drank puke for trips to Florida.
One time she drank a jar full of mucus just so she could get a backpack.
-Right? -Yeah.
Oh, my God.
-She drank diarrhea. -No, she didn't.
Thought you said that. Could've sworn you said it in the car.
-No. -[alien] Look.
-I was joking when I said you were boring. -You said I'm boring?
No, no, no.
I watched my daddy get executed by the state for homicide, dude.
-What? -[Gary] Right before they zapped him,
he looked me right in the eyes, and at the top of his lungs,
he screamed, "Never let the party die!"
-Does that sound like a boring guy to you? -It doesn't.
You have no clue what people have gone through
or who they are. So don't say I can't please a woman.
-I didn't say that. -You said I should have swiped left.
You did. What's that supposed to mean?
-I didn't say anything about that. -It's all right.
All you gotta do is take your head out of that head
and come over here and apologize to us face to face.
[powering off]
[scoffs] Anyways, let's just try to have a good time.
I'm gonna get some mozzarella sticks.
-[Jeanine] That sounds good. -[Gary] They have terrific soup.
I'm sorry.
-Who the fuck are you? -I'm… that.
Oh!
Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, okay.
In retrospect, I can appreciate that you may not have had any idea
that we were here talking about how her sister is addicted to drugs.
-I can barely hear anything out here. -Right. Yeah, I bet.
Sweetie, you got a little Mars cocktail on your beautiful, gray dress there.
Could we get that for free?
-What? -The Mars cocktail.
Could we get it for free 'cause she spilled a bit on her dress?
-Sure. -[Gary] Great.
'Cause if you said no, I would've gone home and got on Yelp
and said that I found a LEGO head in my corn.
[Gary laughs]
I've done that to a lot of places. It works.
♪ Time is now ♪
♪ That we're together ♪
♪ It's finally now ♪
♪ Now and forever ♪
♪ No, we'll never, never know The time is now ♪
♪ We won't ever, ever, ever Hit the ground ♪
♪ The time is now ♪
And that's new! And you weren't excited for it.