-Throw in an eight. -[man 1] Yeah.
-[all laugh] -I'm out. Too rich for my blood.
Oh, what happened to Mr. High Roller, huh?
Mr. High Roller's wife's about to buy a new patio set.
[all laugh]
I'm not arguing. Easier to just say, "Okay, honey, okay."
[all laugh]
-I've got nothing. -That's what your wife said.
[all exclaim]
Trust me, my wife has nothing to complain about.
Unless you're talking about every little thing I've ever done.
Okay, okay, call, call.
-Oh… Flush. -[exclaims]
That's what my wife says every time I have to pee.
And I say, "I'm just gonna pee again in ten minutes."
"What am I gonna do, flush again? It's just piss."
[all laugh]
"Just piss." That's good.
Whoa. Looks like someone's going for a new record.
Oh. Yeah.
You guys would be clugging a few cans too, if you had my wife.
[all laughing]
[man 2] That was funny.
["First Light" by Dustin Tebbutt playing]
[sighs]
♪ To where these stars Still shine for you ♪
♪ I'm looking up ♪
-[laughing] -[gargling]
♪ I'm looking up ♪
Hey, honey…
I, uh, auditioned for a play
and I got the part.
-Oh, my God! [exclaims] -[laughing]
-Your husband is a henchman. -You're a henchman!
[door opens]
-How was your dress rehearsal? -Jamie Taco keeps taking my lines.
-Who's Jamie Taco? -He's the other henchman.
He says my lines before I can even get 'em out.
The director doesn't do anything. Jamie took 15 of my lines.
What do you mean he says them before you can get them?
He says 'em so fast, before I can say them,
then they become his lines.
I should quit, I don't even know what I'm doing.
Honey, no.
But I'm never gonna say my lines faster than Jamie Taco!
[all laughing]
He had no idea what he was doing, and I told him,
"Have you ever done anything before?"
-It was all weird and ridiculous-- -Jamie?
Yes?
Uh, some of the lines you're saying might be my lines.
What?
Some of the lines you say on stage, I think some of them might be my lines.
Who said them? Who said the lines?
Well, you did. But they're supposed to be mine.
You gotta be much quicker if you want to have those lines.
The audience doesn't know whose lines they are.
And if I say them, they're mine. And I'm quick.
Hey, Brandon, wait up! I'm starving!
I'll slap your head around, you jabroni. Now give me some pozole, I'm hungry.
I'm no jabroni. My uncle is going to shoot your head off.
Don't talk to me like that. I got 1,500 guys that'll pop you.
My pozole!
[mutters inaudibly]
-Grab the keys-- -Grab the keys, get in the truck, jabroni!
I'll slap you, jabroni!
♪ Your eyes, at first light ♪
You were so good!
I only got the-- [sniffles] I only got the one line out.
But it was the best line of the night.
-Really? -Really.
-Let's go get something to eat. -Okay.
Hey, ah, good job tonight, Jamie.
I'm going to get that line tomorrow.
I am so proud of you.
-[sniffles] I love you. -I know.
-I love you. -I love you, too.
Hey, when you said…
No.
No, no, I wish I hadn't said that.
I love my wife.
She helped me when I freaked out about Jamie Taco.
-Come on, we're all joking around. -Yeah, come on.
I'm gonna go. I'm not going to stay the night.
[all exclaim]
-[man] Come on! -He never stays the night.
He always says he's gonna and he never does.
Scott, stay.
It's my birthday.
I gotta go.
[door closes]
[theme music playing]
Should I toss this in the trash or you have a recycling here?
You can just throw it in the bin under the sink.
Or you could put it in the trash hutch
that Marcus was going to build on the porch.
-What? -Are you serious?
Why say that? We come here three times a year, when will I build it?
Jesus, Marcus. It was just a joke.
A really funny joke about how I haven't built the trash hutch. Thank you.
-[imitates laughter] -[Jeanine] Ugh.
What a baby.
I'm so sorry, it's so tense here.
[Marcus] Jesus Christ.
-You know? Think I might be able to help. -What are you gonna do?
Where's my big green bag?
I put it in the closet with our jackets.
I'll be right back. I think I might be able to help.
[device beeps]
I should probably get up and start getting dinner ready.
[laughs maniacally]
-[Jeanine] What? -Was that a joke?
I honestly can't tell with you.
[upbeat music playing]
What the hell is he doing?
[dog barking]
[upbeat music continues]
What the fuck is he doing? What are you doing?
Saving the party, brother!
Can you calm Barbie down? She's freaking out.
I'm trying, but she can't.
She thinks he's a new guy 'cause of the glasses and the hat.
-What do you mean? -'Cause of the hat and glasses.
-She's thinks that he's a new guy. -Can you take the hat and glasses off?
-No. -Damn it!
Probably smells my dog.
What? We know what the problem is.
-Something spooked her. -It's Lisa's fuckin' boyfriend.
Okay, if you just take that hat and glasses off--
He said no, Jeanine!
[barking continues]
Jack it up a lot.
-[music volume increasing] -Okay, it's too loud.
[music continues]
Mommy, what's happening?
Marcus, can you please calm the dog down? She's scaring my kid!
-It's her house, she's doing what's right! -Fuck you.
-[music volume increasing] -It's too loud!
Stop! Stop!
-[woman] Stop. -Nobody likes what you're doing.
-Turn the music down a bit. -You're upsetting everybody.
-Oh, fuck! -[woman] Oh, my God!
[music ends]
[barking]
Take off the glasses, too.
[barking stops]
[cries softly]
It's just me, Barbie, I'm not the Blues Brothers.
[sniffles]
This… This really is quite a beautiful house.
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
♪ Whoa, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
-Hey. -Hey.
Looks like you were in a bit of a rush.
What's that?
Your pants, didn't finish shaking?
Oh.
No, he did. He shook.
-He did what? -He finished shaking.
Those ain't piss dots.
-That's got nothing to do with piss. -Excuse me?
Those pants come like that with those two little dots.
They're really in style right now. Even rappers wear 'em.
Don't believe me? Look it up for yourself. Go to calicocutpants.com.
-Calico Cut? -Calicocutpants.com, right now.
It's not that big a deal.
If you don't believe me, go ahead, look it up right now.
Okay, fine.
-"Calicocutpants.com." -[mouths inaudibly]
Oh, yeah, here it is.
-They sell pants with little dots on 'em. -That's got nothing to do with piss.
Oh, okay. Sorry. Thought he dropped a few drops of pee.
He didn't. That ain't the case here.
That ain't piss. That's got nothing to do with piss.
Okay.
See ya.
Uh, thanks, but I didn't buy these pants like this.
I know. You can't buy those pants. Those pants don't exist.
They don't?
It's just a website that says that these kinds of pants exist.
Wouldn't you agree that's all you need?
I don't know.
If Glen thinks that they sell those kinds of pants,
he can't prove that you got piss on your pants
or that you just own these kinds of pants.
It's the perfect thing.
I guess. What happens if you try to buy the pants on that website?
They all say they're out of stock.
That also makes it seem like it's a hot item.
It's the same thing Supreme does, wouldn't you agree?
I guess.
[chuckles] But you gotta give.
-I'm sorry? -You gotta give.
Calicocutpants.com is completely user funded.
That means no banner ads, no paywall. It's completely user funded.
So you pay to keep it active?
It's just like PBS.
Anyone can use it, but if nobody gives, it goes dark.
Rick, the guy who started this thing, he's completely under water.
He can't get a grip on this thing.
So, it's only right, if you use something, to give, right?
Yeah.
Hey, hold that door! Hold that door! Hold that door!
Did you give?
Oh. Uh, hey. No, not yet.
If people use it and they don't give, it could go dark.
So, one more time, it's that we give money to the website to keep it active,
even though it doesn't actually sell pants?
[shushes]
[banging loudly]
What are you thinking? If people find out they don't sell the pants,
the whole thing falls apart.
-What are you doing? -So no one can hear they don't sell pants.
The whole thing relies on the users giving
and the users being discreet about that they don't sell the pants!
-But you gotta give! -I'll give. Jesus!
-Do it now. -I'll do it later. I promise.
At least open the tab, so I know you won't forget.
-Calicocutpants.com. -[Jeff] Yeah.
Okay, there. I gotta get back to work.
Hey, everybody, it's Rick here from calicocutpants.com,
and I want to thank you so much for giving to our website.
And if I'm being honest, this thing has completely blown up in my face.
This ain't my main gig, it's my side gig,
and I can't really get a hold of this on any end.
[Jeff] What is this?
-This is auto play. -Things in my life are not going good.
Rick explaining what's happening with the company. Why it's important to give.
I'm a dead man walking. I got no time left.
I'm only eating burgers, the only thing I can afford.
-How do you turn it down? -Put the volume down.
-[Jeff] It's not working. -Try the little "X"!
Quite simply, it's just like PBS.
I didn't even ask to use it.
But you did use it. It helped you out of a jam with Glen.
So now you gotta pay.
-[Jeff] Hey! -Hold that door! Hold that door!
Give.
Hey, Jeff, here's that thing you asked for, that paper.
You gotta give.
-Man, I'm trying to work here. -I told Rick you're a man of honor.
And I owe Calico Cut Pants a lot.
When my wife was in the hospital, I was very distracted.
I was taking four seconds on a six-second piss
and letting the last two seconds straight down my leg.
-What? -And it helped to know
I had the trapeze net of the site,
so I could focus on what I really needed to focus on,
which is to be there for my wife and answer the questions for the doctors.
Like, what did she go near? Or on a hike, did she walk too close to a tower?
Or, I don't know, not this probably, but did she eat a battery?
Rick knew I wasn't gonna give that month, and he barely hounded me.
I'm sorry. What? What was wrong with your wife?
She had eaten a battery, a little battery,
like a circle battery, like a watch battery.
Oh.
-[Greg] You gotta give! -[Jeff] Hey!
If you use something and you don't give…
[grunts]
Give. To. The system.
Hey, Debbie, what's going on? You wore that dress yesterday.
[mouths] My God.
[sighs]
I'm the Rock.
Mike "The Rock" Davis from the W Doh W.
If you used calicocutpants.com and you don't pay,
then you're the problem!
And if you watch my matches, then you know that I don't like problems!
[roaring]
[roaring stops]
[tense music playing]
There you are.
Did you give?
What the fuck? Get the fuck off my shirt, man!
This is mine!
The volume on that video wouldn't turn down.
-Did you push volume down? -Yes.
I don't know what to tell you. I don't do volume stuff. Did you give?
No, don't send me videos of loud wrestlers.
When you donate, it doesn't go to that!
-What? -The money doesn't go to the video.
Rick didn't pay Mike "The Rock" Davis
to do that video with donation funds like people are saying.
Mike did that video for free.
They grew up together, Rick and Mike, on the same street.
They lost their virginity the same night at a party at the same house.
What the fuck are you talking about?
If your wife ever goes to the hospital, you'll be happy you gave!
[breathing heavily]
She just keeps eating batteries.
She says she's not eating them, then we go to the doctor,
the doctor says, "Yeah, we found a battery in there."
Yeah. Okay, fine, I'll give.
-You owe me a new shirt, too. -What?
You hit me in the cup and you grabbed my shirt.
You stretched it out, it looks like a bell now.
-You can't do that! -Okay, fine, I'll get you a new shirt.
I wish I never told you about calicocutpants.com.
But your wife's rich, so I'm going to bleed you dry.
Now that I have the video of you hitting me in the cup.
What are you talking about, you have a video?
[tense music plays]
Sean, the security guard…
he gives.
Kal, the IT guy…
he gives.
A lot of people give.
[laughs maniacally]
You can either be my friend or my enemy.
A lot of people give.
You hit me in the cup.
[upbeat rock music playing]