And then, I checked Instagram and I see an ad for Graham crackers.
-Ah! -These things are spying on us.
Yeah, go ahead and spy on me.
You're going to see me drink too much wine and watch too much Scandal.
[all laugh]
I'm so glad you could come out with us tonight, Professor Yurabay.
Getting to see what you go on to do after graduation
is one of my favorite parts of teaching.
Your class at business school is the reason we're not at a hedge fund.
We're doing what we think is important.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
So tell me more about this new job.
Oh, it's great. We're in the Amstar building.
And here we go.
-All right. -Oh, thank you.
-[Yurabay] Look at that. Who got that? -Yeah. That's mine.
Dylan, that looks really good.
-I should've got that. -[all laugh]
Yeah, so everything's going really great.
There's this one woman on my team that's driving me a little crazy.
-[Dylan] What's her deal? -She's just a micromanager.
Every time I'm making a deck,
she's saying, "I wouldn't have made it that way."
I should've got that.
Have you, uh, tried at all to talk to her about your issues?
Dylan. Look over there.
I'm joking. I'm joking.
[all chuckle]
[grunts]
Give me that.
What?
Give me that.
-My food? -I'm joking.
I'm joking.
Enough about my drama.
Dylan, how are your kids?
They're a handful, of course, but we have the au pair,
and Susan is working part-time right now, so that really helps.
[Yurabay grunts]
[imitates munching]
I'm joking. I'm joking.
Professor, do you want a bite of mine?
Yeah, I actually would like to try.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, come here.
Yeah, so, Brenda is four-and-a-half, Taylor is three,
-and they're into art right now. -[woman] Mmm.
Dylan,
I'm going to eat the whole thing.
It's, uh… It's so weird to imagine you as a dad.
-Are you going to tell people I did that? -Hmm?
That I housed Dylan's burger.
We're not going to say anything. You didn't like your meal.
-It's no big deal. -Let me take a video
of you saying you're going to kill the president.
-What? -[Yurabay] It's no big deal.
No one's ever going to see it
unless I hear the story of me housing Dylan's burger
down at Graham's Lorelai Lounge.
-We're not saying that. -Saying what?
That we'll kill the president.
-Oh, shit. Say it again. -[woman] What is wrong with you?
I tried to get a video, but I couldn't flip it fast enough.
We were really looking forward to seeing you tonight.
We look up to you so much,
but right now, I don't even know what to think.
The truth is, I may look like I have it all,
but inside, I'm just a scared little boy
who never learned how to ask for people's food or their burger.
And the thing that scares me the most is that if people found out,
my wife would go to jail 'cause every night…
-a little boy goes down on her. -Jesus.
-Fuck. -Christ!
[theme music playing]
[suspenseful music playing]
Eat fucking bullets, you fuckers!
You fucking suck!
Jeez, Crashmore. You're crazier than hell.
They deserved every fucking bullet I pumped in their heads, Chief.
God, I am so fucking pissed.
Honey, I'm home.
Happy anniversary.
No.
[man] I'm sorry, Crashmore.
I can't stop crying.
They killed your whole family.
You need to take some time off.
[Crashmore] Hey, Chief.
Don't save any cages.
They ain't gonna be in jail.
May God have mercy on their souls.
Fuck you! You suck!
Quit running, damn it!
[gunshot]
Are you dumb?
Oh, fuck, I like that gun.
You knew I'd like that gun.
[laughs hysterically]
Yes, ka-ching.
That's one of the nicest guns I've seen in a long time.
I can't wait to shoot that fucker.
[narrator] With Linda Easley as Monique.
[Monique] He said he'd kill us both.
He might kill you, but there's no fucking way he's ever killing me.
Fucking asshole. He said that?
[narrator] Ryan Tanna as Sergeant Wilkes.
I don't like the looks of this, Crashmore.
I don't care if I die at all.
Everything has sucked lately.
[narrator] And starring Santa Claus as Detective Crashmore.
You don't give a shit who's in your way, do you?
What'd you say?
You don't give a shit who's in your way, do you?
Not really.
♪ Pretty please with sugar on top ♪
♪ Baby give me that love you've got ♪
[man] In today's climate, something you've said or done in the past
could cause you to be fired from your place of work.
Don't let something you've said or done
get you undeservedly fired from your position.
We all make mistakes.
We shouldn't be punished for them.
I was fired from work for something completely embarrassing.
I was fired for something extremely embarrassing.
I'm not going to say what it was,
but it led me to invent this powerful hot dog vacuum.
People say to me, "What inspired you to invent this?"
And I say, "I cannot talk about it without crying."
Here's how my invention works.
Let's say you're at work and they push lunch without asking,
which shouldn't be allowed.
Cut to, you got six inches of hot dog stuffed down your throat
and no one gives a shit.
Simply place the Carber hot dog vacuum like so… Boom!
They waited a while to fire me
so it wouldn't be obvious what they were firing me for.
They said, "Poor performance."
You sure about that?
You sure about that? That's why?
You sure it wasn't 'cause after the thing that happened to me,
no one could look at me without dying laughing?
You sure about that?
You sure about that's not why?
Once this invention's big enough,
I'm going to buy my own company
and make the dress code be a big, wet diaper.
The Carber reputation vacuum, don't let one bad day ruin your future.
Carber Co. Technologies, the people's company,
because no one should have one bad day.
I had a cool job that I loved.
[Wesley] Hey, AOL blast viewers.
It's me, it's your boy Wesley Fillmore, sitting down with
the cast of Lamador Pictures' latest action flick, Detective Crashmore.
-This thing is fun. -Thank you. Thank you very much.
Before we dig in with the tough questions,
-let's meet our guests. -[laughs]
Linda Easley who plays Monique,
Ryan Tanna as the fresh-faced Sergeant Wilkes,
and, of course, the man who needs no introduction.
You might know him from his other job
delivering presents to kids all over the world on Christmas,
Santa Claus.
Santa…
Didn't anybody tell you anything?
I told your producers,
"Do not mention Christmas or that I do it at all."
They told me not to focus on it.
And I told them not to mention it at all.
If Leonardo DiCaprio was here,
would you ask him about Christmases around the corner?
Would you like me to interview you as an actor?
That would be great.
That would be fucking great for me, thank you.
Absolute fucking bullshit.
Unprofessional bullshit.
It's why no one watches AOL blast.
Bullshit.
So, Santa, how would you describe Detective Crashmore?
[exhales]
It's a cosmic mix of the action of the '90s
combined with the exploitation films of the '70s,
but with modern touches.
It's hyper-violence, but it knows that it is.
It's a little bit Tarantino.
It's definitely a little bit Michael Mann.
It's kind of a cosmic gumbo.
It almost moves to the beat of jazz. [chuckles]
-Great. -Yeah, Ryan and I would joke on set
about it being a cosmic gumbo.
-But, uh-- -Let's talk for a second
about the nudity in the film.
Was that scary for you as an actor to do?
Well, the script called for it.
It's an important part of Detective Crashmore's journey.
What are we, ten years old?
I've seen every cock on the planet.
I've seen everyone naked.
I'm sorry, you've seen everyone naked?
Yeah, see if they got tattoos.
If they do, they get no gift.
So, if you get a tattoo, you don't get anything for Christmas?
Not that year.
You think getting a tattoo is good?
No.
Getting a tattoo is not good.
I don't care about it, but it's not good behavior.
I got paid two mil to play Crashmore.
How does that money help you?
Well, it does, because that amount is called my quote.
That's my rate.
So the next film I'm offered, they have to pay that same amount.
Even if I do a bad job.
That means, as long as I'm offered even one more movie,
I could get two more mil.
Even if I do a bad job, they've got to give me that other two mil.
[Wesley] Okay.
Great.
♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
♪ Whoa, baby, baby Bay-bay-bay ♪
[woman] Your Honor, the defense has tried to claim
that their unloading of Qualstarr stock the week before its value plummeted
was sheer coincidence,
a very lucrative coincidence.
This text message exchange will prove
that they knowingly engaged in insider trading.
Miss Hubbell, do you recognize these text messages?
-Yes. -And they're between whom?
Myself and Vincent Alan.
Vincent Alan, your co-defendant and colleague at Nortrip?
Yes.
I will now read from these text messages dated April 12th of this year.
Bri: "Did you talk to Dan at Qualstarr?"
Vincent: "He said they're laying off 300 people next week."
Bri: "We need to unload our shares before then."
Vincent: "I'm on it."
Bri: "Be discreet."
Vincent: "Of course."
Bri: "Oh, my God. Did you see Brian's hat?"
Vincent: "Oh, fuck. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
What the hell?
[woman] Bri: "He looks so fucking stupid. I can't breathe."
Vincent: "What the hell even is it?"
Bri: "It's a fedora with safari flaps in the back."
Vincent: "Holy shit!"
"He looks so fucking stupid."
-No. -[woman] "Talk later."
"I'll take care of that thing."
Hmm.
Sounds like more than a coincidence to me.
Miss Hubbell, do you recognize these texts?
I do.
[woman] Vincent: "It's done. I talked to Dan. We're good."
Bri: "Loose ends?"
Vincent: "We're all good, about to be way better."
Bri: Smiley face emoji.
Vincent: "Did you see Brian's hat?"
-"He's still fucking wearing it." -What the hell?
[woman] Bri: "Yes, I even saw two cubes in his pocket."
"I think he has dice, but he's afraid to show them to anyone."
The hell's she even talking about?
Vincent: "L-O-L. That is so sad."
Bri: "So sad. So sad."
"So, so, so, so, so sad."
Vincent: "It's so heartbreaking, but I can't stop laughing."
"Tears are literally streaming down my face thinking about his dumb dice."
Leave it the fuck alone.
Bri: "Just wired the money."
Vincent: "Holy fucking shit!"
"Brian's hat just got him in huge trouble in a meeting."
God damn it!
[woman] "Mr. Andrews made Brian take off his hat."
"He said it was distracting."
"He said if anyone disagreed, he'd let Brian keep the hat on."
"Nobody said shit, dude, nobody said shit."
Bri: "What did he do when Mr. Andrews made him take it off?"
Vincent: "He took the hat off and he hid his head in his hands."
"You could tell he was crying."
"He kept saying under his breath, 'You can't fucking do that.'"
"Then Mr. Andrews said, 'What's that, Brian?'"
"And he said, 'Nothing.'"
"And then a minute later, he said, 'It's not a distraction.'"
"'The guy at the store said I'm the only guy he's ever seen pull it off.'"
"Mr. Andrews asked him how much it cost,
and he said, 'It's illegal for you to ask me that.'"
"And Brian said, 'I'm putting the hat back on,
I don't care what happens to me.'"
"Mr. Andrews said, 'Just take the hat off, Brian.'"
"'No, I'm not taking the fucking hat off.'"
"Then he stood up and said, 'I've never fought for anything in my entire life.'"
"'I'm fighting for this hat.'"
"He went to slam his hand down on the table,
but he hit his water bottle and it spilled all over his laptop."
"And then I swear to fucking God, he tried to roll the hat down his arm
like Fred Astaire,
but the backflap got trapped around Rick's wheelchair,
and then it took him forever to get the flap out of the wheelchair."
"He was fucking beet red."
"I thought he was going to have a heart attack."
"One of the flaps got wheel grease on it,
and he said, 'What the fuck is all this stuff?'"
"'You have to grease these wheels?'"
"And Rick said, 'Yeah, you have to keep the wheels lubricated.'"
"And he said, 'Yeah, well, I'm not supposed to get grease on this hat.'"
"And Brenda was just sitting there slightly in his way towards the door,
and as he walked towards her, he said, 'Move,'
and right when he said it, he realized he had gone too far."
"So, he said in a jokey voice, 'Who said that?'"
Don't do the voice.
Objection, relevance.
Finally.
"Dollar sign emoji."
-[dice rattle] -Quit fucking with them.
["Young Girl" by Frank Lynch playing]